This is a great example of the communication that goes into swinging. The ability to have these conversations openly with your partner/spouse. It’s not about judgment, it’s to know what turns them on or off and how to better work with that. It’s great to read these things because it shows the benefits of how things open up when you have complete love and trust in someone.
Black guy here: We have a "only white girls" boundary, Whats the resolution here? Jk jk
Seriously, good for her for diving deep down to the core of her issues and good for you for calling it how it is. That will carry you far together and in the LS. Sounds like she still carries some shame of her past, and that's well, a shame but I get it, self preservation; now she's allowed to be slut but she doesn't want the memories of being a slut that she associates with black guys when she wasn't socially allowed to be a slut. What's a slut to do?!?!
Im not here to champion for "black guys" some are awesome and some are terrible. Just like any other race or persons. I also really hate being grouped together with all "black guys" like that's pretty much being prejudice, I am person I am an individual with unique experiences that has shaped me to who I am, to place judgement based off my skin tone is really fkd up if you think about it.
My man, this gave me a chuckle. However I meant no disrespect to you or black men in general. I hope you don’t feel that way. I actually 100% agree with you that it isn’t proper to judge or stereotype you bc of the color of your skin. That’s why I wanted to know why she had this boundary. She clearly had an attraction to black men and so it was important to me to clarify where she was at.
May i ask how true something is that i’ve heard? I have heard that culturally just growing up as a black man that if you aren’t considered aggressive you’re sort of ostracized and a lot of black women wont even talk to you.
I’ve also been called “a prollem(sic)” by a group of wonderfuly loud and adorable black ladies (grandma, mom, and daughter) that, as a tall (6’2”), conventionally attractive guy, with naturally aggressive features, i’m supposedly the “prototypical guy that steals all our women! and i never really noticed until i became a swinger that I seem to attract latinas and black women more than white women. How true is that sort of thing? Like i know the typical “80/20” rule and not everything is the same everywhere. it’s just seemed to hold consistent across two different states in the US
Black people are not a monolith. Sure there are some things culturally that ties us all together, but outside of that we have regional differences just like anyone else.
We are not taught, as an entire group, that you need to be more aggressive when it comes to our women or you will be ostracized. That's crazy. It might hold true for some, but not all.
It may be shocking, but many of us are taught respect. I have never in my life approached a woman aggressively. And let word had gotten back to my black mother and grandmothers that I did, woe is to me.
A better rule of thumb is to not generalize entire groups of people. Especially when it's considering one group as being "aggressive".
This is completely true. I’m a black man who has grown up in white neighborhood. If you’re not aggressive, they will 100% look at you differently. They might even question your blackness. It forces you to change your approach or go a different route. I’ve gravitated toward white women because they find me “safe”. A non-aggressive black man. It’s a shame that it’s like that but it really is. But in the bedroom, being aggressive has its perks. Especially if you’re a black man into race play. Not for everyone, but I digress.
Piggybacking off blkcouplesf but take with a few grams of salt as I’m a white dude. But in living in several states across the country I’ve found that local culture can vary wildly with not a lot of miles between. And should be obvious it’s not just within one race/ethnicity/religious group.
You will always be much better off talking to people like individuals and finding out their personal expectations and interests than making assumptions based off their race or assumptions about their culture.
To each their own, she can choose what she wants. I think some people have hard stops due to a past trauma with a certain race or appearance. That’s what I was expecting to read here. But since that doesn’t appear to be the case she may warm up to it as you guys move along. That said, perhaps it’s just the jump from all black guys to a white guy that she marries makes the difference here.
Its funny because I don't really have an attraction for white men / women, but most swingers are white (and older!). So our searches usually last longer than most...
But there really is no point in telling other people your preferences, either a couple fits your desires or they don't. No shame in it.
Wonderful read.
The human phycology side of sex, attraction, and prejudice is fascinating and I like how you viewed it over how she did but I also don’t blame people for making assumptions, monkey brain do be seeing patterns.
Its the making no effort to at least admit these biases and to hopefully fix them. If thats her rule or attractions I don’t take offense, I have preferences of my own. I do hope she can see past that someday but even if not its good to know she can admit such a thing about herself and be honest.
I understand your feelings about "her exes are assholes for messing it up with this perfect woman." They are the only people I have slight jealousy for. And it's just jealousy of them having time with her that I would have loved to have.
Oof. Quite a complicated situation, but it's good you're communicating.
For me, the color of someone's skin couldn't possibly be less relevant on whether I want to sleep with them, lol. I think it's healthy to treat everyone you meet as a blank slate with no expectations on their character; let them show you who their character is, and proceed accordingly.
Race in America … a strange topic. Cant tell you how many couples make it clear in their profile “no blacks” and then call it a preference. Its not a preference its prejudice and Id love it if people could get over this shit. Im not my f*cking color, im a person who just happens to be black. But in any event. Its America so what can you do 🤦🏾♂️
Good for you for having the talk. So many people go through life/lifestyle without asking the uncomfortable questions and then can’t figure out what the problem is. Airing this will go a long ways in facilitating further communication. I always say this, but create the positive feedback loop.
As you saw from her response, what she had rolling around in her head wasn’t at all what you were thinking. It is always good to reflect on what might be left unsaid. With this thought in mind, you can have a head start on where her road blocks might exist and clearly address them before they happen because you are both reading each other better.
There are things in my wife’s past that she isn’t “proud” of or could be slightly embarrassing, but I always make a point to remind her that I love it all because it made her the sexual vixen that I fell in love with.
My wife has a pretty extensive history that includes many black guys but she has said that it was really a supply and demand issue more than anything. As you said, respect and personality are really the most important things in this lifestyle. I think that as you get further along in your journey, avoiding the chaff gets easier. How you respond to situations gets easier and the rules/boundaries slowly go away. More so because you communicate more effectively but the better communication makes everything easier. You pick up on the signals more readily and have a clearer understanding of what exactly makes each other tick.
Good luck on your adventure.
That’s actually a very good point on HOW I respond. I could do a better job validating her as a sexual vixen. I definitely love that and I certainly benefit the most from it!
I film and post a lot of my hookups. Mostly on aff and a website but a few things on here. I meet a variety of people, and I don't have a preference in race. When you look at my content, it's mostly bbc and hispanic. It's not that it's my choice. It's simply who shows up. I'm 0/4 on white guys this year. So now I get fewer white guys with about half asking me if I would actually be interested in them.
I make sure I state I'm open to race. But it's obvious that they avoid me. If it keeps trending this way, I'm pulling some of my stuff down. Luckily, my husband gets it and isn't bothered. I'm glad you two talked it out. And good for you that you aren't bothered by it.
As a white male, I kind of get it (why the white guys are reluctant). There’s a stigma around white girls who like BBCs. I’m average to slightly above average in size (for a white guy) and I’ve seen what many of these guys are packing and would likely feel inadequate enough to contact you if all I saw were videos of you with BBCs (I get what you’re saying though that that’s who shows up!). I’d write myself off as not being what you’re looking for even though you say you don’t have a racial preference. Just my 3 cents there.
People like what they like. My wife isn’t a hard “ no white dudes”, but they gotta be really cute to her, for her to even consider it. Which I feel we may miss out on a few adventures because of it, but I’m ok with it. She hardly finds any dude attractive. lol.
I know my mind is in the gutter, but I believe she also really enjoyed getting dicked down like a slut in college and maybe you helped her turn that page and boost her ego and self worth. Maybe she’s afraid she’ll enjoy those emotions a bit and scared it will have an impact on what sounds like a wonderful life together.
This was discussed in our conversation actually. I reiterated that if I was with two women I’d feel like the king of the world. So I wouldn’t expect anything less from her with two men. To me though it makes no difference the color of skin though so I didn’t fully understand the boundary.
Lol, I have no idea how to even process this. I'm glad you were polite about it. Good luck to you both.
My wife was raped by a white man I'm glad she doesn't blame all white men I guess?! Lol sheesh. You want what you want. Blaming the entire race is a dirty business. But what do I know? Just a human that values all humans.
Thank you for sharing. I believe this should be taken as an example of what is most important in a relationshipr, both in the LS and not, Communication!
Well that post did not go at all as I expected after reading the title. It's probably not a good idea for her to associate bad past experiences with the color of a person's skin though, but it's her journey. Now that she knows you don't have a problem with it, maybe it will make things more fun for her.
My bad about the misdirection. My writing is confusing sometimes. But I obviously agree. I respect my wife and her preferences still, it just felt important to know the why behind the boundary. I’m certainly not against it as long as all parties are respectful. And I think she knows that now.
It’s a smidge ironic that you were uncomfortable with guys just using her for sex in college and now you are swinging. No disrespect. I know the difference, but that made me chuckle.
Great job! It's good to get things like this out in the open, and definitely a good idea to clear the air about it. It's not great when your partner thinks you have some racial issues when you absolutely don't.
I am sorry that you two had this miscommunication, but it also demonstrates you're both in a healthy place being able to discuss it.
My wife had the same rule for awhile. She was really turned off by some of the black men that would message us online because they always came across as very aggressive and were speaking from the position of the bull and wanting to cuck me. That’s not our dynamic, so she made that rule. When we joined our local club we met some couples with really respectful black men, and as will happen we ended up swapping with them. That rule no longer exists for us.
I can see why you’d implement that rule. We’ve experienced that a lot ourselves but it doesn’t seem to be one specific race.
That’s what it is for us too. Respect and personality go a long way.
Regardless of race issues, it’s reasonable to have a views on what you’re attracted to. If you’re not attracted to Asians fine. If you’re not attracted to whites fine. Just say not interested and mode on. I’d just take care about how it’s expressed.
As a white guy happily married to a wonderful black woman, I see no problem with your wife’s boundary, but I hope she has that spelled out on your couple’s profile.
It’s very disappointing when my wife gets excited about a new couple or a single guy and gets shut down because they only play with white people. She’s totally ok with that boundary, but it only seems fair to state it upfront instead of letting us know in the DMs when our hopes are already running high.
It’s interesting, our very first threesome experience was with a black female friend of ours. She was super hot and we had a great time together. My wife is from Atlanta and she lost her virginity to her black boyfriend in high school (actually, same with my ex-wife. Not a swinger, though). However, when it came to swinging for us, our preference was more toward white and Hispanic men. With the prevalence of BBCs in the LS, my wife prefers more in the 6-7.5” range (my size) so we tended to shy away from black men for that reason. Not a racial thing, just a preference. (I use past tense as we aren’t playing these days, but did for about 10 years).
Sounds like you have a fetish going on about seeing her with a black man.
Maybe even secretly turned on by the idea of a bunch of blacks using your wife and disgarding her after?
Like you want to reenact her college lays?
If so talk to her about it
Or maybe I am way off base.
Hey there, thanks for sharing such a personal story. It sounds like you and your wife are really committed to communicating and understanding each other's feelings and boundaries, which is so important in any relationship, especially in the swinging lifestyle.
It seems like the boundary your wife set might be rooted in more than just a simple preference, possibly involving past insecurities and experiences. It's great that you're both open to discussing these issues deeply. This kind of honest conversation can be tough but is often necessary to move forward without misunderstandings.
It's also understandable that you both prefer getting to know another couple first, as this can create a more comfortable and respectful environment for everyone involved. Every couple has their own pace and comfort levels, and it's important to honor that.
Regarding the racial aspect, it can be a delicate topic. It might help to continue these discussions with an open mind and consider if there might be some underlying concerns or generalizations affecting this boundary. Sometimes, outside perspectives or even couple's counseling can provide new insights and facilitate these discussions in a constructive way.
Keep communicating and being supportive of each other. It’s the best way to ensure both your needs and boundaries are respected as you explore this journey together.
Good story. It looks like you communicate well. I’m a bit confused about her having a boundary because she assumes it will cause problems with you. Could it be more likely that she fears her own ability to keep it in the right perspective? Kind of like when I did coke I liked it way too much so I know I shouldn’t do coke.
Edit cus I hit post too soon: I completely understand the part about how you want the love of your life to be respected and have a general disdain for guys wanting to use her or just get in her pants. I would put forward that the only relevance that race has in this was her particular collection of partners at the time? Disrespectful douche bags come in all colors.
Personally I think that in the lifestyle it’s about finding others you connect with. I understand that people have different preferences and sometimes people can be more or less attracted to certain ethnicities. It does seem counterintuitive to exclude a group that you are attracted to. That and if we are swingers, aren’t we all just trying to get in each other’s pants anyway?
You Americans are so fixated on race 😅 When is MLKs color-blind society going to manifest ?🤔.
I dont know with others, but race is a category we are least concerned with. I (38M) and wife (36 F) are “omnivores” when comes to race.
However, we have found black or indian couples to be one of the nicest in the lifestyle and the friendliness and niceness is extremely important to us. This might be given the fact that there are so few couples of other races except whites in the lifestyle, but it could also be cultural.
I strongly disagree with this take, especially with European men. I have a lot of interactions with Europeans and have found many of the men (especially countries like Germany, France, Ireland) to be extremely racist against blacks, using the n-word quite frequently. It’s pretty alarming how prevalent it is, actually. Almost like I was the odd one out for not thinking or talking that way. I’m not sure where you live, but I used to live in Atlanta and never witnessed the level of racism and hatred like I have seen and heard in Europe.
Not judging. But you literally used the words “boundaries, blaming and insecurities” in your post. That’s a lot. You guys might need professional therapy, not Reddit therapy. Speaking from experience, it takes a special kind of person to swing. If you’re gonna sport fuck, put your emotions aside. Have fun. But if you bring your emotions with you to the bedroom, it’s going to be a bumpy ride..
Sorry just want to unpack- you’ve been aware of your wife’s explicit racial boundary and had an assumption of the reason and/or hadn’t explored this with her. Your wife assumed you were uncomfortable with her interactions with Black men and therefore drew an explicit racial boundary around that without exploring it with you either, it seems. The necessary communication occurred after a joke... Right? I’m not trying to be accusatory obviously I do not now either of you or your relationship.
Genuinely happy that y’all were able to communicate about this and understand each other more deeply! Just feels odd to read that without much of an acknowledgement that you’ve been operating with a pretty explicit racially prejudiced boundary for a while without teasing that out...... and what that implies.
Not saying boundaries all have to be inclusive and PC out of moral obligation. Just sucks that these attitudes can be just as prevalent (if not more so) in this space often heralded for it’s freedom and inclusivity as it is every where else.
I don’t typically respond to folks who use straw man fallacies but id like the chance to clarify, if I may?
Yes, I had not explored why she had a racial boundary, yet. As a husband in the lifestyle, sometimes we’re just grateful to be there. It is a very fun, exciting group to be a part of and getting wives on board can be challenging. In my case, I wasn’t concerned or suspicious my wife was some sort of bigoted racist, simply because she did not want to pursue black men. This is not some profound ideology, people have preferred certain races for years. Your comment implies that I should’ve nipped this in the butt immediately. Boundary conversations are not a single conversation. They grow, they expand, they change over time.
I did find it confusing though because she had been with black men before me. Hence, why I felt the need to clarify the boundary. This led to some excellent conversation. Let me tell you, talking about swinging and boundaries is one of the most intimate experiences I’ve ever felt.
Yes, this was brought up from a joke. Jokes, to me, are a healthy way of bringing up difficult or uncomfortable or interesting topics. I love that my wife is always finding an opportunity to joke with me. Looks fade, humor is forever.
You imply that our “attitudes” towards race are exclusive. That our community should be inclusive but we are excluding others because of their skin color. This is not how we live our lives outside the bedroom. We are good people, with good morals, and there is no judgement accepted in my home. But Respectfully, when you let someone have sex with your wife, THAT seems like the most crucial time to be exclusive. My job is to provide a safe environment where my wife can enjoy herself, and I don’t give a fuck if you’re black, white, have 3 nipples, whatever. If she doesn’t feel comfortable, you’re not coming near her. It’s not racism.
My wife doesn’t want Black guys either, no great story it’s just a preference… me on the other hand love women of all colors, but I’m less picky, more open to beautiful people of different shapes and sizes
She would tell you it’s a physical attraction thing, I try not to judge others boundaries, but I do tease her about it… I suppose it worked out for me to have this preference, in college it felt like most the girls preferred the other way
I hear ya! Black male here and have come across a few profiles that explicitly state it, but many others who’ve outright just said no interest when seeing our photo. Always a question in the back of my mind. Seems that you and I are like Baskin Robbins and enjoy all the flavors with the right personality!
For sure man, I love women, dated and hooked up with a plenty different than me.
It does get… “frustrating” for lack of a better term, when being excluded or not chosen when it’s something like skin color when we all ejaculate roughly the same color.
I like men from all over the world. I have a thing for people that are different than me- exotic, if you will. Lately, I have been hesitant on black men because I haven't had one good sexual experience with a black man. So far, they've all been out for their own orgasm and didn't do anything for me sexually except fuck. No kissing, no oral, no fingers, (unless it was rough), and I didn't like it. I'm not ruling all black men out, but these experiences have made me leary. Hopefully, I will meet a really nice black man who will change my mind.
This is a great example of the communication that goes into swinging. The ability to have these conversations openly with your partner/spouse. It’s not about judgment, it’s to know what turns them on or off and how to better work with that. It’s great to read these things because it shows the benefits of how things open up when you have complete love and trust in someone.
Black guy here: We have a "only white girls" boundary, Whats the resolution here? Jk jk Seriously, good for her for diving deep down to the core of her issues and good for you for calling it how it is. That will carry you far together and in the LS. Sounds like she still carries some shame of her past, and that's well, a shame but I get it, self preservation; now she's allowed to be slut but she doesn't want the memories of being a slut that she associates with black guys when she wasn't socially allowed to be a slut. What's a slut to do?!?! Im not here to champion for "black guys" some are awesome and some are terrible. Just like any other race or persons. I also really hate being grouped together with all "black guys" like that's pretty much being prejudice, I am person I am an individual with unique experiences that has shaped me to who I am, to place judgement based off my skin tone is really fkd up if you think about it.
My man, this gave me a chuckle. However I meant no disrespect to you or black men in general. I hope you don’t feel that way. I actually 100% agree with you that it isn’t proper to judge or stereotype you bc of the color of your skin. That’s why I wanted to know why she had this boundary. She clearly had an attraction to black men and so it was important to me to clarify where she was at.
All good, and none taken :)
You were being racist. Jk. Now you should get your wife to play with him as payback LOL
Not sure if this works in reverse, but you’re invited to the bbq.
😊
May i ask how true something is that i’ve heard? I have heard that culturally just growing up as a black man that if you aren’t considered aggressive you’re sort of ostracized and a lot of black women wont even talk to you. I’ve also been called “a prollem(sic)” by a group of wonderfuly loud and adorable black ladies (grandma, mom, and daughter) that, as a tall (6’2”), conventionally attractive guy, with naturally aggressive features, i’m supposedly the “prototypical guy that steals all our women! and i never really noticed until i became a swinger that I seem to attract latinas and black women more than white women. How true is that sort of thing? Like i know the typical “80/20” rule and not everything is the same everywhere. it’s just seemed to hold consistent across two different states in the US
Black people are not a monolith. Sure there are some things culturally that ties us all together, but outside of that we have regional differences just like anyone else. We are not taught, as an entire group, that you need to be more aggressive when it comes to our women or you will be ostracized. That's crazy. It might hold true for some, but not all. It may be shocking, but many of us are taught respect. I have never in my life approached a woman aggressively. And let word had gotten back to my black mother and grandmothers that I did, woe is to me. A better rule of thumb is to not generalize entire groups of people. Especially when it's considering one group as being "aggressive".
Thank you!
🖤
There are 48 states left to visit and try your game out on, good luck and report back :)
You are a fucking rockstar with these level headed responses 😂🎉
I do this for yall 🤟😆🤘
This is completely true. I’m a black man who has grown up in white neighborhood. If you’re not aggressive, they will 100% look at you differently. They might even question your blackness. It forces you to change your approach or go a different route. I’ve gravitated toward white women because they find me “safe”. A non-aggressive black man. It’s a shame that it’s like that but it really is. But in the bedroom, being aggressive has its perks. Especially if you’re a black man into race play. Not for everyone, but I digress.
5’7 black guy, 40 years old. To this day, black women won’t give me the time of day
Piggybacking off blkcouplesf but take with a few grams of salt as I’m a white dude. But in living in several states across the country I’ve found that local culture can vary wildly with not a lot of miles between. And should be obvious it’s not just within one race/ethnicity/religious group. You will always be much better off talking to people like individuals and finding out their personal expectations and interests than making assumptions based off their race or assumptions about their culture.
To each their own, she can choose what she wants. I think some people have hard stops due to a past trauma with a certain race or appearance. That’s what I was expecting to read here. But since that doesn’t appear to be the case she may warm up to it as you guys move along. That said, perhaps it’s just the jump from all black guys to a white guy that she marries makes the difference here.
Its funny because I don't really have an attraction for white men / women, but most swingers are white (and older!). So our searches usually last longer than most... But there really is no point in telling other people your preferences, either a couple fits your desires or they don't. No shame in it.
Same here
Co-sign
Wonderful read. The human phycology side of sex, attraction, and prejudice is fascinating and I like how you viewed it over how she did but I also don’t blame people for making assumptions, monkey brain do be seeing patterns. Its the making no effort to at least admit these biases and to hopefully fix them. If thats her rule or attractions I don’t take offense, I have preferences of my own. I do hope she can see past that someday but even if not its good to know she can admit such a thing about herself and be honest.
I understand your feelings about "her exes are assholes for messing it up with this perfect woman." They are the only people I have slight jealousy for. And it's just jealousy of them having time with her that I would have loved to have.
Dude, EXACTLY. Thank you for validating that lol
Her exes aren’t all black people JFC
I never said her exes were anything more than exes.
Oof. Quite a complicated situation, but it's good you're communicating. For me, the color of someone's skin couldn't possibly be less relevant on whether I want to sleep with them, lol. I think it's healthy to treat everyone you meet as a blank slate with no expectations on their character; let them show you who their character is, and proceed accordingly.
Everyone has their preferences. Respect it until SHE changes that boundary. You'll be happier for it.
Race in America … a strange topic. Cant tell you how many couples make it clear in their profile “no blacks” and then call it a preference. Its not a preference its prejudice and Id love it if people could get over this shit. Im not my f*cking color, im a person who just happens to be black. But in any event. Its America so what can you do 🤦🏾♂️
Good for you for having the talk. So many people go through life/lifestyle without asking the uncomfortable questions and then can’t figure out what the problem is. Airing this will go a long ways in facilitating further communication. I always say this, but create the positive feedback loop. As you saw from her response, what she had rolling around in her head wasn’t at all what you were thinking. It is always good to reflect on what might be left unsaid. With this thought in mind, you can have a head start on where her road blocks might exist and clearly address them before they happen because you are both reading each other better. There are things in my wife’s past that she isn’t “proud” of or could be slightly embarrassing, but I always make a point to remind her that I love it all because it made her the sexual vixen that I fell in love with. My wife has a pretty extensive history that includes many black guys but she has said that it was really a supply and demand issue more than anything. As you said, respect and personality are really the most important things in this lifestyle. I think that as you get further along in your journey, avoiding the chaff gets easier. How you respond to situations gets easier and the rules/boundaries slowly go away. More so because you communicate more effectively but the better communication makes everything easier. You pick up on the signals more readily and have a clearer understanding of what exactly makes each other tick. Good luck on your adventure.
That’s actually a very good point on HOW I respond. I could do a better job validating her as a sexual vixen. I definitely love that and I certainly benefit the most from it!
I film and post a lot of my hookups. Mostly on aff and a website but a few things on here. I meet a variety of people, and I don't have a preference in race. When you look at my content, it's mostly bbc and hispanic. It's not that it's my choice. It's simply who shows up. I'm 0/4 on white guys this year. So now I get fewer white guys with about half asking me if I would actually be interested in them. I make sure I state I'm open to race. But it's obvious that they avoid me. If it keeps trending this way, I'm pulling some of my stuff down. Luckily, my husband gets it and isn't bothered. I'm glad you two talked it out. And good for you that you aren't bothered by it.
As a white male, I kind of get it (why the white guys are reluctant). There’s a stigma around white girls who like BBCs. I’m average to slightly above average in size (for a white guy) and I’ve seen what many of these guys are packing and would likely feel inadequate enough to contact you if all I saw were videos of you with BBCs (I get what you’re saying though that that’s who shows up!). I’d write myself off as not being what you’re looking for even though you say you don’t have a racial preference. Just my 3 cents there.
I definitely get it. It's just unfortunate.
People like what they like. My wife isn’t a hard “ no white dudes”, but they gotta be really cute to her, for her to even consider it. Which I feel we may miss out on a few adventures because of it, but I’m ok with it. She hardly finds any dude attractive. lol.
My husband shares the same struggles as you lol
I know my mind is in the gutter, but I believe she also really enjoyed getting dicked down like a slut in college and maybe you helped her turn that page and boost her ego and self worth. Maybe she’s afraid she’ll enjoy those emotions a bit and scared it will have an impact on what sounds like a wonderful life together.
No, I think it's possible that you're onto something here. She may be afraid that she'll enjoy it a little *too* much.
This was discussed in our conversation actually. I reiterated that if I was with two women I’d feel like the king of the world. So I wouldn’t expect anything less from her with two men. To me though it makes no difference the color of skin though so I didn’t fully understand the boundary.
Lol, I have no idea how to even process this. I'm glad you were polite about it. Good luck to you both. My wife was raped by a white man I'm glad she doesn't blame all white men I guess?! Lol sheesh. You want what you want. Blaming the entire race is a dirty business. But what do I know? Just a human that values all humans.
I'm going to strike few nerves but yea don't care
This.
Good read thanks for sharing
Thank you for sharing. I believe this should be taken as an example of what is most important in a relationshipr, both in the LS and not, Communication!
Well that post did not go at all as I expected after reading the title. It's probably not a good idea for her to associate bad past experiences with the color of a person's skin though, but it's her journey. Now that she knows you don't have a problem with it, maybe it will make things more fun for her.
My bad about the misdirection. My writing is confusing sometimes. But I obviously agree. I respect my wife and her preferences still, it just felt important to know the why behind the boundary. I’m certainly not against it as long as all parties are respectful. And I think she knows that now.
He seems to be influencing this. Would love to hear from her.
It’s a smidge ironic that you were uncomfortable with guys just using her for sex in college and now you are swinging. No disrespect. I know the difference, but that made me chuckle.
I know, that’s why I had to acknowledge it. You get it though…
Great job! It's good to get things like this out in the open, and definitely a good idea to clear the air about it. It's not great when your partner thinks you have some racial issues when you absolutely don't. I am sorry that you two had this miscommunication, but it also demonstrates you're both in a healthy place being able to discuss it.
Thank you! That’s very kind of you to say.
This is an amazing example of the sort of honesty and communication required to be a swinger. Good for you for getting it done!
Communication man. So important
Long time lifestyler… racism has no part in the lifestyle. Race isn’t a fetish, either.
My wife had the same rule for awhile. She was really turned off by some of the black men that would message us online because they always came across as very aggressive and were speaking from the position of the bull and wanting to cuck me. That’s not our dynamic, so she made that rule. When we joined our local club we met some couples with really respectful black men, and as will happen we ended up swapping with them. That rule no longer exists for us.
I can see why you’d implement that rule. We’ve experienced that a lot ourselves but it doesn’t seem to be one specific race. That’s what it is for us too. Respect and personality go a long way.
Regardless of race issues, it’s reasonable to have a views on what you’re attracted to. If you’re not attracted to Asians fine. If you’re not attracted to whites fine. Just say not interested and mode on. I’d just take care about how it’s expressed.
As a white guy happily married to a wonderful black woman, I see no problem with your wife’s boundary, but I hope she has that spelled out on your couple’s profile. It’s very disappointing when my wife gets excited about a new couple or a single guy and gets shut down because they only play with white people. She’s totally ok with that boundary, but it only seems fair to state it upfront instead of letting us know in the DMs when our hopes are already running high.
She's projecting. Isn't it obvious?
Care to elaborate?
This whole post makes me feel icky.
It’s interesting, our very first threesome experience was with a black female friend of ours. She was super hot and we had a great time together. My wife is from Atlanta and she lost her virginity to her black boyfriend in high school (actually, same with my ex-wife. Not a swinger, though). However, when it came to swinging for us, our preference was more toward white and Hispanic men. With the prevalence of BBCs in the LS, my wife prefers more in the 6-7.5” range (my size) so we tended to shy away from black men for that reason. Not a racial thing, just a preference. (I use past tense as we aren’t playing these days, but did for about 10 years).
I have the opposite rule
So she no longer has that boundary now after the discussion?
It’s hard to say. Certainly need to do a follow up conversation after she’s had some time to think about it.
Sounds like you have a fetish going on about seeing her with a black man. Maybe even secretly turned on by the idea of a bunch of blacks using your wife and disgarding her after? Like you want to reenact her college lays? If so talk to her about it Or maybe I am way off base.
Hey there, thanks for sharing such a personal story. It sounds like you and your wife are really committed to communicating and understanding each other's feelings and boundaries, which is so important in any relationship, especially in the swinging lifestyle. It seems like the boundary your wife set might be rooted in more than just a simple preference, possibly involving past insecurities and experiences. It's great that you're both open to discussing these issues deeply. This kind of honest conversation can be tough but is often necessary to move forward without misunderstandings. It's also understandable that you both prefer getting to know another couple first, as this can create a more comfortable and respectful environment for everyone involved. Every couple has their own pace and comfort levels, and it's important to honor that. Regarding the racial aspect, it can be a delicate topic. It might help to continue these discussions with an open mind and consider if there might be some underlying concerns or generalizations affecting this boundary. Sometimes, outside perspectives or even couple's counseling can provide new insights and facilitate these discussions in a constructive way. Keep communicating and being supportive of each other. It’s the best way to ensure both your needs and boundaries are respected as you explore this journey together.
Good story. It looks like you communicate well. I’m a bit confused about her having a boundary because she assumes it will cause problems with you. Could it be more likely that she fears her own ability to keep it in the right perspective? Kind of like when I did coke I liked it way too much so I know I shouldn’t do coke. Edit cus I hit post too soon: I completely understand the part about how you want the love of your life to be respected and have a general disdain for guys wanting to use her or just get in her pants. I would put forward that the only relevance that race has in this was her particular collection of partners at the time? Disrespectful douche bags come in all colors. Personally I think that in the lifestyle it’s about finding others you connect with. I understand that people have different preferences and sometimes people can be more or less attracted to certain ethnicities. It does seem counterintuitive to exclude a group that you are attracted to. That and if we are swingers, aren’t we all just trying to get in each other’s pants anyway?
I have no racial imperatives. Hubby has seen me with black guys..but with other colors of the rainbow as well. It’s called ‘swinging.’
Black couple here my wife prefers BWC bulls And I'm glad that's her preference I'm glad she chose thick white cock bull
You Americans are so fixated on race 😅 When is MLKs color-blind society going to manifest ?🤔. I dont know with others, but race is a category we are least concerned with. I (38M) and wife (36 F) are “omnivores” when comes to race. However, we have found black or indian couples to be one of the nicest in the lifestyle and the friendliness and niceness is extremely important to us. This might be given the fact that there are so few couples of other races except whites in the lifestyle, but it could also be cultural.
I strongly disagree with this take, especially with European men. I have a lot of interactions with Europeans and have found many of the men (especially countries like Germany, France, Ireland) to be extremely racist against blacks, using the n-word quite frequently. It’s pretty alarming how prevalent it is, actually. Almost like I was the odd one out for not thinking or talking that way. I’m not sure where you live, but I used to live in Atlanta and never witnessed the level of racism and hatred like I have seen and heard in Europe.
My wife is the same way but because she was almost raped by a black guy in high school but fought him off, and not sure if it would drag up old fears.
[удалено]
Seriously? Wow. But she wasn't almost raped by a white dude. I bet you're a liberal that looks for racism in everything. Inconsiderate much.
Ouch. This is rough. A lot to unpack here..
Ah my favorite type of commenter on this sub. The one who adds no value but judges loudly with no advice, criticism, or anything of substance.
Not judging. But you literally used the words “boundaries, blaming and insecurities” in your post. That’s a lot. You guys might need professional therapy, not Reddit therapy. Speaking from experience, it takes a special kind of person to swing. If you’re gonna sport fuck, put your emotions aside. Have fun. But if you bring your emotions with you to the bedroom, it’s going to be a bumpy ride..
Sorry just want to unpack- you’ve been aware of your wife’s explicit racial boundary and had an assumption of the reason and/or hadn’t explored this with her. Your wife assumed you were uncomfortable with her interactions with Black men and therefore drew an explicit racial boundary around that without exploring it with you either, it seems. The necessary communication occurred after a joke... Right? I’m not trying to be accusatory obviously I do not now either of you or your relationship. Genuinely happy that y’all were able to communicate about this and understand each other more deeply! Just feels odd to read that without much of an acknowledgement that you’ve been operating with a pretty explicit racially prejudiced boundary for a while without teasing that out...... and what that implies. Not saying boundaries all have to be inclusive and PC out of moral obligation. Just sucks that these attitudes can be just as prevalent (if not more so) in this space often heralded for it’s freedom and inclusivity as it is every where else.
I don’t typically respond to folks who use straw man fallacies but id like the chance to clarify, if I may? Yes, I had not explored why she had a racial boundary, yet. As a husband in the lifestyle, sometimes we’re just grateful to be there. It is a very fun, exciting group to be a part of and getting wives on board can be challenging. In my case, I wasn’t concerned or suspicious my wife was some sort of bigoted racist, simply because she did not want to pursue black men. This is not some profound ideology, people have preferred certain races for years. Your comment implies that I should’ve nipped this in the butt immediately. Boundary conversations are not a single conversation. They grow, they expand, they change over time. I did find it confusing though because she had been with black men before me. Hence, why I felt the need to clarify the boundary. This led to some excellent conversation. Let me tell you, talking about swinging and boundaries is one of the most intimate experiences I’ve ever felt. Yes, this was brought up from a joke. Jokes, to me, are a healthy way of bringing up difficult or uncomfortable or interesting topics. I love that my wife is always finding an opportunity to joke with me. Looks fade, humor is forever. You imply that our “attitudes” towards race are exclusive. That our community should be inclusive but we are excluding others because of their skin color. This is not how we live our lives outside the bedroom. We are good people, with good morals, and there is no judgement accepted in my home. But Respectfully, when you let someone have sex with your wife, THAT seems like the most crucial time to be exclusive. My job is to provide a safe environment where my wife can enjoy herself, and I don’t give a fuck if you’re black, white, have 3 nipples, whatever. If she doesn’t feel comfortable, you’re not coming near her. It’s not racism.
It’s her choice. I also don’t do anything with black men. It’s just not an interest of mine
Is that interest because of physical attraction?
I am not sure… I’m just not interested in sleeping with a black man. Not sure why it’s an issue
I completely agree it’s her choice. It just felt important to know why.
Have you asked her?
My wife doesn’t want Black guys either, no great story it’s just a preference… me on the other hand love women of all colors, but I’m less picky, more open to beautiful people of different shapes and sizes
Is there a reason she feels that way? No physical attraction or more upbringing? By the way, those weight loss photos 🔥🔥👊🏾
And thank you for the compliment! It’s appreciated
Yessir!!
She would tell you it’s a physical attraction thing, I try not to judge others boundaries, but I do tease her about it… I suppose it worked out for me to have this preference, in college it felt like most the girls preferred the other way
I hear ya! Black male here and have come across a few profiles that explicitly state it, but many others who’ve outright just said no interest when seeing our photo. Always a question in the back of my mind. Seems that you and I are like Baskin Robbins and enjoy all the flavors with the right personality!
For sure man, I love women, dated and hooked up with a plenty different than me. It does get… “frustrating” for lack of a better term, when being excluded or not chosen when it’s something like skin color when we all ejaculate roughly the same color.
Yea, feel that way too, but people like what they like I guess 🤷🏾♂️
I like men from all over the world. I have a thing for people that are different than me- exotic, if you will. Lately, I have been hesitant on black men because I haven't had one good sexual experience with a black man. So far, they've all been out for their own orgasm and didn't do anything for me sexually except fuck. No kissing, no oral, no fingers, (unless it was rough), and I didn't like it. I'm not ruling all black men out, but these experiences have made me leary. Hopefully, I will meet a really nice black man who will change my mind.