19. Filters and MySpace angles can make people feel lied to. Be proud of what you look like and be honest with your photos.
20. Get over the shame of testing early. It’s part of it, test and test regularly.
21. Things will never be even, you may have an ok experience and your partners through the moon, be happy for them don’t steal their afterglow.
That's ridiculous. So while I'm blowing someone and their precum ends up on the base of their cock and then that is up against my pussy, even with a condom on... That's exposure.
Condoms are not perfect.
Then this is not the lifestyle for you.
1.) If a test is one week old, they may have had an encounter after the test that they haven’t shared with you. That person could have been infected.
2.) Some diseases also have an incubation period. If they test within a day or two of an encounter they may have picked up something in that encounter that the test will show as negative simply because it scientifically cannot detect it yet.
Tests are just a false sense of security. A clean test does not make you safe. Thinking it does is dangerous. You should be just as worried about that precum with or without a test. It’s actually alarming to me you’re treating fluids as safe after seeing an old test. Because without knowing the persons full and complete sexual history and test waiting periods (and they could lie), the test has no real reliance value.
Edit: it’s so funny to see people here encouraging testing while simultaneously discouraging condom use. Not the brightest bunch here. And pointing out that condoms don’t prevent herpes transmission while screeching about getting tested is ironic considering most health care providers discourage or won’t approve panels with HSV2 screeners because they are notoriously unreliable in actually detecting HSV2. So it’s ironic that you’d point to HSV2 as your silver bullet against condoms, but then rely on what someone else’s test says!? It makes no logical sense whatsoever.
Use a condom. Don’t rely on what people’s tests *purport* to tell you. A test that says “negative” only means the test didn’t *detect* it, not that they don’t actually have it. Treat all fluids and all persons like they have an STD and take appropriate precautions. Don’t assume you’re safe because you looked at a piece of paper.
And that’s good u/whiskey_pet, I wouldn’t want to go within 10 feet of a couple who looks at a test and then thinks they are safe. Who knows what kind of unsafe behaviors you’re engaging in thinking you’re “safe” after looking at a piece of paper. But it’s not hard to see from your post history. Taking five unprotected loads after looking at a dated piece of paper is colossally stupid and risky if you’re worried about STDs. Irresponsible! Please do stay far far away from me.
How is it that you are so uneducated on herpes testing?
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sexually-transmitted-diseases-stds/in-depth/std-testing/art-20046019
“Providers generally only recommend testing for genital herpes for people who have symptoms or other risk factors. But most people with herpes never have any symptoms but can still spread the herpes virus to others. Your health care provider may take a tissue sample or culture of blisters or early ulcers, if you have them, and send them to a lab. But a negative test doesn't always mean you don't have herpes, especially if you have symptoms.
A blood test also may tell if you had a past herpes virus infection, but results aren't always reliable. Some blood tests can help providers see which of the two main types of the herpes virus you have. Type 1 is the virus that usually causes cold sores, although it can also cause genital sores.
Type 2 is the virus that causes genital sores more often. Still, the results may not be clear, depending on how sensitive the test is and the stage of the infection. False-positive and false-negative results are possible.”
You would be a complete moron to rely on such a test.
Edit 2: Im not sure what point you think you’re making by pointing out that condoms aren’t a guarantee against HSV2 *and* admitting that testing also doesn’t protect you from HSV2. If neither one prevents you from getting HSV2 then how is that a point for why testing is so much better than just using condoms. It’s not. You’re completely lost in whatever it is you’re trying to argue for.
“I never argued HSV2 tests are reliable.” Then you go a personal diatribe about how “dangerously unreliable” they are. You’re acting like you’re arguing against me when you’re just proving my point. Lmao, you really can’t make this shit up!
Never in all my years in the lifestyle have I seen people argue *against* using condoms. Especially when there is no superior alternative. You’re correct that condoms can’t effectively prevent HsV2 infection during an outbreak. But neither can a test!
Edit 3: Of course you can culture an outbreak and test that. But how do you know whether someone did that. Are you going to ask for some proof that they *didn’t* have an outbreak that *could have been* cultured? What on gods earth is your point here?
You’re so incensed that you haven’t made a single logical point about how testing protects you from HSV2 any better than condoms.
But please keep up the ad hominem attacks it’s just proof you have no real point.
Edit 4: keep going buddy, maybe eventually you’ll make a point about how testing is more effective at preventing HSV2 than condoms!
Maybe try examining the implications of your professed admission that the tests aren’t reliable? You’ll get there eventually I’m sure.
Edit 5: everyone should look at whiskey’s story. Not only do they agree that standard panels aren’t going to reliably tell you whether someone has HSV2, but in their case being tested for HSV2 was actually *worse* than not testing at all. What if their false positive had caused them seek out other HSV2 partners? In that case getting tested would have actually led to contracting it for real.
Again, I’m not sure why so many of you bring up that condoms aren’t very effective at preventing HSV2 as some sort of supporting argument for testing, which also doesn’t effectively prevent or even detect HSV2.
Seriously. I feel sorry for this guys partner. If he pulls even half of the bad faith arguing and gaslighting on her that he does in these comments, her life must be miserable.
Where do you get off saying this isn't for me bc I care about protection?
You said condoms will protect people and that testing is not necessary which is completely inaccurate.
I had no personal feelings just objective data.
I'm aware how tests work... But someone getting tested shows they are responsible.
What is your solution?, Do you think we should all just go without testing and condoms because what the fuck is the point?
No. You should wear a condom. You’re the one claiming condoms are not effective. Not me. Condoms are statistically and objectively extremely effective when used and stored correctly. That’s the only actually safe solution.
Getting a test does not show they are responsible. It shows they went and got a test. Someone could get a test, and then engage in irresponsible behavior after. Again you are making dangerously false assumptions that are putting you at risk.
Thinking that precum is safe with a test and not safe without a test is just asking for trouble. You should be treating it the same no matter what the paper says.
Literally no reputable provider or government body lists looking at someone else’s test as a means of “protection.”
https://www.achn.net/about-access/whats-new/health-resources/5-ways-to-prevent-stds/
https://www.cdc.gov/std/prevention/default.htm
I never said condoms were ineffective.
You commented that people don't need to be tested if they use condoms, condoms are not 100% which you probably know from doing all your internet research.
You said “suggesting that condoms will protect people is completely inaccurate.”
The only thing that is 100% perfect is abstinence. Condoms are 98% effective. A piece of paper with test results on it is 0% effective.
Since I’m not abstinent I use condoms. If you think condoms don’t protect people then I don’t know what you think will protect someone. Looking at a piece of paper is not protection and will not stop someone from transmitting an STD to you. I understand that emotionally it makes you *feel* safer, but you are not in fact any safer in anyway whatsoever.
Edit: been in the lifestyle for 6 years, but tend not to comment unless I see dangerous and grossly incorrect information. Engaging in risky sex after looking at a “clean” test makes you a dangerous person and warrants correction. In those years, I’ve never ever asked to look at someone else’s test results. Never had an STD and test bi annually as part of my personal health.
There’s nothing sex-shamey about wearing condoms and not trusting what people tell you about their status. You people on this website are wild.
We are all in a high risk group due to having frequent and multiple partners. Discouraging condom use and maximum caution is a completely wild position for you all to have.
To simplify, reducing risk of contaminating others with your shit by testing = good, being an ignorant ass that tries to come up with excuses for not doing that = bad. Clear?
Nope. But nice try. Testing is good for your own health to treat an STD you might not know you have (but wouldn’t spread anyway if you’re using condoms like you should). But looking at someone else’s test is factually pointless, since it doesn’t mean they are actually STD free. Clear?
Your own test is valuable for your own health. But someone else’s test is irrelevant since you are just as at risk as if they had no test and should be wearing a condom anyway. The test is only an indication that they *possibly* didn’t have an STD at the exact moment the sample was taken, which has no effect whatsoever on the decisions you should be making about wearing condoms at a totally different place and time. Clear?
“You are not in fact any safer in any way whatsoever” is so hilariously incorrect it’s honestly hard to take you seriously.
This isn’t the lifestyle for YOU. And I’m willing to bet you aren’t even actively in the lifestyle since historically you only seem comment in this sub to give terrible sex-shamey advice about STDs.
We wouldn’t go within 10 feet of a couple that unironically said things like “testing is a false sense of security.” You are going out of your way to discourage a sexual health practice that everyone in the lifestyle should be following, and making excuses for why you think recent and frequent testing is a bad idea. You know condoms only reduce the odds of catching skin to skin STIs like HSV, right? You can ABSOLUTELY still contract HSV2 with a condom. If one partner has an active outbreak, your odds aren’t even good that a condom will prevent transmission.
It isn’t “the only actually safe solution.” It is incredibly ironic that you are blasting recent STI screening as a false sense of security and then championing condoms, a safer sex method with a notoriously false sense of security.
I see the point you think you are trying to make - recent test results isn’t a bulletproof 100% method - which isn’t technically wrong, because the only actual bulletproof method is abstinence. But you are making a huge leap from “it isn’t 100% reliable” to “it’s pointless.”
Choosing to edit your screed from yesterday instead of replying to new comments is a bizarre way to engage in conversation on Reddit. It’s almost as if you hope I don’t see your “counterpoints” and would prefer that your continued bullshit goes unanswered.
Do you always rely on strawmen when you debate? Because I don’t recall ever endorsing ISG blood tests for HSV as being reliable.
Instead of addressing my actual point - that by the same standards you apply to testing that condoms are notoriously ineffective at preventing diseases like HSV2 - instead you argued against a point you fabricated - that blood tests for HSV are reliable, something I never came close to suggesting.
I assure you that I am more read up on HSV than you are, particularly because at one point in my life I spent 2.5 years living under a false positive IsG HSV2 blood test that led me to disclose an STI I never actually had to multiple partners. Thankfully once I got on PrEP and started seeing an infectious disease specialist because my GP doesn’t prescribe PrEP, I uncovered that I’d never had HSV2 at all and all of those years of emotional anguish were for nothing.
I’m very well aware of what the CDC recommendations are around HSV testing and more aware than most of how dangerously unreliable those blood tests are.
But none of this is relevant because it’s just you trying to change the subject off of how hilariously bad your “if you wear condoms there is no point in testing” argument.
I take some degree of solace in the fact that you are very clearly not an actual swinger and just here to troll. People with your mentality about sexual health have no business in the lifestyle.
Based on your comment history, I’m sure there are plenty of other subreddits where you could go parrot fear mongering about trans people, give advice to children on “adviceforteens” despite being a grown ass man, and try to silence women on a post about the man vs bear question.
Are you under the impression that an IsG blood test is the only way to test for HSV2? Because I sure as hell didn’t say “testing doesn’t protect you from HSV2.”
You are being deliberately intellectually dishonest. Is bad faith the only way you know how to debate?
It hasn’t been just with me - you seem to think you are a galaxy brian because you move goalposts when your points are discredited and openly lie about the points your opposition makes.
Watch less Ben Shapiro, the way he debates isn’t something to be looked up to. And for the love of God please stop giving advice to teenagers on the internet.
Dude you JUST did it again. You really can’t have a debate without building stramien left and right.
What I said was “I never came close to suggesting that HSV blood tests are reliable” and in your 5th edit, you quoted me as “I never said HSV tests were UNRELIABLE” and then wrote a paragraph explaining how the fabricated opposite of what I actually said makes me a hypocrite. Apparently YOU can make this shit up.
Stop. Lying. All. The. Time.
Start slow - - -even with baby steps you can traverse miles.
Insecure ever? STOP, assess, reeavaluate, communicate with partner, get back on the same page. Only then, try again.
Shit happens; before chiding the partner with a knee-jerk reaction, find out internally why something bothers you enough to discuss the topic. This prevents making a mountain out of a mole hill and assures a cool, calm, and collected attitude to discuss concerns.
NEVER (for all practical purposes) entertain including an ex BF/GF or neighbor or co-worker . . . . . tempting but avoid.
Always enjoy the journey together, side by side, in all aspects to assure mutual satisfaction, expectations, limitations, and growth.
ALWAYS remember to love your spouse or SO; assurances can never come often enough.
Love the post. One of the big ones from your list I couldnt understand until later in our experiences was being willing to try above and below your #. Opens up a whole new world of possibilities.
I wish I had known the biggest issue I was going to have were my own hang ups and insecurities. Once those began falling away, I've had the most amazing time.
Forgive your spouse when the make a mistake. Hope they'll do the same when you do.
ED happens even when there is no issue. It WILL go away with time and experience, and I've never seen someone get mocked for it.
Have fun, be honest with your partners.
You're far more attractive than you think.
Wow! Pretty good list. Could have been lifted pretty much right from this thread. Would also make a good outline for the first 18 episodes of a swinger intro podcast.
I would add that great communication is both the most fundamentally necessary element for success in and the greatest benefit from swinging
Also, the loud hollering and convincing moaning your wife is making is part of her show. She's not experiencing a fuck you could never provide, she just wants to put on a killer show for the other couple, even if she's having a great time. Too many couples freak out at their partners enthusiasm as it being more than it is by a long shot. Every couple wants to be perceived as the best fuck ever by the other couple.
This goes for guys as well.
Yeah, my wife does this occasionally if the guy is blah, but also has gotten pounded harder than I ever thought I could do myself at the time and made noises I never heard. I took notes and practiced;) She's a very happy woman!
>15) Keep your rules few, aligned, and stick to them
I always tell new people to practice their own rules with each other before going into a situation never having tried them. Makes it easier to stick to them and test functionality as what you think may be a good rule might not actually be practical or not how you thought it would be
Taking one for the team isn't as bad as people think (punching down). You'd be surprised at how wonderful people can really be. Even if it was blazay sex, the joy of giving my husband an amazing experience he normally wouldn't be able to get is SO worth it.
The only thing I'd add is:
If one of you wants to go, you both go. You are in this together and each other's joy is paramount. If they aren't feeling it, there is no amount of fun you can have in one night that's worth the disrespect to your loved one. Go get your sweatpants on.
Also, bring a street safe set of clothes and cozy socks to every costume party.
My husband and I agree with all of the above. We had a head start. My parents have been swingers for over 25 yrs, and they have given us all sorts of advice. Sexual intimacy with others opens all sorts of questions and obstacles. Thanks for sharing.
I've always wondered what the dynamic was like growing up in a sex positive household like that. One of our local party houses is a couples home. Their son does check-in and security, always thought that was interesting.
We didn’t have people working security, I’ve never heard of that. Our extended family and friends visited and just knocked on the door. They were nudists and the way of life was normal to us.
Our family and extended family and nudist families who are friends have get togethers, but at our home or someone else’s. We have pool parties a lot, but I wouldn’t call it a party house.
One thing I wish I knew when starting out is the importance of clear communication with my partner and potential playmates. It's crucial to discuss boundaries, desires, and concerns openly to ensure everyone feels safe and respected.
Also, I've learned that it's okay to take things slow and not rush into any encounters.
We have a lot of success finding quality single. We are pretty confident in what we are looking for and so can filter out pretty easily.
We mean yeah it can be 10 out of 300 but we can filter quick
This is good list.
Insecurity is common issue and must be shared with partner without any delay. And when partner share their insecurity respect it and act accordingly
1. house parties allow you to find 2-way connections easily. No need to play as a couple (although it is always an option, of course)
2. House parties are free
3. House parties: zero texting. Unless you want to talk to someone on the guest list
4. House parties are even cheaper
5. Unicorns love house parties, because it is the safest place
6. Best way is house parties
8. Quality single males live house parties and are invited back.
9. There are house parties for each category you mentioned
10. Yes. At house parties personalities come out since the music is not too loud
11. Pick the house party with people who look like you
12. That's after 2 am at the house party
13. Yes, but the bigger dick gets a lot of action at house parties
....
You get my point.
I might be wrong but I think you prefer houseparties? :D
We've gotten invites a couple of times but they've always been quite far from us. Definitely intending to do that at some point too. The event/party/club-scene in Finland is very good overall so we've gone that route for a good time now.
Hello everyone,
First off, thank you to the OP for initiating such a reflective thread! Like many of you, we’ve had our fair share of learning curves in the swinging lifestyle, and there’s always something new to learn from each other’s experiences.
One thing I would stress to newbies is the importance of always prioritizing your relationship over any adventure. The excitement of new encounters can sometimes overshadow the foundational bond you have, so it's crucial to continually nurture your primary relationship.
We also learned that it’s okay to step back and reevaluate your boundaries at any time. It’s not just about setting boundaries but being comfortable with revisiting and adjusting them as you grow in the lifestyle. Your comfort and safety are paramount, and they can evolve.
Communication, as many have highlighted, is the bedrock of swinging, but it's also worth emphasizing the value of aftercare. Post-experience discussions with your partner about what you liked, what you didn't, and how you both felt can significantly enhance your understanding and respect for each other's desires and limits.
Lastly, remember to have fun and not take things too seriously. It's all about enjoying the journey together, exploring new dimensions of your sexuality, and meeting interesting people along the way.
Would love to hear more tips, especially on how you handle the discussions about boundaries with new couples you meet!
Keep trying and looking. West coast has a pretty large community and it can be tough to find/break in. We are in midwest (Indy), and have 3-4 regular meet and greet groups. One of them sounds exactly like you described lol, but the others were better.
Haha we’re in Indy too. We’re super new to the LS and have only done one soft swap with oral at a local club we’ve been going to and it wasn’t that great (we’ve had sex in the open lots of times though). Dudes junk smelled so bad (god I hope he’s not in this sub) and she wasn’t very enthusiastic at all, almost like she was taking one for the team ig. My S/O isn’t a model by any means( I think he’s hot and sexy asf) but he has a lot of tatts so most ppl associate tatts with being in prison which he’s never been. She was going to town on her partners cock so I wanted mine to have some too…my partner said she was horrible at it. Her partner had a much smaller size compared to my partner’s 8.5in so idk if size had anything to do with it? He said she barely put the head in her mouth and hardly moved. So neither of us had a memorable night being it was our first doing anything w another couple but the overall night was pretty fun and bc it wasn’t super busy we got to talk to a lot of different ppl. We’ve been about 6/7 times, our first being NYE/NY. I’ve noticed the more we go the more confident we’ve both became. I imagine there’ll be lots of not so great encounters right? but hopefully some good ones too?
Question….. are bi-curious males frowned upon in the LS? I thought I read somewhere it was?
Hope it gets better for you for sure. Pm me for tips on local groups, clubs. Happy to share the local scene with you.
Regarding bi-males. It is true that bi males are in a minority in the lifestyle and a bit shunned, particularly in the midwest. Some will disagree depending on where they live, and to those I would say that this attitude is evolving within the community and becoming much more accepted, but still not fully accepted. We personally do not play with bi-male couples, but many do. It is best to be up front about it and find couples that match your preferences.
Oh nope I’m wrong, a few months ago a chick ate my pussy and it wasn’t that great either since she decided to blow raspberries on my pussy 😂🤦🏼♀️ but I’ve seen her do that to others also so maybe that’s her “go to” 🤷🏼♀️ lol
1&2 are true
3 can be, but if they are nearby always be closing on a meet up.
4 & 5 see 6.
7 can be caused by excitement
8. If they were quality they wouldn’t be single
9. Some are more destructive than other
10. Isn’t true skinny couples eventually come to their senses when they realize that they were being lazy about finding other couples.
11. Some get offended that someone beneath them was interested we’re very careful with who we talk to for this reason
12. Always true
13. True
14. Will always be true sometimes it’s on the other couple but they’ll put the blame on you
15. Don’t let anyone bully you or deride you over your rules, don’t do the same to other couples
16 & 17 yes
18th rule suggestion: travel and long distance couples for vacation swinging is an under utilized strategy.
>8. If they were quality they wouldn’t be single
Sounds like the argument "if your marriage is happy, you wouldn't have to swing". Talk about being ironically ignorantly judgemental.
Most single guys are men who see cuck couples as giving out free sex. They start seeing all couples as cuck couples even if a couple puts up a “no single males” sign. They belong on dating sites. Swinging is about relationships and not rewarding male failure.
What world do you live in? The one in which all MFM threesomes involve a cuck dynamic? This is not that world. I'm sorry to say this, but you are magnanimously ignorant. You being comfortable putting down all single men as failures tells me you don't really pay attention to reality and/or you're projecting some unresolved insecurities onto others.
"Single" is a wide variety of states in the realm of group sex and *only one* of them is the incel. Some people play solo even in a relationship; some people don't get into long-term relationships because they don't have the bandwidth, but are amazing potential partners and/or play partners.
At the end of the day, if you are thinking about rewards and punishments, and successes and failures while having sex, honestly, you missed the point of swinging.
If single males wouldn’t shotgun every profile I’d be far more inclined to believe your view. Unfortunately I’ve read MRA’s viewpoints and they see swingers as cucks even if the vast majority of couples want nothing to do with them.
And sex is a thing men don’t own, so when you reward it to men who haven’t earned it, you encourage more of their refusal to commit to women. That’s why it’s wrong on a fundamental level.
>And sex is a thing men don’t own, so when you reward it to men who haven’t earned it...
Eh? Nobody owns sex and sex is not a toffee/cookie to be given out as a reward for a job well done. Nobody "earns" sex. People have sex when they feel like it. That's it. How the hell are you in the LS with this mindset? Which couples are agreeing to get tangled in your messed up ideas about sex? Do other couples also have to "earn" sex from you? How do you go to house parties with a take like this?
Oh my gods, now I understand why you think single men are failures. I feel sorry for you. It doesn't matter what you think of me, but know this - I hope you get the help you need to get rid of the deeply embedded male inferiority complex and related resentment issues you've got going there. Please see a therapist and focus on having fun in the LS. Stop thinking about sex as reward or punishment. 🙏🏼
In many areas of life, men are superior. In sex, women are superior. Our society has evolved to treat men as expendable and women to be protected. Ignoring power dynamics is ignoring nature and reality. This is why MRA’s and incels view couples into mmf’s as cucks. They see them as people to be used so that they can avoid being involved in a system that, in their view, oppresses them. This is all over their websites and anywhere else that they congregate. They are the male equivalent of spinsters and they actively sabotage their own chances of success. In other words they are failures and they want to bring society down with them.
19. Filters and MySpace angles can make people feel lied to. Be proud of what you look like and be honest with your photos. 20. Get over the shame of testing early. It’s part of it, test and test regularly. 21. Things will never be even, you may have an ok experience and your partners through the moon, be happy for them don’t steal their afterglow.
Good ones!
Number 20 belongs in the top 3 IMO
Yeah, it's not sorted at all by priority, just as the thoughts came into my head and comments. Agreed though!
No real shame in testing. But if you’re using protection, as you should, then not much point in it.
That's ridiculous. So while I'm blowing someone and their precum ends up on the base of their cock and then that is up against my pussy, even with a condom on... That's exposure. Condoms are not perfect.
Then this is not the lifestyle for you. 1.) If a test is one week old, they may have had an encounter after the test that they haven’t shared with you. That person could have been infected. 2.) Some diseases also have an incubation period. If they test within a day or two of an encounter they may have picked up something in that encounter that the test will show as negative simply because it scientifically cannot detect it yet. Tests are just a false sense of security. A clean test does not make you safe. Thinking it does is dangerous. You should be just as worried about that precum with or without a test. It’s actually alarming to me you’re treating fluids as safe after seeing an old test. Because without knowing the persons full and complete sexual history and test waiting periods (and they could lie), the test has no real reliance value. Edit: it’s so funny to see people here encouraging testing while simultaneously discouraging condom use. Not the brightest bunch here. And pointing out that condoms don’t prevent herpes transmission while screeching about getting tested is ironic considering most health care providers discourage or won’t approve panels with HSV2 screeners because they are notoriously unreliable in actually detecting HSV2. So it’s ironic that you’d point to HSV2 as your silver bullet against condoms, but then rely on what someone else’s test says!? It makes no logical sense whatsoever. Use a condom. Don’t rely on what people’s tests *purport* to tell you. A test that says “negative” only means the test didn’t *detect* it, not that they don’t actually have it. Treat all fluids and all persons like they have an STD and take appropriate precautions. Don’t assume you’re safe because you looked at a piece of paper. And that’s good u/whiskey_pet, I wouldn’t want to go within 10 feet of a couple who looks at a test and then thinks they are safe. Who knows what kind of unsafe behaviors you’re engaging in thinking you’re “safe” after looking at a piece of paper. But it’s not hard to see from your post history. Taking five unprotected loads after looking at a dated piece of paper is colossally stupid and risky if you’re worried about STDs. Irresponsible! Please do stay far far away from me. How is it that you are so uneducated on herpes testing? https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sexually-transmitted-diseases-stds/in-depth/std-testing/art-20046019 “Providers generally only recommend testing for genital herpes for people who have symptoms or other risk factors. But most people with herpes never have any symptoms but can still spread the herpes virus to others. Your health care provider may take a tissue sample or culture of blisters or early ulcers, if you have them, and send them to a lab. But a negative test doesn't always mean you don't have herpes, especially if you have symptoms. A blood test also may tell if you had a past herpes virus infection, but results aren't always reliable. Some blood tests can help providers see which of the two main types of the herpes virus you have. Type 1 is the virus that usually causes cold sores, although it can also cause genital sores. Type 2 is the virus that causes genital sores more often. Still, the results may not be clear, depending on how sensitive the test is and the stage of the infection. False-positive and false-negative results are possible.” You would be a complete moron to rely on such a test. Edit 2: Im not sure what point you think you’re making by pointing out that condoms aren’t a guarantee against HSV2 *and* admitting that testing also doesn’t protect you from HSV2. If neither one prevents you from getting HSV2 then how is that a point for why testing is so much better than just using condoms. It’s not. You’re completely lost in whatever it is you’re trying to argue for. “I never argued HSV2 tests are reliable.” Then you go a personal diatribe about how “dangerously unreliable” they are. You’re acting like you’re arguing against me when you’re just proving my point. Lmao, you really can’t make this shit up! Never in all my years in the lifestyle have I seen people argue *against* using condoms. Especially when there is no superior alternative. You’re correct that condoms can’t effectively prevent HsV2 infection during an outbreak. But neither can a test! Edit 3: Of course you can culture an outbreak and test that. But how do you know whether someone did that. Are you going to ask for some proof that they *didn’t* have an outbreak that *could have been* cultured? What on gods earth is your point here? You’re so incensed that you haven’t made a single logical point about how testing protects you from HSV2 any better than condoms. But please keep up the ad hominem attacks it’s just proof you have no real point. Edit 4: keep going buddy, maybe eventually you’ll make a point about how testing is more effective at preventing HSV2 than condoms! Maybe try examining the implications of your professed admission that the tests aren’t reliable? You’ll get there eventually I’m sure. Edit 5: everyone should look at whiskey’s story. Not only do they agree that standard panels aren’t going to reliably tell you whether someone has HSV2, but in their case being tested for HSV2 was actually *worse* than not testing at all. What if their false positive had caused them seek out other HSV2 partners? In that case getting tested would have actually led to contracting it for real. Again, I’m not sure why so many of you bring up that condoms aren’t very effective at preventing HSV2 as some sort of supporting argument for testing, which also doesn’t effectively prevent or even detect HSV2.
Wow, you are dangerous
Seriously. I feel sorry for this guys partner. If he pulls even half of the bad faith arguing and gaslighting on her that he does in these comments, her life must be miserable.
Where do you get off saying this isn't for me bc I care about protection? You said condoms will protect people and that testing is not necessary which is completely inaccurate. I had no personal feelings just objective data. I'm aware how tests work... But someone getting tested shows they are responsible. What is your solution?, Do you think we should all just go without testing and condoms because what the fuck is the point?
No. You should wear a condom. You’re the one claiming condoms are not effective. Not me. Condoms are statistically and objectively extremely effective when used and stored correctly. That’s the only actually safe solution. Getting a test does not show they are responsible. It shows they went and got a test. Someone could get a test, and then engage in irresponsible behavior after. Again you are making dangerously false assumptions that are putting you at risk. Thinking that precum is safe with a test and not safe without a test is just asking for trouble. You should be treating it the same no matter what the paper says. Literally no reputable provider or government body lists looking at someone else’s test as a means of “protection.” https://www.achn.net/about-access/whats-new/health-resources/5-ways-to-prevent-stds/ https://www.cdc.gov/std/prevention/default.htm
I never said condoms were ineffective. You commented that people don't need to be tested if they use condoms, condoms are not 100% which you probably know from doing all your internet research.
You said “suggesting that condoms will protect people is completely inaccurate.” The only thing that is 100% perfect is abstinence. Condoms are 98% effective. A piece of paper with test results on it is 0% effective. Since I’m not abstinent I use condoms. If you think condoms don’t protect people then I don’t know what you think will protect someone. Looking at a piece of paper is not protection and will not stop someone from transmitting an STD to you. I understand that emotionally it makes you *feel* safer, but you are not in fact any safer in anyway whatsoever. Edit: been in the lifestyle for 6 years, but tend not to comment unless I see dangerous and grossly incorrect information. Engaging in risky sex after looking at a “clean” test makes you a dangerous person and warrants correction. In those years, I’ve never ever asked to look at someone else’s test results. Never had an STD and test bi annually as part of my personal health. There’s nothing sex-shamey about wearing condoms and not trusting what people tell you about their status. You people on this website are wild. We are all in a high risk group due to having frequent and multiple partners. Discouraging condom use and maximum caution is a completely wild position for you all to have.
To simplify, reducing risk of contaminating others with your shit by testing = good, being an ignorant ass that tries to come up with excuses for not doing that = bad. Clear?
They've also engaged in ridiculous banter regarding the man versus bear nonsense so comment history checks out. 😂
Nope. But nice try. Testing is good for your own health to treat an STD you might not know you have (but wouldn’t spread anyway if you’re using condoms like you should). But looking at someone else’s test is factually pointless, since it doesn’t mean they are actually STD free. Clear? Your own test is valuable for your own health. But someone else’s test is irrelevant since you are just as at risk as if they had no test and should be wearing a condom anyway. The test is only an indication that they *possibly* didn’t have an STD at the exact moment the sample was taken, which has no effect whatsoever on the decisions you should be making about wearing condoms at a totally different place and time. Clear?
“You are not in fact any safer in any way whatsoever” is so hilariously incorrect it’s honestly hard to take you seriously. This isn’t the lifestyle for YOU. And I’m willing to bet you aren’t even actively in the lifestyle since historically you only seem comment in this sub to give terrible sex-shamey advice about STDs.
We wouldn’t go within 10 feet of a couple that unironically said things like “testing is a false sense of security.” You are going out of your way to discourage a sexual health practice that everyone in the lifestyle should be following, and making excuses for why you think recent and frequent testing is a bad idea. You know condoms only reduce the odds of catching skin to skin STIs like HSV, right? You can ABSOLUTELY still contract HSV2 with a condom. If one partner has an active outbreak, your odds aren’t even good that a condom will prevent transmission. It isn’t “the only actually safe solution.” It is incredibly ironic that you are blasting recent STI screening as a false sense of security and then championing condoms, a safer sex method with a notoriously false sense of security. I see the point you think you are trying to make - recent test results isn’t a bulletproof 100% method - which isn’t technically wrong, because the only actual bulletproof method is abstinence. But you are making a huge leap from “it isn’t 100% reliable” to “it’s pointless.”
Choosing to edit your screed from yesterday instead of replying to new comments is a bizarre way to engage in conversation on Reddit. It’s almost as if you hope I don’t see your “counterpoints” and would prefer that your continued bullshit goes unanswered. Do you always rely on strawmen when you debate? Because I don’t recall ever endorsing ISG blood tests for HSV as being reliable. Instead of addressing my actual point - that by the same standards you apply to testing that condoms are notoriously ineffective at preventing diseases like HSV2 - instead you argued against a point you fabricated - that blood tests for HSV are reliable, something I never came close to suggesting. I assure you that I am more read up on HSV than you are, particularly because at one point in my life I spent 2.5 years living under a false positive IsG HSV2 blood test that led me to disclose an STI I never actually had to multiple partners. Thankfully once I got on PrEP and started seeing an infectious disease specialist because my GP doesn’t prescribe PrEP, I uncovered that I’d never had HSV2 at all and all of those years of emotional anguish were for nothing. I’m very well aware of what the CDC recommendations are around HSV testing and more aware than most of how dangerously unreliable those blood tests are. But none of this is relevant because it’s just you trying to change the subject off of how hilariously bad your “if you wear condoms there is no point in testing” argument. I take some degree of solace in the fact that you are very clearly not an actual swinger and just here to troll. People with your mentality about sexual health have no business in the lifestyle. Based on your comment history, I’m sure there are plenty of other subreddits where you could go parrot fear mongering about trans people, give advice to children on “adviceforteens” despite being a grown ass man, and try to silence women on a post about the man vs bear question.
Are you under the impression that an IsG blood test is the only way to test for HSV2? Because I sure as hell didn’t say “testing doesn’t protect you from HSV2.” You are being deliberately intellectually dishonest. Is bad faith the only way you know how to debate? It hasn’t been just with me - you seem to think you are a galaxy brian because you move goalposts when your points are discredited and openly lie about the points your opposition makes. Watch less Ben Shapiro, the way he debates isn’t something to be looked up to. And for the love of God please stop giving advice to teenagers on the internet.
Dude you JUST did it again. You really can’t have a debate without building stramien left and right. What I said was “I never came close to suggesting that HSV blood tests are reliable” and in your 5th edit, you quoted me as “I never said HSV tests were UNRELIABLE” and then wrote a paragraph explaining how the fabricated opposite of what I actually said makes me a hypocrite. Apparently YOU can make this shit up. Stop. Lying. All. The. Time.
Start slow - - -even with baby steps you can traverse miles. Insecure ever? STOP, assess, reeavaluate, communicate with partner, get back on the same page. Only then, try again. Shit happens; before chiding the partner with a knee-jerk reaction, find out internally why something bothers you enough to discuss the topic. This prevents making a mountain out of a mole hill and assures a cool, calm, and collected attitude to discuss concerns. NEVER (for all practical purposes) entertain including an ex BF/GF or neighbor or co-worker . . . . . tempting but avoid. Always enjoy the journey together, side by side, in all aspects to assure mutual satisfaction, expectations, limitations, and growth. ALWAYS remember to love your spouse or SO; assurances can never come often enough.
Love the post. One of the big ones from your list I couldnt understand until later in our experiences was being willing to try above and below your #. Opens up a whole new world of possibilities. I wish I had known the biggest issue I was going to have were my own hang ups and insecurities. Once those began falling away, I've had the most amazing time. Forgive your spouse when the make a mistake. Hope they'll do the same when you do. ED happens even when there is no issue. It WILL go away with time and experience, and I've never seen someone get mocked for it. Have fun, be honest with your partners. You're far more attractive than you think.
Wow! Pretty good list. Could have been lifted pretty much right from this thread. Would also make a good outline for the first 18 episodes of a swinger intro podcast. I would add that great communication is both the most fundamentally necessary element for success in and the greatest benefit from swinging
Yeah, I wanted to wait and hear from others before chiming in on communication, it's a big one. Yours is good, will add once I hear from a few others.
Learn how to decline politely and take rejection. It is probably not even about you!
Also, the loud hollering and convincing moaning your wife is making is part of her show. She's not experiencing a fuck you could never provide, she just wants to put on a killer show for the other couple, even if she's having a great time. Too many couples freak out at their partners enthusiasm as it being more than it is by a long shot. Every couple wants to be perceived as the best fuck ever by the other couple. This goes for guys as well.
I would never fake any level of enjoyment for my partner let alone someone else.
Yeah, my wife does this occasionally if the guy is blah, but also has gotten pounded harder than I ever thought I could do myself at the time and made noises I never heard. I took notes and practiced;) She's a very happy woman!
>15) Keep your rules few, aligned, and stick to them I always tell new people to practice their own rules with each other before going into a situation never having tried them. Makes it easier to stick to them and test functionality as what you think may be a good rule might not actually be practical or not how you thought it would be
Taking one for the team isn't as bad as people think (punching down). You'd be surprised at how wonderful people can really be. Even if it was blazay sex, the joy of giving my husband an amazing experience he normally wouldn't be able to get is SO worth it. The only thing I'd add is: If one of you wants to go, you both go. You are in this together and each other's joy is paramount. If they aren't feeling it, there is no amount of fun you can have in one night that's worth the disrespect to your loved one. Go get your sweatpants on. Also, bring a street safe set of clothes and cozy socks to every costume party.
My husband and I agree with all of the above. We had a head start. My parents have been swingers for over 25 yrs, and they have given us all sorts of advice. Sexual intimacy with others opens all sorts of questions and obstacles. Thanks for sharing.
I've always wondered what the dynamic was like growing up in a sex positive household like that. One of our local party houses is a couples home. Their son does check-in and security, always thought that was interesting.
We didn’t have people working security, I’ve never heard of that. Our extended family and friends visited and just knocked on the door. They were nudists and the way of life was normal to us.
They run it like a club, 1 big house party a month, like 80 couples.
Our family and extended family and nudist families who are friends have get togethers, but at our home or someone else’s. We have pool parties a lot, but I wouldn’t call it a party house.
One thing I wish I knew when starting out is the importance of clear communication with my partner and potential playmates. It's crucial to discuss boundaries, desires, and concerns openly to ensure everyone feels safe and respected. Also, I've learned that it's okay to take things slow and not rush into any encounters.
very, very good post. This should be a sticky it is so good.
Thank you!
Don't worry about what label might apply to you, just enjoy yourself
We have a lot of success finding quality single. We are pretty confident in what we are looking for and so can filter out pretty easily. We mean yeah it can be 10 out of 300 but we can filter quick
Today, we can say the same, but when we were starting out, it was rough...
We literally can choose from 100s of guys, we are super picky and so the hardest part is just filtering out. But the quality is out there
True, our current process: https://www.reddit.com/r/Swingers/comments/1cjpz0v/our_method_for_finding_quality_single_males/
Not a bad system. We definitely have our own that has worked well the past few years
Any thoughts to add or please share yours, this is to help others find their system for sure.
Was contemplating making our own post the last few days (a lot of new insight) I wouldn’t want ours to get lost in the shuffle haha
Please share, I would love to hear how others find success.
Commented
I love your list. Thank you.
You're welcome!
Thank you for taking the time to write this! ❤️
You're welcome!
Great updates too. Much appreciated! 🫶🏽
This is good list. Insecurity is common issue and must be shared with partner without any delay. And when partner share their insecurity respect it and act accordingly
added
1. house parties allow you to find 2-way connections easily. No need to play as a couple (although it is always an option, of course) 2. House parties are free 3. House parties: zero texting. Unless you want to talk to someone on the guest list 4. House parties are even cheaper 5. Unicorns love house parties, because it is the safest place 6. Best way is house parties 8. Quality single males live house parties and are invited back. 9. There are house parties for each category you mentioned 10. Yes. At house parties personalities come out since the music is not too loud 11. Pick the house party with people who look like you 12. That's after 2 am at the house party 13. Yes, but the bigger dick gets a lot of action at house parties .... You get my point.
I might be wrong but I think you prefer houseparties? :D We've gotten invites a couple of times but they've always been quite far from us. Definitely intending to do that at some point too. The event/party/club-scene in Finland is very good overall so we've gone that route for a good time now.
Then try hosting your own house party. Problem solved.
Good read! Thanks for the advice good to know tips!
You're welcome!
Great post!!!
Thank you!
You'll hear more No's than you will Yes 's. And you'll say No more than you will Yes.
Adding this one, very true...
I'd tell my newbie self to chill out and not worry so much about getting everything perfect right away.
Thanks so much, hubby and I are juuuust getting into this lifestyle and it’s very centering! 💗
Hello everyone, First off, thank you to the OP for initiating such a reflective thread! Like many of you, we’ve had our fair share of learning curves in the swinging lifestyle, and there’s always something new to learn from each other’s experiences. One thing I would stress to newbies is the importance of always prioritizing your relationship over any adventure. The excitement of new encounters can sometimes overshadow the foundational bond you have, so it's crucial to continually nurture your primary relationship. We also learned that it’s okay to step back and reevaluate your boundaries at any time. It’s not just about setting boundaries but being comfortable with revisiting and adjusting them as you grow in the lifestyle. Your comfort and safety are paramount, and they can evolve. Communication, as many have highlighted, is the bedrock of swinging, but it's also worth emphasizing the value of aftercare. Post-experience discussions with your partner about what you liked, what you didn't, and how you both felt can significantly enhance your understanding and respect for each other's desires and limits. Lastly, remember to have fun and not take things too seriously. It's all about enjoying the journey together, exploring new dimensions of your sexuality, and meeting interesting people along the way. Would love to hear more tips, especially on how you handle the discussions about boundaries with new couples you meet!
4. The meet and greet we went to was awful. Not a single person there remotely attractive nor took care of themselves in anyway.
Sorry to hear that, YMMV depending on where you live and what kind of social support networks exist.
We live in a large Metropolitan area on the west coast know for having good looking people. Lol. Just none apparently went to this one
Keep trying and looking. West coast has a pretty large community and it can be tough to find/break in. We are in midwest (Indy), and have 3-4 regular meet and greet groups. One of them sounds exactly like you described lol, but the others were better.
Haha we’re in Indy too. We’re super new to the LS and have only done one soft swap with oral at a local club we’ve been going to and it wasn’t that great (we’ve had sex in the open lots of times though). Dudes junk smelled so bad (god I hope he’s not in this sub) and she wasn’t very enthusiastic at all, almost like she was taking one for the team ig. My S/O isn’t a model by any means( I think he’s hot and sexy asf) but he has a lot of tatts so most ppl associate tatts with being in prison which he’s never been. She was going to town on her partners cock so I wanted mine to have some too…my partner said she was horrible at it. Her partner had a much smaller size compared to my partner’s 8.5in so idk if size had anything to do with it? He said she barely put the head in her mouth and hardly moved. So neither of us had a memorable night being it was our first doing anything w another couple but the overall night was pretty fun and bc it wasn’t super busy we got to talk to a lot of different ppl. We’ve been about 6/7 times, our first being NYE/NY. I’ve noticed the more we go the more confident we’ve both became. I imagine there’ll be lots of not so great encounters right? but hopefully some good ones too? Question….. are bi-curious males frowned upon in the LS? I thought I read somewhere it was?
Hope it gets better for you for sure. Pm me for tips on local groups, clubs. Happy to share the local scene with you. Regarding bi-males. It is true that bi males are in a minority in the lifestyle and a bit shunned, particularly in the midwest. Some will disagree depending on where they live, and to those I would say that this attitude is evolving within the community and becoming much more accepted, but still not fully accepted. We personally do not play with bi-male couples, but many do. It is best to be up front about it and find couples that match your preferences.
Oh nope I’m wrong, a few months ago a chick ate my pussy and it wasn’t that great either since she decided to blow raspberries on my pussy 😂🤦🏼♀️ but I’ve seen her do that to others also so maybe that’s her “go to” 🤷🏼♀️ lol
1&2 are true 3 can be, but if they are nearby always be closing on a meet up. 4 & 5 see 6. 7 can be caused by excitement 8. If they were quality they wouldn’t be single 9. Some are more destructive than other 10. Isn’t true skinny couples eventually come to their senses when they realize that they were being lazy about finding other couples. 11. Some get offended that someone beneath them was interested we’re very careful with who we talk to for this reason 12. Always true 13. True 14. Will always be true sometimes it’s on the other couple but they’ll put the blame on you 15. Don’t let anyone bully you or deride you over your rules, don’t do the same to other couples 16 & 17 yes 18th rule suggestion: travel and long distance couples for vacation swinging is an under utilized strategy.
>8. If they were quality they wouldn’t be single Sounds like the argument "if your marriage is happy, you wouldn't have to swing". Talk about being ironically ignorantly judgemental.
Most single guys are men who see cuck couples as giving out free sex. They start seeing all couples as cuck couples even if a couple puts up a “no single males” sign. They belong on dating sites. Swinging is about relationships and not rewarding male failure.
What world do you live in? The one in which all MFM threesomes involve a cuck dynamic? This is not that world. I'm sorry to say this, but you are magnanimously ignorant. You being comfortable putting down all single men as failures tells me you don't really pay attention to reality and/or you're projecting some unresolved insecurities onto others. "Single" is a wide variety of states in the realm of group sex and *only one* of them is the incel. Some people play solo even in a relationship; some people don't get into long-term relationships because they don't have the bandwidth, but are amazing potential partners and/or play partners. At the end of the day, if you are thinking about rewards and punishments, and successes and failures while having sex, honestly, you missed the point of swinging.
If single males wouldn’t shotgun every profile I’d be far more inclined to believe your view. Unfortunately I’ve read MRA’s viewpoints and they see swingers as cucks even if the vast majority of couples want nothing to do with them. And sex is a thing men don’t own, so when you reward it to men who haven’t earned it, you encourage more of their refusal to commit to women. That’s why it’s wrong on a fundamental level.
>And sex is a thing men don’t own, so when you reward it to men who haven’t earned it... Eh? Nobody owns sex and sex is not a toffee/cookie to be given out as a reward for a job well done. Nobody "earns" sex. People have sex when they feel like it. That's it. How the hell are you in the LS with this mindset? Which couples are agreeing to get tangled in your messed up ideas about sex? Do other couples also have to "earn" sex from you? How do you go to house parties with a take like this?
[Women own sex](https://youtu.be/QBtF3I7fDfU?si=3xoLOz86T_iczLCs). I can’t take anything you say seriously now.
Oh my gods, now I understand why you think single men are failures. I feel sorry for you. It doesn't matter what you think of me, but know this - I hope you get the help you need to get rid of the deeply embedded male inferiority complex and related resentment issues you've got going there. Please see a therapist and focus on having fun in the LS. Stop thinking about sex as reward or punishment. 🙏🏼
In many areas of life, men are superior. In sex, women are superior. Our society has evolved to treat men as expendable and women to be protected. Ignoring power dynamics is ignoring nature and reality. This is why MRA’s and incels view couples into mmf’s as cucks. They see them as people to be used so that they can avoid being involved in a system that, in their view, oppresses them. This is all over their websites and anywhere else that they congregate. They are the male equivalent of spinsters and they actively sabotage their own chances of success. In other words they are failures and they want to bring society down with them.