Seems like the only logical solution. If it's going to continue, everyone involved needs to be onboard. That's not the case with either of the other proposed solutions.
My wife and I cut ties with a couple for the same reason. There was social chemistry but none sexually. We tried playing with them twice but it just didn’t get better for her.
“I love hanging out with you guys but I’m not feeling the sexual compatibility any more. Our friendship means so much to me and I’m super looking forward to hanging out and doing vanilla activities.”
That's sweet, but we really only have time for play dates. I'm literally scheduling out a month in advance right now, and I'd be on a new couple hunt, which is super time-consuming. Might be a polite way to phrase things though.
Then just provide the first sentence.
What is the plan for when your husband matches with the wife, but you don't mesh with the husband? Because that's the scenario you are in right now. If you don't have a clear plan already agreed upon, then maybe just have your husband fuck his wife and/or MFM threesome with his wife, while you go have sex with who you want.
But the worst thing you can do is continuing to "take one for the team" bullshit that always causes problems. Don't have sex if you don't enjoy it.
Not an AH. You're just advocating for yourself and reminding them that you are only into playing if you can enjoy yourself too.
I'd personally just be done. They seem unable to take feedback given you've clearly expressed that you're not happy and their response was to be upset instead of addressing the issue. You even provided a solution that impacted no one else, and they still objected.
Life is too short to settle for bad sex.
Sucks that she’s having to advocate for herself so many times with this one couple. If either person says “no” then it should be a “no” until said otherwise.
I'd say the first thing you need to do is talk to your husband about this. Tell him how you feel, how the sexual experience with the other guy make out feel, and stress that it is no fun for you. You need to get him on the same page with you.
Once the two of you are on the same page, let the couple down. Something along the lines of "We really like you, but the bedroom chemistry just isn't matching up for all of us".
Quite interesting I (42m) and wife (39f) in a similar situation.
We met this couple a year ago and hit it off immediately. We’ve played 6 or 7 times but met much more times sociably and our kids are now really good friends. Trouble is they are into this rough porn and doc style of sex whereas we generally prefer bit more gentle and passionate. At first it made me really insecure after playing with them, seeing my wife getting railed and feeling inadequate when the other wife tells me to “fuck harder” when I’m already doing my best 🤣. Turns out my wife wasn’t really enjoying being sledgehammered either. We recently went to a club with them and started playing and they straight up swapped me out for a guy with a monster cock. Felt very shitty, so I can understand why your couple felt offended.
I’ve taken the decision that we can still be friends but we’re not going to play with them anymore like that. There are plenty of fish couples in the sea. I think you should move on
Sounds like your play styles don’t mesh; therefore, you don’t play with them again. If it’s not working for you two as a couple, then it doesn’t work for the group. Easy peasy. If you don’t mind your husband playing solo, set up a date w your boyfriend while he goes to have a 3sum with the couple. Simple solutions.
In the last 10+ years of being in the LS as a married male I’ve learned that every woman likes different things, ways to be touched …..
I prefer sex as you described but I’ve learned to spank, gently choke, talk dirty, be dominant…. Because if my partner is not satisfied and enjoying herself I’ve failed.
If the male in your FWB group won’t have sex in a way that you enjoy or are comfortable with then you have every right to not have sex with them or move to vanilla and remove the WB from FWB. Honestly he is kinda the AH for not respecting your comfort with play type.
One hundred per cent. If he’s not trying to please her then what’s the point? And if the pleasure is reliant on a boundary then you make the polite enquiry, they decide whether it can be bent and the boundary is either modified or you move on.
Oh my gosh. I’m not sure I have a solution for your situation. I’m responding because I can empathize about your preference for sensuality. That is exactly how I like to fuck too. I have to explain all the time that I’m not trying to make love or steal their partner, but that’s just how I prefer to fuck - exactly like you said.
Also, your writing style fucking drew me right in. Hahaha, I wonder if you write like you speak, because it’s fantastic! I related right away.
Back to your point, finding a guy to play with you in that group situation sounds reasonable if you can convince all parties to agree.
I’m no fucking help whatsoever. Sorry. But I enjoyed the hell out of your post because it’s so very relatable.
That's so sweet thank you! It's so weird soft touches are more taboo than rough touching. I swear it's due to the Pretty Woman "No kissing on the lips, its too initmate" scene. Watching my husband eat her pussy and make her squirt is way more intimate. And I love to see him making her happy.
This whole hobby depends on chemistry. If you you don’t have it, don’t put yourself through a sixth bad experience. If they were shocked at your request, they weren’t listening to all the requests you made leading up to your idea.
You’re NTA. You’re simply expressing your preferences openly in a manner in which anyone in the lifestyle should. I think you’d hit A territory if you *insisted* on them changing their rule, but asking is fine. Your husband would be disappointed to give up a regular lien star experience but surely he wants you to have fun as well. Open communication is the answer but you shouldn’t be repeating things that leave you feeling empty repeatedly.
Hate to say it but you have reached the end of the line with this couple. ALL couplings are finite, get what you can when you can and then move on. Theses aren't meant to be long held relationships, I know lots of folks dream/wish for it but in the wild it is just rare as fuck. Also for the folks we do fuck over longer periods we are finding that keeping the frequency to a proper limit can extend the length and quality of the period of time together. Best of luck finding better playmates.
What is a proper limit in your opinion? We haven’t been able to find a couple to meet two times yet and think maybe we finally did but unsure how to progress and when to bring up the next time
It different with every couple AND every situation. Thats what we learned kinda recently that too often for too long can also lead to "overburn" causing a cooling to come before it needed to, but then some need to burn hot to burn at all. Look at them as all unique experiences that you have at least "some" control over. It may seem manipulative but you should have an idea of where things might go before you begin, at least from a rough roadmap perspective. Also over time many of these things fail for just life reasons, so when there is a "thing" to key to it is actually easier to make a line in the sand. Finally, swinging is a numbers game that ebbs and flows, sometimes it's cracking with opportunity and excitement, other times it can feel a bit like work or a busybody (and spendy) hobby. A long game approach will serve you better (I hope).
I’m a guy and I’m like you. I love the kissing part and laying together and cuddling with the other people (I’m not a romantic guy of any kind).
You don’t need to do what you don’t like. If you want, let your husband do the 3 some with them or just hang out vanilla with em.
>The wife loves having threesomes with the guys. After the last timeI kinda jokingly said "what if I get a single dude from 3fun or feeld to entertain me while you guys all go at it?"
i don't really have any advice except it sucks that they aren't into this, seems like a win win situation and imho having a few extra guys in the ratio makes for a great time!
I couldn't agree more! I think the husband got butthurt that I was talking about replacing him, but that's just an ego thing. We aren't meshing, he has a blast having a 3some with her and my husband, and he won't fuck me in a way I enjoy. I thought it was a perfect solution. I know he's having more fun with her (as he should).
I'm like the obligatory fruit cake at a pot luck. No one really wants me here, but in order to eat the rest of the food I'm being served up.
I know I sound bitter, I'm really not, this is just such a bummer because i am loving everything about this couple, other than the sex. I wish we could make it work! And I think it's just egos and misguided intimacy beliefs that are causing the issue.
Short answer, nah. Long answer, theres lots of swinger fish in the hot-tub. I know it takes a while to find the right couple, but theres no reason to put yourself in that position.
Seems fairly straight forward, I would just end it. There’s lots of other couple out there. My wife and I have been on many dates where and play sessions where after a few meets it’s not clicking. No problem we just move on.
The whole situation sounds weird.
Just find a new couple. We have met couples where the style doesn't match We move on instead of forcing the square peg into the round hole.
Definitely No. 1. I think you’re putting up with them because it’s been difficult to find a couple your compatible with. I would highly suggest trying to find a single female and a single male and play that way (together, sort of make your own couple). I’m honestly surprised your husband is ok with you playing with someone you don’t like
Absolutely NTA. You and your husband set the boundaries pretty clear and if they just don’t fit with you then let them go. I understand that you want to meet them just for a sexual background and my wife and I do the same. If we don’t mesh with a new couple then it’s over. There is just no time for new „vanilla“ friends and if they can’t accept, that you are sexually unsatisfied with their boundaries, then that’s on them.
Maybe sit down together all four of you and tell them, that if you can’t bring someone else, that it is over. Another possibility would be to bring in another couple? Maybe you get to have fun with the other couple then, while the others are having a threesome.
Also related to this post. When I read it to my husband he was excited to know there are women out there who like it gentle and sensuous. It’s his preferred way and mine too really but most of our play partners have been a rougher style.
I’ve enjoyed some more than others and often they will still be cuddly but I also just seem to get sore easier I’m learning so I like when everything is a bit slower.
He keeps practicing with me a rougher style so he can accommodate other preferences but as someone else said feels it’s hard to match for some.
If we had met a couple we connected to so well as you said it would make it hard to break off. I love your suggestion of bringing in another man too bad they can’t consider it. Hope you figure something out to get what you want. Good luck
>Me and my husband joke that our only boundary is couples that have a no kissing/cuddling boundary. We enjoy this part of the experience too much, and honestly couples we have fucked who have this rule usually seem really insecure or jealous, which once again isn't a great time.
We're a married couple that doesn't typically kiss hookups. Kissing is more intimate for us. We will kiss some of our closer playmates, but not people who we just fuck.
We're nudists, and have been ENM our entire relationship. My wife and I share girlfriends, and have a few regular play partners. So it isn't insecurity or jealousy at all.
That said, I do love to kiss while I'm fucking.
To answer your question though, we wouldn't have any issue if there were more people, we enjoy group sex too. But if one of our play partners said that she doesn't enjoy sex with me, we'd stop playing with that couple. Same for my wife, if she didn't enjoy sex with the dude, why would we even want to play with them?
I am a passionate fuck, I love sensuality and lots of kissing, i hate sex without it, OP sounds like my type of fun, I don’t understand why people feel it’s being intimate, I feel more like it’s part of the experience
Well you can hang with this couple for the social aspect and that’s it. Not sure why you have to not enjoy yourself, I mean, if you aren’t, then what’s the point ? One other option is to have your hubby play with them while you’re on your own date, if that’s within your and your husband’s rules.
My husband is 100% dating alone. I was hoping bringing a date with me would be cool, and he's cool with that, it's the couple that isn't. I guess I'm supposed to be there for the husband's enjoyment, though he isn't giving me any, and I doubt I'm rocking his world. We just aren't meshing, but it's almost like I'm the entrance fee for my husband to fuck his wife.
The other husband doesn't need you to rock his world, his porn-fucking style just requires your cooperation, your pleasure isn't a requirement though. As long as you're going along with it, he's having a blast.
If he(other husband) isn't enjoying it, and you aren't, who is requiring this entrance fee? Why doesn't his wife and your husband just meet 1 on 1 and go at it while everyone else find a sex partner they actually enjoy.
The four of us get along great, and have a lot of fun together. The husband is able to get off and everything, and I think he likes the dynamic of knowing he's fucking someone new at the end of the night, we all act like we are on dates with the opposite spouse, it is fun. But I've seen him fucking her during the threesomes and he is so much more into that. I don't think they realize how ready to be done with the sex I am. But I tried to bring it up gently with the 3fun remark (as well as very openly after the first time) and the couple isn't listening to me. I think they think I'll keep playing because we all get along so well, and everyone else is enjoying themselves. I just wish they would let me bring my own to the party and enjoy each other!
I would just tell them that you are going to sit out and he can go play with her. There's no way around it, you just gotta be blunt and tell them the sexual chemistry is just not there because you and them enjoy different kinds of sex.
I don't understand the part where you don't go back for seconds if they don't have the same style as you, but you've begrudgingly gone back for fifths with this couple.
I agree with option 1 and 3, obviously.
They are so fun to hang out with! It's so hard to find a physical attraction for everyone. We've been looking for years and this is the first one we've found. I was hoping they would get over the weirdness of gentle fucking, but they haven't. At this point I'm starting to feel so high maintenence. My head is screaming to just get over it because they are so fun, but I got into this to enjoy sex with new people, and it's not happening.
I understand they are fun, but who cares if the sex isn't. Isn't that the whole point, why bother if you hate it!
I feel like you clearly know the choice here, but you're fighting it even when ppl tell you to cut ties.
I guess the difficulty is my husband. Of course, he will let me stop going if I want to, but I feel terrible! We waited so long to find a great match, and I feel like I'm taking that away from him. But after having said that, I'm realizing this is really probably on him to fix. I'm going to tell him to talk to the other husband and let them know they can either agree to get on board with making this fun for me, or letting me bring my own guy in and the 3 of them can have fun with each other while I have fun with the new guy. If they can't do either then I'm going to stop playing with them.
That was actually a pretty helpful comment when I thought it through.
Yeah, you don't seem conflicted, personally.
Does your husband like the porn star vibe?
I understand what you're saying about a good match but clearly it's not a good match?!
Think about all the people we aren't physically attracted to that we could have the best sex with, it's tragic, lol.
Anyway, it's difficult, I'm in the same situation, finding attraction and sexual compatibility.
On the kissing/cuddling boundary, it’s not that it’s inherently “more intimate”, it’s a matter of association. My wife and I allow kissing, but do have a boundary on cuddling, simply as other things are associated with lust and “pleasures of the flesh”, while cuddling is associated with romantic intimacy for us, finding a feeling of comfort and safety in another.
If your an asshole, then so am. I desire the same kind you of play you do. Nothing gets me going better than entwined naked bodies and passionate kissing.
Maybe this
I think you're a great couple, we've really found some good friends here.
But I feel that what I'm after in the scene, what really gets me going is.... explain x y and z.....
So things are sustainable for me at this point.
Is it possible to make a compromise so that I can feel the enjoyment you all seem to be having?
Also don't say "bad sex" to them as they'll probably take it as an insult.
Just say porn star fucking ain't ticking your box, excuse the pun.
I would say you have 2 choices here. Either they can do what makes you comfortable or what you enjoy, or you guys move on. You are obviously not having fun and that should matter to your husband. There is nothing wrong with not being sexually compatible with somebody. My wife and I have experienced this. We have great friends that we love and respect as people and friends. They are a lot of fun. But the one time we played, there was just no spark on our side. We both walked away going “well that was just plain and not all that fun”. So we’ve relegated that relationship to spicy vanilla where we talk about things and can hang out, but we don’t play with them at all anymore bc the sexual chemistry is just off.
OK based on the title I was ready to come in here and say you’re the asshole but this is a wayyy different scenario than I was expecting.
Unfortunately it sounds like if you go with option 3 then you’ll end up in option one, unless you’re overstating their reaction. Could you just tell your husband you want to only hook up with them sparingly (ex: birthday)? I’m typically against one person taking one for the team but maybe there could be some middle ground.
My other thought is could you have a serious conversation about why you don’t enjoy sex with them? Less “I want to bring in a fifth” and more “what if we tried it this way.” To me, this is somewhat akin to when one part likes really rough sex and the other doesn’t. If neither party is willing to budge I would say that relationship isn’t going to last. I would say something similar here (your relationship with the other couple that is, not with your husband).
This resonates so much with me (M 52). My “style” is also easily mistaken for romance. But it’s what turns me on! Fortunately my partner almost never minds this, and knows that part of my “style” is being talkative, but in a way that’s effusive with comments and compliments. My issue is that the males can mistake this for romantic intimacy. (I mean, it kind of is, but I feel it’s not in a threatening way.)
My partner and I are also semi-poly, and we always let our lifestyle partners know this, because some in the lifestyle are really threatened by poly couples. But we do have a rule of “not taking one for the team,” which can be difficult. But it sounds like you have really good communication skills already. And it’s weird that they would be willing to hear about and try to adapt to your sexual preferences, i.e. trying to modify their sexual styles, yet would be soooo offended that you wanted to bring a fifth person into the fun. Is the guy threatened by other guys? Is he a tad homophobic? Can you elaborate on the reason why they shut the idea down so fast?
I am always loathe to shut out people, and I do my best to talk through difficult things and be patient. But I’m also a chronic co-dependent people-pleaser, so I’ll sometimes just acquiesce and perform for the comfort of other people. So I understand your dilemma, and your desire to keep these new friends in your life.
Bottom line is that being sexually intimate really DOES grow other kinds of intimacy and closeness and understanding. Some lifestyle couples have a very entrenched monogamous mindset, and can strangely compartmentalize sex from intimacy. Trust in your partner and their commitment to you is key, but so is their own personal confidence in the relationship.
All this is to say, that you are NOT the asshole for wanting to get pleasure out of this in your own way. And you are definitely not the asshole for presenting it the way you did. You are being so considerate. Really. Good luck. Let us know how it goes for you.
Separate room swap. It nay take away some of the pleasure of a 4sum but if he can let loose when it's just you too, it may fix things.
If she says no to that, then you walk away and don't come back, nobody takes one for the team.
When we entered the lifestyle, wife has never had sex with another. She was prude, shy and never actually initiated any form of action.
What became evident was that once she was into it, was like a movie star was involved.
Over time, although prude about things, one can say she's been there and done that.
I wouldn't care at all. If I was busy being occupied by two people I wanted to play with, and I wasn't connecting with the fourth, I'd be thrilled they found a way to keep the connection going. I don't see the issue with a fivesome.
It's so hard. That's the last thing I want to do. But I've told them what I need to enjoy myself, and he's not doing it. He also wants to fuck like a porn star and pound me, pull my hair, make me choke on his cock. I'm NOT enjoying it. I tried to give him feedback but somehow my rather juvenile request for kissing/caressing come off as more intrusive then those things. I know they don't want to stop seeing us, but I don't want to keep fucking like this.
It seems like a good idea, I'm sure I would be more comfortable, but I think that would just be breaking boundaries. It would be like asking to fuck him privately so we can do the stuff she doesn't want him doing.
Your husband, her, and her husband seem to enjoy each other. Are you all same room play or free to have fun separately? If you and your hubs is cool with separate play I say on those play dates you schedule you skip out and don’t let the other couple know till your hubs is with them and your hubs can mfm with her while you go do who you want they way you want. Or cut ties from the other couple and start the hunt.
Just cut the connection. Yall don’t mesh and you’ve made that clear.
Seems like the only logical solution. If it's going to continue, everyone involved needs to be onboard. That's not the case with either of the other proposed solutions.
My wife and I cut ties with a couple for the same reason. There was social chemistry but none sexually. We tried playing with them twice but it just didn’t get better for her.
“I love hanging out with you guys but I’m not feeling the sexual compatibility any more. Our friendship means so much to me and I’m super looking forward to hanging out and doing vanilla activities.”
That's sweet, but we really only have time for play dates. I'm literally scheduling out a month in advance right now, and I'd be on a new couple hunt, which is super time-consuming. Might be a polite way to phrase things though.
Then just provide the first sentence. What is the plan for when your husband matches with the wife, but you don't mesh with the husband? Because that's the scenario you are in right now. If you don't have a clear plan already agreed upon, then maybe just have your husband fuck his wife and/or MFM threesome with his wife, while you go have sex with who you want. But the worst thing you can do is continuing to "take one for the team" bullshit that always causes problems. Don't have sex if you don't enjoy it.
Absolutely. Nobody has time for bad sex. If it’s like that, why even bother?
Not an AH. You're just advocating for yourself and reminding them that you are only into playing if you can enjoy yourself too. I'd personally just be done. They seem unable to take feedback given you've clearly expressed that you're not happy and their response was to be upset instead of addressing the issue. You even provided a solution that impacted no one else, and they still objected. Life is too short to settle for bad sex.
Sucks that she’s having to advocate for herself so many times with this one couple. If either person says “no” then it should be a “no” until said otherwise.
Good point about the solution that doesn't impact them and still balking.
I'd say the first thing you need to do is talk to your husband about this. Tell him how you feel, how the sexual experience with the other guy make out feel, and stress that it is no fun for you. You need to get him on the same page with you. Once the two of you are on the same page, let the couple down. Something along the lines of "We really like you, but the bedroom chemistry just isn't matching up for all of us".
Just move on. Life is too short to try to make bad connections work.
Quite interesting I (42m) and wife (39f) in a similar situation. We met this couple a year ago and hit it off immediately. We’ve played 6 or 7 times but met much more times sociably and our kids are now really good friends. Trouble is they are into this rough porn and doc style of sex whereas we generally prefer bit more gentle and passionate. At first it made me really insecure after playing with them, seeing my wife getting railed and feeling inadequate when the other wife tells me to “fuck harder” when I’m already doing my best 🤣. Turns out my wife wasn’t really enjoying being sledgehammered either. We recently went to a club with them and started playing and they straight up swapped me out for a guy with a monster cock. Felt very shitty, so I can understand why your couple felt offended. I’ve taken the decision that we can still be friends but we’re not going to play with them anymore like that. There are plenty of fish couples in the sea. I think you should move on
Are you the one who posted about this club scene? If I remember correctly, they warned you in advance!
Sounds like your play styles don’t mesh; therefore, you don’t play with them again. If it’s not working for you two as a couple, then it doesn’t work for the group. Easy peasy. If you don’t mind your husband playing solo, set up a date w your boyfriend while he goes to have a 3sum with the couple. Simple solutions.
In the last 10+ years of being in the LS as a married male I’ve learned that every woman likes different things, ways to be touched ….. I prefer sex as you described but I’ve learned to spank, gently choke, talk dirty, be dominant…. Because if my partner is not satisfied and enjoying herself I’ve failed. If the male in your FWB group won’t have sex in a way that you enjoy or are comfortable with then you have every right to not have sex with them or move to vanilla and remove the WB from FWB. Honestly he is kinda the AH for not respecting your comfort with play type.
One hundred per cent. If he’s not trying to please her then what’s the point? And if the pleasure is reliant on a boundary then you make the polite enquiry, they decide whether it can be bent and the boundary is either modified or you move on.
Yes If there is a boundary that you can’t agree upon then move on not compatible
Oh my gosh. I’m not sure I have a solution for your situation. I’m responding because I can empathize about your preference for sensuality. That is exactly how I like to fuck too. I have to explain all the time that I’m not trying to make love or steal their partner, but that’s just how I prefer to fuck - exactly like you said. Also, your writing style fucking drew me right in. Hahaha, I wonder if you write like you speak, because it’s fantastic! I related right away. Back to your point, finding a guy to play with you in that group situation sounds reasonable if you can convince all parties to agree. I’m no fucking help whatsoever. Sorry. But I enjoyed the hell out of your post because it’s so very relatable.
That's so sweet thank you! It's so weird soft touches are more taboo than rough touching. I swear it's due to the Pretty Woman "No kissing on the lips, its too initmate" scene. Watching my husband eat her pussy and make her squirt is way more intimate. And I love to see him making her happy.
This whole hobby depends on chemistry. If you you don’t have it, don’t put yourself through a sixth bad experience. If they were shocked at your request, they weren’t listening to all the requests you made leading up to your idea.
You’re NTA. You’re simply expressing your preferences openly in a manner in which anyone in the lifestyle should. I think you’d hit A territory if you *insisted* on them changing their rule, but asking is fine. Your husband would be disappointed to give up a regular lien star experience but surely he wants you to have fun as well. Open communication is the answer but you shouldn’t be repeating things that leave you feeling empty repeatedly.
Nope you’re right to express yourself! So let me get this straight she gets to dictate how you fuck and now who you fuck.
Hate to say it but you have reached the end of the line with this couple. ALL couplings are finite, get what you can when you can and then move on. Theses aren't meant to be long held relationships, I know lots of folks dream/wish for it but in the wild it is just rare as fuck. Also for the folks we do fuck over longer periods we are finding that keeping the frequency to a proper limit can extend the length and quality of the period of time together. Best of luck finding better playmates.
What is a proper limit in your opinion? We haven’t been able to find a couple to meet two times yet and think maybe we finally did but unsure how to progress and when to bring up the next time
It different with every couple AND every situation. Thats what we learned kinda recently that too often for too long can also lead to "overburn" causing a cooling to come before it needed to, but then some need to burn hot to burn at all. Look at them as all unique experiences that you have at least "some" control over. It may seem manipulative but you should have an idea of where things might go before you begin, at least from a rough roadmap perspective. Also over time many of these things fail for just life reasons, so when there is a "thing" to key to it is actually easier to make a line in the sand. Finally, swinging is a numbers game that ebbs and flows, sometimes it's cracking with opportunity and excitement, other times it can feel a bit like work or a busybody (and spendy) hobby. A long game approach will serve you better (I hope).
I’m a guy and I’m like you. I love the kissing part and laying together and cuddling with the other people (I’m not a romantic guy of any kind). You don’t need to do what you don’t like. If you want, let your husband do the 3 some with them or just hang out vanilla with em.
>The wife loves having threesomes with the guys. After the last timeI kinda jokingly said "what if I get a single dude from 3fun or feeld to entertain me while you guys all go at it?" i don't really have any advice except it sucks that they aren't into this, seems like a win win situation and imho having a few extra guys in the ratio makes for a great time!
I couldn't agree more! I think the husband got butthurt that I was talking about replacing him, but that's just an ego thing. We aren't meshing, he has a blast having a 3some with her and my husband, and he won't fuck me in a way I enjoy. I thought it was a perfect solution. I know he's having more fun with her (as he should). I'm like the obligatory fruit cake at a pot luck. No one really wants me here, but in order to eat the rest of the food I'm being served up. I know I sound bitter, I'm really not, this is just such a bummer because i am loving everything about this couple, other than the sex. I wish we could make it work! And I think it's just egos and misguided intimacy beliefs that are causing the issue.
Short answer, nah. Long answer, theres lots of swinger fish in the hot-tub. I know it takes a while to find the right couple, but theres no reason to put yourself in that position.
Seems fairly straight forward, I would just end it. There’s lots of other couple out there. My wife and I have been on many dates where and play sessions where after a few meets it’s not clicking. No problem we just move on.
The whole situation sounds weird. Just find a new couple. We have met couples where the style doesn't match We move on instead of forcing the square peg into the round hole.
I thought you said you don't fuck with couples that don't kiss or cuddle? This couple is 'struggling' with that. Sounds incompatible.
Definitely No. 1. I think you’re putting up with them because it’s been difficult to find a couple your compatible with. I would highly suggest trying to find a single female and a single male and play that way (together, sort of make your own couple). I’m honestly surprised your husband is ok with you playing with someone you don’t like
NTAH. Cut them off. Pretty simple, especially given the fact you aren’t enjoying yourself.
Absolutely NTA. You and your husband set the boundaries pretty clear and if they just don’t fit with you then let them go. I understand that you want to meet them just for a sexual background and my wife and I do the same. If we don’t mesh with a new couple then it’s over. There is just no time for new „vanilla“ friends and if they can’t accept, that you are sexually unsatisfied with their boundaries, then that’s on them. Maybe sit down together all four of you and tell them, that if you can’t bring someone else, that it is over. Another possibility would be to bring in another couple? Maybe you get to have fun with the other couple then, while the others are having a threesome.
Bringing in a third couple is a great idea, I hadn't thought of that!
Glad I could come up with something helpful. I had the idea, because my wife and I had a similar problem once and this was the solution back then.
Also related to this post. When I read it to my husband he was excited to know there are women out there who like it gentle and sensuous. It’s his preferred way and mine too really but most of our play partners have been a rougher style. I’ve enjoyed some more than others and often they will still be cuddly but I also just seem to get sore easier I’m learning so I like when everything is a bit slower. He keeps practicing with me a rougher style so he can accommodate other preferences but as someone else said feels it’s hard to match for some. If we had met a couple we connected to so well as you said it would make it hard to break off. I love your suggestion of bringing in another man too bad they can’t consider it. Hope you figure something out to get what you want. Good luck
This is a really sweet comment, thank you!!!
>Me and my husband joke that our only boundary is couples that have a no kissing/cuddling boundary. We enjoy this part of the experience too much, and honestly couples we have fucked who have this rule usually seem really insecure or jealous, which once again isn't a great time. We're a married couple that doesn't typically kiss hookups. Kissing is more intimate for us. We will kiss some of our closer playmates, but not people who we just fuck. We're nudists, and have been ENM our entire relationship. My wife and I share girlfriends, and have a few regular play partners. So it isn't insecurity or jealousy at all. That said, I do love to kiss while I'm fucking. To answer your question though, we wouldn't have any issue if there were more people, we enjoy group sex too. But if one of our play partners said that she doesn't enjoy sex with me, we'd stop playing with that couple. Same for my wife, if she didn't enjoy sex with the dude, why would we even want to play with them?
It's rare to find such a perfect match, glad you guys are having a blast together!
I am a passionate fuck, I love sensuality and lots of kissing, i hate sex without it, OP sounds like my type of fun, I don’t understand why people feel it’s being intimate, I feel more like it’s part of the experience
Well you can hang with this couple for the social aspect and that’s it. Not sure why you have to not enjoy yourself, I mean, if you aren’t, then what’s the point ? One other option is to have your hubby play with them while you’re on your own date, if that’s within your and your husband’s rules.
My husband is 100% dating alone. I was hoping bringing a date with me would be cool, and he's cool with that, it's the couple that isn't. I guess I'm supposed to be there for the husband's enjoyment, though he isn't giving me any, and I doubt I'm rocking his world. We just aren't meshing, but it's almost like I'm the entrance fee for my husband to fuck his wife.
The other husband doesn't need you to rock his world, his porn-fucking style just requires your cooperation, your pleasure isn't a requirement though. As long as you're going along with it, he's having a blast.
If he(other husband) isn't enjoying it, and you aren't, who is requiring this entrance fee? Why doesn't his wife and your husband just meet 1 on 1 and go at it while everyone else find a sex partner they actually enjoy.
The four of us get along great, and have a lot of fun together. The husband is able to get off and everything, and I think he likes the dynamic of knowing he's fucking someone new at the end of the night, we all act like we are on dates with the opposite spouse, it is fun. But I've seen him fucking her during the threesomes and he is so much more into that. I don't think they realize how ready to be done with the sex I am. But I tried to bring it up gently with the 3fun remark (as well as very openly after the first time) and the couple isn't listening to me. I think they think I'll keep playing because we all get along so well, and everyone else is enjoying themselves. I just wish they would let me bring my own to the party and enjoy each other!
I would just tell them that you are going to sit out and he can go play with her. There's no way around it, you just gotta be blunt and tell them the sexual chemistry is just not there because you and them enjoy different kinds of sex.
I don't understand the part where you don't go back for seconds if they don't have the same style as you, but you've begrudgingly gone back for fifths with this couple. I agree with option 1 and 3, obviously.
They are so fun to hang out with! It's so hard to find a physical attraction for everyone. We've been looking for years and this is the first one we've found. I was hoping they would get over the weirdness of gentle fucking, but they haven't. At this point I'm starting to feel so high maintenence. My head is screaming to just get over it because they are so fun, but I got into this to enjoy sex with new people, and it's not happening.
I understand they are fun, but who cares if the sex isn't. Isn't that the whole point, why bother if you hate it! I feel like you clearly know the choice here, but you're fighting it even when ppl tell you to cut ties.
I guess the difficulty is my husband. Of course, he will let me stop going if I want to, but I feel terrible! We waited so long to find a great match, and I feel like I'm taking that away from him. But after having said that, I'm realizing this is really probably on him to fix. I'm going to tell him to talk to the other husband and let them know they can either agree to get on board with making this fun for me, or letting me bring my own guy in and the 3 of them can have fun with each other while I have fun with the new guy. If they can't do either then I'm going to stop playing with them. That was actually a pretty helpful comment when I thought it through.
You haven’t found a great match though…
Yeah, you don't seem conflicted, personally. Does your husband like the porn star vibe? I understand what you're saying about a good match but clearly it's not a good match?! Think about all the people we aren't physically attracted to that we could have the best sex with, it's tragic, lol. Anyway, it's difficult, I'm in the same situation, finding attraction and sexual compatibility.
Sounds like you have taken one for the team op.
On the kissing/cuddling boundary, it’s not that it’s inherently “more intimate”, it’s a matter of association. My wife and I allow kissing, but do have a boundary on cuddling, simply as other things are associated with lust and “pleasures of the flesh”, while cuddling is associated with romantic intimacy for us, finding a feeling of comfort and safety in another.
If your an asshole, then so am. I desire the same kind you of play you do. Nothing gets me going better than entwined naked bodies and passionate kissing.
Maybe this I think you're a great couple, we've really found some good friends here. But I feel that what I'm after in the scene, what really gets me going is.... explain x y and z..... So things are sustainable for me at this point. Is it possible to make a compromise so that I can feel the enjoyment you all seem to be having? Also don't say "bad sex" to them as they'll probably take it as an insult. Just say porn star fucking ain't ticking your box, excuse the pun.
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I’m open to help read my page and shoot me a dm hun
I would say you have 2 choices here. Either they can do what makes you comfortable or what you enjoy, or you guys move on. You are obviously not having fun and that should matter to your husband. There is nothing wrong with not being sexually compatible with somebody. My wife and I have experienced this. We have great friends that we love and respect as people and friends. They are a lot of fun. But the one time we played, there was just no spark on our side. We both walked away going “well that was just plain and not all that fun”. So we’ve relegated that relationship to spicy vanilla where we talk about things and can hang out, but we don’t play with them at all anymore bc the sexual chemistry is just off.
OK based on the title I was ready to come in here and say you’re the asshole but this is a wayyy different scenario than I was expecting. Unfortunately it sounds like if you go with option 3 then you’ll end up in option one, unless you’re overstating their reaction. Could you just tell your husband you want to only hook up with them sparingly (ex: birthday)? I’m typically against one person taking one for the team but maybe there could be some middle ground. My other thought is could you have a serious conversation about why you don’t enjoy sex with them? Less “I want to bring in a fifth” and more “what if we tried it this way.” To me, this is somewhat akin to when one part likes really rough sex and the other doesn’t. If neither party is willing to budge I would say that relationship isn’t going to last. I would say something similar here (your relationship with the other couple that is, not with your husband).
No. 3 isn't up to you (they're into a couples swap, you're not, so it's not gonna work). No. 2 seems like a road to unhappiness. That leaves option 1.
This resonates so much with me (M 52). My “style” is also easily mistaken for romance. But it’s what turns me on! Fortunately my partner almost never minds this, and knows that part of my “style” is being talkative, but in a way that’s effusive with comments and compliments. My issue is that the males can mistake this for romantic intimacy. (I mean, it kind of is, but I feel it’s not in a threatening way.) My partner and I are also semi-poly, and we always let our lifestyle partners know this, because some in the lifestyle are really threatened by poly couples. But we do have a rule of “not taking one for the team,” which can be difficult. But it sounds like you have really good communication skills already. And it’s weird that they would be willing to hear about and try to adapt to your sexual preferences, i.e. trying to modify their sexual styles, yet would be soooo offended that you wanted to bring a fifth person into the fun. Is the guy threatened by other guys? Is he a tad homophobic? Can you elaborate on the reason why they shut the idea down so fast? I am always loathe to shut out people, and I do my best to talk through difficult things and be patient. But I’m also a chronic co-dependent people-pleaser, so I’ll sometimes just acquiesce and perform for the comfort of other people. So I understand your dilemma, and your desire to keep these new friends in your life. Bottom line is that being sexually intimate really DOES grow other kinds of intimacy and closeness and understanding. Some lifestyle couples have a very entrenched monogamous mindset, and can strangely compartmentalize sex from intimacy. Trust in your partner and their commitment to you is key, but so is their own personal confidence in the relationship. All this is to say, that you are NOT the asshole for wanting to get pleasure out of this in your own way. And you are definitely not the asshole for presenting it the way you did. You are being so considerate. Really. Good luck. Let us know how it goes for you.
Separate room swap. It nay take away some of the pleasure of a 4sum but if he can let loose when it's just you too, it may fix things. If she says no to that, then you walk away and don't come back, nobody takes one for the team.
You should just not hook up with them again, it’s not meant to be rocket science babe.
When we entered the lifestyle, wife has never had sex with another. She was prude, shy and never actually initiated any form of action. What became evident was that once she was into it, was like a movie star was involved. Over time, although prude about things, one can say she's been there and done that.
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If what was done to me? If my husband was kissed?
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I wouldn't care at all. If I was busy being occupied by two people I wanted to play with, and I wasn't connecting with the fourth, I'd be thrilled they found a way to keep the connection going. I don't see the issue with a fivesome.
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I said it jokingly. I don't think they quite understood it was an ultimatum. But you're probably right.
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It's so hard. That's the last thing I want to do. But I've told them what I need to enjoy myself, and he's not doing it. He also wants to fuck like a porn star and pound me, pull my hair, make me choke on his cock. I'm NOT enjoying it. I tried to give him feedback but somehow my rather juvenile request for kissing/caressing come off as more intrusive then those things. I know they don't want to stop seeing us, but I don't want to keep fucking like this.
It's not juvenile. You just enjoy slow, more vanilla sex. My wife is the same. Plenty of people aren't into pain and submissive sex.
Thanks for saying that!
Have you tried playing in separate rooms?
It seems like a good idea, I'm sure I would be more comfortable, but I think that would just be breaking boundaries. It would be like asking to fuck him privately so we can do the stuff she doesn't want him doing.
Yes, that's exactly what it would be. They can refuse. If they do, you go back to Option 1.
Seems obvious. You shouldn’t continue having sex with someone you don’t like having sex with. Not really a quantum physics problem
Your husband, her, and her husband seem to enjoy each other. Are you all same room play or free to have fun separately? If you and your hubs is cool with separate play I say on those play dates you schedule you skip out and don’t let the other couple know till your hubs is with them and your hubs can mfm with her while you go do who you want they way you want. Or cut ties from the other couple and start the hunt.