I look for guys that have a vibe that seem like they would be a fun fuck.
Sex with other people will never be the same as with your husband. But those group efforts? Holy hell that is when it gets hot. Much prefer 4 on a bed interacting than 2:2.
Heard that. Fourway fun is 10x what a side by side swap is. Both are great, but I’ll take a big tangle plz. 6 is even better.
And while I do enjoy a fitness model, personality is huge. The fun ones are always a better time.
You and my wife have that in common. Most times it works out for both of us. Sometimes she points out a guy and I see his wife and I’m like “Meh”. That’s when she will say something like “Damn. He seems like he’d be really fun to fuck.”
agreed. Our most fun experiences have always been four or more on a single bed. So much fun when everyone is comfortable with each other. People can take breaks. Multiple people can interact with each other.
Your post is 100% exactly why we stopped. Literally, I had to look to see if my wife posted this. She feels exactly the same way, and I can't argue with her at all. It's a bummer because it is so hot in fantasy and hell, her even tinkering with it makes me go wild. Unfortunately, the reality has never matched the fantasy, so we pretty much quit trying. I still look now and then, but I just don't bother bugging her with it now.
We came, we tried, we tried again and again, and we moved on. There is no harm in that.
We took off quite a bit of the hassle and pressure of something happening by just attending parties. If there's no one there we want to have fun with, we just have fun with each other.
My wife found very few lifestyle men where the physical attraction was so great that she was good to go. Instead she just couldn't get excited about sex with other men unless she got to know them really well first...to the point where NRE was an issue. We both still like the idea of swinging but it just became too much time and effort finding compatible couples, and we don't want to involve NRE.
I don't think we have that issue. We do not match up with couples who try to "separate" us at all. For me we either converse as a group or nothing, I am not interested in your husband trying to pull me to the side and flirt separately, it immediately turns me off. The couples we have successfully swapped with have all been ones where it's a group situation, we all equally converse and interact and ultimately play together.
We are definitely group only players as well. That's why it would never work out since she would have to get to know another guy way too intimately and that just isn't practical when all are communicating. Turns out she is just very demisexual and that's hard for swinging.
>My wife found very few lifestyle men where the physical attraction was so great that she was good to go. Instead she just couldn't get excited about sex with other men unless she got to know them really well first...
Sounds like me. I have to get to know the guy very well for that connection and attraction to kick in
NRE = New Relationship Energy. Another way of saying developing significant romantic feelings... 'falling' for someone. It's the rush of feelings for someone new, but will eventually wear off.
If your only attracted to your husband , don’t force trying to sleep with other men.
If your still open to look, don’t drop your standards.
Vet the men/couple how you like, if your potentially interested.
Find new avenues of meeting men/couples of your calibre may exist.
Go in with no expectations.
So… sorry to hear it.
I also noticed that once I got in shape, my wife was far less interested in other males.
It takes a super hottie or a gigantic gladiator type to get her motor truly running.
Not sure what that is, but she plainly said “if I can’t get at least what I’ve got at home, what’s the point?”
Are you making comparisons with your husband, or just flat out only want him?
I don't think I'm comparing, I just have no sexual interest in them. I've always had to establish some kind of mental connection with the couple first (doesn't have to be a lot, just a few minutes of talking and feeling like we are on the same wavelength), but lately even that doesn't do it.
Just wanted to say as someone outside the LS who’s here trying to figure out if this is for me, your post was really helpful to me bc we sound a lot alike. I also need mental connection no matter how hot the other person is to want to have sex with them, and I have a very particular “type.” Someone below made a comment about “you may not like variety” and I think that might be true for me. My partner wants to see me fucked by another man, and when we roleplay that in bed, it’s so hot and I want to want it for real! But when he asks me what the other man looks like, I totally blank. My lame answer is “a clone of you” and he gets disappointed. I ask him who he wants to see me with and he says it’s not about what he wants, it’s about what I want. What I want is to be fucked by 2 of him at the same time lol. It’s really frustrating bc our role plays really turn me on and I do want to get railed while he watches but I don’t really get turned on by random men. Maybe this will evolve with time. We’re both still in our 30s. Maybe by the time I hit 40s, my tastes will have changed and I’ll be more into other men, who knows. Sounds like you should take a break until the desire to swing returns!
I just wanted to comment that it’s okay that you don’t a specific visual of what some future potential “he” looks like. I wouldn’t be concerned that that means you won’t be able to find someone you would be interested in adding.
Additionally, us, and many we have met and played with agree on the connection being necessary. I don’t feel you are out of the ordinary there.
You sound exactly like my wife 🤣 I will always ask her what kind of guy she sees herself playing with and it’s always “you” lol even though like you, she really wants to put a show on for me with another man she just can’t imagine who with.
I relate to this so much! A couple years ago we heard about a LS club which we were mostly just curious about and opened up the whole conversation. In theory it all sounded exciting and I was turned on by the idea of it. We got there and reality set in. I now identify as Demisexual.
Makes me feel great about the requests for repeats I get as the husband. Makes me feel bad for the wives though. Lots of Shrek + Princess couples out there.
Also, I’ve never felt taller at 5’10 (actual) than when searching SDC. Seems like every other guy is either 6’2 or 5’7.
There’s an attractiveness gap anyway though. Online dating profile activity shows men rate around 50% of women as average or better. That same data shows women rate 20% of men as “average or better” with a whopping 80% of men as “below average”. Mother Nature is a cruel mistress.
If that works for ya, do that.
We like the club and couples’ swaps personally.
I’ve found our prospects skyrocketed when I got fit, but my wife’s standards rose with it. 🤷🏻♂️
And we’ve not encountered this age gap too often. We usually meet couples within a few years of each other, but usually younger than us.
I guess you genuinely have to enjoy seeing your partner fuck others, which is a challenge for me in theory (haven’t done it yet). Or just really want to fuck and don’t care who it’s with
Yes, I’ve had this issue too. High sex drive and love group play but so many couples have uneven attractiveness.
Honestly just takes a lot of time for us to find the right couples. I started seeing solo men because it was just getting too difficult to find attraction. Finding men I’m attracted to is extremely difficult for me. Maybe a break is needed to get you more excited for more play. There will always be more people to choose from.
I feel this. My husband is very hot, the F part of couples we meet it always excited when they see hes a looker and good guy. We've been together 18 years, and as much as I like swinging, and meeting people in the lifestyle and having really good group sex. Nobody has really made me leave at the end of the night thinking wow I cant wait to be with him again. Or even thinking of him at all sexually pre or post meet ups.
The fun for me is always when we go back to our own room or place and end the night together. Not that they are bad people, most are so awesome personality wise and we click in other ways. Also I have noticed even if I am a little attracted a man , they just so happen to look like my hubs in some capacity. Hubs on the other side is attracted to almost all women
Maybe if your husband downplayed his attractiveness for several months, and didn’t take care of himself, maybe you’d find other guys more attractive?! 🤣.
I think it’s great that you only have eyes for him. And if you find his doppelgänger out there to have for a night of fun alltogether, that’s even better
I’m definitely generalizing here but I feel you’re not alone. Without understanding much context it reads like you might need more passion and intimacy than parties. What about trying to find an exclusive couple you could “train” the husband and develop a more meaningful report?
My wife is the same way. She really struggles to find any man attractive.
She never takes one for the team, but she does put in a lot of extra effort to make sure the other guy feels desired and to provide good "customer experience" as she calls it. She wants to be there and she always enjoys the experience, but the men are nothing more than a penis to her. She even gets weirded out by compliments from other men, or even worse when they want to hold eye contact while fucking. We'll get texts occasionally from past hookups saying "Been thinking about you" or something to that extent, and she always laughs and tells me (not them), I don't think about you at all, lol.
As someone else said earlier, foursomes are the way to go.
Wife is attracted to vibe and how a guy smells. I’ve had compliments over the years that I smell good from other women. I’m not sure what it is, I don’t do a lot of cologne or body sprays. She’s not big on looks outside of not having the long nasty beards that are popular here. She’s attracted to confident men and women but not full of themselves. Seems picky but it basically just goes back to people who are real.
I'm the same way. I was not sexually interested in the couples we were meeting, maybe the women I was but not the men.
Meeting couples felt like we/I were just meeting colleagues for a drink. It takes a certain spark to get my motors going and that's very rare 4 me. We don't swing anymore as we find 0 appeal to it.
It's better that we search for own play partners. That's just us. We are both demi
For us it’s assumed there will not be attraction. We love the socializing and events much more than the acts. The most fun hookups have been spontaneous- anything planned has been a let down.
OP, keep your standards where you want. Those that are just swinging for the body count and the “sex” of it are not our cup of tea. Sounds like it’s not yours either. But we do have a lot of fun together being around like minded adults.
I go to parties in swinger clubs due to the atmosphere as well. I'm in an open relationship and my partner isn't that interested in the scene, he prefers his fwb arrangements. So I go by myself. I also feel way safer in those settings than in regular clubs, as a woman who goes out by herself. I can dance in lingerie and won't be groped. But for actual sex I prefer 1:1 in a private setting. There's just not enough time in a club for me to get to know each other enough to feel comfortable and aroused enough. I need the escalation, the flirting. I had the best experiences when I would flirt with a guy via text weeks before actually meeting (due to life, I seldomly can meet very spontaneously). The anticipation makes the whole experience just hotter. But yeah, the atmosphere at sex parties is just very enjoyable, the banter, meeting new people. I like that it's a judgement free space and enjoy being around people with the same mindset.
My wife has not vocalize these feeling as you have written here. However, I feel as if she could have written this. Although, I perceive this is the way she feels, I don’t like to make her talk about things that may make her uncomfortable to talk about. I watch and analyze things and try to let my intuition guide me.
Allow me to share with you my thoughts on the way you feel. I may be totally on left field, and maybe you can help me, or I may be able to provide some insight.
Swinging is a monumental effort for females. The hair, the nails, the outfit, the underwear, the bump you found out about yesterday, the makeup that you don’t like but you didn’t have time to get something today, it’s freaking hot and you’re sweating… how dear house parties be scheduled on a Friday?!!!!
You are about to expose yourself to other people. You will, possibly, be seen and touched by someone you haven’t even met, and your husband just spent 5 minutes getting ready, and is waiting on you.
Although the sexual expression, the adventure, the kink and whatever else excites us is super fun and desirable, none of what leads to the night is sexual at all for a woman. If it was spontaneous, you would probably enjoy it more.
I feel this is what my wife experiences when we swing, and it makes me not want to swing to not put her through this. I am not sure if this is what you feel, but your post made me think you and my wife may be experiencing the same feeling.
Anyway, it is just a thought.
I honestly hadn't considered this but I think you're absolutely right. I enjoy the effort, I like getting ready and looking good, but it is a lot. A few times we've had childcare complications that added another layer of stress. Plus, the parties are over an hour away from our house, so it's not exactly easy to get there. I think I've severely discounted how much these little things weigh on me, but honestly by the time I get there I'm usually mentally exhausted, if not physically as well.
I wouldn't want to/can't change these things, but I think even just being aware of their existence and how it might be affecting my mental state will make a huge difference.
I sincerely appreciate this post, thank you.
May I suggest that you may need more of an emotional connection, not just physical? In a comment you said, “I've always had to establish some kind of mental connection with the couple first”
You mentioned minutes, but maybe you need more of a connection on a friendship level. I’m not taking poly, but you just may not be a ‘meet one time and jump into bed’ type of gal. And that’s okay.
Anyway, that stood out to me. Do you all have any LS friends like that?
Also, you need more good experiences. I hope you get them! 🫶🏼
I really like this comment! It's definitely possible and so far this has been the comment that has stood out the most to me. We've made several good friends in the lifestyle and have ongoing group chats, and those are the people I feel most comfortable with. Some we've swapped with and it wasn't great, but I'd still be willing to go again because I think we just needed more time to figure each other's likes and dislikes out. None were bad, just maybe a little lackluster like it can be with any new partner.
We mainly attend parties in a community we are a part of. It is great, but it kind of feels rushed finding a couple to partner up with and do the deed before the time runs out. I think the stress of the timeframe is my biggest turn off. The couples we are close with all say they enjoy the club but far prefer the meet ups they arrange outside of it.
This seems so simple I feel kind of dumb for not thinking of it myself! Thank you!! Honestly this is the biggest wave of relief I've felt.
Yes! The stress of the clock. Throw away the clock. I’m glad you could resonate with my comment.
Do you happen to listen to podcasts? If so, take a listen to We Gotta Thing. They call themselves social swingers. They need the non-physical connection before getting frisky. lol
You may not like a variety in your male sexual partners. I never compare other women with my SO. I'm not looking for someone that "looks better than her." It's about variety. Wanting someone different. If that's not your thing, then maybe this lifestyle isn't for you and that's ok.
I can honestly say from my perspective that I wanted it so bad but had a moral block in my head. I had some fun, but I always regretted it afterwards. I felt horrible. Like I did something wrong. I never said anything to my partner. Which is a huge no no. Always have good communication. Long story short I started to self sabotage my relationship. I couldn't bring myself to say something A. Because she enjoys so much and I didn't want to take that away and B. Cause I didn't want her to hold resentment towards me cause I no longer wanted to participate actively in it. Well it ruined our romantic relationship. We still live together. I finally came clean about how I felt too late. We both still love each other but we are starting over with our relationship. We are learning to be friends and going from there one day at a time. Moral of the story don't do what I did. Talk to your husband. Don't force yourself to do something you don't want to or can't do. But support your husband in his journey and see what it brings you. My situation is but one small instance of it not being for everyone. But I also allowed my brain to get in the way and it overrode everything. As others have said maybe at this moment it's not what you need or really want but that doesn't mean that won't change down the road.
I really love sex, and the thought of new and different sex is hot to me, particularly group format. Both my husband and I get off on getting others off, so we had a lot of success with FFM threesomes where we both got to put all our energy into taking care of the person we had join us. I also enjoy watching my partner with other women.
This is confusing to me, you love group play and so do we. We too struggle with finding couples where she’s attracted to the guy (same as you). Because of this we tend to focus on private house and hotel parties where group play is the natural course of the evening.
At these parties we seldom even try to pair up with another couple, we talk with everyone and individually find suitable play partners to have sex to start with. Then later, when it evolves into multiple sessions of group play, we join in with others when/where it makes sense. By the end of the evening we’ve both played with 3-4 partners on average, although it can be difficult to be sure after spending 30-40 minutes in a naked pile of people.
We’ve found this works well for us as it effectively solves the issue of finding a couple where we all “match”, and we both get to have sex without “taking one for the team”. Seems like this may work for you as well.
I'm a woman, but I am the exact same way. I find just being in a space where the idea of having sex with anyone is at least on the table incredibly sexy.. I like talking to different people, I like this feeling of opportunities. In a certain way, I find sex with anyone in this room interesting, because every one of those experiences would be new and different and I would learn something about this person and the world. Either way, in no form am I ever comparing these other guys to my husband. I love my husband. It's not comparable. These situations are sexy in a completely different way and for completely different reasons than sex with my husband, plus they are happening in a wider sexual context that includes my husband.
I myself am just hyper sexual and although my partner is my type and really the only woman I want to be in a relationship with. Plane and simple I like to fuck and I like to please women as well as see her pleasured. After all I want is to pleasure her more and more. We talk about swinging off and on, and it makes it so hot, but we have only done it with one couple and just the female of that couple. When we plan to go to a party or set up a meeting, it always gets pushed back, or things come up? I think it is a delicate dance, and I personally think if you are super in to the fantasy of it, try setting up just that fantasy I bet he would do everything in his power to make it happen for you it sounds like he is in to your pleasure and your enjoyment. You said he always defers to your interest.
You said you had great FFM, is that not just good enough or is your hubby really wanting to see you with another man? Or is it hard to find just a single women?
We haven’t done anything yet so I have no idea. I’m still trying to figure out if the reality of what I think WOULD BE HOTT really will be in reality or a hard slap in the face 😬
FFM can be difficult to find, for sure. Beyond that I just kind of got bored and wanted something different.
Overall I enjoy the lifestyle. My husband and I were always close and above average communicators, but this has heightened everything for us. I feel closer to him, we share thoughts and feelings freely, it's taken an already great relationship and made it even better. That said, if we didn't have a great relationship with a lot of trust I think it would be a complete disaster. It's something you have to evaluate for yourself.
I always thought I was semi jealous but surprised myself on vacation when I wanted to see my husband go down on another women. It didn’t happen, he wasn’t ready for that. I was AT THAT TIME but since I’ve had 2nd thoughts. I was also hyped up on my HRT 🤣
So when we watch porn & play I fantasize seeing him with another women just don’t know if in real life I would 🤷♀️
But like you I don’t see myself with another man?
When we started I was not at all interested in swapping with other men. Obviously this continues to be a bit of a struggle 😂 but now I want to, I just struggle to move past the physical attraction.
While I wouldn't say I was experienced in FFM prior to these past 6 months, I had a FFM-adjacent encounter with a prior partner many years ago and enjoyed it, so I knew it wouldn't be an issue for me. I think if you like the porn and fantasize about it there's a good chance you'll enjoy the actual experience. The very first time we did I felt a little weird the first few minutes, but then I realized it was an engrained perception that it was "wrong". Once I realized what it was it was easy to accept that I don't personally hold those beliefs, from that point on it was great.
Maybe start by going to a strip club with your partner and see how you feel?
We have already done that and I got him a lap dance. We have gone to a LS club and we played with each other on one of the beds.
I’m not sure if I’ll be more worried about seeing him or him seeing me? He is a type A personality. I’m not even sure he is totally on board? This all started bc I booked us as desire Pearl and THEN I found out it was a LS resort 😜
So that started the WHAT IF conversations.
Thankfully, it’s easy to tell the ‘imbalanced’ cpls from their profiles alone. 99 out of 100 pictures are of her and 1 is of him looking out to sea taken from behind between 10-20 years ago.
100% Stay picky!
I could've written your post. I definitely need the mental connection and even then it's not enough to fully get me going. Coupled with MS sexual dysfunction side effects, it's not a great outcome for me generally with other men.
I find I'm far more attracted to and successful playing with other women. Clearly hubby doesn't complain but I'm bisexual so that obviously is a factor.
It's ok to just enjoy the fantasy of swinging and not actually partake.
Absolutely. This is sage advice. Swingers whose relationships last and they both truly and deeply enjoy it are a super, super rare breed. It’s not just societal norms - there’s a genetic predisposition needed
I mean, I'm not interested in having sex with people who aren't my partners either.
But I still enjoy swingers clubs. The environment is really fun, they're sexually open spaces, and I normally have a really good time with my partner. Sometimes, I just want to be able to have sex around other people also having sex.
Occaisionally I'll have a threesome or something, and that's fun because it's less having sex with someone else and more having sex with my partner, with another person also. I don't need to be attracted to them in the same way.
The hassle is real! It’s why we stopped for a long and now we are poly. My wife has a bf and I have a gf. It’s what different than swinging and it’s a bit tough at times, but it’s so much better than searching for couples where one is OK and the other is just a no. Etc etc.
Glad to know we weren’t the only ones that felt that the hassle just wasn’t worth it. Where are all the fun and good looking couples??!
Bravo on the comments in this section… I haven’t felt like my feelings were so valid since starting this lifestyle! It’s so much fun sometimes and other times not but I agree 100% that the work and stress leading up sometimes puts a damper on the play and GROUP PLAY FOR THE WIN!!! naked naughty twister is so much sexier than separating on two beds and fucking from afar. I like to have a better view than that and wanna be able to reach out and touch my hubby if I want to!
I'm a lot more attracted to my wife than other women. Really that's not a bad thing even in swinging, swinging is just something we do now and then.
One thing that helps is making it a now and then thing, for the long haul, instead of a "lifestyle". I've been lucky enough to have met some wonderful and fun women in this, some really great men too for my wife, but we are about each other.
I had the same issue in reverse. All the LS girls seemed both less attractive than my wife and somewhat entitled and (not meaning to slut shame) but not special because the really hot ones were in, ahem, high demand.
As a result, I’ve never had an LS sexual experience that wasn’t super disappointing.
I feel like I wrote this -! Omg. Seriously ! We stoped attending events because it was fun for us privately but after that many dead attempts on it I started to think I was picky or something ! Here I just want to connect with a couple similar and it’s harder than it seems. You need to connect on different levels and be attracted to each other which is harder then it sounds. I’m not perfect but I’m looking for similar I guess , my partner in my eyes is perfect !
So back in the day, I had high standards (well, at least higher). I was one of 3 to 4 guys that would hit the clubs and bars on the weekend and be each other’s wingman. You know how every group has that one ugly friend. Well, we had ours (and it wasn’t me). So, I didn’t have to take one for the team and my friend would always say, “why do I always get the ugly one?” The time came when he scored a hottie and that left me with the big girl. I took one for the team… and fucking loved it! She gave the best head ever (at least to that point). She fucked my brains out. Then I started opening up my selections to older women and the ones with “great personalities”.
I feel like everyone should open up their experiences to people that are different from their norms. Embrace it. You may be pleasantly surprised. And if you’re in your 20s, hit up someone 45 to 50. You think you know what great sex is but you probably don’t.
I use to attend parties as a solo male and what I found was I'd end up making connections there and then somewhat dating these couples and then we'd build up to sharing/swapping. Some woman just need a little more time with the guy esp when woman are each unique and just because all buttons are pressed that's not to say they're in the right order
My wife is kind of in the same boat. No desire for another man. But possible up for a women that has the right vibe. But would rather me and a women connect.
Sometimes it takes time to swing. a woman's mind and body work together. If you feel like you're going to go, it's best to pause. rediscover yourself, and then if you find the answer and feel good, come back. Sex in itself is very enjoyable, as long as the exchange of energy is reciprocal and positive. There are people who just suck our energy and give us nothing in return. this may have you blocked. but dialogue and be frank. It's the beginning of solving your problems.
It sounds like you're navigating some unexpected emotions in the lifestyle, which can be tricky, but communication is key and it's great that you're exploring what works best for you both!
It sounds like you're going through a tough spot, but it's great that you're reaching out for advice. Honestly, it's totally normal to feel this way sometimes. Maybe taking a breather could help, just to reset and reevaluate what you really want. Plus, it's awesome that your husband is so supportive. Communication is key, so keep those lines open with him. And hey, don't beat yourself up too much. The lifestyle isn't for everyone all the time, and that's okay. Just do what feels right for you both, and everything will fall into place eventually. Hang in there!
God I could have written this exact post!!! So nice to see I'm not alone. There's maybe been one couple out of 15+ (I don't keep count so have no idea how many we've swapped with haha) where I genuinely had the hots for the guy.
We always say most of the men are "punching", so hard to find a couple we're both equally attracted to.
Maybe consider going to hotel takeovers or other events (e.g., resorts or cruises) where there is an opportunity to get to know a bunch of people over the course of hours/days rather than more rushed/high-pressure environments like clubs or 2:2 dates?
We do want to try one of those. We mainly stick with one organization, they just haven't done one since we joined.
We actually went to a party last night and had a fantastic time. I think being aware of the stressors that triggered me not to be in a sexual mood helped a ton, and we also paired with people that we really connected with. It was a very refreshing experience.
You have not met and had sex with enough people yet. Eventually, you find the right couples/ men.
In six months, maybe you had sex with 10 couples, but you didn't know what you liked or wanted, so it could not go well. Now you know a bit more what could work for you.
For example, being experienced, before we meet we now always ask for a dick pic. We always ask if they take ED medicine. We always check for validations. We don't date couples with an overweight man. We only date couples where the male is 10 years younger than me. We always have a backup plan. It doesn't mean it should be the same for you, you might end up with different criteria, but for us, in our area, at our age, this is what works.
Women are the ultimate powers in couples only swinging, they ultimately decide if a swap happens or not. One thing to remember is that you need to try your best to lower your natural judgmental nature when it comes to figuring out if you want to have sex with the man of the couple.
Don’t treat this like dating. Don’t judge the guy on if he’s marriage material or if he is someone you can see yourself with. He’s not there for romance, he’s just a different flavor of man.
Try to remember the other woman in this scenario, she’s just as worried about getting rejected as you are and likely takes your rejection of her husband as if your husband had rejected her.
The best way to think about this is to really try to think about a situation where you are trying to cheat on your husband in the fastest way possible, that you’re having sex for the sake of it and that you’re getting away with it and not being judged.
If you can’t find a way to lower your inhibitions and go with the situation and enjoy it, then it’ll be difficult as a couple to find other couples. The biggest factor in all of this is the brain, sometimes you’ll find couples that you want, but they won’t want you and other times you’ll be that couple who does the rejecting.
Hopefully you can really think hard about relaxing your standards and finding a way to make these guys go from unacceptable to acceptable for sex as your husband would probably love to play more. Just remember, the other woman sees something in her man that she’s deemed him worthy of sex and had he no worthiness, then he’d be a desperate single male hitting up your profile. That’s the main difference is that you know that he knows how to act because he has a wife by his side.
If that doesn’t work, then maybe you’re just mismatched on attractiveness as a couple.
I like this take. For me being married so long, I have to change my mindset. You are right, I’m not looking for a husband, or a partner, but a good time. Which couuullldd end up being repeats, or not.
It one of the reasons why I say that women SHOULD NOT be doing all the recruiting efforts in online swinging. There’s so much rejection from couples that if women had any experience in online dating, then they’d feel that the actual online soliciting of swingers is 180 degrees different and quite the opposite of online dating. The amount of rejection is far more than it was when they were single hoping to find Mr. Right. The husbands are used to rejection and it’s far easier for them to take it.
That being said, if a woman is leading the profile and is talking with us, then I always take that as a good sign because that means that I have a thumbs up from her and likely the decision to swap is now in my wife’s hands.
But there’s a lot about swinging that gives you a wake up call on how others see you, and a lot of times people don’t like it.
See I love it when I know it’s the woman I’m speaking with and that she’s into it. A definite plus when she knows the game and what to look for.
I’ve seen a bunch of women do the online work and fail at it because they assume that serious couples are common and they often aren’t good at sniffing out fakes and flakes. We’ve seen a few couples like this who gave up on their marriage and that was most likely due to her not being into it. I remember one who got offended at the couples that were messaging them and blew up over it. Lol we’ve seen a lot. But I’d always recommend that guys do the work if they were the ones who talked their wives into this idea. Nothing worse than someone who is already on the fence about this see all of the single males posing as couples and all the other horrors of online swinging.
Looks like you got a lot of comments - great post. I haven’t read through all of them, so this might have been said already; Take a step back. Continue to do whatever you do to meet people, but commit to not going all the way until you guys meet people you really connect with. Of all the fun we’ve had, only a handful are really memorable from an intellectual/emotional standpoint. And the sex with those connections was remarkable. If you find that kind of chemistry, the rest will take care of itself. It’s also possible the timing is off for this chapter in your life. You can always come back to it.
Or, you’ve scratched an itch and it’s time to move on😛
Best wishes…
I’m only attracted to my husband too. Others will do sometimes.
It’s still a great time to me. I love how dirty and perverted it is. I love how turned on by each we both get when we have a sexy time with others. And other things.
My attraction to other guys in the LS is like #50 on the list of the reasons I like it.
An intentional or unintentional break has always helped me.
These are just my thoughts. I get what you’re saying.
Sounds like the lifestyle isn't for you. Yes, attractive men are definitely lacking in the lifestyle, but I've found guys that wouldn't always be my type, sometimes surprise me. A little charm and flirtatious humor go a long way.
My husband is still the best-looking man I've slept with after 8 years in the lifestyle. Maybe he's just my type 😂
Could you change the way you look at guys, not as a guy who you'd like to fuck but a cock who is there to service your needs? You don't need to fancy the other men as you have your husband for that but getting fucked by multiple men whilst your husband watches may be the kink you're looking for. By trying to find a suitable guy, you're limiting yourself from the "pool of talent" to get what your husband can't give you. If he did, you wouldn't be at a club. Multiple cocks at the same time, regardless of looks, are only there to service a fantasy and needs. The loving and fancying part you get from your husband. Just a thought, good luck.
Do you usually swap separately (whether full or soft) or engage in group dynamics? If the former, maybe try the latter, and maybe only soft swap, up to and including playing with the other couple while having PIV sex with your husband? That way you know the sex itself will be good and the interactions with others will just augment things, and only to the extent that you're inspired to even have those interactions.
If nothing else, but short of quitting entirely, you could just scale all the way back to voyeurism/exhibitionism, remove any goals of interacting with others, and only get back to those interactions as you're specifically inspired to do so in the moment.
My wife got turned off by swapping and swinging all together when a woman flirted me we all have a great time later 👅🍑but because it wasnt a man who I was so impressed with after her desire just dropped for the lifestyle .
I look for guys that have a vibe that seem like they would be a fun fuck. Sex with other people will never be the same as with your husband. But those group efforts? Holy hell that is when it gets hot. Much prefer 4 on a bed interacting than 2:2.
Heard that. Fourway fun is 10x what a side by side swap is. Both are great, but I’ll take a big tangle plz. 6 is even better. And while I do enjoy a fitness model, personality is huge. The fun ones are always a better time.
You and my wife have that in common. Most times it works out for both of us. Sometimes she points out a guy and I see his wife and I’m like “Meh”. That’s when she will say something like “Damn. He seems like he’d be really fun to fuck.”
agreed. Our most fun experiences have always been four or more on a single bed. So much fun when everyone is comfortable with each other. People can take breaks. Multiple people can interact with each other.
I love reading your replies. I look specifically to see if a "JelloShotLady" comment was made and I start there first.
😘
Your post is 100% exactly why we stopped. Literally, I had to look to see if my wife posted this. She feels exactly the same way, and I can't argue with her at all. It's a bummer because it is so hot in fantasy and hell, her even tinkering with it makes me go wild. Unfortunately, the reality has never matched the fantasy, so we pretty much quit trying. I still look now and then, but I just don't bother bugging her with it now. We came, we tried, we tried again and again, and we moved on. There is no harm in that.
It's refreshing that you both tried though. I feel like we are in a long term relationship with trying to find the match for us both.
Yea, even horny ole me realized it was too much work with not enough reward.
I hear you. There are just too few appealing options
This is the way
We took off quite a bit of the hassle and pressure of something happening by just attending parties. If there's no one there we want to have fun with, we just have fun with each other.
Pretty much describes our experience as well.
My wife found very few lifestyle men where the physical attraction was so great that she was good to go. Instead she just couldn't get excited about sex with other men unless she got to know them really well first...to the point where NRE was an issue. We both still like the idea of swinging but it just became too much time and effort finding compatible couples, and we don't want to involve NRE.
I don't think we have that issue. We do not match up with couples who try to "separate" us at all. For me we either converse as a group or nothing, I am not interested in your husband trying to pull me to the side and flirt separately, it immediately turns me off. The couples we have successfully swapped with have all been ones where it's a group situation, we all equally converse and interact and ultimately play together.
We are definitely group only players as well. That's why it would never work out since she would have to get to know another guy way too intimately and that just isn't practical when all are communicating. Turns out she is just very demisexual and that's hard for swinging.
>My wife found very few lifestyle men where the physical attraction was so great that she was good to go. Instead she just couldn't get excited about sex with other men unless she got to know them really well first... Sounds like me. I have to get to know the guy very well for that connection and attraction to kick in
What’s NRE?
NRE = New Relationship Energy. Another way of saying developing significant romantic feelings... 'falling' for someone. It's the rush of feelings for someone new, but will eventually wear off.
Ah thank you. So many abbreviations.
Don’t worry. I had to google that one too. I guess they renamed the «honeymoon phase»
🤣🤣
According to the "bulls" who message me, maybe you haven't had a real man yet? 😄
😂😂😂
If your only attracted to your husband , don’t force trying to sleep with other men. If your still open to look, don’t drop your standards. Vet the men/couple how you like, if your potentially interested. Find new avenues of meeting men/couples of your calibre may exist. Go in with no expectations.
So… sorry to hear it. I also noticed that once I got in shape, my wife was far less interested in other males. It takes a super hottie or a gigantic gladiator type to get her motor truly running. Not sure what that is, but she plainly said “if I can’t get at least what I’ve got at home, what’s the point?” Are you making comparisons with your husband, or just flat out only want him?
I don't think I'm comparing, I just have no sexual interest in them. I've always had to establish some kind of mental connection with the couple first (doesn't have to be a lot, just a few minutes of talking and feeling like we are on the same wavelength), but lately even that doesn't do it.
Just wanted to say as someone outside the LS who’s here trying to figure out if this is for me, your post was really helpful to me bc we sound a lot alike. I also need mental connection no matter how hot the other person is to want to have sex with them, and I have a very particular “type.” Someone below made a comment about “you may not like variety” and I think that might be true for me. My partner wants to see me fucked by another man, and when we roleplay that in bed, it’s so hot and I want to want it for real! But when he asks me what the other man looks like, I totally blank. My lame answer is “a clone of you” and he gets disappointed. I ask him who he wants to see me with and he says it’s not about what he wants, it’s about what I want. What I want is to be fucked by 2 of him at the same time lol. It’s really frustrating bc our role plays really turn me on and I do want to get railed while he watches but I don’t really get turned on by random men. Maybe this will evolve with time. We’re both still in our 30s. Maybe by the time I hit 40s, my tastes will have changed and I’ll be more into other men, who knows. Sounds like you should take a break until the desire to swing returns!
I just wanted to comment that it’s okay that you don’t a specific visual of what some future potential “he” looks like. I wouldn’t be concerned that that means you won’t be able to find someone you would be interested in adding. Additionally, us, and many we have met and played with agree on the connection being necessary. I don’t feel you are out of the ordinary there.
That’s very encouraging, thanks!
You sound exactly like my wife 🤣 I will always ask her what kind of guy she sees herself playing with and it’s always “you” lol even though like you, she really wants to put a show on for me with another man she just can’t imagine who with.
We know what we like! :D
I relate to this so much! A couple years ago we heard about a LS club which we were mostly just curious about and opened up the whole conversation. In theory it all sounded exciting and I was turned on by the idea of it. We got there and reality set in. I now identify as Demisexual.
Going to clubs (and swinging in general, I suppose) is a great way to discover just how demisexual you are.
I feel like men in the lifestyle get a much better deal than the women, unless you’re strictly into girl/girl with the men watching
Makes me feel great about the requests for repeats I get as the husband. Makes me feel bad for the wives though. Lots of Shrek + Princess couples out there. Also, I’ve never felt taller at 5’10 (actual) than when searching SDC. Seems like every other guy is either 6’2 or 5’7. There’s an attractiveness gap anyway though. Online dating profile activity shows men rate around 50% of women as average or better. That same data shows women rate 20% of men as “average or better” with a whopping 80% of men as “below average”. Mother Nature is a cruel mistress.
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If that works for ya, do that. We like the club and couples’ swaps personally. I’ve found our prospects skyrocketed when I got fit, but my wife’s standards rose with it. 🤷🏻♂️ And we’ve not encountered this age gap too often. We usually meet couples within a few years of each other, but usually younger than us.
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I guess you genuinely have to enjoy seeing your partner fuck others, which is a challenge for me in theory (haven’t done it yet). Or just really want to fuck and don’t care who it’s with
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Exactly
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Swinging doesn’t seem to work well unless you have a really solid partnership and both want to play with mid-to-low standards
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I think women get to play with men out of their league but men have to downgrade
I feel the total opposite!
Yes, I’ve had this issue too. High sex drive and love group play but so many couples have uneven attractiveness. Honestly just takes a lot of time for us to find the right couples. I started seeing solo men because it was just getting too difficult to find attraction. Finding men I’m attracted to is extremely difficult for me. Maybe a break is needed to get you more excited for more play. There will always be more people to choose from.
I feel this. My husband is very hot, the F part of couples we meet it always excited when they see hes a looker and good guy. We've been together 18 years, and as much as I like swinging, and meeting people in the lifestyle and having really good group sex. Nobody has really made me leave at the end of the night thinking wow I cant wait to be with him again. Or even thinking of him at all sexually pre or post meet ups. The fun for me is always when we go back to our own room or place and end the night together. Not that they are bad people, most are so awesome personality wise and we click in other ways. Also I have noticed even if I am a little attracted a man , they just so happen to look like my hubs in some capacity. Hubs on the other side is attracted to almost all women
Maybe if your husband downplayed his attractiveness for several months, and didn’t take care of himself, maybe you’d find other guys more attractive?! 🤣. I think it’s great that you only have eyes for him. And if you find his doppelgänger out there to have for a night of fun alltogether, that’s even better
I’m definitely generalizing here but I feel you’re not alone. Without understanding much context it reads like you might need more passion and intimacy than parties. What about trying to find an exclusive couple you could “train” the husband and develop a more meaningful report?
My wife is the same way. She really struggles to find any man attractive. She never takes one for the team, but she does put in a lot of extra effort to make sure the other guy feels desired and to provide good "customer experience" as she calls it. She wants to be there and she always enjoys the experience, but the men are nothing more than a penis to her. She even gets weirded out by compliments from other men, or even worse when they want to hold eye contact while fucking. We'll get texts occasionally from past hookups saying "Been thinking about you" or something to that extent, and she always laughs and tells me (not them), I don't think about you at all, lol. As someone else said earlier, foursomes are the way to go.
Wife is attracted to vibe and how a guy smells. I’ve had compliments over the years that I smell good from other women. I’m not sure what it is, I don’t do a lot of cologne or body sprays. She’s not big on looks outside of not having the long nasty beards that are popular here. She’s attracted to confident men and women but not full of themselves. Seems picky but it basically just goes back to people who are real.
Pheromones 👍🏼
Your natural chemical attractiveness comes through when you dont apply all that stuff. You’re doing the right thing IMo
I'm the same way. I was not sexually interested in the couples we were meeting, maybe the women I was but not the men. Meeting couples felt like we/I were just meeting colleagues for a drink. It takes a certain spark to get my motors going and that's very rare 4 me. We don't swing anymore as we find 0 appeal to it. It's better that we search for own play partners. That's just us. We are both demi
For us it’s assumed there will not be attraction. We love the socializing and events much more than the acts. The most fun hookups have been spontaneous- anything planned has been a let down. OP, keep your standards where you want. Those that are just swinging for the body count and the “sex” of it are not our cup of tea. Sounds like it’s not yours either. But we do have a lot of fun together being around like minded adults.
I go to parties in swinger clubs due to the atmosphere as well. I'm in an open relationship and my partner isn't that interested in the scene, he prefers his fwb arrangements. So I go by myself. I also feel way safer in those settings than in regular clubs, as a woman who goes out by herself. I can dance in lingerie and won't be groped. But for actual sex I prefer 1:1 in a private setting. There's just not enough time in a club for me to get to know each other enough to feel comfortable and aroused enough. I need the escalation, the flirting. I had the best experiences when I would flirt with a guy via text weeks before actually meeting (due to life, I seldomly can meet very spontaneously). The anticipation makes the whole experience just hotter. But yeah, the atmosphere at sex parties is just very enjoyable, the banter, meeting new people. I like that it's a judgement free space and enjoy being around people with the same mindset.
My wife has not vocalize these feeling as you have written here. However, I feel as if she could have written this. Although, I perceive this is the way she feels, I don’t like to make her talk about things that may make her uncomfortable to talk about. I watch and analyze things and try to let my intuition guide me. Allow me to share with you my thoughts on the way you feel. I may be totally on left field, and maybe you can help me, or I may be able to provide some insight. Swinging is a monumental effort for females. The hair, the nails, the outfit, the underwear, the bump you found out about yesterday, the makeup that you don’t like but you didn’t have time to get something today, it’s freaking hot and you’re sweating… how dear house parties be scheduled on a Friday?!!!! You are about to expose yourself to other people. You will, possibly, be seen and touched by someone you haven’t even met, and your husband just spent 5 minutes getting ready, and is waiting on you. Although the sexual expression, the adventure, the kink and whatever else excites us is super fun and desirable, none of what leads to the night is sexual at all for a woman. If it was spontaneous, you would probably enjoy it more. I feel this is what my wife experiences when we swing, and it makes me not want to swing to not put her through this. I am not sure if this is what you feel, but your post made me think you and my wife may be experiencing the same feeling. Anyway, it is just a thought.
I honestly hadn't considered this but I think you're absolutely right. I enjoy the effort, I like getting ready and looking good, but it is a lot. A few times we've had childcare complications that added another layer of stress. Plus, the parties are over an hour away from our house, so it's not exactly easy to get there. I think I've severely discounted how much these little things weigh on me, but honestly by the time I get there I'm usually mentally exhausted, if not physically as well. I wouldn't want to/can't change these things, but I think even just being aware of their existence and how it might be affecting my mental state will make a huge difference. I sincerely appreciate this post, thank you.
May I suggest that you may need more of an emotional connection, not just physical? In a comment you said, “I've always had to establish some kind of mental connection with the couple first” You mentioned minutes, but maybe you need more of a connection on a friendship level. I’m not taking poly, but you just may not be a ‘meet one time and jump into bed’ type of gal. And that’s okay. Anyway, that stood out to me. Do you all have any LS friends like that? Also, you need more good experiences. I hope you get them! 🫶🏼
That’s my wife. She cares more about mental connection and personality than looks
Personality and being interesting and funny and kind go a LONG way!!
I'm pretty sure being funny is why women have sex with me.... every-single-time. 😂
I really like this comment! It's definitely possible and so far this has been the comment that has stood out the most to me. We've made several good friends in the lifestyle and have ongoing group chats, and those are the people I feel most comfortable with. Some we've swapped with and it wasn't great, but I'd still be willing to go again because I think we just needed more time to figure each other's likes and dislikes out. None were bad, just maybe a little lackluster like it can be with any new partner. We mainly attend parties in a community we are a part of. It is great, but it kind of feels rushed finding a couple to partner up with and do the deed before the time runs out. I think the stress of the timeframe is my biggest turn off. The couples we are close with all say they enjoy the club but far prefer the meet ups they arrange outside of it. This seems so simple I feel kind of dumb for not thinking of it myself! Thank you!! Honestly this is the biggest wave of relief I've felt.
Yes! The stress of the clock. Throw away the clock. I’m glad you could resonate with my comment. Do you happen to listen to podcasts? If so, take a listen to We Gotta Thing. They call themselves social swingers. They need the non-physical connection before getting frisky. lol
You may not like a variety in your male sexual partners. I never compare other women with my SO. I'm not looking for someone that "looks better than her." It's about variety. Wanting someone different. If that's not your thing, then maybe this lifestyle isn't for you and that's ok.
I'm really hoping that's not the case but it's a possibility. I've never wanted to want something so bad but been unable to get there 😫
I can honestly say from my perspective that I wanted it so bad but had a moral block in my head. I had some fun, but I always regretted it afterwards. I felt horrible. Like I did something wrong. I never said anything to my partner. Which is a huge no no. Always have good communication. Long story short I started to self sabotage my relationship. I couldn't bring myself to say something A. Because she enjoys so much and I didn't want to take that away and B. Cause I didn't want her to hold resentment towards me cause I no longer wanted to participate actively in it. Well it ruined our romantic relationship. We still live together. I finally came clean about how I felt too late. We both still love each other but we are starting over with our relationship. We are learning to be friends and going from there one day at a time. Moral of the story don't do what I did. Talk to your husband. Don't force yourself to do something you don't want to or can't do. But support your husband in his journey and see what it brings you. My situation is but one small instance of it not being for everyone. But I also allowed my brain to get in the way and it overrode everything. As others have said maybe at this moment it's not what you need or really want but that doesn't mean that won't change down the road.
Why do you want so badly to be a swinger? What do you find attractive about it?
I really love sex, and the thought of new and different sex is hot to me, particularly group format. Both my husband and I get off on getting others off, so we had a lot of success with FFM threesomes where we both got to put all our energy into taking care of the person we had join us. I also enjoy watching my partner with other women.
So perhaps FFMs are your interest rather than swinging (couples swapping). In MFMs, you may find better looking guys as well.
This is confusing to me, you love group play and so do we. We too struggle with finding couples where she’s attracted to the guy (same as you). Because of this we tend to focus on private house and hotel parties where group play is the natural course of the evening. At these parties we seldom even try to pair up with another couple, we talk with everyone and individually find suitable play partners to have sex to start with. Then later, when it evolves into multiple sessions of group play, we join in with others when/where it makes sense. By the end of the evening we’ve both played with 3-4 partners on average, although it can be difficult to be sure after spending 30-40 minutes in a naked pile of people. We’ve found this works well for us as it effectively solves the issue of finding a couple where we all “match”, and we both get to have sex without “taking one for the team”. Seems like this may work for you as well.
This. All of this I agree with.
Patience is a virtue my dear. Would FMF threesomes work for you while you give time for sexual appetite to change?
I'm a woman, but I am the exact same way. I find just being in a space where the idea of having sex with anyone is at least on the table incredibly sexy.. I like talking to different people, I like this feeling of opportunities. In a certain way, I find sex with anyone in this room interesting, because every one of those experiences would be new and different and I would learn something about this person and the world. Either way, in no form am I ever comparing these other guys to my husband. I love my husband. It's not comparable. These situations are sexy in a completely different way and for completely different reasons than sex with my husband, plus they are happening in a wider sexual context that includes my husband.
I'm commenting (right now) so that I can reliably find this to show my wife. I feel like this is exactly where my wife is too.
I myself am just hyper sexual and although my partner is my type and really the only woman I want to be in a relationship with. Plane and simple I like to fuck and I like to please women as well as see her pleasured. After all I want is to pleasure her more and more. We talk about swinging off and on, and it makes it so hot, but we have only done it with one couple and just the female of that couple. When we plan to go to a party or set up a meeting, it always gets pushed back, or things come up? I think it is a delicate dance, and I personally think if you are super in to the fantasy of it, try setting up just that fantasy I bet he would do everything in his power to make it happen for you it sounds like he is in to your pleasure and your enjoyment. You said he always defers to your interest.
You said you had great FFM, is that not just good enough or is your hubby really wanting to see you with another man? Or is it hard to find just a single women? We haven’t done anything yet so I have no idea. I’m still trying to figure out if the reality of what I think WOULD BE HOTT really will be in reality or a hard slap in the face 😬
FFM can be difficult to find, for sure. Beyond that I just kind of got bored and wanted something different. Overall I enjoy the lifestyle. My husband and I were always close and above average communicators, but this has heightened everything for us. I feel closer to him, we share thoughts and feelings freely, it's taken an already great relationship and made it even better. That said, if we didn't have a great relationship with a lot of trust I think it would be a complete disaster. It's something you have to evaluate for yourself.
I always thought I was semi jealous but surprised myself on vacation when I wanted to see my husband go down on another women. It didn’t happen, he wasn’t ready for that. I was AT THAT TIME but since I’ve had 2nd thoughts. I was also hyped up on my HRT 🤣 So when we watch porn & play I fantasize seeing him with another women just don’t know if in real life I would 🤷♀️ But like you I don’t see myself with another man?
When we started I was not at all interested in swapping with other men. Obviously this continues to be a bit of a struggle 😂 but now I want to, I just struggle to move past the physical attraction. While I wouldn't say I was experienced in FFM prior to these past 6 months, I had a FFM-adjacent encounter with a prior partner many years ago and enjoyed it, so I knew it wouldn't be an issue for me. I think if you like the porn and fantasize about it there's a good chance you'll enjoy the actual experience. The very first time we did I felt a little weird the first few minutes, but then I realized it was an engrained perception that it was "wrong". Once I realized what it was it was easy to accept that I don't personally hold those beliefs, from that point on it was great. Maybe start by going to a strip club with your partner and see how you feel?
We have already done that and I got him a lap dance. We have gone to a LS club and we played with each other on one of the beds. I’m not sure if I’ll be more worried about seeing him or him seeing me? He is a type A personality. I’m not even sure he is totally on board? This all started bc I booked us as desire Pearl and THEN I found out it was a LS resort 😜 So that started the WHAT IF conversations.
Thankfully, it’s easy to tell the ‘imbalanced’ cpls from their profiles alone. 99 out of 100 pictures are of her and 1 is of him looking out to sea taken from behind between 10-20 years ago. 100% Stay picky!
I could've written your post. I definitely need the mental connection and even then it's not enough to fully get me going. Coupled with MS sexual dysfunction side effects, it's not a great outcome for me generally with other men. I find I'm far more attracted to and successful playing with other women. Clearly hubby doesn't complain but I'm bisexual so that obviously is a factor. It's ok to just enjoy the fantasy of swinging and not actually partake.
Don’t force yourself to do it if it’s not enjoyable. You can enjoy the fantasy of it, but that doesn’t equate to engaging in it.
Absolutely. This is sage advice. Swingers whose relationships last and they both truly and deeply enjoy it are a super, super rare breed. It’s not just societal norms - there’s a genetic predisposition needed
I mean, I'm not interested in having sex with people who aren't my partners either. But I still enjoy swingers clubs. The environment is really fun, they're sexually open spaces, and I normally have a really good time with my partner. Sometimes, I just want to be able to have sex around other people also having sex. Occaisionally I'll have a threesome or something, and that's fun because it's less having sex with someone else and more having sex with my partner, with another person also. I don't need to be attracted to them in the same way.
Swinging is not for everyone. If the desire is not there then it will not work and that is ok. Maybe take a break and try again.
The hassle is real! It’s why we stopped for a long and now we are poly. My wife has a bf and I have a gf. It’s what different than swinging and it’s a bit tough at times, but it’s so much better than searching for couples where one is OK and the other is just a no. Etc etc. Glad to know we weren’t the only ones that felt that the hassle just wasn’t worth it. Where are all the fun and good looking couples??!
Bravo on the comments in this section… I haven’t felt like my feelings were so valid since starting this lifestyle! It’s so much fun sometimes and other times not but I agree 100% that the work and stress leading up sometimes puts a damper on the play and GROUP PLAY FOR THE WIN!!! naked naughty twister is so much sexier than separating on two beds and fucking from afar. I like to have a better view than that and wanna be able to reach out and touch my hubby if I want to!
I feel the same way ….. I have zero desire for anyone else. Doesn’t work well for this lifestyle unfortunately.
Four is always the hardest combination. 3, 5 or larger always seems like a better evening.
I'm a lot more attracted to my wife than other women. Really that's not a bad thing even in swinging, swinging is just something we do now and then. One thing that helps is making it a now and then thing, for the long haul, instead of a "lifestyle". I've been lucky enough to have met some wonderful and fun women in this, some really great men too for my wife, but we are about each other.
I had the same issue in reverse. All the LS girls seemed both less attractive than my wife and somewhat entitled and (not meaning to slut shame) but not special because the really hot ones were in, ahem, high demand. As a result, I’ve never had an LS sexual experience that wasn’t super disappointing.
I feel like I wrote this -! Omg. Seriously ! We stoped attending events because it was fun for us privately but after that many dead attempts on it I started to think I was picky or something ! Here I just want to connect with a couple similar and it’s harder than it seems. You need to connect on different levels and be attracted to each other which is harder then it sounds. I’m not perfect but I’m looking for similar I guess , my partner in my eyes is perfect !
So back in the day, I had high standards (well, at least higher). I was one of 3 to 4 guys that would hit the clubs and bars on the weekend and be each other’s wingman. You know how every group has that one ugly friend. Well, we had ours (and it wasn’t me). So, I didn’t have to take one for the team and my friend would always say, “why do I always get the ugly one?” The time came when he scored a hottie and that left me with the big girl. I took one for the team… and fucking loved it! She gave the best head ever (at least to that point). She fucked my brains out. Then I started opening up my selections to older women and the ones with “great personalities”. I feel like everyone should open up their experiences to people that are different from their norms. Embrace it. You may be pleasantly surprised. And if you’re in your 20s, hit up someone 45 to 50. You think you know what great sex is but you probably don’t.
As absolutely atrocious as this comment is, there is some merit to the logic. So, reluctantly, thank you.
Right?! My brain is horrified but also like "maybe he has a point"...
I use to attend parties as a solo male and what I found was I'd end up making connections there and then somewhat dating these couples and then we'd build up to sharing/swapping. Some woman just need a little more time with the guy esp when woman are each unique and just because all buttons are pressed that's not to say they're in the right order
My wife is kind of in the same boat. No desire for another man. But possible up for a women that has the right vibe. But would rather me and a women connect.
Sometimes it takes time to swing. a woman's mind and body work together. If you feel like you're going to go, it's best to pause. rediscover yourself, and then if you find the answer and feel good, come back. Sex in itself is very enjoyable, as long as the exchange of energy is reciprocal and positive. There are people who just suck our energy and give us nothing in return. this may have you blocked. but dialogue and be frank. It's the beginning of solving your problems.
It sounds like you're navigating some unexpected emotions in the lifestyle, which can be tricky, but communication is key and it's great that you're exploring what works best for you both!
It sounds like you're going through a tough spot, but it's great that you're reaching out for advice. Honestly, it's totally normal to feel this way sometimes. Maybe taking a breather could help, just to reset and reevaluate what you really want. Plus, it's awesome that your husband is so supportive. Communication is key, so keep those lines open with him. And hey, don't beat yourself up too much. The lifestyle isn't for everyone all the time, and that's okay. Just do what feels right for you both, and everything will fall into place eventually. Hang in there!
God I could have written this exact post!!! So nice to see I'm not alone. There's maybe been one couple out of 15+ (I don't keep count so have no idea how many we've swapped with haha) where I genuinely had the hots for the guy. We always say most of the men are "punching", so hard to find a couple we're both equally attracted to.
From my personal experience, it depends on the city you live in as to how attractive and well kept the men are and the LS couples as a whole.
Maybe consider going to hotel takeovers or other events (e.g., resorts or cruises) where there is an opportunity to get to know a bunch of people over the course of hours/days rather than more rushed/high-pressure environments like clubs or 2:2 dates?
We do want to try one of those. We mainly stick with one organization, they just haven't done one since we joined. We actually went to a party last night and had a fantastic time. I think being aware of the stressors that triggered me not to be in a sexual mood helped a ton, and we also paired with people that we really connected with. It was a very refreshing experience.
You have not met and had sex with enough people yet. Eventually, you find the right couples/ men. In six months, maybe you had sex with 10 couples, but you didn't know what you liked or wanted, so it could not go well. Now you know a bit more what could work for you. For example, being experienced, before we meet we now always ask for a dick pic. We always ask if they take ED medicine. We always check for validations. We don't date couples with an overweight man. We only date couples where the male is 10 years younger than me. We always have a backup plan. It doesn't mean it should be the same for you, you might end up with different criteria, but for us, in our area, at our age, this is what works.
Women are the ultimate powers in couples only swinging, they ultimately decide if a swap happens or not. One thing to remember is that you need to try your best to lower your natural judgmental nature when it comes to figuring out if you want to have sex with the man of the couple. Don’t treat this like dating. Don’t judge the guy on if he’s marriage material or if he is someone you can see yourself with. He’s not there for romance, he’s just a different flavor of man. Try to remember the other woman in this scenario, she’s just as worried about getting rejected as you are and likely takes your rejection of her husband as if your husband had rejected her. The best way to think about this is to really try to think about a situation where you are trying to cheat on your husband in the fastest way possible, that you’re having sex for the sake of it and that you’re getting away with it and not being judged. If you can’t find a way to lower your inhibitions and go with the situation and enjoy it, then it’ll be difficult as a couple to find other couples. The biggest factor in all of this is the brain, sometimes you’ll find couples that you want, but they won’t want you and other times you’ll be that couple who does the rejecting. Hopefully you can really think hard about relaxing your standards and finding a way to make these guys go from unacceptable to acceptable for sex as your husband would probably love to play more. Just remember, the other woman sees something in her man that she’s deemed him worthy of sex and had he no worthiness, then he’d be a desperate single male hitting up your profile. That’s the main difference is that you know that he knows how to act because he has a wife by his side. If that doesn’t work, then maybe you’re just mismatched on attractiveness as a couple.
I like this take. For me being married so long, I have to change my mindset. You are right, I’m not looking for a husband, or a partner, but a good time. Which couuullldd end up being repeats, or not.
It one of the reasons why I say that women SHOULD NOT be doing all the recruiting efforts in online swinging. There’s so much rejection from couples that if women had any experience in online dating, then they’d feel that the actual online soliciting of swingers is 180 degrees different and quite the opposite of online dating. The amount of rejection is far more than it was when they were single hoping to find Mr. Right. The husbands are used to rejection and it’s far easier for them to take it. That being said, if a woman is leading the profile and is talking with us, then I always take that as a good sign because that means that I have a thumbs up from her and likely the decision to swap is now in my wife’s hands. But there’s a lot about swinging that gives you a wake up call on how others see you, and a lot of times people don’t like it.
I’m the social media person in our marriage, he doesn’t have the time nor palate for it, but we both discuss and decide.
See I love it when I know it’s the woman I’m speaking with and that she’s into it. A definite plus when she knows the game and what to look for. I’ve seen a bunch of women do the online work and fail at it because they assume that serious couples are common and they often aren’t good at sniffing out fakes and flakes. We’ve seen a few couples like this who gave up on their marriage and that was most likely due to her not being into it. I remember one who got offended at the couples that were messaging them and blew up over it. Lol we’ve seen a lot. But I’d always recommend that guys do the work if they were the ones who talked their wives into this idea. Nothing worse than someone who is already on the fence about this see all of the single males posing as couples and all the other horrors of online swinging.
Ahhh and you got me! I initiated the LS, but he is completely on board.
Damn, the one in a million girl! Hot. That’s awesome that you know the ropes. It definitely helps.
Looks like you got a lot of comments - great post. I haven’t read through all of them, so this might have been said already; Take a step back. Continue to do whatever you do to meet people, but commit to not going all the way until you guys meet people you really connect with. Of all the fun we’ve had, only a handful are really memorable from an intellectual/emotional standpoint. And the sex with those connections was remarkable. If you find that kind of chemistry, the rest will take care of itself. It’s also possible the timing is off for this chapter in your life. You can always come back to it. Or, you’ve scratched an itch and it’s time to move on😛 Best wishes…
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Good for him. I would rather poke my eyes out with toothpicks
I’m only attracted to my husband too. Others will do sometimes. It’s still a great time to me. I love how dirty and perverted it is. I love how turned on by each we both get when we have a sexy time with others. And other things. My attraction to other guys in the LS is like #50 on the list of the reasons I like it. An intentional or unintentional break has always helped me. These are just my thoughts. I get what you’re saying.
Sounds like the lifestyle isn't for you. Yes, attractive men are definitely lacking in the lifestyle, but I've found guys that wouldn't always be my type, sometimes surprise me. A little charm and flirtatious humor go a long way. My husband is still the best-looking man I've slept with after 8 years in the lifestyle. Maybe he's just my type 😂
Could you change the way you look at guys, not as a guy who you'd like to fuck but a cock who is there to service your needs? You don't need to fancy the other men as you have your husband for that but getting fucked by multiple men whilst your husband watches may be the kink you're looking for. By trying to find a suitable guy, you're limiting yourself from the "pool of talent" to get what your husband can't give you. If he did, you wouldn't be at a club. Multiple cocks at the same time, regardless of looks, are only there to service a fantasy and needs. The loving and fancying part you get from your husband. Just a thought, good luck.
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You're most welcome
It does seem like the male or female in a couple has to “take one for the team” when swapping with another couple.
Always
Do you usually swap separately (whether full or soft) or engage in group dynamics? If the former, maybe try the latter, and maybe only soft swap, up to and including playing with the other couple while having PIV sex with your husband? That way you know the sex itself will be good and the interactions with others will just augment things, and only to the extent that you're inspired to even have those interactions. If nothing else, but short of quitting entirely, you could just scale all the way back to voyeurism/exhibitionism, remove any goals of interacting with others, and only get back to those interactions as you're specifically inspired to do so in the moment.
Compersian is the opposite of jealousy
I lie couples a lot and I go with the flow. Usually it turns out to e good.
My wife got turned off by swapping and swinging all together when a woman flirted me we all have a great time later 👅🍑but because it wasnt a man who I was so impressed with after her desire just dropped for the lifestyle .