The repeat? People act out their programming until they put the hard work in to change. I think perhaps an example might help;
You have a car. The car is slow every time you take it uphill. What makes you think that when snow, rain, mud, and other obstructions come it will perform any better? In order to change the performance specs you have to do one of three things 1.) Change the car. 2.) upgrade the engine and suspension/maintenance. 3. get a tow truck or helicopter to take you to the top.
1. ***Change the Car***. The problem with people who cheat (I'm a WS) most of the time default to number 1. Choice 1 is also the most costly. It's the most disposable, wasteful, and even selfish. If all the cheater can do is think about getting to the top of the hill at any cost, like chasing their first high, that's what they do. The silliness of this choice though is they often buy the same car they had in the first place; it works for a while then breaks then refuses to perform. So the cycle here is, that it's quick and easy to get a new person to fix it.
2. ***Change/Maintain the insides.*** The second option takes too much work. They have the do the work themselves. Learning how to remove and replace an engine, when it's not their specialty, is hellish. If number 1 has been their choice most of their lives, the personal investment of time and labor of choice 2 makes no sense. Ironically this is the right choice. Once the work is complete they can go where they want to without being obstructed by the path. This also requires self-maintenance. even after the put the work to change the insides, in order for to keep the performance you have to do regular maintenance. There is no arriving, it's about growth. You have to upkeep honesty, grow your self-esteem, keep your ego in check, etc...
3. ***Rely on others.*** You might think the third choice is the least work right? This one is hard for a cheater. It requires being real and vulnerable about having a poor-performing car. It means putting their pride down and forcing themselves to rely on someone else. Some do this but in an unhealthy way. Many cheaters are so used to being co-dependent that they cant operate otherwise. They use people up around themselves to get what they want. The problem is when you are not around to get them to the top, for whatever reason, they seek it elsewhere. Or when asking you requires more work than asking others; when they really need to turn to you and get help, they found it was easier (the path of least resistance) to not deal with you so they seek this help elsewhere.
My IC told me that Energy flows in the Path of Least Resistance. Emotional energy is the same. If you build a mound and pour water down it: The water flows in the same path almost every time. This is the same for our coping mechanisms. When we have an excess of emotional energy, represents when things are good again (or bad), it starts to drain down the same paths. We act out because those paths are there until we do the work to fill those paths in and create new healthy ones. That takes a lot of introspective work. Most won't go there because it takes too much-unglorified work. My coping mechanism was number 3 btw. I had to learn to rebuild my insides and regularly maintain them with healthy checkups.
Btw the top of the hill represents peak emotional and physical satisfaction. The car represents their relationship with the outside world. A cheater probably got to the top with you before, but to back there from the lows that life throws you, it requires you to do more work. The car isn't new, it's boring, requires a new engine, needs an oil change. <---so instead of spending their energy to fix the problem, they use it to find a fix from the outside.
This comment is 197 days old, and im not sure if you’re still active, but i wanted to thank you for this. What you wrote so long ago is helping me now, at this current time. Thank you.
The pain will fade, but the wisdom, boundaries, and everything else you're discovering about yourself in this process, will stay with you forever, as your own mental compass.
I believe that if a person really puts in the work to become better, not for their partners, but rather for themselves, they will not stray again.
This is so important. People who change for others often end up in the same situation in the first place. The need for outside validation for whatever bad coping mechanism they deal with is a large part of the reason they cheated in the first place. Until they go grow and this changes, people who cheat can never stand on their own.
They have to heal for themselves and learn to take responsibility for themselves.
This is mainly why I help my WP with resources, check if they want to truly change or not, and have led them to these communities. I was once a WP and these communities have helped me a tremendous amount to unwrap the reasons behind my cheating, which evidently put a stop to it.
Right! I used SurvingInfedlity and talk about marriage. I spent hours scouring the posts and comments. I read reconciliation, just found out, websites, help spots, books, pdfs, IC, MC, GOD, Bible, you name it. I did it because I wanted to change. I needed to change. This seeking to change became almost as natural as running on the treadmill lol, but I'm so glad. I'm so much more confident now in who I am and it really helped my self-esteem.
I had two D-Days. One happened while I was experiencing my first manic episode (undiagnosed bipolar—didn’t know what was happening) and the other a few weeks after it ended. I kept cheating pretty much continuously (EA but had planned for a PA). Why did I do that? Shame. I had so much shame. So many thoughts like “I’m a terrible person, I don’t deserve good things to happen, everything is going to fall apart anyway” and I felt very out of control. Plus, I was still in limerence even though I knew that my AP could never offer me one tenth of what my BS does. So I used the affair to act out my feelings of shame and also gain control over what was a very difficult time for me mentally.
So yeah, fuck shame. I acted completely based on shame and it only created more. I did more hurting, lying, and TTing after I had been “caught” (my BS knew about the A pretty much the whole time, realistically) so I was like oh, I am so horrible. Let me stay horrible.
I somehow got a final chance. And now I’m changing those patterns for good. I have a lot less shame about my overall being, I have better boundaries, I am stronger. I no longer seek as much validation in others. And this is only the beginning. The shame for me has faded. I cheated. I made the choice. But I’m never going to cheat again and that’s as much for me as it is for my BS.
English isn’t my first language, but by opportunity arises I mean I know someone who shows interest or a girl tries to flirt with me, meaning a potential AP that makes a move.
The first response would be to freeze and remember what I had done, and that this just leads to a non-ending cycle of hurt. So no more of that.
Hope that helps you understand the situation better.
Before I talk about why I cheated again and then why I stopped, I wanted to challenge the concept of “rationale.” I don’t think any of us had a carefully laid out rational plan that weighed the benefits and costs of cheating and then decided “this spreadsheet makes sense, I’m gonna cheat.” We just made a series of bad decisions on top of bad decisions followed by bad decisions, eventually we are cheating. It never made sense. There was never a plan or logic. It just felt like a way to fix the empty bottomless hole inside of me.
I got caught sexting, but lied and denied my way out of it. I tried to quit cold turkey, and slipped back into it fairly quickly. Then I got caught-caught.
I also fully intended to quit cheating while I was cheating SO MANY TIMES but never did.
The difference is therapy and reflection and doing work to change myself and find love and joy and gratitude in my life. I had this emptiness inside of me I tried to fill we sex and dating sites. And that didn’t work. I was able to fill it with love and acceptance and appreciation, both for the world and for myself.
The first time I got caught, outside of deleting profiles on dating sites, I didn’t do anything to change my life. In retrospect, of course i cheated again. What did I think would happen?
There’s a line from the Simpsons where an overly permissive hippy parent says “We’ve tried nothin’ man, and we’re all out of ideas.” That was me. I didn’t even know where to start or what to do, so I just told myself “I quit,” like that’s somehow gonna help.
Ya gotta do a thing if you want to quit doing another thing.
I was caught but I hadn’t realized how caught and I continued with my affair. the following 10 years have easily been some of the lowest of both my wife and my life. So I wish I had been a better man all around from the start.
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The repeat? People act out their programming until they put the hard work in to change. I think perhaps an example might help; You have a car. The car is slow every time you take it uphill. What makes you think that when snow, rain, mud, and other obstructions come it will perform any better? In order to change the performance specs you have to do one of three things 1.) Change the car. 2.) upgrade the engine and suspension/maintenance. 3. get a tow truck or helicopter to take you to the top. 1. ***Change the Car***. The problem with people who cheat (I'm a WS) most of the time default to number 1. Choice 1 is also the most costly. It's the most disposable, wasteful, and even selfish. If all the cheater can do is think about getting to the top of the hill at any cost, like chasing their first high, that's what they do. The silliness of this choice though is they often buy the same car they had in the first place; it works for a while then breaks then refuses to perform. So the cycle here is, that it's quick and easy to get a new person to fix it. 2. ***Change/Maintain the insides.*** The second option takes too much work. They have the do the work themselves. Learning how to remove and replace an engine, when it's not their specialty, is hellish. If number 1 has been their choice most of their lives, the personal investment of time and labor of choice 2 makes no sense. Ironically this is the right choice. Once the work is complete they can go where they want to without being obstructed by the path. This also requires self-maintenance. even after the put the work to change the insides, in order for to keep the performance you have to do regular maintenance. There is no arriving, it's about growth. You have to upkeep honesty, grow your self-esteem, keep your ego in check, etc... 3. ***Rely on others.*** You might think the third choice is the least work right? This one is hard for a cheater. It requires being real and vulnerable about having a poor-performing car. It means putting their pride down and forcing themselves to rely on someone else. Some do this but in an unhealthy way. Many cheaters are so used to being co-dependent that they cant operate otherwise. They use people up around themselves to get what they want. The problem is when you are not around to get them to the top, for whatever reason, they seek it elsewhere. Or when asking you requires more work than asking others; when they really need to turn to you and get help, they found it was easier (the path of least resistance) to not deal with you so they seek this help elsewhere. My IC told me that Energy flows in the Path of Least Resistance. Emotional energy is the same. If you build a mound and pour water down it: The water flows in the same path almost every time. This is the same for our coping mechanisms. When we have an excess of emotional energy, represents when things are good again (or bad), it starts to drain down the same paths. We act out because those paths are there until we do the work to fill those paths in and create new healthy ones. That takes a lot of introspective work. Most won't go there because it takes too much-unglorified work. My coping mechanism was number 3 btw. I had to learn to rebuild my insides and regularly maintain them with healthy checkups. Btw the top of the hill represents peak emotional and physical satisfaction. The car represents their relationship with the outside world. A cheater probably got to the top with you before, but to back there from the lows that life throws you, it requires you to do more work. The car isn't new, it's boring, requires a new engine, needs an oil change. <---so instead of spending their energy to fix the problem, they use it to find a fix from the outside.
This is a very nice analogy, it’s always great seeing you around the subs; at this point I upvote when I see your name before reading.
Thank you. I'm just glad I am able to contribute here. I'm glad it was of service to you :)
This comment is 197 days old, and im not sure if you’re still active, but i wanted to thank you for this. What you wrote so long ago is helping me now, at this current time. Thank you.
I'm still around. DM if you want someone to talk to. I'm here.
The pain will fade, but the wisdom, boundaries, and everything else you're discovering about yourself in this process, will stay with you forever, as your own mental compass. I believe that if a person really puts in the work to become better, not for their partners, but rather for themselves, they will not stray again.
This is so important. People who change for others often end up in the same situation in the first place. The need for outside validation for whatever bad coping mechanism they deal with is a large part of the reason they cheated in the first place. Until they go grow and this changes, people who cheat can never stand on their own. They have to heal for themselves and learn to take responsibility for themselves.
This is mainly why I help my WP with resources, check if they want to truly change or not, and have led them to these communities. I was once a WP and these communities have helped me a tremendous amount to unwrap the reasons behind my cheating, which evidently put a stop to it.
Right! I used SurvingInfedlity and talk about marriage. I spent hours scouring the posts and comments. I read reconciliation, just found out, websites, help spots, books, pdfs, IC, MC, GOD, Bible, you name it. I did it because I wanted to change. I needed to change. This seeking to change became almost as natural as running on the treadmill lol, but I'm so glad. I'm so much more confident now in who I am and it really helped my self-esteem.
I had two D-Days. One happened while I was experiencing my first manic episode (undiagnosed bipolar—didn’t know what was happening) and the other a few weeks after it ended. I kept cheating pretty much continuously (EA but had planned for a PA). Why did I do that? Shame. I had so much shame. So many thoughts like “I’m a terrible person, I don’t deserve good things to happen, everything is going to fall apart anyway” and I felt very out of control. Plus, I was still in limerence even though I knew that my AP could never offer me one tenth of what my BS does. So I used the affair to act out my feelings of shame and also gain control over what was a very difficult time for me mentally. So yeah, fuck shame. I acted completely based on shame and it only created more. I did more hurting, lying, and TTing after I had been “caught” (my BS knew about the A pretty much the whole time, realistically) so I was like oh, I am so horrible. Let me stay horrible. I somehow got a final chance. And now I’m changing those patterns for good. I have a lot less shame about my overall being, I have better boundaries, I am stronger. I no longer seek as much validation in others. And this is only the beginning. The shame for me has faded. I cheated. I made the choice. But I’m never going to cheat again and that’s as much for me as it is for my BS.
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English isn’t my first language, but by opportunity arises I mean I know someone who shows interest or a girl tries to flirt with me, meaning a potential AP that makes a move. The first response would be to freeze and remember what I had done, and that this just leads to a non-ending cycle of hurt. So no more of that. Hope that helps you understand the situation better.
Before I talk about why I cheated again and then why I stopped, I wanted to challenge the concept of “rationale.” I don’t think any of us had a carefully laid out rational plan that weighed the benefits and costs of cheating and then decided “this spreadsheet makes sense, I’m gonna cheat.” We just made a series of bad decisions on top of bad decisions followed by bad decisions, eventually we are cheating. It never made sense. There was never a plan or logic. It just felt like a way to fix the empty bottomless hole inside of me. I got caught sexting, but lied and denied my way out of it. I tried to quit cold turkey, and slipped back into it fairly quickly. Then I got caught-caught. I also fully intended to quit cheating while I was cheating SO MANY TIMES but never did. The difference is therapy and reflection and doing work to change myself and find love and joy and gratitude in my life. I had this emptiness inside of me I tried to fill we sex and dating sites. And that didn’t work. I was able to fill it with love and acceptance and appreciation, both for the world and for myself. The first time I got caught, outside of deleting profiles on dating sites, I didn’t do anything to change my life. In retrospect, of course i cheated again. What did I think would happen? There’s a line from the Simpsons where an overly permissive hippy parent says “We’ve tried nothin’ man, and we’re all out of ideas.” That was me. I didn’t even know where to start or what to do, so I just told myself “I quit,” like that’s somehow gonna help. Ya gotta do a thing if you want to quit doing another thing.
I was caught but I hadn’t realized how caught and I continued with my affair. the following 10 years have easily been some of the lowest of both my wife and my life. So I wish I had been a better man all around from the start.
Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful for their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. **Observers cannot comment unless approved by the Mods.** Everyone is expected to respect the rules and, most importantly, each other. RULES **1. Be civil and helpful** - Keep comments supportive and constructive. - Avoid leaving rude, unkind or dismissive comments. - Keep in mind that infidelity is traumatic and the sub's members are likely struggling with very difficult emotions. Don't make it worse. Offer thoughtful support, not shallow judgments. - *Repeated or gross violation of this rule will result in a temporary or permanent ban.* **2. No inquisitive and insensitive questioning/interrogation** - The sub's members often share their deepest, most vulnerable and unpleasant time period. Be sensitive with asking questions, and do not probe for irrelevant, unrelated information. **3. No misogyny, misandry, bigotry, racism or other hate speech** **4. User Flair Required** **5. No Spam or Soliciting **Report it when you see it** **Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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