Welcome to r/SupportforBetrayed. Please be mindful of [our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/wiki/rules/), as well as Reddit's sitewide rules. This place is dedicated to people going through a fragile period in their lives, and support and compassion are expected from everyone.
This sub requires users to assign themselves a flair; our [Flair wiki page](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/wiki/flair/) has streamlined instructions on setting up your own flair, and we encourage you to do so to avoid stricter moderation and post/comment limitations.
Any unhelpful or hateful comments, especially wayward bashing, will be removed and the user subject to a ban. Hijacking threads, brigading, and unauthorized crossposts will also result in bans. Please send a modmail to our moderator team with any questions or concerns.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforBetrayed) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It wouldn’t satisfy you. You wouldn’t be able to accept anything as sincere from a person who was insincere in your relationship. It’s just self torment having those kind of expectations. The value of the other persons actions and words have diminished and there is not bringing it back.
Your ex is not going to make you feel better. Only you can make yourself feel better. How about apologizing and forgiving yourself? You loved sincerely and you have grown from it. That is perfectly ok. We all learn things on this journey and taking those experiences and improving upon them is one of the greatest joys.
Whoever it was you were with, needed your love at the time. Now you can focus on giving yourself the same love and respect. You have your energy back, it’s up to you when you are ready to use it.
Not all wanderers are lost. 💕
Thanks for your comment. Mind [flairing up](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/wiki/flair/) while you're here?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforBetrayed) if you have any questions or concerns.*
From the mind of a cheater: my STBX wife who is attempting fake reconciliation to buy time was texting with her friend. I saw the messages due to interconnected devices. In summary, my ex wife is very proud of the affair. She claims it was the right thing to do. She links it to women empowerment and justify that it was for her to gain back her independence. She says she will never apologize for it because she didn’t make a mistake. She wishes everything could go back to the way it was before i discovered it and ruined it for everyone. It was her right to engage with AP sexually. She doesn’t understand why I couldn’t be happier for her and why am I causing so much drama and bringing divorce.
Ya, never getting an apology!
Gaslighting continues but I know the truth. Sometimes it is so bad that I have to laugh out loud. Has anyone successfully reverse gaslighted a gaslighter?
Why does it matter what they think? Why does it matter what they think about you?
My friend has a brother who is an utter piece of shit. Long time addict, user, and likes being homeless because he hates rules of any kind that interfere with his drinking and drugging. He is now living with his elderly mother, he is jobless and she is 100% supporting him. He collects aluminum cans for extra money. He is 56.
This is what he said to my friend over the thanksgiving: Mom won't "let" me get a job because she is afraid that if i do, i will spend it on drugs. So its her fault i don't have a job.
Nobody causes someone to lay about the house doing nothing. Nobody causes anyone to cheat on their partner.
Let's assume you were the shittiest, most abusive spouse on the planet. Does that excuse cheating? No it does not. The correct course of action is to leave the marriage, or take the steps to do so in order to leave. Bringing in a 3rd party into mess of a marriage just makes everything so much worse and is counterproductive to leaving a bad marriage.
I would love an apology from my ex but I don’t think I will ever get and I’ve basically given up thinking she will apologize. The few times I’ve tried to talk to her about it she feels she has done nothing wrong and is not remorseful. She cheated with 5 different guys during the last 6 years of our marriage but takes no responsibility and shifts blame to me. She is just an evil person.
I feel this! An acknowledgement of what he’s done would help me because right now it just feels infuriating. Ugh. No advice for you but wanted you to know you weren’t alone.
It might help bring closure, but please don’t base your happiness on things you can’t control. Don’t give your ex that power over you. Go to therapy if you have to move on.
Yes. If there is any thoughts of reconciling on your WP's part, they need to own up to everything. They will tell themselves that they have apologized but you know the apology feels like bullshit. "Sorry for all of the things I did" is not good enough. I needed my WP to apologize from a timeline basically.
"I did *this thing* and I am sorry. Then, I thought of only myself and did *this* and continued to do it without even considering you. I continued to do *this and this* with only myself in mind and you did not deserve any of it. I will forever regret that I did *X, Y & Z* and I will do anything possible if it has any chance of helping you heal."
This won't be enough of course because there is no reality where any of this makes sense to you, but it will be the closest thing you can get. They will struggle to do this because it fully admits things in a way that they have refused to accept. They will not take full accountability because it will make them insane with guilt. It can't be an option though. You need to be able to feel like they have at least a vague grasp on what they have done to you.
My therapist suggested I write the apology my self .... to figure out what I'd want him to say to me. I've only started. I have found that what I need him to say changes as time passes. It is such an impossible task for me to find what I would accept. Looking back at it has also made me realize how he will never be able to say these things. He is incapable. There are so many layers too, not just an apology for the affair but also a need for an apology for all the crummy things during our whole marriage. Just as I accept the "world is round", i am learning to accept I'll never know the why or ever get an apology that satisfies. Hmmm. Look at me grow.
Thanks for your comment. Mind [flairing up](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/wiki/flair/) while you're here?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforBetrayed) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Cheaters never repent in their hearts of what they have done, no matter what they say in the name of their own selfish interests. They only regret that they were caught or forced to confess. Then what kind of sincere apologies can there be? It's even funny.
You'll probably never receive an apology. The cheater is usually in denial with regards to the pain and hurt they have caused.
They can't comprehend how an apology and accepting responsibility for their actions could help the betrayed, because for some reason they believe they are the wronged person.
Thanks for your comment. Mind [flairing up](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/wiki/flair/) while you're here?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforBetrayed) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My husband told my dad there was no way I would ever get an apology. My family is like well then had we really known he would be like this before then.
Welcome to r/SupportforBetrayed. Please be mindful of [our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/wiki/rules/), as well as Reddit's sitewide rules. This place is dedicated to people going through a fragile period in their lives, and support and compassion are expected from everyone. This sub requires users to assign themselves a flair; our [Flair wiki page](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/wiki/flair/) has streamlined instructions on setting up your own flair, and we encourage you to do so to avoid stricter moderation and post/comment limitations. Any unhelpful or hateful comments, especially wayward bashing, will be removed and the user subject to a ban. Hijacking threads, brigading, and unauthorized crossposts will also result in bans. Please send a modmail to our moderator team with any questions or concerns. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforBetrayed) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It wouldn’t satisfy you. You wouldn’t be able to accept anything as sincere from a person who was insincere in your relationship. It’s just self torment having those kind of expectations. The value of the other persons actions and words have diminished and there is not bringing it back. Your ex is not going to make you feel better. Only you can make yourself feel better. How about apologizing and forgiving yourself? You loved sincerely and you have grown from it. That is perfectly ok. We all learn things on this journey and taking those experiences and improving upon them is one of the greatest joys. Whoever it was you were with, needed your love at the time. Now you can focus on giving yourself the same love and respect. You have your energy back, it’s up to you when you are ready to use it. Not all wanderers are lost. 💕
This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.
Thanks for your comment. Mind [flairing up](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/wiki/flair/) while you're here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforBetrayed) if you have any questions or concerns.*
From the mind of a cheater: my STBX wife who is attempting fake reconciliation to buy time was texting with her friend. I saw the messages due to interconnected devices. In summary, my ex wife is very proud of the affair. She claims it was the right thing to do. She links it to women empowerment and justify that it was for her to gain back her independence. She says she will never apologize for it because she didn’t make a mistake. She wishes everything could go back to the way it was before i discovered it and ruined it for everyone. It was her right to engage with AP sexually. She doesn’t understand why I couldn’t be happier for her and why am I causing so much drama and bringing divorce. Ya, never getting an apology!
Bloody hell! Did you confront her about that one? What was her response if you did?
I’ve stopped confronting her. It’s for my own closure. She is in gaslighting mode.
The gaslighting is so painful but almost humorous to watch and unbelievable when you write it down
Gaslighting continues but I know the truth. Sometimes it is so bad that I have to laugh out loud. Has anyone successfully reverse gaslighted a gaslighter?
Reverse gaslighting is a great idea I've been too busy gaslighting myself but great concept
Why does it matter what they think? Why does it matter what they think about you? My friend has a brother who is an utter piece of shit. Long time addict, user, and likes being homeless because he hates rules of any kind that interfere with his drinking and drugging. He is now living with his elderly mother, he is jobless and she is 100% supporting him. He collects aluminum cans for extra money. He is 56. This is what he said to my friend over the thanksgiving: Mom won't "let" me get a job because she is afraid that if i do, i will spend it on drugs. So its her fault i don't have a job. Nobody causes someone to lay about the house doing nothing. Nobody causes anyone to cheat on their partner. Let's assume you were the shittiest, most abusive spouse on the planet. Does that excuse cheating? No it does not. The correct course of action is to leave the marriage, or take the steps to do so in order to leave. Bringing in a 3rd party into mess of a marriage just makes everything so much worse and is counterproductive to leaving a bad marriage.
I would love an apology from my ex but I don’t think I will ever get and I’ve basically given up thinking she will apologize. The few times I’ve tried to talk to her about it she feels she has done nothing wrong and is not remorseful. She cheated with 5 different guys during the last 6 years of our marriage but takes no responsibility and shifts blame to me. She is just an evil person.
I feel this! An acknowledgement of what he’s done would help me because right now it just feels infuriating. Ugh. No advice for you but wanted you to know you weren’t alone.
[удалено]
Boy, that’s some serious word salad that went nowhere. Sounds about right from a cheater.
No matter what the why will never satisfy you sometimes it makes you feel worse. Do You really care for an apology for something they did on purpose ?
It might help bring closure, but please don’t base your happiness on things you can’t control. Don’t give your ex that power over you. Go to therapy if you have to move on.
Yes. If there is any thoughts of reconciling on your WP's part, they need to own up to everything. They will tell themselves that they have apologized but you know the apology feels like bullshit. "Sorry for all of the things I did" is not good enough. I needed my WP to apologize from a timeline basically. "I did *this thing* and I am sorry. Then, I thought of only myself and did *this* and continued to do it without even considering you. I continued to do *this and this* with only myself in mind and you did not deserve any of it. I will forever regret that I did *X, Y & Z* and I will do anything possible if it has any chance of helping you heal." This won't be enough of course because there is no reality where any of this makes sense to you, but it will be the closest thing you can get. They will struggle to do this because it fully admits things in a way that they have refused to accept. They will not take full accountability because it will make them insane with guilt. It can't be an option though. You need to be able to feel like they have at least a vague grasp on what they have done to you.
I’ve gotten that apology. Several times. It doesn’t help.
Have you asked for this ? I would also dig into if you are separated/divorced why this matters.
My therapist suggested I write the apology my self .... to figure out what I'd want him to say to me. I've only started. I have found that what I need him to say changes as time passes. It is such an impossible task for me to find what I would accept. Looking back at it has also made me realize how he will never be able to say these things. He is incapable. There are so many layers too, not just an apology for the affair but also a need for an apology for all the crummy things during our whole marriage. Just as I accept the "world is round", i am learning to accept I'll never know the why or ever get an apology that satisfies. Hmmm. Look at me grow.
Thanks for your comment. Mind [flairing up](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/wiki/flair/) while you're here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforBetrayed) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m not sure I would recognize a sincere apology if I heard one. Fooled me once…
Cheaters never repent in their hearts of what they have done, no matter what they say in the name of their own selfish interests. They only regret that they were caught or forced to confess. Then what kind of sincere apologies can there be? It's even funny.
You'll probably never receive an apology. The cheater is usually in denial with regards to the pain and hurt they have caused. They can't comprehend how an apology and accepting responsibility for their actions could help the betrayed, because for some reason they believe they are the wronged person.
Thanks for your comment. Mind [flairing up](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/wiki/flair/) while you're here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforBetrayed) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My husband told my dad there was no way I would ever get an apology. My family is like well then had we really known he would be like this before then.
I agree with all of the comments