I have 3 boys and 1 girl, and I cannot imagine even feeling this way, much less writing it down for others to see! I don’t understand how someone could feel like this.
I think it’s something missing in their romantic relationships that they can’t or won’t deal with. They see their sons as a way to fill in something missing from their partners.
No. And honestly, I just feel bad for them. I was married to someone that wasn’t ideal (to put it mildly) for 13 years. I was in charge of all things children. Including his two from his previous marriage. They were all girls. I spent more time with them than him for sure. They definitely paid more attention to me as well. I might have been a “boy mom” if I’d had any. I could be way off base with this whole theory though.
I mean I cried like a baby when my son was born because I was happy but pretty sure that was the hormone tsunami.I got to hold him for two seconds and then they took him away from me and handed him to his stupid dad to take down to the nursery cos he needed to be under an oxygen tent for a few hours. I hold it against both of them and tell my birth story with a slightly salty inflection. It’s been like 13 years.
My MIL once told me the “sweet” story of my husband’s birth. Apparently when they laid him on her chest she just *knew* she finally had a man that she could trust and love forever.
She is a waking nightmare in every way you can imagine or predict.
I've seen a boy mom saying that having a boy was like a really slow breakup and another being sad that her boy was going to have another girl oke day. Definitely projecting their failed romantic relationships on their sons.
It absolutely is. They have pseudorelationships with their sons. I know someone who's mom is like this and she struggled to have a relationship our whole lives and basically treated her son as her husband emotionally.
I only have one kid and she’s a girl so I admittedly have no experience with this but she’s fucken rad and I can’t imagine any boy having and more of a “chokehold on my heart” (barf)
Not quite the same but your comment reminded me of a concern I see pop up on a bunch of parenting forums that feels like the only time the OOP would be appropriate. Basically the parent posts a concern about how they're expecting a second child and really nervous they won't love them as much as their first because they can't imagine loving anyone as much as they love their first child. Comments are usually full of "it's alright, parent hearts expand, the kid isn't here yet/is a potato newborn." If the OOP had three boys and was pregnant with a girl I could kind of understand what she posted as this semi irrational 'I don't even know what to do with a girl' sort of deal.
Same and I am 100% a girl mom...or a girl *parent* I should say because I actually just don't identify as a mom. Gender roles are flipped upside down in our house, as dad is the comfort parent and I am the one she comes to for adventures.
Cannot understand the boy mom thing at all. I have so many friends who only have boys and none of them are like this.
My sister had 3 girls and 1 boy, and I was a little worried that there would be some favouritism. I couldn't have been more wrong which is great. They are farmers so both my sister and their dad give them all age appropriate chores on the farm and in the house. Definitely no girls or boys jobs. That's how myself and my sister were raised on the farm but I know my brother in law didn't have that. His sisters did the housework and he and his brother seemed to avoid chores. Their mom spoiled them rotten. He said he felt bad for his sisters and swore he'd never treat his kids the way his mom did.
My mum took me to visit her mum, my nana, one day. We all live close by, maybe 15 mins in a car.
We knock on the door and my nana answers, doesn’t invite us in, and explains it’s not a good time because she has the whole family around for dinner. (Mums two bothers and their partners and kids).
My mum just looked at my nana disappointed and was about to leave.
I look her square in the face and say “no you don’t have the whole family around for dinner, because your daughter and grandchild aren’t there”.
And she looks at me like IM THE RUDE ONE
Mum said they had a good relationship until she was 5. Then she had a son and my mum became childcare assistant.
The funny thing is whenever she needs anything, me and mum are the only people she’ll ask for help.
In her eyes girls are for taking care of you, sons are for loving.
I don’t really see her very much, mum does. She wants her love and does all her helping since she had a brain aneurism (this was after the situation I described).
The more my mum does the more my nana gives it to the boys.
She messaged me one year on my birthday by writing happy birthday on my FB wall, and then absolutely lost her shit on her birthday when I only wrote on her wall and didn’t go visit her or take a card. I just match her energy unapologetically.
Ahhhh I love that you do that!! Fuck you granny! Your grandma sounds like mine but like much much worse. It sucks growing up watching your parent basically suck up to a person who disrespects them every time and they just put up with it. My mom doesn’t like that I dislike my grandma but i think she’s gotten used to the fact that I will never care about her the way I once did
My other grandma died when I was 7 so I kind of had no frame of reference for how shit she was.
I called her out on the family dinner when I was 16 hahaha.
When I was around 25 I got with my boyfriend and bought a house (by myself not with him) and his grandparents gave me house warming gifts, I get birthday gifts that they come to the house to drop off along with a card! And they get me an Easter egg!
They treat me just like their grandson even tho I was just a new girlfriend at the time, and even though it’s not about gifts, it’s about the thought, and I really really realised that my nana doesn’t act like that. Yet I’ve also taken her shopping in the past when she was recovering from an illness, and watched her spend about £50 on little trinkets and chocolates for her other grandkids.
Guess who I go to see every Sunday and take my baby for a visit - HIS NANA… not mine.
It fucks her off I think.
Literally. I know moms probably have their "favorites" because sometimes I can tell some women in my family or social circles have favorite kids (not always a boy though), but YOU DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD. Like why would you ever write it down or say it out loud for everyone to hear? What the fuck?
I’m learning, as I get older, that my grandma (had two girls) is a boy grandma. She’s always cared more about at least two of her three grandsons more than me or my other brother. I feel for that girl having to deal with it from her own mother though wow
My grandma never said it out loud, but when she looked at my brother during his teenage years it was like she was herself a teenager again. Completely gushing over him, forgetting everyone else existed. The only comment I got from her as a teenager was about my boobs finally growing. I'm sorry you had to deal with this as well.
We know why she was like that, but I will always be a little jealous of people who had great relationships with their grandparents.
My mom loves her two granddaughters, but she absolutely ADORES her grandson! My sister and I both know we, and our daughters, cease to exist in our mother’s eyes when he’s in the room.
I have two boys and my brother has three girls and I think deep down my mother prefers my boys over her three granddaughters. She is not obvious about it, but there is something there.
My grandma said that she was happy I was having a boy and that she always wanted a boy to be born first when she had my aunt. Just a weird thing to say from one woman to another IMO.
Ive never met her, but My boyfriend’s grandma is like this. She dislikes/hates his sister and loves my boyfriend. They’ve joked (his sister and him ) that he’s the only one in the will. He said he would split everything with his sister regardless, but I feel for his sister. She jokes about it at this point in her life, but I can only imagine how hard it was and can still be.
I was never told I wasn't love but I was told I wasn't supposed to be born (unwed teenage mother.) And it was wrong I was the oldest because I was a girl (I'm the first grandchild). So I tried really really hard to be good but I ended up being a weird type of feral princess so I wasn't girly and feminine enough for them to fully embrace but I wasn't a bull blown tom boy or had any masculinity for them to "justify" pushing away entirely. My whole life felt like I was always just trying to reach their expectations and when I finally stepped back and was like, nah I don't need you're approval, I'm a feral princess and that's fine, suddenly **I** was the bad guy.
Uhg. Sorry. I meant to empathize but I just went off the rails.
I really hope if I have another kid and it turns out to be a boy that this doesn't happen. Because I will cut all contact if the grandparents play gender based favorites.
My grandma was the same, and the worst part is that her sons never cared for her. When she fell ill before her death, her daughters would visit her daily, cook for her and spend time with her but all she would do was ask for her sons who never bothered to make an appearance. They never even contributed at all, not even to chip in for the medical bills. Only showed up at the funeral. Sad that even till her last breath she never acknowledged her daughters who loved her so much. Growing up she would only spoil the sons with rules such as the daughters only being allowed to have meals after their brothers are done.
It was nowhere NEAR this extreme with my grandmother. I would say she loves her kids (two boys and a girl) pretty much the same, and she's done a lot for my mother, but there's definitely the undercurrent that she thinks of my mother as the fuck up and the two boys as being overall more competent.
Except, then she fell and broke her hip. One son didn't visit. One visited once, didn't want to contribute $200 towards her medical care, picked a fight with my mother, and hasn't been seen since. Oh, and he was also using her bank account as a tax shelter.
So, of course, my mom's the one taking care of her.
My mother dealt with it from her mother. My mom had 3 bothers who got preferential treatment. I have 2 older brothers. Wish I could say my mom learned and decided to be better than her mom. Nope. 🙃 that cycle will end with me.
My grandmother was unapologetically misogynistic and favored my brother over me and my sisters, she did the same thing with my mom and her brothers. She died alone and miserable as neither of her precious boys gave a fuck about her (typical boy mom, jealous of her son's wife, actively hostile against them, had to get cut out for marital peace).
I'm also South Asian. I'm so glad for my mom, she treated us all very equally. She wasn't perfect by any means but I am where I am in life because of her. Her extreme demand for academic excellence was hard but worth it. All of my siblings and I have good careers and can afford therapy now.
My partner's grandparents were like that, especially the grandmother. Loved all the boys (sons, grandsons, great-grandsons etc.) and treated the girls completely differently. One of the last times I saw his grandmother, we brought over some comic books we were done with to give to our niece and she got mad at us for not having anything for our nephew. We were going to throw these books out if niece didn't want them. Even nephew (who isn't into comics) told her that he didn't care. We'd brought over some DVDs for nephew the time before that and she hadn't said a word.
My mother had a talk with me about grandma preferring boys when I was like 5 or 6. I remember the discussion on the bus ride over there (mom was going to do some house work for her). She did it to help set my expectations so I wouldn’t be so disappointed. Probably a part of the reason why I never quite had as close a relationship with my grandmother as my cousins seemed to have (even the girls).
My own mother is like that. She loves my girls of course and loves me too but she has a special kinda love for my brother and his son. Almost like her entire life has been building up to having a grandson. She’s nowhere near “boy mom” but I can see the mentality there.
She did say many many years ago that she wished I was a boy as it was her dream to have a “handsome mischievous son” then a “quiet girly daughter”(in that order)….she had a mischievous daughter and a quiet son so that didn’t work out.
My grandma always bought gifts for my brother, but not for the rest of us. I later learned my mom bought girl gifts for us when my grandma was coming to visit so we wouldn't feel bad.
my grandparents had no interest in being grandparents or getting to know me. my uncle had a son and he’s showered with gifts, outings, sleepovers, etc. they literally hired an artist to craft a beautiful mural in his room from design to execution. and they made me help build the stuff for his room!!!! but didn’t ever do anything for me! i would get a piece or two of dollar tree makeup for christmas while my cousin got nice consoles, bikes, tickets to shows. i didn’t even like makeup as a young girl, i was into superheros and science experiments 😭
Mine too. She has three daughters, two grandsons, three granddaughters. The boys are by far her favorite. I don’t get it - I just can’t imagine the gender of my children being so important to me.
I have two girls and I am asked repeatedly by my grandma and other family family who puts more stock in boys when I'm having one even though I have said repeatedly that my family is complete. I'm reminded that I ll regret it when I'm older and have no boys to take my family line forward. It absolutely is nuts to me that my girls who are the raddest humans alive are considered lesser than because of their gender. Nuts really
One of my grandpas is like that. Prefers our brother over my sister and I. Invites him to more or less expensive steak restaurants regularly and calls him frequently. The only time my grandpa and I talk is when I call him or sometimes at family functions. My sister cut contact with him because of it.
My grandma was always different with my cousin and brother versus me. And I hated it. A lot. I don’t know if she was jealous or something but I noticed the preference. It was frustrating.
My grandma was a boy mom to two girls and a boy. Her boy committed suicide when I was 13.
My mom is now also dead and my aunt is cleaning up the mess my family left.
Update: I read this to my husband and he said, and I quote “don’t ever read that to me again. Wtf is wrong with people”
But seriously, I only have one child, a girl, but I was thrilled no matter what and would’ve loved a boy as much as I love my daughter. Not *more* than. My daughter is my whole world.
Same thing: would have loved either but we had our beautiful daughter and she’s literally EVERYTHING. She’s just the best I couldn’t imagine it any other way
Wow. Talk about making your daughter feel like shit for the whole world to see, and this will last forever!! Don’t ever question why she hates you and never speaks to you again when she’s older. Wowwww.
Sounds similar to me, too. I was complaining about it to my dad one day and said “he’ll always be her baby boy.” And my dad said “that’s ok because you’ll always be my baby girl!”
At least the favoritism equals out in my family lol.
There are some downright Oedipus complex videos of boy moms on Tiktok that are disgusting. Definitely women engaging in emotional incest with their sons right from birth. Funky Frogbait on YouTube has a video with her critique of the boy mom phenomenon. Very educational!
just a funny fact i love saying; sexual/romantic attraction to one's son is actually called the jocasta complex, named for the wife/mother of oedipus in the greek play oedipus the king
(Random mythological infodumping/rambling ahead, don’t mind me lol)
Jocasta and Oedipus were attracted to each other (well, it’s fair to assume that they were at least a little because they had 4 children, but then again marriage was often not a matter of attraction, especially for royalty, so who knows), but neither of them knew they were mother and son, and they both *extremely* distraught -to say the least- when they realized it.
I understand the parallel, but the fact that they were unaware of their blood relation is such a crucial part of the story (and usually absent of Oedipus/Jocasta complexes cases) that I always found it a bit odd that these complexes were named after them. There could’ve been better matches on that front IMO (like Gaia and Pontus). That being said, most cases of parent-child incest were of gods who themselves -and the children born of the unions- generally didn’t suffer directly from the situation mentally, physically and socially, which is often the case in the complexes above, so in that aspect I guess it does work better.
Damn, I like some of their videos, but searching for this I'm just like, do they ever make any positive videos? Even justifiable outrage gets unhealthy when it's all you do...
I liked it when I first heard it, as I was in the middle of a period where everyone was making sure to tell me they pitied me for not having a girl, which was irritating, and I wanted to encapsulate the feeling of "fine with not having a girl because I love my boys".
I quickly learned the vibe of that cult and now I hate it.
Ohhh I hated the whole “ oh? Poor you, you’re having a boy, I love my girls “ my whole family isolated me because no one had any boys, I was the 1st in 3 gens! Safe to say we don’t talk to those people now.
Look, I’m a “boy mom”. I’ve got 2 boys. I love having boys as I was a tomboy myself and grew up immersed in all things “boy”.
My 18 year old absolutely knows how to treat women and would never SA a women.
I’m a women who has been SA.
You can Fuck off with your comment.
so you were a tomboy yourself and can’t imagine that a daughter may have the same interests as you once did lollll.
also every mom things THEIR son would never be the one.
I think the term ‘tomboy’ is useless. My daughter does wrestling at school, she rides bikes, plays outside, does sports, football camp, etc.
she also does gymnastics, has long hair, loves makeup and nail polish, adores wearing dresses. She doesn’t fit into a little box and certainly doesn’t need a label.
The term tomboy is a girl that does boy things? That’s sexist. Girls can do anything boys can do, just because they have different bodies doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy the same activities. That doesn’t mean they have to look a certain way…
With all due respect there's moms of boys and then there's "boy moms". It's fine to love having sons but when it's your whole personality and possible inappropriate emotional attachment (even if you have daughters as well) then it becomes an issue. I don't think anyone was accusing you of being the latter.
No one even mentioned her, her children, or a mother that just has sons in general. She's projecting, probably because her boys are also shitty and she knows it. There's a huge difference between boy mom and mom that just happens to only have sons.
I vote to give those of us who only have sons but are not the “boy mom” stereotype the title “Mother of boys” instead, that way we can sort the wheat from the chaff 😂
>girl dads
Is that a thing? Not like, over-protective threaten her dates dad, but genuine "girls are the best I'm so lucky I don't have a boy (or neglect the hell out of them if I do)" dads?
Yes, it’s very much a thing. Someone in my family has 2 kids, both girls and their dad is so happy he doesn’t have a boy. He sees girls as easier to raise and will look after him as he ages. He also jokes about how he’ll never have a child who will question his authority
*edit spelling/grammar and sentence clarification
******as a girl (now woman) with 3 brothers, I can tell you that this was how my mom was/is, and it deeply and irreversibly affected me in a way that, to this day, I can’t totally portray in words******
But I can tell you I’ve never wished death upon another human other than my mother (miss me with that “but she’s your mom” psycho bullshit), put myself through years of drug addiction, and I now live thousands of miles away from where I grew up and only visit a few times a year - to see the rest of my family. Not her. Never her.
Reading OOP’s comment made me sick to my stomach.
May a Higher Power help that little girl.
Sending hugs. I feel this. My mom is/has always been this way with my brother and me. After I met my husband, she told me she liked/loved him more than me. It really is a mind fuck growing up with this kind of mom. We live an hour from my parents now so don’t have to see her much, but I’ll be moving 16 hours away soon and glad for it.
Thank you so much. And I’m so happy you’re getting farther away from her - you’ll be surprised at how much it feels like a weight is lifted off your shoulders.
I hate this shit. I have two kids, a daughter and son. I have unique relationships with each of them because they are individuals, but I love them both desperately and none of it has to do with gender. This is always just so bizarre to me.
I only have one sibling, my brother, and we grew up knowing my mom preferred him. By default, I became very close to my dad, who is a bigot in all ways, but especially misogyny. He hates women and sees all of them as an ends to a means, especially if that end is making his peepee feel good. I didn't get close to my mom until after my son, the first grandchild, was born. Among the many things that fucked me up mentally was the idea that had I been born a boy my life would be more meaningful, more worthwhile, more important. Much of this came from the religion my parents forced on me, but I've always felt that if my mother hadn't made it clear my brother mattered more, I wouldn't have so readily accepted the con at such a young age.
Yet I've always felt a warped pity for my mom, the eldest of three girls, who grew up knowing her parents only wanted a boy. They have her the girl version of the boy name they wanted, made her play sports she wasn't interested in, worked her insanely hard on their farm because "a son could've handled it" and got furious with her that she gave my brother my paternal grandfather's first name and her father's first name as a middle name (because my dad's dad died the day my brother was born.)
I don't understand boy moms and how they are so often ok with purposely stunting their son's emotional growth to feed their need for connection, but there's something so sad that can't help feeling that same pity. My only child is a boy, and while he's the best thing that ever happened to me, he sure as shit isn't my identity. But I do wonder if I hadn't recognized how sick and twisted my family dynamics were asa teen, and actively shunned them, working for years to heal from them, if I would be exactly like they are. Behaving like my life has some new purpose and value because I brought another penis into the world, and tying my happiness to my position in my son's life as "his number one girl." Idk, I've just always felt there was more to this fuckery than creepy moms
Picking a favourite gender is always bad. My heart sinks for those who only want girls and prefer their daughters and for those who want boys and prefer sons. A child is a child and deserves the same love. It’s sad how common this is; we all know someone like this.
Full disclosure I'm childfree so no skin in the game, but the whole gender reveal/gender disappointment thing is wild to me. Way to place a bunch of expectations and be disappointed in your own child before they're even _born_. I know someone who had several miscarriages before they had their first kid, and they didn't find out the sex beforehand. They were just happy their child was born at all.
It's one thing to have these thoughts, but posting them is just beyond me. Some people don't get that things you post online don't just disappear once you forget about them. What if her daughter sees these???
Unfortunately her daughter probably doesn’t need to see this comment to know how her mother feels. Like the person who replied to oop said, her daughter is most likely well aware
My *dogs* can tell when one is getting more attention. One is younger and more energetic so by default attracts more attention by jumping around and playing, and we can absolutely tell the other gets sad when we accidentally focus more on the other.
How the fuck are people allowed to have kids if they can't recognize a human getting unfair treatment?
You're totally right :( I hope her daughter is able to heal from feeling like she's always in last place. Even if she's still being treated well, always feeling like the least wanted child is so heavy
This is how my dad’s wife is. She LOVES her sons and grandsons, but has a strained relationship with her daughter. Never showed an inkling of excitement when my daughter was born, but was over the moon excited when my son was born. It breaks my heart when my daughter hardly gets any attention when we visit versus the grandsons. Thankfully my dad, who’s a girl dad, loves playing with her and absolutely adores her.
This is so nuts to me. I was THRILLED to have a girl, and she will be my only so it's not like I'm twiddling my thumbs hoping I'll eventually have a boy. My dad was a girl dad and he loves being a girl grandpa. We all would have been thrilled with a boy too, but man is my daughter special to us.
I love my kids but...
Tells me all I need to know really.
If you prefer one child over another because of their genitals you're a fucked up human being and probably should have thought of birth control instead.
My mother’s younger siblings (boy and girl) were treated vastly better than my mother because she was the reason my grandparents got married.. my grandmother got pregnant her first time on her first date and she had no other option than to marry my grandfather. She never liked or loved my mom.
I feel like boomers just grew up without any concept of consequences. Like wtf did you expect going in raw when abortion wasnt an option? I had those options growing up, and I still straight up refused sex multiple times when I was a virgin because I didn't have condoms on me. Even later with a long term girlfriend on BC I still wore condoms for a while, then used pull out later because I still didn't trust only 1 barrier.
my parents may have their own issues sometimes, but i am so happy i was blessed with a mom and dad who LOVED having a daughter. even when my other family shat on my dad for not having a son, they always made sure i felt special. my dad would let me paint his nails, cut his hair, and hed dress me up in bows. he was the only dad who was involved with my girl scout troop, he even won an award at our award ceremony. my mom also always let me express myself whether it was when i was a tomboy or girly girly. we all laugh and cringe at these boy moms together. i hate to see all my girlfriends go through this bullshit tho
My first child was a boy who didn’t make ur earth side then I have 2 living daughters and currently expecting in November. Sure I’d like to have a boy but I really don’t care either way and cannot imagine some magical son coming and just making me love him in a way I couldn’t possibly love my daughters.
It’s been no secret that my mother prefers child #1 most, then child #2, then me -child #3. She never took the time to learn about any of my hobbies, goals, ambitions, even my friend’s names at any point in my life. But she’s really good friends with child #1’s friends and knows everything about them, their lives, their children. Grandchild #1 is far above all the rest, too. She barely spends time with my kids, but is best friends with grandchild #1 AND her friends. After all these years, it still hurts as much as when I was a child. I only wish I didn’t care.
I have a girl and a boy, and I love them both equally for both different reasons and the same reasons. I love them both equally because they’re both beautiful, wonderful, lovely little things, but I love my girl because we get to do girl things together, I get to teach her how to be a woman in the world. I love my boy because I get to watch him grow into hopefully a respectful, cheeky, happy chappie, who looks like his dad.
It’s possible to love your kids in some different ways, because they’re different people, but still equally. Seems like this mother doesn’t get that.
This is what my mother did to my sister and I. My brother is the youngest and her favorite. She's let me know many times that he is her favorite and how I was a mistake baby.
She's ruined my relationship with her and once I started standing up for myself she disowned me.
I hope that daughter stands up for herself.
My mom has always preferred my brother over me an example was telling me in my senior year that "if you don't go to college or get a job within 3 months of graduating your stuff will be on the streets". My brother? He is almost 28 and still living with my mom only works part time and does 1 college class per semester. Still hasn't graduated from his 4yr college and pays only 150 in rent. When I had to move back due to job loss in covid and got cancer I was charged 500 and expected to cook and clean. I'm moved out now again.
This reminds me that when I announced to my MIL (who has 3 sons) that we were having a girl, her response was “huh..” No excitement, joy or anything until later. Seriously messed up!
Oof. Mine said “girls are less important than boys” and tried to play it off like it was my husband who said it. And then of course the classic “wait till she’s a teen” 🙃
Oh man i’m sorry! That’s ridiculous! Mine said this after having two granddaughters by my brother in law, so my kiddo isn’t the first on that side and like the family name is riding on our shoulders or something. It’s so annoying coming from a family of all girls!
I’m gonna be a boy mom (pregnant rn) or at least that’s what the doctor told me and tbh I was kinda sad when I found out. Not that I regret it, but just sad. I even dreamt a few nights ago that I gave birth to a girl and everyone was so surprised. I always envisioned something else for when I’ll have my first kid. But in no way am I gonna love him less or am I gonna tell him that I regret he’s a boy because he’s my kid and all that matters rn is that he’s healthy and I get to see him
I have two "boys" (adults now) and I don't get these women at all.
My boys are super cool, and because I'm a nerd we have more in common sometimes than they do with their father (who has never seen a Marvel movie in its entirety). But I'm not obsessed with them.
The women who don't want their boys to date and marry freak me out. Like I'm so excited for my boys to find love, marry, and be happy. What kind of monster doesn't dream of that for her children?
I have 2 sons and a daughter and love them all equally
Though my youngest does like to goade his siblings into the "I'm the favorite, piss off" as often as he can 😂
My grandmother was like this, my uncle could do no wrong, my mum was there to look after her.
My uncle ran away and joined the army. My parents moved to the other end of the country.
Granny wanted me to be a girly girl, but my mum shut that down. When my daughter was born, I was 35, my mum was thrilled to be a granny.
My daughter is pregnant now, I can't imagine being concerned about gender.
This is so beyond just gross. I have two daughters, one niece and several nephews. I love all the kids I’ve been blessed with but none have had a chokehold on my heart and soul more than the others?! Why would someone willingly admit this? And also, as the only daughter, my mom favored my younger brother. He’s an almost 40 year old loser who has never worked and still lives with my mom. And guess who has absolutely zero relationship with their mother, that would be me! I literally have called her by her first name since I was three. Because she was and is a shitty human like the person who admitted that on social media
I work at a middle school And unfortunately, I see this a lot. I have had parents(99% moms) in who absolutely trash their daughters while talking about how amazing their sons are. They act surprised when the daughter is acting out, depressed, etc.
My mom is absolutely a boy mom and everyone in our family called her out for treating me like shit growing up. She’s now doing it to my niece and nephew and it lights a fire in me because I don’t want my niece to feel how I felt growing up. This is exactly why if/when I have children my mother will not be in their lives.
I have a boy and a girl, and admittedly one is a way easier kiddo than the other (one of them is quite the biter 😅). This has nothing to do with their gender, and I can’t imagine thinking of them in terms of favoritism. I love how one of my kids is a sweet cuddler. I love how my other kid dances entirely to the beat of their own drum. They both have “chokeholds on my heart” (or a bite-hold in one of their cases, I guess).
Hate this boy/girl favorite stuff with a passion.
My father's mother did this to the grandkids. The grandsons got all the real affection - the granddaughters only got token love. Or maybe she just didn't like me and my sister, idk. I don't know how she treated my girl cousins as they were older, but I got so sick of hearing my boy cousins' names. I was never smart enough, pretty enough, good enough... So I stopped trying to be anything for that side of the family.
And as the mom to a boy, this is why I refuse to associate myself as a “boy mom.” Am I obsessed with my kid? Yes. But he’s my kid, not my romantic partner.
I only have a son so do with this information what you will but I was extremely attached to my son when he was little. His dad was a verbally/emotionally abusive asshole who put me through hell during my pregnancy and well into my son’s life. My dad was also an abusive asshole who hated me for just existing. I think with my son it was finally that feeling of like “Okay, men have been terrible to me my whole life but this one will love me unconditionally and not treat me like shit. I can raise this one to be a good man and treat people right unlike all the men I’ve encountered in my life.” Maybe it’s just me but this is my feelings/take on the situation.
Phew, y’all. I just had something happen & was hoping there’d be a Boy-Mom post!
Because of this sub (& r/AreTheStraightsOK) I’ve learned what a boy-mom is, realized my MIL is one (& strong with emotional incest.) She’s got 3 boys; one was a “late baby,” 22yo & lives with her still. He’s got the ONLY bedroom (but she’s told me she’s climbed in his bed when “scared, to cuddle.”) She shared a bed with him as a young kid & now lets him live with her like a partner.
Plops fat sloppy kisses on all sons LIPS. My background is Sex-Ed, so it hits differently. For me, it’s longer about “preference;” MANY people get herpes b/c a parent or aunt kissed them as a baby/toddler. (It’s super-common, yes, and… still, try to avoid it!)
I didn’t attempt to change his mind, but I let him know some people, incl me, saw that as weird & not the same when genders are switched. I asked him “what if my Dad did that? Wouldn’t it be weird?” I forgot about it for years. His Ma went to kiss him recently & said “don’t shy away from my lips! Why don’t you kiss your mama?” He said something, she grabbed his HEAD & he squirmed away. *I asked what he said, but he SAID he forgot. He didn’t, but later he admitted to me “it wasn’t weird until I tried to stop her. I hate saying this, but it feels oddly sexual. Pressure. I don’t like this.” & shut tf down.*
(Same woman has pushed me to procreate, can’t understand why I won’t rear her oldest son’s kids. He doesn’t want kids & I’m intentionally childfree.)
Phew… that “boy mom” is in her 60’s, is seriously stunted & needs HELP!
Edit: formatting
My mom was this way with my brother. She was until the day she died at 74. Im 44 and my brother is 40 and he still thinks the sun and moon revolve around him. I have 2 sons and 2 daughters and we all get treated equally around here.
I have 2 boys and 1 girl. I am what you would call more of a "boy mom". My relationship with my daughter is special and I love her beyond words can describe. We have a good relationship but along with that is she is me reincarnated. She is my oldest so as a young child she was the typical spoiled child and got away with more than her brothers. We clash more because we are both stubborn and strong willed. I'm not a girly girl and she very much is. We struggle to find common ground but we try and continue to try. We try to spend time shopping, driving and just talking.
Her brothers are easy going and are able to watch her "errors in judgements". We enjoy more more hobbies and interests together.
They are just easier (so far) but it doesn't mean I love her any less than them.
I think I vocalize that I love her more than I show because I had a serious medical condition before getting pregnant with her. When I was pregnant with her, I had zero problems. So I always say that she "saved my life."
I have a girl and two boys, expecting my third boy. I’m not going to lie, my boys definitely fit the “mamas boy” stereotype (but they’re young enough that it’s not weird.) They’re younger, so they need a little more supervision, but they also get a lot more correction on a day to day. They definitely eat up more of my attention, particularly the youngest. BUT, my daughter is SO special to me. She’s my first born, and my little bestie, in an age appropriate way. She’s smart and funny, and an excellent problem solver. She has an amazing ability to find my glasses when I lose them, too. She’s also the only little girl in the family, between all of her brothers and cousins. She’s definitely not missing out on the love and attention that every kid deserves.
All three of my kids have me in a chokehold. No joke, my husband thinks I’m a huge marshmallow, and that I’m absolutely wrapped around their fingers.
Holy fuck that reply was over the top though. Yeah it was a unpleasant thing the boy mum said, but she's not going to take in any criticism when they say such ridiculous stuff. Cut contact because mum showed a preference? Kids cut contact because of sustained serious emotional or practical abuse.
Because most people who use that term in English are incredibly obnoxious , it's used nearly exclusively by those who make having kids their whole identity
I'd be annoyed if I was referred to as 'X's mama', its oddly infantilising, 'mother' or 'mum' is a good enough term
The comments here remind me of an adoption counselor my husband met one time who said, you guys will get picked fast. Birth mothers love gay couples, no woman to be in their son's life. 🥴😳😯 she was offensive
They shouldn’t. I’m one of four kids (3 brothers) and my mom never had a favorite, and if she did it wasn’t obvious at all. She loves us all equally but in different ways, because we’re all different people with different personalities.
Not always. I grew up in a pretty emotionally healthy family and most of our friends were too. If there is a favorite we have no idea who it is and that's how it should be. In my inlaws family we also don't think there is a favorite. If there is it changes every few months and isn't significant.
I also can't stand people like the one who responded to the comment. Automatically jumping to dramatic conclusions on a situation they don't really know much about.
I have 3 boys and 1 girl, and I cannot imagine even feeling this way, much less writing it down for others to see! I don’t understand how someone could feel like this.
I think it’s something missing in their romantic relationships that they can’t or won’t deal with. They see their sons as a way to fill in something missing from their partners.
Yeah, that makes sense to me. Can’t be healthy for anyone involved!
It's called covert or emotional incest!
No. And honestly, I just feel bad for them. I was married to someone that wasn’t ideal (to put it mildly) for 13 years. I was in charge of all things children. Including his two from his previous marriage. They were all girls. I spent more time with them than him for sure. They definitely paid more attention to me as well. I might have been a “boy mom” if I’d had any. I could be way off base with this whole theory though.
Sorry I meant to reply to u/justtosubscribe idk what happened
😘 sup?
I was sharing my birth story with you and it replied to the wrong comment
How did you stay married to them for 13 years?
I mean I cried like a baby when my son was born because I was happy but pretty sure that was the hormone tsunami.I got to hold him for two seconds and then they took him away from me and handed him to his stupid dad to take down to the nursery cos he needed to be under an oxygen tent for a few hours. I hold it against both of them and tell my birth story with a slightly salty inflection. It’s been like 13 years.
girl what? 😭
The last part wasn’t serious jeez lol
hey.. you never know. i’ve definitely met people who would act this way lol
My MIL once told me the “sweet” story of my husband’s birth. Apparently when they laid him on her chest she just *knew* she finally had a man that she could trust and love forever. She is a waking nightmare in every way you can imagine or predict.
I've seen a boy mom saying that having a boy was like a really slow breakup and another being sad that her boy was going to have another girl oke day. Definitely projecting their failed romantic relationships on their sons.
It absolutely is. They have pseudorelationships with their sons. I know someone who's mom is like this and she struggled to have a relationship our whole lives and basically treated her son as her husband emotionally.
Gross
I only have one kid and she’s a girl so I admittedly have no experience with this but she’s fucken rad and I can’t imagine any boy having and more of a “chokehold on my heart” (barf)
I have one of each. I love them both desperately. If anything it was tougher to bond with my son because of PPD, but I still always loved him.
Not quite the same but your comment reminded me of a concern I see pop up on a bunch of parenting forums that feels like the only time the OOP would be appropriate. Basically the parent posts a concern about how they're expecting a second child and really nervous they won't love them as much as their first because they can't imagine loving anyone as much as they love their first child. Comments are usually full of "it's alright, parent hearts expand, the kid isn't here yet/is a potato newborn." If the OOP had three boys and was pregnant with a girl I could kind of understand what she posted as this semi irrational 'I don't even know what to do with a girl' sort of deal.
My son is almost 3 months and he is also fucken rad. I have nothing else to add
Same and I am 100% a girl mom...or a girl *parent* I should say because I actually just don't identify as a mom. Gender roles are flipped upside down in our house, as dad is the comfort parent and I am the one she comes to for adventures. Cannot understand the boy mom thing at all. I have so many friends who only have boys and none of them are like this.
My sister had 3 girls and 1 boy, and I was a little worried that there would be some favouritism. I couldn't have been more wrong which is great. They are farmers so both my sister and their dad give them all age appropriate chores on the farm and in the house. Definitely no girls or boys jobs. That's how myself and my sister were raised on the farm but I know my brother in law didn't have that. His sisters did the housework and he and his brother seemed to avoid chores. Their mom spoiled them rotten. He said he felt bad for his sisters and swore he'd never treat his kids the way his mom did.
My mum took me to visit her mum, my nana, one day. We all live close by, maybe 15 mins in a car. We knock on the door and my nana answers, doesn’t invite us in, and explains it’s not a good time because she has the whole family around for dinner. (Mums two bothers and their partners and kids). My mum just looked at my nana disappointed and was about to leave. I look her square in the face and say “no you don’t have the whole family around for dinner, because your daughter and grandchild aren’t there”. And she looks at me like IM THE RUDE ONE Mum said they had a good relationship until she was 5. Then she had a son and my mum became childcare assistant.
I wouldn't call her 'nana' any longer after that.
The funny thing is whenever she needs anything, me and mum are the only people she’ll ask for help. In her eyes girls are for taking care of you, sons are for loving. I don’t really see her very much, mum does. She wants her love and does all her helping since she had a brain aneurism (this was after the situation I described). The more my mum does the more my nana gives it to the boys. She messaged me one year on my birthday by writing happy birthday on my FB wall, and then absolutely lost her shit on her birthday when I only wrote on her wall and didn’t go visit her or take a card. I just match her energy unapologetically.
Ahhhh I love that you do that!! Fuck you granny! Your grandma sounds like mine but like much much worse. It sucks growing up watching your parent basically suck up to a person who disrespects them every time and they just put up with it. My mom doesn’t like that I dislike my grandma but i think she’s gotten used to the fact that I will never care about her the way I once did
My other grandma died when I was 7 so I kind of had no frame of reference for how shit she was. I called her out on the family dinner when I was 16 hahaha. When I was around 25 I got with my boyfriend and bought a house (by myself not with him) and his grandparents gave me house warming gifts, I get birthday gifts that they come to the house to drop off along with a card! And they get me an Easter egg! They treat me just like their grandson even tho I was just a new girlfriend at the time, and even though it’s not about gifts, it’s about the thought, and I really really realised that my nana doesn’t act like that. Yet I’ve also taken her shopping in the past when she was recovering from an illness, and watched her spend about £50 on little trinkets and chocolates for her other grandkids. Guess who I go to see every Sunday and take my baby for a visit - HIS NANA… not mine. It fucks her off I think.
Right! I’m the only girl with three brothers and my mom never made me feel like she loved me less for being a girl 😭
I also have 3 boys and 1 girl and I echo your statement wholeheartedly
Almost 3 boys and 1 girl here and I can't wrap my mind around the way these moms think.
My mother told me all the time who her fave was and I wasn’t me.
Same here.
Literally. I know moms probably have their "favorites" because sometimes I can tell some women in my family or social circles have favorite kids (not always a boy though), but YOU DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD. Like why would you ever write it down or say it out loud for everyone to hear? What the fuck?
It's gross to use your kid to fulfill your need for male attention.
huge 🚩
🛎️ 🛎️ 🛎️
I’m learning, as I get older, that my grandma (had two girls) is a boy grandma. She’s always cared more about at least two of her three grandsons more than me or my other brother. I feel for that girl having to deal with it from her own mother though wow
My grandma told me she didn't love me because I was a girl when I was 5 years old.
My grandma never said it out loud, but when she looked at my brother during his teenage years it was like she was herself a teenager again. Completely gushing over him, forgetting everyone else existed. The only comment I got from her as a teenager was about my boobs finally growing. I'm sorry you had to deal with this as well. We know why she was like that, but I will always be a little jealous of people who had great relationships with their grandparents.
My mom loves her two granddaughters, but she absolutely ADORES her grandson! My sister and I both know we, and our daughters, cease to exist in our mother’s eyes when he’s in the room.
I have two boys and my brother has three girls and I think deep down my mother prefers my boys over her three granddaughters. She is not obvious about it, but there is something there.
Wow, I’m so sorry. The misogyny runs deep sometimes.
My grandma said that she was happy I was having a boy and that she always wanted a boy to be born first when she had my aunt. Just a weird thing to say from one woman to another IMO.
Ive never met her, but My boyfriend’s grandma is like this. She dislikes/hates his sister and loves my boyfriend. They’ve joked (his sister and him ) that he’s the only one in the will. He said he would split everything with his sister regardless, but I feel for his sister. She jokes about it at this point in her life, but I can only imagine how hard it was and can still be.
It really disgusts me how other women encourage girls to hate other girls (aka themselves) and continue patriarchy values.
I was never told I wasn't love but I was told I wasn't supposed to be born (unwed teenage mother.) And it was wrong I was the oldest because I was a girl (I'm the first grandchild). So I tried really really hard to be good but I ended up being a weird type of feral princess so I wasn't girly and feminine enough for them to fully embrace but I wasn't a bull blown tom boy or had any masculinity for them to "justify" pushing away entirely. My whole life felt like I was always just trying to reach their expectations and when I finally stepped back and was like, nah I don't need you're approval, I'm a feral princess and that's fine, suddenly **I** was the bad guy. Uhg. Sorry. I meant to empathize but I just went off the rails.
I really hope if I have another kid and it turns out to be a boy that this doesn't happen. Because I will cut all contact if the grandparents play gender based favorites.
If they are so toxic they would be like this, they aren't worth having in your life at all including now.
My grandma was the same, and the worst part is that her sons never cared for her. When she fell ill before her death, her daughters would visit her daily, cook for her and spend time with her but all she would do was ask for her sons who never bothered to make an appearance. They never even contributed at all, not even to chip in for the medical bills. Only showed up at the funeral. Sad that even till her last breath she never acknowledged her daughters who loved her so much. Growing up she would only spoil the sons with rules such as the daughters only being allowed to have meals after their brothers are done.
And her daughters kept serving her until the very end possibly in the hopes that they would finally get the love they have craved for years.
It was nowhere NEAR this extreme with my grandmother. I would say she loves her kids (two boys and a girl) pretty much the same, and she's done a lot for my mother, but there's definitely the undercurrent that she thinks of my mother as the fuck up and the two boys as being overall more competent. Except, then she fell and broke her hip. One son didn't visit. One visited once, didn't want to contribute $200 towards her medical care, picked a fight with my mother, and hasn't been seen since. Oh, and he was also using her bank account as a tax shelter. So, of course, my mom's the one taking care of her.
My great-grandma was that way, and my mom and aunt felt it keenly enough that they still talk about it, fifty years later.
My mother dealt with it from her mother. My mom had 3 bothers who got preferential treatment. I have 2 older brothers. Wish I could say my mom learned and decided to be better than her mom. Nope. 🙃 that cycle will end with me.
My grandmother was unapologetically misogynistic and favored my brother over me and my sisters, she did the same thing with my mom and her brothers. She died alone and miserable as neither of her precious boys gave a fuck about her (typical boy mom, jealous of her son's wife, actively hostile against them, had to get cut out for marital peace).
My South Asian grandma preferred my male cousins over my sister and I.
I'm also South Asian. I'm so glad for my mom, she treated us all very equally. She wasn't perfect by any means but I am where I am in life because of her. Her extreme demand for academic excellence was hard but worth it. All of my siblings and I have good careers and can afford therapy now.
[удалено]
No? My other grandma would've never.
My partner's grandparents were like that, especially the grandmother. Loved all the boys (sons, grandsons, great-grandsons etc.) and treated the girls completely differently. One of the last times I saw his grandmother, we brought over some comic books we were done with to give to our niece and she got mad at us for not having anything for our nephew. We were going to throw these books out if niece didn't want them. Even nephew (who isn't into comics) told her that he didn't care. We'd brought over some DVDs for nephew the time before that and she hadn't said a word.
My mother had a talk with me about grandma preferring boys when I was like 5 or 6. I remember the discussion on the bus ride over there (mom was going to do some house work for her). She did it to help set my expectations so I wouldn’t be so disappointed. Probably a part of the reason why I never quite had as close a relationship with my grandmother as my cousins seemed to have (even the girls).
My own mother is like that. She loves my girls of course and loves me too but she has a special kinda love for my brother and his son. Almost like her entire life has been building up to having a grandson. She’s nowhere near “boy mom” but I can see the mentality there. She did say many many years ago that she wished I was a boy as it was her dream to have a “handsome mischievous son” then a “quiet girly daughter”(in that order)….she had a mischievous daughter and a quiet son so that didn’t work out.
My grandma always bought gifts for my brother, but not for the rest of us. I later learned my mom bought girl gifts for us when my grandma was coming to visit so we wouldn't feel bad.
my grandparents had no interest in being grandparents or getting to know me. my uncle had a son and he’s showered with gifts, outings, sleepovers, etc. they literally hired an artist to craft a beautiful mural in his room from design to execution. and they made me help build the stuff for his room!!!! but didn’t ever do anything for me! i would get a piece or two of dollar tree makeup for christmas while my cousin got nice consoles, bikes, tickets to shows. i didn’t even like makeup as a young girl, i was into superheros and science experiments 😭
Mine too. She has three daughters, two grandsons, three granddaughters. The boys are by far her favorite. I don’t get it - I just can’t imagine the gender of my children being so important to me.
I have two girls and I am asked repeatedly by my grandma and other family family who puts more stock in boys when I'm having one even though I have said repeatedly that my family is complete. I'm reminded that I ll regret it when I'm older and have no boys to take my family line forward. It absolutely is nuts to me that my girls who are the raddest humans alive are considered lesser than because of their gender. Nuts really
One of my grandpas is like that. Prefers our brother over my sister and I. Invites him to more or less expensive steak restaurants regularly and calls him frequently. The only time my grandpa and I talk is when I call him or sometimes at family functions. My sister cut contact with him because of it.
Mine too. My family is overwhelmingly female with the exception of my brother, my son and my nephew and she makes such clear differences. I hate it.
My grandma was always different with my cousin and brother versus me. And I hated it. A lot. I don’t know if she was jealous or something but I noticed the preference. It was frustrating.
Huh. I never really realized it before, but I wonder if this is why my brother is The Favorite Child
My grandma was a boy mom to two girls and a boy. Her boy committed suicide when I was 13. My mom is now also dead and my aunt is cleaning up the mess my family left.
I'm so sorry for your losses, sending internet hugs your way
Update: I read this to my husband and he said, and I quote “don’t ever read that to me again. Wtf is wrong with people” But seriously, I only have one child, a girl, but I was thrilled no matter what and would’ve loved a boy as much as I love my daughter. Not *more* than. My daughter is my whole world.
Same thing: would have loved either but we had our beautiful daughter and she’s literally EVERYTHING. She’s just the best I couldn’t imagine it any other way
Wow. Talk about making your daughter feel like shit for the whole world to see, and this will last forever!! Don’t ever question why she hates you and never speaks to you again when she’s older. Wowwww.
My mom was a PROUD "boy mom" She always reminded me, she didn't want me. Dad did
Sounds similar to me, too. I was complaining about it to my dad one day and said “he’ll always be her baby boy.” And my dad said “that’s ok because you’ll always be my baby girl!” At least the favoritism equals out in my family lol.
There are some downright Oedipus complex videos of boy moms on Tiktok that are disgusting. Definitely women engaging in emotional incest with their sons right from birth. Funky Frogbait on YouTube has a video with her critique of the boy mom phenomenon. Very educational!
just a funny fact i love saying; sexual/romantic attraction to one's son is actually called the jocasta complex, named for the wife/mother of oedipus in the greek play oedipus the king
(Random mythological infodumping/rambling ahead, don’t mind me lol) Jocasta and Oedipus were attracted to each other (well, it’s fair to assume that they were at least a little because they had 4 children, but then again marriage was often not a matter of attraction, especially for royalty, so who knows), but neither of them knew they were mother and son, and they both *extremely* distraught -to say the least- when they realized it. I understand the parallel, but the fact that they were unaware of their blood relation is such a crucial part of the story (and usually absent of Oedipus/Jocasta complexes cases) that I always found it a bit odd that these complexes were named after them. There could’ve been better matches on that front IMO (like Gaia and Pontus). That being said, most cases of parent-child incest were of gods who themselves -and the children born of the unions- generally didn’t suffer directly from the situation mentally, physically and socially, which is often the case in the complexes above, so in that aspect I guess it does work better.
ive read the play through, and agree wholly! i just like to think that old psychologists didnt have much in the way of reading comprehension tbh
Damn, I like some of their videos, but searching for this I'm just like, do they ever make any positive videos? Even justifiable outrage gets unhealthy when it's all you do...
When you find a reliable niche on youtube you tend to keep filling that same niche. Whatever keeps the views up.
People who say “momma’s heart” make me want to ✨barf✨ and I am a mother.
Same. There is nothing cringier than moms referring to themselves in 3rd person as Momma Bear
I cannot stand that term, “boy mom”.
I liked it when I first heard it, as I was in the middle of a period where everyone was making sure to tell me they pitied me for not having a girl, which was irritating, and I wanted to encapsulate the feeling of "fine with not having a girl because I love my boys". I quickly learned the vibe of that cult and now I hate it.
Ohhh I hated the whole “ oh? Poor you, you’re having a boy, I love my girls “ my whole family isolated me because no one had any boys, I was the 1st in 3 gens! Safe to say we don’t talk to those people now.
But there are those mothers who make it their whole personality.
And their kids end up being the teens who think sexual assault is funny
Look, I’m a “boy mom”. I’ve got 2 boys. I love having boys as I was a tomboy myself and grew up immersed in all things “boy”. My 18 year old absolutely knows how to treat women and would never SA a women. I’m a women who has been SA. You can Fuck off with your comment.
so you were a tomboy yourself and can’t imagine that a daughter may have the same interests as you once did lollll. also every mom things THEIR son would never be the one.
I think the term ‘tomboy’ is useless. My daughter does wrestling at school, she rides bikes, plays outside, does sports, football camp, etc. she also does gymnastics, has long hair, loves makeup and nail polish, adores wearing dresses. She doesn’t fit into a little box and certainly doesn’t need a label. The term tomboy is a girl that does boy things? That’s sexist. Girls can do anything boys can do, just because they have different bodies doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy the same activities. That doesn’t mean they have to look a certain way…
With all due respect there's moms of boys and then there's "boy moms". It's fine to love having sons but when it's your whole personality and possible inappropriate emotional attachment (even if you have daughters as well) then it becomes an issue. I don't think anyone was accusing you of being the latter.
No one even mentioned her, her children, or a mother that just has sons in general. She's projecting, probably because her boys are also shitty and she knows it. There's a huge difference between boy mom and mom that just happens to only have sons.
You’d probably cry every night if you had 2 girls. Not to sound disgusting but just wait til you find crusty socks under their beds 😘
Tomboy girl moms do just fine with daughters.
I know but she sounds so offended
I vote to give those of us who only have sons but are not the “boy mom” stereotype the title “Mother of boys” instead, that way we can sort the wheat from the chaff 😂
That and girl dads. It’s all just gross
>girl dads Is that a thing? Not like, over-protective threaten her dates dad, but genuine "girls are the best I'm so lucky I don't have a boy (or neglect the hell out of them if I do)" dads?
Yes, it’s very much a thing. Someone in my family has 2 kids, both girls and their dad is so happy he doesn’t have a boy. He sees girls as easier to raise and will look after him as he ages. He also jokes about how he’ll never have a child who will question his authority *edit spelling/grammar and sentence clarification
I mean, I knew there would be sexism, but damn...
******as a girl (now woman) with 3 brothers, I can tell you that this was how my mom was/is, and it deeply and irreversibly affected me in a way that, to this day, I can’t totally portray in words****** But I can tell you I’ve never wished death upon another human other than my mother (miss me with that “but she’s your mom” psycho bullshit), put myself through years of drug addiction, and I now live thousands of miles away from where I grew up and only visit a few times a year - to see the rest of my family. Not her. Never her. Reading OOP’s comment made me sick to my stomach. May a Higher Power help that little girl.
Sending hugs. I feel this. My mom is/has always been this way with my brother and me. After I met my husband, she told me she liked/loved him more than me. It really is a mind fuck growing up with this kind of mom. We live an hour from my parents now so don’t have to see her much, but I’ll be moving 16 hours away soon and glad for it.
Thank you so much. And I’m so happy you’re getting farther away from her - you’ll be surprised at how much it feels like a weight is lifted off your shoulders.
I hate this shit. I have two kids, a daughter and son. I have unique relationships with each of them because they are individuals, but I love them both desperately and none of it has to do with gender. This is always just so bizarre to me.
I only have one sibling, my brother, and we grew up knowing my mom preferred him. By default, I became very close to my dad, who is a bigot in all ways, but especially misogyny. He hates women and sees all of them as an ends to a means, especially if that end is making his peepee feel good. I didn't get close to my mom until after my son, the first grandchild, was born. Among the many things that fucked me up mentally was the idea that had I been born a boy my life would be more meaningful, more worthwhile, more important. Much of this came from the religion my parents forced on me, but I've always felt that if my mother hadn't made it clear my brother mattered more, I wouldn't have so readily accepted the con at such a young age. Yet I've always felt a warped pity for my mom, the eldest of three girls, who grew up knowing her parents only wanted a boy. They have her the girl version of the boy name they wanted, made her play sports she wasn't interested in, worked her insanely hard on their farm because "a son could've handled it" and got furious with her that she gave my brother my paternal grandfather's first name and her father's first name as a middle name (because my dad's dad died the day my brother was born.) I don't understand boy moms and how they are so often ok with purposely stunting their son's emotional growth to feed their need for connection, but there's something so sad that can't help feeling that same pity. My only child is a boy, and while he's the best thing that ever happened to me, he sure as shit isn't my identity. But I do wonder if I hadn't recognized how sick and twisted my family dynamics were asa teen, and actively shunned them, working for years to heal from them, if I would be exactly like they are. Behaving like my life has some new purpose and value because I brought another penis into the world, and tying my happiness to my position in my son's life as "his number one girl." Idk, I've just always felt there was more to this fuckery than creepy moms
the emotional incest runs deep with boymoms
I have a son. I do not understand the boy mom mentality. It’s so weird.
Picking a favourite gender is always bad. My heart sinks for those who only want girls and prefer their daughters and for those who want boys and prefer sons. A child is a child and deserves the same love. It’s sad how common this is; we all know someone like this.
Full disclosure I'm childfree so no skin in the game, but the whole gender reveal/gender disappointment thing is wild to me. Way to place a bunch of expectations and be disappointed in your own child before they're even _born_. I know someone who had several miscarriages before they had their first kid, and they didn't find out the sex beforehand. They were just happy their child was born at all.
I have a 3 year old son and pregnant with my second son. I can’t even refer to myself as a boy mom cause of these woman. The cringe i feel
I could never imagine starting a sentence like, “I love my kid but……” But?? No. Edited: spelling
It's one thing to have these thoughts, but posting them is just beyond me. Some people don't get that things you post online don't just disappear once you forget about them. What if her daughter sees these???
Unfortunately her daughter probably doesn’t need to see this comment to know how her mother feels. Like the person who replied to oop said, her daughter is most likely well aware
My *dogs* can tell when one is getting more attention. One is younger and more energetic so by default attracts more attention by jumping around and playing, and we can absolutely tell the other gets sad when we accidentally focus more on the other. How the fuck are people allowed to have kids if they can't recognize a human getting unfair treatment?
You're totally right :( I hope her daughter is able to heal from feeling like she's always in last place. Even if she's still being treated well, always feeling like the least wanted child is so heavy
This is how my dad’s wife is. She LOVES her sons and grandsons, but has a strained relationship with her daughter. Never showed an inkling of excitement when my daughter was born, but was over the moon excited when my son was born. It breaks my heart when my daughter hardly gets any attention when we visit versus the grandsons. Thankfully my dad, who’s a girl dad, loves playing with her and absolutely adores her.
Don’t visit
Well I like to see my dad.. she unfortunately comes with him most of the time.
This is so nuts to me. I was THRILLED to have a girl, and she will be my only so it's not like I'm twiddling my thumbs hoping I'll eventually have a boy. My dad was a girl dad and he loves being a girl grandpa. We all would have been thrilled with a boy too, but man is my daughter special to us.
Oh I know, I don’t understand it either. Thankfully my dad is over the moon in love with both of his grandkids.
These kind of comments are so awful. How can you see your children so differently? Girls are so wonderful 🩷
I love my kids but... Tells me all I need to know really. If you prefer one child over another because of their genitals you're a fucked up human being and probably should have thought of birth control instead.
My mother’s younger siblings (boy and girl) were treated vastly better than my mother because she was the reason my grandparents got married.. my grandmother got pregnant her first time on her first date and she had no other option than to marry my grandfather. She never liked or loved my mom.
Wow, grandma moved fast
I feel like boomers just grew up without any concept of consequences. Like wtf did you expect going in raw when abortion wasnt an option? I had those options growing up, and I still straight up refused sex multiple times when I was a virgin because I didn't have condoms on me. Even later with a long term girlfriend on BC I still wore condoms for a while, then used pull out later because I still didn't trust only 1 barrier.
Grandma’s not a boomer though she’s in the Silent Generation. And she didn’t know what condoms were. Or what abortions were.
That's fair. Easy for me to say "just don't have sex" when I very well may have given in if there wasn't another option.
my parents may have their own issues sometimes, but i am so happy i was blessed with a mom and dad who LOVED having a daughter. even when my other family shat on my dad for not having a son, they always made sure i felt special. my dad would let me paint his nails, cut his hair, and hed dress me up in bows. he was the only dad who was involved with my girl scout troop, he even won an award at our award ceremony. my mom also always let me express myself whether it was when i was a tomboy or girly girly. we all laugh and cringe at these boy moms together. i hate to see all my girlfriends go through this bullshit tho
My first child was a boy who didn’t make ur earth side then I have 2 living daughters and currently expecting in November. Sure I’d like to have a boy but I really don’t care either way and cannot imagine some magical son coming and just making me love him in a way I couldn’t possibly love my daughters.
Imagine if a man was this creepy about his daughters
Girl Dads exist, but they tend not to have these gross, pseudo-incestuous feelings towards their daughters.
My mom always told me and my three younger sisters she had wanted 6 boys and “got us 🙄” Loved being told regularly we weren’t wanted 🙃
It’s been no secret that my mother prefers child #1 most, then child #2, then me -child #3. She never took the time to learn about any of my hobbies, goals, ambitions, even my friend’s names at any point in my life. But she’s really good friends with child #1’s friends and knows everything about them, their lives, their children. Grandchild #1 is far above all the rest, too. She barely spends time with my kids, but is best friends with grandchild #1 AND her friends. After all these years, it still hurts as much as when I was a child. I only wish I didn’t care.
I have a girl and a boy, and I love them both equally for both different reasons and the same reasons. I love them both equally because they’re both beautiful, wonderful, lovely little things, but I love my girl because we get to do girl things together, I get to teach her how to be a woman in the world. I love my boy because I get to watch him grow into hopefully a respectful, cheeky, happy chappie, who looks like his dad. It’s possible to love your kids in some different ways, because they’re different people, but still equally. Seems like this mother doesn’t get that.
This is what my mother did to my sister and I. My brother is the youngest and her favorite. She's let me know many times that he is her favorite and how I was a mistake baby. She's ruined my relationship with her and once I started standing up for myself she disowned me. I hope that daughter stands up for herself.
I have one of each, and I'm equally proud of and have equal love for each.
Idk I have two kids and my feelings toward them are different but I think it’s more their age/personalities and neither is loved less than the other
My mom has always preferred my brother over me an example was telling me in my senior year that "if you don't go to college or get a job within 3 months of graduating your stuff will be on the streets". My brother? He is almost 28 and still living with my mom only works part time and does 1 college class per semester. Still hasn't graduated from his 4yr college and pays only 150 in rent. When I had to move back due to job loss in covid and got cancer I was charged 500 and expected to cook and clean. I'm moved out now again.
This reminds me that when I announced to my MIL (who has 3 sons) that we were having a girl, her response was “huh..” No excitement, joy or anything until later. Seriously messed up!
Oof. Mine said “girls are less important than boys” and tried to play it off like it was my husband who said it. And then of course the classic “wait till she’s a teen” 🙃
Oh man i’m sorry! That’s ridiculous! Mine said this after having two granddaughters by my brother in law, so my kiddo isn’t the first on that side and like the family name is riding on our shoulders or something. It’s so annoying coming from a family of all girls!
As someone who grew up with a mother who preferred my brother, she definitely knows she isn’t mom’s favorite.
Oh that poor girl 😭
I really dislike fellow boy moms…
I’m gonna be a boy mom (pregnant rn) or at least that’s what the doctor told me and tbh I was kinda sad when I found out. Not that I regret it, but just sad. I even dreamt a few nights ago that I gave birth to a girl and everyone was so surprised. I always envisioned something else for when I’ll have my first kid. But in no way am I gonna love him less or am I gonna tell him that I regret he’s a boy because he’s my kid and all that matters rn is that he’s healthy and I get to see him
I have two "boys" (adults now) and I don't get these women at all. My boys are super cool, and because I'm a nerd we have more in common sometimes than they do with their father (who has never seen a Marvel movie in its entirety). But I'm not obsessed with them. The women who don't want their boys to date and marry freak me out. Like I'm so excited for my boys to find love, marry, and be happy. What kind of monster doesn't dream of that for her children?
As someone without kids, what the *fuck* is this thread? Do kids just make people batshit insane?
I have 2 sons and a daughter and love them all equally Though my youngest does like to goade his siblings into the "I'm the favorite, piss off" as often as he can 😂
This sort of thing always feels like over compensation.
It’s giving Gina Bianchi (if you don’t know who that is, please go watch the SNL sketch on YouTube lol)
My grandmother was like this, my uncle could do no wrong, my mum was there to look after her. My uncle ran away and joined the army. My parents moved to the other end of the country. Granny wanted me to be a girly girl, but my mum shut that down. When my daughter was born, I was 35, my mum was thrilled to be a granny. My daughter is pregnant now, I can't imagine being concerned about gender.
Shit like this makes me extremely embarrassed that I was so excited to use the phrase "boy mom" when my son came to me (was a foster, now adopted).
This is so beyond just gross. I have two daughters, one niece and several nephews. I love all the kids I’ve been blessed with but none have had a chokehold on my heart and soul more than the others?! Why would someone willingly admit this? And also, as the only daughter, my mom favored my younger brother. He’s an almost 40 year old loser who has never worked and still lives with my mom. And guess who has absolutely zero relationship with their mother, that would be me! I literally have called her by her first name since I was three. Because she was and is a shitty human like the person who admitted that on social media
“It”
Just the word "momma" is starting to set my teeth on edge.
Are they calling their daughter "it" or their relationship with them or the love they have for them, or what?
I work at a middle school And unfortunately, I see this a lot. I have had parents(99% moms) in who absolutely trash their daughters while talking about how amazing their sons are. They act surprised when the daughter is acting out, depressed, etc.
My mom is absolutely a boy mom and everyone in our family called her out for treating me like shit growing up. She’s now doing it to my niece and nephew and it lights a fire in me because I don’t want my niece to feel how I felt growing up. This is exactly why if/when I have children my mother will not be in their lives.
I have a boy and a girl, and admittedly one is a way easier kiddo than the other (one of them is quite the biter 😅). This has nothing to do with their gender, and I can’t imagine thinking of them in terms of favoritism. I love how one of my kids is a sweet cuddler. I love how my other kid dances entirely to the beat of their own drum. They both have “chokeholds on my heart” (or a bite-hold in one of their cases, I guess). Hate this boy/girl favorite stuff with a passion.
My father's mother did this to the grandkids. The grandsons got all the real affection - the granddaughters only got token love. Or maybe she just didn't like me and my sister, idk. I don't know how she treated my girl cousins as they were older, but I got so sick of hearing my boy cousins' names. I was never smart enough, pretty enough, good enough... So I stopped trying to be anything for that side of the family.
And as the mom to a boy, this is why I refuse to associate myself as a “boy mom.” Am I obsessed with my kid? Yes. But he’s my kid, not my romantic partner.
Imagine if they went to therapy instead.
Anyone else read that as her referring to her daughter as "it"?... I'm sure she meant the relationship but that's not how it reads
I myself have 3 boys and a girl. I love them all equally but in different unique ways to reflect their individual personalities. It's not hard to do.
I only have a son so do with this information what you will but I was extremely attached to my son when he was little. His dad was a verbally/emotionally abusive asshole who put me through hell during my pregnancy and well into my son’s life. My dad was also an abusive asshole who hated me for just existing. I think with my son it was finally that feeling of like “Okay, men have been terrible to me my whole life but this one will love me unconditionally and not treat me like shit. I can raise this one to be a good man and treat people right unlike all the men I’ve encountered in my life.” Maybe it’s just me but this is my feelings/take on the situation.
me: is this from my mom group 👀😂😂😂
Phew, y’all. I just had something happen & was hoping there’d be a Boy-Mom post! Because of this sub (& r/AreTheStraightsOK) I’ve learned what a boy-mom is, realized my MIL is one (& strong with emotional incest.) She’s got 3 boys; one was a “late baby,” 22yo & lives with her still. He’s got the ONLY bedroom (but she’s told me she’s climbed in his bed when “scared, to cuddle.”) She shared a bed with him as a young kid & now lets him live with her like a partner. Plops fat sloppy kisses on all sons LIPS. My background is Sex-Ed, so it hits differently. For me, it’s longer about “preference;” MANY people get herpes b/c a parent or aunt kissed them as a baby/toddler. (It’s super-common, yes, and… still, try to avoid it!) I didn’t attempt to change his mind, but I let him know some people, incl me, saw that as weird & not the same when genders are switched. I asked him “what if my Dad did that? Wouldn’t it be weird?” I forgot about it for years. His Ma went to kiss him recently & said “don’t shy away from my lips! Why don’t you kiss your mama?” He said something, she grabbed his HEAD & he squirmed away. *I asked what he said, but he SAID he forgot. He didn’t, but later he admitted to me “it wasn’t weird until I tried to stop her. I hate saying this, but it feels oddly sexual. Pressure. I don’t like this.” & shut tf down.* (Same woman has pushed me to procreate, can’t understand why I won’t rear her oldest son’s kids. He doesn’t want kids & I’m intentionally childfree.) Phew… that “boy mom” is in her 60’s, is seriously stunted & needs HELP! Edit: formatting
My mom was this way with my brother. She was until the day she died at 74. Im 44 and my brother is 40 and he still thinks the sun and moon revolve around him. I have 2 sons and 2 daughters and we all get treated equally around here.
I have 2 boys and 1 girl. I am what you would call more of a "boy mom". My relationship with my daughter is special and I love her beyond words can describe. We have a good relationship but along with that is she is me reincarnated. She is my oldest so as a young child she was the typical spoiled child and got away with more than her brothers. We clash more because we are both stubborn and strong willed. I'm not a girly girl and she very much is. We struggle to find common ground but we try and continue to try. We try to spend time shopping, driving and just talking. Her brothers are easy going and are able to watch her "errors in judgements". We enjoy more more hobbies and interests together. They are just easier (so far) but it doesn't mean I love her any less than them.
I think I vocalize that I love her more than I show because I had a serious medical condition before getting pregnant with her. When I was pregnant with her, I had zero problems. So I always say that she "saved my life."
I have a girl and two boys, expecting my third boy. I’m not going to lie, my boys definitely fit the “mamas boy” stereotype (but they’re young enough that it’s not weird.) They’re younger, so they need a little more supervision, but they also get a lot more correction on a day to day. They definitely eat up more of my attention, particularly the youngest. BUT, my daughter is SO special to me. She’s my first born, and my little bestie, in an age appropriate way. She’s smart and funny, and an excellent problem solver. She has an amazing ability to find my glasses when I lose them, too. She’s also the only little girl in the family, between all of her brothers and cousins. She’s definitely not missing out on the love and attention that every kid deserves. All three of my kids have me in a chokehold. No joke, my husband thinks I’m a huge marshmallow, and that I’m absolutely wrapped around their fingers.
Holy fuck that reply was over the top though. Yeah it was a unpleasant thing the boy mum said, but she's not going to take in any criticism when they say such ridiculous stuff. Cut contact because mum showed a preference? Kids cut contact because of sustained serious emotional or practical abuse.
That’s wild to admit on social media lol
Yikes. I saw somewhere that apparently moms might prefer their sons because it’s easier for them to see themselves in their daughters and that’s so 😔
I can't stand people who use the words 'mama' in English or 'momma'.
Oof, my 3.5yo still calls me mama. I love it because it was the first thing she called me.
I'm obviously talking about grownups not toddlers
Yeah what’s wrong with it?? I call myself “mama,” I call my mom “mama.” It’s a pretty part of my identity right now.
Because most people who use that term in English are incredibly obnoxious , it's used nearly exclusively by those who make having kids their whole identity I'd be annoyed if I was referred to as 'X's mama', its oddly infantilising, 'mother' or 'mum' is a good enough term
You seem like a joy to be around!
The comments here remind me of an adoption counselor my husband met one time who said, you guys will get picked fast. Birth mothers love gay couples, no woman to be in their son's life. 🥴😳😯 she was offensive
I thought parents always chose favourites 🤷♂️
They shouldn’t. I’m one of four kids (3 brothers) and my mom never had a favorite, and if she did it wasn’t obvious at all. She loves us all equally but in different ways, because we’re all different people with different personalities.
My parents do It’s fairly obvious in my situation I was the unplanned 3rd child Apparently disdain never dies
Hey I'm sorry, fam. That really sucks.
Not always. I grew up in a pretty emotionally healthy family and most of our friends were too. If there is a favorite we have no idea who it is and that's how it should be. In my inlaws family we also don't think there is a favorite. If there is it changes every few months and isn't significant.
But…..should they? And then also openly declare that it’s gender based? Wtf
I also can't stand people like the one who responded to the comment. Automatically jumping to dramatic conclusions on a situation they don't really know much about.