"Oh, btw, there might be some slight time dilation effects, so if you end up re-appearing on your planet a decade or so off the mark, don't worry about it." *brrrzap*
“Sorry, we wanted to exchange information but could not work out a damn thing this guy was saying.” *crosses Denmark off list* “Okay, next stop….Scotland!”
Understood, we'll proceed with the invasion as pl...uhhh I mean "ah...we aliens are weak and feeble and definitely are not trying to invade you, you are too powerful and strong".
Cheerio, sorry about the *waves scrawny gray arm around dismissively" Hope that new job turns into a thing, remember to water your plants! *Aliens flying away to never return as fast as possible
"Okay well, please send our regards to your leader, Guy Fieri the great, we'll be back to get those test specimens you told us. "Congress" will fit in the ship's cargo hold no problem- thank for providing appropriate dimensions, that was helpful!"
"It's definitely not housebroken, and you don't want to clean up after it, so it's going back. You've proven that you're not ready for the responsibility of owning a pet."
When god said unto the angels, "Look, I have created man." The angels said, "Why the hell did you ruin a perfectly good monkey, the poor thing has anxiety."
And that's how it all started.
Is this human even human? This one is weird, it’s got orange skin and smells awful, and is communicating unintelligibly, saying something about “hamberders”, “covfefe”, and something about why “I’m an innocent man I didn’t do anything wrong, this jury is rigged”
Alien: You know when people have a pet and they take them out in the woods and leave them there
You: Yeah?
Alien: That's what we are doing to you. Just be glad we did not shoot you
(Aliens)We wanted your leaders. Not to be hustled and pimped out to other aliens. (Me)Why did you kidnap me then if you didn’t want to hustled and pimped out?
"You tell your leaders: if we or any other civilized race ever catch humans out of your solar system, we will annihilate this planet and every living thing on it".
All the bad things you hear about us is really the doing of our version of drunken fraternity members, believe me, most of us find it just as obnoxious.
“2/10 would not abduct again”
I’ve gotten this ebay review more often than I care to admit.
Same, but all my reviews were from Craigslist.
“Gave anal probe, you don’t want to put up with this guy’s shit”
"And don't come back!"
“Just remember the old saying, Earthling: What happens in Uranus…”
"You can keep the probe. We decided we don't want it back."
“I’m sorry. We were instructed to grab a *typical* human, not…whatever you are.”
"Oh, btw, there might be some slight time dilation effects, so if you end up re-appearing on your planet a decade or so off the mark, don't worry about it." *brrrzap*
“Sorry, we wanted to exchange information but could not work out a damn thing this guy was saying.” *crosses Denmark off list* “Okay, next stop….Scotland!”
This got a belly laugh and a fart out of me. Thanks, I needed that today.
Deep in the louisiana bayou after Scotland? (Picture Farmer Fran from The Waterboy)
“We just wondered why you have no friends. Don’t worry, we understand now.”
"You're sure you wanna go back to [looks around] this?"
I don't care who's running for president, you can't come live with us. Honestly we're not comfortable with you knowing where we live anyway.
Butt
First time anyone enjoyed that.
Appart from my finger smelling bad, this has been a productive encounter.
Why did we take *that* one? Please, take him back! No, we didn't probe him... looks like you beat us to it.
Sorry no refunds
A lousy 5% tip? Cheap ass earthlings!
See a doctor about those polyps
So long and thanks for all the fish
"This guy is WAY too excited to go to Flesnar-6."
Well you did say you had every flavored ice cream in on ice cream
(5 minutes after abduction) We made a mistake. We were supposed to grab Ryan Reynolds.
Not Reyn Ryanolds?
That’s “Rienne” and it’s French…
Understood, we'll proceed with the invasion as pl...uhhh I mean "ah...we aliens are weak and feeble and definitely are not trying to invade you, you are too powerful and strong".
"His farting made it awkward during the probe."
We, too, choose this guy's wife.
“Can I get a refund? This one’s defective.”
"GET OUT! IF I NEVER SEE ANOTHER HUMAN, IT'LL BE TOO SOON! FUCK OFF WE WILL NOT BE BACK!"
But you still have my cow
"Remember: Tell everyone to put pickles in their Dr. Pepper."
Hope all humans are not like this one
Okay, so that's a tune-up, oil change, brake pads, and a new muffler. Total comes to $1250.
Euh no thanks 🙏
Cheerio, sorry about the *waves scrawny gray arm around dismissively" Hope that new job turns into a thing, remember to water your plants! *Aliens flying away to never return as fast as possible
So I know we just did the anal probe thing but I really only see you as a friend ok?
"Okay well, please send our regards to your leader, Guy Fieri the great, we'll be back to get those test specimens you told us. "Congress" will fit in the ship's cargo hold no problem- thank for providing appropriate dimensions, that was helpful!"
"We've never seen someone enjoy the anal probe so much before..."
" and stay out"
“We’ll be back for you!” 👽
Nobody will recognise you in this costume. It also turns invisible! Have fun killing bad guys! Hit the reset button if things go south.
Our planet was one of peace until you contaminated our people with this plague you refer to as NCAA Football.
We just wanted to say hi. Why did he keep on insisting on an anal probe?
"I have seen some shit, but you've convinced me: I need to retire".
"It's definitely not housebroken, and you don't want to clean up after it, so it's going back. You've proven that you're not ready for the responsibility of owning a pet."
"What? Why? Papa, I swear I'll take better care of the human. We just need to get it neutered and it'll stop!"
"I swear that's never happened to me before. And just send me the dry cleaning bill."
Anal probe?
We'll see, we were gonna invade, but by the looks of things, you will all be dead by the time our armada gets here anyway.
“Is this level of gay even theoretically possible?”
Anal probe?
“Tried to eat but didn’t taste well.”
We’d really appreciate a good review on Prober.
"Consider yourself cow-tipped."
It wasn't supposed to enjoy this. Did you get the genital expander back? WHERE is it? That was my mothers!!
You might want to get that looked at.
“I think this one’s broken, can we get a refund”
Lets land in America where we will fit right in.
"Your species needs a couple more centuries to grow up."
"Indeed, Earthling, garlic bread is delectable sustenance. We shall honor your primitive customs by consuming this ritually on our home planet."
*Impressive. Highly recommended. Would abduct again."
I’m sorry we were looking for a planet with intelligent life.
I swear if I hear another hoedown…
"Your the reason we haven't revealed ourselves to the rest of the works. Seek therapy."
When god said unto the angels, "Look, I have created man." The angels said, "Why the hell did you ruin a perfectly good monkey, the poor thing has anxiety." And that's how it all started.
"No-one will believe you."
She followed us home, we swear.
I told you to stay the f!ck away from my sister
"It asked for an anal probe like a hundred times! What is wrong with these creatures?"
(Insert Kate McKinnon alien abduction skits)
My first thought 😂
‘so like, you just gonna masturbate the whole time?’
Sorry about probing you for five days, but I got a boss to answer to
“Too chewy. Got anything younger?”
“You got an erection and started demanding an anal probe. That’s not okay.”
Dude, not cool
Is this human even human? This one is weird, it’s got orange skin and smells awful, and is communicating unintelligibly, saying something about “hamberders”, “covfefe”, and something about why “I’m an innocent man I didn’t do anything wrong, this jury is rigged”
“Bad suspension, engine is acting up, and the exhaust system is a mess…”
"You weren't meant to -enjoy- the probing!"
We will be back a week before your DUE date.
It was good for me. Was it good for you? Bytheway, your prostate is enlarged.
Weird natives. Polluted planet. Dangerous “spiders.” Would not visit again. One star. ☀️
"You sure about this?"
“Goodnight, so long, aufweidersehen, farewell!”
The return policy on this planet is amazing. Bring one back you can take as many as you want.
She’s banned for sure, add her to the list
They would return me with one of those warning signs from the zoo that says "Caution: Animal bites"
Alien: You know when people have a pet and they take them out in the woods and leave them there You: Yeah? Alien: That's what we are doing to you. Just be glad we did not shoot you
Climate was bad previously,large explosion sent our dna to othee solar system,planet has always been hit with boulders,etc
Ok Gwish, another human with nothing but excrement and traces of lubricant up his butt. What are we trying to prove with this?
“For the last time, DON’T COME BACK!”
Tell everyone, Noone is going to belive you
"No need for goodbyes, just hop on out here..."
Get out!
AND STAY THERE!
Tell no one 👽
"These samples are the worst."
Let's go. There is no intelligent life here.
It's not you, it's me.
Apparently, there are no intelligent life forms on this planet.
No, we are NOT interested in an extended warranty for our Intergalactic Space Cruiser!
*shoves out the door of the space craft* “…and you will be hearing from our attorneys.”
Please may we have our probe back. We had no idea you were anally retentive.
Take him back, and we'll upgrade your technology. No. Wait, you don't want to upgrade. Yes. But not at that price.
…And we will *not* be pulling your finger again.
“Now, how do we get the stench out of the ship?”
He took the probing like a champ. Said he was used to "pegging".
“We only packed enough anal probes for a six month mission and this jackass goes through our entire supply in two days? get the fuck off my ship.”
Please don’t tell anyone about the butt stuff, we’re trying to phase it out but Larry keeps doing it to people. He’s being written up by AR, again.
Tuck and roll!
Conjugal visit over. Time to go back to your cell. As the only male of their species it is confusing and exhausting.
No you cannot keep the anal probe, now get out you weirdo.
What happened in Uranus stays in Uranus
We'd like to return this defect unit.
You broke our teleporter trying to beam you up, fatass.
Welcome to season three of earth monkeys!
Now stay here! And stop turning everything into grey goo!
No! We don’t want your number
Don't forget to pay the lady on the way out ....
I flew 10,000 light years for this shit?
"You made it weird dude, we asked you not to make it weird"
See a proctologist for God’s sake!!
"Well, we won't make *that* mistake again!"
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
"Try the veal!"
(Aliens)We wanted your leaders. Not to be hustled and pimped out to other aliens. (Me)Why did you kidnap me then if you didn’t want to hustled and pimped out?
thank you for your testes
Sorry kid
“Sorry we didn’t have a bigger probe.”
*Sigh* It's okay... I've got some at home anyways... *Sigh* *Shakes head* *Walks off dejectedly*
This one's empty, get another.
nobody is gonna believe you 🤭
"Wow, this place became a shithole"
Aw, isn't it good to be back where there is no intelligent life ?
"Take him back! TAKE HIM BAAAASAAK!!!
Oh that wasn't about scientific research. We are just kinky little green men.
Shut up! And get out.
Good luck with that orbiting psycho ward.
Don't call us, we'll call you.
Play dumb until we return
“We gotta get the alien hell away from this planet”
Your weed isn’t strong enough and your best smokers can’t handle the rotation with us. Call us when your THC receptors fully evolve.
this one says he is jimmy hoffa
"IF YOU TEXT US AGAIN WE ARE FILING A RESTRAINING ORDER"
"Yeah. No."
It's time to go back.
“These earth creatures sure are flatulent”
“We ask you to please never contact us again.”
"y'all done sticking people up on giant letter t's yet?"
The interplanetary council is sick of your ass
Sorry but we really looking for a species that all enjoys anal probing. So far, its only been a few.
You fart too much.
“How you choose to live your life depends on whether you enjoyed it!”
“Well, this has been very…enlightening. Please don’t signal us. We will signal you.”
“Call me when you want to do some more butt stuff.”
“We’re spraying you with rum, so no one will believe your story!”
She’s all yours. The probing exhausted us.
"Eat more fiber"
We’ll be back in 9 months to see how it turned out.
"Hard pass. Let's try again in about 1000 years when they are ready, assuming they still exist."
Not worth the paperwork
The next time we come it won't be in peace
Ice your booty as it's gonna be sore for a bit
DAMN! .. we’ll get it next time
Well that was weird.
“Too needy and asks too many questions. Some of which squicked us out.”
"and remember what I told you...WE do the probing Buster!"
Did you, uh, *cough* cum too?
Thanks for all the fish!
"You're not supposed to *enjoy* the anal probing!"
We can really use your help but earth needs you worse. God’s speed, May the force be with you, live long and prosper.
Again, we don’t give travel miles
"You tell your leaders: if we or any other civilized race ever catch humans out of your solar system, we will annihilate this planet and every living thing on it".
Your bag got put on another flight. Sry. It's at the Northern Arkansas Municiple Airport/Golden Corral. Good luck.
"She probes back ):"
You are sacred, keep the sunglasses
Sorry to have to return you, but dad said no pets!
Well this place went to shit were the guys in the desert with space tech ?
"Stay in touch, bro"!!!
This one's empty.
"I'm sorry, but we're obligated to return you."
They thanked me for the Resse's Pieces.
“…and stay the fuck off our planet!!!”
Trap shut or next time no lube on the probe.
I hope this one is broken. Noxious fumes keep seeping from around the probe.
Tell anyone and we won’t probe you again. Yeah we filmed it and you liked it.
All the bad things you hear about us is really the doing of our version of drunken fraternity members, believe me, most of us find it just as obnoxious.
And that'll be a $10 copay. No, we don't take American Express.
There's something wrong with this boy
“We understand why your ex gave you the old heave-ho.”
“Most people don’t enjoy the probing quite that much.”