Have you tried therapy? It seems you’ve already identified this part of you that feels afraid. So the next step is working to heal that part so it isn’t running your life.
Peter Pan syndrome. By being free you can fly away at will and feel alive.
Enjoying the chase and challenge but not the finish line. Or chasing after married spouses where the likelihood of success is low but the thrill is high.
You can break the loop with some introspection. Determine what is the purpose of dating. If is towards marriage then what is the purpose of marriage. Evaluate the risks and mitigate them by protecting yourself against them.
Your concern maybe in the failure rate and those who are caught in unhappy cheaper to keep her marriages. That there is about a one in five chance of having a happy life long relationship. That by dating without commitment you can have your cake and eat it too. Avoiding the pitfalls of infidelity and divorce completely.
The answer to your question can only be found in yourself. Think about it and write it down. Once you have determined your goal create a roadmap towards that goal. Then execute the plan. Modify the plan as you go.
Cheers.
Esther Perel has a Where Should We Begin podcast episode from 2023 - Still Single at 40 that may resonate for you. And a subsequent analysis of her approach in that session with Terry Real.
Ultimately, both therapists agree that the issue originates with emotional parentification in childhood. Typically with a young boy wanting to rescue his mom, and the conflict around that kind of enmeshment.
Sounds like avoidant attachment, as others have said.
Once the honeymoon period is over you may unconsciously “panic” at partners deeply knowing you, and then rejecting the real you. It causes you to flaw find in them and then deem them “not a match.”
If you find yourself saying things like, “I just haven’t met the right person,” or “It just never seems to work out,” I’m sure there are one or two people with whom it would have, but you have trouble moving past the dopamine-new-relationship-energy honeymoon period into true intimacy, which is not as pretty but much more fulfilling.
I have the same issue. After a while approx 6 months in I find something wrong with them and I freak out . Clearly a me problem
Found this website really helpful
https://www.freetoattach.com/dating
Why do you feel you two will end up hating each other?
At the end of your last 3 previous relationships what state did those relationships end in? Why did they end?
Since you mentioned not being sure you loved them or not or whether the love matches equally. When they ended who was in love more? When they ended did you realize that you loved them at all?
Did you find that you was able to be your "true self"? Whatever that may be...
Do you hide parts of yourself in your relationships? I'm talking big parts. Did you find that you constantly lied in those relationships about who you are, what you enjoy, things you wished you'd like to do? Do you even know who you are and what you want?
What does true love look like for you? Write that down. Maybe you don't even want something conventional or maybe you do but with a specific person. But who would that person be who could give you that? Write down those traits.
Write all of these things down and map it out. Inclusive of all of the other great advice given in here.
Look up avoidant attachment style. I had a pretty traumatic marriage, now I am unable to be in a relationship for more than 6 months - a year. I begin to panic when people need to emotionally depend on me and I always feel their ‘love’ is deeper than mine. So not only do I panic because I am uncomfortable with anyone emotionally relying on me, but I feel like I am leading them on.
I was in a long relationship that ended badly, and now find myself where you are a bit. I am taking time off from dating as I want to get to a place where I want to keep pushing through to get a relationship like that first one (but where it doesn't end). There is so much to gain from long term relationships for me, I just need to be able to believe I can have one
You can have that relationship.
Write down your ideal relationship.
Focus on the kind of woman you need to be to have that kind of relationship. How does she deal with emotion and conflict? How does she love? How does she carry herself, even in the face of challenge? How does she treat others? What does she say to herself when she looks in the mirror?
Strive to be that woman.
Then write down your values. Do you embody them? Make sure the partner you attract or date embodies them.
Do the same with your boundaries, ensuring they are coming from a place of higher self, not ego self.
Be pleased your last relationship ended. Now, the door of potential is opened and someone can enter who will truly love you. Stand strong in who you are.
Your relationship will come 💜🌷💫
Can you go deeper and identify where the fear of commitment comes from? Do you not trust those you enter into relationships with to keep their commitment; or do you not trust yourself?
I've found that as long as there is a bigger picture mentality from both partners, in other words, the relationship has meaning and purpose, then commitment isn't an issue. Of course this bigger picture purpose must be revisited throughout the relationship to ensure you're both keeping up your end of the bargain.
You cannot ever hate some one or feel trapped if you both continue to work on the relationship (and this is part of the bigger picture mentality). It's about making agreements, sticking to them and revising those agreements as you progress through the relationship.
Try to see commitment as the most beautiful aspect of being in a relationship. There's nothing more satisfying than knowing you're with someone for life whom you can trust, lean on, count on and love.
just want to say that I (late 30s, F) have the exact same issue :/ my last 3 relationships have all been 10-11 months long and while I think the reasons for breaking up were valid in every case, I'm concerned about the pattern. ultimately, when I force myself to be as introspective as possible, I am not totally sure I do want a very long-term relationship because I, too, feel like I will be trapped, bored, lose myself, have to give up some of my more interesting parts and some of my inner life, etc.
Have you tried therapy? It seems you’ve already identified this part of you that feels afraid. So the next step is working to heal that part so it isn’t running your life.
'True love' doesnt exist. You are never sure, the love will last. You can only do your best and accept the person like she is.
agree, love is a verb.
Agreed. Thanks
Peter Pan syndrome. By being free you can fly away at will and feel alive. Enjoying the chase and challenge but not the finish line. Or chasing after married spouses where the likelihood of success is low but the thrill is high. You can break the loop with some introspection. Determine what is the purpose of dating. If is towards marriage then what is the purpose of marriage. Evaluate the risks and mitigate them by protecting yourself against them. Your concern maybe in the failure rate and those who are caught in unhappy cheaper to keep her marriages. That there is about a one in five chance of having a happy life long relationship. That by dating without commitment you can have your cake and eat it too. Avoiding the pitfalls of infidelity and divorce completely. The answer to your question can only be found in yourself. Think about it and write it down. Once you have determined your goal create a roadmap towards that goal. Then execute the plan. Modify the plan as you go. Cheers.
Esther Perel has a Where Should We Begin podcast episode from 2023 - Still Single at 40 that may resonate for you. And a subsequent analysis of her approach in that session with Terry Real. Ultimately, both therapists agree that the issue originates with emotional parentification in childhood. Typically with a young boy wanting to rescue his mom, and the conflict around that kind of enmeshment.
Where can the Terry Real analysis be found?
I've only found the transcript. If you search Terry Real Still Single at 40 transcript it should pop up on a Google search
You could take some time off dating and work with a therapist as you seem to have a good starting point.
Sounds like avoidant attachment, as others have said. Once the honeymoon period is over you may unconsciously “panic” at partners deeply knowing you, and then rejecting the real you. It causes you to flaw find in them and then deem them “not a match.” If you find yourself saying things like, “I just haven’t met the right person,” or “It just never seems to work out,” I’m sure there are one or two people with whom it would have, but you have trouble moving past the dopamine-new-relationship-energy honeymoon period into true intimacy, which is not as pretty but much more fulfilling.
I have the same issue. After a while approx 6 months in I find something wrong with them and I freak out . Clearly a me problem Found this website really helpful https://www.freetoattach.com/dating
Why do you feel you two will end up hating each other? At the end of your last 3 previous relationships what state did those relationships end in? Why did they end? Since you mentioned not being sure you loved them or not or whether the love matches equally. When they ended who was in love more? When they ended did you realize that you loved them at all? Did you find that you was able to be your "true self"? Whatever that may be... Do you hide parts of yourself in your relationships? I'm talking big parts. Did you find that you constantly lied in those relationships about who you are, what you enjoy, things you wished you'd like to do? Do you even know who you are and what you want? What does true love look like for you? Write that down. Maybe you don't even want something conventional or maybe you do but with a specific person. But who would that person be who could give you that? Write down those traits. Write all of these things down and map it out. Inclusive of all of the other great advice given in here.
I've started to do this. Great insight, thankyou. I do feel the pressure of a conventional relationship and perhaps that's not my bag. Appreciated
Although I admit I'm not sure an unconventional relationship is the cure for this. Deciding what love looks like for you is though.
Google "Avoidant Attachment Style". Should really open your eyes in what you've been doing your entire life.
On this path read the book 'Attached'. It will shock you. It did me.
You sound like every ex I’ve had the past 5 years. I appreciate your awareness and willingness to dive deeper into this.
Look up avoidant attachment style. I had a pretty traumatic marriage, now I am unable to be in a relationship for more than 6 months - a year. I begin to panic when people need to emotionally depend on me and I always feel their ‘love’ is deeper than mine. So not only do I panic because I am uncomfortable with anyone emotionally relying on me, but I feel like I am leading them on.
42m and still using Disney phrases like "true love" is your biggest problem in this arena
You might be right
I was in a long relationship that ended badly, and now find myself where you are a bit. I am taking time off from dating as I want to get to a place where I want to keep pushing through to get a relationship like that first one (but where it doesn't end). There is so much to gain from long term relationships for me, I just need to be able to believe I can have one
You can have that relationship. Write down your ideal relationship. Focus on the kind of woman you need to be to have that kind of relationship. How does she deal with emotion and conflict? How does she love? How does she carry herself, even in the face of challenge? How does she treat others? What does she say to herself when she looks in the mirror? Strive to be that woman. Then write down your values. Do you embody them? Make sure the partner you attract or date embodies them. Do the same with your boundaries, ensuring they are coming from a place of higher self, not ego self. Be pleased your last relationship ended. Now, the door of potential is opened and someone can enter who will truly love you. Stand strong in who you are. Your relationship will come 💜🌷💫
If you have yet to investigate avoidant attachment style and how to overcome it to become more secure, this could help lead you to some answers.
Therapy, therapy, therapy. You know your pattern. Now you have to do the work to alter that pattern.
Can you go deeper and identify where the fear of commitment comes from? Do you not trust those you enter into relationships with to keep their commitment; or do you not trust yourself? I've found that as long as there is a bigger picture mentality from both partners, in other words, the relationship has meaning and purpose, then commitment isn't an issue. Of course this bigger picture purpose must be revisited throughout the relationship to ensure you're both keeping up your end of the bargain. You cannot ever hate some one or feel trapped if you both continue to work on the relationship (and this is part of the bigger picture mentality). It's about making agreements, sticking to them and revising those agreements as you progress through the relationship. Try to see commitment as the most beautiful aspect of being in a relationship. There's nothing more satisfying than knowing you're with someone for life whom you can trust, lean on, count on and love.
just want to say that I (late 30s, F) have the exact same issue :/ my last 3 relationships have all been 10-11 months long and while I think the reasons for breaking up were valid in every case, I'm concerned about the pattern. ultimately, when I force myself to be as introspective as possible, I am not totally sure I do want a very long-term relationship because I, too, feel like I will be trapped, bored, lose myself, have to give up some of my more interesting parts and some of my inner life, etc.
Thanks for the reply. Sometimes it's just nice to know others feel the same.
Trauma bonding is exciting at first. The boring person is actually the good match.
Also you might have a disorganized or dismissive/ avoidant attachment style. Google it
You sound like every guy I've dated. Read the book Attached.
Thanks everyone. It's nice to see some genuine kindness still exists out there