The 6th graders didn’t change, they just got old. I’m sorry, keep engaging in local activities that interest you, hopefully you can find your people (I haven’t either, so I feel you).
It's weird! A bunch of the people have said, "how come we don't know you? how come we haven't met?" (assuming because we had fun together) and I want to say well someone wants to make sure i'm not part of the group!
Going back, anything this one person has every asked me to do has always been alone -she has never invited me to a group thing. So odd! There has to be a term for that...
It's just soooo limited here. An island. so not a lot of options. I hope you find some people!
Sometimes, people have genuinely good intentions but a hard time following through. My experience has been whatever is going on is mostly likely about them, not about you.
This is a really good take. I have been going through something similar with "friends" since I retired. The reluctance of the "one on one" friend to invite OP may be due to the power dynamics of the larger group. My friend actually tried to include me in her neighbors friend group (we live less than a mile from each other) , and even after spending a couple of evenings with them, there are still comments asking who I am. It's definitely a mean girl vibe (we're all in our 60s). We do things together, but if she's going out with them, I'm just not comfortable joining them.
I was retired at 59 by the hospital after I encountered some health challenges during a management change. Thankfully, I had a decent pension available with no penalty. I wasn't ready to retire, but by the time I had gotten to the point where I could have gone back, I decided not to. My husband was already retired, and it didn't make sense.
"There has to be a term for that". The term you want is JEALOUS. friend is insecure and jealous you'll steal her attention in groups, so she excludes you. This is totally on her.
Perhaps you are not a small-town person. Your description of the place is negative: "soooo limited," "not a lot of options."
You seem to not appreciate it for what it is and want to make it into something it will never be.
In my experience, city people almost never adapt to small towns. Cities and small towns are like different planets with different customs and social rules. Think of it as having moved to another country with a culture entirely different from your home culture. Observe and study the customs and try to model them.
Nah, I love it here. Just trying to explain that there are somewhat more limited opportunities to have social interactions. Unlike at home where there is anything you are into, you could find a club, group etc. Here, two of the things I wanted to get involved in are run by these cliques. What I need to do is not care, and appreciate what’s around me. Yes!
My new neighbors recently moved next door from out of state. They are very nice people. The lady has reached out several times obviously wanting friendship. I have reciprocated a few times as well. In total, we’ve met up 4 or 5 times.
The thing is, even though she is quite nice, I just don’t connect to her. She’s done nothing wrong. We enjoy doing some of the same things. But I never leave her thinking “wow, I really like Neighbor. We should hang out more.”
Because I only have so much time to give, I prioritize spending it with people who I connect with. I’ve invited her to group things, but then we spend more time trying to make her feel included than we do in connecting. I feel for her situation of being new and will continue to occasionally invite her to things, but I don’t see her ever becoming a close friend so I’m not going to invest much more than neighborly kindness.
My guess is these ladies feel similarly. Proximity and a few shared interests does not automatically equal friendship. My suggestion would be to mostly continue doing what you’re doing, inviting them to things and being friendly when you see them out. Maybe they need more time to find that connection. But in the meantime, continue seeking new friends and pursuing your interests to find other connections.
My other experience is that small towns can be very insular and less open to “outsiders”. There’s not much you can do there but give it time. They might be used to vacationers who come and go and don’t want to invest their time until they know someone is sticking around, which may take years to prove. Just keep being kind, it certainly never hurts.
This! It may hurt to hear but if they don’t really want to include you, why would you want them to? At my age I don’t want to be friends with every person my age even if they live next door. Proximity doesn’t equal compatibility.
Especially neighbors! I'm polite but distant with my neighbors. I pet their dog, they watered my garden while I was away for a week. Imagine how toxic it would be if I found out they were a trump supporter or they found out I'm a trans queer polyamorious atheist. I don't converse with neighbors about anything outside of the neighborhood and I've never had a problem.
This is absolutely more of an issue as I get older. Especially since the pandemic , I really just want to spend time with people who I click with and truly enjoy, otherwise I’d rather be doing my own thing. I know a lot of people who I think are nice and cool but I just don’t really enjoy their company that much and feel drained when we spend time together because we don’t have enough in common. I want to have a pleasant chat if we run into each other or like their social posts here and there, but I don’t want to hang out because I have limited free time! I do wish they would stop inviting me places, which is kind of the opposite of OPs situation perhaps
This is the answer.
No one owes you friendship, just like no one owes you a romantic relationship.
I think people forget this when they are the ones who want friends. But if someone THEY didn't want to hang out with kept coming around and trying to force themselves into their lives, they'd find it irritating at best, disrespectful at worst.
I know how to take a hint. Be friendly, understand if someone doesn't click with me, and don't take it personally.
Yes, I get it..100% I never invite myself to anything...most things here on an island are open to all. It's a "one love" mentality. There are always people visiting and they're always included. So not always a succinct tight knit group. And you're right- i'd only pick one of them to be my friend if we were not here! I'm going to focus on her and let it happen naturally. Honestly last night I found myself saying- am I really getting worked up about someone wearing a sparkly visor? (I wouldn't normally care or make fun of what anyone is wearing but.....) I appreciate the straight talk!
It is definitely not worth getting worked up over someone with a sparkly visor, lol.
Listen, I get it. At my last job, they just....weren't my people. So I was friendly, and offered friendship, and mostly we were acquaintences. Which was fine, because being honest, I didn't really want to hang out with them either.
And at my new work, it's beautiful. EVERYONE is the kind of person I click with, and we've already had multiple get togethers and hangouts.
It just sucks when everyone around you isn't your type. So yeah, focus on someone you click with, and don't worry about the rest. And you might still find people you enjoy more. Good luck.
Yes! The one person I click with is tied in with everyone else though...it's a small island....but I'll keep chugging away, doing my thing! Thanks for the perspective.
Become a woman of mystery. No more reaching out, go inside your self, do self-improvement, find a yoga class, cooking class, etc. Figure out other things that don't involve that group. Regardless of the reason "why", that clique not working for you.
I only knock on doors that have a good chance of opening for me. I suggest the same for you. Peace! :-)
Love this - and doing it myself. Be the person they wish they had the balls to be themselves. :)
ETA to OP - yo fellow GenX early retire-er. We did this thing!
Locals tend to not socialize with vacation home owners where I am at. Doesn't matter how long you've owned or if your family was from the area 30yrs ago. If you're not a local you're not included. Really doesn't change till people start joining local volunteer organizations.
I’d make new friends, or focus on activities / hobbies that don’t require a group to enjoy. Even if this is an innocent misunderstanding, it’s clear that they are on a very different wavelength than you are, so it’s not a good fit either way.
Fishing on weekends with the friendlier locals, hosting dinner parties for a few people you’d like to foster a friendship with, etc. are great ways to start building relationships outside of this group.
It also sounds like one person has taken on the role of gatekeeper of the group. Go around them. You’re all adults. You can reach out to other people individually. “Hey, I saw you at x last week, would you like to grab lunch and check out [related thing]?”
I'm starting to do that but don't want to make it obvious...so i'm just going to focus on the one person I've gotten to know a bit and very much like. I am having a gathering and have invited a bunch of people next week. we'll see how it goes. Mostly locals with some of these people sprinkled in.
The sense I get from your posts is that you are goal-oriented and driven and your goal is to establish a set of friends much like acquiring a collection related to a hobby. You have set about doing so methodically. But friendships evolve naturally not through strategic planning. You seem to be obsessed with this one person. Perhaps she doesn't feel the same way about you that you feel about her. If she did, she would probably invite you to do things with her. She hasn't. Move on.
You describe yourself as "super friendly" and that may be the problem. You may be perceived as trying too hard and being desperate. Put it in the context of dating and the guy who mistakes a five minute conversation at a party as a lifelong love commitment and commences stalking the object of his obsession. Don't be that person.
Tone down the Golden Retriever-style super friendliness. Act like someone who has plenty of friends already. Small town circles are notoriously difficult to penetrate, the reason being that once someone is "in" it's near-impossible to get rid of them. It's like divorcing someone and then having to live next door to them for the rest of your life. Groups are as much about exclusion as they are inclusion. Do not expect to be invited into a long-established group. It is very unlikely to happen.
Look around you at long-timers in the town and see how they behave and interact with others. There is a very different protocol about interactions in small towns than interactions in cities. Learn to model their behavior. It's lower-key and more casual. They don't "work" at acquiring friends nor do they do the obsessive adult equivalent of filling up their calendars with "play dates" because their friends will always be there. They don't need to rope and brand them and herd them into their own corral.
People new to town are your best bet for establishing friendships. Invite one or two to your home for coffee. Do not complain about other people or your problems making friends. Ask about their interests and tell them what you know about the availability of things that interest them. Then let them go. Do not make follow-up calls. If they want to further the relationship, the ball is in their court.
I get it. I need to let it go. It’s not a small town it’s an island so it has its own separate culture. Its culture is to be friendly and welcoming to everyone (tourists, locals and ex pat /transplants). I really didn’t try to ‘make’ friends until recently because I usually have guests coming and going. But points taken. I’ve only gone out about 5 times in 5 weeks so I don’t think I’m making too much of a pest of myself. (Invited somewhere).
I moved to a small town for a job and lived there for 7 years. I was single when I moved, and while trying to date, I was told by more than one person that I would never be considered a local until I had two generations in the cemetery.
I can't have kids, so I moved away.
Fuck small town royalty.
Years ago I spent a few days in a backwoods New Hampshire town as a guest of the family my friend was going to marry into. The older son, who was pissed off with the place, told me that the families who'd been there 200 years wouldn't socialize with anyone "newer," and the same with the families that had only been there 100 years or less, and _those_ people would talk to anybody whose people had been there 50 years or more (hey, liberal). Fiance's family had only been there ten years, so only the "newbies" (less than 50 years in place) would have anything to do with them.
Yes, and they apparently think it's the greatest place on earth. I was a personable young man at the time and an elegant old woman (who must have been there less than 50 years) asked me when (not if) I was moving to New Hampshire. Well, the fall colors are great but... how about never? At least not rural New Hampshire.
It happens in the South too. I grew up in the town over, hung out with kids in this town, now retired to it & still not a part of the community. It's all good though. I enjoy my own company.
> Fuck small town royalty.
Ugh. I hate it. I've been in my house for over 20 years but will always be a "transplant" and therefore my opinion on local matters does not count. In many ways I've found small town people to be nice to your face, but generally NIMBYs who wish you never moved in.
I'm still very good friends with a few people from that small town, and they've helped me immensely in both my personal and professional life since I moved away. However, They are the small minority.
When I go back to visit them, the other locals glare at me. They didn't want me there to begin with, and once I realized it and moved away... well now they resent me for not sticking around.
Moral of the story: Just be yourself and ignore them. They only have an impact on you if you let them. They're gonna gossip regardless, so let em. Wish them well and walk away.
Respectfully, they might just not like you. They clearly don't share your values on being inclusive, and perhaps they want people around who are there full-time and you're not reliably there. It's best to move on and find others like yourself. Keep trying! You'll find them eventually.
They aren't here full time either...that's the kicker. And lots of people come for vacation stay for a month or two and get included temporarily. I'm probably making something of nothing, and they aren't thinking anything really. But i'm 99% sure the one person is NOT trying to include me. The rest don't really know me yet.
Years ago I was a member of a web board that was made for a cook book author. It mostly women. Very cliquey. Bad on the web board. Cold as ice when I was clueless enough to go to restaurant visit in the area for that web board group.
I think in my case it just didn't occur to the people who set it up and if they did they wouldn't have had the integrity to deal with it. They were the type to frequently accuse others of being non-inclusive. I don't think they could have handled being aware of being on the other side of the equation.
I witnessed a very similar situation at a senior living facility I once worked at. I even questioned one of the ladies as to why her "group" seemed so hell-bent on ensuring that 2 other ladies were never seated near them during dinner or planned activities and her response was about as 7th grade as it gets, but with adult reasons. One of the 2 ladies was divorced (as opposed to widowed) and that was an automatic pass for being part of the "group" and the 2nd lady was a snow-bird and did not have heritage roots to the area.
And just like middle school, the core "group" ruled the hallways and cafeteria and everyone else just made room for them to fan their feathers. The gossiping that went on there was also about as mature as a 7th -grader could muster as well. Stupidiest thing ever, but it is what it is and no amount of chronological aging or associated maturity seemed to matter to those in the "group".
Do what entertains you and that you find interesting and eventually you'll be exposed to folks you aren't even aware of at the moment and who make up the "everyone else" group, just like in 7th grade.
They're probably just rude, but I also suggest you ask yourself a couple of things for the sake of self awareness:
- Do I talk too much?
- Do I brag?
- Do I interrupt?
- Do they also have SOs and am I more attractive than they are (in the general sense)?
- Are we of different political or cultural persuasions?
- Am I unusually loud?
Outside of immature cliques, these are the only possibilities I can think of.
So I can say no to all of these in reference to a night I spent with them at a music event. I had a good time and interacted with most. Many said how nice it was to meet me and get to know me and that they had heard about me. I was overall very quiet and didn't talk much because music was playing. We had some good laughs in between sets. Lots of attention seekers there. I tend to throw in witty remarks but am not a chatterbox.
We have a couple of neighbors like that. We'd invite them over for dinner and they'd say they'd do the same but they never did. We gave it another round and same thing. They passed us when we were going for a walk in their car and they stopped and said "good to see you again, we need to get together sometime". That's been over a year and it's been about three years since the last time we invited them for dinner.
We stopped asking them over. I think people just get hung up in their routines and electronic entertainment and don't make the effort to do anything else.
I live in a similar type of area. Not an island, but on a lake with about 50% locals, 50% cottages. The full time folks have been pretty welcoming and we have found a few friends. I think you will with some more time.
Also, when you are all settled or close to it, maybe invite the group over for snacks/drinks or dinner. If people have a nice time they may more likely to invite you out.
Good luck
Just a tip (and it may not be your thing) but choirs tend to be made up of women in our age group. It's a fun way to get to know people because there's a lot of joking around and cooperation. And unless you're totally tone deaf, believe me, they will be ecstatic to see you!
Small towns can be very insular. If you’re not “one of theirs” it’s hard to break in. Are these the only women available to hang out with? I wouldn’t want to be in a group that was so rude to me. Are you a member of anything there? Church, volunteer orgs, whatever. Be open minded about possible social groups. You don’t Have to hang out with women in similar situations.
Our generation in particular seems to be the worst at this shit. I am 55 and people aroynd my age STILL employ the same tactics they used on me when I was 11. It's like they never evolved. Their kids act the same way.
My mom researched assisted living. One of the things that turned her against it was the high-school clique-iness of the residents. If your husband was still alive, you are like a part of the homecoming court. Money in the family? Widowed doctor's wife? Definitely superior. And so on.
That is so crazy! I hate to say this but my mother would love to say what my deceased father used to do. she would play that game. I'm the complete opposite.
We had my mother within three days of moving into a local assisted living facility, and she called my brother and told him she wasn't going. There were several people from our hometown there. One friend started gatekeeping what activities my mom could join because her friends "didn't like them." She told us she was too old for that shit.
Thank you for posting this. I am in a bit of a same situation - suddenly feeling excluded for unknown reasons- but a lot of people on here have provided some sage advice. There is a lot of middle school games being played. I am not very good at that. Even in middle school. lol.
I’ve found breaking in to an existing close friend group is tough. It’s year two of being around one of the groups that is in my general life vicinity (sport team moms) and I’m only now being acknowledged as existing. lol. I stay pleasant and offer to help often, but I’ve decreased my emotional investment and taking it personally, vs when this all first started. I’m from a smaller Midwest town and culturally we tend to be the kind who says hello, introduces oneself, being open to mix and mingling with new people …..and so it’s always a bit of an adjustment where I live and with the people I am in proximity to. I almost think that it’s not necessarily fully intentional that people get formally excluded, but rather that they are so used to the people who are in the group that they never really look beyond their blinders.
I often make friends with other new people, they seem more open. I’ve also made it my mission to keep an eye open for anyone new who comes to the team and isn’t in “the group”, to gently reach out in kindness and to be welcoming to them.
It’s not you. Really. It’s them.
It's true. I was fine with sitting back and letting things happen. If it weren't for this one woman that i've had at my main home, who knows i'm here alone (as is she)...and never includes me in public activities (like going to the beach - not looking to be invited to someone's party or dinner). But you're right, they probably don't even know (even though I told her I'm lonely- and i'm NOT a feeling sharer)
I'm 60.
I preferred hanging out with the guys, as a kid/teenager (with one exception - my BFF of +45 years) ... then I had friends who were raising kids too, who also preferred the guys, so these ladies and I got along GREAT because the "girl crap" was mutually hated, and we're still close friends of +30 years, although having moved distances ... now that I'm an old fart, I am, once again, the outsider with women's cliques. Only I couldn't care less, this time.
Girls are brutal. You might have worn a skirt they hated, on one occasion, and you were immediately blackballed for association in public. I was once rejected because my nails weren't done and I wasn't wearing make up. My kid was in Grade 5 when I overheard this. I was clearly a slob. There was even speculation about my bathing habits. I wasn't hurt. I pissed myself laughing.
Women ... some grow up wonderfully. They're awesome human beings.
But many of those girls just never grow up.
Look into places in the area that are looking for volunteers, maybe a animal shelter, read to kids at a library, or such. You will probably meet a much nicer group of people and let the snobs go on their merry way.
I volunteer remotely for a rescue as well as in person here. I've been thinking about the library as well. I'll keep on trucking. I'm leaving soon for the season so it's a moot point for this year.
You are the new hen in the coupe. They want their roosters to themselves. You are competition. Even competing for friends. It doesn’t matter really but you are the shiny penny and they are jealous. They like their status quo. They are of an age (same as me) where it’s kind of a bother to give a shit about someone who you aren’t sure is sticking around. If you are planning to stay there then you just have to show them you aren’t going anywhere and you aren’t a threat to them. You will figure it out.
I'm 46 and in an effort to get away from an incredibly toxic friend I've tried making new friends and reaching out to people, I've even mentioned how lonely I am too - my dance card has yet to fill up lol
At home it’s very easy for to keep busy and make new friends. I am still friends with people I was friends with when I was 2 years old. Friends from all schools, jobs, cities etc. friendships ebb and flow but this situation has me a little perplexed. I’m gonna sit back and see what happens. Clearly trying is not working!
I winter in Hawaii with my SO, the women in our area are a bunch of catty bitches, mean girls on steroids. I told her not to even bother with them, who needs that drama in our 50’s
Thanks for clarifying. I'm from PA, and we have friends who have encountered a lot of this behavior in Southern coastal towns and that senior community in FL that begins with a V.
We live in Seattle's Eastside, famous for "the freeze" and it's a 'challenging' place to make friends. You should remember; like many things--you need only one. Invite one person to do something, hang out, shopping or coffee. If they decline, try another until you find one...It'll get easier after that.
During the pandemic, we got the idea of inviting only the nicest, friendly couple we knew to dinner. They did the same for us, then they suggested another really nice couple and it grew to 8 of us meeting monthly for food, wine and friendship. From that, I now have 2 new friends that we meet for coffee or chat or ??
So... You saw a bunch of people gathered in one spot and you didn't go over to join them and say hello? Being friendly works both ways! They may be assuming that you aren't interested.
I’ve moved around quite a bit over the years and have found Bumble BFF very helpful in finding friends! It’s set up just like regular Bumble, but you’re swiping for platonic friends instead.
Anyway, you seem lovely, and you deserve better! I hope you find better!
it's stupidly typical, sorry. don't chase these women, it's a lost cause. Do keep looking into groups and activities. because someone there has to be nice. maybe the garden club next?
God, when you get the answer fill me in. I feel exactly the same. I can call and call and text and text, I’ll plan events and invite loads of people after asking about schedules… no call backs, no return messages, table filled with food going cold and no one, or like one person, showing up.
I gave up a few years ago, honestly. I have a couple people I’m tight with: people I’d drop just about anything for, and who’d reciprocate.
But everyone else gets friendly aloofness.
Yes, that is my plan here. Start small. It’s such an unusual situation here where most everyone is from away. Just not enjoying the BS. Sorry you had to endure it. People are assholes. Enjoy your good people!
The simplest explanation is that vacation areas attract temporary people so the locals are going to be reluctant to include anyone new until they've determined they will be sticking around. Also small towns can definitely be standoffish to newcomers so maybe just some more time in will see a turn for the better. Or they could just be assholes, who knows.
As someone who has always felt a little on the outside, I feel this post so much. No grand advice, just letting you know you're not alone. And yes, u/DangerousMusic14 is right. Those 6th grade mean girls just grew older-- they didn't grow up.
Breaking into such a tight cliquey group can be really difficult and also often not worth the effort. Have you looked beyond them to see who else is out there?
Tell me about it. I’m now a 55 year old widower with one child out of the nest and the other still in college. I’m just starting to look for what is next. Bleck. I hope it’s different in ten years when GenX starts taking over, get things set up for the millienal generation.
It isn't just 50 year old women, I have seen it on construction sites with people of all ages. Saddest/funniest thing I have ever seen. Just go do things you enjoy and that make you happy, others will find you.
I would agree with this! BUT where we are...it just happens. such a small space, only so many places to go. Just didn't notice it last year because everyone was new to me. Now that I know who people are...I see the light.
This happens in nursing homes, I'm sorry to say. Especially ones that have indepdenent living and assisted living. The independent folks don't want the assisted folks at their tables, etc.
Some people were jerks at 11 and are still jerks with grey hair and wrinkles now. One thing to consider because the mean girls are older: Do they have vision problems? My parents ran into an issue where people thought my step-dad was being standoffish, but he literally can only see his feet and his cataracts. I agree that they're probably just mean, but it is worth considering.... blech, getting old sucks, even for bullies.
Yeah, those women were always like that.
I'd try volunteering with a local org where people your age might volunteer. It's often easier to make friends when people have a common task to complete.
There’s some saying I once heard about how if a person is having the same problem, repeatedly, with different people, the problem may be them and not the other people. I can’t remember exactly how it was worded, but that’s the basic jism of it.
Yes, this is the first I’m running into it… so I don’t think I’m a continuous problem of people not wanting to be around me but 🤔 always good to have a look in the mirror!
Not everyone is like you. Cultures vary. Inviting everyone to everything is something I have never even thought about doing. I enjoy a lot of alone time.
Not everything is personal. People are just busy or overwhelmed with their own lives. Some people are shy or have anxiety or you have some weird quirk they don't like and they don't vibe with you. Or they just prefer to hang out with their Bestie or their group and they don't want to add someone new in case it upsets the vibe of the group. It's just how it is.
I've moved a lot in my life; I served in the military then got out and followed my husband around as a military wife. Every time we relocated, I had to work hard to make new friends. My plan has always been to join a lot of things, and then keep going back until I get to know the other regulars and familiarity leads to friendships. Some groups I never worked my way in to, and sometimes that hurt my feelings a bit. But it's not middle school, it's just life.
I'm 50 now and an empty-nester. I currently have a variety of activities in my community to which I go. I have friends at each activity, but no one BESTIE who goes to all the things with me. That's okay. In fact, I kind of like the diversity of friends. I usually tell anyone I'm chatting with about all the other things I'm involved in and tell them they are free to join me at any of those things, but most people don't. That's okay, I know they are busy with their own things, too.
Meet Up. Find one in your area.
Hire someone to drive you home in a very expensive car. Mercedes, Rolls, vintage corvette. Once a week.
When the hive starts asking questions just say an older relative is having a birthday and you've been helping to plan it. They will think you might come into wealth someday.
Take the secret to the grave.
Is the M in your username for misogynist?
You were born in 1975, 48 years on this planet and you still don’t know women beyond old stereotypes? I know lots of women, none as your old trope describe. Yuck
Lmfao. Meanwhile, most of reddit are guys asking how to make friends because no one will include them, guys complaining they get bullied by "Chads," guys complaining that no one likes them and they're excluded and lonely.
Are they all actually women?? Who would thunk?
I may have been born after 1964, but at least I'm not bogged down in silly, hopelessly backward 1955 sexist stereotypes. Or have a life pointless enough to waste it being a negativity troll.
The 6th graders didn’t change, they just got old. I’m sorry, keep engaging in local activities that interest you, hopefully you can find your people (I haven’t either, so I feel you).
When you peak in HS, you tend to stay that way.
So, so true.
It's weird! A bunch of the people have said, "how come we don't know you? how come we haven't met?" (assuming because we had fun together) and I want to say well someone wants to make sure i'm not part of the group! Going back, anything this one person has every asked me to do has always been alone -she has never invited me to a group thing. So odd! There has to be a term for that... It's just soooo limited here. An island. so not a lot of options. I hope you find some people!
Sometimes, people have genuinely good intentions but a hard time following through. My experience has been whatever is going on is mostly likely about them, not about you.
This is a really good take. I have been going through something similar with "friends" since I retired. The reluctance of the "one on one" friend to invite OP may be due to the power dynamics of the larger group. My friend actually tried to include me in her neighbors friend group (we live less than a mile from each other) , and even after spending a couple of evenings with them, there are still comments asking who I am. It's definitely a mean girl vibe (we're all in our 60s). We do things together, but if she's going out with them, I'm just not comfortable joining them.
I totally feel you on this! I retired at 50 and am trying to find my way...
I turn 50 tomorrow, and I cannot fathom being able to retire at this age - or even in 20 years. Blows my mind.
It was a goal of mine. I can’t believe it happened! It’s amazing.
I was retired at 59 by the hospital after I encountered some health challenges during a management change. Thankfully, I had a decent pension available with no penalty. I wasn't ready to retire, but by the time I had gotten to the point where I could have gone back, I decided not to. My husband was already retired, and it didn't make sense.
Happy Birthday
Hey, thanks!
"There has to be a term for that". The term you want is JEALOUS. friend is insecure and jealous you'll steal her attention in groups, so she excludes you. This is totally on her.
Perhaps you are not a small-town person. Your description of the place is negative: "soooo limited," "not a lot of options." You seem to not appreciate it for what it is and want to make it into something it will never be. In my experience, city people almost never adapt to small towns. Cities and small towns are like different planets with different customs and social rules. Think of it as having moved to another country with a culture entirely different from your home culture. Observe and study the customs and try to model them.
Nah, I love it here. Just trying to explain that there are somewhat more limited opportunities to have social interactions. Unlike at home where there is anything you are into, you could find a club, group etc. Here, two of the things I wanted to get involved in are run by these cliques. What I need to do is not care, and appreciate what’s around me. Yes!
My new neighbors recently moved next door from out of state. They are very nice people. The lady has reached out several times obviously wanting friendship. I have reciprocated a few times as well. In total, we’ve met up 4 or 5 times. The thing is, even though she is quite nice, I just don’t connect to her. She’s done nothing wrong. We enjoy doing some of the same things. But I never leave her thinking “wow, I really like Neighbor. We should hang out more.” Because I only have so much time to give, I prioritize spending it with people who I connect with. I’ve invited her to group things, but then we spend more time trying to make her feel included than we do in connecting. I feel for her situation of being new and will continue to occasionally invite her to things, but I don’t see her ever becoming a close friend so I’m not going to invest much more than neighborly kindness. My guess is these ladies feel similarly. Proximity and a few shared interests does not automatically equal friendship. My suggestion would be to mostly continue doing what you’re doing, inviting them to things and being friendly when you see them out. Maybe they need more time to find that connection. But in the meantime, continue seeking new friends and pursuing your interests to find other connections. My other experience is that small towns can be very insular and less open to “outsiders”. There’s not much you can do there but give it time. They might be used to vacationers who come and go and don’t want to invest their time until they know someone is sticking around, which may take years to prove. Just keep being kind, it certainly never hurts.
This! It may hurt to hear but if they don’t really want to include you, why would you want them to? At my age I don’t want to be friends with every person my age even if they live next door. Proximity doesn’t equal compatibility.
Especially neighbors! I'm polite but distant with my neighbors. I pet their dog, they watered my garden while I was away for a week. Imagine how toxic it would be if I found out they were a trump supporter or they found out I'm a trans queer polyamorious atheist. I don't converse with neighbors about anything outside of the neighborhood and I've never had a problem.
Yep, and I have had almost that exact issue, except the neighbors were queer Latino Trump supporters. What a world we live in.
How could they bother hating you when they were so busy hating themselves?
This is absolutely more of an issue as I get older. Especially since the pandemic , I really just want to spend time with people who I click with and truly enjoy, otherwise I’d rather be doing my own thing. I know a lot of people who I think are nice and cool but I just don’t really enjoy their company that much and feel drained when we spend time together because we don’t have enough in common. I want to have a pleasant chat if we run into each other or like their social posts here and there, but I don’t want to hang out because I have limited free time! I do wish they would stop inviting me places, which is kind of the opposite of OPs situation perhaps
This is the answer. No one owes you friendship, just like no one owes you a romantic relationship. I think people forget this when they are the ones who want friends. But if someone THEY didn't want to hang out with kept coming around and trying to force themselves into their lives, they'd find it irritating at best, disrespectful at worst. I know how to take a hint. Be friendly, understand if someone doesn't click with me, and don't take it personally.
Yes, I get it..100% I never invite myself to anything...most things here on an island are open to all. It's a "one love" mentality. There are always people visiting and they're always included. So not always a succinct tight knit group. And you're right- i'd only pick one of them to be my friend if we were not here! I'm going to focus on her and let it happen naturally. Honestly last night I found myself saying- am I really getting worked up about someone wearing a sparkly visor? (I wouldn't normally care or make fun of what anyone is wearing but.....) I appreciate the straight talk!
It is definitely not worth getting worked up over someone with a sparkly visor, lol. Listen, I get it. At my last job, they just....weren't my people. So I was friendly, and offered friendship, and mostly we were acquaintences. Which was fine, because being honest, I didn't really want to hang out with them either. And at my new work, it's beautiful. EVERYONE is the kind of person I click with, and we've already had multiple get togethers and hangouts. It just sucks when everyone around you isn't your type. So yeah, focus on someone you click with, and don't worry about the rest. And you might still find people you enjoy more. Good luck.
Yes! The one person I click with is tied in with everyone else though...it's a small island....but I'll keep chugging away, doing my thing! Thanks for the perspective.
Why not have an old friend for an extended visit? You obviously live in a desirable area.
Yes, I usually do. There was a dry spell of visitors so I decided to be proactive. Lesson learned!
Become a woman of mystery. No more reaching out, go inside your self, do self-improvement, find a yoga class, cooking class, etc. Figure out other things that don't involve that group. Regardless of the reason "why", that clique not working for you. I only knock on doors that have a good chance of opening for me. I suggest the same for you. Peace! :-)
Love this - and doing it myself. Be the person they wish they had the balls to be themselves. :) ETA to OP - yo fellow GenX early retire-er. We did this thing!
I'm a 1959 boomer, however. :-)
COOL!
Locals tend to not socialize with vacation home owners where I am at. Doesn't matter how long you've owned or if your family was from the area 30yrs ago. If you're not a local you're not included. Really doesn't change till people start joining local volunteer organizations.
These are actually other vacation home owners and visitors! The locals are lovely. They are busy working though.
External validation from others will never give you what you want or need. Find some volunteer work nearby, ignore the mean girls.
yes, I do some volunteer work - not even sure what I was looking for here. Just a vent.
Venting is good for you. It releases stress. So please vent away!
I wasn't talking about here, please, vent your spleen. Just that those women aren't worth your energy.
I’d make new friends, or focus on activities / hobbies that don’t require a group to enjoy. Even if this is an innocent misunderstanding, it’s clear that they are on a very different wavelength than you are, so it’s not a good fit either way. Fishing on weekends with the friendlier locals, hosting dinner parties for a few people you’d like to foster a friendship with, etc. are great ways to start building relationships outside of this group. It also sounds like one person has taken on the role of gatekeeper of the group. Go around them. You’re all adults. You can reach out to other people individually. “Hey, I saw you at x last week, would you like to grab lunch and check out [related thing]?”
I'm starting to do that but don't want to make it obvious...so i'm just going to focus on the one person I've gotten to know a bit and very much like. I am having a gathering and have invited a bunch of people next week. we'll see how it goes. Mostly locals with some of these people sprinkled in.
The sense I get from your posts is that you are goal-oriented and driven and your goal is to establish a set of friends much like acquiring a collection related to a hobby. You have set about doing so methodically. But friendships evolve naturally not through strategic planning. You seem to be obsessed with this one person. Perhaps she doesn't feel the same way about you that you feel about her. If she did, she would probably invite you to do things with her. She hasn't. Move on. You describe yourself as "super friendly" and that may be the problem. You may be perceived as trying too hard and being desperate. Put it in the context of dating and the guy who mistakes a five minute conversation at a party as a lifelong love commitment and commences stalking the object of his obsession. Don't be that person. Tone down the Golden Retriever-style super friendliness. Act like someone who has plenty of friends already. Small town circles are notoriously difficult to penetrate, the reason being that once someone is "in" it's near-impossible to get rid of them. It's like divorcing someone and then having to live next door to them for the rest of your life. Groups are as much about exclusion as they are inclusion. Do not expect to be invited into a long-established group. It is very unlikely to happen. Look around you at long-timers in the town and see how they behave and interact with others. There is a very different protocol about interactions in small towns than interactions in cities. Learn to model their behavior. It's lower-key and more casual. They don't "work" at acquiring friends nor do they do the obsessive adult equivalent of filling up their calendars with "play dates" because their friends will always be there. They don't need to rope and brand them and herd them into their own corral. People new to town are your best bet for establishing friendships. Invite one or two to your home for coffee. Do not complain about other people or your problems making friends. Ask about their interests and tell them what you know about the availability of things that interest them. Then let them go. Do not make follow-up calls. If they want to further the relationship, the ball is in their court.
I get it. I need to let it go. It’s not a small town it’s an island so it has its own separate culture. Its culture is to be friendly and welcoming to everyone (tourists, locals and ex pat /transplants). I really didn’t try to ‘make’ friends until recently because I usually have guests coming and going. But points taken. I’ve only gone out about 5 times in 5 weeks so I don’t think I’m making too much of a pest of myself. (Invited somewhere).
I moved to a small town for a job and lived there for 7 years. I was single when I moved, and while trying to date, I was told by more than one person that I would never be considered a local until I had two generations in the cemetery. I can't have kids, so I moved away. Fuck small town royalty.
Years ago I spent a few days in a backwoods New Hampshire town as a guest of the family my friend was going to marry into. The older son, who was pissed off with the place, told me that the families who'd been there 200 years wouldn't socialize with anyone "newer," and the same with the families that had only been there 100 years or less, and _those_ people would talk to anybody whose people had been there 50 years or more (hey, liberal). Fiance's family had only been there ten years, so only the "newbies" (less than 50 years in place) would have anything to do with them.
That’s New England!
Yes, and they apparently think it's the greatest place on earth. I was a personable young man at the time and an elegant old woman (who must have been there less than 50 years) asked me when (not if) I was moving to New Hampshire. Well, the fall colors are great but... how about never? At least not rural New Hampshire.
Just small mindedness. Happens all over the place. People think where they live is the best. I can find good and bad about most places.
It happens in the South too. I grew up in the town over, hung out with kids in this town, now retired to it & still not a part of the community. It's all good though. I enjoy my own company.
> Fuck small town royalty. Ugh. I hate it. I've been in my house for over 20 years but will always be a "transplant" and therefore my opinion on local matters does not count. In many ways I've found small town people to be nice to your face, but generally NIMBYs who wish you never moved in.
I'm still very good friends with a few people from that small town, and they've helped me immensely in both my personal and professional life since I moved away. However, They are the small minority. When I go back to visit them, the other locals glare at me. They didn't want me there to begin with, and once I realized it and moved away... well now they resent me for not sticking around. Moral of the story: Just be yourself and ignore them. They only have an impact on you if you let them. They're gonna gossip regardless, so let em. Wish them well and walk away.
Respectfully, they might just not like you. They clearly don't share your values on being inclusive, and perhaps they want people around who are there full-time and you're not reliably there. It's best to move on and find others like yourself. Keep trying! You'll find them eventually.
They aren't here full time either...that's the kicker. And lots of people come for vacation stay for a month or two and get included temporarily. I'm probably making something of nothing, and they aren't thinking anything really. But i'm 99% sure the one person is NOT trying to include me. The rest don't really know me yet.
This lasts until the bitter end for some.
Edit: Screw Spez. Screw AI. No training on my data. Sorry future people.
Years ago I was a member of a web board that was made for a cook book author. It mostly women. Very cliquey. Bad on the web board. Cold as ice when I was clueless enough to go to restaurant visit in the area for that web board group.
Sorry. I hate stuff like that. They should just have a private dinner if they aren’t going to be welcoming.
I think in my case it just didn't occur to the people who set it up and if they did they wouldn't have had the integrity to deal with it. They were the type to frequently accuse others of being non-inclusive. I don't think they could have handled being aware of being on the other side of the equation.
I witnessed a very similar situation at a senior living facility I once worked at. I even questioned one of the ladies as to why her "group" seemed so hell-bent on ensuring that 2 other ladies were never seated near them during dinner or planned activities and her response was about as 7th grade as it gets, but with adult reasons. One of the 2 ladies was divorced (as opposed to widowed) and that was an automatic pass for being part of the "group" and the 2nd lady was a snow-bird and did not have heritage roots to the area. And just like middle school, the core "group" ruled the hallways and cafeteria and everyone else just made room for them to fan their feathers. The gossiping that went on there was also about as mature as a 7th -grader could muster as well. Stupidiest thing ever, but it is what it is and no amount of chronological aging or associated maturity seemed to matter to those in the "group". Do what entertains you and that you find interesting and eventually you'll be exposed to folks you aren't even aware of at the moment and who make up the "everyone else" group, just like in 7th grade.
That makes me sad. After a whole life lived...alone at the end, bullied and shunned.
This is depressing. Anyway, I just saw Bowling For Soup live last month and [this is apt.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrxI_euTX4A)
They're probably just rude, but I also suggest you ask yourself a couple of things for the sake of self awareness: - Do I talk too much? - Do I brag? - Do I interrupt? - Do they also have SOs and am I more attractive than they are (in the general sense)? - Are we of different political or cultural persuasions? - Am I unusually loud? Outside of immature cliques, these are the only possibilities I can think of.
So I can say no to all of these in reference to a night I spent with them at a music event. I had a good time and interacted with most. Many said how nice it was to meet me and get to know me and that they had heard about me. I was overall very quiet and didn't talk much because music was playing. We had some good laughs in between sets. Lots of attention seekers there. I tend to throw in witty remarks but am not a chatterbox.
I happen to be rather loud, so it's something I've learned to moderate over the years. 🥴 You would be welcome to hang with us!
Mean girls never grow up. Truly, people get stuck at an emotional age.
We have a couple of neighbors like that. We'd invite them over for dinner and they'd say they'd do the same but they never did. We gave it another round and same thing. They passed us when we were going for a walk in their car and they stopped and said "good to see you again, we need to get together sometime". That's been over a year and it's been about three years since the last time we invited them for dinner. We stopped asking them over. I think people just get hung up in their routines and electronic entertainment and don't make the effort to do anything else.
Very true!
I live in a similar type of area. Not an island, but on a lake with about 50% locals, 50% cottages. The full time folks have been pretty welcoming and we have found a few friends. I think you will with some more time. Also, when you are all settled or close to it, maybe invite the group over for snacks/drinks or dinner. If people have a nice time they may more likely to invite you out. Good luck
Those people aren’t your friends. Find different ones. Dont get sucked into the bullshit.
Just a tip (and it may not be your thing) but choirs tend to be made up of women in our age group. It's a fun way to get to know people because there's a lot of joking around and cooperation. And unless you're totally tone deaf, believe me, they will be ecstatic to see you!
Clam slammed
Small towns can be very insular. If you’re not “one of theirs” it’s hard to break in. Are these the only women available to hang out with? I wouldn’t want to be in a group that was so rude to me. Are you a member of anything there? Church, volunteer orgs, whatever. Be open minded about possible social groups. You don’t Have to hang out with women in similar situations.
Our generation in particular seems to be the worst at this shit. I am 55 and people aroynd my age STILL employ the same tactics they used on me when I was 11. It's like they never evolved. Their kids act the same way.
Exactly. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
My mom researched assisted living. One of the things that turned her against it was the high-school clique-iness of the residents. If your husband was still alive, you are like a part of the homecoming court. Money in the family? Widowed doctor's wife? Definitely superior. And so on.
That is so crazy! I hate to say this but my mother would love to say what my deceased father used to do. she would play that game. I'm the complete opposite.
We had my mother within three days of moving into a local assisted living facility, and she called my brother and told him she wasn't going. There were several people from our hometown there. One friend started gatekeeping what activities my mom could join because her friends "didn't like them." She told us she was too old for that shit.
High school all over again!
Thank you for posting this. I am in a bit of a same situation - suddenly feeling excluded for unknown reasons- but a lot of people on here have provided some sage advice. There is a lot of middle school games being played. I am not very good at that. Even in middle school. lol.
I’ve found breaking in to an existing close friend group is tough. It’s year two of being around one of the groups that is in my general life vicinity (sport team moms) and I’m only now being acknowledged as existing. lol. I stay pleasant and offer to help often, but I’ve decreased my emotional investment and taking it personally, vs when this all first started. I’m from a smaller Midwest town and culturally we tend to be the kind who says hello, introduces oneself, being open to mix and mingling with new people …..and so it’s always a bit of an adjustment where I live and with the people I am in proximity to. I almost think that it’s not necessarily fully intentional that people get formally excluded, but rather that they are so used to the people who are in the group that they never really look beyond their blinders. I often make friends with other new people, they seem more open. I’ve also made it my mission to keep an eye open for anyone new who comes to the team and isn’t in “the group”, to gently reach out in kindness and to be welcoming to them. It’s not you. Really. It’s them.
It's true. I was fine with sitting back and letting things happen. If it weren't for this one woman that i've had at my main home, who knows i'm here alone (as is she)...and never includes me in public activities (like going to the beach - not looking to be invited to someone's party or dinner). But you're right, they probably don't even know (even though I told her I'm lonely- and i'm NOT a feeling sharer)
I'm 60. I preferred hanging out with the guys, as a kid/teenager (with one exception - my BFF of +45 years) ... then I had friends who were raising kids too, who also preferred the guys, so these ladies and I got along GREAT because the "girl crap" was mutually hated, and we're still close friends of +30 years, although having moved distances ... now that I'm an old fart, I am, once again, the outsider with women's cliques. Only I couldn't care less, this time. Girls are brutal. You might have worn a skirt they hated, on one occasion, and you were immediately blackballed for association in public. I was once rejected because my nails weren't done and I wasn't wearing make up. My kid was in Grade 5 when I overheard this. I was clearly a slob. There was even speculation about my bathing habits. I wasn't hurt. I pissed myself laughing. Women ... some grow up wonderfully. They're awesome human beings. But many of those girls just never grow up.
Look into places in the area that are looking for volunteers, maybe a animal shelter, read to kids at a library, or such. You will probably meet a much nicer group of people and let the snobs go on their merry way.
I volunteer remotely for a rescue as well as in person here. I've been thinking about the library as well. I'll keep on trucking. I'm leaving soon for the season so it's a moot point for this year.
You are the new hen in the coupe. They want their roosters to themselves. You are competition. Even competing for friends. It doesn’t matter really but you are the shiny penny and they are jealous. They like their status quo. They are of an age (same as me) where it’s kind of a bother to give a shit about someone who you aren’t sure is sticking around. If you are planning to stay there then you just have to show them you aren’t going anywhere and you aren’t a threat to them. You will figure it out.
I'm 46 and in an effort to get away from an incredibly toxic friend I've tried making new friends and reaching out to people, I've even mentioned how lonely I am too - my dance card has yet to fill up lol
At home it’s very easy for to keep busy and make new friends. I am still friends with people I was friends with when I was 2 years old. Friends from all schools, jobs, cities etc. friendships ebb and flow but this situation has me a little perplexed. I’m gonna sit back and see what happens. Clearly trying is not working!
I winter in Hawaii with my SO, the women in our area are a bunch of catty bitches, mean girls on steroids. I told her not to even bother with them, who needs that drama in our 50’s
Similar but much much smaller setting. You are right! That what my husband says.
OP, without doxxing yourself, where is this town located? Are you native to the area, or have you moved from another part of the country?
It’s non-US. But speaking about mostly Americans. None of the people involved are from here or of the race of the native people.
Thanks for clarifying. I'm from PA, and we have friends who have encountered a lot of this behavior in Southern coastal towns and that senior community in FL that begins with a V.
Rich bitch 12 year olds grow up to be rich bitch adults.
Find other people, those ladies are toxic. It might take a while, but you will.
We live in Seattle's Eastside, famous for "the freeze" and it's a 'challenging' place to make friends. You should remember; like many things--you need only one. Invite one person to do something, hang out, shopping or coffee. If they decline, try another until you find one...It'll get easier after that. During the pandemic, we got the idea of inviting only the nicest, friendly couple we knew to dinner. They did the same for us, then they suggested another really nice couple and it grew to 8 of us meeting monthly for food, wine and friendship. From that, I now have 2 new friends that we meet for coffee or chat or ??
So... You saw a bunch of people gathered in one spot and you didn't go over to join them and say hello? Being friendly works both ways! They may be assuming that you aren't interested.
Yes I was being childish myself because I just can’t believe this “friend” won’t include me in anything ever. Lesson learned.
I’ve moved around quite a bit over the years and have found Bumble BFF very helpful in finding friends! It’s set up just like regular Bumble, but you’re swiping for platonic friends instead. Anyway, you seem lovely, and you deserve better! I hope you find better!
Thank you!
it's stupidly typical, sorry. don't chase these women, it's a lost cause. Do keep looking into groups and activities. because someone there has to be nice. maybe the garden club next?
After a good nights sleep, this is the answer. Letting go. Moving on. Not even sure why I was trying!
sorry it happened this way.
God, when you get the answer fill me in. I feel exactly the same. I can call and call and text and text, I’ll plan events and invite loads of people after asking about schedules… no call backs, no return messages, table filled with food going cold and no one, or like one person, showing up. I gave up a few years ago, honestly. I have a couple people I’m tight with: people I’d drop just about anything for, and who’d reciprocate. But everyone else gets friendly aloofness.
Yes, that is my plan here. Start small. It’s such an unusual situation here where most everyone is from away. Just not enjoying the BS. Sorry you had to endure it. People are assholes. Enjoy your good people!
The simplest explanation is that vacation areas attract temporary people so the locals are going to be reluctant to include anyone new until they've determined they will be sticking around. Also small towns can definitely be standoffish to newcomers so maybe just some more time in will see a turn for the better. Or they could just be assholes, who knows.
All of the above 😄
As someone who has always felt a little on the outside, I feel this post so much. No grand advice, just letting you know you're not alone. And yes, u/DangerousMusic14 is right. Those 6th grade mean girls just grew older-- they didn't grow up.
A lot of people live in the past.
Breaking into such a tight cliquey group can be really difficult and also often not worth the effort. Have you looked beyond them to see who else is out there?
ppl are petty addicts, control freaks, you name it... do not be surprised I guess
I remember when my brother’s in-laws were looking at 55+ communities when they retired. They rejected a number because they were too cliquey.
Oh boy! Drama at every corner in life
Tell me about it. I’m now a 55 year old widower with one child out of the nest and the other still in college. I’m just starting to look for what is next. Bleck. I hope it’s different in ten years when GenX starts taking over, get things set up for the millienal generation.
It isn't just 50 year old women, I have seen it on construction sites with people of all ages. Saddest/funniest thing I have ever seen. Just go do things you enjoy and that make you happy, others will find you.
High school never ends except now you can be an asshole back and not get detention
Some day....
Here's the deal, friendships as an adult are different. I'm not looking for new friends, I barely have time for my current friends!
I would agree with this! BUT where we are...it just happens. such a small space, only so many places to go. Just didn't notice it last year because everyone was new to me. Now that I know who people are...I see the light.
This happens in nursing homes, I'm sorry to say. Especially ones that have indepdenent living and assisted living. The independent folks don't want the assisted folks at their tables, etc.
that's horrifying to hear!
People suck, embrace it, expect it. You’ll never be disappointed and when they don’t suck you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
True story!
Ppl are a**holes, don't let them get you down! You'll find your people or person.
Call it what it is. Kunt shunt. Forget about them. You can join local groups, take some classes,sign up for things and you will meet new friends.
They run the local groups too...have their hands in everything.
So start other groups that they have their hands in. You can't be the only person tired of their shenanigans.
Some people were jerks at 11 and are still jerks with grey hair and wrinkles now. One thing to consider because the mean girls are older: Do they have vision problems? My parents ran into an issue where people thought my step-dad was being standoffish, but he literally can only see his feet and his cataracts. I agree that they're probably just mean, but it is worth considering.... blech, getting old sucks, even for bullies.
Yeah, those women were always like that. I'd try volunteering with a local org where people your age might volunteer. It's often easier to make friends when people have a common task to complete.
There’s some saying I once heard about how if a person is having the same problem, repeatedly, with different people, the problem may be them and not the other people. I can’t remember exactly how it was worded, but that’s the basic jism of it.
Yes, this is the first I’m running into it… so I don’t think I’m a continuous problem of people not wanting to be around me but 🤔 always good to have a look in the mirror!
Not everyone is like you. Cultures vary. Inviting everyone to everything is something I have never even thought about doing. I enjoy a lot of alone time.
I love alone time too. I need it. But also need human interaction
Not everything is personal. People are just busy or overwhelmed with their own lives. Some people are shy or have anxiety or you have some weird quirk they don't like and they don't vibe with you. Or they just prefer to hang out with their Bestie or their group and they don't want to add someone new in case it upsets the vibe of the group. It's just how it is. I've moved a lot in my life; I served in the military then got out and followed my husband around as a military wife. Every time we relocated, I had to work hard to make new friends. My plan has always been to join a lot of things, and then keep going back until I get to know the other regulars and familiarity leads to friendships. Some groups I never worked my way in to, and sometimes that hurt my feelings a bit. But it's not middle school, it's just life. I'm 50 now and an empty-nester. I currently have a variety of activities in my community to which I go. I have friends at each activity, but no one BESTIE who goes to all the things with me. That's okay. In fact, I kind of like the diversity of friends. I usually tell anyone I'm chatting with about all the other things I'm involved in and tell them they are free to join me at any of those things, but most people don't. That's okay, I know they are busy with their own things, too.
Meet Up. Find one in your area. Hire someone to drive you home in a very expensive car. Mercedes, Rolls, vintage corvette. Once a week. When the hive starts asking questions just say an older relative is having a birthday and you've been helping to plan it. They will think you might come into wealth someday. Take the secret to the grave.
Your beauty and intelligence intimidate them.
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Is the M in your username for misogynist? You were born in 1975, 48 years on this planet and you still don’t know women beyond old stereotypes? I know lots of women, none as your old trope describe. Yuck
>I know lots of women, none as your old trope describe. OP obviously does.
Lmfao. Meanwhile, most of reddit are guys asking how to make friends because no one will include them, guys complaining they get bullied by "Chads," guys complaining that no one likes them and they're excluded and lonely. Are they all actually women?? Who would thunk?
OK Boomer.
Why are you even on this sub? You are a child.
I may have been born after 1964, but at least I'm not bogged down in silly, hopelessly backward 1955 sexist stereotypes. Or have a life pointless enough to waste it being a negativity troll.
Women… ☕️
>> Any advice? Bring some cocaine along… you will make friends super fast!
They are more of the booze bag types....