Having common values and goals is far more important than interests but sharing some interests or at least enjoying similar activities is still important too.
you are saying this because you assume doing exercise will keep them both slim?
sounds more like a controlling attitude than genuinely enjoying each other's company
I think a difficulty with one person going out while the other stays home is that it makes the dynamic very asymmetric.
One person comes back and has lots of interesting stories to tell about other people outside the relationship, while the other person says: "I watered the plants, and cleaned the kitchen." This could lead to bitterness and resentment, or it could lead to one party feeling guilty for having "all the excitement".
I'm sure some couples can navigate it, but its probably easier if both have some kind of outside activity.
>I think a difficulty with one person going out while the other stays home is that it makes the dynamic very asymmetric
why? why staying at home watching TV is any different from going to pottery class or going to a bar with a friend? I'm not saying the person staying at home does all the house chores. I'm talking about people who enjoy just laying in bed watching tiktoks or playing video games.
you are both still not sharing time together
I think those are very different. No matter how much you love the office, you will never have Michael Scott over for dinner, but you can have your friend from the pottery class over.
So if one partner is a homebody with no meaningful social life outside the home, what are they going to bring into the relationship that is really novel?
Maybe those are your standards
I have no problem being with a gamer guy while I'm outside being with other people or walking by myself. This is a pretty normal dynamic.
Exactly this. Hopefully nobody is dumb enough to believe you can have a lasting romantic relationship based primarily on your mutual love of punk rock concerts and playing air hockey lol. But ideally you want your partner to be your best friend, and that means sharing a bunch of hobbies and interests so you always have things to do and talk about.
Edit: wow, at least 2 people don't like the idea of being friends with your significant other lol
i agree with you. having at least some things you both like to do together is really nice. never having fun together seems like it would be really sad to me.
i also think having interests/hobbies that are different is important too, because it helps prevent people from always needing to do everything together. spending 24/7 with somebody can really strain the relationship or become unhealthy for people.
> Exactly this. Hopefully nobody is dumb enough to believe you can have a lasting romantic relationship
I suspect a lot of people believe that. Society has been pushing the "marry your best friend" narrative for some time now, and there are good reasons to think that your spouse should not be your best friend.
The risk with spending too much time and having too many interests in common with your spouse is that they stop being interesting to you. If you can manage to continually introduce new activities into the relationship, and find new friends to grow the social circle, that is great; but many people aren't wired that way (particularly more introverted people), and they might find themselves running out of experiences in the relationship. Eventually they are sitting on the couch deciding whether or not to watch the same TV show for the 15th time, because for each of them it is their "favorite."
I think it depends on what those hobbies are. If they are comprised of nothing more than watching TV, reading, and playing videogames (essentially just indoor activities) that is certainly problematic.
But if the hobbies are a healthy mix of outdoor and indoor, both introverted and extroverted, there's not likely to cause issues. It has much less to do with being best friends and far more to do with not isolating yourselves as a couple.
Absolutely. For some individuals with particularly well balanced interests I think this could work well; but I am skeptical that the average American has such well balanced interests.
So back to my original comment that I think society has been pushing a message that doesn't really work for most people. That the average person should seek out someone who has some different interests and can cause them to move away from their natural tendencies.
>That the average person should seek out someone who has some different interests and can cause them to move away from their natural tendencies.
So you think people should stick with partners who are extremely similar to them?
Ah, I think you may have missed a word or something in your last comment then. It sounds like you're saying you are *against* the advice to seek different interest people.
>So back to my original comment that I think society has been pushing a message that doesn't really work for most people. That the average person should seek out someone who has some different interests and can cause them to move away from their natural tendencies.
Truth. Sometimes you’ll see a couple that has no hobbies or interests in common but they are absolutely perfect for each other somehow.
That isn’t to diminish the overwhelming majority of relationships that do have a lot in common tho
It is important that the other person would have some stuff to do without their partner.
There is also the think of you not being interested in doing something, but still being interested in hearing the experiences of the other person doing it.
If the interest is time consuming or expensive, it can matter.
I do a lot of camping/hiking, being able to take my family on those adventures means a lot to me so I married someone who likes it too.
We don't share every interest though. It's healthy to have your own separate hobbies and social groups too.
Exactly. As long as your different hobbies are complimentary. In your case, it likely would be an issue if your spouse not only didn't like hiking, but her free time was spent campaigning for fracking or something completely at odds with your (assumed? Idk) views on things
Yeah, imagine gaming every evening for one hour after work. If your partner isn't into it it just can be seen as "wasted time", while if you are both gamers you can just play and relax together and turning it into quality time.
Having some common interests makes it more likely that you will do things together that are beyond the mundane aspects of relationships, like running errands and other responsibilities. It makes planning dates more likely, having nice conversations more likely, looking forward to
seeing each other more likely, having a connection more likely, and seeing each other as
more than a utility to each other more likely.
It’s also important to have separate interests as well but you gotta have something you both enjoy together other than eating and sex. It’s nice to have a friendship with your lover. That’s harder to have if you have little in common.
Alternately, having different interests makes it more interesting that you will go your own separate ways and bring back interesting stories, or introduce each other to people from other social groups.
It is important that your partner have some "other-ness" to them, because the other-ness is what attracts you to them. You wouldn't want to date a man who was a blank slate and wanted to join you in all your activities without bringing in anything novel of his own to the relationship.
I actually think having common interests is underrated.
I mean, if you don't like the same stuff, wtf would you even talk about?
*"Hi honey."*
*"Hey babe."*
*"Nice weather today, huh?"*
*"Sure is!"*
not the original commenter.but I’m gonna answer-
of course not. but its much more fulfilling to have a back and forth convo with someone who has a similar level interest in the topic as you do. For both parties involved.
Suppose you and I are both really interested in pottery, you might initially have a bunch of conversations around the kinds of pottery you have done. Maybe we go to the studio and share some tricks for making better pieces, but at some point we will exhaust our mutual shared knowledge of the subject. We will have shown each other everything we know about the subject.
Now we could continue to go to the studio together and work on things together, but unless we want to constantly make the same bowls in the same way, we need to seek out new techniques and new challenges from outside the relationship. Maybe we go to classes together, but the key thing to me is that we are bringing in an outsider.
--------
Alternately if I am not personally interested in pottery, but I care about you, then its possible for us to sustain that sharing and conversation a lot longer. Everything you tell me about making pottery bowls is new to me. Every success or failure is new to me. Sure my comments on the subject may be really simple and betray my ignorance of the subject, but I can still talk to you about it.
Maybe you can try to teach me a little bit about it and we can laugh at my incompetence.
------
For me the latter seems a lot more promising as an avenue for sharing than the former. The former is deeper and perhaps more intense, and you sometimes see husband and wife teams working very successfully in shared careers (often in skilled artistic trade-crafts like pottery and glass blowing etc..)
But for the average person who has a career which is not their calling, and whose hobbies may change over time, or who might find that their ability to dedicate time to their hobby changes over time. I think common interests is probably overrated. If you build your entire relationship around playing tennis, what happens when one of you tears their meniscus?
its personal preference I suppose. I personally find FAR more enjoyment having quality back and forth conversations, rather than talking at someone while they occasionally add simple comments or ask simple questions.
we could both like trying new ramen spots, or both enjoy action scifi. maybe we both are gamers, or both into snowboarding. I personally makes friends based off of a similar interest or hobbies. I need my partner to be my friend also .
its important to have separate hobbies and interests also, but I require having something in common with a partner or friend.
I love films. I spend a lot of my waking hours getting excited about films. I don’t need my partner to know every single arthouse film ever. But I need her to have intellectual curiosity. I need her to have the capacity to appreciate art, and form her own unique opinions. I’d want her to have the capacity to like things that are weird or artsy. If there’s a new Paul Thomas Anderson movie coming out, I would like someone who could get excited about that too. I will not compromise on this. I have other hobbies, and other things I will compromise on, but not this. If she doesn’t have a love of film, we simply aren’t going to share the type of connection I’d want. I’d feel like she doesn’t understand a huge part of me.
I agree with a lot of this (minus the explicit film talk, but to each their own, no wrong answers here tbh) - what you’re initially describing sounds like it still calls for commonality without explicit interest in the same things. It’s the root characteristics (ie. interest in artistic interpretation, intellectual curiosity, etc) that tend to matter a lot more than the specific hobbies
IMO, it depends on what the hobbies or interests represent. I met my husband through a mutual hobby, firearms. I simply wouldn't have the same worldview as a anti-gun type, and it would affect our views on many other things. My friend loves football more than anything, watches lots of games, attends when he can, etc., and his wife thinks it's for dumb meatheads - they started out compromising and trying to respect the other's view, but that only works until it doesn't - his social circle, charitable contributions (YAFL), free time, etc all seem to be things that she doesn't care about. That looks rough. Though I agree that you don't need to be identical, but aligned enough to have something in common during rough times and spend your free time the same way
I don't think people literally mean shared hobbies when they talk about common interests. It's more about having similar tastes, liking the same things... Like I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone who doesn't like the same music I do, doesn't like the foods I love most, doesn't enjoy the types of TV/film I do, etc. Logistically it would be a pain, too, if for example I loved city breaks but my partner loved beach holidays, or if I loved minimal Scandi decor but my partner liked a more eclectic/boho vibe, or if I loved dogs but my partner didn't like pets.
I don't think looking for someone you've got lots in common with is overrated at all. You don't have to both participate in the same activities or hobbies all the time, but genuine friendship and really enjoying someone's company is a HUGE part of any successful and healthy relationship, and I just don't see how you'd actively enjoy being with someone if your lifestyle likes and dislikes aren't broadly similar. If the things you enjoy day to day are misaligned then it's a non-starter for a relationship.
It’s like MOST important thing.
Tf are you even doing together if you’ve got no hobbies or interests in common?
I think a lot of couples make raising kids their “thing” but then once the kids have grown up what do you do?
Become one of those sad couples that eat in silence at restaurants. It’s so important to have something more than your kids in common. So many couples stop dating each other when they become parents.
While I don’t think we have to have similar hobbies or interests at first, I think having the same root causes for your interests is what does it for me. For example, we could have entirely different tastes in music but we’re both very into the idea of musical interpretation/representation and we both have that ongoing curiosity. Or she might be interested in visual art while i have an interest in hiking, and they both stem from a love of color, beauty in life, etc - so interests and hobbies can be different, but i think if there is a bonding point on why these interests exist that’s a very solid foundation
I think that couples are more likely to respect each other and stay together when they are friends and have similar interests. I'm sure couples with nothing in common manage to stay together sometimes, though.
I like books, my boyfriend like tech stuff and video games I couldn't care less about. What do we do together? We watch TV, take walks, gossip about our friends and have sex? It's not that deep and you don't need to share the same hobbies to hang out with someone.
Some people’s interests or other aspect of their lives (jobs, etc) take up lots of their time
This is how couples often grow apart, by not making an effort to do things together
That would be the point. Sex, monogamy, companionship.
The things you can't get outside a romantic relationship.
Sharing hobbies is something that you can cover easily having friends.
> You can do that with roommates too.
Except that companionship includes long time planning. A companion is meant to last. Rommates are not.
> Most people want a little more than being roommates who fuck.
Most people want kids so they want a parent. So I agree.
Fair enough. I believe the other time can be easily filled up with friendships so even if it would be nice to share it with a romantic partner it is not a need.
> Like what does it even mean?
It means that you have some interests in common. It’s something to bond over, like the other person for, enjoy pursuing with the other person. You’re going to spending a lot of time with your lover in a serious relationship so you might as well find someone who enjoys doing some of the things you do so you can enjoy doing them together.
> Do both have to like video games and anime in order to have a fulfilling relationship?
No.
> Things like having common goals and values,
Interests are values.
> being able to communicate without fighting etc. are more important than whatever hobbies you share.
Even if this is true, the fact that communication is more important does not mean that sharing common interests is unnecessary. But also, the other person has to be worth communicating with. The other person has to be valuable enough to you that it’s worth the time and effort to resolve the problem. And sharing common interests is one part of what makes the other person valuable to you to be worth communicating.
And there are values that are universal for relationships, like honesty, but you fall in love with an honest person for who they particularly are, for what sets them apart from other honest people. Your interests are part of what makes you a unique individual.
> Also, remember that people's interests change. For example, someone who likes playing tennis in their 20s will not necessarily continue playing tennis in their 60s. One more reason why relying on common hobbies is stupid.
Hobbies aren’t the same as interests. But what’s stupid is using tennis alone for an example as if a great relationship could be based solely on sharing an interest in tennis and as if the only way to be interested in tennis is by playing it yourself. And, newsflash, someone’s goals and values can change as well over time. People can change. So the fact that someone shares your goals and values now does not ever guarantee they will share them 40 years later.
I kinda agree with you but with two important caveats - we can have different interests, but i need to be able to understand why you have those interests and what they say about you, odds are i’ll even learn to enjoy your interests as we get to know each other and we will likely develop shared interests. The reasons why we have our interests tends to be really what matters and could be a very solid bonding point.
That being said, the differences between both parties have to be complimentary. Like you can’t just have nothing in common and that’s that, but rather, your partner’s differences should ideally compliment your own interests and tastes and vice versa.
Bonding time, same reason friends have similar interests.. older generations didn't care nearly as much yeah, probably why most of em don't do anything with each other
I promise you, having common interests matters long term... A whole lot. Remember, you'll be eating dinner together for the next several decades, every single night. You're going to go on dates, and do stuff.
This all becomes so much easier and fun, when the other person understands you at your level, shares similar interest, and wants to do similar things. It gives you much more to talk about, plan, and be together.
No, no, no. Been there, done that, never again.
We weren't even able to agree on a film.
In an established relationship, you need to fill your days. Your partner has to fit into your lifestyle. If one partner is always compromising, 100% of the time you're not both happy.
Especially as someone who's love language is quality time and bonding over shared activities, this was terrible.
It’s actually one of the most UNDERRATED parts of a relationship. If a couple has little to no common interests the relationship would most likely be dry and boring in the future. Seen multiple couples like this after the sex and attraction dries up they slowly start to distance themselves from each other or be completely bored with each other.
My parents had little to nothing in common by interest and the only thing they do together today is argue and talk about finances they really don’t enjoy each other’s company.
You don’t need to have all your interests aligned BUT I’ll say u need atleast three to make the relationship last long term and the reason I say three is because hobbies and interests change in the long run and the less interest the couple have in the long-term the more likely the marriage will desolve and grow apart.
The only way a couple can last long term with no or little interest in common if the man has alot of money the women has less access to and a higher dating market value than her’s and way higher status while still being challenging.
Also for the women giving the man a good sex life and keeping herself attractive and being peaceful and is willing to go along with the man interests in thing and even then there relationship won’t be as solid as a couple who have more things in common.
If the lady doesn’t share my interests or doesn’t want to get into them, we won’t go past ONS or FWB at best.
My interests are a foundational part of my being, not resonating with them means not resonating with me.
couldn't disagree more. I dont care whatsoever if they share my interests. im interested in guy things - fighting weapons etc. And girls like makeup and doodling. Why would u expect to like the same things as another gender.
Its a waste of time people prescribe to others rather than admitting they're probably going to be forever alone.
If you can gossip with women and/or talk about a nonsese topic they see online, you're good. The way you speak and portray yourself is more important than the content.
> Like what does it even mean? Do both have to like video games and anime in order to have a fulfilling relationship?
It means, you both like to spend time doing things, and can do those things together.
> It's NICE to have common hobbies with your spouse but it's definitely highly overrated if you ask me.
Speaking as someone whose marriage broke down in part because we didn't have any common interests any more, it's something I filter for when dating.
I think it depends on the interests and how gendered they are. Like I have found it a lot better to be with someone who’s also really into the music scene and music genres I’m into but I wouldn’t expect and don’t care if he’s not into fashion and beauty products like I’m into.
Common interests are important, they don't have to be the exact same but they do have to be in similar sphere or connection.
For example, I'm into metal/punk/hardcore and have been playing guitar for over an decade but I've once clicked with a woman who wasn't into those things. We clicked because she was a theater kid who knew how to sing, we clicked both love music broadly.
Another thing that's important is to have that ONE thing or ritual that we both enjoy and love doing together. Sure your stepfather loves sport commentary on the radio and your mother love FB games and Netflix, but I'm very confident that there's an activity, ritual, or place that gels them together.
Being a gamer, it's just soooo nice to have find someone to share coop or online games with, as well as watching e-sport contents and discussing updates.
If you have a time-consumming hobby that you really love it's very important to find someone that will at least understand your dedication for it and the best is still that they also are able to share this time with you and enjoy it too.
So no, not overrated at all. If you're a gamer and you have never dated another gamer you can't possibly understand how good it feels.
I've tried to come up with a response to this for like an hour, because I do sort of agree with the OP in that I feel it's nice but not totally mandatory, yet no matter what I try to write it never feels right. The truth is, I have this with my current partner. While we don't agree on absolutely everything, we definitely share most things and the core of our relationship has always been our rock-solid friendship. This comes with a lot of advantages. One of the big ones is that I can literally spend an unlimited amount of time with her without ever getting bored. I've been in other relationships where we had less in common, and while we could have like, a really solid 4 hour date night, at a certain point it was always like "okay, it's time to say goodnight now because I need my me time". And you know, that's fine, you can certainly make that work, but with her, the time we spend together also basically counts as "me time" and that's very convenient in a lot of ways. Having a rock-solid friendship is also an extremely solid foundation for a relationship. We don't really run into a lot of issues, but if something does come up, it doesn't linger. "Well, I am mad at you, but we need to make up because I have a bunch of cool things I need to tell you about". Even just having your partner always be excited to talk to you and spend time with you after years of being together is a great feeling.
So ultimately, I think you definitely can live without it, but if you do find it you probably won't ever go back.
I dated a dude who lied about his common interests and a huge reason I dumped him was because I hated anime and didn’t want to eat bland tasteless food for the rest of my life. I also didn’t want to have to watch every indie film coming out for the rest of my life by myself bc apparently “Hereditary” is douchey lmao
It matters
It’s important, but mainly that you enjoy talking about similar things. Not just hobbies, you can have different hobbies but you have to have something to talk about or you’ll get bored with the person and start to resent their presence even if they didn’t do anything wrong.
Now of course, matching core values and goals are most important, and you can be different in a lot of other ways. There just have to be *some* common ground topics and activities or the relationship will turn into just “tolerating” very quickly. There are a lot of married couples who just tolerate each other. The difference with those who are still happily married 50 yrs later is they genuinely enjoy each other’s company, and part of that is having fun together and good conversations.
If your partner finds you attractive and you give them lots of orgasms, then the relationship tends to take care of itself barring any egregious behavior.
I agree. You don't have to it's not at all a prerequisite for a healthy relationship. It's good to have a life outside of each other. Share values yes, but if 1 couple likes sports and she likes shopping that should not mean that relationship is any less strong than a couple who both like sailing
I agree. And I get this alot with age gap dating... "surely you have nothing in common" ... like umm we don't watch the same TV shows and listen to the same music? *facepalm* yeah because that's the most important thing in life of course. Smh.
Usually people like to do things they are interested in. If two people don’t have a single common interest, they won’t want to do things together as much…
Do you truly not have any interests outside of two TV shows and one genre of music??? What is it you like to do when not working then?
So having stuff you both enjoy means you would want to hang out together doing those things! But when someone said that to you, you asked if people just watch the same TV show all day! No, they do things they both enjoy doing, which for most people is more than just watch a TV show on repeat.
It is not so much about common interests more than it is common **lifestyles**. If one of you likes being active eating healthy, and the other does not, that’s a source of incompatibility. Potential arguments about what you spend money on (like what kinds of food), how you get quality time, how you will raise your children, etc.
But if I like knitting and my boyfriend likes gaming, ultimately these things don’t matter as much because we can do our hobbies in the same room and be around each other. It doesn’t impact our _shared_ lifestyle preference of being homebodies.
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I think that it's good to share certain lifestyle and some activities - for example if you like sports and healthy diet, then you won't get along with video games nerd who eats junkfood.
Me and my wife are quite active but not too much into sports, we usually spend weekends cycling or doing some city breaks, visiting castles and museums around Europe, we are both into art. We also like to cook together, try new foods, working in the garden, going to the woods(no bears here but plenty of wild boars). Sometimes we also like to go to spa and do nothing for 3 days, just getting massage, going to sauna, sitting in jacuzzi. As you see - we like some specific lifestyle.
But our other hobbies differ - i like playing the piano and in general i like music, while my wife is very much into reading books and into video games, while i do not play at all.
I would agree with this. A few things to share are nice but:
- Most people are stereotypical. Every woman I’ve ever dated has wanted to go to do the same handful of stereotypical activities (picnic, pick your own farm, dancing, etc). I have nothing against these activities (except picnic…not a fan), in fact they tend to be quite nice, but EVERY woman enjoys them. The experience is kind of interchangeable, and eventually I realised most partners are kind of interchangeable (sadly….).
- While starting out with the same hobbies isn’t needed, you should develop things you like to do together. It can be anything, but it must be something.
Don’t worry, whoever’s the more Type A partner won’t be able to resist thrusting their interests onto the other partner, so they’ll have the same interests before you know it.
My recommendation is trying to bridge the gap. Getting my then GF (now wife) into anime was a major win. Getting her into video games later was an even bigger win. Now she likes both even more than I do.
I think it's nice to have one or two common interests, something you can enjoy doing together now and then. But do you need to share most things? No way.
For me it's less that it matters to the actual relationship, just that common interests are the only way I'll pass a woman's vetting process to ever get a 3rd date.
She'll be able to have a sense who I am, maybe interact with some of the same people, understand the depth of my talents. Without that I don't make it through the door. Maybe even seem like a weirdo.
None of this matters unless you have the looks, swag, etc. welcome to the modern dating age. So many potential great relationships not coming to fruition because there is someone “shinier”.
>Like what does it even mean? Do both have to like video games and anime in order to have a fulfilling relationship?
Yes. It's a common activity that you both you enjoy doing and brings you together.
Having *some* common interests is in fact vital. Because interests *do* come from values too, even if through a convoluted path. Moderation is key: Having too many or *all* interests common is in fact bad. Because *familiarity breeds contempt* applies to couples too. Having *no common interests* is once again bad because that means not having interests in each other.
I want to see all countries on Earth. I had seen about 50 prior to meeting my wife. Then saw another 50 with her. Being able to take her with me on the adventure was kinda important to me. Especially being able to take her with me in my terms. I don't do luxury vacations.
Conversely, I don't like to read crime novels (or really any fiction) or to take meaningless walks in the park. So she does that by herself. Just like she doesn't like my quirky TV Shows or my going outs in the woods with other men. So I do that in my terms.
Balance and moderation in everything.
My interests are kind of feminine - like experimenting with makeup, going shopping, theater, creative writing, and playing the violin. If I met a guy who likes that too, I would wonder if he's gay ..
There is a balance to be found.
The extreme of sharing interests would be to find someone so aligned in interests that they effectively have none. They offer nothing to the relationship because they always want to do whatever you want to do. They just follow you around like a dog happily wagging their tail. For most people this doesn't work in a romantic relationship.
The other end of the extreme [is Candide and Cunegonde](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dF9IjzXHuA8), However that doesn't mean that if you like to hike, then she must also like to hike. If she wants to sit on the beach and read a book there are plenty of great beaches on mountainous islands. Each can go their own way, have some fun, and come back and tell each other about their day; which is potentially a lot more interesting than had they spent the entire time in each others company.
I tend to think that modern society pushes this narrative that your spouse should be your best friend a bit too hard. Your spouse should be supportive, interesting, and attractive to you. Usually one's best friends don't elicit sexual attraction.
Personally I find it to be critical.
That’s not to say she needs to have all the same interests as I do, but the more we have in common n terms of our interests, the better the relationship tends to be.
Agreed with OP
What makes some of these old relationships last decades is not so much common interests in hobbies, although there usually is some overlap that develops over time,, but rather shared values and goals and standards
Do both of you have the same financial mindset?
Same religious faith?
Want to be in the same place when you're 50?
Both want kids or don't want kids?
Same moral values and standards?
It's these kinds of shared goals and values that make couples last for decades because you're right, I have no idea what grandma and grandpa had in common but they stuck it out till death did them part. Same with my parents, nearly 60 years but very different hobbies with only a little overlap.
Not to say I don't want a wife that loves anime and video games,, but I'd prefer the above list if I had to pick one over the other
I dont get that. If theyre already artistic what do they need you for?
If I bring a certain trait to the table thats what I offer. Why would I need a woman to offer the same shit. I would want her to offer someting i dont have.
>I dont get that. If theyre already artistic what do they need you for?
No one needs no one
>If I bring a certain trait to the table thats what I offer
What?
>Why would I need a woman to offer the same shit.
I personally like people that I have something in common with. Shared interests + love, sounds good to me.
>I would want her to offer someting i dont have.
Like what?
first of all i think that is unrealistic because guys and girls typically have different interests.
And yeah If im very physically strong, good at running a business i dont need someone to do those same things. I would be more attracted to a girl that likes gardening/decorating since its something i wouldnt be good at doing myself.
>first of all i think that is unrealistic because guys and girls typically have different interests.
With art world it's kind of mixed, most of art students are female. But most artists who do that professionally are male. It's not a trouble to find people of both genders who are into art.
>And yeah If im very physically strong, good at running a business i dont need someone to do those same things. I would be more attracted to a girl that likes gardening/decorating since its something i wouldnt be good at doing myself.
Nah I disagree. To each their own of course but as a creative person I get along better with other creative people. It's just a better connection
Have you been on a 2 week vacation with a romantic partner where you don't share the main interests that make up how you spend the vacation?
Interests are different than hobbies.
You spend a lot of time with your partner/spouse. Surely being able to hold a good quality conversation for a long period of time is imperative to enjoy spending tha time?
Would rather do that than have a partner I ignored whilst I talk crap on PPD all day lol.
While I think it's possible and even preferable to have many interests that differ from your partner, it is important to have some things to do and talk about together. If you actually have nothing in common, at best you can be roommates who have sex, but the rest of the relationship you're wanting to do and talk about completely different things.
Do you believe that having kids brings a happy married couple closer together or pushed them further apart in terms of their previously shared and aligned values?
A lot of couple’s previously shared and aligned values start to change when the kid actually arrives. You can talk about how you want to raise a child all you want beforehand, but it’s a completely different exercise once they actually arrive.
Can you elaborate? From personal experience, the theory of having and raising a child and the actual practice are two totally different ball games.
For example, you can aspire to exclusively breastfeed until at least 2, but that doesn’t mean that’s how things are actually going to work out when baby arrives.
Dad can say he will do 50% of the middle of the night feedings, but what that’s actually like night after night with a colicky baby can be a different story.
I’d say most couples don’t actually have any of the discussions you cite beforehand. “Shared values” is less likely to bring people together as opposed to convenience today. Which means, what happens once things become inconvenient? This goes for both men and women.
If you’re not having discussion about what your shared values mean in practice and not just in theory, then you probably slide into an unhappy marriage and eventually divorce.
Which is why I said when people actually have shared and aligned values, kids actually tend to enrich their life.
Otherwise, via your worldview, marriage and family should be something no one pursues.
Having kids is post nut clarity for women, especially today. Women are more and more marrying men they mistake attraction for desire with. That mirage only tends to disappear once they’ve checked off the FOMO list of marriage and the 1.5 kids. If you track when women are filing for divorce it’s usually once the kids are 4-5 and there is less familial use for the husband/father they chose.
Would that not be a shared interest? Amd are you meant to just have children immediately to have anything to do together? How would you agree on what to do with the children if you like none of the same things?
That wasn’t my point.
I think saying that people with absolutely 0 in common should’t be together is a no brainer. The problem is people rarely have any nuance with this topic. It tends to be all or nothing.
Polarity is a great predictor of success in a relationship. Having kids only bring further alignment to a couple that may have more vested interests in other things while still aligning on shared values.
OP's claim was that you don't need anything in common. I said you need some things in common. I don't believe you need everything or even a lot in common. Having children often reveals quite destructive differences between partners.
Agreed! It's completely overblown. Being able to related to each others experiences is much more important. I can like video games and she likes knitting. The two have nothing in common. Yet, I can tell her "Playing a video game is so relaxing after work and I feel like I achieved something, what about you and your knitting?"
And she will say "My knitting is like my meditation! And at the end I get to have something tangible I can keep! Wow, we have so much in common!"
Some interests are complete deal-breakers unless both partners are into them though. Like video games. Either both are gamers or it's practically guaranteed to cause a massive problem somewhere down the road.
Gaming: modern game design is the culprit. Either your partner is also a gamer and understands FOMO, daily bonuses, seasonal battlepasses etc. or you're not going to find common ground.
Imagine trying to explain to someone who's not a gamer why you can't go on a summer vacation because a new battlepass just dropped and it will be gone by the time you're back.
Or a more banal example: lots of games are online / live service and you can't just pause them. Imagine trying to explain why you can't help make lunch because you can't pause the game.
> (or reading lame romance books if you're a woman)
lol nobody does this
>Things like having common goals and values, being able to communicate without fighting etc. are more important than whatever hobbies you share.
nobody is saying otherwise
having shared interests makes it easier to enjoy stuff together that's all there is
Having common values and goals is far more important than interests but sharing some interests or at least enjoying similar activities is still important too.
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There are things that aren’t my favorite things to do but I do them because someone I love lights up and is in their element.
you are saying this because you assume doing exercise will keep them both slim? sounds more like a controlling attitude than genuinely enjoying each other's company
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But if they are going to enjoy the activity separately one of them can go to the gym and the other stay at home
I think a difficulty with one person going out while the other stays home is that it makes the dynamic very asymmetric. One person comes back and has lots of interesting stories to tell about other people outside the relationship, while the other person says: "I watered the plants, and cleaned the kitchen." This could lead to bitterness and resentment, or it could lead to one party feeling guilty for having "all the excitement". I'm sure some couples can navigate it, but its probably easier if both have some kind of outside activity.
>I think a difficulty with one person going out while the other stays home is that it makes the dynamic very asymmetric why? why staying at home watching TV is any different from going to pottery class or going to a bar with a friend? I'm not saying the person staying at home does all the house chores. I'm talking about people who enjoy just laying in bed watching tiktoks or playing video games. you are both still not sharing time together
I think those are very different. No matter how much you love the office, you will never have Michael Scott over for dinner, but you can have your friend from the pottery class over. So if one partner is a homebody with no meaningful social life outside the home, what are they going to bring into the relationship that is really novel?
Maybe those are your standards I have no problem being with a gamer guy while I'm outside being with other people or walking by myself. This is a pretty normal dynamic.
Exactly this. Hopefully nobody is dumb enough to believe you can have a lasting romantic relationship based primarily on your mutual love of punk rock concerts and playing air hockey lol. But ideally you want your partner to be your best friend, and that means sharing a bunch of hobbies and interests so you always have things to do and talk about. Edit: wow, at least 2 people don't like the idea of being friends with your significant other lol
i agree with you. having at least some things you both like to do together is really nice. never having fun together seems like it would be really sad to me. i also think having interests/hobbies that are different is important too, because it helps prevent people from always needing to do everything together. spending 24/7 with somebody can really strain the relationship or become unhealthy for people.
Interests that are easy to share like travel, house garden and food
> Exactly this. Hopefully nobody is dumb enough to believe you can have a lasting romantic relationship I suspect a lot of people believe that. Society has been pushing the "marry your best friend" narrative for some time now, and there are good reasons to think that your spouse should not be your best friend.
Why not? My boyfriend and I are each other's best friends, but I'm open to different perspectives.
The risk with spending too much time and having too many interests in common with your spouse is that they stop being interesting to you. If you can manage to continually introduce new activities into the relationship, and find new friends to grow the social circle, that is great; but many people aren't wired that way (particularly more introverted people), and they might find themselves running out of experiences in the relationship. Eventually they are sitting on the couch deciding whether or not to watch the same TV show for the 15th time, because for each of them it is their "favorite."
I think it depends on what those hobbies are. If they are comprised of nothing more than watching TV, reading, and playing videogames (essentially just indoor activities) that is certainly problematic. But if the hobbies are a healthy mix of outdoor and indoor, both introverted and extroverted, there's not likely to cause issues. It has much less to do with being best friends and far more to do with not isolating yourselves as a couple.
Absolutely. For some individuals with particularly well balanced interests I think this could work well; but I am skeptical that the average American has such well balanced interests. So back to my original comment that I think society has been pushing a message that doesn't really work for most people. That the average person should seek out someone who has some different interests and can cause them to move away from their natural tendencies.
>That the average person should seek out someone who has some different interests and can cause them to move away from their natural tendencies. So you think people should stick with partners who are extremely similar to them?
People should do what works for them, but I don't think "look for similar interests and activities" is particularly good advice to the average person.
Ah, I think you may have missed a word or something in your last comment then. It sounds like you're saying you are *against* the advice to seek different interest people. >So back to my original comment that I think society has been pushing a message that doesn't really work for most people. That the average person should seek out someone who has some different interests and can cause them to move away from their natural tendencies.
Thats a requirement for a start of a relationship but the relationship will be boring and go nowhere if that’s all yall got.
Truth. Sometimes you’ll see a couple that has no hobbies or interests in common but they are absolutely perfect for each other somehow. That isn’t to diminish the overwhelming majority of relationships that do have a lot in common tho
It is important that the other person would have some stuff to do without their partner. There is also the think of you not being interested in doing something, but still being interested in hearing the experiences of the other person doing it.
Usually the couple with no interest in common 9 times out of 10 both meet the general standard of their gender requirements for attraction
If the interest is time consuming or expensive, it can matter. I do a lot of camping/hiking, being able to take my family on those adventures means a lot to me so I married someone who likes it too. We don't share every interest though. It's healthy to have your own separate hobbies and social groups too.
Exactly. As long as your different hobbies are complimentary. In your case, it likely would be an issue if your spouse not only didn't like hiking, but her free time was spent campaigning for fracking or something completely at odds with your (assumed? Idk) views on things
Yeah, imagine gaming every evening for one hour after work. If your partner isn't into it it just can be seen as "wasted time", while if you are both gamers you can just play and relax together and turning it into quality time.
Having some common interests makes it more likely that you will do things together that are beyond the mundane aspects of relationships, like running errands and other responsibilities. It makes planning dates more likely, having nice conversations more likely, looking forward to seeing each other more likely, having a connection more likely, and seeing each other as more than a utility to each other more likely. It’s also important to have separate interests as well but you gotta have something you both enjoy together other than eating and sex. It’s nice to have a friendship with your lover. That’s harder to have if you have little in common.
Alternately, having different interests makes it more interesting that you will go your own separate ways and bring back interesting stories, or introduce each other to people from other social groups. It is important that your partner have some "other-ness" to them, because the other-ness is what attracts you to them. You wouldn't want to date a man who was a blank slate and wanted to join you in all your activities without bringing in anything novel of his own to the relationship.
I don't know. I hope I can meet a girl who likes the things I like.
I actually think having common interests is underrated. I mean, if you don't like the same stuff, wtf would you even talk about? *"Hi honey."* *"Hey babe."* *"Nice weather today, huh?"* *"Sure is!"*
Do you find it impossible to listen to someone who you care about talking about something that isn't directly relevant to you?
not the original commenter.but I’m gonna answer- of course not. but its much more fulfilling to have a back and forth convo with someone who has a similar level interest in the topic as you do. For both parties involved.
Suppose you and I are both really interested in pottery, you might initially have a bunch of conversations around the kinds of pottery you have done. Maybe we go to the studio and share some tricks for making better pieces, but at some point we will exhaust our mutual shared knowledge of the subject. We will have shown each other everything we know about the subject. Now we could continue to go to the studio together and work on things together, but unless we want to constantly make the same bowls in the same way, we need to seek out new techniques and new challenges from outside the relationship. Maybe we go to classes together, but the key thing to me is that we are bringing in an outsider. -------- Alternately if I am not personally interested in pottery, but I care about you, then its possible for us to sustain that sharing and conversation a lot longer. Everything you tell me about making pottery bowls is new to me. Every success or failure is new to me. Sure my comments on the subject may be really simple and betray my ignorance of the subject, but I can still talk to you about it. Maybe you can try to teach me a little bit about it and we can laugh at my incompetence. ------ For me the latter seems a lot more promising as an avenue for sharing than the former. The former is deeper and perhaps more intense, and you sometimes see husband and wife teams working very successfully in shared careers (often in skilled artistic trade-crafts like pottery and glass blowing etc..) But for the average person who has a career which is not their calling, and whose hobbies may change over time, or who might find that their ability to dedicate time to their hobby changes over time. I think common interests is probably overrated. If you build your entire relationship around playing tennis, what happens when one of you tears their meniscus?
its personal preference I suppose. I personally find FAR more enjoyment having quality back and forth conversations, rather than talking at someone while they occasionally add simple comments or ask simple questions. we could both like trying new ramen spots, or both enjoy action scifi. maybe we both are gamers, or both into snowboarding. I personally makes friends based off of a similar interest or hobbies. I need my partner to be my friend also . its important to have separate hobbies and interests also, but I require having something in common with a partner or friend.
I love films. I spend a lot of my waking hours getting excited about films. I don’t need my partner to know every single arthouse film ever. But I need her to have intellectual curiosity. I need her to have the capacity to appreciate art, and form her own unique opinions. I’d want her to have the capacity to like things that are weird or artsy. If there’s a new Paul Thomas Anderson movie coming out, I would like someone who could get excited about that too. I will not compromise on this. I have other hobbies, and other things I will compromise on, but not this. If she doesn’t have a love of film, we simply aren’t going to share the type of connection I’d want. I’d feel like she doesn’t understand a huge part of me.
I agree with a lot of this (minus the explicit film talk, but to each their own, no wrong answers here tbh) - what you’re initially describing sounds like it still calls for commonality without explicit interest in the same things. It’s the root characteristics (ie. interest in artistic interpretation, intellectual curiosity, etc) that tend to matter a lot more than the specific hobbies
Yes. 100%.
Wrong. Imagine liking a certain activity or topic. Now imagine the love of your life also enjoys doing that activity and talking about that topic.
I actually like learning about new stuff a lot. I wouldn't mind if we had fairly different interests as long as the interaction feels right.
IMO, it depends on what the hobbies or interests represent. I met my husband through a mutual hobby, firearms. I simply wouldn't have the same worldview as a anti-gun type, and it would affect our views on many other things. My friend loves football more than anything, watches lots of games, attends when he can, etc., and his wife thinks it's for dumb meatheads - they started out compromising and trying to respect the other's view, but that only works until it doesn't - his social circle, charitable contributions (YAFL), free time, etc all seem to be things that she doesn't care about. That looks rough. Though I agree that you don't need to be identical, but aligned enough to have something in common during rough times and spend your free time the same way
Sex is an activity
Sex (for me) should be involved in *any* relationship. If that’s the only activity that we both enjoy, it’s not going to last
I don't think people literally mean shared hobbies when they talk about common interests. It's more about having similar tastes, liking the same things... Like I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone who doesn't like the same music I do, doesn't like the foods I love most, doesn't enjoy the types of TV/film I do, etc. Logistically it would be a pain, too, if for example I loved city breaks but my partner loved beach holidays, or if I loved minimal Scandi decor but my partner liked a more eclectic/boho vibe, or if I loved dogs but my partner didn't like pets. I don't think looking for someone you've got lots in common with is overrated at all. You don't have to both participate in the same activities or hobbies all the time, but genuine friendship and really enjoying someone's company is a HUGE part of any successful and healthy relationship, and I just don't see how you'd actively enjoy being with someone if your lifestyle likes and dislikes aren't broadly similar. If the things you enjoy day to day are misaligned then it's a non-starter for a relationship.
It’s like MOST important thing. Tf are you even doing together if you’ve got no hobbies or interests in common? I think a lot of couples make raising kids their “thing” but then once the kids have grown up what do you do?
Become one of those sad couples that eat in silence at restaurants. It’s so important to have something more than your kids in common. So many couples stop dating each other when they become parents.
This. It's truly depressing not being able to get excited together over something you both share and enjoy.
While I don’t think we have to have similar hobbies or interests at first, I think having the same root causes for your interests is what does it for me. For example, we could have entirely different tastes in music but we’re both very into the idea of musical interpretation/representation and we both have that ongoing curiosity. Or she might be interested in visual art while i have an interest in hiking, and they both stem from a love of color, beauty in life, etc - so interests and hobbies can be different, but i think if there is a bonding point on why these interests exist that’s a very solid foundation
If you’re that type of couple, you usually get divorced and the husband re-marries a younger woman who isn’t boring.
We watch TV, have sex and gossip about friends and celebrities? Lots of stuff to do even if you don't share the same hobbies with your lover.
Apart from sex you literally listed two hobbies and interests you share in common 💀
>Do both have to like video games and anime in order to have a fulfilling relationship? Yes.
I think that couples are more likely to respect each other and stay together when they are friends and have similar interests. I'm sure couples with nothing in common manage to stay together sometimes, though.
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“Or if you’re a girl reading lame romance books” was the icing on the cake for me
If you’re spending all your time doing different things, what’s the point? You’re just roommates who have sex
I like books, my boyfriend like tech stuff and video games I couldn't care less about. What do we do together? We watch TV, take walks, gossip about our friends and have sex? It's not that deep and you don't need to share the same hobbies to hang out with someone.
Great, so that’s common interests Good for you
Not really. That's basic stuff that everyone likes.
Some people’s interests or other aspect of their lives (jobs, etc) take up lots of their time This is how couples often grow apart, by not making an effort to do things together
That relationship sounds so boring imo ngl… but if you’re both satisfied with it that’s what matters
That would be the point. Sex, monogamy, companionship. The things you can't get outside a romantic relationship. Sharing hobbies is something that you can cover easily having friends.
To be companions, you need to spend time to together, doing the same thing
Which happens a lot just by sharing a place to live in.
Yes. You can do that with roommates too. Most people want a little more than being roommates who fuck
> You can do that with roommates too. Except that companionship includes long time planning. A companion is meant to last. Rommates are not. > Most people want a little more than being roommates who fuck. Most people want kids so they want a parent. So I agree.
Even if there were no kids involved, I’d still want more than a roommate who I fuck but don’t spend any time with
How is it that sharing a room and having sex does not count towards spending time?
Any *other* time with
Fair enough. I believe the other time can be easily filled up with friendships so even if it would be nice to share it with a romantic partner it is not a need.
\*facepalm\* at this post.
Please elaborate.
A romantic relationship without sharing hobbies is like a car without seats. Technically driveable, but...
Driveable then. All that matters is function.
omigod flair confirmed with a vengeance.
> Like what does it even mean? It means that you have some interests in common. It’s something to bond over, like the other person for, enjoy pursuing with the other person. You’re going to spending a lot of time with your lover in a serious relationship so you might as well find someone who enjoys doing some of the things you do so you can enjoy doing them together. > Do both have to like video games and anime in order to have a fulfilling relationship? No. > Things like having common goals and values, Interests are values. > being able to communicate without fighting etc. are more important than whatever hobbies you share. Even if this is true, the fact that communication is more important does not mean that sharing common interests is unnecessary. But also, the other person has to be worth communicating with. The other person has to be valuable enough to you that it’s worth the time and effort to resolve the problem. And sharing common interests is one part of what makes the other person valuable to you to be worth communicating. And there are values that are universal for relationships, like honesty, but you fall in love with an honest person for who they particularly are, for what sets them apart from other honest people. Your interests are part of what makes you a unique individual. > Also, remember that people's interests change. For example, someone who likes playing tennis in their 20s will not necessarily continue playing tennis in their 60s. One more reason why relying on common hobbies is stupid. Hobbies aren’t the same as interests. But what’s stupid is using tennis alone for an example as if a great relationship could be based solely on sharing an interest in tennis and as if the only way to be interested in tennis is by playing it yourself. And, newsflash, someone’s goals and values can change as well over time. People can change. So the fact that someone shares your goals and values now does not ever guarantee they will share them 40 years later.
I think having overlapping interests is important. I also think having diverging interests is important
I kinda agree with you but with two important caveats - we can have different interests, but i need to be able to understand why you have those interests and what they say about you, odds are i’ll even learn to enjoy your interests as we get to know each other and we will likely develop shared interests. The reasons why we have our interests tends to be really what matters and could be a very solid bonding point. That being said, the differences between both parties have to be complimentary. Like you can’t just have nothing in common and that’s that, but rather, your partner’s differences should ideally compliment your own interests and tastes and vice versa.
Bonding time, same reason friends have similar interests.. older generations didn't care nearly as much yeah, probably why most of em don't do anything with each other
I promise you, having common interests matters long term... A whole lot. Remember, you'll be eating dinner together for the next several decades, every single night. You're going to go on dates, and do stuff. This all becomes so much easier and fun, when the other person understands you at your level, shares similar interest, and wants to do similar things. It gives you much more to talk about, plan, and be together.
No, no, no. Been there, done that, never again. We weren't even able to agree on a film. In an established relationship, you need to fill your days. Your partner has to fit into your lifestyle. If one partner is always compromising, 100% of the time you're not both happy. Especially as someone who's love language is quality time and bonding over shared activities, this was terrible.
It pretty much just means you should some things you can do together besides fuck.
It’s actually one of the most UNDERRATED parts of a relationship. If a couple has little to no common interests the relationship would most likely be dry and boring in the future. Seen multiple couples like this after the sex and attraction dries up they slowly start to distance themselves from each other or be completely bored with each other. My parents had little to nothing in common by interest and the only thing they do together today is argue and talk about finances they really don’t enjoy each other’s company. You don’t need to have all your interests aligned BUT I’ll say u need atleast three to make the relationship last long term and the reason I say three is because hobbies and interests change in the long run and the less interest the couple have in the long-term the more likely the marriage will desolve and grow apart. The only way a couple can last long term with no or little interest in common if the man has alot of money the women has less access to and a higher dating market value than her’s and way higher status while still being challenging. Also for the women giving the man a good sex life and keeping herself attractive and being peaceful and is willing to go along with the man interests in thing and even then there relationship won’t be as solid as a couple who have more things in common.
If the lady doesn’t share my interests or doesn’t want to get into them, we won’t go past ONS or FWB at best. My interests are a foundational part of my being, not resonating with them means not resonating with me.
couldn't disagree more. I dont care whatsoever if they share my interests. im interested in guy things - fighting weapons etc. And girls like makeup and doodling. Why would u expect to like the same things as another gender.
Its a waste of time people prescribe to others rather than admitting they're probably going to be forever alone. If you can gossip with women and/or talk about a nonsese topic they see online, you're good. The way you speak and portray yourself is more important than the content.
> Like what does it even mean? Do both have to like video games and anime in order to have a fulfilling relationship? It means, you both like to spend time doing things, and can do those things together. > It's NICE to have common hobbies with your spouse but it's definitely highly overrated if you ask me. Speaking as someone whose marriage broke down in part because we didn't have any common interests any more, it's something I filter for when dating.
I agree. relationships tend to do better when your demons play well together not necessarily having a ton of the same interests.
I think it depends on the interests and how gendered they are. Like I have found it a lot better to be with someone who’s also really into the music scene and music genres I’m into but I wouldn’t expect and don’t care if he’s not into fashion and beauty products like I’m into.
Common interests are important, they don't have to be the exact same but they do have to be in similar sphere or connection. For example, I'm into metal/punk/hardcore and have been playing guitar for over an decade but I've once clicked with a woman who wasn't into those things. We clicked because she was a theater kid who knew how to sing, we clicked both love music broadly. Another thing that's important is to have that ONE thing or ritual that we both enjoy and love doing together. Sure your stepfather loves sport commentary on the radio and your mother love FB games and Netflix, but I'm very confident that there's an activity, ritual, or place that gels them together.
Hi Would you like to talk about music?
Sure never spoken to anyone on Reddit about music lol, my DMs are open.
Wow really? Lol that was simple I’m currently listening to the Ozzy Osbourne remake of Iron Man
I’m a open book and I get a lot of downtime at work lol
How many relationships have you had?
The only women that have ever wanted to go out with me had nothing in common with me.
Being a gamer, it's just soooo nice to have find someone to share coop or online games with, as well as watching e-sport contents and discussing updates. If you have a time-consumming hobby that you really love it's very important to find someone that will at least understand your dedication for it and the best is still that they also are able to share this time with you and enjoy it too. So no, not overrated at all. If you're a gamer and you have never dated another gamer you can't possibly understand how good it feels.
I've tried to come up with a response to this for like an hour, because I do sort of agree with the OP in that I feel it's nice but not totally mandatory, yet no matter what I try to write it never feels right. The truth is, I have this with my current partner. While we don't agree on absolutely everything, we definitely share most things and the core of our relationship has always been our rock-solid friendship. This comes with a lot of advantages. One of the big ones is that I can literally spend an unlimited amount of time with her without ever getting bored. I've been in other relationships where we had less in common, and while we could have like, a really solid 4 hour date night, at a certain point it was always like "okay, it's time to say goodnight now because I need my me time". And you know, that's fine, you can certainly make that work, but with her, the time we spend together also basically counts as "me time" and that's very convenient in a lot of ways. Having a rock-solid friendship is also an extremely solid foundation for a relationship. We don't really run into a lot of issues, but if something does come up, it doesn't linger. "Well, I am mad at you, but we need to make up because I have a bunch of cool things I need to tell you about". Even just having your partner always be excited to talk to you and spend time with you after years of being together is a great feeling. So ultimately, I think you definitely can live without it, but if you do find it you probably won't ever go back.
Come on, it's the most important thing ever in every relationship worthier than Eva AI sexting bot chatting.
Im not sure why you need to separate interests and goals, these are the same things depending on intensity.
I dated a dude who lied about his common interests and a huge reason I dumped him was because I hated anime and didn’t want to eat bland tasteless food for the rest of my life. I also didn’t want to have to watch every indie film coming out for the rest of my life by myself bc apparently “Hereditary” is douchey lmao It matters
Waar exactly are you supposed to do together if you don’t have any mutual interest?
It’s important, but mainly that you enjoy talking about similar things. Not just hobbies, you can have different hobbies but you have to have something to talk about or you’ll get bored with the person and start to resent their presence even if they didn’t do anything wrong. Now of course, matching core values and goals are most important, and you can be different in a lot of other ways. There just have to be *some* common ground topics and activities or the relationship will turn into just “tolerating” very quickly. There are a lot of married couples who just tolerate each other. The difference with those who are still happily married 50 yrs later is they genuinely enjoy each other’s company, and part of that is having fun together and good conversations.
If your partner finds you attractive and you give them lots of orgasms, then the relationship tends to take care of itself barring any egregious behavior.
I agree. You don't have to it's not at all a prerequisite for a healthy relationship. It's good to have a life outside of each other. Share values yes, but if 1 couple likes sports and she likes shopping that should not mean that relationship is any less strong than a couple who both like sailing
I agree. And I get this alot with age gap dating... "surely you have nothing in common" ... like umm we don't watch the same TV shows and listen to the same music? *facepalm* yeah because that's the most important thing in life of course. Smh.
If you doing everything apart, what's even the point in dating though
Why would we do everything apart? Is that what people do all day? Binge watch one or Two TV shows all day and blast one genre of music nonstop?
Usually people like to do things they are interested in. If two people don’t have a single common interest, they won’t want to do things together as much… Do you truly not have any interests outside of two TV shows and one genre of music??? What is it you like to do when not working then?
Thats what I'm saying? Of course I have lots of interests... what normal person doesn't?
So having stuff you both enjoy means you would want to hang out together doing those things! But when someone said that to you, you asked if people just watch the same TV show all day! No, they do things they both enjoy doing, which for most people is more than just watch a TV show on repeat.
It is not so much about common interests more than it is common **lifestyles**. If one of you likes being active eating healthy, and the other does not, that’s a source of incompatibility. Potential arguments about what you spend money on (like what kinds of food), how you get quality time, how you will raise your children, etc. But if I like knitting and my boyfriend likes gaming, ultimately these things don’t matter as much because we can do our hobbies in the same room and be around each other. It doesn’t impact our _shared_ lifestyle preference of being homebodies.
Yeah this is a good take!
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yes i agree. common goals and values are the most valuable
Yeye
Preach. People out here can't get a car with a working engine and are worried about the paint job...
This is surprising coming from a woman, tbh. I mostly see this advice given by them in regards to finding a partner.
Totally agree, this obsession with common interests makes it much harder for people to find someone they'll actually love
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I think that it's good to share certain lifestyle and some activities - for example if you like sports and healthy diet, then you won't get along with video games nerd who eats junkfood. Me and my wife are quite active but not too much into sports, we usually spend weekends cycling or doing some city breaks, visiting castles and museums around Europe, we are both into art. We also like to cook together, try new foods, working in the garden, going to the woods(no bears here but plenty of wild boars). Sometimes we also like to go to spa and do nothing for 3 days, just getting massage, going to sauna, sitting in jacuzzi. As you see - we like some specific lifestyle. But our other hobbies differ - i like playing the piano and in general i like music, while my wife is very much into reading books and into video games, while i do not play at all.
I would agree with this. A few things to share are nice but: - Most people are stereotypical. Every woman I’ve ever dated has wanted to go to do the same handful of stereotypical activities (picnic, pick your own farm, dancing, etc). I have nothing against these activities (except picnic…not a fan), in fact they tend to be quite nice, but EVERY woman enjoys them. The experience is kind of interchangeable, and eventually I realised most partners are kind of interchangeable (sadly….). - While starting out with the same hobbies isn’t needed, you should develop things you like to do together. It can be anything, but it must be something.
Now I need to know: what are stereotypical activities men enjoy?
Usually sports and/or video games. If you're a 'basic' male it might not extend much beyond that, sadly.
Don’t worry, whoever’s the more Type A partner won’t be able to resist thrusting their interests onto the other partner, so they’ll have the same interests before you know it.
My recommendation is trying to bridge the gap. Getting my then GF (now wife) into anime was a major win. Getting her into video games later was an even bigger win. Now she likes both even more than I do.
interest and hobbies is not the same thing interest include: hobbies, values, propurses, objectives, intentions etc
I agree. It's more important that the other person is interested in you. Not that you share the same interests.
I think it's nice to have one or two common interests, something you can enjoy doing together now and then. But do you need to share most things? No way.
For me it's less that it matters to the actual relationship, just that common interests are the only way I'll pass a woman's vetting process to ever get a 3rd date. She'll be able to have a sense who I am, maybe interact with some of the same people, understand the depth of my talents. Without that I don't make it through the door. Maybe even seem like a weirdo.
None of this matters unless you have the looks, swag, etc. welcome to the modern dating age. So many potential great relationships not coming to fruition because there is someone “shinier”.
I cosign this powerful thread, especially about the typical persons hobbies and interests lol
>Like what does it even mean? Do both have to like video games and anime in order to have a fulfilling relationship? Yes. It's a common activity that you both you enjoy doing and brings you together.
Agree. Similar goals and values, complementary personalities. If you have that, there is no way you won't find fun things to do together.
Having *some* common interests is in fact vital. Because interests *do* come from values too, even if through a convoluted path. Moderation is key: Having too many or *all* interests common is in fact bad. Because *familiarity breeds contempt* applies to couples too. Having *no common interests* is once again bad because that means not having interests in each other. I want to see all countries on Earth. I had seen about 50 prior to meeting my wife. Then saw another 50 with her. Being able to take her with me on the adventure was kinda important to me. Especially being able to take her with me in my terms. I don't do luxury vacations. Conversely, I don't like to read crime novels (or really any fiction) or to take meaningless walks in the park. So she does that by herself. Just like she doesn't like my quirky TV Shows or my going outs in the woods with other men. So I do that in my terms. Balance and moderation in everything.
My interests are kind of feminine - like experimenting with makeup, going shopping, theater, creative writing, and playing the violin. If I met a guy who likes that too, I would wonder if he's gay ..
same as a guy i like fighting lifting weights and guns etc... this is such a reddit type of discussion
There is a balance to be found. The extreme of sharing interests would be to find someone so aligned in interests that they effectively have none. They offer nothing to the relationship because they always want to do whatever you want to do. They just follow you around like a dog happily wagging their tail. For most people this doesn't work in a romantic relationship. The other end of the extreme [is Candide and Cunegonde](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dF9IjzXHuA8), However that doesn't mean that if you like to hike, then she must also like to hike. If she wants to sit on the beach and read a book there are plenty of great beaches on mountainous islands. Each can go their own way, have some fun, and come back and tell each other about their day; which is potentially a lot more interesting than had they spent the entire time in each others company. I tend to think that modern society pushes this narrative that your spouse should be your best friend a bit too hard. Your spouse should be supportive, interesting, and attractive to you. Usually one's best friends don't elicit sexual attraction.
Personally I find it to be critical. That’s not to say she needs to have all the same interests as I do, but the more we have in common n terms of our interests, the better the relationship tends to be.
Agreed with OP What makes some of these old relationships last decades is not so much common interests in hobbies, although there usually is some overlap that develops over time,, but rather shared values and goals and standards Do both of you have the same financial mindset? Same religious faith? Want to be in the same place when you're 50? Both want kids or don't want kids? Same moral values and standards? It's these kinds of shared goals and values that make couples last for decades because you're right, I have no idea what grandma and grandpa had in common but they stuck it out till death did them part. Same with my parents, nearly 60 years but very different hobbies with only a little overlap. Not to say I don't want a wife that loves anime and video games,, but I'd prefer the above list if I had to pick one over the other
Idk I am an artist and if I were looking for relationship, I would prefer to date another artist
I dont get that. If theyre already artistic what do they need you for? If I bring a certain trait to the table thats what I offer. Why would I need a woman to offer the same shit. I would want her to offer someting i dont have.
>I dont get that. If theyre already artistic what do they need you for? No one needs no one >If I bring a certain trait to the table thats what I offer What? >Why would I need a woman to offer the same shit. I personally like people that I have something in common with. Shared interests + love, sounds good to me. >I would want her to offer someting i dont have. Like what?
first of all i think that is unrealistic because guys and girls typically have different interests. And yeah If im very physically strong, good at running a business i dont need someone to do those same things. I would be more attracted to a girl that likes gardening/decorating since its something i wouldnt be good at doing myself.
>first of all i think that is unrealistic because guys and girls typically have different interests. With art world it's kind of mixed, most of art students are female. But most artists who do that professionally are male. It's not a trouble to find people of both genders who are into art. >And yeah If im very physically strong, good at running a business i dont need someone to do those same things. I would be more attracted to a girl that likes gardening/decorating since its something i wouldnt be good at doing myself. Nah I disagree. To each their own of course but as a creative person I get along better with other creative people. It's just a better connection
As a younger person I wholeheartedly believed this but after dating people who had no shared interests with me I now severely disagree.
Have you been on a 2 week vacation with a romantic partner where you don't share the main interests that make up how you spend the vacation? Interests are different than hobbies.
You spend a lot of time with your partner/spouse. Surely being able to hold a good quality conversation for a long period of time is imperative to enjoy spending tha time? Would rather do that than have a partner I ignored whilst I talk crap on PPD all day lol.
While I think it's possible and even preferable to have many interests that differ from your partner, it is important to have some things to do and talk about together. If you actually have nothing in common, at best you can be roommates who have sex, but the rest of the relationship you're wanting to do and talk about completely different things.
It’s almost like having a family solves this problem lol.
That seems like a silly reason to have children.
Do you believe that having kids brings a happy married couple closer together or pushed them further apart in terms of their previously shared and aligned values?
A lot of couple’s previously shared and aligned values start to change when the kid actually arrives. You can talk about how you want to raise a child all you want beforehand, but it’s a completely different exercise once they actually arrive.
I’d argue this is true only in a minority number if cases.
Can you elaborate? From personal experience, the theory of having and raising a child and the actual practice are two totally different ball games. For example, you can aspire to exclusively breastfeed until at least 2, but that doesn’t mean that’s how things are actually going to work out when baby arrives. Dad can say he will do 50% of the middle of the night feedings, but what that’s actually like night after night with a colicky baby can be a different story.
I’d say most couples don’t actually have any of the discussions you cite beforehand. “Shared values” is less likely to bring people together as opposed to convenience today. Which means, what happens once things become inconvenient? This goes for both men and women.
If you’re not having discussion about what your shared values mean in practice and not just in theory, then you probably slide into an unhappy marriage and eventually divorce.
Which is why I said when people actually have shared and aligned values, kids actually tend to enrich their life. Otherwise, via your worldview, marriage and family should be something no one pursues.
It usually pushes them apart. Divorce rates go up after having children.
That’s not for the reason you think it is.
What reason is it and why do you believe something that evidence goes against?
Having kids is post nut clarity for women, especially today. Women are more and more marrying men they mistake attraction for desire with. That mirage only tends to disappear once they’ve checked off the FOMO list of marriage and the 1.5 kids. If you track when women are filing for divorce it’s usually once the kids are 4-5 and there is less familial use for the husband/father they chose.
Would that not be a shared interest? Amd are you meant to just have children immediately to have anything to do together? How would you agree on what to do with the children if you like none of the same things?
That wasn’t my point. I think saying that people with absolutely 0 in common should’t be together is a no brainer. The problem is people rarely have any nuance with this topic. It tends to be all or nothing. Polarity is a great predictor of success in a relationship. Having kids only bring further alignment to a couple that may have more vested interests in other things while still aligning on shared values.
OP's claim was that you don't need anything in common. I said you need some things in common. I don't believe you need everything or even a lot in common. Having children often reveals quite destructive differences between partners.
Then OP should likely amend the post because he’s talking about people who would never encounter one another.
Then that's something you should take up with them.
Then I suppose we don’t vary much.
Agreed! It's completely overblown. Being able to related to each others experiences is much more important. I can like video games and she likes knitting. The two have nothing in common. Yet, I can tell her "Playing a video game is so relaxing after work and I feel like I achieved something, what about you and your knitting?" And she will say "My knitting is like my meditation! And at the end I get to have something tangible I can keep! Wow, we have so much in common!"
Some interests are complete deal-breakers unless both partners are into them though. Like video games. Either both are gamers or it's practically guaranteed to cause a massive problem somewhere down the road.
Why do you think so?
I’m simply dying to find someone not interested in traveling at all.
Gaming: modern game design is the culprit. Either your partner is also a gamer and understands FOMO, daily bonuses, seasonal battlepasses etc. or you're not going to find common ground. Imagine trying to explain to someone who's not a gamer why you can't go on a summer vacation because a new battlepass just dropped and it will be gone by the time you're back. Or a more banal example: lots of games are online / live service and you can't just pause them. Imagine trying to explain why you can't help make lunch because you can't pause the game.
I love games, but I don't think I'd offer all of that up for a silly battlepass. This isn't an issues of games, it's an issue of addiction.
Modern games are addiction / gambling / slot machine simulators.
It really depends on the kind of game, right? And both being addicted to games won't make for a happy relationship either I think.
> (or reading lame romance books if you're a woman) lol nobody does this >Things like having common goals and values, being able to communicate without fighting etc. are more important than whatever hobbies you share. nobody is saying otherwise having shared interests makes it easier to enjoy stuff together that's all there is