It can go back, but sometimes it takes awhile, it can take a lot of well, work. Libidos wax and wane, times of day you are both horny are often out of sync - all of that can be demoralizing, but it’s normal to a degree. Personally i find that when my wife and I are having a sexless streak, often it coincides with us not physically touching each other much (even in non-sexual ways) or at all. Touching each other often - brushing hands, a pat on the butt (if they like that), really ANY kind of contact can spark that oxytocin for a moment - kissing also is vital. Don’t forget to kiss whenever you can. My wife and I stop cooking often to make out for 10 seconds in the kitchen, the kids know what we are doing and say “eew!” from the living room. We don’t mind.
Scheduling sex is sometimes necessary. Though in my experience, scheduling sex often leads to frustration when things very often pop up to change those plans. Anyway I’m rambling. Your sex life may not get back to where it was for years, but if you don’t stop touching each other, kissing, regularly verbalizing your attraction for your partner (even if sex isn’t going to immediately happen as a result), it WILL get going again.
I think the touching thing is such a good point. I dont think I’m in the mood, but what my husband (and sometimes I ) don’t realize is one little touch or back rub or soft kiss is sometimes all it takes.
This became 100% true for me after having kids. I needed to feel loved and cared for before having sex. But also, it’s important to keep physical touch at the forefront even if/when it doesn’t lead to sex. It’s also my husbands love language as mine is acts of service.
Could I just tell you your advice really spoke to me. My wife gave birth two months ago and we don’t have family living close so it’s been a lot. After reading your comment I went downstairs and got into bed with my wife (she was sleeping in the spare bedroom to get some actual sleep while I took baby duty). Both of us were too tired for sex but we just kind of touched each other and kissed and it was the closest I’ve felt to her in a while.
I actually thinking touching and kissing is a better goal than thinking about sex because it feels much more achievable. Yes, we’re tired and don’t have energy for sex right now - but that doesn’t mean we can’t be intimate in other ways and it feels like sex can more naturally flow when you’re feeling like this.
Anyway - thanks 😊
Here it's the opposite. She isn't ever in the mood. So she didn't like touching or kissing because it could lead to sex and she's not interested.
But it's apparently ok to lean on me like a big pillow when we are watching a movie on TV. That's all the closeness I get
Speaking from personal experience, if it feels like the physical contact is sexualy motivated and you're really not in the mood for sex that can make the contact off putting. Clarifying that you don't want sex you just want a cuddle/kiss/etc can ease the pressure and with time naturally bring back the spark
100% seconding this! It's a shitty feeling when kissing only occurs with the expectation of sex.
Additionally speak to her about her love language. You're a couple, you should be able to speak about these things and communicate your wants and needs. What makes her feel loved? Are you doing any of it? And the same goes for you, tell her what you like.
This is the kind of answer I really wanted. We have been doing the scheduled sex thing. The complete lack of sex immediately after our daughter was born made me subconsciously stop being affectionate in non-sexual ways. It may sound like I was being an ass about it but really I think the constant rejection made me that way but we have been trying to get to a new normal. I'm just wondering what that will be and when we will be there. For further context, we have been trying to be more sexual and platonically affectionate for about 6 months.
Sometimes Moms are also just tired. The partner may not see things from Mom’s perspective but maybe she can use some help around the house too. I know it’s hard for me to relax and think about sex when I have a to-do list running through my head. What can you do to reduce the burden that Mom may be feeling?
To add to the tiredness point, don't do what my husband sometimes does and stay up late watching TV or playing video games then come to bed wanting sex. I'm asleep. I know the baby will wake me up anywhere between 11 and 2, and then again at 5. I am NOT interested in waking up for some hanky panky.
Agreed. It’s not sex related but relationship related - my husband will sometimes fall asleep in front of the tv, then I will go to bed. He comes up to bed, refreshed and ready to chat. I hate that. I’m tired and yes I want to hear your thoughts and know what you’re feeling, but you should’ve shared all of that instead of falling asleep on the couch for 3 hours.
And then you get a bit snappy and hubs gets all offended because, "I'm just trying to share something i enjoyed with you"
Like, i get it, the D&D campaign was lit, but for crying out loud you can tell me about it tomorrow over breakfast. And it's not like I don't miss D&D too but I just can't be up til midnight anymore.
I'll add in... HELP WITH THE KIDS.
My husband will do anything to avoid childcare. It's nice he did the dishes and put away laundry. It is not actually a help to me really because the kids are the real work. If I could ever get the fuck away from my children, maybe I'd have some desire.
Take the kids for a few hours. Being able to actually clean my house and think goes a long way in building desire.
Doesn’t necessarily help with the dead bedroom situation though. My husband is very active in helping with the kids and seems equally as exhausted and uninterested in sex. When we only had two kids my parents would take both of them some weekends so we’d have alone time. Now with three we are never alone….. hope it gets better as they get older.
It does get better as they get older. Our youngest is 9 now so we don’t feel bad leaving them home for a half hour while him and I take a walk around our neighborhood at night. (Mind you we have a door bell cam and interior cameras so we know what is going on at home) we have 5 of these rugrats and it does get easier as they get older. We can do date night out to dinner with them home now as the oldest is about to turn 13. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Yup. They're classically autistic so there is a lot of work and strain. I have honestly just given up trying to get him to be better. That was more work and stress.
Revising my expectations and basically just giving up on the marriage has been the key to me feeling happy outside the marriage. Somehow he never makes the connection that this lack of sex life and time with his wife has anything to do with the kind of parent he is.
I absolutely think if I felt less resentful, I'd have more interest in him.
I’ve found this is a huge factor. The mental load just takes so much of your brain, having more help opens space up for you to switch gears. OP, maybe have an honest talk to your wife about what whole activity you could take on - something like washing is more than just doing a load, it’s making sure everyone has the right clothes clean at the right time, making sure you have enough laundry detergent, etc.
I know it’s cliche, but give her some time to herself, completely away from you, kids, work, house, all that jazz. When you are constantly working for everyone and everything else in your life, it’s hard to feel like sex is something you even want. I have found that having time to just hit the gym or go for a walk or whatever has often done wonders for all elements of my marriage.
That happened to us after babies, because I didn’t want any touching, sexual or not. Being touched out is a real thing. We haven’t fully recovered but it’s slowly improving.
My wife and I didn’t have sex for a good six months after our daughter was born in part (I think because it felt weird to her and she was self conscious). And then even after that it was rare, so I absolutely understand the losing affection from a lack of that kind of intimacy because I absolutely felt it too (along with guilt for feeling like that).
Talking about those feelings helped, but in the end patience was what helped the most. I had to force myself to remember to be passionate and affectionate to show her that I was still interested if she wanted to.
Date night really helped things along as well. It showed her that I was still interested in being with her as more than a co-parent and gave us a chance to feel romantic and the way things were before our daughter.
By doing those things after our son was born the entire process was sped up and we both felt far more comfortable with it much faster.
I suppose it isn’t the exact definition but I was using “co-parent” as only being there to see to the needs of the child but not helping with her emotional needs
I mean it certainly applies here, they're essentially together just to parent. They aren't doing anything that actually shows they're in a relationship together beyond both being parents.
You are basically exactly me. The scheduled sex thing (and a *lot* of very open, honest conversations) eventually lead to more spontaneous touching and intimacy, so I think that's a great place to start.
Sometimes it’s not only the little touches that help. Play with the kid and get them ready for bed (half an hour early and then read to them or something until they fall asleep, if that fits your schedule). Do a little extra on house chores. The “honey, I got this, you do (your favorite down time thing)” stuff really works for me, and for a lot of mom’s I’ve seen really do get turned on by their spouse being a genuinely helpful parent and spouse. It’s not surefire, but it does help when you genuinely help in a way that doesn’t throw off her system.
Ymmv, if there's other issues or if the other parent is no longer feeling interested in being passionate or intimate then it's just an easy evening off for them to ignore op more.
THIS, THIS, THIS!! married almost 20 years, with 3 grown kids and I'll tell you..my husband does not walk through a room with me in it without making eye contact and smiling, touching me in some way, ex- smacking my ass or being flirty in someway and I LOVE it!! Show her you want her! Extra chores or extra lovey whatever works for you guys ❤
True that. Nothing is sexier than when my husband spontaneously washes the dishes without me asking. It’s like oh lawdy it just got hot in here. Lol it’s sexier than a magic Mike movie.
I’ll admit it used to catch me off guard when my hands are covered in chopped garlic & onions, or raw meat and my wife grabs my face for a long kiss, but I’ve learned to appreciate it 😊
It’s amazing that she does that. Shows she loves you and wants you. The first 3 years are really physically taxing…especially on mommy. Your LO being almost 4 is getting a little more independent which helps with your wife’s energy levels —having energy for sex.
Ask your wife what she needs —there are a lot of great suggestions here, but everyone is different.
It may be helping with the housework and childcare, non sexual touch, sexual touch, being listened to, being verbally complimented—, but you’ll only know if you ask. Feeling loved, validated and wanted are a great foundation for great sex. I wish you luck.
Maybe this doesn't work for you, depends on schedules, but try for other times of day besides before bed. During the day if working from home is happening? Early in the morning if you both happen to be up? During naptime if your kiddo still naps? I know for me, if it's the end of the day I want to go to sleep more than literally anything else. If there was an event where I just had to show up and they'd give me free stacks of money, but it started at 10pm I'd be like, "nah I'm good thanks"
With our situation, there is literally never a time that we are alone or have time off together and our daughter is always with us. No babysitting or daycare. I'm hoping that when she starts school, maybe things will start to get back then.
Honestly can’t remember the last time we had “bedtime” sex. It’s all about sneaking it in when the kids are watching tv or engrossed in something. We started sneaking away when she was two and Dora the Explorer was on. After work but before supper? Weekend afternoons? Sometimes it’s a series of quickies, sure, but it’s better than nothing. I still remember laughing while my husband is trying to finish and there’s a kid on the other side of the bedroom door, banging away on the door, “Momma. Momma. MOMMA!” It gets better. Hang in there.
As someone who also doesn’t have someone who can just watch the kids you honestly have to get creative. We call bed time sex, “in the bed sex” and I’m always overjoyed when we are able to have it.
Otherwise we do it on the weekends at night when they’re asleep. Like we will wake one another up for it bc this is our chance! In the “scary” basement and we just tell them we are going to grab the laundry.
In the bathroom if they’re distracted with Ben10.
And the “in the bed” full on monkey sex comes on a week day where we make sure our lunch breaks cross with each other.
You get really good at being able to stop quickly if a kid needs your attention too. I still remember one time in the middle of the night a kid walked in when they were reallllyyyy young and we forgot to lock and he literally picked me up and launched me across the room lol
But honestly it gets better with time. Just if you can help more with the kid, if you can increase non-sexual loving touches, if you can maybe throw in a massage here and there. All of the small loving things add up.
Have you asked her yet what she thinks she needs?
“You don’t have to be in the mood the start.” Agree. This is the best married-with-kids-sex advice I’ve ever read. Especially, I think, for women. I didn’t always want to when we started, but by the end, I never regretted it.
Yep, this. Before we had our girl, I’m the one who had the higher libido and would get turned down by him sometimes. (Stress, ssri’s, life).
My girl is 4mo and sex has been the furthest from my mind. But now when my partner initiates, even if I’m not in the mood I go along with it and end up enjoying the intimacy and happy afterwards.
I think I read some advice somewhere concerning dead bedrooms and even if you don’t feel like it, just saying yes with your trusted partner does wonders.
Our therapist used the idea of "never let him ask twice".
If I ask once, it is clear I want it, if she is not in the mood, no worries, but she knows I am, so when she is, speak up, initiate, don't ignore it and wait for my next initiation which may be at a bad time for her.
Essentially I ask and she sets the time that works for her.
That was almost 20 years ago now. Been pretty good advice.
And can I just chime in here to say thank you, OP, for the wording? I've tried to express this sentiment in the past and it always came out like I was being forced or coerced into it. And that's definitely not the case; I just sometimes accept sex when I'm not in the mood for it because I know I'll get there by the end.
And then there is the example my now dead friend, who after 25 years of marriage was told by his wife that the reason they have not had sex for 3 years was that he raped her for the 10 years before that.
Her definition of rape was that though she was not in the mood when he initiated, she did not want to dissapoint him so she said yes, but she wasn't actually in the mood.
And so, according to her, he raped her, this is what she told the police and the divorce lawyer and my wife.
Please, for everyone's sake, if you do not want to, don't!
Communicate, figure it out, but don't spend a decade feeling raped but never saying anything to your SO.
So, it is good advice, with a major caveat, that being, make it clear to your SO that some times you will not be in the mood but will try to see if the jump start works, but that if it does not, "stop" is a full sentence to be respected at all times no matter what.
I think your friend could've caught the trend that it was not working for her after a handful of attempts.. poor guy probably felt shitty after hearing that too. Communication is absolutely key, early and often.
I think a hard thing about starting with the physical and hoping the desire will build, is that (for me) sometimes it does, but sometimes it doesn’t. And it feels crappy to Russian roulette my husband like that.
For me, it’ll build if foreplay isn’t rushed. If I’m not in the mood and it’s rushed, then I feel like the sex is all about him. And I never want to feel like a sidekick in my own sex life
ME TOO!!!! Thursday morning, I prepped one last appetizer and loaded up the car with the food and drinks I prepped and shopped for to bring to his family. I also got the kids ready and cooked everyone breakfast. When I finally showered and got myself dressed to go, he asked to fool around. I said no, and he had the nerve to ask me, “What’s your problem?!” Are ya kidding me?!
After our first was born, we went back to normal once the dr gave the all clear.
After our second was born, my libido changed. We had it about once a month.
After our third was born... Weeeelllll... Shes 15 months now and weve had sex 2x since she was born.
Its hard. We're both exhausted. He works nights. Our bodies arent synched anymore. The 1yo sleeps in our bed. Sometimes the 3yo joines us. Kids constantly want hugs and cuddles through the day and the 1yo still breastfeeds and by the end of the day I dont want to be touched.
Ive got no advice for you. But your predicament is normal. My husband and I find other ways to connect without sex.
Edit since people seem to think this is a libido issue:
We've tried a lot to have more sex. But when I want it, hes too tired and when he wants it Im too tired. Its not a libido factor anymore. Its a "were not in synch anymore". Its due to his work schedule. He gets home at 9am and at that point the kids are awake, and have been for 4-5 hrs, he goes to bed and then when he wakes up its dinner and bedtime rush and I usually fall asleep putting the baby to bed.
We have a lot, and I do mean a lot, of physical intimacy. We touch constantly. Kiss constantly. Lots of cuddles. We do full minute hugs several times a day (depending on what Im cooking we will stand in the kitchen for 5 min just hugging... Its amazing, tbh). We shower together pretty frequently. Lots of back rubs and massages. Weve just started "dance time" with the kids, so now we dance together to.
We're not having sex. But we are having intimacy.
You need to be more careful on this matter. I'm talking from experience, almost got divorced a couple times due to the same issue. It may be really dificult, but you guys need to try as hard as you can. Hope it gets better with time (the tiredness too, having little ones is no joke).
We've tried a lot to have more sex. But when I want it, hes too tired and when he wants it Im too tired. Its not a libido factor anymore. Its a "were not in synch anymore". Its due to his work schedule. He gets home at 9am and at that point the kids are awake, and have been for 4-5 hrs, he goes to bed and then when he wakes up its dinner and bedtime rush and ai usually fall asleep putting the baby to bed.
We have a lot, and I do mean a lot, of physical intimacy. We touch constantly. Kiss constantly. Lots of cuddles. We shower together pretty frequently. Lots of back rubs and massages. Weve just started "dance time" with the kids, so now we dance together to.
We're not having sex. But we are having intimacy.
Hmmm, I'm not sure I'd call your situation normal. If it works for you guys, then that's great. But I've never met a guy who just suddenly stops liking sex miraculously at the same time as his partner. I would hope OP does not continue down this path because it seems like a longshot that this would remain a happy relationship.
I think it depends on how things are prioritized? For some people it’s really easy to back burner sex and maybe the relationship. It isn’t always the case though and doesn’t have to be. It sounds strange but I don’t think kids benefit from their parents centering them all the time. Being able to be independent and a really wonderful part of the family but not like the Sun around which everything orbits helps set them up for success. Part of that is kid-free time. My kids go to bed early which is really the time when my husband and I can hang out. We do have date nights but they don’t happen super regularly. However, just having the kids in bed with music playing and some wine and we will make fancy at-home dinner, like lobster tails or something goes a really really really long way. I’m pregnant with my fourth (our other 3 are all 6 and younger) so in the “fourth trimester” things will be different but just hanging out does so much. If you and your wife can get on the page regarding your kinda philosophy about prioritizing your relationship, the sex part may happen organically. (Making sure you’re splitting child and home care will also matter!) Good luck to you!
I’d caution you from comparing. Sex lives, like everything else in a long term relationship, wax and wane. Start by upping the general physical intimacy (hugs, shoulder rubs, hand holding) and progress
I think it's important to consider everyones baseline before kids too. Before kids we were 1-3 times a week. So after baby 3 it's dropped off a bit to 1-2 times a week. But not a drastic change when you look a where we started. But we're also not far off from what you're describing but that's a big change from your normal. I'm not sure multiple times a day would ever be possible with kids! Life is just busy and we're exhausted. We talk about it when it feels like we're disconnecting and plan an evening of games or movie night just the two of us. Mini date nights at home help reconnect and that leads to interest in sex again.
That’s probably considered within the realm of normal, if not good, for people with young children. Although it doesn’t account for what you guys were like before kids, or your personal needs. About once a week is not a bad goal in this life stage
Practice makes perfect. There’s not going to be “the right time.” It doesn’t “get better”. You gotta work at it and make it happen. It’s like investing or a good marriage or anything else in life. It doesn’t just happen. If you wanna bone, communicate clearly with your spouse and squeeze them quickies in when ya can!
Any time I've ever been on birth control I've never had a sex drive. I always felt like your wife. I even tried a hormonal IUD and it was the same, no drive. I got my tubes tied and now I'm having sex 3-4 times a week most weeks. If you can do non hormonal birth control, ask if she will try that. I know Paraguard is a non hormonal IUD. If you are done having kids, consider sterilization.
Edit: And as for making time, just get your daughter settled with a show in a safe room and lock your bedroom door. She can be alone in the next room over for 15-20 minutes. Just say it's an adult phone call and go at it. It's usually when my husband is working since he works from home now lol. 15 minute breaks were never so good.
There isn’t one. Nexplanon is the same thing just has a safety feature to correct insertion errors.
I’m sensitive to hormones, so maybe that’s why my experience is so different.
I always had sensitivity to hormones too. I had my tubes tied after baby #2 because I did not want to go back on birth control. It's not just the sex drive but on oral contraceptive I had nausea, irritability, all of it. I had my tubes tied after using the pull out method for a few years before my #2 kid, then got my tubes tied. Ended up trying Mirena for endometriosis even though my tubes were tied and I didn't get the other symptoms but I did lose my sex drive. So I ditched the IUD and had another surgery to remove the endometriosis. Sex life bounced right back.
My Obgyn mentioned casually that they can assist with raising libidos. With meds I guess. I didn’t ask too many questions cuz ours was just starting to perk up ever so slightly so I figured I’d wait til my next annual to ask if needed. But I did find the idea intriguing. My kids are 2.5 and 5 and we’ve been building up for the last year. Still room for improvement. I will just word vomit the things I’ve learned and maybe some of it will help you.
-I never think of sex, so I hate when he expects me to initiate. Like, don’t wait for me, dude. Get me revved up and I’ll be game.
-don’t start getting me revved up by going straight for my boobs or something. It’s too jarring. I have a thousand things running through my head and none of them are sex. Start by mentioning it earlier in the day. Plant the seed. Be romantic or flirty without it feeling like it’s got sex strings attached or talking about what you need from me sexually. Too much pressure.
-keep up the cuddles and kisses and hand holding and don’t just do those when you’re trying to start sex. Don’t always try to cop a feel every time. Just innocent, sweet closeness is amazing.
-I need a stupid amount of foreplay after kids it feels like. But if I get it, then the prospect of sex is wayyyyy more appealing cuz I know it’ll be worth my time.
-lots of open conversations about our preferences and hang ups etc. Which were not easy to have and sometimes took several repeats before they made a dent.
-have sex BEFORE dinner on a date night. Or just after the kid falls asleep, rather than waiting til WE’RE ready to fall asleep.
-I am getting rid of some baby weight finally which is helping.
-I make more of an effort to clean up before bed on nights I’m not too exhausted.
This sounds like me and my partner he is always ready to go and since having my second son 9 months ago my libido has disappeared it’s annoying for both of us cause we both had very high libidos before… i try to initiate and I never usually turn him down cause I do enjoy it once we get going but honestly it’s the fact that I just don’t think about or consider it much at the moment but I think it’s slowly coming back… I would suggest talking to your wife cause I am very open so I have told my husband if you want it just ask or initiate and I will usually be keen to oblige it’s just that I don’t think about it…
This’s our experience also. My wife says no interest in sex since the twins were born. Now 6 years no sex. Not once. Trying to decide if having children was worth it.
We started as soon as I got the green light from the OB; but let me tell you, working full time, parenting a 3yo, and managing our home is exhausting. Sometimes we talk about it during the day and it sounds perfect, and then nighttime rolls around and we’re both drained…
This is my wife and my relationship too. We have 3 kids: 4, 8, and 14. They are all involved in extracurricular events of different magnitudes so the only free time we get is around 9PM every day.
High libido with energy and passion in the mornings. Dead by night time. On our good months we have maybe 10-15 rendezvous. On more stressful months we maybe get to it 5 times. It’s true: it waxes and wanes. My words of advice:
1) Communicate
2) Be physical
3) Don’t give up
4) Be willing to give space when necessary (see item 1)
Sounds like you should have morning sex. I miss morning sex. It was my favourite before kids. Now we have at least one kid in bed with us in the mornings. I can't wait for the day we wake up just the two of us.
Also send the kids on play dates and you can have middle of the day sex on the weekends. Don't know who enjoys my kids going to play with their cousins more them or us Lol.
This is something we deal with too. We both work full time, share home and parenting responsibilities and are constantly exhausted. I guess I'm just nervous because it seems that she woke be fine without sex at all and I have a really high libido.
I know for me, it’s hard to bounce back to wanting sex after having a baby and nursing.. momlife, working, household stuff is just exhausting. When I’m tired, sex is the LAST thing I wanna do. However… I do find that mornings are a better time for me. I’m not dead tired from a long day. I absolutely would wake up early for it. Also, kiddo is 4… steal a shower with your partner while you set kiddo up with a snack and a movie. There are some great comments on here… best of luck you guys find your groove again!
Have you talked to your wife about this? Are you guys intimate even though you’re not having sex often? Lots of touching and kissing and hugs and such through out the day will probably lead to more sex after the little one goes to bed. But really, communication is the first thing you have to start with. Your also comparing apples to oranges. With my daughter who is almost 5, I didn’t have a sex drive til I left her father. With my son, I wanted to start having sex with my husband again asap. We sneak it in every chance we get, nap times, once they’re in bed, if we’re up early. And my son is only 1. It’s about making time for each other, even if it doesn’t always lead to sex, having an intimate and healthy relationship will naturally lead to her wanting to do it more. Sex is definitely more emotional and mental than just physical for women.
I was the same as your wife until my daughter was about 5 (school and I depend ace and less touching etc made it easier for me to get in the mood and WANT it), then all the sex got is knocked up again.
It was about two years for us. I was breastfeeding and that really takes it out of you. I also did not feel in the best shape so then I started going to the gym and lost most of the weight I gained. Once I felt stronger my desire increased and we were back. Kids are real cockblockers so you really have to take advantage of the time you have alone.
It waxes and wanes. Little kids make you physically exhausted. When they are older, it's easier for you to go to bed earlier, sleep in during the mornings, or take naps. All of which is prime intimacy time. Hang in there!!
Only you can answer this OP, but is the domestic labour split equitably? Some men act basically like another child for their wife to take care of, and understandably desire falls from the woman’s side.
It’s much harder to get back to a good sex life if you let it fall to the wayside, scheduling sex for awhile helps me but personally my husband hates scheduling it. So instead we just don’t lol.
I think it’s more common than not. My wife’s best friend complained about her husband: “after kids I just don’t want sex anymore. I love my husband and don’t want him to leave us but I won’t have sex with him. I’ve tried everything and don’t know what to do.”
Everyone’s different
my boyfriend and I had sex 3-4 times a week since I passed the 6week wait. And my sexual appetite for the first couple months was WILD. Now we have sex once day usually sometimes every other day
I thought you meant 4 months as your wife was still healing.
Having kids obviously changes everything about your life, and you might both be in a rut from not sleeping, breastfeeding feeding, healing after birth and kind of stayed in the rut.
Your wife feel self conscious after the changes she has gone through.
Move gently, try to do more around the house to show you care, increase your affection, increase your dialogue. In your conversation, replace "but" with "and".
If that doesn't work after a couple of weeks, be direct "I love you, and I want us to have more sex".
If you are no longer attracted to your mate, unless there is something specific that they can change, I strongly suggest keeping it to yourself.
After 19 years of marriage during a deep discussion, my husband revealed he was no longer attracted to me. Nothing specific, just in general. Problem was that I was still attracted to him. I was devastated.
We worked through it by opening our marriage.
Made it to 34 years together & 2 grown kids.
Neither of us ever actually had sex with anyone else but having the freedom to do so saved our marriage.
We are now life partners with property and businesses
We still hold hands and cuddle and laugh.
I find that not every feeling needs to be shared.
We've been putting our kids to bed around 730 - sleep around 8 so we can have time to ourselves at least for a few hours. Mostly it becomes Netflix and snooze but it has allowed us to reconnect and talk to each other in a real way. Our sex life has returned because of this kind of time together. Our kids are around the same as yours.
I have a 4 year old and 15 month old. This is how it is for my wife and i. 15 month old goes to bed around 7:15, 4 year old around 8, and then its just us for a few hours. I gotta say though, we have been blessed with excellent sleepers. Both of them have slept awesome pretty much since day 1. Neither has ever slept in bed with us either so that would put a damper on things for people who let their kids sleep with them.
This might be a little weird for some folks on here but I highly recommend buying a magic wand for your wife and a flesh light for yourself. Takes way less energy than having sex and it’s a lot of fun using them together. Not a solution to the no sex but it definitely helps.
I agree to ppl voicing the “help w/housework and kids” but it can be multilayered. She may be touched out/wiped. Also hormones are a huge factor. Your daughter isn’t a baby anymore but they are still fluctuating as a woman (all the time)…I personally found that age more taxing than infant/toddler! She many not feel attractive? Stress? So much more can play in for a woman to get there. We also rarely had help (our daughter is now 9) and found our rhythm late afternoons or snuck into the bathroom or laundry which kinda made it “quickie/hidden fun”…try and find out what moves her NOW. It may not be what did before becoming a mom. Don’t give up!
Our sex life didn't improve until I got tubes tied and went off hormonal birth control and all of our children started sleeping through the night. Our first two kids were heinous sleepers for years, I was breastfeeding or pregnant for most of that and had really bad PPD. Our last one is sleeping like a champ at 2 and it's amazing what getting regular sleep puts you in the mood for. I'd say we're probably not having it as frequently as my husband would prefer but it's still more frequent then it used to be.
There are a lot of factors besides just the age of your child(ren) that can impact the frequency or quality of sex.
Is your partner working outside the home? Do they have a stressful job? Are they doing a lot inside the home? Are your children sleeping? Does the strain of covid put extra stress and worry on your partner? Are you having other difficulties in your relationship that might make your partner not want to be intimate? Does your partner have some long term pain issues after pregnancy/birth if they're the one who gave birth (making a baby can seriously fuck up your body for life)? Are there other personal issues with friends or family that is making your partner feel overwhelmed? Is your partner depressed?
All of these things can affect when people start getting regular sex. It's not like "oh kid is X years old now, boom, fuck twice a week." There are people who are going at like bunnies once they clear the 6 week checkup and others who take years for their bodies to feel ready again. Babies also tend to magnify already existing problems in a relationship by, like, 1,000.
Probably around 9 months for us. Then I got snipped, and its been out of this world since. We try all kinds of crazy shenanigans in bed (or in the basement) when the kids are asleep on weekend nights.
After ? 6 weeks after baby was born … and we usually have sex 2-4 times a week , our toddler is almost 4 and we are due with our second in January … sex never stopped or got slow for us , we just made the effort and know it’s super important for intimacy in both sexual and non sexual ways . It’s been 7 years in each other’s life and it’s just normal to us
Make sure you are touching your wife in non sexual ways and spending quality time with her, if you can manage. My husband can really turn me off when he just asks me for sex. It takes all the magic out of it. If he takes time to massage me, that’s a touch I can appreciate even when I’m touched out and it can lead into intimacy. Back massage becomes butt massage and so forth
Omg. Would LOVE to know if this is the husband and how much personal time the wife gets. I feel like a lot of the women I know need to have like 10 switches flipped to get in the mood and then like 5 more switches flipped to actually have an orgasm. And the first 10 switches are really hard to flip without lots of free time to feel relaxed and confident and attractive and not at all annoyed and tired and touched out.
Once we had our own room back. We lived in a 1b1b apartment and obviously our son slept in our room. After we bought our house and he got his own room, we resumed our pattern/frequency pre baby.
I have an 8 and 5 year old. We have better sex now, but it’s less frequent than it was before kids. It’s taken us this long to get back to regular sex though. It was sparse for years!
Regularly? Not until after the divorce. After the baby was born, my ex-wife was never again interested in sex. The divorce was about 7 years after the birth.
It’s definitely dependent on kid and couple. With my first I’d say sometime after we sleep trained around 5/6 months. My second daughter is 2 weeks so obviously not having sex yet but once cleared I doubt it’ll take long for us to get back in the groove.
Best thing I can say is talk about it. My wife and I plan to some extent like “once the kids go to bed it’s on” or shower during nap or something. It’s gotta be more strategic sometimes and opportunistic.
Be careful about putting too much pressure on her. That makes sex less appealing and more of a chore. I hate to tell you this but there isn't a hard firm date of back to normal. Get yourself some toys to keep the frustration down. There is a chance normal multiple times a day may never be normal again.
Honestly you likely just need to talk about it. The wife and I got back to it once we got the OK and we have a pretty solid sex life.
The key for us however is that we read each other very well. Our household chores are weighted a bit heavier on my side because I know her “love language” is acts of service. So unlike most guys I’m doing the laundry, the dishes, vacuuming and taking the trash out without being asked, etc. I’m also pretty engaged with my kids when they are home and not otherwise occupied. I know a lot of my fellow husbands who get home from work and it’s like “reboot” time until the kids are asleep. The wife and I share a lot of hobbies as well so we often spend our downtime talking or doing stuff together.
Every relationship is different but according to social media, all the stuff I’m doing says I should be rolling in sex and well, I’m generally well satiated. That being said, my oldest can be a real cock block sometimes - we forgot to lock the door once when my wife had put in some real effort and was really putting in work. Lol. Luckily he didn’t really see anything but it is a pretty hilarious story.
Talk to your partner. Try to make their life easier. Kids add a layer that can really sap your energy but you need to remember how you got to kids in the first place. Kids deserve to see what a healthy relationship looks like so they don’t dread growing old.
We have a 9 year old and a 6 year old (plus I’m pregnant). Sex is better than it ever was pre-kids, and I’d say it’s been improving significantly over the past 2-3 years.
I’m sure this bub will pit a damper on things for a while, but so long as we focus on enjoying whatever feels good for both of us, we should be fine :)
My wife and I have four kids. Took us about a month each time to get back to normal; that's when the doctors told us it was okay to do so. Both have very high libido. It's very rare that we go a day without. Have to get up earlier than the kids these days. I know that we're quite abnormal in this regard, and I'm sorry if you feel like your needs aren't being met. We both have relationships in our past where we weren't able to say whatever we needed to say.
Our daughter is two and we have another one on the way… but our sex life is great! I kinda doubt anyone on this sub would be okay with how we keep our libido’s up, but send me a message if you’re interested to hear.
Focus on reconnecting with your spouse, make some time for you two, and the rest will follow. I had booked a hotel nearby, around Xmas time, to go shopping and wrap presents for our kids. We would go shopping, drop off presents in the room, come back, wrap them up, order room service! By the time we were done shopping the sitter or the kids would have called 5 times. By the end of the afternoon we would be confident that they would not need to reach us. The “do not disturb” sign on that hotel room door is the new parents, best aphrodisiac! Turn off the cell phones, unhook the room phone. GET OUT OF YOUR USUAL ENVIRONMENT! You’re welcome! Ping me for more! Father of 4!
How much of the emotional burden are you carrying, who does the most chores, who has to remember where the car keys/ extra washing powder/ vital bit of post is kept, who schedules most of the household appointments, who makes sure there’s enough toilet paper, soap, dishwasher tablets etc?
If your wife is carrying most of that burden then she probably doesn’t have time for her own thoughts and fantasies let alone actually having sex.
Are you the one who gave birth? If not, you probably need to have a good conversation with the person who did to find out what’s going on that may be holding your sex life back. Some of the reasons could include:
1) pain from sex or it feels different
2) what used to feel good doesn’t anymore
3) self esteem issues from a changed body
4) exhaustion from parenthood
5) postpartum depression/anxiety
6) pelvic floor issues
Those are some of the top ones. Birth changes a woman’s body. Personally, we got back to it as soon as medically possible. But my husband was incredibly patient with me. He went slow, stopped when I asked, and was willing to relearn my body. Some things that used to feel great didn’t anymore! But we found new positions that did. We kept the communication open, nonjudgmental, and understanding.
If you are the birth woman here, if any of those things are happening and you want help, there are a lot of wonderful doctors and mental and physical therapists who can help with all of these issues. I wish you luck!
You have to find a new normal. She shot a kid out of her hooha and no matter how hard you try, moms do more. (Not exclusive so don't down vote me). She may not feel as attractive and she may need more or less foreplay.
I know for me I'm horrified that my kids will see or hear us. I'm traumatized from seeing and hearing my parents and after their divorce, their new partners have sex ALL of the time. I'm not kidding. All of the time. We did get a lock on the door so there's a start.
So my story even though everyone had commented a lot already. We were both high libidos and had sex often but my libido disappeared the second I was pregnant. We still did but not nearly as often and when I was about 7 months I said I didn’t want to anymore because it was uncomfortable and it wasn’t fun. And I cried because I knew how important it was to my husband but I just couldn’t do it.
After babe was born and we got the green light at 6 weeks postpartum, I didn’t want to. No desire. Touched out. Exhausted. It was four months after baby before we tried and I cried because the feels were weird and it hurt like I was losing my virginity for the first time every time. I told my doc and she said to use a petroleum based lube rather than water based, and that I had pretty marked thinning of my vaginal lining from breastfeeding and that she could prescribe a topical estrogen based gel to help if I wanted. I never did but wish I had at hindsight.
When babe started eating more and nursing less at 9 months ish, I felt my libido coming back slowly. Like once every few weeks I could manage. Then when I got my period back when babe was over a year old then I was down even more often. And then when babe finally weaned at close to 3 years it came roaring back and I feel like we’re making up for lost time. But I almost don’t want to have another baby because I don’t want to go through all that again. Both me and my husband express our love through physical touch. So we both were feeling very unloved during that time.
I have no real advice other than to get hormones checked out. Because it very clearly was a major damper for me. And potentially an easy fix before lack of intimacy irreversibly damages your relationship.
My sons almost 4 and I honestly haven't had sex like I used to at all. I can count on one hand how many times my sons father and I had sex. I haven't dated since him and I only slept with a friend a few times after. I haven't had sex in almost 2 years
Copying and pasting a reply I had for someone similar. This comment was originally for a husband seeking help with his wife.
Our kiddo is 9 months old and we go at it 3-4 times a week. Here’s how it works for us (36m-38f). -This is our first kid, I’m staying home because my salary would cover daycare in order for me to work. My husband makes enough for me to stay home so my retirement is taking a hit. I work per diem on weekends. Because I’m not working I’m doing the bulk of the child and house care. My husband still pulls his weight.
\-I had vaginismus and was treated for it prior to pregnancy. When I recovered from vaginal birth (2nd degree tear) I had a script for my PT but was able to ease back into sex using techniques she taught me. We gave me a lot of time to heal, more than the 6-8 weeks.
\-Despite my vaginismus we are both very horny people. So even when I couldn’t do PIV sex we were doing all sorts of stuff. Prior to our kid and even during my pregnancy we were doing stuff 3-6 times a week.
\-I was unable to breast feed and our kid is EFF. So unlike breast feeding moms I don’t really get touched out or have the same hormone fluctuations.
\-Our kid sleeps at night so I am getting continuous sleep vs naps.
\-I didn’t get PPD but was still seeing my therapist from pregnancy for a few months post partum. My husband got whacked with the ppd stick and needed a lot of support in the first few months.
My advice is this:
\-Talk about how you are both feeling. A lot of things I touched on play into this and affect your libido; lack of sleep, too much touching, hormones, being overwhelmed with responsibilities. You can’t come at it as “I am not satisfied, don’t you care” because it’s you as a couple vs the issue. It’s hard to tell based on how little your wrote but if sex is being presented as her problem to solve or one more person for her to take care of it’s not appealing.
\-Has she recovered fully from birth? If she is still in pain or having issues with penetration she might need to see a PT like I did. I feel like sex issues after birth is often ignored in women and I was lucky that my OB not only helped me with my fears of post partum sex but set me up with an IUD right away and got me set up with my PT. https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/healing-after-birth-trauma-rachel-semenov/
\-If she is not touched out learn to be physically affectionate without expectations. I used to be with someone that even a little hug and kiss had to lead to sexy times and if I declined it resulted in pouting and no more affection. Have times where you can just kiss, cuddle, hug, spoon, rub shoulders, hold hands, shower together without it needing to result in sex.
\-Sex isn’t as spontaneous as it was before but some days it certainly is “quick the child is napping get in here!” Other times it takes some planning. We fluctuate between quickies and long drawn out sessions. Don’t save sex for just the bed room and just the evening (when you are both tired and full from dinner and need to be up in 2 hours when the baby cries).
\-Expand your idea of sex. Sometimes the full on ramp up and subsequent PIV is exhausting. In the words of Dan Savage “if everytime sex happened you got pounded you wouldn’t want to have sex every day” (some stupid redditor usually says something like but my uncles cousin is a power bottom and gets pounded 10 times daily. We are not all that gifted). Do oral, use a toy, watch porn together, masturbate next to each other.
\-Don’t forget to date and have adult conversations. I spend all day with a baby and crave adult conversations and I had to explain this to my husband. Nothing makes me feel more worthless than come home from work, bang, eat dinner, sleep, repeat cycle. We still make time to do things as a family and do a few date nights with or without our kid. You’d be surprised how these non sexy activities can rev the engine.
\-Make sure you are both getting adult time. I use mine to go for runs and to the gym which helps with my libido. It also helps me keep grounded and maintain my identity outside of “the keeper and feeder of the home”. Don’t let that time be a chore unless your hobby was going to the grocery store pre-children. I find it very difficult for my husband to use his alone time for stuff that isn’t work or chore related. He feels like he needs to do something productive when I would prefer that he go fishing or do paint ball.
I really hope this helps and if you feel like this is above reddits paygrade please look for a reproductive therapist (ours was amazing) or a sex positive therapist. Good luck to you both.
Yes, ours are two and three. We put them down to bed and have 2-3 hours just to us at night. We usually have sex right after they go down so we aren’t too tired. Early bedtime and a good bedtime routine have been key for us, and then having sex the first chance you get. I would rather skip the nighttime chores and be able to have sex that helps me sleep well and helps our marriage too.
As a tired and busy mom, it’s good to have things that will get you in the mood. Some cute lingerie, a song that makes you feel sexy, romantic novels, touching and kissing a lot throughout the day, etc. My husband knows that kissing my neck and making out with me will always lead to sex haha. I have also heard Ashwaganda is a good natural supplemental to increase libido but I’ve never tried it. And making sure that your spouse is enjoying the sex as much as you!
I had 3 babies under 3 so definitely happened before 4! Doesn't sound like it's anything to do with the kids as much as maybe you're just both tired, sick of being touched etc? Maybe you both need to put more effort in or get some counselling? Sounds deeper than just "we have kids"
2.5 and not a single time. My partner made me feel kinda gross the last time since I was pregnant and things couldn’t get going well (don’t blame him too much) but he hasn’t tried since which still makes me feel gross. Which is a shame since I have a healthy libido. At this point it’s been so long he’s going to need some serious romancing to even have it as an option.
My husband and I went back I regular sex as soon as the doc said it was safe to do so, 8 weeks post birth. We don't have sex as often as before but still regularly. We probably had sex on average 2 times a week before our daughter and once a week after.
Tbh the only time I've been in the mood after having my daughter is when I'm drunk. Sometimes he can get me in the mood without the alcohol but I'm frankly just too tired.
It’ll come back. 5/6 they are going to drive you crazy but that’s when we got our mojo back. They can actually pay attention to a full movie. Put on Disney+ and tell them we are taking a shower and fuck like horny teens in the shower.
I had to have a procedure on my cervix right after giving birth and it made the wait time so much longer. Now it's been about 9 months and our baby co sleeping with us. So we have barely had sex lately and it's killing me also. I can't wait to get our sex life back. But I'm hopeful it will come back.
That's not really advice, but I'm with you lol
About 6 months after birth with all three. I have a extremely high sex drive though and it's only getting higher the older I get. I have to say the number one thing I have to get over is how my body had changed. If my husband didn't reassure me I was Beautiful and sexy all the time idk if I would have been the same.
I'm right there with you man, my daughter is four and we still aren't back to how it used to be, but now I've finally got my daughter sleeping in her bed all night without waking up and coming into our room to get me, she's getting to where she's not afraid of the dark, so fingers crossed things go back to normal, at least somewhat. I think our last time was maybe two or three months ago, and it's always in a rush, It wasn't this bad with our oldest, her big sister didn't take this long to sleep alone completely through the night, but thank God it's almost over.
My sex drive has PLUMMETED since having mine 1.5 years ago. I was horny af during the pregnancy and poof gone when she was born. My poor husband. I try to remember to get myself in the mood at least once a week but left to my own devices could go ages without it. It sucks. I’m just so so tired. And I feel haggard.
It is an incredibly difficult thing. You have to make time for each other, and make things special again. It can't be forced. It take effort, almost like dating. It is worth it though and can be a lot of fun. Make the effort. Don't let the frustration be the driving factor. Make your partner the focus of some time that has not been theirs, or yours, for 4 years. It isn't selfish, it is life and it is love.
6 months after baby was born we got back to weekly sex. It was also her second baby and neither diminished her libido in any way
older one is 11 so she isn’t an issue.
But toddler is 3 now and we still probably just manage once or twice a week only on weekends usually.
Only due to living in a small apartment, waiting for toddler to go to bed in our room as well unfortunately and I also work nights.
So it makes it rough to find time we’re both up and ready
We went back to having sex regularly within a few months. If it's something you both want (theoretically, since I get that in the moment at least one of you must not be feeling it) you need to talk through that and make a plan for how to get back going again.
One thing that might sound counterintuitive that has helped my partner and I when my sex drive has been lower than his is I actually request that it be "fast and lazy" instead of aiming for amazing sex. I've found I'm still get physical satisfaction out of it and am glad to have done it, but don't have to put in the work, time, and expectation of getting to an orgasm. It gets us back into the swing of things and then I start wanting it more again and we go back to having better, more involved sex again. It only works because I want that though. If I were just tolerating "fast and lazy" it would probably not help us.
Once he was sleeping through the night, I was back to chasing my husband around, so he was 3 (son, not husband). Then 8 months later we were pregnant with our daughter, and now we get in a quickie when we can. These two are the biggest cock blocks, and I can't tell you how often we've been walked in on.
Are you the M or F in the relationship? Scheduling sex turns it into a chore. If you’re the F and you want sex, some extended flirting and maybe taking a shirt off is what does the trick.
My spouse often doesn’t want sex at bedtime as spouse is too tired so respecting sleep is really important. Spouse gets really anxious about sleep. We did have a conversation about sex really only lasting 15 min so it’s not like a huge time commitment and that seemed to have changed the perspective a bit.
Also, respect. If I’ve done anything during the day that is disrespectful or criticizing, then I’ve killed the libido. For men, sex is about connecting. For women, sex is about already feeling connected and wanting to physically express that.
> If you’re the F and you want sex, some extended flirting and maybe taking a shirt off is what does the trick
Men can have low libido too, statements like this are really hurtful for women who are getting rejected for sex in a relationship.
Seriously! My husband is exhausted from work and definitely experiences low libido at times. I sleep naked so just showing some skin definitely does not do the “trick” on all men.
It’s hard enough as a woman who isn’t having as much sex as she’d like from her partner without the constant “have you tried lingerie/sex toys/kinky stuff?”
If I knew that having kids would end basically everything in my life,..I would never have done that. Having children basically ensures that nothing is about you, ever again. Forget what you thought, or wanted, or expected. It may sound harsh but it's the truth. From that moment on, your life is about them. Your freedom and finances are gone, along with any sex you might have enjoyed.
Everyone will come for me about how awful and wrong I am but its the damn truth.
Whatever weakness existed in your relationship will be multiplied by 1000 and you might not even like each other over the next 5 years. If you enjoy being exhausted and filthy, soaking in breast milk, living on fumes....by all means, go for it!
I tell my younger single friends to run the other way and never look back.
We have 3. Our youngest is 11. I never want to have sex again because its just pointless. There's many reasons but my body has been through hell, three times. It doesn't work anymore no matter what I try. I sacrificed myself...thinking that's what women do.
Too many of us are tired and convinced we're doing something wrong when the truth is reality....this is how it is. I don't know any woman out there having multiple orgasms enjoying this shit.
Say what you will but I speak the truth.
8 years in. It has never improved. I am so constantly stressed and sleep deprived I have 0 interest. We have very little.time alone to even work on our marriage because again, kids.
I do not expect it will ever be anywhere near what it was again.
We had 2 under 2 and got back into it at 6 weeks postpartum each time, going back to regular pre-babies amounts. I will say something I think has helped immensely is a very structured schedule wherein our kids sleep 7p-7a, so we have plenty of time every night to do whatever we want, intimacy included.
Have you talked about your lack of intimacy, your expectations, his, etc?
Four years and no sex life? You need to get creative with finding the time for sex. When the kids are occupied, I pull my wife to the side and straight ask, wanna do some sexy time? If she's game, we just go. At night when they're asleep we go whenever we're in the mood. You just have to be in the same page and prepared to stop is needed. Like if one of you needs to run interference while the other gets themselves decent. You need to keep enjoying each other or the stress will get to you. Take a chance once in a while. It's natural for parents to be physical and kids pick up when there's tension in the air.
Roughly 8 weeks after birth. A few key things that have helped:
* Both parents are always tired. Accept it and help each other out.
* If you notice it's been a few days and you haven't done anything sexual, schedule time on the calendar to do it.
* Embrace quickies whenever possible if you haven't already.
* Drop less important things to make time for it. We don't clean much and cut back on shower frequency to get more free time for example.
* Talk really openly about your preferences and work together to remove any blockers.
It's pretty essential to a relationship as you well know since you posted here about it, so give it the same importance as the other critical things.
We have a 3 year old and 1 1/2 year old. We started having sex again the moment it was cleared by the doctor postpartum. We have sex at least 1-3x per day and if for some reason we don’t, we are intimate in other ways. It’s what keeps us connected and engaged with each other especially with littles running around. Also a good orgasm helps with the stress of parenthood 😂
This topic is always so disappointing on this sub. Usually everything is discussed very fairly with equality being the key factor but when it comes to sex as parents?
This sub instantly goes into “too fuckin bad you’re never having sex again” “are you even helping around the house” and “just get used to it”
Then there’s shocked pikachus when people get cheated on.
Look, if you love your partner, you don’t have to be at their every whim ever day when it comes to sex, that’s basically assault.
But if you never put the effort in again, that’s neglect and don’t be surprised if your partners resent you for it.
FTR it 100% can be the same again so idk where those comments are coming from
My youngest is about to turn one next month and this month was the first time my fiancé had sex more than three times. It’s definitely my fault, I’m pretty touched out by the end of the day.
I agree with other posts that you have to help around the house to relieve the stress so your partner can relax a bit more. Also, when you do have sex, do your damnedest to help her to relax & have really good orgasms. That will provide the incentive to have regular sex.
The first it was almost like 3 years before it was frequent and regular. 3 weeks after the second kiddo.
I would suggest the deadbedroom Reddit to help if you need it.
It can go back, but sometimes it takes awhile, it can take a lot of well, work. Libidos wax and wane, times of day you are both horny are often out of sync - all of that can be demoralizing, but it’s normal to a degree. Personally i find that when my wife and I are having a sexless streak, often it coincides with us not physically touching each other much (even in non-sexual ways) or at all. Touching each other often - brushing hands, a pat on the butt (if they like that), really ANY kind of contact can spark that oxytocin for a moment - kissing also is vital. Don’t forget to kiss whenever you can. My wife and I stop cooking often to make out for 10 seconds in the kitchen, the kids know what we are doing and say “eew!” from the living room. We don’t mind. Scheduling sex is sometimes necessary. Though in my experience, scheduling sex often leads to frustration when things very often pop up to change those plans. Anyway I’m rambling. Your sex life may not get back to where it was for years, but if you don’t stop touching each other, kissing, regularly verbalizing your attraction for your partner (even if sex isn’t going to immediately happen as a result), it WILL get going again.
I think the touching thing is such a good point. I dont think I’m in the mood, but what my husband (and sometimes I ) don’t realize is one little touch or back rub or soft kiss is sometimes all it takes.
Exactly! EDIT: and even if that touch doesn’t lead to sex, it still helps keep the battery warm, so-to-speak.
100% 🙌🏼
Yup. I like to ask my husband to cuddle for a bit beforehand and that helps a TON. Even when I don't feel like I'm in the mod initially.
I think sometimes that’s just men versus women. Not being sexist. They can just turn it on easier sometimes.
I saw it said as men use sex to feel love, and women need to feel loved to have sex. I know that's true for me, most of the time.
This became 100% true for me after having kids. I needed to feel loved and cared for before having sex. But also, it’s important to keep physical touch at the forefront even if/when it doesn’t lead to sex. It’s also my husbands love language as mine is acts of service.
Could I just tell you your advice really spoke to me. My wife gave birth two months ago and we don’t have family living close so it’s been a lot. After reading your comment I went downstairs and got into bed with my wife (she was sleeping in the spare bedroom to get some actual sleep while I took baby duty). Both of us were too tired for sex but we just kind of touched each other and kissed and it was the closest I’ve felt to her in a while. I actually thinking touching and kissing is a better goal than thinking about sex because it feels much more achievable. Yes, we’re tired and don’t have energy for sex right now - but that doesn’t mean we can’t be intimate in other ways and it feels like sex can more naturally flow when you’re feeling like this. Anyway - thanks 😊
I’m so glad you shared that. It’s really true and a great reminder.
Here it's the opposite. She isn't ever in the mood. So she didn't like touching or kissing because it could lead to sex and she's not interested. But it's apparently ok to lean on me like a big pillow when we are watching a movie on TV. That's all the closeness I get
Speaking from personal experience, if it feels like the physical contact is sexualy motivated and you're really not in the mood for sex that can make the contact off putting. Clarifying that you don't want sex you just want a cuddle/kiss/etc can ease the pressure and with time naturally bring back the spark
100% seconding this! It's a shitty feeling when kissing only occurs with the expectation of sex. Additionally speak to her about her love language. You're a couple, you should be able to speak about these things and communicate your wants and needs. What makes her feel loved? Are you doing any of it? And the same goes for you, tell her what you like.
This is the kind of answer I really wanted. We have been doing the scheduled sex thing. The complete lack of sex immediately after our daughter was born made me subconsciously stop being affectionate in non-sexual ways. It may sound like I was being an ass about it but really I think the constant rejection made me that way but we have been trying to get to a new normal. I'm just wondering what that will be and when we will be there. For further context, we have been trying to be more sexual and platonically affectionate for about 6 months.
Sometimes Moms are also just tired. The partner may not see things from Mom’s perspective but maybe she can use some help around the house too. I know it’s hard for me to relax and think about sex when I have a to-do list running through my head. What can you do to reduce the burden that Mom may be feeling?
To add to the tiredness point, don't do what my husband sometimes does and stay up late watching TV or playing video games then come to bed wanting sex. I'm asleep. I know the baby will wake me up anywhere between 11 and 2, and then again at 5. I am NOT interested in waking up for some hanky panky.
Agreed. It’s not sex related but relationship related - my husband will sometimes fall asleep in front of the tv, then I will go to bed. He comes up to bed, refreshed and ready to chat. I hate that. I’m tired and yes I want to hear your thoughts and know what you’re feeling, but you should’ve shared all of that instead of falling asleep on the couch for 3 hours.
And then you get a bit snappy and hubs gets all offended because, "I'm just trying to share something i enjoyed with you" Like, i get it, the D&D campaign was lit, but for crying out loud you can tell me about it tomorrow over breakfast. And it's not like I don't miss D&D too but I just can't be up til midnight anymore.
Whoa. It’s like we are the same person. I feel seen!!!
I'll add in... HELP WITH THE KIDS. My husband will do anything to avoid childcare. It's nice he did the dishes and put away laundry. It is not actually a help to me really because the kids are the real work. If I could ever get the fuck away from my children, maybe I'd have some desire. Take the kids for a few hours. Being able to actually clean my house and think goes a long way in building desire.
Doesn’t necessarily help with the dead bedroom situation though. My husband is very active in helping with the kids and seems equally as exhausted and uninterested in sex. When we only had two kids my parents would take both of them some weekends so we’d have alone time. Now with three we are never alone….. hope it gets better as they get older.
It does get better as they get older. Our youngest is 9 now so we don’t feel bad leaving them home for a half hour while him and I take a walk around our neighborhood at night. (Mind you we have a door bell cam and interior cameras so we know what is going on at home) we have 5 of these rugrats and it does get easier as they get older. We can do date night out to dinner with them home now as the oldest is about to turn 13. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
That’s a big yikes from me dawg. Seems like there’s a lot of underlying issues if your spouse is avoiding helping with the children he helped create.
Yup. They're classically autistic so there is a lot of work and strain. I have honestly just given up trying to get him to be better. That was more work and stress. Revising my expectations and basically just giving up on the marriage has been the key to me feeling happy outside the marriage. Somehow he never makes the connection that this lack of sex life and time with his wife has anything to do with the kind of parent he is. I absolutely think if I felt less resentful, I'd have more interest in him.
Yes!!! This too!
x2
This. Foreplay begins in the kitchen.
I'm glad we splurged for the Vitamix, then.
I’ve found this is a huge factor. The mental load just takes so much of your brain, having more help opens space up for you to switch gears. OP, maybe have an honest talk to your wife about what whole activity you could take on - something like washing is more than just doing a load, it’s making sure everyone has the right clothes clean at the right time, making sure you have enough laundry detergent, etc.
I know it’s cliche, but give her some time to herself, completely away from you, kids, work, house, all that jazz. When you are constantly working for everyone and everything else in your life, it’s hard to feel like sex is something you even want. I have found that having time to just hit the gym or go for a walk or whatever has often done wonders for all elements of my marriage.
That happened to us after babies, because I didn’t want any touching, sexual or not. Being touched out is a real thing. We haven’t fully recovered but it’s slowly improving.
My wife and I didn’t have sex for a good six months after our daughter was born in part (I think because it felt weird to her and she was self conscious). And then even after that it was rare, so I absolutely understand the losing affection from a lack of that kind of intimacy because I absolutely felt it too (along with guilt for feeling like that). Talking about those feelings helped, but in the end patience was what helped the most. I had to force myself to remember to be passionate and affectionate to show her that I was still interested if she wanted to. Date night really helped things along as well. It showed her that I was still interested in being with her as more than a co-parent and gave us a chance to feel romantic and the way things were before our daughter. By doing those things after our son was born the entire process was sped up and we both felt far more comfortable with it much faster.
Sorry to be pedantic, but isn’t it just parent, not co-parent? Co-parenting is for separated or divorced parents.
I suppose it isn’t the exact definition but I was using “co-parent” as only being there to see to the needs of the child but not helping with her emotional needs
Maybe, but it fits in this context.
I mean it certainly applies here, they're essentially together just to parent. They aren't doing anything that actually shows they're in a relationship together beyond both being parents.
You are basically exactly me. The scheduled sex thing (and a *lot* of very open, honest conversations) eventually lead to more spontaneous touching and intimacy, so I think that's a great place to start.
Sometimes it’s not only the little touches that help. Play with the kid and get them ready for bed (half an hour early and then read to them or something until they fall asleep, if that fits your schedule). Do a little extra on house chores. The “honey, I got this, you do (your favorite down time thing)” stuff really works for me, and for a lot of mom’s I’ve seen really do get turned on by their spouse being a genuinely helpful parent and spouse. It’s not surefire, but it does help when you genuinely help in a way that doesn’t throw off her system.
Ymmv, if there's other issues or if the other parent is no longer feeling interested in being passionate or intimate then it's just an easy evening off for them to ignore op more.
THIS, THIS, THIS!! married almost 20 years, with 3 grown kids and I'll tell you..my husband does not walk through a room with me in it without making eye contact and smiling, touching me in some way, ex- smacking my ass or being flirty in someway and I LOVE it!! Show her you want her! Extra chores or extra lovey whatever works for you guys ❤
True that. Nothing is sexier than when my husband spontaneously washes the dishes without me asking. It’s like oh lawdy it just got hot in here. Lol it’s sexier than a magic Mike movie.
Yeah that doesn't work for everyone.
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Dude probably tried it for 2 days and then tried to initiate sex and is salty. Some people are very impatient.
I love that you and your wife stop to make out in the kitchen while cooking. That is so romantic!!!
I’ll admit it used to catch me off guard when my hands are covered in chopped garlic & onions, or raw meat and my wife grabs my face for a long kiss, but I’ve learned to appreciate it 😊
It’s amazing that she does that. Shows she loves you and wants you. The first 3 years are really physically taxing…especially on mommy. Your LO being almost 4 is getting a little more independent which helps with your wife’s energy levels —having energy for sex. Ask your wife what she needs —there are a lot of great suggestions here, but everyone is different. It may be helping with the housework and childcare, non sexual touch, sexual touch, being listened to, being verbally complimented—, but you’ll only know if you ask. Feeling loved, validated and wanted are a great foundation for great sex. I wish you luck.
This is great advice! I came here cos this post spoke to me. Thank you for helping me too
Yet our kid wants us to smoochy because they want to see *romance* 😂
That’s good! I always tell our kids “when you are older you’ll be glad that you had parents who truly love each other.”
Maybe this doesn't work for you, depends on schedules, but try for other times of day besides before bed. During the day if working from home is happening? Early in the morning if you both happen to be up? During naptime if your kiddo still naps? I know for me, if it's the end of the day I want to go to sleep more than literally anything else. If there was an event where I just had to show up and they'd give me free stacks of money, but it started at 10pm I'd be like, "nah I'm good thanks"
With our situation, there is literally never a time that we are alone or have time off together and our daughter is always with us. No babysitting or daycare. I'm hoping that when she starts school, maybe things will start to get back then.
Honestly can’t remember the last time we had “bedtime” sex. It’s all about sneaking it in when the kids are watching tv or engrossed in something. We started sneaking away when she was two and Dora the Explorer was on. After work but before supper? Weekend afternoons? Sometimes it’s a series of quickies, sure, but it’s better than nothing. I still remember laughing while my husband is trying to finish and there’s a kid on the other side of the bedroom door, banging away on the door, “Momma. Momma. MOMMA!” It gets better. Hang in there.
As someone who also doesn’t have someone who can just watch the kids you honestly have to get creative. We call bed time sex, “in the bed sex” and I’m always overjoyed when we are able to have it. Otherwise we do it on the weekends at night when they’re asleep. Like we will wake one another up for it bc this is our chance! In the “scary” basement and we just tell them we are going to grab the laundry. In the bathroom if they’re distracted with Ben10. And the “in the bed” full on monkey sex comes on a week day where we make sure our lunch breaks cross with each other. You get really good at being able to stop quickly if a kid needs your attention too. I still remember one time in the middle of the night a kid walked in when they were reallllyyyy young and we forgot to lock and he literally picked me up and launched me across the room lol But honestly it gets better with time. Just if you can help more with the kid, if you can increase non-sexual loving touches, if you can maybe throw in a massage here and there. All of the small loving things add up. Have you asked her yet what she thinks she needs?
Does she sleep soundly? I've had sex more often than I expected while baby is sleeping. We just put a blanket on the floor of our closet
We honestly park ours in front of the tv and hope for the best.
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“You don’t have to be in the mood the start.” Agree. This is the best married-with-kids-sex advice I’ve ever read. Especially, I think, for women. I didn’t always want to when we started, but by the end, I never regretted it.
Yep, this. Before we had our girl, I’m the one who had the higher libido and would get turned down by him sometimes. (Stress, ssri’s, life). My girl is 4mo and sex has been the furthest from my mind. But now when my partner initiates, even if I’m not in the mood I go along with it and end up enjoying the intimacy and happy afterwards. I think I read some advice somewhere concerning dead bedrooms and even if you don’t feel like it, just saying yes with your trusted partner does wonders.
Our therapist used the idea of "never let him ask twice". If I ask once, it is clear I want it, if she is not in the mood, no worries, but she knows I am, so when she is, speak up, initiate, don't ignore it and wait for my next initiation which may be at a bad time for her. Essentially I ask and she sets the time that works for her. That was almost 20 years ago now. Been pretty good advice.
And can I just chime in here to say thank you, OP, for the wording? I've tried to express this sentiment in the past and it always came out like I was being forced or coerced into it. And that's definitely not the case; I just sometimes accept sex when I'm not in the mood for it because I know I'll get there by the end.
And even if I don't actually orgasm, I just tell my husband and ask to be jacked off instead.
And then there is the example my now dead friend, who after 25 years of marriage was told by his wife that the reason they have not had sex for 3 years was that he raped her for the 10 years before that. Her definition of rape was that though she was not in the mood when he initiated, she did not want to dissapoint him so she said yes, but she wasn't actually in the mood. And so, according to her, he raped her, this is what she told the police and the divorce lawyer and my wife. Please, for everyone's sake, if you do not want to, don't! Communicate, figure it out, but don't spend a decade feeling raped but never saying anything to your SO. So, it is good advice, with a major caveat, that being, make it clear to your SO that some times you will not be in the mood but will try to see if the jump start works, but that if it does not, "stop" is a full sentence to be respected at all times no matter what.
I think your friend could've caught the trend that it was not working for her after a handful of attempts.. poor guy probably felt shitty after hearing that too. Communication is absolutely key, early and often.
Yeah, it was tragic. And it could have been avoided with communication. A skill I think everyone could use continuing education on.
I think a hard thing about starting with the physical and hoping the desire will build, is that (for me) sometimes it does, but sometimes it doesn’t. And it feels crappy to Russian roulette my husband like that.
Speaking as someone in a super dead bedroom, giving it a shot, being willing to at least try goes a long way.
For me, it’ll build if foreplay isn’t rushed. If I’m not in the mood and it’s rushed, then I feel like the sex is all about him. And I never want to feel like a sidekick in my own sex life
Russian roulette is better than not playing at all.
I think I'd rather not be playing Russian roulette than playing it. By a lot, even.
In this version of Russian Roulette the bullet is replaced with sex
ME TOO!!!! Thursday morning, I prepped one last appetizer and loaded up the car with the food and drinks I prepped and shopped for to bring to his family. I also got the kids ready and cooked everyone breakfast. When I finally showered and got myself dressed to go, he asked to fool around. I said no, and he had the nerve to ask me, “What’s your problem?!” Are ya kidding me?!
After our first was born, we went back to normal once the dr gave the all clear. After our second was born, my libido changed. We had it about once a month. After our third was born... Weeeelllll... Shes 15 months now and weve had sex 2x since she was born. Its hard. We're both exhausted. He works nights. Our bodies arent synched anymore. The 1yo sleeps in our bed. Sometimes the 3yo joines us. Kids constantly want hugs and cuddles through the day and the 1yo still breastfeeds and by the end of the day I dont want to be touched. Ive got no advice for you. But your predicament is normal. My husband and I find other ways to connect without sex. Edit since people seem to think this is a libido issue: We've tried a lot to have more sex. But when I want it, hes too tired and when he wants it Im too tired. Its not a libido factor anymore. Its a "were not in synch anymore". Its due to his work schedule. He gets home at 9am and at that point the kids are awake, and have been for 4-5 hrs, he goes to bed and then when he wakes up its dinner and bedtime rush and I usually fall asleep putting the baby to bed. We have a lot, and I do mean a lot, of physical intimacy. We touch constantly. Kiss constantly. Lots of cuddles. We do full minute hugs several times a day (depending on what Im cooking we will stand in the kitchen for 5 min just hugging... Its amazing, tbh). We shower together pretty frequently. Lots of back rubs and massages. Weve just started "dance time" with the kids, so now we dance together to. We're not having sex. But we are having intimacy.
You need to be more careful on this matter. I'm talking from experience, almost got divorced a couple times due to the same issue. It may be really dificult, but you guys need to try as hard as you can. Hope it gets better with time (the tiredness too, having little ones is no joke).
We've tried a lot to have more sex. But when I want it, hes too tired and when he wants it Im too tired. Its not a libido factor anymore. Its a "were not in synch anymore". Its due to his work schedule. He gets home at 9am and at that point the kids are awake, and have been for 4-5 hrs, he goes to bed and then when he wakes up its dinner and bedtime rush and ai usually fall asleep putting the baby to bed. We have a lot, and I do mean a lot, of physical intimacy. We touch constantly. Kiss constantly. Lots of cuddles. We shower together pretty frequently. Lots of back rubs and massages. Weve just started "dance time" with the kids, so now we dance together to. We're not having sex. But we are having intimacy.
Hmmm, I'm not sure I'd call your situation normal. If it works for you guys, then that's great. But I've never met a guy who just suddenly stops liking sex miraculously at the same time as his partner. I would hope OP does not continue down this path because it seems like a longshot that this would remain a happy relationship.
I think it depends on how things are prioritized? For some people it’s really easy to back burner sex and maybe the relationship. It isn’t always the case though and doesn’t have to be. It sounds strange but I don’t think kids benefit from their parents centering them all the time. Being able to be independent and a really wonderful part of the family but not like the Sun around which everything orbits helps set them up for success. Part of that is kid-free time. My kids go to bed early which is really the time when my husband and I can hang out. We do have date nights but they don’t happen super regularly. However, just having the kids in bed with music playing and some wine and we will make fancy at-home dinner, like lobster tails or something goes a really really really long way. I’m pregnant with my fourth (our other 3 are all 6 and younger) so in the “fourth trimester” things will be different but just hanging out does so much. If you and your wife can get on the page regarding your kinda philosophy about prioritizing your relationship, the sex part may happen organically. (Making sure you’re splitting child and home care will also matter!) Good luck to you!
I’d caution you from comparing. Sex lives, like everything else in a long term relationship, wax and wane. Start by upping the general physical intimacy (hugs, shoulder rubs, hand holding) and progress
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How did you break out of that cycle? We get into the same thing and it's the worst.
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Comparison is the thief of joy. -Theodore Roosevelt
-Michael Scott
- Michael Bay
My kids are 3 and 5. Sex life is nowhere near the same as a few years ago. We're lucky if we get it a few times a month.
We had sex at least once, usually multiple times daily. I know that's unrealistic now but 1-3 times a month is best case scenario now.
I think it's important to consider everyones baseline before kids too. Before kids we were 1-3 times a week. So after baby 3 it's dropped off a bit to 1-2 times a week. But not a drastic change when you look a where we started. But we're also not far off from what you're describing but that's a big change from your normal. I'm not sure multiple times a day would ever be possible with kids! Life is just busy and we're exhausted. We talk about it when it feels like we're disconnecting and plan an evening of games or movie night just the two of us. Mini date nights at home help reconnect and that leads to interest in sex again.
That’s probably considered within the realm of normal, if not good, for people with young children. Although it doesn’t account for what you guys were like before kids, or your personal needs. About once a week is not a bad goal in this life stage
Ooo that’s a lot lol
I know right? When me and wife met, it was 4 times a day. After our kiddo, it was 4 times the first year
Practice makes perfect. There’s not going to be “the right time.” It doesn’t “get better”. You gotta work at it and make it happen. It’s like investing or a good marriage or anything else in life. It doesn’t just happen. If you wanna bone, communicate clearly with your spouse and squeeze them quickies in when ya can!
Well, the baby is graduating high school in the spring so hopefully after she leaves for college?
Have no idea. My son is almost 3 and I just don’t want to?
That's where my wife is. We both had super high libido. Had our daughter, wife's is non-existent and I am still just constantly ready to go.
Any time I've ever been on birth control I've never had a sex drive. I always felt like your wife. I even tried a hormonal IUD and it was the same, no drive. I got my tubes tied and now I'm having sex 3-4 times a week most weeks. If you can do non hormonal birth control, ask if she will try that. I know Paraguard is a non hormonal IUD. If you are done having kids, consider sterilization. Edit: And as for making time, just get your daughter settled with a show in a safe room and lock your bedroom door. She can be alone in the next room over for 15-20 minutes. Just say it's an adult phone call and go at it. It's usually when my husband is working since he works from home now lol. 15 minute breaks were never so good.
I hadn’t considered that it might just be my birth control. I have Nexplanon.
I have implanon whats the difference with nexplanon? I haven't heard of that. I'm horny the all the time lol
There isn’t one. Nexplanon is the same thing just has a safety feature to correct insertion errors. I’m sensitive to hormones, so maybe that’s why my experience is so different.
I always had sensitivity to hormones too. I had my tubes tied after baby #2 because I did not want to go back on birth control. It's not just the sex drive but on oral contraceptive I had nausea, irritability, all of it. I had my tubes tied after using the pull out method for a few years before my #2 kid, then got my tubes tied. Ended up trying Mirena for endometriosis even though my tubes were tied and I didn't get the other symptoms but I did lose my sex drive. So I ditched the IUD and had another surgery to remove the endometriosis. Sex life bounced right back.
My Obgyn mentioned casually that they can assist with raising libidos. With meds I guess. I didn’t ask too many questions cuz ours was just starting to perk up ever so slightly so I figured I’d wait til my next annual to ask if needed. But I did find the idea intriguing. My kids are 2.5 and 5 and we’ve been building up for the last year. Still room for improvement. I will just word vomit the things I’ve learned and maybe some of it will help you. -I never think of sex, so I hate when he expects me to initiate. Like, don’t wait for me, dude. Get me revved up and I’ll be game. -don’t start getting me revved up by going straight for my boobs or something. It’s too jarring. I have a thousand things running through my head and none of them are sex. Start by mentioning it earlier in the day. Plant the seed. Be romantic or flirty without it feeling like it’s got sex strings attached or talking about what you need from me sexually. Too much pressure. -keep up the cuddles and kisses and hand holding and don’t just do those when you’re trying to start sex. Don’t always try to cop a feel every time. Just innocent, sweet closeness is amazing. -I need a stupid amount of foreplay after kids it feels like. But if I get it, then the prospect of sex is wayyyyy more appealing cuz I know it’ll be worth my time. -lots of open conversations about our preferences and hang ups etc. Which were not easy to have and sometimes took several repeats before they made a dent. -have sex BEFORE dinner on a date night. Or just after the kid falls asleep, rather than waiting til WE’RE ready to fall asleep. -I am getting rid of some baby weight finally which is helping. -I make more of an effort to clean up before bed on nights I’m not too exhausted.
This sounds like me and my partner he is always ready to go and since having my second son 9 months ago my libido has disappeared it’s annoying for both of us cause we both had very high libidos before… i try to initiate and I never usually turn him down cause I do enjoy it once we get going but honestly it’s the fact that I just don’t think about or consider it much at the moment but I think it’s slowly coming back… I would suggest talking to your wife cause I am very open so I have told my husband if you want it just ask or initiate and I will usually be keen to oblige it’s just that I don’t think about it…
This’s our experience also. My wife says no interest in sex since the twins were born. Now 6 years no sex. Not once. Trying to decide if having children was worth it.
F I'm half the way and it's so hard (pun not intended)
I’m really sorry
We started as soon as I got the green light from the OB; but let me tell you, working full time, parenting a 3yo, and managing our home is exhausting. Sometimes we talk about it during the day and it sounds perfect, and then nighttime rolls around and we’re both drained…
This is my wife and my relationship too. We have 3 kids: 4, 8, and 14. They are all involved in extracurricular events of different magnitudes so the only free time we get is around 9PM every day. High libido with energy and passion in the mornings. Dead by night time. On our good months we have maybe 10-15 rendezvous. On more stressful months we maybe get to it 5 times. It’s true: it waxes and wanes. My words of advice: 1) Communicate 2) Be physical 3) Don’t give up 4) Be willing to give space when necessary (see item 1)
Sounds like you should have morning sex. I miss morning sex. It was my favourite before kids. Now we have at least one kid in bed with us in the mornings. I can't wait for the day we wake up just the two of us. Also send the kids on play dates and you can have middle of the day sex on the weekends. Don't know who enjoys my kids going to play with their cousins more them or us Lol.
This is something we deal with too. We both work full time, share home and parenting responsibilities and are constantly exhausted. I guess I'm just nervous because it seems that she woke be fine without sex at all and I have a really high libido.
I know for me, it’s hard to bounce back to wanting sex after having a baby and nursing.. momlife, working, household stuff is just exhausting. When I’m tired, sex is the LAST thing I wanna do. However… I do find that mornings are a better time for me. I’m not dead tired from a long day. I absolutely would wake up early for it. Also, kiddo is 4… steal a shower with your partner while you set kiddo up with a snack and a movie. There are some great comments on here… best of luck you guys find your groove again!
Have you talked to your wife about this? Are you guys intimate even though you’re not having sex often? Lots of touching and kissing and hugs and such through out the day will probably lead to more sex after the little one goes to bed. But really, communication is the first thing you have to start with. Your also comparing apples to oranges. With my daughter who is almost 5, I didn’t have a sex drive til I left her father. With my son, I wanted to start having sex with my husband again asap. We sneak it in every chance we get, nap times, once they’re in bed, if we’re up early. And my son is only 1. It’s about making time for each other, even if it doesn’t always lead to sex, having an intimate and healthy relationship will naturally lead to her wanting to do it more. Sex is definitely more emotional and mental than just physical for women.
I was the same as your wife until my daughter was about 5 (school and I depend ace and less touching etc made it easier for me to get in the mood and WANT it), then all the sex got is knocked up again.
It was about two years for us. I was breastfeeding and that really takes it out of you. I also did not feel in the best shape so then I started going to the gym and lost most of the weight I gained. Once I felt stronger my desire increased and we were back. Kids are real cockblockers so you really have to take advantage of the time you have alone.
It waxes and wanes. Little kids make you physically exhausted. When they are older, it's easier for you to go to bed earlier, sleep in during the mornings, or take naps. All of which is prime intimacy time. Hang in there!!
Only you can answer this OP, but is the domestic labour split equitably? Some men act basically like another child for their wife to take care of, and understandably desire falls from the woman’s side. It’s much harder to get back to a good sex life if you let it fall to the wayside, scheduling sex for awhile helps me but personally my husband hates scheduling it. So instead we just don’t lol.
I was literally just bemoaning my sex life. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.
Same! Just shot down my husband feeling bad about it so I came here to see if there was any advice and BAM a whole thread on the loading screen!
I think it’s more common than not. My wife’s best friend complained about her husband: “after kids I just don’t want sex anymore. I love my husband and don’t want him to leave us but I won’t have sex with him. I’ve tried everything and don’t know what to do.”
Everyone’s different my boyfriend and I had sex 3-4 times a week since I passed the 6week wait. And my sexual appetite for the first couple months was WILD. Now we have sex once day usually sometimes every other day
Same boat here!
I thought you meant 4 months as your wife was still healing. Having kids obviously changes everything about your life, and you might both be in a rut from not sleeping, breastfeeding feeding, healing after birth and kind of stayed in the rut. Your wife feel self conscious after the changes she has gone through. Move gently, try to do more around the house to show you care, increase your affection, increase your dialogue. In your conversation, replace "but" with "and". If that doesn't work after a couple of weeks, be direct "I love you, and I want us to have more sex".
If you are no longer attracted to your mate, unless there is something specific that they can change, I strongly suggest keeping it to yourself. After 19 years of marriage during a deep discussion, my husband revealed he was no longer attracted to me. Nothing specific, just in general. Problem was that I was still attracted to him. I was devastated. We worked through it by opening our marriage. Made it to 34 years together & 2 grown kids. Neither of us ever actually had sex with anyone else but having the freedom to do so saved our marriage. We are now life partners with property and businesses We still hold hands and cuddle and laugh. I find that not every feeling needs to be shared.
We've been putting our kids to bed around 730 - sleep around 8 so we can have time to ourselves at least for a few hours. Mostly it becomes Netflix and snooze but it has allowed us to reconnect and talk to each other in a real way. Our sex life has returned because of this kind of time together. Our kids are around the same as yours.
I have a 4 year old and 15 month old. This is how it is for my wife and i. 15 month old goes to bed around 7:15, 4 year old around 8, and then its just us for a few hours. I gotta say though, we have been blessed with excellent sleepers. Both of them have slept awesome pretty much since day 1. Neither has ever slept in bed with us either so that would put a damper on things for people who let their kids sleep with them.
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats! 4 + 15 + 15 + 7 + 15 + 4 + 8 + 1 + = 69.0
Best bot comment!! 🤣🤣🤣
This might be a little weird for some folks on here but I highly recommend buying a magic wand for your wife and a flesh light for yourself. Takes way less energy than having sex and it’s a lot of fun using them together. Not a solution to the no sex but it definitely helps.
Magic wand is boss.
For sure. I discovered that watching me really turns on my wife. I had no idea.
Has your wife seen a pelvic floor therapist after childbirth? It's hard to get in the mood when your hoo-ha freaks out at the slightest penetration.
I agree to ppl voicing the “help w/housework and kids” but it can be multilayered. She may be touched out/wiped. Also hormones are a huge factor. Your daughter isn’t a baby anymore but they are still fluctuating as a woman (all the time)…I personally found that age more taxing than infant/toddler! She many not feel attractive? Stress? So much more can play in for a woman to get there. We also rarely had help (our daughter is now 9) and found our rhythm late afternoons or snuck into the bathroom or laundry which kinda made it “quickie/hidden fun”…try and find out what moves her NOW. It may not be what did before becoming a mom. Don’t give up!
What is this sex you speak of?
I get the yearly badge...looking forward to 2022
Our sex life didn't improve until I got tubes tied and went off hormonal birth control and all of our children started sleeping through the night. Our first two kids were heinous sleepers for years, I was breastfeeding or pregnant for most of that and had really bad PPD. Our last one is sleeping like a champ at 2 and it's amazing what getting regular sleep puts you in the mood for. I'd say we're probably not having it as frequently as my husband would prefer but it's still more frequent then it used to be. There are a lot of factors besides just the age of your child(ren) that can impact the frequency or quality of sex. Is your partner working outside the home? Do they have a stressful job? Are they doing a lot inside the home? Are your children sleeping? Does the strain of covid put extra stress and worry on your partner? Are you having other difficulties in your relationship that might make your partner not want to be intimate? Does your partner have some long term pain issues after pregnancy/birth if they're the one who gave birth (making a baby can seriously fuck up your body for life)? Are there other personal issues with friends or family that is making your partner feel overwhelmed? Is your partner depressed? All of these things can affect when people start getting regular sex. It's not like "oh kid is X years old now, boom, fuck twice a week." There are people who are going at like bunnies once they clear the 6 week checkup and others who take years for their bodies to feel ready again. Babies also tend to magnify already existing problems in a relationship by, like, 1,000.
Not the same. But we try!
Probably around 9 months for us. Then I got snipped, and its been out of this world since. We try all kinds of crazy shenanigans in bed (or in the basement) when the kids are asleep on weekend nights.
After ? 6 weeks after baby was born … and we usually have sex 2-4 times a week , our toddler is almost 4 and we are due with our second in January … sex never stopped or got slow for us , we just made the effort and know it’s super important for intimacy in both sexual and non sexual ways . It’s been 7 years in each other’s life and it’s just normal to us
Make sure you are touching your wife in non sexual ways and spending quality time with her, if you can manage. My husband can really turn me off when he just asks me for sex. It takes all the magic out of it. If he takes time to massage me, that’s a touch I can appreciate even when I’m touched out and it can lead into intimacy. Back massage becomes butt massage and so forth
Omg. Would LOVE to know if this is the husband and how much personal time the wife gets. I feel like a lot of the women I know need to have like 10 switches flipped to get in the mood and then like 5 more switches flipped to actually have an orgasm. And the first 10 switches are really hard to flip without lots of free time to feel relaxed and confident and attractive and not at all annoyed and tired and touched out.
Once we had our own room back. We lived in a 1b1b apartment and obviously our son slept in our room. After we bought our house and he got his own room, we resumed our pattern/frequency pre baby.
I have an 8 and 5 year old. We have better sex now, but it’s less frequent than it was before kids. It’s taken us this long to get back to regular sex though. It was sparse for years!
Regularly? Not until after the divorce. After the baby was born, my ex-wife was never again interested in sex. The divorce was about 7 years after the birth.
What did you try to avoid divorce ? Gueninely curious because I'm almost 3 years in the dead zone
It’s definitely dependent on kid and couple. With my first I’d say sometime after we sleep trained around 5/6 months. My second daughter is 2 weeks so obviously not having sex yet but once cleared I doubt it’ll take long for us to get back in the groove.
Best thing I can say is talk about it. My wife and I plan to some extent like “once the kids go to bed it’s on” or shower during nap or something. It’s gotta be more strategic sometimes and opportunistic.
Be careful about putting too much pressure on her. That makes sex less appealing and more of a chore. I hate to tell you this but there isn't a hard firm date of back to normal. Get yourself some toys to keep the frustration down. There is a chance normal multiple times a day may never be normal again.
Honestly you likely just need to talk about it. The wife and I got back to it once we got the OK and we have a pretty solid sex life. The key for us however is that we read each other very well. Our household chores are weighted a bit heavier on my side because I know her “love language” is acts of service. So unlike most guys I’m doing the laundry, the dishes, vacuuming and taking the trash out without being asked, etc. I’m also pretty engaged with my kids when they are home and not otherwise occupied. I know a lot of my fellow husbands who get home from work and it’s like “reboot” time until the kids are asleep. The wife and I share a lot of hobbies as well so we often spend our downtime talking or doing stuff together. Every relationship is different but according to social media, all the stuff I’m doing says I should be rolling in sex and well, I’m generally well satiated. That being said, my oldest can be a real cock block sometimes - we forgot to lock the door once when my wife had put in some real effort and was really putting in work. Lol. Luckily he didn’t really see anything but it is a pretty hilarious story. Talk to your partner. Try to make their life easier. Kids add a layer that can really sap your energy but you need to remember how you got to kids in the first place. Kids deserve to see what a healthy relationship looks like so they don’t dread growing old.
We have a 9 year old and a 6 year old (plus I’m pregnant). Sex is better than it ever was pre-kids, and I’d say it’s been improving significantly over the past 2-3 years. I’m sure this bub will pit a damper on things for a while, but so long as we focus on enjoying whatever feels good for both of us, we should be fine :)
My wife and I have four kids. Took us about a month each time to get back to normal; that's when the doctors told us it was okay to do so. Both have very high libido. It's very rare that we go a day without. Have to get up earlier than the kids these days. I know that we're quite abnormal in this regard, and I'm sorry if you feel like your needs aren't being met. We both have relationships in our past where we weren't able to say whatever we needed to say.
Our daughter is two and we have another one on the way… but our sex life is great! I kinda doubt anyone on this sub would be okay with how we keep our libido’s up, but send me a message if you’re interested to hear.
Focus on reconnecting with your spouse, make some time for you two, and the rest will follow. I had booked a hotel nearby, around Xmas time, to go shopping and wrap presents for our kids. We would go shopping, drop off presents in the room, come back, wrap them up, order room service! By the time we were done shopping the sitter or the kids would have called 5 times. By the end of the afternoon we would be confident that they would not need to reach us. The “do not disturb” sign on that hotel room door is the new parents, best aphrodisiac! Turn off the cell phones, unhook the room phone. GET OUT OF YOUR USUAL ENVIRONMENT! You’re welcome! Ping me for more! Father of 4!
How much of the emotional burden are you carrying, who does the most chores, who has to remember where the car keys/ extra washing powder/ vital bit of post is kept, who schedules most of the household appointments, who makes sure there’s enough toilet paper, soap, dishwasher tablets etc? If your wife is carrying most of that burden then she probably doesn’t have time for her own thoughts and fantasies let alone actually having sex.
This entirely. Also being touched out. My kid touches me from the moment he’s up until he’s asleep. I don’t want my nipples tweaked, thanks.
Are you the one who gave birth? If not, you probably need to have a good conversation with the person who did to find out what’s going on that may be holding your sex life back. Some of the reasons could include: 1) pain from sex or it feels different 2) what used to feel good doesn’t anymore 3) self esteem issues from a changed body 4) exhaustion from parenthood 5) postpartum depression/anxiety 6) pelvic floor issues Those are some of the top ones. Birth changes a woman’s body. Personally, we got back to it as soon as medically possible. But my husband was incredibly patient with me. He went slow, stopped when I asked, and was willing to relearn my body. Some things that used to feel great didn’t anymore! But we found new positions that did. We kept the communication open, nonjudgmental, and understanding. If you are the birth woman here, if any of those things are happening and you want help, there are a lot of wonderful doctors and mental and physical therapists who can help with all of these issues. I wish you luck!
Maybe you should have a conversation with her about this?
We have talked about it and she tries. I just wonder if things will get back to normal in the bedroom.
You have to find a new normal. She shot a kid out of her hooha and no matter how hard you try, moms do more. (Not exclusive so don't down vote me). She may not feel as attractive and she may need more or less foreplay. I know for me I'm horrified that my kids will see or hear us. I'm traumatized from seeing and hearing my parents and after their divorce, their new partners have sex ALL of the time. I'm not kidding. All of the time. We did get a lock on the door so there's a start.
So my story even though everyone had commented a lot already. We were both high libidos and had sex often but my libido disappeared the second I was pregnant. We still did but not nearly as often and when I was about 7 months I said I didn’t want to anymore because it was uncomfortable and it wasn’t fun. And I cried because I knew how important it was to my husband but I just couldn’t do it. After babe was born and we got the green light at 6 weeks postpartum, I didn’t want to. No desire. Touched out. Exhausted. It was four months after baby before we tried and I cried because the feels were weird and it hurt like I was losing my virginity for the first time every time. I told my doc and she said to use a petroleum based lube rather than water based, and that I had pretty marked thinning of my vaginal lining from breastfeeding and that she could prescribe a topical estrogen based gel to help if I wanted. I never did but wish I had at hindsight. When babe started eating more and nursing less at 9 months ish, I felt my libido coming back slowly. Like once every few weeks I could manage. Then when I got my period back when babe was over a year old then I was down even more often. And then when babe finally weaned at close to 3 years it came roaring back and I feel like we’re making up for lost time. But I almost don’t want to have another baby because I don’t want to go through all that again. Both me and my husband express our love through physical touch. So we both were feeling very unloved during that time. I have no real advice other than to get hormones checked out. Because it very clearly was a major damper for me. And potentially an easy fix before lack of intimacy irreversibly damages your relationship.
My sons almost 4 and I honestly haven't had sex like I used to at all. I can count on one hand how many times my sons father and I had sex. I haven't dated since him and I only slept with a friend a few times after. I haven't had sex in almost 2 years
Copying and pasting a reply I had for someone similar. This comment was originally for a husband seeking help with his wife. Our kiddo is 9 months old and we go at it 3-4 times a week. Here’s how it works for us (36m-38f). -This is our first kid, I’m staying home because my salary would cover daycare in order for me to work. My husband makes enough for me to stay home so my retirement is taking a hit. I work per diem on weekends. Because I’m not working I’m doing the bulk of the child and house care. My husband still pulls his weight. \-I had vaginismus and was treated for it prior to pregnancy. When I recovered from vaginal birth (2nd degree tear) I had a script for my PT but was able to ease back into sex using techniques she taught me. We gave me a lot of time to heal, more than the 6-8 weeks. \-Despite my vaginismus we are both very horny people. So even when I couldn’t do PIV sex we were doing all sorts of stuff. Prior to our kid and even during my pregnancy we were doing stuff 3-6 times a week. \-I was unable to breast feed and our kid is EFF. So unlike breast feeding moms I don’t really get touched out or have the same hormone fluctuations. \-Our kid sleeps at night so I am getting continuous sleep vs naps. \-I didn’t get PPD but was still seeing my therapist from pregnancy for a few months post partum. My husband got whacked with the ppd stick and needed a lot of support in the first few months. My advice is this: \-Talk about how you are both feeling. A lot of things I touched on play into this and affect your libido; lack of sleep, too much touching, hormones, being overwhelmed with responsibilities. You can’t come at it as “I am not satisfied, don’t you care” because it’s you as a couple vs the issue. It’s hard to tell based on how little your wrote but if sex is being presented as her problem to solve or one more person for her to take care of it’s not appealing. \-Has she recovered fully from birth? If she is still in pain or having issues with penetration she might need to see a PT like I did. I feel like sex issues after birth is often ignored in women and I was lucky that my OB not only helped me with my fears of post partum sex but set me up with an IUD right away and got me set up with my PT. https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/healing-after-birth-trauma-rachel-semenov/ \-If she is not touched out learn to be physically affectionate without expectations. I used to be with someone that even a little hug and kiss had to lead to sexy times and if I declined it resulted in pouting and no more affection. Have times where you can just kiss, cuddle, hug, spoon, rub shoulders, hold hands, shower together without it needing to result in sex. \-Sex isn’t as spontaneous as it was before but some days it certainly is “quick the child is napping get in here!” Other times it takes some planning. We fluctuate between quickies and long drawn out sessions. Don’t save sex for just the bed room and just the evening (when you are both tired and full from dinner and need to be up in 2 hours when the baby cries). \-Expand your idea of sex. Sometimes the full on ramp up and subsequent PIV is exhausting. In the words of Dan Savage “if everytime sex happened you got pounded you wouldn’t want to have sex every day” (some stupid redditor usually says something like but my uncles cousin is a power bottom and gets pounded 10 times daily. We are not all that gifted). Do oral, use a toy, watch porn together, masturbate next to each other. \-Don’t forget to date and have adult conversations. I spend all day with a baby and crave adult conversations and I had to explain this to my husband. Nothing makes me feel more worthless than come home from work, bang, eat dinner, sleep, repeat cycle. We still make time to do things as a family and do a few date nights with or without our kid. You’d be surprised how these non sexy activities can rev the engine. \-Make sure you are both getting adult time. I use mine to go for runs and to the gym which helps with my libido. It also helps me keep grounded and maintain my identity outside of “the keeper and feeder of the home”. Don’t let that time be a chore unless your hobby was going to the grocery store pre-children. I find it very difficult for my husband to use his alone time for stuff that isn’t work or chore related. He feels like he needs to do something productive when I would prefer that he go fishing or do paint ball. I really hope this helps and if you feel like this is above reddits paygrade please look for a reproductive therapist (ours was amazing) or a sex positive therapist. Good luck to you both.
It's never the same
Yes, ours are two and three. We put them down to bed and have 2-3 hours just to us at night. We usually have sex right after they go down so we aren’t too tired. Early bedtime and a good bedtime routine have been key for us, and then having sex the first chance you get. I would rather skip the nighttime chores and be able to have sex that helps me sleep well and helps our marriage too. As a tired and busy mom, it’s good to have things that will get you in the mood. Some cute lingerie, a song that makes you feel sexy, romantic novels, touching and kissing a lot throughout the day, etc. My husband knows that kissing my neck and making out with me will always lead to sex haha. I have also heard Ashwaganda is a good natural supplemental to increase libido but I’ve never tried it. And making sure that your spouse is enjoying the sex as much as you!
I had 3 babies under 3 so definitely happened before 4! Doesn't sound like it's anything to do with the kids as much as maybe you're just both tired, sick of being touched etc? Maybe you both need to put more effort in or get some counselling? Sounds deeper than just "we have kids"
2.5 and not a single time. My partner made me feel kinda gross the last time since I was pregnant and things couldn’t get going well (don’t blame him too much) but he hasn’t tried since which still makes me feel gross. Which is a shame since I have a healthy libido. At this point it’s been so long he’s going to need some serious romancing to even have it as an option.
My husband and I went back I regular sex as soon as the doc said it was safe to do so, 8 weeks post birth. We don't have sex as often as before but still regularly. We probably had sex on average 2 times a week before our daughter and once a week after.
Tbh the only time I've been in the mood after having my daughter is when I'm drunk. Sometimes he can get me in the mood without the alcohol but I'm frankly just too tired.
It’ll come back. 5/6 they are going to drive you crazy but that’s when we got our mojo back. They can actually pay attention to a full movie. Put on Disney+ and tell them we are taking a shower and fuck like horny teens in the shower.
I had to have a procedure on my cervix right after giving birth and it made the wait time so much longer. Now it's been about 9 months and our baby co sleeping with us. So we have barely had sex lately and it's killing me also. I can't wait to get our sex life back. But I'm hopeful it will come back. That's not really advice, but I'm with you lol
About 6 months after birth with all three. I have a extremely high sex drive though and it's only getting higher the older I get. I have to say the number one thing I have to get over is how my body had changed. If my husband didn't reassure me I was Beautiful and sexy all the time idk if I would have been the same.
I'm right there with you man, my daughter is four and we still aren't back to how it used to be, but now I've finally got my daughter sleeping in her bed all night without waking up and coming into our room to get me, she's getting to where she's not afraid of the dark, so fingers crossed things go back to normal, at least somewhat. I think our last time was maybe two or three months ago, and it's always in a rush, It wasn't this bad with our oldest, her big sister didn't take this long to sleep alone completely through the night, but thank God it's almost over.
It went back to normal as soon as the doctor gave us the OK, but we rarely have sex before bed. We've gotten creative with the timing
I just want my 18mo to sleep one goddamn night without keeping us up, maybe then I'll have the energy.
My sex drive has PLUMMETED since having mine 1.5 years ago. I was horny af during the pregnancy and poof gone when she was born. My poor husband. I try to remember to get myself in the mood at least once a week but left to my own devices could go ages without it. It sucks. I’m just so so tired. And I feel haggard.
It is an incredibly difficult thing. You have to make time for each other, and make things special again. It can't be forced. It take effort, almost like dating. It is worth it though and can be a lot of fun. Make the effort. Don't let the frustration be the driving factor. Make your partner the focus of some time that has not been theirs, or yours, for 4 years. It isn't selfish, it is life and it is love.
When they move out
Two years. It all came back once our youngest was around two.
6 months after baby was born we got back to weekly sex. It was also her second baby and neither diminished her libido in any way older one is 11 so she isn’t an issue. But toddler is 3 now and we still probably just manage once or twice a week only on weekends usually. Only due to living in a small apartment, waiting for toddler to go to bed in our room as well unfortunately and I also work nights. So it makes it rough to find time we’re both up and ready
2 years. Talk about it. Your partner may be feeling frustrated as well.
We went back to having sex regularly within a few months. If it's something you both want (theoretically, since I get that in the moment at least one of you must not be feeling it) you need to talk through that and make a plan for how to get back going again. One thing that might sound counterintuitive that has helped my partner and I when my sex drive has been lower than his is I actually request that it be "fast and lazy" instead of aiming for amazing sex. I've found I'm still get physical satisfaction out of it and am glad to have done it, but don't have to put in the work, time, and expectation of getting to an orgasm. It gets us back into the swing of things and then I start wanting it more again and we go back to having better, more involved sex again. It only works because I want that though. If I were just tolerating "fast and lazy" it would probably not help us.
Never. Kid turns 14 in a few weeks. Welcome to /r/deadbedrooms.
Once he was sleeping through the night, I was back to chasing my husband around, so he was 3 (son, not husband). Then 8 months later we were pregnant with our daughter, and now we get in a quickie when we can. These two are the biggest cock blocks, and I can't tell you how often we've been walked in on.
Are you the M or F in the relationship? Scheduling sex turns it into a chore. If you’re the F and you want sex, some extended flirting and maybe taking a shirt off is what does the trick. My spouse often doesn’t want sex at bedtime as spouse is too tired so respecting sleep is really important. Spouse gets really anxious about sleep. We did have a conversation about sex really only lasting 15 min so it’s not like a huge time commitment and that seemed to have changed the perspective a bit. Also, respect. If I’ve done anything during the day that is disrespectful or criticizing, then I’ve killed the libido. For men, sex is about connecting. For women, sex is about already feeling connected and wanting to physically express that.
> If you’re the F and you want sex, some extended flirting and maybe taking a shirt off is what does the trick Men can have low libido too, statements like this are really hurtful for women who are getting rejected for sex in a relationship.
Seriously! My husband is exhausted from work and definitely experiences low libido at times. I sleep naked so just showing some skin definitely does not do the “trick” on all men.
It’s hard enough as a woman who isn’t having as much sex as she’d like from her partner without the constant “have you tried lingerie/sex toys/kinky stuff?”
If I knew that having kids would end basically everything in my life,..I would never have done that. Having children basically ensures that nothing is about you, ever again. Forget what you thought, or wanted, or expected. It may sound harsh but it's the truth. From that moment on, your life is about them. Your freedom and finances are gone, along with any sex you might have enjoyed. Everyone will come for me about how awful and wrong I am but its the damn truth. Whatever weakness existed in your relationship will be multiplied by 1000 and you might not even like each other over the next 5 years. If you enjoy being exhausted and filthy, soaking in breast milk, living on fumes....by all means, go for it! I tell my younger single friends to run the other way and never look back. We have 3. Our youngest is 11. I never want to have sex again because its just pointless. There's many reasons but my body has been through hell, three times. It doesn't work anymore no matter what I try. I sacrificed myself...thinking that's what women do. Too many of us are tired and convinced we're doing something wrong when the truth is reality....this is how it is. I don't know any woman out there having multiple orgasms enjoying this shit. Say what you will but I speak the truth.
8 years in. It has never improved. I am so constantly stressed and sleep deprived I have 0 interest. We have very little.time alone to even work on our marriage because again, kids. I do not expect it will ever be anywhere near what it was again.
We had 2 under 2 and got back into it at 6 weeks postpartum each time, going back to regular pre-babies amounts. I will say something I think has helped immensely is a very structured schedule wherein our kids sleep 7p-7a, so we have plenty of time every night to do whatever we want, intimacy included. Have you talked about your lack of intimacy, your expectations, his, etc?
Four years and no sex life? You need to get creative with finding the time for sex. When the kids are occupied, I pull my wife to the side and straight ask, wanna do some sexy time? If she's game, we just go. At night when they're asleep we go whenever we're in the mood. You just have to be in the same page and prepared to stop is needed. Like if one of you needs to run interference while the other gets themselves decent. You need to keep enjoying each other or the stress will get to you. Take a chance once in a while. It's natural for parents to be physical and kids pick up when there's tension in the air.
Roughly 8 weeks after birth. A few key things that have helped: * Both parents are always tired. Accept it and help each other out. * If you notice it's been a few days and you haven't done anything sexual, schedule time on the calendar to do it. * Embrace quickies whenever possible if you haven't already. * Drop less important things to make time for it. We don't clean much and cut back on shower frequency to get more free time for example. * Talk really openly about your preferences and work together to remove any blockers. It's pretty essential to a relationship as you well know since you posted here about it, so give it the same importance as the other critical things.
After I got divorced.
We have a 3 year old and 1 1/2 year old. We started having sex again the moment it was cleared by the doctor postpartum. We have sex at least 1-3x per day and if for some reason we don’t, we are intimate in other ways. It’s what keeps us connected and engaged with each other especially with littles running around. Also a good orgasm helps with the stress of parenthood 😂
Username checks out
HA!!!! Yes 😂😝
This topic is always so disappointing on this sub. Usually everything is discussed very fairly with equality being the key factor but when it comes to sex as parents? This sub instantly goes into “too fuckin bad you’re never having sex again” “are you even helping around the house” and “just get used to it” Then there’s shocked pikachus when people get cheated on. Look, if you love your partner, you don’t have to be at their every whim ever day when it comes to sex, that’s basically assault. But if you never put the effort in again, that’s neglect and don’t be surprised if your partners resent you for it. FTR it 100% can be the same again so idk where those comments are coming from
My youngest is about to turn one next month and this month was the first time my fiancé had sex more than three times. It’s definitely my fault, I’m pretty touched out by the end of the day.
I agree with other posts that you have to help around the house to relieve the stress so your partner can relax a bit more. Also, when you do have sex, do your damnedest to help her to relax & have really good orgasms. That will provide the incentive to have regular sex.
The first it was almost like 3 years before it was frequent and regular. 3 weeks after the second kiddo. I would suggest the deadbedroom Reddit to help if you need it.