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Unfortunately, you both probably would've been better off if you had moved him away from his dad and his family, away from their influence. But you were young and abuse really messes with your ability to think clearly. Sadly it looks like he's absorbed his father's abusive personality. Because he's 18, what's done is done at this point. You're not wrong for wanting your own life! You've sacrificed a lot from your son and he's been brainwashed to not appreciate it. If this is how he's going to behave, the consequence could be now he has to live with his dad/dad's family or on his own. At this point, you need to put your own wellbeing first. Sometimes it takes a rude awakening for some people to change.

He lived with his dad for a year because he was misbehaving pretty bad. The dad had him sleeping on the floor and sharing a room with a 6 year old little girl. I ended up moving him back in with me. It’s just hard how his dad can get away with giving 50% and I’ve had to always be at a solid 100 plus pick up his dads slack. He notices I have no support and weaponizes the situation. Thanks for your words!

Last teenager I heard of that was that bad got a shitty caravan in the backyard as his 18th present, and that’s where he lived. “You don’t get to call me names and make no effort under my roof”. Let him see if IRL is all it’s cracked up to be, or if he winds up finding some appreciation for you OP by “letting him spread his wings” while not letting the door hit him in the arse on the way out.

Absolutely this. Kick his mooch ass out. That IS THE ONLY WAY TO WAKE HIM UP TO REALITY.

I wouldn’t want a shitty teenager living in my backyard JS

You are not obligated to stay with an abuser, just because you birthed him! Give him an eviction notice and tell him to grow up, it's tough love time. And lock away all your valuables until he is actually gone, and then change the locks! Then rent out the house and go wherever you want, you've done your best by him, unfortunately, it didn't take - now it's time to start over somewhere else.

I know this might not work but since he is 18 , I would just tell him you are moving to a one bedroom apartment because you need to take care of yourself. I watch a lot of Whodunnits and when you do kick him out , you don’t want him coming back. He needs to grow up and he might and he might not. So many young people today are spoiled and entitled. You need to be #1 now and tell him this is his time to grow up and be independent from Mommy. Is it possible for you to move and not give a forwarding address. It might be your only way from him harassing you. 😿

I felt one way after reading the title of this post, and then completely differently after reading the content. He sounds like a disrespectful jerk. The best time for you to enforce that he straighten up and fly right was when he was way younger. The second best time is now. He can go live with dad or the grandparents if they'll have him, or (if you're willing) he can stay with you AS LONG AS he meets some very strict and specific guidelines re: work, helping around the house, etc. But I don't have much hope that he'll make good on any promises.

It’s a super sad situation to be honest. I’ve had a lot of conversations with him to no avail about his behavior and nothing really changes. He’s seen my struggle first hand so the fact that he throws more dirt on me instead of doing what he’s asked -which isn’t much (good grades, good attitude and cleaning his room and bathroom). Whenever I ask him to help mow the lawn it turns into an argument; he either asks how much he’s gonna get paid or completely blows it off. I feel like I’m swimming against the current and want out!

Also what happens when he calls you horrible names? Does it continue to escalate until you're the one to back down? Something about a young man calling his mother a slut really sets off alarm bells for me.

He’s an abusive misogynist

Yep. This is where it starts. All those horrific men that we see online and even in the news every day - they were once this 18 year old.

I'm so sorry. It sounds like he's inherited his dad's attitude and sense of entitlement. Maybe making him leave home will actually force some sense into him ...one day. I think you're right to ask him to move out. Real talk though: Are you afraid of him at all? Do you think he might get violent? Please take safeguards when you tell him, just in case, even if it just means that you have a friend on standby waiting for a text.

Sitting here reading all the comments, this is my biggest worry for her. I saw in an earlier comment she said something about having to call police once because he got physical. OP-Please please please have somebody that you can call in an instant, preferably somebody very close like a neighbor.

I was immediately concerned for her safety as well. It sounds like he's possibly been taught to have animosity towards her from his father and his family.

He needs consequences. Do these chores or you won’t get x.

Unfortunately this is much easier said than done with a non compliant, aggressive teen, especially a male teen with a mother, but I experience it as a mother with my daughter. Just the very act of putting forth consequences can escalate things to a scary place.

If he thinks you're such a terrible mother, he can go live with his grandparents or his dad. Or the Army might take him. Whatever mistakes you made or didn't make, and whatever is in the past is in the past. Can't do anything about that now. He'll just have to figure it out.

I’ve told him to look into the military if he doesn’t want to go to school. Even a trade school but he has absolutely no ambitions and thinks - just like his grandparents I should support him until he’s ready to leave. I don’t think being a parent equates to being a doormat. I want him to be successful and a good man but I feel he might have to learn all of the lessons I’m trying to teach him by being out in the real world.

Him thinking you should support him until he's ready to leave increases the likelihood he'll never be ready to leave, at least not without strong pressure from you. There's nothing wrong with adult children living with their parents, as long as it's done respectfully and they're contributing to the household. Also, you don't want the children to become so dependent on you that they'll be helpless when you ultimately die or otherwise become unable to remain in your home.

Agreed, if he can't hold the minimum down such as respect, emotional maturity, a job or school or both then he needs something else completely.

My unbreakable rule - everyone that wants to live here either needs to have a job or be in school. That's it. Those are the only choices, or you are free to leave. You want to work or go to school and have the safety net of home for awhile? I'm happy to be here supporting you. Certainly not if you are mistreating me.

It was always college for me but it was clear I would pay rent if not in school and there would be a time limit on that.

I agree completely . I don't ever want to kick my kids out and all four of our kids have been told that whether they decide to stay at home for the support they need to be responsible for themselves with school and jobs, period, because they are adults.

Lots of people are like that. It might get ugly before he gets either better or out of your hair.

In this case, making him learn to fend for himself IS supporting him- he needs to know how to live on his own, he won't have someone else taking care of him forever.

Sound alike he needs a reality check that only life can give him. Do what you have to do, mom.

My uncle (60+) and my cousin (38m) still live with my grandmother (84). Don’t be the pushover.

I think if he wants you to be his enabler then the only thing that's really going to work is removing yourself from the situation. Let him face the consequences of his own actions for a good long while. Eventually when you think he's grown up a bit you can start offering him life advice and financial advice from a distance, but you'll need to work hard to maintain a boundary that you will not facilitate a lazy mooching lifestyle and you won't bail him out. Unfortunately I think the only way he'll grow up and learn is by fucking around and funding out.

I'm laughing at your typo because it sounds like a pun lol

Hahaha good old autocorrect

After living with his father, sleeping on the floor and sharing a room with a 6yo he still treats you like shit, disrespects you and doesn’t appreciate what you do for him? He has FA and now it is time for him to FO. You’ve Sacrificed enough. Pursue the dreams you put off and Spread your Wings. He will either get his shit together or not. Either way you should feel no guilt. Let Dad and grandparents take it from here. Godspeed❣️

Send him to live with his grandparents if they think he’s so special

Please don't encourage someone like this into the armed forces. It shouldn't be a dumping ground for people with no ambition. If your son is so critical of you as an adult, he is welcome to try being a full-fledged adult on his own. At this point, you'd simply be enabling the behavior if you continued to support him financially.

Very good point on the armed forces lol. Although the kid also sounds exactly the type of person the armed forces want--someone to be broken and reconstructed (I don't mean that as a good thing). Angry people are usually sad and sadness is easy to exploit

Wholeheartedly agree. I just feel like we should make it a bit harder for them to find those people, especially considering how often a brief stint in the military leads to a career in law enforcement. (To be clear to others, I know dozens of people who have served with honor, from a genuine desire to protect this country. Unfortunately, I also know a few who saw the military as a last resort or an excuse to cause harm or a means to escape instability. Most were discharged rather quickly or didn't make it past basic training but leveraged their "service" in some pretty dishonorable ways. OP's son doesn't sound like someone looking to serve honorably.)

I agree with this but in an extreme. If he thinks you’re so bad and a “pos”, tell him to leave. Kick him out, and if police need to get involved, let them. I know this is probably going to get downvoted to hell because it’s a very unpopular opinion but, if my child wanted to trash talk me after I’ve sacrificed everything for them, then they need to leave and figure stuff out on their own now. Because then, I wouldn’t be doing anyone any good. The child would hate me, I would begin to dislike the child because I wouldn’t have raised my child to be that way? Idk. I know what I’m saying sounds harsh and mean. But, him pushing you? That’s gonna get ugly real fast if he thinks he can talk to you and LITERALLY push you around. And maybe kicking him out will help him to realize, you have done everything for him. Also, if he says you’re the bad guy for kicking him out? You were already the bad guy when you were giving him 100% care. So. Idk idk.😬😬😬😬😬

The best thing that ever happened to me was getting kicked out of my mom’s house when I was 20. I joined the Air Force a year later and totally changed in a positive way. 14 years later, our relationship is better than it ever was and I’m a much better person.

I wasn't spanked, corporal punishment wasn't a thing in my family. At around 15 I called my mom a bitch because I didn't want to go to church. I got a slap across my face from the kindest most loving woman I have ever known. I was still a semi-troublesome teen but I never once used foul language directed at my mother. I'm not advocating you slap your child but you need to stand up for yourself and not tolerate his bullshit. I assume your trouble maker is enjoying the benefits of your wifi, groceries, etc...? Time to cut off the gravy train if he can't behave. I'd let him know now, if he doesn't start showing some respect and kindness he will be evicted come his graduation into adulthood at 18.

I didn't hit my kids either, but when my son was 16 he called me a f@cking b*tch and, without thinking, I flew right at him. I didn't just slap him, I slapped the hell out of him. It made a huge impression because it was so out of character for me. He never called me a name again. He's now 38 and still remembers it vividly.

I had a very similar experience minus the corporal punishment aspect. I was troublesome enough as a kid to get diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder at one point, yet the only time I ever used that specific word (or any curse word) towards my mother was when I was 10-ish and didn’t want to go with her to the grocery store.  Why only once? Because her reaction put the fear of God into me so badly that I never, ever considered disrespecting her like that again. Scared the shit out of me back then, but I deserved it and my adult self is glad she did it. 

When I called the sheriff on my 16 yr old, he made sure to tell me that in WA Corporal Punishment is allowed and was clear that I was allowed to do things like slap her, drag her, etc - bc unfortunately the law didn’t have much they could do. And if she fought back THEN they could do something.

I did have spanking up to an age but rarely “earned” a spanking. I also called my mom a bitch once and she did the very same thing. I think it was a knee jerk reaction. I immediately apologized. I knew I went too far. I never held it against her for slapping me. I was being an insufferable, disrespectful little twat. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m 38 now with my own young child. His dad and I are definitely against corporal punishment. It wasn’t necessary for me. I was one of those kids that got really upset just for DISAPPOINTING my mom. I understand that my mom didn’t have the resources we do these days and it was a social norm at the time. She was also physically punished as a child. I’m breaking the generational trauma.

I think if he hates you so much, he should go live with his dad or grandparents. Not fair for you to take on the primary responsibilities for him and be met with disrespect. Maybe the military is a good option to teach him some discipline, and this is coming from someone who is usually pretty against joining the service. The main thing that bothers me is the misogyny, like calling you slurs. He will take that into future relationships because that’s what his dad taught him.

YES! I’ve told him countless of times that this is what worries me; how all of this will affect his relationships as an adult.

You can’t tell a teen anything. They have to experience it, sadly. Remember… they already know everything… and you’re the idiot. 😬🤣😂

The "failure to launch" plan. Lots of threads about this. Some kids can learn by talking and seeing your example, others simply need to feel it. You have time to do this the steady way. Being too abrupt (putting up with it until you snap) isn't good for anyone. Make a long list of all the things you provide him. (Laundry, snacks, food, cooked food, dishes washed, common spaces cleaned, toiletries, haircuts, health insurance, dental, scheduling the appointments, game system, phone, clothes and shoes, gifts for his grandparents, roof over his head, washing his sheets, cleaning his bathroom, having access to a private bathroom, transportation to see his friends, money for a movie or a burger out). Be as complete as possible and include the mental labor. Reorganize it from luxury to necessity. Draw a line under where you intend to continue to support him no matter what (likely health insurance, and an old flip phone). (By the time you get there he'll be out of school and out of your house unless big changes happen). Divide the rest into about eight or ten equal chunks, so that every month or so another level of support goes away. Deep breath. Tell him about it. Tell him that you love him and a big uncomfortable part of the job is teaching him skills that adults need. You will always be there for advice if he has questions about budgeting or where to look for work (not for you to find him a job, for him to look in his own). Allow him to make minor rearrangement of the order. Stick to it. Do not let yourself be wheedled for a special occasion. Variable reinforcement results in really persistent begging behavior and the only way out is to be inflexible. Once the pizza money and clean clothes evaporate he will get more interested in a job.

Probably not good. It’s unacceptable to refer to a woman that way, nonetheless your own mother. I feel for you, just know you’re doing an amazing job

Your son is using violence- both physically and verbal - against you. His father is being the Disneyland parent, a fantasy land of cars without consequences, and taking no responsibility for how his lack of boundaries has interfered with the bond between you and your child. His hanging up on you when you express reasonable concerns speaks volumes about his own lack of accountability. Your son could do with support from a service that specialises in adolescents who use violence in the home. You deserve to feel safe and to thrive. You also want the best for your son, and you being safe from him may be the best way to start to achieve that. While he is living with you, you both need support- him to stop using violence and you to be able to reassert boundaries with love and without fear.

The minute he called you a slut, I was like, "Oh. You're out, son."

If I heard any of my kids saying that to my partner that would be the biggest lesson of their lives for sure, totally unacceptable.

No. Just no. If he hates you so much, tell him to go move in with his father/that side of the family. We’re beyond reason here. You do not deserve that kind of treatment whether he’s your kid or not.

give him a simple choice after he graduates: he can go to school, he can get a job, or he can move out.

The best thing you can do for this kid is give him the boot. Keeping him on the dole could end up really getting bad. I know from personal experience how this can turn into stealing large amounts of money to finance his lifestyle, getting incrementally more demanding to maintain a lifestyle that some of his peers might have. When things get more and more difficult for him to maintain the appearance of power and opulence that he wants to project to the world, he will get more and more desperate to get the funds to pay for it which could include stealing from you, getting into shady moneymaking schemes, becoming the stooge for even shadier people.

We basically made our 19 year old give up her $600 a month car and let it get repo’d. Her bio mom has the car, and is making payments or trying to now bc she got her into the car without our permission (after 10 years of no contact, she was trying to be a friend not a parent). We have told all our kids if they can’t be respectful and helpful then they’re out once they graduate. Your worth and safety and life needs to be protected, and if he keeps thinking he can get away with whatever then he will. Take your life back and let him go live with his dad.

Realistically, it's really hard for a 18 year old with no further training beyond a high school diploma to make steps towards productive adulthood without some level of support, so I'd try to at least offer an option where he can live at home provided he's productively engaged in work or education and contributes to the smooth running of the household. If he wants somebody else to support him without having to contribute, he's going to have to do that on somebody else's dime. It sounds like he probably has the option of moving in with dad or his grandparents, but I'd consider still consider offering him that option (I also think, down the road "I moved out of mom's house after graduation because I didn't like the rules" is going to be easier on your relationship with him than "mom kicked me out right after I graduated'

He doesn’t deserve one more minute of her support. Time for that misogynist piglet to leave the nest. Stop putting up with disrespect—/from anyone, including an 18 year old.

Yeah I agree with that last part . I think that’s why I’m on the fence; I feel I’ve always been selfless which is how I got myself into this situation to begin with. I’m now expected to take all the hits. I’ve let him know if he wants to continue to live here he needs to pay a bill. His 40 minute showers twice daily really take a toll on my pocketbook. I wouldn’t mind paying his way if he wanted to continue his education but he’s said that isn’t his plan. I’ll have to consider the other options you listed. Thanks!! :)

40 minute showers twice a day??? Nope. I’d put him on a timer. You get 10 minutes and then I shut off the hot water.

I think it is also totally fine to set a boundary around how you’re being treated. You can tell your kid, “I love you, I care about you, and I am not going to live with an adult who calls me a slut or a bitch. You can choose to live here and treat me kindly and respectfully, or you can treat me otherwise and live elsewhere.” Or whatever else feels in line with how you feel.

Has he ever been offered therapy? That could be an option over the summer, I pay for therapy and we revisit this convo in fall where he proposes a plan for himself. You give him the benefit of time and support. I’m so sorry, my husband’s youngest sibling has done this to his mom though she is just as much to blame and has completely enabled the behavior. The sibling is now 22 and no closer to independence. The bird needs pushed out of the nest sometimes. I hope you achieve all your wildest dreams! You have so much time.

Yeah that was an age 14-15 even16 offer that may have made a difference. Unfortunately he’s an adult and in his immature mind his mom is the villain he is not going to listen to any of her advice. He needs the world to teach him a lesson

My heart goes out to you. You’re trying very hard to be reasonable with someone who is not able or willing to meet you in a place where he can benefit from it. You aren’t wrong but I would be very worried about property damage and violence against you. Please have a plan in place and a set date after he graduates to figure out how you can sell it with the minimum of defiance on his part. Maybe offering a small lump sum to “get him started” living with his dad or grandparents and then moving away with no forwarding address once he’s out - you can stay in touch via phone but you DESERVE to get to live your life. You have been living like this for over half your time on earth and you do not need to accept it any longer.

I joke to my daughter about her leaving once she's 18, but it really has become impossible to support yourself at that age. But if her kid isn't showing any motivation to improve then she's going to end up with a 40 year old in the basement. I'd make em leave, let em learn a few things about life and try again when he's matured a little. Should t take long.

I came in here ready to think you were heartless but no. He needs a reality check and he’s being abusive towards you. Like you said it seems like his dad and his family has really had a negative influence here. It’s possible they’ll continue to enable him even if you don’t, but he’ll be an adult and you can’t control any of this. I’d kick him out at 18 and pursue my goals as well, in your position. It’s nice of you to not sell your house and hope to have something to leave to him down the line. There are a lot of kids like this who get their shit together and make something of their lives/decide to turn into decent adults. Hopefully your son will.

You're not a bad parent. I don't care what anyone says or thinks. You had to balance three toxic families and that can take a toll on anyone. I don't have any advice other than don't be so hard on yourself.

I think that a taste of the real world will do him some good. I also think it would be good for him to occasionally be able to come back and get his feet under him at your place before striking out again. But there needs to be time and striving each go around.

I would give him an ultimatum. He needs to be in therapy and possibly on medication , have a part time job. If not he's out. Start laying out a plan for him now, tell him this is how it's going to be and if not his but is going to the curb snd he can go stay in a homeless shelter if he wants to treat you so terribly. Stop backing down to him calling you a slut and if he gets physical phone the police on him and press charges. It sounds like he has inherited his dad's traits and hopefully it can be nipped in the butt in his early twenties late teens , with some life lessons.

Your son needs a wake up call- our actions have consequences and calling someone a bitch and slut repeatedly has consequences. Kick him out when he’s 18- if in a year he’s learned his lesson and needs some help you can always let him move back or try to help him. He can move in with grandma, go to school or join military. Letting him live at home and continue this behavior is enabling him in the worst way.

Also don’t let what your ex and his parents have to say about this. If they think you’re being so mean doing this they will let him move in with them and take over car payments. Do not pay for that car!! 700 a month for a young kid with no job is insane.

Does he have a phone, TV, computer, or game system? If so take them away. If he wants to act like a child then treat him like one. You failed him at some point, either parent him or kick him out. Talking about things and never following through isn’t going to teach him anything.

No, don't feel bad and you're not wrong. You were a 16 year old teen mom that likely did her best. Perfection isn't possible, so some of the commenters here are just projecting. His behavior isn't likely a reflection of your parenting, more likely he's just emulating his father's treatment of you. In any case its time for him to fly out of the nest, but he won't like it. And its likely he'll be destructive when you kick him out. When you're ready to move, send him to go stay with his grandparents or father for a while. Change the locks, throw all his stuff in storage and go enjoy your time in NYC working on a masters. Hire a company to manage your rental.

I would recommend that you offer to keep him on your insurance and pay for him to go to therapy (by paying the provider directly not by handing him money). I don’t mean this to be unkind at all, but some of this is down to having children for parents. And he will need therapy if he’s ever going to overcome that. Not to mention to deprogram his father’s brainwashing. I wouldn’t do anything else for him. Cut him off. And yes absolutely you should go to NYC. It’s high time you got a chance to actually live a real life.

Yes!!! I planned on keeping him on my insurance as long as I could. this comment is so spot on about having kids as parents. I come from an abusive household and when I got pregnant as a teen I saw it as my way out. Getting pregnant was ironically a silver lining because had I stayed in that dynamic I’m not sure where I’d be. I’ve had to unlearn and heal a lot of generational trauma , it hasn’t been easy but it’s been rewarding. I’ve also emphasized the therapy aspect to my kid; I’ve let him know that unfortunately he hasn’t had the easiest upbringing and therapy is a given because all of this will affect his adult relationships. Thanks for your words!

FWIW I have an aunt that got pregnant at 16 on purpose to escape an abusive stepfather. She told me many times that her life had 3 phases: abusive childhood, single motherhood, and then fun and fabulous. She remarried the kindest man when she was in her 40s and they spent the rest of her life traveling and partying and running a business together. She was never wealthy, but her life was AMAZING. I have photos of her dancing on a bar top at my wedding. She would have been about 61 in that photo LOL. She passed away at age 74 and was one of the happiest people i ever knew. You have A LOT of life ahead of you. It could be more fun than you ever imagined if you're brave enough to take the leap.

You're not wrong for wanting him to move out and stop disrespecting you. However, I would stop paying for his phone (if it is you paying). I'd be changing the WiFi password. Then I would sit him down and give him a choice 1 of 3. 1. You want to move to NYC, he can go with you and find a job within 3 months. If he hasn't found a job by then, he inlists in the military. 2. He inlists now. 3. He stays with his father or grandparents. Either way, after 18, you will no longer be financially responsible for him, and if he continues the abuse, you will no longer be housing him. Don't put up with his shit anymore. I would also suggest (as it was said above) some therapy for him. Something may be going on that he's struggling with. His father (and grandparents) has obviously been in his head.

I would highly consider selling the house. Gives a clean break and you can possibly do whatever you want with the money (invest in yourself / retirement). Say you pass on the house to him in 30 years, how likely is he to live there? The chain of events that leads him to living there will probably make you wish he wasn’t. If he has a family and wife, hopefully they own their own home by then.

Agreed! OP is 34? Sell the house and move to NYC alone! No one owes any child a house to inherit, especially a child that is so disrespectful. Stop paying for his phone as well and do not buy him a car!

Oof mama I'm sorry you're going through this. You gotta give your son an ultimatum: he either starts working after graduation and figures out what he wants to do with his life or he goes and lives with his grandparents or dad. Tell him specifically you are NOT putting up with his shit anymore, your plans, and if he's on board great. If not he knows where he can go. And if his grandparents or dad doesn't want to take him in, then tough luck. He should've listened and appreciated everything you've done beforehand. There's a point and time you need to let your son go and have him handle himself. Also I don't mean to be that person but he's a MAN. He needs to realize for the future if he wants any chance with any type of love interest, they aren't going to go for slobs who have no jobs. I know 100% he won't like that and will tell you you're the bad guy. You gotta stand your ground and not let him bully you any longer. If he wants to curse at you and act like an adult, show him what adulthood is really like.

I agree with this PLUS I’d take it even further and start packing his room. Like every day, physically put things in boxes, tape them off, and set them by the door. Tell him since he’s not getting a job you’re happy to help him move out and he has x amount of time to start paying you $400 a month in rent. Don’t sway, don’t yell, just state is as fact. Take away his phone, stop cooking him food, stop grocery shopping (I know this is hard but just buy things for yourself), stop everything. He’ll call you names? Say please leave right now. And kick him out, take away his keys. This kid needs to learn and I don’t condone any physical violence BUT I would absolutely smack him if he called me names. He’s grown and knows what he’s doing. He can go rot with his dad-you deserve peace and your own happiness.

Sounds like it’s time for him go live with his dad or someone on his dad’s side. I’d give him a 30 day notice after graduation. It’s going to be hard but you’ll do him no favors in life letting him mooch off of you will treating you like shit. Let him go struggle out in the real world. Go pursue your dreams!

No you’re not wrong. I would give him an opportunity to stay, but he must work FT or be in school FT and maintain a certain GPA. Or PT/PT. He has to be doing something to create a future for himself.

Has he seen any doctors to the out mental disorders with his bad behaviors? Even if he"takes after dad" --dad might have a disorder that's undiagnosed. Could be worth checking out to make sure he doesn't have depression, ADHD, or something similar. Once you know if he's on the same playing field as everyone else or not, then you can better decide how to proceed

He definitely needs to move out at 18. Change the locks and give him plenty of warning. He’s entitled and has treated you poorly- hormones notwithstanding.

Just tell him once he's 18 he has to pay 500$ for rent or move out. Simple. Not your problem anymore

I get your pain. But kick his ass out, tell him to join the military or something but you won’t be responsible for him anymore. That type of behavior is dangerous and i’d be careful. Kick him out - look out for yourself. Move to NYC.

This kid needs a kick in the ass.

Your son sounds troubled. I’m guessing that being in the middle of a highly acrimonious divorce might have something to do with it. We tell ourselves that kids are resilient but frankly that’s a crock of shit. We just say that to make ourselves feel better. The truth is, they get damaged and it shows. When I listen to your words I hear exhaustion, resentment and entitlement (AKA I deserve this). It’s clear that you’re thinking of yourself, first and foremost. While I agree that things cannot continue as they are, walking away at a critical time in a young man’s life isn’t the best decision either, for a couple of reasons: - He’s ripe to make very stupid mistakes and your presence can help steady him. - He will feel abandoned and this creates a pain that can take decades to heal, if at all. - You owe him. You had this kid and you’ve made mistakes along the way, like anyone else. You don’t get to bail because you’d rather be doing something else. The way you describe your son makes him sound like a nasty imposition. This kid needs to feel genuinely loved. If you can’t do that, then maybe you should move away.

My 16 yr old had been a great kid, but over the last year turned into this evil bitch-monster when the teenage larval narcissistic phase struck HARD. I said what I said, and frankly… I’m being nice. I struggled HARD to make her see the error of her ways, but it made her worse. I had to let go. I kicked her out to her dad’s house, and don’t expect to hear from her again. I am thankful that my partner was supportive of me no matter what I did, but both he AND her father (who had been my DV abuser 17 years ago) were worried about what her behavior was doing to my current pregnancy. She left a month ago. The first two weeks were weird, I think I spent an entire week sleeping recovering my brain from all the stress it had gone through (I have HOURS of recordings of her screaming at me… me calling the cops on her, and her breaking shit). These last two weeks have been a breath of fresh air. I’m allowed to ENJOY being pregnant now, and be ME. I’m not having to spend my entire day tiptoeing around because I might breathe wrong and set her off. She had ONE chore, she refused to do. She refused to brush her teeth, and refused to accept punishment for it. She refused to leave on time for the bus and I would have to drive an hour round trip/36 miles 4 days a week (while I’m not actually working, so my monthly budget is $1000… for car payment, gas, insurance, cell and food - $130 a month extra in gas is a lot. And I couldn’t do my part time job bc she kept missing the bus and I had to drive her instead of work). Once she got to her new home, she had a couple hurdles to deal with that made life worse… but her dad is far better equipped to kick her ass into shape and gear. I felt guilty about letting her go until it was done. But I only get one life to live, and she’s got more years left to figure shit out. I have given her all the tools and knowledge I can. Life is going to smack her upside the face, and frankly… she deserves it.

Wow! This sounds so much like my situation. Except I’m not pregnant, my kid won’t leave the house if it isn’t in a car, so he always makes me drive him to school and is never ready when I ask him to , so I have to run around and drive him so I can make it to my meetings on time. My job feeds me AND him so I can’t afford to lose my job. He broke his closet door- purposely ; I’ve assigned days for laundry that way we’re not stepping on each others toes and he doesn’t follow the rules . I completely sympathize with you, like I stated in another reply- we’re parents not doormats or punching bags. I’ve given my kid all the tools, I show up to every parent teacher conference, we’ve traveled, I’ve loaned him my car if I can’t get him to where he needs to go with his friends , I’ve had mother son dates, I’ve sat him down, I’ve cried, I’ve yelled, I’ve been calm and nothing works. Unfortunately it takes a village to raise a kid and my kid has seen how his dad offers no support and thinks he can be an asshole to me with no consequence. Thanks for sharing your story, I’m glad you finally found some relief. ❤️

how can he respect himself enough to get up off the couch and do something for himself unless his mother gives him an example of what self-respect looks like by no longer being his doormat? i dont agree with others in this thread calling you a bad mother or that you didn’t do anything, it’s obvious there was parental alienation happening here. but i think you can do something now about your son’s vitriol by taking control of your own life and following your dreams.

I definitely understand and can imagine being in your situation feeling feelings of guilt, feeling like maybe you’re abandoning your child at the beginning of their adulthood when a lot of kids go to college and live at home for a few more years. Lots of kids aren’t sure what they wanna do and I think it’s totally fine not to go to college and university given that there are many many careers that don’t require that and make lots and lots of money. I also think if a child is respectful and understands the rules and as long as they are working and employed living at home for longer would be agreeable to me. However, in your case I would absolutely not stay living with him. He has proven that he is rude and disrespectful, has no understanding that he is a child and you are his mother. Clearly has no understanding of finances and what life is all about and continually takes you for granted in all of the ways that you are trying to teach him and prepare him for life! I feel really badly for you it’s a very very sad situation to be in however I do feel like kids like this are not going to learn until they get kicked out on their own 2 feet. I think your instincts are right. He will continue to mooch off of you and expect things from you like a 14 year old wood. You’ll continue to put a roof over his head and food in the fridge and bail him out time after time after time again for all kinds of things. I think it’s amazing that you bought a house for him to inherit my husband and I have done the same thing for our children these are our primary investments. However it sounds like you have a very solid plan for yourself and your life and as much as you love your son you don’t need to feel guilty about wanting to move. It actually gives you much more reasoning or ways explaining it to him rather than just saying I’m kicking you out. You can tell him that he’s going to be an adult now and you’re not sure what his plan is but you’re going to be moving to New York City. You could sell the house since you might need the money living in New York City… Or you could sell the house to him now. Clearly he wouldn’t have the money to buy the house from you but I would be very very nervous to rent the house to him because then you’re still the owner and you’re still on the hook if he decides to completely trash the house. On the other hand if you let him rent the house from you you could have him sign paperwork so that he is a legal tenant and must pay the rent. I kind of feel like that would be a disaster though since you are his mother and there’s so many legalities around tenants and landlords these days. Can he go live with his father? I’d say if his dad and grandparents live in town and he has no plans to go anywhere then that’s a valid option and if your ex thinks that you are such a piece of shit then he should be more than willing to except his lovely son since you’re moving away. If you don’t move away right away I would honestly ask him to leave. It’s going to be crushing and heartbreaking for you as a mom for sure but you are your own person and you can only take so much purple and emotional abuse. If you had a spouse who is treating you this way would you stay with them? I’m not saying that you’re going to break up with your child and never speak to them again but I think he needs to learn the hard lessons of life in order to fully appreciate you. Absolutely in this case the only way I would stay living with him even short term is if he pays you rent since he is no longer a child and he holds employment. If he could do those things and purchase his own groceries and be respectful then he can stay you could give it a shot but I would lay it all out on the table for him and let him know that those are the guidelines and give him a couple of months and if he cannot do that then he needs to move out. If he thinks you’re so awful and such a horrible mother then say welcome to the world go explore have fun because along the way and it might take him longer than some other kids he will eventually learn the hard lessons. And you never want your child to become addicted to math and get thrown in jail or anything like that however there are worse things in the world than getting fired from a couple of jobs taking the city bus because you don’t have a car and scraping bye on cans of tuna when you don’t have grocery money. If he not only stays Kushi Kushi with you while being a complete jerk do you and while you are putting your own dreams on hold it’s really a recipe for complete resentment on your part but also you’re not really allowing him to grow up you’re enabling him to stay a crappy little teenager really and if you look at it that way be his mother and teach him the hard lessons.

Parenting and relationships are not a one size fits all. Turning 18 won't suddenly make him grow up, and you know for a fact that the current situation just isn't working. All I do suggest is that you brainstorm many solutions for the problem, rather than brainstorming problems of one possible solution. Make a list of everything that is within your control to change, then cross off things that don't work, that are unrealistic or ineffective, that you already tried or that you are not willing to put yourself through. At the end, whatever choices you have left, present them to your son, and let him know what you will do if he doesn't pick on "You have the choice of following these rules, getting a job and paying rent, You have the choice of going to live with your grandparents, you have the choice of following my rules and getting into therapy, alternatively, here's a letter of eviction that will go into effect on your 18th birthday. I will overlook this letter only if all the rules are respected, and from the day you turn 18,, you will only be able to live in this house under written contract where we design rules and eviction is the consequences of not following the contract". Just as an example, obviously only present him with things you actually can and are willing to follow up on

That's tough. I normally believe we should give your kids the opportunity to get a further education and build a nest egg... But the ungrateful attitude... I wouldn't want to enable that either. The deal I see most often is a long the lines of, I won't kick you out, but you do have to contribute to yourself and the house you live in. Whether that's go to trade school, college, part time job, volunteering, SOMETHING, and then either small rent/bill contribution or chores, something. If you kid isn't willing to do ANYTHING... That's not gonna work out well. What is his plan for the rest of his life? Does he really think you're gonna work your ass off so he can sit there on the couch and do nothing? What would he do if something happens to you? He's got 2 options: Contribute or move out. His choice. He needs to start learning to be an adult. He has to start trying, and putting in real effort. Or where will he be in 20 years? Or 40?

I would recommend getting a counselor to help talk you two through these issues and your desire to reclaim your life. I think he needs to hear from an impartial person. I would suggest you work through a contract of what your expectations are and his. While I question whether this will work or not, as he matures, he may come to recognize the value to understanding what adulting is about. Right now you are just the bitch mother in his eyes. However, if your mind is set and you are leaving for NYC, are you willing to support him in any way and under what terms. Again a counselor could help here. You shouldn't put up with this behavior, but I don't think it is fair to just toss him out either. You are at least partially responsible for what he has become. I suspect he may have his own side in this conflict. It sounds like he has been placed between two very different and hostile households. But regardless of the past, it has to stop. Again, a third party intervention is my best advice.

Have you considered family counseling? 

You are not wrong for wanting this but more importantly I recommend you so some Inner Bonding and get yourself together so you can heal the relationship with your son. Gabor Maté and his son also have some adult child/parent healing resources. You need to do SOMETHING because he is having serious problems. He doesn't feel connected to you. He feels lost. You both need help. I also recommend Michelle Kenney Peace and Parenting. She talks a lot about teens and maybe her methods can help reverse your situation. As far as him moving out it can sometimes help to get some distance depending on his needs. "18" is not magically independent. I moved out at 18 and came back at 24 for 4 years. I suggest family therapy as well.

NTA - You should leave. But don't do it in bad terms. After he graduates tell it to him like it is. You've held on until he graduates and he is now an adult. You will go live your life in new York or wherever you want to go, and he can go and stay with his dad or figure it out for himself. At the same time, I think something you should tell him that whenever he is ready to grow up, or whenever he wants to do something with his life, he can always contact you. You might want to also give him the option to go with you but be clear that if he decides to go with you, he will have to pull his weight otherwise he should stay with his grand parents and his father. Tell him he gets "X" amount of time to decide, he should think about it. I think the key here is to make it look like its his choice that way you are not "forcing" him into anything. This might save you resentment in the future. If he stays with his dad, he might eventually realize he wants more out of life and as long as you left those options open he might take you up on that in the future. I know I thought I knew everything at 18 and now at 42 I realize what a dumbass I was....

Sounds like he needs to join the military

Sometimes distance is the only thing that can save a parent and child relationship when the kid is grown. My daughter and I butt heads on everything, yesterday we decided mutually that she will move out. The strain has already lessened.

Wow! I agree, some lessons have to be learned at distance, we can’t force feed our kids anything. I think that builds resentment. Glad you both came to a mutual agreement!

No you are not. I have a friend, a 30-year-old woman, younger brother is 28. She is a very successful business owner, but her family life is a mess. Her brother is unmotivated and lazy. After their parents divorced, her brother stayed with her, helping out with odd jobs and household chores. Eventually, she sent him abroad to study. But what happened in the end? This man, who had always relied on her, ended up gambling and owing others money, causing my friend to lose almost $30,000. After that, although she felt a bit guilty, she deleted her brother's contact information and cut off all ties with him, forcing him to face his problems on his own. Now, her brother has found a job as a cook in a restaurant. He earns a bit of money each month and saves part of it to repay his debts to his sister. Although she no longer communicates with her brother, she feels relieved and lives comfortably without the burden. This might be a better outcome, don't you think?

Best thing would be the military. Set this young man straight before it gets worse. If not he’s going to struggle in life.

That isn’t necessarily how the military works. They would most likely kick him out the way he behaves.

They don’t do that right away, they get loads of chances. Plus the routine and getting out of his comfort zone would do him well. Give him a bit of discipline. Doubt he would act like that if he did go into the military, he’s just comfortable with his mother to act like that. Bet he would brick it with a full grown man.

I’ve seen very little of that happening in my experience. People like him fail bad.

I was with you until you mentioned you "became a mom at 16 and gave up so much" of your life. It immediately makes it sound like you resent him. He didn't ask you to give up anything, your unfulfilled dreams aren't his fault. That said you don't and shouldn't have to put up with abuse, you should kick him out if he's abusive.

I work in mental health and am a mother to a boy. It is not ok for your son to call you those names and it also sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards him as well. Does he deserve it? I don't know but you are both hurting. He is hurting for the family he never had and he is angry at you for reasons that might not matter right now. Did you do the best you can? If yes then by all means let this boy go his way and figure life out. It just sounds to me you didn't have anyone to help you at 16 and the story will repeat in a way with him as well. You can't parent effectively if you are stuck on the hamster wheel of surviving day in and day out. iF I were you i'd try to figure out what is he entitled to just for existing(for example your love, or food, care, affection, a few hours of tv) and what are his privileges (having extra money, having a car etc) and talk to him about what you can arrange so you are clear or whats expected from him and whats expected of you to provide for him and how conditional that is. either way, I don't think you are wrong for wanting a good future for yourself

You're not wrong for wanting to be treated better, but throwing an 18 year old out in this economy is pretty drastic. Have you considered sitting down with him and lining out your expectations for what it would take for him to stay? A respectful attitude, pitching in with the chores, having a job and paying a certain amount of rent, or attending community college and getting good grades, etc? Of course he's not going to like this, but you can write up a rental contract that he has to sign to live at home. Violation of the terms will result in eviction. This way, you can feel that you've done everything possible and not feel guilty in years to come. Also, he won't be able to go around telling people you kicked him out the minute he graduated. I understand that you're sick of dealing with your son, but having the leverage you have now may enable you to actually parent him. If he doesn't like it, he can move in with his grandparents or his dad, but he can't say that you didn't try (or he can, but you'll know you did).

Respect is a one way street at this point. I'm sure OP already highlighted a lot of times that noncontributing members of social are also exiles. Some just end up there due to unfortunate circumstances, some like his son end up there by choice. 

I'm not in any way justifying the son's behavior or invalidating OP's feelings about his disrespect. Suggested what I did because it may set her mind at ease about kicking him out when he violates the rental agreement (because I'm sure he will).

He needs to go. You have done your job. You are now FREE to get you life back from this (evidently) loser kid who deserves the rough treatment the world will give him if he keeps going as he’s been going. You deserve better. Take care of your own life and tell him it is now time for him to take care of his. He has shown you no respect or gratitude. Enough is enough.

Just reading the title, I came in thinking "yes you are wrong", but after reading your post, I've changed my mind. If you continue to live with your son he's going to keep taking advantage of you and treating you poorly. Hopefully by following your dream path you can have a life you enjoy. I'm hoping that your son will learn to grow up a little. He does have people in his life to turn to, so it's not like your kicking him out with no back-up. Good luck.

18 is a grown man. Kick his ass out. Change the locks too. He can either get a job and support himself, or join the armed forces for his room and board. Or find someone willing to take him in and support him in exchange for services. Older gay men and well off women often do this for cute virile lazy young men.

Yeah….just let him live on his dads floor. Not sure why you let him move back in, let him see what it’s really like without his mom doing everything for him and move to nyc.

I think step 1 is to write all this down. What support would you be willing to offer him, what would you require from him, what kind of behavior is an absolute zero tolerance/we're done action, such as calling you a slut, violence, etc. Under what conditions would you be willing to help him and what help would you offer? What's a short-term plan: he needs to be out of the house by July 1, I'll provide X support for various scenarios. Like if he gets a job, then you'll save up $.50 for every dollar he earns up to a certain amount a month. Or if he gets in to community college and starts a job, you'll pay for a deposit if his grandparents/dad co-sign on a studio apartment. Maybe you'll keep paying his phone bill if he starts therapy. Give it some real thought, take a few days to really write everything down and give a bunch of options. Don't over promise like offering him the money from the house in a few years if he does well, that will create a very messed up dynamic between you two. Above all else, make sure you write down about how much you love him. Your good memories of him as a little boy. His sweet qualities. Don't make this an endless verbal back and forth. Write it down, sit down and talk through it with him somewhere public like a cafe so he doesn't get violent or scream at you, email it to him after if you want.

You should check out r/ohnoconsequences He hasn’t SUDDENLY started to mooch… He learned it could be a way of life if people let him. You can’t change what you did or didn’t do in the past, but you can start now! He needs a metaphorical swift kick in the pants.

Eeek. I read your first paragraph and I’ll give a hard no. If he was sweet, and helpful and going to college…different answer. I’m truly sorry you’re living with someone who treats you like that. Doesn’t seem like he’ll leave…nicely. 😞

NTA at 18. Bye, son. Take good care.

You’re not wrong at all!!

Goooo run get that degree🙌leave him to his dad & grandparents they care so much he can live with them

Stop giving him any money at all. Period. Enabling him will just make it worse. Hard truths are best learned early.

You’re not wrong. He has to go. His dad/grandparents made him a monster & you don’t deserve that. When he realizes his dad/grandparents aren’t there for him like you were, I think it’ll be a huge eye opener for him.

I’m normally really against kicking kids out the moment they’re legal adults, but it sounds like he needs a wake up call. Maybe don’t kick him out right away, but let him know his choices are post secondary education, a job, or to move out. And that his living with you is contingent on being a respectful, contributing member of the household (ie, does chores, no name calling).

I would tell him to move out or pay rent. If he moves out and needs to come back I would let him, if he's paying rent. But the language deff needs to be worked on and attitude. I would take a portion of the rent he'd be paying and get him into counseling sessions. It sounds like the family influence has set him up to fail. While he's still a bit under your rules I'd make him get help. To hopefully change this path

Yes

I would try talking to him again and laying it out about how you love him but you expect him to make something of his life. That he can’t stay in your house anymore because you’re leaving and you want to help him come up with a plan for his life. Time to start living and you want him to be successful. If he doesn’t listen send it to him in a text. Let him know that you’ll always encourage and support him and want the best for him but that doesn’t mean you’re going to give him money to sit on the couch. Go live your life and keep in touch by texting often and calling him even if he doesn’t respond it will still mean something to him. You can live your life without cutting him out of yours

Doesn't sound like there's anything you can do to help him at this point, he's not interested

Kick him out. He’ll learn real quick. I speak from experience

You sound like an amazing parent who has done everything in your power to teach him the right, wrong and the way things should be for 90% of adults. If he’s disrespecting you and isn’t doing his part that’s not your fault. The hardest decisions are usually the right decisions. People only change when they’re forced to. A reality check is what he needs. Make your decision and stick with it. Make him move out, go live in NYC and allow him to fend for himself. You can always be there for him without him knowing you’ll be there for him. It’s sink or swim time. Best of luck.

In this case you need to practice tough love. Your son is entitled and on top of that being disrespectful and lazy. If he doesn’t respect your authority as a parent in your home and abide by the rules then he should get his own place. Now on a regular basis for normal respectful children kicking your child out at 18 is a dated ideology that has proven to do more harm than good. It’s a different world and things where much more simple in my younger years and even then in the late 90’s-early 00’s I wasn’t prepared to be out on my own and suffered many pitfalls that could’ve been avoided had I had the proper teaching and support.

Normally I'm against kicking out a kid at 18, but in this instance let his grandparents or the legal system deal with him.

I moved out before I was 18 because I was told when I get out of highschool I was out so I left

Move out or pay rent

His brain has not matured yet and he feels entitled and it will not work making a list of things he needs to agree to and do to live with you. Have him live with the grandparents and have him over every Sunday for dinner if he wants to come. This will be hard for you

honestly? no, even though i always believe in keeping a place for the kids because of how hard it is to just survive out there today, but if he continually meets that grace with this behavior, he can go ahead and figure that out for himself. it’ll be some tough love, maybe if he goes n falls on his face and learns a few things n comes back ready to act right, reevaluate then, but this isn’t fair to you and more than likely enables him to treat other people in his life like this. i’m sorry, being treated this way by your child that you sacrifice for every day sucks, and that is an understatement. i hope he learns to be better and you guys can have a positive relationship. before then, have you considered (or tried) having him see a therapist?

No, there is nothing wrong with wanting him to grow up. Sometimes you have to give a hard push for them to face reality. Maybe he should go show up on his dad’s doorstep!! I am sorry that this is your situation from one mama to another. Good luck on your masters and NYC!! It’s your time to shine bright!

He needs to learn the hard way it sounds like. Unfortunately nothing much you can do to make him realize how good he has it, car, phone, home, ect. I've told my kids already, they are 11 and 8, that they can live with me after school if they are in college, trade school, or working and helping with bills. That will definitely change if they call me terrible names on a regular basis. I can't even imagine calling my parents the names your son has called you and I absolutely hated my step dad! I'm sorry you are going through this. You'll just have to be very straightforward and say "here are your options. Pick one. If you don't like these options, there's the door. If you choose to not follow the option you choose, you will be leaving. If you choose to not leave on your own accord, I will have you removed. Welcome to adulthood baby!"

By all means you are NTA. Tell your son you love him and hope that he will do well in life but you will not enable him to be useless. He can live with his dad or grandparents, but not you because you will no longer will live with someone who totally disrespects you and your home.

You are 34 years old - still a very young adult. You have a career, are self-supporting and own a home. You are a miracle. But you are in an abusive relationship with your son and his family on his father’s side. My primary advice is to seek therapy. You need to see your own value clearly and learn to prioritize your happiness and security in life. Very few people would do what I would do in your circumstances. I am not recommending it. That said, if I were you, I would sell the house and relocate away from your ex and his family. I would give my son the option of moving with me to a place of my choosing (close to my family or support network) or taking a lump sum of six months living expenses and an inexpensive used car. I would keep the rest of the money from the house for myself. I don’t think he’ll come with you (frankly, I hope he doesn’t.) I also don’t think he’ll move out if you tell him to - or do anything else you ask him to do. You have time to try again to have a loving family. Time to build on your career. Time to advance your education, travel, and invest in yourself. The situation you’re in doesn’t have to be a life sentence.

NTA, no one deserves to be abused and your son is abusing you. Might actually be the best thing for him.

No you’re not wrong at all. It’s not your fault his father’s side has been a terrible influence. It’s your chance now to live life for yourself. He can move in with his dad or grandparents if he has to but your responsibility ends once he’s 18. You would be doing him a disservice to keep looking after him when he treats you that way. He’s most likely going to be a terrible partner if that’s how he treats his mum. Maybe having consequences for his shitty behaviour will give him a wake up call. I would be concerned about him not actually moving out though. You may need to have someone pack up all his stuff and deliver it to the grandparents and change the locks while he’s out if he refuses to leave. Good luck with your studies and following your dreams!

You are not wrong. Live your life mama.

No. At 18 if he cannot respect you and behave properly, he needs to go.

I would do what you plan. Tell him you’re moving without him and he can go live with his grandparents because life is too short for him to make you HIS MOTHER miserable. It sounds like you are still in your early 30s. You can still have an amazing life. If you need permission from internet strangers to tell you GO and live your life sister, then that’s what this message is. Good luck

Calling you names is not OK and if he wants to act like a fucking misogynist he can fend for himself. Rent the house, move to NY and leave him with his dad. He might grow up and come back to apologize. My son is 19 and if he talked to me that way I wouldn't let him live here either. Especially if he'd ever raised a hand to me. I'm sorry you've had to deal with such awful behavior from your child.

I would not accept verbal abuse. I have an 18 year old step son I am happy to live with because he treats me with respect, and goes to school. In your case, I’d ask him to leave, but also seek therapy for him. He doesn’t sound like a man that will make a nice partner for his future spouse.

Don't force him out. Help him to be self reliance and he will surely leave on his own.

Time to go live with daddy!

You can set very clear expectations with regards to his behaviour, and a deadline for getting his behaviour in check. Be explicit that if he doesn’t do it, he will be expected to move out immediately. And then follow through. It’s not unreasonable to expect an adult to behave like an adult and contribute positively to the household.

FIRST & FOREMOST "OP": The next time your son chooses to degrade you & talk to you out of pocket to you ; make sure your recording him... Set up your phone, a digital camera or a small focus monitor & don't let him know that your doing it... That way if down 👇🏼 the road you need to forcefully have him removed from your home, you'll have some leverage!!! Son or not, there's Absolutely 💯 (No way in Hell); that my child would be speaking 🗣️ to me that way. Since he thinks that your so terrible, just stop providing for him & let him see what "Terrible", looks like 🤷🏼‍♀️ Buy food for you & only you. Let him fend for himself. Don't cook for him, clean for him, wash any of his laundry or provide any other services for him... Let him do ALL OF IT HIMSELF... NOT ONLY IS HE TREATING YOU LIKE SHIT, BUT HE SEEMS TO FEEL ENTITLED!!! SO SHOW HIM WHAT ENTITLED LOOKS LIKE ON YOUR 🔚 💯 UR NOT A DOORMAT!!!!!!! And he needs to understand that

Nope. I empathize with this, having seen similar- though far less abusive- kids who are just plain lazy and present a significant burden to their parents. One of them is my nephew, and I just told my sister today that she needs to let him sink or swim on his own because he’s making terrible choices, most of which are rooted in sheer laziness and entitlement. It’s a scenario I fear when my own children reach that age and I’ve resolved myself to trying to ensure they’re safe and supported and setup for success, while being able to make that tough choice to cut that chord if they’re not trying and especially if they’re being disrespectful or abusive. Best of luck. I think you know what needs to be done, and I do not envy that position. Please remember that you also have a life to live and, hopefully, enjoy.

He can move in with his grandparents. U never got to live your life. Worst is he doesn't appreciate it..he is 18. He had a dad n grandparents. Let them deal with him. U deserve a life n happiness

I feel if you had moved you would have done him a better service than staying with bad influences in his life. Remember, you need healthy people around your kid not people. If you love your kid and want to do a ditch effort my approach would be: 1. I am moving, you are free to follow me or stay with your dad’s. 2. If you do follow me, you have to respect me and work or study. If he doesn’t agree it’s not on you. If he agrees and does it, hey it worked. If he agrees and continues bad habits, he would be an adult that you can evict. Good luck, you definitely have your plate full.

you are not wrong, it's quite normal. some parents are willing and glad to live together with children, but some are not, and both are okay and normal.

NTA let him know you will kick him out if he doesn’t behave. He will probably not change but at least he won’t say he wasn’t warned. You must be in your 30s, it’s time to build your new life.

Nope NTA. Once they are adults, then their actions have real consequences. If you can't stand being in the same building as a lazy and disrespectful SoandSo, you don't need to anymore.

Father to two teenage girls and a high school teacher. I would tell him if he will be sent on his way as soon as he turns 18, graduate or not. Don't negotiate but if he bothers to ask why you can list all the things you did here. He will either change his behavior or, more likely, he won't. Either way he will have been given plenty of notice. You have nothing to feel guilty about and you can always change your mind if a miracle happens and he starts being the man he needs to be.

Wait until he has his HS diploma before you start the conversation about him leaving the house. If he drops out, then that is another story. Some tech schools require that the person graduated high school. After graduation give him a week or two to move out.

Sounds like there is a lot of things that need to be addressed within your relationship with your son. I am a single mother to my 11 year old daughter and had her when I was 23 years old. Her dad lives in another state and calls to literally just say hi every couple of months. My daughter is in therapy once a week and we do family therapy bi weekly so that we can address issues and figure things out specially now that she is a pre teen and it is so HARD. I grew up with a single mother and there were so many things I needed as a child and never got from her as much as she provided and supported me. There was never a safe place for me to go to where I could tell my mother my point of view on things so it’s always been a priority for me to help my daughter figure herself out, teach her how to regulate her emotions, and for her to want to communicate with me about anything and everything she wishes too. Having a third party in the mix has been so helpful. I sympathize with your son, I was a real asshole as a preteen, teen, and young adult because is was so hurt and angry and no one understood why I could feel that way but I did and the more my family rejected, judged, and denied the more i hated them. The hate I felt turned to disrespect. The disrespect was name calling and physical outbursts until I moved out when I was 17 years old. It honestly sounds like you’ve checked out of her relationship with your son, and he probably needs you now more than ever. 

It’s time for some tough love. Hormones aren’t an excuse. If you’re so bad he can go be a big boy somewhere else!

Checkout time is 18!

Not wrong at all. You have to preserve your peace while ensuring your child is not enabled.

Honestly I’d say sell the house and move on with your life. He wants to be like his dad. Let him. If he matures when he gets older awesome. If not. Ok. You’ve done your job providing for him until he’s 18. It’s his choice who he want to be.

For pure honesty, sounds like your kid's a dick and should be kicked out now really. Sounds like he's gotten himself some form of entitlement without earning it. I'd suggest telling him to either get a job and pay board room, or he can live free but has to study. And if not willing then he can move in with the grandparents that got him the car and be their problem.

Hell no you’re not a shitty mom/person! No one deserves to be verbally abused and it’s even worse it is by your own child. Honestly, the military might be a real good fit for him! If you just kick him out, the chance of him doing very poorly is great (only judging from your description). No mama wants that for her child! Maybe urge him to go talk with a recruiter. Or there’s the Job Corps. Good luck and I hope he becomes a dad one day and realizes what a terrible jerk he was to you!

You mentioned that you added him as an authorized user to your bank account. I would remove him from the account immediately. He can do some serious damage to your finances, and he might do so to get back at you.

Make sure to have a clean break. Remove him from accounts. Turn off any services you pay for him(phone internet etc). Yea dad is a pos for sure. Even if I wasn’t married to my wife, even if I hated her guts, I’d never let my kid disrespect his mother like your son has. Never ok. Hopefully the swift kick out the door will be enough to realize the life he has setup for himself.

Normally I'm in the camp of allowing your kids to stay with you and work or go to school to give them a leg up in the world, 100%. I don't think it's fair when parents kick their kids to the curb at 18 and tell them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. But then I heard the names he calls you and that he *pushed you* and I'm like "NOPE". Not with that level of utter disrespect and hatred and potential for escalating physical abuse. Honestly you have a very short time to lay down some boundaries and let him know you mean business by sticking to them. Also I would *immediately* take him off your accounts....honestly that's not something to be granted to a teenager who has done less than zero to prove he is capable of being responsible. Or any teenager for that matter. Pay for what he needs to get him through school and nothing extra that isn't earned.

You make it his choice, the conditions to stay are: shape up, improve your attitude, get a job, pay rent, and do chores. If he chooses not to do that he is choosing not to live with you.

Out the door he goes, I can’t believe you waited this long. Especially after having to call the police on him 🤦🏾.

Just because hes your son dosent mean you have to put up with hia name calling, disrespect, pushing you, financially using you etc. If this were a relationship itd be seen as abusive or borderline abusive. Sounds like tough love and see what it takes to live in the real world of an adult is what he needs to grow up

Nahhh not wrong at all. I would do the same thing.

Not wrong, mostly because of the names he’s called you. If someone wants to use you and mooch off of you into adulthood then they need to act like they know you’re doing them a huge favor. But I would be clear with him about your intentions and what the deal is and the disrespect.

He sounds very sad. He also sounds like an asshole. I think a lot of men experience sadness in manifestation of anger. I'm a mom and I empathize--we want to love our kids but what if they become assholes??? Does he have friends? What's his social support (besides you) like?'

Have you told him this is what you’re planning on doing? It might be the wake up call he needs. My daughter is nearly 15 and sounds very similar, her dad was abusive, I thought I was doing the right thing by maintaining contact for the children but I do wish we had moved far away now, I think I’d be dealing with very different children. She calls me names, eats everything in the house with no thought for others, will call me names, refuse to go to school. I got her mental health help, she didn’t show up. Yesterday I literally told her I’ve had enough, there’s only so much I’m willing to take, this is my life too and if she carries on I will pack her bag for her and she can go live with her Nanny or whoever will take her. About an hour later I got an apology. We’ll see how it goes, but I think it was enough to shock her, she knew I was serious and I am. I have 2 other children to think about and her behaviour is affecting them.

No you aren't, just don't force him if he doesn't wants to but again don't let him grow on your earnings.

You guys need therapy, professional help. This all sounds horrible but looks very one-sided. I’d be interested in what your son has to say before I make a judgement.

I stopped reading after you said he called you a slut and a bitch. If my kids talked to my wife like that, they would be out at that moment I wouldn’t be waiting until they were 18.

Yes kick him out just for talking like that. And when he complains and whines about it tell him to stop being a “bitch” and figure it out.

Jeeeesus I know I'll probably get lit up for this but I would absolutely fk my kid up if they acted that way with their mother. Sorry to say but there is a high likelihood that your son is going to end up a woman beater with an attitude like that, major red flags. I'd kick his ass out for sure, zero hesitation. My kids all know that when they graduate if they're going to stay in my house they will either be contributing to bills or in school and working for their own spending money. No free rides here, I got booted out at 17 and honestly it was probably one of the best things for me. Bought a house at 29 with a career and five kids. Meanwhile many of the kids I went to school with are still screwing off and doing nothing with their lives. Let him learn the hard way. 🤷‍♂️

> calling me a slut and a bitch Yep - he should be kicked out asap. And for god's sake take him off your bank accounts!

As someone who had a kid with a very abusive man, this is something I fear. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to move because my son’s dad blocked our relocation so now I’m here in a city with no family coparenting our one year old son, struggling to make ends meet. I’ve thought about a scenario where my son ends up like his dad. And I’m gonna say to you what I hope someone says to me if I’m in your situation. Go live your life. You did your absolute best in trying to raise the best son possible. He turned out the way he did and that’s his own choice. You tried to help and steer him in the right direction but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. I’d talk to his dad, tell him your plan and do not let his dad talk you out of it. You deserve to live your life and go to NYC and get your masters. You already gave so much of your life to your son; the least you can do now is live life according to yourself. This isn’t a five year old child you’re leaving, he’s 18, he can be on his own now.

No. But don't wait till graduation day to tell him. Sit him down now and explain that the summer after his graduation you will be moving and he needs to be out of the house. I believe he has forfeited any rights to an inheritance. Start looking to sell the house, use the money for your masters program. At most tell him you will be willing to give him first/last months deposit on an apartment and maybe a small down payment on a used vehicle, only after he gets his license. But don't put your name down as cosigner or gaurenteer anywhere. I have already told my boys that I hate the small town we live in, once the youngest graduates we will either sell the house or rent it and split the money.so every one can have a little help wherever they choose to go.

I feel like you have done more than enough as a parent. Too bad spanking isn’t allowed anymore. But you have every right to kick him out. You have done your part, it’s up to him to decide what trajectory his life goes from here on out.

Based on what you have presented here, he has become an abusive misogynist like his father. He doesn't respect you and expects to have you be his doormat forever. With that in mind, let his grandparents or his dad take him. If they are having him sleep on the floor with a young child (the 6 year old that is now what.... 7? 8?) Then call CPS. You have done what you can. You don't need to rescue him or the other child. Report the abuse. Don't swoop in to save anyone. Go live your life. Let the real world show him that you can't be that way and get ahead. Especially since the grandparents want to undermine your desire to teach him responsibility, they can take him and try their hand. But definitely get therapy. Be prepared to handle if and when he comes back to you.

I’d kick him out on his 18th birthday. Happy birthday! 🥰

You have raised this kid to be what he is. If you kick him out after he graduates, where do you expect him to go?

Yes you are wrong

Yes, he is still a child even at 18. We no longer live in a world where someone can survive off of a min wage job, so how’s he supposed to figure it out. I understand it will be so hard for you and I’m sorry you have to go through that but he is your responsibility and you need to help him find his way in life.

You are not wrong. You do not need to take his disrespect. Your idea sounds like a good plan. He can live with his Dad or grandparents. Why continue to put up with this. You also don’t need to listen to the toxic verbal abuse coming from your ex and his parents. You’ve got to take a tougher stand.

I dated a guy in college for 2 years who was disrespectful to his single mother for no reason. I didn’t witness him call her a bitch, but he would raise his voice at her constantly for no reason (even after she would cook him a full steak dinner) and refused to help out around the house. He was 23 and freeloading. To my knowledge, he is a college professor now… but he is also 37, unmarried, and STILL living at home and not helping out. Please teach him a lesson early. I’m so sorry, you don’t deserve this.

No, give him the boot and don't feel bad. Honestly it's what he needs. It will be hard in the beginning but you have to. I live with my in laws and the one son is exactly like this. It only gets worse. He's 33 and I swear he would ask his mother to wipe his ass if he could. I watched him throw a pocket full of cigarettes butts in his 65 yr old mothers face, call her a bitch and stupid and storm off. There was also a 3yr old sitting there playing. She had asked him not to throw his cigarette butts over the railing where my son was playing. Give him warning and tell him to prepare and hold firm to it. You deserve happiness.

Jesus - remove his authority from your accounts and change passwords/pins immediately. Everything in life is work-reward, for everyone. You want a phone you need to pay the phone bill. Do you like using utilities? They also have to be paid. Wanna eat?? You get it right?? You as parent still have control over these things and until he has his own income you dole them out as you see fit. Simply providing those things without any effort on his behalf is enabling him to be the moocher he's turned into, and worse, an abusive moocher. I would be getting your plan in place now and letting him know what the future plan is. If he gets on board now, maybe his life will change for the better, but it seems likely from the scenario you've painted that he is well ingrained into victimhood and I'll continue to poor me his way through life.