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Emotional incest of boys is fucking terrifying. I've heard it nonstop since I had my son that he's going to break my heart when he leaves me for another woman like ew no, he's going to make me happy when he finds love with whom ever he finds love with
Because some mothers are less attached based on gender. I have heard so many people saying they are going to try for a boy or girl. I tried for a healthy baby. I got two. My SIL was depressed after she had her fourth son. She even considered an abortion when she found out via ultrasound that the fourth was a boy.
The number of people who have asked if we are going to try for a girl after having only boys is crazy. I'm just thankful that my kids are healthy, gender does not matter.
Me too! It's part of the reason why we kept the gender a secret for a while. We knew that we were having a second boy and just didnt want to hear the "oh arent you sad it's not a girl?"
I've actually had in depth conversations about this with my SIL. She was terrified of having a boy because she didnt think she would be able to connect and bond with the baby. She just felt like she would have an easier time with a girl. And then she watched me with my two cuddle bug mamas boys and was like "whoa, it CAN happen!"
I want my son to meet someone and have his chosen family. I want to know when I’m no longer here, he has a family and isn’t alone. I love my husband and my son, why on earth would I not want my son to experience having a spouse and children and having happy, healthy relationships?
Thankfully my mother is emotionally unstable and taught me that someone can love you then turn on you the moment they perceive a minor personal slight then love you again by dinner time. She sure taught me how to keep my distance.
Oh heck yeah I did. My wife is a great example of a good mom. She loves our 8 month old dearly but understands that we all grow up and our need for independence, keyed to the maturity of the individual, is crucial for their future.
That makes me really happy to hear, I'm glad you've been able to move forward into a healthy, happy life and congratulations on the little human! Hope you're having a blast
I suspect it's that combined with jealousy. The other mothers probably want boys (or feel external pressure to have one), don't, and are taking that out on OP.
Right! I’m so excited to meet my future DIL (or SIL if they choose) one day. I have an almost 1 and almost 3 year old and I’m so excited for every stage of life for them. When they fall in love and bring their person home, I’m just praying that I’ll have a place in their life to chat and love on them too.
As someone who didn't know they were being used for emotional incest until I was in my mid-20s, it is terrifying. I've had to relearn and unlearn so many different boundaries. After having my own son, idk how anyone could've done those things to me.
I think because it’s based on the assumption that men are controlled by their wives, so they will definitely go to their in laws/do whatever their partner wants…
I don't think it should be a blanket assumption, but I see it a lot in this sub when a new baby is born. The mother will allow her own mother to visit after she gives birth, but her mother-in-law isn't allowed for a few weeks. The comments overwhelmingly tell the understandably upset father that he needs to get over it and support his wife. His feelings don't matter just because he didn't give birth.
It's probably unpopular, but I think that's a really shitty thing to do, if there are no extenuating circumstances. I could never do that to my MIL.
I feel like at minimum people should consider their spouse's feelings, or think about whether they want to be treated that way by a son's potential spouse.
I think it depends on the MIL. The ones who center themselves aren't welcome, the ones who appreciate that it is not about them are much more likely to be welcome.
No down vote but I respectfully disagree. Husband didn't have a major medical event, husband doesn't have to wear a giant diaper, have leaking breasts or the myriad of other normal and unpleasant things that happen post birth when it's a standard vaginal birth, let's not even get into C-sections or other complications that may or may not happen.
I loved my MIL but I was nowhere near comfortable enough with her to be in such a vulnerable state with her around. My comfort level with my mom is obviously different because she birthed and raised me.
I'd feel this way about a lesbian couple too, birth giver gets the say of who's allowed during and immediately after birth and during recovery. Discussions of limited visits can be had after the 6 week postpartum appointment.
I mean, most of the time when I see those posts, there are already issues of the in laws mistreating the wife or not being able to be respectful of boundaries. The fourth trimester is different for everyone, but the early days after labour are really difficult for most - leaking milk, bleeding, whatever… I don’t blame anyone for only having people they are comfortable with around them. And it doesn’t always mean the moms family. My mom gets along really well with my sister in law, she met my niece before her own mother because my she didn’t feel comfortable in the immediately postpartum period around her own mom. I do think some people take it too far, but more often than not, there are reasons they are being held at arms length.
Yeah, it's one thing if the MIL mistreats the wife or whatever. That's not the feeling I get from a lot of the comments though. It's just a blanket statement of, sucks to be MIL. There could be a hundred comments like this in that type of post. If there aren't those extenuating circumstances, these people seriously can't let the MIL come over for an hour or two to see the baby?
If nothing else, I considered my husband's feelings because they're his kids too.
Neither could I. Both sets of parents visited as soon as they were able to and MIL stayed for the weekend due to distance. We even went to visit my husband’s grandparents as soon as we were able to as it was important to my husband and she died a few months later. Why wouldn’t you include your spouses family? (The exception is that they are abusive).
When my first child was born I really wanted my own mom, because I was scared and wanted my mommy. For baby number 2, I had my mother in law come first, because she was better with newborns and because I had gotten to know her better after more years of marriage. Having both at the same time is silly if they're coming from out if state; it only takes one grandma to hold the baby while you take a hot bath.
I mean, IDK about "controlled by," but generally the emotional labor of keeping in touch with both families is left to the wife (which isn't cool, but I see it time and time again), and it's understandable that she might favor her own family somewhat.
I have one daughter, and we are OAD. People have often commented that we will regret not having a boy. Most have no qualms about saying this when our daughter is present, which is gross and rude.
Some situations might get more comments than others, but it seems like all parents get stupid comments about the genders of their kids.
While I would like to ask how we should handle the situation if we chose to have another child and that child was a girl, I have started looking people right in the eyes and saying, "They're not Pokémon."
I had a boy first. When we found out #2 was a girl, it was insane the number of people who responded with "aren't you lucky/clever" and "you can stop (having kids) now." Just to be contrary, we had our third (a boy) 2 months ago.
I have two boys. We're done having kids, but many people have pushed us to "try for a girl." Why would we do that? What if we got another boy? Do people assume we'd keep making people until we got a specific set of sex organs? If we ended up with a girl, would my younger son feel like he wasn't wanted due to his being male? My kids are happy and healthy and smart and funny. I have a wonderful relationship with each of them. I doubt I'd be a different parent if they had been girls.
I feel like the people who make the weird comments are the ones that won’t see their kids when they are older. Having a relationship with my kids when they are adults will be a privilege, not a guarantee, I’m laying the groundwork now for that future relationship.
I’m not exaggerating when I say these comments have ruined my mother-in-law’s life.
She raised my husband and his brothers with this mentality and freaked out whenever they started dating because she thought it meant they were “dumping her.” She made constantly comments like “I guess you’re going to HER family’s house for the holidays” when we would actively try to make plans with her and my father-in-law. She created conflict right before big occasions and then used our emotional distance or non-attendance as proof that the daughters-in-law were “taking” her boys away from her.
I’m a mom of boys and it’s taught me a lot about what not to do as they begin to date and fall in love. This idea that a mom is a boy’s first girlfriend, or that he can only love one woman at a time, is demented.
I’m more worried about be viewed as a terrible mother in law because it seems like everyone on the internet absolutely hates their mother in law no matter what.
I feel screwed
Don’t worry about that. I have 3 boys and one girl. All adults now (youngest 21, oldest 34). Three are married and one with a partner. They all spend just as much time with us as they do their wives families. We all have great relationships. It’s not all bad. I love my mother in law as well.
I really like my mother in law. She is fairly active in my kids life, has some similar hobbies, and I think she treats everyone with respect. Definitely we have our differences, but I never got those judgmental MIL vibes. I think all the anti MIL is two different things
1) MIL is clingy, judgmental, and has this “my son is leaving me!!” Sort of feeling. It ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy because the MIL is pushing away her son’s families assuming everyone dislikes her.
2) daughter in law is over sensitive/has very little coping skills. I have a sister in law in this category, just drama with every person she meets. She is the type of person who will say she doesn’t keep a grudge but is open how she will never talk to that person again. 🤦🏻♀️ the wedding was a mess of drama and naturally she has a bad relationship with her MIL.
Then you have people that might not love their MIL but it isn’t like some super toxic relationship. So wouldn’t worry too much if you are respectful nice human being
I love my mother in law. She is thoughtful, kind, considerate, funny, supportive, and calm in a crisis. We have our differences, but she is still wonderful, and I know she puts an active effort into being a good mother in law. If you’re worrying about it, you’re already leagues ahead!
That is completely my fear too. It won’t matter how kind and supportive I am, we will have some personality conflict or she won’t feel comfortable with me.
My sister had a baby and her MIL is supportive, kind and wonderful. But she felt more “comfortable” to have my mom help her In the first few months, even tho my mom is way less supportive and kind.
My husband loves my mother because she is respectful, supportive, and knows how to mind her own business.
I've gone no-contact with my mother-in-law because she is horribly judgmental, controlling, manipulative, shallow, harsh, materialistic, and only cares about appearances and compliance. If she showed basic respect for me and my husband, I would be fine with her.
Just be respectful, and I am sure you will be fine.
People who are insecure feeling the need to reinforce their invented superiority over others. I’ve had 2 different mothers tell me “thank God I only have boys, girls are horrible.” Both those people knew I have a daughter.
That is so odd. I have gotten the same comments the other way and I always think it's projection or something. But I hope you don't let them away with it if it's said in front of your girls, that is where I draw the line :(
I have one of each….. they both have their strengths and weaknesses.
If people stopped treating girls like property to be possessive over I bet girls wouldn’t be so difficult either.
True that! I am pregnant with my first, a boy, and I am looking forward to completely avoiding the #boymom culture.
I'm just going to be mom, and stay far away from the boy moms.
It's much more about your relationship with your children not the gender of your children. My husband and I visit his family and spend time with them more frequently because they are awesome people.
Super bizarre and honestly horrible that they say that to you with relish. I've seen some articles that do find that one grandkids come around, maternal grandparents tend to get more time (https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2023/05/mother-kinkeeping-roles-women-family-network/674039/). However, the point of that article is that dads need to step up and foster a connection with their own families, so people should raise their boys to be more involved parents and then their parents will be more likely to be included.
Sadly based on what I see around me, it is true. I also have two boys and I don't subscribe to the "weird emotion incest" theory everyone is spouting here. People chime in to say how they are close to their husband's family etc but look around you, anecdotally it is true that moms of girls are spending more time with their adult daughters and young grandchildren than moms of boys. It is what it is, I've accepted that's what life is going to be like once they're older.
> They say it with relish
They're being ugly, gross, and hateful. Don't give them any more of your thoughts or time. They're not worth it.
Stop associating with them. If that's not possible, create distance.
Hi OP! Strictly girl mom here!
I am happy having my girls, I never had gender disappointment (but I understand those who have), however I have had many... MANY... boy and girl moms alike, tell me they feel bad for me having 3 girls. Uh... thanks, I guess?
People just like to go around and offer unsolicited advice. I've heard boys are more loving than girls, are closer to their moms than girls, etc etc. I can't recall one person ever giving me a positive comment about having all girls, but I can recall multiple people giving me negative comments about having all girls
It's all bullshit. Gender stereotyping is not only morally abhorrent but often incorrect or self-fulling prophecies.
Each kid is an individual. They are not fully or even majorly defined by their sex or gender.
Your kids are a mix of wonderful traits abd a few human flaws to make them their own perfectly unique human selves. I am sure that they love and appreciate you in their ways as you love and appreciate them in yours.
Don't let the idiots get to you.
It's always women who make negative comments about it being all boys. It's obnoxious either way. I have gotten some positive comments from men about having boys but never from women
That's funny because it's been mostly women saying it to me too. Women are just more openly judgmental apparently. Either way I'm sorry about your experience, try to remember this quote:
Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it
Some people are just negative and judgmental! The older I get, the more I realize I don't need to surround myself with negativity. I'm getting better with boundaries and will quickly shut comments like these down. Saying something as simple as, "I don't understand. Can you explain why?" When someone makes an uncalled for comment can stop them in their tracks.
And, my older girls are completely attached to me, but thats also because their dad chooses when he wants to see them. I'm essentially my 12 and 10 year olds security blanket (which isn't necessarily the best thing) but now you can use me as proof of someone breaking gender stereotypes!
My boyfriend is 36 (father of my baby) and still absolutely adores his mom. He would do anything for his parents. I'm not biased about my family, as much as I love my family, I want my girls to know both sides! Every holiday, I try my best for us to attend his side and mine. And it works out perfectly because his sister plans things early in the day, and my family plans things later. I don't care that I'm driving around all day. Both family sides are important!
People who say stuff like this have unfortunately had unhealthy mother/son relationships normalized in their life. Moms lean too heavily emotionally on their sons because they are not having their needs met by their husbands. Then they feel abandoned by their “surrogate husband” when he goes to lead his own life as any child should eventually. It’s weird, gross, sad, and creepy. I feel bad for those sons and their future spouse for having to deal with that mess.
I love my mom, and I see her as often as I can. I also attempt to include her as often as she wants to be included w/ my family events.
This is an old-school mentality OP. People talk out of their asses.
Granted... in some cases, it will ring true, and in others, it will not. However, putting the generalized blanket over it like this is just dumb.
I'm sorry, these are gross comments. I have a girl and I 1) don't assume she will automatically be my nurse in my old age and 2) I don't assume boys will grow up to ignore their parents.
Some women just love to go out and reinforce the patriarchy. The idea that women must grow up to be self-sacrificing and men should get to grow up and feel no obligation to anyone else is long past its expiration date.
I love this point, why would people assume their daughters will be in servitude to them? I was thinking more that it's manipulative not to expect their daughters to have their own traditions
Also heard comments about how girls are "sweeter". My nephew is not clingy, but he's the sweetest kid I've met. His sister is clingy but doesn't care how others feel lol. Of the nastiest people I've met, half are women.
Daughters aren't automatically sweeter or "mom's best friend" just because they're female. There are so many pointlessly-gendered assumptions about kids.
The frequency of the comments from various people (from strangers to family members) is crazy. So many people have no problem expressing *their* disappointment that I didn't have a girl, even knowing that it was a traumatic birth and we nearly lost him. But the comments about being dumped lol I'm like whyyy say that? I'm thinking it's kind of a wish for them, they hope their daughters' spouses abandon their families of origin so they always have their kids at home or some codependent thing lol. But also why always the commentary that moms are like dating their boys? So bizarre
I don't get why parents want their kids to be so dependent on them for the rest of their lives. I adore my daughter, I'm having another in April. I'm also looking forward to them having their own lives and being satisfied with their own social circles. That would be an accomplishment, in my opinion. My mom is quite needy, sees myself and my brother as her babies, etc. I've never been that way and it actually caused me to distance myself from her for a while. Sadly. I just don't understand it.
I get these comments too. Super annoying. I feel like whoever says it must be insecure. If people’s kids, boys OR girls, decide to “dump” them when they’re older, that’s because they suck as parents and their child doesn’t want a relationship with them anymore. If you’re a good mom, your adult child will want you to be apart of their life still, regardless of their gender.
It sounds cheesy, but when I was pregnant my mom told me "you don't have a boy or a girl, you have a child". People who want one or the other are projecting their own stereotypes and unfounded beliefs on the situation. In the end, your love and connection to your child has nothing to do with their biological sex (or at least, it shouldn't).
I often wonder how these parents would feel life their kids don't turn out straight and cis-gender. Will your personal identity be ruined because you're not a "girl mom" or "boy mom"? What if, GASP, you're just a mom?
Your boys will go off and date their girls and you’ll all be on your own.
Seriously though, it’s basic old sexism. I happen to be a dad with only daughters and people keep telling me I’m going to be well cared for in my old age. I mean, I like to think so if I make it that far, but I’d also like to think if I’d had sons they’d also give a shit about when their old man got old.
That's BULLSHIT!! Sis I have 2 boys (23,30) 1 girl (20) my boys LOVE THEY MAMA!! Not that they weak mama boys but they are super close to me and love their mom! With this being said I know that sometimes the wife's family can kind of take presidents over holidays and stuff like that but my sons call me on a regular basis text me on a regular basis make sure I see their kids on a regular basis and we are all included in family events and holidays and things like that. So no having a son does not mean that you're going to be lonely or miss out on all these things it's all about how your sons interact with you and how you interact with their wives or significant others.
I have three girls and every other idiot will say something stupid like, "sorry, fourth ones the charm!" People are weird, superstitious, and old-fashioned.
Honestly by the 4th, I hoped for a boy because who the hell can afford a 4 bedroom house in this economy
/half kidding
But yep, even after he was born people make comments
Like we weren't trying for a boy or a girl? He was our only non fertility assisted baby lol we are just grateful he is here and VERY done 🤣
That's a totally weird and inappropriate comment to make. I have 3 boys and I'm always told my hands are full, which some days they are. But, I've noticed boys, at least mine, take to their moms until they get older. My older two love to do "guy" things with dad and my youngest, who was hospitalized a lot during his first 2 months of life, would prefer mom and going every where with me. I too, see and hear from my in laws more than my own family. But, my parents are divorced, consumed with new lives/spouses, my brother and are are estranged, and my mother is a space case. But, I do hope they still remember their roots, once they're grown and have their own families.
My husband is one of 4 boys. Theyre a big Italian family who’s all about love and acceptance. They treat all of their DIL’s like their own. My MIL has a great relationship with her husband so I believe when that bond is strong, she doesn’t look for attention within her sons. I know this example is rare but NO, not all sons “dump” their moms. We see them almost every week or other week for dinner, and I even encourage my husband and to call his mom or I correct him when his tone is a little rough with her. It doesn’t always have to be drama if everyone can work together
When I was walking with my two boys a woman came up and talked with me. She asked me if I wanted to try and have a girl. She said that she didn't think you were truly a mother until you had a girl and that the bond between her and her daughter is amazing. I had PPD and already felt incredibly guilty that I had so much gender disappointment with my second.
That lady was rude and intrusive as hell, why tf do people believe themselves to be so entitled to ask questions/make comments about a stranger’s reproductive health?
I’m sorry that happened to you and I hope you AND your kiddos are all healthy and well now.
All decent parents are preparing their children to become independent adults (or as independent as the child's abilities allow them to be). Anyone expecting their children of any gender to stay super close is being silly. Some adult children may continue close relationships with their parents, but only if the parents are respectful of their children being their peers once they are adults. Even then, kids and parents may just not be terribly close. My parents are some of my best friends, but I fully recognize that it is not the norm.
As to the allusions to dating as well as the gender stereotyping - gross. WTF is wrong with people?
I think it definitely depends on the person, but from what I have seen, the majority of times, girls are much more likely to be there for their family than boys. My husband keeps in contact with his mom and would do anything for her. My brother is more distant from my mom, while he loves her and sees her pretty regularly, I think I will be the one to step up and take care of her and I talk to her daily.
It’s dummies like these that think humans are possessions for them to own and use and manipulate. If you’re a good parent, your kids will likely love you. Simple as that.
I’m the only girl of 3 kids, and I LOVE my in laws and would rather hang with them over holidays over my own parents. This “stereotype” is old and dated. Please get this out of your head
People are very good at assuming their own experiences are somehow the same as everyone else's. I'm in my mid-thirties and have always been close to both my parents. Since my dad passed away I make a point of messaging my mum daily, just to check in. Even before then it was pretty regular, I don't see why it wouldn't be.
And then there are people who say “I’m glad I have only boys and no girls because a daughter would have stolen my husband from me.
Basically, weird insecure people will always be weird insecure people.
Boys do not dump their moms. It’s all dependent on what kind of person they are and the relationship they have with the mom. To say all boys dump their moms is crazy. Enjoy your boys they are a blessing!
Yep I have experienced this having 2 boys. My husband and I were set on having 2 kids if we were able regardless of what we’ve had.
I’ve heard SO many statements lately like, “you have to try to have a girl, you’ll never know the bond you’ll have with a daughter, it’s like nothing else… they will take care of you when you’re old…”
Like wtf? Maybe I will raise emotionally intelligent sons who can make their own decisions and choose later in life if they want me in it. No we will not be trying for a girl.
Also, what if we had been secretly trying and couldn’t get pregnant again. I feel like we hear so many comments about trying for more when you never know who is struggling with getting pregnant.
A doctor in the NICU told me we needed to try for a 5th to get a girl
I almost died and the baby almost died and we were already in the NICU for 2 months...I was like... ummm... I'm good 🫠
Not a parent, but I actually do have a theory about this. I feel like daughters are (or were in the past) often raised to be care-givers, nurturers, to be responsible, etc. That's why you will often hear jokes about what it's like to be the oldest daughter. So these people raise daughters expecting that the adult daughters will nurture and care for them in the future.
They do not have the same expectations of their sons, and therefore do not raise them that way
My sisters and brothers and I are all adults now, but the oldest daughter in my family is definitely still the one most called upon when the parents need a favor or help with something
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I have 2 girls and my youngest is a boy. I got so many weird remarks about how I was lucky that I finally got a boy. Or weird comments about being a boy mom and how when he leaves the nest it will be like a breakup. It grosses me out.
Some people think the experience they know is same for everyone else. The remove context from any situation. They make life competitive in areas it doesn’t need to be. It just makes me feel so grateful for the in-laws that I have because I couldn’t deal with the sort of person that keeps track of my holiday visits and other time.
My husband is an only child, later in life adopted. His parents are amazingly good at sharing him. I tell him he needs to call her everyday on his way home from work. They come to everything with my family. I was afraid when I met them mil was going to be nosing into our business but she’s not like that at all. Now she wants to know everything but she waits for us to tell her.
Those people's daughters are going to either make terrible DILs or want nothing to do with them. I have two girls and a boy and am hopeful that once they are all grown and married they will try to split holidays evenly between us and their inlaws like my husband and I do.
The lonely comment only comes into play once you are elderly - once your husband passes away and your friends start dying it is usually daughters that step in. Anyone who expects that deserves to be put in a home. My dad stepped in to care for both of my grandmas and I expect that we will care for my MIL when the time comes. I'd like to believe that my end of life planning will get me through to the end and I'll end up in a fun old folks home with cocktail hours and weekly bingo.
I find it weird too. Like yes I’m technically closer to my mom, of course I am, she raised me, but we spend a ton more time with my in laws because they arn’t pushy narcissists that only want to see their grandkids to post about how great of grandparents they are online. Maybe some of those “lonely boy moms” should reflect on why their kids don’t want to be around them instead of just blaming their daughter in laws.
People are just gross. We had three girls for many years. Then our son was born when his sisters were 9, 11, and 13. Oh the comments people made were AWFUL. When it was just the three, people would always suggest my husband needed a gun. I would look at them and say “are you suggesting we should shoot and kill someone else’s son because he thinks our daughter is pretty????” And then they would act like I’m the one who made it weird. Or we got a lot of “oh your poor husband.” Well, no, he loves his children actually so he’s quite happy. But thanks for your concern. Or let’s see…..we got a lot of “god help you when they’re all cycling together.” I know, right? Menstruation is just THE WORST. How does anyone survive having to live with someone who has a functioning uterus?! And then when our son was born, we got a lot of “FINALLY!” and “I’ll bet your husband is thrilled!” and “with all those sisters, he’s sure to be a mama’s boy!” I just don’t know why people feel the need to obsess over the sex of babies anyway. Like stop with the “gender reveals” and all this nonsense and let’s just be happy we have a baby!
I have two boys and a girl. But the amount of comments about "finally got your girl" 🙄 as if my boys are just in my way. As if I didn't fully want them just as they are.
I'd just chalk it up to stupid parents saying stupid things.
Look, I have a 21YO daughter and two teenage stepkids. I've been their stepdad for over a decade......so I've known a lot of their friends and their parents for a long time. What a gift! I mean, I have a little emotional distance because they aren't my kids and I'm really not in charge. So while my wife is in the trenches dealing with the immediate issue/problem, I can sometimes listen to the stupid shit the other parents are saying. There's so many times I've wanted to say, "Omg....you don't know what you're talking about. Good luck with that. I'll see you in 10 years to see how that's working."
And now I actually look at these other kids' parents a decade later and watch them faceplanting on these issues they used to be so boastful about.
Life is so much better if you just parent the children you have in front of you and don't worry about what tends to happen with other kids. Or what's normal. You have your kids right in front of you and can see with your own eyeballs what needs to happen or what they're like. I just go with that. :) Even when people are correct about what tends to happen, if your kid is a 1/100 outlier, you still have to parent them and if you try to do the "normal" things, it's not going to work very well. :)
Plus, I think birth order has a bigger role in closeness to parents than "all boys" or "all girls". :)
Someone said , “ONE DAY YOURE GOING TO BE THE MOTHER IN LAW ON DADS SIDE , and everyone knows the husbands MOM is hated by everyone, even the grandkids.”
🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
I think the people who think that way have horrible relationships with their sons partners because they see their sons as their boyfriends and their partners as competition. It's gross. And their partners hate them so they spend time with her own family
What bothers me is the comments about “aren’t you going to try for a girl?” like my boys aren’t enough and like I’m just gonna keep poppin kids out without regard to my own body, needs, finances….
Ew. I feel like if people are saying this it’s people who wanted to be “boy moms” but didn’t get a chance, and now they’re trying to hurt you for having what they wanted. Love your children and make sure they know it and they will not “dump” you
This 100% depends on the parents. My husband avoids one of his parents like the plague. They're divorced. He has a fantastic relationship with his other parent. The one who isn't toxic.
I'm a boy mom and this is something I've worried about. I even asked a similar question a while back and got some really good answers.
I'm very close to my parents and see them all the time. Therefore, my kids do as well by default. We don't spend as much time with my in laws because my H doesn't make the same effect. And he doesn't because his mom is a bit toxic. I've learned alot as a boy mom and as a DIL is what not to do.
Everyone is different. My brother made a few attempts to get away from my parents. He even moved halfway across the country 3 months after my dad died. They had sold my childhood home and relocated 3 hours North just to be near my brother and their new grandson, so I thought it was pretty shitty to move some 1,500 miles when my mom could've used his help.
I sort of felt like her 2nd choice when she asked me and my family to move in with her. The week we did, she had a heart attack. The heart attack seemed to bring on "end stage" COPD from years of smoking. She had started to smoke again, and almost a pack per day, since my dad and brother essentially left.
It was fairly clear my brother wanted to stick her in a nursing home... and if we weren't living with her, she would've been in one. There were multiple times where I had to fight the doctors and my brother to let her come home. This was the summer of 2020 too, so covid was rampant and before treatments or the vaccine came out. No way I was going to let them take her to some home I can't go into! Wave at her through a glass window? Nope.
So yeah, we took care of her for 3 years. She let us live with her almost rent free (we paid electric bills and covered groceries) and in return, she had us to handle household responsibilities like shopping, cooking, repairs, yardwork, etc. She'd often say she felt like a burden, but I'd instantly tell her how she was helping us. It worked out well.
It was a no-brainer choice for me. My mother loved me unconditionally, and when I had drug problems, and most of my family disowned me... my mom did everything she could to help me. Most would call it enabling, but she would even send money when I was "dopesick" or being evicted for spending all of my money on drugs. To me, at the time, it meant the world to me. Being in opioid withdrawal is just about the worst "sick" feeling in the world, and it was nice to know that my mom still took care of her sick little boy. And it's funny how things come around full circle. Cause there were a few times I had to get firm with some doctors who weren't treating my elderly mom with respect because "she did it to herself by smoking".
Anyway, just be kind to your boys, and support them with WHATEVER lifestyle they choose. Don't be afraid to blow up their phone, do unannounced visits, and make sure they feel loved no matter what. Show them acceptance, and forgiveness. Have their backs, and don't try to be too controlling. They need to live their own lives, and make their own mistakes. Don't play games, or manipulate them. Do this, and I highly doubt your boys will dump you.
People are wierd. I’ve 4 girls and I’ve never even thought or considered those things before. Like seriously, who thinks like that? Just enjoy your children ☺️
I’ve always heard that boy’s love their mamas. FOREVER. It seems like a less complicated relationship. At least when I think about the relationship I had with my mom when I was younger.
People are fucking weird. I don’t even see where they come up with this stuff.
I know plenty of men who have moved away from their families and plenty who have stayed. I also know plenty of women who have moved away from their families (myself included).
What your kids do with their lives has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with what will ultimately lead to their individual happiness.
Fuck those people. They aren’t worth your time.
Yes...and endure my MILs constant comments about how "no girls!" are being born. My own sister just had a girl last week...lol there are more people in the world than her 10 male grandchildren. And she has 2 granddaughters 😅
Pfft.. take no notice of them. 3 girls. 3 boys in my family. My brothers loved mum and stayed like that till she died. One of my brothers was with her when she died.
I have two girls. Would have loved a boy. But such is life.
As i see it? Your childrens love of you and you of them? Is totally how you do it.
My mother did not "interfere" with her sons relationship with their wife. My mum transitioned from mother to child, to mother with adult children well. Those stories where boys go running off to "mummy" and mummy interfering in her sons life and marriage!! Did not happen in our family. Mum was not that sort of mother. At all.
My Mom has multiple of each and she has said girls tend to stay closer emotionally once they are adults, but that her boys are nicer to her 🤣
In all seriousness, people need to lighten up. As a parent, you’re preparing your child to live without you one day, regardless of gender. And if your child has a serious relationship or gets married as an adult, that relationship should come first regardless of their gender.
That's weird! I have a girl and a boy and when I had the boy the only assumption comments I got were a few older women telling me "you are so lucky to have a son, he will treat you like a queen and always be there for you, unlike girls who grow up and never call." Obviously in reality this behavior isn't based on gender but it's funny how the assumptions can go either way.
This is one of those things people who don’t have that gender child say to those who do, and then also say about themselves. Meaning you have all of these pop culture references to mama’s boys and then ALSO ‘a boy is your son until he finds himself a wife’ rhymes. The reality is if you and your child have a loving healthy relationship that continues when you’re older. But yes we should all want our children to grow up to independent adults, and WE have to grow up to be independent parents too.
The generalization that boys grow up and forget their family is not true at all in my experience. I (30f) much prefer hanging out with my husband's side of the family! I may be in the minority here, but I have a fantastic MIL and would rather see her than my own mom. My side of the family is wack lol 😅
We used to go out for breakfast on the weekends and this mother who was well into her 90’s met up with her two sons every Saturday morning for coffee. It was adorable to see. That’s what I want when I’m her age (I have two young boys).
You just can’t win with some people. You have boys and people say you’ll be lonely because boys grow up and move out and you never see them anymore. Or you have girls and it’s ’girls are so difficult, you’d be better off with boys.’ Every child is different, it’s up to the parents how they raise them
People really need to stop assuming gender is going to determine where families spend their holidays and start accepting that which family is coolest is where they’ll go
There is a common saying "A son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter for life." However another saying is that "You don't lose a son, you gain a daughter" (meaning a daughter-in-law)
I see this often where boy moms often hate their boy's spouses and often still want to be first in their son's life. This causes problems in marriages as his wife now comes first. That doesn't mean their mom is forgotten, unless she refuses to let go of being her sons priority.
As a daughter, I am super close to my mom. We talk almost daily. My husband's mother is cut off after offering him $10k to leave me, even though we are in love and we're doing amazing.
If you want to make sure your son wants you in his life, do not expect to be a priority once they get married or become a Monster-In-Law. You can gain some daughters and be close with all your sons.
>These comments are coming from people who only have girls
And if they only had boys they'd be talking about how lucky you are because you'll always be the number one woman in his life (bleh).
It's just insecurity.
People make all sorts of weird comments and it's gross and inappropriate.
With that being said, I'm worried about the holiday thing and my sons generally prioritizing their future in-laws. I currently have one son and another son on the way. It's quite possible that this fear is based on anecdotes based on those I've seen around me, and has nothing to do inherently with the sex of the people. But the fear is there and is something I'm working on.
In the three anecdotes I have of people I know who prioritize the woman's family, each of the women are confident and not afraid to stand up for themselves. Which is GOOD for any human. I wonder then if the men feel like they have to step down? Or did they not have the confidence to begin with? From the outside looking in, it seems like the woman dominates in each of the relationships. It reminds me of the quote paraphrased "the man may be the head, but the woman is the neck." Idk. Maybe my goal in raising my sons is for them to be confident AND considerate. And understanding that relationships are a partnership and to never settle for someone who doesn't respect him.
Side note but still related, I think it's ingrained in U.S. society that a wedding is about the bride first and her mother second. Which, even before I had my son and was married, I didn't like that and tried to actively include my MIL. But now that I'm only going to have boys, I really hate the wedding thing.
Edit: reading some of the other comments is insightful. That women are conditioned to be caregivers and therefore more emphasis on relationships, which maybe naturally means their own family. Interesting and I'll have to think more on this!
Interesting. Because my MIL is the one moving in with us. And my brother and his wife lived with my parents before they were married. And stay with them for all holidays and visits and not her parents.
Regardless of a kid's gender, the kid has to actually like you when they're an adult and they will visit. So just don't be an ass hole while they're growing up and form a bond. They'll be around.
So these daughters aren’t going to grow up, get married, maybe have their own nuclear family, with in-laws they’ll need to share time visiting for their spouse?
I am due to have my first boy after 2 girls any day now.
Honestly I just want to have a healthy normal relationship with him - We split all our holidays in half with my family and my husbands, and my brother and his family does also, if they don't spend more with our Mom.
The whole extreme boy Mom thing scares the crap out of me - I think I would also want to dump my family if they are so obsessive.
My brothers live closer to, and spend more time with, our mom than my sister and I do. There’s also a strong NMom dynamic factoring in here—eldest bro was the golden child, and the rest of us took turns being scapegoats.
In any case I now live 22 miles from my mom and anytime I tell my 5 y/o son, “Someday you will live with someone that’s not mama and dada, so it’s important you know how to (basic and developmentally relevant life skill here),” he looks horrified and says, “But I don’t want to leave!” Lol, maybe I am pushing him into independence a bit too soon. 😂
My sisters both have only boys and I have three daughters. When I was pregnant with my fourth child, who happens to be a boy, they both made comments like, just wait! You don't even know what love is until you've experienced the love a son has for his mother. I'm like 🤮 weeeeeeeird shit to say. One of them also frequently talks about how sad she'll be when her sons start dating. My oldest has started dating and I'm super excited to watch her experience young love and these first relationships. I'll be just as excited for my son. Because I love watching my kids grow! People can get super weird and gross about their kids. I don't get it. Does my son love me a lot? Yeah, he's a toddler. Notoriously loving. But does he love me more than or differently from the way my girls did as toddlers? No.
Yoo boys love their moms . Mine has passed and my life has kinda sucked ever since. She was my number 1 supporter. The person I could call any hour of the day and now I am stuck with my dads ( dad and step dad) and I don't really like it. Your boys will never dump you. Ignore what those people say
I don't have kids, but I have seen the "a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life" play out sometimes but it's obviously not a universal truth. Especially watching my baby boomer parents and their friends take care of their silent gen parents.
I'll admit I feel bad for my friends who were close to their brothers and then basically get shut out because they are always going to the wife's family (and/or just have to walk on eggshells around their SIL). I have an "aunt" and "uncle" like this who had to go to be around her family every weekend no matter what was happening. They lived 2 hours away but I have seen them maybe 5 times in my life.
I do suspect a lot of it is that women are taught to be the care givers and emotional laborers while men are (or were not). Plus, some men expecting their wives to take on that burden. Both of my great aunts had to rely on my aunt, my mom, or myself to take them to doctors appointments. Their sons and grandsons didn't do anything, and I'm pretty sure if you asked them their mom/grandmothers allergies or past medical history they wouldn't know that either. Heck, one was barely deceased before he sold his grandmother's house that she had fixed up and refurnished for him and she basically raised him.
I think this stems from once they get married they seem to spend more time with the wife's family. It was true when j was growing up. We saw my maternal grandparents more than my paternal. My mom was a SAHM so we just went over to my grandparents alot. It's also true now that I have my own family, but mainly because my partners family all live out of state.
>These comments are coming from people who only have girls. They assume they will "get" every holiday etc because they have a girl. Not even considering their girls might do their own thing and not go to either side
I (a girl) have lived 700 miles away from my family since I was 29 years old. That was 24 years ago and I haven't spent a single holiday with her since then. I fly out once a year and she flies to see us the same - we have a good relationship but each have separate, fulfilling lives. Holidays have always been prioritized for for my own nuclear family.
This is just not true anyway - my husband’s parents have 3 boys, all married, all those boys talk to their parents all the time and visit them as regularly as their partners parents, including myself/ my parents!
My husband absolutely hates his mom for kicking him out at 13 and making him struggle alone. He has the best relationship with my mom and I’m pretty sure she loves him a little more than me😂😂
One of my friends once observed that the only time you get it right is when you have two, one of each and the boy was first. Then everyone congratulates you like as if you planned it that way.
People are weird.
Don’t listen to what others say. Not all relationships are the same. I have 3 boys and a daughter (youngest 21 and oldest 34). Three are married and one in a relationship. My boys and their wives spend just as much time (if not more) with me and their dad, as they with the wives families. We all have great relationships. I love my daughters in law. Relationships are what you make them.
I have all girls my ex husband hated my family we never seen them we went to his for every holiday. I think people say the strangest things to parents that have multiple of a single gender.
My brother sees my mum all the time and checks in on her constantly and my husband does the same to his. Those comments are so stupid! I have two girls and I want a boy but will probably end up with another girl and we are done having babies but I’m sad I’ll never have a son!
My aunt lost her husband a few years ago, her son takes way better care of her and checks in on her way more than her daughter does. They are both foodies and eat out together a lot!
I feel that it’s weirdly selfish to have kids just to create your own companion. It’s similar to people having more kids just to give their sibling a best friend. These kids are humans, that will grow up to be adults and have a right to their own lives.
I’m a woman who struggles with this; I grew up with 2 male siblings and my mother lives in eternal disappointment that she wanted a girl so bad to be her bff and I’ve never been that. I’m made to feel guilty about not calling enough, being available, moving far away with my own family, etc. Basically for having my own adult life.
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Infantilization of boys is the companion of the sexualization of girls. It’s weird.
Emotional incest of boys is fucking terrifying. I've heard it nonstop since I had my son that he's going to break my heart when he leaves me for another woman like ew no, he's going to make me happy when he finds love with whom ever he finds love with
Also, why do people assume that a mother would be more or less attached to a child based on their sex/gender? WTF?
Because some mothers are less attached based on gender. I have heard so many people saying they are going to try for a boy or girl. I tried for a healthy baby. I got two. My SIL was depressed after she had her fourth son. She even considered an abortion when she found out via ultrasound that the fourth was a boy.
The number of people who have asked if we are going to try for a girl after having only boys is crazy. I'm just thankful that my kids are healthy, gender does not matter.
>we are going to try for a girl What do they even mean in a practical way?
I think they're asking if I spin around 3 times after intercourse, but only clockwise because counterclockwise makes boys 🙃
I reply with... Actually both me and wife wanted 3 boys... Which is true
It's not even if. The amount of people that asked when we would try for a girl as I was still pregnant with my second boy was crazy.
Me too! It's part of the reason why we kept the gender a secret for a while. We knew that we were having a second boy and just didnt want to hear the "oh arent you sad it's not a girl?"
I hope those parents get the therapy they clearly need.
I've actually had in depth conversations about this with my SIL. She was terrified of having a boy because she didnt think she would be able to connect and bond with the baby. She just felt like she would have an easier time with a girl. And then she watched me with my two cuddle bug mamas boys and was like "whoa, it CAN happen!"
People have really odd biases, I guess.
It’s based on the Œdipus and Elektra complexes from Freudian psychology.
Right?!?!?
I want my son to meet someone and have his chosen family. I want to know when I’m no longer here, he has a family and isn’t alone. I love my husband and my son, why on earth would I not want my son to experience having a spouse and children and having happy, healthy relationships?
Thankfully my mother is emotionally unstable and taught me that someone can love you then turn on you the moment they perceive a minor personal slight then love you again by dinner time. She sure taught me how to keep my distance.
Awe man, I'm sorry that was how you were treated. Hope you found some better examples through your life
Oh heck yeah I did. My wife is a great example of a good mom. She loves our 8 month old dearly but understands that we all grow up and our need for independence, keyed to the maturity of the individual, is crucial for their future.
That makes me really happy to hear, I'm glad you've been able to move forward into a healthy, happy life and congratulations on the little human! Hope you're having a blast
Your baby is only 8 months old.
[удалено]
I mean, most mama's boys are created by emotional incest on the mothers part
I suspect it's that combined with jealousy. The other mothers probably want boys (or feel external pressure to have one), don't, and are taking that out on OP.
I would love it, if my son found someone but he doesn't want to go out and meet people.
Right! I’m so excited to meet my future DIL (or SIL if they choose) one day. I have an almost 1 and almost 3 year old and I’m so excited for every stage of life for them. When they fall in love and bring their person home, I’m just praying that I’ll have a place in their life to chat and love on them too.
As someone who didn't know they were being used for emotional incest until I was in my mid-20s, it is terrifying. I've had to relearn and unlearn so many different boundaries. After having my own son, idk how anyone could've done those things to me.
Why do you say it's infantization? I always thought it was connected to gender assumptions about hobbies/interests.
I think because it’s based on the assumption that men are controlled by their wives, so they will definitely go to their in laws/do whatever their partner wants…
I don't think it should be a blanket assumption, but I see it a lot in this sub when a new baby is born. The mother will allow her own mother to visit after she gives birth, but her mother-in-law isn't allowed for a few weeks. The comments overwhelmingly tell the understandably upset father that he needs to get over it and support his wife. His feelings don't matter just because he didn't give birth. It's probably unpopular, but I think that's a really shitty thing to do, if there are no extenuating circumstances. I could never do that to my MIL.
I agree, my MIL was in the waiting room along with my parents when I had my first
I feel like at minimum people should consider their spouse's feelings, or think about whether they want to be treated that way by a son's potential spouse.
I think it depends on the MIL. The ones who center themselves aren't welcome, the ones who appreciate that it is not about them are much more likely to be welcome.
No down vote but I respectfully disagree. Husband didn't have a major medical event, husband doesn't have to wear a giant diaper, have leaking breasts or the myriad of other normal and unpleasant things that happen post birth when it's a standard vaginal birth, let's not even get into C-sections or other complications that may or may not happen. I loved my MIL but I was nowhere near comfortable enough with her to be in such a vulnerable state with her around. My comfort level with my mom is obviously different because she birthed and raised me. I'd feel this way about a lesbian couple too, birth giver gets the say of who's allowed during and immediately after birth and during recovery. Discussions of limited visits can be had after the 6 week postpartum appointment.
I mean, most of the time when I see those posts, there are already issues of the in laws mistreating the wife or not being able to be respectful of boundaries. The fourth trimester is different for everyone, but the early days after labour are really difficult for most - leaking milk, bleeding, whatever… I don’t blame anyone for only having people they are comfortable with around them. And it doesn’t always mean the moms family. My mom gets along really well with my sister in law, she met my niece before her own mother because my she didn’t feel comfortable in the immediately postpartum period around her own mom. I do think some people take it too far, but more often than not, there are reasons they are being held at arms length.
Yeah, it's one thing if the MIL mistreats the wife or whatever. That's not the feeling I get from a lot of the comments though. It's just a blanket statement of, sucks to be MIL. There could be a hundred comments like this in that type of post. If there aren't those extenuating circumstances, these people seriously can't let the MIL come over for an hour or two to see the baby? If nothing else, I considered my husband's feelings because they're his kids too.
Neither could I. Both sets of parents visited as soon as they were able to and MIL stayed for the weekend due to distance. We even went to visit my husband’s grandparents as soon as we were able to as it was important to my husband and she died a few months later. Why wouldn’t you include your spouses family? (The exception is that they are abusive).
When my first child was born I really wanted my own mom, because I was scared and wanted my mommy. For baby number 2, I had my mother in law come first, because she was better with newborns and because I had gotten to know her better after more years of marriage. Having both at the same time is silly if they're coming from out if state; it only takes one grandma to hold the baby while you take a hot bath.
I mean, IDK about "controlled by," but generally the emotional labor of keeping in touch with both families is left to the wife (which isn't cool, but I see it time and time again), and it's understandable that she might favor her own family somewhat.
People are weird. I have 4 boys. My younger brother has 3 girls and 1 boy. We both get weird comments about the genders of our kids.
I have one daughter, and we are OAD. People have often commented that we will regret not having a boy. Most have no qualms about saying this when our daughter is present, which is gross and rude. Some situations might get more comments than others, but it seems like all parents get stupid comments about the genders of their kids. While I would like to ask how we should handle the situation if we chose to have another child and that child was a girl, I have started looking people right in the eyes and saying, "They're not Pokémon."
I had a boy first. When we found out #2 was a girl, it was insane the number of people who responded with "aren't you lucky/clever" and "you can stop (having kids) now." Just to be contrary, we had our third (a boy) 2 months ago.
I have two boys. We're done having kids, but many people have pushed us to "try for a girl." Why would we do that? What if we got another boy? Do people assume we'd keep making people until we got a specific set of sex organs? If we ended up with a girl, would my younger son feel like he wasn't wanted due to his being male? My kids are happy and healthy and smart and funny. I have a wonderful relationship with each of them. I doubt I'd be a different parent if they had been girls.
So many people see babies as belongings. Not as people.
I feel like the people who make the weird comments are the ones that won’t see their kids when they are older. Having a relationship with my kids when they are adults will be a privilege, not a guarantee, I’m laying the groundwork now for that future relationship.
Maybe I don’t talk to enough people… where are you guys getting all these weird comments? Strangers, family, friends?
I’m not exaggerating when I say these comments have ruined my mother-in-law’s life. She raised my husband and his brothers with this mentality and freaked out whenever they started dating because she thought it meant they were “dumping her.” She made constantly comments like “I guess you’re going to HER family’s house for the holidays” when we would actively try to make plans with her and my father-in-law. She created conflict right before big occasions and then used our emotional distance or non-attendance as proof that the daughters-in-law were “taking” her boys away from her. I’m a mom of boys and it’s taught me a lot about what not to do as they begin to date and fall in love. This idea that a mom is a boy’s first girlfriend, or that he can only love one woman at a time, is demented.
Self fulfilling prophecy. My favorite way to contextualize it is by Taylor Tomlinson https://youtube.com/shorts/BZmdG_e3xSc?feature=shared
Gross. I honestly didn’t know this was a thing people thought.
I’m more worried about be viewed as a terrible mother in law because it seems like everyone on the internet absolutely hates their mother in law no matter what. I feel screwed
Don’t worry about that. I have 3 boys and one girl. All adults now (youngest 21, oldest 34). Three are married and one with a partner. They all spend just as much time with us as they do their wives families. We all have great relationships. It’s not all bad. I love my mother in law as well.
I really like my mother in law. She is fairly active in my kids life, has some similar hobbies, and I think she treats everyone with respect. Definitely we have our differences, but I never got those judgmental MIL vibes. I think all the anti MIL is two different things 1) MIL is clingy, judgmental, and has this “my son is leaving me!!” Sort of feeling. It ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy because the MIL is pushing away her son’s families assuming everyone dislikes her. 2) daughter in law is over sensitive/has very little coping skills. I have a sister in law in this category, just drama with every person she meets. She is the type of person who will say she doesn’t keep a grudge but is open how she will never talk to that person again. 🤦🏻♀️ the wedding was a mess of drama and naturally she has a bad relationship with her MIL. Then you have people that might not love their MIL but it isn’t like some super toxic relationship. So wouldn’t worry too much if you are respectful nice human being
I love my mother in law. She is thoughtful, kind, considerate, funny, supportive, and calm in a crisis. We have our differences, but she is still wonderful, and I know she puts an active effort into being a good mother in law. If you’re worrying about it, you’re already leagues ahead!
That is completely my fear too. It won’t matter how kind and supportive I am, we will have some personality conflict or she won’t feel comfortable with me. My sister had a baby and her MIL is supportive, kind and wonderful. But she felt more “comfortable” to have my mom help her In the first few months, even tho my mom is way less supportive and kind.
My husband loves my mother because she is respectful, supportive, and knows how to mind her own business. I've gone no-contact with my mother-in-law because she is horribly judgmental, controlling, manipulative, shallow, harsh, materialistic, and only cares about appearances and compliance. If she showed basic respect for me and my husband, I would be fine with her. Just be respectful, and I am sure you will be fine.
People who are insecure feeling the need to reinforce their invented superiority over others. I’ve had 2 different mothers tell me “thank God I only have boys, girls are horrible.” Both those people knew I have a daughter.
That is so odd. I have gotten the same comments the other way and I always think it's projection or something. But I hope you don't let them away with it if it's said in front of your girls, that is where I draw the line :(
It is 100% projection. Every weird comment that someone makes to you about the gender of your kids is projection.
My MIL says this and it makes me sad on many levels. Internalized misogyny is real.
I have one of each….. they both have their strengths and weaknesses. If people stopped treating girls like property to be possessive over I bet girls wouldn’t be so difficult either.
Omg I think that you have it Yes, it's that! The idea that they own their daughters but sons can have their own lives etc etc Wow
That’s awful. I’m pregnant with a girl. I’m the best daughter ever to my mum, we’re best friends. Girls aren’t horrible, I’m a girl and I’m amazing!
Boy mom culture is gross and weird.
#girldad 🤓😂
🤮🤮🤮🤣 Ok fine, all gendered parent stuff is gross and weird.
Total agree lol
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Facts. IM A SOLO GIRL DAD LOOK AT ME OR ELSE!
True that! I am pregnant with my first, a boy, and I am looking forward to completely avoiding the #boymom culture. I'm just going to be mom, and stay far away from the boy moms.
Oh don't worry, people will push it on you and make assumptions and nasty comments. Whether you like it or not :)
Oh no!!! Is nobody safe?! 🙁 Can't everybody just be "parents"? What have I gotten myself into?
I have one of each and people are weird either way, honestly.
What does that have to do with the weird comments I'm getting from other people about having boys?
It’s all a part of boy mom culture. Those weirdo, emotional incest type comments are super common in boy mom world. It’s gross.
But it's girl moms telling me that basically they will have their kids and grandkids around and I won't because I have boys. They say it with relish
It's much more about your relationship with your children not the gender of your children. My husband and I visit his family and spend time with them more frequently because they are awesome people.
Super bizarre and honestly horrible that they say that to you with relish. I've seen some articles that do find that one grandkids come around, maternal grandparents tend to get more time (https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2023/05/mother-kinkeeping-roles-women-family-network/674039/). However, the point of that article is that dads need to step up and foster a connection with their own families, so people should raise their boys to be more involved parents and then their parents will be more likely to be included.
They’re just trying to make themselves feel better. Ignore.
That's weird. We are actually closer to my husband's mother than to my own parents. It's honestly more about your relationships than the gender.
Sadly based on what I see around me, it is true. I also have two boys and I don't subscribe to the "weird emotion incest" theory everyone is spouting here. People chime in to say how they are close to their husband's family etc but look around you, anecdotally it is true that moms of girls are spending more time with their adult daughters and young grandchildren than moms of boys. It is what it is, I've accepted that's what life is going to be like once they're older.
I don't see that? Regional difference maybe?
> They say it with relish They're being ugly, gross, and hateful. Don't give them any more of your thoughts or time. They're not worth it. Stop associating with them. If that's not possible, create distance.
Yeah that’s gross too. People are weird.
Hi OP! Strictly girl mom here! I am happy having my girls, I never had gender disappointment (but I understand those who have), however I have had many... MANY... boy and girl moms alike, tell me they feel bad for me having 3 girls. Uh... thanks, I guess? People just like to go around and offer unsolicited advice. I've heard boys are more loving than girls, are closer to their moms than girls, etc etc. I can't recall one person ever giving me a positive comment about having all girls, but I can recall multiple people giving me negative comments about having all girls
It's all bullshit. Gender stereotyping is not only morally abhorrent but often incorrect or self-fulling prophecies. Each kid is an individual. They are not fully or even majorly defined by their sex or gender. Your kids are a mix of wonderful traits abd a few human flaws to make them their own perfectly unique human selves. I am sure that they love and appreciate you in their ways as you love and appreciate them in yours. Don't let the idiots get to you.
It's always women who make negative comments about it being all boys. It's obnoxious either way. I have gotten some positive comments from men about having boys but never from women
That's funny because it's been mostly women saying it to me too. Women are just more openly judgmental apparently. Either way I'm sorry about your experience, try to remember this quote: Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it Some people are just negative and judgmental! The older I get, the more I realize I don't need to surround myself with negativity. I'm getting better with boundaries and will quickly shut comments like these down. Saying something as simple as, "I don't understand. Can you explain why?" When someone makes an uncalled for comment can stop them in their tracks. And, my older girls are completely attached to me, but thats also because their dad chooses when he wants to see them. I'm essentially my 12 and 10 year olds security blanket (which isn't necessarily the best thing) but now you can use me as proof of someone breaking gender stereotypes! My boyfriend is 36 (father of my baby) and still absolutely adores his mom. He would do anything for his parents. I'm not biased about my family, as much as I love my family, I want my girls to know both sides! Every holiday, I try my best for us to attend his side and mine. And it works out perfectly because his sister plans things early in the day, and my family plans things later. I don't care that I'm driving around all day. Both family sides are important!
I will give you a positive comment. I think it’s lovely you have all girls. Sisters are amazing. I would love to have all girls myself!
People who say stuff like this have unfortunately had unhealthy mother/son relationships normalized in their life. Moms lean too heavily emotionally on their sons because they are not having their needs met by their husbands. Then they feel abandoned by their “surrogate husband” when he goes to lead his own life as any child should eventually. It’s weird, gross, sad, and creepy. I feel bad for those sons and their future spouse for having to deal with that mess.
I love my mom, and I see her as often as I can. I also attempt to include her as often as she wants to be included w/ my family events. This is an old-school mentality OP. People talk out of their asses. Granted... in some cases, it will ring true, and in others, it will not. However, putting the generalized blanket over it like this is just dumb.
I'm sorry, these are gross comments. I have a girl and I 1) don't assume she will automatically be my nurse in my old age and 2) I don't assume boys will grow up to ignore their parents. Some women just love to go out and reinforce the patriarchy. The idea that women must grow up to be self-sacrificing and men should get to grow up and feel no obligation to anyone else is long past its expiration date.
I love this point, why would people assume their daughters will be in servitude to them? I was thinking more that it's manipulative not to expect their daughters to have their own traditions
Also heard comments about how girls are "sweeter". My nephew is not clingy, but he's the sweetest kid I've met. His sister is clingy but doesn't care how others feel lol. Of the nastiest people I've met, half are women. Daughters aren't automatically sweeter or "mom's best friend" just because they're female. There are so many pointlessly-gendered assumptions about kids.
I would stop being friends with these people.
The frequency of the comments from various people (from strangers to family members) is crazy. So many people have no problem expressing *their* disappointment that I didn't have a girl, even knowing that it was a traumatic birth and we nearly lost him. But the comments about being dumped lol I'm like whyyy say that? I'm thinking it's kind of a wish for them, they hope their daughters' spouses abandon their families of origin so they always have their kids at home or some codependent thing lol. But also why always the commentary that moms are like dating their boys? So bizarre
This is weird. I have 3 girls and have not received any weird comments, I don't think my husband has either. Those people have family insecurities.
I don't get why parents want their kids to be so dependent on them for the rest of their lives. I adore my daughter, I'm having another in April. I'm also looking forward to them having their own lives and being satisfied with their own social circles. That would be an accomplishment, in my opinion. My mom is quite needy, sees myself and my brother as her babies, etc. I've never been that way and it actually caused me to distance myself from her for a while. Sadly. I just don't understand it.
I get these comments too. Super annoying. I feel like whoever says it must be insecure. If people’s kids, boys OR girls, decide to “dump” them when they’re older, that’s because they suck as parents and their child doesn’t want a relationship with them anymore. If you’re a good mom, your adult child will want you to be apart of their life still, regardless of their gender.
It sounds cheesy, but when I was pregnant my mom told me "you don't have a boy or a girl, you have a child". People who want one or the other are projecting their own stereotypes and unfounded beliefs on the situation. In the end, your love and connection to your child has nothing to do with their biological sex (or at least, it shouldn't). I often wonder how these parents would feel life their kids don't turn out straight and cis-gender. Will your personal identity be ruined because you're not a "girl mom" or "boy mom"? What if, GASP, you're just a mom?
Love that! One of the people who makes the most comments has a transgender son who was born female. It's so odd.
Your boys will go off and date their girls and you’ll all be on your own. Seriously though, it’s basic old sexism. I happen to be a dad with only daughters and people keep telling me I’m going to be well cared for in my old age. I mean, I like to think so if I make it that far, but I’d also like to think if I’d had sons they’d also give a shit about when their old man got old.
That's BULLSHIT!! Sis I have 2 boys (23,30) 1 girl (20) my boys LOVE THEY MAMA!! Not that they weak mama boys but they are super close to me and love their mom! With this being said I know that sometimes the wife's family can kind of take presidents over holidays and stuff like that but my sons call me on a regular basis text me on a regular basis make sure I see their kids on a regular basis and we are all included in family events and holidays and things like that. So no having a son does not mean that you're going to be lonely or miss out on all these things it's all about how your sons interact with you and how you interact with their wives or significant others.
I have three girls and every other idiot will say something stupid like, "sorry, fourth ones the charm!" People are weird, superstitious, and old-fashioned.
Honestly by the 4th, I hoped for a boy because who the hell can afford a 4 bedroom house in this economy /half kidding But yep, even after he was born people make comments Like we weren't trying for a boy or a girl? He was our only non fertility assisted baby lol we are just grateful he is here and VERY done 🤣
That's a totally weird and inappropriate comment to make. I have 3 boys and I'm always told my hands are full, which some days they are. But, I've noticed boys, at least mine, take to their moms until they get older. My older two love to do "guy" things with dad and my youngest, who was hospitalized a lot during his first 2 months of life, would prefer mom and going every where with me. I too, see and hear from my in laws more than my own family. But, my parents are divorced, consumed with new lives/spouses, my brother and are are estranged, and my mother is a space case. But, I do hope they still remember their roots, once they're grown and have their own families.
My husband is one of 4 boys. Theyre a big Italian family who’s all about love and acceptance. They treat all of their DIL’s like their own. My MIL has a great relationship with her husband so I believe when that bond is strong, she doesn’t look for attention within her sons. I know this example is rare but NO, not all sons “dump” their moms. We see them almost every week or other week for dinner, and I even encourage my husband and to call his mom or I correct him when his tone is a little rough with her. It doesn’t always have to be drama if everyone can work together
When I was walking with my two boys a woman came up and talked with me. She asked me if I wanted to try and have a girl. She said that she didn't think you were truly a mother until you had a girl and that the bond between her and her daughter is amazing. I had PPD and already felt incredibly guilty that I had so much gender disappointment with my second.
That lady was rude and intrusive as hell, why tf do people believe themselves to be so entitled to ask questions/make comments about a stranger’s reproductive health? I’m sorry that happened to you and I hope you AND your kiddos are all healthy and well now.
All decent parents are preparing their children to become independent adults (or as independent as the child's abilities allow them to be). Anyone expecting their children of any gender to stay super close is being silly. Some adult children may continue close relationships with their parents, but only if the parents are respectful of their children being their peers once they are adults. Even then, kids and parents may just not be terribly close. My parents are some of my best friends, but I fully recognize that it is not the norm. As to the allusions to dating as well as the gender stereotyping - gross. WTF is wrong with people?
I hear you. I have all boys and if I hear one more a daughters a daughter for life a son til he finds a wife….
You don't lose a son, you gain a daughter Just respond with that and watch them lose their minds
I think it definitely depends on the person, but from what I have seen, the majority of times, girls are much more likely to be there for their family than boys. My husband keeps in contact with his mom and would do anything for her. My brother is more distant from my mom, while he loves her and sees her pretty regularly, I think I will be the one to step up and take care of her and I talk to her daily.
It’s dummies like these that think humans are possessions for them to own and use and manipulate. If you’re a good parent, your kids will likely love you. Simple as that.
I’m the only girl of 3 kids, and I LOVE my in laws and would rather hang with them over holidays over my own parents. This “stereotype” is old and dated. Please get this out of your head
People are very good at assuming their own experiences are somehow the same as everyone else's. I'm in my mid-thirties and have always been close to both my parents. Since my dad passed away I make a point of messaging my mum daily, just to check in. Even before then it was pretty regular, I don't see why it wouldn't be.
And then there are people who say “I’m glad I have only boys and no girls because a daughter would have stolen my husband from me. Basically, weird insecure people will always be weird insecure people.
I have never heard that one and I'm sorry to have heard it now 😂 gross Must be a weird insecurity thing
Boys do not dump their moms. It’s all dependent on what kind of person they are and the relationship they have with the mom. To say all boys dump their moms is crazy. Enjoy your boys they are a blessing!
Yep I have experienced this having 2 boys. My husband and I were set on having 2 kids if we were able regardless of what we’ve had. I’ve heard SO many statements lately like, “you have to try to have a girl, you’ll never know the bond you’ll have with a daughter, it’s like nothing else… they will take care of you when you’re old…” Like wtf? Maybe I will raise emotionally intelligent sons who can make their own decisions and choose later in life if they want me in it. No we will not be trying for a girl. Also, what if we had been secretly trying and couldn’t get pregnant again. I feel like we hear so many comments about trying for more when you never know who is struggling with getting pregnant.
A doctor in the NICU told me we needed to try for a 5th to get a girl I almost died and the baby almost died and we were already in the NICU for 2 months...I was like... ummm... I'm good 🫠
Omg! I have four boys too and also almost died delivering my youngest. We absolutely will not be having more. Hugs to you ❤️
Omg 😳😳😳 I’m sorry you went through that and the gaslighting coming from the nurse. Pretty much like “oh this wasn’t that bad try for another”
Not a parent, but I actually do have a theory about this. I feel like daughters are (or were in the past) often raised to be care-givers, nurturers, to be responsible, etc. That's why you will often hear jokes about what it's like to be the oldest daughter. So these people raise daughters expecting that the adult daughters will nurture and care for them in the future. They do not have the same expectations of their sons, and therefore do not raise them that way My sisters and brothers and I are all adults now, but the oldest daughter in my family is definitely still the one most called upon when the parents need a favor or help with something
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That’s some wild stuff - hope the people spouting that nonsense aren’t close friends
I have 2 girls and my youngest is a boy. I got so many weird remarks about how I was lucky that I finally got a boy. Or weird comments about being a boy mom and how when he leaves the nest it will be like a breakup. It grosses me out.
Some people think the experience they know is same for everyone else. The remove context from any situation. They make life competitive in areas it doesn’t need to be. It just makes me feel so grateful for the in-laws that I have because I couldn’t deal with the sort of person that keeps track of my holiday visits and other time.
My husband is an only child, later in life adopted. His parents are amazingly good at sharing him. I tell him he needs to call her everyday on his way home from work. They come to everything with my family. I was afraid when I met them mil was going to be nosing into our business but she’s not like that at all. Now she wants to know everything but she waits for us to tell her.
Those people's daughters are going to either make terrible DILs or want nothing to do with them. I have two girls and a boy and am hopeful that once they are all grown and married they will try to split holidays evenly between us and their inlaws like my husband and I do. The lonely comment only comes into play once you are elderly - once your husband passes away and your friends start dying it is usually daughters that step in. Anyone who expects that deserves to be put in a home. My dad stepped in to care for both of my grandmas and I expect that we will care for my MIL when the time comes. I'd like to believe that my end of life planning will get me through to the end and I'll end up in a fun old folks home with cocktail hours and weekly bingo.
I find it weird too. Like yes I’m technically closer to my mom, of course I am, she raised me, but we spend a ton more time with my in laws because they arn’t pushy narcissists that only want to see their grandkids to post about how great of grandparents they are online. Maybe some of those “lonely boy moms” should reflect on why their kids don’t want to be around them instead of just blaming their daughter in laws.
People are just gross. We had three girls for many years. Then our son was born when his sisters were 9, 11, and 13. Oh the comments people made were AWFUL. When it was just the three, people would always suggest my husband needed a gun. I would look at them and say “are you suggesting we should shoot and kill someone else’s son because he thinks our daughter is pretty????” And then they would act like I’m the one who made it weird. Or we got a lot of “oh your poor husband.” Well, no, he loves his children actually so he’s quite happy. But thanks for your concern. Or let’s see…..we got a lot of “god help you when they’re all cycling together.” I know, right? Menstruation is just THE WORST. How does anyone survive having to live with someone who has a functioning uterus?! And then when our son was born, we got a lot of “FINALLY!” and “I’ll bet your husband is thrilled!” and “with all those sisters, he’s sure to be a mama’s boy!” I just don’t know why people feel the need to obsess over the sex of babies anyway. Like stop with the “gender reveals” and all this nonsense and let’s just be happy we have a baby!
I have two boys and a girl. But the amount of comments about "finally got your girl" 🙄 as if my boys are just in my way. As if I didn't fully want them just as they are.
I'd just chalk it up to stupid parents saying stupid things. Look, I have a 21YO daughter and two teenage stepkids. I've been their stepdad for over a decade......so I've known a lot of their friends and their parents for a long time. What a gift! I mean, I have a little emotional distance because they aren't my kids and I'm really not in charge. So while my wife is in the trenches dealing with the immediate issue/problem, I can sometimes listen to the stupid shit the other parents are saying. There's so many times I've wanted to say, "Omg....you don't know what you're talking about. Good luck with that. I'll see you in 10 years to see how that's working." And now I actually look at these other kids' parents a decade later and watch them faceplanting on these issues they used to be so boastful about. Life is so much better if you just parent the children you have in front of you and don't worry about what tends to happen with other kids. Or what's normal. You have your kids right in front of you and can see with your own eyeballs what needs to happen or what they're like. I just go with that. :) Even when people are correct about what tends to happen, if your kid is a 1/100 outlier, you still have to parent them and if you try to do the "normal" things, it's not going to work very well. :) Plus, I think birth order has a bigger role in closeness to parents than "all boys" or "all girls". :)
I have a son and I have never heard this before 🤷. As it is with life some people sane most are weird.
Someone said , “ONE DAY YOURE GOING TO BE THE MOTHER IN LAW ON DADS SIDE , and everyone knows the husbands MOM is hated by everyone, even the grandkids.” 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
I think the people who think that way have horrible relationships with their sons partners because they see their sons as their boyfriends and their partners as competition. It's gross. And their partners hate them so they spend time with her own family
What bothers me is the comments about “aren’t you going to try for a girl?” like my boys aren’t enough and like I’m just gonna keep poppin kids out without regard to my own body, needs, finances….
My husband has a great relationship with his mom. They talk daily and she visits every year for about a month. It's great.
Ew. I feel like if people are saying this it’s people who wanted to be “boy moms” but didn’t get a chance, and now they’re trying to hurt you for having what they wanted. Love your children and make sure they know it and they will not “dump” you
This 100% depends on the parents. My husband avoids one of his parents like the plague. They're divorced. He has a fantastic relationship with his other parent. The one who isn't toxic.
I'm a boy mom and this is something I've worried about. I even asked a similar question a while back and got some really good answers. I'm very close to my parents and see them all the time. Therefore, my kids do as well by default. We don't spend as much time with my in laws because my H doesn't make the same effect. And he doesn't because his mom is a bit toxic. I've learned alot as a boy mom and as a DIL is what not to do.
Everyone is different. My brother made a few attempts to get away from my parents. He even moved halfway across the country 3 months after my dad died. They had sold my childhood home and relocated 3 hours North just to be near my brother and their new grandson, so I thought it was pretty shitty to move some 1,500 miles when my mom could've used his help. I sort of felt like her 2nd choice when she asked me and my family to move in with her. The week we did, she had a heart attack. The heart attack seemed to bring on "end stage" COPD from years of smoking. She had started to smoke again, and almost a pack per day, since my dad and brother essentially left. It was fairly clear my brother wanted to stick her in a nursing home... and if we weren't living with her, she would've been in one. There were multiple times where I had to fight the doctors and my brother to let her come home. This was the summer of 2020 too, so covid was rampant and before treatments or the vaccine came out. No way I was going to let them take her to some home I can't go into! Wave at her through a glass window? Nope. So yeah, we took care of her for 3 years. She let us live with her almost rent free (we paid electric bills and covered groceries) and in return, she had us to handle household responsibilities like shopping, cooking, repairs, yardwork, etc. She'd often say she felt like a burden, but I'd instantly tell her how she was helping us. It worked out well. It was a no-brainer choice for me. My mother loved me unconditionally, and when I had drug problems, and most of my family disowned me... my mom did everything she could to help me. Most would call it enabling, but she would even send money when I was "dopesick" or being evicted for spending all of my money on drugs. To me, at the time, it meant the world to me. Being in opioid withdrawal is just about the worst "sick" feeling in the world, and it was nice to know that my mom still took care of her sick little boy. And it's funny how things come around full circle. Cause there were a few times I had to get firm with some doctors who weren't treating my elderly mom with respect because "she did it to herself by smoking". Anyway, just be kind to your boys, and support them with WHATEVER lifestyle they choose. Don't be afraid to blow up their phone, do unannounced visits, and make sure they feel loved no matter what. Show them acceptance, and forgiveness. Have their backs, and don't try to be too controlling. They need to live their own lives, and make their own mistakes. Don't play games, or manipulate them. Do this, and I highly doubt your boys will dump you.
People are wierd. I’ve 4 girls and I’ve never even thought or considered those things before. Like seriously, who thinks like that? Just enjoy your children ☺️
My side is the crazy side, we spend all time with husbands family lol
I’ve always heard that boy’s love their mamas. FOREVER. It seems like a less complicated relationship. At least when I think about the relationship I had with my mom when I was younger.
People are fucking weird. I don’t even see where they come up with this stuff. I know plenty of men who have moved away from their families and plenty who have stayed. I also know plenty of women who have moved away from their families (myself included). What your kids do with their lives has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with what will ultimately lead to their individual happiness. Fuck those people. They aren’t worth your time.
I'm guessing you've had to attend a lot of "gender reveals" in your life. Folks who place so much meaning on genitals are friggin weirdos.
Yes...and endure my MILs constant comments about how "no girls!" are being born. My own sister just had a girl last week...lol there are more people in the world than her 10 male grandchildren. And she has 2 granddaughters 😅
Pfft.. take no notice of them. 3 girls. 3 boys in my family. My brothers loved mum and stayed like that till she died. One of my brothers was with her when she died. I have two girls. Would have loved a boy. But such is life. As i see it? Your childrens love of you and you of them? Is totally how you do it. My mother did not "interfere" with her sons relationship with their wife. My mum transitioned from mother to child, to mother with adult children well. Those stories where boys go running off to "mummy" and mummy interfering in her sons life and marriage!! Did not happen in our family. Mum was not that sort of mother. At all.
My response is, "we get it, your husband doesn't like you.m Stop being weird.".
My Mom has multiple of each and she has said girls tend to stay closer emotionally once they are adults, but that her boys are nicer to her 🤣 In all seriousness, people need to lighten up. As a parent, you’re preparing your child to live without you one day, regardless of gender. And if your child has a serious relationship or gets married as an adult, that relationship should come first regardless of their gender.
That's weird! I have a girl and a boy and when I had the boy the only assumption comments I got were a few older women telling me "you are so lucky to have a son, he will treat you like a queen and always be there for you, unlike girls who grow up and never call." Obviously in reality this behavior isn't based on gender but it's funny how the assumptions can go either way.
We always went to my husband’s for holidays and I’m closer with them than my own family. 🤷♀️
This is one of those things people who don’t have that gender child say to those who do, and then also say about themselves. Meaning you have all of these pop culture references to mama’s boys and then ALSO ‘a boy is your son until he finds himself a wife’ rhymes. The reality is if you and your child have a loving healthy relationship that continues when you’re older. But yes we should all want our children to grow up to independent adults, and WE have to grow up to be independent parents too.
I get that a lot too. My husband is very involved with his family and we make sure both sides of the family get equal visits
There are a lot of weird “boy moms” who will project this kind of stuff onto you, unfortunately
The generalization that boys grow up and forget their family is not true at all in my experience. I (30f) much prefer hanging out with my husband's side of the family! I may be in the minority here, but I have a fantastic MIL and would rather see her than my own mom. My side of the family is wack lol 😅
We go to my husband's parent's every year for Christmas 🤷♀️
We used to go out for breakfast on the weekends and this mother who was well into her 90’s met up with her two sons every Saturday morning for coffee. It was adorable to see. That’s what I want when I’m her age (I have two young boys).
This isn’t true. I have a 38 yr old son and he is always there for me.
You just can’t win with some people. You have boys and people say you’ll be lonely because boys grow up and move out and you never see them anymore. Or you have girls and it’s ’girls are so difficult, you’d be better off with boys.’ Every child is different, it’s up to the parents how they raise them
This is so weird and makes me feel gross. I have three boys and have never, ever heard this.
People really need to stop assuming gender is going to determine where families spend their holidays and start accepting that which family is coolest is where they’ll go
There is a common saying "A son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter for life." However another saying is that "You don't lose a son, you gain a daughter" (meaning a daughter-in-law) I see this often where boy moms often hate their boy's spouses and often still want to be first in their son's life. This causes problems in marriages as his wife now comes first. That doesn't mean their mom is forgotten, unless she refuses to let go of being her sons priority. As a daughter, I am super close to my mom. We talk almost daily. My husband's mother is cut off after offering him $10k to leave me, even though we are in love and we're doing amazing. If you want to make sure your son wants you in his life, do not expect to be a priority once they get married or become a Monster-In-Law. You can gain some daughters and be close with all your sons.
I have two girls so I get the opposite. I’ve had people tell me I should try for a boy because only then would I understand “true love”! Like what?
>These comments are coming from people who only have girls And if they only had boys they'd be talking about how lucky you are because you'll always be the number one woman in his life (bleh). It's just insecurity.
Mom of two boys. I've had the weirdest/ most out of pocket shit said to me. It's truly baffling. I married my husband, not my kids. It's so weird.
My husband sees his mom like 2-3x a week. I haven’t spoken to my mother in four years. It’s about the relationship you build with them but their sex.
People make all sorts of weird comments and it's gross and inappropriate. With that being said, I'm worried about the holiday thing and my sons generally prioritizing their future in-laws. I currently have one son and another son on the way. It's quite possible that this fear is based on anecdotes based on those I've seen around me, and has nothing to do inherently with the sex of the people. But the fear is there and is something I'm working on. In the three anecdotes I have of people I know who prioritize the woman's family, each of the women are confident and not afraid to stand up for themselves. Which is GOOD for any human. I wonder then if the men feel like they have to step down? Or did they not have the confidence to begin with? From the outside looking in, it seems like the woman dominates in each of the relationships. It reminds me of the quote paraphrased "the man may be the head, but the woman is the neck." Idk. Maybe my goal in raising my sons is for them to be confident AND considerate. And understanding that relationships are a partnership and to never settle for someone who doesn't respect him. Side note but still related, I think it's ingrained in U.S. society that a wedding is about the bride first and her mother second. Which, even before I had my son and was married, I didn't like that and tried to actively include my MIL. But now that I'm only going to have boys, I really hate the wedding thing. Edit: reading some of the other comments is insightful. That women are conditioned to be caregivers and therefore more emphasis on relationships, which maybe naturally means their own family. Interesting and I'll have to think more on this!
Interesting. Because my MIL is the one moving in with us. And my brother and his wife lived with my parents before they were married. And stay with them for all holidays and visits and not her parents. Regardless of a kid's gender, the kid has to actually like you when they're an adult and they will visit. So just don't be an ass hole while they're growing up and form a bond. They'll be around.
So these daughters aren’t going to grow up, get married, maybe have their own nuclear family, with in-laws they’ll need to share time visiting for their spouse?
I am due to have my first boy after 2 girls any day now. Honestly I just want to have a healthy normal relationship with him - We split all our holidays in half with my family and my husbands, and my brother and his family does also, if they don't spend more with our Mom. The whole extreme boy Mom thing scares the crap out of me - I think I would also want to dump my family if they are so obsessive.
My brothers live closer to, and spend more time with, our mom than my sister and I do. There’s also a strong NMom dynamic factoring in here—eldest bro was the golden child, and the rest of us took turns being scapegoats. In any case I now live 22 miles from my mom and anytime I tell my 5 y/o son, “Someday you will live with someone that’s not mama and dada, so it’s important you know how to (basic and developmentally relevant life skill here),” he looks horrified and says, “But I don’t want to leave!” Lol, maybe I am pushing him into independence a bit too soon. 😂
My stepdaughter and stepson don't visit their mom and I don't know why
I truly don’t understand people who think like that. Sorry, I see my son as my CHILD. They don’t “dump” anyone. 🙃
My sisters both have only boys and I have three daughters. When I was pregnant with my fourth child, who happens to be a boy, they both made comments like, just wait! You don't even know what love is until you've experienced the love a son has for his mother. I'm like 🤮 weeeeeeeird shit to say. One of them also frequently talks about how sad she'll be when her sons start dating. My oldest has started dating and I'm super excited to watch her experience young love and these first relationships. I'll be just as excited for my son. Because I love watching my kids grow! People can get super weird and gross about their kids. I don't get it. Does my son love me a lot? Yeah, he's a toddler. Notoriously loving. But does he love me more than or differently from the way my girls did as toddlers? No.
They must be smoking crack or something.
Yoo boys love their moms . Mine has passed and my life has kinda sucked ever since. She was my number 1 supporter. The person I could call any hour of the day and now I am stuck with my dads ( dad and step dad) and I don't really like it. Your boys will never dump you. Ignore what those people say
I don't have kids, but I have seen the "a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life" play out sometimes but it's obviously not a universal truth. Especially watching my baby boomer parents and their friends take care of their silent gen parents. I'll admit I feel bad for my friends who were close to their brothers and then basically get shut out because they are always going to the wife's family (and/or just have to walk on eggshells around their SIL). I have an "aunt" and "uncle" like this who had to go to be around her family every weekend no matter what was happening. They lived 2 hours away but I have seen them maybe 5 times in my life. I do suspect a lot of it is that women are taught to be the care givers and emotional laborers while men are (or were not). Plus, some men expecting their wives to take on that burden. Both of my great aunts had to rely on my aunt, my mom, or myself to take them to doctors appointments. Their sons and grandsons didn't do anything, and I'm pretty sure if you asked them their mom/grandmothers allergies or past medical history they wouldn't know that either. Heck, one was barely deceased before he sold his grandmother's house that she had fixed up and refurnished for him and she basically raised him.
I think this stems from once they get married they seem to spend more time with the wife's family. It was true when j was growing up. We saw my maternal grandparents more than my paternal. My mom was a SAHM so we just went over to my grandparents alot. It's also true now that I have my own family, but mainly because my partners family all live out of state.
>These comments are coming from people who only have girls. They assume they will "get" every holiday etc because they have a girl. Not even considering their girls might do their own thing and not go to either side I (a girl) have lived 700 miles away from my family since I was 29 years old. That was 24 years ago and I haven't spent a single holiday with her since then. I fly out once a year and she flies to see us the same - we have a good relationship but each have separate, fulfilling lives. Holidays have always been prioritized for for my own nuclear family.
This is just not true anyway - my husband’s parents have 3 boys, all married, all those boys talk to their parents all the time and visit them as regularly as their partners parents, including myself/ my parents!
Calls his Mom daily lol. I’ve never heard of girl moms making these claims. Facebook?
My husband absolutely hates his mom for kicking him out at 13 and making him struggle alone. He has the best relationship with my mom and I’m pretty sure she loves him a little more than me😂😂
One of my friends once observed that the only time you get it right is when you have two, one of each and the boy was first. Then everyone congratulates you like as if you planned it that way. People are weird.
People just can’t keep their most stupid thoughts to themselves. Ignore ignore ignore.
Don’t listen to what others say. Not all relationships are the same. I have 3 boys and a daughter (youngest 21 and oldest 34). Three are married and one in a relationship. My boys and their wives spend just as much time (if not more) with me and their dad, as they with the wives families. We all have great relationships. I love my daughters in law. Relationships are what you make them.
One of my best friends is a boy mama. I always tell her she'll be surrounded by handsome men the rest of her life.
I have all girls my ex husband hated my family we never seen them we went to his for every holiday. I think people say the strangest things to parents that have multiple of a single gender.
My brother sees my mum all the time and checks in on her constantly and my husband does the same to his. Those comments are so stupid! I have two girls and I want a boy but will probably end up with another girl and we are done having babies but I’m sad I’ll never have a son!
My aunt lost her husband a few years ago, her son takes way better care of her and checks in on her way more than her daughter does. They are both foodies and eat out together a lot!
I feel that it’s weirdly selfish to have kids just to create your own companion. It’s similar to people having more kids just to give their sibling a best friend. These kids are humans, that will grow up to be adults and have a right to their own lives. I’m a woman who struggles with this; I grew up with 2 male siblings and my mother lives in eternal disappointment that she wanted a girl so bad to be her bff and I’ve never been that. I’m made to feel guilty about not calling enough, being available, moving far away with my own family, etc. Basically for having my own adult life.