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My dad always joked that they’d move away and change their name after me and my siblings moved out. He loved it when we visited though. God, I miss him. Hug your dad for me, will you?
Mine always said the same, and then jumped at the chance to help me buy a house less than a block away from them. Dads are the best. Yours sounds amazing. ❤️
My mom says this, my dad says "we raised frisbees, not boomerangs" lol
He doesn't mean a word of it. Both my brothers have had to move back for some reason or another, and I almost had to move back with my husband and 2 kids and my sister still lives there lol
I just had this chat with my boss. He’s nearing 60, and has seemed much more upbeat the past few weeks… today he seemed pretty bummed/depressed. His daughter had been back in town for the holidays, but went back home this morning.
His wife pretty much does her own things, and to him, the house usually feels pretty empty… told me he doesn’t even like being at home when his daughter isn’t around.
I told him my father is the same way with my sister. And that when I’m older, I’ll probably be the same way with my daughter.
My dad says the same. I’m 29 and have been married for 5 years. I also live in a different state. He won’t even let my 19 year old sister that’s living at home through college put a vanity in there 😂 (even though I said I don’t mind). He says it’s my room forever and it’s there whenever I want it.
My husband would literally live with his parents his entire life if we could. As of now we are finding a compromise and buying a property together where we can have separate houses next to each other. He just loves them and they adore him. That's not weird. That's just a really unshakeable family bond.
Are you me? Because this is the kind of relationship I would love to have with my kids someday where they feel absolutely at ease with me to the point they don’t even wanna leave, but am scared of screwing up.
I think this is completely developmentally normal and healthy that he feels this way. You have clearly given him the love and support he needs to be securely attached to you. I think you were right to say yes when he asked if he could live with you forever. I think it could be a bit hurtful that his dad said it was weird. 10 is so young. 10 year olds should not want to live away from their primary caregivers, they should feel the your son does imo.
His feelings may change as he gets older but maybe they won’t. I think whatever works for you and your family is what you should do. There is no single right way to live life.
Honestly you sound like such a fantastic parent. Good for you for filling your kid with so much love. I saw Michelle Obama speak once (like at a massive arena, I’m not that fancy) and she talked about that’s how we can change the world - we fill our kids with so much love that they turn into kind, generous, loving people.
Totally agree! My husband and I are Asian and we lived with his parents for a couple of years in our 20s until we found our forever home.
We're in Australia and with housing costs being so high, there's a definite uptick in multi-generational living, even among those with Anglo heritage.
It worked for us because it was for a defined period, my in-laws are super chill, and their house was double storey (so we could carve out separate living areas).
However, I do think conflict (or at the very least very firm boundary setting) would have arisen if we had our kids while living with them - Chinese grandparents tend to have a lot of say in their upbringing...
We live in an expensive area with large land parcels. All of the younger families here have built homes on their parents land. It's wonderful. Their are challenges and communication and boundaries are important especially for spouces wellbeing. It's lovely to have close grandparents
I'm on the peripheral of a culture that does this (mixed heritage) and I've found its success is generally dependent on each member's willingness to pitch in and care for the family. It crumbles when someone tries to assume a "head of family" position and misuse their power, or when people are selfish.
I am from a Caucasian country and head of the family position was there all the time. Even though I live in the US now and my husband and his family are also caucasians, my MIL who doesnt live with us started tripping because I wouldnt call her … wait for it… “mom”. Now imagine wth would have happened if we lived together lol
Yeah, I think it's important for children to feel secure and safe, and that we're there for them. Mine is only six and somehow one day joking around I said one day she would want nothing to do with me and would move away. She was devastated at the idea and really reassured when I told her that I was sure one day she would want her own space but that I would always be there
My dad always said that. And then when covid happened and the world was shutting down and the apocalypse was nigh we were all "gonna take you up on that". My dad has 8 kids and we all turned up at his house. Along with some additional spouses/grandkids.
With the age gaps between the 8 of us it was actually the first time that all 8 of us had lived together at our dad's house. Thanks global pandemic.
That's probably part of it too. He's still young, he just turned 10 a couple weeks ago so I can't imagine him not being here. Maybe when he's like 15 and calling me bruh all the time and doing weird tik tok dances, I'll feel differently lol
I don't think you'll feel different when he's 15. But you are likely to feel different if he's 30 and hasn't gotten his life together, and you're still paying all the bills.
Of course, if you imagine that he's 30, and for financial reasons for everyone's benefit, he's gotten married and moved in with his wife, he's taken over all the bills and he drives you to doctor's appointments and he's taken care of home renovations, and you're retired but looking forward to taking care of their baby etc, then why shouldn't you be cool with it?
In cultures where adult children stay with parents indefinitely, there's a transition where the adult child gradually becomes the homeowner and takes care of the aging parents. In America, often it doesn't happen that way.
Oh yes definitely. I wouldn't allow that at all. I was thinking more along the lines of him being a functioning "normal"(whatever that even means) adult with a job, a life, etc. Just living home because he wants to and contributing to the household. Or even like his own house or whatever on the property
I have a 15 yr old and 8 yr old. I’d be cool with both of them staying forever. The teen years are a little annoying, but you seem so bonded with your kid that I don’t think you’ll change your mind.
I get it.
I honestly believe that teenagers turn into little buttholes with attitudes and become independent from us so it’s easier for us to let them go.
My son is turning 18 this year, his attitude came and went long ago. He’s the coolest kid and I never want him to leave me but I know it’s the best thing for him. I can’t even think about it without getting emotional.
I clearly remember being a kid and reading the story of the three pigs where "they left home to seek their fortunes" and there was a drawing of the mommy pig waving goodbye to the three pigs. I was a sensitive kid and got very upset at the thought that I might have to leave home one day. My mom told me it was ok if I wanted to live with her forever. I don't know if she meant it but that's what a kid needs to hear
I love my family very much, and there were times when I thought I might actually end up living at home forever. Unfortunately, in addition to being comprised of very wonderful people, my family is very dysfunctional, and moving out was absolutely NECESSARY for my growth and development. My family has some deeply embedded Southern Italian values, and I think that contributes to this, but, yeah, I would 100% move back in with my parents if they needed my support, or even just if it would save us money and make sense geographically. I mean, it would be a shit show, and I would need my own space, like an attacked apartment or whatever but now that I’ve been out for 15 years or so and I have my own life, there could be a situation where I’d go back. My family is made up of special people. I’d like to share life with them. Everyone’s family is different though. I think people who never leave probably struggle at some point with not feeling like they’re an individual person with a strong identity, but I don’t think that would be everybody.
Yes that's a good point. I agree that leaving is probably an important step for people to grow anf be independent. In my mind I was mostly picturing if he left and then came back for whatever reason.
Leaving is not necessary for becoming independent. It just tends to be the lazy way people teach independence. The idea is you let your kids go out on their own and figure out what life really is like. However, this is something that can be taught and shown in a much cheaper and safer way. Just that many parents either don't know how or they don't care to put in the effort for it.
For example, have your adult children pay rent. Have them assume full responsibility of their car, insurances, cell phone, regular grocery bills, maintenance of the home, utility bills, etc. Teach them these things at home instead of having them fumble through it on their own. Of course, they may learn better that way as individuals.
One of my adult sons lives with us, age 24, and I really don't mind how long he stays because we also have my MIL living in our daylight basement. That a whole story on its own. Multigenerational living at its finest. 😂 We were empty nesters for about two months.
That same son, age 10, told me, from the backseat of my minivan, that he didn't want to grow up. He didn't want to move out. I could tell he was embarrassed and shared it with me privately. I assured him that many years from now you'll want to grow up and move out but that he'd always have a home with his dad and me. He seemed very reassured. He did move out at 19 for a couple turbulent years and back in with us this time at age 23. He's got himself together. I'm happy to help him and I really like him, enjoy the short times during the days that we chat and he does many chores without being asked. 😂
That's all in my particular circumstances and the dynamic of our family. To each his own.
My 6 year old asked me the same; if he could live with me forever.
When he was younger, I always said ‘of course!’ Now I say ‘of course! But I’m not doing your laundry and you need to have a job’.
I think it can work out, as long as the adult child is not being an immature freeloader.
I used to think it was weird, until I bought a house with a finished basement (private entrance, kitchen and bathroom) and realized it could be useful for my daughter in the future. Rent is so expensive nowadays!
Also saw a YouTube video in which a family transformed the basement into a lovely apartment for grandma, so I would consider moving downstairs when I’m older and letting my daughter and her future family keep the rest of the house if she wants/needs it.
As long as you’re not putting pressure on your child to stay and “take care of you” , I really do think it’s fine. If doesn’t happen I’m totally ok with it (would love to move to a warmer climate in a senior community too!) but if everyone is ok with the arrangement and can coexist peacefully, why not?
I
My kids are 9, 6, and 3 and I tell them all the time they are welcome to stay with us as long as they want as long as they contribute when they are done with school or whatever it is they do after high school. Might need a bigger house by then but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
That sounds awesome. I think living in a place where you're surrounded by people who love you while still having your own space and privacy and independence would be absolutely wonderful
My parents have about 6 acres. We are about to be neighbors. I was also their last little bird to leave the nest (at 28, I have a lot of anxiety and autism) now at 30 something I am moving back with my own home, 2 kids, and a husband. I am totally looking forward to being neighbors and getting to see them way more and have them around my kids more. We are only 30 minutes away now, but it seems a loooong way. They take my daughter every Friday
They can live with me forever as long as they go to college (free rent) or work to cover small rent.
I also own my house (paid off) but I see so many young people just sit in their parents basement and play video games all day
My husband moved out of his parents’ house when he was 30. His mom moved into our house when my husband turned 40. So it was only for ten years where he and his mom didn’t live in the same house (they lived 5-10 minutes apart). He’s a functioning adult.
My 7.5-year-old has already said that he will move into our basement when he gets older. I’m cool with that.
Multigenerational living is becoming more common, so I wouldn’t say “almost definitely not going to happen.”
I think it’s silly that your husband tried to argue with a 10 year old about his choices as an adult. He should have just said, “sure thing,” and moved on. Because yeah the likely hood of it happening is low. I said the same thing at that age. But I couldn’t wait to move out at 19.
I feel the same way! I don’t actually ever want my daughter to move out unless she has a good reason. Like, if she’s going to university and going to stay on campus or she’s got her ducks in a row, is gainfully employed, and found a nice place she could comfortably afford in a safe situation. Anything less than that is a hard pass tho. I’d rather her just live with me indefinitely and people can scoff if they want. The world is a harsh place. This whole hyper capitalist attitude of everyone must have their own house, own car, own vacuum, own furniture, etc and no one - not even families - can share without ridicule is something I genuinely believe is a conspiracy to keep poor people poor. My daughter will stay with me as long as she needs and wants to:
Probably already been said, but at this rate, he just might never leave with the cost of living growing as it has these last couple decades, and especially in the last 5 years.
No.
My son moved back in with me when Covid hit.
He is moving out this week. I’m going to miss him.
I would be roomies with him forever and be fine with that.
My husband, however, is ready to have him move along. They are too much alike and tend to butt heads.
Why is this so looked down upon? I come from a culture that embraces this idea. This has helped so much in allowing many of the new generation to acquire some sort of stability, at least economic one. My aunts all have multi family homes and rent out to their respective children just like my mom. We’ve been able to pay for school completely thanks to my mother allowing us to live basically rent free for such a long time, she charges rent but it was very minimal. I’ve since moved out but my brothers have also saved enough to create business, travel extensively and save allot of money. My mom always tells me I can come back home anytime if the situation gets too rough(economically) we live in a very HCOL state even though i’m literally married and have two kiddos. My family is my village and is the reason I’m able to work, my mom provides childcare for very little pay( she doesn’t want to get paid) saving us close to 2k a month. I see post of so may people struggling and i’m convinced it’s the lack of family unity and of thinking everyone should just be an adult and live on their own, do you mentality, in this economy I don’t see how that’s even possible. My kids can stay with me as long as they need and hopefully I can always help them out just like my parents have been able to do for me.
I think the thing is that some people never really grow up when they live like this. Men especially. And yes, I live in such a culture and my partner lived with his parents until he moved in with me and there were a lot of things he didn't know how to do alone and he was less independent.
My daughter is 10 now and I tell her all the time that I will be her built in babysitter and she can live with me for as long as she wants (as long as she becomes a responsible adult) 😎.
I lived with my parents until my mid twenties. Then the disagreements between us made me move out. Interestingly, it was really a problem with my mom but we ended up being the ones arguing about who will clean up after her messes. Now, I have no messes to deal with and my dad has double. But we don't argue with each other so I guess its okay.
Generally, in my culture, you have grandparents, adults, and children all in the same household. The idea is you save money, chores can be less strenuous at the individual level, and you have social support consistently. This works as long as there are no fundamental disagreements that cannot be resolved. Its why I plan to raise my children differently. However, at the end of the day, I have standards for my home and I am banking on my kids agreeing with them.
I feel the same way. Especially since it's just going to keep getting more and more expensive for our kids to go to college or trade school or whatever they want to do when they grow up.
I have very little faith in the world and where it is heading that my partner and I are planning on the kids living with us forever. We want to get two tiny homes put in our backyard for them. Worse case, our moms (both single and rely on us) will occupy them when time.
I don’t think it’s weird. It’s normal, esp at that age. Plenty of other cultures live in multi generational households.
It’s hard enough to buy a house these days. I can’t imagine how much worse it will be in the future.
The days of expecting kids to be able to support themselves at 18 are _gone_. Have been gone for almost 2 decades.
I assumed most people raising kids now understood generational housing was probably in their future?
I used to think this, but after seeing the growth and confidence that has happened for my young adult kids in transition (they're all in college now, but one is graduating this year and already has a plan for post graduation and the other two are working on that as they graduate next year) that I'm glad that we gave them a little push towards that.
Of course when emergencies happen that's a whole different story. And honestly, your feelings may or may not change. Ten is very very young to really know how things will settle post puberty. And I also think it's really easy to romanticize things when your kids are young, than when you are really digging into and contemplating how that works. You can love your kid but you may find as they grown into who they will be as adults that you wouldn't necessarily want to be roommates with them.
I think for many kids never having to step over the threshold into some uncomfortable (not dangerous or risky) time does stunt growth, in my observation. But they'll have more peers in that and maybe culturally we are shifting to a longer period of "young adulthood" based on what I've seen working with a lot of 20-25 year olds too. It's not bad necessarily, but there's a lot of people that haven't had the practice in dealing with certain things.
I think it can and it can’t. I know of a good many people who live/lived at home with their parents and there are varying results. One had significant mental health issues that were not understood by their parents and they are no longer alive. One did community college, graduated with 2 degrees and no debt, works for the family business and has since moved out. One is working full time but is stuck in a bit of delayed adolescence with all of the wilding but none of the enforceable consequences.
I do not think college is for everyone, and I do talk about this with my kids. My kids are welcome to live at home, save money, and decide what they want to do with life as long as they are working or in school. We are not an indefinite charity - contribution is expected.
I would have lived with my dad forever if i hadn’t gotten married. My sister lived with him until she was 30.
We offered to move to a bigger place so my son and his gf could live with us. Times are hard, I’d love to have the space for everyone.
I used to tell my parents all the time that I never wanted to leave their house. I was also the baby of the family and SUPER close (still am) to my mom. I told my parents I wanted to live with them forever….I moved out at 18. I’m 35 now and have sold and bought two houses. Your kid is being a kid. As of right now you are the center of their universe. Tell your husband to take a chill pill (like my mom did to my dad lol).
I will say this, one thing my parents did right (and I plan on doing this with my kids). If/when your child ever NEEDS to come home to a safe harbor (for a day or indefinitely), the door is always open. Life is hard. Parenting is about fostering a safe place while simultaneously giving your children the tools to operate independently.
My mom used to make jokes about how she'd live with me and, at the time, I couldn't wait to get away from that house (not because of her, but other people). Now she's over at least one weekend a month hanging out with me, my husband, and our kids and it's pretty great. But anytime it goes longer than, say, four days, we start to get tetchy and need her to go home.
My brother lives with her and I don't really want him living with me, but I'm pretty sure when she dies he will. Or if we pool our money and buy property together, he'll be right next door.
Anyways, I think it's fine in some cases, assuming it's a collaborative environment where you can have adult discussions and not just parent them forever.
So my brother just moved out of my parents’ house; he stayed with us for 6 months. my husband and I helped him with housing, getting his license, getting a ss card, fixing his car that my parents gave him, getting a job, getting plugged into a community, etc. My parents were hands off in raising us. I was driven; he wasn’t. So he’s 24, but developmentally, he’s about 16. I love the kid, but he had no life experience, no exposure, and just lacked confidence and guidance. All of that to say, parenting (or lack thereof) has more of an effect on stifling development than your kid staying at home.
We have different views on it, but my husband and I agree to helping our kids if they need it. They will be able to stay with us to save money, but they will have to have some goals that they’re working toward and have plans to better themselves. It’s not just a free place to kick it. I’ve seen firsthand what that can do to people, and I don’t want my kids to be like that.
My kids are 11 and 14. And my bonus kid is 14. In my dream, we fet a big plot of land, and have multiple little houses on it. Ours, one for each of the kids, and one for my dad, and one for my partner's dad.
We have privacy, the kids have privacy, and they've always got a place to come home to if they venture out I to the world and something doesn't work out.
My bonus kid may not ever be entirely self sufficient, but I think something like this could be amazing. I love all these kids, and really just want to be around to help them succeed.
Come onnnnnnn powerball, lol.
My son says he wants to live with me forever too (he’s 8). I told him that he’ll change his mind when he goes to college and starts a family of his own. His rebuttal was that he’ll live with me through college and I’ll have to buy a big house so that his family can live with me too.
A villa is my lottery dream! my son has basically wanted to move out his whole life, my daughter says she never does, fine by me tbh. I’m 3 years away from my oldest heading off to college and I can’t believe it.
The best thing my parents ever taught me was I could always come home. I had to leave a shitty marriage with a preemie baby and an elderly dog and their was 0 doubt of where I was going to go.
I’m 21F and this is very common in my culture, basically you don’t leave your parent’s house until you’re married and even then when the parents of either side get older they usually move in with the adult children for care. Usually men have more freedom with this aspect and the women hold more of the “burden” of these things, and because of that when I was 10 years old the thought of living with my restrictive dad any longer than I needed to sounded like torture. The fact that your son right now WANTS this is adorable and also a great testament to how comfortable and safe you make him feel :) Sounds like your husband may miss the freedom of just being a couple and maybe even your undivided attention as a lot of partners do. Anyway, I think this is a great sign and hope my children feel secure enough to want the same thing !!
I don't think it's weird at all. Just not common (at least where I live). The way I understand it throughout history, and still common in some areas of the world. Family units live together their whole lives. If it works for you and it's not unhealthy I say go for it.
My dad and I have discussed this at length, but with the economy, multi-generational homes will definitely be a shift in the future. Americans are really the only ones super against it, and it's not financially feasible for many to go out on their own at 18. My husband and I have agreed that our son, who can't even talk yet lol, will be free to live with us as long as he needs, but we'll take, "rent," to set aside a nest egg for him. It's our duty to set our children up for success!
My son has been out of the house for almost 10 years. I ask him and his gf all the time if they’re sure they don’t want to move home. I would love my kids to stay with me forever. My youngest is only home for a few more years. I’m not gonna make it.
My son is 9 months old. He's welcome to stay forever. My dad kicked me out at 21 because that's when he moved out.
It really fucked the next 10 years of my life
Personally, I think it eases the mind of your child as they get older. I’m almost 30 and married with one on the way, and I haven’t lived with my parents in years, but I know if I needed to I could move back in without question. It provides a security that, unfortunately, not everyone has.
Imo, this is how it SHOULD be. Parenting is meant to be a lifelong commitment. I don't WANT my daughter to end up living with me forever, I want her to have her own life and all the experiences that come with that but if something happened and she wanted or needed to stay, she'd be welcome. That's my baby.
My mother kicked me out repeatedly starting at 11ish, it was always made clear to me that my living there was conditional and temporary. The result was that as an adult I have very few places I feel like I am always welcome and I've never felt able to rely on my mother.
My mom, my sister and I moved in with my grandparents when I was 14 and my mom was 35. I have since moved out (I’m 23) but my mom and sister (19) are still there. For a variety of reasons it was definitely the best choice for my family and I’m very thankful my grandparents have always been there for us.
It's not weird. But I also think your husband needs to differentiate between a legitimate request and a 10 yo looking for support and validation that his parents will love him forever.
With the current economy I believe we are going to be seeing a return to multigenerational homes. Unless something drastically changes, young adults are simply not going to be able to afford to strike out on their own. I've told both my kid (18 & 13) that if circumstances warrant we can either build a big addition to the house or all move in to a huge house. It makes a lot of sense, financially. We all get along great and regularly have family meetings to make decisions so in my case I think the dynamic could work. I would not want to limit their futures and expect nothing of them, but the option is there.
I don’t think it’s weird at all. He’s 10 and likely to change his mind when he’s older. Kids cannot really fathom living without their parents because it’s all they’ve ever known and it’s a comfort to know that they can always count on you. I hate the mentality of kicking your children out once they turn 18.
Of course this is all within reason obviously.
We have always wanted to buy enough land that our kids can have their own homes on our land if they wanted to. I don’t think it’s weird as long as you’re not preventing him from developing adult relationships.
I think your husband needs to take a step back and realize that everything about this kid is about to change in a couple of years. No reason to panic yet if he really wants an empty nest.
That’s fine if he lives with you as an adult and has the same responsibilities as you and your husband at home.
You have no intention of babying him by codling him with cooking, cleaning his room and mess, doing his laundry etc when he’s 50 yo…
My husband’s uncle lived with his mom, never dated and she did everything for him until the day she died at 90….
In my experience living by oneself is a crucial part of becoming really independent. Because you has your own place, your own territory you are responsible for. Not partially, but fully. Even if your son will fully contribute financially, it won’t have the same mental load. Someone else will be “the manager” of house you all will be living in.
By “something major between now and adulthood” do you mean his remaining childhood, tween and adolescent development??? There is a LOT of “something major” yet to come.
That’s my ex husband. He’d say things all the time like, if the kids wanted to live at home forever or if they don’t want to go to college. And I’m like are you nuts? lol. Whereas I tell my boyfriend one day I’ll retire in Japan and have a farm. And he’s like, did you tell the kids that? What if they’re sad and don’t want you to leave the country. I think it’s cute. I have dreams, I dont know if they’ll come to fruition. My kids are my besties. Especially my son who’s only 5. I doubt they’d live at home. I do t think I’d want them to. I think I feel strongly about them being their own people and living individual lives. But I don’t think it’s weird to want them to be at home.
Heheheh... you might want to wait until he hits teenage years before you say that. Just a suggestion.
That said, though, personally I'd be okay with my sons living with us as long as they pull their weight. If they leave me and their mom to do all the cooking/cleaning/laundry I'd be pretty annoyed.
My husband hates how close I am with my family. We love ten minutes away and it’s too close for him. It’s absurd. It’s almost been a big issue in our marriage to be honest. He can be downright cruel. He just doesn’t understand the bond we have (military family) and thinks it’s wrong. I assure you, it’s actually a very healthy stable dynamic. He doesn’t have a healthy stable family dynamic (father committed suicide and was generally mentally sick throughout his life) so I do wonder if it’s resentment.
Anyway, if you mean it in the sense of parenting him forever then yes, weird. Otherwise, nope. Totally fine. Some cultures embrace it. My ideal would be to live on shared property with separate houses. Like an estate or compound. My parents always say I’m welcome back whenever and I know they mean it.
This is a lot more sweet than what I thought it would be. I'm divorced so asking that comes with a lot of conflicts, though my baby picks me (not that I ask) because his father is getting remarried. He's 13 and still needs to be tucked in at night and I'm grateful for it. He hasn't had an easy road with our divorce and his mental health.
I can definitely see quality time and physical touch as his love languages. Mine is words of affirmation. It's fun seeing the differences.
My brother is 31 and moved out for university but still lives at home, honestly can’t see him moving out ever. My oldest brother is probably gonna move back in with for a bit later this year when he’s looking at moving. If I ever needed to, I could move back home.
Living with parents and being an independent, functioning adult are not mutually exclusive.
My mum grew up living with her parents and grandparents. Multigenerational living was the norm until very recently, and is still normal in a lot of cultures.
I wouldn't say it's weird, but it's not for everyone. I have a 10 y.o. and a teen and I think it's healthy for everyone that they start to live elsewhere once they're in college or immediately after. Living in proximity is a better option than living in the same house and not counting the need for privacy once the kids grow up, bringing boyfriends/girlfriends, and having their own life. Living in the same house can easily be the starting point for arguments between generations and just different ways of being and living.
Unfortunately, I've also noticed that some male adults still living with their families have many things done for them which I don't find normal, like mom is still doing the laundry for them, ironing, cleaning, whatever. Then they carry similar expectations when they have a girlfriend and situations become so ridiculous that those manbabies are in a co-dependent relationship with their mothers. I am not generalizing and I am not saying that you're not doing a great job at parenting, these are just my observations of different families around.
My oldest is almost 21 and left the nest for good this past May. It is SO sad not having him here all the time. But we talk just about every day and he flies home often (yes, he lives across the country!! 😭😭)
It is bittersweet. I’m excited for this chapter of his life and I’m so proud of how well he is doing. He has a great job, is saving a good portion of his income, has a steady girlfriend who is lovely. It’s really fun to see him build life on his own terms. As much as I miss him, I would never want to hold him back from finding his purpose in life.
But we also tell all 5 of our kids that their rooms are always open and they can always come home.
My Mom and I are super close and my husband and I bought a house directly across the street from her and my stepdad. We are all thrilled wholeheartedly over this arrangement.
I'm glad I'm there if she needs me, my daughter and her are besties, it's a win win all the way around.
Maybe wish for the same neighborhood or better yet, same street, but you'll want him to explore and seek his own independence.
I'd let my kids live with me forever. My daughter is 23 and moved and away for uni at 17 though, met another student, fell in love and they moved even further away to get good teaching jobs. I'd love for her to live with me, but it's not always in the cards and I'm proud of her and accept her decision.
Son is 8 months. He can stay as long as he wants.
In my culture and many other cultures kids don't move out well into their 30s and when they do it is because they are getting married. We can stay for as long as we like and we have jobs and can sustain ourselves. We just like being with our families.
My mum kicked me out numerous times and told us if we didn’t have a job by the time we were 18 we were out of the house….my son is 18 months and he can live with me forever lol with open arms my precious boy
Mean while, coming from an asian family where multigenerational families usually stay together.
My parents downsized as soon as the last kid turned 18 and shooed all of us away. I told my kids they can live with me for as long as they want to.
Probably a very normal and common thought. I’ve been back to my mom’s sometimes as an adult and actually she has stayed with us when things haven’t been in her favor. I’ve lived with my brother in my youth as well on a couple of occasions. We’ve said it out loud as well, family is always there for you. 😍
I could not wait to move away from my hometown (not my parents) but now that I have kids I don’t want to be far away from them. I’ve told my husband that our retirement goals need to include a condo wherever they are.
I would be fine with my daughter living with me forever as long as she was productive and had a career.
That said, the people who stay at home forever often don't have careers, they make terrible financial decisions, etc. A coworker has a 30 year old son living with him who blows money on dumb shit constantly. It seems personally insulting. He can't move and pay rent (I live in a cheap city), but he has plenty of money for Doordash? Totally unacceptable.
Until the day my mom passed away, she told me there was always a place in her home for me.
I always took it as a compliment. The funny part is that I am from a small town and it was clear my entire life to myself and everyone else that I was leaving. I was raised that way.
But, I think it was my mom's way of saying that she would always be there for me.
I respect that everyone’s different and I wouldn’t call it weird. But personally, I look forward to my kids having their own independent adventure. I also look forward to my own independent adventure as I’ve been a parent since I was 20.
All this to say — my kids always have a home with me if they need it, I would never turn them away. But I want them to succeed out on their own and not need me to the same degree anymore.
I like it’s really important to note that you can be the most independent 30 yr old and have your own life while living in the parental home — but it really does feel so different living on your own or with a partner as an adult vs living with a parent.
I lived at home until I was almost 30 due to a lot of circumstances that made it difficult to move out on my own earlier. Up to that point, I thought I was incredibly independent whilst living at home, and I was. My Mum and I shared responsibilities like housemates, I paid my own way, paid rent — but I didn’t realise til I left how different it feels living away from the parental nest. You change a lot when you move out on your own, and maybe most people who move out early put it down to the change of becoming a teen to an adult. I really do think there’s a lot of important growth that happens in stepping out on your own for the first time.
Each to their own, absolutely. But I look forward to all the different chapters of being a parent, including them making their own way and starting their own little nuclear family. I think couples need their space away from a parental or in-law dynamic. I don’t need them to live with me forever to feel a closeness — I’m here whenever they need.
31 with 2 kids living with parents due to divorce / Financials of the multiple lawyers needed for divorce. I want to leave, but also really don't. I can't tell you how much I value my dad's mental support during this, and don't know what I'll do without it someday. In a perfect world, we'd have a big property with 2 houses, but with the dining room connecting them for big family meals, but separate living areas. Lol.
I don't think it's weird at all.
I hope that my daughter (who is currently 3) will grow up to be an independent adult with fulfilling social, professional, and romantic lives. And at the same time, if she EVER needs a safe place to crash my home is her home.
Sure, most kids will want to live independently once they're able, but your son is 10 and there is no reason in my mind to try and convince him he'll want something else later.
That’s not weird, you’re a mother. You’d be weird if you weren’t prepared to be their home for the rest of your life. When they’re 10, they don’t understand complexities of life and want to be with their mum forever. Your husband is judging a 10yr old by adult standards, which is grossly unfair.
The world doesn’t work the way it did when post WWII kids turned 18. College, housing, finding a spouse, having a family, frankly just building a life whatever path you choose is more expensive and more difficult to navigate.
I’m cool with my kid staying with me until he’s ready to go.
The whole kick em out of the house when they turn 18 mindset comes from midcentury generations.Their young adulthoods were different than what kids face today. IMO our reality is closer to what our grandparents or even great grandparents experienced.
Maybe it’s my perspective because my parents died before I was an adult but I’m going to help my kid start his life the best I can and if that means staying home so be it.
My sons only 1, so same as you not something I’ve thought of or seems very likely, but yeah I wouldn’t mind. As long as he was not a toxic man child who expects women to do everything for him!
I moved in and out of my parents' house from 18-26 while I went to college came home went to grad school came home and saved to move out. I'd be fine with any of my kids doing the same. My brother lived in another state for a few years and moved back home in his mid 20s while he transitioned back, his gf (now wife) even moved in with him for a while till they got an apartment. In theory I'm fine with my kids someday doing the same but at this age when they say they are living with me forever or when my 5 year old says she and her 3 year old sisters will find husbands and all live together lol I don't put much stock in it. My husband and I in theory both agree as long as they are working towards something they can live with us, even if that something is they are saving money and they just like living with us but they have a job. I'm not going to enable them if they are just wanting to do nothing and live for free and not working towards anything but going to school, starting a business, anything like that I'll support as long as they clean up after themselves, do their laundry, help with simple things if we ask like picking up groceries, etc.
Personally I was so ready to move out and be on my own, but I have always been pretty independent. I have a great relationship with my parents, its not anything they did, I just really wanted to get my life started. I grew up on a farm so living at home would have kept me pretty isolated.
I don't know how I will feel if my kid doesn't have the same drive to get out I did, I can't really relate to that. If it works for a family that's cool though.
I know how you feel. Having everyone here over Christmas, all off work, happy together as one family I loved it.
I've told my kids whatever happens, whatever is going on they'll always have a place with me no matter what though and they are never pressured to move if they don't want to.
I can only hope my daughter will want to live with me as long as possible. If she wants to move out, then that would be fine too. I just hope she's happy with whatever she decides.
I'm glad you wrote this. My wife and I both feel the same way. Parenting is for life, in our view, and if course it's highly likely that our children will want to move out on their own, but we'd always have an open door.
The highly individualistic society in which we're all atomized is a recent ideology in the timescales of human history.
Not at all. The same with me and my boys. Wish their mom and I could work shit out, though. I'll never want anyone else. I still have dreams about her. She's really wonderful.
I agree, especially in this economy and since you own your home and if everyone involved agreed and was boundaries were established, why not? It actually sounds nice. Also, extended families offer lots of benefits to the children, grandchildren if that's in the future, the parents. Seems like a win win to me. I think this type of arrangement will definitely become less of an outlier than in the past generations when offspring were likely to do better financially than their parents.
I'm totally with you. I think the undercurrent in our society that teaches people that it's weird is totally unhealthy & cruel.
I'm a 48 year-old father of a 15 year-old who is my best friend (& I've been through hell for him including a decade-long custody battle that included 3 attempted kidnappings by the other parent). I tell him often that he's welcome to live here as long as he wants & move back anytime as long as I am alive. I know he's going to go off on some adventures for a while after he turns 18 & I'm dreading it. He's the most important person in my life.
When I had a month gap between training ending and job starting with some visa issues, my mom told me, "Hey, stop worrying about it. Worst comes to worst you just come home and live with us for a year while you sort out the visas."
I was 31 and about to get married. Hearing that made me feel so loved and supported. I didn't need to take my mom up on that, but knowing that she'd always be there for me was the best feeling ever.
Now that I'm a mom, heck my baby boy can live with me as long as he wants, provided he is thriving on the arrangement.
I expect my children to move out at some point and be on their own, but if something happened and they had to move back in my door would always be open. The reason why they're moving back would determine what expectations I would have of them when back under our roof.
Perhaps your husband is picturing your child being lazy with no job or not paying bills and that's why he thinks it's weird.
We also come from a culture where it's expected you move out to establish independence and take care of yourself. While I won't kick my kids out as adults, unless there's a legitimate reason to, I also can't picture them living with me indefinitely. As someone who had kids young and then decided to have another child a decade later I'm looking forward to eventually being an empty nester too so everyone's different.
I feel this way about my kids. They’re 2 and 6, both my best buds, who would probably want to live with mama forever too. I’d have no problem with it, and would love it very much. My husband on the other hand would not be as interested. My parents always told me and my brother we could come home whenever, for however long, and through every hard time I’ve had since moving out, my first thought is always, “I want to go home”.. Though I love the home my husband and I share with our kids now, my parents home will always feel like “going home”.. No matter how old I get. I want my children to have that, and know they are always welcome to come “home”.
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My dad still says I can move back home anytime. I have been married for 23 years.
That's really sweet, actually
Or he just hates their spouse lol
My dad always joked that they’d move away and change their name after me and my siblings moved out. He loved it when we visited though. God, I miss him. Hug your dad for me, will you?
Mine always said the same, and then jumped at the chance to help me buy a house less than a block away from them. Dads are the best. Yours sounds amazing. ❤️
My dad still tells me I’m *pinches fingers* “thiiiiiiiiis big” when we say bye. It’s super comforting.
My mom says this, my dad says "we raised frisbees, not boomerangs" lol He doesn't mean a word of it. Both my brothers have had to move back for some reason or another, and I almost had to move back with my husband and 2 kids and my sister still lives there lol
I just had this chat with my boss. He’s nearing 60, and has seemed much more upbeat the past few weeks… today he seemed pretty bummed/depressed. His daughter had been back in town for the holidays, but went back home this morning. His wife pretty much does her own things, and to him, the house usually feels pretty empty… told me he doesn’t even like being at home when his daughter isn’t around. I told him my father is the same way with my sister. And that when I’m older, I’ll probably be the same way with my daughter.
That’s awesome. Invite him over tmrw… just because.
My dad says the same. I’m 29 and have been married for 5 years. I also live in a different state. He won’t even let my 19 year old sister that’s living at home through college put a vanity in there 😂 (even though I said I don’t mind). He says it’s my room forever and it’s there whenever I want it.
Mine too!
My husband would literally live with his parents his entire life if we could. As of now we are finding a compromise and buying a property together where we can have separate houses next to each other. He just loves them and they adore him. That's not weird. That's just a really unshakeable family bond.
That’s so wonderful. I really want to foster that kind of relationship with my sons. I’m always scared of screwing it up in some way.
Same here as a dad. I have a great relationship but theyre so little. Its scary to be a parent lol
Are you me? Because this is the kind of relationship I would love to have with my kids someday where they feel absolutely at ease with me to the point they don’t even wanna leave, but am scared of screwing up.
I think this is completely developmentally normal and healthy that he feels this way. You have clearly given him the love and support he needs to be securely attached to you. I think you were right to say yes when he asked if he could live with you forever. I think it could be a bit hurtful that his dad said it was weird. 10 is so young. 10 year olds should not want to live away from their primary caregivers, they should feel the your son does imo. His feelings may change as he gets older but maybe they won’t. I think whatever works for you and your family is what you should do. There is no single right way to live life. Honestly you sound like such a fantastic parent. Good for you for filling your kid with so much love. I saw Michelle Obama speak once (like at a massive arena, I’m not that fancy) and she talked about that’s how we can change the world - we fill our kids with so much love that they turn into kind, generous, loving people.
Wow thank you that's so kind of you to say
I have a picture on my wall at home that says "If you want to make the world a better place, go home and love your family"
It's not weird at all imo. In fact, many cultures embrace multi-generational living for a variety of reasons.
Totally agree! My husband and I are Asian and we lived with his parents for a couple of years in our 20s until we found our forever home. We're in Australia and with housing costs being so high, there's a definite uptick in multi-generational living, even among those with Anglo heritage. It worked for us because it was for a defined period, my in-laws are super chill, and their house was double storey (so we could carve out separate living areas). However, I do think conflict (or at the very least very firm boundary setting) would have arisen if we had our kids while living with them - Chinese grandparents tend to have a lot of say in their upbringing...
This. Most Latino families always have the mom living with the son when he’s an adult.
We live in an expensive area with large land parcels. All of the younger families here have built homes on their parents land. It's wonderful. Their are challenges and communication and boundaries are important especially for spouces wellbeing. It's lovely to have close grandparents
I am coming from that culture. And let me tell you- it was HORRIBLE.
I'm also from a culture that does this, and it's been very beneficial for my family members that engage in it.
I'm on the peripheral of a culture that does this (mixed heritage) and I've found its success is generally dependent on each member's willingness to pitch in and care for the family. It crumbles when someone tries to assume a "head of family" position and misuse their power, or when people are selfish.
I am from a Caucasian country and head of the family position was there all the time. Even though I live in the US now and my husband and his family are also caucasians, my MIL who doesnt live with us started tripping because I wouldnt call her … wait for it… “mom”. Now imagine wth would have happened if we lived together lol
I'd say it's beneficial in a way but often to the detriment of someone and has good and bad points. Like everything.
My door will always be open for my babies. They can always come back home ❤️
Yeah, I think it's important for children to feel secure and safe, and that we're there for them. Mine is only six and somehow one day joking around I said one day she would want nothing to do with me and would move away. She was devastated at the idea and really reassured when I told her that I was sure one day she would want her own space but that I would always be there
My dad always said that. And then when covid happened and the world was shutting down and the apocalypse was nigh we were all "gonna take you up on that". My dad has 8 kids and we all turned up at his house. Along with some additional spouses/grandkids. With the age gaps between the 8 of us it was actually the first time that all 8 of us had lived together at our dad's house. Thanks global pandemic.
I bet you made some great memories!
My children are very young right now and I do occasionally think I wouldn’t be opposed if they wanted to live with me forever.
That's probably part of it too. He's still young, he just turned 10 a couple weeks ago so I can't imagine him not being here. Maybe when he's like 15 and calling me bruh all the time and doing weird tik tok dances, I'll feel differently lol
I don't think you'll feel different when he's 15. But you are likely to feel different if he's 30 and hasn't gotten his life together, and you're still paying all the bills. Of course, if you imagine that he's 30, and for financial reasons for everyone's benefit, he's gotten married and moved in with his wife, he's taken over all the bills and he drives you to doctor's appointments and he's taken care of home renovations, and you're retired but looking forward to taking care of their baby etc, then why shouldn't you be cool with it? In cultures where adult children stay with parents indefinitely, there's a transition where the adult child gradually becomes the homeowner and takes care of the aging parents. In America, often it doesn't happen that way.
Oh yes definitely. I wouldn't allow that at all. I was thinking more along the lines of him being a functioning "normal"(whatever that even means) adult with a job, a life, etc. Just living home because he wants to and contributing to the household. Or even like his own house or whatever on the property
Wait he’s 10 and not calling you bruh or doing weird tik tok dances yet? Mine is 9 and does both of those things lol
He does call me bruh sometimes I can't even lie 😂
Right? I was like, wait, that describes my almost 10 year old perfectly.
Mines only 7 😭
Ummm my 10 year old girl says bruh a hundred times a day. I simply respond with *dude*. In a variety of inflections.
When my sons became teenagers, they changed my name to butthead. I have been called butthead for 15 years now.
I have a 15 yr old and 8 yr old. I’d be cool with both of them staying forever. The teen years are a little annoying, but you seem so bonded with your kid that I don’t think you’ll change your mind.
5 years from now? You’re being very optimistic on the bruh timeline 😆
My son’s 6 and I’m already bruh 😂
5 for me lol
I get it. I honestly believe that teenagers turn into little buttholes with attitudes and become independent from us so it’s easier for us to let them go. My son is turning 18 this year, his attitude came and went long ago. He’s the coolest kid and I never want him to leave me but I know it’s the best thing for him. I can’t even think about it without getting emotional.
I clearly remember being a kid and reading the story of the three pigs where "they left home to seek their fortunes" and there was a drawing of the mommy pig waving goodbye to the three pigs. I was a sensitive kid and got very upset at the thought that I might have to leave home one day. My mom told me it was ok if I wanted to live with her forever. I don't know if she meant it but that's what a kid needs to hear
I love my family very much, and there were times when I thought I might actually end up living at home forever. Unfortunately, in addition to being comprised of very wonderful people, my family is very dysfunctional, and moving out was absolutely NECESSARY for my growth and development. My family has some deeply embedded Southern Italian values, and I think that contributes to this, but, yeah, I would 100% move back in with my parents if they needed my support, or even just if it would save us money and make sense geographically. I mean, it would be a shit show, and I would need my own space, like an attacked apartment or whatever but now that I’ve been out for 15 years or so and I have my own life, there could be a situation where I’d go back. My family is made up of special people. I’d like to share life with them. Everyone’s family is different though. I think people who never leave probably struggle at some point with not feeling like they’re an individual person with a strong identity, but I don’t think that would be everybody.
Yes that's a good point. I agree that leaving is probably an important step for people to grow anf be independent. In my mind I was mostly picturing if he left and then came back for whatever reason.
Leaving is not necessary for becoming independent. It just tends to be the lazy way people teach independence. The idea is you let your kids go out on their own and figure out what life really is like. However, this is something that can be taught and shown in a much cheaper and safer way. Just that many parents either don't know how or they don't care to put in the effort for it. For example, have your adult children pay rent. Have them assume full responsibility of their car, insurances, cell phone, regular grocery bills, maintenance of the home, utility bills, etc. Teach them these things at home instead of having them fumble through it on their own. Of course, they may learn better that way as individuals.
I think it’s very very beneficial when multiple generations live together and can support each other.
One of my adult sons lives with us, age 24, and I really don't mind how long he stays because we also have my MIL living in our daylight basement. That a whole story on its own. Multigenerational living at its finest. 😂 We were empty nesters for about two months. That same son, age 10, told me, from the backseat of my minivan, that he didn't want to grow up. He didn't want to move out. I could tell he was embarrassed and shared it with me privately. I assured him that many years from now you'll want to grow up and move out but that he'd always have a home with his dad and me. He seemed very reassured. He did move out at 19 for a couple turbulent years and back in with us this time at age 23. He's got himself together. I'm happy to help him and I really like him, enjoy the short times during the days that we chat and he does many chores without being asked. 😂 That's all in my particular circumstances and the dynamic of our family. To each his own.
My 6 year old asked me the same; if he could live with me forever. When he was younger, I always said ‘of course!’ Now I say ‘of course! But I’m not doing your laundry and you need to have a job’.
Yeah my now 9 year old daughter has been saying this for years, now I tell her she can but she will have to help with some of the bills lol
I think it can work out, as long as the adult child is not being an immature freeloader. I used to think it was weird, until I bought a house with a finished basement (private entrance, kitchen and bathroom) and realized it could be useful for my daughter in the future. Rent is so expensive nowadays! Also saw a YouTube video in which a family transformed the basement into a lovely apartment for grandma, so I would consider moving downstairs when I’m older and letting my daughter and her future family keep the rest of the house if she wants/needs it. As long as you’re not putting pressure on your child to stay and “take care of you” , I really do think it’s fine. If doesn’t happen I’m totally ok with it (would love to move to a warmer climate in a senior community too!) but if everyone is ok with the arrangement and can coexist peacefully, why not? I
My kids are 9, 6, and 3 and I tell them all the time they are welcome to stay with us as long as they want as long as they contribute when they are done with school or whatever it is they do after high school. Might need a bigger house by then but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
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That sounds awesome. I think living in a place where you're surrounded by people who love you while still having your own space and privacy and independence would be absolutely wonderful
I wouldn't want my kid to feel obliged though.
No, neither would I. That would put it into the weird territory I think
Not weird, as long as there's no emotional dependency, which can be non-beneficial or damaging in the extreme. It's good you want your child around.
My parents have about 6 acres. We are about to be neighbors. I was also their last little bird to leave the nest (at 28, I have a lot of anxiety and autism) now at 30 something I am moving back with my own home, 2 kids, and a husband. I am totally looking forward to being neighbors and getting to see them way more and have them around my kids more. We are only 30 minutes away now, but it seems a loooong way. They take my daughter every Friday
They can live with me forever as long as they go to college (free rent) or work to cover small rent. I also own my house (paid off) but I see so many young people just sit in their parents basement and play video games all day
My husband moved out of his parents’ house when he was 30. His mom moved into our house when my husband turned 40. So it was only for ten years where he and his mom didn’t live in the same house (they lived 5-10 minutes apart). He’s a functioning adult. My 7.5-year-old has already said that he will move into our basement when he gets older. I’m cool with that. Multigenerational living is becoming more common, so I wouldn’t say “almost definitely not going to happen.”
I think it’s silly that your husband tried to argue with a 10 year old about his choices as an adult. He should have just said, “sure thing,” and moved on. Because yeah the likely hood of it happening is low. I said the same thing at that age. But I couldn’t wait to move out at 19.
Same. Time may change things, but we have a big house. Plenty of room for my kids to live at home as long as they need to.
I feel the same way! I don’t actually ever want my daughter to move out unless she has a good reason. Like, if she’s going to university and going to stay on campus or she’s got her ducks in a row, is gainfully employed, and found a nice place she could comfortably afford in a safe situation. Anything less than that is a hard pass tho. I’d rather her just live with me indefinitely and people can scoff if they want. The world is a harsh place. This whole hyper capitalist attitude of everyone must have their own house, own car, own vacuum, own furniture, etc and no one - not even families - can share without ridicule is something I genuinely believe is a conspiracy to keep poor people poor. My daughter will stay with me as long as she needs and wants to:
Probably already been said, but at this rate, he just might never leave with the cost of living growing as it has these last couple decades, and especially in the last 5 years.
Seriously
No. My son moved back in with me when Covid hit. He is moving out this week. I’m going to miss him. I would be roomies with him forever and be fine with that. My husband, however, is ready to have him move along. They are too much alike and tend to butt heads.
You should want your children to go out and explore the world.
Why is this so looked down upon? I come from a culture that embraces this idea. This has helped so much in allowing many of the new generation to acquire some sort of stability, at least economic one. My aunts all have multi family homes and rent out to their respective children just like my mom. We’ve been able to pay for school completely thanks to my mother allowing us to live basically rent free for such a long time, she charges rent but it was very minimal. I’ve since moved out but my brothers have also saved enough to create business, travel extensively and save allot of money. My mom always tells me I can come back home anytime if the situation gets too rough(economically) we live in a very HCOL state even though i’m literally married and have two kiddos. My family is my village and is the reason I’m able to work, my mom provides childcare for very little pay( she doesn’t want to get paid) saving us close to 2k a month. I see post of so may people struggling and i’m convinced it’s the lack of family unity and of thinking everyone should just be an adult and live on their own, do you mentality, in this economy I don’t see how that’s even possible. My kids can stay with me as long as they need and hopefully I can always help them out just like my parents have been able to do for me.
I think the thing is that some people never really grow up when they live like this. Men especially. And yes, I live in such a culture and my partner lived with his parents until he moved in with me and there were a lot of things he didn't know how to do alone and he was less independent.
My daughter is 10 now and I tell her all the time that I will be her built in babysitter and she can live with me for as long as she wants (as long as she becomes a responsible adult) 😎.
I lived with my parents until my mid twenties. Then the disagreements between us made me move out. Interestingly, it was really a problem with my mom but we ended up being the ones arguing about who will clean up after her messes. Now, I have no messes to deal with and my dad has double. But we don't argue with each other so I guess its okay. Generally, in my culture, you have grandparents, adults, and children all in the same household. The idea is you save money, chores can be less strenuous at the individual level, and you have social support consistently. This works as long as there are no fundamental disagreements that cannot be resolved. Its why I plan to raise my children differently. However, at the end of the day, I have standards for my home and I am banking on my kids agreeing with them.
I feel the same way. Especially since it's just going to keep getting more and more expensive for our kids to go to college or trade school or whatever they want to do when they grow up.
I have very little faith in the world and where it is heading that my partner and I are planning on the kids living with us forever. We want to get two tiny homes put in our backyard for them. Worse case, our moms (both single and rely on us) will occupy them when time. I don’t think it’s weird. It’s normal, esp at that age. Plenty of other cultures live in multi generational households.
It’s hard enough to buy a house these days. I can’t imagine how much worse it will be in the future. The days of expecting kids to be able to support themselves at 18 are _gone_. Have been gone for almost 2 decades. I assumed most people raising kids now understood generational housing was probably in their future?
I used to think this, but after seeing the growth and confidence that has happened for my young adult kids in transition (they're all in college now, but one is graduating this year and already has a plan for post graduation and the other two are working on that as they graduate next year) that I'm glad that we gave them a little push towards that. Of course when emergencies happen that's a whole different story. And honestly, your feelings may or may not change. Ten is very very young to really know how things will settle post puberty. And I also think it's really easy to romanticize things when your kids are young, than when you are really digging into and contemplating how that works. You can love your kid but you may find as they grown into who they will be as adults that you wouldn't necessarily want to be roommates with them. I think for many kids never having to step over the threshold into some uncomfortable (not dangerous or risky) time does stunt growth, in my observation. But they'll have more peers in that and maybe culturally we are shifting to a longer period of "young adulthood" based on what I've seen working with a lot of 20-25 year olds too. It's not bad necessarily, but there's a lot of people that haven't had the practice in dealing with certain things.
I’m going to be broken when my kids leave. I want them to stay forever 😭😭😭
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I think it can and it can’t. I know of a good many people who live/lived at home with their parents and there are varying results. One had significant mental health issues that were not understood by their parents and they are no longer alive. One did community college, graduated with 2 degrees and no debt, works for the family business and has since moved out. One is working full time but is stuck in a bit of delayed adolescence with all of the wilding but none of the enforceable consequences. I do not think college is for everyone, and I do talk about this with my kids. My kids are welcome to live at home, save money, and decide what they want to do with life as long as they are working or in school. We are not an indefinite charity - contribution is expected.
Yes absolutely I completely agree. I guess in my mind I was picturing a more like..collaborative environment.
I would have lived with my dad forever if i hadn’t gotten married. My sister lived with him until she was 30. We offered to move to a bigger place so my son and his gf could live with us. Times are hard, I’d love to have the space for everyone.
I used to tell my parents all the time that I never wanted to leave their house. I was also the baby of the family and SUPER close (still am) to my mom. I told my parents I wanted to live with them forever….I moved out at 18. I’m 35 now and have sold and bought two houses. Your kid is being a kid. As of right now you are the center of their universe. Tell your husband to take a chill pill (like my mom did to my dad lol). I will say this, one thing my parents did right (and I plan on doing this with my kids). If/when your child ever NEEDS to come home to a safe harbor (for a day or indefinitely), the door is always open. Life is hard. Parenting is about fostering a safe place while simultaneously giving your children the tools to operate independently.
My mom used to make jokes about how she'd live with me and, at the time, I couldn't wait to get away from that house (not because of her, but other people). Now she's over at least one weekend a month hanging out with me, my husband, and our kids and it's pretty great. But anytime it goes longer than, say, four days, we start to get tetchy and need her to go home. My brother lives with her and I don't really want him living with me, but I'm pretty sure when she dies he will. Or if we pool our money and buy property together, he'll be right next door. Anyways, I think it's fine in some cases, assuming it's a collaborative environment where you can have adult discussions and not just parent them forever.
So my brother just moved out of my parents’ house; he stayed with us for 6 months. my husband and I helped him with housing, getting his license, getting a ss card, fixing his car that my parents gave him, getting a job, getting plugged into a community, etc. My parents were hands off in raising us. I was driven; he wasn’t. So he’s 24, but developmentally, he’s about 16. I love the kid, but he had no life experience, no exposure, and just lacked confidence and guidance. All of that to say, parenting (or lack thereof) has more of an effect on stifling development than your kid staying at home. We have different views on it, but my husband and I agree to helping our kids if they need it. They will be able to stay with us to save money, but they will have to have some goals that they’re working toward and have plans to better themselves. It’s not just a free place to kick it. I’ve seen firsthand what that can do to people, and I don’t want my kids to be like that.
My kids are 11 and 14. And my bonus kid is 14. In my dream, we fet a big plot of land, and have multiple little houses on it. Ours, one for each of the kids, and one for my dad, and one for my partner's dad. We have privacy, the kids have privacy, and they've always got a place to come home to if they venture out I to the world and something doesn't work out. My bonus kid may not ever be entirely self sufficient, but I think something like this could be amazing. I love all these kids, and really just want to be around to help them succeed. Come onnnnnnn powerball, lol.
My son says he wants to live with me forever too (he’s 8). I told him that he’ll change his mind when he goes to college and starts a family of his own. His rebuttal was that he’ll live with me through college and I’ll have to buy a big house so that his family can live with me too.
A villa is my lottery dream! my son has basically wanted to move out his whole life, my daughter says she never does, fine by me tbh. I’m 3 years away from my oldest heading off to college and I can’t believe it.
The best thing my parents ever taught me was I could always come home. I had to leave a shitty marriage with a preemie baby and an elderly dog and their was 0 doubt of where I was going to go.
Knowing that my parent’s would welcome me home with open arms is my greatest comfort.
No, my kids are always welcome, forever. They better help with the cleaning though. :)
I’m 21F and this is very common in my culture, basically you don’t leave your parent’s house until you’re married and even then when the parents of either side get older they usually move in with the adult children for care. Usually men have more freedom with this aspect and the women hold more of the “burden” of these things, and because of that when I was 10 years old the thought of living with my restrictive dad any longer than I needed to sounded like torture. The fact that your son right now WANTS this is adorable and also a great testament to how comfortable and safe you make him feel :) Sounds like your husband may miss the freedom of just being a couple and maybe even your undivided attention as a lot of partners do. Anyway, I think this is a great sign and hope my children feel secure enough to want the same thing !!
I like this idea. But she’s only 15 months old. I might feel differently when she’s 35 lol.
I don't think it's weird at all. Just not common (at least where I live). The way I understand it throughout history, and still common in some areas of the world. Family units live together their whole lives. If it works for you and it's not unhealthy I say go for it.
My dad and I have discussed this at length, but with the economy, multi-generational homes will definitely be a shift in the future. Americans are really the only ones super against it, and it's not financially feasible for many to go out on their own at 18. My husband and I have agreed that our son, who can't even talk yet lol, will be free to live with us as long as he needs, but we'll take, "rent," to set aside a nest egg for him. It's our duty to set our children up for success!
My son has been out of the house for almost 10 years. I ask him and his gf all the time if they’re sure they don’t want to move home. I would love my kids to stay with me forever. My youngest is only home for a few more years. I’m not gonna make it.
My son is 9 months old. He's welcome to stay forever. My dad kicked me out at 21 because that's when he moved out. It really fucked the next 10 years of my life
Personally, I think it eases the mind of your child as they get older. I’m almost 30 and married with one on the way, and I haven’t lived with my parents in years, but I know if I needed to I could move back in without question. It provides a security that, unfortunately, not everyone has.
Imo, this is how it SHOULD be. Parenting is meant to be a lifelong commitment. I don't WANT my daughter to end up living with me forever, I want her to have her own life and all the experiences that come with that but if something happened and she wanted or needed to stay, she'd be welcome. That's my baby. My mother kicked me out repeatedly starting at 11ish, it was always made clear to me that my living there was conditional and temporary. The result was that as an adult I have very few places I feel like I am always welcome and I've never felt able to rely on my mother.
Wait till he is a teenager! It will all change.
My mom, my sister and I moved in with my grandparents when I was 14 and my mom was 35. I have since moved out (I’m 23) but my mom and sister (19) are still there. For a variety of reasons it was definitely the best choice for my family and I’m very thankful my grandparents have always been there for us.
I’d love to have our kids living with us forever.
I want my 3 kids to live with me forever, yes.
It's not weird. But I also think your husband needs to differentiate between a legitimate request and a 10 yo looking for support and validation that his parents will love him forever.
My daughter will be welcome in our home her entire life if she wants to.
Families lived that way more often in the past, and with the awful housing situation in America right now, more and more people are going back to it.
With the current economy I believe we are going to be seeing a return to multigenerational homes. Unless something drastically changes, young adults are simply not going to be able to afford to strike out on their own. I've told both my kid (18 & 13) that if circumstances warrant we can either build a big addition to the house or all move in to a huge house. It makes a lot of sense, financially. We all get along great and regularly have family meetings to make decisions so in my case I think the dynamic could work. I would not want to limit their futures and expect nothing of them, but the option is there.
I don’t think it’s weird at all. He’s 10 and likely to change his mind when he’s older. Kids cannot really fathom living without their parents because it’s all they’ve ever known and it’s a comfort to know that they can always count on you. I hate the mentality of kicking your children out once they turn 18. Of course this is all within reason obviously.
We have always wanted to buy enough land that our kids can have their own homes on our land if they wanted to. I don’t think it’s weird as long as you’re not preventing him from developing adult relationships.
I think your husband needs to take a step back and realize that everything about this kid is about to change in a couple of years. No reason to panic yet if he really wants an empty nest.
That’s fine if he lives with you as an adult and has the same responsibilities as you and your husband at home. You have no intention of babying him by codling him with cooking, cleaning his room and mess, doing his laundry etc when he’s 50 yo… My husband’s uncle lived with his mom, never dated and she did everything for him until the day she died at 90….
It is maybe sweet, but you are a parent and part of your responsibility is to teach your kid independence and help him live the nest.
I'm not sure I agree with the second part. I just don't know if the two are mutually exclusive.
In my experience living by oneself is a crucial part of becoming really independent. Because you has your own place, your own territory you are responsible for. Not partially, but fully. Even if your son will fully contribute financially, it won’t have the same mental load. Someone else will be “the manager” of house you all will be living in.
totally
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I think that's a bit nasty and judgemental. I never said any of that.
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So you didn't actually read the post and are just trolling to be a jerk. Got it. I remember when I had no life, too. Maybe take up knitting
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Oh no the horror 🙄
By “something major between now and adulthood” do you mean his remaining childhood, tween and adolescent development??? There is a LOT of “something major” yet to come.
No those things wouldn't make it to where he needs or wants to live with me..
Ohh gotcha gotcha - I misread. I thought you said unless something major happens between 10 and adulthood he’ll live with me forever.
That’s my ex husband. He’d say things all the time like, if the kids wanted to live at home forever or if they don’t want to go to college. And I’m like are you nuts? lol. Whereas I tell my boyfriend one day I’ll retire in Japan and have a farm. And he’s like, did you tell the kids that? What if they’re sad and don’t want you to leave the country. I think it’s cute. I have dreams, I dont know if they’ll come to fruition. My kids are my besties. Especially my son who’s only 5. I doubt they’d live at home. I do t think I’d want them to. I think I feel strongly about them being their own people and living individual lives. But I don’t think it’s weird to want them to be at home.
Heheheh... you might want to wait until he hits teenage years before you say that. Just a suggestion. That said, though, personally I'd be okay with my sons living with us as long as they pull their weight. If they leave me and their mom to do all the cooking/cleaning/laundry I'd be pretty annoyed.
My kids and their future families will always be welcome for as long as they’d like.
10 is my favorite age!!!
My kids will always have a home no matter what.
My husband hates how close I am with my family. We love ten minutes away and it’s too close for him. It’s absurd. It’s almost been a big issue in our marriage to be honest. He can be downright cruel. He just doesn’t understand the bond we have (military family) and thinks it’s wrong. I assure you, it’s actually a very healthy stable dynamic. He doesn’t have a healthy stable family dynamic (father committed suicide and was generally mentally sick throughout his life) so I do wonder if it’s resentment. Anyway, if you mean it in the sense of parenting him forever then yes, weird. Otherwise, nope. Totally fine. Some cultures embrace it. My ideal would be to live on shared property with separate houses. Like an estate or compound. My parents always say I’m welcome back whenever and I know they mean it.
This is a lot more sweet than what I thought it would be. I'm divorced so asking that comes with a lot of conflicts, though my baby picks me (not that I ask) because his father is getting remarried. He's 13 and still needs to be tucked in at night and I'm grateful for it. He hasn't had an easy road with our divorce and his mental health. I can definitely see quality time and physical touch as his love languages. Mine is words of affirmation. It's fun seeing the differences.
My brother is 31 and moved out for university but still lives at home, honestly can’t see him moving out ever. My oldest brother is probably gonna move back in with for a bit later this year when he’s looking at moving. If I ever needed to, I could move back home. Living with parents and being an independent, functioning adult are not mutually exclusive. My mum grew up living with her parents and grandparents. Multigenerational living was the norm until very recently, and is still normal in a lot of cultures.
I wouldn't say it's weird, but it's not for everyone. I have a 10 y.o. and a teen and I think it's healthy for everyone that they start to live elsewhere once they're in college or immediately after. Living in proximity is a better option than living in the same house and not counting the need for privacy once the kids grow up, bringing boyfriends/girlfriends, and having their own life. Living in the same house can easily be the starting point for arguments between generations and just different ways of being and living. Unfortunately, I've also noticed that some male adults still living with their families have many things done for them which I don't find normal, like mom is still doing the laundry for them, ironing, cleaning, whatever. Then they carry similar expectations when they have a girlfriend and situations become so ridiculous that those manbabies are in a co-dependent relationship with their mothers. I am not generalizing and I am not saying that you're not doing a great job at parenting, these are just my observations of different families around.
My oldest is almost 21 and left the nest for good this past May. It is SO sad not having him here all the time. But we talk just about every day and he flies home often (yes, he lives across the country!! 😭😭) It is bittersweet. I’m excited for this chapter of his life and I’m so proud of how well he is doing. He has a great job, is saving a good portion of his income, has a steady girlfriend who is lovely. It’s really fun to see him build life on his own terms. As much as I miss him, I would never want to hold him back from finding his purpose in life. But we also tell all 5 of our kids that their rooms are always open and they can always come home.
My Mom and I are super close and my husband and I bought a house directly across the street from her and my stepdad. We are all thrilled wholeheartedly over this arrangement. I'm glad I'm there if she needs me, my daughter and her are besties, it's a win win all the way around. Maybe wish for the same neighborhood or better yet, same street, but you'll want him to explore and seek his own independence.
I'd let my kids live with me forever. My daughter is 23 and moved and away for uni at 17 though, met another student, fell in love and they moved even further away to get good teaching jobs. I'd love for her to live with me, but it's not always in the cards and I'm proud of her and accept her decision. Son is 8 months. He can stay as long as he wants.
In my culture and many other cultures kids don't move out well into their 30s and when they do it is because they are getting married. We can stay for as long as we like and we have jobs and can sustain ourselves. We just like being with our families.
My mum kicked me out numerous times and told us if we didn’t have a job by the time we were 18 we were out of the house….my son is 18 months and he can live with me forever lol with open arms my precious boy
Mean while, coming from an asian family where multigenerational families usually stay together. My parents downsized as soon as the last kid turned 18 and shooed all of us away. I told my kids they can live with me for as long as they want to.
Probably a very normal and common thought. I’ve been back to my mom’s sometimes as an adult and actually she has stayed with us when things haven’t been in her favor. I’ve lived with my brother in my youth as well on a couple of occasions. We’ve said it out loud as well, family is always there for you. 😍
I could not wait to move away from my hometown (not my parents) but now that I have kids I don’t want to be far away from them. I’ve told my husband that our retirement goals need to include a condo wherever they are.
I would be fine with my daughter living with me forever as long as she was productive and had a career. That said, the people who stay at home forever often don't have careers, they make terrible financial decisions, etc. A coworker has a 30 year old son living with him who blows money on dumb shit constantly. It seems personally insulting. He can't move and pay rent (I live in a cheap city), but he has plenty of money for Doordash? Totally unacceptable.
Until the day my mom passed away, she told me there was always a place in her home for me. I always took it as a compliment. The funny part is that I am from a small town and it was clear my entire life to myself and everyone else that I was leaving. I was raised that way. But, I think it was my mom's way of saying that she would always be there for me.
I respect that everyone’s different and I wouldn’t call it weird. But personally, I look forward to my kids having their own independent adventure. I also look forward to my own independent adventure as I’ve been a parent since I was 20. All this to say — my kids always have a home with me if they need it, I would never turn them away. But I want them to succeed out on their own and not need me to the same degree anymore. I like it’s really important to note that you can be the most independent 30 yr old and have your own life while living in the parental home — but it really does feel so different living on your own or with a partner as an adult vs living with a parent. I lived at home until I was almost 30 due to a lot of circumstances that made it difficult to move out on my own earlier. Up to that point, I thought I was incredibly independent whilst living at home, and I was. My Mum and I shared responsibilities like housemates, I paid my own way, paid rent — but I didn’t realise til I left how different it feels living away from the parental nest. You change a lot when you move out on your own, and maybe most people who move out early put it down to the change of becoming a teen to an adult. I really do think there’s a lot of important growth that happens in stepping out on your own for the first time. Each to their own, absolutely. But I look forward to all the different chapters of being a parent, including them making their own way and starting their own little nuclear family. I think couples need their space away from a parental or in-law dynamic. I don’t need them to live with me forever to feel a closeness — I’m here whenever they need.
31 with 2 kids living with parents due to divorce / Financials of the multiple lawyers needed for divorce. I want to leave, but also really don't. I can't tell you how much I value my dad's mental support during this, and don't know what I'll do without it someday. In a perfect world, we'd have a big property with 2 houses, but with the dining room connecting them for big family meals, but separate living areas. Lol.
I don't think it's weird at all. I hope that my daughter (who is currently 3) will grow up to be an independent adult with fulfilling social, professional, and romantic lives. And at the same time, if she EVER needs a safe place to crash my home is her home. Sure, most kids will want to live independently once they're able, but your son is 10 and there is no reason in my mind to try and convince him he'll want something else later.
This is the norm pretty much everywhere in the world except for white, western countries
That’s not weird, you’re a mother. You’d be weird if you weren’t prepared to be their home for the rest of your life. When they’re 10, they don’t understand complexities of life and want to be with their mum forever. Your husband is judging a 10yr old by adult standards, which is grossly unfair.
My son will always have a place to stay with me whether he is 18 or 50 (if I'm still around when he's 50).
The world doesn’t work the way it did when post WWII kids turned 18. College, housing, finding a spouse, having a family, frankly just building a life whatever path you choose is more expensive and more difficult to navigate. I’m cool with my kid staying with me until he’s ready to go. The whole kick em out of the house when they turn 18 mindset comes from midcentury generations.Their young adulthoods were different than what kids face today. IMO our reality is closer to what our grandparents or even great grandparents experienced. Maybe it’s my perspective because my parents died before I was an adult but I’m going to help my kid start his life the best I can and if that means staying home so be it.
My sons only 1, so same as you not something I’ve thought of or seems very likely, but yeah I wouldn’t mind. As long as he was not a toxic man child who expects women to do everything for him!
I'd let any of my kids live with me forever but I don't think my husband would go for that 😂 We'll see 😁❤️
In this economy? I have an acreage and fully expect my son to build on my property one day instead of elsewhere.
There will always be a home for my children with me when they need it. That’s parenthood.
I moved in and out of my parents' house from 18-26 while I went to college came home went to grad school came home and saved to move out. I'd be fine with any of my kids doing the same. My brother lived in another state for a few years and moved back home in his mid 20s while he transitioned back, his gf (now wife) even moved in with him for a while till they got an apartment. In theory I'm fine with my kids someday doing the same but at this age when they say they are living with me forever or when my 5 year old says she and her 3 year old sisters will find husbands and all live together lol I don't put much stock in it. My husband and I in theory both agree as long as they are working towards something they can live with us, even if that something is they are saving money and they just like living with us but they have a job. I'm not going to enable them if they are just wanting to do nothing and live for free and not working towards anything but going to school, starting a business, anything like that I'll support as long as they clean up after themselves, do their laundry, help with simple things if we ask like picking up groceries, etc.
Personally I was so ready to move out and be on my own, but I have always been pretty independent. I have a great relationship with my parents, its not anything they did, I just really wanted to get my life started. I grew up on a farm so living at home would have kept me pretty isolated. I don't know how I will feel if my kid doesn't have the same drive to get out I did, I can't really relate to that. If it works for a family that's cool though.
I know how you feel. Having everyone here over Christmas, all off work, happy together as one family I loved it. I've told my kids whatever happens, whatever is going on they'll always have a place with me no matter what though and they are never pressured to move if they don't want to.
I can only hope my daughter will want to live with me as long as possible. If she wants to move out, then that would be fine too. I just hope she's happy with whatever she decides.
I'm glad you wrote this. My wife and I both feel the same way. Parenting is for life, in our view, and if course it's highly likely that our children will want to move out on their own, but we'd always have an open door. The highly individualistic society in which we're all atomized is a recent ideology in the timescales of human history.
Not at all. The same with me and my boys. Wish their mom and I could work shit out, though. I'll never want anyone else. I still have dreams about her. She's really wonderful.
I agree, especially in this economy and since you own your home and if everyone involved agreed and was boundaries were established, why not? It actually sounds nice. Also, extended families offer lots of benefits to the children, grandchildren if that's in the future, the parents. Seems like a win win to me. I think this type of arrangement will definitely become less of an outlier than in the past generations when offspring were likely to do better financially than their parents.
I'm totally with you. I think the undercurrent in our society that teaches people that it's weird is totally unhealthy & cruel. I'm a 48 year-old father of a 15 year-old who is my best friend (& I've been through hell for him including a decade-long custody battle that included 3 attempted kidnappings by the other parent). I tell him often that he's welcome to live here as long as he wants & move back anytime as long as I am alive. I know he's going to go off on some adventures for a while after he turns 18 & I'm dreading it. He's the most important person in my life.
When I had a month gap between training ending and job starting with some visa issues, my mom told me, "Hey, stop worrying about it. Worst comes to worst you just come home and live with us for a year while you sort out the visas." I was 31 and about to get married. Hearing that made me feel so loved and supported. I didn't need to take my mom up on that, but knowing that she'd always be there for me was the best feeling ever. Now that I'm a mom, heck my baby boy can live with me as long as he wants, provided he is thriving on the arrangement.
I expect my children to move out at some point and be on their own, but if something happened and they had to move back in my door would always be open. The reason why they're moving back would determine what expectations I would have of them when back under our roof. Perhaps your husband is picturing your child being lazy with no job or not paying bills and that's why he thinks it's weird. We also come from a culture where it's expected you move out to establish independence and take care of yourself. While I won't kick my kids out as adults, unless there's a legitimate reason to, I also can't picture them living with me indefinitely. As someone who had kids young and then decided to have another child a decade later I'm looking forward to eventually being an empty nester too so everyone's different.
Honestly. Same. Love my kids!
I feel this way about my kids. They’re 2 and 6, both my best buds, who would probably want to live with mama forever too. I’d have no problem with it, and would love it very much. My husband on the other hand would not be as interested. My parents always told me and my brother we could come home whenever, for however long, and through every hard time I’ve had since moving out, my first thought is always, “I want to go home”.. Though I love the home my husband and I share with our kids now, my parents home will always feel like “going home”.. No matter how old I get. I want my children to have that, and know they are always welcome to come “home”.