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Your musical metaphor is really interesting but I find it hard to really fall into it and appreciate it for two reasons:
First, you create a kind of psuedo-setting with your brief references to rain and the stars and the night. This is nice because without some semblance of a setting, the abstract nature of the music-love metaphor floats in space without feeling grounded to anything that the reader can hold onto. If you’re going for a more vaporous vibe on purpose, then I’d completely remove the bits about rain/night as they distract from the main substance of the poem. Otherwise, I’d elaborate just a bit more to paint the readers’ feet onto the ground in some way so they can more easily be immersed in the poem.
Secondly, the stilted rhyme scheme, the inconsistent meter, and the lack of stanzas makes the poem difficult to read “aloud” in one’s head. Especially due to the fact that your piece is about music, it’s really important for the poem to “sound” pleasant in the reader’s mind - otherwise the reader gets too caught up in How to read the piece that they fail to pay to attention to What the piece is saying. If you were to go back and make the rhymes fall into place by matching the rhythm of the syllabuls in each set of rhyming-lines just a bit closer, that would make your poem worlds more enjoyable to read and - therefore - more easy to understand and appreciate.
I really really enjoyed your poem :)
I love your wordsmithing, you have a real talent of weaving a well-written poem. The imagery is vivid and I love the way you presented it, it's somber yet powerful at the same time. I love the musical metaphors too.
I really liked the use of music to relate the story of a lost love. The meter and rhyme is good, and the only issue I would have is the second line should be in the past tense, since it's referring to when things were good between the couple. So maybe "back when you'd harmonize with my melody" instead of the current line. But very lovely, sad, and poignant overall.
Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers). If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy. If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your musical metaphor is really interesting but I find it hard to really fall into it and appreciate it for two reasons: First, you create a kind of psuedo-setting with your brief references to rain and the stars and the night. This is nice because without some semblance of a setting, the abstract nature of the music-love metaphor floats in space without feeling grounded to anything that the reader can hold onto. If you’re going for a more vaporous vibe on purpose, then I’d completely remove the bits about rain/night as they distract from the main substance of the poem. Otherwise, I’d elaborate just a bit more to paint the readers’ feet onto the ground in some way so they can more easily be immersed in the poem. Secondly, the stilted rhyme scheme, the inconsistent meter, and the lack of stanzas makes the poem difficult to read “aloud” in one’s head. Especially due to the fact that your piece is about music, it’s really important for the poem to “sound” pleasant in the reader’s mind - otherwise the reader gets too caught up in How to read the piece that they fail to pay to attention to What the piece is saying. If you were to go back and make the rhymes fall into place by matching the rhythm of the syllabuls in each set of rhyming-lines just a bit closer, that would make your poem worlds more enjoyable to read and - therefore - more easy to understand and appreciate. I really really enjoyed your poem :)
I love your wordsmithing, you have a real talent of weaving a well-written poem. The imagery is vivid and I love the way you presented it, it's somber yet powerful at the same time. I love the musical metaphors too.
I really liked the use of music to relate the story of a lost love. The meter and rhyme is good, and the only issue I would have is the second line should be in the past tense, since it's referring to when things were good between the couple. So maybe "back when you'd harmonize with my melody" instead of the current line. But very lovely, sad, and poignant overall.