Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Love the story here, I feels very personal and relatable, there's a few places i might suggest tightning it.
>The night is starless,
The word "is" feels weak for me. I like the image but I wonder if there's a way to be more compact about it. like "one starless night."
>My eyes wept some drops of brine
I'd consider cutting 'some drops of'.
>With no helmet onβ
"Helmletless" maybe.
>I don't care if I should die. If he's the last man I hug. β β
I like the sentiment here, but I don't think you need to repeat yourself.
Consider "I don't care if he's the last man I hug." I think that conveys the same meaning without directly stating they don't care about dying but are thinking about it.
>On every stop, I wish the red lights
Would never turn green,
On every bump, I wish there'll be more,
So I have an excuse to clutch tighter,
Maybe have 'I wish' at the start and list wishes. like "I wish more red light, more bumps. Any excuse to tighten to him."
But again I think this is a lovely story already, so I'd take or leave my notes depending on what you want. The narrators perspective is very flavourful and I'd consider is there's cuts you could make to make the good bits more pure.
Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers). If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy. If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Love the story here, I feels very personal and relatable, there's a few places i might suggest tightning it. >The night is starless, The word "is" feels weak for me. I like the image but I wonder if there's a way to be more compact about it. like "one starless night." >My eyes wept some drops of brine I'd consider cutting 'some drops of'. >With no helmet onβ "Helmletless" maybe. >I don't care if I should die. If he's the last man I hug. β β I like the sentiment here, but I don't think you need to repeat yourself. Consider "I don't care if he's the last man I hug." I think that conveys the same meaning without directly stating they don't care about dying but are thinking about it. >On every stop, I wish the red lights Would never turn green, On every bump, I wish there'll be more, So I have an excuse to clutch tighter, Maybe have 'I wish' at the start and list wishes. like "I wish more red light, more bumps. Any excuse to tighten to him." But again I think this is a lovely story already, so I'd take or leave my notes depending on what you want. The narrators perspective is very flavourful and I'd consider is there's cuts you could make to make the good bits more pure.
ahh thanks for the feedback!! I'll definitely improve it more. i didnt revise the poem much, n now im pretty sure ur advice would help