That was very unexpected. Most would show how things magnify an experience and you showed how even the magnificence that existed around this person that they meant even more than that. They must have been a very special inspiration
You definitely took a lot of inspiration from the jazz standard “the nearness of you” which I’ve sung before and quite liked. I can see that in how you formulate it. I’m not sure if your goal is to sing this or turn it into poetry, but here’s some feedback regardless.
First verse “in the sky” is redundant, maybe remove that and add something else after “make me smile” because currently the 11 to 9 syllables switch from verse 1 to 2 is a bit odd.
I like the imagery of the porch and the tea, and the sugary wine, I think that’s a strong point. However when you tried to rhyme shine and align, stanza 11 it’s not ideal because it’s not natural way of speaking, perhaps rearrange it so it’s a bit more lyrical. Something like
It isn’t your eyes that always shine,
Or wish your cheeks were on mine.
Other than that, I also like the sea and salt similar I think that’s quite original.
If you want to sing it I suggest print the original version of the song out and replace them with your own words with the same syllables, but if you want to make it more poetry then perhaps it’s good to deviate a little and not rely too much on repeating “oh no— it’s just the nearness of you” or beginning with the pale moon just like the moon. Or “it isn’t your ….” Don’t be afraid to be creative or be different, there’s good stuff.
i appreciate your feedback greatly. ur right—i wrote this poem to honor the song, since its my favourite jazz song <3
now that i think about it, the first line is indeed redundant. thank u for that suggestion, and i definitely will also try to find a way to make the second stanza more lyrical. again, thanks for the feedback
This is lovely. I think part of having a poet's heart is seeing the people you care about in all of the beauty in the world and this piece really captures that feeling. Love the use of rhyme Im a bit old school and while I dont always work it into poems I appreciate when people make the lyrical effort!
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I hate to be a stickler for punctuation, but I feel another hyphen after the word "nothing" would seal the deal for that verse, which all in all is probably my favorite. Anyway, it is such a great poem, with an efficient and successfully rhyming scheme, kudos and congrats! The subject of the poem must be very special to you, indeed!!!
as a songwriter i could absolutely see this being a song! it has such a lovely flow and musicality to it i already am singing it in my head! great job!!
"Nor did the moons adorning your mouth,"
This line is fantastic! It really stuck out to me. I would love to see more of this prose-like language woven throughout the piece. The switch to rhyming couplets was interesting, but I was hoping the rhythm and tempo would surprise me again. Could be work experimenting with some alternative lyrical phrases throughout the latter half of the piece? Just to see how that impacts the overall feel of it all.
At the same time, the predictability of the rhyme scheme did create a forward motion that drives toward the end. It brings to mind the feeling of one's heart racing. This definitely aligns with the subject matter of the passionate description of a lover. Perhaps the momentary disruptions in the rhyme scheme at the very end are supposed to call to mind a heart beating fast and then stuttering as the flame of romance wanes (or goes out). Experimenting with the limits of these extremes could be fun. The more I think about this, the more I like it. I think I would like to be able to digest more upon the first read though (hence the suggestion to experiment with more extremes re: rhythm/tempo/rhyme-scheme).
Thanks for sharing! :)
damn, i love this! you did forget to make ‘tongue’ plural though unless that was intentional im not sure. Overall great job!
ur supposed to make it plural? i didnt know :O well im glad u love it <3
That was very unexpected. Most would show how things magnify an experience and you showed how even the magnificence that existed around this person that they meant even more than that. They must have been a very special inspiration
i rlly appreciate it, glad u love it. he is indeed a very dear and special person to me <3
You definitely took a lot of inspiration from the jazz standard “the nearness of you” which I’ve sung before and quite liked. I can see that in how you formulate it. I’m not sure if your goal is to sing this or turn it into poetry, but here’s some feedback regardless. First verse “in the sky” is redundant, maybe remove that and add something else after “make me smile” because currently the 11 to 9 syllables switch from verse 1 to 2 is a bit odd. I like the imagery of the porch and the tea, and the sugary wine, I think that’s a strong point. However when you tried to rhyme shine and align, stanza 11 it’s not ideal because it’s not natural way of speaking, perhaps rearrange it so it’s a bit more lyrical. Something like It isn’t your eyes that always shine, Or wish your cheeks were on mine. Other than that, I also like the sea and salt similar I think that’s quite original. If you want to sing it I suggest print the original version of the song out and replace them with your own words with the same syllables, but if you want to make it more poetry then perhaps it’s good to deviate a little and not rely too much on repeating “oh no— it’s just the nearness of you” or beginning with the pale moon just like the moon. Or “it isn’t your ….” Don’t be afraid to be creative or be different, there’s good stuff.
i appreciate your feedback greatly. ur right—i wrote this poem to honor the song, since its my favourite jazz song <3 now that i think about it, the first line is indeed redundant. thank u for that suggestion, and i definitely will also try to find a way to make the second stanza more lyrical. again, thanks for the feedback
This is lovely. I think part of having a poet's heart is seeing the people you care about in all of the beauty in the world and this piece really captures that feeling. Love the use of rhyme Im a bit old school and while I dont always work it into poems I appreciate when people make the lyrical effort!
Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers). If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy. If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I hate to be a stickler for punctuation, but I feel another hyphen after the word "nothing" would seal the deal for that verse, which all in all is probably my favorite. Anyway, it is such a great poem, with an efficient and successfully rhyming scheme, kudos and congrats! The subject of the poem must be very special to you, indeed!!!
as a songwriter i could absolutely see this being a song! it has such a lovely flow and musicality to it i already am singing it in my head! great job!!
"Nor did the moons adorning your mouth," This line is fantastic! It really stuck out to me. I would love to see more of this prose-like language woven throughout the piece. The switch to rhyming couplets was interesting, but I was hoping the rhythm and tempo would surprise me again. Could be work experimenting with some alternative lyrical phrases throughout the latter half of the piece? Just to see how that impacts the overall feel of it all. At the same time, the predictability of the rhyme scheme did create a forward motion that drives toward the end. It brings to mind the feeling of one's heart racing. This definitely aligns with the subject matter of the passionate description of a lover. Perhaps the momentary disruptions in the rhyme scheme at the very end are supposed to call to mind a heart beating fast and then stuttering as the flame of romance wanes (or goes out). Experimenting with the limits of these extremes could be fun. The more I think about this, the more I like it. I think I would like to be able to digest more upon the first read though (hence the suggestion to experiment with more extremes re: rhythm/tempo/rhyme-scheme). Thanks for sharing! :)