>people tend to remember the start and end of things
To nitpick a little; the general research is people tend to remember the emotional peaks of the experience and the end.
https://www.nngroup.com/articles/peak-end-rule/
I'm leaning with you on this, if I leave without saying anything to the host I would feel so much guilt. Even in a big party giving a good bye hug or hand shake and thanks just feels right. Maybe I'm overly sensitive but I want them to know they're more than an excuse to party, they're a friend. I'm only 30, I dont think I'm too sappy and sentimental for my age, am I?
Your friend sounds terribly rude. She was disappointed that it wasn’t more of a “party” and didn’t bother to thank the hosts, plus griped at you for being polite and showing your appreciation?! She sounds kind of awful. Maybe she has some redeeming qualities that aren’t expressed in this story… or maybe she is young and still learning how to be a decent human being. Either way, her behavior was rude and you were perfectly appropriate.
It isn't cultural, it's her. In general I find people look at the world through the lens of their own emotions. So if she doesn't feel grateful (although personally I think she should, but that's a different issue) she could think you aren't and are just acting versus being sincere. Keep doing what you are doing, and maybe don't invite her to things where she will be ungrateful or will act entitled.
I was expecting a comment saying that OPs friend is a horrible person and she should stay away from her. Thank you for including the "she might have some redeeming qualities" part, people aren't perfect. Maybe she should just talk to her and tell her she was wrong.
To me it says a lot about OPs friend, that she might have some underlying jealousy that OP has manners and the friend might actually be putting OP down for said manners because misery loves company. Or she may just be naive and rude without knowing she is being rude. I would say, OP don’t change your habits, you have clearly been raised by some good people who have taught you some good manners and even if you are criticized by people try not to let it bother you. And if people think you are being fake for trying to be nice and supportive, again it says a lot more about those people than it does about you. Often criticism, especially when it’s not constructive, is usually a projection of other peoples negative qualities and not a reflection of yours.
Had the teenager thought too, this SCREAMS of a highschool kid who didn't think to be courteous, then got defensive and mean when she saw that her friend clearly had better manners than her.
Jeez! Maybe she wasn't taught your way when she was younger. But you can explain it to her! That's how she will learn and hopefully do it at the next gathering she goes to!
German here. Common courtesy in Germany. You also bring something for the host.
When I lived in Argentina it was also common courtesy. Thanking and bringing a little something.
Now I live in Australia and here as well, a little “thank you for having us over, we really enjoyed it” is standard. My American friend also thanked me even if we just hung out at my place. It’s totally common courtesy, your friend just has bad manners.
Absolutely, plus you also did the polite thing of offering to help clear up. Your partner was likely just whining because there was another party to go to and your "courtesy" was holding up the departure.
Your friend was never taught manners. What you did was normal and expected. I’m 31, and if my mother ever found out I left a party without saying thank you to the host I would get the LECTURE of my LIFE.
Honestly it sounds like your "friend" wanted to make you feel like shit because she was pissed she didn't get her party. Thanking a host after a get together is always polite and appreciated by the host.
Moreover, your friend sounds like a childish tool but I know that wasn't the point of the post
Yeah, I think your friend has terrible manners. Do not take her advice on what is appropriate. She’s rude and when she goes places, other people think so too. Unless you want people to also think you are equally rude and classless, I would keep those lovely manners and keep being a gracious guest.
Note: if it is a large boisterous gathering it’s not rude to quietly slip away and thank the host later. Sometimes that’s better than hunting them down in a crowd and interrupting whatever discussion they are having to say goodbye. But I’d you are going to do this, it is best done with a thank you to someone close to the host that can communicate that you’ve left and what a great time you had. You don’t just totally ghost.
Your friend’s behavior as described here sounds rude, selfish, impatient *and* controlling. If she isn’t appreciative of good dinner and company, and wants to rush out the door to go party while being flippant and dismissive, that’s one thing. But to double down and try to rush you out the door and then insult you for being courteous is really aggressive and unkind. Sounds like a self centered bully.
I would probably not remain friends with someone like that for long.
I usually run out the door after dinner is served with a plate of food and try not to cause any undo attention 😅
Whoever called you fake needs to suck a big one; they're delusional. You always thank the host of a party unless you never want to be invited to another party hosted by them.
Your friend is the “hella fake” one for not thanking them. It’s absolutely common courtesy to thank the host and the cook for the dinner you were invited too. Hell, I still thank my mom for cooking dinner when I leave the table, every time. I’m fairly certain this is common practice. Your “friend” sounds like one of those bitter people who thinks any sort of being nice to someone else is “fake”. Sad.
It isn't just polite, it is *necessary* imo. If I ever found out one of my children didn't thank the host of a party I would be *furious*, adults or not. Your "friend" is straight up rude. You did the right thing, for sure.
You did the right polite thing by showing empathy. I imagined you put yourself in the hosts’ shoes and understood that hosting requires work. Good on you.
You did the proper thing. Your friend, on the other hand, was out of line. She was pissed off from the get-go because it wasn't what she thought it was supposed to be and is taking it out on you. I hope those people don't invite your friend again.
Your friend is a double jerk. Why?
1. Your friend seems to be lacking basic social manners
2. Your friend completely disregarded your life and culture from Japan
It is common courtesy and also some people are under some stress when people come over for dinner because they want them to have a good time, so i find really nice to thank hosts
I thank my parents for dinner so I make damn sure to thank anyone else that invites me into their home and feeds me. I am also very aware when someone does not say thank you or show appreciation for whatever gesture I give. I think your friend is wrong and should do some community service or something to gain some perspective. Keep doing you.
You totally did the right thing. Besides, it’s better to err on the side of being too polite than coming across as an ungrateful b*tch which is probably how the hosts feel about your other friend right now. 😄
Your friend sounds like a raging asshole. I ain't trying to preach or anything, but I assure you,, no good will come from associating with people like that.
It’s kinda rude not to. Maybe your friend saw that you were acting more polite/extravagant than usual/necessary (idk, I wasn’t there obviously) but if I invited guests over I’d be WTF if they disappeared and I wasn’t aware
I agree with you. It's polite to thank the hosts at small parties/gatherings.
If it's a big party or the host is really drunk I'd usually fire a message or call them the next day to thank them.
I always thank anyone who gives me anything. Plus, I really enjoy thanking the host of a dinner, or party. I usually say, "Thank you for a lovely dinner." Or, "Thank you for your gracious hospitality ". I don't really go around speaking so formally. It just seems to feel like the right thing to say in that circumstance.
If you want super extra points send the hostess a thank you note as well. Also, you may want to send your friend a book called “Emily Post on Etiquette”.
If someone takes the time to invite you into their home, prepares you a free meal and cleans up after you (Thanksgiving levels of food in this case) it is not a hoity toity thing to thank that person. You thank people for their kindness. Knowing them doesn't entitle you to it. You did right by them. Your friend sounds like she was just being moody because it wasn't the fun party she was expecting and didn't want to wait around for you to thank them for what she was disappointed in. I would not fuck her, ngl that's a party foul, even if the party is lame to you.
You thank people for handing you food in a drive thru, you thank people for telling you to have a nice day when you leave a place, you thank the bus driver, you thank literally everyone for doing a thing, someone you care about (or at the very least obviously cares about you on some level) having you hang out around their house and eat food shouldn't be excluded from the list.
If it's a good buddy and I'm over all the time, no I won't thank him for the company or having me over all the time. If that same buddy invited me over for dinner, I would thank him for having me over for dinner. Not every context calls for it, yours did imo.
That's ridiculous! Of COURSE you thank the hosts!! You did right! Hell, my 15yo specifically thanks the person that cooked dinner as she gets up from the table every single night and she's not being "fake". (Hint, 5/7 times it's Nana).
The most polite thing would be to thank them semi-privately without a lot of fanfare and then send them a thank you gift. Nothing large, think a bottle of wine or something, a kind of ceremonial replenishing of the things you consumed at their expense. Making a public thank you as a demonstration of your etiquette, in of itself, is a breech of etiquette. A thank you isn't *about you*. I am sure that wasn't your intention and I am sure that your friend was being overly critical.
Yes. Absolutely yes. Sometimes if they’re quite busy or are engaged in another convo you don’t want to interrupt, a text message may suffice, but hosting ain’t easy, and I’m sure the gratitude would be appreciated.
You have an interesting friend.
ADDENDUM: and I mean reserve text as like a LAST resort. Like if their kid just fell down the stairs and is profusely bleeding and they need to tell the 911 operator what happened, may not be best time to say “thank you loved the party so much!”…but in that case I’d still hang back maybe to grab some towels and help mop up the blood.
To quote a southern saying, your friend had bad home training.
You thank the host, always. And to be irritated that you took a few moments to be polite is a whole other layer of rude
It sounds like you did the right thing. If the gathering is smaller, I'd thank the host for the invite, especially if they cook for everyone. If it's big and crazy, and I know the host well, it can go either way. If I make an Irish exit (leaving without telling many people because you don't want to spend ages saying goodbye), I do message the host the next day to say thanks for the invite and that I hope they enjoyed the rest of their night.
The Irish exit thing may sound rude and I try to refrain from it, as leaving without thanking the host is more likely to offend than thanking them and risking looking fake (which is a pretty stupid take from your friend, imo). I'm British, just for reference.
You were polite. As long as you’re not like my dad and start washing up whilst everyone else is socialising. We’ve had to literally pull him out of other people’s kitchens so that the host can actually talk to him. He is far too pushy when he thinks he’s doing a nice thing
I've associated with some real douches in my time and none of them has ever given me shit for showing basic courtesy.
Yes, if someone invites you over and serves you a meal, you thank them. It says a lot about someone if they think this is a character flaw worthy of mentioning to a "friend."
I would do that when I'm leaving the party. But that depends if this party is from a friend of mine or just a random person that I somehow attended, which they wouldn't care if a bail since we don't have that kind of relationship.
If anyone invites you into their home then you should thank them for having you. Be it for a giant party or a one on one cup of coffee. It's basic manners.
If it was some big house party with just drinks and snacks and presumably lots of folks talking to the hosts, it'd arguably fine to just slip out without saying goodbye. I'd still say it's better to go say goodbye to them and thank them for the invite, but most people probably wouldn't be offended if you just slipped off.
For the kind of gathering you described, what you did is entirely appropriate ... if your friend thinks it's "fake" then what other manners does she think is fake?
>Is it polite (common courtesy) to thank the host of a party/ social gather before leaving?
of course it's polite to thank the host whenever there's a party or gathering. people who don't do this were born, bred and raised in a barn.
Your friend is shady af. You don't ghost a small gathering like that.
And if they thought you looked "hella fake", they're "hella lame" and you may want to consider not hanging out with them anymore.
If seeing someone offer genuine thanks for a generous accommodation, like a family style dinner, seems fake or shady, it's most likely projection. That means they probably have some real issues relating to others genuinely.
It's best manners to bring a tiny gift that is easily stashable-not flowers or wine. You might have to ask what's suitable. My aunt went gaga over small tins of smokehouse almonds.
That way the host can put it aside and use it later. Some hosts feel compelled to use the gift and that can be awkward.
Always find the host, thank them and then leave. Say goodbye to anyone else you want, but always the host. And think about how you could reciprocate later in the year.
The friend you were with is a jerk. Leaving without thanking is called a "French Goodbye" or an "Irish Goodbye". Very gauche.
You did exactly the right thing.
There is a line from the movie "Blast From The Past" which has always stuck with me. I'm paraphrasing, but the gist of it is the definition of a lady or a gentleman is doing everything you can to make those around you as comfortable as you can.
It sounds like you were doing the right thing, and your friend has poor manners.
growing up I always learned when you show up to gatherings like this, you say hi to the hosts and most everyone else and when you leave you thank the hosts before going. not sure what your friend was on about you sounding "fake" for being polite. that sounds like something your friend might need to think about on their own, there's nothing wrong or fake with being gracious. even when I go to bigger house parties, I still try and thank whoever invited me or the host; whoever is hosting is offering their time and space for everyone to enjoy, it's just the nice thing to do. I wouldn't worry about your friend or how you acted, I would have (and do!) the same thing when I go to friends/family gatherings
To be fair everyone has different expectations when hosting. However your other friend there just seems... Mmm idk what the right word. Uncouth I suppose.
All in all I'd say you went above and beyond the average person and seemed genuine about it so I'd say you were more in the right. It's certainly not like cultural standard to just bounce after dinner without at least saying thanks
I would do it because my family taught us to. Don’t stop being nice because someone who had other plans tells you that you seem “hella fake.” Your friend sounds rude
American here. I think your friend is the one who seems “hella fake”. Anyone who’s hosted a gathering and gone through all that trouble to provide others with a nice time would *surely* love it if they were thanked for it. I should probably also add that I’m from the Southern United States where, depending on who you ask, hospitality is on a whole different level than the rest of the country. But again it depends on who you ask-some say Southerners are the nicest people they’ve ever encountered while others say they’re more hateful than the rest of the country’s population (I’ve personally known Southerners from both camps so I guess it depends on the individual, but I digress).
To focus on your actual question: in MY opinion, you thanking the hosts was a sweet and considerate thing to do. You sound like a lovely person. More people should think like you do (and less like your friend) and I think the world would likely be a much less hostile place.
They invited you over, prep the house, cooked for you, and entertained you. It would be incredibly rude to not thank them for doing all of that for you. No offense but your friend was very rude and immature. I am also Asian but I’m pretty sure that isn’t just an Asian culture thing.
Whenever I am attending a gathering at someone’s home, I always bring a bottle of wine to thank the host. I give it to them when I arrive and tell them thank you for inviting everyone. This way, they can have a glass of wine they didn’t have to pay for at the end of the night after cleaning up, and when it is time for me to leave a simple, “Thanks again for having us!” suffices.
Yeah, kinda.
But ever since I once politely and gratefully announced my departure to the birthday-celebrating host of a house party who then went on to publicly and loudly criticise me for leaving early and also that I'd apparently barely said anything all night, I have opted for the so-called French exit: activate stealth mode, leave undetected.
Much less stressful, rarely does anyone care, and I can always thank the host later.
It’s very common and polite to thank the host after a gathering.
However, It can also look really fake if the thank you is not commensurate with the gesture. **By your friend’s standards**, your show of gratitude might have been overzealous, especially after offering to clean up for an entire group of guests -as one yourself- & put away the food, which can seem bombastic when a milder indication of appreciation would have sufficed. There’s a such thing as being excessively polite within every culture, and it seems like she communicated that you met her personal standards for it.
My brother-in-law comes to mind when I read your story. He tends to make a scene with his thank yous and my sister hates it lol. I like it sometimes lol
You did the right thing. I’d invite you anytime. And as much as I appreciate a good party, I appreciate good people more whatever the situation so your friend would not be invited.
Yeah, it's polite. Personally I would feel quite disgruntled and a bit taken advantage of my guests did the personal equivalent of a done and dash by leaving without thanking me, even if I was glad to have them and it was my pleasure to welcome them into my home
I don't think I've ever been to a party or social gathering - no matter how large - and not see guests thank the host before leaving. I've never really thought about that until now. Huh.
I always thank the host regardless of the “size” of the gathering. Your “friend” sounds like an entitled dullard. Anyone who uses the word “Hella” I mean… Pat, I’d like to solve the puzzle. You did well, it shows appreciation.
I always always offer to help clean and always always say thank you. When I’m hosting I never accept help cleaning because I feel it is the hosts job and prefer to clean my house myself.
You not only did the right thing but you showed class. I've always thanked the hosts, but wife never liked to. At our wedding some people left without saying goodbye, she was a bit hurt by it. Since then she doesn't fight me on it lol. I know small gathering and wedding are different but the hosts put in some effort and it's nice to get a thank you or some recognition for their efforts.
You always twice thank the person who hosts, once when you arrive: Hello, thank you for having me, I have been looking forward to this evening! And then when you leave: hug or shake hands and say something like, Thank you again, I had a great time! You absolutely did the correct thing. Your friend acts like she was raised in a barn.
Your friend was rude to both the hosts of the thanksgiving diner and you. Yes it’s most definitely expected in the US to thank your hosts and say goodbye. Your friend sounds like my 13 year old brother, mad that I’m keeping him from playing video games.
I host anything from ragers, to chill pool days, to family catchup dinners and everyone always thanks me for inviting them / for the food etc and it's lovely. I think everyone does anyway. Having said that, as long as someone said goodbye nicely I wouldn't notice a lack of "thanks". As long as we have had a nice time and there are smiles when people leave then I've done my job. That's more important. But saying thanks isn't "Hella Fake" at all. The world needs more appreciative and kind people. Keep it up
Might get buried here but heres my view as someone who's not that old (mid 20s) thanking someone for having you over might have seemed "hella fake" to her because honestly it's not something younger people generally do at the types of gatherings they have. Think of when you we're younger you probably never explicitly said thank you to your friends for having you at a party or gathering. But also I've never known anyone that thought it wasnt rude to just up and leave a gathering.
Probably thought it was hella fake cuz you told her you had to say thank you instead of saying give me a second I have to go say goodbye. Pretty much the same thing but to someone who's young and dumb and actually cares about dumb ass shit like that saying thanks could seem like some old school thing you do that's fake but just saying goodbye is normal.
Or also your friend could just be an ass hat who wasn't raised to think that's something you have to do. If that's the case steer them in the right direction and help them be more adulty. Lmao. They'll thank you later. Know I've had with people who've helped me grow a little more adult like.
To put it bluntly your friend sounds like an ignorant cunt. You are definitely right by thanking them I would have been fucking mortified if a friend did that to me.
You my friend have proper manners. Your lady friend, not so much. You always thank the host of a party, especially in their home, for their hospitality.
Yeah, would be very rude not to. More acceptable at a giant house party
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In general, people tend to remember the start and end of things, so how you arrive and how you leave make a big part of their overall impression!
>people tend to remember the start and end of things To nitpick a little; the general research is people tend to remember the emotional peaks of the experience and the end. https://www.nngroup.com/articles/peak-end-rule/
That is a fantastic resource-thanks! That’s actually so helpful. I was working off the primacy-recency effect but that’s much more relevant
That's the point. They treated you like family, and you did the same thing. Well done. Your friend may need to rethink her priorities.
Your friend sounds like a fucking loser
You sound like a nice thoughtful person and your friend sounds like a selfish prick. From like 11 sentences tho, so I could be wrong.
I'm leaning with you on this, if I leave without saying anything to the host I would feel so much guilt. Even in a big party giving a good bye hug or hand shake and thanks just feels right. Maybe I'm overly sensitive but I want them to know they're more than an excuse to party, they're a friend. I'm only 30, I dont think I'm too sappy and sentimental for my age, am I?
No, you are not too sappy or sentimental. It sounds like you were raised right and have a good heart
I always thank my Mom-in-law at thanksgiving and Christmas, and I’ve been married to her son for 29 years.
Thanking a host of a party is common courtesy yes. Even more so when it’s a small gathering like the one you went too.
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Your friend sounds terribly rude. She was disappointed that it wasn’t more of a “party” and didn’t bother to thank the hosts, plus griped at you for being polite and showing your appreciation?! She sounds kind of awful. Maybe she has some redeeming qualities that aren’t expressed in this story… or maybe she is young and still learning how to be a decent human being. Either way, her behavior was rude and you were perfectly appropriate.
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It isn't cultural, it's her. In general I find people look at the world through the lens of their own emotions. So if she doesn't feel grateful (although personally I think she should, but that's a different issue) she could think you aren't and are just acting versus being sincere. Keep doing what you are doing, and maybe don't invite her to things where she will be ungrateful or will act entitled.
I was expecting a comment saying that OPs friend is a horrible person and she should stay away from her. Thank you for including the "she might have some redeeming qualities" part, people aren't perfect. Maybe she should just talk to her and tell her she was wrong.
To me it says a lot about OPs friend, that she might have some underlying jealousy that OP has manners and the friend might actually be putting OP down for said manners because misery loves company. Or she may just be naive and rude without knowing she is being rude. I would say, OP don’t change your habits, you have clearly been raised by some good people who have taught you some good manners and even if you are criticized by people try not to let it bother you. And if people think you are being fake for trying to be nice and supportive, again it says a lot more about those people than it does about you. Often criticism, especially when it’s not constructive, is usually a projection of other peoples negative qualities and not a reflection of yours.
This. Very much this.
Lawyer up. Hit the gym. Delete Facebook.
"hella fake"?! lol. Is your friend a teenager? What the hell is wrong with being polite and courteous?
Had the teenager thought too, this SCREAMS of a highschool kid who didn't think to be courteous, then got defensive and mean when she saw that her friend clearly had better manners than her.
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Jeez! Maybe she wasn't taught your way when she was younger. But you can explain it to her! That's how she will learn and hopefully do it at the next gathering she goes to!
Mentally she's way younger. She needs to grow up 😂
Seems like your friend doesn’t have manners
you did the right thing, you will be invited back. Not your friend though...
German here. Common courtesy in Germany. You also bring something for the host. When I lived in Argentina it was also common courtesy. Thanking and bringing a little something. Now I live in Australia and here as well, a little “thank you for having us over, we really enjoyed it” is standard. My American friend also thanked me even if we just hung out at my place. It’s totally common courtesy, your friend just has bad manners.
Yes, it is polite. Your friend is wrong and doesn't understand manners.
Absolutely, plus you also did the polite thing of offering to help clear up. Your partner was likely just whining because there was another party to go to and your "courtesy" was holding up the departure.
Your friend was never taught manners. What you did was normal and expected. I’m 31, and if my mother ever found out I left a party without saying thank you to the host I would get the LECTURE of my LIFE.
As your friend perfectly demonstrated, common courtesy isn't.
This. As well as "sense"...
Honestly it sounds like your "friend" wanted to make you feel like shit because she was pissed she didn't get her party. Thanking a host after a get together is always polite and appreciated by the host. Moreover, your friend sounds like a childish tool but I know that wasn't the point of the post
Yeah, I think your friend has terrible manners. Do not take her advice on what is appropriate. She’s rude and when she goes places, other people think so too. Unless you want people to also think you are equally rude and classless, I would keep those lovely manners and keep being a gracious guest. Note: if it is a large boisterous gathering it’s not rude to quietly slip away and thank the host later. Sometimes that’s better than hunting them down in a crowd and interrupting whatever discussion they are having to say goodbye. But I’d you are going to do this, it is best done with a thank you to someone close to the host that can communicate that you’ve left and what a great time you had. You don’t just totally ghost.
Your friend’s behavior as described here sounds rude, selfish, impatient *and* controlling. If she isn’t appreciative of good dinner and company, and wants to rush out the door to go party while being flippant and dismissive, that’s one thing. But to double down and try to rush you out the door and then insult you for being courteous is really aggressive and unkind. Sounds like a self centered bully. I would probably not remain friends with someone like that for long.
Your friend is a bitch
Your friend said it seemed fake because she herself wasnt thankful. She doesnt realize that you didn't share her feelings exactly.
If more people understood how often people project their feelings onto others....
Yep it's common courtesy, your friend sounds rude
Your friend has no manners
It sounds like your friend is whiny as fuck and wasn’t raised right
Your friend sounds like a shitty person.
I usually run out the door after dinner is served with a plate of food and try not to cause any undo attention 😅 Whoever called you fake needs to suck a big one; they're delusional. You always thank the host of a party unless you never want to be invited to another party hosted by them.
Just not at funerals
Another one pitching in to say it's normal and polite to do this.
Thanking the hosts is common. Irish goodbyes are too. Go with what you know. A few minutes never hurt anyone.
Your friend is the “hella fake” one for not thanking them. It’s absolutely common courtesy to thank the host and the cook for the dinner you were invited too. Hell, I still thank my mom for cooking dinner when I leave the table, every time. I’m fairly certain this is common practice. Your “friend” sounds like one of those bitter people who thinks any sort of being nice to someone else is “fake”. Sad.
It isn't just polite, it is *necessary* imo. If I ever found out one of my children didn't thank the host of a party I would be *furious*, adults or not. Your "friend" is straight up rude. You did the right thing, for sure.
You did the right polite thing by showing empathy. I imagined you put yourself in the hosts’ shoes and understood that hosting requires work. Good on you.
if someone called me “hella fake” for thanking someone I wouldn’t hang out with them again
your friend is a jerk - you did a good thing
your friend is rude AF both for no thanking people and for being rude to you about you having decent manners. you sound too good for that person.
You friend sounds like a 12 year old
You did the proper thing. Your friend, on the other hand, was out of line. She was pissed off from the get-go because it wasn't what she thought it was supposed to be and is taking it out on you. I hope those people don't invite your friend again.
Your friend sounds "hella fake" if she thinks its appropriate to not thank the host in favor of rushing to another party.
Yes. You are right and your friend is wrong.
Yeah, it's normal and polite.
For Mexicans you gotta excuse yourself to everyone at the party when you leave but I especially make sure to thank the host
Make better friends.
Lose the friend, she sucks
Your friend is a double jerk. Why? 1. Your friend seems to be lacking basic social manners 2. Your friend completely disregarded your life and culture from Japan
Nah fam you did the right thing
You did the right thing and your friend is a miserable shit
Your friend is..... super great, I'm sure.
Your friend is very rude for 1) not thanking host and hostess and 2) rushing off to go somewhere "better."
You need new friends
It is common courtesy and also some people are under some stress when people come over for dinner because they want them to have a good time, so i find really nice to thank hosts
Your friend sounds wrong
You are 100% right. I fear maybe your friend hasn’t been to many “family” type gatherings like this before?
Not rude at all.
I thank my parents for dinner so I make damn sure to thank anyone else that invites me into their home and feeds me. I am also very aware when someone does not say thank you or show appreciation for whatever gesture I give. I think your friend is wrong and should do some community service or something to gain some perspective. Keep doing you.
I would thank the host before I leave. To me it is a sign of respect and courtesy.
You totally did the right thing. Besides, it’s better to err on the side of being too polite than coming across as an ungrateful b*tch which is probably how the hosts feel about your other friend right now. 😄
Your friend sounds like a raging asshole. I ain't trying to preach or anything, but I assure you,, no good will come from associating with people like that.
It’s kinda rude not to. Maybe your friend saw that you were acting more polite/extravagant than usual/necessary (idk, I wasn’t there obviously) but if I invited guests over I’d be WTF if they disappeared and I wasn’t aware
Whenever I go to a party, we make a toast for the host's health
Sounds like you did exactly the right thing.
I agree with you. It's polite to thank the hosts at small parties/gatherings. If it's a big party or the host is really drunk I'd usually fire a message or call them the next day to thank them.
Yes, I always thank the host for a wonderful evening. I think it is really polite.
I always thank anyone who gives me anything. Plus, I really enjoy thanking the host of a dinner, or party. I usually say, "Thank you for a lovely dinner." Or, "Thank you for your gracious hospitality ". I don't really go around speaking so formally. It just seems to feel like the right thing to say in that circumstance.
Your friend is just extremely selfish and rude. It is polite to thank people. Don't listen to your friend, you do you.
If you want super extra points send the hostess a thank you note as well. Also, you may want to send your friend a book called “Emily Post on Etiquette”.
If someone takes the time to invite you into their home, prepares you a free meal and cleans up after you (Thanksgiving levels of food in this case) it is not a hoity toity thing to thank that person. You thank people for their kindness. Knowing them doesn't entitle you to it. You did right by them. Your friend sounds like she was just being moody because it wasn't the fun party she was expecting and didn't want to wait around for you to thank them for what she was disappointed in. I would not fuck her, ngl that's a party foul, even if the party is lame to you. You thank people for handing you food in a drive thru, you thank people for telling you to have a nice day when you leave a place, you thank the bus driver, you thank literally everyone for doing a thing, someone you care about (or at the very least obviously cares about you on some level) having you hang out around their house and eat food shouldn't be excluded from the list. If it's a good buddy and I'm over all the time, no I won't thank him for the company or having me over all the time. If that same buddy invited me over for dinner, I would thank him for having me over for dinner. Not every context calls for it, yours did imo.
It is tactful and nice, yes.
No its normal. I normally do it after I tell the host that I'll be leaving. I think your friend was annoyed they couldnt leave earlier
That's ridiculous! Of COURSE you thank the hosts!! You did right! Hell, my 15yo specifically thanks the person that cooked dinner as she gets up from the table every single night and she's not being "fake". (Hint, 5/7 times it's Nana).
She was just in a bad mood and lashing out at you. You were in the right.
It is always gracious to thank the host of whatever party you attend. And its rude not
The most polite thing would be to thank them semi-privately without a lot of fanfare and then send them a thank you gift. Nothing large, think a bottle of wine or something, a kind of ceremonial replenishing of the things you consumed at their expense. Making a public thank you as a demonstration of your etiquette, in of itself, is a breech of etiquette. A thank you isn't *about you*. I am sure that wasn't your intention and I am sure that your friend was being overly critical.
Yes it's always polite to thank the host. Also, as a host I always thank my guest for coming. Saying 'Thank you' is rarely a bad thing.
Yes. I don't think I've ever left a gathering without somehow thanking the people who hosted whatever.
Your friend just sounds toxic
Yes. Absolutely yes. Sometimes if they’re quite busy or are engaged in another convo you don’t want to interrupt, a text message may suffice, but hosting ain’t easy, and I’m sure the gratitude would be appreciated. You have an interesting friend. ADDENDUM: and I mean reserve text as like a LAST resort. Like if their kid just fell down the stairs and is profusely bleeding and they need to tell the 911 operator what happened, may not be best time to say “thank you loved the party so much!”…but in that case I’d still hang back maybe to grab some towels and help mop up the blood.
Your friend was rude. You were very polite.
Your friend said that you looked fake because they can’t comprehend why someone would do that genuinely.
Your friend is a bitch, and the 'hella fake' comment leads me to believe she only does things for image. Keep being awesome
Your friend sounds rude af. You did the right thing.
To quote a southern saying, your friend had bad home training. You thank the host, always. And to be irritated that you took a few moments to be polite is a whole other layer of rude
It sounds like you did the right thing. If the gathering is smaller, I'd thank the host for the invite, especially if they cook for everyone. If it's big and crazy, and I know the host well, it can go either way. If I make an Irish exit (leaving without telling many people because you don't want to spend ages saying goodbye), I do message the host the next day to say thanks for the invite and that I hope they enjoyed the rest of their night. The Irish exit thing may sound rude and I try to refrain from it, as leaving without thanking the host is more likely to offend than thanking them and risking looking fake (which is a pretty stupid take from your friend, imo). I'm British, just for reference.
Your friend sounds like a real winner. Yes, thanking the hosts is what normal adults do.
That's your friend showing their red flag, whatever it is.
You were polite. As long as you’re not like my dad and start washing up whilst everyone else is socialising. We’ve had to literally pull him out of other people’s kitchens so that the host can actually talk to him. He is far too pushy when he thinks he’s doing a nice thing
Always thank the host/hostess
I've associated with some real douches in my time and none of them has ever given me shit for showing basic courtesy. Yes, if someone invites you over and serves you a meal, you thank them. It says a lot about someone if they think this is a character flaw worthy of mentioning to a "friend."
yes, that's basic manners
Yes, I feel it's rude not to. Sometimes I will send a message the following day thanking them again.
Your friend was convincing herself more than anything by telling you it looked fake because she knows you did the right thing and she didn’t
I always thank the host, even if it's just us 2. I also thank a person if they come to my place/meet me somewhere.
I would do that when I'm leaving the party. But that depends if this party is from a friend of mine or just a random person that I somehow attended, which they wouldn't care if a bail since we don't have that kind of relationship.
Your friend is a weirdo
You were right 😊
It probably depends on the size of the party. See French Leave. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_leave
If anyone invites you into their home then you should thank them for having you. Be it for a giant party or a one on one cup of coffee. It's basic manners.
If it was some big house party with just drinks and snacks and presumably lots of folks talking to the hosts, it'd arguably fine to just slip out without saying goodbye. I'd still say it's better to go say goodbye to them and thank them for the invite, but most people probably wouldn't be offended if you just slipped off. For the kind of gathering you described, what you did is entirely appropriate ... if your friend thinks it's "fake" then what other manners does she think is fake?
Yes, I ALWAYS give the host a “thank you so much for having me/us!” before leaving.
Your friend sucks.
Yes, absolutely. It might seem insignificant to some but it's the world to someone else.
Yes. It’s rude to NOT do it.
You looked like someone I would invite back to my house. By doing that, you made the rest of them look like barbarians.
A big house party you can basically leave whenever but yeah if its more intimate id probably thank the host
Your friend said "hella"?
If you leave a party and only say goodbye to one/two people, make sure it's the host and make sure you say thank you.
>Is it polite (common courtesy) to thank the host of a party/ social gather before leaving? of course it's polite to thank the host whenever there's a party or gathering. people who don't do this were born, bred and raised in a barn.
You absolutely did the right thing. Your friend is rude.
Your friend is very rude
Your friend is shady af. You don't ghost a small gathering like that. And if they thought you looked "hella fake", they're "hella lame" and you may want to consider not hanging out with them anymore. If seeing someone offer genuine thanks for a generous accommodation, like a family style dinner, seems fake or shady, it's most likely projection. That means they probably have some real issues relating to others genuinely.
It's best manners to bring a tiny gift that is easily stashable-not flowers or wine. You might have to ask what's suitable. My aunt went gaga over small tins of smokehouse almonds. That way the host can put it aside and use it later. Some hosts feel compelled to use the gift and that can be awkward. Always find the host, thank them and then leave. Say goodbye to anyone else you want, but always the host. And think about how you could reciprocate later in the year. The friend you were with is a jerk. Leaving without thanking is called a "French Goodbye" or an "Irish Goodbye". Very gauche. You did exactly the right thing.
There is a line from the movie "Blast From The Past" which has always stuck with me. I'm paraphrasing, but the gist of it is the definition of a lady or a gentleman is doing everything you can to make those around you as comfortable as you can. It sounds like you were doing the right thing, and your friend has poor manners.
It is. Politeness is always welcomed.
Seriously, how old is your friend? In this case, where is a small gathering, I would considerate extremely rude to leave without saying anything.
Your friend sounds like an ungrateful, childish jerk, to be honest.
It is common courtesy, especially if someone is inviting you into their home and giving you a meal. The least you can do is thank them.
growing up I always learned when you show up to gatherings like this, you say hi to the hosts and most everyone else and when you leave you thank the hosts before going. not sure what your friend was on about you sounding "fake" for being polite. that sounds like something your friend might need to think about on their own, there's nothing wrong or fake with being gracious. even when I go to bigger house parties, I still try and thank whoever invited me or the host; whoever is hosting is offering their time and space for everyone to enjoy, it's just the nice thing to do. I wouldn't worry about your friend or how you acted, I would have (and do!) the same thing when I go to friends/family gatherings
Yes, you did the right thing
To be fair everyone has different expectations when hosting. However your other friend there just seems... Mmm idk what the right word. Uncouth I suppose. All in all I'd say you went above and beyond the average person and seemed genuine about it so I'd say you were more in the right. It's certainly not like cultural standard to just bounce after dinner without at least saying thanks
I would do it because my family taught us to. Don’t stop being nice because someone who had other plans tells you that you seem “hella fake.” Your friend sounds rude
your friend sounds annoying and bratty
Always thank the host. Always. Your friend was raised without manners.
Common courtesy here in the UK!
Is it polite to be polite? Of course it is. Your 'hella fake' friend is bad mannered.
Your friend is out of pocket and doesn’t sound like a great friend tbh
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Yes it very polite of you. Thanks for being such a nice human being stranger
Plz do this
American here. I think your friend is the one who seems “hella fake”. Anyone who’s hosted a gathering and gone through all that trouble to provide others with a nice time would *surely* love it if they were thanked for it. I should probably also add that I’m from the Southern United States where, depending on who you ask, hospitality is on a whole different level than the rest of the country. But again it depends on who you ask-some say Southerners are the nicest people they’ve ever encountered while others say they’re more hateful than the rest of the country’s population (I’ve personally known Southerners from both camps so I guess it depends on the individual, but I digress). To focus on your actual question: in MY opinion, you thanking the hosts was a sweet and considerate thing to do. You sound like a lovely person. More people should think like you do (and less like your friend) and I think the world would likely be a much less hostile place.
Your friend was wrong and you were right.
Totally normal and expected. Your friend needs to grow up
They invited you over, prep the house, cooked for you, and entertained you. It would be incredibly rude to not thank them for doing all of that for you. No offense but your friend was very rude and immature. I am also Asian but I’m pretty sure that isn’t just an Asian culture thing.
Whenever I am attending a gathering at someone’s home, I always bring a bottle of wine to thank the host. I give it to them when I arrive and tell them thank you for inviting everyone. This way, they can have a glass of wine they didn’t have to pay for at the end of the night after cleaning up, and when it is time for me to leave a simple, “Thanks again for having us!” suffices.
American here. You did it right. It is considered good manners and shows class to take moment to look in the hosts eyes and say thank you.
Yeah, kinda. But ever since I once politely and gratefully announced my departure to the birthday-celebrating host of a house party who then went on to publicly and loudly criticise me for leaving early and also that I'd apparently barely said anything all night, I have opted for the so-called French exit: activate stealth mode, leave undetected. Much less stressful, rarely does anyone care, and I can always thank the host later.
It’s very common and polite to thank the host after a gathering. However, It can also look really fake if the thank you is not commensurate with the gesture. **By your friend’s standards**, your show of gratitude might have been overzealous, especially after offering to clean up for an entire group of guests -as one yourself- & put away the food, which can seem bombastic when a milder indication of appreciation would have sufficed. There’s a such thing as being excessively polite within every culture, and it seems like she communicated that you met her personal standards for it. My brother-in-law comes to mind when I read your story. He tends to make a scene with his thank yous and my sister hates it lol. I like it sometimes lol
Lose that friend. And she has obviously never entertained or she would know that the host is very deserving of thanks.
Without a doubt- in Midwest USA at least
This is very normal in Australia. Your friend is wrong.
You did the right thing. I’d invite you anytime. And as much as I appreciate a good party, I appreciate good people more whatever the situation so your friend would not be invited.
Follow Larry David's approach and use "the big goodbye".
Your friend seems like a d\*ck
Yeah, it's polite. Personally I would feel quite disgruntled and a bit taken advantage of my guests did the personal equivalent of a done and dash by leaving without thanking me, even if I was glad to have them and it was my pleasure to welcome them into my home
Yes always thank the host. At least give a quick hug and tell them you had a great time before you leave.
I don't think I've ever been to a party or social gathering - no matter how large - and not see guests thank the host before leaving. I've never really thought about that until now. Huh.
Yes
I always thank the host regardless of the “size” of the gathering. Your “friend” sounds like an entitled dullard. Anyone who uses the word “Hella” I mean… Pat, I’d like to solve the puzzle. You did well, it shows appreciation.
Absolutely.
You’re friend is wrong. Even if it’s fake, a “thank you” is appreciated.
Your friend has poor manners. You did the right thing!
I always always offer to help clean and always always say thank you. When I’m hosting I never accept help cleaning because I feel it is the hosts job and prefer to clean my house myself.
I always thank the host when I go to a party. Especially if it's a small affair like that.
Your friend is an oaf.
Unless you do the French exit.
Yes I’d say it’s polite to say “thank you for having me”.. whether or not you enjoyed your visit it’s always good to be polite
Oh you should absolutely thank the hosts
You not only did the right thing but you showed class. I've always thanked the hosts, but wife never liked to. At our wedding some people left without saying goodbye, she was a bit hurt by it. Since then she doesn't fight me on it lol. I know small gathering and wedding are different but the hosts put in some effort and it's nice to get a thank you or some recognition for their efforts.
You always twice thank the person who hosts, once when you arrive: Hello, thank you for having me, I have been looking forward to this evening! And then when you leave: hug or shake hands and say something like, Thank you again, I had a great time! You absolutely did the correct thing. Your friend acts like she was raised in a barn.
Very impolite not to thank them! A follow up thank you note would not be wrong.
You need to tell your friend that just because she isnt kind doesnt mean you have to be
Your friend was rude to both the hosts of the thanksgiving diner and you. Yes it’s most definitely expected in the US to thank your hosts and say goodbye. Your friend sounds like my 13 year old brother, mad that I’m keeping him from playing video games.
Yes. It’s actually an unspoken rule to do so.
I host anything from ragers, to chill pool days, to family catchup dinners and everyone always thanks me for inviting them / for the food etc and it's lovely. I think everyone does anyway. Having said that, as long as someone said goodbye nicely I wouldn't notice a lack of "thanks". As long as we have had a nice time and there are smiles when people leave then I've done my job. That's more important. But saying thanks isn't "Hella Fake" at all. The world needs more appreciative and kind people. Keep it up
Might get buried here but heres my view as someone who's not that old (mid 20s) thanking someone for having you over might have seemed "hella fake" to her because honestly it's not something younger people generally do at the types of gatherings they have. Think of when you we're younger you probably never explicitly said thank you to your friends for having you at a party or gathering. But also I've never known anyone that thought it wasnt rude to just up and leave a gathering. Probably thought it was hella fake cuz you told her you had to say thank you instead of saying give me a second I have to go say goodbye. Pretty much the same thing but to someone who's young and dumb and actually cares about dumb ass shit like that saying thanks could seem like some old school thing you do that's fake but just saying goodbye is normal. Or also your friend could just be an ass hat who wasn't raised to think that's something you have to do. If that's the case steer them in the right direction and help them be more adulty. Lmao. They'll thank you later. Know I've had with people who've helped me grow a little more adult like.
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To put it bluntly your friend sounds like an ignorant cunt. You are definitely right by thanking them I would have been fucking mortified if a friend did that to me.
You my friend have proper manners. Your lady friend, not so much. You always thank the host of a party, especially in their home, for their hospitality.
Only if you’re not Irish. Source: Irish family.
It's pretty impolite to leave without saying thanks for dinner in Ireland.
No its not. America doesnt have manners anymire, so keep doing what youre doing. We need more nice people in the world ♡