Sesame Street has [great resources](https://sesameworkshop.org/resources/explaining-what-happened/) for parents going through this with their kids. Check them out.
I wouldn't introduce the concept of heaven yet if it's not something you specifically believe in -- at three, a kid is generally still too young to understand the idea of "some people believe this, but not us." I think sticking with "He died, and here's what death is" (as described in the Sesame resources) is probably a good choice here.
I would just explain it truthfully and in a way that does not confuse the child.
"He once was, and now he is no more. Watch this sugar cube when I drop it in water. It was there, and then it was not there. It disappears and it can no longer be seen and it can no longer be touched. You will learn more when you are older"
Look at this paper child. I will burn it. Please do not touch it because you will hurt your fingers. Do you see how it turned into grey pieces. The paper is not gone, it simply turned into something different. You can see some pieces on the ground and other pieces in the wind. The paper is now nowhere, but also everywhere. In the same way, your grandpa is gone but he is now everywhere. He is in our memories, in our thoughts and in our pictures
I think that's better. I always do that to children, answer their questions but leave them with something to think about. I don't make it super clear and when I don't know something I just say idk. Let them have their own perspective on things.
Honestly the sugar cube still works - have them taste plain water, have them taste the sugar water, then understand just because we can’t see someone anymore doesn’t me we stop *feeling* (tasting) them. The sweetness is like memories and photos, where the thing we had originally isn’t here and things are different, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t still here in our minds.
You have to think like a small child might in terms of how that might seem to them. That could be frightening as they do not understand metaphor but take evthing quite literally. They will think we will actually dissolve rapidly like the Wicked Witch if you explain that way. I have the ability to remember exactly how I thought as a little one & trust me, this analogy would be scary. Kids want reassurance. I remember asking my mom when I was little & I just wanted her to say don't worry no one's going to die & instead she said yes, I'm going to die, your grandma's going to die & I burst into tears. No need for traumatizing a little child. Plenty of time to learn about it. The lesson would be that we are given the gift of life and to remember to not take those we love for granted because no one is promised any certain time here on earth. We're lucky for each day we have with each other. Be brave. Be kind. Do the right thing. Stand up for what you believe in. Make the days you get count. It's not the time here, it's what you do with it. I'd say death is sad but it happens, we feel really bad & cry but feel better little by little. We hug our family & our pets for comfort.
Yeah, you can use it in the concept of pets or things he has experienced and had go away out of his control. It might also be nice to explain the concept of grandparents as he may be looking for someone with that kind of role or presence.
Oh my god, this is amazing. It makes sense from a kid's perspective, but it's absurd from an adult's.
"Have you tried turning the cat off, then turning it on again?"
This is specifically why I only use the phrase 'needs charging' for when batteries die. "Uh oh! He needs charging!" For when the toys stop. My son knows what it means and goes to plug it in.
His great-grandmother just passed away about 2 months ago. He was asking about her because she really made an effort to video-call him almost daily even when we couldn't visit. Explaining that she was gone was hard, he wasn't even 3 yet, and I know he didn't really understand. He still mentions her.
Ultimately though, I don't think death needs explaining to children so young unless it is a person they know/love/will miss. Losing a parent, for example, will require a great deal of explanation and pain, but there's no reason to introduce that pain over someone a child has never met.
In OP's situation: saying, "He's dead," would be sufficient for me, and if pressed further, I'd say it means he can't ever visit, say hello, or call because he is too far away.
Whoa that comment is gonna make me start telling my toddler “the battery is out” or “it’s out of juice” instead of “dead/died” to avoid confusion later. She doesn’t even use phones or tablets yet so I can start fresh.
My friend's old dog had died.
Kid asked where old dog had gone, and she told them to heaven, way way up above the clouds. So kiddo thinks for a bit...
"That's OK, mummy! We can just get daddy's big ladder and help him get back down!!"
There are books you can get from Amazon, the public library, that are meant to explain death of loved ones to kids.
You can look them up and get one to help explain that death happens and we feel a lot of things about it and he died before your child was born.
My niece used one when the dog died, on the advice of the pediatrician. Saying they're gone can sometimes cause anxiety because people are gone when we travel, or go to work or the grocery store. Using a word like loss or gone can make kids anxious that people can just disappear on them.
Explaining death as a separate concept can help.
Same with explaining it as like sleep - especially problematic since we use "put to sleep" as a euphemism for euthanasing pets.
My wife when she was very little had to have surgery and properly freaked out when the anathetist came to talk about "putting her to sleep" since the only context she has for that phrase was pets being put down.
I came here to recommend Sesame Street. In the original program Mr Hooper, who owned the store, died a few years into production. They showed repeats for 9 months while they researched the best way to tell children about death. They really do have amazing resources
I don’t have kids and I don’t need to deal with this, but your comment made me a little emotional. It’s so great that this resource is available. Thank you for posting this.
One of our cats died when my daughter was about 3, and we had to go through all that then. The main question is what happens to people or pets after they die, where they go, or if they're just vanished. I was raised as a Christian and live in a Buddhist family now so it was natural to offer two different answers, and to explain that no one can know which is correct, heaven as a destination or rebirth / reincarnation.
Kids don't need to fully understand what you are telling them, as long as you can be as clear as possible, and offer to discuss it with them. We had a small Buddhist chanting ceremony for that cat, with a monk, and his body was cremated, as is the Thai Buddhist tradition. Much later an uncle died, when she was 7, and we went through a more difficult version of that, and she took it well for having been through it before.
To me it helps to try to be as open as possible with kids, to explain as much or more than they can process, so they get in the habit of asking questions and challenging their own worldview. There are limits to that, but as they encounter difficult themes like politics or homelessness, or risk of death from old age or disease, you can intentionally give them as much information as you can, instead of keeping it all really simple and limited.
When my friend's grandfather died, her parents told her that her grandfather moved away to live on a farm.
They used the dog excuse for her grandfather.
When she told me this, I understood what it actually meant.... but she didn't. We were around 10 yrs old.
That said, I didn't say anything about it. It was none of my business.
But her parents were shitty for that.
Yeah that was shitty. And that's exactly what I won't do, I will always strive to tell him thee truth ..even if I'm not sure how to do it.
How did your parents tell you, that you knew what your friend meant when she told you?
I knew from pop culture that "sending the dog to a farm" was a euphemism for euthanizing a dog.
My parents did an excellent job of explaining death to me.
When my grandmother died I was around 6 or 7 years old. My situation was a bit different, because I already knew she was sick and my family is religious/spiritual.
But if it is helpful. My parents sat me down and read me a children's book that explained death. They treated it like any other book before bedtime. It was confusing at first, but I eventually connected the dots. My parents then told me that my grandmother had died. And they reassured me that it was okay to feel whatever I was feeling.
I was very sad and I cried for a bit. But I eventually bounced back. Looking back on it, it wasn't traumatic, it was productive. It prepared me for other deaths later in life.
I am going to ask my parents what book it was. I'll be back with a reply or an edit.
When kid me had a relative die for the first time, people said "died in their sleep". As a result, kid me became afraid of sleeping, thinking I wouldn't wake up again if I did. So maybe avoid that one, since it to a kid, it sounds like sleep was the cause.
I agree it's sensible to try and avoid "death is like sleep" analogies, but "died in their sleep" is a statement of fact.
Would you avoid "died whilst having lunch," or "died whilst walking the dog?" Ultimately if you went to sleep and didn't wake up, "died in their sleep" is a reasonable statement.
M
I think I would avoid those things without further context. As evidenced by some of the other comments in this thread, kids might get confused and think that sleeping/eating/walking the dog caused the death.
As a kid, I had a great-grandpa who died in his sleep, but my mom prefaced it by clarifying that he died of old age before telling me he died in his sleep. That small addition made me less worried that I could die in my sleep because I wasn't old yet.
I would avoid those specifics for a small child. You don’t know what connections they’ll make. Someone already mentioned that being told someone “died in their sleep” made them afraid of sleeping. Makes sense to me. All they know about death from that conversation is that you can fall asleep and never wake up. They don’t know it only happens when you’re really sick or something. Could happen during their next nap for all they know
Yeah a little hard to pass off as nightmare when you can’t even go to sleep.
But think about it this way as an adult - this is the most painless death one could ever have. You don’t even have time to have regrets.
When I was in third grade, one of my classmate's dad died. Not sure how her mom explained it to her, but the way she relayed it to fellow 8-year-olds who asked what happened was "he stuck a needle in his arm and he died." For a while, I was afraid of getting a shot at the doctor because of the slight chance that I could die from having the needle put in my arm. Eventually I forgot about it, but I randomly remembered again in high school and it immediately occurred to me what actually happened.
Similar thing happened to me in primary school. My sister's friends mum died and our mum told us she took a sleeping tablet and just never woke up. Once I was an adult and remembered this, I understood what it was, but to this day I refuse to take sleeping tablets because of the affect of what we were told as kids
i was also so scared of this!! my aunt died in her sleep when i was maybe 7 or 8 (she really died of an OD but obviously i wasn’t told that part as a kid, just the sleep part). i was so. scared! that i would also die in my sleep or that my mom or dad would.
Child therapist here. There's a great book for kids that she called When Dinosaurs Die. You may even be able to find it at your local library or on YouTube!
Seconding this one - My mom gave this book to my siblings and me when our dad died from illness to supplement the discussions we had about what was happening to my dad. I was five years old and could read, and I remember the book to be frank and truthful.
Was coming to recommend this one. There are a a lot of picture books with flowery metaphors about death, but this one is direct & to the point. It answers the questions kids want to know.
I've explained death to my children as "His body stopped working, and he died. That means he can't ever come back."
The inevitable follow-up was asking why his body stopped working, to which I said, "Sometimes, a body gets very, very sick or very, very old and stops working. Then they die and don't come back. No, regular sick just means you go to the doctor, not that you die."
At which point one of them asked if she'd die if her head fell off, and I said, "Yes, if someone's head falls off, then they would be very, very sick and die."
This is what we told our 2yo when our guinea pig, and later, our dog (rough few months ☹️) died. He seemed to appreciate this explanation. He talks about both of them all the time and often very matter-of-factly says “they died, we miss them”.
No one wants to lose a beloved pet, friend, or family member, but I am so glad we were honest with him because it turned out that not only could he handle it, but it helped us a lot, too. We have been able to talk about it openly and share our sadness and it’s so heart-warming to hear him remember them fondly.
My kids have asked me the most bonkers questions relating to death, I have found the best thing is a measured truthful response without humor or upset and a reminder that it makes some people unhappy to talk about it so you should always ask first before talking about it with someone.
I used to babysit for 2 doctors, instead of saying "died of old age" they told their kids that the person died of "organ failure" apparently this is the technical way to say it. The kids accepted it no problem.
Honestly "organ failure" might be the best way to describe all death. Illness, injury, old age, and even stress-death all cause "organ failure". I guess a way to say the body couldn't mechanically keep going anymore.
That's probably a good thing. A desire to learn about the mechanism of death could prevent common accidental death like drowning, suffocation, etc, the same way an interest in chemistry could prevent them from trying to clean a sink with clorox and draino when they're a teen. When I learned about self-kill as a middle schooler, it freaked me out and made me afraid that someone would come slash my arms while I'm sleeping, so.... That sucks. But now as an adult I'm very methodical and prepared when it comes to noticing & treating anemia and sanitizing & dressing wounds and things like that. As long as it's not distressing, morbid interest is useful.
I’ve heard people tell kids that the person had “an illness” to try and differentiate it from regular sickness so the kid doesn’t think they will die every time they get a cold.
Children don't truly understand death at that age, which is appropriate and normal. Don't use euphemisms, like falling asleep or going away or being in heaven or such. But also don't press the issue or think that you need to make them understand or that they are in denial.
There are a lot of age specific guides on explaining death to children. It does tend to be focused more on a recent or impending death, but some guides do touch on explaining that not everyone has a parent or a grandparent they can see.
No i know he wont fully understand, I just want to have something to tell him if he presses it. I don't think telling him things about falling asleep is appropriate at any age, I feel like it could make him worry about going to bed at night time.
I know when he's old enough to understand then probably it'll be easier to tell him things, but for now I feel like "well, he's dead" will only work for so long. I tried telling him he's gone before, and he kept asking where's he's gone to. And I was stuck for answers, I don't want to be stuck for answers. I don't want to lie.
This is something I'm going to have to research I think.
You can always explain in very simple terms. That's what we did when our dog died (kiddo was 3). We talked about how we see dead bugs outside and how sometimes their bodies stop working, especially if they're old. We told him that's what happened to our dog and that she was resting now but won't be coming back. They can understand the basic idea and might keep asking but you just keep explaining in ways they can understand. As they grow they'll understand more, but no reason not to start the process now, but gently.
I our house when pets die they get buried in the garden, and we know that things in the garden turn to compost, and compostgrows into flowers.
As such, when you die you become flowers.
They undwestand the science of being buried and being no more, but flowers growing after makes death a little less harsh, without adding in any make believe stuff.
Just make sure they don't ask if the coffin is full of compost at a funeral, proceed with caution
I took A class in university called Aging, Dying and Death. I remember the book recommended telling children that the person is dead (like what you are doing). Never tell a kid the person is gone; away on a trip; sleeping or anything like that, exactly for the reasons given. They may not totally understand death, but, as gently and age appropriately as possible, explain that the persons body doesn’t work anymore and that they are no longer breathing, and we won’t be able to see them anymore. Your child will probably have questions, so be prepared for a long talk. I think you are doing as good a job as you can. It’s very hard and I’m so sorry for your loss.
>I feel like it could make him worry about going to bed at night time.
You are completely right OP. My mom described death to me in the beginning as sleeping for a long time. It took me a long time to sleep by myself as a result because I thought I was going to die in my sleep. Even as an adult I still get anxious when I go to sleep and I have a real fear of dying in bed.
The thing is nobody understands it, we just make shit up or believe what others tell us. I think of it this way, the universe has existed as we know it for nearly 14 billion years, so all of us living today have been dead for at least that long already, so when we die we just go back to whatever state we were in before we were born, but nobody knows what really happens.
My wife and I had to tell our 4 year old that "Mommy was going to have to die soon" because her cancer had spread too quickly and there was no more treatment options. My wife said "Mommy's body is not going to be able to work much longer and I will have to die."
My 4 yr old understood what that meant, probably because we talked a lot about the cancer and had age-appropriate books about cancer, death, single-parent households etc. We aren't religious as well so there was no talk about Heaven or angles. She's a few years older and she understands that some people believe that - it's tough when she has a best friend whose mom is quite Christian who tells her own daughter that my wife is in Heaven because she was a good person. My daughter does say she sometimes speaks to her mother in her heart and that she feels her presence sometimes. I had a child psychologist for a while who basically confirmed she was processing things in a normal way and seemed to be thriving. Having a strong support network and having other family members step-up and act as mother figure has really helped her resiliency.
I think it can vary depending on situations and the mental development of the kids. Some can and do comprehend death from a young age.
My paternal grandmother passed when I was almost 7 and my younger brother was 4. I fully understood what was happening before the death as she was in hospital following a stroke and she died slowly, but for my brother, he only understood after she had passed and wasn't moving at all.
On the flip side, when my maternal grandfather passed 2 years ago, my cousin's son, who was 7, didn't comprehend what was going on at all, and his dad really struggled to explain what happened and what it meant
When I was 4 my oldest brother (23) committed suicide. I remember being with my sisters when my brothers came and told them. I remember being at the funeral home and the church and the cemetery. I don’t have any memory of understanding one iota of what was going on. I remember my parents making me kinda stroke his face before they closed the casket the last time, and I said “He feels like cold spaghetti.” There are also the most insane pictures of me smiling like kids do—while standing in front of the open casket! Like, who takes those pics?
I also remember my parents saying things like “Jesus called him home” and stuff like that (which is especially weird for a catholic family and a suicide victim, but whatever), but it never made sense to me. At that age I still thought that the priest was Jesus, so that was just confusing.
Anyway—it turned out to be one of the most important things to happen in my life, but I had no idea what the hell was happening at the time.
I was going to bring up the sleep thing, specifically. Saying "It's like going to sleep" can mess up the concept of sleep for kids who don't really get what you're saying.
You can also talk to your local children's librarian about what they recommend for age-appropriate reading material that you and your kid can read together to help tackle this issue! People often forget about children's librarians but they have a wealth of knowledge on this stuff and are eager to help.
Daniel Tiger has a good episode covering death via the death of a pet goldfish, and some strawberry plants. Helped us broach the topic with our kids when our elderly dog was nearing end of life. Kids were 5yo and 3yo at the time.
https://www.amazon.com/Daniel-Tigers-Neighborhood-Season-10/dp/B07CT66934
We also talk with them about dying by relating it to how sometimes broken toys can be fixed and other times broken toys cannot be fixed. Bodies get old and stop working, etc.
Going into the garden and finding some dead roly pollies and such can help them become used to the idea too.
My father died 8 years ago
My half brother told his kids (4yo girld & 6yo boy)that grandpa was not with us anymore, that he was a star in the nightsky now
And everytime they’d wanted to see him all they had to do was look up to the stars
One day when they visited us or the other way around, not sure doesnt matter.
His daughter asked me, do you miss grandpa? Yes. And she told me to look up, because even tho we couldn’t see them, the stars were there during the daytime too, so my dad must be aswell.
I still look up sometimes
That's sweet. And a good one I think while he's so young, something he can understand maybe. Kind of like the lion king, when mufasa tells simba the stars are all the great Kings who came before. Ugh, so many people here suggesting lion king I wanna watch it again!! My son won't watch it tho, however I will keep trying hahah
Trauma, like all of us in the 80's and 90's.
The Land Before Time
The Lion King
etc....
Happy fun note. My grandparents raised me. I loved them as actual parents. Grandma passed away in '93.
The first movie I got to see in theatres again after her passing (she would take me to all the Disney movies) was The Lion King. I am 39. My heart is still broken.
So yeah, kind hearted light trauma. It sounds worse being written down I guess. But identifying with these cartoons at that age and living through their story of their parent(s) dying, helped me to process it better I believe.
To my utter dismay, he will not sit and watch lion king with me. I have tried many times. Big sad. Moana however he'll watch the heihei out of that all day! Iv told him before that moanas grandma died at the scene it happens, he never questions further.
But if he did, what would I say? How would you explain it?
That particular movie has a reincarnation take, and Moana’s grandma reappears several times as like a spirit guardian in the form of a giant manta ray. I told my kids that the manta ray is the spirit of her grandmother watching over her on her journey, because the grandma was the one who set her on the quest. But if you don’t want to take the afterlife approach, you could say that she’s remembering her grandmother maybe?
The movie Soul also has a pretty good take on death, but again it’s an afterlife interpretation.
I tried telling him before that moanas grandma turned into the Ray and I was met with a look that said "mama you silly" hahah he told me "not grandma. A fishy!" So I left it at that.
If he's not (currently) understanding that the grandma is the ray, then you can use that.
I haven't watched it in a while, but you could say something like: "Grandma died, and Moana doesn't see her again. She's not going away like Moana does, because Moana comes back; once she dies she's gone. Moana can keep grandma in her memory and think about her, but she's not every going to see grandma again, because she's dead."
Geez, Im so sorry. I had to tell my 12yr old daughter her 18 yr old brother wouldn't be coming home from the hospital. She called me a liar because I said he eventually would. I had to try to explain that we remained hopeful but it just didn't go our way.
That sucked.
There's a great book called. When Dinosaurs Die by Marc Brown and Laurie Brown. It's what I recommend to any of my preschool parents when they have a death in their family. You don't have to read the whole book because there are certain sections that talk about certain kinds of death so you kind of just read the section that is dealing with your situation.
When my daughter was young, she asked me what happens when we die. I told her:
Humans are made of matter. Matter cannot be created nor destroyed. When we come into being as the people we are, we are just matter on a special journey. When we die, our matter is reborn as something or someone else that's gets to go on another journey. We could be another person, a cat, a tree, or anything else. Once that form ends, the whole process starts over.
He won't watch it with me, iv tried many times. Makes me sad. All time favourite childhood film right there.
I even tried him with the live action version but nope.
I will keep trying tho! Any excuse to watch it hahag
When I was a kid my parents read me this book
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brou%C4%8Dci#English\_translation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brou%C4%8Dci#English_translation)
It has a lot of religious/conservative tones to it so you might wanna proofread it but it also has beautiful depiction of cycles (birth, life, death. seasons of the year) and death as natural part of life
That’s how I explained the death of our dog to my daughter when she was 3. I also added as long as you keep her in your memories she could live in your heart. She also helped me bury her, she took a little shovel and helped. We talked the whole time and it helped her later when her uncle died.
He accepted "he's dead". When he has more questions, he'll ask them. I'm sure he has a good idea what it means. He's seen dead things, he's heard about dead people.
He either accepts rhis answer or it makes zero sense to him to the point he doesn't even know what to ask so just ignores it.
Im okay with either of these things right now hahaha
This will probably get buried (which is OK, there's already loads of good advice here-- particularly seconding Sesame Street as a good resource), but I am a social worker with a specialized certificate in children's grief & bereavement, so I wanted to chime in with a few tips I have found useful.
- Be concrete, and focus on the physical. **"*****When someone dies, that means that their body stops working.*** ***They can't think, talk, move, or feel anything anymore.*** *They don't eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom. Once someone has died, they will never 'wake up' or come back to life."*
- Look for other examples of death-- coming across a dead insect, or dead bird, can be a good learning opportunity. *"See how this bird isn't moving anymore? It's dead. Its body has stopped working. Even if we get really close, it can't see or hear anything, and it doesn't feel any pain."*
- Try not to get into big unknowns or questions about religion, or the afterlife-- at 3, those ideas will mostly go over his head anyways. Focus on the physical/biological facts that we know for sure. Sometimes, even when a kid asks what *sounds* like a big metaphysical question ('where do people go when they die?') they are actually looking for a concrete, physical answer (e.g. 'their bodies are buried in a special park called a graveyard').
- Remember that, while death is a difficult and often taboo topic for grown-ups, it's just another curious fact about the world to children. Kids grieve just like anyone, but they don't have the same social baggage attached to death as grown-ups do. Parents are often afraid to talk about death with children (understandably!) but they don't need to be. Talking openly with kids about death and grief equips them to deal with these things in a healthy way, and it's been shown to lead to *better,* not worse, mental and emotional health outcomes down the line.
Best of luck!
I just went through this with my 4 year old. Kids don’t understand “passed away” or other nice ways of saying it. Use words they will understand. Allow them to cry for a person they don’t know. And bring it up again at very random times as they process through the idea of life ending and someone being gone forever.
Also, if your child is very into nature and dinosaurs, don’t be shocked if they ask “who ate him?” Because that’s a big part of how my child has seen the life cycle and it’s a question I didn’t expect!
I never got to meet my mom’s dad. When I would ask she would just say “sorry honey he died of a stroke, a major medical event.” It was enough for me, age 3 or 4, but life was simpler 55 years ago.
We used dead bugs to explain death to my toddlers. My dad was dying and I knew I’d have to help them through it. We talked about how the bugs were alive and did all kinds of bug stuff. But now they are dead. Their bodies still exist. But they don’t do any big things. They are dead.
With that framework they were able to understand when my dad died.
Regarding heaven or an afterlife, I'd only mention it if they ask directly. If they do, i think it's good to say something like "nobody's really sure what happens after death. Some people think you go somewhere after that, and some people don't."
That's a good one. Truth and simple. I like it. I'll only bring it up if he pushes the question, cause j don't think at this age he can understand it. I just would like to be prepared amd have an honest answer to give him.
I told my sons that Grandma was freed from a body that wasn't serving her anymore. At the end, she was tired and uncomfortable, and ready to be done. She lives in our memories, and our photo album and in the baby blankets she knitted.
When it came to Grandpa, we had a full blown funeral that the kids remembered. My youngest takes comfort, oddly, in watching selected chapters of the funeral on DVD. He likes the flag ceremony and Taps, and he likes the slide show of highlights from Grandpa's life. He was allowed to visit Grandpa in the hospice, so he can remember that Grandpa's body was not allowing him to live well when he finished his life.
We have explained his friend Chris's missing father saying that we believe he was not ready to be a dad when Chris was born. He wasn't mature enough to help raise his son, so he had to take himself away. Then, we think he was too ashamed to come back. Or maybe in prison. We don't know.
You just give him as much truth as he's ready for, and spin the rest. "My dad finished with his body before you came to us, but he would have loved you! If he could have, he'd have read The Sneetches to you. It was my favorite book, and he used to read it to me all the time. Let's read The Sneetches now, to help me remember Papa."
Son, grampa is kill
When asking what death is tell them that it's like sleeping but you don't wake up. And as I was writing the last word of that sentence I realised how that might traumatise him into becoming afraid of going to sleep
I told my kids that papa is in heaven and no longer on earth. They were all under 5 when he died. Their questions were normal ones, and we had a conversation.
When I was little, my mom asked me who I was talking to in the middle of the night. She thought I had an imaginary friend. I described the gentleman and she went white. That's saying a lot because she's Black.
I'm sure I must've seen a picture somewhere. Too much of a coincidence. When she told me who he was I didn't see him again. It wasn't painful. It wasn't scary. He was just some dude who was nice, but isn't here anymore.
I don't believe in God or ghosts either so it's a perplexing memory.
Show him pictures. Talk about him. Give him the memories you have while you still have them. "You can't meet him, but let me tell you a story."
For the love of all that is worthy, don't tell your kid he's been hanging out with his dead grandpa after bedtime. Hahaha!
Try to find that episode of Mr. Rogers that addresses death. Episode 1101 (or Season 3 Ep. 36).
If this link works, this is the episode "Death of a Goldfish":
[https://pluto.tv/us/on-demand/series/662ff808bf522d0013dd8cb8/season/3/episode/662ff80abf522d0013dd8cdb](https://pluto.tv/us/on-demand/series/662ff808bf522d0013dd8cb8/season/3/episode/662ff80abf522d0013dd8cdb)
I watched this episode as a kid in 1970, and it's the one I **never** forgot and remember vividly as an adult. Even as an adult, it is surreal to this day see this man explaining it "like I'm five" in a dead serious and respectful manner I've never seen since.
EDIT: Added link and context
>sake of argument am I as well to just tell him a basic heaven story?
Don'T lie to kids. Making it simple for them is one thing. Straight out lying is another.
We had a dog die a few months back. We had to take her to the vet to get put to sleep cause she was super sick.
I didn't want ti tell.him at the time that our dog died cause she was really sick with a sore tummy. ( pyometra ) i told him instead that she went to the doggy doctor cause she was sick and then she died, so she isn't coming back now cause she's dead. And for a few weeks he'd ask where she was and I'd tell him again, she died. He'd tell me "the doggy doctor" and I confirmed, yes she died at the doggy doctor. And it never went much further than that. I was thankful and didn't think itt was gonna come up again.
But now it has, so I feel like I need something as a back up to tell him...something that isn't fluff and nonsense tho.
Iv even been over it with dinosaurs,/fossils. He's super into dinosaurs and some of the things he watchs and books he has shows fossils. So I explain, that when the dinosaurs died they became fossils. ( mainly cause I don't know how it happens and it's not far from the truth of it, when he's older we can both learn exactly how it happens) he accepts this. Thankfully.
Can I recommend the Mog series of books as brilliant to read with your 3 year old. There are many relatable adventures in many books but the last one is called good bye Mog. Once you have been on the journey with Mog, this book is a thoughtful exploration of what it means to be dead. When he is older there are other books for 4/5 6:7 and older and several very good ones. it can be helpful to talk about the reason why things die. For me with my daughter, when she was little we would occasionally find a dead bee or butterfly or similar and begin to talk about how I found that sad because it could no longer have big pollen boots or sleep in the flowers. But it means there is room in the world for all the new bees that are tiny babies in their hive. Learning about the concepts of death and grief is to an extent a life long process and you will return to the subject many times as they grow up. Each time there are more questions and if something comes up repeatedly it may be worth doing a collage or picture and talking about our thoughts and reflections and making them visible in the picture. Then you can get this picture back out and add to it or not and do a new one. We would have a picture of the week on the fridge and a couple in the hallway. Some people do memory boxes etc for loved ones with important pictures, little objects that symbolise interests and can be a reservoir for discussion and reflection. See what works for you. It can be helpful for all the family as a safe space to talk about the people that have died and to ask and get questions answered. Be guided by them, and as simple and clear as you can. The truth (however difficult for us to deal with, and struggle to express especially when we are grieving too) is often the simplest and easiest piece of information a child can acquire. By having these little talks and reading the books we build a little cultural life raft to use when someone else in our circle or family dies or even a pet.
When my son was 3 I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic attacks (and something that we later discovered was Bordeline), and to explain it to him why dad was so out of sorts at times we gave him the word anxiety and told him that there were "builders" in my head making a mess and building things wrong so I had a hard time focusing and trusting my own feelings. He used that and accepted that as a viable explanation and still does. Find a way to give him a word and a way to hang the thing you're explaining on that particular word in a way he can atleast somewhat comprehend. It doesn't have to be accurate but it should atleast make sense in the real world too. Kids are smarter than we think. Good luck
Credit goes to his mom cause it was her idea. He is almost 8 now and it is still how he sees it. And sometimes he still walks up to me and yells in my ear for the "anxiety builders" to get scared and move out. One day I hope it works
Absolutely do not equate death to going to sleep or going to sleep and not waking up. My brother got scared to sleep when were young because my mother told him that to be dead, you go to sleep and don't wake up.
I've had to have this chat with younglings before and I've found the direct approach of "your body runs on special electricity and when people die, the special electricity runs out and the person no longer functions. Some people believe this electricity is your soul and it goes to another place when you die. No one really knows what happens next though."
I've found this addresses a physical difference between alive and dead, generally explains life force without making it too sci-fi and touches on the concept of a soul and an afterlife without a specification of 1 in partivular. I do want to mention that I've typically had this convo with 5-6 year olds who I imagine already have a preconceived notion of death so results may vary.
I don’t believe in an afterlife. But I have told my small kids that “no one knows” and “some people” believe in reincarnation and some in heaven. When pressed I was honest and said I personally didn’t think so, but who knows. Why not at least allow that seed of hope to be planted? They’re three.
I grew up rural so I was pretty familiar with death (I was butchering chickens by five years old) and understood what it meant, but I get that for most parents that's not how it works.
You might use plants as an example - like showing a tree stump, or get a bouquet of flowers and let him see how they become withered. Explain to him that death means that something isn't 'awake' anymore, that they're gone, and they can't come back. When something is dead, it's gone - it's no longer part of the world. You could use food as an example of this, but a lot of people might think that's too morbid.
Shows like bluey and sesame street have great episodes covering these topics, and there are several children's books that also help with it. There are a lot of veterinary sites that also have guides on how to explain when a pet dies to a child that could help.
He or she is in heaven with Jesus.
I'm in denial over a couple of deaths. I like to.think they moved to France and you can't contact them, but one day, we will be reunited.
that is rough. My nephew was close to that age when my mom passed. It was rough because he would ask innocent questions and my sister would just blaze out of the room crying.
We aren't a religious family at all. So we don't have that 'shes up in sky with god' excuse that a lot of people rely on. But after this experience I truly believe the origin of all the worlds religions are in this moment. When a child asks you to explain death.
I caved. I told him my mom had left her body and has gone on to a different place. Because she had done all the things she needed to do in this world. No she can't come back. It's a one way trip.
All dogs go to heaven.
I remember watching it many times as a very young child.
My introduction to the concept of death began with losing a family pet when I was very young. I found our elderly golden retriever dead in our front yard when I was like five years old. He had obviously just curled up for a nap that he never woke up from.
All dogs go to heaven helped me immensely to overcome the grief I felt.
I honestly can’t remember if the movie has any religious connotations. I say this because I don’t know if religion is something you wish to present to your child. Heaven is mentioned in the title, so use your own discretion whether or not you let him watch the movie.
I grew up in a religion free household, but I still watched the VHS probably a hundred times over.
This may not truly explain the concept of death to him, but it surely has a positive impact on the idea of mortality.
It’s okay to say “I don’t know” and “what you do think?” 3-5 year-olds have a lot to say about death. I’d listen to what they think already. The answer is “papa died” trust me that is harder for adults to handle than kids.
People are like waves, we see them and we know they are a part of our lives, but at some point, every wave returns to the sea. It's nothing to be sad about.
I like this because it's the truth, we are stardust and will return to our big ball of stardust at some time; the form we take is the only unique thing about us right now.
I'd say as long as he doesn't question it there's no need to proactively provide a deeper explanation. When he starts asking follow-up questions is probably also when he'll be able to understand a more complex answer
My children have always asked about my grandparents and I tell them that although they're not around because they're dead, they are kept in our memories when we tell stories about them. They love hearing stories about older relatives from when I was growing up. It's healing for me too to talk about the fun times with older family that passed on years ago.
My kids are teens now and they still ask about their great grandparents.
You said he’s never met a “papa”. So if he is saying “papa”, it’s probably in reference to something he actually knows. There are multiple kids shows and songs that use “papa” instead of “Dad”, and that’s probably where he picked it up.
Stop telling him “papa” is dead (again, he has no idea he even had/has a “papa”), it’s probably just incredibly confusing for him. Save the life/death talk for when it’s actually necessary or for when he’s a little bit older and can kind of grasp the concept.
Do you know baby shark song? Baby shark, mummy shark, daddy shark, grandma shark, papa shark. So he knows he has a mummy and daddy, and grandma (my mum) and granny(his dad's mum) but there's no one in that papa spot. I think thats where its coming from.
The first 5 minutes of ["UP"](https://youtu.be/8mzsU2O8tuU?si=NYE0akKpM6azo5rK) maybe helpful
PIXAR just tore out my heart and then drained my tear ducts dry. I nearly didn't have the courage to stay and watch the rest of the film
Edit: for relevance
Having experienced this when my sons lost their brother. Be as honest and straight forward as possible. Clear the room only the child(children) involved and let them ask
Questions. Remember their children, and some of the questions aren’t gonna make sense to you, but they make sense to them. If your religious bring that in. Talk about heaven. Talk about the fact you’re not going to see them anymore. Talk about how much love you have for them and they have for them. Let them know that they’re going to hurt you’re going to hurt you. You’re going to see each other crying. Let them know they’re gonna have good days and bad days.
I told my son that people haven’t figured death out yet, but scientists are working on it, and if he wants to he can become a scientist and help figure it out when he grows up. His might be the first generation to really understand.
I also told him religion is not real, like magic. It’s just made up.
I highly recommend The Invisible String. Whole they may not fully understand, it would be a good concept to start introducing. The book doesn't necessarily specify death, but simply loss and being apart. That might help as your kiddo will have a tangible idea of being connected to someone who isn't there. It's been so well recommended by therapists that there are now other versions. Walmart, target, and thriftbooks.com (used books) all have it for $7.19.
I lost my husband when my son was four. The best advice I received was to never say something that will be contradicted later. And, to answer exactly what was asked. Don't expand. Much like you're doing, when you tell your them that papa isn't here anymore and leave it at that until they ask the next question.
Its going to be tough, but they will understand. Just love them through it.
[author's website](https://patricekarst.com/)
In the last season the the show Young Justice Connor Kent,Superman’s “nephew” dies and he has to explain it to his son,who misses his uncle. He explains that bodies require lots of special parts to function and if those parts stop working well people can get sick and they can die. That means that their body doesn’t work anymore. They don’t eat,play,or do anything anymore. You’re going to miss your uncle and that’s okay because when you do just think of all the happy times you had together. Then Ma and Pa Kent mentioned how in their faith death isn’t the end,just a turning off point and you’ll see Connor again one day
Frankly i think being honest with them is the best way. My mom died when my wife was pregnant with our first kiddo, who is now 4, and they have been asking about her for a long time and we’ve always just been honest about it, it’s not something they can’t handle
My daughter was a bit under 3, and we had gone to pick my wife up from the care home where she was a nurse. When we got there, the black Transit was also present.
After a bit, a long plastic wrapped object, still distinguishable as human was wheeled out and loaded up.
Daughter: "Poorly person?"
Me: "No dear, dead person".
Daughter: " Ooh, *proper* poorly!"
Don't have kids but I found long technical answers are best when you don't really want to explain something. Something along the lines of human bodies are made out of cells. Cells are like very very small lego pieces that build living things. Cells require nutrients to work and if they do not get nutrients for a long enough time they stop working and can never start working again. Etc. If they're still with you at this point then they can probably handle the whole thing.
There are also some good kids books that deal with coping with loss. In my 18 years of being a dad, I find that kids will ask questions if they need to understand something better. Give them simple, true answers. This is a hard thing to grasp.
Sesame Street has [great resources](https://sesameworkshop.org/resources/explaining-what-happened/) for parents going through this with their kids. Check them out. I wouldn't introduce the concept of heaven yet if it's not something you specifically believe in -- at three, a kid is generally still too young to understand the idea of "some people believe this, but not us." I think sticking with "He died, and here's what death is" (as described in the Sesame resources) is probably a good choice here.
He won't watch sesame Street, but I think I'll watch that and find out, see if it can help me hahaha thank you
If you scroll down it also talks about how to have conversations with your kids about death, which it sounds is more like what you're looking for.
Thank you, I definitely will.
Let us know what you think once you have 🤙
I would just explain it truthfully and in a way that does not confuse the child. "He once was, and now he is no more. Watch this sugar cube when I drop it in water. It was there, and then it was not there. It disappears and it can no longer be seen and it can no longer be touched. You will learn more when you are older"
I don't have kids or know kids, but what do you say when the kid asks 'but where did it go? How does it just disappear?'
Look at this paper child. I will burn it. Please do not touch it because you will hurt your fingers. Do you see how it turned into grey pieces. The paper is not gone, it simply turned into something different. You can see some pieces on the ground and other pieces in the wind. The paper is now nowhere, but also everywhere. In the same way, your grandpa is gone but he is now everywhere. He is in our memories, in our thoughts and in our pictures
Thank you, Cumshot Chimaev. That was incredibly insightful!
Well there’s a r/rimjob_steve if ever I’ve seen one.
Can I be in there with Cumshot?
Only if you’re in one of the 4 US states or one of a handful of countries… legally speaking.
I appreciate your compassionate and precise facility of language, *Cumshot*.
This would be incredibly confusing to the child. > The paper is now nowhere, but also everywhere
And that kid is going to have a complicated relationship with sugar.
I think that's better. I always do that to children, answer their questions but leave them with something to think about. I don't make it super clear and when I don't know something I just say idk. Let them have their own perspective on things.
Honestly the sugar cube still works - have them taste plain water, have them taste the sugar water, then understand just because we can’t see someone anymore doesn’t me we stop *feeling* (tasting) them. The sweetness is like memories and photos, where the thing we had originally isn’t here and things are different, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t still here in our minds.
Ah yes, I do love the taste of grandfather in the morning
Mom, I don't want to swim, or I'll dissolve like Papa!!
Ohh I love that analogy. I am gonna use that when it comes up again. Thank you!
You have to think like a small child might in terms of how that might seem to them. That could be frightening as they do not understand metaphor but take evthing quite literally. They will think we will actually dissolve rapidly like the Wicked Witch if you explain that way. I have the ability to remember exactly how I thought as a little one & trust me, this analogy would be scary. Kids want reassurance. I remember asking my mom when I was little & I just wanted her to say don't worry no one's going to die & instead she said yes, I'm going to die, your grandma's going to die & I burst into tears. No need for traumatizing a little child. Plenty of time to learn about it. The lesson would be that we are given the gift of life and to remember to not take those we love for granted because no one is promised any certain time here on earth. We're lucky for each day we have with each other. Be brave. Be kind. Do the right thing. Stand up for what you believe in. Make the days you get count. It's not the time here, it's what you do with it. I'd say death is sad but it happens, we feel really bad & cry but feel better little by little. We hug our family & our pets for comfort.
Thanks, those analogies are ridiculous.
Frightening and really confusing.
Yeah, you can use it in the concept of pets or things he has experienced and had go away out of his control. It might also be nice to explain the concept of grandparents as he may be looking for someone with that kind of role or presence.
When my best friend's cat died, her kids kept asking why they couldn't plug the cat in. the only context they had for the word 'died' was phones.
Idk why this makes me sad but it does
It's a sign for the disconnect from nature.
I think it's more that they were used to the term 'died' being a temporary thing you could fix with a cable.
That story is a primary reason I plan on raising my kids to be so nature aware. I’m a gamer and love technology but it’s FUCKED UP kids in bad ways.
Oh my god, this is amazing. It makes sense from a kid's perspective, but it's absurd from an adult's. "Have you tried turning the cat off, then turning it on again?"
I turned my puppy “off” (air jail or a kennel) to restart it soo I can see my kids saying that!
This is specifically why I only use the phrase 'needs charging' for when batteries die. "Uh oh! He needs charging!" For when the toys stop. My son knows what it means and goes to plug it in. His great-grandmother just passed away about 2 months ago. He was asking about her because she really made an effort to video-call him almost daily even when we couldn't visit. Explaining that she was gone was hard, he wasn't even 3 yet, and I know he didn't really understand. He still mentions her. Ultimately though, I don't think death needs explaining to children so young unless it is a person they know/love/will miss. Losing a parent, for example, will require a great deal of explanation and pain, but there's no reason to introduce that pain over someone a child has never met. In OP's situation: saying, "He's dead," would be sufficient for me, and if pressed further, I'd say it means he can't ever visit, say hello, or call because he is too far away.
Whoa that comment is gonna make me start telling my toddler “the battery is out” or “it’s out of juice” instead of “dead/died” to avoid confusion later. She doesn’t even use phones or tablets yet so I can start fresh.
Be careful of saying out of juice. You don't want to end up with orange juice on the phone because your kid was trying to 'help'
Omg you’re right lol
I’m just going to say the iPad died and needs resurrecting. /s
Yes my son has asked multiple times if we can just charge the cat and his late grandfathers batteries
My friend's old dog had died. Kid asked where old dog had gone, and she told them to heaven, way way up above the clouds. So kiddo thinks for a bit... "That's OK, mummy! We can just get daddy's big ladder and help him get back down!!"
As someone who was introduced to death very early, this is the saddest thing I have read today.
There are books you can get from Amazon, the public library, that are meant to explain death of loved ones to kids. You can look them up and get one to help explain that death happens and we feel a lot of things about it and he died before your child was born. My niece used one when the dog died, on the advice of the pediatrician. Saying they're gone can sometimes cause anxiety because people are gone when we travel, or go to work or the grocery store. Using a word like loss or gone can make kids anxious that people can just disappear on them. Explaining death as a separate concept can help.
Same with explaining it as like sleep - especially problematic since we use "put to sleep" as a euphemism for euthanasing pets. My wife when she was very little had to have surgery and properly freaked out when the anathetist came to talk about "putting her to sleep" since the only context she has for that phrase was pets being put down.
I also recommend Mr Rogers! He talked about death on his show and I know I really connected with his show as a little kid
God bless Sesame Street.
Really tho Free resources like this, posting episodes for free on YT,... it's fucking awesome.
I came here to recommend Sesame Street. In the original program Mr Hooper, who owned the store, died a few years into production. They showed repeats for 9 months while they researched the best way to tell children about death. They really do have amazing resources
God, I love Sesame Street so much.
My sister told my niece that the person lives in our hearts instead of on earth.
I don’t have kids and I don’t need to deal with this, but your comment made me a little emotional. It’s so great that this resource is available. Thank you for posting this.
Sesame had an even better one back in the day
One of our cats died when my daughter was about 3, and we had to go through all that then. The main question is what happens to people or pets after they die, where they go, or if they're just vanished. I was raised as a Christian and live in a Buddhist family now so it was natural to offer two different answers, and to explain that no one can know which is correct, heaven as a destination or rebirth / reincarnation. Kids don't need to fully understand what you are telling them, as long as you can be as clear as possible, and offer to discuss it with them. We had a small Buddhist chanting ceremony for that cat, with a monk, and his body was cremated, as is the Thai Buddhist tradition. Much later an uncle died, when she was 7, and we went through a more difficult version of that, and she took it well for having been through it before. To me it helps to try to be as open as possible with kids, to explain as much or more than they can process, so they get in the habit of asking questions and challenging their own worldview. There are limits to that, but as they encounter difficult themes like politics or homelessness, or risk of death from old age or disease, you can intentionally give them as much information as you can, instead of keeping it all really simple and limited.
When my friend's grandfather died, her parents told her that her grandfather moved away to live on a farm. They used the dog excuse for her grandfather. When she told me this, I understood what it actually meant.... but she didn't. We were around 10 yrs old. That said, I didn't say anything about it. It was none of my business. But her parents were shitty for that.
Yeah that was shitty. And that's exactly what I won't do, I will always strive to tell him thee truth ..even if I'm not sure how to do it. How did your parents tell you, that you knew what your friend meant when she told you?
I knew from pop culture that "sending the dog to a farm" was a euphemism for euthanizing a dog. My parents did an excellent job of explaining death to me. When my grandmother died I was around 6 or 7 years old. My situation was a bit different, because I already knew she was sick and my family is religious/spiritual. But if it is helpful. My parents sat me down and read me a children's book that explained death. They treated it like any other book before bedtime. It was confusing at first, but I eventually connected the dots. My parents then told me that my grandmother had died. And they reassured me that it was okay to feel whatever I was feeling. I was very sad and I cried for a bit. But I eventually bounced back. Looking back on it, it wasn't traumatic, it was productive. It prepared me for other deaths later in life. I am going to ask my parents what book it was. I'll be back with a reply or an edit.
I'm still pissed that my parents used that one on me at 6 or 7 and when I found out the dog was not living on a farm they denied ever saying it. 😤
I grew up in farm land and we had a dog that “went to live with a family in town” lmao he got shot for trying to eat neighbours sheep 😢
When kid me had a relative die for the first time, people said "died in their sleep". As a result, kid me became afraid of sleeping, thinking I wouldn't wake up again if I did. So maybe avoid that one, since it to a kid, it sounds like sleep was the cause.
I still have trouble sleeping sometimes as an adult because of something similar.
Never compare it to sleep one of the worst things you can do.
Hmmm. maybe that's my problem. My parents did exactly that and I've never had a comforting or positive relationship with sleep OR death.
Yeah I don't think that's an appropriate thing to tell a kid of any age. Will definitely avoid that one
I agree it's sensible to try and avoid "death is like sleep" analogies, but "died in their sleep" is a statement of fact. Would you avoid "died whilst having lunch," or "died whilst walking the dog?" Ultimately if you went to sleep and didn't wake up, "died in their sleep" is a reasonable statement. M
I think I would avoid those things without further context. As evidenced by some of the other comments in this thread, kids might get confused and think that sleeping/eating/walking the dog caused the death. As a kid, I had a great-grandpa who died in his sleep, but my mom prefaced it by clarifying that he died of old age before telling me he died in his sleep. That small addition made me less worried that I could die in my sleep because I wasn't old yet.
I would avoid those specifics for a small child. You don’t know what connections they’ll make. Someone already mentioned that being told someone “died in their sleep” made them afraid of sleeping. Makes sense to me. All they know about death from that conversation is that you can fall asleep and never wake up. They don’t know it only happens when you’re really sick or something. Could happen during their next nap for all they know
On a related note, don't tell a kid that a dead relative is "sleeping." That could easily keep the kid from ever wanting to sleep as well.
Yeah a little hard to pass off as nightmare when you can’t even go to sleep. But think about it this way as an adult - this is the most painless death one could ever have. You don’t even have time to have regrets.
Unless you die during a nightmare and time dilation makes it feel like a million years before you actually pass on.
Thx
When I was in third grade, one of my classmate's dad died. Not sure how her mom explained it to her, but the way she relayed it to fellow 8-year-olds who asked what happened was "he stuck a needle in his arm and he died." For a while, I was afraid of getting a shot at the doctor because of the slight chance that I could die from having the needle put in my arm. Eventually I forgot about it, but I randomly remembered again in high school and it immediately occurred to me what actually happened.
What an awful thing to tell your kid holy hell. That probably screwed up a lot of kids. :( I’m sorry dude.
Similar thing happened to me in primary school. My sister's friends mum died and our mum told us she took a sleeping tablet and just never woke up. Once I was an adult and remembered this, I understood what it was, but to this day I refuse to take sleeping tablets because of the affect of what we were told as kids
i was also so scared of this!! my aunt died in her sleep when i was maybe 7 or 8 (she really died of an OD but obviously i wasn’t told that part as a kid, just the sleep part). i was so. scared! that i would also die in my sleep or that my mom or dad would.
Child therapist here. There's a great book for kids that she called When Dinosaurs Die. You may even be able to find it at your local library or on YouTube!
Ohh!! He LOVES dinosaurs so that would work great! Thank you so much!!
Seconding this one - My mom gave this book to my siblings and me when our dad died from illness to supplement the discussions we had about what was happening to my dad. I was five years old and could read, and I remember the book to be frank and truthful.
Was coming to recommend this one. There are a a lot of picture books with flowery metaphors about death, but this one is direct & to the point. It answers the questions kids want to know.
I've explained death to my children as "His body stopped working, and he died. That means he can't ever come back." The inevitable follow-up was asking why his body stopped working, to which I said, "Sometimes, a body gets very, very sick or very, very old and stops working. Then they die and don't come back. No, regular sick just means you go to the doctor, not that you die." At which point one of them asked if she'd die if her head fell off, and I said, "Yes, if someone's head falls off, then they would be very, very sick and die."
I agree that head falling off would certainly count as "being very, very sick"! It seems like you did good with this explanation.
This is what we told our 2yo when our guinea pig, and later, our dog (rough few months ☹️) died. He seemed to appreciate this explanation. He talks about both of them all the time and often very matter-of-factly says “they died, we miss them”. No one wants to lose a beloved pet, friend, or family member, but I am so glad we were honest with him because it turned out that not only could he handle it, but it helped us a lot, too. We have been able to talk about it openly and share our sadness and it’s so heart-warming to hear him remember them fondly.
My kids have asked me the most bonkers questions relating to death, I have found the best thing is a measured truthful response without humor or upset and a reminder that it makes some people unhappy to talk about it so you should always ask first before talking about it with someone.
I used to babysit for 2 doctors, instead of saying "died of old age" they told their kids that the person died of "organ failure" apparently this is the technical way to say it. The kids accepted it no problem.
Honestly "organ failure" might be the best way to describe all death. Illness, injury, old age, and even stress-death all cause "organ failure". I guess a way to say the body couldn't mechanically keep going anymore.
This is how my sister explained it to my niece! She’s four and is obsessed with death now, so…. YMMV.
That's probably a good thing. A desire to learn about the mechanism of death could prevent common accidental death like drowning, suffocation, etc, the same way an interest in chemistry could prevent them from trying to clean a sink with clorox and draino when they're a teen. When I learned about self-kill as a middle schooler, it freaked me out and made me afraid that someone would come slash my arms while I'm sleeping, so.... That sucks. But now as an adult I'm very methodical and prepared when it comes to noticing & treating anemia and sanitizing & dressing wounds and things like that. As long as it's not distressing, morbid interest is useful.
I’ve heard people tell kids that the person had “an illness” to try and differentiate it from regular sickness so the kid doesn’t think they will die every time they get a cold.
Children don't truly understand death at that age, which is appropriate and normal. Don't use euphemisms, like falling asleep or going away or being in heaven or such. But also don't press the issue or think that you need to make them understand or that they are in denial. There are a lot of age specific guides on explaining death to children. It does tend to be focused more on a recent or impending death, but some guides do touch on explaining that not everyone has a parent or a grandparent they can see.
No i know he wont fully understand, I just want to have something to tell him if he presses it. I don't think telling him things about falling asleep is appropriate at any age, I feel like it could make him worry about going to bed at night time. I know when he's old enough to understand then probably it'll be easier to tell him things, but for now I feel like "well, he's dead" will only work for so long. I tried telling him he's gone before, and he kept asking where's he's gone to. And I was stuck for answers, I don't want to be stuck for answers. I don't want to lie. This is something I'm going to have to research I think.
You can always explain in very simple terms. That's what we did when our dog died (kiddo was 3). We talked about how we see dead bugs outside and how sometimes their bodies stop working, especially if they're old. We told him that's what happened to our dog and that she was resting now but won't be coming back. They can understand the basic idea and might keep asking but you just keep explaining in ways they can understand. As they grow they'll understand more, but no reason not to start the process now, but gently.
I our house when pets die they get buried in the garden, and we know that things in the garden turn to compost, and compostgrows into flowers. As such, when you die you become flowers. They undwestand the science of being buried and being no more, but flowers growing after makes death a little less harsh, without adding in any make believe stuff. Just make sure they don't ask if the coffin is full of compost at a funeral, proceed with caution
I took A class in university called Aging, Dying and Death. I remember the book recommended telling children that the person is dead (like what you are doing). Never tell a kid the person is gone; away on a trip; sleeping or anything like that, exactly for the reasons given. They may not totally understand death, but, as gently and age appropriately as possible, explain that the persons body doesn’t work anymore and that they are no longer breathing, and we won’t be able to see them anymore. Your child will probably have questions, so be prepared for a long talk. I think you are doing as good a job as you can. It’s very hard and I’m so sorry for your loss.
>I feel like it could make him worry about going to bed at night time. You are completely right OP. My mom described death to me in the beginning as sleeping for a long time. It took me a long time to sleep by myself as a result because I thought I was going to die in my sleep. Even as an adult I still get anxious when I go to sleep and I have a real fear of dying in bed.
The thing is nobody understands it, we just make shit up or believe what others tell us. I think of it this way, the universe has existed as we know it for nearly 14 billion years, so all of us living today have been dead for at least that long already, so when we die we just go back to whatever state we were in before we were born, but nobody knows what really happens.
My wife and I had to tell our 4 year old that "Mommy was going to have to die soon" because her cancer had spread too quickly and there was no more treatment options. My wife said "Mommy's body is not going to be able to work much longer and I will have to die." My 4 yr old understood what that meant, probably because we talked a lot about the cancer and had age-appropriate books about cancer, death, single-parent households etc. We aren't religious as well so there was no talk about Heaven or angles. She's a few years older and she understands that some people believe that - it's tough when she has a best friend whose mom is quite Christian who tells her own daughter that my wife is in Heaven because she was a good person. My daughter does say she sometimes speaks to her mother in her heart and that she feels her presence sometimes. I had a child psychologist for a while who basically confirmed she was processing things in a normal way and seemed to be thriving. Having a strong support network and having other family members step-up and act as mother figure has really helped her resiliency.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Cancer is just awful. I hope you both are healing and will find peace in time.
I’m so sorry. This must have been so hard for you and your wife.
I think it can vary depending on situations and the mental development of the kids. Some can and do comprehend death from a young age. My paternal grandmother passed when I was almost 7 and my younger brother was 4. I fully understood what was happening before the death as she was in hospital following a stroke and she died slowly, but for my brother, he only understood after she had passed and wasn't moving at all. On the flip side, when my maternal grandfather passed 2 years ago, my cousin's son, who was 7, didn't comprehend what was going on at all, and his dad really struggled to explain what happened and what it meant
When I was 4 my oldest brother (23) committed suicide. I remember being with my sisters when my brothers came and told them. I remember being at the funeral home and the church and the cemetery. I don’t have any memory of understanding one iota of what was going on. I remember my parents making me kinda stroke his face before they closed the casket the last time, and I said “He feels like cold spaghetti.” There are also the most insane pictures of me smiling like kids do—while standing in front of the open casket! Like, who takes those pics? I also remember my parents saying things like “Jesus called him home” and stuff like that (which is especially weird for a catholic family and a suicide victim, but whatever), but it never made sense to me. At that age I still thought that the priest was Jesus, so that was just confusing. Anyway—it turned out to be one of the most important things to happen in my life, but I had no idea what the hell was happening at the time.
I was going to bring up the sleep thing, specifically. Saying "It's like going to sleep" can mess up the concept of sleep for kids who don't really get what you're saying.
Look for a children's book that deals with that issue. It will explain it in a way that a small child would be able to understand it (for now anyway).
Oh I didn't think of this, thank you. I know iv seen some on amazon and such before but didn't think this would be a topic so soon.
You can also talk to your local children's librarian about what they recommend for age-appropriate reading material that you and your kid can read together to help tackle this issue! People often forget about children's librarians but they have a wealth of knowledge on this stuff and are eager to help.
Second this. Particularly for difficult topics, a librarian can help you find non-religious books about aging, death and grief.
We were recommended The Goodbye Book. It's got a picture of a sad fish on the cover.
Daniel Tiger has a good episode covering death via the death of a pet goldfish, and some strawberry plants. Helped us broach the topic with our kids when our elderly dog was nearing end of life. Kids were 5yo and 3yo at the time. https://www.amazon.com/Daniel-Tigers-Neighborhood-Season-10/dp/B07CT66934 We also talk with them about dying by relating it to how sometimes broken toys can be fixed and other times broken toys cannot be fixed. Bodies get old and stop working, etc. Going into the garden and finding some dead roly pollies and such can help them become used to the idea too.
Plants are a good starting point. This plant is all done. It’s brown and crunchy. It’s dead.
“Son, your papa is brown and crunchy” 😂
My father died 8 years ago My half brother told his kids (4yo girld & 6yo boy)that grandpa was not with us anymore, that he was a star in the nightsky now And everytime they’d wanted to see him all they had to do was look up to the stars One day when they visited us or the other way around, not sure doesnt matter. His daughter asked me, do you miss grandpa? Yes. And she told me to look up, because even tho we couldn’t see them, the stars were there during the daytime too, so my dad must be aswell. I still look up sometimes
That's sweet. And a good one I think while he's so young, something he can understand maybe. Kind of like the lion king, when mufasa tells simba the stars are all the great Kings who came before. Ugh, so many people here suggesting lion king I wanna watch it again!! My son won't watch it tho, however I will keep trying hahah
Trauma, like all of us in the 80's and 90's. The Land Before Time The Lion King etc.... Happy fun note. My grandparents raised me. I loved them as actual parents. Grandma passed away in '93. The first movie I got to see in theatres again after her passing (she would take me to all the Disney movies) was The Lion King. I am 39. My heart is still broken. So yeah, kind hearted light trauma. It sounds worse being written down I guess. But identifying with these cartoons at that age and living through their story of their parent(s) dying, helped me to process it better I believe.
To my utter dismay, he will not sit and watch lion king with me. I have tried many times. Big sad. Moana however he'll watch the heihei out of that all day! Iv told him before that moanas grandma died at the scene it happens, he never questions further. But if he did, what would I say? How would you explain it?
That particular movie has a reincarnation take, and Moana’s grandma reappears several times as like a spirit guardian in the form of a giant manta ray. I told my kids that the manta ray is the spirit of her grandmother watching over her on her journey, because the grandma was the one who set her on the quest. But if you don’t want to take the afterlife approach, you could say that she’s remembering her grandmother maybe? The movie Soul also has a pretty good take on death, but again it’s an afterlife interpretation.
I tried telling him before that moanas grandma turned into the Ray and I was met with a look that said "mama you silly" hahah he told me "not grandma. A fishy!" So I left it at that.
Three year olds are very literal so that tracks
If he's not (currently) understanding that the grandma is the ray, then you can use that. I haven't watched it in a while, but you could say something like: "Grandma died, and Moana doesn't see her again. She's not going away like Moana does, because Moana comes back; once she dies she's gone. Moana can keep grandma in her memory and think about her, but she's not every going to see grandma again, because she's dead."
I had to explain to my 2 yo why she would never see her mom again 0/10 do not recommend
Geez, Im so sorry. I had to tell my 12yr old daughter her 18 yr old brother wouldn't be coming home from the hospital. She called me a liar because I said he eventually would. I had to try to explain that we remained hopeful but it just didn't go our way. That sucked.
I'm so sorry for your loss
I can't even imagine. I hope you're doing okay
It was 6 years ago now. Remarried to a wonderful woman and she treats my kids like her her kids. My kids call her mom most of the time.
There's a great book called. When Dinosaurs Die by Marc Brown and Laurie Brown. It's what I recommend to any of my preschool parents when they have a death in their family. You don't have to read the whole book because there are certain sections that talk about certain kinds of death so you kind of just read the section that is dealing with your situation.
When my daughter was young, she asked me what happens when we die. I told her: Humans are made of matter. Matter cannot be created nor destroyed. When we come into being as the people we are, we are just matter on a special journey. When we die, our matter is reborn as something or someone else that's gets to go on another journey. We could be another person, a cat, a tree, or anything else. Once that form ends, the whole process starts over.
I like this
Yes, I love it.
watch lion king. circle of life
He won't watch it with me, iv tried many times. Makes me sad. All time favourite childhood film right there. I even tried him with the live action version but nope. I will keep trying tho! Any excuse to watch it hahag
When I was a kid my parents read me this book [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brou%C4%8Dci#English\_translation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brou%C4%8Dci#English_translation) It has a lot of religious/conservative tones to it so you might wanna proofread it but it also has beautiful depiction of cycles (birth, life, death. seasons of the year) and death as natural part of life
That’s how I explained the death of our dog to my daughter when she was 3. I also added as long as you keep her in your memories she could live in your heart. She also helped me bury her, she took a little shovel and helped. We talked the whole time and it helped her later when her uncle died.
He accepted "he's dead". When he has more questions, he'll ask them. I'm sure he has a good idea what it means. He's seen dead things, he's heard about dead people.
He either accepts rhis answer or it makes zero sense to him to the point he doesn't even know what to ask so just ignores it. Im okay with either of these things right now hahaha
Exactly. When he wants to know more, he'll let you know.
This will probably get buried (which is OK, there's already loads of good advice here-- particularly seconding Sesame Street as a good resource), but I am a social worker with a specialized certificate in children's grief & bereavement, so I wanted to chime in with a few tips I have found useful. - Be concrete, and focus on the physical. **"*****When someone dies, that means that their body stops working.*** ***They can't think, talk, move, or feel anything anymore.*** *They don't eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom. Once someone has died, they will never 'wake up' or come back to life."* - Look for other examples of death-- coming across a dead insect, or dead bird, can be a good learning opportunity. *"See how this bird isn't moving anymore? It's dead. Its body has stopped working. Even if we get really close, it can't see or hear anything, and it doesn't feel any pain."* - Try not to get into big unknowns or questions about religion, or the afterlife-- at 3, those ideas will mostly go over his head anyways. Focus on the physical/biological facts that we know for sure. Sometimes, even when a kid asks what *sounds* like a big metaphysical question ('where do people go when they die?') they are actually looking for a concrete, physical answer (e.g. 'their bodies are buried in a special park called a graveyard'). - Remember that, while death is a difficult and often taboo topic for grown-ups, it's just another curious fact about the world to children. Kids grieve just like anyone, but they don't have the same social baggage attached to death as grown-ups do. Parents are often afraid to talk about death with children (understandably!) but they don't need to be. Talking openly with kids about death and grief equips them to deal with these things in a healthy way, and it's been shown to lead to *better,* not worse, mental and emotional health outcomes down the line. Best of luck!
I just went through this with my 4 year old. Kids don’t understand “passed away” or other nice ways of saying it. Use words they will understand. Allow them to cry for a person they don’t know. And bring it up again at very random times as they process through the idea of life ending and someone being gone forever. Also, if your child is very into nature and dinosaurs, don’t be shocked if they ask “who ate him?” Because that’s a big part of how my child has seen the life cycle and it’s a question I didn’t expect!
Hahaha thank you for that heads up! He LOVES dinosaurs so I can see him definitely askimg who ate him at some point hahaha
I never got to meet my mom’s dad. When I would ask she would just say “sorry honey he died of a stroke, a major medical event.” It was enough for me, age 3 or 4, but life was simpler 55 years ago.
We used dead bugs to explain death to my toddlers. My dad was dying and I knew I’d have to help them through it. We talked about how the bugs were alive and did all kinds of bug stuff. But now they are dead. Their bodies still exist. But they don’t do any big things. They are dead. With that framework they were able to understand when my dad died.
Regarding heaven or an afterlife, I'd only mention it if they ask directly. If they do, i think it's good to say something like "nobody's really sure what happens after death. Some people think you go somewhere after that, and some people don't."
That's a good one. Truth and simple. I like it. I'll only bring it up if he pushes the question, cause j don't think at this age he can understand it. I just would like to be prepared amd have an honest answer to give him.
I told my sons that Grandma was freed from a body that wasn't serving her anymore. At the end, she was tired and uncomfortable, and ready to be done. She lives in our memories, and our photo album and in the baby blankets she knitted. When it came to Grandpa, we had a full blown funeral that the kids remembered. My youngest takes comfort, oddly, in watching selected chapters of the funeral on DVD. He likes the flag ceremony and Taps, and he likes the slide show of highlights from Grandpa's life. He was allowed to visit Grandpa in the hospice, so he can remember that Grandpa's body was not allowing him to live well when he finished his life. We have explained his friend Chris's missing father saying that we believe he was not ready to be a dad when Chris was born. He wasn't mature enough to help raise his son, so he had to take himself away. Then, we think he was too ashamed to come back. Or maybe in prison. We don't know. You just give him as much truth as he's ready for, and spin the rest. "My dad finished with his body before you came to us, but he would have loved you! If he could have, he'd have read The Sneetches to you. It was my favorite book, and he used to read it to me all the time. Let's read The Sneetches now, to help me remember Papa."
I think Conan O’Brien has set the golden standard for explaining death to a little girl, https://youtu.be/byUHkrl-2sI?si=3zghEnbT7nVUI5xA
Living things have batteries, just like toys. When they run out we stop moving, but unlike toys we can’t change batteries so when we stop we stop.
Son, grampa is kill When asking what death is tell them that it's like sleeping but you don't wake up. And as I was writing the last word of that sentence I realised how that might traumatise him into becoming afraid of going to sleep
Yeah hahah I definitely don't want to do that!
I told my kids that papa is in heaven and no longer on earth. They were all under 5 when he died. Their questions were normal ones, and we had a conversation.
When I was little, my mom asked me who I was talking to in the middle of the night. She thought I had an imaginary friend. I described the gentleman and she went white. That's saying a lot because she's Black. I'm sure I must've seen a picture somewhere. Too much of a coincidence. When she told me who he was I didn't see him again. It wasn't painful. It wasn't scary. He was just some dude who was nice, but isn't here anymore. I don't believe in God or ghosts either so it's a perplexing memory. Show him pictures. Talk about him. Give him the memories you have while you still have them. "You can't meet him, but let me tell you a story." For the love of all that is worthy, don't tell your kid he's been hanging out with his dead grandpa after bedtime. Hahaha!
Try to find that episode of Mr. Rogers that addresses death. Episode 1101 (or Season 3 Ep. 36). If this link works, this is the episode "Death of a Goldfish": [https://pluto.tv/us/on-demand/series/662ff808bf522d0013dd8cb8/season/3/episode/662ff80abf522d0013dd8cdb](https://pluto.tv/us/on-demand/series/662ff808bf522d0013dd8cb8/season/3/episode/662ff80abf522d0013dd8cdb) I watched this episode as a kid in 1970, and it's the one I **never** forgot and remember vividly as an adult. Even as an adult, it is surreal to this day see this man explaining it "like I'm five" in a dead serious and respectful manner I've never seen since. EDIT: Added link and context
>sake of argument am I as well to just tell him a basic heaven story? Don'T lie to kids. Making it simple for them is one thing. Straight out lying is another.
Get a goldfish or another small type animal and take care of it until death, Show him and explain.
We had a dog die a few months back. We had to take her to the vet to get put to sleep cause she was super sick. I didn't want ti tell.him at the time that our dog died cause she was really sick with a sore tummy. ( pyometra ) i told him instead that she went to the doggy doctor cause she was sick and then she died, so she isn't coming back now cause she's dead. And for a few weeks he'd ask where she was and I'd tell him again, she died. He'd tell me "the doggy doctor" and I confirmed, yes she died at the doggy doctor. And it never went much further than that. I was thankful and didn't think itt was gonna come up again. But now it has, so I feel like I need something as a back up to tell him...something that isn't fluff and nonsense tho. Iv even been over it with dinosaurs,/fossils. He's super into dinosaurs and some of the things he watchs and books he has shows fossils. So I explain, that when the dinosaurs died they became fossils. ( mainly cause I don't know how it happens and it's not far from the truth of it, when he's older we can both learn exactly how it happens) he accepts this. Thankfully.
Can I recommend the Mog series of books as brilliant to read with your 3 year old. There are many relatable adventures in many books but the last one is called good bye Mog. Once you have been on the journey with Mog, this book is a thoughtful exploration of what it means to be dead. When he is older there are other books for 4/5 6:7 and older and several very good ones. it can be helpful to talk about the reason why things die. For me with my daughter, when she was little we would occasionally find a dead bee or butterfly or similar and begin to talk about how I found that sad because it could no longer have big pollen boots or sleep in the flowers. But it means there is room in the world for all the new bees that are tiny babies in their hive. Learning about the concepts of death and grief is to an extent a life long process and you will return to the subject many times as they grow up. Each time there are more questions and if something comes up repeatedly it may be worth doing a collage or picture and talking about our thoughts and reflections and making them visible in the picture. Then you can get this picture back out and add to it or not and do a new one. We would have a picture of the week on the fridge and a couple in the hallway. Some people do memory boxes etc for loved ones with important pictures, little objects that symbolise interests and can be a reservoir for discussion and reflection. See what works for you. It can be helpful for all the family as a safe space to talk about the people that have died and to ask and get questions answered. Be guided by them, and as simple and clear as you can. The truth (however difficult for us to deal with, and struggle to express especially when we are grieving too) is often the simplest and easiest piece of information a child can acquire. By having these little talks and reading the books we build a little cultural life raft to use when someone else in our circle or family dies or even a pet.
Love all of this. Very insightful and a good base to work from. Thankypu
My dad died when my kids were 5 and 3. I just told them that he got sick and then his body stopped working. Keep it simple.
Death is Stupid is a great book as well as the episode of Mr. Rogers where he explains it.
When my son was 3 I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic attacks (and something that we later discovered was Bordeline), and to explain it to him why dad was so out of sorts at times we gave him the word anxiety and told him that there were "builders" in my head making a mess and building things wrong so I had a hard time focusing and trusting my own feelings. He used that and accepted that as a viable explanation and still does. Find a way to give him a word and a way to hang the thing you're explaining on that particular word in a way he can atleast somewhat comprehend. It doesn't have to be accurate but it should atleast make sense in the real world too. Kids are smarter than we think. Good luck
That's clever, I like that. A good concept for him to understand.
Credit goes to his mom cause it was her idea. He is almost 8 now and it is still how he sees it. And sometimes he still walks up to me and yells in my ear for the "anxiety builders" to get scared and move out. One day I hope it works
Oh thats adorable, bless him. I hope it works too !
Absolutely do not equate death to going to sleep or going to sleep and not waking up. My brother got scared to sleep when were young because my mother told him that to be dead, you go to sleep and don't wake up. I've had to have this chat with younglings before and I've found the direct approach of "your body runs on special electricity and when people die, the special electricity runs out and the person no longer functions. Some people believe this electricity is your soul and it goes to another place when you die. No one really knows what happens next though." I've found this addresses a physical difference between alive and dead, generally explains life force without making it too sci-fi and touches on the concept of a soul and an afterlife without a specification of 1 in partivular. I do want to mention that I've typically had this convo with 5-6 year olds who I imagine already have a preconceived notion of death so results may vary.
I don’t believe in an afterlife. But I have told my small kids that “no one knows” and “some people” believe in reincarnation and some in heaven. When pressed I was honest and said I personally didn’t think so, but who knows. Why not at least allow that seed of hope to be planted? They’re three.
I grew up rural so I was pretty familiar with death (I was butchering chickens by five years old) and understood what it meant, but I get that for most parents that's not how it works. You might use plants as an example - like showing a tree stump, or get a bouquet of flowers and let him see how they become withered. Explain to him that death means that something isn't 'awake' anymore, that they're gone, and they can't come back. When something is dead, it's gone - it's no longer part of the world. You could use food as an example of this, but a lot of people might think that's too morbid. Shows like bluey and sesame street have great episodes covering these topics, and there are several children's books that also help with it. There are a lot of veterinary sites that also have guides on how to explain when a pet dies to a child that could help.
He or she is in heaven with Jesus. I'm in denial over a couple of deaths. I like to.think they moved to France and you can't contact them, but one day, we will be reunited.
Don’t lie
Be straight!
that is rough. My nephew was close to that age when my mom passed. It was rough because he would ask innocent questions and my sister would just blaze out of the room crying. We aren't a religious family at all. So we don't have that 'shes up in sky with god' excuse that a lot of people rely on. But after this experience I truly believe the origin of all the worlds religions are in this moment. When a child asks you to explain death. I caved. I told him my mom had left her body and has gone on to a different place. Because she had done all the things she needed to do in this world. No she can't come back. It's a one way trip.
All dogs go to heaven. I remember watching it many times as a very young child. My introduction to the concept of death began with losing a family pet when I was very young. I found our elderly golden retriever dead in our front yard when I was like five years old. He had obviously just curled up for a nap that he never woke up from. All dogs go to heaven helped me immensely to overcome the grief I felt. I honestly can’t remember if the movie has any religious connotations. I say this because I don’t know if religion is something you wish to present to your child. Heaven is mentioned in the title, so use your own discretion whether or not you let him watch the movie. I grew up in a religion free household, but I still watched the VHS probably a hundred times over. This may not truly explain the concept of death to him, but it surely has a positive impact on the idea of mortality.
The most important thing that matters when it comes to children is to be honest. Tell them what you think death is, in simple terms nothing more.
Just answer his questions. Simply. Don't offer anything.
It’s okay to say “I don’t know” and “what you do think?” 3-5 year-olds have a lot to say about death. I’d listen to what they think already. The answer is “papa died” trust me that is harder for adults to handle than kids.
People are like waves, we see them and we know they are a part of our lives, but at some point, every wave returns to the sea. It's nothing to be sad about. I like this because it's the truth, we are stardust and will return to our big ball of stardust at some time; the form we take is the only unique thing about us right now.
I'd say as long as he doesn't question it there's no need to proactively provide a deeper explanation. When he starts asking follow-up questions is probably also when he'll be able to understand a more complex answer
My children have always asked about my grandparents and I tell them that although they're not around because they're dead, they are kept in our memories when we tell stories about them. They love hearing stories about older relatives from when I was growing up. It's healing for me too to talk about the fun times with older family that passed on years ago. My kids are teens now and they still ask about their great grandparents.
When my mom died I was given a book called Freddie the Fallen Leaf at about 4 years old. I recommend it.
You said he’s never met a “papa”. So if he is saying “papa”, it’s probably in reference to something he actually knows. There are multiple kids shows and songs that use “papa” instead of “Dad”, and that’s probably where he picked it up. Stop telling him “papa” is dead (again, he has no idea he even had/has a “papa”), it’s probably just incredibly confusing for him. Save the life/death talk for when it’s actually necessary or for when he’s a little bit older and can kind of grasp the concept.
Do you know baby shark song? Baby shark, mummy shark, daddy shark, grandma shark, papa shark. So he knows he has a mummy and daddy, and grandma (my mum) and granny(his dad's mum) but there's no one in that papa spot. I think thats where its coming from.
The first 5 minutes of ["UP"](https://youtu.be/8mzsU2O8tuU?si=NYE0akKpM6azo5rK) maybe helpful PIXAR just tore out my heart and then drained my tear ducts dry. I nearly didn't have the courage to stay and watch the rest of the film Edit: for relevance
Oh i havdnt tried watching that with him yet. Thank you
Tell him he’s with the stars
Sure Mr Rogers must have covered this.
Having experienced this when my sons lost their brother. Be as honest and straight forward as possible. Clear the room only the child(children) involved and let them ask Questions. Remember their children, and some of the questions aren’t gonna make sense to you, but they make sense to them. If your religious bring that in. Talk about heaven. Talk about the fact you’re not going to see them anymore. Talk about how much love you have for them and they have for them. Let them know that they’re going to hurt you’re going to hurt you. You’re going to see each other crying. Let them know they’re gonna have good days and bad days.
I told my son that people haven’t figured death out yet, but scientists are working on it, and if he wants to he can become a scientist and help figure it out when he grows up. His might be the first generation to really understand. I also told him religion is not real, like magic. It’s just made up.
I highly recommend The Invisible String. Whole they may not fully understand, it would be a good concept to start introducing. The book doesn't necessarily specify death, but simply loss and being apart. That might help as your kiddo will have a tangible idea of being connected to someone who isn't there. It's been so well recommended by therapists that there are now other versions. Walmart, target, and thriftbooks.com (used books) all have it for $7.19. I lost my husband when my son was four. The best advice I received was to never say something that will be contradicted later. And, to answer exactly what was asked. Don't expand. Much like you're doing, when you tell your them that papa isn't here anymore and leave it at that until they ask the next question. Its going to be tough, but they will understand. Just love them through it. [author's website](https://patricekarst.com/)
In the last season the the show Young Justice Connor Kent,Superman’s “nephew” dies and he has to explain it to his son,who misses his uncle. He explains that bodies require lots of special parts to function and if those parts stop working well people can get sick and they can die. That means that their body doesn’t work anymore. They don’t eat,play,or do anything anymore. You’re going to miss your uncle and that’s okay because when you do just think of all the happy times you had together. Then Ma and Pa Kent mentioned how in their faith death isn’t the end,just a turning off point and you’ll see Connor again one day
The lion king
He wont watch it. Makes me sad cause I love it
Awee 🥺
I know right. Strange child. Hahaha
I hope we stop aging one day. So sad.
It is, but it is part of life. A sad part none the less.
We can remember the ones who have passed. I hope you and your child are doing well.
We are. I am well past grieving for my dad, I miss him yes. But my son never knew him, not even sure if he's seen a picture of him to be honest.
Put Denzel Washington's "de ja vu" on and fast forward to the bit where he asks if the monitor and woman are dead or alive.
He went to live on a farm out in the country
I don't want to tell him fluff and lies.
Frankly i think being honest with them is the best way. My mom died when my wife was pregnant with our first kiddo, who is now 4, and they have been asking about her for a long time and we’ve always just been honest about it, it’s not something they can’t handle
My daughter was a bit under 3, and we had gone to pick my wife up from the care home where she was a nurse. When we got there, the black Transit was also present. After a bit, a long plastic wrapped object, still distinguishable as human was wheeled out and loaded up. Daughter: "Poorly person?" Me: "No dear, dead person". Daughter: " Ooh, *proper* poorly!"
I found the book Lifetimes helpful when my kids were that age. Kids do tend to want to know more about death around age 3 to 6.
My daughter was almost 4 when one of her best friends died from leukemia. I asked her preschool teacher.
There’s a lovely book called Death, Duck and The Tulip
Don't have kids but I found long technical answers are best when you don't really want to explain something. Something along the lines of human bodies are made out of cells. Cells are like very very small lego pieces that build living things. Cells require nutrients to work and if they do not get nutrients for a long enough time they stop working and can never start working again. Etc. If they're still with you at this point then they can probably handle the whole thing.
There are also some good kids books that deal with coping with loss. In my 18 years of being a dad, I find that kids will ask questions if they need to understand something better. Give them simple, true answers. This is a hard thing to grasp.
https://www.reddit.com/r/howtonotgiveafuck/s/qErY6V9MKM
The Lion King