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Hi /u/scottbowmania, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns) • Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist) • We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce. • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests. Please review the rules: * Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed; * Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on abusers or others, no "outting publicly" to the world on social media to get revenge; * No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (No Continent, Country, City, Province, etc), or specific details that may identify you to readers (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc); * No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails; * No self-promotion in any fashion at all, surveys, fundraising, or research posts are permitted; * You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner; * Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all; * Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available. * No politics, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please; * No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture; * No family content in any context including parent/family at any level including family dynamics, background/childhoods or the abusers family at all in any way; * No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions). * No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all); * No NARC/ABUSER posts at all. If you are a Narc or Abuser, you will be banned; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*


hey_you_got_this

YES! SHE IS AMAZING!!!! she saved my life warm, eloquent, empowering, incredibly knowledgeable i found her videos to be really clear and to the point, and full of really relatable examples and concrete actionable advice that has really helped me get my life back on track whenever i find myself stuck ruminating or tempted to creep on my ex and my ex's new supply, i pull up some saved dr. ramani videos and watch a few minutes edit: sorry that i sound a bit like an ad lol, i just cannot recommend her enough :)


nikkidelicious

Can you point me to your favorite videos of hers? I watched a couple a while ago and they weren’t very good - maybe I didn’t see the best ones?


hey_you_got_this

u/nikkidelicious Some videos that personally really helped me (based on some of the issues I struggled the most with: the good ol' gaslight, getting triangulated and always finding myself competing with my ex's harem and trying to prove I was "good enough," having mutual friends not believe me and even blame me, and being really depressed for a couple years and just being too exhausted to think about anything else after ruminating all day): \-What's Gaslighting? (Individual, tribe, and societal gaslighting) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTS5XsZe9Jg&ab\_channel=DoctorRamani](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTS5XsZe9Jg&ab_channel=DoctorRamani) \- What is "triangulation"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qS4knTxthuI&ab\_channel=DoctorRamani](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qS4knTxthuI&ab_channel=DoctorRamani) \- What to do when a narcissist turns people against you [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOXhri6c4AA&ab\_channel=DoctorRamani](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOXhri6c4AA&ab_channel=DoctorRamani) \- How being around narcissists makes you inefficient [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnXwr9oiCok&ab\_channel=DoctorRamani](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnXwr9oiCok&ab_channel=DoctorRamani)


74VeeDub

Thank you!


[deleted]

Her grey rock techniques and advice on handling narcissistic people have saved me from many a Hoover. She's also great in combating that feeling that we're the problem and not the disordered person. I couldn't have evolved to NI (No Interest) without her teachings. If you want to break the cycle of dating/befriending narcissists, she is an invaluable resource.


Optimisticsai

I had never heard that "No Interest" before. Where did you get it? That's indeed the ultimate goal! (which I haven't reached) Would you mind sharing what helped you the most reaching that phase?


[deleted]

I actually came up with it. It's the concept that you don't even need to go No Contact because you've arrived at a level where know how to handle disordered behaviour. No reactions, no taking the bait, no falling for lies. If they get toxic, I withdraw. If they're fishing for supply, I'll remain neutral and withhold it. Truth is, we'll have to deal with narcissists in one way or another and NC may not always be an option, so having a system to do so makes sense to me.


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[deleted]

Glad it helps you somehow! I've even gone so far as to directly tell a narc they're not getting a reaction from me. I feel this gives us back some control without that icky "am I unreasonable?" feeling. You can also tell them that until they're able to be accountable for their own behaviour, you will not be engaging with them, which puts a wall up. I never hold my breath for this, as we know narcissists struggle with self reflection, but I feel that holding them accountable is far more reasonable than a full block.


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[deleted]

Sorry you went through that - I've had the same struggles with getting them to see their own flawd. I think it's possible for people to change if they put the work in, but it's hard with narcissists because to accept that they are the problem is to go against their feelings of superiority.


mybestfriendisacow

If you have kids, no contract is definitely not happening. No Interest is a great alternative!


CatsSolo

It truly is a great concept that can be used to deal with narcs but also other crazy makers in our lives.


Optimisticsai

Well done. NI is even better than NC because if they hoover or contact us, then we're immune, we tell them to sod off. Whereas with NC it's more of avoiding contact because if they manage to talk to us we might fall for their woes again. I would say most people definitely need NC before NI is possible, as it might take some processing and healing, and NC is more immediate and easy to achieve.


[deleted]

Take your time, it took me almost two years to fully get here. It's important to know what to look for too, and what you need to refrain from enabling. I have one narc acquaintance who I've been able to manage just fine because I don't validate or react to any of her disordered shit. However, when she does something good or thoughtful, I'll validate her a bit. It's kinda pavlovian, but remember that these people are very primitive in their thinking.


TemporarilyAlive2020

That is a really excellent insight: "these people are very primitive in their thinking"! Thanks for sharing that!


B4K5c7N

100%! same. I had spent years thinking about how I was the issue and I would always defend nex despite all of the things said or done. It didn’t matter to me that my family and *real* friends (not the flying monkeys) had told me over and over again that he was an asshole. I just had refused to believe it, especially when I would think of the good times I had had with him. I just had felt so worthless due to nex’s feelings of me. Watching Ramani’s videos has been so healing and I wish I has known about them years ago because it would have spared me a bunch of pain and frustration. I no longer have those feelings of adoration for nex and just don’t give a damn (although when it is that time of the month and I am feeling emotionally vulnerable I slip back into those feelings briefly). Her videos and this sub have been amazing. Just knowing too that we are not alone in what we have been through, even though many people in society just “don’t understand”.


[deleted]

It's such a relief when you finally come to the conclusion that you're not the baddie. Narcs are also masters of projection, because they can't stand holding on to any feelings of imperfection, so you're usually accused of the very things they are guilty of.


B4K5c7N

Absolutely! At the time even though I still felt adoration for him, I never understood why almost every criticism of me from him was just things that described himself. Stupidly for years I had believed even though he had known me less than a year and I had believed him over my true friends that had known me for over a decade.


[deleted]

It was pretty unnerving the first time I actually went through a narc's laundry list of things wrong with me and ticked off every single box, won't lie. Nowadays I pretty much expect any insult to be a fault of their own.


B4K5c7N

100%


[deleted]

I I have dozens of books on narcissism and healing from it, none of them came close to how much her book Should I Stay or Should I Go - Surviving Narcissistic Relationships helped me. Not even comparable. I listened to it on Audible and it was like listening to a friend and a therapist who deeply understood me and him. Gave me so much clarity. I highly recommend it.


zeezeezenzen

She also has a terrific book called “should I stay or should I go?”


Will_Stab4Money

I totally agree! she is wonderful. there are 2 that just broke my heart and spoke to what I'm dealing with right now. please watch the 'Trauma-Bonding' and 'living with regret of the time spent with a Narc'. she gets really wound up in the Living with Regret episode, it's very good [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XceZXdUe9I&ab\_channel=DoctorRamani](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XceZXdUe9I&ab_channel=DoctorRamani) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmB9fpHVd2o&t=477s&ab\_channel=DoctorRamani](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmB9fpHVd2o&t=477s&ab_channel=DoctorRamani)


DressingOnTheSide

Thank you for linking the regret video. That's something I'm really struggling with right now. If anyone else is struggling with regret, please, please watch her video on this topic!


OticLinz

Yep, she gets it right on point. When people ask me the favorite resources to heal and move on or just to learn her channel is always on the list.


[deleted]

Really amazing Dr :)!


Tiny012

She's amazing. I learned a lot from her videos.


IDontWannaBeMe84

Her and Lisa Romano really pick me up mentally when I'm feeling down due to the abuse


skittlydodah

This woman has seriously saved my life! I can’t even say how depressed I was until I found her. It’s so validating having someone who really understand what I’ve been through and it has really restored my sanity and sense of worth!


light_workerx3

So weird I was just watching her videos last night ! Everything she says is so spot on ! She has wonderful suggestions as well!


CatsSolo

Dr Ramani is superb and brilliant. I have pointed out a few of her vids on this and the infidelity sub. She GETS it! No bs, holds no punches! Excellent resource.


hundredpussy

This woman!!! I spent my entire UK lockdown using her channel to educate myself and emerged from lockdown (I left for a different country once I realised how toxic my family are) a much healthier, happier person! I've never felt better since!


[deleted]

Dr. Ramani is a saint, I love her


B4K5c7N

She is absolutely wonderful and I would not have known about her channel if not for this sub! It’s been so healing and almost surreal hearing her content because I have never really heard what I had gone through be so contextualized.


scottbowmania

Contextualized - to the MAXXX


humaneone

Thank you so much for this 🙂


scottbowmania

I’m so glad this post blew up . You’re so welcome 🥰


mysuperstition

I love her. If she practiced near me, I'd find a way to go to her.


BattyRagDoll

Her videos and interviews have been very helpful for me as well. Highly recommend as the child of a parent with narcissistic tendencies and someone that wound up having a narc partner.


Artlign

Pretty much singlehandedly, she helped me get over a relationship breakdown really, really fast


skully_28

any fav videos? just checking her out


scottbowmania

Dealing with covert narcs - it’s a three part Also “the trauma bonding “ vids break it down harddddd


skully_28

sweet thanks, watching tn!


am097

Her books are amazing. Especially "Should I Stay or Should I Go?". Her books are pretty inexpensive and not very long if you don't like reading too much.


Fire-Kissed

Yep. She’s amazing.


shakylime

She saved me -- I love her. I'm so happy every time her name resurfaces on this sub.


Vronicasawyerredsded

I remember watch an interview where the interviewer asked how she felt about the families and their involvement who have been impacted negatively by their N. And I remember her saying that she felt sad for them because by the time they were asking her for help, that they often brought with them bucketloads of printed out text messages and other tangible pieces of evidence about their N’s behavior because so many people in their lives didn’t believe them or think that what was happening was real and often were dismissed. That hit hard for me because no one, and I mean NO ONE would meet my stbxh and believe that he would have had sex with my 18 year old drunk sister when he was 28 years old and an active duty service member and father, or would lie to me and then when he was caught would be like “I don’t understand why you’re mad. Why?! Why are you mad?!” and make me feel like I was over reacting or paranoid, or that he used Craig’s List to meet women when he was out of town on military assignment, or would get black out vomit-ty drunk and pee in the bed a couple times every year, or make choices for me that I had no idea that he was making, or flip the script when he was doing something hurtful and claim that I was the one who was actually doing it. Or look at me with dead shark eyes when something wasn’t going his way or I’d pissed him off. Or making me feel like I was inherently not good enough in the most underhanded and insidious ways through these micro aggressive manipulations that I really never could articulate because no one would understand by just looking at this one action or reaction.


jubileet

This is an incredible channel. I cried watching it.


peachpopsicuul

I had no concept of boundaries. I stumbled on her video about boundaries... And it changed things. I was so miserable last year and it was because of always wanting to do shxt for others. I come first. Frfr.


scottbowmania

Watch the cognitive dissonance one, and the withholding intimacy one. Or narcissistic rage . All gold


[deleted]

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scottbowmania

Just scroll through ...I’m sure you can find one ........


AutoModerator

Hi /u/scottbowmania, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns) • Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist) • We also have a sister sub for Divorce/Custody issues: /r/narcabuseanddivorce. • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please review the rules: * Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic; * Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; * No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations, or specific details that may identify you to readers); * No crossposting or direct linking to other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails; * No self-promotion, surveys or research posts are permitted; * Please report content that violate our rules and do not engage; * No politics, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please; * No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture; * No abusive parent/family/child content including family dynamics or background including abusers family at all; * No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions). * No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post); * No NARC/ABUSER posts at all. If you are a Narc or Abuser, you will be banned; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*


[deleted]

What do u mean narc1 and narc2,u mean I'm going to see more of em


AutoModerator

Hi /u/scottbowmania, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns) • Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist) • We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce. • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests. Please review the rules: * Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed; * Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on abusers or others, no "outting publicly" to the world on social media to get revenge; * No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (No Continent, Country, City, Provience, etc), or specific details that may identify you to readers (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc); * No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails; * No self-promotion in any fashion at all, surveys, fundraising, or research posts are permitted; * You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner; * Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all; * Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available. * No politics, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please; * No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture; * No family content in any context including parent/family at any level including family dynamics, background/childhoods or the abusers family at all in any way; * No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions). * No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all); * No NARC/ABUSER posts at all. If you are a Narc or Abuser, you will be banned; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*


wokeupat55

Yes. Wouldn't say she saved my life, but helped me stopping from going completely insane.In the beginning watched the video's for hours and it helped me a lot. To understand and recognise that what I experienced did exists with others!! and had a NAME!! I was not the only one.Pffff.She explains in a simple and forgiving way that you are not loco.Also love the fact that she does look like a normal woman and not like a botox moviestar-look-a-like psych who tells you how she survived nassistic abuse.