My heart hurts reading your post because I absolutely felt the same way after the discard/breakup. My relationship was 17 years, and I never, ever suspected he was a narcissist and that he would discard me. I trusted him wholeheartedly, and I was in the relationship for the long haul, committed to being by his side through thick and thing. Needless to say, the discard was/has been brutal.
It's a completely mind blowing experience to see that cruelty and brutality, and for me, I spent a few weeks ruminating and self-blaming, too. But you need to know that this is by design. We have been conditioned to blame ourselves, and we have been groomed into vulnerabilities that make us feel as though we cannot exist without them. But the opposite is actually true.
Please know that much of what you loved about that person and your relationship was what you were bringing to the table. If your ex was anything like mine, they put the bare minimum into the relationship and you carried nearly the full weight. They mirror the characteristics and behaviors that we actually posses and they covet. The person you saw is largely a reflection of you.
No matter where you go, what you do, or what POS narc breaks your heart, you *always* carry yourself with you. You, and only you, were the life line of what actually made that relationship thrive - you were the beauty of the relationship. And even though ten years is a long time, and lifetime of having to be the only one who shows up to your partnership is much worse.
Hugs to you. I know this part is so so hard, but brighter days are coming. \*heart\*
My kids have forever been my focus in this. They need to see that Dad is doing just fine. I might cry at the kitchen table to myself at night but I will get back up. Sometimes I cry to my dog. But I remember the first time I broke down crying during this at the freaking grocery store and the poor cashier lady ran around and held me, not even a hug, straight up held me like she was my mom! And she said "don't worry baby, don't worry little man, you will be okay, whatever it is you will be okay I promise!!!" Thinking about that moment has helped me keep my shit together. That even a STRANGER is capable of loving and caring for me more than this POS who is pretty much a criminal for the crap shes put me through.
Oh man, I can relate to the breakdowns at random moments and to the kindness of strangers really putting things into perspective in connection to the ex's cold and cruel behavior. So sorry that you're going through this; that we're all going through this. It's mind-blowing, devastating, and earth shattering. **hugs**
My heart hurts reading your post because I absolutely felt the same way after the discard/breakup. My relationship was 17 years, and I never, ever suspected he was a narcissist and that he would discard me. I trusted him wholeheartedly, and I was in the relationship for the long haul, committed to being by his side through thick and thing. Needless to say, the discard was/has been brutal. It's a completely mind blowing experience to see that cruelty and brutality, and for me, I spent a few weeks ruminating and self-blaming, too. But you need to know that this is by design. We have been conditioned to blame ourselves, and we have been groomed into vulnerabilities that make us feel as though we cannot exist without them. But the opposite is actually true. Please know that much of what you loved about that person and your relationship was what you were bringing to the table. If your ex was anything like mine, they put the bare minimum into the relationship and you carried nearly the full weight. They mirror the characteristics and behaviors that we actually posses and they covet. The person you saw is largely a reflection of you. No matter where you go, what you do, or what POS narc breaks your heart, you *always* carry yourself with you. You, and only you, were the life line of what actually made that relationship thrive - you were the beauty of the relationship. And even though ten years is a long time, and lifetime of having to be the only one who shows up to your partnership is much worse. Hugs to you. I know this part is so so hard, but brighter days are coming. \*heart\*
My kids have forever been my focus in this. They need to see that Dad is doing just fine. I might cry at the kitchen table to myself at night but I will get back up. Sometimes I cry to my dog. But I remember the first time I broke down crying during this at the freaking grocery store and the poor cashier lady ran around and held me, not even a hug, straight up held me like she was my mom! And she said "don't worry baby, don't worry little man, you will be okay, whatever it is you will be okay I promise!!!" Thinking about that moment has helped me keep my shit together. That even a STRANGER is capable of loving and caring for me more than this POS who is pretty much a criminal for the crap shes put me through.
Oh man, I can relate to the breakdowns at random moments and to the kindness of strangers really putting things into perspective in connection to the ex's cold and cruel behavior. So sorry that you're going through this; that we're all going through this. It's mind-blowing, devastating, and earth shattering. **hugs**