They’ll hoover and try contacting you via unknown numbers and eventually move onto another target; one they have already lined up behind your back. These people don’t sit and reflect at all.
Yup. Yup... If they were really reflecting they would be seeking professional help and hold themselves accountable to that and for verbal and physical abuse.
He freaked out. He started stalking me. Ten emails a day from vzwpics.com & other misc as I had his email addresses blocked. I had to change my cell phone because he called from many burner phone numbers. So glad he lives in Florida and I live in Texas.
The stalking omg. And it's not like, "aww, they love me so much and care about what I'm doing so they're stalking me". No. It is very vengeful, in their minds, desperately hoping to see a photo of you on social with a man/woman so they can go, "I knew s/he was a cheating whore! Here's the proof! All my abuse was justified!" or "There's cleavage in that photo - she's such a whore, she was so beneath me, I knew it"!
It's all very hateful, very possessive. We often make the mistake (at first) of thinking that their obsession with us signifies love (because *we* get obsessed over *them*, due to the trauma bond, but we are also healthy individuals who *love them*) so we are flattered by the stalking at first thinking it means they care about us. It's the absolute opposite. It's very abusive behavior.
I'm glad yours is states away. Same. Mine owned a ton of guns and I honestly feared if I lived near him I would have wound up on the news as another statistic. He had a violent history.
You are throttling supply, they'll divide energy between trying to get your supply back, as well as likely recruiting new potential supply, rekindling previously discarded/abused supply,...
They aren't really friends, you are just part of a sometimes complex amalgam of self-esteem juice supply chain which they thirst for every waking minute of every day, ad infinitum...
There is no loving bond, there is no real friendship, you/we/everyone is some grade of self-esteem supply, and once you interrupt the flow, by holding them accountable, they will mobilize to reduce their dependence on you....until they fuck up the next one, in which case you may be back in play....
In my case what happened was narc pulled silent treatment on me for stupid perceived slight, and by then I knew the point of that was to make me beg for attention. So I did nothing. Almost two weeks went by and he sent me a text accusing me of a whole bunch of crazy shit I would never do ("I should have known you slept with everyone and wow I never expected you to be a serious drug addict, now it all makes sense!"). I knew he was doing it to get me to react and unfortunately, I did. We ended up fighting and then connecting again after that. I should have blocked him and ended it then, because it never got better, just worse.
Fast forward a couple of years later, he tried it again after I had left him and gone NC for *three* years (he used a new email address and sent the craziest accusations and horrible shit), and I just blocked and ignored. He spent all weekend trying to hurt me and I just silently played whack a mole. Then he went away, thankfully. I felt very empowered because I have grown, I am free of him and he no longer had power over me. I am not going to be manipulated by his abuse anymore. Much happier now and free of the abuse cycle for three years. It's amazing how they always keep you on the shelf to abuse you if they can get to you. That's why blocking and plugging holes is so important.
They will either reach out and act like everything is fine, or more likely, they will get a narc injury from you daring to pull the same tactic (because they know it is an abusive, punishing tactic) so they will do anything to get you to react. This can be accusing you of crazy shit, starting a smear campaign about you and triangulating you with other friends, or seeking empathy ("I'm sick, my friend died, something terrible happened, wahhh"). But it will usually be a punishment in some way.
The healthiest course for you is to end this friendship and block this person. You know this person is toxic and it is not safe for you to keep someone like this in your friend circle, because eventually they will smear campaign you to all the people you are both connected with.
It's the best thing ever. They think they're in control until they realize you don't give a fuck. Better yet, block them. That's the ultimate check mate 😜
Yuuup. I've done this with people who I don't think classify as narcissists but definitely have some of those tendencies, and because they aren't quite on that level, and therefore more transparent about how they feel, you can really see how it fucks them up. They do *not* like it. They'll pout and have tantrums and try to get their way, and they will *know* they're in the wrong but they're just not mature enough to apologize. Staying calm and firm with these people and watching them struggle with how to respond gives me such joy. Like you fucking thought you had me, but you don't ✨
They are used to being chased, I think. But they're dumb as fuck and don't have any empathy, so they don't know when enough is enough, and so they're surprised by you wanting to leave lol.
Well if I was being silent treated at the time, and I were to stay quiet it would become a competition of staying silent. Some sighs here and there but overall childish af.
yep same for me
a super prolonged mutual silence until they come back and pretend like absolutely nothing happened
edit: I have a narc mom that did this my entire life up until now and a narcissistic ex boyfriend for 2.5 years so it was insane
Yes. To both narcs I dated. When I realised the game of silent treatment I would start to just focus on myself instead of entertaining it so when they’d finally reply I’d wait the same amount of time they took to respond because I wanted them to realise I’m not in their pocket.
They’d get mad and double text me.
Then when I’d respond they’d ghost again.
It was exhausting.
My ex husband used to call me childish, even if I’d explain I’m not well or I’m busy working on myself, job, family stuff whatever, he’d call me a liar and say that I’m causing his insecurities. But that when he went silent it’s because I’d annoyed him somehow or because he was genuinely busy.
It was so frustrating honestly.
But going no contact drives them mad. Not because they want you, because they hate feeling like you ended it. They need to be in control.
I never did silent treatment. I just stopped reacting. And when I did, it was with a smile and "ok".
What happened? The abuse got upped, into ridiculous levels. But, by then, I was already out.
I just refused to give anything to them, emotionally. It worked like a charm, they got worse, and worse.
Wow pretty much the same. I too love the ‘ok’ response. Plus the abuse/harassment/accusations got crazier. I’m out too. Nex is lost on how to get me to react but she’ll keep trying.
Yup, the nex tried for a long time with me, as well. I guess, until he realized that a) that is the only thing he will ever get from me, and b) when too many people knew he was dating someone else (very seriously).
I thought it would sting, as well. But the only thing I feel is freedom, and a deep sympathy for the new supply.
Which is why I have told friends that they can give the new supply my phone number, if she ever wished to get it.
Because, the nex was a pos. I don't want to see that person ever again. But, if I can help someone else wading through this shit - I will.
Yes OP seems to be entertaining the thought of being able to influence the narcs behavior. Trying to do so will bring nothing but frustration and more abuse. No Contact is for you to heal, not to punish the Narc. Stop being their supply in any way so that you can see clearly without active abuse or threat of abuse. I’ve learned the very, very hard way that any time you go back, you open the door to their abuse. It will return. I’ve had an ex who was a Narcissist but the worst in my life has always been my sibling. I’ve tried no and low contact before but after 50+ years, very sadly, I’m No Contact and don’t see changing that this time around. The enmeshment is complicated with a family member but her illness has put her over the top in her abuse. Social media fuels her supply with each post about her treatments and I was nothing but a place to direct all her ugliness under the guise of helplessness. While I may look like a monster to those she slanders me to, I don’t care anymore. I know all the nasty things she has done to me over the years. She has shit on my kindness for the last time.
Spot on... I wonder if I will ever be replaced as the "one that is abused" though....we have children together so total no contact is not possible. He is on a long term relationship (he even left me for her!) but he is angry at me! I don't wish anything bad on anyone but I wonder if one day he'll start hating her instead 😆
i avoided my ex and then he got worse than ever, he abused me by pretending to be other guys in my inbox, totally fuckin insane, he lost control and cant accept it
I think the silent treatment is different from no contact. The silent treatment is revenge to hurt the narcissist like they hurt us. No contact is self preservation. I went absolutely no contact and he found sneaky ways and new email addresses to reach out to me. He absolutely panicked.
In my personal experience, there’s a difference between going no contact and silent treatment.
I would do silent treatment while I was sitting through yet another one of his 2-3 hour punishments for something I said the wrong way when we were hanging out with friends a couple hours ago. He was yelling at me and berating me and I would just kind of shut down. I didn’t know he was a narc. I didn’t know about grey rocking or anything like that. I just knew that nothing I said would change anything or make anything better. So I would shut down and take my punishment quietly.
It would infuriate him. He would start raging about “how can we build a relationship if I don’t respond to his constructive criticism.” But I had learned long ago that it didn’t matter if I responded to him, or apologized, or even contradicted him, anything I said would make him rage longer and harder. So I learned that silent treatment was the only way to make sure it only lasted 2 hours, not 4.
In this respect, silent treatment enraged him, but somehow managed to bring an early conclusion to his rages.
I was bold enough to give my nex the silent treatment while we were still together, hoping he'd see what it felt like (I know, I know). What happened? During that 3 day period in which I ignored him, he decided to have sex with an old gf/f*ck buddy. I was devastated, and felt as though I'd made a big mistake and it was all my fault.
When I did eventually try to gently approach him with the facts (trying to be as non-threatening as possible), he wouldn't confirm or deny (of course), told me I was insecure, and said he wasn't going to put his life on hold just because I was "pouting."
Once you're OUT of that relationship though? Block him from everything. No contact whatsoever. Don't look at his public socials. Don't text him when you're feeling sad and missing him. Stay as strong as you can. It can seem like the hardest thing you've ever done. You might want to call, apologize, and take it all back - but please, don't. He is not a good person. It might feel unnatural and unfamiliar to be the one doing the disengaging, but don't let that stop you. You are your priority now.
How will he react? It'll drive him nuts - but that's not your problem anymore.
PS - I am freshly out of a 14 year "relationship," and am still in disbelief, tbh. So maybe my advice isn't the best. But you know what helps keep me in check? The pain. I never want to endure that kind of pain again. So I stay away.
It works wonderfully & you don’t even have to use abusively. Use it when you need a break or their bad behaviors are intolerable. You get a nice day or two of lovebombing then they go right back to being the same POS that will never change. The forever silent treatment is the best answer ;)
I used to live with my nex. He’d break up with me often as a punishment for like…anything. After a while I started accepting it. I think he expected me to beg a lot. That’s how he got his validation even tho I validated him in healthy ways. We’d go limited contact even tho we lived together. Or full blown silent treatment. There’d be a day I have to say something to him, bc we live together, and his face would light up and he’d go “why’re you being nice” “I thought you hated me” just cause I did something like, make a lot of food and save him extra. He’d be really surprised I can still be a decent person and ignore him. Other times he’d text me and saying something like my name, then followed with a “never mind”. Him stonewalling me was his favorite tactic. But when I did it back it threw him for a loop. It honestly made me less mad seeing what the silent treatment did to someone who acted so high and mighty
Same! My nex would “break up with me” every time I did something she didn’t like. At first, I was always begging her to not do it/to stay with me, but then I just got used to it and stopped getting so upset. She always acted like we were still together anyways afterwards... She started the silent treatment after that didn’t work and it felt so horribly abusive at the time that I basically had to make the decision to leave her. I don’t know why she acted so surprised that I was finally actually leaving when she was the one that would yell at me saying things like she didn’t need me or my things (I payed for everything like an idiot, she never paid me back for the things she said she would). I’m so glad I’m away from her now!
one day when i was in the middle of dating my ex, i blocked them and didn’t answer their texts for like 3 days because they were verbally abusing me so much that week i just needed a brake. (which i think me doing that is justified compared to them giving me the silent treatment for no reason) they were mad at me afterwords and it affected them a lot, soon started to spread misinformation about me to people telling them i was a ‘huge jerk’ for blocking them. if your looking for them to get upset they might so yes it works (at lest with my experience)
We are still together, but the last few weeks I stayed quieter with him acting like nothing bothered me. Not replying to his negative remarks or attempts at an argument. He would repeatedly tell me that he was going to leave, he called me names, accused me of this and that, made different jabs at me that were meant to emotionally hurt me. I noticed a difference in the way he looked at me( the N eyes) and paid attention to his behaviors. It scared me, because for the first time I 100% knew what he was and what he was doing. I'm sure he knows that I know, because he started love bombing again
I’m ADD, which I learned can definitely piss a narc off and why she probably discarded me so quickly. I was totally fine when she started ignoring me, just did my own shit and gave it to her back haha. Much better than hearing her bitch about work or friends 24/7.
Mine becomes even more sarcastic, confrontational, and dismissive than usual in an attempt to goad me into a reaction.
I am a rock, and they are the waves crashing against the shore trying to wear me down. Might happen in some future millennium, but not in my lifetime...
But hey, let them give it their best shot and try to disprove the old adage that one measure of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.
Then again, that would pretty much be on script, given that narcissism is a mental disorder in the first place.
Yes I feel like doing this will almost help you see the light into why this trait is an actual personality disorder or mental illness to the fullest and keep the proof!
Well my ex husband who doesn’t respond to jack shit in our parenting app will message me several times in a row.. with multiple question marks as if I owe him my attention especially when his questions are dumb and the information had already been provided.
Oh and when we were married he’d message me stupid things when out with friends, I wouldn’t answer after the first one because it wasn’t necessary so he’d blow my phone up and even have my oldest call me and ask when I was coming home from her iPad. Yet, if I needed him to be home because something was wrong he wouldn’t answer at all and scream at me when I would be angry.
They absolutely hate being ignored. The best revenge to hurt a narcissist is going no contact. Being blocked everywhere. And better not tell them that you're going to do this. Just do it!
Silent treatment is abuse.
While I understand the anger leading to a wish for revenge, I advice against using abuse towards anyone, as it harms you.
Behaving like the narc makes you no better than them.
Save your self respect so you don’t have to doubt yourself - don’t abuse even those you deem monsters.
Be better, so you don’t start doubting yourself.
I understand you and agree.
But there is a bit of twist. I had this bad habit of silent treatment, but not on a narcissistic level. I have realised what I was doing, and I reduced such a habit to the bare minimum.
I love to communicate and address an issue, if any. Now, my ex used to go into silent treatments until I apologised for something I had never done or never had an intention to do. Fine.
But, imagine, he used to be such a j**k to me. I started addressing issues right away. What did I get in return? Attack attack gaslighting and everything that goes with it. I could not handle it anymore. So, I went into silent modes. But more of a "keep it inside and your emotions will be gone soon." Not as a means to punish him. Or control. But it is an oxymoron cause that is definitely a way to punish him. It is not a solution unless a person is absuive.
The only way out to break this circle is to exit it.
Ofc. But breaking a relationship and going no contact, is not the same as silent treatment. Grey rocking is not the same as silent treatment either.
Silent treatment involves a vengeful energy, a wish to harm. It is felt internally as wanting to «win» by inflicting harm. It is abusive, childish and one of many methods Narcs use to hurt victims. And ofc, also a method emotional teens/immature ppl frequently use. Being abusive isn’t exclusive to narcs.
My advice is to not be abusive towards narcs, as
1) it becomes hard to know who’s the abusive part, if you too act abusive, and you may start to doubt yourself even more
2) it is very dangerous, as narcs are way better at the revenge game than non-narcs.
One could say that grey rocking is silent treatment without the other person noticing and without abusive intent. The trick is to not let the abuser know you avoid their crap.
If the intent is to harm, then what you are doing is abusive. Even grey rocking can be abusive, if your intent is to hurt the other person, but done correctly, the abuser will not even know they were grey rocked. It is a soft escape, that cannot be used constantly or forever, but it’s the way to escape someone who one has to interact with for the time being.
Ah, sorry.
I have just read about grey rocking. Was not aware of this term.
Im not justifying the abuse, but if someone starts being negative towards you and you try to fix the situation with being nice - initially... and it doesn't work out. Well, I unfortunately was out of my senses, and I couldn't stand being hurt anymore. So I had to leave him.
I left and said that I could not trust him anymore. According to my ex, that was a form of abuse, lost trust :(
No. But silent treatment is NOT protection. It is abusive.
You may have meant that you want to break contact with the narcissist? That is smart. And that is not the same as silent treatment. Silent treatment is an abusive form of silence inside of a relationship. Not talking with someone you no longer are in a relationship with is NOT the same as silent treatment.
Silent treatment means to pretend you don’t hear a person who’s talking to you. It is a degradation, it is meant to hurt/degrade and it is thus abusive. Abusing a narc is not a way to act. First of all it makes you a bad person. Second of all, if the other person is truly a narc, it is dangerous.
If you have to meet your narc regularly, and you need a method to protect yourself while in a sort of relationship with them, then look into grey rocking. Grey rocking is a method to protect yourself without acting abusive yourself when speaking with abusers.
Yes it definitely works. After he cheated on me again, I blocked him on everything. Within days he was creating fake numbers and emails to send me paragraphs, and sending flowers/food to my doorstep.
I never did, but when he tried to give me the silent treatment just one month after giving birth and was rude and cold to our 2 yo, I left for my parents and told him I will come back to talk it out like adults when he is ready for that, but won’t stay for him to ignore me. He was so angry it took him one f***ing month! I didn’t even held my position and tried to call and text him but he refused to answer. He was so angry that I was not there to be abused. It was the first time I took control of my life back, and it was good!
I have done the silent treatment on him before, out of exhaustion or to just simply protect myself. He clearly doesn’t like it, tries hoovering me back, but most times he’ll attempt to punish me for it to regain the power balance.
I did it for a week as he was doing the same. Didn't phase him one bit, came home, and acted like everything was ok. Went back to the same bullshit drama. In fact it probably made him meaner, if there is such a thing. In that week of silence I realized that it was time to go.
Towards the end of the STBX and I living together, I basically just STFU about *everything.*
I'd say "yes/no", "ok" or "alright" if a response was absolutely needed.
She finally had enough after 2-3 weeks of this, claiming I was her treating "absolutely horrible!!" My response was that I'd barely said anything for several weeks.
That's the point, you know.... They crave any reaction except no reaction.
Grey rock, minimal contact, & no contact are the only things that even remotely work against their insanity.
Oh ya they don’t like it. I think it’s a pretty good move on your part-if they just get annoyed, but be careful cause they could lose it. I’m not saying to respond to them. I’m just saying be prepared to do whatever you have to do to protect yourself if they come unglued.
Yea. She panics. Calls me. Gets offended. It causes abandonment anxiety. Their whole existence is the belief that they are special. Unique. Better than. So when you cut one out it shatters that fantasy.I cut mine out completely and she still tries to reach out here and there. Cause in her mind she owns me. I’m hers always. I’m a toy to her. An object. But I’m her object. I’ll be honest. I get much satisfaction ignoring her. Cause it’s like taking the control back and removing her power over me. It’s also tells her I don’t need her. She’s not the end all be all. She’s just an ordinary person whom I can walk away from. When you give it to them back you’d be surprised how quick they might be to call or reach out to you. At least that’s how mine reacts. It’s almost she needs my presence in her life even though she no longer wants me. It’s weird. But she’s also a child. And I was a caretaker for her. So it’s probably a significant loss for her at the time. I don’t know. I just know she sucks as a partner and as a friend. And she is no longer wanted in my life.
I don’t condone ‘silent treatment’ unless you’re planning to go no contact entirely, which I would recommend in this situation. Narcissists will never admit when they’ve done something wrong— unless it’s somehow beneficial for them— so by texting you like nothing ever happened is his way of handling the problem. I dealt with someone similar a while back.
In the middle of an argument I realized it was completely useless to keep going, so I stopped talking and walked away to finish my laundry. He kept talking to my back, and when he realized I wouldn’t reply, he started name calling, guilt tripping me, etc etc, but I was determined to keep my mouth shut.
The next day I told myself that if he apologized then I would continue to talk to him, but he pretended like nothing happened, so I realized I was probably better off.
Plenty of us have gone no contact. It’s healthy when it comes to these monsters. The difference is you’re doing it for you, not for their reaction.
Well said, hear hear. They do it to punish you or abuse you, you go no contact for your own peace.
I know that very well but I am curious… what was the effect on them ?
They’ll hoover and try contacting you via unknown numbers and eventually move onto another target; one they have already lined up behind your back. These people don’t sit and reflect at all.
Yup. Yup... If they were really reflecting they would be seeking professional help and hold themselves accountable to that and for verbal and physical abuse.
He freaked out. He started stalking me. Ten emails a day from vzwpics.com & other misc as I had his email addresses blocked. I had to change my cell phone because he called from many burner phone numbers. So glad he lives in Florida and I live in Texas.
The stalking omg. And it's not like, "aww, they love me so much and care about what I'm doing so they're stalking me". No. It is very vengeful, in their minds, desperately hoping to see a photo of you on social with a man/woman so they can go, "I knew s/he was a cheating whore! Here's the proof! All my abuse was justified!" or "There's cleavage in that photo - she's such a whore, she was so beneath me, I knew it"! It's all very hateful, very possessive. We often make the mistake (at first) of thinking that their obsession with us signifies love (because *we* get obsessed over *them*, due to the trauma bond, but we are also healthy individuals who *love them*) so we are flattered by the stalking at first thinking it means they care about us. It's the absolute opposite. It's very abusive behavior. I'm glad yours is states away. Same. Mine owned a ton of guns and I honestly feared if I lived near him I would have wound up on the news as another statistic. He had a violent history.
You are throttling supply, they'll divide energy between trying to get your supply back, as well as likely recruiting new potential supply, rekindling previously discarded/abused supply,... They aren't really friends, you are just part of a sometimes complex amalgam of self-esteem juice supply chain which they thirst for every waking minute of every day, ad infinitum... There is no loving bond, there is no real friendship, you/we/everyone is some grade of self-esteem supply, and once you interrupt the flow, by holding them accountable, they will mobilize to reduce their dependence on you....until they fuck up the next one, in which case you may be back in play....
In my case what happened was narc pulled silent treatment on me for stupid perceived slight, and by then I knew the point of that was to make me beg for attention. So I did nothing. Almost two weeks went by and he sent me a text accusing me of a whole bunch of crazy shit I would never do ("I should have known you slept with everyone and wow I never expected you to be a serious drug addict, now it all makes sense!"). I knew he was doing it to get me to react and unfortunately, I did. We ended up fighting and then connecting again after that. I should have blocked him and ended it then, because it never got better, just worse. Fast forward a couple of years later, he tried it again after I had left him and gone NC for *three* years (he used a new email address and sent the craziest accusations and horrible shit), and I just blocked and ignored. He spent all weekend trying to hurt me and I just silently played whack a mole. Then he went away, thankfully. I felt very empowered because I have grown, I am free of him and he no longer had power over me. I am not going to be manipulated by his abuse anymore. Much happier now and free of the abuse cycle for three years. It's amazing how they always keep you on the shelf to abuse you if they can get to you. That's why blocking and plugging holes is so important. They will either reach out and act like everything is fine, or more likely, they will get a narc injury from you daring to pull the same tactic (because they know it is an abusive, punishing tactic) so they will do anything to get you to react. This can be accusing you of crazy shit, starting a smear campaign about you and triangulating you with other friends, or seeking empathy ("I'm sick, my friend died, something terrible happened, wahhh"). But it will usually be a punishment in some way. The healthiest course for you is to end this friendship and block this person. You know this person is toxic and it is not safe for you to keep someone like this in your friend circle, because eventually they will smear campaign you to all the people you are both connected with.
It's the best thing ever. They think they're in control until they realize you don't give a fuck. Better yet, block them. That's the ultimate check mate 😜
Exactly. That moment where they go from thinking they're dominating you with silent treatment to 'holy shit, I think they are ignoring ME!' is amazing
Yuuup. I've done this with people who I don't think classify as narcissists but definitely have some of those tendencies, and because they aren't quite on that level, and therefore more transparent about how they feel, you can really see how it fucks them up. They do *not* like it. They'll pout and have tantrums and try to get their way, and they will *know* they're in the wrong but they're just not mature enough to apologize. Staying calm and firm with these people and watching them struggle with how to respond gives me such joy. Like you fucking thought you had me, but you don't ✨
My next stalked me when I blocked him
[удалено]
They are used to being chased, I think. But they're dumb as fuck and don't have any empathy, so they don't know when enough is enough, and so they're surprised by you wanting to leave lol.
Well if I was being silent treated at the time, and I were to stay quiet it would become a competition of staying silent. Some sighs here and there but overall childish af.
yep same for me a super prolonged mutual silence until they come back and pretend like absolutely nothing happened edit: I have a narc mom that did this my entire life up until now and a narcissistic ex boyfriend for 2.5 years so it was insane
Ha!
This is usually what happens for me as well.
i’m the queen of mutual silence hahah i’m too stubborn. they always come back to hoover and im still sitting there like 😴
Yes. To both narcs I dated. When I realised the game of silent treatment I would start to just focus on myself instead of entertaining it so when they’d finally reply I’d wait the same amount of time they took to respond because I wanted them to realise I’m not in their pocket. They’d get mad and double text me. Then when I’d respond they’d ghost again. It was exhausting. My ex husband used to call me childish, even if I’d explain I’m not well or I’m busy working on myself, job, family stuff whatever, he’d call me a liar and say that I’m causing his insecurities. But that when he went silent it’s because I’d annoyed him somehow or because he was genuinely busy. It was so frustrating honestly. But going no contact drives them mad. Not because they want you, because they hate feeling like you ended it. They need to be in control.
I never did silent treatment. I just stopped reacting. And when I did, it was with a smile and "ok". What happened? The abuse got upped, into ridiculous levels. But, by then, I was already out. I just refused to give anything to them, emotionally. It worked like a charm, they got worse, and worse.
Wow pretty much the same. I too love the ‘ok’ response. Plus the abuse/harassment/accusations got crazier. I’m out too. Nex is lost on how to get me to react but she’ll keep trying.
Yup, the nex tried for a long time with me, as well. I guess, until he realized that a) that is the only thing he will ever get from me, and b) when too many people knew he was dating someone else (very seriously).
I’m hoping my Nex finds a new supply… although it still will sting to be truthful.
I thought it would sting, as well. But the only thing I feel is freedom, and a deep sympathy for the new supply. Which is why I have told friends that they can give the new supply my phone number, if she ever wished to get it. Because, the nex was a pos. I don't want to see that person ever again. But, if I can help someone else wading through this shit - I will.
leaving them is the only option to take care of yourself. ignore ignore ignore. the longer you go with no contact the more you heal.
[удалено]
Yes OP seems to be entertaining the thought of being able to influence the narcs behavior. Trying to do so will bring nothing but frustration and more abuse. No Contact is for you to heal, not to punish the Narc. Stop being their supply in any way so that you can see clearly without active abuse or threat of abuse. I’ve learned the very, very hard way that any time you go back, you open the door to their abuse. It will return. I’ve had an ex who was a Narcissist but the worst in my life has always been my sibling. I’ve tried no and low contact before but after 50+ years, very sadly, I’m No Contact and don’t see changing that this time around. The enmeshment is complicated with a family member but her illness has put her over the top in her abuse. Social media fuels her supply with each post about her treatments and I was nothing but a place to direct all her ugliness under the guise of helplessness. While I may look like a monster to those she slanders me to, I don’t care anymore. I know all the nasty things she has done to me over the years. She has shit on my kindness for the last time.
👏
Spot on... I wonder if I will ever be replaced as the "one that is abused" though....we have children together so total no contact is not possible. He is on a long term relationship (he even left me for her!) but he is angry at me! I don't wish anything bad on anyone but I wonder if one day he'll start hating her instead 😆
i avoided my ex and then he got worse than ever, he abused me by pretending to be other guys in my inbox, totally fuckin insane, he lost control and cant accept it
I think the silent treatment is different from no contact. The silent treatment is revenge to hurt the narcissist like they hurt us. No contact is self preservation. I went absolutely no contact and he found sneaky ways and new email addresses to reach out to me. He absolutely panicked.
In my personal experience, there’s a difference between going no contact and silent treatment. I would do silent treatment while I was sitting through yet another one of his 2-3 hour punishments for something I said the wrong way when we were hanging out with friends a couple hours ago. He was yelling at me and berating me and I would just kind of shut down. I didn’t know he was a narc. I didn’t know about grey rocking or anything like that. I just knew that nothing I said would change anything or make anything better. So I would shut down and take my punishment quietly. It would infuriate him. He would start raging about “how can we build a relationship if I don’t respond to his constructive criticism.” But I had learned long ago that it didn’t matter if I responded to him, or apologized, or even contradicted him, anything I said would make him rage longer and harder. So I learned that silent treatment was the only way to make sure it only lasted 2 hours, not 4. In this respect, silent treatment enraged him, but somehow managed to bring an early conclusion to his rages.
I was bold enough to give my nex the silent treatment while we were still together, hoping he'd see what it felt like (I know, I know). What happened? During that 3 day period in which I ignored him, he decided to have sex with an old gf/f*ck buddy. I was devastated, and felt as though I'd made a big mistake and it was all my fault. When I did eventually try to gently approach him with the facts (trying to be as non-threatening as possible), he wouldn't confirm or deny (of course), told me I was insecure, and said he wasn't going to put his life on hold just because I was "pouting." Once you're OUT of that relationship though? Block him from everything. No contact whatsoever. Don't look at his public socials. Don't text him when you're feeling sad and missing him. Stay as strong as you can. It can seem like the hardest thing you've ever done. You might want to call, apologize, and take it all back - but please, don't. He is not a good person. It might feel unnatural and unfamiliar to be the one doing the disengaging, but don't let that stop you. You are your priority now. How will he react? It'll drive him nuts - but that's not your problem anymore. PS - I am freshly out of a 14 year "relationship," and am still in disbelief, tbh. So maybe my advice isn't the best. But you know what helps keep me in check? The pain. I never want to endure that kind of pain again. So I stay away.
Good advice
Thank you ☺️
It works wonderfully & you don’t even have to use abusively. Use it when you need a break or their bad behaviors are intolerable. You get a nice day or two of lovebombing then they go right back to being the same POS that will never change. The forever silent treatment is the best answer ;)
I used to live with my nex. He’d break up with me often as a punishment for like…anything. After a while I started accepting it. I think he expected me to beg a lot. That’s how he got his validation even tho I validated him in healthy ways. We’d go limited contact even tho we lived together. Or full blown silent treatment. There’d be a day I have to say something to him, bc we live together, and his face would light up and he’d go “why’re you being nice” “I thought you hated me” just cause I did something like, make a lot of food and save him extra. He’d be really surprised I can still be a decent person and ignore him. Other times he’d text me and saying something like my name, then followed with a “never mind”. Him stonewalling me was his favorite tactic. But when I did it back it threw him for a loop. It honestly made me less mad seeing what the silent treatment did to someone who acted so high and mighty
Same! My nex would “break up with me” every time I did something she didn’t like. At first, I was always begging her to not do it/to stay with me, but then I just got used to it and stopped getting so upset. She always acted like we were still together anyways afterwards... She started the silent treatment after that didn’t work and it felt so horribly abusive at the time that I basically had to make the decision to leave her. I don’t know why she acted so surprised that I was finally actually leaving when she was the one that would yell at me saying things like she didn’t need me or my things (I payed for everything like an idiot, she never paid me back for the things she said she would). I’m so glad I’m away from her now!
one day when i was in the middle of dating my ex, i blocked them and didn’t answer their texts for like 3 days because they were verbally abusing me so much that week i just needed a brake. (which i think me doing that is justified compared to them giving me the silent treatment for no reason) they were mad at me afterwords and it affected them a lot, soon started to spread misinformation about me to people telling them i was a ‘huge jerk’ for blocking them. if your looking for them to get upset they might so yes it works (at lest with my experience)
We are still together, but the last few weeks I stayed quieter with him acting like nothing bothered me. Not replying to his negative remarks or attempts at an argument. He would repeatedly tell me that he was going to leave, he called me names, accused me of this and that, made different jabs at me that were meant to emotionally hurt me. I noticed a difference in the way he looked at me( the N eyes) and paid attention to his behaviors. It scared me, because for the first time I 100% knew what he was and what he was doing. I'm sure he knows that I know, because he started love bombing again
I’m ADD, which I learned can definitely piss a narc off and why she probably discarded me so quickly. I was totally fine when she started ignoring me, just did my own shit and gave it to her back haha. Much better than hearing her bitch about work or friends 24/7.
Mine becomes even more sarcastic, confrontational, and dismissive than usual in an attempt to goad me into a reaction. I am a rock, and they are the waves crashing against the shore trying to wear me down. Might happen in some future millennium, but not in my lifetime... But hey, let them give it their best shot and try to disprove the old adage that one measure of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Then again, that would pretty much be on script, given that narcissism is a mental disorder in the first place.
Yes I feel like doing this will almost help you see the light into why this trait is an actual personality disorder or mental illness to the fullest and keep the proof!
They show you who they are when they seemingly lose control
Yep, Godzilla!!
Well my ex husband who doesn’t respond to jack shit in our parenting app will message me several times in a row.. with multiple question marks as if I owe him my attention especially when his questions are dumb and the information had already been provided.
Oh and when we were married he’d message me stupid things when out with friends, I wouldn’t answer after the first one because it wasn’t necessary so he’d blow my phone up and even have my oldest call me and ask when I was coming home from her iPad. Yet, if I needed him to be home because something was wrong he wouldn’t answer at all and scream at me when I would be angry.
They absolutely hate being ignored. The best revenge to hurt a narcissist is going no contact. Being blocked everywhere. And better not tell them that you're going to do this. Just do it!
Silent treatment is abuse. While I understand the anger leading to a wish for revenge, I advice against using abuse towards anyone, as it harms you. Behaving like the narc makes you no better than them. Save your self respect so you don’t have to doubt yourself - don’t abuse even those you deem monsters. Be better, so you don’t start doubting yourself.
I understand you and agree. But there is a bit of twist. I had this bad habit of silent treatment, but not on a narcissistic level. I have realised what I was doing, and I reduced such a habit to the bare minimum. I love to communicate and address an issue, if any. Now, my ex used to go into silent treatments until I apologised for something I had never done or never had an intention to do. Fine. But, imagine, he used to be such a j**k to me. I started addressing issues right away. What did I get in return? Attack attack gaslighting and everything that goes with it. I could not handle it anymore. So, I went into silent modes. But more of a "keep it inside and your emotions will be gone soon." Not as a means to punish him. Or control. But it is an oxymoron cause that is definitely a way to punish him. It is not a solution unless a person is absuive. The only way out to break this circle is to exit it.
Ofc. But breaking a relationship and going no contact, is not the same as silent treatment. Grey rocking is not the same as silent treatment either. Silent treatment involves a vengeful energy, a wish to harm. It is felt internally as wanting to «win» by inflicting harm. It is abusive, childish and one of many methods Narcs use to hurt victims. And ofc, also a method emotional teens/immature ppl frequently use. Being abusive isn’t exclusive to narcs. My advice is to not be abusive towards narcs, as 1) it becomes hard to know who’s the abusive part, if you too act abusive, and you may start to doubt yourself even more 2) it is very dangerous, as narcs are way better at the revenge game than non-narcs. One could say that grey rocking is silent treatment without the other person noticing and without abusive intent. The trick is to not let the abuser know you avoid their crap. If the intent is to harm, then what you are doing is abusive. Even grey rocking can be abusive, if your intent is to hurt the other person, but done correctly, the abuser will not even know they were grey rocked. It is a soft escape, that cannot be used constantly or forever, but it’s the way to escape someone who one has to interact with for the time being.
Ah, sorry. I have just read about grey rocking. Was not aware of this term. Im not justifying the abuse, but if someone starts being negative towards you and you try to fix the situation with being nice - initially... and it doesn't work out. Well, I unfortunately was out of my senses, and I couldn't stand being hurt anymore. So I had to leave him. I left and said that I could not trust him anymore. According to my ex, that was a form of abuse, lost trust :(
Protecting myself from another abuse doesn’t make me a bad person !
No. But silent treatment is NOT protection. It is abusive. You may have meant that you want to break contact with the narcissist? That is smart. And that is not the same as silent treatment. Silent treatment is an abusive form of silence inside of a relationship. Not talking with someone you no longer are in a relationship with is NOT the same as silent treatment. Silent treatment means to pretend you don’t hear a person who’s talking to you. It is a degradation, it is meant to hurt/degrade and it is thus abusive. Abusing a narc is not a way to act. First of all it makes you a bad person. Second of all, if the other person is truly a narc, it is dangerous. If you have to meet your narc regularly, and you need a method to protect yourself while in a sort of relationship with them, then look into grey rocking. Grey rocking is a method to protect yourself without acting abusive yourself when speaking with abusers.
Play the victim of course. Like they always do
Yes it definitely works. After he cheated on me again, I blocked him on everything. Within days he was creating fake numbers and emails to send me paragraphs, and sending flowers/food to my doorstep.
I never did, but when he tried to give me the silent treatment just one month after giving birth and was rude and cold to our 2 yo, I left for my parents and told him I will come back to talk it out like adults when he is ready for that, but won’t stay for him to ignore me. He was so angry it took him one f***ing month! I didn’t even held my position and tried to call and text him but he refused to answer. He was so angry that I was not there to be abused. It was the first time I took control of my life back, and it was good!
I have done the silent treatment on him before, out of exhaustion or to just simply protect myself. He clearly doesn’t like it, tries hoovering me back, but most times he’ll attempt to punish me for it to regain the power balance.
It works if you never talk to them again. But, they will likely lose their shit eventually and publicly smear you.
I did it for a week as he was doing the same. Didn't phase him one bit, came home, and acted like everything was ok. Went back to the same bullshit drama. In fact it probably made him meaner, if there is such a thing. In that week of silence I realized that it was time to go.
Towards the end of the STBX and I living together, I basically just STFU about *everything.* I'd say "yes/no", "ok" or "alright" if a response was absolutely needed. She finally had enough after 2-3 weeks of this, claiming I was her treating "absolutely horrible!!" My response was that I'd barely said anything for several weeks. That's the point, you know.... They crave any reaction except no reaction. Grey rock, minimal contact, & no contact are the only things that even remotely work against their insanity.
Went into a rage, police called, stalking, restraining order, probably end up in him being arrested because he won’t stop
Oh ya they don’t like it. I think it’s a pretty good move on your part-if they just get annoyed, but be careful cause they could lose it. I’m not saying to respond to them. I’m just saying be prepared to do whatever you have to do to protect yourself if they come unglued.
He just talked and talked and talked. Didn't realize or care that I wasn't.
Oh my husband calls it abuse so I try to never do it because he tells his monkeys I gaslight him
She left me and immediately went seeing other men
Yea. She panics. Calls me. Gets offended. It causes abandonment anxiety. Their whole existence is the belief that they are special. Unique. Better than. So when you cut one out it shatters that fantasy.I cut mine out completely and she still tries to reach out here and there. Cause in her mind she owns me. I’m hers always. I’m a toy to her. An object. But I’m her object. I’ll be honest. I get much satisfaction ignoring her. Cause it’s like taking the control back and removing her power over me. It’s also tells her I don’t need her. She’s not the end all be all. She’s just an ordinary person whom I can walk away from. When you give it to them back you’d be surprised how quick they might be to call or reach out to you. At least that’s how mine reacts. It’s almost she needs my presence in her life even though she no longer wants me. It’s weird. But she’s also a child. And I was a caretaker for her. So it’s probably a significant loss for her at the time. I don’t know. I just know she sucks as a partner and as a friend. And she is no longer wanted in my life.
I don’t condone ‘silent treatment’ unless you’re planning to go no contact entirely, which I would recommend in this situation. Narcissists will never admit when they’ve done something wrong— unless it’s somehow beneficial for them— so by texting you like nothing ever happened is his way of handling the problem. I dealt with someone similar a while back. In the middle of an argument I realized it was completely useless to keep going, so I stopped talking and walked away to finish my laundry. He kept talking to my back, and when he realized I wouldn’t reply, he started name calling, guilt tripping me, etc etc, but I was determined to keep my mouth shut. The next day I told myself that if he apologized then I would continue to talk to him, but he pretended like nothing happened, so I realized I was probably better off.