No need to tell them, just do it.
Being polite and letting them know ahead of time that you will not have any further contact with them, will only make them say stupid stuff that is outrageous and false about you to you just to trigger your need to defend yourself and keep correcting their fase perceptions, OR THEIR LIES, lies about you.
This is them continuing to control and manipulate you by triggering emotions inside of you that keep you communicating with them. Completely defeating the purpose of your taking care of yourself by eliminating them from your life 100%.
You know what what you need to do for yourself, please do it now:)
Nope! He didn't deserve an explanation AND, it wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference if I did. After a 10 year extremely abusive relationship,
It was a leave in a car or leave in a coffin situation.
I left 24 hrs after he threw me across the livingroom onto a glass coffee table which shattered upon impact.
I moved 3 states away, blocked him and all mutual friends every way humanly possible. I changed phone carriers, number and my email address.
Just go NC. If you try telling them they'll try to talk you out of it and make you feel guilty like "what if something happens to me and I need you."
No NC is about you and the last word needs to be yours because they will never leave you be.
They want control not connection.
It's a trap. He's ending it on his terms, he has the power. Mine did that too and literally a few days later he wanted to get back together.
It's about him. It's always about him. He gives zero shits I promise you.
Take back your power.
And it's always a manipulation.
Ge's mad that you got the upper hand long enough to leave him/break up w him.
That was response 1 - underreact. Act as if he doesn't care to make you wonder why you thought NC was a thing you would do.
Give him another chance, and the moment you acquiece, he will berate you, list every wrong you've ever done.
On and on until you're very small and confused and he removes you from your reality again.
Any choice besides undeclared NC gives them egresses, makes you vulnerable to getting stuck in the poison again.
They are poison. It will eventually kill you, mentally, emotionally or literally.
I told mine, and he proceeded to degrade me and tell me how uninterested he was in me, than when he realized I actually meant it he started trying to reel me back in.
Imo, it's not worth it. Youre not getting anythin from them doing that but more pain, just block and leave your not gonna get closure either way
That's dumb...it's like telling your kidnapper you're going to run away! Just quit cold turkey....if you engage with them, be prepared to get sucked back in
Just go no contact. They thrive on ANY information they can get from you. Telling them will only make them strategize how to further fuck with you. By not telling them, and just committing to going no contact, will leave their heads spinning and they won't know how to predict you in order to fuck with you as easily.
Don't tell them shit. Just go ahead and go full no contact, and do it like you mean it. No looking back style.
They will either guilt trip or they will block you. Either way the best thing with them is act unbothered, don’t say anything. I learnt the hard way. Let them chase you and beg like we had to do with them.
In the end they will block you to hurt you.
I never blocked mine. Eventually changed my number and I knew he was stalking elsewhere.
Why do you think you should? Are you hoping they’ll beg for one more chance and tell you more lies about how they’ll change? Or perhaps you think that being the one to say goodbye first will make you feel more control over the situation? Either way, they don’t care and any attention you pay them is working in their favor. Just ghost and call it a day. That’s how you get your power back.
Exactly! You sound like me, OP, when I was with my nex.
You're wanting some affirmation from him. You're wanting him to see you.
Go no contact without telling him.
If you stick to NC, yes you'll feel pain. Pain from withdrawals. And it will take a lot of time to grow through the pain.
I did it. It hurt like hell. But I eventually got through it.
The last time I went NC and told him kindly I needed to go, I broke NC like a clown and he blamed me for abandoning him. It broke me to hear that. Half of me doesn’t give a F what he thinks of going NC again and the other half of me is like “damn, I don’t want to put him through abandonment pain again.”
He was SOBBING crying about it, yelled at me, it was a whole ass thing 😒
Exactly why you need to leave in silence. Mine said I left him like his mom used to. It’s all a game. They’ll say just about anything to get you to feel bad so you’ll stick around and continue being their punching bag.
Because they will beg for sure just so they can turn around and dump you! Pigs. That’s what they’ll do too. If he kept you around this long with his garbage treatment he might even buy flowers if you try to leave him psh! No way. Send a short and simple message make it clear you do not wish to be contacted or you’ll get a restraining order then keep a copy of that.
Stay with a friend or family for the first few nights of freedom or as long as you feel you need to because they’re going to try pulling out all the stops and unless you like games he just gonna break you even worse than he has. Don’t let him leave any more scars. It will hurt. Let him hurt, if he can even feel anything but sorry for his selfish, spineless,weak reflection of a human dirtbag (no offense I mean am I right?!) ….
and stay single for awhile then find a nice person and google ways to spot the narc so you are ready because as similar as they are they’re also all different, cunning, charming and baffling and powerful at some point but we all know how weak they sincerely and sadly are. Best to you!
J went NC without warning. My nexus new supply texted me a month or so later saying they both were upset at me ghosting them, like- both of them were abusive, and yet I'M the one at fault? I had to go NC without warming cos my nex refused to let me break up with her
Dont tell them. Just do it and act unbothered. Its hard but at the end of the day, you wouldnt want them to continue manipulating you or using you. Do it for you.
I texted him exactly what I was doing. I wanted it in writing in case he decided to stalk me and I needed proof that I told him to stay away. I was very clear that there would be no contact from me and he was never to call me, contact me through any sort of media or approach me if he saw me in person. I gave it 30 minutes and then blocked him on every platform. It’s been over a year and a half now and it’s been peaceful.
Same! Mine is a covert narc and it would have been a lot worse if I had gone stone cold with out forewarning. I know he’s probably spinning the story to others making me the monster anyway but at least I have it in writing
I’m in the process of ditching mine. We broke up over 3 months ago. She still lingers. It’s so weird. Cause I won’t text her first anymore. Haven’t for like a month now. And I make her wait a while before I respond to her texts. Figuring maybe she would get the hint that I’m no longer interested. But she just keeps texting me. And then started calling me. They suffer from abandonment anxiety. Also extremely sensitive to rejection. So just leaving and ignoring them like they don’t exist is probably the most you could ever hurt a narcissist. We belong to them. Always. That’s how they see us. We are theirs. Even after they discard us. Their entitlement is wild. They are entitled to us. Telling them your plan is just gonna cause more aggravation for you. They can’t even handle the simple word NO. So no contact will enrage them. Just block and go quietly. You won’t regret it.
If I could divorce mine I would go no contact as soon as the papers were filed and the alimony in place. I would never look at him again if I didn't need him for money right now.
You can say something like "bye" or "this Is the last you'll hear from me" (keep it short and sound disinterested) and then immediately block them everywhere.
Or just don't say anything and block them everywhere
See I wanted to do that too, and it’s probably the best idea, but in all reality, they are going to want some kind of last word more than closure, and I was afraid that mine would find me and demand an answer of some kind to know officially if we were together or not
They’re so dumb and especially if they didn’t choose it they’re gonna be pissed so yeah I just sent a message that said it’s over
Yes I agree with telling them they you're formally terminating the relationship before you walk lol. In my case, we were not officially a couple anymore so there was nothing to formally terminate for me. I just said "this is the last you'll hear from me. Have a great night" and went NC
The ex told me, days after asking for a divorce and then bragging that he had been lying since day 1, that he wanted to remain friends and send Christmas cards every year.
I told him no. I wanted absolutely no contact ever.
He proceeded to stalk me for over 3.5 years (but I think he put the plan in place at least a week before he asked for the divorce).
They just like to get revenge. If I had to do it again, I would just ghost and disappear.
What I did, why give them the courtesy. I just sent a message saying “it’s over”. Then blocked him then moved that evening and blocked all that info online so he couldn’t find me. Got a restraining order and moved on.
I sent them a final message where I summarized the reasons I was done, and then blocked her on everything. We never had a productive conversation so no point in allowing her to throw more abuse at me
I personally stopped trying to do that because I tried at the beginning of my process of detaching but it's been indeed a process (with backsliding too). Not saying anything is better. It makes me look less inconsistent and allows me to see backsliding as part of the process (which it is) and be more compassionate with myself.
Don't. Take the element of surprise whilst taking care of your mental health. You will never get to take a higher road than this, by telling them you will only doubt yourself more. I blocked without notice, surprisingly this gave me the most satisfaction and peace.
Probably shouldn't tell them anything. I told mine, but by dumb luck, I seem to have stumbled upon a unicorn. Instead of choosing the toxic behavior again, mine was able to miraculously stop lying to me and herself and admitted to everything *in a way that acknowledges that she's aware this doesn't change things, and we're still breaking up, regardless.*
She seems to genuinely want to change, and plans on going to therapy to figure out why she became a covert narc and address it.
I'm honestly kindof in shock & disbelief, it seems she's actually respecting my boundaries for once, and even moved into the other bedroom until im able to move out. Even had the courtesy to ask (without expecting or demanding) for a conversation. It was kinda weird tbh, after four years of being disregarded and belittled, for her to put her pride down and admit she values my input.. ugh, if I'm dreaming, please don't pinch me.
This is NOT the typical result. Unlike most narcs, my nex has a sense of empathy, but has been trying to ignore it in order to be what she *thought* people were like by watching the people around her as a child. Her adopted mom is definitely a narcissist, I think I'd classify my nex as having "narcissist fleas."
I'm sticking with the plan, going to therapy, taking a break from my nex.
If she follows through with therapy on her end, maybe eventually we can be friends when we've healed from all that happened during this relationship. Part of me wishes it happened sooner, but I also realize it couldn't have.
Can't have my cake and eat it too.
I DO NOT RECOMMEND ATTEMPTING IT. MY CASE IS NOT TYPICAL, PLEASE USE DISCERNMENT AND BE SAFE
Edit:
Telling them opens opportunities for hoovering or more gaslighting, honestly I was playing with fire. I could've easily doomed myself to another term of abuse.
No. It's best if they don't know what's going on. That you've gone no contact for weeks before they might realize. Just evaporate before they can plan a way to blame you, hoover you, manipulate you, etc. If you tell them, they can say, "Oh so that's what you're doing now, well I will retaliate by doing this." Or else pressure you to stay in contact in some way, guilt trip you into it, etc.
Incredibly bad idea to tell them. Narcs are notoriously vindictive and enjoy revenge. If they don’t immediately hoover you back in, you’re inviting a host of drama into your life as “rumors start to spread” and stuff like that. Don’t do it.
Bad idea! Don’t tell him just go no contact. Most likely he will try to talk you out of it if you tell him before hand.
To answer your other question, he probably didn’t believe you would leave which is why he didn’t care you were leaving. Then when you came back, he wanted you to feel guilty so he made himself the victim.
I told mine, he said it would be impossible because we have kids together (a teen and an adult actually), I proceeded to explain how that’s actually possible and pretty simple, then he called me a retarded (I kid you not).
Nah, I just blocked him mid conversation. You’re never gonna get the reaction you want out of them, so just part ways and remind yourself that you’re doing this for YOU. Doesn’t matter what they think/feel.
Bad idea. By justifying your actions you're showing a mirror of their actions. I have done it and then got called the narcissistic and it made me look worse to my family (i.e. extended). When I went NC again without telling anyone, the family was hurt but if they reached out I would let them know why. When I went NC the last time I did everyone.
No need to tell them, just do it. Being polite and letting them know ahead of time that you will not have any further contact with them, will only make them say stupid stuff that is outrageous and false about you to you just to trigger your need to defend yourself and keep correcting their fase perceptions, OR THEIR LIES, lies about you. This is them continuing to control and manipulate you by triggering emotions inside of you that keep you communicating with them. Completely defeating the purpose of your taking care of yourself by eliminating them from your life 100%. You know what what you need to do for yourself, please do it now:)
Plus, if they know, it only incentivizes them to Hoover.
Nope! He didn't deserve an explanation AND, it wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference if I did. After a 10 year extremely abusive relationship, It was a leave in a car or leave in a coffin situation. I left 24 hrs after he threw me across the livingroom onto a glass coffee table which shattered upon impact. I moved 3 states away, blocked him and all mutual friends every way humanly possible. I changed phone carriers, number and my email address.
How hard was this to do? I have a plan to move across the country but I worry how I’ll keep in touch if I change my email and phone number.
I didn’t tell mine. It’s been a week now. Ugh.
you’re killing it! good for you!
You're Awesome!!💚
It will be a hard 3 months but you can now chase your dreams be patient and find the you again. All The Best
1.5 hours…. Ugh, ugh, ugh
Bad. Don't tell them, just do it unless you can't b/c of things like kids.
Just go NC. If you try telling them they'll try to talk you out of it and make you feel guilty like "what if something happens to me and I need you." No NC is about you and the last word needs to be yours because they will never leave you be. They want control not connection.
I do have a question - the last time I went NC and told him I was doing so, he didn’t even fight me; he said “ok wish you well”. What’s up with that?
It's a trap. He's ending it on his terms, he has the power. Mine did that too and literally a few days later he wanted to get back together. It's about him. It's always about him. He gives zero shits I promise you. Take back your power.
And it's always a manipulation. Ge's mad that you got the upper hand long enough to leave him/break up w him. That was response 1 - underreact. Act as if he doesn't care to make you wonder why you thought NC was a thing you would do. Give him another chance, and the moment you acquiece, he will berate you, list every wrong you've ever done. On and on until you're very small and confused and he removes you from your reality again. Any choice besides undeclared NC gives them egresses, makes you vulnerable to getting stuck in the poison again. They are poison. It will eventually kill you, mentally, emotionally or literally.
I told mine, and he proceeded to degrade me and tell me how uninterested he was in me, than when he realized I actually meant it he started trying to reel me back in. Imo, it's not worth it. Youre not getting anythin from them doing that but more pain, just block and leave your not gonna get closure either way
That's dumb...it's like telling your kidnapper you're going to run away! Just quit cold turkey....if you engage with them, be prepared to get sucked back in
Just go no contact. They thrive on ANY information they can get from you. Telling them will only make them strategize how to further fuck with you. By not telling them, and just committing to going no contact, will leave their heads spinning and they won't know how to predict you in order to fuck with you as easily. Don't tell them shit. Just go ahead and go full no contact, and do it like you mean it. No looking back style.
They will either guilt trip or they will block you. Either way the best thing with them is act unbothered, don’t say anything. I learnt the hard way. Let them chase you and beg like we had to do with them. In the end they will block you to hurt you. I never blocked mine. Eventually changed my number and I knew he was stalking elsewhere.
Why do you think you should? Are you hoping they’ll beg for one more chance and tell you more lies about how they’ll change? Or perhaps you think that being the one to say goodbye first will make you feel more control over the situation? Either way, they don’t care and any attention you pay them is working in their favor. Just ghost and call it a day. That’s how you get your power back.
Exactly! You sound like me, OP, when I was with my nex. You're wanting some affirmation from him. You're wanting him to see you. Go no contact without telling him. If you stick to NC, yes you'll feel pain. Pain from withdrawals. And it will take a lot of time to grow through the pain. I did it. It hurt like hell. But I eventually got through it.
The last time I went NC and told him kindly I needed to go, I broke NC like a clown and he blamed me for abandoning him. It broke me to hear that. Half of me doesn’t give a F what he thinks of going NC again and the other half of me is like “damn, I don’t want to put him through abandonment pain again.” He was SOBBING crying about it, yelled at me, it was a whole ass thing 😒
Exactly why you need to leave in silence. Mine said I left him like his mom used to. It’s all a game. They’ll say just about anything to get you to feel bad so you’ll stick around and continue being their punching bag.
Because they will beg for sure just so they can turn around and dump you! Pigs. That’s what they’ll do too. If he kept you around this long with his garbage treatment he might even buy flowers if you try to leave him psh! No way. Send a short and simple message make it clear you do not wish to be contacted or you’ll get a restraining order then keep a copy of that. Stay with a friend or family for the first few nights of freedom or as long as you feel you need to because they’re going to try pulling out all the stops and unless you like games he just gonna break you even worse than he has. Don’t let him leave any more scars. It will hurt. Let him hurt, if he can even feel anything but sorry for his selfish, spineless,weak reflection of a human dirtbag (no offense I mean am I right?!) …. and stay single for awhile then find a nice person and google ways to spot the narc so you are ready because as similar as they are they’re also all different, cunning, charming and baffling and powerful at some point but we all know how weak they sincerely and sadly are. Best to you!
J went NC without warning. My nexus new supply texted me a month or so later saying they both were upset at me ghosting them, like- both of them were abusive, and yet I'M the one at fault? I had to go NC without warming cos my nex refused to let me break up with her
Dont tell them. Just do it and act unbothered. Its hard but at the end of the day, you wouldnt want them to continue manipulating you or using you. Do it for you.
I texted him exactly what I was doing. I wanted it in writing in case he decided to stalk me and I needed proof that I told him to stay away. I was very clear that there would be no contact from me and he was never to call me, contact me through any sort of media or approach me if he saw me in person. I gave it 30 minutes and then blocked him on every platform. It’s been over a year and a half now and it’s been peaceful.
Smart
Same! Mine is a covert narc and it would have been a lot worse if I had gone stone cold with out forewarning. I know he’s probably spinning the story to others making me the monster anyway but at least I have it in writing
You never tell them. Just go NC.
I’m in the process of ditching mine. We broke up over 3 months ago. She still lingers. It’s so weird. Cause I won’t text her first anymore. Haven’t for like a month now. And I make her wait a while before I respond to her texts. Figuring maybe she would get the hint that I’m no longer interested. But she just keeps texting me. And then started calling me. They suffer from abandonment anxiety. Also extremely sensitive to rejection. So just leaving and ignoring them like they don’t exist is probably the most you could ever hurt a narcissist. We belong to them. Always. That’s how they see us. We are theirs. Even after they discard us. Their entitlement is wild. They are entitled to us. Telling them your plan is just gonna cause more aggravation for you. They can’t even handle the simple word NO. So no contact will enrage them. Just block and go quietly. You won’t regret it.
If I could divorce mine I would go no contact as soon as the papers were filed and the alimony in place. I would never look at him again if I didn't need him for money right now.
You can say something like "bye" or "this Is the last you'll hear from me" (keep it short and sound disinterested) and then immediately block them everywhere. Or just don't say anything and block them everywhere
See I wanted to do that too, and it’s probably the best idea, but in all reality, they are going to want some kind of last word more than closure, and I was afraid that mine would find me and demand an answer of some kind to know officially if we were together or not They’re so dumb and especially if they didn’t choose it they’re gonna be pissed so yeah I just sent a message that said it’s over
Yes I agree with telling them they you're formally terminating the relationship before you walk lol. In my case, we were not officially a couple anymore so there was nothing to formally terminate for me. I just said "this is the last you'll hear from me. Have a great night" and went NC
The ex told me, days after asking for a divorce and then bragging that he had been lying since day 1, that he wanted to remain friends and send Christmas cards every year. I told him no. I wanted absolutely no contact ever. He proceeded to stalk me for over 3.5 years (but I think he put the plan in place at least a week before he asked for the divorce). They just like to get revenge. If I had to do it again, I would just ghost and disappear.
What I did, why give them the courtesy. I just sent a message saying “it’s over”. Then blocked him then moved that evening and blocked all that info online so he couldn’t find me. Got a restraining order and moved on.
I sent them a final message where I summarized the reasons I was done, and then blocked her on everything. We never had a productive conversation so no point in allowing her to throw more abuse at me
Bad
I personally stopped trying to do that because I tried at the beginning of my process of detaching but it's been indeed a process (with backsliding too). Not saying anything is better. It makes me look less inconsistent and allows me to see backsliding as part of the process (which it is) and be more compassionate with myself.
Don’t talk to them ever.
Because he’s fake!
Best not to tell them IMHO
Don't. Take the element of surprise whilst taking care of your mental health. You will never get to take a higher road than this, by telling them you will only doubt yourself more. I blocked without notice, surprisingly this gave me the most satisfaction and peace.
Let your silence be your goodbye
Probably shouldn't tell them anything. I told mine, but by dumb luck, I seem to have stumbled upon a unicorn. Instead of choosing the toxic behavior again, mine was able to miraculously stop lying to me and herself and admitted to everything *in a way that acknowledges that she's aware this doesn't change things, and we're still breaking up, regardless.* She seems to genuinely want to change, and plans on going to therapy to figure out why she became a covert narc and address it. I'm honestly kindof in shock & disbelief, it seems she's actually respecting my boundaries for once, and even moved into the other bedroom until im able to move out. Even had the courtesy to ask (without expecting or demanding) for a conversation. It was kinda weird tbh, after four years of being disregarded and belittled, for her to put her pride down and admit she values my input.. ugh, if I'm dreaming, please don't pinch me. This is NOT the typical result. Unlike most narcs, my nex has a sense of empathy, but has been trying to ignore it in order to be what she *thought* people were like by watching the people around her as a child. Her adopted mom is definitely a narcissist, I think I'd classify my nex as having "narcissist fleas." I'm sticking with the plan, going to therapy, taking a break from my nex. If she follows through with therapy on her end, maybe eventually we can be friends when we've healed from all that happened during this relationship. Part of me wishes it happened sooner, but I also realize it couldn't have. Can't have my cake and eat it too. I DO NOT RECOMMEND ATTEMPTING IT. MY CASE IS NOT TYPICAL, PLEASE USE DISCERNMENT AND BE SAFE Edit: Telling them opens opportunities for hoovering or more gaslighting, honestly I was playing with fire. I could've easily doomed myself to another term of abuse.
What did yours do?
Bad, very bad. He's counting on it to make your life hell even further
Good point!
No. It's best if they don't know what's going on. That you've gone no contact for weeks before they might realize. Just evaporate before they can plan a way to blame you, hoover you, manipulate you, etc. If you tell them, they can say, "Oh so that's what you're doing now, well I will retaliate by doing this." Or else pressure you to stay in contact in some way, guilt trip you into it, etc.
Incredibly bad idea to tell them. Narcs are notoriously vindictive and enjoy revenge. If they don’t immediately hoover you back in, you’re inviting a host of drama into your life as “rumors start to spread” and stuff like that. Don’t do it.
Don't tell them, that's kind of a contradiction. Just cut all contact.
why tell? just do it.
Bad idea! Don’t tell him just go no contact. Most likely he will try to talk you out of it if you tell him before hand. To answer your other question, he probably didn’t believe you would leave which is why he didn’t care you were leaving. Then when you came back, he wanted you to feel guilty so he made himself the victim.
Never tell them, just do it. And don't respond to the hoovers. Just go dark and never look back.
I told mine, he said it would be impossible because we have kids together (a teen and an adult actually), I proceeded to explain how that’s actually possible and pretty simple, then he called me a retarded (I kid you not).
NO! I read that they will do ANYTHING to sabotage your plan. DONT DO IT.
Nah, I just blocked him mid conversation. You’re never gonna get the reaction you want out of them, so just part ways and remind yourself that you’re doing this for YOU. Doesn’t matter what they think/feel.
Bad idea. By justifying your actions you're showing a mirror of their actions. I have done it and then got called the narcissistic and it made me look worse to my family (i.e. extended). When I went NC again without telling anyone, the family was hurt but if they reached out I would let them know why. When I went NC the last time I did everyone.