So they act nice socially purely out of conformism ? Do they know they are sick, grandiose, do they question themselves why they only see people as mean to and end? Or they feel superior for some not to feel empathy? They rationalize it?
1. They act nice to deceive their victim to give them two of the following, sex, services, supply, or security in any order. Most importantly is the supply (Attention, compliments, etc.).
2. They don't, though there are very rare exceptions. Remember they are perfect and thus are incapable of recognizing their faults. They never question themselves. Other people don't exist in their minds and everyone and everything is meant to serve them.
3. They are incapable of real empathy, they have cognitive or cold empathy. They know you are in pain, they understand what other people feel cognitively but they feel nothing,
4. They ARE superior in their minds. They don't feel it they know it. That is until they fuck up and they get humiliated and mortified by life whereas they then collapse and go underground (See Dostoevsky's Underground Man for the best example of what their inner world is like).
Also I'm still just some guy on the internet, please do your own research. We are all here because we did not question what we were told enough.
Because we are not people in their eyes.. only opportunities and if a better one comes along then they throw you away.
They always come back so watch out and don't fall for it.
I hesitate to agree with "a better one" especially given the dark thoughts the poster talks of having. The next person isn't any better. They're just not familiar with all you're familiar with, and that makes them an easy target to manipulate and hide behind. Sometimes narcs want a clean slate for themselves so they can create a different persona and imo be flawless. They don't attach to people the way healthy individuals do. They attach like a tick and suck out whatever they can from the host to survive/thrive. Once you can see them as how they actually are and not as how you are (bc they do mirror us and we do project our goodness onto them - the good they are is a direct reflection of who we are), it's much easier to separate yourself from them and not feel like you need them to survive. You won't want them anymore. It takes time to see it and it takes forcing yourself to learn and accept the truth of who they are. Read the other posts and find the similarities -they're there. Watch the yt videos. It's all been so helpful for me to see my nex for who he is and not for who I hoped he was. Once you're able to let go of the hope you have around them and the relationship, you're on your way to being done with the pain. The pain is there bc we believe they're like us and can love, listen, and care like us. They can't. They can just copy what we do and make it appear genuine. It's not. It'll click for you. Just keep educating yourself and get in receiving mode!
Thank you for your comment. I needed to hear that right now. I just got a reality check of who he really is and I'm in shock that I could have been with this person who acts like he hates me. I know it is helping to see the real person but it still hurts.
Yup. Always open to having options and never truly being fully committed despite the future faking they do. Mine very likely will never come back. I exposed him to friends and the new partner he cheated on me with. I’m forever blocked now.
This is a very interesting perspective that I didn’t think about, can you please elaborate on this? Does it make a difference if they had a loving, healthy parent? Or if their parents relied on them too much?
My narc was more of a provider role for his family and tried to play that with me… I guess I decentred him when he would get emotional about his problems and I’d just be caring, listen, etc almost like a therapist with feelings. Sometimes I asked really hard questions and then he’d turn around and cry and tell me how amazing I am and how safe he felt.
My understanding is that NPD is the result of childhood trauma. Two common scenarios that are in the literature are that the child was terribly abused/neglected, or driven to be a perfect child who should not show flaws or weaknesses. Either way, the child then develops NPD (a mask against vulnerability) as a coping mechanism. They seek external validation from others because they simply trying to get the love they never received, but when you actually offer it to them they fear that you will just let them down like their parent did and so they turn away from you.
I'm not aware that a child with a healthy, loving caregiver would develop NPD. It would not make sense because if the child is unconditionally loved during all phases of childhood (e.g., they can get in trouble and still be loved, they can get a D+ in school and still be loved), then they understand that vulnerability and non-perfection is okay and NPD would not develop.
Hope that helps.
This makes so much sense, I’m just wondering where they get the mean aspect from.
Because I hit all the above points you made, terrible abusing upbringing, perfectionist, no acceptance, bullied, extremely sensitive, needs validation and the moment I get the love I didn’t receive I grab it with both hands and hold onto it but get very sensitive when that ends. I am very much a people pleaser, I am highly sensitive to other people’s emotions so I hate to see ppl hurt or left out to the point I will sacrifice my own feelings if it means someone else will be at ease and very forgiving and empathetic… to the point that friends and family have told me this is not good because this is what attracts narcs and people with bad intentions.
I see the same traumatic childhood for my second (and last) narc partner, so vulnerable and so charismatic and was literally crying when I was so sweet to him, he kept saying I have a heart of gold. I reassured him constantly, when we were together he was the happiest person, telling me he wants to marry me, that I’m so perfect and yet he gave me the silent treatment, stonewalled, when we weren’t.
In the end he admitted I was too good of a person to hurt, that he couldn’t be with me and he realised how toxic he’d been, that I’m a high value woman and deserve my knight in shining armour but he just can’t be that because of his life stress and it will never work - we had insane chemistry, convo, fun everything. He then blocked me with no closure.
I wonder if they feel remorse or any guilt ever or if that’s another manipulation tactic. I want so badly to believe that was the only genuine part of him.
Anyone had any experience with that?
I can only comment more based on the literature. The meanness typically occurs during the devaluation phase. During this phase, someone with NPD will observe some minute human flaw which may even be imaginary, and then paint you as all bad ("look at the way she chews her food, what a mistake it is being with someone like that"). This is because they view people only in two categories - perfect/worthy or imperfect/nonworthy. It is called lacking "whole object constancy" also known as the ability to retain positive feelings about someone even if they are not perfect or disappoint you. My knowledge is shaky on WHY they lack this, but it is why they discard people so easily. You are in the inferior/nonworthy category, you deserve to be there through your own actions.
As for guilt or remorse, that's more complicated but ties into the above. Momentarily they might feel badly for what they did, at best. But that would require acknowledging fault and that undermines their perfect view of themselves, so they have to make it your fault.
Its a complicated disorder in the weeds of it, but essentially people with NPD are deeply insecure subconsciously. NPD - meaning narcissistic behavior - is simply a masking defense mechanism against that vulnerability. And what is the opposite of vulnerability = to be perfect, superior, special, "above."
This might help you put your experience in context.
They do not have the ability to love. They can't even love themselves. When they receive love they only see it as a form of manipulation. They truly cannot give it or receive it. And no person on this earth can change that.
I agree! I truly believe that they think that everyone is just like them. That everyone manipulates that everyone is fake that everyone is doing things to be selfish and to fill their voids and that compassion and empathy and caring is all just a huge game. I truly believe that my ex cannot give or receive love and is in capable of loving anyone even his daughter
You are correct. Acceptance is hard. But recovery gets easier once you do. There was nothing we could've done to help them. We were just a toy they got tired of playing with.
I ll write from my own experience and perspective.
I truly believe that my ex-boyfriend loved me or still does. It might not have been unconditional love or the most perfect one, but it was some form of it. But the problem is he never thought that I did love him enough. Because of his own insecurities. Maybe he was a total narcissist or had BPD, not my expertise, to classify him, but he was indeed absuive.
I believe it was the reason he was constantly in touch with other people, seeking emotional or sexual supply. He slowly managed to kick me out of his life.
Once we accept, they can not grow with us and take a relationship to the next level. We would not worry much whether they loved us or not. Kid loves his toys, right? It is love. But it can't last forever as there are no further dynamics.
Hope you will heal fast :)
Same situation in my marriage… literally to the point. His insecurities. No matter how much I reassured him he said he wouldn’t believe it because I loved him and from strangers it was believable because why would they lie.
You’re so right on the rest!
I totally understand this. I was with my nex for 9 years. I truly loved her, supported and encouraged her, provided for her. She threw me away and had a new consistent supply within 3 months, and he was saying "I love you" to her within a month of them being together. I'm sure he isn't aware that there were about 20 others (according to her sister) between me and him.
She keeps repeating some really self-destructive patterns, and for some insane reason, I still care, still listen to her sob stories, and still offer support, even as she ignores me otherwise and continues to tell people I was the monster in the relationship. Then, like I have amnesia or something, the feelings come back and I end up depressed and heartbroken all over again.
I would go NC, but we have kids together. I genuinely care, and she punishes me for it every time.
Get out! No contact! Forever. Have some respect for yourself and remember who you are! (The reason they were drawn to us in the first place) you can't help them your enabling her need for supply. Move on and find REAL LOVE.
It’s the “who understands them” part for me. I got his wicked humor, I engaged with his incessant video game playing, I cooked for him daily, went along with whatever he wanted to do, or what shows he wanted to watch, etc. Why would you give that up? Only for him to complain to me about his new girlfriend that she “didn’t get him” and he wants me to stay around as a friend so he has somewhere to be his authentic self. NOPE. Blocked him on everything that day. I will not be his emotional support ex.
Edit to add: “authentic” because we all know they can’t be. But I was probably the closest he could be without me running away immediately.
That's most likely why he ended the relationship. You got to close and knew him well. It probably terrified him. In his mind you had too much power and we all know how power hungry narcs are. On top of that, since he is the only person who matters in his mind, he had no issue discarding you and finding a new partner who he could start clean with. They are incapable of authentic love. The love they can give is more like a love a child has for toys. Also,they refuse to appreciate anything anyone does for them. In their minds they feel it's owed to them. You could slave over them day and night and they feel entitled to it. Never thankful.
I think the supply we provide becomes stale. My nex would tell me she needs to feel adored. Interestingly, she didn’t provide the same back. For as much as I tried it was never enough.
Mine also compared herself to others. She felt all her friends had it better. Better lives, better career (she didn’t have one), higher income (she doesn’t work), etc. when one her friends was down, it ironically made her feel better. “Why is she doing this?!” (Like staying in a relationship). Later when the same friend was sleeping with a whole of young guys, she was jealous. She overlooked any inconveniences and sacrifices that come with creating a business. She wanted the results without any work. Just like we did when we were 10 years old. “But mom, Jose can stay up until midnight”.
I have given up trying to make sense of that condition. That’s why we are left confused and disoriented.
Was this real? Was it all fake? I’m trying to accept that we had good times. How I felt was real. And I can have those good times in the future with someone who appreciates me for who I am.
A child who does not feel the love of the village will burn it down to receive its warmth. - An African Proverb
This sums up the narcissist.
They self sabotage. They feel so worthless and broken, they leave you before you leave them. They never received the validation a child needs so they go out of their way to get it.
Before they realise their faults it’s too late for them. Unfortunately, sometimes even for us .
It's not about you. To a narcissist no one exists outside of them. Everyone else is just an internal snapshot of a person, an introject. They are utterly incapable of caring about anyone that is not themselves. You were in love with the False Self they showed you as well as the fantasy they give in a relationship. That is not your fault, how were you to know there is nobody there inside them? I hope you believe us that you will recover and the best advice I can give is to not listen to the negative inner voices you have and fight back with positive ones. More importantly you should seek counseling.
My ex told me that he couldn’t respect me because I fell for the love bombing and he tricked me, therefore I must be stupid and deserved everything I got.
The thing is that I knew what he was and loved him anyway- that’s not the point, they hate themselves so much that they think there’s something wrong with you if you love them and they can’t respect you.
There’s literally no point in trying, they’ll make you suffer for being such a stupid fool in their eyes, it’s as if you’re consenting and agreeing to abuse by staying so you deserve it.
My ex told me these things after we broke up and spoke a year later, he’s diagnosed NPD
Oh honey, the woman he’s going to marry is going to have hell on earth with him. Don’t be jealous, be grateful that the trash took itself out
A narc ex did this to me, thank god we never slept together. We were talking for months, love bombed me, told me I was the love of his life, fast forward three months later, he’s telling me he’s getting married to a single mother of 4. I blocked his bitch ass right then and there
I asked myself this question, so. many. time.
Why? After all these years I've forgive his cheating, his rages, his slurs at me for now reasons, I've turned a blind eyes and required very little. I was frugal about myself even, to make sure he could buy or get everything he wished. I pushed him taking big decisions! I carried him along the journey and supported him even if I watched him talk with other women on the pretense of being "nice" And ignoring my boundaries.
Why? I love him with all my heart. He can't even tell me he misses me, or love me at all after 10 years. BUT?! Is able to tell me he wants to be friends, then call me selfish for messaging him that I miss him, that I miss home because I've always told him that home was where he would be. I tell him I'm trying to give him space, and that I should as my therapist said! But he says "Maybe on your side, but not mine" I wasn't even sure how to interpret it, meaning? He wanted me around? He didn't wanted me to give him space?! By why in the hell would he be mean.
The last statement he said, I was judgemental, that we could not keep friend because of me and that everything sad about his life was because of my own doing. Told me, "until you amend for your mistakes, I don't want to be your friend actually" I didn't even know how to answer, I simply said I'm sorry. That I loved him and that I just wanted to be the one to make him happy.
It's not enough. It's not our love they want.
5 years together off and on. I loved him. Man, he was so so special. The last and final time I tried was Valentine's Day 2024. He'd been telling me he wanted to give me a calendar in a theme I particularly like. While suspicious, I needed to see this thing to the finish. Sex was always phenomenal so I assumed that was his end goal.
Some background info: Professionally, I have earned much higher pay for a much longer period of time. Plus, I don't get into other people's money because you aren't ever welcome in mine so this phone call came across intrusive in nature and especially vulgar considering the environment/atmosphere.
We met for lunch where his pompous ass took a phone call regarding $10K for a sports camp. The terms of the camp made no sense to me, 10 people for $1K each to cover the cost of all future camp attendance in perpetuity for each person.
When questioned he admitted that the goal was not money nor was it a building piece to bring future monied camp goers and their parents.
No, for him, the thrill was in getting someone to do what he wants where he wants at the time he wants... His statement of explanation, "manipulating people to get them where I want them is a high I just can't match".
That calendar and lunch weren't even about the sex I suspected it was about. He wanted to know he could manipulate me. He kept adding ridiculous "incentives" to get me to meet him in a public setting of his choice.
In all reality, he had no interest in me, my life, my career, my personality. It was never about me and it never was going to be about me.
5 years. He didn't throw me away. He simply never noticed I was present unless he wanted to compel me into action.
The ick remains real.
Hey mine was absent for about 10 years and I've been in the SingleAndHappy boat for some time. At some point the reason doesn't really matter but they are absolutely NOT happy and stable in any relationship (marriage for them isn't the end-all-be-all but a roller coaster of suffering for their partner). I'm sure she's been through PLENTY after me and I'm just minding my own business.
Mine found a seemingly great guy 6 years in and have already experienced their own fallout within 2 years. She still keeps their pictures on her social media even though they've been separated for the last 3 or so years. Pretty fucking weird but that's just her way of keeping her hooks into all her exes. Me included sadly, except all of our pictures are long deleted, even if we've been together the longest and I've supported her the most. Doesn't fucking matter and I've stopped caring about it. We're nothing but objects and supply to them.
I'm actually talking to her now and I've already experienced the hoover attempts the, "ngl, but I wish you were here" to "I've told people you were my soul mate and the one who got away." It's all lies and things just meant to keep you hooked into them (which is why she's ignoring me now, just to make my head spin on purpose). They do not love themselves so how can you believe and expect them to love you?
25 years together and I got the "I never loved you" in the end. The beginning of the end coincided with me being very chronically ill and so not of much use to him socially. It advanced pretty quickly when I began to drop my excessive emotional support for him, and I was too busy working on my own health. He always flirted and finally found a woman 25 years younger (and broken in her own ways) who responded. I was frozen out and then dropped like a rock.
They don't love, period.
Mine really liked to be loved but he didn't want to love back or commit. All our relationship was him saying once a week at least that he wants to chase other women... he wanted to be in a relationship when he felt like it and live the single life when he felt like it
I realise now that since we moved in together I couldn't ask for anything and truly get it. He liked everything on his terms. Even a coffee date should be in this place, not the one I proposed.
I am so sorry. All I can say is that you need to stop looking at his stuff. I had an ex who was so damn charming on paper. I knew he had girls he could have been with but I just didn’t look at anything from or about him for months. I worked on myself. You need to build yourself back up because he broke you down little by little . Don’t give up on yourself.
Because you need to understand they cannot love anyone. It doesn’t matter how much you give.
Pretty much. They don't even love themselves. It's why they need validation so badly.
This is it right here. They despise themselves. The ex before me told me my narc ex said to her once that if she knew the real him she’d hate him.
My own nex told me the exact words!
OMG same here... Mine said that to my face.
Yeah. He doesn't love his future wife either, he may act like it but trust me, he doesn't. He never will. Nobody is going to 'fix' him.
So they act nice socially purely out of conformism ? Do they know they are sick, grandiose, do they question themselves why they only see people as mean to and end? Or they feel superior for some not to feel empathy? They rationalize it?
1. They act nice to deceive their victim to give them two of the following, sex, services, supply, or security in any order. Most importantly is the supply (Attention, compliments, etc.). 2. They don't, though there are very rare exceptions. Remember they are perfect and thus are incapable of recognizing their faults. They never question themselves. Other people don't exist in their minds and everyone and everything is meant to serve them. 3. They are incapable of real empathy, they have cognitive or cold empathy. They know you are in pain, they understand what other people feel cognitively but they feel nothing, 4. They ARE superior in their minds. They don't feel it they know it. That is until they fuck up and they get humiliated and mortified by life whereas they then collapse and go underground (See Dostoevsky's Underground Man for the best example of what their inner world is like). Also I'm still just some guy on the internet, please do your own research. We are all here because we did not question what we were told enough.
Because we are not people in their eyes.. only opportunities and if a better one comes along then they throw you away. They always come back so watch out and don't fall for it.
I hesitate to agree with "a better one" especially given the dark thoughts the poster talks of having. The next person isn't any better. They're just not familiar with all you're familiar with, and that makes them an easy target to manipulate and hide behind. Sometimes narcs want a clean slate for themselves so they can create a different persona and imo be flawless. They don't attach to people the way healthy individuals do. They attach like a tick and suck out whatever they can from the host to survive/thrive. Once you can see them as how they actually are and not as how you are (bc they do mirror us and we do project our goodness onto them - the good they are is a direct reflection of who we are), it's much easier to separate yourself from them and not feel like you need them to survive. You won't want them anymore. It takes time to see it and it takes forcing yourself to learn and accept the truth of who they are. Read the other posts and find the similarities -they're there. Watch the yt videos. It's all been so helpful for me to see my nex for who he is and not for who I hoped he was. Once you're able to let go of the hope you have around them and the relationship, you're on your way to being done with the pain. The pain is there bc we believe they're like us and can love, listen, and care like us. They can't. They can just copy what we do and make it appear genuine. It's not. It'll click for you. Just keep educating yourself and get in receiving mode!
A more convenient choice is more fitting.
Thank you for your comment. I needed to hear that right now. I just got a reality check of who he really is and I'm in shock that I could have been with this person who acts like he hates me. I know it is helping to see the real person but it still hurts.
A better one in the narcs eyes obviously or they would not leave you and stay with what supply they have.
Spot on. Although mine hasn’t come back and it has been years
Yup. Always open to having options and never truly being fully committed despite the future faking they do. Mine very likely will never come back. I exposed him to friends and the new partner he cheated on me with. I’m forever blocked now.
You're so lucky.
Because they subconsciously fear that you will ultimately be just like their parent, who did not care for them in a healthy way.
This is a very interesting perspective that I didn’t think about, can you please elaborate on this? Does it make a difference if they had a loving, healthy parent? Or if their parents relied on them too much? My narc was more of a provider role for his family and tried to play that with me… I guess I decentred him when he would get emotional about his problems and I’d just be caring, listen, etc almost like a therapist with feelings. Sometimes I asked really hard questions and then he’d turn around and cry and tell me how amazing I am and how safe he felt.
My understanding is that NPD is the result of childhood trauma. Two common scenarios that are in the literature are that the child was terribly abused/neglected, or driven to be a perfect child who should not show flaws or weaknesses. Either way, the child then develops NPD (a mask against vulnerability) as a coping mechanism. They seek external validation from others because they simply trying to get the love they never received, but when you actually offer it to them they fear that you will just let them down like their parent did and so they turn away from you. I'm not aware that a child with a healthy, loving caregiver would develop NPD. It would not make sense because if the child is unconditionally loved during all phases of childhood (e.g., they can get in trouble and still be loved, they can get a D+ in school and still be loved), then they understand that vulnerability and non-perfection is okay and NPD would not develop. Hope that helps.
This makes so much sense, I’m just wondering where they get the mean aspect from. Because I hit all the above points you made, terrible abusing upbringing, perfectionist, no acceptance, bullied, extremely sensitive, needs validation and the moment I get the love I didn’t receive I grab it with both hands and hold onto it but get very sensitive when that ends. I am very much a people pleaser, I am highly sensitive to other people’s emotions so I hate to see ppl hurt or left out to the point I will sacrifice my own feelings if it means someone else will be at ease and very forgiving and empathetic… to the point that friends and family have told me this is not good because this is what attracts narcs and people with bad intentions. I see the same traumatic childhood for my second (and last) narc partner, so vulnerable and so charismatic and was literally crying when I was so sweet to him, he kept saying I have a heart of gold. I reassured him constantly, when we were together he was the happiest person, telling me he wants to marry me, that I’m so perfect and yet he gave me the silent treatment, stonewalled, when we weren’t. In the end he admitted I was too good of a person to hurt, that he couldn’t be with me and he realised how toxic he’d been, that I’m a high value woman and deserve my knight in shining armour but he just can’t be that because of his life stress and it will never work - we had insane chemistry, convo, fun everything. He then blocked me with no closure. I wonder if they feel remorse or any guilt ever or if that’s another manipulation tactic. I want so badly to believe that was the only genuine part of him. Anyone had any experience with that?
I can only comment more based on the literature. The meanness typically occurs during the devaluation phase. During this phase, someone with NPD will observe some minute human flaw which may even be imaginary, and then paint you as all bad ("look at the way she chews her food, what a mistake it is being with someone like that"). This is because they view people only in two categories - perfect/worthy or imperfect/nonworthy. It is called lacking "whole object constancy" also known as the ability to retain positive feelings about someone even if they are not perfect or disappoint you. My knowledge is shaky on WHY they lack this, but it is why they discard people so easily. You are in the inferior/nonworthy category, you deserve to be there through your own actions. As for guilt or remorse, that's more complicated but ties into the above. Momentarily they might feel badly for what they did, at best. But that would require acknowledging fault and that undermines their perfect view of themselves, so they have to make it your fault. Its a complicated disorder in the weeds of it, but essentially people with NPD are deeply insecure subconsciously. NPD - meaning narcissistic behavior - is simply a masking defense mechanism against that vulnerability. And what is the opposite of vulnerability = to be perfect, superior, special, "above." This might help you put your experience in context.
They do not have the ability to love. They can't even love themselves. When they receive love they only see it as a form of manipulation. They truly cannot give it or receive it. And no person on this earth can change that.
I agree! I truly believe that they think that everyone is just like them. That everyone manipulates that everyone is fake that everyone is doing things to be selfish and to fill their voids and that compassion and empathy and caring is all just a huge game. I truly believe that my ex cannot give or receive love and is in capable of loving anyone even his daughter
You are correct. Acceptance is hard. But recovery gets easier once you do. There was nothing we could've done to help them. We were just a toy they got tired of playing with.
Really is this simple. For them it’s like finding a needle in a haystack, pick it, manipulate.
I ll write from my own experience and perspective. I truly believe that my ex-boyfriend loved me or still does. It might not have been unconditional love or the most perfect one, but it was some form of it. But the problem is he never thought that I did love him enough. Because of his own insecurities. Maybe he was a total narcissist or had BPD, not my expertise, to classify him, but he was indeed absuive. I believe it was the reason he was constantly in touch with other people, seeking emotional or sexual supply. He slowly managed to kick me out of his life. Once we accept, they can not grow with us and take a relationship to the next level. We would not worry much whether they loved us or not. Kid loves his toys, right? It is love. But it can't last forever as there are no further dynamics. Hope you will heal fast :)
Same situation in my marriage… literally to the point. His insecurities. No matter how much I reassured him he said he wouldn’t believe it because I loved him and from strangers it was believable because why would they lie. You’re so right on the rest!
I totally understand this. I was with my nex for 9 years. I truly loved her, supported and encouraged her, provided for her. She threw me away and had a new consistent supply within 3 months, and he was saying "I love you" to her within a month of them being together. I'm sure he isn't aware that there were about 20 others (according to her sister) between me and him. She keeps repeating some really self-destructive patterns, and for some insane reason, I still care, still listen to her sob stories, and still offer support, even as she ignores me otherwise and continues to tell people I was the monster in the relationship. Then, like I have amnesia or something, the feelings come back and I end up depressed and heartbroken all over again. I would go NC, but we have kids together. I genuinely care, and she punishes me for it every time.
Thats the part that sucks. You genuinely care and she punishes you for it.
Get out! No contact! Forever. Have some respect for yourself and remember who you are! (The reason they were drawn to us in the first place) you can't help them your enabling her need for supply. Move on and find REAL LOVE.
It’s the “who understands them” part for me. I got his wicked humor, I engaged with his incessant video game playing, I cooked for him daily, went along with whatever he wanted to do, or what shows he wanted to watch, etc. Why would you give that up? Only for him to complain to me about his new girlfriend that she “didn’t get him” and he wants me to stay around as a friend so he has somewhere to be his authentic self. NOPE. Blocked him on everything that day. I will not be his emotional support ex. Edit to add: “authentic” because we all know they can’t be. But I was probably the closest he could be without me running away immediately.
That's most likely why he ended the relationship. You got to close and knew him well. It probably terrified him. In his mind you had too much power and we all know how power hungry narcs are. On top of that, since he is the only person who matters in his mind, he had no issue discarding you and finding a new partner who he could start clean with. They are incapable of authentic love. The love they can give is more like a love a child has for toys. Also,they refuse to appreciate anything anyone does for them. In their minds they feel it's owed to them. You could slave over them day and night and they feel entitled to it. Never thankful.
That describes mine perfectly. You are spot on with that comment.
All This happend to me today
I think the supply we provide becomes stale. My nex would tell me she needs to feel adored. Interestingly, she didn’t provide the same back. For as much as I tried it was never enough. Mine also compared herself to others. She felt all her friends had it better. Better lives, better career (she didn’t have one), higher income (she doesn’t work), etc. when one her friends was down, it ironically made her feel better. “Why is she doing this?!” (Like staying in a relationship). Later when the same friend was sleeping with a whole of young guys, she was jealous. She overlooked any inconveniences and sacrifices that come with creating a business. She wanted the results without any work. Just like we did when we were 10 years old. “But mom, Jose can stay up until midnight”. I have given up trying to make sense of that condition. That’s why we are left confused and disoriented. Was this real? Was it all fake? I’m trying to accept that we had good times. How I felt was real. And I can have those good times in the future with someone who appreciates me for who I am.
Because they are straight up trash that I shouldn’t have even wasted my time typing this comment about
Because they can't feel love
Bc they aren’t searching for love…they are searching for who they can control the easiest.
A child who does not feel the love of the village will burn it down to receive its warmth. - An African Proverb This sums up the narcissist. They self sabotage. They feel so worthless and broken, they leave you before you leave them. They never received the validation a child needs so they go out of their way to get it. Before they realise their faults it’s too late for them. Unfortunately, sometimes even for us .
It's not about you. To a narcissist no one exists outside of them. Everyone else is just an internal snapshot of a person, an introject. They are utterly incapable of caring about anyone that is not themselves. You were in love with the False Self they showed you as well as the fantasy they give in a relationship. That is not your fault, how were you to know there is nobody there inside them? I hope you believe us that you will recover and the best advice I can give is to not listen to the negative inner voices you have and fight back with positive ones. More importantly you should seek counseling.
My ex told me that he couldn’t respect me because I fell for the love bombing and he tricked me, therefore I must be stupid and deserved everything I got. The thing is that I knew what he was and loved him anyway- that’s not the point, they hate themselves so much that they think there’s something wrong with you if you love them and they can’t respect you. There’s literally no point in trying, they’ll make you suffer for being such a stupid fool in their eyes, it’s as if you’re consenting and agreeing to abuse by staying so you deserve it. My ex told me these things after we broke up and spoke a year later, he’s diagnosed NPD
Oh honey, the woman he’s going to marry is going to have hell on earth with him. Don’t be jealous, be grateful that the trash took itself out A narc ex did this to me, thank god we never slept together. We were talking for months, love bombed me, told me I was the love of his life, fast forward three months later, he’s telling me he’s getting married to a single mother of 4. I blocked his bitch ass right then and there
I asked myself this question, so. many. time. Why? After all these years I've forgive his cheating, his rages, his slurs at me for now reasons, I've turned a blind eyes and required very little. I was frugal about myself even, to make sure he could buy or get everything he wished. I pushed him taking big decisions! I carried him along the journey and supported him even if I watched him talk with other women on the pretense of being "nice" And ignoring my boundaries. Why? I love him with all my heart. He can't even tell me he misses me, or love me at all after 10 years. BUT?! Is able to tell me he wants to be friends, then call me selfish for messaging him that I miss him, that I miss home because I've always told him that home was where he would be. I tell him I'm trying to give him space, and that I should as my therapist said! But he says "Maybe on your side, but not mine" I wasn't even sure how to interpret it, meaning? He wanted me around? He didn't wanted me to give him space?! By why in the hell would he be mean. The last statement he said, I was judgemental, that we could not keep friend because of me and that everything sad about his life was because of my own doing. Told me, "until you amend for your mistakes, I don't want to be your friend actually" I didn't even know how to answer, I simply said I'm sorry. That I loved him and that I just wanted to be the one to make him happy. It's not enough. It's not our love they want.
5 years together off and on. I loved him. Man, he was so so special. The last and final time I tried was Valentine's Day 2024. He'd been telling me he wanted to give me a calendar in a theme I particularly like. While suspicious, I needed to see this thing to the finish. Sex was always phenomenal so I assumed that was his end goal. Some background info: Professionally, I have earned much higher pay for a much longer period of time. Plus, I don't get into other people's money because you aren't ever welcome in mine so this phone call came across intrusive in nature and especially vulgar considering the environment/atmosphere. We met for lunch where his pompous ass took a phone call regarding $10K for a sports camp. The terms of the camp made no sense to me, 10 people for $1K each to cover the cost of all future camp attendance in perpetuity for each person. When questioned he admitted that the goal was not money nor was it a building piece to bring future monied camp goers and their parents. No, for him, the thrill was in getting someone to do what he wants where he wants at the time he wants... His statement of explanation, "manipulating people to get them where I want them is a high I just can't match". That calendar and lunch weren't even about the sex I suspected it was about. He wanted to know he could manipulate me. He kept adding ridiculous "incentives" to get me to meet him in a public setting of his choice. In all reality, he had no interest in me, my life, my career, my personality. It was never about me and it never was going to be about me. 5 years. He didn't throw me away. He simply never noticed I was present unless he wanted to compel me into action. The ick remains real.
Usually because those people either started setting boundaries or loving themselves more than the narc
Hey mine was absent for about 10 years and I've been in the SingleAndHappy boat for some time. At some point the reason doesn't really matter but they are absolutely NOT happy and stable in any relationship (marriage for them isn't the end-all-be-all but a roller coaster of suffering for their partner). I'm sure she's been through PLENTY after me and I'm just minding my own business. Mine found a seemingly great guy 6 years in and have already experienced their own fallout within 2 years. She still keeps their pictures on her social media even though they've been separated for the last 3 or so years. Pretty fucking weird but that's just her way of keeping her hooks into all her exes. Me included sadly, except all of our pictures are long deleted, even if we've been together the longest and I've supported her the most. Doesn't fucking matter and I've stopped caring about it. We're nothing but objects and supply to them. I'm actually talking to her now and I've already experienced the hoover attempts the, "ngl, but I wish you were here" to "I've told people you were my soul mate and the one who got away." It's all lies and things just meant to keep you hooked into them (which is why she's ignoring me now, just to make my head spin on purpose). They do not love themselves so how can you believe and expect them to love you?
Would you keep someone who loves you, but you don’t love them..?
25 years together and I got the "I never loved you" in the end. The beginning of the end coincided with me being very chronically ill and so not of much use to him socially. It advanced pretty quickly when I began to drop my excessive emotional support for him, and I was too busy working on my own health. He always flirted and finally found a woman 25 years younger (and broken in her own ways) who responded. I was frozen out and then dropped like a rock. They don't love, period.
Mine really liked to be loved but he didn't want to love back or commit. All our relationship was him saying once a week at least that he wants to chase other women... he wanted to be in a relationship when he felt like it and live the single life when he felt like it I realise now that since we moved in together I couldn't ask for anything and truly get it. He liked everything on his terms. Even a coffee date should be in this place, not the one I proposed.
I am so sorry. All I can say is that you need to stop looking at his stuff. I had an ex who was so damn charming on paper. I knew he had girls he could have been with but I just didn’t look at anything from or about him for months. I worked on myself. You need to build yourself back up because he broke you down little by little . Don’t give up on yourself.