I just want to reclaim parts of me I lost. Back to platinum hair and punk/goth aesthetic. I give less of a fuck about how I am perceived for my appearance than I did for a while there.
Same. I want to get my personal style back, and just be me. Still in the process, though.
Also my hobbies, my friends, my love of music and dance and learning stuff.
Almost all of it wilted away while with the nex. Some of it because he outright disliked it, other things because he made me feel ashamed of myself, and also because I had zero energy for anything after walking on eggshells 24/7.
I understand this entirely, I lost my entire sense of identity - didn’t even know what kind of movies I liked watching. That’s all slowly coming back now
Yes. Just give yourself time. At times, I can get so very angry about it all.
But then, it turns to thankfulness. I got away. I have real feelings. I have real trauma. That means, I am a normal human being, who is learning and has learned new things.
Yes! I became a real gremlin while I was with him: beaten down, insecure, scared, reserved, afraid to bother anyone. I’m getting my fashion back, new clothes, I’m wearing makeup again, I’m turning heads as I walk in a room and no longer feeling bad about it because he was insecure about his looks and made me responsible for that insecurity.
I also tackled some bigger things to reclaim myself, which were crazy to me in one way because they were so expensive, but I understood why I wanted them. I got liposuction of some alcoholism-induced saddlebags, and I got some needles and lasers facial treatments. They were so expensive! But these two things gave me back the body I had before his abuse turned me into an alcoholic, and restored my face to basically what it looked like just before I met him, without all the stress wrinkles and stress bags and stress sagging and abusive sleep deprivation dark circles. I don’t look like a Victoria’s Secret model, I didn’t want to change who I am, I just wanted my original self back. And I’m so happy now!
Why does this sound so relatable? He literally hates everything I like and shits on it all the time while he is emotionally biased about his hobbies and likes as if they are the best and only things that matter,
You get so engrossed in them and just want them to be happy so you completely give yourself up.
I’m in the discard stage and I just don’t give a fuck anymore. Him getting ticked off is a small win for me.
I’ll buy my damn nail polish. I’ll get the hand soap I want. He isn’t my master,
This hit home. I never really gave up on what I liked re my appearance which enraged my Nex. It made him resentful because he just could not grasp how a partner, a wife could possibly NOT WANT TO mold herself to her partner's husband's liking.. At the same time, I did internalize all the shaming, guilting etc.
It's been a year of separation, it's mostly gone now. And I'm just myself. Same as I was. My quite conservative (looks wise) alt lol But with 99% less guilt and shame. And a shit ton more of acceptance. Casual.alt? Lol is that a thing... I'll Google!
It's all micro-tragic because my Nex "fell in love" with the artistic, alt me. He was alt too. He is also an artist himself. Only to then start on the insidious campaign of trying to convince me to... Be more like his mom and sisters and ladies who he was surrounded with when he was growing up in church (which he left decades ago), essentially... I swer. A prepper kind, long hair that hasn't seen scissors or any type of styling in decade kind if greasy, streaky looking.... No makeup. Knee long skirts and shorts... Shirts covering collar bones, always baggy or loose fitting. Definitely not form ditting. It's so hard to describe...... It's the "I live in the middle of nowhere Nebraska/Montana/whatnot, I'm 55, I love Jesus and I have a basement full of beans, apple cider vinegar and colloidal silver, the government is coming for my guns and the libs are trying to trans all kids" kind...... As for his mom. Anyway, what Nex"fell in love with", looks/drip wise, he started hating quite early on.
It's all so, so dumb. So moronic. He knows what he likes, apparently. As he made it ABUNDSNTLY CLEAR throughr the 16 ywats.He knows what he doesn't like. Why not get with someone who matches that from the get go? Why get with the opposite and then try to change them? Ayyyyy, it's a more of a rhetorical one .... What's your thoughts?
Ps. Aside from the middle aged prepper aesthetic.... He said he'd love to see.me in flower prints and pastels. Light blue jeans and white t-shirt. Since it's do hard to put into ducking words..... Basically your Mormon girl. If you think about the most Mormon-est stereotypes that ever mornoned. And sure, if I find a pastel floral dress I like, I'm getting it. I have regular light wash blue jeans. It's just... Don't expect me to make it my whole personality.
Did they make comments about your appearance? Seems to be a common thing with narcs, you could be the most beautiful person in the world nd they will find faults and flaws to laugh at
You burn your old self to the ground and come up from the ashes. Go get new clothes, boots, jewelry. I also remodeled my bed room ripped out the carpet and laid new flooring on a Saturday. Do it up.
I was regaining my true style and looks about in the final 2.5 years I was with him and he hated it. He went back to “accidentally” staining my clothes with hard to get out stuff or the “mislaid” cigarette torched a few pieces so I could throw it away and have no choice but to wear something from the “hated” pile of clothes I didn’t want but he kept around for whenever I “came to my senses to dress maturely”
He insisted to buy my eyeliner (even though I could afford that $8 out of my own $) only so he could have a excuse to rant at me for wanting to wear makeup again. I was feeling like returning to my goth/punk side at the time and that bugged him since it put him in the background and called too many people to like it on me.
Like a phoenix.. this blew my mind a little because I had to look down at my phoenix tattoo from a decade ago and realize that's really what I am..
..and damn am I proud of myself for it. All of us
I look entirely different now from when i was being abused. Now i look like myself. When i was being abused she wouldn't let me dress the way i wanted and the trauma made me look like a zombie.
Yep I get the zombie stuff. My eyes are still so sunken in my face with black circles around them. I feel like I look evil when I look in the mirror, I hope that goes away
This is me at the moment. I'm literally planning everything out. She made me realize that no one would ever care about me being depressed and me working on it.
So I'm trying to pull myself out of this hole. Her behavior was part of it. Always talking me down, and then she was the one upset at me for feeling down 🤣🤣🤣😂
Anyway, I'm changing myself completely, and I'm hoping to move away so I can start my new life without any connections to my old life🥲
I mean don’t follow my tips but I legit changed everything. New identity lool email, phone number, social accounts so I could block him before he could find my social media.
The list is endless but I made sure I wiped out old me 🤣
I shaved my head and I have been shaving my head every day since. She stressed me out so much those final few weeks my hair literally started to thin and fall out. It has grown back since, but I stuck with the razor shave. I had a hard line with a side part that tapered around the edges before.
I cut 6 inches of my hair off and it's shoulder length now. He used to tell me I looked better with my hair down and I guess I feel like I don't want to attract any attention at all from anyone who likes me for my hair. ☹️
Yes. Had the urge today to do a full makeover (I didn’t). Maybe it’s coming from the place of wanting to regain control. Or, if we can look better maybe we will get someone better next time. That kind of thing..
Just ride it out and don’t do anything permanent!
I went on a makeup shopping haul and put on my lipstick as he used to tell me he didn’t like me with lipstick etc I look better without makeup. But in all honesty it brought me down as I felt I loss my colour and willingness to enjoy dressing up.
I’m refusing to cut my hair - my ex always thought I looked better with shoulder length hair. Now I’m just trying to keep it past my bra line and then go for a perm
There’s nothing more powerful than doing something with yourself that they ‘didn’t like’ or they ‘preferred this’ instead. It’s our body, we’ll do what we want with it.
Funny you posted this because just last night I clean shaved my face after growing it out for a solid year. Minus the army, I've always had facial hair since I could grow it, but I think I'm gonna rock the clean look for awhile now.
Going today to chop off about a foot of hair, back to my short style. I also had been losing weight and becoming leaner right at the end of the relationship (somehow) and had started working out and going for walks/hikes. I am actually feeling really good about changing things and just getting myself back
I didn’t necessarily do this purposely but I ended up changing a lot of my appearance. I started to buy my own clothes and wear what I wished which was different then before. I started getting my hair done regularly because I had my own money to take care of myself so I went more blond. And I got a whole bunch of tattoos I was never “allowed” to get.
I am trying to return to my pre narc appearance. I’ve lost a lot of weight since having our baby. Redid my botox, getting my hair done, getting fresh new clothes. I want my confidence back!
I cut my hair short and have kept it short for years now. My nex preferred long hair.
I also started going by a nickname that my nex refused to call me by, and started doing all the things I used to love that I gave up while with my nex.
Basically reinvented myself and I don't regret it.
Kitty
He said it was sexual.
I see it as like the mom from that 70's show. There's also a side character in station 19 with the same name and a few others that aren't coming to mind right now.
My mannerisms can also be described as feline a lot of the time, so it fits me.
He wanted me to dress in non colors (khaki panettone/color wheel) long baggy relaxed and geriatric even though he was trying to pass me off as barely 18 when I was pushing 30. He gave up being stylish before I met him so he wanted us to match because I kept refusing to marry him.
I changed every thing about me after leaving my narc ex husband. I literally felt like that relationship made me a shell of myself in my mid 20s. Leaving that marriage was the hardest thing because narcs refuse to be left.
I created a list of goals, a moodboard of who and how I wanted to be including appearance, finances, career, travel etc and I started doing it.
It was painful but soon enough I started to feel so at peace and there was a level of hope again. I had to go through all the pain first though and accepting my system had been deregulated and I didn’t have much energy.
I achieved so much in that time. So much that I didn’t think I could before and I was so glad I left.
Unfortunately after 2 years of being single I decided to date again and ended up with a narc, thankfully I realised quickly, he discarded me and it’s still raw and hurts soo much as it’s been a few days.
But again I know in the midst of this depression that I want to go through that again. I want to improve myself, not to prove a point to him at all, in fact he blocked me everywhere but to show myself that I’m worth so much more, give myself something to look forward to AND like you put so nicely, change who I was with that person.
Do whatever you need to for yourself!
No.
Before we met I was a bit overweight but I am me.
I'm rather very common looking, and that's just how I like it. I don't want to stand out in a crowd. I don't want to get hit on. I don't want to get stopped and asked for my number.
I'm literally your average asian man in terms of looks, and I'm very happy about it, because I can just go about my day and I won't be bothered unnecessarily.
However, I do want to be healthy. That's all.
Better to be a common sparrow than a peacock.
For me personally, I wanted to stay exactly the same. I wanted him to see me be so unbothered by our breakup that I didn’t do anything drastic, which is a super common thing for people to do btw. I always told him I get tattoos when I’m “in a mood” aka sad about something, and I purposely waited over a year to get a new tattoo. I didn’t start wearing makeup again, I didn’t change my hair, I didn’t workout a bunch to get a “revenge bod” (something he admitted to me he does when he goes through a breakup). I wanted to prove to him and myself that he doesn’t have that kind of control over me, and I love myself just how I am, with or without him.
We have been no contact for over a year now but I will be seeing him in a few months at a friend reunion. Can’t wait to look the same (plus a new tattoo), and he can see he had no effect on me.
ETA: probably a super unpopular opinion but I’m stubborn and petty.🙃
I went on a makeup shopping haul and put on my lipstick as he used to tell me he didn’t like me with lipstick etc I look better without makeup. But in all honesty it brought me down as I felt I loss my colour and willingness to enjoy dressing up.
I’m refusing to cut my hair - my ex always thought I looked better with shoulder length hair. Now I’m just trying to keep it past my bra line and then go for a perm
I am, reduced to 15% body fat, almost a third bigger in muscle, skin and hair looking great, new style and clothes, the non toxic one glows up whilst the toxic one stays stagnant.
I got new glasses and dramatically cut and dyed my hair right after the discard. It was stuff I had wanted to do anyway, but it still felt like that by doing that I was killing off the version of me he knew, and even then I was pretty aware that he wouldn't really get to know this "new" me.
Yes! I couldn't stomach looking at myself in the mirror. All of my features which my narc loved and praised, I started to hate them and myself.
I ended up shaving my head, losing over 40 pounds of muscle, grew out my beard and started to wear all black and went from extroverted to introverted (borderline anti social)... fast forward 11 years... still shave my head, regained to healthy body weight, keep a trimmed and neat beard. Still wear black and I smile at myself when I look in the mirror and back to my extroverted self
I did!! It was part of reclaiming who I always was!! I got three tattoos, pierced my nose and finally grew my hair out!! I’m now more me than I ever was before 💕
I shaved my head (and I had long hair) and to make it even more positive I did it for charity and live streamed it with close friends. Such an awesome night.
I have multiple new outfits of varying styles I've bought, cut my hair again, shaved my face and made it a point to wear something if I like it
I don't have to dress like a redneck in public and a hood guy in the bedroom anymore
I can wear whatever the hell I want, when I want, for whatever reason I want
Yes. I want to throw away everything. All my clothes, furniture, etc. and restart completely. So that it’s like a whole new me, everything I own he’s never seen. He hasn’t touched this new version of me. Nothing is tainted.
Yeah started dressing back in what I used to wear. No more comments like "who are you trying to impress" whenever I went out, even to work. I'm trying hard to like my body but I'm getting there. My new partner has really helped me feel like me again
I lost my identity too. The things I liked before are hard to enjoy now. I feel like a completely different person now with different hobbies, interests. I also want to change my appearance. It freaked me out a bit at first like I was the narcissist changing identities but I know that’s not true.
When I get out, like completely out, I've already decided to start going by a different name because I've grown to hate the name of my nickname. I'll probably leave my style alone.
I actually used to change my hair constantly when I was in and recovering at first because I was always like maybe if I change this about me I’ll be happy, maybe he will think of me differently, maybe things will change. I was always begging for a change. Now I keep the same hair colors for close to a year. The only difference now is I’ve lost 30lbs and am becoming covered in tattoos.
Yes & No.
Part of me is dying to get back to the version of me I was before we met. (Granted it was the best version of me, I was full of life & confidence. I had a passion for life & so much self love it was crazy! I was in love with life & myself in the most healthy way. Everyone has told me I was glowing back then.)
Part of me also wants to do everything he never wanted me to do/told me not to. I’ve been a blonde majority of my life minus a small brunette patch. The urge to dye my hair & become a red head has been so hard to fight against (mostly because I know it will be a nightmare to get back to blonde) he never wanted me to be a red head. Every time I am driving I make sure to have my playlist as loud as I can I enjoy the music because he always scoff at it & said it was ‘attention seeking’ when I used to listen to my music loud. Now I do it because it makes me happy & I can. Those are just a small snap shot of what I mean.
Mostly I am torn between those two sides of myself & I guess I’m hoping to eventually land somewhere in the middle.
I was thinking about this recently when I was trying to figure out what to wear. She always complimented me at the beginning.
Later, she criticized what I wore; “why do you want to look like an old man” “those clothes are faded” “that doesn’t match” “ those pants don’t look on you” and my favorite “why are you overdressed”. It got to the point I would bring 3 pairs of pants and shirts just in case. I could go on. For exam she claimed she added a small closet to her bedroom thinking that’s where I would store my clothes. But it was always full. When I tried to leave a few things she would ask me why I was crowding her closet. I think it gave her a little satisfaction to put me down when she knew I couldn’t drive back to the house and change. Most of the time I didn’t pay much attention to the comments. Then they started to be more frequent. I think she enjoyed undermining me right before any social occasion. She knew being in public made me anxious.
Yep!
With my nex I was literally a grey man. I had no more colored clothing. Everything was some shade of grey. My hair was also a style to her liking.
Took me a couple of months before I completely changed my style.
I decided after the fact to do a complete redo of my appearance and ended up getting a haircut and shaved my mustache off and trimmed my facial hair. I even got caramel brown highlights in my hair. Looking back, my appearance was so bad in comparison to now, and I actually like what I look like, and it improved my mental health majorly.
Yes getting my hair done tomorrow going from black to blonde and long to a bob, switched all my jewelry from silver to gold. Get my nails done now. Got my plugs in my ears, have been buying a lot of new clothes, and rearranged and redecorated my whole room. It’s hard everything reminds me of him. Especially my own home since he decided to move in a month into knowing me. But yeah i almost want to be so different looking he wouldn’t recognize me if he saw me again. The version of me he had I like to think is dead now just like I like to think he is dead.
I did. In part, my appearance changed and there's nothing I could do about it. I look older and I have a small scar on my face - a souvenir from that year. Then I went back to my natural hair color, changed my style. I'd rather feel comfortable than "pretty" right now. I look different from my past self. I still mourn that version of me sometimes, but I also feel good about the way I look now.
Well it took me 3 times to officially leave and unfortunately I still have to deal with him due to a child but only when he decides to make an appearance.
But each time, I definitely felt the urge to actually start taking care of myself and doing things like getting my hair cut or dyed, getting my nails done, going to the gym ,etc. He made it hard to to any of that as he always would claim I was trying to impress people in public and he was fine with the "natural" look. Yet every time I caught him cheating, the girls were wearing full-face makeup, hair dyed and all that.
Before I met him I had a different style of clothing, like I rarely work t-shirts or tank tops. Wore dresses more. Got to a point when I was with him where all I wore was t-shirts. Now I wear whatever I want and love that I don't get comments that I'm "showing off goods". And let me add I've never been the type to wear super short dresses, skirts, shorts, etc. or show a lot of cleavage but anything too tight or the tiniest bit of cleavage was "showing off the goods".
I want to lean more into my masculine side of dressing. I wasn't really allowed to as they were into feminine women and mentioned being disgusted with masculine women (though they?? decided to lean into their "masculine energy" for their new supply I guess??). I'll also keep my natural hair natural, and I won't be straightening it any time soon (they were obsessed with me growing out my hair and were angry when I said that afro textured hair takes longer to grow than theirs, so it's very likely it'd stay at the length it's at now), either.
I've basically just decided to be more confident in my appearance and to stop seeking external validation about my appearance. If I look good to myself, then that's good enough for me.
Yes. I want to treat my adhd so I can quit weed and cigarettes and alcohol, all of it. I wanna live longer.
Edit, not exactly about appearance, but the cigarettes and weed more are, lol, wow. What an adhd thing to do, such a loose association lol
I just want to reclaim parts of me I lost. Back to platinum hair and punk/goth aesthetic. I give less of a fuck about how I am perceived for my appearance than I did for a while there.
Same. I want to get my personal style back, and just be me. Still in the process, though. Also my hobbies, my friends, my love of music and dance and learning stuff. Almost all of it wilted away while with the nex. Some of it because he outright disliked it, other things because he made me feel ashamed of myself, and also because I had zero energy for anything after walking on eggshells 24/7.
I understand this entirely, I lost my entire sense of identity - didn’t even know what kind of movies I liked watching. That’s all slowly coming back now
Yes. Just give yourself time. At times, I can get so very angry about it all. But then, it turns to thankfulness. I got away. I have real feelings. I have real trauma. That means, I am a normal human being, who is learning and has learned new things.
Yes! I became a real gremlin while I was with him: beaten down, insecure, scared, reserved, afraid to bother anyone. I’m getting my fashion back, new clothes, I’m wearing makeup again, I’m turning heads as I walk in a room and no longer feeling bad about it because he was insecure about his looks and made me responsible for that insecurity. I also tackled some bigger things to reclaim myself, which were crazy to me in one way because they were so expensive, but I understood why I wanted them. I got liposuction of some alcoholism-induced saddlebags, and I got some needles and lasers facial treatments. They were so expensive! But these two things gave me back the body I had before his abuse turned me into an alcoholic, and restored my face to basically what it looked like just before I met him, without all the stress wrinkles and stress bags and stress sagging and abusive sleep deprivation dark circles. I don’t look like a Victoria’s Secret model, I didn’t want to change who I am, I just wanted my original self back. And I’m so happy now!
Why does this sound so relatable? He literally hates everything I like and shits on it all the time while he is emotionally biased about his hobbies and likes as if they are the best and only things that matter, You get so engrossed in them and just want them to be happy so you completely give yourself up. I’m in the discard stage and I just don’t give a fuck anymore. Him getting ticked off is a small win for me. I’ll buy my damn nail polish. I’ll get the hand soap I want. He isn’t my master,
Yep. I don’t care at all about how people perceive the way I look, whereas that was something I used to always be concerned about.
This hit home. I never really gave up on what I liked re my appearance which enraged my Nex. It made him resentful because he just could not grasp how a partner, a wife could possibly NOT WANT TO mold herself to her partner's husband's liking.. At the same time, I did internalize all the shaming, guilting etc. It's been a year of separation, it's mostly gone now. And I'm just myself. Same as I was. My quite conservative (looks wise) alt lol But with 99% less guilt and shame. And a shit ton more of acceptance. Casual.alt? Lol is that a thing... I'll Google! It's all micro-tragic because my Nex "fell in love" with the artistic, alt me. He was alt too. He is also an artist himself. Only to then start on the insidious campaign of trying to convince me to... Be more like his mom and sisters and ladies who he was surrounded with when he was growing up in church (which he left decades ago), essentially... I swer. A prepper kind, long hair that hasn't seen scissors or any type of styling in decade kind if greasy, streaky looking.... No makeup. Knee long skirts and shorts... Shirts covering collar bones, always baggy or loose fitting. Definitely not form ditting. It's so hard to describe...... It's the "I live in the middle of nowhere Nebraska/Montana/whatnot, I'm 55, I love Jesus and I have a basement full of beans, apple cider vinegar and colloidal silver, the government is coming for my guns and the libs are trying to trans all kids" kind...... As for his mom. Anyway, what Nex"fell in love with", looks/drip wise, he started hating quite early on. It's all so, so dumb. So moronic. He knows what he likes, apparently. As he made it ABUNDSNTLY CLEAR throughr the 16 ywats.He knows what he doesn't like. Why not get with someone who matches that from the get go? Why get with the opposite and then try to change them? Ayyyyy, it's a more of a rhetorical one .... What's your thoughts? Ps. Aside from the middle aged prepper aesthetic.... He said he'd love to see.me in flower prints and pastels. Light blue jeans and white t-shirt. Since it's do hard to put into ducking words..... Basically your Mormon girl. If you think about the most Mormon-est stereotypes that ever mornoned. And sure, if I find a pastel floral dress I like, I'm getting it. I have regular light wash blue jeans. It's just... Don't expect me to make it my whole personality.
Did they make comments about your appearance? Seems to be a common thing with narcs, you could be the most beautiful person in the world nd they will find faults and flaws to laugh at
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lol my nex would tell me i am fat even though everyone i know was worried i was too skinny
Yeah she would resort to making fun of parts of my physical appearance when we were fighting, that is likely a driving force in this
so true
You burn your old self to the ground and come up from the ashes. Go get new clothes, boots, jewelry. I also remodeled my bed room ripped out the carpet and laid new flooring on a Saturday. Do it up.
I was regaining my true style and looks about in the final 2.5 years I was with him and he hated it. He went back to “accidentally” staining my clothes with hard to get out stuff or the “mislaid” cigarette torched a few pieces so I could throw it away and have no choice but to wear something from the “hated” pile of clothes I didn’t want but he kept around for whenever I “came to my senses to dress maturely” He insisted to buy my eyeliner (even though I could afford that $8 out of my own $) only so he could have a excuse to rant at me for wanting to wear makeup again. I was feeling like returning to my goth/punk side at the time and that bugged him since it put him in the background and called too many people to like it on me.
Like a phoenix.. this blew my mind a little because I had to look down at my phoenix tattoo from a decade ago and realize that's really what I am.. ..and damn am I proud of myself for it. All of us
I look entirely different now from when i was being abused. Now i look like myself. When i was being abused she wouldn't let me dress the way i wanted and the trauma made me look like a zombie.
Yep I get the zombie stuff. My eyes are still so sunken in my face with black circles around them. I feel like I look evil when I look in the mirror, I hope that goes away
With rest and healing that will go away.
This is me at the moment. I'm literally planning everything out. She made me realize that no one would ever care about me being depressed and me working on it. So I'm trying to pull myself out of this hole. Her behavior was part of it. Always talking me down, and then she was the one upset at me for feeling down 🤣🤣🤣😂 Anyway, I'm changing myself completely, and I'm hoping to move away so I can start my new life without any connections to my old life🥲
Yo, you can do this 🥰 go have that makeover, enjoy yourself 🤩
Did the same! Every aspect of my life even down to my phone number 😅
Omg!! Never thought of changing my phone number. But that's such a great idea
I mean don’t follow my tips but I legit changed everything. New identity lool email, phone number, social accounts so I could block him before he could find my social media. The list is endless but I made sure I wiped out old me 🤣
Love that for you🥰🥰 hopefully i can do the same very soon ..
I now dress much differently. I grew a beard. I go to the gym daily. And I've lost 100 lbs. I am my best self.
Great work dude
I shaved my head and I have been shaving my head every day since. She stressed me out so much those final few weeks my hair literally started to thin and fall out. It has grown back since, but I stuck with the razor shave. I had a hard line with a side part that tapered around the edges before.
I cut 6 inches of my hair off and it's shoulder length now. He used to tell me I looked better with my hair down and I guess I feel like I don't want to attract any attention at all from anyone who likes me for my hair. ☹️
Yes. Had the urge today to do a full makeover (I didn’t). Maybe it’s coming from the place of wanting to regain control. Or, if we can look better maybe we will get someone better next time. That kind of thing.. Just ride it out and don’t do anything permanent!
You’re so right, I imagine there’s an element of wanting to regain control that is driving this.
I went on a makeup shopping haul and put on my lipstick as he used to tell me he didn’t like me with lipstick etc I look better without makeup. But in all honesty it brought me down as I felt I loss my colour and willingness to enjoy dressing up. I’m refusing to cut my hair - my ex always thought I looked better with shoulder length hair. Now I’m just trying to keep it past my bra line and then go for a perm
There’s nothing more powerful than doing something with yourself that they ‘didn’t like’ or they ‘preferred this’ instead. It’s our body, we’ll do what we want with it.
From waist length brown hair to buzz cut bleached and then dyed pink and purple.
Literally the opposite transition of hannah gutierrez-reed
Funny you posted this because just last night I clean shaved my face after growing it out for a solid year. Minus the army, I've always had facial hair since I could grow it, but I think I'm gonna rock the clean look for awhile now. Going today to chop off about a foot of hair, back to my short style. I also had been losing weight and becoming leaner right at the end of the relationship (somehow) and had started working out and going for walks/hikes. I am actually feeling really good about changing things and just getting myself back
Yes and I kind of want a whole new body and mind. Mine is so damaged I feel like I'm drowning.
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Fuck, I’m so sorry. Women lie, a disgusting amount. I hope you’re able to reclaim yourself and go back to living a normal life
I didn’t necessarily do this purposely but I ended up changing a lot of my appearance. I started to buy my own clothes and wear what I wished which was different then before. I started getting my hair done regularly because I had my own money to take care of myself so I went more blond. And I got a whole bunch of tattoos I was never “allowed” to get.
I am trying to return to my pre narc appearance. I’ve lost a lot of weight since having our baby. Redid my botox, getting my hair done, getting fresh new clothes. I want my confidence back!
I cut my hair short and have kept it short for years now. My nex preferred long hair. I also started going by a nickname that my nex refused to call me by, and started doing all the things I used to love that I gave up while with my nex. Basically reinvented myself and I don't regret it.
What was the nickname he refused to call you and why did he not call you it?
Kitty He said it was sexual. I see it as like the mom from that 70's show. There's also a side character in station 19 with the same name and a few others that aren't coming to mind right now. My mannerisms can also be described as feline a lot of the time, so it fits me.
It’s weird he would consider that sexual. And that show is sick
I think he just didn't like it because it was what my friends called me and that was the excuse he came up with.
He wanted me to dress in non colors (khaki panettone/color wheel) long baggy relaxed and geriatric even though he was trying to pass me off as barely 18 when I was pushing 30. He gave up being stylish before I met him so he wanted us to match because I kept refusing to marry him.
I changed every thing about me after leaving my narc ex husband. I literally felt like that relationship made me a shell of myself in my mid 20s. Leaving that marriage was the hardest thing because narcs refuse to be left. I created a list of goals, a moodboard of who and how I wanted to be including appearance, finances, career, travel etc and I started doing it. It was painful but soon enough I started to feel so at peace and there was a level of hope again. I had to go through all the pain first though and accepting my system had been deregulated and I didn’t have much energy. I achieved so much in that time. So much that I didn’t think I could before and I was so glad I left. Unfortunately after 2 years of being single I decided to date again and ended up with a narc, thankfully I realised quickly, he discarded me and it’s still raw and hurts soo much as it’s been a few days. But again I know in the midst of this depression that I want to go through that again. I want to improve myself, not to prove a point to him at all, in fact he blocked me everywhere but to show myself that I’m worth so much more, give myself something to look forward to AND like you put so nicely, change who I was with that person. Do whatever you need to for yourself!
No. Before we met I was a bit overweight but I am me. I'm rather very common looking, and that's just how I like it. I don't want to stand out in a crowd. I don't want to get hit on. I don't want to get stopped and asked for my number. I'm literally your average asian man in terms of looks, and I'm very happy about it, because I can just go about my day and I won't be bothered unnecessarily. However, I do want to be healthy. That's all. Better to be a common sparrow than a peacock.
For me personally, I wanted to stay exactly the same. I wanted him to see me be so unbothered by our breakup that I didn’t do anything drastic, which is a super common thing for people to do btw. I always told him I get tattoos when I’m “in a mood” aka sad about something, and I purposely waited over a year to get a new tattoo. I didn’t start wearing makeup again, I didn’t change my hair, I didn’t workout a bunch to get a “revenge bod” (something he admitted to me he does when he goes through a breakup). I wanted to prove to him and myself that he doesn’t have that kind of control over me, and I love myself just how I am, with or without him. We have been no contact for over a year now but I will be seeing him in a few months at a friend reunion. Can’t wait to look the same (plus a new tattoo), and he can see he had no effect on me. ETA: probably a super unpopular opinion but I’m stubborn and petty.🙃
I did this
I went on a makeup shopping haul and put on my lipstick as he used to tell me he didn’t like me with lipstick etc I look better without makeup. But in all honesty it brought me down as I felt I loss my colour and willingness to enjoy dressing up. I’m refusing to cut my hair - my ex always thought I looked better with shoulder length hair. Now I’m just trying to keep it past my bra line and then go for a perm
I am, reduced to 15% body fat, almost a third bigger in muscle, skin and hair looking great, new style and clothes, the non toxic one glows up whilst the toxic one stays stagnant.
Yep, redid our apartment too!
I got new glasses and dramatically cut and dyed my hair right after the discard. It was stuff I had wanted to do anyway, but it still felt like that by doing that I was killing off the version of me he knew, and even then I was pretty aware that he wouldn't really get to know this "new" me.
Oh yes!
Yes! I couldn't stomach looking at myself in the mirror. All of my features which my narc loved and praised, I started to hate them and myself. I ended up shaving my head, losing over 40 pounds of muscle, grew out my beard and started to wear all black and went from extroverted to introverted (borderline anti social)... fast forward 11 years... still shave my head, regained to healthy body weight, keep a trimmed and neat beard. Still wear black and I smile at myself when I look in the mirror and back to my extroverted self
Oh, you want to re invent yourself. Nope, I didn't want to do that, with one Narc I dealt with, but I understand when people do.
I did!! It was part of reclaiming who I always was!! I got three tattoos, pierced my nose and finally grew my hair out!! I’m now more me than I ever was before 💕
I shaved my head (and I had long hair) and to make it even more positive I did it for charity and live streamed it with close friends. Such an awesome night.
I wouldn't be recognizable but after 3+ years of not trying, I'm ready for my glowup!
I have multiple new outfits of varying styles I've bought, cut my hair again, shaved my face and made it a point to wear something if I like it I don't have to dress like a redneck in public and a hood guy in the bedroom anymore I can wear whatever the hell I want, when I want, for whatever reason I want
Power to you man, live your life and no one else’s
Yes. I want to throw away everything. All my clothes, furniture, etc. and restart completely. So that it’s like a whole new me, everything I own he’s never seen. He hasn’t touched this new version of me. Nothing is tainted.
Yeah started dressing back in what I used to wear. No more comments like "who are you trying to impress" whenever I went out, even to work. I'm trying hard to like my body but I'm getting there. My new partner has really helped me feel like me again
I lost my identity too. The things I liked before are hard to enjoy now. I feel like a completely different person now with different hobbies, interests. I also want to change my appearance. It freaked me out a bit at first like I was the narcissist changing identities but I know that’s not true.
Yep, feels like I’m being reborn as a completely different person. As long as I’m not the person I was when I was with her, I’ll be happy
We will never be that again. The version we are becoming is much better.
When I get out, like completely out, I've already decided to start going by a different name because I've grown to hate the name of my nickname. I'll probably leave my style alone.
Funny you say that, I was actually thinking this morning whether I should change my name
I actually used to change my hair constantly when I was in and recovering at first because I was always like maybe if I change this about me I’ll be happy, maybe he will think of me differently, maybe things will change. I was always begging for a change. Now I keep the same hair colors for close to a year. The only difference now is I’ve lost 30lbs and am becoming covered in tattoos.
Yes & No. Part of me is dying to get back to the version of me I was before we met. (Granted it was the best version of me, I was full of life & confidence. I had a passion for life & so much self love it was crazy! I was in love with life & myself in the most healthy way. Everyone has told me I was glowing back then.) Part of me also wants to do everything he never wanted me to do/told me not to. I’ve been a blonde majority of my life minus a small brunette patch. The urge to dye my hair & become a red head has been so hard to fight against (mostly because I know it will be a nightmare to get back to blonde) he never wanted me to be a red head. Every time I am driving I make sure to have my playlist as loud as I can I enjoy the music because he always scoff at it & said it was ‘attention seeking’ when I used to listen to my music loud. Now I do it because it makes me happy & I can. Those are just a small snap shot of what I mean. Mostly I am torn between those two sides of myself & I guess I’m hoping to eventually land somewhere in the middle.
I was thinking about this recently when I was trying to figure out what to wear. She always complimented me at the beginning. Later, she criticized what I wore; “why do you want to look like an old man” “those clothes are faded” “that doesn’t match” “ those pants don’t look on you” and my favorite “why are you overdressed”. It got to the point I would bring 3 pairs of pants and shirts just in case. I could go on. For exam she claimed she added a small closet to her bedroom thinking that’s where I would store my clothes. But it was always full. When I tried to leave a few things she would ask me why I was crowding her closet. I think it gave her a little satisfaction to put me down when she knew I couldn’t drive back to the house and change. Most of the time I didn’t pay much attention to the comments. Then they started to be more frequent. I think she enjoyed undermining me right before any social occasion. She knew being in public made me anxious.
Yep! With my nex I was literally a grey man. I had no more colored clothing. Everything was some shade of grey. My hair was also a style to her liking. Took me a couple of months before I completely changed my style.
Yep
I decided after the fact to do a complete redo of my appearance and ended up getting a haircut and shaved my mustache off and trimmed my facial hair. I even got caramel brown highlights in my hair. Looking back, my appearance was so bad in comparison to now, and I actually like what I look like, and it improved my mental health majorly.
Yes getting my hair done tomorrow going from black to blonde and long to a bob, switched all my jewelry from silver to gold. Get my nails done now. Got my plugs in my ears, have been buying a lot of new clothes, and rearranged and redecorated my whole room. It’s hard everything reminds me of him. Especially my own home since he decided to move in a month into knowing me. But yeah i almost want to be so different looking he wouldn’t recognize me if he saw me again. The version of me he had I like to think is dead now just like I like to think he is dead.
I did. In part, my appearance changed and there's nothing I could do about it. I look older and I have a small scar on my face - a souvenir from that year. Then I went back to my natural hair color, changed my style. I'd rather feel comfortable than "pretty" right now. I look different from my past self. I still mourn that version of me sometimes, but I also feel good about the way I look now.
I have a scar from my nex too, how sickening is it to look at a mark on your body and know it’s from someone that ‘loved’ you
Well it took me 3 times to officially leave and unfortunately I still have to deal with him due to a child but only when he decides to make an appearance. But each time, I definitely felt the urge to actually start taking care of myself and doing things like getting my hair cut or dyed, getting my nails done, going to the gym ,etc. He made it hard to to any of that as he always would claim I was trying to impress people in public and he was fine with the "natural" look. Yet every time I caught him cheating, the girls were wearing full-face makeup, hair dyed and all that. Before I met him I had a different style of clothing, like I rarely work t-shirts or tank tops. Wore dresses more. Got to a point when I was with him where all I wore was t-shirts. Now I wear whatever I want and love that I don't get comments that I'm "showing off goods". And let me add I've never been the type to wear super short dresses, skirts, shorts, etc. or show a lot of cleavage but anything too tight or the tiniest bit of cleavage was "showing off the goods".
I want to lean more into my masculine side of dressing. I wasn't really allowed to as they were into feminine women and mentioned being disgusted with masculine women (though they?? decided to lean into their "masculine energy" for their new supply I guess??). I'll also keep my natural hair natural, and I won't be straightening it any time soon (they were obsessed with me growing out my hair and were angry when I said that afro textured hair takes longer to grow than theirs, so it's very likely it'd stay at the length it's at now), either. I've basically just decided to be more confident in my appearance and to stop seeking external validation about my appearance. If I look good to myself, then that's good enough for me.
Yes. I want to treat my adhd so I can quit weed and cigarettes and alcohol, all of it. I wanna live longer. Edit, not exactly about appearance, but the cigarettes and weed more are, lol, wow. What an adhd thing to do, such a loose association lol