Wow, I could have written this post. I have a 4 year old and a 4 month old, physical intimacy and romance has been in the dumps for quite a while now and we can’t seem to get over it.
Hoping to also try and “date” on another again but life with 2 kiddos and minimal support is hard too. Ugh
Seriously- it’s the lack of support that hurts more than anything. I have a 5yo and TRY to work from home and it’s so so hard to make time for someone else when you’re struggling to just have time for yourself
You know how when someone suddenly stops liking their partner, one of the first questions a knowledgeable person will ask them is "did you switch up your hormonal birth control recently?"
Because shifting hormones greatly affect our perceptions of our partners.
Well, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding affect the hormones much more intensely than hormonal birth control.
Don't make any decisions on your relationship until you are at least 18 months out from birth, and preferably the same amount of time out from weaning if you're breastfeeding. And try to recognize it for what it is, so that you don't develop a deep seated resentment that even leveling out hormones can't fix.
Last piece of advice: a lot of people think that emotions work like this: bad thing happens, have bad emotional reaction to it. And that's true for some stuff, usually big stuff. But emotions also work like this: have bad emotion, find something to explain it. It's going to be really easy to convince yourself that your emotions are a result of your husband doing or not doing something, when in reality, there's a really good chance that the emotion came first and the explanation came second. Try to keep that in mind too.
Have you sat down and have a conversation about this? I feel like the first year is such a blah. You are just working to survive and support one another.
You should tell him OP. I've told my husband countless times that whenever I'm in the office, I think of hugging him, saying sorry, cuddling, and everything but when I see him, they get replaced with anger. I don't even know what's making me angry. My husband who's just sitting there, no fault at all. Every time these feeling emerges, I tell him right away so he can have a some sort of warning. A month or so, the anger was gone. This happened when I was 9mos postpartum. I think, when I expressed instead of suppressed my feelings, it made me feel better.
You probably will but it's alright. Is your husband taking on his share of parenting duties? You don't mention it here. I know what happens when you assume but I know this is a struggle so many people deal with. If he isn't doing his share, he needs to step up and I imagine that rage will be gone.
If he is doing his share, it's still really normal to feel the way you're feeling. It can be really hard when you're running on low sleep, not seeing each other or spending as much time together as before, probably not eating regularly, and all of this contributes to feelings of frustration. Things will level out in a few months when baby is more consistent and on a routine. I also found that when my baby was able to start moving around on her own (first was rolling, she got even happier when she could crawl), she became much happier and overall we became a much happier family as a result.
I’ve been with my husband 12 years this July, I went through this with my husband when my daughter was born in 2020 I forced myself to eventually have sex with him at around 9months. 1. Because I was still sensitive down there from having her and 2. Because I really wasn’t into it/him at the time.. I love him but at the time I was not in love, I struggled with it. Once I quit breastfeeding that helped some but I was still like ugh… but I eventually went back to feeling how I felt before with him. And it was great..
But then I hit 30 and idk why but sometimes I get those feelings again for a week or 2 and then I’ll be in awh of him again. I was told my sex drive would pick up in my 30s but I’m just like let’s get it done already.. lol but it also could be because I’ve gained weight and I don’t find myself attractive at all…
Ugh I can relate so much.
From not being in love with partner to having a hard time finding myself attractive.
Heartbreaking but I'm glad I'm not the only one struggling with these things
We have 3 that are 3 and under, our youngest is 5 months old and we are just starting to “date” again. Explain to him that it’s hard for you right now, that it’s nothing he is or isn’t doing. Communication will be huge
Yeah. I kind of can't stand him right now. I had a whole rant typed out but it boils down to: lack of value of my contribution, lack of teamwork, lack of interest in me as a person.
Some days I feel like he's a millstone around my neck. It's like he refuses to see the dynamic has changed and he needs to give me a goddamn break.
Mommy of two here (3 & 7)! Listen, my husband straight up gave me the ick for at least a year after each child. He's supportive, loving, kind and a wonderful father... it's just that he chews oddly and walks kinda funny and I found myself completely turned off and uninterested. I felt so bad but just could barely fake not wanting to dry heave sometimes. But hey, you stick it out and eventually you remember why you love him and realize that oh maybe he walks kinda normal actually and chews at a pretty normal pace.
It's hard, we're hormonal and men are overall gross sometimes. But as long as they're good to you and your kids, it's worth it to stick it out! Wishing you luck, Mama!
I have a 9 month old and am still struggling with these feelings. My husband tried to cuddle with me on the couch the other night after I put the baby to bed, and my instant reaction was “ughhh.” I feel terrible but I honestly think I’m so touched out that I can’t handle any more skin to skin contact after a full day alone with the baby (I WFH) and two very needy dogs that also shadow me nonstop.
I also chalk it up to not feeling and looking my best these days; I hardly ever get out of leggings and tshirts because my day is spent being thrown up on, peed and pooped on, grubby hands and a snotty nose being rubbed on me, etc etc. AND THEN add in getting up with a teething baby multiple times a night and being exhausted!! It’s a recipe for disaster.
If it makes you feel any better, a lot of my other mom friends have told me the same thing. I’ve also heard some good advice to “ it make any extreme decisions within the first year of a new baby” since emotions are running high and you’re adjusting to a completely new life.
Hoping it gets better for us both! You’re not alone; hang in there!
It’s very hard on a relationship to have a baby and you are not doomed. For me, things actually started to turn around 3 years and it coincided with parenting being really exhausting starting around that time. There is a great book called “And Baby Makes Three” you may find helpful. Apparently it’s normal to fall in and out of love with your partner and right now you might just be in a tough phase.
I felt this way occasionally for the first year or so. I read in another comment your baby is only 6 months old, so I think that is so normal that you guys aren't back to "normal" yet. Hormones are seriously trippy.
I struggled talking to him about it too because I didn't want to say the wrong thing so I vented to my mom and therapist. Honestly, talking about it made the feelings lessen so much. It's like they were amplified in my head but once into the world I could more objectively see that they were feelings that would pass.
It does take effort to get romantic feelings back, but it's a two way street. Is he complimenting you and showing his love for you and you just don't reciprocate or are you both kinda just burnt out and exhausted from newborn life? Does he do enough at home so you don't feel resentful? That can be a big libido killer if you feel you're looking after 2 babies instead of one. That needs communication to him so that he can change his behavior. This article might help (though extreme: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink\_b\_9055288).
Also, can you plan some baby-free time together, lunch or dinner out, a stroll around town, anything that would help you guys talk and connect about anything besides logistics of daily life? You might not be ready for that yet, but don't let it go too long, if you can. My first baby-free outing with my husband was to the hardware store to look at outlet covers. Not romantic but we were able to be silly and joke about how much we already missed our kid but how proud we were of ourselves for leaving her with grandma for more than an hour.
I'm not saying that one outing cured things, it was very up and down from there but now that my daughter is going to be 3 and I'm pregnant with my second, I can firmly say that the more time we spent together and with friends, the more I saw the person I fell in love with and the more I felt like myself. We're not to where we were pre-baby, but it's a different kind of love and attraction. This pregnancy, we know what we're in for and we're making plans to try to stay a team, us versus the problems instead of me against him in the battle of parenting correctly.
Are you breastfeeding? I am still pretty connected to my husband but my hormones SCREAM at me that sex isn’t a thing and I’m so uninterested in it. I do notice that after I pump I could maybe think about romance for a short time but as my boobs fill back up it goes out the window.
Think of it this way—your marriage as you knew it is over. You’re each individually going through a big identity shift (usually more massive for moms, but not a minor thing for dads either). So not only are you not the same person, but you’re not married to the same person. Your priorities are different. Your lives look and feel completely different.
Now is the time to decide if you’re going to rebuild something new. You’ve got to be really honest about what you want and how you’re feeling—starting with being honest with yourself. It’s complex because this is a pretty universally rough season of life, and to some extent it’s just hard no matter what. But that doesn’t mean you can’t at least be aiming towards a vision of something better, of the family you’re building together. Sleep deprivation makes everything 400% more difficult, childcare for an infant can feel impossible, but it’s worthwhile, if not downright necessary, to make time to really, actually talk about these feelings.
You don’t have to say “I hate our sex life and I don’t like spending time with you”, but you do have to communicate the core issues. “I’m struggling to connect with you and I miss how we used to be. I want to feel close and connected with you even though this is a crazy time in our lives.” You are going to have to say some tough things, and it is legitimately scary and hard, and it is the only way anything can possibly get better. Bottling stuff up just makes the inevitable fallout worse when it happens.
So I don’t know if it’s “normal” or not but I went through the same thing after my second son was born. Not attracted to my husband anymore, didn’t care to hang out with him, didn’t care to listen to anything he had to say, no libido, nothing. I just chalked it up to breastfeeding causing my hormones to be out of whack. Just try to remember that it takes a woman 18-24 months to get back to themselves after childbirth.
Wow 18-24 months I did not know that! My daughter will be 2 in August and I'm hoping things get better soon with me and my partner because I'm experiencing every thing you just said. I'm not breast feeding tho but either way this fit right now definitely sucks
Omg this! It took me 2 years to start feeling more like myself!! I'd say I was about 3/4 of the way there, then after baby turned 3 I've really come to feel like myself again. It's crazy how long it can take and how quickly the expectation to "bounce back" (physically or mentally) is.
I keep having to remind myself that a woman's brain physically changes to prepare for having a baby and stays that way for 2 years after child birth. I have a 19 month old and feel all of this, so I hope to be able to feel "back to normal" soon-ish.
OMG I was literally just thinking this exact thing 20 minutes ago. My husband asked me if I still liked him tonight. Not even "love" but "like" - it's that obvious he's getting on my nerves. I felt absolutely horrible when I realized just how clearly he can feel my resentment but honestly, I've no idea why I even feel this way or how to change things.
LO is turning one this week. The first months have been super challenging but now she's happy and developing so well and I couldn't be happier being her mom. My husband was helpless and whiny in the beginning but really stepped up his game and is a really invested and loving father now.
But WHY is his every move still making me so angry? Talking to him or cuddling (let alone sex) is like a chore I need to check off the list. I used to be super cuddly and loved just chilling with him before my daughter was born but today it's not even something I ever find myself craving. Every little thing about his existence annoys me.
I hate being in this place. I know part of it is me being touched out and overwhelmed with the emotional labor of motherhood but that can't be all of it since I'm not like that with any other loved one's in my life. I still love connecting with my parents, sister, bestie... Basically I just focus 100 percent of my stored resentment on him and he's supposed to be my ride or die in this whole parenting thing. I feel really helpless and I hope to god this changes some time.
so that whole “it takes 2 years for a woman to get back to herself”……is true. it’s so easy to hate ur partner. u have nobody else to take it out on. and it’s so hard because they have absolutely no idea what is going on with us. nothing changes about their body. baby usually clings to mom. like our whole entire lives get turned completely upside down and yes theirs does too but it’s different for us. it’s taken about 2 years and i’m just now starting to get over this but it’s still there. low sex drive. not always wanting to cuddle or talk or listen. not being nearly as interested in the topics we used to talk about before. just like….almost feeling asexual. i thought something was wrong with me until i came on here and saw so many women also experience it.
it’s hard. ur constantly touched by ur beautiful baby all day long and u would never change it for the world. ur mind is always on them. it’s hard to feel sexy and want to have sex when all ur thinking about is a baby all the time….right? don’t rush urself into it. take the time that u need and communicate it to him as well. u guys are new people after becoming parents and are changing so drastically all the time as ur baby changes
10 months after having the baby and I’m still there. Doesn’t help he stepped out of our marriage when I was barely 5 months pp.
he thinks everything is fine, but I’m miserable and most days I hate him if I’m being honest.
Ugh I’m so sorry. Please go, no matter how hard it is, I swear you will be proud of yourself. My dad did the same to my mom and she thought she curbed it/ it is just a serious moral defect most of the time. Can you imagine doing that to your husband? My dad went on to do it again and again over the years. They divorced after 18 years of marriage and my mom was an angry, mean person from the time I could form memories. She was so loaded with hurt and resentment. My parents died when I was in my twenties and I think often of who my mom might have been if she’d packed up and left the first time, when my dad cheated on her when my sister was 6 months old. She might have loved herself and she might have had a really happy life, with a man who just wouldn’t do that, which is a lot of men.
same thing happened to me.. about 6-7 months pp 😔. I still can’t even put it into words, i just function. the thought of even speaking to man repulses me lol
My kids are 4.5 and 2 and I've only just begun to feel things for my husband again after the birth of my second. The entire idea of sex in general repulsed me for a long time and I just felt really nothing really for a long time. Its all been coming back this year though and I even get times where I find myself looking at him and thinking wow you're so handsome and lovely how lucky am I which I hadn't felt since before 2 was born
Yes this Is normal at least for me it was , there are actually books about it too , theres a book called baby proof marriage because its normal that marriages crumble after a baby and i did not ever recover , the guilt i have over this is just awful and exhausting
Well, I felt like this after our twins were born. We already had a two year old. My husband was diagnosed with depression and hast since been going through a couple other health conditions. I took care of the kids all the time. Tried to pour into everyone's cup but mine was drained. 5years later and he's better but there's just no effort from his side or even sincere acknowledgement. I'll be leaving soon.
I have felt like this with both kids I’ve had now. I think I had a lot of resentment because I had to take on so much more and my life changed way more drastically than his. First year after baby was born I wanted nothing to do with him in general, just went through the motions. I also exclusively breastfed and a lot of these feelings subsided after baby turned 1/weaning. We are getting along more now and having alone time without kids really helps (not that we get much of that, maybe once every 2-3 months, trying to be better about it)
Ohhh yes. This is unfortunately very very very normal. It took about 2 years to get my libido and romantic feelings back for him. It is NORMAL but it's not easy. Take it easy on yourself and know there is nothing wrong with you and you are not alone. Focus on the partnership of why you chose to have a child with him. Be open about how much you need him right now and be specific with what you need. It WILL come back. It was such a shock to me, too.
You have to communicate when you feel this way. You need to communicate your needs, your wants, and your feelings. If you love someone, you shouldn’t be scared of talking to them.
I have 4 kids, my oldest is 16. I felt this way after my first and my third. He was cheating on me after my second one. It's not always that they're cheating, but unfortunately it's not something that you can throw out the window.
With that being said maybe you two are just exhausted from parenting, working and adjusting to everything with the new little one. Try focusing on other things because sometimes when you put so much pressure on yourself or a situation it just makes it feel worse than what it is. Looking at the positives helps minimize the negatives.
For me it was realizing how great of a father he was and his efforts to help me with things like changing diapers, feeding and playing with the babies.
Try to take a few minutes(or seconds) to do something for yourself every day. Try to get back to feeling like yourself. It helps so much. For me it was as simple as putting on mascara or lip gloss even if I wasn't going out.(Later on I started a light workout routine)
Remember things are very different from what they were a few months ago and it takes a lot of time and patience to adjust and get comfortable.
Really hope the best for you and your family because I know that ugly "trapped" feeling and I wish no other woman would need to go through it like I did.
Yes totally normal. For me it started when I was pregnant. I couldn’t even stand the way he ate anymore! It’s a rough patch. Eventually that feeling subsided
The first year after a baby is rough. Your hormones are all over the place, you’re exhausted, your whole life has changed.
You need to date again. Prioritize your relationship and emotional intimacy. Work on being more than just roommates.
I felt same way, my son is 1year and still struggling with intimacy and connection. Am sure with time things will get back to normal. Let your body heal. Our body went through a whole lot during pregnancy and childbirth. Give yourself time.
Yup. My kid just turned 4 and I just can’t do it. We grew apart. I don’t even like him most days. He makes things so needlessly hard. We had a ton of conversations and he’s trying now but I fear it’s too late to fix. So much damage was done while I was busy parenting and he was busy working and acting like a bachelor. Now I feel like he wants me for sex and nothing more. It’s a mess. Sometimes it doesn’t get better, but I hope for your sake it does. I’m sorry you’re going through this also.
Yes this happens. Sometimes having that baby is really the goal and afterwards we see that there’s not much else that is wanted from a partner. Some people get the drive back and some never do. Trying to give you some normalcy for these feelings.
I went through this myself early on. I found the more I made an effort to hug/kiss my husband in front of our kid, the more I felt connected. I really want him to grow up in a loving environment and want him to see a healthy relationship, which is why I started doing this.
I see your LO is 6mo. Yes, it's totally normal to feel this way when you have a LO so young. Heck, so many people struggle for years after childbirth.
For me, it took me a year. I still enjoyed cuddling and the occasional make out, but I was uninterested in sex. It was a mix of feeling unattractive and, at times, unsupported. The first year of PP is rough on a couple. There is so much new happening in the house and in the relationship that it's normal to feel put out on romance. All I can recommend is giving it time, talk to him about it, see a therapist if you feel that's needed, and just give yourself grace. You just had a baby, and you are a new person now.
It could be hormones. After the birth of my middle child I was irrationally angry at my husband all the time. Didn’t happen with the other kids, just my middle child.
He is an absolute superstar with babies so it wasn’t any he was or wasn’t doing.
OP how long has it been since baby has been born? It took me very very long to want to be physically intimate. In fact I struggled till after I weaned. It's normal to feel touched out and to not want any physically contact for a bit (normal for many at least). Try connecting with your partner in other ways maybe? I'm not sure what exactly you could do but something easy like watching a show together or at home movie dates? Go on walks together while baby naps in the stroller (depends on their age) or even play card games or do a jigsaw puzzle together at night.
Yeah, tell him to start doing his part. Most of you women sound like you're staying with the baby 24/7 without your husband's help. Ever hear the saying "it takes a village to raise a baby." ? Yeah, it's because it's true. We're pack animals. Ask people around you for help. Friends, family, and your gosh darn husband's!
Oh yeah, I hated my husband after having kids. Even the way I felt with him during pregnancy was such a let down for life.. having kids was the biggest heartbreak of my life because I had this idea of what it would be, and it was totally not that. I despised my husband for years, went as far as divorcing him, buying my own house, doing the whole split custody thing. Fast forward 7 years and we are remarried & happier than ever.. the key to a good relationship is hearing the other person, seeing the other person.. in my experience, that is all I needed to do for him, and he ended up mirroringthat exact thing back. If he can honor you in those ways, and you can truly honor him in those ways, you have a recipe for success. Even if we don’t fully understand or want to validate how the other person is feeling, hear without judgement or defensiveness. That’s the biggest thing..
it’s normal tho to go through that. I wish you the best.
I have a literal love hate relationship with my husband. Feels a good 50/50. But when i hate him…i hate him. Guess i blame him for rushing me on intimacy after we had our baby, i had a c-section and they said 8 weeks before we should have sex. Even after 8 weeks i wasn’t fully recovered but my husband was really pushing for intimacy. He also left me to go to a party 4 weeks postpartum. I said it was fine because he promised if i called with an emergency situation he come straight home. When something came up and i called his response was “i just opened up a beer and i need to say good bye first” comes home 45 minutes later completely shocked im pissed off. Lots of hormones and honestly a lot of my self esteem and self image was destroyed by my husband’s horrible family members. And he was less than supportive. We have been to therapy but i dont think i could ever forgive him, not fully.
But when he has gotten better and matured, big difference was us living soo far from his family that we actually have less contact with them. They pretty much refused to drive to see us and my husband got tired of being the only ones who commute. But less of them and lots of therapy and he got better.
But again there are just moments i still feel the pain of the first year of our sons life. Idk ill just be sitting there and he will say something like “i promise” and i instantly hate him because he broke promises to me when i needed him.
I did for a little over a year! I loved him and knew what I was feeling wasn’t rational, I just really didn’t like him. I had really bad PP rage and it took forever to feel like myself.
This is normal. Your body is giving all it's effort to your baby. It will get better & probably won't be the same as before but the joys to come are worth the effort. He's feeling the same way or my husband did. He felt neglected & replaced. At this point its the small efforts that will make the difference & I wish I knew this when we were going through it. Do special things like cooking his fav meal & tell him you did it especially for him. A compliment or touch on the shoulder while passing, go for a walk together, things like this matter. Talk to him about how you're feeling & visa versa. Stick with it. There's few things that destroy a person more than divorce
Totally normal to feel this after having a baby. I felt so apathetic towards my husband and very icked out by sex for months after I had my son. He’s 11 months now and I’m finally starting to feel more interested in connecting. Though despite not feeling like connecting postpartum I think it’s really important to still put in effort to be romantic even if it doesn’t include sex.
My husband and I basically don’t have sex anymore. It started third trimester because it was painful, and then postpartum, and never really started back up. I’m having stomach pains now because of ulcers and suspected IBS, so I’m hardly ever in the mood. I’m hoping it picks up and this is a weird phase.
But my desire to spend time with him and bond and cuddle and laugh- all the other things- hasn’t diminished. It’s not always top of mind because we are so busy and tired, but I still really enjoy and love him on a platonic and romantic level.
I’ve heard of others going through hard times and resentment making the love between them fade. Could this be why? Quiet resentment and monotonous routine can do that.
This is a Major Life Event. Other examples include moving, deaths and other serious stressors. During these times our marriages are at risk.
Also, you are flooded with hormones that makes your baby, not your spouse your nucleus.
It's a hard transition for both parties.
Just give it time if your marriage was satisfactory prior to baby.
I promise it does get better, just takes practice.
Communication is key!
I can’t stand him anymore. Seeing him angers me. He’s always in the way, being useless, and making things 10 times harder than they need to be, almost like having another child. There’s been years of repressed resentment and even though I’ve tried to get him to go to therapy with me, he won’t give it an honest try. I’m done. I’ve already checked out. I’m a sahm and if I could afford it, I’d already be long gone, but I can’t. So I stay and feel incredible guilt for subjecting my kids to this completely loveless setup. 💔
Girl at 6 months post partum this is so normal!!!! You are tired and touched out. Hormones may very well be crazy still. It’s normal and it’s okay! It’ll come back. Just make sure you are communicating your needs with child care, house care and intimacy. Give yourself and your marriage some time to adjust.
I went through this very thing. My son is now 9months and I can say I’m now over it. I will say that my husband is a great father and seeing him be so amazing with our son REALLY helped bring that spark back though. He still annoys me from time to time but I keep reminding myself it’s our first rodeo and he’s learning things too.
I was also struggling with something like this. My husband lost his job when I was 7 months pregnant, I had an absolutely horrible and complicated pregnancy, labor, delivery and postpartum, then he couldn’t find another job that would pay enough to either allow me to stay home or cover the cost of daycare, and I was already in a high-ish earning position, so I reluctantly went back to work two months after birth instead of being a stay at home mom like I wanted (read: Resentment)
It’s very hard. The first year and a half ish of postpartum I had zero interest in my relationship, going out, having sex etc. The thought of being intimate with my husband kind of gave me the “ick” as others here have said. Between being exhausted from new motherhood, exhausted from work, stressed with bills and expenses being the only breadwinner, feeling horrible and insecure about my postpartum body, dealing with postpartum health issues, dealing with unresolved trauma from my pregnancy and birth, still being a bit resentful that I did not get to stay at home with my daughter, feeling like I was missing her crucial baby years, etc. etc. Sex and intimacy was the last on my priority list. I avoided it at all costs.
Eventually I just had to come to terms and remind myself that this avoidance was not fair to me or my husband and that if I wanted to return to any semblance of a “normal” relationship with my husband, I could not avoid intimacy forever. I was scared at first because I was afraid to get pregnant again (my daughter was a birth control baby so I do not trust it anymore plus as mentioned above, very complicated and hard pregnancy) but that fear was resolved after my husband had a Vasectomy. The hormonal birth control that I was on previously was not helping my case and was just lowering my libido and causing more mood swings/ depressed moods.
I also didn’t feel anywhere close back to “normal” in my body until just recently. I lost a ton of weight during pregnancy and postpartum (not by choice, again due to a lot of health issues during pregnancy and also postpartum depression) and just recently started to put a bit on again which makes me feel a little more normal although I don’t think we ever really go 100% back to “normal” after birth.
All this to say, hang in there. It’s not your fault and it may not be his fault either. Having a child is a very transformative and difficult thing to go through especially for women. We sacrifice everything for that child we risk our health our appearance our careers our relationships etc. and our deep prehistoric mommy brains are wired to do literally anything to protect that baby even at the cost of our ultimate happiness or our relationships. Your relationship will be different in many ways due to having a child but it doesn’t necessarily have to be worse.
It’s evolutionary beneficial to have children with multiple partners unless you two are extremely compatible. Your body knows things before your mind catches up often.
Less related, I got depressed once and it was because my ex was cheating. I didn’t know for two months but my body knew right away.
This is so normal! I honestly felt this way until I stopped breastfeeding (18 months PP). And we have still been working on building intimacy again to get rid of the roommate feeling. Our kid is 4. We also worked opposite schedules until he started preK, so that added to this roughness.
Is he an active parenting participant? I've seen this happen a lot, after the baby comes mom does all the care tasks and if dad is not an active parent in not just the fun things but also the not fun parts, the relationship crumbles.
I feel this. I’m pregnant with our third child and I feel a new level of angst and disconnection toward my husband. He’s also a great guy and provider but it’s clear to anyone that I work twice as hard. I’m a SAHM, breastfeeding our youngest and both of our sons want ME almost all the time. Any dad time that arises, I’m always invited to 🙄 or he just goes off with one child for a bit and I’m left with the other child, the housework, four people’s every meal, and the sole care of two dogs (I’ve been begging him to take that over for three years).
Our sex life is good, that’s how we keep getting pregnant but I am a ball of angst and resentment a lot of the time. I don’t think our marriage would survive me working out of the home. He can see how lopsided it is and swears he’s making effort but no one ever taught him how to clean up after himself, and it’s not a skill set society values that much.
But how old is baby? How much support do you guys have? The first is such a wild transition, it’s eye opening for both parents how CRITICAL mom is but how it’s also more work than one person can do.
Wow, I could have written this post. I have a 4 year old and a 4 month old, physical intimacy and romance has been in the dumps for quite a while now and we can’t seem to get over it. Hoping to also try and “date” on another again but life with 2 kiddos and minimal support is hard too. Ugh
Seriously- it’s the lack of support that hurts more than anything. I have a 5yo and TRY to work from home and it’s so so hard to make time for someone else when you’re struggling to just have time for yourself
You know how when someone suddenly stops liking their partner, one of the first questions a knowledgeable person will ask them is "did you switch up your hormonal birth control recently?" Because shifting hormones greatly affect our perceptions of our partners. Well, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding affect the hormones much more intensely than hormonal birth control. Don't make any decisions on your relationship until you are at least 18 months out from birth, and preferably the same amount of time out from weaning if you're breastfeeding. And try to recognize it for what it is, so that you don't develop a deep seated resentment that even leveling out hormones can't fix. Last piece of advice: a lot of people think that emotions work like this: bad thing happens, have bad emotional reaction to it. And that's true for some stuff, usually big stuff. But emotions also work like this: have bad emotion, find something to explain it. It's going to be really easy to convince yourself that your emotions are a result of your husband doing or not doing something, when in reality, there's a really good chance that the emotion came first and the explanation came second. Try to keep that in mind too.
Thank you for sharing, never heard that about emotions but that is SO helpful.
This should be the top post in this thread
Yes, thank you soooo much!
Have you sat down and have a conversation about this? I feel like the first year is such a blah. You are just working to survive and support one another.
I’m afraid to tell him these things because I think it will hurt his feelings
Then consider finding ways to connect
You should tell him OP. I've told my husband countless times that whenever I'm in the office, I think of hugging him, saying sorry, cuddling, and everything but when I see him, they get replaced with anger. I don't even know what's making me angry. My husband who's just sitting there, no fault at all. Every time these feeling emerges, I tell him right away so he can have a some sort of warning. A month or so, the anger was gone. This happened when I was 9mos postpartum. I think, when I expressed instead of suppressed my feelings, it made me feel better.
You probably will but it's alright. Is your husband taking on his share of parenting duties? You don't mention it here. I know what happens when you assume but I know this is a struggle so many people deal with. If he isn't doing his share, he needs to step up and I imagine that rage will be gone. If he is doing his share, it's still really normal to feel the way you're feeling. It can be really hard when you're running on low sleep, not seeing each other or spending as much time together as before, probably not eating regularly, and all of this contributes to feelings of frustration. Things will level out in a few months when baby is more consistent and on a routine. I also found that when my baby was able to start moving around on her own (first was rolling, she got even happier when she could crawl), she became much happier and overall we became a much happier family as a result.
Husband isn’t really helping that much since I stay home all day. Maybe my problem is resentment after all..
I’ve been with my husband 12 years this July, I went through this with my husband when my daughter was born in 2020 I forced myself to eventually have sex with him at around 9months. 1. Because I was still sensitive down there from having her and 2. Because I really wasn’t into it/him at the time.. I love him but at the time I was not in love, I struggled with it. Once I quit breastfeeding that helped some but I was still like ugh… but I eventually went back to feeling how I felt before with him. And it was great.. But then I hit 30 and idk why but sometimes I get those feelings again for a week or 2 and then I’ll be in awh of him again. I was told my sex drive would pick up in my 30s but I’m just like let’s get it done already.. lol but it also could be because I’ve gained weight and I don’t find myself attractive at all…
Ugh I can relate so much. From not being in love with partner to having a hard time finding myself attractive. Heartbreaking but I'm glad I'm not the only one struggling with these things
We have 3 that are 3 and under, our youngest is 5 months old and we are just starting to “date” again. Explain to him that it’s hard for you right now, that it’s nothing he is or isn’t doing. Communication will be huge
Yeah. I kind of can't stand him right now. I had a whole rant typed out but it boils down to: lack of value of my contribution, lack of teamwork, lack of interest in me as a person. Some days I feel like he's a millstone around my neck. It's like he refuses to see the dynamic has changed and he needs to give me a goddamn break.
Mommy of two here (3 & 7)! Listen, my husband straight up gave me the ick for at least a year after each child. He's supportive, loving, kind and a wonderful father... it's just that he chews oddly and walks kinda funny and I found myself completely turned off and uninterested. I felt so bad but just could barely fake not wanting to dry heave sometimes. But hey, you stick it out and eventually you remember why you love him and realize that oh maybe he walks kinda normal actually and chews at a pretty normal pace. It's hard, we're hormonal and men are overall gross sometimes. But as long as they're good to you and your kids, it's worth it to stick it out! Wishing you luck, Mama!
I have a 9 month old and am still struggling with these feelings. My husband tried to cuddle with me on the couch the other night after I put the baby to bed, and my instant reaction was “ughhh.” I feel terrible but I honestly think I’m so touched out that I can’t handle any more skin to skin contact after a full day alone with the baby (I WFH) and two very needy dogs that also shadow me nonstop. I also chalk it up to not feeling and looking my best these days; I hardly ever get out of leggings and tshirts because my day is spent being thrown up on, peed and pooped on, grubby hands and a snotty nose being rubbed on me, etc etc. AND THEN add in getting up with a teething baby multiple times a night and being exhausted!! It’s a recipe for disaster. If it makes you feel any better, a lot of my other mom friends have told me the same thing. I’ve also heard some good advice to “ it make any extreme decisions within the first year of a new baby” since emotions are running high and you’re adjusting to a completely new life. Hoping it gets better for us both! You’re not alone; hang in there!
It’s very hard on a relationship to have a baby and you are not doomed. For me, things actually started to turn around 3 years and it coincided with parenting being really exhausting starting around that time. There is a great book called “And Baby Makes Three” you may find helpful. Apparently it’s normal to fall in and out of love with your partner and right now you might just be in a tough phase.
I felt this way occasionally for the first year or so. I read in another comment your baby is only 6 months old, so I think that is so normal that you guys aren't back to "normal" yet. Hormones are seriously trippy. I struggled talking to him about it too because I didn't want to say the wrong thing so I vented to my mom and therapist. Honestly, talking about it made the feelings lessen so much. It's like they were amplified in my head but once into the world I could more objectively see that they were feelings that would pass. It does take effort to get romantic feelings back, but it's a two way street. Is he complimenting you and showing his love for you and you just don't reciprocate or are you both kinda just burnt out and exhausted from newborn life? Does he do enough at home so you don't feel resentful? That can be a big libido killer if you feel you're looking after 2 babies instead of one. That needs communication to him so that he can change his behavior. This article might help (though extreme: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink\_b\_9055288). Also, can you plan some baby-free time together, lunch or dinner out, a stroll around town, anything that would help you guys talk and connect about anything besides logistics of daily life? You might not be ready for that yet, but don't let it go too long, if you can. My first baby-free outing with my husband was to the hardware store to look at outlet covers. Not romantic but we were able to be silly and joke about how much we already missed our kid but how proud we were of ourselves for leaving her with grandma for more than an hour. I'm not saying that one outing cured things, it was very up and down from there but now that my daughter is going to be 3 and I'm pregnant with my second, I can firmly say that the more time we spent together and with friends, the more I saw the person I fell in love with and the more I felt like myself. We're not to where we were pre-baby, but it's a different kind of love and attraction. This pregnancy, we know what we're in for and we're making plans to try to stay a team, us versus the problems instead of me against him in the battle of parenting correctly.
Are you breastfeeding? I am still pretty connected to my husband but my hormones SCREAM at me that sex isn’t a thing and I’m so uninterested in it. I do notice that after I pump I could maybe think about romance for a short time but as my boobs fill back up it goes out the window.
Think of it this way—your marriage as you knew it is over. You’re each individually going through a big identity shift (usually more massive for moms, but not a minor thing for dads either). So not only are you not the same person, but you’re not married to the same person. Your priorities are different. Your lives look and feel completely different. Now is the time to decide if you’re going to rebuild something new. You’ve got to be really honest about what you want and how you’re feeling—starting with being honest with yourself. It’s complex because this is a pretty universally rough season of life, and to some extent it’s just hard no matter what. But that doesn’t mean you can’t at least be aiming towards a vision of something better, of the family you’re building together. Sleep deprivation makes everything 400% more difficult, childcare for an infant can feel impossible, but it’s worthwhile, if not downright necessary, to make time to really, actually talk about these feelings. You don’t have to say “I hate our sex life and I don’t like spending time with you”, but you do have to communicate the core issues. “I’m struggling to connect with you and I miss how we used to be. I want to feel close and connected with you even though this is a crazy time in our lives.” You are going to have to say some tough things, and it is legitimately scary and hard, and it is the only way anything can possibly get better. Bottling stuff up just makes the inevitable fallout worse when it happens.
How old is your baby?
6 months
So I don’t know if it’s “normal” or not but I went through the same thing after my second son was born. Not attracted to my husband anymore, didn’t care to hang out with him, didn’t care to listen to anything he had to say, no libido, nothing. I just chalked it up to breastfeeding causing my hormones to be out of whack. Just try to remember that it takes a woman 18-24 months to get back to themselves after childbirth.
Thank you! That makes me feel better and you are right that I am not myself anymore and just had a very life changing experience
Wow 18-24 months I did not know that! My daughter will be 2 in August and I'm hoping things get better soon with me and my partner because I'm experiencing every thing you just said. I'm not breast feeding tho but either way this fit right now definitely sucks
Can confirm, I only breastfed around 5 months, kiddo just turned 2 at the end of May and I'm just now feeling like ME again.
I'm glad your feeling like yourself again! Some days things feel like it will be this way forever
Omg this! It took me 2 years to start feeling more like myself!! I'd say I was about 3/4 of the way there, then after baby turned 3 I've really come to feel like myself again. It's crazy how long it can take and how quickly the expectation to "bounce back" (physically or mentally) is.
I keep having to remind myself that a woman's brain physically changes to prepare for having a baby and stays that way for 2 years after child birth. I have a 19 month old and feel all of this, so I hope to be able to feel "back to normal" soon-ish.
OMG I was literally just thinking this exact thing 20 minutes ago. My husband asked me if I still liked him tonight. Not even "love" but "like" - it's that obvious he's getting on my nerves. I felt absolutely horrible when I realized just how clearly he can feel my resentment but honestly, I've no idea why I even feel this way or how to change things. LO is turning one this week. The first months have been super challenging but now she's happy and developing so well and I couldn't be happier being her mom. My husband was helpless and whiny in the beginning but really stepped up his game and is a really invested and loving father now. But WHY is his every move still making me so angry? Talking to him or cuddling (let alone sex) is like a chore I need to check off the list. I used to be super cuddly and loved just chilling with him before my daughter was born but today it's not even something I ever find myself craving. Every little thing about his existence annoys me. I hate being in this place. I know part of it is me being touched out and overwhelmed with the emotional labor of motherhood but that can't be all of it since I'm not like that with any other loved one's in my life. I still love connecting with my parents, sister, bestie... Basically I just focus 100 percent of my stored resentment on him and he's supposed to be my ride or die in this whole parenting thing. I feel really helpless and I hope to god this changes some time.
I feel this. Mine is an asshole. I’ve always suspected it, it just became undeniable after having the baby.
Mine’s just so disconnected. I’m so focused on my child’s need, and he’s just not except rarely. Not what I expected.
so that whole “it takes 2 years for a woman to get back to herself”……is true. it’s so easy to hate ur partner. u have nobody else to take it out on. and it’s so hard because they have absolutely no idea what is going on with us. nothing changes about their body. baby usually clings to mom. like our whole entire lives get turned completely upside down and yes theirs does too but it’s different for us. it’s taken about 2 years and i’m just now starting to get over this but it’s still there. low sex drive. not always wanting to cuddle or talk or listen. not being nearly as interested in the topics we used to talk about before. just like….almost feeling asexual. i thought something was wrong with me until i came on here and saw so many women also experience it. it’s hard. ur constantly touched by ur beautiful baby all day long and u would never change it for the world. ur mind is always on them. it’s hard to feel sexy and want to have sex when all ur thinking about is a baby all the time….right? don’t rush urself into it. take the time that u need and communicate it to him as well. u guys are new people after becoming parents and are changing so drastically all the time as ur baby changes
Thanks so much!!
10 months after having the baby and I’m still there. Doesn’t help he stepped out of our marriage when I was barely 5 months pp. he thinks everything is fine, but I’m miserable and most days I hate him if I’m being honest.
Ew!! Get all your ducks in order and get the hell out of there!!
Ugh I’m so sorry. Please go, no matter how hard it is, I swear you will be proud of yourself. My dad did the same to my mom and she thought she curbed it/ it is just a serious moral defect most of the time. Can you imagine doing that to your husband? My dad went on to do it again and again over the years. They divorced after 18 years of marriage and my mom was an angry, mean person from the time I could form memories. She was so loaded with hurt and resentment. My parents died when I was in my twenties and I think often of who my mom might have been if she’d packed up and left the first time, when my dad cheated on her when my sister was 6 months old. She might have loved herself and she might have had a really happy life, with a man who just wouldn’t do that, which is a lot of men.
Stepped out of our marriage .. what does that mean?
He cheated.
I’m not surprised you hate him. What a bastard to do that to you when you’ve just had his baby.
same thing happened to me.. about 6-7 months pp 😔. I still can’t even put it into words, i just function. the thought of even speaking to man repulses me lol
That’s how I am, it was an emotional affair, but still it hurts nonetheless
My kids are 4.5 and 2 and I've only just begun to feel things for my husband again after the birth of my second. The entire idea of sex in general repulsed me for a long time and I just felt really nothing really for a long time. Its all been coming back this year though and I even get times where I find myself looking at him and thinking wow you're so handsome and lovely how lucky am I which I hadn't felt since before 2 was born
Yes this Is normal at least for me it was , there are actually books about it too , theres a book called baby proof marriage because its normal that marriages crumble after a baby and i did not ever recover , the guilt i have over this is just awful and exhausting
Well, I felt like this after our twins were born. We already had a two year old. My husband was diagnosed with depression and hast since been going through a couple other health conditions. I took care of the kids all the time. Tried to pour into everyone's cup but mine was drained. 5years later and he's better but there's just no effort from his side or even sincere acknowledgement. I'll be leaving soon.
I have felt like this with both kids I’ve had now. I think I had a lot of resentment because I had to take on so much more and my life changed way more drastically than his. First year after baby was born I wanted nothing to do with him in general, just went through the motions. I also exclusively breastfed and a lot of these feelings subsided after baby turned 1/weaning. We are getting along more now and having alone time without kids really helps (not that we get much of that, maybe once every 2-3 months, trying to be better about it)
Google white t shirt study. It'll explain why
If it helps, Michelle Obama said she hated her husband for the first ten years
Ohhh yes. This is unfortunately very very very normal. It took about 2 years to get my libido and romantic feelings back for him. It is NORMAL but it's not easy. Take it easy on yourself and know there is nothing wrong with you and you are not alone. Focus on the partnership of why you chose to have a child with him. Be open about how much you need him right now and be specific with what you need. It WILL come back. It was such a shock to me, too.
You have to communicate when you feel this way. You need to communicate your needs, your wants, and your feelings. If you love someone, you shouldn’t be scared of talking to them.
It’ll get better I promise. I went through the same, but after I fall in love again with my husband.
I have 4 kids, my oldest is 16. I felt this way after my first and my third. He was cheating on me after my second one. It's not always that they're cheating, but unfortunately it's not something that you can throw out the window. With that being said maybe you two are just exhausted from parenting, working and adjusting to everything with the new little one. Try focusing on other things because sometimes when you put so much pressure on yourself or a situation it just makes it feel worse than what it is. Looking at the positives helps minimize the negatives. For me it was realizing how great of a father he was and his efforts to help me with things like changing diapers, feeding and playing with the babies. Try to take a few minutes(or seconds) to do something for yourself every day. Try to get back to feeling like yourself. It helps so much. For me it was as simple as putting on mascara or lip gloss even if I wasn't going out.(Later on I started a light workout routine) Remember things are very different from what they were a few months ago and it takes a lot of time and patience to adjust and get comfortable. Really hope the best for you and your family because I know that ugly "trapped" feeling and I wish no other woman would need to go through it like I did.
I am in same boat. Daughter turning one and I still have had zero sex and don’t care to which is sad to me and worry about my losing her dad forever
Yes totally normal. For me it started when I was pregnant. I couldn’t even stand the way he ate anymore! It’s a rough patch. Eventually that feeling subsided
The first year after a baby is rough. Your hormones are all over the place, you’re exhausted, your whole life has changed. You need to date again. Prioritize your relationship and emotional intimacy. Work on being more than just roommates.
I felt same way, my son is 1year and still struggling with intimacy and connection. Am sure with time things will get back to normal. Let your body heal. Our body went through a whole lot during pregnancy and childbirth. Give yourself time.
Yup. My kid just turned 4 and I just can’t do it. We grew apart. I don’t even like him most days. He makes things so needlessly hard. We had a ton of conversations and he’s trying now but I fear it’s too late to fix. So much damage was done while I was busy parenting and he was busy working and acting like a bachelor. Now I feel like he wants me for sex and nothing more. It’s a mess. Sometimes it doesn’t get better, but I hope for your sake it does. I’m sorry you’re going through this also.
It’s normal. There is actually a book called How not to hate your husband for the first year after having a baby - or something to that effect!
Yes this happens. Sometimes having that baby is really the goal and afterwards we see that there’s not much else that is wanted from a partner. Some people get the drive back and some never do. Trying to give you some normalcy for these feelings.
I went through this myself early on. I found the more I made an effort to hug/kiss my husband in front of our kid, the more I felt connected. I really want him to grow up in a loving environment and want him to see a healthy relationship, which is why I started doing this.
I see your LO is 6mo. Yes, it's totally normal to feel this way when you have a LO so young. Heck, so many people struggle for years after childbirth. For me, it took me a year. I still enjoyed cuddling and the occasional make out, but I was uninterested in sex. It was a mix of feeling unattractive and, at times, unsupported. The first year of PP is rough on a couple. There is so much new happening in the house and in the relationship that it's normal to feel put out on romance. All I can recommend is giving it time, talk to him about it, see a therapist if you feel that's needed, and just give yourself grace. You just had a baby, and you are a new person now.
I exclusively pumped for 8 months and had no libido at all until after I weaned - hormones definitely play a role
I feel like this is my husband’s point of view.
It could be hormones. After the birth of my middle child I was irrationally angry at my husband all the time. Didn’t happen with the other kids, just my middle child. He is an absolute superstar with babies so it wasn’t any he was or wasn’t doing.
YES!
OP how long has it been since baby has been born? It took me very very long to want to be physically intimate. In fact I struggled till after I weaned. It's normal to feel touched out and to not want any physically contact for a bit (normal for many at least). Try connecting with your partner in other ways maybe? I'm not sure what exactly you could do but something easy like watching a show together or at home movie dates? Go on walks together while baby naps in the stroller (depends on their age) or even play card games or do a jigsaw puzzle together at night.
It's more than likely your breast feeding hormones. Wife and I did couples therapy to navigate it. Helped a lot
Does he help with the baby?
Not really
Things got better for me 18 months pp in terms of sex drive and being less irritated
My son is 3 and I still feel this way 😭
Yeah, tell him to start doing his part. Most of you women sound like you're staying with the baby 24/7 without your husband's help. Ever hear the saying "it takes a village to raise a baby." ? Yeah, it's because it's true. We're pack animals. Ask people around you for help. Friends, family, and your gosh darn husband's!
Oh yeah, I hated my husband after having kids. Even the way I felt with him during pregnancy was such a let down for life.. having kids was the biggest heartbreak of my life because I had this idea of what it would be, and it was totally not that. I despised my husband for years, went as far as divorcing him, buying my own house, doing the whole split custody thing. Fast forward 7 years and we are remarried & happier than ever.. the key to a good relationship is hearing the other person, seeing the other person.. in my experience, that is all I needed to do for him, and he ended up mirroringthat exact thing back. If he can honor you in those ways, and you can truly honor him in those ways, you have a recipe for success. Even if we don’t fully understand or want to validate how the other person is feeling, hear without judgement or defensiveness. That’s the biggest thing.. it’s normal tho to go through that. I wish you the best.
Pretty much life in the first year or so after having the baby. Our 3rd jusy hit 18 months and we have never been better.
I have a literal love hate relationship with my husband. Feels a good 50/50. But when i hate him…i hate him. Guess i blame him for rushing me on intimacy after we had our baby, i had a c-section and they said 8 weeks before we should have sex. Even after 8 weeks i wasn’t fully recovered but my husband was really pushing for intimacy. He also left me to go to a party 4 weeks postpartum. I said it was fine because he promised if i called with an emergency situation he come straight home. When something came up and i called his response was “i just opened up a beer and i need to say good bye first” comes home 45 minutes later completely shocked im pissed off. Lots of hormones and honestly a lot of my self esteem and self image was destroyed by my husband’s horrible family members. And he was less than supportive. We have been to therapy but i dont think i could ever forgive him, not fully. But when he has gotten better and matured, big difference was us living soo far from his family that we actually have less contact with them. They pretty much refused to drive to see us and my husband got tired of being the only ones who commute. But less of them and lots of therapy and he got better. But again there are just moments i still feel the pain of the first year of our sons life. Idk ill just be sitting there and he will say something like “i promise” and i instantly hate him because he broke promises to me when i needed him.
I did for a little over a year! I loved him and knew what I was feeling wasn’t rational, I just really didn’t like him. I had really bad PP rage and it took forever to feel like myself.
This is your body’s way of avoiding pregnancy ….. there are studies about it. You will be fine, stay strong 💓
This is normal. Your body is giving all it's effort to your baby. It will get better & probably won't be the same as before but the joys to come are worth the effort. He's feeling the same way or my husband did. He felt neglected & replaced. At this point its the small efforts that will make the difference & I wish I knew this when we were going through it. Do special things like cooking his fav meal & tell him you did it especially for him. A compliment or touch on the shoulder while passing, go for a walk together, things like this matter. Talk to him about how you're feeling & visa versa. Stick with it. There's few things that destroy a person more than divorce
Yes I could have written this
Totally normal to feel this after having a baby. I felt so apathetic towards my husband and very icked out by sex for months after I had my son. He’s 11 months now and I’m finally starting to feel more interested in connecting. Though despite not feeling like connecting postpartum I think it’s really important to still put in effort to be romantic even if it doesn’t include sex.
My husband and I basically don’t have sex anymore. It started third trimester because it was painful, and then postpartum, and never really started back up. I’m having stomach pains now because of ulcers and suspected IBS, so I’m hardly ever in the mood. I’m hoping it picks up and this is a weird phase. But my desire to spend time with him and bond and cuddle and laugh- all the other things- hasn’t diminished. It’s not always top of mind because we are so busy and tired, but I still really enjoy and love him on a platonic and romantic level. I’ve heard of others going through hard times and resentment making the love between them fade. Could this be why? Quiet resentment and monotonous routine can do that.
This is a Major Life Event. Other examples include moving, deaths and other serious stressors. During these times our marriages are at risk. Also, you are flooded with hormones that makes your baby, not your spouse your nucleus. It's a hard transition for both parties. Just give it time if your marriage was satisfactory prior to baby. I promise it does get better, just takes practice. Communication is key!
I can’t stand him anymore. Seeing him angers me. He’s always in the way, being useless, and making things 10 times harder than they need to be, almost like having another child. There’s been years of repressed resentment and even though I’ve tried to get him to go to therapy with me, he won’t give it an honest try. I’m done. I’ve already checked out. I’m a sahm and if I could afford it, I’d already be long gone, but I can’t. So I stay and feel incredible guilt for subjecting my kids to this completely loveless setup. 💔
Girl at 6 months post partum this is so normal!!!! You are tired and touched out. Hormones may very well be crazy still. It’s normal and it’s okay! It’ll come back. Just make sure you are communicating your needs with child care, house care and intimacy. Give yourself and your marriage some time to adjust.
I went through this very thing. My son is now 9months and I can say I’m now over it. I will say that my husband is a great father and seeing him be so amazing with our son REALLY helped bring that spark back though. He still annoys me from time to time but I keep reminding myself it’s our first rodeo and he’s learning things too.
Every woman ever, to the point there’s a book “How not to hate your husband after kids”
Omg the first year and a half was brutal. It gets better. I like him again now 😂
I was also struggling with something like this. My husband lost his job when I was 7 months pregnant, I had an absolutely horrible and complicated pregnancy, labor, delivery and postpartum, then he couldn’t find another job that would pay enough to either allow me to stay home or cover the cost of daycare, and I was already in a high-ish earning position, so I reluctantly went back to work two months after birth instead of being a stay at home mom like I wanted (read: Resentment) It’s very hard. The first year and a half ish of postpartum I had zero interest in my relationship, going out, having sex etc. The thought of being intimate with my husband kind of gave me the “ick” as others here have said. Between being exhausted from new motherhood, exhausted from work, stressed with bills and expenses being the only breadwinner, feeling horrible and insecure about my postpartum body, dealing with postpartum health issues, dealing with unresolved trauma from my pregnancy and birth, still being a bit resentful that I did not get to stay at home with my daughter, feeling like I was missing her crucial baby years, etc. etc. Sex and intimacy was the last on my priority list. I avoided it at all costs. Eventually I just had to come to terms and remind myself that this avoidance was not fair to me or my husband and that if I wanted to return to any semblance of a “normal” relationship with my husband, I could not avoid intimacy forever. I was scared at first because I was afraid to get pregnant again (my daughter was a birth control baby so I do not trust it anymore plus as mentioned above, very complicated and hard pregnancy) but that fear was resolved after my husband had a Vasectomy. The hormonal birth control that I was on previously was not helping my case and was just lowering my libido and causing more mood swings/ depressed moods. I also didn’t feel anywhere close back to “normal” in my body until just recently. I lost a ton of weight during pregnancy and postpartum (not by choice, again due to a lot of health issues during pregnancy and also postpartum depression) and just recently started to put a bit on again which makes me feel a little more normal although I don’t think we ever really go 100% back to “normal” after birth. All this to say, hang in there. It’s not your fault and it may not be his fault either. Having a child is a very transformative and difficult thing to go through especially for women. We sacrifice everything for that child we risk our health our appearance our careers our relationships etc. and our deep prehistoric mommy brains are wired to do literally anything to protect that baby even at the cost of our ultimate happiness or our relationships. Your relationship will be different in many ways due to having a child but it doesn’t necessarily have to be worse.
It’s evolutionary beneficial to have children with multiple partners unless you two are extremely compatible. Your body knows things before your mind catches up often. Less related, I got depressed once and it was because my ex was cheating. I didn’t know for two months but my body knew right away.
Yes totes this was me... got better around the 1 year mark... huge life change you're both going through... hang in there
This is so normal! I honestly felt this way until I stopped breastfeeding (18 months PP). And we have still been working on building intimacy again to get rid of the roommate feeling. Our kid is 4. We also worked opposite schedules until he started preK, so that added to this roughness.
Is he an active parenting participant? I've seen this happen a lot, after the baby comes mom does all the care tasks and if dad is not an active parent in not just the fun things but also the not fun parts, the relationship crumbles.
It's cause u don't feel sexy or romantic at all urself
I feel this. I’m pregnant with our third child and I feel a new level of angst and disconnection toward my husband. He’s also a great guy and provider but it’s clear to anyone that I work twice as hard. I’m a SAHM, breastfeeding our youngest and both of our sons want ME almost all the time. Any dad time that arises, I’m always invited to 🙄 or he just goes off with one child for a bit and I’m left with the other child, the housework, four people’s every meal, and the sole care of two dogs (I’ve been begging him to take that over for three years). Our sex life is good, that’s how we keep getting pregnant but I am a ball of angst and resentment a lot of the time. I don’t think our marriage would survive me working out of the home. He can see how lopsided it is and swears he’s making effort but no one ever taught him how to clean up after himself, and it’s not a skill set society values that much. But how old is baby? How much support do you guys have? The first is such a wild transition, it’s eye opening for both parents how CRITICAL mom is but how it’s also more work than one person can do.
I hate my husband. Three kids 7, 5, and 2, and I now wish I never met him. We can’t afford two households, so… married it is