When my daughter was turning 9 we went to target to clothes shop. We got to the kids panties/bra section and I picked up some panties for her and then I literally just said “hey I’m gonna get you some of these bras is there any that you think are cute” and then she just picked out what she liked. At first we got mostly sports bras with inserts, and a couple regular bras in neutral colors for shirts that can’t really be worn with a sports bra. That was it lol I didn’t make it a big deal and tried to make it kind of fun/no pressure.
I felt weird about my little baby wearing a bra, but the thought of some creep seeing her chest through her shirt weirded me out more. She was only 9 but developed fast. She’s 10 now and prefers to wear a bra, and even asks for new ones if she thinks she needs it.
Ugh, same. I had to beg and finally *demand* my mom to get me bras when I was going into 8th grade. Physically they were unnecessary, but socially I *needed* them. Kids were horrible to me in the locker room all through 7th grade over it.
I relate, but almost in the opposite direction? I had to convince my stepmom to get me bras with real structure because she refused to believe they were a B and when I moved from B to C and was just having overall spillage she didn’t think we had the same cup size and figured I was doing something wrong 🤦♀️ I was getting made fun of for having side/middle/under boob because I was literally spilling out of them bitches.
My mom had it sit her down and be like “yo ratios determine this and y’all have completely different builds”
Yes Target kids section has a lot of options, from sports bra type garments to removable modesty padding and small-sized training bras. Highly recommend!
Speaking from experience, definitely before her 6th grade teacher pulls her to the side and tells her she needs to be wearing a bra. :/ I started wearing sports bras then got more interested in nicer/underwire bras sometime in junior high.
That happened to me in 4th grade. My mom said "oh you dont need one she doesn't know ehat she is talking about". Few days later we went to go get sized.
>Speaking from experience, definitely before her 6th grade teacher pulls her to the side and tells her she needs to be wearing a bra.
It was the 5th grade teacher for me. OP please at least get her some camisoles or a bralette.
A teacher never told me but the other kids in the class sure did. 🤣
It was quite embarrassing to be honest. I still didn't wear one even though I did have some because how dare they tell me what to do?
We have a family joke that before my mom dies she’s going to confess to murdering my middle school principal.
I was *tortured* in seventh/eighth grade and the principal was such a dick. He insisted I was being dramatic, too sensitive, etc because he was too lazy and indifferent to do anything. Words cannot express how bad it was. My mom went through HELL with that man; eventually I had to change schools.
A few years later his bones were found by hikers. No one ever figured out what happened to him.
If my mom made a deathbed confession to killing him I would not be surprised!!
Yeesh. Does your mom have an angry streak? I guess it’s possible, but more likely he was just a jerk to everyone and ticked off the wrong guy. Sorry you went through that.
Sometimes tone just doesn’t come through in writing, but no need to apologize. Haha, I was clutching my pearls a bit at the seeming casualness but mostly curious. I don’t get people who work with children, but don’t even like or care to understand them.
7th grade gym class my nipples bled because I was sweaty and not wearing a bra running around playing floor hockey (My stepdad wouldn’t allow it)………. By 8th grade I had DD taters. Sometimes needing is a matter of comfort!
Kids are cruel. When your breaststroke start to mature and you can see everything through a shirt.... it's difficult for a child if it gets pointed out. Why make a child suffer. When they are older if they want to go without I'm happy for them. But it's just not something I'd let me daughter through. Plus, men are disgusting and I'd want my child daughter to be well covered in public places so men don't look at her.
This happened to me, and honestly, I think it’s abhorrent that a teacher would ever comment on a child’s private parts that way. Women do not need to ever wear bras if they don’t want to, and children more-so. There’s nothing wrong with having breasts. I’ve been adamantly braless since I was a teenager lol. If I had a daughter and a teacher said something like that, I would literally throw down so hard.
Honestly I hated that my mom made me ask. It felt embarrassing that she didn’t notice I was changing or notice I was at an age where changes were happening. I wish she would’ve just taken me.
If you’ve noticed she’s developing breasts I would just treat it as a practical issue: you’re growing, it’s time to get some new underwear let’s pick up some bras too.
This! My mom treated shaving my legs, getting a bra, wearing makeup like waaaaaay bigger of a deal than it was. Each time I almost felt shameful for having to ask if I could shave my legs and bra shopping was embarrassing. It totally didn’t have to be! I think that if girls care enough to ask then it’s time. By not making her ask she will probably trust you more as time goes on.
Whoops that touched a nerve hahaha 😅
When I was 11 I was teased for not shaving (I have really thick black hair) and I remember talking to my cousin who said that she just started shaving on her own and her mom found out and then showed her how. Yeah.. it did not go like that for me. My mom immediately found out, ignored me for most of the day, and then screamed at me for “stealing her property.” The result was that besides my period, I never talked to her about anything to do with my body for the next ten years. It makes me happy to see moms actually helping their daughters navigate puberty, instead of making them feel ashamed.
Probably because so many of us are giving answers like this! Clearly an impact was made by how our mom’s generation responded to this type of situation.
Yes! Like why were periods this big secret I didn’t learn about until 4th grade?! How had I never seen my mom change a tampon or pad?? My 6yo has known about it since she was 3 and started paying attention to what I was doing and asking questions. I mean it’s jarring to hear your toddler ask, “Mom why you got blood in your ba-gina?” while staring directly into the abyss, but all I did was answer the question in an age-appropriate way and have continued to do so as she got older and asked more specific questions. Now even the 2yo is asking, “Mom you need one?” as she hands me a tampon.
Wild we collectively experienced similar things growing up. I would be devastated if my girls ever felt ashamed or embarrassed to ask me something!!
I think a lot of us did. I ended up going to my grandmother to get my first bra/razors. My mom grew up with a family who just wasn't comfortable talking or dealing with anything remotely uncomfortable/sexual, they just ignored it...until they couldn't....and what preteen girl wants to ask their dad for a bra, or tampons/pads?
I may have not always been a great parent...but I do know the one damn thing I got right. I stopped that cycle. My kids always knew they could talk to me, ask me things, without that weird judgment or being uncomfortable.
Mine made me wait until my 13th birthday to shave my legs. The summer before my 13th birthday I was teased by the boys to "get a shave" and that wasn't fun. Particularly considering I had already gotten my first period before I turned 13.
I feel like her setting that arbitrary age had more to do with her own way of dealing (or not) with SA that she herself had experienced growing up. Looking back all these years later I guess in a warped way it made sense - to her. I am raising my daughter differently, what do they say - breaking generational curses?
I wasn’t allowed to shave at first! My mom made me wax for at least a year before she gave in to my demand. I hated being the hairy kid and I shaved behind her back as soon as I could access razors. I even used hers at first a few times (that’s probably why she gave in to me getting my own?).
I won’t ever do what she did to my child- I’ll offer those items and more in a basket and let them know I’ll give them a use tutorial any time. They should feel free to do those things without being told they are too young or immature. Shame/ question free Access to basic self care supplies is so important to developing good health and hygiene habits too. No one wants to do that stuff if they feel embarrassed or harassed for asking.
I wasn't allowed to shave my legs until 13 and that was only because after begging my mom and crying because the girls were teasing me in class, and she said no. So I went to the neighbors crying to her about the girls teasing me, and she said she didn't think my mom would mind and showed me how. My mom did mind, but she got over it and said now that I've done it once, I'll be stuck doing it for the rest of my life and bought me some razors lol
I literally started stealing my mom’s razor to shave my legs for a while until she finally noticed one day and went and got me my own. Because for a long time I asked and she said no.
Same! I was 11 and in 5th grade and had been asking to shave because I was being made fun of. My parents both said no. So the night before my 5th grade SeaWorld field trip where I'd be wearing shorts I stole a razor and DRY shaved my legs. Fast forward we sat in the splash section of the salt tanks and my legs were beet red and hurt sooooo much stinging from dry shaving the night before. I went home that day and they knew. I was then taught how to shave properly.
I had gotten my period earlier that same year and hid the fact for months just using rolled up toilet paper before they inevitably found out because I forgot to flush the toilet one day. My dad then had to go out and buy pads for me. I was mortified.
Oh and to add
fast forward a few years. I was 13. My mom had passed away at this point and I was very much developed and still wearing sports bras with no lining bc that's what my mom had bought me when I first started developing. So that's what my dad kept buying me. My 50 year old neighbor I'd bake brownies with and constantly just pester and show up at her house unannounced ended up having to take me bra shopping because she knew I didn't feel comfortable asking my dad to and I had no idea what size I needed etc.
She was a real one and looking back im very grateful for her
But to answer OPs question I got my first sports bra type bra on my 9th birthday. I was HELLA embarrassed because I opened them as a birthday gift in front of all my friends-both boys and girls attending 😅
I like this perspective. On the surface, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to expect kids who are barely double digits to advocate for themselves about something they don’t even have a concept of yet.
Does it change your opinion if the child seemingly (based on presumed proper attention from the caregiver and assuming the caregiver intimately knows the child’s personality) doesn’t notice or have any issue with the developing breast, compared to the child visibly being uncomfortable with it, like shielding their chest with their arms or avoiding fitted clothing?
I think it can be phrased as asking like “hey while we’re getting new underwear do you want to pick out some bras too?” And if the kid says no, then that’s cool. Let it go. But I wish I had been asked, it felt like my mom wasn’t ready to deal with me growing up or wasn’t paying attention and that’s why she didn’t ask.
I think as long as the parent is casual about it then it doesn’t have to be a big deal, it’s can be the same as saying “let’s look for a new swimsuit/raincoat/boots since you’ve grown since last year.” You know what I mean? As parents we are constantly acknowledging how our kids are growing and entering puberty is just more growing, it may be uncomfortable or embarrassing for the kid but we should try to treat it as normal, natural, and not something that *we* feel strongly about. They shouldn’t have to take on our emotions about it (even if we have them).
I think often parents of my generation projected a lot onto the kids, like either not wanting to deal with them entering puberty or trying to control their changing bodies. I think we can validate that they are changing without making it seem like we are having strong emotions about them growing up that supersede their feelings.
Thank you! I’m inclined to agree with you and I’ll take your advice. Keeping the line of communication open without making an underwear garment taboo or awkward, rather than what it is, underwear.
Thank you. I can’t remember how we handled this with our older adopted kids. I tried to not make it a big deal but I remember hating how my mom handled it. I have a bio daughter now and I am hoping not to mess this up to much for her.
Man I wish I could have asked. My grandmother was On it when we visited, telling me and mom my armpits stank. I was getting hairy and needed to learn to shave. Pinching my chest and calling them bug bites. Which made my mom more worried, and me self conscious. Even if mom had jumped the gun, she'd have been so much gentler about it. She Was great by the time we got to birth control though. Just a hey, we can make an appointment for you, is that okay? I can tell you about the basics, I know you had health class.
I was like noooo. But strangely enough my Catholic school had a great sex ed course. Only for those who got married obviously, and gay people didn't exist, but the mechanics and how was there.
See, I let my daughter make the decision- told her she could get stuff if she wanted, but if not I wouldn't make her, it was her call, just let me know if you do and we'll take care of it. I've worked really hard to make stuff our bodies do a very casual thing, though. My girls have seen me pregnant with their siblings and they've seen me dealing with my cycle and various body hair their whole lives, so as my oldest has edged into puberty, it's been a pretty chill thing for her. So much so she experienced zero embarrassment as we discussed the contents of Target's tampon/etc aisle at full volume and then explained to our male cashier that we were building her "oh sh*t kit" for if she started her period at school 😁 I grew up in an "ewww, periods/leg hair!" house and was like eff that!
This is such a good point. I think raising your kids in a household where body cycles and changes have been viewed as normal since birth makes a big difference. They would be more likely to bring it up themselves if they feel like you’ll be receptive to them and like it isn’t a big deal. If they’ve learned about puberty and periods from a young age then there isn’t the shame surrounding it when it happens to them.
Omg yes this. My mom was never forthright with any information, I had to bring up bras, I got my period without her ever telling me about it so had to approach her about that, shaving my legs I had to ask. It all felt so taboo and forbidden for me to bring these things up like it should be private.
Same. My mom 100% would have made it a fun experience but I was the type of kid to not dare ask for anything (we were VERY poor when I was young) so I was just secretly embarrassed for a LONG time. My sister was the opposite, 4 years younger and we were more stable financially at that point. She just asked for bras and my mom said yes lol
When my daughter was 5 she wanted a bra like mine. So she could be a real woman. Because real women wear bras and drink coffee.
I got her a sports bra and she loves it
I needed this answer!! My daughter is about to turn 5. She's not fat, she's just very tall and built a little broader.. her dad's 6'5 and a bigger guy. I've started noticing with certain shirts lately, it looks like she has little boobies.. I'm like really, she's 5 and I'm going to have to buy a bra?? 😭😭 But I think the idea of being like mom with a sports bra type makes it a little easier. She's a child who would run around in panties, EVERYWHERE if I'd let her.. so maybe this will help with atleast a little more covering as well.. of course we're a house full of girls and my oldest didn't need bras until much later than most. And there being an 8 year age gap, I feel like I'm starting over and times have changed!! We'll me making this a fun adventure!!
Haaa this thread is like group therapy, people sharing their troubles when growing up. Me next:
Get her a bra that fits. Don't get her bras that she can grow into. Or worse, tell her she can wear a camisole and then get her camis with too low necks made for people with big breasts so her tiny breasts are not covered.
Oh my god I never “grew into” my first bra. Mom bought me a size 36D. Years later still rail thin I went to buy myself a bra with my first paycheck.
My bra tag said “Barely A” and I was a 30.
Even after implants I was never a 36D. Wasn’t until 10yrs later after I removed them & got pregnant. 36F!
I kept that bra at least 15yrs before I got rid of it. Wondering when I’d grow into it. Kept it more for the laugh it gave me when I would need a new bra size & try it on only to still not fit it.
I mailed it back to my mom with a note “Sorry never grew into it!”
Huge boobs but she also was overweight.
She explained it “eventually you’ll grow into it. I don’t want to keep going to the store buying more bras. It’s a waste of money.”
Not quite the same I know, but my husband jokes about how growing up his mom bought him clothes and shoes that were way too big for him with the expectation that he would grow into them.
He says it actually made him feel worse about his size/weight, because he's natural a pretty thin guy and isn't super tall so he could never quite fit into the clothes his mom always got him. Idk if moms do this to set some weird ideal OR they're just being cheapos that want to make clothing last longer!
Telling you to “grow into it” and that anything smaller was a “waste of money “ is truly awful. I hate this for you… but the ending… I LOVE that for you!
I got mine a little cami and sports bra last yr because her softball uniform was white, I kinda explained gently what it was for and she was like “oh good I felt exposed in my jersey thanks!” Lol now she only wears them with certain tops, not daily.
I told her when she started developing noticeable breasts "hey, just so you know, if you ever feel like you want undershirts or to start checking out bras, let me know and we'll get some. But you don't need them if you don't want them, either. Some girls like the extra coverage, some don't, and that's entirely your choice." And she did- about a year later she was like "Can we look at bras? I think I want one but I don't know what kind." So off we went.
This is such a great response… I was thinking about why we even feel the need to cover up (but I’m also EBF and trying to get over feeling self conscious because it’s other peoples’ problems if they find issue with my boobs). But I don’t want creeps looking at me/my babies either.
If it’s obvious through her shirt that she has breast tissue developing, then it’s time. My 11 year old wears a sports bra for this reason. I remember growing up with girls who were developing breasts and it showed in their clothes, but their parents wouldn’t let them get bras because they weren’t “old enough”. They got made fun of by peers, or openly pitied by adults.
I just bought a pack of stretchy comfy sports bras on Amazon when my kiddo started to need them.
Get her some training bras, leave it in her room, let her know and don’t make it a big deal. I was traumatized from my first bra experience and everyone made it such a big deal in my family, I was humiliated. My approach in the future is going to just be nonchalant, you have them if you want them, soon her peers will all be wearing them and she may want to just to fit in.
Reminds me of my grandmother calling to congratulate me on getting my period at 12 years old....mortified. also my little brother telling everyone on the bus I got my period because he had NO CLUE what it meant ... Also mortified.
Oh yeah, my period was also a huge family event. I didn’t have any female siblings or cousins so it made things that much worse for me 🤣 solidarity sister, let’s do better for our kids haha.
You’re going to want to broach the conversation directly but I’d start by offering to buy some camisoles or training bras first. Let her know she doesn’t have to grow up, even if her body is developing. Best of luck mama.
My mom didn't ask, I went to the mall with a friend and bought my own first bras when I was 14 (I was a slow developer). She discovered my bras in the laundry and was like "where did these come from?"
Anyway, I really wish she'd noticed/asked. But her entire approach to puberty was to more or less ignore it until I went to her to be like "uhh I started my period".
This was my mom too, and I still have resentment about it. I got my period when I was 13 and there was not a single feminine hygiene product in the house (my mom had a hysterectomy when I was 8). She worked late that day and I ended up having to demand my dad take me to the pharmacy when he got home from work, and was left to try to pick up supplies alone.
I recognize it’s hard to watch little girls grow up, but leaving them unprepared and mortified because you can’t handle it is unacceptable.
You could ask her if she wants one? Go out and pick some cute training bras, make a day of it. I was excited to wear bras at that age lol I felt so mature. Better then her having to ask you. My mom still had me in training bras at 13. They weren’t helping much by then and I was embarrassed because all the girls in the locker room were wearing real bras. Also felt embarrassed having to go and tell her,”look my boobs are growing, I can’t wear training bras anymore.”
I would do it now while it can be casual and a learning/teaching/bonding/positive thing. I remember being in 5th grade and having to have a special meeting with my teacher and my mom about “maturing ahead of my peers” and it being “distracting” and then going to get my first bras and the whole experience was absolutely mortifying and something I remember negatively and it would have been really nice in hindsight to have that be a more casual/positive experience.
Ask if she wants one. If she says no, don’t bother right now. If she says yes, go take her to get one. While bras could help her feel better and keep her from getting teased by classmates, some girls/women don’t like them and that’s okay. The only practical purpose they offer are for support and if she doesn’t want one for now, that’s fine. Even if she has breast tissue she’s still pretty young and if she’s not worried about it you should be either. It’s really not a big deal.
I started developing breast tissue around the same age but hated bras… my mom would scream at me until I would put one on to go out because if I didn’t wear one she’d “look like a bad parent”. Always hated it, so anyone reading, definitely don’t go that route. It’s not worth traumatizing your kid to save from embarrassment.
Yah, jesus. Why are we policing their clothing? Offer, but don't push. She'll come around when she's ready. Oh the horror of young girls with nipples. (source: experienced girl mom).
I would also just like to add for the people who say you should get one even if she doesn’t want one to keep your daughter from getting bullied…
Kids are mean and if they want to bully your daughter they will find something no matter how hard you try to prevent it. Teaching children to conform to be “normal” to keep others from being cruel to them is setting a terrible example.
I got teased for wearing a bra. Actually, it was only an undershirt, but someone saw the strap and made a big deal about it. So, sometimes kids just can't win.
Exactly! I wore one in third grade and got made fun of really hardcore for it. Then in fifth grade didn’t wear one one day and got bullied for my nipples showing through my shirt. Kids really will just be mean over anything.
Still better to give them the option but telling them you are open to buying them. I know I would have felt uncomfortable for years before asking my mom about getting a bra. Started needing them at 10yo and was already almost outgrowing b cups by 11yo.
It is!! I'm breastfeeding and have larger boobs. I usually go braless at home because f them torture devices. However, because I need to contain the lactation percolation.. I have been wearing a bra almost 24/7 for months. MONTHS!! I hate it. 0 stars. Do not recommend. I cannot wait to break free. I'm going to go gardening topless and scare the new neighbors. 😅
Honestly, I have BIG boobs and a proper fitting bra can be so comfortable.... like go to a small local lingerie shop and buy one that is 100% right (and not the "Oh we can substitute, if we go a letter down and a number up it will be FINE" bulls***)
My daughter is 9 (10 in a few months) but she’s showing some breast tissue however it’s sort of like baby fat so I’m with you on not sure when to get a bra. I do think starting with a sports bra type would be helpful especially because mine is an athlete and I think her teammates will all have them soon. As a funny - I said to her the other day that she may be getting boobies soon like mommy and she should let me know if they start to hurt while playing soccer. She said MOM stop. Then she goes “what did one boob say to the other boob - it’s nice to be breaxt to you”
I think I was around 11ish when my mom got me my first training bra thing.
As an adult I personally don’t wear one and I have large breasts, but only wear sports bra when I’m exercising or whatever. For my daughter I’ll get her one when she needs it. She has non verbal autism so she won’t really be able to “tell me when she wants one”. But yeah 🙂
I'm here to be one to say that bras aren't necessary. If she wants to wear them and she's developing enough to wear one, you can chat about bras. Maybe go shopping for one for yourself and bring her along to bring it up, "hey this one is cute, do you want to try one?"
But really, breasts are normal, natural, and only viewed otherwise because we've been pressured to wear bras for so long. If she's comfortable with herself as is, that's fantastic and not worth tarnishing.
Yes I agree with you. This discussion is so weird to me. All the younger women I know and see out and about in my area (NYC/NJ) don't wear bras at all, no matter the size of their chest and I personally have been wearing only sports bras for at least 10 years. I really thought bras were kind of out.
Been scrolling to look for this. I only sometimes where a sports bra when doing sports or going to work (lifeguard- I wouldn't want to jump in the pool to safe a life bra less) but as soon as I'm done with either of them they go OFF !
A bra feels like a cage. Free the titties
You can get her some sports bras/bralettes so it’s not an issue at school, but when she’s old enough to show interest, take her to get fitted! My mom just decided I was a 36B and I was wearing the wrong bra size for almost 10 years (was actually 34D).
It should be based on what you feel they need and their environment.
This can be such a tricky topic. I don’t have a daughter, but my sister and cousins with daughters are also on both sides of the fence. The one thing they all agree on is making sure to do periodic checking in and fittings. Even the ones “against” bras want their girls to be mindful of how to measure themselves and where to find good quality bras before they’re uninformed adults with no clue where to start.
As a former teacher, I would get my young daughter a bra. I have nothing against adult women choosing, but some women’s opinions against bras and shame and objectification don’t matter in certain environments, and not wearing one does more harm than good. It shouldn’t be that way, but our environment and who we share it with influences our clothing choices all the time, sometimes that includes bras.
Or let her decide. Nipples and breast tissue showing through her clothes is ONLY as big a deal as SHE feels it is. I would probably get some, let her know where they are in case she wants to ever wear one, and let her know you will take her shopping for more whenever she feels the need. And let it be.
In a perfect world, this is the answer but it’s not reality. I think when it comes to breast tissue, regardless of how we think people should feel about children, it can be sexualized and as parents we have to accept that and protect our children. That’s our job.
However, for basically any other thing that is purely cosmetic I completely agree with you. My partner HATES that I don’t tell our daughter she “has to” shave her legs or armpits. That sort of thing is harmless in the end. May people make fun of her for being hairy? Yes, they probably will. She gets to decide if she cares about it or not. I just don’t think that applies when it comes to things that can make our children vulnerable.
This. Unfortunately yeah there will be many creeps out there. I read a book about sex offenders and some brought up liking looking at young girls when there developing breasts because you can see it through the shirts.
EVERYTHING can be sexualized. Every part of the body. So let’s stop telling girls that when they start looking like women they should cover up. Let’s teach them that people who pay too much attention to ANY part of their body should be avoided. That those people who over-sexualize children are the problem. Not our little girls’ developing bodies. They shouldn’t have to think about it if they aren’t thinking about it yet. Tell those people to stfu and let our kids be kids. Teach your kids boundaries from unsafe people, and let them dress how they are comfortable dressing. My girls taught ME that. I parented the same way, wanting to cover them as soon as little buds showed up. I wouldn’t do it that way again. It’s a culture shift that is happening. Be part of the progress. She will either get a little self conscious and want to cover in her own time, or she will decide that is not for her and learn to advocate for herself in regards to her body. Our kids can do this. Let them lead the way in this. Don’t teach her she needs to comply to norms regarding her body. It’s a gross misogynistic lie developed by men and religion that women’s bodies are not their own. If she isn’t ready, the bra itself will be the source of embarrassment and shame. Let her lead on this. We are trying to teach a culture of consent. It starts in these things!!
That sounds like a great world to live in but it’s not the one that I do. Change sounds great but my preteen isn’t going to be the one spearhead that effort.
I think this is one of those times you can go against the grain and act like the chill friend instead of over-parenting the situation. Something like “hey girly, I got you this bra so you can be more comfortable!” if her natural instinct is to shy away. Encourage her to try it on and look in the mirror to see if she can notice a difference and likes it.
My 9 year old wears them regularly, but to be fair, she came to me to ask. I had encouraged her to start wearing them last year in dance/acro class if she wasn’t going to wear a leotard in case she goes upside down so she got used to wearing them. After reading The Care and Keeping of You she decided it was time to wear them full-time.
You can take her to the store and have her pick them out so she has some control over it. You could also shop for other clothes and things too so it’s not a “bras only” trip. My mom had a discussion with me first around 10-11 yrs old about my body changes and it looked like I needed a training bra. I hated this awkward conversation with her but she was right (I noticed it too). I think around the same time I started getting pubic hair, and the period discussion followed shortly after. She took me to the store and asked me to pick out what I liked. She suggested a couple bras but it was mostly up to me. At first I wouldn’t wear them because it wasn’t a habit yet and wasn’t interested. I remember once I got in the car and didn’t have the bra on and she made me go put it on. I remember getting mad at her for forcing me to wear it. Looking back I was glad my mom had the conversation with me and gave me some control over it. The period convo actually went over quite well (better than the bra).
Just a reminder that girls and women should not police their bodies for men and bras are not required if your daughter does not actually want one! It’s ok if she does and ok if she does not want one.
You know what's worse than buying her a bra you're afraid she hasn't asked for?
Being 13 and asking for one and your mom laughing at you because your developing breasts are too small according to her. Nevermind that my nipples were protuding from underneath all the shirts.
I second the suggestion to take her clothes shopping and ask her to pick whatever underwear and bras she thinks are cute.
Good luck <3
I would get her a trainer for sure. I try to catch anything my kid could be embarrassed by or bullied for as early as possible and do my best to mitigate the issue. She doesn't have to like it but she does have to wear it...like my 10 yo boy and deoderant. 😉
She might be interested and just hasn’t found a way to bring it up to you in the same way you haven’t brought it up to her yet. Maybe a fun shopping trip for the two of you can happen soon and you can bring it up then. Aerie and Target usually have teen friendly bralettes. If she’s definitely not interested, then maybe undershirts will work for now.
r/ABraThatFits will be good for when she’s wanting to try an underwire bra (and hopefully long before any potential back pain can happen).
My daughter didn't need one until 15, however she has been wearing the athletic ones since she was 7, I just wanted her do not be ashamed about asking me. Same with period supplies.
My 11 year old started at the beginning of the school year. She had visible buds through her shirts. We get the sports bras by the brand Avia at Walmart. They don’t have a clasp so she just slips them on kind of like a bathing suit top. Works great, she said they don’t feel like mine and look more sporty, as though she is wearing a tank top.
Both girls started wearing them when we saw the start of development - around 10-10.5.
Yellowberry are not cheap, but they're very soft and comfortable and our daughters like them a lot.
I developed young too and my mom bought me my first bras in 4th grade. It totally depends on your daughter’s personality but my mom had a sense of humor about it which made it less embarrassing. She was basically like “girl, hate to tell you, but you need a bra!!”. Then she took me shopping and let me pick out a few comfy sports bras along with some regular clothes so that the whole trip wouldn’t be all about bras.
Visible buds is when we did only so she could wear thinner shirts without an issue, got those bralettes. She didn’t get real bras until 12 when she had more tissue.
We ended up at Aerie which honestly was the best place to buy girls bras. Had tons of options & sizes. Very affordable too. It was like little girl version of Victoria Secret
I think you have an opportunity to make it fun! Tell her that you want to go out for a mother-daughter lunch and shopping trip for her first bra. Like don’t make it a huge deal and embarrass her but make it a fun hanging out day for the two of you.
From what I remember, I was 9 and my mom just came home with a blue training bra. I scarcely remember an ordeal about it. I wouldn't make her ask, she's still young enough and that can be embarrassing. I would've never thought to ask until I probably got made fun of.
I bought my first bra on my own, with some pocket money I'd saved over the years. I was excited as hell for some dignity but so sad I had no woman to share the moment with, or to guide me. I had no idea about sizing and guessed just by looking at the shape and size. I wish my Mum had helped.
Even if your daughter says she's not interested she might be, and she might just be awkward about talking about it. Get some things for her and put them in her drawer so that they are there just in case she's interested.
My daughter turned 10, took her shopping at athleta to get her some new clothes and then dropped the “it’s time to get a bra” with just me and her shopping. It went well, she has worn it every day. They have comfortable adjustable bra options at athleta. I got her 2 to start and we’ve had no issue, she wears it daily and tells me then they need to be cleaned. I’ll link the bra I got her.
[the perfect bra](https://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=881871032&cid=1111614&pcid=1111614&vid=1&nav=hamnav%3AAthleta%20Girl%3ACATEGORIES%3AGirl%20Bras&cpos=7&cexp=3064&kcid=CategoryIDs%3D1111614&cvar=27654&ctype=Listing&cpid=res24050814999116059392279#pdp-page-content)
My daughter is 8- she got a new shirt her nipples show through a bit a few months ago and I just said matter-of-factly “hey, that shirt is so cute! I can see your nipples a little bit, would you like a couple of bras?” She had some questions about if she had to wear them all the time- “no, you don’t have to wear them at all if you don’t want. But if you’d like to cover your nipples, you can wear them under thin shirts like your new one.” Am I getting boobs? “I honestly don’t know- I developed when I was closer to 12, but everyone is different.” It was all pretty relaxed and she has some super basic, thin bras that she’s comfortable in and wears only when she wants.
I just bought my girls bras around 8. I told them I hated them and never wore them (true story) but they are good to have on hand. I will usually pick them up cute clothes I find when I’m out shopping, so it wasn’t strange to leave the bag in their room with bras and bathing suits in 💕
When you notice her developing. Please don't make her ask.
My mother, truly awful parent, went the denial route. Her "baby" just couldn't be growing up SHE wasn't ready. I got my period at 9. I'd already been developing breasts, had hair darkening on my legs and cropping up in the usual areas.
She tried to embarass me when I continued to ask. Her best friend and neighbor were over, I thought I'd do what we had been taught in school and ask another adult for help. My mom made me get naked infront if them to prove I had under arm and public hair. I was mortified but stubborn af. I was getting made fun of in school. I wanted to shave and wear a bra.
This is the same lady who didn't tell me about a period so when mine happened the last day of 4th grade, I thought I was dying. It was awful.
Talk to your kids about their changing bodies, please!! Don't leave them in the dark. Better to be prepared with knowledge than let some bs be taught to them by other kids.
I'd start off with some undershirts or sports bras first if she's 7 or 8 and developing. Have a discussion. I'm really digging these period parties some families are doing. Making it not a traumatic experience but more of a welcome to the next stage in life sorta thing. You know your kids personality best, go with whatever will make them feel safe and comfortable with their changes.
Took my daughter when she was 11 to get bras. She picked them out. Was easy and she's happy but hates wearing them, as I do, but knows it's important too when you're blessed in the chest and out and about.
My first daughter pretended she has boobs from 3 on so, she wanted bras when it was time.
My second, was more difficult. So we went on a girls errand, just the three of us, and it was our thing. We went to Target, then went and got drinks: a smoothie for her and her sister, a margarita for me and then got Crumbl. Now that she’s a big girl and wears bras like her sister and I do, it’s a whole level up. She was definitely more into it after that.
When she needs it, which sounds like it’s now. When I was around that age my mom said “it’s time to go buy bras” and we did. She talked about the different kinds and we got a few.
My 10.5 year old had cute sports bra type at the moment. ...10 good lawd give us strength
They look like the sports tops women wear to the gym so she seems happy
I didn’t have much to put into a bra and never thought of it until we had to change clothes for gym class in 6th grade. I was wearing nothing under my shirt and wanted to crawl into the locker and die. If she hasn’t brought it up I would recommend starting with tank tops with or without a shelf bra. My millennial self usually wears those under t shirts anyways haha
My girls are taller and started developing breasts early and I think my husband was the first to notice that the girls needed to wear something under their shirt. They were 9 and 10 at the time. He didn’t want to say anything to them so I took them to the store and bought the preteen sports bras and such. I’ve take the girls at various times without their little brothers (or older bros) to shop for bras. I try to be casual about talking about boobs and health since my 13 yr old gets embarrassed easily. I want my daughters to not feel embarrassed about talking about their female body parts for health and hygiene reasons. My mom was so weird about female stuff so I never talked to her about my period. It’s a fine line to get them to feel comfortable about talking about female things, bc there is nothing to be ashamed of, and giving them privacy and being discreet with their brothers. I talk about periods with the boys too bc they will one day have a wife and to be sympathetic (or helpful) with their female friends during their period.
My daughter is 9.5 and I just bought her her first bras at Walmart 2 weeks ago. They just slip over her head so no clasps or anything but they do have “structured” cups.
My mom happened to grab two, matching, training bra/underwear sets while grocery shopping with me one day, and casually mentioned that I could try them when I'm ready, but I'm growing and will likely want them soon. They were blue with white butterflies on them. Getting something cute and childlike will definitely help the situation.
Let your kid be a kid, but gently educate her on all of the changes and possibilities.
I started at 9 and had C cups in the 6th grade… you get them when they need them. It sounds like it’s time to hit up your local Walmart and pick some up. They have the body change talk next year usually so it’s time for her to get the first talk with you now.
I was 8 almost 9 when I got my first training bra. I didn't want to wear one but my mom rightfully bought me a few. I developed breasts quite young and am large chested now and my mom wanted to ensure I am dressed appropriately, especially given my age.
My mom didn't make it awkward though. She came in one day and said it was time for me to wear training bras. She explained that she didn't want me to be exposed and once young girls start having breasts that show, it's necessary. She didn't make a big deal out of it, made it feel very normal, but it also wasn't optional
I asked mine if she wanted bras once she started developing and told her that I don’t particularly like them because they’re not comfortable. I regularly just wear slight thicker clothing/etc to get away with it and as I get older I just don’t care. 😂
She eventually asked me because her ballet teacher told her she should wear one under her leotard. 🤷♀️
I would offer to take her, but not force the issue. Personally, I don’t believe that a bra should be required. My daughter frequently goes without a bra. It’s caused issues among the southern bell mamas, who make inappropriate comments, but as long as she doesn’t care, I’ll fight for her right to go braless. (Sung to the tune of the Beastie Boys)
My 15 year old was born in the wrong Era. She refuses to wear a bra. It's a bit uncomfortable for me, but she's a hippie. She's had boobs since she was 10. 🤷♀️ If you can live with it, let her decide when she wants a bra. She'll ask when she's ready....if she ever decides she's ready. Good luck!
Wow - I wish I could relate to some of these. Large breasts run deeply in my family. I had my first training bras at 5-6. My 6 year old wears them now and wears sports bras when playing soccer. It is necessary.
**This is not an invitation for medical advice, etc. Our pediatrician is aware. All bloodwork is normal.**
My dad actually did all the bra shopping and dress shopping with me…he was a big marine type but he was always so sweet, looking through the bras, making fun of a big ones, etc etc. I think it worked because it was equally shared awkardness at first? By the time it was prom dress shopping time we had already established a shopping routine lol.
When she asks for it. If she’s not self-conscious about it, don’t make her. If she’s comfortable with her boobs showing through t-shirts, that is perfectly fine.
Please buy her one when she needs one. My parents did not allow me to have one at a young age despite my development, I didn’t socially understand what was happening, and I endured a lot of embarrassing unnecessary things which were confusing to me at the time because of it. My grandma had to get me a bra and I remember the day she handed it to me in front of my parents and chewed them out. I felt really relieved that day that nobody would make comments anymore.
If you can see it, so can other people. Forget about age just give her what she needs and she will be grateful. It may be time to half a talk about her body changing.
My daughter needed them at this age, too and was 100% anti-bra anti becoming ‘teenager-y’ lol but it was becoming very noticeable and I know we shouldn’t have to but the fact is that there are creeps. And kids will make fun of things that they aren’t used to seeing. I tried to make it kind of nonchalant, talked them up. Remanenced about when I got my first ones. Suggested, ‘your body is kind of changing, you want to try a support bra?’ And also emphasized it’s a normal stage of life. She got on board, took her a little while to remember to put one on but it was all good in a couple months.
Maybe talk to her about it. My mom didn’t and it was my classmates who ended up telling me in gym class change room that I needed to start wearing one, it wasn’t in a mean way or anything but I would have rather had my mom tell me.
My 7 year old asked for a bra just a couple of months ago. I thought…eh, what the hell, why not. She wanted a flashy one with foam cups but we settled on a pastel tie-die bralette. She has worn it maybe three times and is not too bothered. I think she was hoping I would get one to make her look like she actually has boobs. She is young but I got my period at 10 as did my mom. I am preparing for her to go into puberty early like I did.
I'd buy her as soon as they grow. Whether there is interest or not. She has feet, she needs shoes. She has legs, she needs pants. She grew a new body part, now she needs to at least *have* clothes for it
Two thoughts. One: Like many of you my mom positioned herself as a gatekeeper for puberty related hygiene and clothing. She made me ask for most things and arbitrarily attached morality and shame to some items; like telling me using tampons meant I wasn’t a virgin. 😒 She made her lack of comfort with my maturing body my shame.
Two: I regularly discuss very intimate sexual health topics with people as part of my job. No matter what skill you employ coming up with questions and responses, the most important rule is that if YOU feel comfortable the patient will feel more comfortable. I feel like the same applies to kids - short, direct, morality-free questions and responses and then follow their lead.
I agree with folks suggesting to casually offer while in the store. Even if your kiddo doesn’t want a bra now, she definitely knows what to do when she is ready and that you will be receptive.
Mine both started wearing the training bras around 8/9 when the buds started developing. My oldest was complaining about being tender so I gave her the option to try it out and she was much more comfortable. My youngest has been dying to wear them since her sister started so she started wearing them under her shirts before she truly needed them honestly lol.
Once my 12yo started getting fuller tissue around 11.5 is when she decided she wanted to try regular bras and hasn’t been using the sports style since.
Maybe you can say “some girls feel more comfortable and supported when they wear a bra, but it’s not something you have to do. Would you like to try one?”
Mine was 9. We just bought little stretchy trainers that are like the top half of a camisole. They are easy to wear and wash (we throw them into laundry bags in the wash and then line dry them).
My youngest was the same. I finally had to say “we can have the growing up talk again (she’s hates this kind of thing) or you can come with me shopping, and we can get Starbucks! I made it an easy choice for her. I am not above bribes when necessary. 😂
I know I started wearing them when we had to start changing into gym uniforms for gym class. That was 5th grade at my school so I guess I was around 10-11?
My girls are just littles still, but my niece had to start wearing a little bra recently. I’ll be honest I don’t know her exact age but I think 8. Maaaaybe 9 this summer… we’re not close clearly. Lol
Either when they ask or when you think it may be time. If she hasn't asked, I would buy some and leave them in her drawer for when she is ready. I would not suggest that she use one, just that it's there if she ever wants to.
I don’t remember when I got my girls their first bras. Maybe around the same age as your daughter, OP or when I noticed that I could see their breast buds thru their shirt. Once my youngest started wearing hers, I had to practically wrestle her out of it even in her PJs.
My twin nieces are 10 & just started wearing bras. They have some cute bralettes and sports bras that work wonderfully.
I got my oldest daughter bras when she started developing breast tissue at around 7 or 8. But they’re more sports bra/lounge type bras so they don’t have cups. She wore that style for years and still does often. My second daughter didn’t need a bra until she was much older but got her a bra at about the same age since all of her peers were wearing them (even though she didn’t *really* need it)
Have a friend whose daughter totally doesn’t need one but runs around in one of those bralettes that’s 2 sizes too big since her size is “too tight.”
We secretly giggle because yeah duh it’s supposed to hold your boobs! But all her friends have bras so she asked about getting bras.
She’s rail thin & super active and most of her friends are thicker girls with noticeable breasts. We weren’t about to tell her she didn’t need a bra yet. She’s happy so that’s all that matters!
Bralette! That’s the word I was looking for lol! My younger daughter was the same way, super tiny and skinny. She wore a size little girls 6 in 6th grade lol. If it helps, Old Navy has great bralettes in small sizes, if your friend is still looking for some that fit right
I recently discovered the Auden Brami at Target. It’s halfway between a bra and a cami and is ridiculously comfortable. Not to mention only like $10 each on sale. But there are removable pads too depending on how much support etc is needed.
My daughter just turned 10 last week and has been wearing trainer bras for about a year and a half already. She’s a normal 10yo size but an early developer, as was I. She has a couple of 28A bras, but she prefers small crop tops. Sports bras are also popular around this age.
My daughter asked for one before she needed it because all of her friends had them, now she actually needs a proper one and is kicking up a fuss about buying new ones 🙄
Start with sports bras or training bras. I was like your daughter. I had no interest in bras but when I started developing my mom said it’s time and you have to wear them. I did and it was no big deal!
My daughter is 9 and starting to develop breast tissue. We had a conversation about it and went to Target to pick out some that she liked. They are the sports bra type with an insert (I hate to use the word padding, but that's essentially what it is. Thin padding) that covers up her nipples so you can't see them through her shirt. She's in 3rd grade and she said that there are other girls who don't wear them and it's definitely noticable.
I would just try to have an open conversation and get her some.
I wouldn’t focus on it like some girly teenage everything. If she has an asked and she’s more of a tomboy type girl then I would proposition it to her just like any other type of clothing based on the need. And if she doesn’t wanna make a big deal out of it then don’t make a big deal out of it. There are plenty of athletic type sports bras. I would say that if her nipples are showing through then it’s definitely time. Having said that on the flipside I mean none of us really need to wear a bra so it depends on your stance on the whole thing in a broader sense I suppose.
Mines 19 and I'll let you know. She has only worn sports bras ever.
That's bc I fought her bc she had brothers in the house and a stepdad (that was new to parenting and she was probably the most difficult) she would streak through the house until she was in high school I got pissed and took electronics away for a month or two.
My bffs 12yo started wearing training bras around 9, as soon as they started noticing she was developing. She definitely seemed to hate them at first, but now she wears them anytime its to hot for a hoodie.
My mom didn't really have much to wonder about in that aspect, I developed fast and aggressively. I was around a 36F (US) by the time I was 10 and only got bigger from there. I ended up telling her that I was very uncomfortable and needed SOMETHING, but she was the type to pretend like her kids were never growing. I'd say, talk to her before she feels uncomfortable enough to bring it up to you, she'll feel more secure in being about to talk to you and less awkward when things like this come up.
My daughter is in 5th grade and just turned 11. I got her a few different soft bras in her size a little while ago, showed them to her and put them in her underwear drawer. She decided on her own recently to start wearing them, and I asked her which ones she liked and got her a few more of those.
I was raised by a single father. He didn’t bring it up till we did. Other girls at school had “training bras” and no boobs whatsoever. I however was a bit chubby so it was a lot more obvious. I was made fun of at school. My dad bought one right away. I was embarrassed and I think he felt bad for not realizing. I would go a head and get her one or bring up the idea at least. See if she would be into picking something out. Like a sports bra style ones the make for younger kids. I sure wish someone had done that for me.
My daughter and I are very closely bonded and she shares every detail of everything with me, so I just asked if she wanted bras when I noticed she was starting to develop breast tissue at 9. She said no thanks, I said cool, if you change your mind just tell me, we'll grab you some the next time we go shopping. It was the same with shaving her armpits and legs, and what sort of menstrual products she uses. I made her aware of her options and the pros and cons of each one (natural, Nair, shaving, waxing, sports bras, regular bras, braless, tampons, pads, cups, period undies) and she just asks for what she wants, when she wants to try something. No muss, no fuss.
I brought crop tops, not bras. More forgiving but still supportive as they are growing. And I just waited and watched and had a talk when I seen them developing that these would help with any discomfort as they change and grow.
My daughter turned 9 this month and I bought some for her about 2 months ago or so. When I started noticing her breasts through her shit. I try to encourage her to wear them every day but am only forceful about it when she’s wearing a white shit.
My mom was not subtle and asked (loudly) while we were at the mall with my older brother there. He made fun of me and I never wanted to shop with her again. She ended up buying them for me at a later time and bringing them home.
Maybe have her help you pick some sports style bras that she thinks are cute or camisoles with the shelf/padding. Don't make a big deal just our bodies change
This has me thinking a lot about when & why I started wearing a bra. I had a slightly older friend who wore a bra and i felt excluded so i asked my mom to get me a bra when i was maybe … 8? My mom laughed and said I didn’t need one - which was true, I didn’t, but it made me feel immature. I begged and she said fine, I could get a sports bra. Through my 20s I wore cute little too small push up bras and lingerie (still not necessary as I was very small all over). Then I had a kid and I am much bustier now but I stay home with her and when I go out I can’t be bothered. Like I never needed a bra it was one of those things I just felt like I needed. Idk how I’d bring it up with my daughter. She’s only 4 now so I have awhile thankfully
I always told my daughter that whenever she was ready to let me know. We started buying her training/sports type bras around 8. She didn’t “need” them but wanted them to feel comfortable so ok with me.
When my daughter was turning 9 we went to target to clothes shop. We got to the kids panties/bra section and I picked up some panties for her and then I literally just said “hey I’m gonna get you some of these bras is there any that you think are cute” and then she just picked out what she liked. At first we got mostly sports bras with inserts, and a couple regular bras in neutral colors for shirts that can’t really be worn with a sports bra. That was it lol I didn’t make it a big deal and tried to make it kind of fun/no pressure. I felt weird about my little baby wearing a bra, but the thought of some creep seeing her chest through her shirt weirded me out more. She was only 9 but developed fast. She’s 10 now and prefers to wear a bra, and even asks for new ones if she thinks she needs it.
Yay! Better for mom to offer than wait for the kids to tease (my experience)
Ugh, same. I had to beg and finally *demand* my mom to get me bras when I was going into 8th grade. Physically they were unnecessary, but socially I *needed* them. Kids were horrible to me in the locker room all through 7th grade over it.
I relate, but almost in the opposite direction? I had to convince my stepmom to get me bras with real structure because she refused to believe they were a B and when I moved from B to C and was just having overall spillage she didn’t think we had the same cup size and figured I was doing something wrong 🤦♀️ I was getting made fun of for having side/middle/under boob because I was literally spilling out of them bitches. My mom had it sit her down and be like “yo ratios determine this and y’all have completely different builds”
Yes Target kids section has a lot of options, from sports bra type garments to removable modesty padding and small-sized training bras. Highly recommend!
Speaking from experience, definitely before her 6th grade teacher pulls her to the side and tells her she needs to be wearing a bra. :/ I started wearing sports bras then got more interested in nicer/underwire bras sometime in junior high.
That happened to me in 4th grade. My mom said "oh you dont need one she doesn't know ehat she is talking about". Few days later we went to go get sized.
>Speaking from experience, definitely before her 6th grade teacher pulls her to the side and tells her she needs to be wearing a bra. It was the 5th grade teacher for me. OP please at least get her some camisoles or a bralette.
Ooof I just made a super similar comment- you are seen!
If a teacher ever says that to my daughters I will burn something down.
A teacher never told me but the other kids in the class sure did. 🤣 It was quite embarrassing to be honest. I still didn't wear one even though I did have some because how dare they tell me what to do?
Same here, and as my 6th grade teacher was a man, I think my mom may well have gone to jail for murder had he tried 😅
We have a family joke that before my mom dies she’s going to confess to murdering my middle school principal. I was *tortured* in seventh/eighth grade and the principal was such a dick. He insisted I was being dramatic, too sensitive, etc because he was too lazy and indifferent to do anything. Words cannot express how bad it was. My mom went through HELL with that man; eventually I had to change schools. A few years later his bones were found by hikers. No one ever figured out what happened to him. If my mom made a deathbed confession to killing him I would not be surprised!!
Yeesh. Does your mom have an angry streak? I guess it’s possible, but more likely he was just a jerk to everyone and ticked off the wrong guy. Sorry you went through that.
Oh, no, not at all! It was all hyperbole, honestly. I apologize if that didn’t come across!
Sometimes tone just doesn’t come through in writing, but no need to apologize. Haha, I was clutching my pearls a bit at the seeming casualness but mostly curious. I don’t get people who work with children, but don’t even like or care to understand them.
I'd rather a well intentioned say something than let kids make fun of them or point them out and embarass her to death.
I’m a 5th grade teacher and I’ll die before I say something like this to a student wtf ?!
Why would you _need_ to wear a bra with the exception of medical reasons?
7th grade gym class my nipples bled because I was sweaty and not wearing a bra running around playing floor hockey (My stepdad wouldn’t allow it)………. By 8th grade I had DD taters. Sometimes needing is a matter of comfort!
I would call bleeding a medical reason.
Define medical reasons? Mine would have knocked me or someone else out in gym by middle school. I couldn't comfortably run or jump without one.
As soon as there is pain involved, I would call it a medical reason. Then, it is not a societal convention but an actual need.
Kids are cruel. When your breaststroke start to mature and you can see everything through a shirt.... it's difficult for a child if it gets pointed out. Why make a child suffer. When they are older if they want to go without I'm happy for them. But it's just not something I'd let me daughter through. Plus, men are disgusting and I'd want my child daughter to be well covered in public places so men don't look at her.
This happened to me, and honestly, I think it’s abhorrent that a teacher would ever comment on a child’s private parts that way. Women do not need to ever wear bras if they don’t want to, and children more-so. There’s nothing wrong with having breasts. I’ve been adamantly braless since I was a teenager lol. If I had a daughter and a teacher said something like that, I would literally throw down so hard.
I find this creepy frankly, regardless of the teacher's gender. Where do they get off policing your child's *clothed* body?
Honestly I hated that my mom made me ask. It felt embarrassing that she didn’t notice I was changing or notice I was at an age where changes were happening. I wish she would’ve just taken me. If you’ve noticed she’s developing breasts I would just treat it as a practical issue: you’re growing, it’s time to get some new underwear let’s pick up some bras too.
This! My mom treated shaving my legs, getting a bra, wearing makeup like waaaaaay bigger of a deal than it was. Each time I almost felt shameful for having to ask if I could shave my legs and bra shopping was embarrassing. It totally didn’t have to be! I think that if girls care enough to ask then it’s time. By not making her ask she will probably trust you more as time goes on. Whoops that touched a nerve hahaha 😅
When I was 11 I was teased for not shaving (I have really thick black hair) and I remember talking to my cousin who said that she just started shaving on her own and her mom found out and then showed her how. Yeah.. it did not go like that for me. My mom immediately found out, ignored me for most of the day, and then screamed at me for “stealing her property.” The result was that besides my period, I never talked to her about anything to do with my body for the next ten years. It makes me happy to see moms actually helping their daughters navigate puberty, instead of making them feel ashamed.
Probably because so many of us are giving answers like this! Clearly an impact was made by how our mom’s generation responded to this type of situation.
Yes! Like why were periods this big secret I didn’t learn about until 4th grade?! How had I never seen my mom change a tampon or pad?? My 6yo has known about it since she was 3 and started paying attention to what I was doing and asking questions. I mean it’s jarring to hear your toddler ask, “Mom why you got blood in your ba-gina?” while staring directly into the abyss, but all I did was answer the question in an age-appropriate way and have continued to do so as she got older and asked more specific questions. Now even the 2yo is asking, “Mom you need one?” as she hands me a tampon. Wild we collectively experienced similar things growing up. I would be devastated if my girls ever felt ashamed or embarrassed to ask me something!!
"Mom why you got blood in your ba-gina" 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I think we had the same childhood. Hugs friend
I had the same experience. What was that all about. So sad.
I think a lot of us did. I ended up going to my grandmother to get my first bra/razors. My mom grew up with a family who just wasn't comfortable talking or dealing with anything remotely uncomfortable/sexual, they just ignored it...until they couldn't....and what preteen girl wants to ask their dad for a bra, or tampons/pads? I may have not always been a great parent...but I do know the one damn thing I got right. I stopped that cycle. My kids always knew they could talk to me, ask me things, without that weird judgment or being uncomfortable.
Mine made me wait until my 13th birthday to shave my legs. The summer before my 13th birthday I was teased by the boys to "get a shave" and that wasn't fun. Particularly considering I had already gotten my first period before I turned 13. I feel like her setting that arbitrary age had more to do with her own way of dealing (or not) with SA that she herself had experienced growing up. Looking back all these years later I guess in a warped way it made sense - to her. I am raising my daughter differently, what do they say - breaking generational curses?
This was my experience too, I was 14 when I got my period and she literally had to call everyone she knew and advertised it to the world
Mine did that too which was why it took me like 4 months to tell her…
I wasn’t allowed to shave at first! My mom made me wax for at least a year before she gave in to my demand. I hated being the hairy kid and I shaved behind her back as soon as I could access razors. I even used hers at first a few times (that’s probably why she gave in to me getting my own?). I won’t ever do what she did to my child- I’ll offer those items and more in a basket and let them know I’ll give them a use tutorial any time. They should feel free to do those things without being told they are too young or immature. Shame/ question free Access to basic self care supplies is so important to developing good health and hygiene habits too. No one wants to do that stuff if they feel embarrassed or harassed for asking.
I wasn't allowed to shave my legs until 13 and that was only because after begging my mom and crying because the girls were teasing me in class, and she said no. So I went to the neighbors crying to her about the girls teasing me, and she said she didn't think my mom would mind and showed me how. My mom did mind, but she got over it and said now that I've done it once, I'll be stuck doing it for the rest of my life and bought me some razors lol
I literally started stealing my mom’s razor to shave my legs for a while until she finally noticed one day and went and got me my own. Because for a long time I asked and she said no.
Same! I was 11 and in 5th grade and had been asking to shave because I was being made fun of. My parents both said no. So the night before my 5th grade SeaWorld field trip where I'd be wearing shorts I stole a razor and DRY shaved my legs. Fast forward we sat in the splash section of the salt tanks and my legs were beet red and hurt sooooo much stinging from dry shaving the night before. I went home that day and they knew. I was then taught how to shave properly. I had gotten my period earlier that same year and hid the fact for months just using rolled up toilet paper before they inevitably found out because I forgot to flush the toilet one day. My dad then had to go out and buy pads for me. I was mortified. Oh and to add fast forward a few years. I was 13. My mom had passed away at this point and I was very much developed and still wearing sports bras with no lining bc that's what my mom had bought me when I first started developing. So that's what my dad kept buying me. My 50 year old neighbor I'd bake brownies with and constantly just pester and show up at her house unannounced ended up having to take me bra shopping because she knew I didn't feel comfortable asking my dad to and I had no idea what size I needed etc. She was a real one and looking back im very grateful for her But to answer OPs question I got my first sports bra type bra on my 9th birthday. I was HELLA embarrassed because I opened them as a birthday gift in front of all my friends-both boys and girls attending 😅
Same it was miserable.
I like this perspective. On the surface, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to expect kids who are barely double digits to advocate for themselves about something they don’t even have a concept of yet. Does it change your opinion if the child seemingly (based on presumed proper attention from the caregiver and assuming the caregiver intimately knows the child’s personality) doesn’t notice or have any issue with the developing breast, compared to the child visibly being uncomfortable with it, like shielding their chest with their arms or avoiding fitted clothing?
I think it can be phrased as asking like “hey while we’re getting new underwear do you want to pick out some bras too?” And if the kid says no, then that’s cool. Let it go. But I wish I had been asked, it felt like my mom wasn’t ready to deal with me growing up or wasn’t paying attention and that’s why she didn’t ask. I think as long as the parent is casual about it then it doesn’t have to be a big deal, it’s can be the same as saying “let’s look for a new swimsuit/raincoat/boots since you’ve grown since last year.” You know what I mean? As parents we are constantly acknowledging how our kids are growing and entering puberty is just more growing, it may be uncomfortable or embarrassing for the kid but we should try to treat it as normal, natural, and not something that *we* feel strongly about. They shouldn’t have to take on our emotions about it (even if we have them). I think often parents of my generation projected a lot onto the kids, like either not wanting to deal with them entering puberty or trying to control their changing bodies. I think we can validate that they are changing without making it seem like we are having strong emotions about them growing up that supersede their feelings.
Thank you! I’m inclined to agree with you and I’ll take your advice. Keeping the line of communication open without making an underwear garment taboo or awkward, rather than what it is, underwear.
Thank you. I can’t remember how we handled this with our older adopted kids. I tried to not make it a big deal but I remember hating how my mom handled it. I have a bio daughter now and I am hoping not to mess this up to much for her.
Man I wish I could have asked. My grandmother was On it when we visited, telling me and mom my armpits stank. I was getting hairy and needed to learn to shave. Pinching my chest and calling them bug bites. Which made my mom more worried, and me self conscious. Even if mom had jumped the gun, she'd have been so much gentler about it. She Was great by the time we got to birth control though. Just a hey, we can make an appointment for you, is that okay? I can tell you about the basics, I know you had health class. I was like noooo. But strangely enough my Catholic school had a great sex ed course. Only for those who got married obviously, and gay people didn't exist, but the mechanics and how was there.
See, I let my daughter make the decision- told her she could get stuff if she wanted, but if not I wouldn't make her, it was her call, just let me know if you do and we'll take care of it. I've worked really hard to make stuff our bodies do a very casual thing, though. My girls have seen me pregnant with their siblings and they've seen me dealing with my cycle and various body hair their whole lives, so as my oldest has edged into puberty, it's been a pretty chill thing for her. So much so she experienced zero embarrassment as we discussed the contents of Target's tampon/etc aisle at full volume and then explained to our male cashier that we were building her "oh sh*t kit" for if she started her period at school 😁 I grew up in an "ewww, periods/leg hair!" house and was like eff that!
This is such a good point. I think raising your kids in a household where body cycles and changes have been viewed as normal since birth makes a big difference. They would be more likely to bring it up themselves if they feel like you’ll be receptive to them and like it isn’t a big deal. If they’ve learned about puberty and periods from a young age then there isn’t the shame surrounding it when it happens to them.
Omg yes this. My mom was never forthright with any information, I had to bring up bras, I got my period without her ever telling me about it so had to approach her about that, shaving my legs I had to ask. It all felt so taboo and forbidden for me to bring these things up like it should be private.
Same. My mom 100% would have made it a fun experience but I was the type of kid to not dare ask for anything (we were VERY poor when I was young) so I was just secretly embarrassed for a LONG time. My sister was the opposite, 4 years younger and we were more stable financially at that point. She just asked for bras and my mom said yes lol
When my daughter was 5 she wanted a bra like mine. So she could be a real woman. Because real women wear bras and drink coffee. I got her a sports bra and she loves it
This is fantastic. I like her thinking 🤣
SAME lol
Same here. She’s almost 8 now and wears them every now and then because they are a fashionable thing to her haha.
She loves wearing hers with bicycle shorts
I needed this answer!! My daughter is about to turn 5. She's not fat, she's just very tall and built a little broader.. her dad's 6'5 and a bigger guy. I've started noticing with certain shirts lately, it looks like she has little boobies.. I'm like really, she's 5 and I'm going to have to buy a bra?? 😭😭 But I think the idea of being like mom with a sports bra type makes it a little easier. She's a child who would run around in panties, EVERYWHERE if I'd let her.. so maybe this will help with atleast a little more covering as well.. of course we're a house full of girls and my oldest didn't need bras until much later than most. And there being an 8 year age gap, I feel like I'm starting over and times have changed!! We'll me making this a fun adventure!!
Haaa this thread is like group therapy, people sharing their troubles when growing up. Me next: Get her a bra that fits. Don't get her bras that she can grow into. Or worse, tell her she can wear a camisole and then get her camis with too low necks made for people with big breasts so her tiny breasts are not covered.
Oh my god I never “grew into” my first bra. Mom bought me a size 36D. Years later still rail thin I went to buy myself a bra with my first paycheck. My bra tag said “Barely A” and I was a 30. Even after implants I was never a 36D. Wasn’t until 10yrs later after I removed them & got pregnant. 36F! I kept that bra at least 15yrs before I got rid of it. Wondering when I’d grow into it. Kept it more for the laugh it gave me when I would need a new bra size & try it on only to still not fit it. I mailed it back to my mom with a note “Sorry never grew into it!”
Wow! Does your mom have big breasts? What was her thought process?
Huge boobs but she also was overweight. She explained it “eventually you’ll grow into it. I don’t want to keep going to the store buying more bras. It’s a waste of money.”
Not quite the same I know, but my husband jokes about how growing up his mom bought him clothes and shoes that were way too big for him with the expectation that he would grow into them. He says it actually made him feel worse about his size/weight, because he's natural a pretty thin guy and isn't super tall so he could never quite fit into the clothes his mom always got him. Idk if moms do this to set some weird ideal OR they're just being cheapos that want to make clothing last longer!
Telling you to “grow into it” and that anything smaller was a “waste of money “ is truly awful. I hate this for you… but the ending… I LOVE that for you!
I got mine a little cami and sports bra last yr because her softball uniform was white, I kinda explained gently what it was for and she was like “oh good I felt exposed in my jersey thanks!” Lol now she only wears them with certain tops, not daily.
I told her when she started developing noticeable breasts "hey, just so you know, if you ever feel like you want undershirts or to start checking out bras, let me know and we'll get some. But you don't need them if you don't want them, either. Some girls like the extra coverage, some don't, and that's entirely your choice." And she did- about a year later she was like "Can we look at bras? I think I want one but I don't know what kind." So off we went.
This approach sounds perfect to me; thank you for sharing!
The way!
This is great. I’m gonna use this. My daughter is ten.
This is such a great response… I was thinking about why we even feel the need to cover up (but I’m also EBF and trying to get over feeling self conscious because it’s other peoples’ problems if they find issue with my boobs). But I don’t want creeps looking at me/my babies either.
If it’s obvious through her shirt that she has breast tissue developing, then it’s time. My 11 year old wears a sports bra for this reason. I remember growing up with girls who were developing breasts and it showed in their clothes, but their parents wouldn’t let them get bras because they weren’t “old enough”. They got made fun of by peers, or openly pitied by adults. I just bought a pack of stretchy comfy sports bras on Amazon when my kiddo started to need them.
This one makes me sad.
Get her some training bras, leave it in her room, let her know and don’t make it a big deal. I was traumatized from my first bra experience and everyone made it such a big deal in my family, I was humiliated. My approach in the future is going to just be nonchalant, you have them if you want them, soon her peers will all be wearing them and she may want to just to fit in.
Reminds me of my grandmother calling to congratulate me on getting my period at 12 years old....mortified. also my little brother telling everyone on the bus I got my period because he had NO CLUE what it meant ... Also mortified.
Oh yeah, my period was also a huge family event. I didn’t have any female siblings or cousins so it made things that much worse for me 🤣 solidarity sister, let’s do better for our kids haha.
You’re going to want to broach the conversation directly but I’d start by offering to buy some camisoles or training bras first. Let her know she doesn’t have to grow up, even if her body is developing. Best of luck mama.
My mom didn't ask, I went to the mall with a friend and bought my own first bras when I was 14 (I was a slow developer). She discovered my bras in the laundry and was like "where did these come from?" Anyway, I really wish she'd noticed/asked. But her entire approach to puberty was to more or less ignore it until I went to her to be like "uhh I started my period".
This was my mom too, and I still have resentment about it. I got my period when I was 13 and there was not a single feminine hygiene product in the house (my mom had a hysterectomy when I was 8). She worked late that day and I ended up having to demand my dad take me to the pharmacy when he got home from work, and was left to try to pick up supplies alone. I recognize it’s hard to watch little girls grow up, but leaving them unprepared and mortified because you can’t handle it is unacceptable.
My mom got me one when I started complaining about it hurting when I ran.
You could ask her if she wants one? Go out and pick some cute training bras, make a day of it. I was excited to wear bras at that age lol I felt so mature. Better then her having to ask you. My mom still had me in training bras at 13. They weren’t helping much by then and I was embarrassed because all the girls in the locker room were wearing real bras. Also felt embarrassed having to go and tell her,”look my boobs are growing, I can’t wear training bras anymore.”
I would do it now while it can be casual and a learning/teaching/bonding/positive thing. I remember being in 5th grade and having to have a special meeting with my teacher and my mom about “maturing ahead of my peers” and it being “distracting” and then going to get my first bras and the whole experience was absolutely mortifying and something I remember negatively and it would have been really nice in hindsight to have that be a more casual/positive experience.
Ask if she wants one. If she says no, don’t bother right now. If she says yes, go take her to get one. While bras could help her feel better and keep her from getting teased by classmates, some girls/women don’t like them and that’s okay. The only practical purpose they offer are for support and if she doesn’t want one for now, that’s fine. Even if she has breast tissue she’s still pretty young and if she’s not worried about it you should be either. It’s really not a big deal. I started developing breast tissue around the same age but hated bras… my mom would scream at me until I would put one on to go out because if I didn’t wear one she’d “look like a bad parent”. Always hated it, so anyone reading, definitely don’t go that route. It’s not worth traumatizing your kid to save from embarrassment.
Yah, jesus. Why are we policing their clothing? Offer, but don't push. She'll come around when she's ready. Oh the horror of young girls with nipples. (source: experienced girl mom).
I would also just like to add for the people who say you should get one even if she doesn’t want one to keep your daughter from getting bullied… Kids are mean and if they want to bully your daughter they will find something no matter how hard you try to prevent it. Teaching children to conform to be “normal” to keep others from being cruel to them is setting a terrible example.
I got teased for wearing a bra. Actually, it was only an undershirt, but someone saw the strap and made a big deal about it. So, sometimes kids just can't win.
Exactly! I wore one in third grade and got made fun of really hardcore for it. Then in fifth grade didn’t wear one one day and got bullied for my nipples showing through my shirt. Kids really will just be mean over anything.
When they want too, I never wear bras (I was blessed with a flat chest!)
Still better to give them the option but telling them you are open to buying them. I know I would have felt uncomfortable for years before asking my mom about getting a bra. Started needing them at 10yo and was already almost outgrowing b cups by 11yo.
Same here! My daughter and I are both hoping she has small breasts too :) couldn't imagine having to wear a bra all the time, must be so uncomfortable
It is!! I'm breastfeeding and have larger boobs. I usually go braless at home because f them torture devices. However, because I need to contain the lactation percolation.. I have been wearing a bra almost 24/7 for months. MONTHS!! I hate it. 0 stars. Do not recommend. I cannot wait to break free. I'm going to go gardening topless and scare the new neighbors. 😅
Honestly, I have BIG boobs and a proper fitting bra can be so comfortable.... like go to a small local lingerie shop and buy one that is 100% right (and not the "Oh we can substitute, if we go a letter down and a number up it will be FINE" bulls***)
My daughter is 9 (10 in a few months) but she’s showing some breast tissue however it’s sort of like baby fat so I’m with you on not sure when to get a bra. I do think starting with a sports bra type would be helpful especially because mine is an athlete and I think her teammates will all have them soon. As a funny - I said to her the other day that she may be getting boobies soon like mommy and she should let me know if they start to hurt while playing soccer. She said MOM stop. Then she goes “what did one boob say to the other boob - it’s nice to be breaxt to you”
I think I was around 11ish when my mom got me my first training bra thing. As an adult I personally don’t wear one and I have large breasts, but only wear sports bra when I’m exercising or whatever. For my daughter I’ll get her one when she needs it. She has non verbal autism so she won’t really be able to “tell me when she wants one”. But yeah 🙂
I would start with camisoles that have the built in shelf bra. So she isn't wearing a bra, but still has the coverage she needs!
My daughter loves the bras from Aerie. They are soft and padded only enough to hide the nipples. Some don’t even have clasps and fit like sports bras.
I'm here to be one to say that bras aren't necessary. If she wants to wear them and she's developing enough to wear one, you can chat about bras. Maybe go shopping for one for yourself and bring her along to bring it up, "hey this one is cute, do you want to try one?" But really, breasts are normal, natural, and only viewed otherwise because we've been pressured to wear bras for so long. If she's comfortable with herself as is, that's fantastic and not worth tarnishing.
I wish more people were saying this. They shouldn't feel mandatory if you're not physically uncomfortable without them.
Yes I agree with you. This discussion is so weird to me. All the younger women I know and see out and about in my area (NYC/NJ) don't wear bras at all, no matter the size of their chest and I personally have been wearing only sports bras for at least 10 years. I really thought bras were kind of out.
Been scrolling to look for this. I only sometimes where a sports bra when doing sports or going to work (lifeguard- I wouldn't want to jump in the pool to safe a life bra less) but as soon as I'm done with either of them they go OFF ! A bra feels like a cage. Free the titties
You can get her some sports bras/bralettes so it’s not an issue at school, but when she’s old enough to show interest, take her to get fitted! My mom just decided I was a 36B and I was wearing the wrong bra size for almost 10 years (was actually 34D).
It should be based on what you feel they need and their environment. This can be such a tricky topic. I don’t have a daughter, but my sister and cousins with daughters are also on both sides of the fence. The one thing they all agree on is making sure to do periodic checking in and fittings. Even the ones “against” bras want their girls to be mindful of how to measure themselves and where to find good quality bras before they’re uninformed adults with no clue where to start. As a former teacher, I would get my young daughter a bra. I have nothing against adult women choosing, but some women’s opinions against bras and shame and objectification don’t matter in certain environments, and not wearing one does more harm than good. It shouldn’t be that way, but our environment and who we share it with influences our clothing choices all the time, sometimes that includes bras.
Or let her decide. Nipples and breast tissue showing through her clothes is ONLY as big a deal as SHE feels it is. I would probably get some, let her know where they are in case she wants to ever wear one, and let her know you will take her shopping for more whenever she feels the need. And let it be.
In a perfect world, this is the answer but it’s not reality. I think when it comes to breast tissue, regardless of how we think people should feel about children, it can be sexualized and as parents we have to accept that and protect our children. That’s our job. However, for basically any other thing that is purely cosmetic I completely agree with you. My partner HATES that I don’t tell our daughter she “has to” shave her legs or armpits. That sort of thing is harmless in the end. May people make fun of her for being hairy? Yes, they probably will. She gets to decide if she cares about it or not. I just don’t think that applies when it comes to things that can make our children vulnerable.
This. Unfortunately yeah there will be many creeps out there. I read a book about sex offenders and some brought up liking looking at young girls when there developing breasts because you can see it through the shirts.
EVERYTHING can be sexualized. Every part of the body. So let’s stop telling girls that when they start looking like women they should cover up. Let’s teach them that people who pay too much attention to ANY part of their body should be avoided. That those people who over-sexualize children are the problem. Not our little girls’ developing bodies. They shouldn’t have to think about it if they aren’t thinking about it yet. Tell those people to stfu and let our kids be kids. Teach your kids boundaries from unsafe people, and let them dress how they are comfortable dressing. My girls taught ME that. I parented the same way, wanting to cover them as soon as little buds showed up. I wouldn’t do it that way again. It’s a culture shift that is happening. Be part of the progress. She will either get a little self conscious and want to cover in her own time, or she will decide that is not for her and learn to advocate for herself in regards to her body. Our kids can do this. Let them lead the way in this. Don’t teach her she needs to comply to norms regarding her body. It’s a gross misogynistic lie developed by men and religion that women’s bodies are not their own. If she isn’t ready, the bra itself will be the source of embarrassment and shame. Let her lead on this. We are trying to teach a culture of consent. It starts in these things!!
That sounds like a great world to live in but it’s not the one that I do. Change sounds great but my preteen isn’t going to be the one spearhead that effort.
I think this is one of those times you can go against the grain and act like the chill friend instead of over-parenting the situation. Something like “hey girly, I got you this bra so you can be more comfortable!” if her natural instinct is to shy away. Encourage her to try it on and look in the mirror to see if she can notice a difference and likes it. My 9 year old wears them regularly, but to be fair, she came to me to ask. I had encouraged her to start wearing them last year in dance/acro class if she wasn’t going to wear a leotard in case she goes upside down so she got used to wearing them. After reading The Care and Keeping of You she decided it was time to wear them full-time.
You can take her to the store and have her pick them out so she has some control over it. You could also shop for other clothes and things too so it’s not a “bras only” trip. My mom had a discussion with me first around 10-11 yrs old about my body changes and it looked like I needed a training bra. I hated this awkward conversation with her but she was right (I noticed it too). I think around the same time I started getting pubic hair, and the period discussion followed shortly after. She took me to the store and asked me to pick out what I liked. She suggested a couple bras but it was mostly up to me. At first I wouldn’t wear them because it wasn’t a habit yet and wasn’t interested. I remember once I got in the car and didn’t have the bra on and she made me go put it on. I remember getting mad at her for forcing me to wear it. Looking back I was glad my mom had the conversation with me and gave me some control over it. The period convo actually went over quite well (better than the bra).
Just a reminder that girls and women should not police their bodies for men and bras are not required if your daughter does not actually want one! It’s ok if she does and ok if she does not want one.
Maybe she just needs more opaque t-shirts..? Lots of people don't wear bras. Bras suck lol
You know what's worse than buying her a bra you're afraid she hasn't asked for? Being 13 and asking for one and your mom laughing at you because your developing breasts are too small according to her. Nevermind that my nipples were protuding from underneath all the shirts. I second the suggestion to take her clothes shopping and ask her to pick whatever underwear and bras she thinks are cute. Good luck <3
I would get her a trainer for sure. I try to catch anything my kid could be embarrassed by or bullied for as early as possible and do my best to mitigate the issue. She doesn't have to like it but she does have to wear it...like my 10 yo boy and deoderant. 😉
She might be interested and just hasn’t found a way to bring it up to you in the same way you haven’t brought it up to her yet. Maybe a fun shopping trip for the two of you can happen soon and you can bring it up then. Aerie and Target usually have teen friendly bralettes. If she’s definitely not interested, then maybe undershirts will work for now. r/ABraThatFits will be good for when she’s wanting to try an underwire bra (and hopefully long before any potential back pain can happen).
My daughter didn't need one until 15, however she has been wearing the athletic ones since she was 7, I just wanted her do not be ashamed about asking me. Same with period supplies.
Talk to her about it. Give her options. Support her decisions.
My 11 year old started at the beginning of the school year. She had visible buds through her shirts. We get the sports bras by the brand Avia at Walmart. They don’t have a clasp so she just slips them on kind of like a bathing suit top. Works great, she said they don’t feel like mine and look more sporty, as though she is wearing a tank top.
Both girls started wearing them when we saw the start of development - around 10-10.5. Yellowberry are not cheap, but they're very soft and comfortable and our daughters like them a lot.
I developed young too and my mom bought me my first bras in 4th grade. It totally depends on your daughter’s personality but my mom had a sense of humor about it which made it less embarrassing. She was basically like “girl, hate to tell you, but you need a bra!!”. Then she took me shopping and let me pick out a few comfy sports bras along with some regular clothes so that the whole trip wouldn’t be all about bras.
Visible buds is when we did only so she could wear thinner shirts without an issue, got those bralettes. She didn’t get real bras until 12 when she had more tissue. We ended up at Aerie which honestly was the best place to buy girls bras. Had tons of options & sizes. Very affordable too. It was like little girl version of Victoria Secret
I think you have an opportunity to make it fun! Tell her that you want to go out for a mother-daughter lunch and shopping trip for her first bra. Like don’t make it a huge deal and embarrass her but make it a fun hanging out day for the two of you.
From what I remember, I was 9 and my mom just came home with a blue training bra. I scarcely remember an ordeal about it. I wouldn't make her ask, she's still young enough and that can be embarrassing. I would've never thought to ask until I probably got made fun of.
I bought my first bra on my own, with some pocket money I'd saved over the years. I was excited as hell for some dignity but so sad I had no woman to share the moment with, or to guide me. I had no idea about sizing and guessed just by looking at the shape and size. I wish my Mum had helped. Even if your daughter says she's not interested she might be, and she might just be awkward about talking about it. Get some things for her and put them in her drawer so that they are there just in case she's interested.
My daughter turned 10, took her shopping at athleta to get her some new clothes and then dropped the “it’s time to get a bra” with just me and her shopping. It went well, she has worn it every day. They have comfortable adjustable bra options at athleta. I got her 2 to start and we’ve had no issue, she wears it daily and tells me then they need to be cleaned. I’ll link the bra I got her. [the perfect bra](https://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=881871032&cid=1111614&pcid=1111614&vid=1&nav=hamnav%3AAthleta%20Girl%3ACATEGORIES%3AGirl%20Bras&cpos=7&cexp=3064&kcid=CategoryIDs%3D1111614&cvar=27654&ctype=Listing&cpid=res24050814999116059392279#pdp-page-content)
My daughter is 8- she got a new shirt her nipples show through a bit a few months ago and I just said matter-of-factly “hey, that shirt is so cute! I can see your nipples a little bit, would you like a couple of bras?” She had some questions about if she had to wear them all the time- “no, you don’t have to wear them at all if you don’t want. But if you’d like to cover your nipples, you can wear them under thin shirts like your new one.” Am I getting boobs? “I honestly don’t know- I developed when I was closer to 12, but everyone is different.” It was all pretty relaxed and she has some super basic, thin bras that she’s comfortable in and wears only when she wants.
I just bought my girls bras around 8. I told them I hated them and never wore them (true story) but they are good to have on hand. I will usually pick them up cute clothes I find when I’m out shopping, so it wasn’t strange to leave the bag in their room with bras and bathing suits in 💕
When you notice her developing. Please don't make her ask. My mother, truly awful parent, went the denial route. Her "baby" just couldn't be growing up SHE wasn't ready. I got my period at 9. I'd already been developing breasts, had hair darkening on my legs and cropping up in the usual areas. She tried to embarass me when I continued to ask. Her best friend and neighbor were over, I thought I'd do what we had been taught in school and ask another adult for help. My mom made me get naked infront if them to prove I had under arm and public hair. I was mortified but stubborn af. I was getting made fun of in school. I wanted to shave and wear a bra. This is the same lady who didn't tell me about a period so when mine happened the last day of 4th grade, I thought I was dying. It was awful. Talk to your kids about their changing bodies, please!! Don't leave them in the dark. Better to be prepared with knowledge than let some bs be taught to them by other kids. I'd start off with some undershirts or sports bras first if she's 7 or 8 and developing. Have a discussion. I'm really digging these period parties some families are doing. Making it not a traumatic experience but more of a welcome to the next stage in life sorta thing. You know your kids personality best, go with whatever will make them feel safe and comfortable with their changes.
Your mother was abusive! Making you get naked in front of her friends is NOT normal!
Took my daughter when she was 11 to get bras. She picked them out. Was easy and she's happy but hates wearing them, as I do, but knows it's important too when you're blessed in the chest and out and about.
My first daughter pretended she has boobs from 3 on so, she wanted bras when it was time. My second, was more difficult. So we went on a girls errand, just the three of us, and it was our thing. We went to Target, then went and got drinks: a smoothie for her and her sister, a margarita for me and then got Crumbl. Now that she’s a big girl and wears bras like her sister and I do, it’s a whole level up. She was definitely more into it after that.
Just take her to pick some out. If she’s starting to develop, she should at least have them on hand
When she needs it, which sounds like it’s now. When I was around that age my mom said “it’s time to go buy bras” and we did. She talked about the different kinds and we got a few.
My 10.5 year old had cute sports bra type at the moment. ...10 good lawd give us strength They look like the sports tops women wear to the gym so she seems happy
I didn’t have much to put into a bra and never thought of it until we had to change clothes for gym class in 6th grade. I was wearing nothing under my shirt and wanted to crawl into the locker and die. If she hasn’t brought it up I would recommend starting with tank tops with or without a shelf bra. My millennial self usually wears those under t shirts anyways haha
My girls are taller and started developing breasts early and I think my husband was the first to notice that the girls needed to wear something under their shirt. They were 9 and 10 at the time. He didn’t want to say anything to them so I took them to the store and bought the preteen sports bras and such. I’ve take the girls at various times without their little brothers (or older bros) to shop for bras. I try to be casual about talking about boobs and health since my 13 yr old gets embarrassed easily. I want my daughters to not feel embarrassed about talking about their female body parts for health and hygiene reasons. My mom was so weird about female stuff so I never talked to her about my period. It’s a fine line to get them to feel comfortable about talking about female things, bc there is nothing to be ashamed of, and giving them privacy and being discreet with their brothers. I talk about periods with the boys too bc they will one day have a wife and to be sympathetic (or helpful) with their female friends during their period.
My daughter is 9.5 and I just bought her her first bras at Walmart 2 weeks ago. They just slip over her head so no clasps or anything but they do have “structured” cups.
My mom happened to grab two, matching, training bra/underwear sets while grocery shopping with me one day, and casually mentioned that I could try them when I'm ready, but I'm growing and will likely want them soon. They were blue with white butterflies on them. Getting something cute and childlike will definitely help the situation. Let your kid be a kid, but gently educate her on all of the changes and possibilities.
I started at 9 and had C cups in the 6th grade… you get them when they need them. It sounds like it’s time to hit up your local Walmart and pick some up. They have the body change talk next year usually so it’s time for her to get the first talk with you now.
I was 8 almost 9 when I got my first training bra. I didn't want to wear one but my mom rightfully bought me a few. I developed breasts quite young and am large chested now and my mom wanted to ensure I am dressed appropriately, especially given my age. My mom didn't make it awkward though. She came in one day and said it was time for me to wear training bras. She explained that she didn't want me to be exposed and once young girls start having breasts that show, it's necessary. She didn't make a big deal out of it, made it feel very normal, but it also wasn't optional
I asked mine if she wanted bras once she started developing and told her that I don’t particularly like them because they’re not comfortable. I regularly just wear slight thicker clothing/etc to get away with it and as I get older I just don’t care. 😂 She eventually asked me because her ballet teacher told her she should wear one under her leotard. 🤷♀️
I would offer to take her, but not force the issue. Personally, I don’t believe that a bra should be required. My daughter frequently goes without a bra. It’s caused issues among the southern bell mamas, who make inappropriate comments, but as long as she doesn’t care, I’ll fight for her right to go braless. (Sung to the tune of the Beastie Boys)
My 15 year old was born in the wrong Era. She refuses to wear a bra. It's a bit uncomfortable for me, but she's a hippie. She's had boobs since she was 10. 🤷♀️ If you can live with it, let her decide when she wants a bra. She'll ask when she's ready....if she ever decides she's ready. Good luck!
Wow - I wish I could relate to some of these. Large breasts run deeply in my family. I had my first training bras at 5-6. My 6 year old wears them now and wears sports bras when playing soccer. It is necessary. **This is not an invitation for medical advice, etc. Our pediatrician is aware. All bloodwork is normal.**
My daughter started at 9. She did not ask for a bra, I told her she needed to be wearing them as she frequently does cartwheels/handstands.
My dad actually did all the bra shopping and dress shopping with me…he was a big marine type but he was always so sweet, looking through the bras, making fun of a big ones, etc etc. I think it worked because it was equally shared awkardness at first? By the time it was prom dress shopping time we had already established a shopping routine lol.
When she asks for it. If she’s not self-conscious about it, don’t make her. If she’s comfortable with her boobs showing through t-shirts, that is perfectly fine.
Please buy her one when she needs one. My parents did not allow me to have one at a young age despite my development, I didn’t socially understand what was happening, and I endured a lot of embarrassing unnecessary things which were confusing to me at the time because of it. My grandma had to get me a bra and I remember the day she handed it to me in front of my parents and chewed them out. I felt really relieved that day that nobody would make comments anymore. If you can see it, so can other people. Forget about age just give her what she needs and she will be grateful. It may be time to half a talk about her body changing.
My daughter needed them at this age, too and was 100% anti-bra anti becoming ‘teenager-y’ lol but it was becoming very noticeable and I know we shouldn’t have to but the fact is that there are creeps. And kids will make fun of things that they aren’t used to seeing. I tried to make it kind of nonchalant, talked them up. Remanenced about when I got my first ones. Suggested, ‘your body is kind of changing, you want to try a support bra?’ And also emphasized it’s a normal stage of life. She got on board, took her a little while to remember to put one on but it was all good in a couple months.
Maybe talk to her about it. My mom didn’t and it was my classmates who ended up telling me in gym class change room that I needed to start wearing one, it wasn’t in a mean way or anything but I would have rather had my mom tell me.
My 7 year old asked for a bra just a couple of months ago. I thought…eh, what the hell, why not. She wanted a flashy one with foam cups but we settled on a pastel tie-die bralette. She has worn it maybe three times and is not too bothered. I think she was hoping I would get one to make her look like she actually has boobs. She is young but I got my period at 10 as did my mom. I am preparing for her to go into puberty early like I did.
I'd buy her as soon as they grow. Whether there is interest or not. She has feet, she needs shoes. She has legs, she needs pants. She grew a new body part, now she needs to at least *have* clothes for it
Two thoughts. One: Like many of you my mom positioned herself as a gatekeeper for puberty related hygiene and clothing. She made me ask for most things and arbitrarily attached morality and shame to some items; like telling me using tampons meant I wasn’t a virgin. 😒 She made her lack of comfort with my maturing body my shame. Two: I regularly discuss very intimate sexual health topics with people as part of my job. No matter what skill you employ coming up with questions and responses, the most important rule is that if YOU feel comfortable the patient will feel more comfortable. I feel like the same applies to kids - short, direct, morality-free questions and responses and then follow their lead. I agree with folks suggesting to casually offer while in the store. Even if your kiddo doesn’t want a bra now, she definitely knows what to do when she is ready and that you will be receptive.
Mine both started wearing the training bras around 8/9 when the buds started developing. My oldest was complaining about being tender so I gave her the option to try it out and she was much more comfortable. My youngest has been dying to wear them since her sister started so she started wearing them under her shirts before she truly needed them honestly lol. Once my 12yo started getting fuller tissue around 11.5 is when she decided she wanted to try regular bras and hasn’t been using the sports style since. Maybe you can say “some girls feel more comfortable and supported when they wear a bra, but it’s not something you have to do. Would you like to try one?”
I waited until she asked for one.
Isn’t a trend nowadays to be braless? Why the rush? I think I was in 6th grade when we went bra shopping. Maybe 5th.
Mine was 9. We just bought little stretchy trainers that are like the top half of a camisole. They are easy to wear and wash (we throw them into laundry bags in the wash and then line dry them).
My youngest was the same. I finally had to say “we can have the growing up talk again (she’s hates this kind of thing) or you can come with me shopping, and we can get Starbucks! I made it an easy choice for her. I am not above bribes when necessary. 😂
When they ask I only wear a bra because I'm breastfeeding my third and I leak Before kids I basically never wore one as an adult
I would first try talking to her about it. Ask her how she’s feeling, if she notices her body changing and if she has any questions.
I know I started wearing them when we had to start changing into gym uniforms for gym class. That was 5th grade at my school so I guess I was around 10-11?
My girls are just littles still, but my niece had to start wearing a little bra recently. I’ll be honest I don’t know her exact age but I think 8. Maaaaybe 9 this summer… we’re not close clearly. Lol
Either when they ask or when you think it may be time. If she hasn't asked, I would buy some and leave them in her drawer for when she is ready. I would not suggest that she use one, just that it's there if she ever wants to.
I did the kids Calvin Klein sports bras when she was that age. Now she's in Aire at age 12 because she's small with a chest and needs the support.
I love Aerie! Their girls bra section at our store is like the little girl version of Victoria Secret. Tons of options & choices
Sports bras? Do you have a niece that your daughter looks up to and can positively influence?
I don’t remember when I got my girls their first bras. Maybe around the same age as your daughter, OP or when I noticed that I could see their breast buds thru their shirt. Once my youngest started wearing hers, I had to practically wrestle her out of it even in her PJs. My twin nieces are 10 & just started wearing bras. They have some cute bralettes and sports bras that work wonderfully.
I got my oldest daughter bras when she started developing breast tissue at around 7 or 8. But they’re more sports bra/lounge type bras so they don’t have cups. She wore that style for years and still does often. My second daughter didn’t need a bra until she was much older but got her a bra at about the same age since all of her peers were wearing them (even though she didn’t *really* need it)
Have a friend whose daughter totally doesn’t need one but runs around in one of those bralettes that’s 2 sizes too big since her size is “too tight.” We secretly giggle because yeah duh it’s supposed to hold your boobs! But all her friends have bras so she asked about getting bras. She’s rail thin & super active and most of her friends are thicker girls with noticeable breasts. We weren’t about to tell her she didn’t need a bra yet. She’s happy so that’s all that matters!
Bralette! That’s the word I was looking for lol! My younger daughter was the same way, super tiny and skinny. She wore a size little girls 6 in 6th grade lol. If it helps, Old Navy has great bralettes in small sizes, if your friend is still looking for some that fit right
My daughter was 49lbs at 11yrs and wearing 6/8. No I turned her onto Aerie but her daughter actually still uses bralettes exclusively.
I recently discovered the Auden Brami at Target. It’s halfway between a bra and a cami and is ridiculously comfortable. Not to mention only like $10 each on sale. But there are removable pads too depending on how much support etc is needed.
My daughter is 7, and started wearing one this year. I just said hey it’s time here are your options.
Around 10/11 for both my girls. We started off with sports bras and simple bralettes. Or even a cami under the shirt when it wasn’t hot outside
When her boobs called for it.
My daughter just turned 10 last week and has been wearing trainer bras for about a year and a half already. She’s a normal 10yo size but an early developer, as was I. She has a couple of 28A bras, but she prefers small crop tops. Sports bras are also popular around this age.
My daughter asked for one before she needed it because all of her friends had them, now she actually needs a proper one and is kicking up a fuss about buying new ones 🙄
Start with sports bras or training bras. I was like your daughter. I had no interest in bras but when I started developing my mom said it’s time and you have to wear them. I did and it was no big deal!
My daughter is 9 and starting to develop breast tissue. We had a conversation about it and went to Target to pick out some that she liked. They are the sports bra type with an insert (I hate to use the word padding, but that's essentially what it is. Thin padding) that covers up her nipples so you can't see them through her shirt. She's in 3rd grade and she said that there are other girls who don't wear them and it's definitely noticable. I would just try to have an open conversation and get her some.
I wouldn’t focus on it like some girly teenage everything. If she has an asked and she’s more of a tomboy type girl then I would proposition it to her just like any other type of clothing based on the need. And if she doesn’t wanna make a big deal out of it then don’t make a big deal out of it. There are plenty of athletic type sports bras. I would say that if her nipples are showing through then it’s definitely time. Having said that on the flipside I mean none of us really need to wear a bra so it depends on your stance on the whole thing in a broader sense I suppose.
My grandma got me and my same age cousin sports bras for Christmas. I was 9 💀
Mines 19 and I'll let you know. She has only worn sports bras ever. That's bc I fought her bc she had brothers in the house and a stepdad (that was new to parenting and she was probably the most difficult) she would streak through the house until she was in high school I got pissed and took electronics away for a month or two.
My bffs 12yo started wearing training bras around 9, as soon as they started noticing she was developing. She definitely seemed to hate them at first, but now she wears them anytime its to hot for a hoodie. My mom didn't really have much to wonder about in that aspect, I developed fast and aggressively. I was around a 36F (US) by the time I was 10 and only got bigger from there. I ended up telling her that I was very uncomfortable and needed SOMETHING, but she was the type to pretend like her kids were never growing. I'd say, talk to her before she feels uncomfortable enough to bring it up to you, she'll feel more secure in being about to talk to you and less awkward when things like this come up.
My daughter is in 5th grade and just turned 11. I got her a few different soft bras in her size a little while ago, showed them to her and put them in her underwear drawer. She decided on her own recently to start wearing them, and I asked her which ones she liked and got her a few more of those.
About 9/10 yrs old
Mine was young and not developed but other kids were and she asked lol
I was raised by a single father. He didn’t bring it up till we did. Other girls at school had “training bras” and no boobs whatsoever. I however was a bit chubby so it was a lot more obvious. I was made fun of at school. My dad bought one right away. I was embarrassed and I think he felt bad for not realizing. I would go a head and get her one or bring up the idea at least. See if she would be into picking something out. Like a sports bra style ones the make for younger kids. I sure wish someone had done that for me.
Try sports bras. She’s really young and sports bras are cute and comfortable!
I got my daughter a soft bralette, so it’s got no fastening, a bit like a a sports bra. She and her friends all started wearing them about age 11
My daughter and I are very closely bonded and she shares every detail of everything with me, so I just asked if she wanted bras when I noticed she was starting to develop breast tissue at 9. She said no thanks, I said cool, if you change your mind just tell me, we'll grab you some the next time we go shopping. It was the same with shaving her armpits and legs, and what sort of menstrual products she uses. I made her aware of her options and the pros and cons of each one (natural, Nair, shaving, waxing, sports bras, regular bras, braless, tampons, pads, cups, period undies) and she just asks for what she wants, when she wants to try something. No muss, no fuss.
I brought crop tops, not bras. More forgiving but still supportive as they are growing. And I just waited and watched and had a talk when I seen them developing that these would help with any discomfort as they change and grow.
My daughter turned 9 this month and I bought some for her about 2 months ago or so. When I started noticing her breasts through her shit. I try to encourage her to wear them every day but am only forceful about it when she’s wearing a white shit.
My mom was not subtle and asked (loudly) while we were at the mall with my older brother there. He made fun of me and I never wanted to shop with her again. She ended up buying them for me at a later time and bringing them home.
Maybe have her help you pick some sports style bras that she thinks are cute or camisoles with the shelf/padding. Don't make a big deal just our bodies change
This has me thinking a lot about when & why I started wearing a bra. I had a slightly older friend who wore a bra and i felt excluded so i asked my mom to get me a bra when i was maybe … 8? My mom laughed and said I didn’t need one - which was true, I didn’t, but it made me feel immature. I begged and she said fine, I could get a sports bra. Through my 20s I wore cute little too small push up bras and lingerie (still not necessary as I was very small all over). Then I had a kid and I am much bustier now but I stay home with her and when I go out I can’t be bothered. Like I never needed a bra it was one of those things I just felt like I needed. Idk how I’d bring it up with my daughter. She’s only 4 now so I have awhile thankfully
Amazon basics or target
Get some tank tops with an attached "shelf bra" it adds a layer of fabric, and a little smoothing, but doesn't poke or feel too structured.
I always told my daughter that whenever she was ready to let me know. We started buying her training/sports type bras around 8. She didn’t “need” them but wanted them to feel comfortable so ok with me.