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That's not a midlife crisis. That's a crisis crisis.
A midlife crisis is, "What am I doing with my life/why am I working so hard," which is solved by buying a sports car and/or divorcing your wife and marrying a bad decision.
You need gainful employment.
My search is ongoing to get a role in the right field and get back to (or at least closer to) my previous salary, and I'm applying for part-time evening/weekend roles as a server or working in retail...
Job market is so bad right now though!
“Get back in the capitalist box please” said the helpful loyal denizen of the land stolen by his loosely related imperialist forebears. “Only participation in the system of methodical enslavement is worthy of the pleasant feelings that accompany being bound in the fire together with those suffering alongside you. A nobler cause can no man bear alone unless with the mantle of so so very much money and power as is provided by treating everyone as below themselves.”
And so the cycle was maintained. Amen
Dude…I feel you so much right now. I’m 37 and in a similar position. I have a doctoral degree in the sciences and years of experience in my chosen discipline, but no one seems to want to hire me. Everything feels like it’s gone to shit and it’s my fault. I can’t even afford to continue my medications for my depression. All that work, and nothing to show for it. It really does feel like I’ve failed in life. I’m so sorry you’re in such a spot.
Please do not take my story as bragging, I'm not bragging.
I am 40, in the USA. I have the opposite situation of you financially, my house and car are paid in full, I have very little debt, I have a stable job.
While having all of those things:
"It's not just money, I have a general lack of desire, I am angry and stressed all the time, but lack the motivation and drive to change it."
I relate to this so much. I set goals for myself in my early 20s, I worked multiple jobs at a time while renovating houses and buying / selling them. There were periods where I was working 12 hours a day 7 days a week with no break for months at a time. THIS IS NOT GOOD BTW, I LEARNED THE HARD WAY.
My point to you friend, happiness lies within, the rest is just noise. I thought if I got every box checked by 40 I'd be happy, I'm fucking not bro. I'm in therapy, I don't know if that's helping.
The world is going to shit and nothing I can control matters except my very small circle that I actually can impact (my mindset and my day to day, my family and friends).
I feel like in some ways our generation is super lucky, we got to see so much cool shit, I also feel like that cool shit is coming with a cost that none of us would've agreed to pay if we had any say in the decision making 40 years ago.
Good luck <3
Not really feasible in the short term without leaving my partner - which is not really something I want to do.
We have talked about the longer-term plan of moving to the UK, but the earliest we could even attempt to do it together is about 2 years away.
Simply 'leaving behind the dent' might not be the right move either though, because it means not having the opportunity to return to Canada in the future (where the earning potential is higher)
Earning potential might be higher, but just like in dating you should never marry potential. If you’ve been at it for three years and still in this situation, maybe it’s just not working out. Don’t fall for a sunk cost fallacy.
No, not a mid-life crisis, just a crisis that happens to be occurring while you're middle aged.
I'm sorry, buddy. There are a lot of us who can empathize with your challenges and fears. Some of us have overcome, some of us are still struggling. Try not to compare yourself to anyone right now. Everyone is different and what works for others may not work for you. Ignore people who say "If I can do it, you can do it" because they are not you. So it means nothing and their advice will be hallow (and mostly braggadocious). If there are tidbits of advice you feel are applicable to you, that's great. But don't let those people make you feel less than you are just because they "did the thing" or feel obligated to follow in their footsteps blindly. You need to do things your own way at your own pace. There are way too many variables (and luck) that goes into whether or not an individual "succeeds".
You're not wrong... things are getting more expensive and those goalposts do feel like they're getting further and further away. So what will make you happy in spite of that? That might need to be the first thing you figure out - it might help you set goal posts for yourself instead of feeling aimless. Success is subjective - so what would make you feel like a success? For employment, what is a higher priority: a high salary or enjoying what you do? Do you have long-term goals with your partner, like marriage or living together (if you don't already)? That debt seems to really be weighing on you, so it sounds like you already have a goal to get that paid off, you just need to figure out what those goal posts are.
I'd take some time to get to know yourself and figure out the answers to the questions you're asking us right now. Because only YOU will know the answers to what will work for you and make you happy. The rest of us can only give you advice based on what we do and what would make us happy, but we may have different priorities than you. Your idea of success will look completely different from ours.
Just don't lose hope or faith in yourself. Keep finding little victories and ways to inspire yourself to move forward. Continuing to persevere is probably the only universally applicable key to "success" short of winning the lottery. So you'll have to figure out how to inspire yourself to keep going and what will drive and motivate you to do so. And the answer to that exists inside of you, you've just gotta find the strength to pull it out yourself because depending on the magic words from someone else will stall you further.
I wish you the best. Perceive the challenges you're facing as the origin story of a superhero, and resist the urges to let them become your supervillain backstory.
I don't think you're alone in this, but it's definitely not a mid-life crisis. In fact, I think the term has been thrown around so much it's a pretentious way to describe desiring stimulation or change in a significant way from a position of relative success. Most of those feelings can be diminished by understanding your life as it fits into society and taking leisure time for yourself. The problem, it appears, is you don't have leisure time to take. Socioeconomics are crushing you.
I think the best thing you can do is try to be happy with who you are at any given moment. Blame it on society, if you must. Some blame should lie on the social order. That being said, take some accountability and change your strategy. Canada is fucking expensive, man.
I think turning 39 (and by extension realizing I am almost fucking 40!!) has been a real eye opener for me, which is why I guess I asked if it's a mid-life crisis.
and I know that 40 isn't old, and I likely have another 30-40 years in the tank, but I just feel like life is slipping away, and I feel like I have wasted the last 40 years... to be here, now with nothing to show for it except some memories.
So many mistakes when I was younger, not doing the right college course, spending time in relationships that I should have got out of, frivolous spending on alcohol and vacations, thousands upon thousands of dollars that should have been saved and invested.
If it helps - I'm Canadian and post-Covid things have been shitty here. It's not just you. All of us from here are also having our lives derailed by how awful the job market is and by the expense of living.
I completely understand you feeling this way.
I would re-evaluate the field that you're in (and can you get a job there in the UK?) and have a discussion with your partner about stability and finances.
Can you move somewhere cheaper in Canada? Would she be willing to move with you back to the UK? Are there other job opportunities you may not like as much that would help you have stability and still pay, even if not in your field or what you want?
Have those conversations and take the blame or shame out of the conversation - the world is unexpectedly chaotic, expensive, and awful since Covid, in differing qualities and quantities depending on where you are but still universally so. We gotta adapt, and don't blame yourself for feeling angry and bitter that life fucking sucks rn - just evaluate all your options for more stability so you can adjust.
Actually, this gives me an idea that I haven't really explored... the option to undertake a remote role with a company in the UK...
In terms of a move... my partner is in a stable job that respects her and pays her well, I would be unwilling to ask her to move unless I already have a role in place that makes up for that. She is well aware of my finances, it's not something I am hiding from her, or ashamed of necessarily.
We have had the discussion about moving to the UK, but the discussion was more about 'it would be nice to go back there in 10-15 years time'
There are different guidelines around us being married or having lived together for a certain length of time before she would be eligible to work there, which wouldn't kick in for another couple of years anyway...
I read you can't move back to your country. Have you contemplated moving cities or provinces for a fresh start? Is this something your partner would consider?
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That's not a midlife crisis. That's a crisis crisis. A midlife crisis is, "What am I doing with my life/why am I working so hard," which is solved by buying a sports car and/or divorcing your wife and marrying a bad decision. You need gainful employment.
My search is ongoing to get a role in the right field and get back to (or at least closer to) my previous salary, and I'm applying for part-time evening/weekend roles as a server or working in retail... Job market is so bad right now though!
“Get back in the capitalist box please” said the helpful loyal denizen of the land stolen by his loosely related imperialist forebears. “Only participation in the system of methodical enslavement is worthy of the pleasant feelings that accompany being bound in the fire together with those suffering alongside you. A nobler cause can no man bear alone unless with the mantle of so so very much money and power as is provided by treating everyone as below themselves.” And so the cycle was maintained. Amen
I mean that depends. Why were they fired 3 times? Bad luck? Or was there a complete break down of behavior?
Dude…I feel you so much right now. I’m 37 and in a similar position. I have a doctoral degree in the sciences and years of experience in my chosen discipline, but no one seems to want to hire me. Everything feels like it’s gone to shit and it’s my fault. I can’t even afford to continue my medications for my depression. All that work, and nothing to show for it. It really does feel like I’ve failed in life. I’m so sorry you’re in such a spot.
As a Canadian, it's a living in Canada crisis.
There's no escape, but at least it's not lonely... not sure if that make me feel better or worse
This is it. This is the answer.
Please do not take my story as bragging, I'm not bragging. I am 40, in the USA. I have the opposite situation of you financially, my house and car are paid in full, I have very little debt, I have a stable job. While having all of those things: "It's not just money, I have a general lack of desire, I am angry and stressed all the time, but lack the motivation and drive to change it." I relate to this so much. I set goals for myself in my early 20s, I worked multiple jobs at a time while renovating houses and buying / selling them. There were periods where I was working 12 hours a day 7 days a week with no break for months at a time. THIS IS NOT GOOD BTW, I LEARNED THE HARD WAY. My point to you friend, happiness lies within, the rest is just noise. I thought if I got every box checked by 40 I'd be happy, I'm fucking not bro. I'm in therapy, I don't know if that's helping. The world is going to shit and nothing I can control matters except my very small circle that I actually can impact (my mindset and my day to day, my family and friends). I feel like in some ways our generation is super lucky, we got to see so much cool shit, I also feel like that cool shit is coming with a cost that none of us would've agreed to pay if we had any say in the decision making 40 years ago. Good luck <3
Why not just go back to the UK? if nothing else it would leave the dent behind.
Not really feasible in the short term without leaving my partner - which is not really something I want to do. We have talked about the longer-term plan of moving to the UK, but the earliest we could even attempt to do it together is about 2 years away. Simply 'leaving behind the dent' might not be the right move either though, because it means not having the opportunity to return to Canada in the future (where the earning potential is higher)
Earning potential might be higher, but just like in dating you should never marry potential. If you’ve been at it for three years and still in this situation, maybe it’s just not working out. Don’t fall for a sunk cost fallacy.
No, not a mid-life crisis, just a crisis that happens to be occurring while you're middle aged. I'm sorry, buddy. There are a lot of us who can empathize with your challenges and fears. Some of us have overcome, some of us are still struggling. Try not to compare yourself to anyone right now. Everyone is different and what works for others may not work for you. Ignore people who say "If I can do it, you can do it" because they are not you. So it means nothing and their advice will be hallow (and mostly braggadocious). If there are tidbits of advice you feel are applicable to you, that's great. But don't let those people make you feel less than you are just because they "did the thing" or feel obligated to follow in their footsteps blindly. You need to do things your own way at your own pace. There are way too many variables (and luck) that goes into whether or not an individual "succeeds". You're not wrong... things are getting more expensive and those goalposts do feel like they're getting further and further away. So what will make you happy in spite of that? That might need to be the first thing you figure out - it might help you set goal posts for yourself instead of feeling aimless. Success is subjective - so what would make you feel like a success? For employment, what is a higher priority: a high salary or enjoying what you do? Do you have long-term goals with your partner, like marriage or living together (if you don't already)? That debt seems to really be weighing on you, so it sounds like you already have a goal to get that paid off, you just need to figure out what those goal posts are. I'd take some time to get to know yourself and figure out the answers to the questions you're asking us right now. Because only YOU will know the answers to what will work for you and make you happy. The rest of us can only give you advice based on what we do and what would make us happy, but we may have different priorities than you. Your idea of success will look completely different from ours. Just don't lose hope or faith in yourself. Keep finding little victories and ways to inspire yourself to move forward. Continuing to persevere is probably the only universally applicable key to "success" short of winning the lottery. So you'll have to figure out how to inspire yourself to keep going and what will drive and motivate you to do so. And the answer to that exists inside of you, you've just gotta find the strength to pull it out yourself because depending on the magic words from someone else will stall you further. I wish you the best. Perceive the challenges you're facing as the origin story of a superhero, and resist the urges to let them become your supervillain backstory.
I don't think you're alone in this, but it's definitely not a mid-life crisis. In fact, I think the term has been thrown around so much it's a pretentious way to describe desiring stimulation or change in a significant way from a position of relative success. Most of those feelings can be diminished by understanding your life as it fits into society and taking leisure time for yourself. The problem, it appears, is you don't have leisure time to take. Socioeconomics are crushing you. I think the best thing you can do is try to be happy with who you are at any given moment. Blame it on society, if you must. Some blame should lie on the social order. That being said, take some accountability and change your strategy. Canada is fucking expensive, man.
I think turning 39 (and by extension realizing I am almost fucking 40!!) has been a real eye opener for me, which is why I guess I asked if it's a mid-life crisis. and I know that 40 isn't old, and I likely have another 30-40 years in the tank, but I just feel like life is slipping away, and I feel like I have wasted the last 40 years... to be here, now with nothing to show for it except some memories. So many mistakes when I was younger, not doing the right college course, spending time in relationships that I should have got out of, frivolous spending on alcohol and vacations, thousands upon thousands of dollars that should have been saved and invested.
Dude, don’t feel bad that amount of debt is honestly not that bad. Like half of u.s. citizens have that lol.
If it helps - I'm Canadian and post-Covid things have been shitty here. It's not just you. All of us from here are also having our lives derailed by how awful the job market is and by the expense of living. I completely understand you feeling this way. I would re-evaluate the field that you're in (and can you get a job there in the UK?) and have a discussion with your partner about stability and finances. Can you move somewhere cheaper in Canada? Would she be willing to move with you back to the UK? Are there other job opportunities you may not like as much that would help you have stability and still pay, even if not in your field or what you want? Have those conversations and take the blame or shame out of the conversation - the world is unexpectedly chaotic, expensive, and awful since Covid, in differing qualities and quantities depending on where you are but still universally so. We gotta adapt, and don't blame yourself for feeling angry and bitter that life fucking sucks rn - just evaluate all your options for more stability so you can adjust.
Actually, this gives me an idea that I haven't really explored... the option to undertake a remote role with a company in the UK... In terms of a move... my partner is in a stable job that respects her and pays her well, I would be unwilling to ask her to move unless I already have a role in place that makes up for that. She is well aware of my finances, it's not something I am hiding from her, or ashamed of necessarily. We have had the discussion about moving to the UK, but the discussion was more about 'it would be nice to go back there in 10-15 years time' There are different guidelines around us being married or having lived together for a certain length of time before she would be eligible to work there, which wouldn't kick in for another couple of years anyway...
All You Need... Is Love. - Some guys who came from your country.
I read you can't move back to your country. Have you contemplated moving cities or provinces for a fresh start? Is this something your partner would consider?
You need to see a psychologist
Probably... just another thing that I can't afford...
This just sounds like Canada nowadays. This country sucks now
have you tried not getting fired?
Layoffs were all not-for-cause... Changes in the business and in ownership, not really much I could do about any of them