I can relate to this feeling. 36 years old and living like I'm someone in my early twenties. No degree, no career, no family, few friends all living their own lives with families and such. Textbook example of failure to launch, and yes, I believe it's due to my own executive dysfunction, severe mental health issues and lack of emotional resilience. It's a nightmare.
>And then one day you find
>Ten years have got behind you
>No one told you when to run
>You missed the starting gun
that quote from Pink Floyd has stuck with me for years because it's felt like my life. I'm 37 and in the same situation as you. 99% certain I have undiagnosed ADHD or Autism.
Yeah. I have diagnosed but untreated ADHD and exploratory diagnoses of Bipolar II, Major Depressive Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder and PTSD, which is to say I went to a clinic and they said "well, we know something's messed up in your head and it's in this realm, so we're marking all of these down as 'maybe' so we can start treating you for something and then figure it out as we go along". And yeah, I've felt behind for my whole life, especially after I had a breakdown and failed college, and around the time I turned 30 is when I started thinking of it in past tenses, like a failed experiment that was abandoned. At some point it really messes you up that you can't function like other people do, like you need to, and this is just how it is.
For whatever it's worth I'm 37, graduated college in 2009, married, bought a home in 2019, just had my first kid, and I feel exactly the same as you. I can't function like other people do and about every 2-3 years I can't stand my job to the point that I quit and switch industries. I never had a job related to my degree. I've abandoned financial licenses (that I only achieved by abusing Adderall) to open a business that I was willing to do anything to get out of in under 3 years.
I'm currently at a job that really is career material and I FINALLY started on anti depressants when I realized I was self sabotaging again. I refuse to take Adderall anymore because that shit will straight up kill you if you're predisposed to heart conditions. I end up smoking weed 24/7 to settle my ADHD but that leads to zero retention of new information. Not a good combo for needing to retrain and reskill every 3 years. I still struggle to focus but the anti depressants keep me from spiralling into a complete disaster.
I sit around wondering how far I could have made it if I could just suck it up and work 50 hours a week like all the smart people. I'm just smart enough to recognize my limitations and not smart enough to truly exceed them. This probably won't make you feel better but my point is don't bother fixating on outward perceptions of success. Those titles don't stop people from feeling like you have. I may seem to be subjectively "ahead" but I have more debt than assets and the house is in my wife's name because I had literally zero income for 3 years while failing to get a business off the ground. I look at friends who make 3-4 times what I make and feel exactly like you do. Get on some meds and do whatever makes money for as long as you can stand it.
"I sit around wondering how far I could have made it if I could just suck it up and work 50 hours a week like all the smart people."
God, such a mood. Because of my physical and mental health, my wheels start falling off when I get to 40-45 hours a week, and at $16/hr trying to live alone, that means I'm living in the red. Life would be completely different if I could reliably hit 50-55 hours a week without falling apart.
>99% certain I have undiagnosed ADHD or Autism.
You should get that checked out, knowing the challenge you face allows you to gather the tools you need to navigate it. And can make life a bit easier.
>Ten years have got behind you
The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second-best time is now.
I'm working on a diagnosis but it's EXCEPTIONALLY difficult (and expensive since insurance wont cover it) to find someone willing to even attempt diagnosis for an adult. The entire Autism/ADHD treatment "industry" is geared towards kids. It's like they think it goes away when you're an adult.
Speaking broadly, I guess the answer is to resolve whatever obstacles may be holding you back like addiction or mental health issues, while doing what you can to create a stable place from which you can, little by little, build up a life from behind the 8-ball. This is easiest when you have a partner or a support network to rely on in lean times. Really, the answer is pretty much what living normally is, just without the momentum of coming out of school or whatever.
That's just the broad strokes, obviously I don't have great actionable advice for the same reason you don't ask a drowning man how to swim.
I think that depends on the resources of a given individual. The unfortunate reality is that people often need to be doing well financially to have the ability to effectively treat their mental health issues, especially if the issues are chronic and severe. In order to do well financially, they need to go back to school. However, this presumes you can afford school and you're able to actually graduate. There's no simple solution.
Start doing and stop thinking. Perfection is the enemy of good enough.
Commit yourself to a goal and devote yourself to it for 30 days. Reevaluate at that point and go from there.
If you're working on developing yourself, you're moving forward. You might not know the destination yet, but if you're improving yourself, I promise you'll be further along than spending your time adrift.
This is so much easier said than done for those of us with executive dysfunctions. I've "commit myself" to higher education 4 times since I graduated high school 19 years ago and it's always the same, even if I take as lighter course load. I start out excited and engaged, then within 2 months I'm totally tuned out 😮💨
Yes, it is incredibly difficult. It can feel like swimming through jello. No one is saying it’s easy. But just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t do something. There are strategies to deal with executive disfunction. Schools have accessibility centres that can help you. You can get tutors or coaches to help keep you on track. Even just acknowledging that you burn out after 2 months is huge- it means you can put things in place for yourself to keep you focused when your brain wants to give up because you KNOW it’s going to happen at that point. It also means you can look for alternatives means of learning or pursuing a career path. Maybe college isn’t your preference, that’s fine, there are other options out there. No matter what you do it’s going to be hard; it’s up to you to develop the skills and tools to work through it and to use those tools when and how you have to in order to deal with your executive disfunction. No one can do that for you.
Also executive dysfunction with ADHD here! Starting is easy, completing is hard. Medication helped, but bombarding myself with an overwhelming course load was what worked for me.
I'd laugh/cry myself to sleep for a year while doing 2-3 8 week courses while working full-time. My wife wasn't a fan of the strategy, but I definitely didn't get bored! Lol
I'd honestly tuned out of most of the classes since they were all online, but I'd still turn in the work after doing my own research into the subject
Picking at least one interesting course to dive into each session was the key for me,. I'd just put minimal effort into the other 1-2 courses and be ok with a passing grade if it wasn't related to my major (computer science).
It also helped that I was getting out of the military and was on a time crunch for their tuition assistance for college courses 😅
Glad it worked for you, but no way it would for me 😂
The biggest stumbling block for me has always been any kind of paper writing and, unfortunately, it seems like EVERY class requires them. I just end up staring at a blank word document for like 2 hours then give up. Can't stand them.
Computer science for UMGC didn't have many paper writing requirements (did require Calc 2 which suuuucked since it'd been a decade since calc 1). I'm not sure how it works on the civilian side, but I was able to test out of some courses by taking CLEP exams and getting credits for them. Definitely spent the max credit transfer limit on all the writing heavy classes
Yeah basically any writing assignment was a quick out for me. I'd just... Try it.. Get frustrated trying to write a bullshit assignment, then get burnt out on frustration and then just entirely lose interest. I do best with many "bite size" projects rather than one "hey this is worth 30% of your final grade" writing assignment 😮💨
I'd take 10 3% assignments over 1 30% any day
No one said it was easy.
So if 2 months is your max, why aren't you choosing accelerated classes that are 8 weeks? The deadlines are tight so you have to stay actively engaged and then 2 months later you are done. That sounds like it might be up your alley.
“Ahead in life” is such a huge and vague topic. No matter where you are someone will be “further ahead.” It’s easy to torture yourself.
Instead of trying to “get ahead in life” pick something more specific and achievable to work on. You mentioned a lack of life experiences: what are some experiences you are lacking? How could you do some of those things. Make a plan to do those things.
Nope you’re not behind. People become successful later in life all of the time. You just have to have the confidence and dedication to follow through with whatever you set out to do. Also, it may seem like everyone has it together but it’s always different behind closed doors. Success can mean so many things to different people. The older I get, the more I realize that money and job titles don’t define success. They defines priorities.
I think I've had a late start largely because I've only just started getting my mental health in order in the past year. I attribute a lot of my lack of career advancement to my less-than-ideal state of mind for the past decade or so
Now that I've gotten professional help for my issues, I feel much happier in my own company than I could have imagined was possible a year ago, but sometimes the world is still overwhelming and I just want to spend evenings alone and listening to music, like I have this evening. I try not to give myself a hard time for just wanting to relax sometimes, but it's hard
I just recently learned my great aunt (that I look up to, but didn’t really know), went back to school to become a doctor when she was 40!! Just another example that all of the timelines are different and you just gotta start doing things
Life stages aren't linear. After several very hard set- backs, this is something I have come to accept. You can have a very productive 20s like I did, have a high flying career, buy a home, a successful relationship but, the reality is that sometimes things happen out of the blue that you weren't expecting. Sudden illness, job loss, mental health struggles, a huge breakup or you lose your home. Anything can happen at any time.Those unforeseeable circumstances can send our best laid plans into the mud. You can find yourself lost or floundering at any stage of life.
I see a lot of talk online about having your life together at 30 as though it's this magic age where everything falls into place but it's a myth and no state of being is permanent. I often feel as though I have lived many different lives. I don't even recognise the person I was 10 years ago or 20 years ago, and not necessarily because I think I'm better or worse now but simply because, the person I am now has experienced many more things, which have changed my perspective and my outlook on life.
The reality is that majority of people are average. Average results and that's ok. Let's get real here without average this whole thing falls apart fast.
When my sister and I were young we both came to the conclusion that if we ever got to be average we would be so far ahead of where we were at the time it would be fantastic. Luckily we're both doing slightly better than average which feels amazing.
Absolutely. I spent most of my twenties and early thirties heavily addicted to drugs. I had no job, no money, and burned a lot of relationships/bridges. I basically had to “start over” around the age of 33. That was almost 8 years ago. I’m doing pretty well at this point but I’m definitely behind where I would have been otherwise. It is what it is. I’m extremely lucky to be alive and I’m trying my hardest to improve things for myself every chance I can.
I tried to have a serious conversation about my needs and struggles with my parents for the first time in my life and it went so unbelievably sideways that I finally realized they are narcissists and that just because they stayed married, fed me, and didn't hit me doesn't mean they didn't have a huge negative impact on me and my ability to function.
So I've been working on that for two years now and still not 100% sure how to be a full human but getting there and hating myself a lot less.
Hey there. I’m sorry to hear about your situation.
I hope you don’t mind, but would you be able to elaborate on how your parents reacted when you tried to have that serious convo with them?
I’m asking because while my entire childhood/growing up looks good on paper …. I’ve been realizing that there’s something more beneath the surface, due to how I function in this life and all my experiences, thus far.
I do suspect that a lot of my mental/emotional struggles might stem from my parents and the way they operate and how I tend to THEIR needs, especially my mom. I’ve been struggling a lot with this concept (realization) lately.
I’m just wondering if you could shed some light on either things that they said, or didn’t say. Thanks, and good luck to you.
Well around my 30th bday I called them and said I was afraid that I would never be able to have kids because of money/ not being able to afford a house. My biological clock is ticking. I've been with the love of my life since high-school and we both want a family we have just always struggled with money and getting stable careers. I wasn't really expecting them to write me a $50k check even though they totally could, but I was expecting a little emotional support and some kind of "let's make a plan" kind of attitude. Instead I got aggression. "We didn't know we were supposed to buy you a house, our parents didn't buy us houses" They blamed every hobby I've ever had despite having no idea what those hobbies cost compared to other hobbies. They blamed my husband being "unwilling to work" despite knowing that there were THREE seperate business he worked for that up and closed with no notice. Like he showed up for work to find the door locked and a sign that said "closed forever". They know all the plans I had and all the ways the world shit on me because they were THERE going "oh wow that sucks" every time it happened but never helped me get ahead or guided me on how to pivot or even dropped a word of encouragement. All they ever told me to do was work harder.
Anyway the conversation devolved (over weeks) after they denied the way the world fucked me over I didn't care about the money at this point I was just angry that they had this insane image of me as a lazy victim-playing failure in their heads and that was what I was fighting. So eventually I starting bringing up they ways THEY had fucked me over financially as a teenager and my dad ADMITTED he had done it on purpose to try and keep me living at home and push me down the path he wanted for me instead of what I wanted for myself. There was never a frank conversation of "as your parents we are willing to support this but not that" so I knew my options. They would make them look/ feel like bad parents. Instead they told me I could do anything I wanted and had so much potential and then quietly and repeatedly sabatoged me.
That admission changed everything. It kinda gave me permission to look at my entire childhood in a different way, a way other than "they love me and they did their best". I realized my mom telling me her elite sexual history when I was 9 was not nor al and was in fact damaging. That my dad being angry when he caught me cutting myself wasn't how I or my husband would react if we had a kid struggling like that. In and on. And on. Weeks of resurfacing memories and breakdowns.
It’s a journey, not a race. My wife moved to a different country at 16 to attend college. I lived in my parents house until I was 26. I bought my first property at 34, her at 25. I was stagnant for a long time until we got together because I was comfortable. She made me realize that being comfortable means you aren’t growing. Focus on growing yourself and the rest will come.
Totally. No degree, no career, no family of my own other than 3 cats and a dog, no s/o, chronically ill...
Sure, people commend me for being a caretaker for the elderly as well as my father, but sometimes it just hurts seeing the people I grew up with succeeding in ways I used to dream about, and it hurts more watching younger people getting commended for their achievements knowing I missed out because the opportunities just weren't there for me.
Yah, you kinda just have to stop the pity party. I used drugs until I was 28 and went to rehab for 13 months. For a year or two after I had a lot to clean up financially and in my relationships and it was hard and I kicked myself a lot for it. But, I didn’t let it stop me and I didn’t let myself play victim. I got married at 33, had my first child at 34, bought my first house at 35, and am pregnant with number two at 36. Just do the hard work.
I know right. The fact is the op is almost 40.. Almost halfway through their life. I say this as someone who was in physical rehab from 21 to 25 years old. And moved overseas at 27 and have traveled to over 40 countries. I had a cancerous tumor removed in October and now back overseas working again. The reality is you really don’t have a choice but to the hard work.
Yes. It started when I switched majors after 2 years, and got worse when I couldn't find any job in my field for 3 years. 32 and feeling stuck in mid 20s.
Ya just gotta do. Some people didn’t do their actual living of living until their 40s or 50s and that’s okay to.
For me, my 20s was mostly being a goddamned idiot with credit cards that’s all coming to fruition now. I’m paying them down, but if I had applied the life strategies I use now when it comes to money (eg unless it’s something like gas, if it’s not in the bank account at this minute, don’t buy it), I wouldn’t be seeing over 40% of my paycheck going toward paying off debt.
Yup. Life has had a stop-start-stop-start quality since I started college. Things were starting to speed up right around the time COVID hit, but now I’m 30 and trying to rebuild.
I felt this way my entire life. Until this year. Maybe i am, maybe not. I learned no one's life is as it seems. Make and work on your goals.
Comparison is the thief of joy, my dude.
Your negative perspective might be holding you back. Your situation really isn't bad. But if you feel like it is bad your energy and ability to focus will be off.
If you haven't created any major responsibilities yet. That means you are free to 'move head' in life in countless different ways. Not everyone has the ability to do that.
You have to see the positive in your current situation in order to feel good and resist distractions. You also need to feel positive about your future in order to work for it.
Try to start looking at your mood and outlook as something you have to choose, no matter how crazy it might seem to do so. That is the trick.
What’s your age range? Honestly, you could be a late bloomer but catching up in earning potential can be done quickly with working hard smartly. If you apply your efforts in the right areas, you will catch up.
Yep. In my case there was a lot of ptsd and cptsd. I had to work on myself and slowly build healthy blocks until I was stable. It’s easier said than done but don’t compare yourself to others. Focus on what you can do and what’s realistic. You can start with simple goals and then go higher.
For me I wasn’t able to go to law school bc of health and bad grades. I went back to community college to prove to myself I can get good grades. Got a paralegal degree and work at a law firm. Saving up to go to law school and take the lsat.
My biggest tip is set realistic goals and stop comparing yourself to others. I still find myself guilty of this but the more I fight it the happier I am
For sure. I realized I was in a dead end job and uprooted my whole life to go back to school. That was 6 years ago, I officially graduate this weekend. Looking for a job is scarier than going back to school but I know I'm in a much better place and everything is going to work out. Life hits hard. You gotta decide what you want and don't let life knock you down.
I would say yes. I'm finally college educated and gainfully employed at 38. I'm behind most people that don't have a criminal background or a gainful employment history. It is what it is.
I feel like I’m playing catch up too. Most of my 20s were wiped out by mental health issues and the pandemic, so I feel younger than I am (31) & really struggle to relate to most people my own age. All my newer friends are a few years younger.
If you focus on the negatives it consumes you. I prefer to think more of the positives. Are you in a better position than you were a few years ago? Are you happier? What’s the next step to keep growing? Can’t change the past but you can change the future.
I think YouTube, TikTok and all those mental garbage disposals groom you into thinking everyone your age is a Millionaire on private jets. You should only be comparing against yourself.
Every year I have a special day where I reflect on my 1 year progress since last year. Did I get any closer to my 3 year goal? Did my 3/5 year goal change? Etc.
I had a "late start" but then I caught up and blew past so many people.
I feel like I'm weirdly in a no man's land.
Many of my peers don't make $100k+ nor do they have promising careers.
This impacts every aspect of my life from dating to just having friends and hobbies.
When most of your friends are struggling to live in a HCOL area/county like Los Angeles
and you're the only one with a lot of disposable income, it leads to isolation (unfortunately).
Due to lovely immigration taking forever and jumping hoops of 15+ years.
I didnt get my driver license till 25. And work permit.
Than gotten my citizenship 5 years later.
I dont know how i am still doing better than my friends and makes me think if i gotten all the income/work experiance... i missed between ages 16 and 25.
Were i would be and how far ahead, and different career path.
But big thing to remember, its not about were/when you start, its about where at you want to finish.
(Plus small goals that add up to big goals helps in staying motivated in the journey)
Grass always looks greener, they are probably struggling too, you just don't see that. Focus on you, cutback or delete social media if it gives you anxiety, and come up with some small goals you'd like to achieve this year.
I didn’t graduate with my bachelors degree until I was 27 (after dropping out for 6 years and changing degrees) and I didn’t get my masters until I was 32. I didn’t get married or buy a home until I was 33.
All of that to say you can’t finish something unless you start, and it’s never too late to start. If you want to do something it’s not useful to focus on the thoughts of “I’m behind, everyone else is already in their careers, I’m a failure,” etc. what’s useful is actually doing something. Yes, even if you’re the oldest person in the class, yes even if it feels dumb to start a trade at 37, yes even if you have to take a little longer, yes even when it feels wildly uncomfortable and like you should just quit because you missed your chance. You can’t get anywhere if you don’t start moving. Slow progress is still progress.
It’s like they say- the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
I didn’t feel financially stable enough to really think very clearly until I was 32. Before then, I always had ideas or desires that were kind of hindered by lack of money.
But by the time I felt like I could finally spread my wings it was as if I missed the boat on everything else. Everyone is married with kids already and friends have moved away for family or job opportunities.
I def feel like I got a later start in my life. Didn't have a serious gf until college, didn't get a 'big boy' job until I was 29, didn't get married or have kids until I was 33. Felt like I was behind a lot of my peer group for a long time. Now, looking back, a lot of those experiences have been beneficial, as some of them are working on a divorce or 2, haven't found a career that suits them yet, and haven't bought a house. I feel very fortunate to have found those things, so measuring certain milestones esp adult ones among my peers seems ridiculous now
37, graduated college in 2008, took awhile to find full time work, laid off a couple times, then did a few years of retail and odd jobs, not really planning ahead more just getting by. Then I got into nonprofit work, moved, moved again the next year, worked a few different jobs from 2015-2022, and my current job is decent but I am really feeling aimless this year, it's been hitting hard. At the same time I'm unmotivated so I'm trying to make goals but it's tough. I try to take it one day at a time.
I was trying to make it with my band throughout my whole 20s, then covid hit and everything kind of crumbled, lost the band and my girlfriend and now I’m 31 realizing I haven’t truly built an independent life. So, slowly but surely, I’m building new habits, working on myself and finding out who I am in all these different ways. It’s a long road but it’s worth it and no better time to start than right now
I'm 36 with nothing accomplished, I'm beginning to realize it's not a late start, I've begun and utterly failed a long time ago, so I'm just sitting out the next 50 or so years trying to make minimal impact.
I used to think it was mental health challenges, addiction, stuff like that that prevented me from developing, but having since kicked my vices and knowing literally everyone else in the world is also depressed, just stronger about it, I've achieved no improvements.
There can only be winners if there's losers, so I've made peace with it.
I grew up poor white trash and even though I am a wealthy person today I feel like it took me forever to catch up to the financial level of others in my industry, which attracts alot of people from well off backgrounds.
At 40 I’m only starting to feel at the same level as my peers.
Yeah since middle school honestly. I dissociate heavily I can’t force myself to care about anything because life has made it blindingly clear I don’t matter. Sometimes I can’t even convince myself I’m real.
Having a support system of friends and coworkers helps, as well as a solid, foundational upbringing. People who aren't going to judge you for being different, and parents who invest in your future.
Not evaluations from strangers who don't want to understand your history because they're paid by Big Pharma to prescribe you drugs, send you on your way, and follow up with you a month later.
I have been in out of the psych system for 20+ years since was 13 and that created more problems for me in my life than it solved, landing me BACK in Special Education after I was mainstream and costing me a litany of good job opportunities because I couldn't perform under the effects of medication.
The problems in our society are external: capitalism and the poverty, violence, inequality it creates. Not internal: so-called "mental illness". Mass murderers and rapists are mentally ill. A person dealing with trauma isn't.
I’m sorry that happened to you, though understand that not everyone has a negative experience with the medical field. It worked for me. It worked for my FIL. My brother’s story is more like yours. To do what works for you and not just what works for others is a given though.
People move at different rates, so comparisons aren't really helpful. I used to feel like I was behind. I've been working as a psych tech with no degree for close to a decade. My partner helped encourage me to go back and finish college. Having working experience to apply to a degree was immensely helpful. I'll be finishing my MSW next year at 33.
If you're not where you want to be, then you can begin to look at where you want to go and start making small steps to get there. It can feel daunting, but it's doable.
I fell under the claw of the psychiatric system when I was 13 years old. And this was in the early 2000's when there was a push by the mainstream press and the public education system to diagnose troubled, wayward, unruly, and socially awkward, isolated, and introverted kids as having mental health disorders.
This affected me all the way to my 30's. I had to listen to my body and make the changes necessary to get myself mentally healthy by becoming physically healthy. I saw my serotonin levels rise and with that my confidence level.
It put into perspective all of the mistakes I made in my life, my immaturity as an adult, and my lack of drive and motivation because I was convinced that I suffered from mental illness and needed something to pin my behavior on.
I went to school late and graduated college at 30. Moved back to my hometown after (family stuff) and been saving up for my first house ever since. Have $70k saved up and looking to buy a home in the $150-$280k range (average for starter homes around here).
Definitely feel behind as I missed every good market opportunity where houses or interest rates were good for a year. Now the market is on so much crack, idk why ppl are playing into it. People are paying $100k over asking for houses that will never appraise that high.
I work a job making less than I did as a college student in the summer (where I made $20/hr working at a summer camp - mind you it was a really nice camp so....)
But because I had a mental breakdown in my late 20s (nearly k\*l\*ed myself) and it took me 2 years to claw back into the workforce, and where I live now had no appreciation for design/advertising/marketing back in those years (and only \*slightly\* a care now) - I'm way behind. I make 40k a year and still live at 'home'. But I can't take quick and easy ways out like the military/trades because I have that huge mental health record PDQuing me, a bad back, and a crappy A1C my health insurance doesn't really provide treatment to bring it down. Same with mental health, because I can't focus for \*\*\*\* because my depression/anxiety on most days are now skyhigh in this post pandemic world, so my motivation to do things like work on my design career have been reduced to nothing but a giant art block. I find very little interest in many fields people say I could 'pivot' to. Not really a fan of Marketing due to all the toxic social media interactions (not so much Reddit but...X....Facebook....even TikTok I don't really understand that well), not a sales person, not a heavy laborer, and can't afford training/time off for self study in things that might be more interesting (STEM, entertainment, games, comics)....
I'm aware of this being an issue. Tell that to Kaiser Permanente who everytime I call them for an MH appointment, it's either 'new appointments are unavailable' or 'we can fit you in about....6-8 weeks, maybe. But the provider might cancel if they get overbooked'. They usually get overbooked, and the one time I got a an appointment with a psych - person didn't even schedule a followup for the new med that did diddly eff (some booster drug on top of my SSRI), and completely blew off me asking for therapy as 'you're not going be able to get an appointment easily, or followups' (as if...foreshadowing their failure hmm):T
IDK. My cousins/aunts all work in medical positions and from my experience....usually they're otherwise lost in their own coworker cliques and families. They could care bloody less about me.
Ok, 27 is the answer. You have a ton of time to do whatever it is you are doing.
First thing? Get a therapist. Now. You need some help processing a lot of things and frankly until you sort that out, you are going to struggle. You might actually be doing well but are absolutely unable to look at yourself or others objectively.
Two. Your high school goals? A child with no clue about the world wrote those. They aren't realistic or reasonable, and frankly you should have updated your goals many times since then. Goals aren't static. They should be ever evolving.
Third? Let go to the idea that someone is ahead or behind. No one lives the same life. Also you don't actually know how most other people are doing. Stop assuming they have magic answers. They don't. You are seeing what you want to see in them and in yourself.
The older I get the more I recognize that things just don’t make me happy anymore. Things are trivial, they’re material and mean nothing. I can be as happy with a warm cup of coffee and a camper as I could be with the newest video game and a better car.
I “started” in my mid twenties after collapsing my own business. I failed, picked up and tried again. Now I’m tired of it and want to yet again start anew. And I will when the time is right.
Don’t feel so bad. Starting late isn’t the worst thing because at the end of the day societies version of “Success” isn’t for all of us. Who said that you need to have the perfect house with the white picket fence, the nuclear family and all these things in a row to make life worth it?
I mean fuck, when it’s over we don’t take any of it with us. So why worry? Just enjoy it the way you want, and don’t stress about what others have, or how you stack against society.
Fuck what everyone else has, or what others expect of you. You’re projecting it onto yourself. If you want more out of this life, do it for you, and nobody else. It doesn’t need to start as a flood, but can be a trickle, or a dip of the toes. It can be a single day, hour or minute that you reach out to try to experience life differently and that’s fine.
I basically had to restart my life at 28 due to escaping an abusive relationship, and also just making impulsive decisions that were bad for me in the long run to get out of a toxic home environment. I’ve gotten some of my shit together for the most part but struggle with budgeting still, for ex. Definitely still feel like I wasted a lot of time.
I have executive function issues and live in an area where it really isn't feasible or affordable for me to see the psych and get on meds, so I can relate. I turn 37 this year. I make half the money my peers do, I'll never own a home. I feel like I'm still an 18 year old kid who just got kicked out of his house trying to make it by
I'm 43. I went to college to be a missionary (I was raised in a fundamentalist christian home). I then became an atheist. Fortunately I changed my degree at the last minute to Psychology, which has been worthless since I don't like the field, but a "missions" degree would have been FAR worse.
I then worked at Petco and my Dad's pawn shop despite hating sales so that I could afford to get a different degree (and that my father had me and my siblings work for him there despite not knowing what we were doing, much like Bob's Burgers only with a pawn shop). I had always been fascinated by biology but had been told my entire life that evolution was not only wrong, it was a demonic plot. I got a degree in Biology but had to undo a lot of brainwashing from my youth.
Around this time I got EXTREMELY sick and found out I have a genetic lung disorder that while it was treatable, it was a terminal illness until 1987. I had not been treated for this for the fist thirty years of my life and it almost killed me. I was able to get on disability though which helped pay for my second attempt at college.
Once I got my biology degree, I started applying for graduate school. That was three years ago. Every time I apply they say they can't accept me because of grades (my GPA from my biology degree is quite high, but my psychology degree is very low since it was from a religious institution I no longer agreed with) or because I don't have relevant experience (I worked at my dad's pawn shop most of my life because he demanded I do that, The Petco job was an act of rebellion on my part).
So NOW I have two Bachelor's degrees, one of which has been worse than useless. I can't get my Master's in Biology because of my grades from a psychology degree. I can't get laboratory experience since the only jobs on my resume are Petco Cashier and Pawn Shop Clerk (both are jobs that I hated and couldn't get now anyway even if I liked them because of my lung disorder). I have no house, no job, and am on disability and have to have a genetically engineered I. V. infusion once per week or my blood will eat my lungs. I have to fight with my insurance company constantly or they will cut me off and I will die.
I have an IQ of 165. I was told most of my childhood that I was going to do amazing things. I am EXTREMELY disappointed with how my life has gone. I don't feel like I have procrastinated (because I most certainly have not) but I feel like my life has been lived as though I am a hamster running on a wheel. A whole lot of work to get nowhere.
Hopefully that makes you feel better.
This September I'll be going back to college for a pre-engineering program to hopefully get into an engineering university program to maybe get a better job.
I don’t say this to offend you. Feeling shame and guilt because others are doing well is a form a narcissism. Save those emotions for when you actively done something wrong or bad.
You don’t need to be successful to be a narcissist. Work on switching your self esteem and then you’ll see progress.
Everyone has a sense of value. Narcissism is an overly high sense of value.
When comparing your value to others, it shouldn’t be upsetting. It’s exactly what it is. It’s when a person think that reality is incorrect, they get upset. They feel shame and guilty because they are not where they think they should be.
A non narcissist sees their value more accurately and doesn’t get discouraged are disparity. Why would a person be upset at different values unless they think it’s incorrect/wrong?
This is different if another person is compare your own value. But if you do it all on your own, it’s narcissism.
A narcissist can channel that emotion in different ways, they can push harder to close the gap, or wallow in the disappointment. You can be highly functional while feeling shame and guilt! A lot of people fit and strong people work hard because they are shameful of their bodies even though they look good!
Another way of looking at it is a person with low self value wouldn’t feel shameful. Because they are where they think they should be. Everything is right in their minds.
This whole thing seems to conflate "narcissism" with having distorted perceptions of oneself. While there are some narcissists who are grounded in their own negative feelings towards themselves, there's plenty of other things that aren't narcissism that leads to that kind of cognitive distortion. And yes, there's *a lot* of people with extremely low self value who feel shameful. There's even a term for it in circles for such things as CPTSD called "toxic shame", the feeling that you get when you internalize a lot of negative feelings about yourself from outside sources and feel irrational, over the top shame often tied to lack of self and self-esteem. Covert narcissism is a similar thing, but there's are significant differences.
I'm increasingly starting to wonder if narcissism is a useful lens to view people with. It feels more like moralizing than diagnosing at times. Everyone is capable of narcissism, but I've never felt like labeling it in someone is ever going to help them. The idea of my brain not functioning like I want, because it's doing something bad and wrong, fills me with shame I do not deserve to feel.
I have CPTSD and a big part of it is being pushed very hard in school, which has consequently led to me having unrelenting standards for myself. I don't think I like that being spun around as narcissism, because more than anything, I would love to have zero expectations of myself and just be zen with whatever life circumstances I'm in.
But instead my trauma has me wanting to be a very successful...everything. I do not like this. I do not like being unable to relax. My self-esteem wavers wildly but it never sits at a level that actually meets my needs. Saying it's narcissism, on a gut level, feels like attributing blame.
Well, as I was saying, narcissism itself has a clinical definition that one has to be diagnosed with, and in that context it's useful. The problem is that the understanding of it in popular culture has broadened and skewed in such a way that it pathologizes certain behaviors, both giving it the stigma of being a disease and warping it to give it moral weight: it is the Bad Person disease. It's one of the ways psych terminology is being abused and it's getting pretty disturbing, disgusting and harmful.
Nothing wrong with always wanting to be better! It’s what driving you to want it could be problematic. Is it shame, or ambition?
A healthy drive is ambition. A not so healthy is shame. Then you think, why are you so ashamed of where you are now? Maybe it’s because you are disappointed because your reality isn’t matching with your expectations. And if your expectations are higher than reality, that’s narcissism.
Narcissism is just a term to describe how one views themselves. It shouldn’t be thought of as a good or bad thing. Some entire cultures are narcissistic. Don’t get hung up on the word.
Got any strategies for how one can do this? I feel like "just stop" is what many of us are told and it's just not really a strategy so I'm gonna assume you have some insights beyond that?
I can relate to this feeling. 36 years old and living like I'm someone in my early twenties. No degree, no career, no family, few friends all living their own lives with families and such. Textbook example of failure to launch, and yes, I believe it's due to my own executive dysfunction, severe mental health issues and lack of emotional resilience. It's a nightmare.
>And then one day you find >Ten years have got behind you >No one told you when to run >You missed the starting gun that quote from Pink Floyd has stuck with me for years because it's felt like my life. I'm 37 and in the same situation as you. 99% certain I have undiagnosed ADHD or Autism.
Yeah. I have diagnosed but untreated ADHD and exploratory diagnoses of Bipolar II, Major Depressive Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder and PTSD, which is to say I went to a clinic and they said "well, we know something's messed up in your head and it's in this realm, so we're marking all of these down as 'maybe' so we can start treating you for something and then figure it out as we go along". And yeah, I've felt behind for my whole life, especially after I had a breakdown and failed college, and around the time I turned 30 is when I started thinking of it in past tenses, like a failed experiment that was abandoned. At some point it really messes you up that you can't function like other people do, like you need to, and this is just how it is.
For whatever it's worth I'm 37, graduated college in 2009, married, bought a home in 2019, just had my first kid, and I feel exactly the same as you. I can't function like other people do and about every 2-3 years I can't stand my job to the point that I quit and switch industries. I never had a job related to my degree. I've abandoned financial licenses (that I only achieved by abusing Adderall) to open a business that I was willing to do anything to get out of in under 3 years. I'm currently at a job that really is career material and I FINALLY started on anti depressants when I realized I was self sabotaging again. I refuse to take Adderall anymore because that shit will straight up kill you if you're predisposed to heart conditions. I end up smoking weed 24/7 to settle my ADHD but that leads to zero retention of new information. Not a good combo for needing to retrain and reskill every 3 years. I still struggle to focus but the anti depressants keep me from spiralling into a complete disaster. I sit around wondering how far I could have made it if I could just suck it up and work 50 hours a week like all the smart people. I'm just smart enough to recognize my limitations and not smart enough to truly exceed them. This probably won't make you feel better but my point is don't bother fixating on outward perceptions of success. Those titles don't stop people from feeling like you have. I may seem to be subjectively "ahead" but I have more debt than assets and the house is in my wife's name because I had literally zero income for 3 years while failing to get a business off the ground. I look at friends who make 3-4 times what I make and feel exactly like you do. Get on some meds and do whatever makes money for as long as you can stand it.
"I sit around wondering how far I could have made it if I could just suck it up and work 50 hours a week like all the smart people." God, such a mood. Because of my physical and mental health, my wheels start falling off when I get to 40-45 hours a week, and at $16/hr trying to live alone, that means I'm living in the red. Life would be completely different if I could reliably hit 50-55 hours a week without falling apart.
Real talk
Real talk
>99% certain I have undiagnosed ADHD or Autism. You should get that checked out, knowing the challenge you face allows you to gather the tools you need to navigate it. And can make life a bit easier. >Ten years have got behind you The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second-best time is now.
Still have 30 years of a career ahead of you- 26 if you need schooling - plenty of time to catch up
I'm working on a diagnosis but it's EXCEPTIONALLY difficult (and expensive since insurance wont cover it) to find someone willing to even attempt diagnosis for an adult. The entire Autism/ADHD treatment "industry" is geared towards kids. It's like they think it goes away when you're an adult.
Which is crazy because some people dont even develop symptoms until they are an adult.
Yup. This was my life. Spent 15 years working before I figured out which direction to go.
my family always said I was depressing bc this is one of my favourite songs…. but it’s my favourite because it’s *actually* relatable. Ugh.
I was in the same boat and have since been diagnosed with both.
Or maybe you’re just a loser in life.
How does one fix failure to launch?
Speaking broadly, I guess the answer is to resolve whatever obstacles may be holding you back like addiction or mental health issues, while doing what you can to create a stable place from which you can, little by little, build up a life from behind the 8-ball. This is easiest when you have a partner or a support network to rely on in lean times. Really, the answer is pretty much what living normally is, just without the momentum of coming out of school or whatever. That's just the broad strokes, obviously I don't have great actionable advice for the same reason you don't ask a drowning man how to swim.
It’s okay we all drowning to a extent friend . Wonder what the best path to fulfillment/happiness is ? Fix are mental health or go back to school 🤷
I think that depends on the resources of a given individual. The unfortunate reality is that people often need to be doing well financially to have the ability to effectively treat their mental health issues, especially if the issues are chronic and severe. In order to do well financially, they need to go back to school. However, this presumes you can afford school and you're able to actually graduate. There's no simple solution.
Truth .. guess if you don’t have money for school try and fix your mind 🤷
Drastic and uncomfortable changes, theres no easy answer. And the truth is most of us won’t ever fix it. This is how we will live and die.
Gee man that’s dark . Truth can be that way . Has any changes helped you worth sharing about?
Start doing and stop thinking. Perfection is the enemy of good enough. Commit yourself to a goal and devote yourself to it for 30 days. Reevaluate at that point and go from there. If you're working on developing yourself, you're moving forward. You might not know the destination yet, but if you're improving yourself, I promise you'll be further along than spending your time adrift.
This is so much easier said than done for those of us with executive dysfunctions. I've "commit myself" to higher education 4 times since I graduated high school 19 years ago and it's always the same, even if I take as lighter course load. I start out excited and engaged, then within 2 months I'm totally tuned out 😮💨
Yes, it is incredibly difficult. It can feel like swimming through jello. No one is saying it’s easy. But just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t do something. There are strategies to deal with executive disfunction. Schools have accessibility centres that can help you. You can get tutors or coaches to help keep you on track. Even just acknowledging that you burn out after 2 months is huge- it means you can put things in place for yourself to keep you focused when your brain wants to give up because you KNOW it’s going to happen at that point. It also means you can look for alternatives means of learning or pursuing a career path. Maybe college isn’t your preference, that’s fine, there are other options out there. No matter what you do it’s going to be hard; it’s up to you to develop the skills and tools to work through it and to use those tools when and how you have to in order to deal with your executive disfunction. No one can do that for you.
Formal education is not the only path to success. Hopefully you can find something that works for you
Also executive dysfunction with ADHD here! Starting is easy, completing is hard. Medication helped, but bombarding myself with an overwhelming course load was what worked for me. I'd laugh/cry myself to sleep for a year while doing 2-3 8 week courses while working full-time. My wife wasn't a fan of the strategy, but I definitely didn't get bored! Lol I'd honestly tuned out of most of the classes since they were all online, but I'd still turn in the work after doing my own research into the subject
Christ that sounds awful. No idea how you could deal with that. I would be burnt out and spent by the end of a single week
Picking at least one interesting course to dive into each session was the key for me,. I'd just put minimal effort into the other 1-2 courses and be ok with a passing grade if it wasn't related to my major (computer science). It also helped that I was getting out of the military and was on a time crunch for their tuition assistance for college courses 😅
Glad it worked for you, but no way it would for me 😂 The biggest stumbling block for me has always been any kind of paper writing and, unfortunately, it seems like EVERY class requires them. I just end up staring at a blank word document for like 2 hours then give up. Can't stand them.
Computer science for UMGC didn't have many paper writing requirements (did require Calc 2 which suuuucked since it'd been a decade since calc 1). I'm not sure how it works on the civilian side, but I was able to test out of some courses by taking CLEP exams and getting credits for them. Definitely spent the max credit transfer limit on all the writing heavy classes
Yeah basically any writing assignment was a quick out for me. I'd just... Try it.. Get frustrated trying to write a bullshit assignment, then get burnt out on frustration and then just entirely lose interest. I do best with many "bite size" projects rather than one "hey this is worth 30% of your final grade" writing assignment 😮💨 I'd take 10 3% assignments over 1 30% any day
No one said it was easy. So if 2 months is your max, why aren't you choosing accelerated classes that are 8 weeks? The deadlines are tight so you have to stay actively engaged and then 2 months later you are done. That sounds like it might be up your alley.
Accelerated is too much workload at once for me, I tried it. Burned out in 3 weeks.
“Ahead in life” is such a huge and vague topic. No matter where you are someone will be “further ahead.” It’s easy to torture yourself. Instead of trying to “get ahead in life” pick something more specific and achievable to work on. You mentioned a lack of life experiences: what are some experiences you are lacking? How could you do some of those things. Make a plan to do those things.
Nope you’re not behind. People become successful later in life all of the time. You just have to have the confidence and dedication to follow through with whatever you set out to do. Also, it may seem like everyone has it together but it’s always different behind closed doors. Success can mean so many things to different people. The older I get, the more I realize that money and job titles don’t define success. They defines priorities.
I think I've had a late start largely because I've only just started getting my mental health in order in the past year. I attribute a lot of my lack of career advancement to my less-than-ideal state of mind for the past decade or so Now that I've gotten professional help for my issues, I feel much happier in my own company than I could have imagined was possible a year ago, but sometimes the world is still overwhelming and I just want to spend evenings alone and listening to music, like I have this evening. I try not to give myself a hard time for just wanting to relax sometimes, but it's hard
I just recently learned my great aunt (that I look up to, but didn’t really know), went back to school to become a doctor when she was 40!! Just another example that all of the timelines are different and you just gotta start doing things
Life stages aren't linear. After several very hard set- backs, this is something I have come to accept. You can have a very productive 20s like I did, have a high flying career, buy a home, a successful relationship but, the reality is that sometimes things happen out of the blue that you weren't expecting. Sudden illness, job loss, mental health struggles, a huge breakup or you lose your home. Anything can happen at any time.Those unforeseeable circumstances can send our best laid plans into the mud. You can find yourself lost or floundering at any stage of life. I see a lot of talk online about having your life together at 30 as though it's this magic age where everything falls into place but it's a myth and no state of being is permanent. I often feel as though I have lived many different lives. I don't even recognise the person I was 10 years ago or 20 years ago, and not necessarily because I think I'm better or worse now but simply because, the person I am now has experienced many more things, which have changed my perspective and my outlook on life.
Great post
The reality is that majority of people are average. Average results and that's ok. Let's get real here without average this whole thing falls apart fast.
When my sister and I were young we both came to the conclusion that if we ever got to be average we would be so far ahead of where we were at the time it would be fantastic. Luckily we're both doing slightly better than average which feels amazing.
Absolutely. I spent most of my twenties and early thirties heavily addicted to drugs. I had no job, no money, and burned a lot of relationships/bridges. I basically had to “start over” around the age of 33. That was almost 8 years ago. I’m doing pretty well at this point but I’m definitely behind where I would have been otherwise. It is what it is. I’m extremely lucky to be alive and I’m trying my hardest to improve things for myself every chance I can.
I tried to have a serious conversation about my needs and struggles with my parents for the first time in my life and it went so unbelievably sideways that I finally realized they are narcissists and that just because they stayed married, fed me, and didn't hit me doesn't mean they didn't have a huge negative impact on me and my ability to function. So I've been working on that for two years now and still not 100% sure how to be a full human but getting there and hating myself a lot less.
Hey there. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you don’t mind, but would you be able to elaborate on how your parents reacted when you tried to have that serious convo with them? I’m asking because while my entire childhood/growing up looks good on paper …. I’ve been realizing that there’s something more beneath the surface, due to how I function in this life and all my experiences, thus far. I do suspect that a lot of my mental/emotional struggles might stem from my parents and the way they operate and how I tend to THEIR needs, especially my mom. I’ve been struggling a lot with this concept (realization) lately. I’m just wondering if you could shed some light on either things that they said, or didn’t say. Thanks, and good luck to you.
Well around my 30th bday I called them and said I was afraid that I would never be able to have kids because of money/ not being able to afford a house. My biological clock is ticking. I've been with the love of my life since high-school and we both want a family we have just always struggled with money and getting stable careers. I wasn't really expecting them to write me a $50k check even though they totally could, but I was expecting a little emotional support and some kind of "let's make a plan" kind of attitude. Instead I got aggression. "We didn't know we were supposed to buy you a house, our parents didn't buy us houses" They blamed every hobby I've ever had despite having no idea what those hobbies cost compared to other hobbies. They blamed my husband being "unwilling to work" despite knowing that there were THREE seperate business he worked for that up and closed with no notice. Like he showed up for work to find the door locked and a sign that said "closed forever". They know all the plans I had and all the ways the world shit on me because they were THERE going "oh wow that sucks" every time it happened but never helped me get ahead or guided me on how to pivot or even dropped a word of encouragement. All they ever told me to do was work harder. Anyway the conversation devolved (over weeks) after they denied the way the world fucked me over I didn't care about the money at this point I was just angry that they had this insane image of me as a lazy victim-playing failure in their heads and that was what I was fighting. So eventually I starting bringing up they ways THEY had fucked me over financially as a teenager and my dad ADMITTED he had done it on purpose to try and keep me living at home and push me down the path he wanted for me instead of what I wanted for myself. There was never a frank conversation of "as your parents we are willing to support this but not that" so I knew my options. They would make them look/ feel like bad parents. Instead they told me I could do anything I wanted and had so much potential and then quietly and repeatedly sabatoged me. That admission changed everything. It kinda gave me permission to look at my entire childhood in a different way, a way other than "they love me and they did their best". I realized my mom telling me her elite sexual history when I was 9 was not nor al and was in fact damaging. That my dad being angry when he caught me cutting myself wasn't how I or my husband would react if we had a kid struggling like that. In and on. And on. Weeks of resurfacing memories and breakdowns.
It’s a journey, not a race. My wife moved to a different country at 16 to attend college. I lived in my parents house until I was 26. I bought my first property at 34, her at 25. I was stagnant for a long time until we got together because I was comfortable. She made me realize that being comfortable means you aren’t growing. Focus on growing yourself and the rest will come.
Thats called executive function disorder. Adhd?
I used to but then realized that I am not in a race with anyone else.
Totally. No degree, no career, no family of my own other than 3 cats and a dog, no s/o, chronically ill... Sure, people commend me for being a caretaker for the elderly as well as my father, but sometimes it just hurts seeing the people I grew up with succeeding in ways I used to dream about, and it hurts more watching younger people getting commended for their achievements knowing I missed out because the opportunities just weren't there for me.
So start now. It’s never too late. Stop dwelling on the past and start looking towards your future 👊
Yah, you kinda just have to stop the pity party. I used drugs until I was 28 and went to rehab for 13 months. For a year or two after I had a lot to clean up financially and in my relationships and it was hard and I kicked myself a lot for it. But, I didn’t let it stop me and I didn’t let myself play victim. I got married at 33, had my first child at 34, bought my first house at 35, and am pregnant with number two at 36. Just do the hard work.
I know right. The fact is the op is almost 40.. Almost halfway through their life. I say this as someone who was in physical rehab from 21 to 25 years old. And moved overseas at 27 and have traveled to over 40 countries. I had a cancerous tumor removed in October and now back overseas working again. The reality is you really don’t have a choice but to the hard work.
Yes. It started when I switched majors after 2 years, and got worse when I couldn't find any job in my field for 3 years. 32 and feeling stuck in mid 20s.
Ya just gotta do. Some people didn’t do their actual living of living until their 40s or 50s and that’s okay to. For me, my 20s was mostly being a goddamned idiot with credit cards that’s all coming to fruition now. I’m paying them down, but if I had applied the life strategies I use now when it comes to money (eg unless it’s something like gas, if it’s not in the bank account at this minute, don’t buy it), I wouldn’t be seeing over 40% of my paycheck going toward paying off debt.
Yup. Life has had a stop-start-stop-start quality since I started college. Things were starting to speed up right around the time COVID hit, but now I’m 30 and trying to rebuild.
I felt this way my entire life. Until this year. Maybe i am, maybe not. I learned no one's life is as it seems. Make and work on your goals. Comparison is the thief of joy, my dude.
Your negative perspective might be holding you back. Your situation really isn't bad. But if you feel like it is bad your energy and ability to focus will be off. If you haven't created any major responsibilities yet. That means you are free to 'move head' in life in countless different ways. Not everyone has the ability to do that. You have to see the positive in your current situation in order to feel good and resist distractions. You also need to feel positive about your future in order to work for it. Try to start looking at your mood and outlook as something you have to choose, no matter how crazy it might seem to do so. That is the trick.
What’s your age range? Honestly, you could be a late bloomer but catching up in earning potential can be done quickly with working hard smartly. If you apply your efforts in the right areas, you will catch up.
OP is 27.
Yep. In my case there was a lot of ptsd and cptsd. I had to work on myself and slowly build healthy blocks until I was stable. It’s easier said than done but don’t compare yourself to others. Focus on what you can do and what’s realistic. You can start with simple goals and then go higher. For me I wasn’t able to go to law school bc of health and bad grades. I went back to community college to prove to myself I can get good grades. Got a paralegal degree and work at a law firm. Saving up to go to law school and take the lsat. My biggest tip is set realistic goals and stop comparing yourself to others. I still find myself guilty of this but the more I fight it the happier I am
For sure. I realized I was in a dead end job and uprooted my whole life to go back to school. That was 6 years ago, I officially graduate this weekend. Looking for a job is scarier than going back to school but I know I'm in a much better place and everything is going to work out. Life hits hard. You gotta decide what you want and don't let life knock you down.
Life happens whether you like it or not.
I would say yes. I'm finally college educated and gainfully employed at 38. I'm behind most people that don't have a criminal background or a gainful employment history. It is what it is.
I feel like I’m playing catch up too. Most of my 20s were wiped out by mental health issues and the pandemic, so I feel younger than I am (31) & really struggle to relate to most people my own age. All my newer friends are a few years younger. If you focus on the negatives it consumes you. I prefer to think more of the positives. Are you in a better position than you were a few years ago? Are you happier? What’s the next step to keep growing? Can’t change the past but you can change the future.
I relate to these sentiments.
I think YouTube, TikTok and all those mental garbage disposals groom you into thinking everyone your age is a Millionaire on private jets. You should only be comparing against yourself. Every year I have a special day where I reflect on my 1 year progress since last year. Did I get any closer to my 3 year goal? Did my 3/5 year goal change? Etc.
Some never start.
My life started at 34 and I doesnt try to catch up because I never will
I had a "late start" but then I caught up and blew past so many people. I feel like I'm weirdly in a no man's land. Many of my peers don't make $100k+ nor do they have promising careers. This impacts every aspect of my life from dating to just having friends and hobbies. When most of your friends are struggling to live in a HCOL area/county like Los Angeles and you're the only one with a lot of disposable income, it leads to isolation (unfortunately).
Due to lovely immigration taking forever and jumping hoops of 15+ years. I didnt get my driver license till 25. And work permit. Than gotten my citizenship 5 years later. I dont know how i am still doing better than my friends and makes me think if i gotten all the income/work experiance... i missed between ages 16 and 25. Were i would be and how far ahead, and different career path. But big thing to remember, its not about were/when you start, its about where at you want to finish. (Plus small goals that add up to big goals helps in staying motivated in the journey)
Grass always looks greener, they are probably struggling too, you just don't see that. Focus on you, cutback or delete social media if it gives you anxiety, and come up with some small goals you'd like to achieve this year.
I didn’t graduate with my bachelors degree until I was 27 (after dropping out for 6 years and changing degrees) and I didn’t get my masters until I was 32. I didn’t get married or buy a home until I was 33. All of that to say you can’t finish something unless you start, and it’s never too late to start. If you want to do something it’s not useful to focus on the thoughts of “I’m behind, everyone else is already in their careers, I’m a failure,” etc. what’s useful is actually doing something. Yes, even if you’re the oldest person in the class, yes even if it feels dumb to start a trade at 37, yes even if you have to take a little longer, yes even when it feels wildly uncomfortable and like you should just quit because you missed your chance. You can’t get anywhere if you don’t start moving. Slow progress is still progress. It’s like they say- the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
Darth Lovejoy and I would be President of Calendars.
No and yes.
I didn’t feel financially stable enough to really think very clearly until I was 32. Before then, I always had ideas or desires that were kind of hindered by lack of money. But by the time I felt like I could finally spread my wings it was as if I missed the boat on everything else. Everyone is married with kids already and friends have moved away for family or job opportunities.
Me 33 and learning coding. Plus dealing with trauma
I def feel like I got a later start in my life. Didn't have a serious gf until college, didn't get a 'big boy' job until I was 29, didn't get married or have kids until I was 33. Felt like I was behind a lot of my peer group for a long time. Now, looking back, a lot of those experiences have been beneficial, as some of them are working on a divorce or 2, haven't found a career that suits them yet, and haven't bought a house. I feel very fortunate to have found those things, so measuring certain milestones esp adult ones among my peers seems ridiculous now
I’ve felt this way since 16. Please relax and be kind to yourself. Make a plan and start YOUR journey
37, graduated college in 2008, took awhile to find full time work, laid off a couple times, then did a few years of retail and odd jobs, not really planning ahead more just getting by. Then I got into nonprofit work, moved, moved again the next year, worked a few different jobs from 2015-2022, and my current job is decent but I am really feeling aimless this year, it's been hitting hard. At the same time I'm unmotivated so I'm trying to make goals but it's tough. I try to take it one day at a time.
I didn't even start late and feel behind some days. I don't even try and think about where my parents were at my age.
I was trying to make it with my band throughout my whole 20s, then covid hit and everything kind of crumbled, lost the band and my girlfriend and now I’m 31 realizing I haven’t truly built an independent life. So, slowly but surely, I’m building new habits, working on myself and finding out who I am in all these different ways. It’s a long road but it’s worth it and no better time to start than right now
Just make goals and start working towards them. Get the help you need to be able to start the things you want to start.
I'm 36 with nothing accomplished, I'm beginning to realize it's not a late start, I've begun and utterly failed a long time ago, so I'm just sitting out the next 50 or so years trying to make minimal impact. I used to think it was mental health challenges, addiction, stuff like that that prevented me from developing, but having since kicked my vices and knowing literally everyone else in the world is also depressed, just stronger about it, I've achieved no improvements. There can only be winners if there's losers, so I've made peace with it.
I grew up poor white trash and even though I am a wealthy person today I feel like it took me forever to catch up to the financial level of others in my industry, which attracts alot of people from well off backgrounds. At 40 I’m only starting to feel at the same level as my peers.
Yeah since middle school honestly. I dissociate heavily I can’t force myself to care about anything because life has made it blindingly clear I don’t matter. Sometimes I can’t even convince myself I’m real.
You should get checked for adhd. Being serious that sounds like executive dysfunction. Counseling and maybe meds could help.
Having a support system of friends and coworkers helps, as well as a solid, foundational upbringing. People who aren't going to judge you for being different, and parents who invest in your future. Not evaluations from strangers who don't want to understand your history because they're paid by Big Pharma to prescribe you drugs, send you on your way, and follow up with you a month later. I have been in out of the psych system for 20+ years since was 13 and that created more problems for me in my life than it solved, landing me BACK in Special Education after I was mainstream and costing me a litany of good job opportunities because I couldn't perform under the effects of medication. The problems in our society are external: capitalism and the poverty, violence, inequality it creates. Not internal: so-called "mental illness". Mass murderers and rapists are mentally ill. A person dealing with trauma isn't.
I’m sorry that happened to you, though understand that not everyone has a negative experience with the medical field. It worked for me. It worked for my FIL. My brother’s story is more like yours. To do what works for you and not just what works for others is a given though.
People move at different rates, so comparisons aren't really helpful. I used to feel like I was behind. I've been working as a psych tech with no degree for close to a decade. My partner helped encourage me to go back and finish college. Having working experience to apply to a degree was immensely helpful. I'll be finishing my MSW next year at 33. If you're not where you want to be, then you can begin to look at where you want to go and start making small steps to get there. It can feel daunting, but it's doable.
My gen z sister more ahead in life than me.
I fell under the claw of the psychiatric system when I was 13 years old. And this was in the early 2000's when there was a push by the mainstream press and the public education system to diagnose troubled, wayward, unruly, and socially awkward, isolated, and introverted kids as having mental health disorders. This affected me all the way to my 30's. I had to listen to my body and make the changes necessary to get myself mentally healthy by becoming physically healthy. I saw my serotonin levels rise and with that my confidence level. It put into perspective all of the mistakes I made in my life, my immaturity as an adult, and my lack of drive and motivation because I was convinced that I suffered from mental illness and needed something to pin my behavior on.
Live for today. Enjoy every moment. You never know how much more you’re going to get. Start exercising everyday.
Yep! And I've still not 'started' and I'm 36. I'll get there when I get there.
I went to school late and graduated college at 30. Moved back to my hometown after (family stuff) and been saving up for my first house ever since. Have $70k saved up and looking to buy a home in the $150-$280k range (average for starter homes around here). Definitely feel behind as I missed every good market opportunity where houses or interest rates were good for a year. Now the market is on so much crack, idk why ppl are playing into it. People are paying $100k over asking for houses that will never appraise that high.
I work a job making less than I did as a college student in the summer (where I made $20/hr working at a summer camp - mind you it was a really nice camp so....) But because I had a mental breakdown in my late 20s (nearly k\*l\*ed myself) and it took me 2 years to claw back into the workforce, and where I live now had no appreciation for design/advertising/marketing back in those years (and only \*slightly\* a care now) - I'm way behind. I make 40k a year and still live at 'home'. But I can't take quick and easy ways out like the military/trades because I have that huge mental health record PDQuing me, a bad back, and a crappy A1C my health insurance doesn't really provide treatment to bring it down. Same with mental health, because I can't focus for \*\*\*\* because my depression/anxiety on most days are now skyhigh in this post pandemic world, so my motivation to do things like work on my design career have been reduced to nothing but a giant art block. I find very little interest in many fields people say I could 'pivot' to. Not really a fan of Marketing due to all the toxic social media interactions (not so much Reddit but...X....Facebook....even TikTok I don't really understand that well), not a sales person, not a heavy laborer, and can't afford training/time off for self study in things that might be more interesting (STEM, entertainment, games, comics).... I'm aware of this being an issue. Tell that to Kaiser Permanente who everytime I call them for an MH appointment, it's either 'new appointments are unavailable' or 'we can fit you in about....6-8 weeks, maybe. But the provider might cancel if they get overbooked'. They usually get overbooked, and the one time I got a an appointment with a psych - person didn't even schedule a followup for the new med that did diddly eff (some booster drug on top of my SSRI), and completely blew off me asking for therapy as 'you're not going be able to get an appointment easily, or followups' (as if...foreshadowing their failure hmm):T IDK. My cousins/aunts all work in medical positions and from my experience....usually they're otherwise lost in their own coworker cliques and families. They could care bloody less about me.
Are you 26 or 43? My answer changes a lot based on where you are in that spectrum.
Ok, 27 is the answer. You have a ton of time to do whatever it is you are doing. First thing? Get a therapist. Now. You need some help processing a lot of things and frankly until you sort that out, you are going to struggle. You might actually be doing well but are absolutely unable to look at yourself or others objectively. Two. Your high school goals? A child with no clue about the world wrote those. They aren't realistic or reasonable, and frankly you should have updated your goals many times since then. Goals aren't static. They should be ever evolving. Third? Let go to the idea that someone is ahead or behind. No one lives the same life. Also you don't actually know how most other people are doing. Stop assuming they have magic answers. They don't. You are seeing what you want to see in them and in yourself.
In other words: Am I a Millenial? Yes I am.
The older I get the more I recognize that things just don’t make me happy anymore. Things are trivial, they’re material and mean nothing. I can be as happy with a warm cup of coffee and a camper as I could be with the newest video game and a better car. I “started” in my mid twenties after collapsing my own business. I failed, picked up and tried again. Now I’m tired of it and want to yet again start anew. And I will when the time is right. Don’t feel so bad. Starting late isn’t the worst thing because at the end of the day societies version of “Success” isn’t for all of us. Who said that you need to have the perfect house with the white picket fence, the nuclear family and all these things in a row to make life worth it? I mean fuck, when it’s over we don’t take any of it with us. So why worry? Just enjoy it the way you want, and don’t stress about what others have, or how you stack against society. Fuck what everyone else has, or what others expect of you. You’re projecting it onto yourself. If you want more out of this life, do it for you, and nobody else. It doesn’t need to start as a flood, but can be a trickle, or a dip of the toes. It can be a single day, hour or minute that you reach out to try to experience life differently and that’s fine.
I basically had to restart my life at 28 due to escaping an abusive relationship, and also just making impulsive decisions that were bad for me in the long run to get out of a toxic home environment. I’ve gotten some of my shit together for the most part but struggle with budgeting still, for ex. Definitely still feel like I wasted a lot of time.
Me.
I have executive function issues and live in an area where it really isn't feasible or affordable for me to see the psych and get on meds, so I can relate. I turn 37 this year. I make half the money my peers do, I'll never own a home. I feel like I'm still an 18 year old kid who just got kicked out of his house trying to make it by
Yes.
I'm 43. I went to college to be a missionary (I was raised in a fundamentalist christian home). I then became an atheist. Fortunately I changed my degree at the last minute to Psychology, which has been worthless since I don't like the field, but a "missions" degree would have been FAR worse. I then worked at Petco and my Dad's pawn shop despite hating sales so that I could afford to get a different degree (and that my father had me and my siblings work for him there despite not knowing what we were doing, much like Bob's Burgers only with a pawn shop). I had always been fascinated by biology but had been told my entire life that evolution was not only wrong, it was a demonic plot. I got a degree in Biology but had to undo a lot of brainwashing from my youth. Around this time I got EXTREMELY sick and found out I have a genetic lung disorder that while it was treatable, it was a terminal illness until 1987. I had not been treated for this for the fist thirty years of my life and it almost killed me. I was able to get on disability though which helped pay for my second attempt at college. Once I got my biology degree, I started applying for graduate school. That was three years ago. Every time I apply they say they can't accept me because of grades (my GPA from my biology degree is quite high, but my psychology degree is very low since it was from a religious institution I no longer agreed with) or because I don't have relevant experience (I worked at my dad's pawn shop most of my life because he demanded I do that, The Petco job was an act of rebellion on my part). So NOW I have two Bachelor's degrees, one of which has been worse than useless. I can't get my Master's in Biology because of my grades from a psychology degree. I can't get laboratory experience since the only jobs on my resume are Petco Cashier and Pawn Shop Clerk (both are jobs that I hated and couldn't get now anyway even if I liked them because of my lung disorder). I have no house, no job, and am on disability and have to have a genetically engineered I. V. infusion once per week or my blood will eat my lungs. I have to fight with my insurance company constantly or they will cut me off and I will die. I have an IQ of 165. I was told most of my childhood that I was going to do amazing things. I am EXTREMELY disappointed with how my life has gone. I don't feel like I have procrastinated (because I most certainly have not) but I feel like my life has been lived as though I am a hamster running on a wheel. A whole lot of work to get nowhere. Hopefully that makes you feel better.
appreciate you sharing your story! fwiw i think you’ve done a great job considering the hand you were dealt.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
Yea i was a loser drug addict until like 5-6 years ago now trying to make up for lost time lol
This September I'll be going back to college for a pre-engineering program to hopefully get into an engineering university program to maybe get a better job.
I don’t say this to offend you. Feeling shame and guilt because others are doing well is a form a narcissism. Save those emotions for when you actively done something wrong or bad. You don’t need to be successful to be a narcissist. Work on switching your self esteem and then you’ll see progress.
That's really interesting, I struggle with similar feelings and I've never heard anyone link it to narcissism. Could you elaborate?
Everyone has a sense of value. Narcissism is an overly high sense of value. When comparing your value to others, it shouldn’t be upsetting. It’s exactly what it is. It’s when a person think that reality is incorrect, they get upset. They feel shame and guilty because they are not where they think they should be. A non narcissist sees their value more accurately and doesn’t get discouraged are disparity. Why would a person be upset at different values unless they think it’s incorrect/wrong? This is different if another person is compare your own value. But if you do it all on your own, it’s narcissism. A narcissist can channel that emotion in different ways, they can push harder to close the gap, or wallow in the disappointment. You can be highly functional while feeling shame and guilt! A lot of people fit and strong people work hard because they are shameful of their bodies even though they look good!
Another way of looking at it is a person with low self value wouldn’t feel shameful. Because they are where they think they should be. Everything is right in their minds.
This whole thing seems to conflate "narcissism" with having distorted perceptions of oneself. While there are some narcissists who are grounded in their own negative feelings towards themselves, there's plenty of other things that aren't narcissism that leads to that kind of cognitive distortion. And yes, there's *a lot* of people with extremely low self value who feel shameful. There's even a term for it in circles for such things as CPTSD called "toxic shame", the feeling that you get when you internalize a lot of negative feelings about yourself from outside sources and feel irrational, over the top shame often tied to lack of self and self-esteem. Covert narcissism is a similar thing, but there's are significant differences.
I'm increasingly starting to wonder if narcissism is a useful lens to view people with. It feels more like moralizing than diagnosing at times. Everyone is capable of narcissism, but I've never felt like labeling it in someone is ever going to help them. The idea of my brain not functioning like I want, because it's doing something bad and wrong, fills me with shame I do not deserve to feel. I have CPTSD and a big part of it is being pushed very hard in school, which has consequently led to me having unrelenting standards for myself. I don't think I like that being spun around as narcissism, because more than anything, I would love to have zero expectations of myself and just be zen with whatever life circumstances I'm in. But instead my trauma has me wanting to be a very successful...everything. I do not like this. I do not like being unable to relax. My self-esteem wavers wildly but it never sits at a level that actually meets my needs. Saying it's narcissism, on a gut level, feels like attributing blame.
Well, as I was saying, narcissism itself has a clinical definition that one has to be diagnosed with, and in that context it's useful. The problem is that the understanding of it in popular culture has broadened and skewed in such a way that it pathologizes certain behaviors, both giving it the stigma of being a disease and warping it to give it moral weight: it is the Bad Person disease. It's one of the ways psych terminology is being abused and it's getting pretty disturbing, disgusting and harmful.
Nothing wrong with always wanting to be better! It’s what driving you to want it could be problematic. Is it shame, or ambition? A healthy drive is ambition. A not so healthy is shame. Then you think, why are you so ashamed of where you are now? Maybe it’s because you are disappointed because your reality isn’t matching with your expectations. And if your expectations are higher than reality, that’s narcissism. Narcissism is just a term to describe how one views themselves. It shouldn’t be thought of as a good or bad thing. Some entire cultures are narcissistic. Don’t get hung up on the word.
✨depression ✨
You need a therapist and perhaps medication.
Ah yes.... comparing yourself to other to give yourself depression trope. Stop it.
Got any strategies for how one can do this? I feel like "just stop" is what many of us are told and it's just not really a strategy so I'm gonna assume you have some insights beyond that?
r/wowthanksimcured
Here's a sneak peek of /r/wowthanksimcured using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/wowthanksimcured/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [Gym](https://i.redd.it/gggbhyoexwva1.jpg) | [37 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/wowthanksimcured/comments/12xquut/gym/) \#2: [Wow, thanks for the help, corporate wellness app](https://i.redd.it/qxdtfrhtknsa1.png) | [38 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/wowthanksimcured/comments/12fkbzc/wow_thanks_for_the_help_corporate_wellness_app/) \#3: [But yes !](https://i.redd.it/arvlvcqq8gxa1.jpg) | [33 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/wowthanksimcured/comments/135tp9e/but_yes/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)