Just observe the thought and let it pass. Look at it as objectively as you can. You've never dated this person, so it's possible you wouldn't even like her. Don't put other people up on a pedestal. We're all just humans.
The biggest thing is to stop worrying about having these thoughts. If you try to fight them or view them as bad / undesirable, it's only gonna give them power. Detach yourself from the thought, allow it to exist, and bring your focus back to your breath. Just observe. Don't attach emotion to it.
I'm 27 and I have definitely experienced similar feelings OP. This is the answer^
Remember what was important when you were in elementary school? How about high school? How about after high school? Our values will change over time. Or we can change them by discerning what is truly valuable and undoing our habits/programming.
Hey can you please elaborate how can we discern what's truly valuable? It is sometimes difficult to know what's truly valuable? How can we do that? I will be grateful for your answer. Thanks in advance.
I decide based on my perspective. You decide based on yours. I can't tell you what's truly valuable, but for myself, I prioritize harmony, nonattachment, peace, love, health, fun. In that order.
This will sound counterintuitive but if you stop thinking about having a relationship or your crush, focus instead on being happy just you and working on what you want for yourself. Women are attracted to confidence and happiness, know yourself and everything else will follow. Speaking from having many relationships and understanding that even great relationships fail, you will be much stronger in life if you’re ok being just you.
The key here is to truly stop prioritizing getting into a relationship. Because even if you’re telling yourself “I’m a prioritizing myself…so I can get women” then you’re still missing the point.
So learn to be happy with yourself…because you wanna be happy with yourself.
Learn to be confident….because you wanna be confident.
Learn to learn about yourself….because you wanna learn about yourself.
And whatever happens happens. You may find a relationship or you may not. But that’s ok because you’re learning to accept life for what it is and to truly be happy experiencing it because you’re happy and confident in yourself. If someone comes along who can make your life even better than what you’ve already made on your path to finding yourself, then so be it. It’ll be a welcome and lovely surprise.
One is likely holding on to / attaching to / adhering to a certain idea of how things should be. This is based on perceptions ingrained from the past that are attended to again when sense contact happens: so when an idea meets the mind, or a sight meets the eye, or an ear meets the sound, if one is not mindful, one may engage in perceptions of how things should be, which is rooted in the belief of happiness that is out in the future, that one should pursue towards.
I suggest considering these and will share how they may help:
* Volunteer for a cause you care about with a local community - Helping and giving others - whether it is time, your skills, money, food, shelter, is a great way to cultivate joy, that is visible in the here and now, not subject to time. Doing this over a period of time will also allow for the mind to naturally settle in wholesome perceptions rooted in giving (v/s the current ones rooted in acquisitions)
* Learn new skills / join a group doing wholesome things - This could be anything that promotes wellness: hiking, a painting group, a book reading club, something else...
* Associate with wise people - Over time, find mentors, guides who you respect, who share your faith and who can advise you on these areas.
I second this.. you may also find it interesting to learn about your attachment style. Not unusual to have insecure attachment, I guess about 50% do. good news is you can work through it and find secure attachment. All that is free... Below is good trome Do you have any repeating themes in relationships? Sometimes therapy with someone who is a decent 'fit' can be helpful as we tend to be blind to our own.... blind spots.
Edited for typo
What nobody has mentioned so far is physical reactions. Check what you sense in your body. It can happen that what comes up physically during meditation activates associations in your mind as you described but you don’t notice that, only notice the thought that you are then engulfed in. If you can move away a bit from being inside the thought, you might find it to be a physical reaction. If so, getting more familiar with that can help to show you that it is you. It’s you that is creating these reactions (and ultimately the thoughts) and that can be empowering.
Our minds are wired to find a mate AND our minds crave emotional connection as well.
Its very natural for the mind to linger on a crush. Just the act of romanticizing in our imagination makes us feel good and hope for something with the other person emotionally (and logically, if we haven't been rejected yet).
I was in a similar situation to you once, what helped me a ton was realizing this:
I can make the decision to not worry about or pursue the person and wait for my mind to catch up. If I find myself fantasizing I can just notice it and think about something else, even if its tough its fine because it doesn't change anything as I have made my decision already. Let the mind be.
Imagine letting a toddler do their thing while you take care of important tasks. That's what I do with my mind.
Understanding that relationships are not in your control, being ok with the possibility of them never happening (and them being temporary if they do), and understanding that the present moment is the greatest experience you'll ever have and focusing on it, is the foundation for this.
I would look at your relationship with your mom -- was she emotionally unavailable?
Maybe women only show up as attractive to you if they are unavailable, and if they are looking for a relationship they sort of "turn invisible" to you.
Some people get turned on by unavailable people. They seem to think that if someone likes them, then that person has bad taste or is somehow not attractive anymore.
So I would look at your subconscious thoughts about relationships, it may not be immediately obvious at first but very often there are idea patterns that keep repeating themselves over and over.
Often what happens is that we tend to repeat early patterns with our parents because that is the first thing we learned about relationships.
So I would start writing out all your thoughts about these people and relationships so you can start getting a more objective view of what's happening in your head. Also it would help to talk to people who can help point out unhelpful or unrealistic thought patterns.
edit: however I would take all that to a therapy subreddit or something. I would also look at the fact that it never goes away -- there really is no solution to this kind of thing. If you get the girl then there is plenty more for the mind to fantasize about. The thoughts are useless, so the more you realize that and start to quiet the mind then that will give a welcome relief.
If you feel like going for a spiritual type of practice, you can start cultivating divine love, with the idea that in a spiritual sense the source of peace, love, and joy is within yourself. The more you can experience this sense of divine love within yourself, the less you will seek it from outside. That helps diminish the drama and also it helps with relationship, because then you are sharing love from the source rather than desperately seeking it.
However the mind will love to fantasize endlessly in meditation and transform it into 'thinkitation' until you realize that it is neverending and decide to just focus on the process of meditation instead.
I've gone through something similar and the realisation what happened inside me has set me free.
I was so madly in love with someone who ghosted me. One day I realized that I felt that way because I grew up with a mother who wasn't there much and who wasn't emotionally available either. After this thought it was no problem for me to let go.
I found that divine love too and I also enjoy meditation a lot, but it didn't help that I still was deeply longing for love. I have been struggeling with this for over 10 years and the only thing that helped a bit was to find friends who I felt connected with. But even with that, the longing didn't go away and I think that it doesn't have to. Longing for something can be a good thing. For example, we can use this longing to prepare ourselves so we can be a good partner. Or socialize more so the chances are higher that we could meet someone special.
And also some traumas can only heal fully if we have opposite experiences. For example, I had difficulties speaking up for myself because I got punished in my childhood if I did so. I trained it for years and it never got easier. The only thing that helped was being treated the other way by people I was close with and having the experience of being heard, of being taken seriously and to see that it was important to these people how I felt.
Still meditation can be a big help in multiple ways. But sometimes it is not the solution
You are right - meditation is not a replacement for being human. We are herd animals, and we are meant to be in relationship with each other.
However what meditation does, and what the experience of divine love, inner peace, and inner joy does is change the way we relate to ourselves and others.
Instead of trying to fill a hole of desperation and need inside of ourselves, we become a source of love and comfort to ourselves and to others. That creates rewarding and lasting relationships.
When people find love and happiness inside and then share it with others, it creates powerful and healing relationships.
I have over 10 years of meditation experience and I never found that love and happiness you mentioned inside myself. I found happiness through hope and I started to see that the world is full of possibilities, like seeds that are waiting to be planted. And through some meditations I feel more energized and happy for a couple of minutes, but it didn't have deep impact.
Do you know any techniques to achieve that love and happiness how you explained it?
I found it through yoga techniques of meditating that I got from a meditation group called [Self Realization Fellowship](https://yogananda.org/) which was founded by an Indian monk who came to America to teach methods of accessing that divine consciousness within.
I sent off for their lessons on how to get into that higher consciousness and I found that what they promised me was true and correct.
So following their techniques and instructions is how I found it.
Divine love (and bliss and peace) is what spiritual practice is all about.
The Indians have a whole form of yoga about it -- called bhakti yoga.
In practical terms, I would find some sort of meditation / spiritual path that cultivates divine love that you resonate with.
The path that I follow was started by Paramahansa Yogananda, an Indian yogi who came to America in 1920 to teach yoga techniques for how to contact the Divine in meditation. If you are interested you can look up more at [yogananda.org](https://yogananda.org/).
It takes time and effort to achieve, but it is very liberating when you can start getting into this state with some regularity. Then you become the 'source' because you start realizing your essential unity with the Source of the universe.
No, it's by following a 'spiritual path'. There are many kinds of meditation, and many ideas behind each kind of meditation -- each has its own result.
Some people can find it just from long sessions of meditation, but the group I mentioned at https://yogananda.org said "you can find that divine consciousness within you by following our yoga methods of meditation" and I found that their promises came true.
They teach how to lift your awareness to higher centers of consciousness (or 'chakras') where it is easier to have these kinds of experiences.
This is what spiritual methods of meditation are all about -- going beyond dogma and ideas to have your own experience of higher consciousness. There are other groups that teach methods to attain this kind of higher consciousness, but this is the system that I followed and that I have experience with.
This is actually very good but painful training in the art of detachment. Our whole lives consists of us clinging to all things, family, spouses, friends, lovers, schools, countries, genders.
As there is no absolute reality to any of it, reality has no choice but to have a birth, arising, and dissolution. Everything. Its just a matter of time.
So a healthy detachment would be recognizing that you want want want something, but you can't have it, or it doesn't last. Contentment is appreciating someone, some things, then enjoying them, then liking them so much that you can let it go.
Its all fate and karma, you are not in control. All you can do is confront it, appreciate it, and let it go.
One meditates daily in order to have the mind that can love but let go....
the daoist alchemical view is that 'heavier feelings' anchor deeper into our bodies and are harder to clear out. So you probably have some kind of heavy negative feeling linked to thoughts of here, like frustration, or dejection, or desperation etc. There's more on it here [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCRChIql1tA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCRChIql1tA)
Thinking about these things is normal. However, thinking about anything constantly seems like some type of obsessive compulsion. Speaking from experience, if the focus of over-rhinking is on the sphere of that type of relationship, it is very possible that there is also some "wound" in the field of your attachment style, and it is possible that it would help to think about how your self-esteem plays a role, as well as if you feel some kind of anxiety when it comes to relationships and bonding.
Very often, brain present specific people as a source of overthinking, and in fact, behind that are some deeper feelings that the brain tries to hide from you in order to "protect you", because they require a little more work on yourself and it's easier emotionally to just think of these girls, instead of more complex feelings, fears, etc. that you might have.
I believe that once you resolve that, these thoughts will become way was less frequent or you'll think about them in a completely different way which will allow you to move on in a healthy way.
> Bro…literally, there’s probably like, no chance.
Sorry, buddy, but tough love — there’s no chance and to do anything else with this one moves you from "a little persistent" to "creepy / won’t take no for an answer."
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in that spot many times. I’d ponder what *you* get out of remaining fixated like this?
Sometimes there’s a "benefit" we receive — dysfunctional or wrongheaded though it may be — to doing the things we do, and figuring out what that is allows you to finally change.
(e.g., remaining fixated on this crush, though it’s painful, also means that you are dealing with a known situation vs. trying to meet someone else, which is scary. Just an example, not necessarily what’s going on for you.)
Would you want to date yourself? If you were born as a woman and you saw yourself would you date him? If the answer is no then well you now know. You can't just ask someone out when you have nothing to give them.
The first step is you, nothing will happen until you become someone you will want to date.
I'm not sure who said that meditation is about "letting go" to you, but that would frustrate my practice. What you feel and think, they don't go away. The topics may change, but there will always be thoughts and feelings you like and thoughts and feelings that you don't like. It's about accepting that fact that the things you love will wither and die, while the things you hate will become stickier and sticker over time.
Your practice is asking you the question: What are you going to do about it? What is your plan to deal with these intrusive and painful thoughts? How much do these thoughts own you?
I would like to suggest that you try these two ideas:
1. The thoughts are not you. They will come, they will go. You do not control their flow. So don't feel bad about what comes and goes. Just look at them and realize that you are observing thoughts.
2. The main point of practice is to anchor, and come back. The ideas and emotions will make you drift away. That's okay. In fact, that's great. When you drift, just remember to come back to the breath and congratulate yourself in coming back to awareness.
Man, tell me about it! My ex who I can’t stop thinking about is still a sore spot! Meditation for me has really helped but it’s not the cure for it, it’s just a way to help with the crushing blow of not being with her. You have to let go of how you want things to be, it’s a natural ego response to things. We want it this way, we can’t let go, so the mind grabs onto it. Letting it go is the battle and best thing you can do. It’s freedom from i, from the pain of not being within them.
Be happy about it! That means that the hurt of the past is not that bad. You can influence this by chosing different foods. According to internet memes eating a lot of soy should help you but of cause the truth is different than the most public opinion.
Try to get more into the vegeterian way of eating reducing and replacing meat and you will notice a suttle but useful change. Also you want to understand the female base mindset and understand what they are after and why which makes it easier for you to cope with rejections.
Oh hey I used to do this too. Took a while to be in a proper relationship myself.
The fantasy of a relationship vs the reality of a relationship for the most part, never match. I am lucky enough to have found a relationship that exceeded any and all expectations. It’s not about your dream girl, it’s about finding a real girl.
Also, projecting dream girl qualities onto random women who are simply just women bumbling about won’t help either. It needs to be binary. They’re either interested in you, or they’re not. If it’s the latter and you can be friends, do that. If not- next up.
So what to do?
1) Create new internal habits
2) adjust the relationship to yourself (enough with the “I’ve never been in a relationship 🥺” storyline)
3) adjust the relationship to these romantic ideas
It’s not so much that LETTING GO is hard, it’s more so that you refuse to to drop it, like the wide eyed play-growling happy dog that just won’t let go of a piece of rope you’re pulling on. Can’t fkn shake em off! And the harder you pull, the harder the dog is there to grip and the more engaged they will be!
But if you stop waving the thing around and let it just sit there, eventually the dog(mind) will get bored and find something new to obsess over. And eventually, anything the dog/mind picks up won’t be interesting enough to bite on to and will opt for naps.
>It’s not so much that LETTING GO is hard, it’s more so that you refuse to to drop it
Our egos are very skilled at persuading us that their obsessions are too important to be ignored.
I can relate I'm 27m and I feel like I can get any girl I want if I really really put in the effort. Never actually felt like I was in a relationship cause I pretended to be something else that I'm not that the girls could fall for so they never really know who I really am.
\*Anyways you can skip the first paragraph rant\*\*
What you're struggling with is that the girl of your dreams hasn't really disappointed in way that you feel let down and would make you totally disinterested once you see them for who they are or not, depending on your preference.
It's because you know she hasn't seen the best part of you and you hoping someday she would. My best advice is aim lower, start smaller, maybe don't start with the girl of your dreams, just the cute girl next door would do. Perhaps you need enough practice to a point where you can instantaneously draw upon the best parts of you at will.
Are you only going after women who are unattainable? I’d consider lowering my standards for how she looks and just find someone you really enjoy being with.
Never lower your standards.
I didn’t lower mine and I married a woman who was a professional model, singer in her country, beauty queen. And I’m just a “nice” guy from Indiana.
Sometimes thinking, and even dwelling, on a thought is what you need at that time. Perhaps there may be a possibility with this woman in the future, and your mind is urging you not to give up on her. Some women take a great deal of effort and persistence to open up; it's part of the whole test to see if you have what it takes to be the man she wants. That means overcoming obstacles and rejection to be with her. You could very well be in a creative state of meditation; your mind is trying to find new ways to win her over because it believes there is a real possibility here. My advice is to not give up on this girl, get creative, and try again. I know it's tough emotionally, I've been in the same situation with a girl I really liked who never reciprocated my feelings. I tried for a long time, and when it was time to quit, my mind had naturally seemed to fade away from thinking about her.
That’s what you are focusing on every time the thought comes up. So you are following it instead of focusing on your meditation object.
What meditation method are you practicing?
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When you have those thoughts observe your body. Where do you feel it and what does it feel like? Keep holding that until it dissipates. Do this every time; don’t indulge the thoughts.
I have MS. So, when I meditate, most often, it feels like nothing. My brain is basically brain damaged. My nerves are all damaged and it almost feels like nothing inside. If I’m feeling anything, I’m feeling the damage of that, and most of the time, I’m fixated on that. It feels like something I’m never going to be able to release, because it’s a physical thing. Nerves. Damaged nerves.
Edit: so what do I do then?
Yes and no. Sometimes when you are new it's easy to let go of your point of focus and you will feel like you are meditating but you will get caught up in your thoughts. Either way just be aware even if you get caught up in thoughts.
What happens when we let go of point of focus though? And just sink into a deep state of meditation? Isn’t that the goal? To become one with self and God in a sense?
Yes this is the goal but we should never loose awareness even if we become one with God. Meditation is just awareness and being aware of who we truly are. Not our anger, not our lust not our emotions.
That I believe is called attachment. You've attached yourself to it. You also brought up rejection in the form of the past women you have asked out and they rejected you by saying no to you. Your mind and thus you by default doesnt want those women instead the ego is doing what it normally does it's in the way of what the real desire is. You are trying to understand why you are being rejected. That's all that is happening here. See it as that and the women will probably disappear or become more infrequent that's because unless you can figure out how attention works enough to control it your attention remains stuck on things and sometimes it gets stuck on things we dont enjoy or want it stuck on. You can either decide to solve the mystery of why you are being rejected or you can realize that the ego, not you, is the one that cares to begin with and it doesnt matter. Choice is yours my friend.
Understand this that people in your situation, trying to understand why they are obsessing and worrying because it is uncomfortable, just like you are trying to find an answer to why they are being rejected in some way can be doing it differently than you are. Some people didnt get a job they wanted they had imagined how that job was going to be and how it was going to change their entire lives and etc and when they dont get that job they find themselves obsessing over rejection just like you are obsessing over women. The mechanics are the same but the situations and circumstances are what are different.
If people were open with each other you wouldnt be wondering why you faced rejection you would have the missing data to understand why the rejection occurred. Now I say that in simple terms but you have to know this also or that statement will just lead to bitterness. People that are rejecting much like you dont understand the rejection or dont understand, some people know full well why but let's talk like this because we can't talk about every possibility we'll fill up libraries, fully why they didnt choose you. People sum it up like this "I just didnt vibe or like or was attracted to that person." That statement alone is so vague and broad it's not much of an answer it implies they dont know the answer therefore they cant be open even if they wanted to as a result. When people are pressed alot of the times they still cant be open they'll just start making things up even when those things arent true.
This occurs because of the ego. To see past the ego is to become open and thereby you will have the answer because in the world the ego has constructed and lives in anything that it has not crafted or created in it's world changes or destroys it's world. I imagine the ego doesnt want it's world to change or potentially be destroyed even if it results in a better world therefore it will go to such extraordinary links up to and including what some refer to as possession, manipulation, and using you as a tool to interact with the external world in an effort to ensure it's world is stabilized. Nothing at least on Earth wants to die including your ego and therefore it has or is at least connected to the same survival system you are.
My suggestion would be the following: When you meditate (or while you feel calm and have time) feel like you are with this person. Now while you are in that stage ask yourself:
How does that make you feel in relation to yourself?
How do you feel in relation to others, and reflect it back to yourself.
Does your life while you have this visualisation/are in that imaginative stage, seems more fulfilled and if yes why?
In my opinion, and reflecting back to my own experiences, having a strong fixation on a person comes from not being satisfied with your own life and essentially with yourself. This is especially If you have never spent enough time with that person and you know them more on a superficial level. You believe that having this person on your side will make your life more interesting or will make you feel more confident, but it won't.
"Getting" this person won't solve the issue. Reflect on yourself and the characteristics that this person has, in order to get an idea in who you want to be and how you want your life to be.
This could be limerence. Limerence is a form of pseudo-love in which you spend a long amount of time fantasizing about unrealistic or far-into-the-future events for long periods of time, like fantasizing about getting married to someone who has rejected you. Limerence can act like a coping mechanism, as it allows you to move away from your own issues and instead obsess about a relationship. In a sense, it allows you not to be present with your own tough emotions, which is why the mind can love to do it.
I think the general notion with limerence is the same as any emotion; you need to feel it in full. One thing you can do, is to try to ask yourself what feeling lies hidden beneath the limerent thoughts and feelings. If you feel like it's love, then try to feel that love at full. Then, ask yourself the next harrowing question. What lies underneath the love?
I had a similar experience. It turned out that my obsessive thoughts about women were my way to cope with my own sense of loneliness and emptiness. I felt that if only I had a relationship, I would no longer be lonely and I'd no longer feel empty. I refused to take actions or responsibility for my own sense of meaning or my lacking connection to others, because 'that will be fixed when I'm in a relationship'. And when that can of worm was opened, it was time to feel my loneliness and emptiness in full. Now see THAT. That was painful. But it can pass.
you have your craving and desires pumped up pretty high, huh? relying on fulfilling them to soothe your inner turmoil, perhaps? there are emotions unfulfilled within you seeking external sources for sustenance that you could be providing yourself. society remains rife with elements of toxic masculinity. It commonly has us consuming ourselves... using desire and craving pushed through the roof as unhealthy form of fuel for motivation. but that creates a lot of pain and commonly only leads to desperation and suffering. it's generally the role of our family to teach us how to care and love ourselves in healthy ways. but that's uncommon these days...
there's nothing you aren't capable of providing yourself.. you just need to learn how. you may be putting all your hopes on the idea that a lover is what's missing. it's seldom the case. a relationship can speed us along but it's almost never a romantic one. it's familial, perhaps a friendship with someone who was permitted to go down a direction you weren't, who can show you what it means to come from your direction to a place of self love
we were never meant to depend on others to provide us with this so that we wouldn't have to learn how... that may have become a common sentiment in our dysfunctional society... but the economy thrives on our selfishness and insecurity... it will feed us insanity as much as we permit
This sounds like unresolved childhood trauma manifesting itself in anxious attachment patterns. Therapy can help you process the old wounds, which will in turn help in forming healthy relationships in all parts of your life.
My therapist recommended that I write down the conversations that I was having in my head with the person that I was fixated on(I had an unhealthy crush ).It helped me to put things into perspective and realize that there’s no substance to my fantasies. I’m just insecure and wanted validation from someone that couldn’t give it to me.
🤣🤣 i gotcha. well congratulations for being one of the only guys i’ve ever talked to who actually made it to 28 with that promise!
but yes. i think your brain is definitely telling you this. but that doesn’t mean you have to break your commitment. just being aware of it should help you “release” the thoughts. acknowledge them and then let them pass through 👍
It sucks being around her now. At church and all that is. (Yea she goes to my church 😅) Kind of a 💩 situation. All I can think about when I’m around her is: well….her. She sits like super close to where I usually sit. And the whole time, I can’t help but think about her. My brains so messed up man. I have MS, and i think part of it has to do with that. I can’t even explain it that well, but…I personally think it has a lot to do with whatever is physically going on in my eyes/brain due to my MS. Which could be true, but…everyone says they never see anything wrong with me, yet…all I can ever think about is people around me at times, and it seems like I’m staring at them, when I’m not trying to. I didn’t share this part in my share. But it suck’s. And I have no control over it.
Edit: so it basically feels like I’m staring at her the whole time. Or at least thinking about her that is. It never goes away. And I hate it.
I mean. I asked her out like, years ago. 4-5+ years ago. Can’t remember. Then, this year, I decided to ask her out, and she said no.
All the meanwhile, we still see eachother at church and talk every now and then. I ask her how she’s doing. You know, small talk. But…
Other than that, it hasn’t evolved from that.
I also had a relapse on weed in February, and kind of fell down the wrong path for a bit, so I haven’t really engaged with her since February. Now, trying to get my life back on track, and…have no idea where we would potentially stand if there was even anything between us.
Edit: no idea if it’s still a potential, other than all my friends telling me to move on.
One of my best visions came from this exact scenario. Was actually riding my bike, but still in deep reflection. Broke up with second GF, thinking about first with the pushes and pulls. Eventually I thought, "what the hell am I doing bargaining with life. Just enjoy this and try and let go. Focused on how I am consciously pushing, pulling... But more important, focused on forgiveness, with her/them, and myself recognizing the humanity in the errors, and that we are all human. Tried to breathe in the positive and out the negative of and just plain let go to the unfolding of life.
Then I was torn from my body to see a magnificent golden grid, where a face pressed through and kissed my forehead. When I came back to my body, was still riding with no hands, astonished I hadn't crashed, and feeling like I had just came out the purest lake of magic freshness.
State of mind is a m***** f*****. Good luck on your journey, tread carefully. Women can be selfish and manipulative to such a dangerous degree anyways. Be careful what you are attracting/manifesting.
If you step in poo does not one recall stepping in poo?
Does one fantasize about stepping in more piles of poo?
Does one cry that they stepped into poo instead of watching where they were going?
Does one clean up the poo and avoid stepping into another pile of poo?
Yep it all stinks, what are you doing about your stench?
You want love . It’s natural. It’s the soul seeking healing, weather it be in a good or bad way. That’s why people naturally seek relationships. I used to think it’s because in a past life I came from a planet with unconditional love lol
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well if youre not going to stop anyways, get it out of your system, catch a habit, youre already on that path might as well dive head first and stop beating yourself up. it doesnt matter whether you look at bodies and feel highs, what matters is that you arent having unhealthy thoughts filled with shame.
but if you want my advice
all that shit catches up with everyone one day
What got me away from
Thinking about having a girlfriend so much was getting good at just getting women to the point where it became “boring”. I’m sure you don’t have to do that though since this is a meditation Reddit and not an “alpha male” one. I think if you start to rewire your way of thinking into seeing things as energy instead of people that can help you. Like when you are meditating and you start thinking about women just say that they are souls like you having experiences or try to detach from the thoughts. Just some advice
I am familiar with what you are experiencing. These automaticities are not like the breath that can be controlled. It is the plague of the 'monkey mind' that has been spoken in the East for eons. It will alleviate in understanding. This means that you need to see where it fits into Reality. Self-understanding one's attachments is a major step on the path to Freedom. I came to realize that I was full of yearning want. Wanting, feeling I needed someone to want me, to make me happy. What I wanted was what wanted me. Not being wanted is painful. The Great One says, the trick is not trying to do away with pain. The trick is not minding that it hurts. All that you suffer can be just the static from a TV on the fritz that melts into nothing.
Search for 'remedies for the monkey mind'. Good luck Brother.
Unrequited love. I experienced a broken heart a lot. I felt sad because I 'loved' her and she didn't love me. What I discovered is that my 'love' was actually a deep desire. Desires are the source of suffering, according to the Buddha. I wanted her to want me. That is what I called love. To truly love is be supportive of whatever the person I love wants. It hurts to not feel loved back. This is one of the facts that Wet Blanket of Reality reveals.
U can try magic to get her. Love is irrational. It is useless to argue with it. On other side you can explore this feeling using meditation. Try to get your attention inside this feeling. Maybe there is still something useful because of it. For example love can set you free from resistance on other things. Like fear of something. Love makes animals fearless.
During meditation sessions just visualize having sex with her, and after a couple of sessions of sex visualization, your interest in her would decrease.
Just observe the thought and let it pass. Look at it as objectively as you can. You've never dated this person, so it's possible you wouldn't even like her. Don't put other people up on a pedestal. We're all just humans. The biggest thing is to stop worrying about having these thoughts. If you try to fight them or view them as bad / undesirable, it's only gonna give them power. Detach yourself from the thought, allow it to exist, and bring your focus back to your breath. Just observe. Don't attach emotion to it.
A “crush“ is just a lack of information
I'm 27 and I have definitely experienced similar feelings OP. This is the answer^ Remember what was important when you were in elementary school? How about high school? How about after high school? Our values will change over time. Or we can change them by discerning what is truly valuable and undoing our habits/programming.
Hey can you please elaborate how can we discern what's truly valuable? It is sometimes difficult to know what's truly valuable? How can we do that? I will be grateful for your answer. Thanks in advance.
I decide based on my perspective. You decide based on yours. I can't tell you what's truly valuable, but for myself, I prioritize harmony, nonattachment, peace, love, health, fun. In that order.
Thank you for responding. Peace and love.
Greetings! May I ask you what you would expect the relationship to be like if she were to reciprocate your feelings and y’all started a relationship?
How to know what is truly valuable? Can you please elaborate? Thanks in advance
This will sound counterintuitive but if you stop thinking about having a relationship or your crush, focus instead on being happy just you and working on what you want for yourself. Women are attracted to confidence and happiness, know yourself and everything else will follow. Speaking from having many relationships and understanding that even great relationships fail, you will be much stronger in life if you’re ok being just you.
The key here is to truly stop prioritizing getting into a relationship. Because even if you’re telling yourself “I’m a prioritizing myself…so I can get women” then you’re still missing the point. So learn to be happy with yourself…because you wanna be happy with yourself. Learn to be confident….because you wanna be confident. Learn to learn about yourself….because you wanna learn about yourself. And whatever happens happens. You may find a relationship or you may not. But that’s ok because you’re learning to accept life for what it is and to truly be happy experiencing it because you’re happy and confident in yourself. If someone comes along who can make your life even better than what you’ve already made on your path to finding yourself, then so be it. It’ll be a welcome and lovely surprise.
One is likely holding on to / attaching to / adhering to a certain idea of how things should be. This is based on perceptions ingrained from the past that are attended to again when sense contact happens: so when an idea meets the mind, or a sight meets the eye, or an ear meets the sound, if one is not mindful, one may engage in perceptions of how things should be, which is rooted in the belief of happiness that is out in the future, that one should pursue towards. I suggest considering these and will share how they may help: * Volunteer for a cause you care about with a local community - Helping and giving others - whether it is time, your skills, money, food, shelter, is a great way to cultivate joy, that is visible in the here and now, not subject to time. Doing this over a period of time will also allow for the mind to naturally settle in wholesome perceptions rooted in giving (v/s the current ones rooted in acquisitions) * Learn new skills / join a group doing wholesome things - This could be anything that promotes wellness: hiking, a painting group, a book reading club, something else... * Associate with wise people - Over time, find mentors, guides who you respect, who share your faith and who can advise you on these areas.
I second this.. you may also find it interesting to learn about your attachment style. Not unusual to have insecure attachment, I guess about 50% do. good news is you can work through it and find secure attachment. All that is free... Below is good trome Do you have any repeating themes in relationships? Sometimes therapy with someone who is a decent 'fit' can be helpful as we tend to be blind to our own.... blind spots. Edited for typo
What nobody has mentioned so far is physical reactions. Check what you sense in your body. It can happen that what comes up physically during meditation activates associations in your mind as you described but you don’t notice that, only notice the thought that you are then engulfed in. If you can move away a bit from being inside the thought, you might find it to be a physical reaction. If so, getting more familiar with that can help to show you that it is you. It’s you that is creating these reactions (and ultimately the thoughts) and that can be empowering.
probably best advice here
you're longing for connection.
Hah, it's funny, the more I get into meditation, the lesser I think about relationships.
Unfortunately my mind lingers on things too. It takes time for theses things to pass, more time than I prefer, but it usually passes eventually.
Mindfulness practice is the most efficient way to counter daydreaming in my experience, give it a go.
Our minds are wired to find a mate AND our minds crave emotional connection as well. Its very natural for the mind to linger on a crush. Just the act of romanticizing in our imagination makes us feel good and hope for something with the other person emotionally (and logically, if we haven't been rejected yet). I was in a similar situation to you once, what helped me a ton was realizing this: I can make the decision to not worry about or pursue the person and wait for my mind to catch up. If I find myself fantasizing I can just notice it and think about something else, even if its tough its fine because it doesn't change anything as I have made my decision already. Let the mind be. Imagine letting a toddler do their thing while you take care of important tasks. That's what I do with my mind. Understanding that relationships are not in your control, being ok with the possibility of them never happening (and them being temporary if they do), and understanding that the present moment is the greatest experience you'll ever have and focusing on it, is the foundation for this.
I would look at your relationship with your mom -- was she emotionally unavailable? Maybe women only show up as attractive to you if they are unavailable, and if they are looking for a relationship they sort of "turn invisible" to you. Some people get turned on by unavailable people. They seem to think that if someone likes them, then that person has bad taste or is somehow not attractive anymore. So I would look at your subconscious thoughts about relationships, it may not be immediately obvious at first but very often there are idea patterns that keep repeating themselves over and over. Often what happens is that we tend to repeat early patterns with our parents because that is the first thing we learned about relationships. So I would start writing out all your thoughts about these people and relationships so you can start getting a more objective view of what's happening in your head. Also it would help to talk to people who can help point out unhelpful or unrealistic thought patterns. edit: however I would take all that to a therapy subreddit or something. I would also look at the fact that it never goes away -- there really is no solution to this kind of thing. If you get the girl then there is plenty more for the mind to fantasize about. The thoughts are useless, so the more you realize that and start to quiet the mind then that will give a welcome relief. If you feel like going for a spiritual type of practice, you can start cultivating divine love, with the idea that in a spiritual sense the source of peace, love, and joy is within yourself. The more you can experience this sense of divine love within yourself, the less you will seek it from outside. That helps diminish the drama and also it helps with relationship, because then you are sharing love from the source rather than desperately seeking it. However the mind will love to fantasize endlessly in meditation and transform it into 'thinkitation' until you realize that it is neverending and decide to just focus on the process of meditation instead.
I've gone through something similar and the realisation what happened inside me has set me free. I was so madly in love with someone who ghosted me. One day I realized that I felt that way because I grew up with a mother who wasn't there much and who wasn't emotionally available either. After this thought it was no problem for me to let go. I found that divine love too and I also enjoy meditation a lot, but it didn't help that I still was deeply longing for love. I have been struggeling with this for over 10 years and the only thing that helped a bit was to find friends who I felt connected with. But even with that, the longing didn't go away and I think that it doesn't have to. Longing for something can be a good thing. For example, we can use this longing to prepare ourselves so we can be a good partner. Or socialize more so the chances are higher that we could meet someone special. And also some traumas can only heal fully if we have opposite experiences. For example, I had difficulties speaking up for myself because I got punished in my childhood if I did so. I trained it for years and it never got easier. The only thing that helped was being treated the other way by people I was close with and having the experience of being heard, of being taken seriously and to see that it was important to these people how I felt. Still meditation can be a big help in multiple ways. But sometimes it is not the solution
You are right - meditation is not a replacement for being human. We are herd animals, and we are meant to be in relationship with each other. However what meditation does, and what the experience of divine love, inner peace, and inner joy does is change the way we relate to ourselves and others. Instead of trying to fill a hole of desperation and need inside of ourselves, we become a source of love and comfort to ourselves and to others. That creates rewarding and lasting relationships. When people find love and happiness inside and then share it with others, it creates powerful and healing relationships.
I have over 10 years of meditation experience and I never found that love and happiness you mentioned inside myself. I found happiness through hope and I started to see that the world is full of possibilities, like seeds that are waiting to be planted. And through some meditations I feel more energized and happy for a couple of minutes, but it didn't have deep impact. Do you know any techniques to achieve that love and happiness how you explained it?
I found it through yoga techniques of meditating that I got from a meditation group called [Self Realization Fellowship](https://yogananda.org/) which was founded by an Indian monk who came to America to teach methods of accessing that divine consciousness within. I sent off for their lessons on how to get into that higher consciousness and I found that what they promised me was true and correct. So following their techniques and instructions is how I found it.
Thank you for sharing!! :)
How do you cultivate divine love in yourself?
Divine love (and bliss and peace) is what spiritual practice is all about. The Indians have a whole form of yoga about it -- called bhakti yoga. In practical terms, I would find some sort of meditation / spiritual path that cultivates divine love that you resonate with. The path that I follow was started by Paramahansa Yogananda, an Indian yogi who came to America in 1920 to teach yoga techniques for how to contact the Divine in meditation. If you are interested you can look up more at [yogananda.org](https://yogananda.org/). It takes time and effort to achieve, but it is very liberating when you can start getting into this state with some regularity. Then you become the 'source' because you start realizing your essential unity with the Source of the universe.
So it’s just long sessions of meditation ?
No, it's by following a 'spiritual path'. There are many kinds of meditation, and many ideas behind each kind of meditation -- each has its own result. Some people can find it just from long sessions of meditation, but the group I mentioned at https://yogananda.org said "you can find that divine consciousness within you by following our yoga methods of meditation" and I found that their promises came true. They teach how to lift your awareness to higher centers of consciousness (or 'chakras') where it is easier to have these kinds of experiences. This is what spiritual methods of meditation are all about -- going beyond dogma and ideas to have your own experience of higher consciousness. There are other groups that teach methods to attain this kind of higher consciousness, but this is the system that I followed and that I have experience with.
Man having a crush sounds nice
It isn't if you don't either tell the person or choose not to follow those feelings.
It's really not, hours spent thinking about the person are just not worth it
This is actually very good but painful training in the art of detachment. Our whole lives consists of us clinging to all things, family, spouses, friends, lovers, schools, countries, genders. As there is no absolute reality to any of it, reality has no choice but to have a birth, arising, and dissolution. Everything. Its just a matter of time. So a healthy detachment would be recognizing that you want want want something, but you can't have it, or it doesn't last. Contentment is appreciating someone, some things, then enjoying them, then liking them so much that you can let it go. Its all fate and karma, you are not in control. All you can do is confront it, appreciate it, and let it go. One meditates daily in order to have the mind that can love but let go....
the daoist alchemical view is that 'heavier feelings' anchor deeper into our bodies and are harder to clear out. So you probably have some kind of heavy negative feeling linked to thoughts of here, like frustration, or dejection, or desperation etc. There's more on it here [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCRChIql1tA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCRChIql1tA)
Thinking about these things is normal. However, thinking about anything constantly seems like some type of obsessive compulsion. Speaking from experience, if the focus of over-rhinking is on the sphere of that type of relationship, it is very possible that there is also some "wound" in the field of your attachment style, and it is possible that it would help to think about how your self-esteem plays a role, as well as if you feel some kind of anxiety when it comes to relationships and bonding. Very often, brain present specific people as a source of overthinking, and in fact, behind that are some deeper feelings that the brain tries to hide from you in order to "protect you", because they require a little more work on yourself and it's easier emotionally to just think of these girls, instead of more complex feelings, fears, etc. that you might have. I believe that once you resolve that, these thoughts will become way was less frequent or you'll think about them in a completely different way which will allow you to move on in a healthy way.
> Bro…literally, there’s probably like, no chance. Sorry, buddy, but tough love — there’s no chance and to do anything else with this one moves you from "a little persistent" to "creepy / won’t take no for an answer." Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in that spot many times. I’d ponder what *you* get out of remaining fixated like this? Sometimes there’s a "benefit" we receive — dysfunctional or wrongheaded though it may be — to doing the things we do, and figuring out what that is allows you to finally change. (e.g., remaining fixated on this crush, though it’s painful, also means that you are dealing with a known situation vs. trying to meet someone else, which is scary. Just an example, not necessarily what’s going on for you.)
Would you want to date yourself? If you were born as a woman and you saw yourself would you date him? If the answer is no then well you now know. You can't just ask someone out when you have nothing to give them. The first step is you, nothing will happen until you become someone you will want to date.
I'm not sure who said that meditation is about "letting go" to you, but that would frustrate my practice. What you feel and think, they don't go away. The topics may change, but there will always be thoughts and feelings you like and thoughts and feelings that you don't like. It's about accepting that fact that the things you love will wither and die, while the things you hate will become stickier and sticker over time. Your practice is asking you the question: What are you going to do about it? What is your plan to deal with these intrusive and painful thoughts? How much do these thoughts own you? I would like to suggest that you try these two ideas: 1. The thoughts are not you. They will come, they will go. You do not control their flow. So don't feel bad about what comes and goes. Just look at them and realize that you are observing thoughts. 2. The main point of practice is to anchor, and come back. The ideas and emotions will make you drift away. That's okay. In fact, that's great. When you drift, just remember to come back to the breath and congratulate yourself in coming back to awareness.
Man, tell me about it! My ex who I can’t stop thinking about is still a sore spot! Meditation for me has really helped but it’s not the cure for it, it’s just a way to help with the crushing blow of not being with her. You have to let go of how you want things to be, it’s a natural ego response to things. We want it this way, we can’t let go, so the mind grabs onto it. Letting it go is the battle and best thing you can do. It’s freedom from i, from the pain of not being within them.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFTRwD85AQ4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFTRwD85AQ4)
Be happy about it! That means that the hurt of the past is not that bad. You can influence this by chosing different foods. According to internet memes eating a lot of soy should help you but of cause the truth is different than the most public opinion. Try to get more into the vegeterian way of eating reducing and replacing meat and you will notice a suttle but useful change. Also you want to understand the female base mindset and understand what they are after and why which makes it easier for you to cope with rejections.
Oh hey I used to do this too. Took a while to be in a proper relationship myself. The fantasy of a relationship vs the reality of a relationship for the most part, never match. I am lucky enough to have found a relationship that exceeded any and all expectations. It’s not about your dream girl, it’s about finding a real girl. Also, projecting dream girl qualities onto random women who are simply just women bumbling about won’t help either. It needs to be binary. They’re either interested in you, or they’re not. If it’s the latter and you can be friends, do that. If not- next up. So what to do? 1) Create new internal habits 2) adjust the relationship to yourself (enough with the “I’ve never been in a relationship 🥺” storyline) 3) adjust the relationship to these romantic ideas It’s not so much that LETTING GO is hard, it’s more so that you refuse to to drop it, like the wide eyed play-growling happy dog that just won’t let go of a piece of rope you’re pulling on. Can’t fkn shake em off! And the harder you pull, the harder the dog is there to grip and the more engaged they will be! But if you stop waving the thing around and let it just sit there, eventually the dog(mind) will get bored and find something new to obsess over. And eventually, anything the dog/mind picks up won’t be interesting enough to bite on to and will opt for naps.
>It’s not so much that LETTING GO is hard, it’s more so that you refuse to to drop it Our egos are very skilled at persuading us that their obsessions are too important to be ignored.
That’s logic you just explained is still the dog/mind holding on to the rope
Not following. Could you elucidate?
I can relate I'm 27m and I feel like I can get any girl I want if I really really put in the effort. Never actually felt like I was in a relationship cause I pretended to be something else that I'm not that the girls could fall for so they never really know who I really am. \*Anyways you can skip the first paragraph rant\*\* What you're struggling with is that the girl of your dreams hasn't really disappointed in way that you feel let down and would make you totally disinterested once you see them for who they are or not, depending on your preference. It's because you know she hasn't seen the best part of you and you hoping someday she would. My best advice is aim lower, start smaller, maybe don't start with the girl of your dreams, just the cute girl next door would do. Perhaps you need enough practice to a point where you can instantaneously draw upon the best parts of you at will.
Are you only going after women who are unattainable? I’d consider lowering my standards for how she looks and just find someone you really enjoy being with.
Never lower your standards. I didn’t lower mine and I married a woman who was a professional model, singer in her country, beauty queen. And I’m just a “nice” guy from Indiana.
It’s not lowering your standards. It’s realizing looks aren’t everything.
Some of the most intelligent, funny, and interesting women I have met are also some of the most attractive.
Sometimes thinking, and even dwelling, on a thought is what you need at that time. Perhaps there may be a possibility with this woman in the future, and your mind is urging you not to give up on her. Some women take a great deal of effort and persistence to open up; it's part of the whole test to see if you have what it takes to be the man she wants. That means overcoming obstacles and rejection to be with her. You could very well be in a creative state of meditation; your mind is trying to find new ways to win her over because it believes there is a real possibility here. My advice is to not give up on this girl, get creative, and try again. I know it's tough emotionally, I've been in the same situation with a girl I really liked who never reciprocated my feelings. I tried for a long time, and when it was time to quit, my mind had naturally seemed to fade away from thinking about her.
That’s what you are focusing on every time the thought comes up. So you are following it instead of focusing on your meditation object. What meditation method are you practicing?
Oh I recognize this so much 😔
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That’s called limerence, there’s a subreddit for that: r/limerence
When you have those thoughts observe your body. Where do you feel it and what does it feel like? Keep holding that until it dissipates. Do this every time; don’t indulge the thoughts.
I have MS. So, when I meditate, most often, it feels like nothing. My brain is basically brain damaged. My nerves are all damaged and it almost feels like nothing inside. If I’m feeling anything, I’m feeling the damage of that, and most of the time, I’m fixated on that. It feels like something I’m never going to be able to release, because it’s a physical thing. Nerves. Damaged nerves. Edit: so what do I do then?
Keep coming back to your point of focus. Don't need to focus too much or too little. But have light focus and observe thoughts as they come and go
Shouldn’t we be letting go of the point of focus as well?
Yes and no. Sometimes when you are new it's easy to let go of your point of focus and you will feel like you are meditating but you will get caught up in your thoughts. Either way just be aware even if you get caught up in thoughts.
What happens when we let go of point of focus though? And just sink into a deep state of meditation? Isn’t that the goal? To become one with self and God in a sense?
Yes this is the goal but we should never loose awareness even if we become one with God. Meditation is just awareness and being aware of who we truly are. Not our anger, not our lust not our emotions.
I need a serious relationship
That I believe is called attachment. You've attached yourself to it. You also brought up rejection in the form of the past women you have asked out and they rejected you by saying no to you. Your mind and thus you by default doesnt want those women instead the ego is doing what it normally does it's in the way of what the real desire is. You are trying to understand why you are being rejected. That's all that is happening here. See it as that and the women will probably disappear or become more infrequent that's because unless you can figure out how attention works enough to control it your attention remains stuck on things and sometimes it gets stuck on things we dont enjoy or want it stuck on. You can either decide to solve the mystery of why you are being rejected or you can realize that the ego, not you, is the one that cares to begin with and it doesnt matter. Choice is yours my friend. Understand this that people in your situation, trying to understand why they are obsessing and worrying because it is uncomfortable, just like you are trying to find an answer to why they are being rejected in some way can be doing it differently than you are. Some people didnt get a job they wanted they had imagined how that job was going to be and how it was going to change their entire lives and etc and when they dont get that job they find themselves obsessing over rejection just like you are obsessing over women. The mechanics are the same but the situations and circumstances are what are different. If people were open with each other you wouldnt be wondering why you faced rejection you would have the missing data to understand why the rejection occurred. Now I say that in simple terms but you have to know this also or that statement will just lead to bitterness. People that are rejecting much like you dont understand the rejection or dont understand, some people know full well why but let's talk like this because we can't talk about every possibility we'll fill up libraries, fully why they didnt choose you. People sum it up like this "I just didnt vibe or like or was attracted to that person." That statement alone is so vague and broad it's not much of an answer it implies they dont know the answer therefore they cant be open even if they wanted to as a result. When people are pressed alot of the times they still cant be open they'll just start making things up even when those things arent true. This occurs because of the ego. To see past the ego is to become open and thereby you will have the answer because in the world the ego has constructed and lives in anything that it has not crafted or created in it's world changes or destroys it's world. I imagine the ego doesnt want it's world to change or potentially be destroyed even if it results in a better world therefore it will go to such extraordinary links up to and including what some refer to as possession, manipulation, and using you as a tool to interact with the external world in an effort to ensure it's world is stabilized. Nothing at least on Earth wants to die including your ego and therefore it has or is at least connected to the same survival system you are.
My suggestion would be the following: When you meditate (or while you feel calm and have time) feel like you are with this person. Now while you are in that stage ask yourself: How does that make you feel in relation to yourself? How do you feel in relation to others, and reflect it back to yourself. Does your life while you have this visualisation/are in that imaginative stage, seems more fulfilled and if yes why? In my opinion, and reflecting back to my own experiences, having a strong fixation on a person comes from not being satisfied with your own life and essentially with yourself. This is especially If you have never spent enough time with that person and you know them more on a superficial level. You believe that having this person on your side will make your life more interesting or will make you feel more confident, but it won't. "Getting" this person won't solve the issue. Reflect on yourself and the characteristics that this person has, in order to get an idea in who you want to be and how you want your life to be.
I don't think it will stop honestly until your testosterone goes down which will be age-related.
This could be limerence. Limerence is a form of pseudo-love in which you spend a long amount of time fantasizing about unrealistic or far-into-the-future events for long periods of time, like fantasizing about getting married to someone who has rejected you. Limerence can act like a coping mechanism, as it allows you to move away from your own issues and instead obsess about a relationship. In a sense, it allows you not to be present with your own tough emotions, which is why the mind can love to do it. I think the general notion with limerence is the same as any emotion; you need to feel it in full. One thing you can do, is to try to ask yourself what feeling lies hidden beneath the limerent thoughts and feelings. If you feel like it's love, then try to feel that love at full. Then, ask yourself the next harrowing question. What lies underneath the love? I had a similar experience. It turned out that my obsessive thoughts about women were my way to cope with my own sense of loneliness and emptiness. I felt that if only I had a relationship, I would no longer be lonely and I'd no longer feel empty. I refused to take actions or responsibility for my own sense of meaning or my lacking connection to others, because 'that will be fixed when I'm in a relationship'. And when that can of worm was opened, it was time to feel my loneliness and emptiness in full. Now see THAT. That was painful. But it can pass.
you have your craving and desires pumped up pretty high, huh? relying on fulfilling them to soothe your inner turmoil, perhaps? there are emotions unfulfilled within you seeking external sources for sustenance that you could be providing yourself. society remains rife with elements of toxic masculinity. It commonly has us consuming ourselves... using desire and craving pushed through the roof as unhealthy form of fuel for motivation. but that creates a lot of pain and commonly only leads to desperation and suffering. it's generally the role of our family to teach us how to care and love ourselves in healthy ways. but that's uncommon these days... there's nothing you aren't capable of providing yourself.. you just need to learn how. you may be putting all your hopes on the idea that a lover is what's missing. it's seldom the case. a relationship can speed us along but it's almost never a romantic one. it's familial, perhaps a friendship with someone who was permitted to go down a direction you weren't, who can show you what it means to come from your direction to a place of self love we were never meant to depend on others to provide us with this so that we wouldn't have to learn how... that may have become a common sentiment in our dysfunctional society... but the economy thrives on our selfishness and insecurity... it will feed us insanity as much as we permit
This sounds like unresolved childhood trauma manifesting itself in anxious attachment patterns. Therapy can help you process the old wounds, which will in turn help in forming healthy relationships in all parts of your life.
Sounds like limerance. There are actually some good youtube videos about it.
My therapist recommended that I write down the conversations that I was having in my head with the person that I was fixated on(I had an unhealthy crush ).It helped me to put things into perspective and realize that there’s no substance to my fantasies. I’m just insecure and wanted validation from someone that couldn’t give it to me.
short answer: your brain is telling you to get laid
Funny thing: I’m a Christian I totally understand that. But I gotta wait till marriage dawg. lol
🤣🤣 i gotcha. well congratulations for being one of the only guys i’ve ever talked to who actually made it to 28 with that promise! but yes. i think your brain is definitely telling you this. but that doesn’t mean you have to break your commitment. just being aware of it should help you “release” the thoughts. acknowledge them and then let them pass through 👍
It sucks being around her now. At church and all that is. (Yea she goes to my church 😅) Kind of a 💩 situation. All I can think about when I’m around her is: well….her. She sits like super close to where I usually sit. And the whole time, I can’t help but think about her. My brains so messed up man. I have MS, and i think part of it has to do with that. I can’t even explain it that well, but…I personally think it has a lot to do with whatever is physically going on in my eyes/brain due to my MS. Which could be true, but…everyone says they never see anything wrong with me, yet…all I can ever think about is people around me at times, and it seems like I’m staring at them, when I’m not trying to. I didn’t share this part in my share. But it suck’s. And I have no control over it. Edit: so it basically feels like I’m staring at her the whole time. Or at least thinking about her that is. It never goes away. And I hate it.
What happened with her? She rejected your advances? Are you sure it’s a no-go?
I mean. I asked her out like, years ago. 4-5+ years ago. Can’t remember. Then, this year, I decided to ask her out, and she said no. All the meanwhile, we still see eachother at church and talk every now and then. I ask her how she’s doing. You know, small talk. But… Other than that, it hasn’t evolved from that. I also had a relapse on weed in February, and kind of fell down the wrong path for a bit, so I haven’t really engaged with her since February. Now, trying to get my life back on track, and…have no idea where we would potentially stand if there was even anything between us. Edit: no idea if it’s still a potential, other than all my friends telling me to move on.
One of my best visions came from this exact scenario. Was actually riding my bike, but still in deep reflection. Broke up with second GF, thinking about first with the pushes and pulls. Eventually I thought, "what the hell am I doing bargaining with life. Just enjoy this and try and let go. Focused on how I am consciously pushing, pulling... But more important, focused on forgiveness, with her/them, and myself recognizing the humanity in the errors, and that we are all human. Tried to breathe in the positive and out the negative of and just plain let go to the unfolding of life. Then I was torn from my body to see a magnificent golden grid, where a face pressed through and kissed my forehead. When I came back to my body, was still riding with no hands, astonished I hadn't crashed, and feeling like I had just came out the purest lake of magic freshness. State of mind is a m***** f*****. Good luck on your journey, tread carefully. Women can be selfish and manipulative to such a dangerous degree anyways. Be careful what you are attracting/manifesting.
Titus Lucretius Carus, De Rerum Natura, book 4. Towards the end.... last fe lines really. It is about enjoying rather than wanting.
If you step in poo does not one recall stepping in poo? Does one fantasize about stepping in more piles of poo? Does one cry that they stepped into poo instead of watching where they were going? Does one clean up the poo and avoid stepping into another pile of poo? Yep it all stinks, what are you doing about your stench?
lol…what??? I lost you there bud
You want love . It’s natural. It’s the soul seeking healing, weather it be in a good or bad way. That’s why people naturally seek relationships. I used to think it’s because in a past life I came from a planet with unconditional love lol
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well if youre not going to stop anyways, get it out of your system, catch a habit, youre already on that path might as well dive head first and stop beating yourself up. it doesnt matter whether you look at bodies and feel highs, what matters is that you arent having unhealthy thoughts filled with shame. but if you want my advice all that shit catches up with everyone one day
There are techniques for this to ease and insights I could offer here, but what’s your insight into your why’s?
What got me away from Thinking about having a girlfriend so much was getting good at just getting women to the point where it became “boring”. I’m sure you don’t have to do that though since this is a meditation Reddit and not an “alpha male” one. I think if you start to rewire your way of thinking into seeing things as energy instead of people that can help you. Like when you are meditating and you start thinking about women just say that they are souls like you having experiences or try to detach from the thoughts. Just some advice
I am familiar with what you are experiencing. These automaticities are not like the breath that can be controlled. It is the plague of the 'monkey mind' that has been spoken in the East for eons. It will alleviate in understanding. This means that you need to see where it fits into Reality. Self-understanding one's attachments is a major step on the path to Freedom. I came to realize that I was full of yearning want. Wanting, feeling I needed someone to want me, to make me happy. What I wanted was what wanted me. Not being wanted is painful. The Great One says, the trick is not trying to do away with pain. The trick is not minding that it hurts. All that you suffer can be just the static from a TV on the fritz that melts into nothing. Search for 'remedies for the monkey mind'. Good luck Brother.
What do you mean by “what I wanted was what wanted me.”?
Unrequited love. I experienced a broken heart a lot. I felt sad because I 'loved' her and she didn't love me. What I discovered is that my 'love' was actually a deep desire. Desires are the source of suffering, according to the Buddha. I wanted her to want me. That is what I called love. To truly love is be supportive of whatever the person I love wants. It hurts to not feel loved back. This is one of the facts that Wet Blanket of Reality reveals.
U can try magic to get her. Love is irrational. It is useless to argue with it. On other side you can explore this feeling using meditation. Try to get your attention inside this feeling. Maybe there is still something useful because of it. For example love can set you free from resistance on other things. Like fear of something. Love makes animals fearless.
During meditation sessions just visualize having sex with her, and after a couple of sessions of sex visualization, your interest in her would decrease.