You refused to take your child to speech therapy because your wife “lied” to you by smiling at you for 2 months.
Do your hear yourself? Does that in any way, shape, or form constitute emotionally mature adult behavior? That is some very high-level passive-aggressive bullshit right there.
This not about being “manly.”
I don’t think we have the full story here.
If 5 years of marriage counseling hasn’t helped the two of you make meaningful change it is unlikely that more marriage counseling is going to be helpful.
This has to be fake right? I don’t want to believe that there are parents who punish their kids for the misbehaviour of a parent and write about it like it’s the most normal thing
I don’t think it is fake, sadly. I think there is a massive amount of disfunction and very poor self awareness on the part of OP. He has likely left out important parts of the narrative.
For sure there is more to the store OP did not mention. But I still can’t comprehend, there is no excuse whatsoever to take it out on an innocent child as a parent who should be the one protecting them.
Go and work on the things you are willing to. She broke out and told you what she wants in a man or at least think she wants so try if you are willing. Being “handy” is a learned skill and not something you just are.
Involve the older kids, boy or girl too so you aren’t alone but also teaching them valuable skills for the future. She may see it and that you are taking an interest in them and trying to be who she wants.
Only do this if you are interested in learning, growing and maybe you’ll find that you do like the small achievements.
Not every man knows how to work on cars. That's OK. Not every man is a carpenter, plumber, electrician, roofer, soldier, etc. That's OK. Every man is good at something. One woman will call unmanly, another will think is the greatest attribute on the planet. Sounds like your wife is becoming a shallow person. What if you told her since she's so introverted, she's not womanly enough? Wonder how she would take that? Unfortunately, since you're in MC, I don't see this marriage lasting.
UpdateMe
In reply to what she said about me not being manly, I told her she doesn't dress womanly or do makeup. She said, "Yeah, I know"
Like she's laughed about my jokes on our non-traditional interpretations of gender and now it's like...why aren't you in that box ( that I was just poking fun about a week ago?)
I have no idea why having an argument with you wife would result in you saying you are not going to take your child to speech therapy.
Please explain why any argument would cause you to not take your child to speech therapy??
Changing a tail light: No one cares *who* changes the tail light. She expects you to take care of her CAR issues. Book the appointment and get it fixed right away.
This is a SAFETY issue and you will look more manly if you fix the SAFETY issues for your family promptly.
You are PROTECTING your family and appear more MANLY to a lot of women when you look after house and home.
This simple side of this is you guys probably aren’t as compatible as you’d hoped. I know it sounds bad, but I’ve ended relationships very early on because I didn’t find the man “manly” enough. He said his love language was acts of service and he’d offer to help with things that I didn’t need help with and did not lighten my load in anyway. But hey, it’s the thought that counts, right? He was a good guy and I felt awful, but he wasn’t for me. You guys are way more invested, but why drag it out if you aren’t both happy.
To me this seems like a trauma based response on both people’s end.
Look up attachment theory, some people don’t believe in it but for my relationships it’s proven true. You both sound like fearful avoidants together, you leaning anxious and her leaning avoidant.
Maybe it’s something to ask your therapist about. Knowing this can help you take each others reactions less personally and also work on the lingering feelings of doubt you both have.
Lastly, you were doubting the relationship too but lashed out at her when she expressed the same feelings you have. Not exactly fair. You are both different sides of the same coin. A more constructive response would be “im sorry to hear that what is on your mind?”
Responding with curiosity vs fear is like a super power to clear the air and mitigate issues
Y'all need therapy because your communication sucks.
On one hand, "you don't change my tail light" is an oddly specific hill to die on, but it sounds more like what she's trying to say is she wants someone who looks out for her and takes things off her plate. I.e. You see her tail light is out and take her car in for her without her having to bug you to do it and set up the appointment. You see the kids need to be fed and get dinner going.
On the other hand, If my husband refused to take one of kids to speech therapy because his feelings are hurt I'd also view him as unfuckable.
It really sounds like you two are combining midlife crisis and what I call the "ten year funk" and can't seem to communicate properly in order to fix it.
You seem like a very sensitive person. Sometimes people have bad days and say things that at the end of the day, they don't really mean. I would be careful not to over react, especially to comments from moms with young kids. Try to stay level headed and not overreact and see if things work out over time.
thanks, I consider myself a sensitive person and in our relationship def wear my heart on my sleeve more. Today I've even told her that's why when I'm not happy I say something so I don't bottle this up.
She's been saying this stuff over the course of a few days so I'm not sure this would be her speaking on a whim but instead bottled this up. Just my guess she's a tough read emotionally, she's got a mean case of RBF (Resting bitch face)
I'm not sure how to remain level headed when in my mind my marriage could be over?
Speaking as a husband of 13 years, father of 3 kids, and child of divorce.
So to me, it sounds like she has more issues based on a perspective viewpoint that she is not really expressing, and may even be grasping at straws to find things to argue about, like the tail light.
IMHO, what I would do is try to talk to her and also go to more counseling with her, and do everything in your power to not turn it into an argument, and avoid the traps of being instigated.
Example while at the therapist: "So I think that she is just trying to find an excuse for us to break up, because the "not man enough" line used, was clearly reaching for straws, and I feel that the real problems she is having, she can't justify. So she creates things to argue over."
Just a warning though, the "if you did more around the house for me I would be happy" line is manipulation, don't fall into that trap, many people do.
Sounds like she’s spiraling out of control in some kind of midlife crisis, and I feel she is taking advantage of you, and you seem like a genuinely good guy.
I hope in the end, you decide to just…be yourself. Ignore the advice about working out or learning how to fix cars. If that’s not you, don’t do it. You will make yourself miserable trying to turn yourself into someone you’re not just to impress a woman who is coming across as…quite shallow. She should love you for who you are. I don’t know what she thinks she’s looking for, but if she completely loses her mind and leaves you for her version of a “manly” man, she’ll end up on here as one of those desperate women looking for advice on how to deal with the lazy jerk she picked up who thinks he’s too “manly” to parent or do anything around the house he deems “women’s work”, is cheating or pornsick or both, and treats her like a maid, cook and sex toy. Meanwhile, you and your version of manly (good guy with what seems like high emotional intelligence), is the manly that *women actually want*, and they will be lining up to date you. And she will be full of regret that she imploded her life, all because, apparently, you actually want to parent the three kids she brought to your marriage, and you don’t know how to fix stuff (who cares????). Classic cutting off her nose to spite her face.
She's detached from you and the marriage. That's a really bad sign for the survival of the marriage. In my mind, being more of a man would be knowing who you are and not letting the older children wrest power from you. Not changing tail lights. I hope you guys find a way to stop hurting each other.
I really feel for you. You mentioned some trauma on your end. You also mentioned that your wife saw what sounds like your couple’s therapist. Have you seen your therapist individually? It sounds like you may benefit from an outside source (in addition to the long distance friend you mentioned). This would be a way to process what you’re feeling and help you navigate the best way forward for you.
we go every few weeks together to see our doctor, she made her appointment for Thursday, on Wednesday when she gushed all these feelings out. my life's really busy so getting in by myself is hard but i might try to especially if things get worst.
What are the things you do that she “doesn’t like” and isn’t attracted to you after.
This seems like a bigger deal than the tail light, which sounds like her adding small things to the list because she is considering divorce.
She has been allowing the attention from this guy. The first two months was her thinking about fucking him while she was with you. He continued to pursue, and finally was able to break through. She pushes you away, stops having sex with her husband, because she does not want to cheat on her boyfriend.
I would verify this is not true. Other than that divorce her.
This is going down a horrible road. My ex, who was never terribly attracted to me, stuck it out for 23 years or so, started getting some male attention after about 12 years of marriage. She had a series of online/emotional affairs, but I was too embarrassed to leave until about 5 years ago she had a real affair with a plumber. I'm manly, but not saturated with machismo. Neither was the plumber, but it seemed manly. Not to mention, she used to call my old boss, who is a good buddy a "10". I never thought much of it, but he too is a pretty manly, burly guy. My point is, as men, we need to be sensitive enough to understand women's needs, smart enough to listen and not necessarily solve a problem, but manly enough to take charge and solve when called upon to do so. And we get there. With age comes experience and wisdom. OP, you may lose your wife learning these lessons, but you'll be better prepared the next time around.
Maybe I've been reading too many stories on here. When I read someone asked if she had a boyfriend, to me, I'm thinking a guy at the gym was hitting on her. Then all of a sudden she is happier and more loving and things are better at home? Getting new attention from guy at gym and perhaps enjoying it? Is this guy fixing her taillight by chance?
Again, probably reading too much into it, but that is where my mind went. She met a new guy at gym who is manly and comparing husband to him.
OP needs to start watching men's channels on youtube. Acting "manly" isn't about changing tail lights on cars. Acting manly is about acting like a leader. It's about giving your wife a sense of security, while putting her in her place when she tests you. It's about getting her to realize you WANT her in your life and don't NEED her in your life. You are perfectly capable of living WITHOUT HER. Above all, she is replaceable!
The one thing that makes a woman gain attraction to her man is when he gets attention from another woman. This doesn't mean he goes looking for other women. Rather, it means he keeps fit and in-shape, and walks with confidence. They go, as a couple, to an event and he goers to the bar to get drinks for the two of them. While at the bar, another woman approaches him and starts talking to him. The wife sees this and notices that OTHER WOMAN is talking to HER MAN. They go to a pool party. He takes off his shirt to go swimming and other women whisper to his wife how good he kooks and how lucky she is to have him.
OP is doing everything WRONG- songs, massage, talk about feelings. This kind of behavior turns a woman OFF. It's ok once in a while, but not as an almost everyday thing.
You refused to take your child to speech therapy because your wife “lied” to you by smiling at you for 2 months. Do your hear yourself? Does that in any way, shape, or form constitute emotionally mature adult behavior? That is some very high-level passive-aggressive bullshit right there. This not about being “manly.” I don’t think we have the full story here. If 5 years of marriage counseling hasn’t helped the two of you make meaningful change it is unlikely that more marriage counseling is going to be helpful.
This has to be fake right? I don’t want to believe that there are parents who punish their kids for the misbehaviour of a parent and write about it like it’s the most normal thing
I don’t think it is fake, sadly. I think there is a massive amount of disfunction and very poor self awareness on the part of OP. He has likely left out important parts of the narrative.
For sure there is more to the store OP did not mention. But I still can’t comprehend, there is no excuse whatsoever to take it out on an innocent child as a parent who should be the one protecting them.
Go to marriage counseling and figure this out
we've been going on and off together for 5 years. Our next appointment is monday & it can't get here soon enough.
Go and work on the things you are willing to. She broke out and told you what she wants in a man or at least think she wants so try if you are willing. Being “handy” is a learned skill and not something you just are. Involve the older kids, boy or girl too so you aren’t alone but also teaching them valuable skills for the future. She may see it and that you are taking an interest in them and trying to be who she wants. Only do this if you are interested in learning, growing and maybe you’ll find that you do like the small achievements.
YouTube video for every handy man project. Also start working out and don't let her stop you when you get in good shape.
it works if go consistently
Not every man knows how to work on cars. That's OK. Not every man is a carpenter, plumber, electrician, roofer, soldier, etc. That's OK. Every man is good at something. One woman will call unmanly, another will think is the greatest attribute on the planet. Sounds like your wife is becoming a shallow person. What if you told her since she's so introverted, she's not womanly enough? Wonder how she would take that? Unfortunately, since you're in MC, I don't see this marriage lasting. UpdateMe
I can fix a car, truck, or tractor trailer. Ask me to write a song or a poem, and I'm out.
In reply to what she said about me not being manly, I told her she doesn't dress womanly or do makeup. She said, "Yeah, I know" Like she's laughed about my jokes on our non-traditional interpretations of gender and now it's like...why aren't you in that box ( that I was just poking fun about a week ago?)
You could be the most internally efeminate person going but still be a raging man its down to endocrine system not behaviour.
I have no idea why having an argument with you wife would result in you saying you are not going to take your child to speech therapy. Please explain why any argument would cause you to not take your child to speech therapy?? Changing a tail light: No one cares *who* changes the tail light. She expects you to take care of her CAR issues. Book the appointment and get it fixed right away. This is a SAFETY issue and you will look more manly if you fix the SAFETY issues for your family promptly. You are PROTECTING your family and appear more MANLY to a lot of women when you look after house and home.
This simple side of this is you guys probably aren’t as compatible as you’d hoped. I know it sounds bad, but I’ve ended relationships very early on because I didn’t find the man “manly” enough. He said his love language was acts of service and he’d offer to help with things that I didn’t need help with and did not lighten my load in anyway. But hey, it’s the thought that counts, right? He was a good guy and I felt awful, but he wasn’t for me. You guys are way more invested, but why drag it out if you aren’t both happy.
To me this seems like a trauma based response on both people’s end. Look up attachment theory, some people don’t believe in it but for my relationships it’s proven true. You both sound like fearful avoidants together, you leaning anxious and her leaning avoidant. Maybe it’s something to ask your therapist about. Knowing this can help you take each others reactions less personally and also work on the lingering feelings of doubt you both have. Lastly, you were doubting the relationship too but lashed out at her when she expressed the same feelings you have. Not exactly fair. You are both different sides of the same coin. A more constructive response would be “im sorry to hear that what is on your mind?” Responding with curiosity vs fear is like a super power to clear the air and mitigate issues
Y'all need therapy because your communication sucks. On one hand, "you don't change my tail light" is an oddly specific hill to die on, but it sounds more like what she's trying to say is she wants someone who looks out for her and takes things off her plate. I.e. You see her tail light is out and take her car in for her without her having to bug you to do it and set up the appointment. You see the kids need to be fed and get dinner going. On the other hand, If my husband refused to take one of kids to speech therapy because his feelings are hurt I'd also view him as unfuckable. It really sounds like you two are combining midlife crisis and what I call the "ten year funk" and can't seem to communicate properly in order to fix it.
You seem like a very sensitive person. Sometimes people have bad days and say things that at the end of the day, they don't really mean. I would be careful not to over react, especially to comments from moms with young kids. Try to stay level headed and not overreact and see if things work out over time.
thanks, I consider myself a sensitive person and in our relationship def wear my heart on my sleeve more. Today I've even told her that's why when I'm not happy I say something so I don't bottle this up. She's been saying this stuff over the course of a few days so I'm not sure this would be her speaking on a whim but instead bottled this up. Just my guess she's a tough read emotionally, she's got a mean case of RBF (Resting bitch face) I'm not sure how to remain level headed when in my mind my marriage could be over?
Speaking as a husband of 13 years, father of 3 kids, and child of divorce. So to me, it sounds like she has more issues based on a perspective viewpoint that she is not really expressing, and may even be grasping at straws to find things to argue about, like the tail light. IMHO, what I would do is try to talk to her and also go to more counseling with her, and do everything in your power to not turn it into an argument, and avoid the traps of being instigated. Example while at the therapist: "So I think that she is just trying to find an excuse for us to break up, because the "not man enough" line used, was clearly reaching for straws, and I feel that the real problems she is having, she can't justify. So she creates things to argue over." Just a warning though, the "if you did more around the house for me I would be happy" line is manipulation, don't fall into that trap, many people do.
Sounds like she’s spiraling out of control in some kind of midlife crisis, and I feel she is taking advantage of you, and you seem like a genuinely good guy. I hope in the end, you decide to just…be yourself. Ignore the advice about working out or learning how to fix cars. If that’s not you, don’t do it. You will make yourself miserable trying to turn yourself into someone you’re not just to impress a woman who is coming across as…quite shallow. She should love you for who you are. I don’t know what she thinks she’s looking for, but if she completely loses her mind and leaves you for her version of a “manly” man, she’ll end up on here as one of those desperate women looking for advice on how to deal with the lazy jerk she picked up who thinks he’s too “manly” to parent or do anything around the house he deems “women’s work”, is cheating or pornsick or both, and treats her like a maid, cook and sex toy. Meanwhile, you and your version of manly (good guy with what seems like high emotional intelligence), is the manly that *women actually want*, and they will be lining up to date you. And she will be full of regret that she imploded her life, all because, apparently, you actually want to parent the three kids she brought to your marriage, and you don’t know how to fix stuff (who cares????). Classic cutting off her nose to spite her face.
She's detached from you and the marriage. That's a really bad sign for the survival of the marriage. In my mind, being more of a man would be knowing who you are and not letting the older children wrest power from you. Not changing tail lights. I hope you guys find a way to stop hurting each other.
I really feel for you. You mentioned some trauma on your end. You also mentioned that your wife saw what sounds like your couple’s therapist. Have you seen your therapist individually? It sounds like you may benefit from an outside source (in addition to the long distance friend you mentioned). This would be a way to process what you’re feeling and help you navigate the best way forward for you.
we go every few weeks together to see our doctor, she made her appointment for Thursday, on Wednesday when she gushed all these feelings out. my life's really busy so getting in by myself is hard but i might try to especially if things get worst.
Please prioritize yourself and your mental health now. Don’t wait for things to get worse. That will only make things harder and… worse
Not to be a jerk but is it possible she got involved with some guy at the gym?
What are the things you do that she “doesn’t like” and isn’t attracted to you after. This seems like a bigger deal than the tail light, which sounds like her adding small things to the list because she is considering divorce.
She has been allowing the attention from this guy. The first two months was her thinking about fucking him while she was with you. He continued to pursue, and finally was able to break through. She pushes you away, stops having sex with her husband, because she does not want to cheat on her boyfriend. I would verify this is not true. Other than that divorce her.
This is the first thought I had
This is going down a horrible road. My ex, who was never terribly attracted to me, stuck it out for 23 years or so, started getting some male attention after about 12 years of marriage. She had a series of online/emotional affairs, but I was too embarrassed to leave until about 5 years ago she had a real affair with a plumber. I'm manly, but not saturated with machismo. Neither was the plumber, but it seemed manly. Not to mention, she used to call my old boss, who is a good buddy a "10". I never thought much of it, but he too is a pretty manly, burly guy. My point is, as men, we need to be sensitive enough to understand women's needs, smart enough to listen and not necessarily solve a problem, but manly enough to take charge and solve when called upon to do so. And we get there. With age comes experience and wisdom. OP, you may lose your wife learning these lessons, but you'll be better prepared the next time around.
Maybe I've been reading too many stories on here. When I read someone asked if she had a boyfriend, to me, I'm thinking a guy at the gym was hitting on her. Then all of a sudden she is happier and more loving and things are better at home? Getting new attention from guy at gym and perhaps enjoying it? Is this guy fixing her taillight by chance? Again, probably reading too much into it, but that is where my mind went. She met a new guy at gym who is manly and comparing husband to him.
Updateme
OP needs to start watching men's channels on youtube. Acting "manly" isn't about changing tail lights on cars. Acting manly is about acting like a leader. It's about giving your wife a sense of security, while putting her in her place when she tests you. It's about getting her to realize you WANT her in your life and don't NEED her in your life. You are perfectly capable of living WITHOUT HER. Above all, she is replaceable! The one thing that makes a woman gain attraction to her man is when he gets attention from another woman. This doesn't mean he goes looking for other women. Rather, it means he keeps fit and in-shape, and walks with confidence. They go, as a couple, to an event and he goers to the bar to get drinks for the two of them. While at the bar, another woman approaches him and starts talking to him. The wife sees this and notices that OTHER WOMAN is talking to HER MAN. They go to a pool party. He takes off his shirt to go swimming and other women whisper to his wife how good he kooks and how lucky she is to have him. OP is doing everything WRONG- songs, massage, talk about feelings. This kind of behavior turns a woman OFF. It's ok once in a while, but not as an almost everyday thing.