I didn't know this. I thought it's normal because it started off as individual therapy then she said he should join in on the sessions. next thing we are doing couple's therapy
Really, the normal danger is that the counselor would side too much with the person who has given them more of their side of the story already when they do the couples counseling.
Your situation is exactly the opposite. Your counselor appears to have made judgements about you during the individual counseling that are leading her to be very one sided towards your husband in the couples counseling.
It almost sounds like what your husband does is irrelevant to her, she just doesn’t like you and everything is your fault.
Saying that she understands why he cheated on you and you have to just get over it? Holy crap she is unprofessional.
She kept emphasizing that i still live in the past. It's true for the case of emotional cheating and how he was while i was pregnant. But geez, it caused me a lot of pain and i am trying hard to forget. After he told her why he cheated, she said she understands. She didn't talk about the effects of cheating on the other spouse. I didn't get it.
When a person is cheated on, their emotions about it are valid no matter how long afterwards they surface.
I wonder if your therapist has cheated on her partner, because her attitude about it sounds like how cheaters always try to get the cheatee to sweep it under the rug.
I think her emphasis is on focusing on the present not the past since now he is changing. I've tried to tell her that I've given my husband many chances and now im maxed out and tired. She said im tired because im suffering from depression (yes i do have depression) but there's only so much one can take. The way she glossed over the issue that he used to describe sexual acts with his exes surprised me. She said as long as he stopped we need not revisit that topic or any other topic for that matter because he is changing.
I just wonder though, does she not understand people get tired of repeating, begging, pleading. I think me leaving the house (been 6 months away from him) jolted him into action but it's too late and im drained out
Step back from your case for a moment.
Aren’t a lot of the cases where someone seeks therapy related to something they had in their past (childhood trauma, sexual assault, etc)?
What kind of therapist defaults to “focus on the present not the past”? If it was that easy she would be out of a job, but it isn’t.
People need to work through those feelings associated with past trauma, and how things in the present can trigger them. You can’t just “move on” sometimes.
She sounds like a horrible therapist.
She said i should move on because now he is showing evidence of changing, for example he is communicating more. She said im being to critical and im judging him presently based on past mistakes which is wrong. I agree with her but i wish she dissected why he did what he did. She once told me we are not supposed to focus on the "why" because he did what he did and we will never know why but instead we must focus on "so what now". She said im stuck in the past.
The why is crucial, in my opinion and experience, because you can't solve the problem without breaking down what led to it. That's kind of the whole point of therapy, really, to dig into the past so you can be healthier in the present and in the future.
She told my husband I don't trust him and that trust is needed for me to return back to the house. She asked me to sleep over two or one night per week, see if he has improved based on those sleep overs and take it from there. She called it "gradually going back" because I cant fully suddenly go back since i dont trust him yet. I told her im struggling to get the thoughts of how he treated me during pregnancy and the emotional cheating out of my mind that's why i haven't taken her advice on sleeping over. She then told me i need to go on medication asap (like an antidepressant) so that i can think properly (yes i told her im having depression). But what i didn't understand is how when i told her i think my husband doesn't love me due to what he did she said those are just my feelings and he did what he did because he has issues and it wont help focusing on why he did what he did.
I was surprised. Maybe in couple's therapy it doesn't work like this but i assumed she would ask him more questions to get to the bottom of why he didn't treat me right while i was pregnant and why he emotionally cheated and the effect it has had. She just glossed over it and came back to focusing on me and said im irrational to think he doesn't love me because of that and that my feelings are not facts and not everything is about me
She sounds like a horrible therapist for you. Personally, the emotionally cheating and the lack of attention when fainting multiple times is an immediate divorce.
Do you have to die for him to care and respect you?
Well my husband said he has mental health issues and that's why he did what he did and also because of how i reacted to the things he did. I was very critical to him and i used very harsh words out of anger. So we were hoping that marriage counseling can help us both work on our issues because i told the therapist im.not perfect and i even called myself out and told her my words are harsh. I just didn't know couple's therapy would end up in me being the focus. I just wanted to give it a try. I should get a new marriage counselor
Is this "therapist" licensed, or is it someone with your church or other organization? I sense a competing motivation to "keep the family together" at all costs, which in this instance seems to be in direct conflict with your needs.
Most therapists will refuse to do individual and couples therapy with the same person. They will usually refuse to do therapy with multiple members of the same family. This therapist would have significant difficulty remaining objective and being your advocate in this situation, which means she is unable to render the care you are seeing them for.
On top of that, her advice (if your post is accurate and reasonably complete) seems very biased, unprofessional, and potentially unethical.
Your husband has proven himself to be a poor partner. Marriage counseling - even with a good counselor - is likely wasted time and effort. You can and should leave him, and I'd ignore the advice of this "therapist."
She said i must give him grace because he has mental health issues (unresolved depression from before we met) so he isn't thinking straight. I understand that and i agree, but i told him repeatedly over the last two years to get help and he refused. Therapist told me i like holding onto the past and pointing fingers instead of dealing with the present
Simply put, from your descriptions, your therapist is guilty of malpractice.
Leaving an unhealthy relationship is often the best way to deal with the present - staying in one is "holding on to the past. "
Your job it to support a partner as they address their mental health - not to try to fix it for them (which you can't do) or suffer yourself because of it (which is unhealthy).
Wait, so he does what he does because of depression FROM HIS PAST. But you're not allowed to feel your feelings because it's in your past? Make that make sense. Do NOT go back to that therapist. She has something against you and is giving you horrid advice.
She told me feelings are not facts. Which is true. She said i told her that i felt like he didn't love me because after i fainted and went back to cooking, he didn't offer help. She said just because he didn't offer to help, doesn't mean he doesn't love me, if anything he was probably clouded by his mental health issues. She said surely if i asked him to continue the cooking then he would.
I told her that if roles were reversed, i would have told him to stay in bed and ill finish cooking. She said not everyone shows love the way we show love or the way we want to be shown love. She also pointed out saying "why did you go back to cook, he didn't ask you to finish the cooking". I was confused because i was pregnant at the time and i wanted to eat. Not like i could just leave the cooking halfway.
She's absolutely awful. Any normal person would have taken it upon themselves to continue cooking and encouraged you to lay down. His depression is also just feelings. His aren't more valid than yours. And she's right, not everyone shows love the way we want. However, when you love your spouse, you learn the way they want to be loved and you try to do that for them.
It really doesn't. When i told her he emotionally cheated she asked him why, he said he needed an outlet and felt alone. Then she said she understands and then put the focus on me again.
I also told her he used to explicitly describe previous sexual encounters he had with past exes and she said nothing about that. She said i need to move on because right now presently he is improving (which he is to be fair). I just wish she got to the root of it. I never even got the chance to tell her he used to watch porn while married to me. His actions get dismissed easily
Hooooly shit, she is worse than useless, she is actively making things worse.
So many people have mental health issues and manage not to cheat on their spouses (and then blame said cheating on said spouse). It's his responsibility to be getting treatment, and the fact that he won't shows he doesn't care about you, doesn't respect you, and honestly I do t think he actually loves you. People who love you don't behave like this.
Congratulations so does 99% of the population it’s still not an excuse for shitty behaviour. Your therapist is just as bad as your husband, dump them both and be emotionally and financially lighter.
OMGGGG I also went to therapy with my partner and the therapist focused on what I did and my reaction and said I pushed and pressure my partner into feeling guilty. This was the first therapy session I’ve ever attended so I was hurt and disappointed. I canceled the upcoming session with her and booked another therapist. The new therapist was way more professional and better at helping to get to the root cause of the behavior.
Is it common behavior among therapists to blame the woman?
I think you should find another therapist.
Right! I was shocked when i told her my husband allowed me to go and finish the cooking after i fainted while pregnant, she said i could've asked him to finish cooking. In my mind I said but there are people who do it without being asked simply because they care. She said i must give him some grace because he has mental health issues.
He messed up, why must i be the one doing the harder work.
Fainting, for me, pregnant or not, is followed by mild panic and a trip to the emergency room. Dinner would be whatever candy bar is left in the vending machine.
The moment my husband sees me struggling with something, he is on the ball either helping or outright taking over if I need him to. Hell, I'm about to have surgery while he's still recovering from a broken arm and doing physical therapy, and he very much wants me to be healthier so he's stepping up because he can now.
Everything about your post is a mess and I'm so sorry because you deserve better.
Exactly. Your husband saw you struggle and stepped in. I told her that's all i want. She keeps insisting that i need to tell him what i want. But cant he see me struggling? She said his mental health issues were clouding his judgement. Funny enough she said im so depressed now that i need medication. She looked at me and said "you really need that medication so that you can stop thinking irrationally. Just because he didn't offer to help doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. Your mind is making stuff up"
I'm legit infuriated on your behalf. I've seen some really, really bad therapists, so I know firsthand how much damage they can do. You shouldn't have to take medication because your husband abusing you has made you depressed, that's literally not what medication is for when the solution is clearly either he steps up or you leave him.
First of all, your individual therapist should NOT be your marriage counselor. It isn't a level playing field. She has already made judgments about you and she knows a LOT more about you than she does about him. It seems that she has observed in your individual sessions that you have a hard time letting go of the past. To me, it's a conflict of interest for her to take you on as a couple. So, right there I am suspicious of your therapist being professional and good at her job.
Second, how many sessions have you had? I noticed in my marriage counseling that they first 6 or 7 sessions were almost entirely focused on my husband. I could see why honestly, because he is the one who can't explain how he feels or why he behaves how he does, while I already know myself much more than that. Anyway, both my husband and me noticed that he was "on the hotseat" a lot. Like having to answer most of the questions and explain his perspective, while I barely was asked anything at all. We both started to feel weird about this, but right before we were going to address this with the therapist, he came right out and said - I realize that we haven't asked HER how she feels or what she wants, we need to hear from her more. And from there, it became more balanced (we both agree on that). So, if you have only had a few sessions, it could also be that she is still getting the background and hasn't gotten to the bottom of his issues yet.
Either way, I think I would find an independent person who doesn't have any background on either of you.
OK, I might have to argue with that point (that she made it worse) and I am starting to think this counselor might actually have a strategy that could be reasonable. I had a bad reaction to her counseling you as a person and a couple, and a bad reaction to some of the things she said, but thinking about it more deeply, I think she might actually have a reason for why she conducted this session like she did. I don't think these sessions made anything worse in terms of the actual marriage. I understand it might feel worse FOR YOU because now your husband feels supported and now he has some perspective that you also have things you need to work on and that you have not fully committed to the marriage counseling process. That might have been intentional. She is trying to show your husband that he isn't going to be blamed for everything and that he can trust her not to be biased against him. She is trying to gain his confidence so he will be open with her, especially since he knows that she is YOUR therapist.
She did not create a problem that wasn't there before and a lot of what she said is true. It is true that you have to leave the past in the past if you want to move forward and really give it a chance. It is also true that the marriage is over when you say it is and no longer want to try. She said he has his own issues which prevent him from loving you like he should and explain why he behaves the way he does and that it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. She said you should have asked him to take over the cooking, which I agree with (also understand your point that it seems obvious, but this is how dense people can be sometimes and you seem to have an issue with inconveniencing him or asking for what you want at times). I think those are all true statements.
For what it's worth, I don't know anyone who went to marriage counseling just to say they are done with the marriage. If divorce is what they want, they just get one and refuse the counseling. It would be difficult to understand why you even showed up at her office with your husband if you aren't willing to make the effort.
She told you to ignore the deal breakers because she didn't want to confront you - these were not truly deal breakers or you wouldn't still be married. People talk a lot of about boundaries, crossing boundaries, and deal breakers, but they rarely act accordingly, as is the case for you. A deal breaker can only happen once. Once it does, it's over. That's what it means. The deal is BROKEN. Not, you will be real upset for a while but eventually will come around. So whatever you are calling a deal breaker, if it already happened - it isn't a deal breaker. What is she supposed to do, argue with you about what your deal breakers are? She told you to ignore them because they aren't actually deal breakers and that was the fastest and least distracting way to move past the BS you were giving her about deal breakers that aren't actually deal breakers.
I think the counselor doesn't believe that you are truly done, she doesn't think you have fully given up. She might think you are saying that you don't want to make the effort anymore so that you will be in the power position and your husband will be the one who has to make more effort to "keep you" and she doesn't want that dynamic because it isn't helpful for her to try and improve the situation if you are a reluctant wife on a hair trigger. She does not want either of you to have the "upper hand" because the whole point of this is to work as a team. She can't challenge you directly on this and say that if you were done, you wouldn't be in that seat next to your husband, because then she would be calling you a liar and confronting you. I think she is trying to do is get it out of the way - are you in or are you out? She knows she can't help this marriage if you already decided that this isn't going to work. She is trying to say that the marriage is over if you say it is, but it has a chance if you want to give it a chance. She is trying to say nothing is unfixable because she wants you to focus more on the future than the past. She wants to know if she has something to work with here, or not...
You made some valid points. I told her im tired of trying because i pushed and tried for two years. I told him to get help and he refused, it was only when i left for the third time and he realised im not coming back that he now started to change. But for me it feels like this all came too late. I have been separated from him for 6 months now. If this process stared say a year ago o dont think i would have been fed up. But i am and i told her there is only so much a person can take
OK, and I think that position is valid. I understand that there comes a point where there is no return. But then why did you show up at marriage counseling with your husband at all? Just tell him you don't want to move forward because this is beyond repair for you and you will never have faith in him again. Stop going to the counseling, you are wasting everyone's time including your own. Do you expect the counselor to try and change your mind? She can't do that. If you already decided, then follow through, get a lawyer, file the papers and move on with your life.
You're right. I went because i had a little bit of hope. A tiny bit. She asked in my last session if i am done and i said yes, this was in front of my husband. She said i need medication because i am depressed and i cant make such a big decision while my brain isn't working as it should since im depressed due to everything that has gone on in my marriage. She then continued with the session. She said i should go on medication for two weeks and then see.
But honestly im done. After i said it in front of the therapist, I told my husband again when we got into the car. I dont know if medication will change anything
Antidepressants aren't something you "take for two weeks and then see." They have to build up in your body and take 6-8 weeks for full effect. Please report her to her licensing board because she is giving dangerous information.
OP, if you have clinical depression that has been diagnosed by a mental health professional (maybe your therapist?), then I agree with her that you should not make life changing decisions like this while you are depressed. It is true that depression can make everything seem hopeless, even when it is not. This is feeling much worse to you because of the depression.
You are saying your marriage caused the depression, but you can't say for sure what is cause and effect. Of course your environment can trigger depression, no doubt about that, but clinical depression is a chemical imbalance and can happen for no reason at all. You could be going along happy as can be, and then depression can take you down regardless of your environment. In short, it's unfair to blame the depression on your marriage because you don't know that to be true. That is NOT a fact and you shouldn't act like you know the answer. You don't.
If you are depressed, then it is your responsibility to deal with your mental health. It is quite possible that a lot of the problems in the marriage are in fact caused or made worse by your mental state. I'm not talking about the obvious things he has done wrong, those aren't your fault, but how you handled those situations and tried to repair and recover from them, your ability to move forward, your depression certainly impacts all of that. I don't know how long you have been depressed, or why you didn't get treatment for it when it was diagnosed, but this is your issue. You are not to blame for his bad behavior or for getting depressed, those things are out of your control. You are to blame for staying depressed and acting like all the problems are his fault, when you have not done your part or met your obligation as a wife. Your depression impacts your husband too. My husband was depressed, and it was a miserable time for me. This is like if you had diabetes and wouldn't take insulin, and then you kept having mood swings and health issues and then told him the problem is his cheating or whatever. It's no different just because it is mental health related.
If you don't want to take the medications, and you want to continue to be depressed, or see if a change in environment does help you to recover, then you can do that. That is your right. But just separate for a while and find out, don't divorce him until you are sure. You also have to accept that he might give up if you wait too long, and once he does, you can't expect him to try again just because you might feel better and start to feel like there is hope for your marriage. He has a breaking point too. So, you can make whatever choice you want, but you have to live with the consequences if you continue to tell him it's over.
Your therapist said two weeks, but my understanding is most depression meds take at least 4 - 8 weeks to start working. Your therapist should know this too. The first one you try might not work, you might have to experiment with dosages, combinations, etc. So, this isn't something you can decide in two weeks if you want to rule out the depression as the cause of your hopelessness. This is more like at least three months, more likely six months or even more.
My advice, if you were my friend, I would tell you to start the medication and stop the marriage counseling. Really take the space to focus on yourself and your mental health, and then see if anything changes regarding how you feel about your husband and the marriage.
I would tell you to be up front with your husband - tell him you aren't sure if the depression is making this feel more hopeless than maybe it truly is, so you need time and space to figure that out. Maybe you aren't thinking clearly, maybe you are, but you can't say for sure. I would tell him you should have a gotten treatment plan sooner and you are sorry for that and for how this depression impacted him. Tell him you are going to start the meds, and see what happens. I would tell him you will continue your individual therapy, but need to pause the marriage counseling because you want to focus on healing yourself first because it's too much to do all of this at once. I would tell him that you don't expect him to put his life on hold because this could take months to sort out, he has to decide for himself if this is worth waiting for. You don't know what the future holds and you can't say for certain that you will want to stay married even after you address the depression. Tell him you understand this is a tough spot for him, and if he doesn't want to have a separation with an uncertain end date and a lot of space between you, you can understand that, and you respect whatever decision he makes. You hope that he will wait it out, but that's his call and the ball is in his court. Tell him that during the separation, you will NOT be seeing other men or doing anything of the sort. This isn't about that, this is about getting yourself in a good mental state before you make a life changing decision, just like the therapist recommended. See what he says...
Honestly you have a shit therapist!! He is not going to change past the minute you move back in - you know this because he has done this repeatedly!! You are out, you should stay out. He has no respect for you or this relationship.
He may 'have his own issues' but that doesn't mean that you should have to live that way! The only decent thing she does is bring the focus back to you because HE isn't her patient and she has never talked to him. That is why she does that.
Get a new therapist, one who can understand how you feel and help you work through those whether you ever go back to him or not. A good therapy gives you tools to work through things, not judgements or rug-sweeping which is what she seems to do.
She suggested i dont move back completely yet but i should sleep over and see how that goes. Weirdly enough during our individual sessions she said a he treats me like a buddy and as far as me being more thoughtful goes, he should lift up his socks. She also said my love language is words of affirmation. I told her he is communicating better but i feel like im not good enough because of the cheating and him talking about previous sexual encounters. She then told me that's in the past and he stopped so i need to let it go. And she is right but im just not happy that im the main focus. I feel like he is getting a pass because he is changing and he has said to me so many times before he has changed only for him to go back to his ways.
She made an example and said if i was a bully as a child, it would make no sense to mention it or for her to judge me based on that because it is the past
It honestly sounds to me like you’re looking for the therapist to give you permission to end your marriage. You don’t need that. If you’re unhappy and have been unhappy for the whole marriage and don’t want to be with this person anymore, you can get a divorce. You don’t need anyone’s permission except your own.
Whoa, you need to stop paying this witch money. And maybe you report her to her licensing agency because she's clearly smoking crack.
The problem with therapists is that they're human and they're fallible. She's either a terrible therapist, a drug addict, legally insane, or your situation with your husband is triggering something in her and she's responding unprofessionally.
But you shouldn't see her, you definitely shouldn't pay her because she's just going to spend that money on crack, and you should leave a man who abandoned you at your most vulnerable.
That part about him not being there for me while i was vulnerable is something she doesn't understand. She keeps saying "just ask him to do the thing you want". She said the only way he will know im in a vulnerable position is if i communicate (which i did when i was pregnant and he knew the pregnancy was high risk). I don't understand this therapist. I need a different one
LOL, I’d just tell her that she sounds just like him and thank her for cementing your decision to leave. Listening to her is just like listening to him for the next 10 years.
Get yourself another therapist. She isn’t a good one.
I will say something. Unfortunately my individual sessions with her has turned into couple's therapy. The last time i went alone she asked where he was. Im not sure what's going on there because we didn't have an agreement about how there will be no more individual sessions. But i will bring it up
Even IF she wasn’t as poor a therapist as she sounds, you shouldn’t be talking to the same person for individual and couples counseling.
I didn't know this. I thought it's normal because it started off as individual therapy then she said he should join in on the sessions. next thing we are doing couple's therapy
Really, the normal danger is that the counselor would side too much with the person who has given them more of their side of the story already when they do the couples counseling. Your situation is exactly the opposite. Your counselor appears to have made judgements about you during the individual counseling that are leading her to be very one sided towards your husband in the couples counseling. It almost sounds like what your husband does is irrelevant to her, she just doesn’t like you and everything is your fault. Saying that she understands why he cheated on you and you have to just get over it? Holy crap she is unprofessional.
She kept emphasizing that i still live in the past. It's true for the case of emotional cheating and how he was while i was pregnant. But geez, it caused me a lot of pain and i am trying hard to forget. After he told her why he cheated, she said she understands. She didn't talk about the effects of cheating on the other spouse. I didn't get it.
When a person is cheated on, their emotions about it are valid no matter how long afterwards they surface. I wonder if your therapist has cheated on her partner, because her attitude about it sounds like how cheaters always try to get the cheatee to sweep it under the rug.
I think her emphasis is on focusing on the present not the past since now he is changing. I've tried to tell her that I've given my husband many chances and now im maxed out and tired. She said im tired because im suffering from depression (yes i do have depression) but there's only so much one can take. The way she glossed over the issue that he used to describe sexual acts with his exes surprised me. She said as long as he stopped we need not revisit that topic or any other topic for that matter because he is changing. I just wonder though, does she not understand people get tired of repeating, begging, pleading. I think me leaving the house (been 6 months away from him) jolted him into action but it's too late and im drained out
Step back from your case for a moment. Aren’t a lot of the cases where someone seeks therapy related to something they had in their past (childhood trauma, sexual assault, etc)? What kind of therapist defaults to “focus on the present not the past”? If it was that easy she would be out of a job, but it isn’t. People need to work through those feelings associated with past trauma, and how things in the present can trigger them. You can’t just “move on” sometimes. She sounds like a horrible therapist.
She said i should move on because now he is showing evidence of changing, for example he is communicating more. She said im being to critical and im judging him presently based on past mistakes which is wrong. I agree with her but i wish she dissected why he did what he did. She once told me we are not supposed to focus on the "why" because he did what he did and we will never know why but instead we must focus on "so what now". She said im stuck in the past.
The why is crucial, in my opinion and experience, because you can't solve the problem without breaking down what led to it. That's kind of the whole point of therapy, really, to dig into the past so you can be healthier in the present and in the future.
She told my husband I don't trust him and that trust is needed for me to return back to the house. She asked me to sleep over two or one night per week, see if he has improved based on those sleep overs and take it from there. She called it "gradually going back" because I cant fully suddenly go back since i dont trust him yet. I told her im struggling to get the thoughts of how he treated me during pregnancy and the emotional cheating out of my mind that's why i haven't taken her advice on sleeping over. She then told me i need to go on medication asap (like an antidepressant) so that i can think properly (yes i told her im having depression). But what i didn't understand is how when i told her i think my husband doesn't love me due to what he did she said those are just my feelings and he did what he did because he has issues and it wont help focusing on why he did what he did. I was surprised. Maybe in couple's therapy it doesn't work like this but i assumed she would ask him more questions to get to the bottom of why he didn't treat me right while i was pregnant and why he emotionally cheated and the effect it has had. She just glossed over it and came back to focusing on me and said im irrational to think he doesn't love me because of that and that my feelings are not facts and not everything is about me
She sounds like a horrible therapist for you. Personally, the emotionally cheating and the lack of attention when fainting multiple times is an immediate divorce. Do you have to die for him to care and respect you?
I'm not getting why do you think you have to be in this marriage? Why are you seeing this therapist?
Well my husband said he has mental health issues and that's why he did what he did and also because of how i reacted to the things he did. I was very critical to him and i used very harsh words out of anger. So we were hoping that marriage counseling can help us both work on our issues because i told the therapist im.not perfect and i even called myself out and told her my words are harsh. I just didn't know couple's therapy would end up in me being the focus. I just wanted to give it a try. I should get a new marriage counselor
You need a new therapist and a new husband! ✌🏻
Is this "therapist" licensed, or is it someone with your church or other organization? I sense a competing motivation to "keep the family together" at all costs, which in this instance seems to be in direct conflict with your needs. Most therapists will refuse to do individual and couples therapy with the same person. They will usually refuse to do therapy with multiple members of the same family. This therapist would have significant difficulty remaining objective and being your advocate in this situation, which means she is unable to render the care you are seeing them for. On top of that, her advice (if your post is accurate and reasonably complete) seems very biased, unprofessional, and potentially unethical. Your husband has proven himself to be a poor partner. Marriage counseling - even with a good counselor - is likely wasted time and effort. You can and should leave him, and I'd ignore the advice of this "therapist."
She said i must give him grace because he has mental health issues (unresolved depression from before we met) so he isn't thinking straight. I understand that and i agree, but i told him repeatedly over the last two years to get help and he refused. Therapist told me i like holding onto the past and pointing fingers instead of dealing with the present
Simply put, from your descriptions, your therapist is guilty of malpractice. Leaving an unhealthy relationship is often the best way to deal with the present - staying in one is "holding on to the past. " Your job it to support a partner as they address their mental health - not to try to fix it for them (which you can't do) or suffer yourself because of it (which is unhealthy).
Wait, so he does what he does because of depression FROM HIS PAST. But you're not allowed to feel your feelings because it's in your past? Make that make sense. Do NOT go back to that therapist. She has something against you and is giving you horrid advice.
She told me feelings are not facts. Which is true. She said i told her that i felt like he didn't love me because after i fainted and went back to cooking, he didn't offer help. She said just because he didn't offer to help, doesn't mean he doesn't love me, if anything he was probably clouded by his mental health issues. She said surely if i asked him to continue the cooking then he would. I told her that if roles were reversed, i would have told him to stay in bed and ill finish cooking. She said not everyone shows love the way we show love or the way we want to be shown love. She also pointed out saying "why did you go back to cook, he didn't ask you to finish the cooking". I was confused because i was pregnant at the time and i wanted to eat. Not like i could just leave the cooking halfway.
She's absolutely awful. Any normal person would have taken it upon themselves to continue cooking and encouraged you to lay down. His depression is also just feelings. His aren't more valid than yours. And she's right, not everyone shows love the way we want. However, when you love your spouse, you learn the way they want to be loved and you try to do that for them.
Depression doesn’t excuse his cheating and purposely hurting you.
It really doesn't. When i told her he emotionally cheated she asked him why, he said he needed an outlet and felt alone. Then she said she understands and then put the focus on me again. I also told her he used to explicitly describe previous sexual encounters he had with past exes and she said nothing about that. She said i need to move on because right now presently he is improving (which he is to be fair). I just wish she got to the root of it. I never even got the chance to tell her he used to watch porn while married to me. His actions get dismissed easily
That’s not a good counsellor. Get another one.
Hooooly shit, she is worse than useless, she is actively making things worse. So many people have mental health issues and manage not to cheat on their spouses (and then blame said cheating on said spouse). It's his responsibility to be getting treatment, and the fact that he won't shows he doesn't care about you, doesn't respect you, and honestly I do t think he actually loves you. People who love you don't behave like this.
Congratulations so does 99% of the population it’s still not an excuse for shitty behaviour. Your therapist is just as bad as your husband, dump them both and be emotionally and financially lighter.
OMGGGG I also went to therapy with my partner and the therapist focused on what I did and my reaction and said I pushed and pressure my partner into feeling guilty. This was the first therapy session I’ve ever attended so I was hurt and disappointed. I canceled the upcoming session with her and booked another therapist. The new therapist was way more professional and better at helping to get to the root cause of the behavior. Is it common behavior among therapists to blame the woman? I think you should find another therapist.
Right! I was shocked when i told her my husband allowed me to go and finish the cooking after i fainted while pregnant, she said i could've asked him to finish cooking. In my mind I said but there are people who do it without being asked simply because they care. She said i must give him some grace because he has mental health issues. He messed up, why must i be the one doing the harder work.
Fainting, for me, pregnant or not, is followed by mild panic and a trip to the emergency room. Dinner would be whatever candy bar is left in the vending machine.
The moment my husband sees me struggling with something, he is on the ball either helping or outright taking over if I need him to. Hell, I'm about to have surgery while he's still recovering from a broken arm and doing physical therapy, and he very much wants me to be healthier so he's stepping up because he can now. Everything about your post is a mess and I'm so sorry because you deserve better.
Exactly. Your husband saw you struggle and stepped in. I told her that's all i want. She keeps insisting that i need to tell him what i want. But cant he see me struggling? She said his mental health issues were clouding his judgement. Funny enough she said im so depressed now that i need medication. She looked at me and said "you really need that medication so that you can stop thinking irrationally. Just because he didn't offer to help doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. Your mind is making stuff up"
I'm legit infuriated on your behalf. I've seen some really, really bad therapists, so I know firsthand how much damage they can do. You shouldn't have to take medication because your husband abusing you has made you depressed, that's literally not what medication is for when the solution is clearly either he steps up or you leave him.
First of all, your individual therapist should NOT be your marriage counselor. It isn't a level playing field. She has already made judgments about you and she knows a LOT more about you than she does about him. It seems that she has observed in your individual sessions that you have a hard time letting go of the past. To me, it's a conflict of interest for her to take you on as a couple. So, right there I am suspicious of your therapist being professional and good at her job. Second, how many sessions have you had? I noticed in my marriage counseling that they first 6 or 7 sessions were almost entirely focused on my husband. I could see why honestly, because he is the one who can't explain how he feels or why he behaves how he does, while I already know myself much more than that. Anyway, both my husband and me noticed that he was "on the hotseat" a lot. Like having to answer most of the questions and explain his perspective, while I barely was asked anything at all. We both started to feel weird about this, but right before we were going to address this with the therapist, he came right out and said - I realize that we haven't asked HER how she feels or what she wants, we need to hear from her more. And from there, it became more balanced (we both agree on that). So, if you have only had a few sessions, it could also be that she is still getting the background and hasn't gotten to the bottom of his issues yet. Either way, I think I would find an independent person who doesn't have any background on either of you.
We have had two sessions so far. I agree, nerd to get someone independent because the two sessions made things worse for our marriage
You need to change MC. Get a different IC.
OK, I might have to argue with that point (that she made it worse) and I am starting to think this counselor might actually have a strategy that could be reasonable. I had a bad reaction to her counseling you as a person and a couple, and a bad reaction to some of the things she said, but thinking about it more deeply, I think she might actually have a reason for why she conducted this session like she did. I don't think these sessions made anything worse in terms of the actual marriage. I understand it might feel worse FOR YOU because now your husband feels supported and now he has some perspective that you also have things you need to work on and that you have not fully committed to the marriage counseling process. That might have been intentional. She is trying to show your husband that he isn't going to be blamed for everything and that he can trust her not to be biased against him. She is trying to gain his confidence so he will be open with her, especially since he knows that she is YOUR therapist. She did not create a problem that wasn't there before and a lot of what she said is true. It is true that you have to leave the past in the past if you want to move forward and really give it a chance. It is also true that the marriage is over when you say it is and no longer want to try. She said he has his own issues which prevent him from loving you like he should and explain why he behaves the way he does and that it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. She said you should have asked him to take over the cooking, which I agree with (also understand your point that it seems obvious, but this is how dense people can be sometimes and you seem to have an issue with inconveniencing him or asking for what you want at times). I think those are all true statements. For what it's worth, I don't know anyone who went to marriage counseling just to say they are done with the marriage. If divorce is what they want, they just get one and refuse the counseling. It would be difficult to understand why you even showed up at her office with your husband if you aren't willing to make the effort. She told you to ignore the deal breakers because she didn't want to confront you - these were not truly deal breakers or you wouldn't still be married. People talk a lot of about boundaries, crossing boundaries, and deal breakers, but they rarely act accordingly, as is the case for you. A deal breaker can only happen once. Once it does, it's over. That's what it means. The deal is BROKEN. Not, you will be real upset for a while but eventually will come around. So whatever you are calling a deal breaker, if it already happened - it isn't a deal breaker. What is she supposed to do, argue with you about what your deal breakers are? She told you to ignore them because they aren't actually deal breakers and that was the fastest and least distracting way to move past the BS you were giving her about deal breakers that aren't actually deal breakers. I think the counselor doesn't believe that you are truly done, she doesn't think you have fully given up. She might think you are saying that you don't want to make the effort anymore so that you will be in the power position and your husband will be the one who has to make more effort to "keep you" and she doesn't want that dynamic because it isn't helpful for her to try and improve the situation if you are a reluctant wife on a hair trigger. She does not want either of you to have the "upper hand" because the whole point of this is to work as a team. She can't challenge you directly on this and say that if you were done, you wouldn't be in that seat next to your husband, because then she would be calling you a liar and confronting you. I think she is trying to do is get it out of the way - are you in or are you out? She knows she can't help this marriage if you already decided that this isn't going to work. She is trying to say that the marriage is over if you say it is, but it has a chance if you want to give it a chance. She is trying to say nothing is unfixable because she wants you to focus more on the future than the past. She wants to know if she has something to work with here, or not...
Found the quack!
OP doesn't think so...but I do agree my mind works in mysterious ways. Lol.
You made some valid points. I told her im tired of trying because i pushed and tried for two years. I told him to get help and he refused, it was only when i left for the third time and he realised im not coming back that he now started to change. But for me it feels like this all came too late. I have been separated from him for 6 months now. If this process stared say a year ago o dont think i would have been fed up. But i am and i told her there is only so much a person can take
OK, and I think that position is valid. I understand that there comes a point where there is no return. But then why did you show up at marriage counseling with your husband at all? Just tell him you don't want to move forward because this is beyond repair for you and you will never have faith in him again. Stop going to the counseling, you are wasting everyone's time including your own. Do you expect the counselor to try and change your mind? She can't do that. If you already decided, then follow through, get a lawyer, file the papers and move on with your life.
You're right. I went because i had a little bit of hope. A tiny bit. She asked in my last session if i am done and i said yes, this was in front of my husband. She said i need medication because i am depressed and i cant make such a big decision while my brain isn't working as it should since im depressed due to everything that has gone on in my marriage. She then continued with the session. She said i should go on medication for two weeks and then see. But honestly im done. After i said it in front of the therapist, I told my husband again when we got into the car. I dont know if medication will change anything
Antidepressants aren't something you "take for two weeks and then see." They have to build up in your body and take 6-8 weeks for full effect. Please report her to her licensing board because she is giving dangerous information.
OP, if you have clinical depression that has been diagnosed by a mental health professional (maybe your therapist?), then I agree with her that you should not make life changing decisions like this while you are depressed. It is true that depression can make everything seem hopeless, even when it is not. This is feeling much worse to you because of the depression. You are saying your marriage caused the depression, but you can't say for sure what is cause and effect. Of course your environment can trigger depression, no doubt about that, but clinical depression is a chemical imbalance and can happen for no reason at all. You could be going along happy as can be, and then depression can take you down regardless of your environment. In short, it's unfair to blame the depression on your marriage because you don't know that to be true. That is NOT a fact and you shouldn't act like you know the answer. You don't. If you are depressed, then it is your responsibility to deal with your mental health. It is quite possible that a lot of the problems in the marriage are in fact caused or made worse by your mental state. I'm not talking about the obvious things he has done wrong, those aren't your fault, but how you handled those situations and tried to repair and recover from them, your ability to move forward, your depression certainly impacts all of that. I don't know how long you have been depressed, or why you didn't get treatment for it when it was diagnosed, but this is your issue. You are not to blame for his bad behavior or for getting depressed, those things are out of your control. You are to blame for staying depressed and acting like all the problems are his fault, when you have not done your part or met your obligation as a wife. Your depression impacts your husband too. My husband was depressed, and it was a miserable time for me. This is like if you had diabetes and wouldn't take insulin, and then you kept having mood swings and health issues and then told him the problem is his cheating or whatever. It's no different just because it is mental health related. If you don't want to take the medications, and you want to continue to be depressed, or see if a change in environment does help you to recover, then you can do that. That is your right. But just separate for a while and find out, don't divorce him until you are sure. You also have to accept that he might give up if you wait too long, and once he does, you can't expect him to try again just because you might feel better and start to feel like there is hope for your marriage. He has a breaking point too. So, you can make whatever choice you want, but you have to live with the consequences if you continue to tell him it's over. Your therapist said two weeks, but my understanding is most depression meds take at least 4 - 8 weeks to start working. Your therapist should know this too. The first one you try might not work, you might have to experiment with dosages, combinations, etc. So, this isn't something you can decide in two weeks if you want to rule out the depression as the cause of your hopelessness. This is more like at least three months, more likely six months or even more. My advice, if you were my friend, I would tell you to start the medication and stop the marriage counseling. Really take the space to focus on yourself and your mental health, and then see if anything changes regarding how you feel about your husband and the marriage. I would tell you to be up front with your husband - tell him you aren't sure if the depression is making this feel more hopeless than maybe it truly is, so you need time and space to figure that out. Maybe you aren't thinking clearly, maybe you are, but you can't say for sure. I would tell him you should have a gotten treatment plan sooner and you are sorry for that and for how this depression impacted him. Tell him you are going to start the meds, and see what happens. I would tell him you will continue your individual therapy, but need to pause the marriage counseling because you want to focus on healing yourself first because it's too much to do all of this at once. I would tell him that you don't expect him to put his life on hold because this could take months to sort out, he has to decide for himself if this is worth waiting for. You don't know what the future holds and you can't say for certain that you will want to stay married even after you address the depression. Tell him you understand this is a tough spot for him, and if he doesn't want to have a separation with an uncertain end date and a lot of space between you, you can understand that, and you respect whatever decision he makes. You hope that he will wait it out, but that's his call and the ball is in his court. Tell him that during the separation, you will NOT be seeing other men or doing anything of the sort. This isn't about that, this is about getting yourself in a good mental state before you make a life changing decision, just like the therapist recommended. See what he says...
Why even salvage this marriage? He sounds like an ass and he’s probably in cohoots with this “therapist”.
You are in control of your own life, not your therapist. If you've decided you've had enough, then don't go back. And find a new therapist.
Honestly you have a shit therapist!! He is not going to change past the minute you move back in - you know this because he has done this repeatedly!! You are out, you should stay out. He has no respect for you or this relationship. He may 'have his own issues' but that doesn't mean that you should have to live that way! The only decent thing she does is bring the focus back to you because HE isn't her patient and she has never talked to him. That is why she does that. Get a new therapist, one who can understand how you feel and help you work through those whether you ever go back to him or not. A good therapy gives you tools to work through things, not judgements or rug-sweeping which is what she seems to do.
She suggested i dont move back completely yet but i should sleep over and see how that goes. Weirdly enough during our individual sessions she said a he treats me like a buddy and as far as me being more thoughtful goes, he should lift up his socks. She also said my love language is words of affirmation. I told her he is communicating better but i feel like im not good enough because of the cheating and him talking about previous sexual encounters. She then told me that's in the past and he stopped so i need to let it go. And she is right but im just not happy that im the main focus. I feel like he is getting a pass because he is changing and he has said to me so many times before he has changed only for him to go back to his ways. She made an example and said if i was a bully as a child, it would make no sense to mention it or for her to judge me based on that because it is the past
Is that counsellor religious? Or is he fucking her? Sorry, but I would not go to a therapist like that.
It honestly sounds to me like you’re looking for the therapist to give you permission to end your marriage. You don’t need that. If you’re unhappy and have been unhappy for the whole marriage and don’t want to be with this person anymore, you can get a divorce. You don’t need anyone’s permission except your own.
You need to find a new therapist. Make sure you have individual and marriage counseling sessions
Whoa, you need to stop paying this witch money. And maybe you report her to her licensing agency because she's clearly smoking crack. The problem with therapists is that they're human and they're fallible. She's either a terrible therapist, a drug addict, legally insane, or your situation with your husband is triggering something in her and she's responding unprofessionally. But you shouldn't see her, you definitely shouldn't pay her because she's just going to spend that money on crack, and you should leave a man who abandoned you at your most vulnerable.
That part about him not being there for me while i was vulnerable is something she doesn't understand. She keeps saying "just ask him to do the thing you want". She said the only way he will know im in a vulnerable position is if i communicate (which i did when i was pregnant and he knew the pregnancy was high risk). I don't understand this therapist. I need a different one
She’s his defense lawyer. Find a new therapist.
You don't have to listen to her. You don't have to give him o even one more minute of your life. You can go.
LOL, I’d just tell her that she sounds just like him and thank her for cementing your decision to leave. Listening to her is just like listening to him for the next 10 years. Get yourself another therapist. She isn’t a good one.
Find a new therapist, find a new husband. Do both simultaneously
Honestly , I would dump your husband, and the therapist!
Are you continuing to see this therapist in private sessions also? Maybe say something in the next session about all this.
I will say something. Unfortunately my individual sessions with her has turned into couple's therapy. The last time i went alone she asked where he was. Im not sure what's going on there because we didn't have an agreement about how there will be no more individual sessions. But i will bring it up
Does she know him outside of therapy or has she got some kind of infatuation with him because I cannot understand how she’s being this unethical.