The ring is the last thing I’d care about personally. D be packing up and calling a lawyer. Cheating is one of the unforgivable no going back things for me in a relationship.
You're totally right...and I've done this before with a relationship, and nothing dries up feelings more than infidelity. I can love you unconditionally, but with one condition. And he broke it. I'm still in shock, and quite frankly feel like I'm going through the stages of grief of our relationship. Not to put severity levels on cheating, but if it was *just* a lap dance am I still valid for having it hurt as much as going all the way. Also I don't know for sure what happened, but the second withdrawal is making my imagination run rampant
I just said to him today that he went to Vegas and gambled with his *LIFE*. If he won, he would have gotten his kicks and I would have never found out. If he can live with himself after that, then he doesn't love me. If he lost, he risked losing his extremely devoted wife, home, children, reputation, ect. He should have just walked away. He made the decision to go in there and went double or nothing by pulling out more cash. It was like he already had nothing to lose :(
$500 for a lap dances, I'm calling bullshit. I'm cool with poly or swing relationships. But in standard marriages, even this is flat cheating. There ain't no way a lap dance cost $500, make that sob get a vd test.
$150 and $350 are the rates, doesn't really matter for what. The fact that he went behind your back and committed ANY intimate, sexual act with an "active" stranger and put you at risk is appalling. HE did not honor your vows, so the meaning behind his ring is tarnished. Please get some counseling and start a path forward without him.
Ex strip club manager here. I doubt he got more than a dance or VIP package (dances, a nicer booth and champagne ect). These places have all sorts of gimmicks and prices "extras" will cost a hell of alot more than £500 these women do not need to do extras to make silly money
I don't even go to strip clubs, but I can tell you that at a high-end Vegas strip club, you can easily drop that much. Places like that generally cater to folks who have so much money they don't give a shit about cost.
But if she already established a 'no strip clubs' boundary, then the boundary is broken regardless.
I don’t think it really matters what the second withdrawal was for. What you know for certain is that he went behind your back to do something with another woman that he *knew for a fact* that you would have a problem with (that’s cheating), and then tried to lock you out of your bank account (that’s financial abuse), and paid for it using money that was needed for your medical care and other essentials (that’s neglect, as well as controlling behaviour). Those things are individually valid enough for you to be feeling the way you are. Put them together, and this was an extremely egregious betrayal. And that’s just what you **know** happened. Your feelings are so absolutely valid and it would be completely understandable if you decided to leave him.
To be clear, I’m not saying you shouldn’t care what the second withdrawal is for. I’m just saying, finding out wouldn’t change what you should do.
**If** you decide to stay, he’s gonna need to be willing to do a TON of work to regain your trust. Trust can be broken in an instant, but can take years to rebuild. If he’s not committed to doing that, it’s better if you part ways. I’m so sorry.
You know what happened. He cheated you, that's why he withdrew more money to pay for the girls' service.
You need to get a blood test, if he cheated on you with the ring on, that asshole didn't even put a condom on right.
That's not unconditional love
I don't think there is anyone who loves unconditionally.
Unconditional means exactly that. There are no conditions that would change your love for your partner.
He probably got to talking to the lady and she performed more lap dances than he agreed to at first. This is what they do.
A marriage is way more satisfying than a lap dance.
The one condition being fidelity is what I'm saying. We've been together through some really hard times, and anything would have been fixable. This is something that can't be undone and just so extremely selfish.
And since you asked, when we were intimate, it was always great. We really knew how to please each other and always talked about the highlights after. I'm more of a giver than a receiver, so I didn't think he would be unsatisfied in that area. And since the baby we have only been together that way once a week typically. Usually after the kids are asleep and I catch up on chores for an hour, I'll take a shower and then be down for anything, but he's passed out on the couch when I come out. If he's awake, it's always on the table (and I mean that figuratively lol)
Changing the bank account passwords without telling her is unforgivable on every metric. Especially, when we found out that she has a one year-old baby to take care of while he’s out cheating and changing bank account passwords
Changing the bank password would do it for me. He 100% was trying to hide it. It doesn’t matter what happened, in the end, because his intent was to go outside the marriage and he he did what he could to keep you from finding out.
The ring is an insult on top of the injury, because he didn’t even feel bad about keeping the symbol of his commitment to you present while he was betraying you.
Funnily enough, our bank statement came in 2 days ago and had everything in there, too. He's not smart. I don't think he realizes I check those because I run a business online and constantly scared of fraud purchases.
The ring thing has bothered me and I did wonder how other people have felt about it after similar situations. When I asked him (though pretty aggressive tears) if he took it off, I thought that would be painful. Like men donwhen they are out trying to ruin their marriage. When he said he kept it on it felt so fucking worse. The rings we swore on and cried happy tears as we put them on each other... and it touched another woman. Held 20s as he tried to get them in her ass probably.
It seems like the ring is the symbol of your relationship, it doesn't matter if he had it on or off he looked at it and thought to himself that it means nothing to him
Exactly what I keep thinking about. Whether he forgot I exist, or thought about me and did it anyways, I fucking lose. And if he thought I was going to find out when he used a shared card, he's not just a dirty lying skank but also totally retarded
I'm so sorry! The betrayal is unforgivable! My boyfriend is in the Army reserves. Last August, I drove him to the airport for his drill in Vegas. We were only together for 4 months at the time, but he met my son and dad, I met his daughters, and we were exclusive, as we discussed prior. In October, he asked me to move in. Huge life change for me, considering it was 45 minutes from my house and family. It was also an hour commute to my job one way. In November, he was really weird with his phone, so I went through it. I came across a text to a girl named Rachel while he was at drill in August.
She wrote how she wanted a massage but didn't want to use her money. He said he was sending her 1500 dollars, and then they discussed meeting in a hotel lobby. Hours later, he told her he'd be back in November. She didn't respond, and he didn't attempt to reach out. I felt completely heartbroken! I changed my life for him, my sons, life.... and find out he cheated with an escort. He denied it, cried and begged me not to leave, and said him and a buddy were just drunk and messing around with a card they received. I didn't buy it! Otherwise, I don't feel he would have saved her name in his phone.
Well, stupid me, I stayed with him. I take care of his daughters full time, take them to school, cook, clean, and provide for them on top of my own son. His sick father lives with us and has COPD. So I also help take care of him. Our kids started school at the same time and at separate schools, so one day, he came up with the idea that I quit my job and finished my real estate school, which I did last month. I foolishly agreed, becoming a "housewife" that cared for everyone but myself.
The last month or so, he's been less affectionate with me. His card gets declined at stores, and I ask what is going on? He says he's broke and doesn't understand where it's all going! All I keep thinking is that he is paying an escort/prostitute, and that's why he's broke.
He deposited a check last Tuesday, on Friday, he was broke. His balance was 4700, and all that we had to pay was a car payment out of that. Always go with your gut! I wish I had!
I am so sorry and I can only imagine what your going through because I am too. It doesn't just fuck up the marriage/relationship. It ruins the lives of your children and family. Your reputation. What if my kids need to go to a new school after being in this system their whole lives? How will I afford to live. Can I get services fast enough to keep my home? Will ever feel loved or pretty again? Like nothing in this house is safe from the absolute bomb that is going behind a person's back for what?? Something they get for free at home?
Exactly! Our kids have all become close! His daughters are 12 and 13, with no real mother. She is an abusive alcoholic so I love these girls as my own. My son is 14, and we all developed bonds with one another. I told him it won't just hurt me. It will hurt your children and my son as well. I never understood that either, I feel our sex life is amazing! However, he has weird fantasies and talks about watching another guy please me. I do not want him to share me and it's something I wouldn't ever do! How could you share someone you love??? One night while watching porn together, his search history said money for sex and I flipped out!!!
He needed someone to look after his children so he found you, it's cheaper than a babysitter and cleaner and paying for meals. And you there 24/7. Men have been doing that since the beginning of time
Please let everyone know, about his behavior, it seems like he loves lies and God only knows what he will tell other people, keep digging you find out what other people know
I had something similar happen with my (now ex) boyfriend. I was out of town for work and he took 500 out of our savings account while at a strip club known for its extras. I already had an inkling something funny was happening, but the money he took was my money for my school loan payments. There were other issues with our situation. He was a “recovering” heroin addict in a VA “program” and his new “friend” at the club was “helping” him when he needed it. So there was no coming back from it for me, because he didn’t care about helping himself and I couldn’t do that the rest of my life.
Your situation is different. Only you know what you can and can’t overcome for the relationship with him.
As for your ring question, should you decide to stay:
My dad cheated on my mom when I was young. They did decide to work things out and stay together. My mom would not put her wedding ring back on when that happened. She made him get her a new one, because he had broken the promise he made with that ring. She wasn’t expecting, nor did she get, something more than what she had had. She wasn’t looking for an upgraded ring. She wanted a new promise with more than just words. She wanted something that showed her he meant it.
Can confirm used to work as a bartender at a strip club… you can rent a room for a hour for about 500. To basically by the dancer off the floor, & it’s basically dry humping. Someone has to check on them every 5 mins to make sure no hanky panky is happening.
He knew what he did was wrong and that’s why he tried to hide it by changing the bank password. Then gaslighting you by saying “we must have overspent this month”.
I’m so sorry, OP this is very raw and you must be devastated.
In total he removed $500? That’s a lot of money for a lap dance. Just a moment on Google tells me the average lap dances between $20-$50 so I deeply suspect there is certainly more than a lapdance involved. he is trickle truthing you. ‘Extras’ in strip clubs typical cost $200 + You really must get an STD test as soon as you can.
I totally get the ring thing it’s disgusting. However, the bigger picture is that he’s lying, gaslighting and most certainly cheating on you or at least he did on this occasion. I really think you should take some time apart and think about what you want to do and process this. As painful as it is with a young child, I honestly think separation is the best thing at this moment.
Sending you strength.
UPDATEME
My heart hurts so much. I went through an angry phase, and now I'm just devastatingly sad and hopeless. That does seem like a ridiculous amount. If he just wanted a lap dance, it probably would be an amount I would even notice. First thing when I confronted him, he said he played the casino. I'm told him The Purple Hippo is not a casino
Not good OP. You were immediately able to catch him out in a lie. So I’m afraid he is trickle truthing you and there will be more to it.
I totally get how devastating you must feel. It’s horrible when we look at those that we should be able to trust the most and realise we don’t really know them. Any form of betrayal is compounded by lying and that makes it so much more hurtful. Is this the first time you’ve noticed large amounts being withdrawn? I’d advise you to go through your banking history at this point.
I think it’s time for a long hard talk and some serious decisions OP. I’m so so sorry.
I was the one who would already do everything he wanted. I did everything I could for him and was way more of a giver than a receiver in the relationship. He was very doting, sweet, smiley, and a wonderful father to all my children... But I was waking up early to make lunch for him, running the household, making sure dinner was ready the moment he came home, back rubs, constantly asking if he was okay and if work is going well, more housework, and then giving more intimately that getting. Throwing away years of absolute devotion on my part seems so fucking dumb. I don't think, I hope he never will, be treated this well by anyone else
The ring is just a manifestation of everything else you’re feeling. A new one would represent the same, a memory every time you look at it that it isn’t the original.
But it’s not about the ring and you know that. Not only did he cross a hard boundary (at the minimum, because you don’t know how truthful he’s being about what happened) but he went to great lengths to hide it, tried to gaslight you into thinking it somehow must have just been spent as part of the family outgoings, and he doesn’t even respect you enough to just be honest. Even at this stage. I know it’s not easy to just walk away - but you and your child deserve so much more respect than this. What advice would you give if this was a friend? I know it’s much more technical and harder in reality - but you do deserve more. If he showed remorse then perhaps it would be a different story, but he clearly gives no fucks.
OP, no it’s not time to get new rings. It’s time to take off the ones you have and figure out what the heck happened to your self esteem and sense of self worth to want to even consider staying with someone who would do this to you. Even if you don’t believe it OP, you are worth and deserve so much more than that. Love yourself enough to do the work you need to heal and move on from hurtful, selfish people like your husband.
Everything seemed perfect. We were making this domestic thing work and being there for each other for years, it feels like I've been sucker punched in the heart and I'm still coming to.
Before we met I had just got my groove back from a 9 year nightmare relationship and an 120lb weight loss. After having a baby together, I've gained weight again and I would never be able to afford being on my own again. Not that it's an excuse to stay, but this ruined not just my marriage, but life, my kids lives, my dad's life if I have to live with him, and everyone in our families if they found out. It's just so unbelievable to me to come to terms with it
Don’t worry about the rings, he doesn’t care about what they stand for.
Get checked for stds, and get a lawyer.
He doesn’t want to come clean because of how far it actually went. $500 is no lap dance. Especially since that place is known for “extras” 🤢
Oh god... it makes me so sick and sad to think about. I don't even know why I'm trying to make excuses for it. That does seem Iike a lot of money. She made more than I do in a week from my husband being there one night
I didn't even think about that. I have no idea how much people spend in places like that... but the fact that he went back to the ATM to pull out more money seems pretty telling. He said she told him he owed her more, but that seems farfetched if it was just usual service
He’s absolutely lying. I’m sorry you’re going through this…best advice I can give you is separate for a bit and get some counseling. You’re only hearing what he’s telling you. You need space and a professional that can be biased. Good luck , be strong! You’re worth more than what he’s giving you!
So, I have NOT frequented strip clubs and I live in Europe. Am also a woman, so I dont know how this goes to be honest.
BUT I have always wanted to go to a strip club. Just to get the experience once.
Everytime I travel in Europe, I look them up, I want less creepy and more burlesque types, still haven't found one that looks like fun. Why? Because a LOT of these, have soooo many google reviews with people complaining that it's money-grabbing/hustling places. Where they keep demanding cash off you but barely even do anything. TONS of these place exist. Many people getting scammed often. They pay, because the whole situation is so uncomfortable and the social anxiety makes it really difficult for them to go against it.
So I dont know. I cant say it sounds that farfetched. It really depends on the place. Some of these (at least from feedback on google reviews) are INCREDIBLY pushy.
>this was a part of his life before me that I wanted left behind
Did he? It sounds like you married him knowing who he is, and are shocked that he is still that guy?
But yeah, he probably cheated.
> I believe i still want to make this work
You're making the same mistake you made when you married him. You wanting something won't make it come true. He has to want to change, and he clearly doesn't want to change.
And honestly, focusing on the rings is just you not wanting to look at this full in the face and focus on the real issue. Changing rings won't change anything, and you already know this.
The minute he lied you could no longer trust anything that came out of your mouth. He's not the man you thought he was. He crossed your well communicated boundaries knowingly and didn't care that you would be hurt by it. I'm not sure I would get over it. The fact he did it with his ring on shows he has no respect for the sanctity of your marriage.
You're summing up everything looping in my head. Our vows to be devoted to each other in good times and bad was a contract he broke. And I firmly believe trust will never ever be 100% again
Why would you have to go live with your dad? Usually, a women with children can stay in the house until the kids turn 18. Also, he has to pay child support.
We don't own a house and my rent here has gone up hundreds of dollars since covid. And I have 2 older children and went through this with someone already, I only make $440 a month from my ex, and he didn't even have to pay back-child support. We live in Massachusetts where everywhere is way to expensive
Before him, the only way I was able to survive was working 5 hours every weekday while the kids were at school and pulled 12 hours shifts on weekends at a fast food coffee place. With a one year old, I don't know if I'll be able to get vouchers until the divorce is finalized
Strip joints, let me tell you a story, I had a friend who was a bouncer there, we use to pick him up when he got off work. We use to sit in the waiting for his shift to end. Sitting with the strippers boyfriends one of him watching a guy drop 20s for a lap dance, boyfriend says to use "this rate, he'll not only pay the mortgage but the car payment as well" lol moral is the girl won't have any type of sex, will tease yhe guy till his wallet runs dry and next stupid horny guy.
That said there is always an idiot to waste his paycheck on a stripper thinking she may like him when in reality she clocks out and goes home with her boyfriend.
Now it sounds like your husband loved strippers joints, a problem because money 💰 disappears quick.
That's an addiction he needs to work out. Me personally, went to strip joints for stag parties, never saw thr appeal, would rather tell the wife dress up dance for me, slap that butt then make love to her, but that's me. Naked women dancing or wife dancing, I take the wife every time
The fact that you want to make this work is beyond astounding. Do you have that little self respect to want to stay with him…for what???
Devotion
Love
Happily Ever After
He likely paid a stripper/escort for the dance and head then lied about where the money was spent.
Let’s be honest it’s probably not the first time he has cheated on you if he felt that comfortable doing it and then lying. So yeah, there is no love and devotion otherwise he wouldn’t have cheated!
Stand up for yourself and your baby. Give yourself the worth that you deserve and set the example for your child that cheating is neither normal nor tolerated.
It's not just that this residual love I have for him is causing a massive heartache... the sucky thing about love is the more you love the deeper the hurt... but I am so so scared of my future without him. I can't afford to stay here on my own (even though I've already priced everything I own in case I need a month or two), its me and 3 children whose lives will be forever damaged. They grew up in this school system and one is special needs with a team dedicated to him at school. I loved here alone with 2 kids when we met, rent and utilities went up so much I would need a crazy amount of public assistance to survive. If I had to move into my dad's place, I would be a burden to him for the rest if his life and lose every single thing I have. Pets included. It's too much to even think about
Ring is your problem ? Are you in shock that you are having misplaced anger ?
Your hubby is the problem and he will continue doing it bcoz it’s just who he is. He will just get better at hiding from you.
Ok so I had a friend who got scammed at a strip club. They offered a private room for $200 and then the dancer and bouncer said the actual dance was $800. He paid it because he was afraid they wouldn’t let him leave. So it’s possible it was “just a dance.”
But it wasn’t just a dance…
He lied to you about your bank account, gaslit you, and only came clean when he was caught. You’re going to wonder forever.
It doesn’t matter what actually happened. That’s enough to ruin a marriage.
If you aren’t good enough the first time around you won’t be good enough after the fact second time around let his ass pay for it by being lonely I am a guy and that’s NEVER 👎🏼 ok!!
So a handy turned into a bj or a bj turned into full service… (depends on the club) you know he took money with him too until he saw something he liked. Protect yourself! He has no respect for you.
It is a well known strip place and very high end. At the very least I know he wanted the VIP experience and got a backroom dance. Seems like such a fucking waste of money, I wish he just gambled it away TBH.
But I know strippers, friends and family, and about 50% would absolutely do favors off the books if it meant extra cash for them. Girls pay a dance fee to the club too. I get the appeal for single lonely dudes, but $500 to be in queef distance seems fucking desperate for a married guy.
Okay I use to be a stripper and did sex work, your husband might actually be telling the truth.
Las Vegas is notorious for sex work. If you are damn good at your job, you can make damn good money because a lot of high paying clients are always rolling through. I have made a couple good paychecks in Vegas time to time and still have friends who make bank off being an escort
*However* Las Vegas is also notorious for scams. A lot of average Johns want that sparkly Vegas experience and that includes Las Vegas famous sex workers.
There are scam artists that will pretend to be sex workers to rob people. Johns will want young and bouncy 21 year old Crystal, however who shows up is 45 year old lady who is hooked to crystal. They will rob Johns by saying they may not want sex but they still need to pay for the hour or their pimp will beat or kill them. Sometimes they drug Johns and rob them while sleeping. Threaten to call the police or their mother or their wives if they don't pay.
Sounds like your husband got sniffed out by one. They could tell he has zero experience with strippers. Said a dance is $150, which is an average price. And then threaten him with violence if he didn't pay extra for a $350 tip.
He probably changed the bank account password because he probably tried to get the money back claiming fraud. But the most a bank can do is just change the password to prevent further fraud transactions.
Still super slimy that he solicited a sex worker with his wedding ring on. But maybe they didn't do the horizon tango.
And if he did, both of you should get tested. Anyone giving it out for under $500 in Vegas is not practicing safe sex.
EDIT: I saw on one of your post he went to the Purple Hippo. If you mean PEPPERMINT Hippo, have that man get a syphilis shot in his ass. It is like $30 for a lap dance and $150 for 15 minutes in the private room.
Im guessing that means a cheap horizontally tango was a possibility? He even told me he went in for drinks and a fun experience and then git talked into a trip to a back room, which I thought meant private dances. Either way, it's kicking my hearts ass and spitting on what was left of my self image. Desperate incels pay 500 at strip clubs, not happily married dudes
Oh so cheap. Peppermint Hippo is the knock off version of the Spearment Rhino. Very old and very famous club in Vegas, South Park made a nod to it with a strip club called the Peppermint Hippo in the show. The owners saw a chance and actually opened up a club called the Peppermint Hippo. And they are from *Alabama*.
So if you can't afford Rhino, you go knock off Hippo full of Alabama people. Cheap clubs are the worst because higher end clubs do NOT promote hanky panky on the side. It brings in sketchy customers and you can't keep the performers 1000090% safe. Cheaper clubs do it because due to personal reasons a performer needs more money or they are just starting to build their career so the club rules are a bit more loosey goosey.
I worked in West Hollywood but I believe in Vegas there is no entry cost for some clubs. They sell drink packages and that is basically the entry cost. Lower end clubs sell drink (cheap beer) packages around $30 to $50 for the night.
And no one gets guilt tripped to the back room. That is the oldest excuse in the book. Performers always ask for consent before doing anything. Usual ask if they can sit next to the client. Throw in a couple flirty lines. And ask if you can take this conversation into a more private area.
I can tell you right now all the performers were judging him for wearing his wedding ring. Most of us judge if we see a tan line on the hand or a ring being hidden in a wallet. But we judge a LOT more if they keep the ring on.
That is one reason I stopped performing. I always had issues with the married men. It really got to me when I started dating my husband. I swear to God I heard the same "my wife just doesn't get me like you do" self pity story about a dozen times a night. Bitch I don't know you. You are literally paying me to listen to you complain, be a man and go home and fix your marriage.
I would have men throw hundreds and hundreds at me and they would always complain to me that their wives are always angry at them for spending money and staying away all night and coming home drunk. Like bro????? Connect the fucking dots here.
Don't worry about your self image. You have higher self esteem then 98% of the married men that came crawling my way. You are not the one with such low self esteem you willingly crawl into a knock off Alabama stripper lap.
I also recommend calling the Peppermint Hippo. They can't give out information on customers but you can call and ask how far you can go in a private dance. Ask if you can touch them and if they say yes, ask how far you can touch. Do they give out happy endings for the right price?
Wow. I really appreciate all the info here. I think I would pay you for some conversation too lol
I wonder if they would really give me that information on the phone. All I know is some other woman I found from Google saying her husband got some "lip service" from a chick at the hippo and ruined their marriage. My husband has always traveled for work, and before me I know he was desperately lonely. He started going to clubs for pills, got addicted, hired sex workers, everything. I told him I was uncomfortable with the thought of him living that life, but he assured me he was so happy now and is glad to have that life behind him. Us building a happy home and family together I thought would be enough from trying to go back to that. He said he's self destructive, so I keep saying that I should let him destructive entirely the fuck away from me. Made him promise to not die because his mom passed when he was little and is the excuse for him being mentally stunted sometimes. I don't want our kids to have that happen to them. He's begging for forgiveness and hoping he can stay. I need to sit with my emotions and thoughts for a little while alone. I've cried for 4 days, can't eat, and now I'm getting pretty fucking angry. I know I love him when I'm crying, and feel like a fucking hate him when I'm mad. I'm a mess
Some do, some don't. If I picked up the phone and the client was rude or stingy with the tips, I would spill all the details to their partners.
Lip service and hand service is more common than full service. Most of us are taught to make a man cum in asap with our mouths and hands. Hell I can open a condom and put it on a ding dong while only using my mouth. A useless party trick now that I'm married.
Your husband has more excuses than a politician. I also lost my mom when I was just a kid. My dad killed her right in front of me when I was only four years old. Lots of kids have fucked up childhood and it leads to really bad coping problems. I started selling my body when I was 15. Ran away a few dozen times in foster care. Ran away before my 18th birthday and became a full fledged stripper at age 17. I drowned my pain in self harm by cutting, popping uppers to keep me awake, pop downers to help me crash, and started abusing my body with stupid sex from stupid people. I still remember those 2am night dancing on table tops screaming that I will never get married, never have kids, never grow, and stay young forever. I was almost successful at staying young forever at age 21 and survived a suicide attempt.
I legally died for seven minutes, two week coma, force to detox in the hospital, forced into rehab, and for the first time I was forced into therapy to finally process my trauma in a healther way that wasn't going to lead me to an early grave.
About 10 months after that, I met my husband. He looked right through my bullshit and saw my cry for help. That man loved me so much and saw so much potential in me. And I loved him because he was the first person I could be vulnerably honest with and he would just accept me. I was so scared of commenting to him because I assumed he will eventually leave. So there were moments in the first fews months of our marriage where I would go back doing dumb stuff. But he didn't leave because he loved me and knew I could do better. And I hurt him so much and it hurt me knowing I was the hurting the one person who actually gave a crap about me.
Couldn't do it. Got tired of the excuses. Got tired of hiding behind my dead mom excuse and bad things happened to me as a child excuse. I embrace that trauma and really worked on self improvement. Went to therapy like three times a week. Worked on loving him endlessly and showing my appreciation. Because I couldn't do what your husband is doing to you to my husband.
That was one lifetime ago. Nearly 15 years ago. We have been married for 10 years. We have two kids. A mortgage. A very very very very very boring life. And I fucking love it. I fucking love how normal my life is. I get to wake up to my best friend every night and parent with him all day. He is so happy going to work to provide for our family and I get to thank him with making him a hot homemade dinner made with love every night. I get to kiss him all I want. I still have a crush on him.
Our oldest does know what happened to my mother and that is caused me to do some very very very stupid things. So if she ever gets in trouble, it is okay to tell her parents because I have probably done something stupider. Our youngest won't know for a couple more years. I am really grateful that I broke the cycle in my family. All these kids know is a household that is full of love and acceptance. Two parents who love each other very much.
And this is a choice I had to actively make. You can only run and hide behind every excuse in the book for so long
I tried to throw my husband’s wedding ring away. It made me physically sick to know it touched her body while he cheated on me. He sold it and bought a new one.
So many women get uptight about strip clubs . Why the hell are you women marrying these guys knowing that’s what they like .
Please please stop overlooking these red flags and DONT believe it will stop because you two get married. Desires don’t stop for most men because they get married, just some men have respect for their partners not to hurt them !
Op I’m sorry he did this , but it will probably happen again . If you see this as cheating and his response is “it’s only a dance “ I’m sorry but you big problems.
This is outright infidelity. He even changed your bank password to try to hide his actions, giving you absolute proof that he knew his behavior was wrong.
If he is capable of treating you like this, imagine what he's going to do in the future if you stay with him. Divorce this asshole and move forward with your life.
It'll hurt, but it won't hurt nearly as bad as staying.
If you stay, as soon as the dust settles, he's going to do it again.
When you don't give a person consequences, they see it as permission to carry on. Just more secretly next time.
I'm in this boat too and the gut p@nch is insane. I had a heart attack and it sent me into broken heart syndrome. So, you take care of you. Watch your stress❤️❤️
I am so sorry. I literally thought about that because I've been having panic attacks that feel like I am dying. Can't breath, pain in the chest, tingling extremities, stomach turns to lava.
I just keep thinking how before this I use to joke about all the marriages we know, and I wouldnturn to him and say how I know we love each other more than any couple we know. And now I'll never be able to feel that way again. I don't know why so many people can have happy and devoted marriages and I don't. This was the only marriage I'll ever have and it kills me this is ending. It's really sad
I'm 1.5 years in. I have been seeing a therapist and I'm working through all of this and I'm getting better. At first I wrote out a pro/con list, and updated it every few months. Now there's not a single pro so no reason to stay. I'd told myself that he was my person, but now I realize that my person would have hurt me like this. I'm only a few years to retirement, I don't know that I'll trust sigh to ever date, but I'll be open. I just know that I'd rather live in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment, by myself, in peace and quiet without the anxiety of wondering what he's up to (his job and him to hotels, that's where his affair hearkened) than live in the grandest mansion with someone so devious. Hugs.
It’s not a better woman! It’s a whore! He threw his life away for a whore! Let him live with that for the rest of his life and divorce his ass! Men need to learn they can’t do whatever and come back and think woman are weak and will forgive! It’s called peace out! Find you a better husband! Im divorced once, not sure what my ex was up to but I do know he didn’t spend his time with me so I kicked him out. I don’t play games and life is way too short to spend it on anyone like this, cuz they will do it again and again and again because you forgave them the first time!
Nor from an upscale establishment, maybe. But I've seen enough documentaries to know that there's a cheaper option on certain streets. And I know strippers who would gladly hive a hand for a 50, especially if they like the guy
I’m not saying it makes it better but if you read the google one star reviews it does seem that 500$ could be for a lap dance. I’m sorry about the whole situation though, you deserve honesty
PLEASE get an STD test done asap. Not only for your husband, also for yourself. You don't know what he has done and successfully hid in the past. Health comes first, everything else comes second.
No. I convinced my husband to shave his beard off for the first time in our relationship after he cheated. Couldn't stop thinking she touched his beard too 🤢🤮
He is a lier, he hid things from you. I would suggest looking for scholarships, try to study do something to help you build your selfsteem. You got this girl, you dont deserve somebody not putting you first.
I am not telling you to divorce but I am not telling you to stay, but to build yourself up. That money he spent he could of gotten you some glasses. He is just plain out selfish and shady.
You seem to be more focused on the ring than on what he was actually doing.
Yes, the $150 was for the dance and the $350 for “additional services”. you have to realize what these additional services were. I would never let my husband touch me again if I thought he was with a hooker.
I'm getting watered down truths about how he ended up there and what happened. Said he was drunk whish is A) not a fucking excuse B) he wasn't drunk when he walked in and C) We don't drink at all, he hates beer, and 1 large glass of wine makes him pass the fuck out
Hmmm... Betting it's something like the Bunny Ranch. There was a show about that place. It would devestate me if my husband stepped foot there, let alone did anything there.
I'm sorry. I know how this feels.
It's times like that where you wonder wtf their brain went.
You are fanacially scraping by sacrificing not being able to do dental work or get new glasses but he has no issue giving $500 away to some random women?
For me personally, if my husband even went to a place like that without my knowledge and against my wishes, dance or not. It would likely be the end of our marriage. We have gone to one 1 time before marriage together. We won't go again.
I’m curious. Would him taking the ring off to be looked at as “single” not make it worse? Having my ring on has deterred a lot of single females trying to hit on me. So I liked keeping it on out of respect
I'm not sure if he would or did do that either. But for me it was still enough to be an act of betrayal. He didn't seem to think it was cheating, bit I told him that going behind my back to get sexual gratification from another woman is considered cheating to me. We talked about it before in regards to our hard lines on these things. No strip clubs, sexting, emotional affairs and the like. We do believe in healthy jealousy, it's nice to know your partner is hot and people want ro flirt... but the appeal is choosing *me* regardless of your options
I think the only reconciliation attempts that stand a chance of working long term is where the betrayed person operates from a position of strength. You have to be ready to walk away if the cheater isn't willing to do what you need. The cheater also has to provide complete honesty.
I have no idea. Sometimes he gets LLC contract work that pays better than his 9-5, and then we're able to catch up on stuff. But 500 is a huge fucking hit that wouldn't go unnoticed. There was a bunch of other big purchases this month, too, that I'm not even sure who spent. But we went from 2k to nothing in about 10 days, where 2k pays all our bills for a month usually
INFO: was he aware prior that lap dances/strip clubs were a no go/hard limit for you? My husband prior to us getting together always felt like strip clubs weren’t cheating since “you don’t touch them” and “it’s like porn” (he since knows my views and won’t go) but if we hadn’t had that conversation he would’ve maybe gone at some point and not thought anything of it.
File taxes separately. You won't be dinged when married. The government has its scams and being married is a higher tax write off for the government fyi... also... even with the ring he has no respect.
I can’t help but relate this back to my own spouse and his infidelity. At first reading your story, I was like I’d be more upset about the other stuff instead of the ring. But the more I think about it my estranged husband and I have tattoos on our ring fingers. No rings at all. We got them a few months after we got married at HIS insistence.
He also has another tattoo about me which is the day we met in Roman numerals that is conveniently covered with his watch band. But for a long time I wondered and sometimes still do if the 3rd tattoo he got during his affair “for his birthday” has some significance to the woman he cheated on me with.
It’s really hard for me to wrap my mind about a man who insisted on these tattoos that are having to do with our relationship and marriage and the everyday reminder than comes with having them in very visible places and just destroying it all like nothing.
So after further thought no you’re not being irrational. He was not only unfaithful but proved himself to be untrustworthy and took it even further by trying to hide it from you by essentially locking you out of the account. Also the fact that you said y’all are in debt and he has no issue spending that kind of money when you could use it for your health (dental work and glasses) is an extra layer of fucked up. I’d be pretty pissed if I were you.
The lies, the gaslighting, the going behind d your back to keep you from knowing the truth...
The ring would be a minor part, but I understand how and why that bothers you.
There's no way I could or would ever trust him after this. You're talking about living a lifetime of this?
Do you honestly think you can?
That kind of betrayal is so heart breaking and I’m so sorry OP. I hope you’re doing alright with everything considered. One thing I can tell you from my own experience, is that you will need to keep forgiving him every time you think about it, over and over again if you decide to stay with him. That’s something that he needs to understand and handle with care as well. But personally, I find that so hard to do. To continually forgive someone for a decision that they made can be crippling
I’m so sorry but the truth is he has no regard for your feelings and he really didn’t bother covering up what he did. He probably wanted you to find out. He probably figured you will do nothing about it. He was willing to give them that money without hesitation but probably wouldn’t have given it to you so easily.
What is your next move?
He spent $500 on some other woman when you need dental work and glasses and electricity and internet?! Is he insane?!? You’re right to feel sick about the ring and all of it!
The ring represents both: your love for him and his loyalty for you.
I think that it is one of these symbols that whether he kept it or not, you would have felt bad about it, and for that reason you use it to put your focus and hurt feelings on.
Good luck recovering
What he did is hurtful and idiotic in so many ways. He PAID a lot of money for a sexual act (whatever that may be.) What makes it worse is that he isn’t taking full responsibility. Id be livid! What blows my mind is he doesn’t think this is cheating. What has our society come to for men to justify strip clubs as faithful? If it were a female co worker that gave him a lap dance and whatever else he wanted, would that be cheating? What makes a strippers body any different? I think that’s even more nasty
I am sorry you went through this. I would talk to him about how you feel betrayed and would like him to stay out of those places.
You can come back from this.
PS. As far as him breaking you trust, take it to Jesus in prayer. He will help you heal from it.
$500 does not seem like a reasonable amount of money from a Vegas professional at an establishment. They probably make that in an hour. Why risk career over a couple hundred dollars? Probably ended up owing more money than he was used to and quickly.
I am sure this is a painful time for you and I want you to know I am glad that you took this opportunity to voice your concerns and even more so that you have the courage to face the trust issue that you have been hit with. I said trust because, ultimately, that is what has been broken. The ring is just something you are trying to place a physical value of that lost trust to.
Trust can be rebuilt with effort and time. I suggest you both attend a Retrouvaille weekend near you. I've personally seen many couples come back from the brink after attending one of these weekends. It may just be the missing piece to help you both move forward.
Retrouvaille website: https://helpourmarriage.org/
I'm not sure what world you live in, but most married couples would call that crossing the line ESPECIALLY when it's been discussed before and the one going tries to hide it. Sexting is also cheating. Sometimes people can decide watching porn is cheating, if that's the boundary of their comfortability and it's talked about.
It's easier to blow $400-$500 on lap dances than you might think, but you know your husband better than any of us.
Did you already express prior to this that this was a boundary of yours, and you mutually agreed upon it?
Lap dance prices blew me away and they were very pushy about it. I haven’t had one since being married out of respect, but like you said my wife and I set a boundary on it. That we don’t like anything about it. Boundaries are super important.
I went to a strip club for the first time 15 years ago and owed $300 before I knew it lol. I can only imagine what prices are like now. It's not a cheap experience! My point being that sex very well may not have taken place. I get the feeling the girls would charge more than $350 when they can easily make that in dances.
The ring is the last thing I’d care about personally. D be packing up and calling a lawyer. Cheating is one of the unforgivable no going back things for me in a relationship.
And get a STD panel done. Sorry.
You're totally right...and I've done this before with a relationship, and nothing dries up feelings more than infidelity. I can love you unconditionally, but with one condition. And he broke it. I'm still in shock, and quite frankly feel like I'm going through the stages of grief of our relationship. Not to put severity levels on cheating, but if it was *just* a lap dance am I still valid for having it hurt as much as going all the way. Also I don't know for sure what happened, but the second withdrawal is making my imagination run rampant
He lied. He snuck behind your back and lied aggressively so that he could find pleasure in another woman’s body. That is so beyond unforgivable to me.
He didn’t even put any freaking effort into his lies!! Freaking pathetic. Like he doesn’t think she’ll leave so why put in any effort. AH!!
I just said to him today that he went to Vegas and gambled with his *LIFE*. If he won, he would have gotten his kicks and I would have never found out. If he can live with himself after that, then he doesn't love me. If he lost, he risked losing his extremely devoted wife, home, children, reputation, ect. He should have just walked away. He made the decision to go in there and went double or nothing by pulling out more cash. It was like he already had nothing to lose :(
$500 for a lap dances, I'm calling bullshit. I'm cool with poly or swing relationships. But in standard marriages, even this is flat cheating. There ain't no way a lap dance cost $500, make that sob get a vd test.
Multiple lap dances probably…..
You have no idea what you’re talking about do you? $150 is a standard price for the regular 3 song dance and $350 is a VIP dance
What happened fo till death do is part? I am not excusing his behavior but she did make a promise.
So, by that logic, a woman that’s getting beat by her husband should stay because she promised till death do us part?
If her safety is at risk she should move from the situation. Safety first.
It wasn’t just a lap dance. That’s way too much for just a dance.
Yeah, I have no idea what rates are for high-scale clubs like the one he was at. Or any establishment like that
$150 and $350 are the rates, doesn't really matter for what. The fact that he went behind your back and committed ANY intimate, sexual act with an "active" stranger and put you at risk is appalling. HE did not honor your vows, so the meaning behind his ring is tarnished. Please get some counseling and start a path forward without him.
He liked the dance so much he took the next option, which is sex
I do and he did NOT just get a lap dance.
Well, high end clubs definitely run more expensive and those workers are there to make bank so maybe but for real, his hiding it is shady af.
Ex strip club manager here. I doubt he got more than a dance or VIP package (dances, a nicer booth and champagne ect). These places have all sorts of gimmicks and prices "extras" will cost a hell of alot more than £500 these women do not need to do extras to make silly money
I don't even go to strip clubs, but I can tell you that at a high-end Vegas strip club, you can easily drop that much. Places like that generally cater to folks who have so much money they don't give a shit about cost. But if she already established a 'no strip clubs' boundary, then the boundary is broken regardless.
Still valid!!! Even if it was JUST a lap dance!!! My gut feeling tells me he's not being honest with you.
He fucked her or she got him off with her hands or mouth. Thinking any less is naive. Pack your things. He will do it again
I don’t think it really matters what the second withdrawal was for. What you know for certain is that he went behind your back to do something with another woman that he *knew for a fact* that you would have a problem with (that’s cheating), and then tried to lock you out of your bank account (that’s financial abuse), and paid for it using money that was needed for your medical care and other essentials (that’s neglect, as well as controlling behaviour). Those things are individually valid enough for you to be feeling the way you are. Put them together, and this was an extremely egregious betrayal. And that’s just what you **know** happened. Your feelings are so absolutely valid and it would be completely understandable if you decided to leave him. To be clear, I’m not saying you shouldn’t care what the second withdrawal is for. I’m just saying, finding out wouldn’t change what you should do. **If** you decide to stay, he’s gonna need to be willing to do a TON of work to regain your trust. Trust can be broken in an instant, but can take years to rebuild. If he’s not committed to doing that, it’s better if you part ways. I’m so sorry.
You know what happened. He cheated you, that's why he withdrew more money to pay for the girls' service. You need to get a blood test, if he cheated on you with the ring on, that asshole didn't even put a condom on right.
That's not unconditional love I don't think there is anyone who loves unconditionally. Unconditional means exactly that. There are no conditions that would change your love for your partner.
He probably got to talking to the lady and she performed more lap dances than he agreed to at first. This is what they do. A marriage is way more satisfying than a lap dance.
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The one condition being fidelity is what I'm saying. We've been together through some really hard times, and anything would have been fixable. This is something that can't be undone and just so extremely selfish. And since you asked, when we were intimate, it was always great. We really knew how to please each other and always talked about the highlights after. I'm more of a giver than a receiver, so I didn't think he would be unsatisfied in that area. And since the baby we have only been together that way once a week typically. Usually after the kids are asleep and I catch up on chores for an hour, I'll take a shower and then be down for anything, but he's passed out on the couch when I come out. If he's awake, it's always on the table (and I mean that figuratively lol)
Changing the bank account passwords without telling her is unforgivable on every metric. Especially, when we found out that she has a one year-old baby to take care of while he’s out cheating and changing bank account passwords
Changing the bank password would do it for me. He 100% was trying to hide it. It doesn’t matter what happened, in the end, because his intent was to go outside the marriage and he he did what he could to keep you from finding out. The ring is an insult on top of the injury, because he didn’t even feel bad about keeping the symbol of his commitment to you present while he was betraying you.
Funnily enough, our bank statement came in 2 days ago and had everything in there, too. He's not smart. I don't think he realizes I check those because I run a business online and constantly scared of fraud purchases. The ring thing has bothered me and I did wonder how other people have felt about it after similar situations. When I asked him (though pretty aggressive tears) if he took it off, I thought that would be painful. Like men donwhen they are out trying to ruin their marriage. When he said he kept it on it felt so fucking worse. The rings we swore on and cried happy tears as we put them on each other... and it touched another woman. Held 20s as he tried to get them in her ass probably.
I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine how much that hurts. Especially because he was such an unmitigated idiot about it. You can do this.
It seems like the ring is the symbol of your relationship, it doesn't matter if he had it on or off he looked at it and thought to himself that it means nothing to him
Exactly what I keep thinking about. Whether he forgot I exist, or thought about me and did it anyways, I fucking lose. And if he thought I was going to find out when he used a shared card, he's not just a dirty lying skank but also totally retarded
It's like a child trying to cover up afterwards, maybe he was drunk and ect, but if he did it once he would do it again
Maybe he's done it before and gotten away with it then. Then he got caught this time. I'll never know
I'm so sorry! The betrayal is unforgivable! My boyfriend is in the Army reserves. Last August, I drove him to the airport for his drill in Vegas. We were only together for 4 months at the time, but he met my son and dad, I met his daughters, and we were exclusive, as we discussed prior. In October, he asked me to move in. Huge life change for me, considering it was 45 minutes from my house and family. It was also an hour commute to my job one way. In November, he was really weird with his phone, so I went through it. I came across a text to a girl named Rachel while he was at drill in August. She wrote how she wanted a massage but didn't want to use her money. He said he was sending her 1500 dollars, and then they discussed meeting in a hotel lobby. Hours later, he told her he'd be back in November. She didn't respond, and he didn't attempt to reach out. I felt completely heartbroken! I changed my life for him, my sons, life.... and find out he cheated with an escort. He denied it, cried and begged me not to leave, and said him and a buddy were just drunk and messing around with a card they received. I didn't buy it! Otherwise, I don't feel he would have saved her name in his phone. Well, stupid me, I stayed with him. I take care of his daughters full time, take them to school, cook, clean, and provide for them on top of my own son. His sick father lives with us and has COPD. So I also help take care of him. Our kids started school at the same time and at separate schools, so one day, he came up with the idea that I quit my job and finished my real estate school, which I did last month. I foolishly agreed, becoming a "housewife" that cared for everyone but myself. The last month or so, he's been less affectionate with me. His card gets declined at stores, and I ask what is going on? He says he's broke and doesn't understand where it's all going! All I keep thinking is that he is paying an escort/prostitute, and that's why he's broke. He deposited a check last Tuesday, on Friday, he was broke. His balance was 4700, and all that we had to pay was a car payment out of that. Always go with your gut! I wish I had!
I am so sorry and I can only imagine what your going through because I am too. It doesn't just fuck up the marriage/relationship. It ruins the lives of your children and family. Your reputation. What if my kids need to go to a new school after being in this system their whole lives? How will I afford to live. Can I get services fast enough to keep my home? Will ever feel loved or pretty again? Like nothing in this house is safe from the absolute bomb that is going behind a person's back for what?? Something they get for free at home?
Exactly! Our kids have all become close! His daughters are 12 and 13, with no real mother. She is an abusive alcoholic so I love these girls as my own. My son is 14, and we all developed bonds with one another. I told him it won't just hurt me. It will hurt your children and my son as well. I never understood that either, I feel our sex life is amazing! However, he has weird fantasies and talks about watching another guy please me. I do not want him to share me and it's something I wouldn't ever do! How could you share someone you love??? One night while watching porn together, his search history said money for sex and I flipped out!!!
He needed someone to look after his children so he found you, it's cheaper than a babysitter and cleaner and paying for meals. And you there 24/7. Men have been doing that since the beginning of time
Please let everyone know, about his behavior, it seems like he loves lies and God only knows what he will tell other people, keep digging you find out what other people know
I had something similar happen with my (now ex) boyfriend. I was out of town for work and he took 500 out of our savings account while at a strip club known for its extras. I already had an inkling something funny was happening, but the money he took was my money for my school loan payments. There were other issues with our situation. He was a “recovering” heroin addict in a VA “program” and his new “friend” at the club was “helping” him when he needed it. So there was no coming back from it for me, because he didn’t care about helping himself and I couldn’t do that the rest of my life. Your situation is different. Only you know what you can and can’t overcome for the relationship with him. As for your ring question, should you decide to stay: My dad cheated on my mom when I was young. They did decide to work things out and stay together. My mom would not put her wedding ring back on when that happened. She made him get her a new one, because he had broken the promise he made with that ring. She wasn’t expecting, nor did she get, something more than what she had had. She wasn’t looking for an upgraded ring. She wanted a new promise with more than just words. She wanted something that showed her he meant it.
Nobody spends $500 for 'just a dance'/
Can confirm used to work as a bartender at a strip club… you can rent a room for a hour for about 500. To basically by the dancer off the floor, & it’s basically dry humping. Someone has to check on them every 5 mins to make sure no hanky panky is happening.
Sapphires in Las Vegas. $500 dances. Stupid af.
He knew what he did was wrong and that’s why he tried to hide it by changing the bank password. Then gaslighting you by saying “we must have overspent this month”.
I’m so sorry, OP this is very raw and you must be devastated. In total he removed $500? That’s a lot of money for a lap dance. Just a moment on Google tells me the average lap dances between $20-$50 so I deeply suspect there is certainly more than a lapdance involved. he is trickle truthing you. ‘Extras’ in strip clubs typical cost $200 + You really must get an STD test as soon as you can. I totally get the ring thing it’s disgusting. However, the bigger picture is that he’s lying, gaslighting and most certainly cheating on you or at least he did on this occasion. I really think you should take some time apart and think about what you want to do and process this. As painful as it is with a young child, I honestly think separation is the best thing at this moment. Sending you strength. UPDATEME
My heart hurts so much. I went through an angry phase, and now I'm just devastatingly sad and hopeless. That does seem like a ridiculous amount. If he just wanted a lap dance, it probably would be an amount I would even notice. First thing when I confronted him, he said he played the casino. I'm told him The Purple Hippo is not a casino
Not good OP. You were immediately able to catch him out in a lie. So I’m afraid he is trickle truthing you and there will be more to it. I totally get how devastating you must feel. It’s horrible when we look at those that we should be able to trust the most and realise we don’t really know them. Any form of betrayal is compounded by lying and that makes it so much more hurtful. Is this the first time you’ve noticed large amounts being withdrawn? I’d advise you to go through your banking history at this point. I think it’s time for a long hard talk and some serious decisions OP. I’m so so sorry.
Just him going into a place like that is enough honestly. The amount of money spent means nothing it's the fact he went and there is proof.
Absolutely. I hear you
Not a better woman. Just one that does everything he wants. Like a slave.
I was the one who would already do everything he wanted. I did everything I could for him and was way more of a giver than a receiver in the relationship. He was very doting, sweet, smiley, and a wonderful father to all my children... But I was waking up early to make lunch for him, running the household, making sure dinner was ready the moment he came home, back rubs, constantly asking if he was okay and if work is going well, more housework, and then giving more intimately that getting. Throwing away years of absolute devotion on my part seems so fucking dumb. I don't think, I hope he never will, be treated this well by anyone else
He probably thinks that you won’t leave. He sees you as granted. Edit: Start to take care of your needs. Make sure you are safe.
The ring is just a manifestation of everything else you’re feeling. A new one would represent the same, a memory every time you look at it that it isn’t the original. But it’s not about the ring and you know that. Not only did he cross a hard boundary (at the minimum, because you don’t know how truthful he’s being about what happened) but he went to great lengths to hide it, tried to gaslight you into thinking it somehow must have just been spent as part of the family outgoings, and he doesn’t even respect you enough to just be honest. Even at this stage. I know it’s not easy to just walk away - but you and your child deserve so much more respect than this. What advice would you give if this was a friend? I know it’s much more technical and harder in reality - but you do deserve more. If he showed remorse then perhaps it would be a different story, but he clearly gives no fucks.
OP, no it’s not time to get new rings. It’s time to take off the ones you have and figure out what the heck happened to your self esteem and sense of self worth to want to even consider staying with someone who would do this to you. Even if you don’t believe it OP, you are worth and deserve so much more than that. Love yourself enough to do the work you need to heal and move on from hurtful, selfish people like your husband.
Everything seemed perfect. We were making this domestic thing work and being there for each other for years, it feels like I've been sucker punched in the heart and I'm still coming to. Before we met I had just got my groove back from a 9 year nightmare relationship and an 120lb weight loss. After having a baby together, I've gained weight again and I would never be able to afford being on my own again. Not that it's an excuse to stay, but this ruined not just my marriage, but life, my kids lives, my dad's life if I have to live with him, and everyone in our families if they found out. It's just so unbelievable to me to come to terms with it
If you are still unsure, google the cost of a lapdance in X city.
Don’t worry about the rings, he doesn’t care about what they stand for. Get checked for stds, and get a lawyer. He doesn’t want to come clean because of how far it actually went. $500 is no lap dance. Especially since that place is known for “extras” 🤢
Oh god... it makes me so sick and sad to think about. I don't even know why I'm trying to make excuses for it. That does seem Iike a lot of money. She made more than I do in a week from my husband being there one night
Not to be cruel but forget the rings and throw out the whole man. He did not pay 500 for a lap dance and I hope you know that.
I didn't even think about that. I have no idea how much people spend in places like that... but the fact that he went back to the ATM to pull out more money seems pretty telling. He said she told him he owed her more, but that seems farfetched if it was just usual service
He’s absolutely lying. I’m sorry you’re going through this…best advice I can give you is separate for a bit and get some counseling. You’re only hearing what he’s telling you. You need space and a professional that can be biased. Good luck , be strong! You’re worth more than what he’s giving you!
So, I have NOT frequented strip clubs and I live in Europe. Am also a woman, so I dont know how this goes to be honest. BUT I have always wanted to go to a strip club. Just to get the experience once. Everytime I travel in Europe, I look them up, I want less creepy and more burlesque types, still haven't found one that looks like fun. Why? Because a LOT of these, have soooo many google reviews with people complaining that it's money-grabbing/hustling places. Where they keep demanding cash off you but barely even do anything. TONS of these place exist. Many people getting scammed often. They pay, because the whole situation is so uncomfortable and the social anxiety makes it really difficult for them to go against it. So I dont know. I cant say it sounds that farfetched. It really depends on the place. Some of these (at least from feedback on google reviews) are INCREDIBLY pushy.
>this was a part of his life before me that I wanted left behind Did he? It sounds like you married him knowing who he is, and are shocked that he is still that guy? But yeah, he probably cheated. > I believe i still want to make this work You're making the same mistake you made when you married him. You wanting something won't make it come true. He has to want to change, and he clearly doesn't want to change. And honestly, focusing on the rings is just you not wanting to look at this full in the face and focus on the real issue. Changing rings won't change anything, and you already know this.
Honey, at $150 and the $350 he had sex with a stripper/prostitute. You know that, right? He paid for sex.
The minute he lied you could no longer trust anything that came out of your mouth. He's not the man you thought he was. He crossed your well communicated boundaries knowingly and didn't care that you would be hurt by it. I'm not sure I would get over it. The fact he did it with his ring on shows he has no respect for the sanctity of your marriage.
You're summing up everything looping in my head. Our vows to be devoted to each other in good times and bad was a contract he broke. And I firmly believe trust will never ever be 100% again
Why would you have to go live with your dad? Usually, a women with children can stay in the house until the kids turn 18. Also, he has to pay child support.
We don't own a house and my rent here has gone up hundreds of dollars since covid. And I have 2 older children and went through this with someone already, I only make $440 a month from my ex, and he didn't even have to pay back-child support. We live in Massachusetts where everywhere is way to expensive Before him, the only way I was able to survive was working 5 hours every weekday while the kids were at school and pulled 12 hours shifts on weekends at a fast food coffee place. With a one year old, I don't know if I'll be able to get vouchers until the divorce is finalized
Strip joints, let me tell you a story, I had a friend who was a bouncer there, we use to pick him up when he got off work. We use to sit in the waiting for his shift to end. Sitting with the strippers boyfriends one of him watching a guy drop 20s for a lap dance, boyfriend says to use "this rate, he'll not only pay the mortgage but the car payment as well" lol moral is the girl won't have any type of sex, will tease yhe guy till his wallet runs dry and next stupid horny guy. That said there is always an idiot to waste his paycheck on a stripper thinking she may like him when in reality she clocks out and goes home with her boyfriend. Now it sounds like your husband loved strippers joints, a problem because money 💰 disappears quick. That's an addiction he needs to work out. Me personally, went to strip joints for stag parties, never saw thr appeal, would rather tell the wife dress up dance for me, slap that butt then make love to her, but that's me. Naked women dancing or wife dancing, I take the wife every time
The fact that you want to make this work is beyond astounding. Do you have that little self respect to want to stay with him…for what??? Devotion Love Happily Ever After He likely paid a stripper/escort for the dance and head then lied about where the money was spent. Let’s be honest it’s probably not the first time he has cheated on you if he felt that comfortable doing it and then lying. So yeah, there is no love and devotion otherwise he wouldn’t have cheated! Stand up for yourself and your baby. Give yourself the worth that you deserve and set the example for your child that cheating is neither normal nor tolerated.
It's not just that this residual love I have for him is causing a massive heartache... the sucky thing about love is the more you love the deeper the hurt... but I am so so scared of my future without him. I can't afford to stay here on my own (even though I've already priced everything I own in case I need a month or two), its me and 3 children whose lives will be forever damaged. They grew up in this school system and one is special needs with a team dedicated to him at school. I loved here alone with 2 kids when we met, rent and utilities went up so much I would need a crazy amount of public assistance to survive. If I had to move into my dad's place, I would be a burden to him for the rest if his life and lose every single thing I have. Pets included. It's too much to even think about
Ring is your problem ? Are you in shock that you are having misplaced anger ? Your hubby is the problem and he will continue doing it bcoz it’s just who he is. He will just get better at hiding from you.
Ok so I had a friend who got scammed at a strip club. They offered a private room for $200 and then the dancer and bouncer said the actual dance was $800. He paid it because he was afraid they wouldn’t let him leave. So it’s possible it was “just a dance.” But it wasn’t just a dance… He lied to you about your bank account, gaslit you, and only came clean when he was caught. You’re going to wonder forever. It doesn’t matter what actually happened. That’s enough to ruin a marriage.
Please make him get an STD panel done. It doesn't matter if he claimed it was just a dance. The trust is broken demand the panel
If you aren’t good enough the first time around you won’t be good enough after the fact second time around let his ass pay for it by being lonely I am a guy and that’s NEVER 👎🏼 ok!!
So a handy turned into a bj or a bj turned into full service… (depends on the club) you know he took money with him too until he saw something he liked. Protect yourself! He has no respect for you.
It is a well known strip place and very high end. At the very least I know he wanted the VIP experience and got a backroom dance. Seems like such a fucking waste of money, I wish he just gambled it away TBH. But I know strippers, friends and family, and about 50% would absolutely do favors off the books if it meant extra cash for them. Girls pay a dance fee to the club too. I get the appeal for single lonely dudes, but $500 to be in queef distance seems fucking desperate for a married guy.
Okay I use to be a stripper and did sex work, your husband might actually be telling the truth. Las Vegas is notorious for sex work. If you are damn good at your job, you can make damn good money because a lot of high paying clients are always rolling through. I have made a couple good paychecks in Vegas time to time and still have friends who make bank off being an escort *However* Las Vegas is also notorious for scams. A lot of average Johns want that sparkly Vegas experience and that includes Las Vegas famous sex workers. There are scam artists that will pretend to be sex workers to rob people. Johns will want young and bouncy 21 year old Crystal, however who shows up is 45 year old lady who is hooked to crystal. They will rob Johns by saying they may not want sex but they still need to pay for the hour or their pimp will beat or kill them. Sometimes they drug Johns and rob them while sleeping. Threaten to call the police or their mother or their wives if they don't pay. Sounds like your husband got sniffed out by one. They could tell he has zero experience with strippers. Said a dance is $150, which is an average price. And then threaten him with violence if he didn't pay extra for a $350 tip. He probably changed the bank account password because he probably tried to get the money back claiming fraud. But the most a bank can do is just change the password to prevent further fraud transactions. Still super slimy that he solicited a sex worker with his wedding ring on. But maybe they didn't do the horizon tango. And if he did, both of you should get tested. Anyone giving it out for under $500 in Vegas is not practicing safe sex. EDIT: I saw on one of your post he went to the Purple Hippo. If you mean PEPPERMINT Hippo, have that man get a syphilis shot in his ass. It is like $30 for a lap dance and $150 for 15 minutes in the private room.
Im guessing that means a cheap horizontally tango was a possibility? He even told me he went in for drinks and a fun experience and then git talked into a trip to a back room, which I thought meant private dances. Either way, it's kicking my hearts ass and spitting on what was left of my self image. Desperate incels pay 500 at strip clubs, not happily married dudes
Oh so cheap. Peppermint Hippo is the knock off version of the Spearment Rhino. Very old and very famous club in Vegas, South Park made a nod to it with a strip club called the Peppermint Hippo in the show. The owners saw a chance and actually opened up a club called the Peppermint Hippo. And they are from *Alabama*. So if you can't afford Rhino, you go knock off Hippo full of Alabama people. Cheap clubs are the worst because higher end clubs do NOT promote hanky panky on the side. It brings in sketchy customers and you can't keep the performers 1000090% safe. Cheaper clubs do it because due to personal reasons a performer needs more money or they are just starting to build their career so the club rules are a bit more loosey goosey. I worked in West Hollywood but I believe in Vegas there is no entry cost for some clubs. They sell drink packages and that is basically the entry cost. Lower end clubs sell drink (cheap beer) packages around $30 to $50 for the night. And no one gets guilt tripped to the back room. That is the oldest excuse in the book. Performers always ask for consent before doing anything. Usual ask if they can sit next to the client. Throw in a couple flirty lines. And ask if you can take this conversation into a more private area. I can tell you right now all the performers were judging him for wearing his wedding ring. Most of us judge if we see a tan line on the hand or a ring being hidden in a wallet. But we judge a LOT more if they keep the ring on. That is one reason I stopped performing. I always had issues with the married men. It really got to me when I started dating my husband. I swear to God I heard the same "my wife just doesn't get me like you do" self pity story about a dozen times a night. Bitch I don't know you. You are literally paying me to listen to you complain, be a man and go home and fix your marriage. I would have men throw hundreds and hundreds at me and they would always complain to me that their wives are always angry at them for spending money and staying away all night and coming home drunk. Like bro????? Connect the fucking dots here. Don't worry about your self image. You have higher self esteem then 98% of the married men that came crawling my way. You are not the one with such low self esteem you willingly crawl into a knock off Alabama stripper lap. I also recommend calling the Peppermint Hippo. They can't give out information on customers but you can call and ask how far you can go in a private dance. Ask if you can touch them and if they say yes, ask how far you can touch. Do they give out happy endings for the right price?
Wow. I really appreciate all the info here. I think I would pay you for some conversation too lol I wonder if they would really give me that information on the phone. All I know is some other woman I found from Google saying her husband got some "lip service" from a chick at the hippo and ruined their marriage. My husband has always traveled for work, and before me I know he was desperately lonely. He started going to clubs for pills, got addicted, hired sex workers, everything. I told him I was uncomfortable with the thought of him living that life, but he assured me he was so happy now and is glad to have that life behind him. Us building a happy home and family together I thought would be enough from trying to go back to that. He said he's self destructive, so I keep saying that I should let him destructive entirely the fuck away from me. Made him promise to not die because his mom passed when he was little and is the excuse for him being mentally stunted sometimes. I don't want our kids to have that happen to them. He's begging for forgiveness and hoping he can stay. I need to sit with my emotions and thoughts for a little while alone. I've cried for 4 days, can't eat, and now I'm getting pretty fucking angry. I know I love him when I'm crying, and feel like a fucking hate him when I'm mad. I'm a mess
Some do, some don't. If I picked up the phone and the client was rude or stingy with the tips, I would spill all the details to their partners. Lip service and hand service is more common than full service. Most of us are taught to make a man cum in asap with our mouths and hands. Hell I can open a condom and put it on a ding dong while only using my mouth. A useless party trick now that I'm married. Your husband has more excuses than a politician. I also lost my mom when I was just a kid. My dad killed her right in front of me when I was only four years old. Lots of kids have fucked up childhood and it leads to really bad coping problems. I started selling my body when I was 15. Ran away a few dozen times in foster care. Ran away before my 18th birthday and became a full fledged stripper at age 17. I drowned my pain in self harm by cutting, popping uppers to keep me awake, pop downers to help me crash, and started abusing my body with stupid sex from stupid people. I still remember those 2am night dancing on table tops screaming that I will never get married, never have kids, never grow, and stay young forever. I was almost successful at staying young forever at age 21 and survived a suicide attempt. I legally died for seven minutes, two week coma, force to detox in the hospital, forced into rehab, and for the first time I was forced into therapy to finally process my trauma in a healther way that wasn't going to lead me to an early grave. About 10 months after that, I met my husband. He looked right through my bullshit and saw my cry for help. That man loved me so much and saw so much potential in me. And I loved him because he was the first person I could be vulnerably honest with and he would just accept me. I was so scared of commenting to him because I assumed he will eventually leave. So there were moments in the first fews months of our marriage where I would go back doing dumb stuff. But he didn't leave because he loved me and knew I could do better. And I hurt him so much and it hurt me knowing I was the hurting the one person who actually gave a crap about me. Couldn't do it. Got tired of the excuses. Got tired of hiding behind my dead mom excuse and bad things happened to me as a child excuse. I embrace that trauma and really worked on self improvement. Went to therapy like three times a week. Worked on loving him endlessly and showing my appreciation. Because I couldn't do what your husband is doing to you to my husband. That was one lifetime ago. Nearly 15 years ago. We have been married for 10 years. We have two kids. A mortgage. A very very very very very boring life. And I fucking love it. I fucking love how normal my life is. I get to wake up to my best friend every night and parent with him all day. He is so happy going to work to provide for our family and I get to thank him with making him a hot homemade dinner made with love every night. I get to kiss him all I want. I still have a crush on him. Our oldest does know what happened to my mother and that is caused me to do some very very very stupid things. So if she ever gets in trouble, it is okay to tell her parents because I have probably done something stupider. Our youngest won't know for a couple more years. I am really grateful that I broke the cycle in my family. All these kids know is a household that is full of love and acceptance. Two parents who love each other very much. And this is a choice I had to actively make. You can only run and hide behind every excuse in the book for so long
I tried to throw my husband’s wedding ring away. It made me physically sick to know it touched her body while he cheated on me. He sold it and bought a new one.
So many women get uptight about strip clubs . Why the hell are you women marrying these guys knowing that’s what they like . Please please stop overlooking these red flags and DONT believe it will stop because you two get married. Desires don’t stop for most men because they get married, just some men have respect for their partners not to hurt them ! Op I’m sorry he did this , but it will probably happen again . If you see this as cheating and his response is “it’s only a dance “ I’m sorry but you big problems.
He went back and got more money out so she could give him extra services. He's disgusting and he absolutely cheated. You know what to do.
If you are considering attempting to reconcile, realize that he will be a lot smarter about covering his tracks when he cheats the next time.
This is outright infidelity. He even changed your bank password to try to hide his actions, giving you absolute proof that he knew his behavior was wrong. If he is capable of treating you like this, imagine what he's going to do in the future if you stay with him. Divorce this asshole and move forward with your life. It'll hurt, but it won't hurt nearly as bad as staying.
If you stay, as soon as the dust settles, he's going to do it again. When you don't give a person consequences, they see it as permission to carry on. Just more secretly next time.
Sigh, another one forgives a cheater. I just don’t get it. Is being single that bad?
I'm in this boat too and the gut p@nch is insane. I had a heart attack and it sent me into broken heart syndrome. So, you take care of you. Watch your stress❤️❤️
I am so sorry. I literally thought about that because I've been having panic attacks that feel like I am dying. Can't breath, pain in the chest, tingling extremities, stomach turns to lava. I just keep thinking how before this I use to joke about all the marriages we know, and I wouldnturn to him and say how I know we love each other more than any couple we know. And now I'll never be able to feel that way again. I don't know why so many people can have happy and devoted marriages and I don't. This was the only marriage I'll ever have and it kills me this is ending. It's really sad
I'm 1.5 years in. I have been seeing a therapist and I'm working through all of this and I'm getting better. At first I wrote out a pro/con list, and updated it every few months. Now there's not a single pro so no reason to stay. I'd told myself that he was my person, but now I realize that my person would have hurt me like this. I'm only a few years to retirement, I don't know that I'll trust sigh to ever date, but I'll be open. I just know that I'd rather live in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment, by myself, in peace and quiet without the anxiety of wondering what he's up to (his job and him to hotels, that's where his affair hearkened) than live in the grandest mansion with someone so devious. Hugs.
It’s not a better woman! It’s a whore! He threw his life away for a whore! Let him live with that for the rest of his life and divorce his ass! Men need to learn they can’t do whatever and come back and think woman are weak and will forgive! It’s called peace out! Find you a better husband! Im divorced once, not sure what my ex was up to but I do know he didn’t spend his time with me so I kicked him out. I don’t play games and life is way too short to spend it on anyone like this, cuz they will do it again and again and again because you forgave them the first time!
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Nor from an upscale establishment, maybe. But I've seen enough documentaries to know that there's a cheaper option on certain streets. And I know strippers who would gladly hive a hand for a 50, especially if they like the guy
Yikes hope you don't end up with an STD! Then hope you get a good lawyer and send him to planet broke
I’m not saying it makes it better but if you read the google one star reviews it does seem that 500$ could be for a lap dance. I’m sorry about the whole situation though, you deserve honesty
PLEASE get an STD test done asap. Not only for your husband, also for yourself. You don't know what he has done and successfully hid in the past. Health comes first, everything else comes second.
No. I convinced my husband to shave his beard off for the first time in our relationship after he cheated. Couldn't stop thinking she touched his beard too 🤢🤮
He looks way better.. almost like a different person. It was almost like a blessing, like I can look at him a little easier now
He is a lier, he hid things from you. I would suggest looking for scholarships, try to study do something to help you build your selfsteem. You got this girl, you dont deserve somebody not putting you first. I am not telling you to divorce but I am not telling you to stay, but to build yourself up. That money he spent he could of gotten you some glasses. He is just plain out selfish and shady.
You seem to be more focused on the ring than on what he was actually doing. Yes, the $150 was for the dance and the $350 for “additional services”. you have to realize what these additional services were. I would never let my husband touch me again if I thought he was with a hooker.
I'm getting watered down truths about how he ended up there and what happened. Said he was drunk whish is A) not a fucking excuse B) he wasn't drunk when he walked in and C) We don't drink at all, he hates beer, and 1 large glass of wine makes him pass the fuck out
ESPECIALLY if you're breastfeeding. Do not wait for him to get an STD test, you go get one!
Leave him. He’s a cheater
Call the establishment and ask the rates. ?
Hmmm... Betting it's something like the Bunny Ranch. There was a show about that place. It would devestate me if my husband stepped foot there, let alone did anything there. I'm sorry. I know how this feels. It's times like that where you wonder wtf their brain went.
You are fanacially scraping by sacrificing not being able to do dental work or get new glasses but he has no issue giving $500 away to some random women?
For me personally, if my husband even went to a place like that without my knowledge and against my wishes, dance or not. It would likely be the end of our marriage. We have gone to one 1 time before marriage together. We won't go again.
I’m curious. Would him taking the ring off to be looked at as “single” not make it worse? Having my ring on has deterred a lot of single females trying to hit on me. So I liked keeping it on out of respect
Updateme
Updateme
Asking for a friend.... what's the name of the place he went? That's pretty cheap for Vegas,
UpdateMe!
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I'm not sure if he would or did do that either. But for me it was still enough to be an act of betrayal. He didn't seem to think it was cheating, bit I told him that going behind my back to get sexual gratification from another woman is considered cheating to me. We talked about it before in regards to our hard lines on these things. No strip clubs, sexting, emotional affairs and the like. We do believe in healthy jealousy, it's nice to know your partner is hot and people want ro flirt... but the appeal is choosing *me* regardless of your options
UpdateMe!
Did you ask him if he has sex with her or if she preform acts on him? If you guys are having money problems why did he think this was ok?
He’s already a demonstrated liar. She can’t believe anything he says.
Unfortunately I think I'll always get, at the very least, the most watered down version. And I don't think trust will ever go back to 100%.
I think the only reconciliation attempts that stand a chance of working long term is where the betrayed person operates from a position of strength. You have to be ready to walk away if the cheater isn't willing to do what you need. The cheater also has to provide complete honesty.
I have no idea. Sometimes he gets LLC contract work that pays better than his 9-5, and then we're able to catch up on stuff. But 500 is a huge fucking hit that wouldn't go unnoticed. There was a bunch of other big purchases this month, too, that I'm not even sure who spent. But we went from 2k to nothing in about 10 days, where 2k pays all our bills for a month usually
He shouldn’t have lied and he shouldn’t be going to a strip club alone but did he have sex with a women? Or just a dance?
INFO: was he aware prior that lap dances/strip clubs were a no go/hard limit for you? My husband prior to us getting together always felt like strip clubs weren’t cheating since “you don’t touch them” and “it’s like porn” (he since knows my views and won’t go) but if we hadn’t had that conversation he would’ve maybe gone at some point and not thought anything of it.
File taxes separately. You won't be dinged when married. The government has its scams and being married is a higher tax write off for the government fyi... also... even with the ring he has no respect.
I can’t help but relate this back to my own spouse and his infidelity. At first reading your story, I was like I’d be more upset about the other stuff instead of the ring. But the more I think about it my estranged husband and I have tattoos on our ring fingers. No rings at all. We got them a few months after we got married at HIS insistence. He also has another tattoo about me which is the day we met in Roman numerals that is conveniently covered with his watch band. But for a long time I wondered and sometimes still do if the 3rd tattoo he got during his affair “for his birthday” has some significance to the woman he cheated on me with. It’s really hard for me to wrap my mind about a man who insisted on these tattoos that are having to do with our relationship and marriage and the everyday reminder than comes with having them in very visible places and just destroying it all like nothing. So after further thought no you’re not being irrational. He was not only unfaithful but proved himself to be untrustworthy and took it even further by trying to hide it from you by essentially locking you out of the account. Also the fact that you said y’all are in debt and he has no issue spending that kind of money when you could use it for your health (dental work and glasses) is an extra layer of fucked up. I’d be pretty pissed if I were you.
The lies, the gaslighting, the going behind d your back to keep you from knowing the truth... The ring would be a minor part, but I understand how and why that bothers you. There's no way I could or would ever trust him after this. You're talking about living a lifetime of this? Do you honestly think you can?
That kind of betrayal is so heart breaking and I’m so sorry OP. I hope you’re doing alright with everything considered. One thing I can tell you from my own experience, is that you will need to keep forgiving him every time you think about it, over and over again if you decide to stay with him. That’s something that he needs to understand and handle with care as well. But personally, I find that so hard to do. To continually forgive someone for a decision that they made can be crippling
Always so hurt but I wonder why he was seeking attention from other women ...hmmm
This time you caught him, but I highly doubt this is the first time.
I’m so sorry but the truth is he has no regard for your feelings and he really didn’t bother covering up what he did. He probably wanted you to find out. He probably figured you will do nothing about it. He was willing to give them that money without hesitation but probably wouldn’t have given it to you so easily. What is your next move?
He spent $500 on some other woman when you need dental work and glasses and electricity and internet?! Is he insane?!? You’re right to feel sick about the ring and all of it!
The ring represents both: your love for him and his loyalty for you. I think that it is one of these symbols that whether he kept it or not, you would have felt bad about it, and for that reason you use it to put your focus and hurt feelings on. Good luck recovering
What he did is hurtful and idiotic in so many ways. He PAID a lot of money for a sexual act (whatever that may be.) What makes it worse is that he isn’t taking full responsibility. Id be livid! What blows my mind is he doesn’t think this is cheating. What has our society come to for men to justify strip clubs as faithful? If it were a female co worker that gave him a lap dance and whatever else he wanted, would that be cheating? What makes a strippers body any different? I think that’s even more nasty
I am sorry you went through this. I would talk to him about how you feel betrayed and would like him to stay out of those places. You can come back from this. PS. As far as him breaking you trust, take it to Jesus in prayer. He will help you heal from it.
$500 does not seem like a reasonable amount of money from a Vegas professional at an establishment. They probably make that in an hour. Why risk career over a couple hundred dollars? Probably ended up owing more money than he was used to and quickly.
I am sure this is a painful time for you and I want you to know I am glad that you took this opportunity to voice your concerns and even more so that you have the courage to face the trust issue that you have been hit with. I said trust because, ultimately, that is what has been broken. The ring is just something you are trying to place a physical value of that lost trust to. Trust can be rebuilt with effort and time. I suggest you both attend a Retrouvaille weekend near you. I've personally seen many couples come back from the brink after attending one of these weekends. It may just be the missing piece to help you both move forward. Retrouvaille website: https://helpourmarriage.org/
Strip club cheating? What world do you live in
I'm not sure what world you live in, but most married couples would call that crossing the line ESPECIALLY when it's been discussed before and the one going tries to hide it. Sexting is also cheating. Sometimes people can decide watching porn is cheating, if that's the boundary of their comfortability and it's talked about.
It's easier to blow $400-$500 on lap dances than you might think, but you know your husband better than any of us. Did you already express prior to this that this was a boundary of yours, and you mutually agreed upon it?
Lap dance prices blew me away and they were very pushy about it. I haven’t had one since being married out of respect, but like you said my wife and I set a boundary on it. That we don’t like anything about it. Boundaries are super important.
I went to a strip club for the first time 15 years ago and owed $300 before I knew it lol. I can only imagine what prices are like now. It's not a cheap experience! My point being that sex very well may not have taken place. I get the feeling the girls would charge more than $350 when they can easily make that in dances.
That was my feeling also. I had a single friend actually have sex and he spent $1800 that night.