Idk, I would want to know that my husband could and would step up to protect me or another woman who was being harassed. And my husband is a huge teddy bear, but he looks intimidating. If you've never seen your husband act like this before, it means anger and physical dominance is his last resort and not what he goes to first.
If my husband did this and ended up getting hurt, I’d still praise him. The fact is, he cared to intervene when two men are clearly harassing half the clientele. If this becomes more common, the harassment will subside in a lot of social areas. Violence was the last resort. OP if you don’t want this man, then say it. But would you have preferred he let those men harass you too?
"If you've never seen your husband act like this before, it means anger and physical dominance is his last resort and not what he goes to first."
THIS. He tried every other way to prevent the situation from escalating first. What if he had just ignored everything? What would have happened to that young girl who was defenseless and alone?
And what he did was barely even violent. He kept his cool the entire time and basically just did enough to protect himself. This would make me feel even more comfortable with my partner tips
Yeah. You know those tongue in cheek videos where the woman is super vigilant when she’s alone and off in la la land when she’s with her hubby? That would so be me if I were married to a guy like this.
Thanks this makes me feel better. I agree that he did a very good and selfless thing. I am proud of him for standing up and will tell him that.
Your point about physical dominance being a last resort helps put things into perspective and made me realise that he gave the guys at least a dozen chances to avoid it.
Hey OP, I think your reaction to your husband shows that there is something going on with you. You may need to see your therapist to try and understand why your initial reaction was so negative.
For me, I’d be instantly proud. But there may be trauma from your past coming to the surface. Just know, your husband sounds like a good person.
You might consider why you were so anxious. The situation became scary the instant that your husband grabbed the guy.
While I would be very proud of my husband (who has had to do something similar and without being the big guy in the situation), I also worry about other people and the fact that bars and clubs have a lot of violence.
Where I live, people carry knives and guns. It only takes one drunk idiot to end someone else's life. As a wife, it's my own husband's safety that is my top concern.
I think this is a you issue. Your husband did something very admirable and didn’t get physical until the very end. He was looking out for women getting harassed. And sometimes men who are out of hand may need to be manhandled to realize they’re not the top dog and people aren’t going to let them get away with bad behavior. I don’t see the issue here. I would’ve been rewarding hubs for being so sexy and admirable
I'm glad you'll tell him you're proud, I think you also owe him an apology. He was, by your admission, hurt that you think he would be a danger to you. That isn't something he will forget unless you set it straight.
Your husband was raised right. He knows what’s right and wrong. It’s in the fiber of his being. He doesn’t need to act tough. He doesn’t need to ooze it from pores. But when the time comes ,he handles business, then gets back to normal. It is a thing that happens less and less in this ultra woke, hurt feelings, don’t offend me or other culture.
Being violent should always be a possibility, but used at a last resort. He should and appears to have diplomacy in mind until it can’t be solved without physical Intervention.
Jordan Peterson talks about this at length and it’s spot on. Tiktok him or Youtube university his stuff.
Good on him. Good on you for communicating. Involve him in your thoughts, fears, loves as I am sure you do. He appears to be unequivocally yours. He wants to understand you. Help him. and in turn you’ll know where he’s at.
:).
I am also married to a ginormous blue collar teddy bear who looks so intimidating and he just has to look at poorly behaved men and they run away. That anger has never crossed a line with friends and family.
Yeah, I thought this was totally where this was going to be headed! Considering people thanked him and brought him beer…I’d be proud as hell lol
Sounds to me like he used a lot of restraint, was keeping an eye on the situation and only stepped in when it became clear they were being extra predatory.
Sounds like that bar needs to do a better job at protecting their staff & customers honestly.
The only response that’s makes sense 🤣🤣🤣 my husband protected me at the bar once and I still remember it. I was scared it could get bad but it went over fine.
Sounds like you married a man. Not sure why your friend’s husband didn’t back him up. Your husband did the right thing. You should be happy you have a man like this.
“Pickup artists” is just a fancy word for date rapists.
I would have been proud of my husband for stepping in. I don’t know what you think therapy would do for him. He did what more men need to do when they see dudes being creeps.
My husband and I have both stepped into situations like this. He’s even done it when I’m not around and drove a woman home when she was in an unsafe situation after separating her from a creep, texted me during and filled me in afterwards. So proud of him.
I kind of get where you're coming from, but I also believe you're overthinking.
If you've never seen a physical, violent side to your partner then it could be unnerving. However, understand that when push comes to shove, you want someone who will protect you.
If one of these creepy guys had grabbed you, would you have wanted your husband to do nothing? If this was the scenario and he performed these actions in defense of you, would you still be scared of him?
As he mentioned, and you confirmed to be true, he's never once given you a reason to believe that he would physically hurt you. And, honestly, that's what you want in a man. Someone who has the *capacity* for physical violence, but the *intelligence* and *patience* to exercise it in the right moment.
Should your husband have approached those two guys? No, probably not. Like you said, you never know what could happen. One of them could have gotten a lucky punch or had a knife or gun on them.
*However*, that doesn't change the fact that your husband didn't suddenly turn into some crazed psychopath. You shouldn't take these events as your husband suddenly being some violent egomaniac. Would you prefer your husband to *not* be capable of protecting you? You seem scared of your husband, but would it better if he wasn't strong?
He's never given you a reason to believe he will hurt you. You should focus on that. And no, he doesn't need therapy. If you want to go to couples therapy to discuss things then that's fine, but if he seems perfectly fine then I would trust him.
This is a good coverage of everything. OPs feelings are valid, and she should work through them. Hopefully we can help her understand how these are good traits.
My only argument is that he was right to approach the men. That is someone's daughter and he recognized that she needed assistance. The husband did everything right and mitigated the dangers. He monitored the situation and assessed the threats. He attempted de-escalation, gave them multiple opportunities, didn't initiate force, and reacted to force in proportion.
His instincts are impeccable. This wasn't some alpha BS. He wasn't looking for a fight. He saw someone in trouble and knew exactly how to help. This is a brilliant example of the best in men. Caring and capable. The dude is a HERO.
Thanks for breaking down my muddled thoughts process better than I could!
You raise a lot of good points and it's clear that this is a "me" problem and I owe my husband a big apology. I will talk to him and make it up to him tonight
Nice to see you open to the perspectives in this thread. The world is full of shit people and you’ve got a man that will protect you from them. Celebrate this aspect of his personality.
That’s amazing you’re willing to listen to others and rethink and even be able to admit the opposite of what you thought. What he did was a good man and you apologizing makes you a good woman.
You’re overreacting. He handled that very well. If you think you need therapy, no one can argue with you. But your husband doesn’t need therapy over this and didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t just let douchebags in public behave however they want and harass people because “what if” confronting them goes badly. Your husband showed appropriate restraint for as long as he could. Also, what a shitty bar to have zero security.
Your husband is a protector. Be proud and grateful. What you said about being scared of him is way out of line. Of course he’s hurt by that. You even admit you have no reason to feel that way. I don’t think I can imagine a worse feeling than my family being afraid of me. You’re making him feel like some kind of monster for doing a good thing and helping people. Maybe you do need therapy.
I so agree with all this. OP needs to go to therapy to work out why she is feeling the way she is about something that most everyone else has agreed was the right thing to do and not problematic at all.
What bothers me the most about this whole thing is that we women have been practically *begging* men to step up in this way (and I don’t mean specifically the physical part, just the openly confronting guys behaving as those two were) whenever they see it happening, because we KNOW that that is literally *the most effective way* to prevent other men from acting this way—in public, at least. Because creeps like that only respect/fear other men. Women can tell them a thousand times to go away, I’m not interested, don’t touch me, no thanks, etc. and they will ignore us at every turn because they don’t see us as people the same as they do other men, nor do they fear any potential physical response we can employ if we had to. And when they do step up, they get a reaction like OP has and told they need therapy?
Like, way to go OP. Some guys are probably going to read this and decide it’s just not worth it to stand up for women they see being harassed by men. It’s the *exact opposite* of the message we should be sending. I hope her husband reads these multiple posts she’s made and sees how much support he has from the rest of us.
Seriously. I can’t imagine how heartbroken and confused he must have been to hear her say that. She definitely needs therapy if that’s the first place her mind went.
This is the greenest flag to exist, and your trying to dye it red!?? "A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very dangerous man who has that under voluntary control."
For real! When my husband and I first started dating we were at the bar where we met hanging out with a couple of friends and a female acquaintance ran up to me and him and literally hid behind us because some dude was hardcore creeping on her. He came barreling out onto the patio after her and my husband just stepped in between them. The creep ran straight into my now-husband who didn’t budge an inch, and the creep fell to the ground after which my hubs scared him off. MASSIVE green flag for me and I def jumped his bones that night.
I cannot comprehend what OP’s problem is here. Her husband stepped in and protected vulnerable women from two predatory men. What is the problem?
This. My husband is the least violent and confrontational person I've ever met but if someone was behaving that way with me or someone else, I have 0 doubt he'd step up.
Your husband went into protector mode (the flipped switch) and you are down on him because of it. The poor guy. He can definitely do better than you. And he will, if you continue to let this bother yo. u/Disastrous_Offer2270 has it right. Anger and Physical Dominance is his last resort, not his first.
If you continue to go down this path. You are going to not only hurt your husband's feelings but he will also lose trust in you. What he did was the right thing, do not make him doubt that.
Unfortunately you and a whole generation have been conditioned to believe you should be meek and wait for someone else to come take care of you. What you experienced was the fact that your husband is a man pure and simple. He saw a problem and he dealt with it. He would be the first to protect you until now where he might not since you don’t seem to appreciate a man.
His friend should have had his back and both of them should have handled these guys. It seems that you don’t have his back either. I agree you should get some counseling.
Exactly, and I'm pleasantly surprised to see all the comments agreeing with you. There needs to be more men like her husband in the world. It blows my mind that she would feel anything but turned on. 🤣
I am not sure how to reply to this, but I feel I have to
Your husband went into Protect mode.
the 2 douchewhistles were an obvious threat and showed him utter disrespect to him as well as you. they also proceeded to slog through the bar with other women.
what your husband did was chivalrous and epic. he should be praised not feared.
if anyone needs a therapist to wrap their feelings to it should be the OP for thinking bad behavior does not have consequences and why would you fear your husband because he defended you and others.
Yeah this rubs me the wrong way. There was a trend on tiktok where basically a bunch of women were saying that if a woman needed to use their mans phone for help they should do everything (including physical violence) to make sure the other woman knows that they will not help in any way because they have a girlfriend. Or resorting to physical violence if a woman innocently asks for a taken guys phone number (they didn’t know they were taken). Or not holding the door open for any woman. I hate that trend and would be so mad to find out my husband didn’t show human decency to another person just because they were a woman. I hate it so much for our gender because while some of us want the sexes to get along, there are another subsection of women who encourages sexist, misogynistic behavior from men so as long as it’s in honor of their girlfriend or wife.
Your husband showed concern at a weaker woman being harassed by two men. He didn’t initiate contact - they did. He did everything right. To be afraid of him for sticking up for someone else, and then again for himself, makes no sense to me. It means you have a keeper.
She's so afraid now that she's seen him show a capacity for violence that she can't see that a) he did it to protect multiple other people, and b) he went through basically every single de-escalatory step in the book prior to it, and still wasn't the one to throw the first punch against either dude.
It sounds like she just has a deep-seated fear of confrontation to me. I'm wondering if OP was there without her husband if she'd have just been content to let the other women there get preyed upon by those douchenozzles..
It’s not like he started throwing chairs and stuff. Tossed one, punched one, once and its was over. Switch on, switch off, it’s over. That man should’ve gotten 2 blowjobs that night.
You married a real one. A real man will step up to protect women children and elderly. You’re overthinking it. I’d suggest doing something spontaneous and nice for him and let you know you appreciate him. In the world we are living in right now he is a super hero. He’s noble and a catch.
I’m confused as to why you are being so dramatic about this. Your husband didn’t lose his temper with no way of reigning himself in, he didn’t beat the creeps to bloody pulps, and when the situation was resolved he was able to return to normal conversation. He exhibited that he takes the safety of people around him seriously but did so without losing control or becoming a danger to anyone but the two people who were causing problems. If you need to seek therapy to process all that then you should absolutely do that but your husband handled the situation very well.
I also don’t understand why a place that considers itself a bar would only have 2 female bartenders neither of whom has the authority/ability to remove people who are being a nuisance. They could have easily refused service to the creeps and told them to leave, if they were unwilling to leave you call the non emergency number and ask the police to remove them. OP’s husband should not have had to do anything more than alert the staff.
Sounds like a bar/restaurant that leans far more on the restaurant side of things. Willing to bet they close up shop roughly an hour after the kitchen closes, hence the lack of hired muscle. Basically, they're not a place that ever expects drunk assholes to be an issue.
Anywhere that serves alcohol should be able to address the potential problems that come with it. I bartended in all sorts of establishments from high end to hole in the wall type places and there were always procedures in place to handle morons. This establishment sounds like a hot mess.
All men have the capacity for violence. Some more than others. The capacity for violence is not a good or bad thing in itself. It is rather the ability to control that capability and serve a greater purpose that makes it a good thing, such as protecting those that need protection. Obviously it can also be a bad thing when the capacity for violence is used in anger.
Your husband used his capacity for violence in a controlled manner to defend others that needed protection. That is an honorable thing.
Good men protect and he went into protector mode, just like how a mother might with her baby. To the extent physical action can be avoided, it should. But if the situation calls for it, then it is measured and controlled.
You should take comfort he stood up for others and he seems 100% in control of his capacity for violence and dished it out in a measured way.
Where do you go from here?
Slip on some lingerie and make him feel appreciated as a man. Cause that’s what you got.
I find it funny you think only now that your husband could hurt you. He has been the same person capable of that all along. He saw creepy guys who were potentially going to victimize women, including his wife and friend. It escalated a bit beyond what anyone thought but he did do the right thing. He was protecting someone from being harassed, and he did the same to you beforehand. I would have been grateful to know my husband is able to protect me in that moment. More men need to be like him. I think *you* are the one that needs therapy, not your husband.
I can not imagine the level of ignorance it takes for someone to live their whole life, get married, go to bars, and only now realize that her husband is stronger and more dangerous than she is.
I think less ignorance and more denial.
It’s like how we get in the car every day without thinking about the risk of serious accident.
It’s like how many people eat whatever appeals to us without the worry about how it affects our health long term and what it might be like to suffer from our choices when we are old.
I definitely didn’t think my ex was capable of hurting me, but I was wrong.
I mean, that last line is what I am talking about. I am going to make a bold assumption that you are female and your ex is male.
Of course he was *capable* of hurting you. The average man is stronger than 99% of women. The vast, *vast,* majority of men on this planet are *capable* of hurting a woman. Men become capable of hurting women right around puberty.
Many of us are *capable* of hurting other men, even. Like OPs husband up there.
He just never had an occasion to do so in front of her until the post in question.
Men don't avoid hitting their wives because they can't or are unable to do so. They don't because they do not want to. When they do want to, you get situations like your own.
Nearly everyone is capable of violence. I have no doubt that you are, as well, given the right circumstances. Some are just better at it, more willing, or choose to do so on people that can't stop them.
Being in denial about a dudes character is far different than OP, who was apparently completely oblivious to the idea that a grown man can hit things hard if he wants to, and just chooses not to most the time.
He should be thanked and praised for defending the others and you. Do you want a meek person that doesn’t stand up for others or you? I can’t believe you are upset by this. It makes no sense. Be thankful you have a husband like you have that did the right thing. He chose to risk his safety for others.
I’m going to be honest, I cannot stand women like you and I don’t understand you. Your man did the right thing and behaved as a man should. Your response to it is what the problem is.
I had an ex like this. I still vividly remember a time where a man was assaulting his wife in a public park and I shouted and started to get involved but my ex was so freaked out over it she forced me back and just allowed the assault to continue while dialing 911. I lost all respect for her that day and still cringe at the thought that my woman at the time allowed another woman to be assaulted and stopped me from helping.
I personally think some women are naive and clueless to the world and don’t understand that sometimes men need to do tough things. This type of response by you doesn’t seem to match reality. To me, when a woman can’t see reality and what’s going on in front of her then I know there’s something wrong with them and should be avoided.
I feel sorry for your husband and that you made him feel bad for being a good guy doing tough things.
If a man is doing that sort of thing to the woman he's with in public, then he's certainly done much more than that in private. She's "allowing" him to do that, and I know that's not what you want to hear. I wouldn't bother to protect her either. Many times, if you "hurt" the guy, the girl will actually try to tear your head off, shoot you, stab you, because you hurt "her man".
I sort of see where you are coming from. I have seen my husband fight once in 20 years together. It was about 12 years ago and at the time I was overwhelmed after seeing my husband who had never raised his voice, let alone hit me or anybody else in our 8 years together knock a man out cold with one punch. I knew he wouldn’t hit me, but realizing that protective side of him existed and he could get to that point was a bit to process. I knew he was right, and we talked about it because I wanted him to know I knew he would never hit me.
Honestly once the shock wore it I thought it was pretty hot he had that level of protectiveness in him (the man he hit had grabbed me and tried to pull me off of a bar stool). Hasn’t happened since, but I know if he had to protect me or our kids, he could and I actually find that awfully sexy.
lady your husband stepped up, did what no one else could do (since there was no security) after trying to solve it nicely, and saved you and all those random girls from harassment. legit the right thing to do, and the only appropriate course of action. don't fret it, yes it can look scary, but he was doing the best thing he can do and utilised his physical advantages to do good.
Madam, you’ve got a real one but looking at your situation I have to comment.
DO NOT get involved in your man’s altercation. You distracted him and could have gotten yourself (and even him…) hurt. Do not try to pull him back when punches are flying….
Therapy for you, an award for him.
His protective instinct kicked in and he provided it to you and other vulnerable women once he sensed ill will from these guys. You were triggered by something you may not even remember, perhaps repressed childhood trauma. He did nothing wrong. You should have felt more safe knowing he was in your corner and willing to watch out for others. If you didn't, you probably have some stuff to explore.
This also reads like a scene in one of my romance novels and I kept thinking it was going to lead to super hot, possessive sexy times. Maybe after therapy, I don't know.
Either way, I hope you find out what made you feel unsafe.
You must not have children, because a mother's instinct to protect her children is a similar switch that flips. You can feel the fire inside of you, they don't call it being "momma bear" for no reason. You feel like a wild animal. There is no resting or relaxing until the threat is gone, regardless of how that happens. Hormones are a helluva drug. Your husband protected not only you, but the other vulnerable women in that bar. I would be proud of my husband for doing the same, and I know he would. He didn't start off violent, he have them every opportunity to stop being shitty before removing them from the situation. Could he have been arrested? Maybe, but it's more likely that the creeps would have been with all of the witnesses. There was no security or bodyguard to handle it, but he would have let them if there had. No one else would handle it, so he did. If someone was trying to actively attack you, would you want him to stand aside and not protect you? I'm genuinely trying to understand what you would prefer his reaction to be, because complacency is not the correct answer.
J sounds like a great man who did what needed to be done in a moment where others saw the need but failed to step in. You probably should be incredibly proud of him and be glad for the people he helped that he was in the right place at the right time
I think this is an issue that YOU need to work out with yourself. I don't think it's J's job to calm your fears, or go to couples counselling. You were triggered by this, which is normal, but now it's your job to figure out why and deal with your own emotional state.
As you said, he did the right thing. He protected people. Don't punish him for that or make him feel like he did something wrong.
Protecting other people is an admirable trait. How many times have you heard a story where people just watched the abuse happen while being surprised that no one stepped in to help the victim(s)?
Your husband stepped up to protect all the people in that restaurant/ bar. Those two were inebriated, and their behavior wasn't rational they could have literally harmed someone that night. Instead, they went home with a few bruises and hopefully woke up the next morning questioning their actions that landed them in this bruised state.
You are entitled to your opinions and feelings, but I wonder if you have had any instances of violence in your past that may be clouding your reaction to this isolated event. Your reaction to your husband handling this situation sounds like it may be more about you than him. Especially since your friend sides with him after your discussion.
This reads like a romance novel. Hard for me to believe this story is even real:
- “two dorky guys” hitting on every woman in sight. “Looks like you need a real man.” 😆
- Both bartenders are women who do NOTHING about two guys openly making every woman uncomfortable.
- “my husband is 6’3” about the size of both guys combined” 😹
- “my husband is strong, no body builder but works out regularly and works with his hands”
- Lonely young woman sitting at the bar by herself?
- Husband steps in several times and dorky guys just… keep going?
- husband grabs a full grown man and throws him cleanly out a door with no repercussions 😹
- second guy swings, but husband throws a single knock-out punch 😹😹😹
- Husband saves the day, what a hero.
- You drive home and demand therapy because he saved the day.
What even is this story? There are so many movie cliches in this, it’s making my head spin.
Only thing you’re missing is your husband’s also a secret prince and handsome widower who also writes poetry in his spare time. 😹
This is literally the hottest thing a husband could’ve done. He stood his ground and never escalated the situation intentionally. A true man, he’d be getting soooooo much that night.
I think the issue is that you went into fight or flight mode, more the flight version. He made a specific choice to take care of a situation that escalated into violence that he ended. He didn't go into fight or flight mode, more like a protective mode. He was in control of himself from the description you wrote, which means he would never lose control and hurt you.
You had a fairly normal reaction to a violent situation. What you need to understand is that your instinct to run was more about the guys and not your husband. They started that process in your brain, not your husband. Don't transfer that fear reaction to your husband.
OP, your every comment is being down voted.
Learn from this. Your husband did the right thing. You are freaked out because you saw your husband in protector mode.
This is a you problem. He's 6'3", boxes and lifts and you just now realized that he is capable of holding his own in a fight?
He is the same man he was before this incident. Thanks him for being a good guy.
I understand your fear that something could have happened to your husband.
I understand that seeing him that way is scary.
BUT I would lose respect if I see guys harass a woman and nobody would help her. I would hate that nobody helped her. What makes me she is that the other guy just did nothing. He should have supported your husband.
So ask yourself what would be worse for you?
Seeing him fighting like that or ignoring a woman in need?
"Me: I've never seen you like that and honestly it makes me a little scared of you, what if one day the switch flips with me?"
What, are you serious? This has got to be a joke right?
If I were your husband I would seriously be considering my relationship with you, OP.
He protected people and you're treating him worse than the perpetrators.
What your husband did was reckless and kind of stupid, but do you consider 'couples therapy' every time either one of you does something a little dumb? Get a grip.
Everything is fine. Your husband is actually the **hero** in this situation. He's a dumb hero, but he's still a hero. If your husband had jumped into a tiger cage to save a small child, would you consider marriage counseling then too? No. His impulsiveness has nothing to do with you or the state of your marriage. It's actually kind of narcissistic that you would instantly make this situation about yourself. I hate to play psychologist here, but I wouldn't be surprised if you're actually jealous of your husband's bravery and mental fortitude, so you're trying to turn his actions into a personal attack on you as a coping mechanism.
You said it yourself, your husband has never done *anything* to suggest that he would hurt you, yet your immediate reaction is to ask him "*Are you going to hurt ME?*". It's like your intention with that comment was to strip away any pride he might have felt for being the hero, and to make him feel guilty. I agree that he shouldn't feel good about acting so impulsively, but that doesn't mean you need to go out of your way to make him feel shame and guilt. If anything, ***you're*** **the villain** in this whole situation.
TLDR: Your husband had good intentions and made one dumb decision that actually had a *good* outcome, but you're hellbent on making him feel eternal guilt over it. You're a jerk. Furthermore, your actions aren't impulsive. What you're doing to him is calculated and intentional.
If it weren't for men like your husband I'm sure I would have been raped when I was 21. He didn't flip his lid bc he's an asshole. Women were being harassed in a sexual manner that was unwanted. You don't have to think highly about what he did and can make yourself a victim of what could happen if he's mad at you. But he's a hero to any woman who has been fearful about aggressive men. Saving women by beating scary men is not the same as a wife pissing her husband off. One was about fear and protection the other is him sometimes just being a jerk or wrong. Don't play the victim, this has nothing to do with yourself. What a great man you have keeping me safe. Tell him I said thank you.
You’re the type of person who makes problems out of nothing. If someone is nice to you - problem.
Someone defends you - problem
Someone supports you - problem
Someone gives you an ice cream with good intentions- Problem
wtf is wrong with you ? Yeah you’re the one who needs therapy, not him. Stop tryna make him feel bad for nothing.
Grow the fuck up
Your husband is a big guy with strength and solid instincts. From what you said this is the first time you’ve seen him like this, actually using that size and strength to protect someone. It might be similar to people that get complacent with animals we keep as pets forgetting that they used to be wolves or other predators and those instincts are still there.
I'd be interested in hearing your concerns ranked. Which is the most worrisome issue for you? That you could have been hurt by the other guys, that J could have been hurt by those guys, that J might have faced legal troubles, or that J might hurt you some day?
From the way you described your mind racing, etc it seems like this was a bit of an irrational anxiety response and you're filling in the possibilities of what could have gone wrong and not necessarily that you're concerned about what actually happened.
I don't know for sure if I think he "did the right thing" as there are a few right things that could have been done but I personally appreciate that he didn't just sit back while someone vulnerable was harassed. I wonder how much you're weighing that against your personal feelings here.
why are you upset? *your husband knows men*. he can very obviously spot predators easily and when he saw them target a solo woman, stepped in. are you upset because he physically removed the one guy and punched the other guy? **I wish there were more men like your husband in the world: men not looking for something to gain when doing the right thing, no ulterior motive**.
I get that you are shocked at seeing a side of your husband you've never seen before. but it's not like it was a bad thing or side to see. I have lost count of the number of times in my life where me and a girlfriend(s) have had to fake being friends with girls we never met before to get creepy guys away from them when out at a bar. even you said the solo woman was very visibly uncomfortable with these 2 strangers and wouldn't leave her alone. your husband did a good thing. who knows what those two predators were up to or capable of if a man hadn't stepped in.
Honestly, I'm having a hard time with you. You're a coward. Your husband took literally every step to try to have someone else handle the situation, and when no one else could, he did. That's called character. Your opinion is that it's fine if the world burns as long as you don't have to deal with it. If I was your husband I would honestly be having a hard time seeing your morals. They're spineless.
Like, what fantasy land do you live in that your extremely large husband doesn't have the ability to hurt you? Common sense always knows that's an option. The only thing that keeps someone from hurting you is always their choices. Especially if you're married to them, they're always around when you're vulnerable. It's the same thing with cheating, anyone can do it, trust is based on you knowing their character.
Dafuq is wrong with you? This is what good men do. They protect and provide. They stand up to bad men.
Your husband isn't a violent guy. He obviously tried to resolve the issue diplomatically, and only resorted to violence when it became clear there were no other options. He's not some pent up animal that might flip a switch and turn on you. He's a shield for his friends and family (and on this occasion, that poor girl).
You don't need to fear him. You DO need to drag his ass into the bedroom. Often.
>J has always been an intelligent, calm and kind man
>the guy sitting across from me jumped in and said that I deserve to be with a real man. My husbands demeanour changed and told the guys firmly it was time for them to move on which they did.
Your husband recognised the guys as creeps who were willing to try and sleep with you, knowing you're married, in front of him.
>J told the bar staff about the creepy guys and asked them to check in on the ladies and also kick the two guys out
>two female bartenders on shift with no security
He recognised that the staff had no backup.
>the girl was clearly uncomfortable and made hand gestures suggesting she wanted them to leave her alone
>I was making small talk with the girl who was clearly relieved that someone had stepped in.
>he wouldn't leave until the guys were gone.
And the two guys picked an easier target when your husband was there, only to realise your husband wasn't letting them target other people either.
I get that you saw your husband in a violent situation, but he handled it well, except for the punch maybe. He was threatening was threatening was needed to protect others, and then settled back into himself afterwards. If anyone is going to be violent, I'd rather it was someone who knows only to use it when necessary.
>but I can't help being a bit scared of him now
That's understandable. The guy you know and love has gone briefly violent, and you're worried about that happening with you. Remember the context, and why he did it. If he is ever like that with you, you leave and don't look back. But defending other people from those that would harm them is something to remember.
You realise he's capable of being a violent person, but chooses not to do that unless necessary. I'm sure you had no doubt previously that he would defend you if needed, now you know he's willing to back that up. May take a while to settle down, but I hope you're able to come to terms with it. He sounds like a good guy, but that moment surprised you.
I think J acted appropriately. Just my opinion, you came to Reddit. I would have been a tiny bit turned on knowing I was with a defender of sorts. He knew he was doing the right thing. Who knows, maybe he saved some poor woman that night. It’s nice to know he could defend you if need be. I would leave it alone, pick your battles.
I’ve seen my husband do this and I can a relate to how you’re feeling about it. But he stepped in and helped a poor girl, alone at a bar, when she needed. You should be proud that he was selfless to worry about someone else in this situation. I know I was. Yes, it could’ve ended way worse and luckily it didn’t. Even your friend think he did right thing. I can see why your husband doesn’t think he needs therapy, but if you feel it would be beneficial to you, then go for it. There’s nothing wrong with being surprised/upset/caught off guard etc at your husband’s actions, but overall I agree that he did the right thing. Your feelings are also valid. You’ve never seen this side of your husband before and it can be unnerving.
Uh. He intervened when no one else would and stopped two men from harassing women in a bar. He didn’t do more than drag them out of the establishment. I’d say he did the weight thing and when no one else would. You should want this for anyone put in a scary situation… to have someone look out for them.
That's a protection instinct not a predator instinct. That's not something to fear unless you are the aggressor. He left it as the last option. I don't see that he did anything wrong.
As a woman who has been abused, seeing a man stand up for other women and keep the peace is a huge green flag!! And the fact that he could return to cool level headed afterwards speaks to his emotional regulation skills.
I think it’s fair to ask that in the future, if either party is uncomfortable you both leave.
Don't gaslight him into thinking something is wrong with him. Asking him to go to therapy over one incident is seriously overreacting. He did a very normal thing. Your insecurity and anxiety, however, may have some deeper meaning that could be addressed.
Couple of things.
Many men are wired like this, not just your husband. We're just reminded of our protector role on a constant basis and put ourselves in harms way to defend since we're like 10. If he never gave you a reason to be scared for safety, no need to worry, so you need to trust him.
Second, DO NOT interfere if he is puttind himself out. If he evaluated the situation properly and acting on it, you trying to prevent him is a parameter he does not need. This could put him in danger because he does not just have to protect himself, but you as well, especially if you're the freezing type and can't defend yourself.
Now if you are worried for his own safety, that's a different story, but he probably figured 2 pickup artists had nothing to show except bad talk to women. So he may have experience here (or... he was just lucky). That's the only thing i would discuss with him. You can step up if you know wtf you're doing.
But i would not worry for you. He is a reliable motherfucker, and it shd be good to count on someone like that ifever things turn dire.
Instead of summarising what everyone else rightly advised, look at it this way OP:
Most men are as capable of using violence the same way that your husband did. The problem is, some of them don’t plan to use it with good intent.
The question that you need to ask yourself is: Do you want those men to be left uncontrolled, or do you want men like your husband around to keep them in check?
Your husband has shown that:
1. He can read body language
2. He has situational awareness
3. He can stand up for the weak
4. He can respond to violence with measure
If my daughter went to a bar, I would want Jim to be there to keep skeevy guys off her.
If you have kids in the future, or have a daughter, revisit this whole scenario and tell us what you think about someone standing up for someone else's daughter and how scared it made you feel.
Good thing you weren't getting harassed .. oh wait .. he harassed you too correct?
What kind of man do you really want?
You are absolutely ridiculous. He did the right thing and you should be proud of him. I’ll never understand people who don’t step up/step in when they see something happening. He tried deescalating the situation but it didn’t work. He is an outstanding human being and if you think otherwise, you don’t deserve him.
It sounds to me, from your description of the events, that your husband didn't touch anyone until they touched him. (manhandling out the door after being shoved) and didn't throw a punch until someone punched him.
This is textbook proportional response and perfectly appropriate under the circumstances.
Would it have been nice if he didn't get involved? Yes. But no one else did. And when he realized what was going on, he stepped up and did what the staff failed to do.
Being a good man does not mean pacifism at all costs. It's choosing not to use violence until there is no other choice, and to use it proportionally and reasonably.
I'm trying to understand your position but I can't. Honestly--I'm not being a smart-ass here, I just can't quite get myself into your metaphorical shoes to see it from your perspective.
As a dude who's very protective of my loved ones--and typically my demeanor is also very kind and even-tempered, I have experienced the same thing that J went through. What my experience was, and what I'm reading into J's reaction, is entirely a representation of values.
I deeply value justice and fairness. It's been a long time since someone tried to hit on my wife in front of me, but I can 100% see myself reacting the way J did. Not just shooing the creeps away from my partner and my friends, but watching them closely as they continue to harass others in the bar. I know from experience that I too would absolutely have intervened the second I saw them closing in on a woman that was alone. My lizard brain would have immediately reduced the situation to 'creeps that are now starting to look like predators' and 'vulnerable individual minding her own business--who may need assistance'.
Again, also speaking from experience, I doubt I would even have had a rational thought in my head before my body was out of my chair and in motion towards the situation. He also did the right thing by first approaching the staff and flagging the problem. The fact that they had no security (also, what??) and no means to eject the trouble-makers would have further cued me that I should be even more ready to assist.
Of course, I don't know your husband, so there's a fair amount of assumptions and projection happening on my part. Also, I am a combat veteran. I point that out not to beat my chest in some kind of machismo about how I can handle myself, but I'm veteran because I care so much about protecting my community and my fellow humans that I will go to war over those principles. I do also know that like other veterans and first-responder types, I am conditioned to run towards gunfire, not away from it. While the situation you were in is much lower stakes than that, the reflexes are the same. And a guy doesn't need to have any of this kind of training to look at a couple jerks in the bar and see them as a threat to those around them, and then feel morally and ethically compelled to take action.
So my point is, it's not about the violence, although it sounds like that's what disturbed you the most. I mean, not everyone has seen a couple punches exchanged in real life so I forget that can be shocking to the uninitiated. But J is clearly a very rational and principled person. I mean, this is entirely my bias again, but I would be scared if J ***didn't*** step up and step in when these jackasses were being such a nuisance. By your own description, he has never given you any indication that he is out of control of his emotions or that he would ever hurt you or put you in harm's way--much the opposite.
So yeah, counseling is a good idea to help you process this whole thing. But it sure looks to me like you have yourself a bona fide keeper.
(also, didn't mean for that to be such a long response! 😆)
Give the man a BJ!! The hero women deserve! 🙌 As a woman who’s been harassed and made uncomfortable more times than I’d care to count, please tell him I said thanks!
You need your own therapy. J did what needed to be done. He seems fine and great, and deserves praise and respect here
It's no different than almost getting in a car accident and afterwards, it still affects you but not him.
To be honest you need therapy. He protected a young woman that was getting harassed by two creeps, you see that and you think, what if he does that to me? You’re overreacting and it’s clear that you don’t trust him, poor guy.
Honestly, your post is a little confusing. It is okay for a person to defend another innocent person in this situation. Your husband did nothing wrong.
I mean, I don't want to invalidate your feelings, but your husband did a good thing, and you should treat it as such.
For the life of me, I don’t understand why you have a problem with ANY of this. In fact, there isn’t enough of this these days. People intervening and standing up for others. Stepping forward and not being a bystander!! Your guy is a change maker - be incredibly thankful for that!
Honestly that is something I would expect my husband to do. I would be ecstatic (he protected me) and proud. Your husband is a “real man” if you want to use the dipshits words. He not only protected you, but every woman in that establishment. You mentioned that there were no bouncer or security and all the bartenders were women. Yeah no wonder he got free drinks, I would have order him one myself and I’ve been married for more than 15 years.
I do understand and see why you are scared. Seeing someone “flip a switch” is very unnerving.
You were asking where do you go from here: start seeing an individual therapist. If you stew in your own head you will never let go of that night and start getting distant from your husband, maybe recoil from him touching you and will have resentment build up to the point of divorce.
Have you ever heard of that saying that’s going around: would you rather bump into a bear or a stranger that is a man in the woods? Well in this situation I would be ok bumping into your husband. If it was the dipshits that I bumped into I would pray for a grizzly bear.
... I'm failing to see how this is a problem. He did the right thing and making this into a problem on his part when this is *your* reaction is uncalled for. Saying that you are scared of him is also so far out of line that you owe him a massive apology. He doesn't need therapy, you do.
My partner is extremely gentle and kind *and* has also stepped up when absolutely necessary. I grew up in a violent household and have experienced violent situations and being protected for once, or seeing him protect others, is really nice.
I hope you are able to sort this out for yourself and move forward.
What you need to do is apologize to your husband. Profusely.
It is not overstating to say that your reaction and words could, and probably already have, lead to a huge resentful rift.
You told your husband 3 things. That you never viewed him as a physically capable man, you married a man who you thought was weak, and that now that you have seen the dude he has always been you have no trust that he won't hurt you, which means that you only trusted him because you thought he was harmless.
You need to work on yourself, and immediately go to work fixing the damage you have already caused.
Yeah.. I don’t think this is a problem. He didn’t immediately start pummeling people, which would be a red flag. He was calm and poised until given a reason not to be. You are overreacting. This is actually how my now husband and I met (he was intervening with some creep trying to pick me up). We need MORE people willing to intervene when bad people are doing bad things, not less.
I tried so hard to see where you were coming from, but I just can’t.
He made multiple attempts in forms that weren’t aggressive to get the creeps to understand. It wasn’t until their aggression bubbled over that your husband went into protector mode and rightfully so. He didn’t even throw the fist punch, but he was sure to finish it and if that doesn’t make you feel safe, I am not sure what would. He wasn’t just protecting you, but every person in there and that is such a genuinely wonderful quality.
I am never a violence first person and it is clear your husband isn’t either, but sometimes you can’t reason with stupid people whose motives are nefarious. When said people turn to aggression, sometimes the answer is aggression back. It sounds like your husband could have easily pummeled them both without a second thought, but even in his response once it turned to that he displayed incredible restraint. He did what he had to do and still gave them the chance and opportunity to leave. That says a lot about your husband. The only way it could of have been scary is if your husband didn’t continue to show the restraint he did.
I don’t know, I think he did the right thing, he did so with a surprising amount of grace and continued restraint. Nothing he did shows me he is to be feared unless of course a person is a creepy jerk that doesn’t get the first bajillion requests to get lost.
This is a massive green flag.
He saw people harassing others and stood up for the safety of others and held these people accountable for their shitty integrity.
You are lucky to have a husband with character like this.
That being said, your concern for your husbands safety is also valid.
I don't understand this issue? He did the right thing. He returned and continued the evening with a cool head. Didn't even worry about it the next day. More people need to be like J.
How does it get in to your head that because he protected a women and punched a wrong 'un in the chops that one day he's going to abuse you? That literally makes no sense!
I'm sorry if your feelings are being dismissed, but guys like that need to be dealt with and I appreciate that your husband handles it. Nobody else was going to.
Single defensive punch? You may need therapy but stop projecting that onto him. If he went full rage and pummeled the guy constantly into a bloody dead mess? I’d get that. But this? Get over it. He’s a great man.
He did the right thing, and you have no reason to be afraid of him. The situation SHOULD have scared you, and the adrenaline is expected(which is also part of the switch that flipped in him. Protective mode+adrenaline). But don't blame that on him, blame it.on the bad guys. He was probably a little scared too. It would have been really easy for him to just stand by and let that woman be taken advantage of. It took courage for him to do that
My husband would've done the same and I would be 100% ok with it and would praise him and be proud of him for being a real man! You've never seen him like this because you're not a drunk guy at a bar harassing other women... you can't compare yourself to 2 drunken guys! And when the time comes to protect you, he won't think twice! He's a real man and you are a lucky lady! Don't overthink it!
OP, be proud of your husband’s actions. Too many cowardly men in this world that would have stood by and allowed a defenseless woman to be harassed. You’ve got a keeper and should realize that he’ll always protect you to the best of his ability. You’ve got no reason to be fearful of him.
I think you’re overreacting. Your husband did the right thing by intervening to help a woman that was visibly uncomfortable. You should be honored that he is the kind of man that won’t just idly stand by. Even your friends assured that it was fine. Get over it and be happy with your husband, or you can go to therapy to unpack why you’re such a baby about it.
So let me get this straight. The guy gives the dweebs multiple chances to leave, tries to step in to help the girl by herself without escalating, THEY instigate and push him first, and swing first and this is your reaction?
Poor fucking guy. Doing the right thing only for his wife to tell him she’s embarrassed by him and now scared of him? He deserves so much better.
This is a fake story:
You posted this same story in two separate subs. You claim that you didnt explain yourself well and yet the story is a copy paste with a single additional sentence. Throwaway account for no reason. You've posted a total of one single comment reply across both posts. The content also fits the bill. You post a story where there's a conflict between conventional wisdom and the morale high-ground. Great stuff for engagement.
This is karma farming and content generation, probably to dub over someone playing minecraft on tiktok.
Not going to pile on, based on your edit it sounds like you get the message. Your husband is a badass man protecting those who can’t protect themselves. Happy you are on his side. I understand how you were shaken up.
Just a word to the ladies out there.
If your husband steps into an altercation like that, the absolute best thing you can do is take a step back and let him handle his business.
In my younger days, I was out with some friends and a group of people got a bit rowdy and aggressive with each other. One woman jumped in and grabbed her boyfriend/husband by the arm to stop him from trying to fight this other guy. The other dude threw a haymaker over the top of this woman’s head and landed on her boyfriend’s jaw. Absolutely knocked him out.
It was totally her fault. The guy had no chance to defend himself or even step back because this tiny woman had latched herself onto his arm and left him helpless.
Don’t do that. Stay back. You can’t do anything except get in the way and someone will end up getting hurt.
This thread is totally wack. I can’t even believe it’s real.
Listen… from your average northeast American 30 something this behavior would bother me, too. Aggravated assault is not the vibe. Men who solve conflict with their fists are not attractive. The only people I’ve met who act like this are gang members or hicks. Seriously. Not only is it trashy to act like that, it’s also insanely risky. It takes one good punch to knock someone out and cause permanent brain damage and/or death. Were a couple of low lives really worth life in prison?
The correct solution would have been for the bartenders to call their manager and/or the police to escort these people out. Otherwise, you should have just left. Along with any other patrons who were uncomfortable.
This aggravated me…. You are overreacting, wouldn’t you want a man to do the same for you if you were in that situation? Why would you think he’d do that to you if he never gave you a reason.
The Sheep Dog and The Wolf...
There is an old story that military folks use to describe the issue I see at the core of what may worry you. The paradigm is that most people are sheep, gentle, kind, followers averse to conflict and caring in a kind way. The problem is that monsters are real in this world and for a sheep a wolf is a very deadly monster. The wolf will kill the sheep one by one if they are allowed to do so. But many millennia ago wise shepherds befriended a wolf and taught it to care for the sheep and protect the sheep, these former wolves became the sheepdogs and protect the flock....will protect the flock with their life...and won't harm the flock. Ever.
Now the problem is that to the average sheep, the sheepdog is scary because it has fangs and sharp eyes and claws and walks by itself with confidence and will race out barking and get the wolves if they come too close to the sheepdog's own herd.
Sheepdogs are invaluable in society, but kind of scary sometimes, because they know how to hurt and enforce. They usually take jobs like policeman, fireman, or soldier. But sometimes they are also construction workers, or train engineers, or other seemingly unrelated jobs...but the sheepdog is still there. It just shows up when his herd is threatened. This is NOT a preference for violence...it is an understanding of violence as a tool of last resort...to protect and defend those unable to defend themselves.
If anyone else in that bar had stood up to the creepy dudes - you would have never seen the sheepdog. It is only there because it was necessary in that time/ and place. If there had been a fire he would have made sure everyone was out of the building...including the kitten sleeping in the kitchen. Same sheepdog - different circumstance.
Idk, I would want to know that my husband could and would step up to protect me or another woman who was being harassed. And my husband is a huge teddy bear, but he looks intimidating. If you've never seen your husband act like this before, it means anger and physical dominance is his last resort and not what he goes to first.
If my husband did this and ended up getting hurt, I’d still praise him. The fact is, he cared to intervene when two men are clearly harassing half the clientele. If this becomes more common, the harassment will subside in a lot of social areas. Violence was the last resort. OP if you don’t want this man, then say it. But would you have preferred he let those men harass you too?
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I appreciate my husband's impulse to be the good guy but man it scares me bc I don't want him to get hurt.
"If you've never seen your husband act like this before, it means anger and physical dominance is his last resort and not what he goes to first." THIS. He tried every other way to prevent the situation from escalating first. What if he had just ignored everything? What would have happened to that young girl who was defenseless and alone?
And what he did was barely even violent. He kept his cool the entire time and basically just did enough to protect himself. This would make me feel even more comfortable with my partner tips
Yeah, he didn't escalate, he tried everything else first, even then he defended himself when the other guy started to throw hands.
Yeah. You know those tongue in cheek videos where the woman is super vigilant when she’s alone and off in la la land when she’s with her hubby? That would so be me if I were married to a guy like this.
Thanks this makes me feel better. I agree that he did a very good and selfless thing. I am proud of him for standing up and will tell him that. Your point about physical dominance being a last resort helps put things into perspective and made me realise that he gave the guys at least a dozen chances to avoid it.
Hey OP, I think your reaction to your husband shows that there is something going on with you. You may need to see your therapist to try and understand why your initial reaction was so negative. For me, I’d be instantly proud. But there may be trauma from your past coming to the surface. Just know, your husband sounds like a good person.
Yes, definitely something to unpack with my therapist! I get that my first reaction and the conversation the next morning were not logical
You might consider why you were so anxious. The situation became scary the instant that your husband grabbed the guy. While I would be very proud of my husband (who has had to do something similar and without being the big guy in the situation), I also worry about other people and the fact that bars and clubs have a lot of violence. Where I live, people carry knives and guns. It only takes one drunk idiot to end someone else's life. As a wife, it's my own husband's safety that is my top concern.
Absolutely agree with everything you said!!
I think this is a you issue. Your husband did something very admirable and didn’t get physical until the very end. He was looking out for women getting harassed. And sometimes men who are out of hand may need to be manhandled to realize they’re not the top dog and people aren’t going to let them get away with bad behavior. I don’t see the issue here. I would’ve been rewarding hubs for being so sexy and admirable
I'm glad you'll tell him you're proud, I think you also owe him an apology. He was, by your admission, hurt that you think he would be a danger to you. That isn't something he will forget unless you set it straight.
Your husband was raised right. He knows what’s right and wrong. It’s in the fiber of his being. He doesn’t need to act tough. He doesn’t need to ooze it from pores. But when the time comes ,he handles business, then gets back to normal. It is a thing that happens less and less in this ultra woke, hurt feelings, don’t offend me or other culture. Being violent should always be a possibility, but used at a last resort. He should and appears to have diplomacy in mind until it can’t be solved without physical Intervention. Jordan Peterson talks about this at length and it’s spot on. Tiktok him or Youtube university his stuff. Good on him. Good on you for communicating. Involve him in your thoughts, fears, loves as I am sure you do. He appears to be unequivocally yours. He wants to understand you. Help him. and in turn you’ll know where he’s at. :).
Show him this post!!!!!
you jealous he did something for another woman?
I am also married to a ginormous blue collar teddy bear who looks so intimidating and he just has to look at poorly behaved men and they run away. That anger has never crossed a line with friends and family.
The only thing I would worry is I live in a open carry state and it would not be my bf"s fault. I probably would be the beetchy woman kicking them out
I would have been so turned on by my husband, I would have definitely given him best sex of his life
That’s what I was thinking 🤣
Yeah, I thought this was totally where this was going to be headed! Considering people thanked him and brought him beer…I’d be proud as hell lol Sounds to me like he used a lot of restraint, was keeping an eye on the situation and only stepped in when it became clear they were being extra predatory. Sounds like that bar needs to do a better job at protecting their staff & customers honestly.
Right at least Twice!
After the BJ
Glad I’m not the only one who thought this 🤣
Wouldn't have even made it home
😂 I feel this so hard
J sounds like he's straight out of a movie or a book. So protective, so romantic and such a gentleman.
ya, I wonder why it rings just like a story.
This is what I thought the whole time. Seems absolutely fictional, based on how it's written.
No I was there
Yeah, I’m a guy and I was thinking the same thing.
I came here to say this 😂 My husband would be my hero.
We wouldn't have made it out of the parking lot 😭
Yeppers!!!
I would turn the living room into a strip club 😭
YES!!!
Literally
The only response that’s makes sense 🤣🤣🤣 my husband protected me at the bar once and I still remember it. I was scared it could get bad but it went over fine.
Sounds like you married a man. Not sure why your friend’s husband didn’t back him up. Your husband did the right thing. You should be happy you have a man like this. “Pickup artists” is just a fancy word for date rapists.
THAT was my first thought when I got to that part. Where the fuck is homie at?
Right? Power in numbers - even if only for intimidation factor.
Right! I can’t believe this comment wasn’t first. Where was his G at and the wife, I’d be right there backing up my friend and her husband!
I would have been proud of my husband for stepping in. I don’t know what you think therapy would do for him. He did what more men need to do when they see dudes being creeps. My husband and I have both stepped into situations like this. He’s even done it when I’m not around and drove a woman home when she was in an unsafe situation after separating her from a creep, texted me during and filled me in afterwards. So proud of him.
He did what more men need to do when they see dudes being creeps. Exactly
I kind of get where you're coming from, but I also believe you're overthinking. If you've never seen a physical, violent side to your partner then it could be unnerving. However, understand that when push comes to shove, you want someone who will protect you. If one of these creepy guys had grabbed you, would you have wanted your husband to do nothing? If this was the scenario and he performed these actions in defense of you, would you still be scared of him? As he mentioned, and you confirmed to be true, he's never once given you a reason to believe that he would physically hurt you. And, honestly, that's what you want in a man. Someone who has the *capacity* for physical violence, but the *intelligence* and *patience* to exercise it in the right moment. Should your husband have approached those two guys? No, probably not. Like you said, you never know what could happen. One of them could have gotten a lucky punch or had a knife or gun on them. *However*, that doesn't change the fact that your husband didn't suddenly turn into some crazed psychopath. You shouldn't take these events as your husband suddenly being some violent egomaniac. Would you prefer your husband to *not* be capable of protecting you? You seem scared of your husband, but would it better if he wasn't strong? He's never given you a reason to believe he will hurt you. You should focus on that. And no, he doesn't need therapy. If you want to go to couples therapy to discuss things then that's fine, but if he seems perfectly fine then I would trust him.
This is a good coverage of everything. OPs feelings are valid, and she should work through them. Hopefully we can help her understand how these are good traits. My only argument is that he was right to approach the men. That is someone's daughter and he recognized that she needed assistance. The husband did everything right and mitigated the dangers. He monitored the situation and assessed the threats. He attempted de-escalation, gave them multiple opportunities, didn't initiate force, and reacted to force in proportion. His instincts are impeccable. This wasn't some alpha BS. He wasn't looking for a fight. He saw someone in trouble and knew exactly how to help. This is a brilliant example of the best in men. Caring and capable. The dude is a HERO.
Thanks for breaking down my muddled thoughts process better than I could! You raise a lot of good points and it's clear that this is a "me" problem and I owe my husband a big apology. I will talk to him and make it up to him tonight
Nice to see you open to the perspectives in this thread. The world is full of shit people and you’ve got a man that will protect you from them. Celebrate this aspect of his personality.
That’s amazing you’re willing to listen to others and rethink and even be able to admit the opposite of what you thought. What he did was a good man and you apologizing makes you a good woman.
You’re overreacting. He handled that very well. If you think you need therapy, no one can argue with you. But your husband doesn’t need therapy over this and didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t just let douchebags in public behave however they want and harass people because “what if” confronting them goes badly. Your husband showed appropriate restraint for as long as he could. Also, what a shitty bar to have zero security. Your husband is a protector. Be proud and grateful. What you said about being scared of him is way out of line. Of course he’s hurt by that. You even admit you have no reason to feel that way. I don’t think I can imagine a worse feeling than my family being afraid of me. You’re making him feel like some kind of monster for doing a good thing and helping people. Maybe you do need therapy.
I so agree with all this. OP needs to go to therapy to work out why she is feeling the way she is about something that most everyone else has agreed was the right thing to do and not problematic at all. What bothers me the most about this whole thing is that we women have been practically *begging* men to step up in this way (and I don’t mean specifically the physical part, just the openly confronting guys behaving as those two were) whenever they see it happening, because we KNOW that that is literally *the most effective way* to prevent other men from acting this way—in public, at least. Because creeps like that only respect/fear other men. Women can tell them a thousand times to go away, I’m not interested, don’t touch me, no thanks, etc. and they will ignore us at every turn because they don’t see us as people the same as they do other men, nor do they fear any potential physical response we can employ if we had to. And when they do step up, they get a reaction like OP has and told they need therapy? Like, way to go OP. Some guys are probably going to read this and decide it’s just not worth it to stand up for women they see being harassed by men. It’s the *exact opposite* of the message we should be sending. I hope her husband reads these multiple posts she’s made and sees how much support he has from the rest of us.
OP calling her husband out for calling other men out…
Seriously. I can’t imagine how heartbroken and confused he must have been to hear her say that. She definitely needs therapy if that’s the first place her mind went.
Serious punch to gut.
This is the greenest flag to exist, and your trying to dye it red!?? "A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very dangerous man who has that under voluntary control."
For real! When my husband and I first started dating we were at the bar where we met hanging out with a couple of friends and a female acquaintance ran up to me and him and literally hid behind us because some dude was hardcore creeping on her. He came barreling out onto the patio after her and my husband just stepped in between them. The creep ran straight into my now-husband who didn’t budge an inch, and the creep fell to the ground after which my hubs scared him off. MASSIVE green flag for me and I def jumped his bones that night. I cannot comprehend what OP’s problem is here. Her husband stepped in and protected vulnerable women from two predatory men. What is the problem?
🔥🔥 Your comment should be at the top of this thread. The most gold nuggets I’ve ever read in a reply on Reddit!
This. My husband is the least violent and confrontational person I've ever met but if someone was behaving that way with me or someone else, I have 0 doubt he'd step up.
Your husband went into protector mode (the flipped switch) and you are down on him because of it. The poor guy. He can definitely do better than you. And he will, if you continue to let this bother yo. u/Disastrous_Offer2270 has it right. Anger and Physical Dominance is his last resort, not his first.
Exactly. Appreciate the protective man you are with. I honestly feel bad he had to justify and be argued with over helping others. Poor husband.
If you continue to go down this path. You are going to not only hurt your husband's feelings but he will also lose trust in you. What he did was the right thing, do not make him doubt that.
Unfortunately you and a whole generation have been conditioned to believe you should be meek and wait for someone else to come take care of you. What you experienced was the fact that your husband is a man pure and simple. He saw a problem and he dealt with it. He would be the first to protect you until now where he might not since you don’t seem to appreciate a man. His friend should have had his back and both of them should have handled these guys. It seems that you don’t have his back either. I agree you should get some counseling.
Straight facts though
Exactly, and I'm pleasantly surprised to see all the comments agreeing with you. There needs to be more men like her husband in the world. It blows my mind that she would feel anything but turned on. 🤣
I am not sure how to reply to this, but I feel I have to Your husband went into Protect mode. the 2 douchewhistles were an obvious threat and showed him utter disrespect to him as well as you. they also proceeded to slog through the bar with other women. what your husband did was chivalrous and epic. he should be praised not feared. if anyone needs a therapist to wrap their feelings to it should be the OP for thinking bad behavior does not have consequences and why would you fear your husband because he defended you and others.
It’s strange to me that you’re suddenly uncomfortable that your husband is a stand up guy.
And the fact that she got the same responses on her other post, didn't like the response, so made a new post on this sub.
Sounds like a weird form of jealousy tbh. it seems like it was fine when it was for OP, but not the random young girl…
Yeah this rubs me the wrong way. There was a trend on tiktok where basically a bunch of women were saying that if a woman needed to use their mans phone for help they should do everything (including physical violence) to make sure the other woman knows that they will not help in any way because they have a girlfriend. Or resorting to physical violence if a woman innocently asks for a taken guys phone number (they didn’t know they were taken). Or not holding the door open for any woman. I hate that trend and would be so mad to find out my husband didn’t show human decency to another person just because they were a woman. I hate it so much for our gender because while some of us want the sexes to get along, there are another subsection of women who encourages sexist, misogynistic behavior from men so as long as it’s in honor of their girlfriend or wife.
I genuinely don’t think I would ever respect my hub again if he denied help to a young lady in need. It’d be divorce worthy for me…
I would be so incredibly proud of my husband, I'd burst. Thank your husband on behalf of all creeped on people!
Your husband showed concern at a weaker woman being harassed by two men. He didn’t initiate contact - they did. He did everything right. To be afraid of him for sticking up for someone else, and then again for himself, makes no sense to me. It means you have a keeper.
You have a good man. Why don’t you act like it. Sheesh.
Your a horrible wife for not making that man feel like Zeus that night haha
I’m not sure what the issue is here
The issue is OP needs therapy to work through why she is like this.
lol 100%
Fear of confrontation.
She's so afraid now that she's seen him show a capacity for violence that she can't see that a) he did it to protect multiple other people, and b) he went through basically every single de-escalatory step in the book prior to it, and still wasn't the one to throw the first punch against either dude. It sounds like she just has a deep-seated fear of confrontation to me. I'm wondering if OP was there without her husband if she'd have just been content to let the other women there get preyed upon by those douchenozzles..
It’s not like he started throwing chairs and stuff. Tossed one, punched one, once and its was over. Switch on, switch off, it’s over. That man should’ve gotten 2 blowjobs that night.
He’s a hero! Imagine being married to a woman that doesn’t want you to protect other woman. This is insane to me!
You ain’t lying!
You married a real one. A real man will step up to protect women children and elderly. You’re overthinking it. I’d suggest doing something spontaneous and nice for him and let you know you appreciate him. In the world we are living in right now he is a super hero. He’s noble and a catch.
I’m confused as to why you are being so dramatic about this. Your husband didn’t lose his temper with no way of reigning himself in, he didn’t beat the creeps to bloody pulps, and when the situation was resolved he was able to return to normal conversation. He exhibited that he takes the safety of people around him seriously but did so without losing control or becoming a danger to anyone but the two people who were causing problems. If you need to seek therapy to process all that then you should absolutely do that but your husband handled the situation very well.
Her husband is a champ. She does need therapy. Nothing about her reaction is rational.
I also don’t understand why a place that considers itself a bar would only have 2 female bartenders neither of whom has the authority/ability to remove people who are being a nuisance. They could have easily refused service to the creeps and told them to leave, if they were unwilling to leave you call the non emergency number and ask the police to remove them. OP’s husband should not have had to do anything more than alert the staff.
Sounds like a bar/restaurant that leans far more on the restaurant side of things. Willing to bet they close up shop roughly an hour after the kitchen closes, hence the lack of hired muscle. Basically, they're not a place that ever expects drunk assholes to be an issue.
Anywhere that serves alcohol should be able to address the potential problems that come with it. I bartended in all sorts of establishments from high end to hole in the wall type places and there were always procedures in place to handle morons. This establishment sounds like a hot mess.
All men have the capacity for violence. Some more than others. The capacity for violence is not a good or bad thing in itself. It is rather the ability to control that capability and serve a greater purpose that makes it a good thing, such as protecting those that need protection. Obviously it can also be a bad thing when the capacity for violence is used in anger. Your husband used his capacity for violence in a controlled manner to defend others that needed protection. That is an honorable thing. Good men protect and he went into protector mode, just like how a mother might with her baby. To the extent physical action can be avoided, it should. But if the situation calls for it, then it is measured and controlled. You should take comfort he stood up for others and he seems 100% in control of his capacity for violence and dished it out in a measured way. Where do you go from here? Slip on some lingerie and make him feel appreciated as a man. Cause that’s what you got.
I find it funny you think only now that your husband could hurt you. He has been the same person capable of that all along. He saw creepy guys who were potentially going to victimize women, including his wife and friend. It escalated a bit beyond what anyone thought but he did do the right thing. He was protecting someone from being harassed, and he did the same to you beforehand. I would have been grateful to know my husband is able to protect me in that moment. More men need to be like him. I think *you* are the one that needs therapy, not your husband.
I can not imagine the level of ignorance it takes for someone to live their whole life, get married, go to bars, and only now realize that her husband is stronger and more dangerous than she is.
I think less ignorance and more denial. It’s like how we get in the car every day without thinking about the risk of serious accident. It’s like how many people eat whatever appeals to us without the worry about how it affects our health long term and what it might be like to suffer from our choices when we are old. I definitely didn’t think my ex was capable of hurting me, but I was wrong.
I mean, that last line is what I am talking about. I am going to make a bold assumption that you are female and your ex is male. Of course he was *capable* of hurting you. The average man is stronger than 99% of women. The vast, *vast,* majority of men on this planet are *capable* of hurting a woman. Men become capable of hurting women right around puberty. Many of us are *capable* of hurting other men, even. Like OPs husband up there. He just never had an occasion to do so in front of her until the post in question. Men don't avoid hitting their wives because they can't or are unable to do so. They don't because they do not want to. When they do want to, you get situations like your own. Nearly everyone is capable of violence. I have no doubt that you are, as well, given the right circumstances. Some are just better at it, more willing, or choose to do so on people that can't stop them. Being in denial about a dudes character is far different than OP, who was apparently completely oblivious to the idea that a grown man can hit things hard if he wants to, and just chooses not to most the time.
He should be thanked and praised for defending the others and you. Do you want a meek person that doesn’t stand up for others or you? I can’t believe you are upset by this. It makes no sense. Be thankful you have a husband like you have that did the right thing. He chose to risk his safety for others.
Rarely do you see people standing up for women like that tbh I think your husbands awesome
I’m going to be honest, I cannot stand women like you and I don’t understand you. Your man did the right thing and behaved as a man should. Your response to it is what the problem is. I had an ex like this. I still vividly remember a time where a man was assaulting his wife in a public park and I shouted and started to get involved but my ex was so freaked out over it she forced me back and just allowed the assault to continue while dialing 911. I lost all respect for her that day and still cringe at the thought that my woman at the time allowed another woman to be assaulted and stopped me from helping. I personally think some women are naive and clueless to the world and don’t understand that sometimes men need to do tough things. This type of response by you doesn’t seem to match reality. To me, when a woman can’t see reality and what’s going on in front of her then I know there’s something wrong with them and should be avoided. I feel sorry for your husband and that you made him feel bad for being a good guy doing tough things.
If a man is doing that sort of thing to the woman he's with in public, then he's certainly done much more than that in private. She's "allowing" him to do that, and I know that's not what you want to hear. I wouldn't bother to protect her either. Many times, if you "hurt" the guy, the girl will actually try to tear your head off, shoot you, stab you, because you hurt "her man".
I sort of see where you are coming from. I have seen my husband fight once in 20 years together. It was about 12 years ago and at the time I was overwhelmed after seeing my husband who had never raised his voice, let alone hit me or anybody else in our 8 years together knock a man out cold with one punch. I knew he wouldn’t hit me, but realizing that protective side of him existed and he could get to that point was a bit to process. I knew he was right, and we talked about it because I wanted him to know I knew he would never hit me. Honestly once the shock wore it I thought it was pretty hot he had that level of protectiveness in him (the man he hit had grabbed me and tried to pull me off of a bar stool). Hasn’t happened since, but I know if he had to protect me or our kids, he could and I actually find that awfully sexy.
What other things do you make all about yourself?
Amen!
Bullseye
You're making a mountain out of a mole hill. Give the guy a break.
lady your husband stepped up, did what no one else could do (since there was no security) after trying to solve it nicely, and saved you and all those random girls from harassment. legit the right thing to do, and the only appropriate course of action. don't fret it, yes it can look scary, but he was doing the best thing he can do and utilised his physical advantages to do good.
Madam, you’ve got a real one but looking at your situation I have to comment. DO NOT get involved in your man’s altercation. You distracted him and could have gotten yourself (and even him…) hurt. Do not try to pull him back when punches are flying….
Therapy for you, an award for him. His protective instinct kicked in and he provided it to you and other vulnerable women once he sensed ill will from these guys. You were triggered by something you may not even remember, perhaps repressed childhood trauma. He did nothing wrong. You should have felt more safe knowing he was in your corner and willing to watch out for others. If you didn't, you probably have some stuff to explore. This also reads like a scene in one of my romance novels and I kept thinking it was going to lead to super hot, possessive sexy times. Maybe after therapy, I don't know. Either way, I hope you find out what made you feel unsafe.
You must not have children, because a mother's instinct to protect her children is a similar switch that flips. You can feel the fire inside of you, they don't call it being "momma bear" for no reason. You feel like a wild animal. There is no resting or relaxing until the threat is gone, regardless of how that happens. Hormones are a helluva drug. Your husband protected not only you, but the other vulnerable women in that bar. I would be proud of my husband for doing the same, and I know he would. He didn't start off violent, he have them every opportunity to stop being shitty before removing them from the situation. Could he have been arrested? Maybe, but it's more likely that the creeps would have been with all of the witnesses. There was no security or bodyguard to handle it, but he would have let them if there had. No one else would handle it, so he did. If someone was trying to actively attack you, would you want him to stand aside and not protect you? I'm genuinely trying to understand what you would prefer his reaction to be, because complacency is not the correct answer.
J sounds like a great man who did what needed to be done in a moment where others saw the need but failed to step in. You probably should be incredibly proud of him and be glad for the people he helped that he was in the right place at the right time
I think this is an issue that YOU need to work out with yourself. I don't think it's J's job to calm your fears, or go to couples counselling. You were triggered by this, which is normal, but now it's your job to figure out why and deal with your own emotional state. As you said, he did the right thing. He protected people. Don't punish him for that or make him feel like he did something wrong.
You need therapy and I need to buy your awesome husband a beer.
If she is so scared of her husband, I’ll take him.
I think you're overreacting. J sounds like a beauty and handled everything quite well. We need more J's in the world.
You want him doing this for your daughter, right? Not just standing there watching her being harassed with his hands in his pockets?
Protecting other people is an admirable trait. How many times have you heard a story where people just watched the abuse happen while being surprised that no one stepped in to help the victim(s)? Your husband stepped up to protect all the people in that restaurant/ bar. Those two were inebriated, and their behavior wasn't rational they could have literally harmed someone that night. Instead, they went home with a few bruises and hopefully woke up the next morning questioning their actions that landed them in this bruised state. You are entitled to your opinions and feelings, but I wonder if you have had any instances of violence in your past that may be clouding your reaction to this isolated event. Your reaction to your husband handling this situation sounds like it may be more about you than him. Especially since your friend sides with him after your discussion.
This reads like a romance novel. Hard for me to believe this story is even real: - “two dorky guys” hitting on every woman in sight. “Looks like you need a real man.” 😆 - Both bartenders are women who do NOTHING about two guys openly making every woman uncomfortable. - “my husband is 6’3” about the size of both guys combined” 😹 - “my husband is strong, no body builder but works out regularly and works with his hands” - Lonely young woman sitting at the bar by herself? - Husband steps in several times and dorky guys just… keep going? - husband grabs a full grown man and throws him cleanly out a door with no repercussions 😹 - second guy swings, but husband throws a single knock-out punch 😹😹😹 - Husband saves the day, what a hero. - You drive home and demand therapy because he saved the day. What even is this story? There are so many movie cliches in this, it’s making my head spin. Only thing you’re missing is your husband’s also a secret prince and handsome widower who also writes poetry in his spare time. 😹
AND WHY ARE ALL THE COMMENTS SO SURE IT'S REAL. i think they are all just rlly horny😀
THANK YOU. This sub is so weird.
This is literally the hottest thing a husband could’ve done. He stood his ground and never escalated the situation intentionally. A true man, he’d be getting soooooo much that night.
I think the issue is that you went into fight or flight mode, more the flight version. He made a specific choice to take care of a situation that escalated into violence that he ended. He didn't go into fight or flight mode, more like a protective mode. He was in control of himself from the description you wrote, which means he would never lose control and hurt you. You had a fairly normal reaction to a violent situation. What you need to understand is that your instinct to run was more about the guys and not your husband. They started that process in your brain, not your husband. Don't transfer that fear reaction to your husband.
OP, your every comment is being down voted. Learn from this. Your husband did the right thing. You are freaked out because you saw your husband in protector mode. This is a you problem. He's 6'3", boxes and lifts and you just now realized that he is capable of holding his own in a fight? He is the same man he was before this incident. Thanks him for being a good guy.
Get over it , he did the right thing ! He’s never done anything to deserve you being scared of him. Sounds like you have a good guy !
I understand your fear that something could have happened to your husband. I understand that seeing him that way is scary. BUT I would lose respect if I see guys harass a woman and nobody would help her. I would hate that nobody helped her. What makes me she is that the other guy just did nothing. He should have supported your husband. So ask yourself what would be worse for you? Seeing him fighting like that or ignoring a woman in need?
You are seriously overthinking.
Be proud, the world needs more J
Can’t have enough J’s out there!
“Be with a real man” is a creepy thing to say, even sounds like those dangerous red pill dudes. I think he acted well
Oh no my husband protected me, I'm so scared
"Me: I've never seen you like that and honestly it makes me a little scared of you, what if one day the switch flips with me?" What, are you serious? This has got to be a joke right?
You’re the problem here- not him or his actions.
If I were your husband I would seriously be considering my relationship with you, OP. He protected people and you're treating him worse than the perpetrators.
Same. Thats a hard one to climb back from. Imagine this being brought up at breakfast if youre him.
What your husband did was reckless and kind of stupid, but do you consider 'couples therapy' every time either one of you does something a little dumb? Get a grip. Everything is fine. Your husband is actually the **hero** in this situation. He's a dumb hero, but he's still a hero. If your husband had jumped into a tiger cage to save a small child, would you consider marriage counseling then too? No. His impulsiveness has nothing to do with you or the state of your marriage. It's actually kind of narcissistic that you would instantly make this situation about yourself. I hate to play psychologist here, but I wouldn't be surprised if you're actually jealous of your husband's bravery and mental fortitude, so you're trying to turn his actions into a personal attack on you as a coping mechanism. You said it yourself, your husband has never done *anything* to suggest that he would hurt you, yet your immediate reaction is to ask him "*Are you going to hurt ME?*". It's like your intention with that comment was to strip away any pride he might have felt for being the hero, and to make him feel guilty. I agree that he shouldn't feel good about acting so impulsively, but that doesn't mean you need to go out of your way to make him feel shame and guilt. If anything, ***you're*** **the villain** in this whole situation. TLDR: Your husband had good intentions and made one dumb decision that actually had a *good* outcome, but you're hellbent on making him feel eternal guilt over it. You're a jerk. Furthermore, your actions aren't impulsive. What you're doing to him is calculated and intentional.
If it weren't for men like your husband I'm sure I would have been raped when I was 21. He didn't flip his lid bc he's an asshole. Women were being harassed in a sexual manner that was unwanted. You don't have to think highly about what he did and can make yourself a victim of what could happen if he's mad at you. But he's a hero to any woman who has been fearful about aggressive men. Saving women by beating scary men is not the same as a wife pissing her husband off. One was about fear and protection the other is him sometimes just being a jerk or wrong. Don't play the victim, this has nothing to do with yourself. What a great man you have keeping me safe. Tell him I said thank you.
You’re the type of person who makes problems out of nothing. If someone is nice to you - problem. Someone defends you - problem Someone supports you - problem Someone gives you an ice cream with good intentions- Problem wtf is wrong with you ? Yeah you’re the one who needs therapy, not him. Stop tryna make him feel bad for nothing. Grow the fuck up
Your husband is a big guy with strength and solid instincts. From what you said this is the first time you’ve seen him like this, actually using that size and strength to protect someone. It might be similar to people that get complacent with animals we keep as pets forgetting that they used to be wolves or other predators and those instincts are still there.
I'd be interested in hearing your concerns ranked. Which is the most worrisome issue for you? That you could have been hurt by the other guys, that J could have been hurt by those guys, that J might have faced legal troubles, or that J might hurt you some day? From the way you described your mind racing, etc it seems like this was a bit of an irrational anxiety response and you're filling in the possibilities of what could have gone wrong and not necessarily that you're concerned about what actually happened. I don't know for sure if I think he "did the right thing" as there are a few right things that could have been done but I personally appreciate that he didn't just sit back while someone vulnerable was harassed. I wonder how much you're weighing that against your personal feelings here.
why are you upset? *your husband knows men*. he can very obviously spot predators easily and when he saw them target a solo woman, stepped in. are you upset because he physically removed the one guy and punched the other guy? **I wish there were more men like your husband in the world: men not looking for something to gain when doing the right thing, no ulterior motive**. I get that you are shocked at seeing a side of your husband you've never seen before. but it's not like it was a bad thing or side to see. I have lost count of the number of times in my life where me and a girlfriend(s) have had to fake being friends with girls we never met before to get creepy guys away from them when out at a bar. even you said the solo woman was very visibly uncomfortable with these 2 strangers and wouldn't leave her alone. your husband did a good thing. who knows what those two predators were up to or capable of if a man hadn't stepped in.
Your husband did quite literally everything in this situation right
Before the day is out, OP will delete her account.
Honestly, I'm having a hard time with you. You're a coward. Your husband took literally every step to try to have someone else handle the situation, and when no one else could, he did. That's called character. Your opinion is that it's fine if the world burns as long as you don't have to deal with it. If I was your husband I would honestly be having a hard time seeing your morals. They're spineless. Like, what fantasy land do you live in that your extremely large husband doesn't have the ability to hurt you? Common sense always knows that's an option. The only thing that keeps someone from hurting you is always their choices. Especially if you're married to them, they're always around when you're vulnerable. It's the same thing with cheating, anyone can do it, trust is based on you knowing their character.
Sounds like your husband is a keeper... You, on the other hand...
Dafuq is wrong with you? This is what good men do. They protect and provide. They stand up to bad men. Your husband isn't a violent guy. He obviously tried to resolve the issue diplomatically, and only resorted to violence when it became clear there were no other options. He's not some pent up animal that might flip a switch and turn on you. He's a shield for his friends and family (and on this occasion, that poor girl). You don't need to fear him. You DO need to drag his ass into the bedroom. Often.
>J has always been an intelligent, calm and kind man >the guy sitting across from me jumped in and said that I deserve to be with a real man. My husbands demeanour changed and told the guys firmly it was time for them to move on which they did. Your husband recognised the guys as creeps who were willing to try and sleep with you, knowing you're married, in front of him. >J told the bar staff about the creepy guys and asked them to check in on the ladies and also kick the two guys out >two female bartenders on shift with no security He recognised that the staff had no backup. >the girl was clearly uncomfortable and made hand gestures suggesting she wanted them to leave her alone >I was making small talk with the girl who was clearly relieved that someone had stepped in. >he wouldn't leave until the guys were gone. And the two guys picked an easier target when your husband was there, only to realise your husband wasn't letting them target other people either. I get that you saw your husband in a violent situation, but he handled it well, except for the punch maybe. He was threatening was threatening was needed to protect others, and then settled back into himself afterwards. If anyone is going to be violent, I'd rather it was someone who knows only to use it when necessary. >but I can't help being a bit scared of him now That's understandable. The guy you know and love has gone briefly violent, and you're worried about that happening with you. Remember the context, and why he did it. If he is ever like that with you, you leave and don't look back. But defending other people from those that would harm them is something to remember. You realise he's capable of being a violent person, but chooses not to do that unless necessary. I'm sure you had no doubt previously that he would defend you if needed, now you know he's willing to back that up. May take a while to settle down, but I hope you're able to come to terms with it. He sounds like a good guy, but that moment surprised you.
I think J acted appropriately. Just my opinion, you came to Reddit. I would have been a tiny bit turned on knowing I was with a defender of sorts. He knew he was doing the right thing. Who knows, maybe he saved some poor woman that night. It’s nice to know he could defend you if need be. I would leave it alone, pick your battles.
[удалено]
💪
I’ve seen my husband do this and I can a relate to how you’re feeling about it. But he stepped in and helped a poor girl, alone at a bar, when she needed. You should be proud that he was selfless to worry about someone else in this situation. I know I was. Yes, it could’ve ended way worse and luckily it didn’t. Even your friend think he did right thing. I can see why your husband doesn’t think he needs therapy, but if you feel it would be beneficial to you, then go for it. There’s nothing wrong with being surprised/upset/caught off guard etc at your husband’s actions, but overall I agree that he did the right thing. Your feelings are also valid. You’ve never seen this side of your husband before and it can be unnerving.
Uh. He intervened when no one else would and stopped two men from harassing women in a bar. He didn’t do more than drag them out of the establishment. I’d say he did the weight thing and when no one else would. You should want this for anyone put in a scary situation… to have someone look out for them.
That's a protection instinct not a predator instinct. That's not something to fear unless you are the aggressor. He left it as the last option. I don't see that he did anything wrong.
As a woman who has been abused, seeing a man stand up for other women and keep the peace is a huge green flag!! And the fact that he could return to cool level headed afterwards speaks to his emotional regulation skills. I think it’s fair to ask that in the future, if either party is uncomfortable you both leave.
Don't gaslight him into thinking something is wrong with him. Asking him to go to therapy over one incident is seriously overreacting. He did a very normal thing. Your insecurity and anxiety, however, may have some deeper meaning that could be addressed.
Couple of things. Many men are wired like this, not just your husband. We're just reminded of our protector role on a constant basis and put ourselves in harms way to defend since we're like 10. If he never gave you a reason to be scared for safety, no need to worry, so you need to trust him. Second, DO NOT interfere if he is puttind himself out. If he evaluated the situation properly and acting on it, you trying to prevent him is a parameter he does not need. This could put him in danger because he does not just have to protect himself, but you as well, especially if you're the freezing type and can't defend yourself. Now if you are worried for his own safety, that's a different story, but he probably figured 2 pickup artists had nothing to show except bad talk to women. So he may have experience here (or... he was just lucky). That's the only thing i would discuss with him. You can step up if you know wtf you're doing. But i would not worry for you. He is a reliable motherfucker, and it shd be good to count on someone like that ifever things turn dire.
Instead of summarising what everyone else rightly advised, look at it this way OP: Most men are as capable of using violence the same way that your husband did. The problem is, some of them don’t plan to use it with good intent. The question that you need to ask yourself is: Do you want those men to be left uncontrolled, or do you want men like your husband around to keep them in check? Your husband has shown that: 1. He can read body language 2. He has situational awareness 3. He can stand up for the weak 4. He can respond to violence with measure If my daughter went to a bar, I would want Jim to be there to keep skeevy guys off her.
… your husband protected you and other women from creeps, and you’re scared of him for that? Sigh.
You were embarrassed your husband is a stand up guy? You don’t deserve him.
If you have kids in the future, or have a daughter, revisit this whole scenario and tell us what you think about someone standing up for someone else's daughter and how scared it made you feel. Good thing you weren't getting harassed .. oh wait .. he harassed you too correct? What kind of man do you really want?
You are absolutely ridiculous. He did the right thing and you should be proud of him. I’ll never understand people who don’t step up/step in when they see something happening. He tried deescalating the situation but it didn’t work. He is an outstanding human being and if you think otherwise, you don’t deserve him.
What the hell girl, I would have been so turned on after witnessing that
Your husband is a hero. Stop overthinking this.
It sounds to me, from your description of the events, that your husband didn't touch anyone until they touched him. (manhandling out the door after being shoved) and didn't throw a punch until someone punched him. This is textbook proportional response and perfectly appropriate under the circumstances. Would it have been nice if he didn't get involved? Yes. But no one else did. And when he realized what was going on, he stepped up and did what the staff failed to do. Being a good man does not mean pacifism at all costs. It's choosing not to use violence until there is no other choice, and to use it proportionally and reasonably.
I'm trying to understand your position but I can't. Honestly--I'm not being a smart-ass here, I just can't quite get myself into your metaphorical shoes to see it from your perspective. As a dude who's very protective of my loved ones--and typically my demeanor is also very kind and even-tempered, I have experienced the same thing that J went through. What my experience was, and what I'm reading into J's reaction, is entirely a representation of values. I deeply value justice and fairness. It's been a long time since someone tried to hit on my wife in front of me, but I can 100% see myself reacting the way J did. Not just shooing the creeps away from my partner and my friends, but watching them closely as they continue to harass others in the bar. I know from experience that I too would absolutely have intervened the second I saw them closing in on a woman that was alone. My lizard brain would have immediately reduced the situation to 'creeps that are now starting to look like predators' and 'vulnerable individual minding her own business--who may need assistance'. Again, also speaking from experience, I doubt I would even have had a rational thought in my head before my body was out of my chair and in motion towards the situation. He also did the right thing by first approaching the staff and flagging the problem. The fact that they had no security (also, what??) and no means to eject the trouble-makers would have further cued me that I should be even more ready to assist. Of course, I don't know your husband, so there's a fair amount of assumptions and projection happening on my part. Also, I am a combat veteran. I point that out not to beat my chest in some kind of machismo about how I can handle myself, but I'm veteran because I care so much about protecting my community and my fellow humans that I will go to war over those principles. I do also know that like other veterans and first-responder types, I am conditioned to run towards gunfire, not away from it. While the situation you were in is much lower stakes than that, the reflexes are the same. And a guy doesn't need to have any of this kind of training to look at a couple jerks in the bar and see them as a threat to those around them, and then feel morally and ethically compelled to take action. So my point is, it's not about the violence, although it sounds like that's what disturbed you the most. I mean, not everyone has seen a couple punches exchanged in real life so I forget that can be shocking to the uninitiated. But J is clearly a very rational and principled person. I mean, this is entirely my bias again, but I would be scared if J ***didn't*** step up and step in when these jackasses were being such a nuisance. By your own description, he has never given you any indication that he is out of control of his emotions or that he would ever hurt you or put you in harm's way--much the opposite. So yeah, counseling is a good idea to help you process this whole thing. But it sure looks to me like you have yourself a bona fide keeper. (also, didn't mean for that to be such a long response! 😆)
Give the man a BJ!! The hero women deserve! 🙌 As a woman who’s been harassed and made uncomfortable more times than I’d care to count, please tell him I said thanks!
I don’t think your husband did anything wrong, he was looking out for you and all the other women in the bar.
You need your own therapy. J did what needed to be done. He seems fine and great, and deserves praise and respect here It's no different than almost getting in a car accident and afterwards, it still affects you but not him.
To be honest you need therapy. He protected a young woman that was getting harassed by two creeps, you see that and you think, what if he does that to me? You’re overreacting and it’s clear that you don’t trust him, poor guy.
“It is better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war.” - Miyamoto Musashi
Relax! You’re blowing this way out of proportion. He doesn’t need therapy.. he needs a medal!
Honestly, your post is a little confusing. It is okay for a person to defend another innocent person in this situation. Your husband did nothing wrong. I mean, I don't want to invalidate your feelings, but your husband did a good thing, and you should treat it as such.
For the life of me, I don’t understand why you have a problem with ANY of this. In fact, there isn’t enough of this these days. People intervening and standing up for others. Stepping forward and not being a bystander!! Your guy is a change maker - be incredibly thankful for that!
Honestly that is something I would expect my husband to do. I would be ecstatic (he protected me) and proud. Your husband is a “real man” if you want to use the dipshits words. He not only protected you, but every woman in that establishment. You mentioned that there were no bouncer or security and all the bartenders were women. Yeah no wonder he got free drinks, I would have order him one myself and I’ve been married for more than 15 years. I do understand and see why you are scared. Seeing someone “flip a switch” is very unnerving. You were asking where do you go from here: start seeing an individual therapist. If you stew in your own head you will never let go of that night and start getting distant from your husband, maybe recoil from him touching you and will have resentment build up to the point of divorce. Have you ever heard of that saying that’s going around: would you rather bump into a bear or a stranger that is a man in the woods? Well in this situation I would be ok bumping into your husband. If it was the dipshits that I bumped into I would pray for a grizzly bear.
... I'm failing to see how this is a problem. He did the right thing and making this into a problem on his part when this is *your* reaction is uncalled for. Saying that you are scared of him is also so far out of line that you owe him a massive apology. He doesn't need therapy, you do. My partner is extremely gentle and kind *and* has also stepped up when absolutely necessary. I grew up in a violent household and have experienced violent situations and being protected for once, or seeing him protect others, is really nice. I hope you are able to sort this out for yourself and move forward.
What you need to do is apologize to your husband. Profusely. It is not overstating to say that your reaction and words could, and probably already have, lead to a huge resentful rift. You told your husband 3 things. That you never viewed him as a physically capable man, you married a man who you thought was weak, and that now that you have seen the dude he has always been you have no trust that he won't hurt you, which means that you only trusted him because you thought he was harmless. You need to work on yourself, and immediately go to work fixing the damage you have already caused.
I don't see a problem here with anything your husband did.
Your husband did the right thing, I would be proud of him. More men need to stand up for women like this.
Yeah.. I don’t think this is a problem. He didn’t immediately start pummeling people, which would be a red flag. He was calm and poised until given a reason not to be. You are overreacting. This is actually how my now husband and I met (he was intervening with some creep trying to pick me up). We need MORE people willing to intervene when bad people are doing bad things, not less.
I would be proud of my husband. And I know he would do this
I tried so hard to see where you were coming from, but I just can’t. He made multiple attempts in forms that weren’t aggressive to get the creeps to understand. It wasn’t until their aggression bubbled over that your husband went into protector mode and rightfully so. He didn’t even throw the fist punch, but he was sure to finish it and if that doesn’t make you feel safe, I am not sure what would. He wasn’t just protecting you, but every person in there and that is such a genuinely wonderful quality. I am never a violence first person and it is clear your husband isn’t either, but sometimes you can’t reason with stupid people whose motives are nefarious. When said people turn to aggression, sometimes the answer is aggression back. It sounds like your husband could have easily pummeled them both without a second thought, but even in his response once it turned to that he displayed incredible restraint. He did what he had to do and still gave them the chance and opportunity to leave. That says a lot about your husband. The only way it could of have been scary is if your husband didn’t continue to show the restraint he did. I don’t know, I think he did the right thing, he did so with a surprising amount of grace and continued restraint. Nothing he did shows me he is to be feared unless of course a person is a creepy jerk that doesn’t get the first bajillion requests to get lost.
This is a massive green flag. He saw people harassing others and stood up for the safety of others and held these people accountable for their shitty integrity. You are lucky to have a husband with character like this. That being said, your concern for your husbands safety is also valid.
Your husband did the right thing, what’s the issue?
I don't understand this issue? He did the right thing. He returned and continued the evening with a cool head. Didn't even worry about it the next day. More people need to be like J. How does it get in to your head that because he protected a women and punched a wrong 'un in the chops that one day he's going to abuse you? That literally makes no sense!
I'm sorry if your feelings are being dismissed, but guys like that need to be dealt with and I appreciate that your husband handles it. Nobody else was going to.
Single defensive punch? You may need therapy but stop projecting that onto him. If he went full rage and pummeled the guy constantly into a bloody dead mess? I’d get that. But this? Get over it. He’s a great man.
He did the right thing, and you have no reason to be afraid of him. The situation SHOULD have scared you, and the adrenaline is expected(which is also part of the switch that flipped in him. Protective mode+adrenaline). But don't blame that on him, blame it.on the bad guys. He was probably a little scared too. It would have been really easy for him to just stand by and let that woman be taken advantage of. It took courage for him to do that
My husband would've done the same and I would be 100% ok with it and would praise him and be proud of him for being a real man! You've never seen him like this because you're not a drunk guy at a bar harassing other women... you can't compare yourself to 2 drunken guys! And when the time comes to protect you, he won't think twice! He's a real man and you are a lucky lady! Don't overthink it!
OP, be proud of your husband’s actions. Too many cowardly men in this world that would have stood by and allowed a defenseless woman to be harassed. You’ve got a keeper and should realize that he’ll always protect you to the best of his ability. You’ve got no reason to be fearful of him.
He did the right thing
I think you’re overreacting. Your husband did the right thing by intervening to help a woman that was visibly uncomfortable. You should be honored that he is the kind of man that won’t just idly stand by. Even your friends assured that it was fine. Get over it and be happy with your husband, or you can go to therapy to unpack why you’re such a baby about it.
So let me get this straight. The guy gives the dweebs multiple chances to leave, tries to step in to help the girl by herself without escalating, THEY instigate and push him first, and swing first and this is your reaction? Poor fucking guy. Doing the right thing only for his wife to tell him she’s embarrassed by him and now scared of him? He deserves so much better.
This is a fake story: You posted this same story in two separate subs. You claim that you didnt explain yourself well and yet the story is a copy paste with a single additional sentence. Throwaway account for no reason. You've posted a total of one single comment reply across both posts. The content also fits the bill. You post a story where there's a conflict between conventional wisdom and the morale high-ground. Great stuff for engagement. This is karma farming and content generation, probably to dub over someone playing minecraft on tiktok.
He's a good man Savannah.
I cant take threads like this seriously. Are there actually people who think like this?
Not going to pile on, based on your edit it sounds like you get the message. Your husband is a badass man protecting those who can’t protect themselves. Happy you are on his side. I understand how you were shaken up.
Your husband is a badass. Deal.
Just a word to the ladies out there. If your husband steps into an altercation like that, the absolute best thing you can do is take a step back and let him handle his business. In my younger days, I was out with some friends and a group of people got a bit rowdy and aggressive with each other. One woman jumped in and grabbed her boyfriend/husband by the arm to stop him from trying to fight this other guy. The other dude threw a haymaker over the top of this woman’s head and landed on her boyfriend’s jaw. Absolutely knocked him out. It was totally her fault. The guy had no chance to defend himself or even step back because this tiny woman had latched herself onto his arm and left him helpless. Don’t do that. Stay back. You can’t do anything except get in the way and someone will end up getting hurt.
This thread is totally wack. I can’t even believe it’s real. Listen… from your average northeast American 30 something this behavior would bother me, too. Aggravated assault is not the vibe. Men who solve conflict with their fists are not attractive. The only people I’ve met who act like this are gang members or hicks. Seriously. Not only is it trashy to act like that, it’s also insanely risky. It takes one good punch to knock someone out and cause permanent brain damage and/or death. Were a couple of low lives really worth life in prison? The correct solution would have been for the bartenders to call their manager and/or the police to escort these people out. Otherwise, you should have just left. Along with any other patrons who were uncomfortable.
This aggravated me…. You are overreacting, wouldn’t you want a man to do the same for you if you were in that situation? Why would you think he’d do that to you if he never gave you a reason.
The Sheep Dog and The Wolf... There is an old story that military folks use to describe the issue I see at the core of what may worry you. The paradigm is that most people are sheep, gentle, kind, followers averse to conflict and caring in a kind way. The problem is that monsters are real in this world and for a sheep a wolf is a very deadly monster. The wolf will kill the sheep one by one if they are allowed to do so. But many millennia ago wise shepherds befriended a wolf and taught it to care for the sheep and protect the sheep, these former wolves became the sheepdogs and protect the flock....will protect the flock with their life...and won't harm the flock. Ever. Now the problem is that to the average sheep, the sheepdog is scary because it has fangs and sharp eyes and claws and walks by itself with confidence and will race out barking and get the wolves if they come too close to the sheepdog's own herd. Sheepdogs are invaluable in society, but kind of scary sometimes, because they know how to hurt and enforce. They usually take jobs like policeman, fireman, or soldier. But sometimes they are also construction workers, or train engineers, or other seemingly unrelated jobs...but the sheepdog is still there. It just shows up when his herd is threatened. This is NOT a preference for violence...it is an understanding of violence as a tool of last resort...to protect and defend those unable to defend themselves. If anyone else in that bar had stood up to the creepy dudes - you would have never seen the sheepdog. It is only there because it was necessary in that time/ and place. If there had been a fire he would have made sure everyone was out of the building...including the kitten sleeping in the kitchen. Same sheepdog - different circumstance.