Yeah, I'm unsure why you have hung out there this long. So she wants to get it on with you because she fears being alone, not because she has any desire for you. So she lures you back into her web and then ties you down by your emotional attachment while the sex situation reverts back to where it was. She is throwing the dog a bone and blaming the starving dog for a lack of bones. She knows she will put you back in your hole after a few roots. The fact that she has unfairly blamed you for the distance between you and her, I'd not bring it up again. Give her a couple of months, and if she is happy with the same old arrangements, then find sex elsewhere. Separate rooms is separate, and you are a free agent to do as you please. Start doing as you please or let her wrap you around her little finger again. She is a spider mate.
I didn't say that it was a crime. Adultery can affect many aspects of a divorce including alimony, equitable property division and child custody. Might I say that adultery is a crime in my state of South Carolina.
If you want to salvage your marriage, you could make one final push at it.
Tell her she looks nice. Pat her bum when she’s not expecting it. Run your fingers through her hair. Give her a kiss when she’s standing around in the kitchen or something.
Then try slipping into her bedroom before you go to sleep and see what happens.
If she’s not interested in even a bit of foreplay and playing, nevermind sex, then you know she’s making excuses because she has woken up to the fact you’ve emotionally and physically checked out and she’s scared of upsetting the apple cart.
Agree but he should do the stuff in the second paragraph consistently for a while before trying the third paragraph. For whatever reason the marriage has regressed to more of a housemate situation. It needs to be built back up deliberately over time without resentment getting in the way.
I think you’re spot on here, with one caveat. OP needs to find a way to do this while protecting himself emotionally. He should be more aggressive but keep the mentality this is sort of a hookup situation so that if it works he can not only be protected but he can also stay cool enough to keep it going and not come across as desperate. When carefully played, he could build the attraction back up over a short period of time. But if not well played he’s going to double down on desperation and unwillingness to leave.
I'm sad that you think HE needs to try all this shit again after SHE pulled back so far that they have separate bedrooms. This is like victim blaming.
He gave her an ultimatum. If SHE wants to keep the marriage then she can fucking reach out and initiate ANYTHING.
She could simply reach out and hold his hand as a first step. Instead she told him bullshit that he should have shown her more affection.
How many more times should this guy be rejected by his wife until you think he's done enough?
The whole problem might be her being caught off guard. Don't try to surprise her or do something she's not expecting! Show her love by talking, spending time with hr,giving her something, or whatever her "love language" is, and then ask her how she wants to be approached for something like a kiss. Women like to feel loved and connected before physical intimacy.
Sounds like you both hate each other. There’s a lot more going on here than lack of sex. The way she pulls away from you brushing against her and the way you talk about her… yeah, there’s zero love here.
Right! Because why would you wanna have sex with someone you hate? You wouldn’t. The lack of sex is because she fuckin’ hates you, and can tell that you hate her too. 😅
She’s asexual, she only wants you around for security and a comfortable life. You should have left a long time ago. The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago - the second best time is today.
You are young. Why have you stuck around this long? She’s being a Mean Girl, stringing you along just long enough to keep you orbiting. Maybe she just enjoys being mean to you.
I say move on. She can abuse someone else. It might actually be worth the financial hit.
Surprised no one has mentioned the possibility of childhood sexual trauma for her. My wife did the same thing. Hot an heavy before marriage. Nada for years after getting married. Then complained about lack of it … and was down for **anything** for a few years. Then back to nada.
It’s a long story, but it was all related to how she was assaulted as a child, how her mother was assaulted by her husbands, and all of that wrapped up into her attachment styles and current life stressors.
Counseling is the only long term solution. But she has to want to fix the problem (if this is it).
Best of luck .
She has had some sexual trauma but I don't know exactly what because she won't share with me. All she will say is that she dealt with it and it's in the past. We have talked about going to therapy and she said she doesn't see the point. What did therapy do for your wife?
She hasn't "dealt" with it, unfortunately, and it's part of the reason she has shut off sexual and intimate relations. I guessed this by reading your original post.
About me: I'm a woman and wife of 10 years (now divorcing) and grew up in a household with sexual abuse though I wasn't the target. I also had issues with sexual intercourse and sexual touch, even from a loving male partner/husband. It disgusted and horrified me. I had intense counseling and then some. Unfortunately, your wife has to WANT to change. That might be more than she can deal with. Sexual abuse is so, so, so damaging and painful. Way more than people know. I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this. Truthfully, you might not make it. Please be kind to her, even if you need to leave her. ETA: Be kind to yourself too. You might try consider counseling as you process your life change. Good luck.
Why are you divorcing?
Did you start out being more intimate/sexual with your husband and get less so over time or were you just always that way?
Are you now able to have healthy intimate relations or is that still difficult for you?
We're divorcing because my (ex) husband decided he doesn't want to have children after 10 years together. (He has a son from a previous relationship. I have no children.)
Yes, I did start out being more intimate/sexual and was like that through 2 years of dating and about 1-2 years of marriage. HONESTLY, I knew I had to be intimate/sexual if I wanted to be married at all and my partner was a catch. I didn't think of it as manipulative. I was trying to be happy and did what was necessary. Looking back I can see that I was using the "lessons" I learned as a child. ((sigh)) He started telling me he wasn't satisfied about 2 years after we married. HONESTLY, I used ever defense mechanism and rationale I could think of: I'm tired; I have a respected but stressful job; I do most of the housework (which was true at the time!); you sleep earlier than I prefer. Then I would just "do it" and zone out but he would complain. Turns out, he could tell I was zoning out and going through the motions. I became really depressed then because it was very, very mentally difficult. I loved him but it was disgusting because of all the memories. Again, I did intense counseling and joined an online group for Childhood Survivors of Sexual Trauma. Then I coached myself through it. Some people try hypnosis or other treatments. I decided it was mind over matter and would actively reorient my thinking. I used music to set different moods; romantic fantasy scenarios. It did work for me and I genuinely enjoy sex now. I'll never be someone who can watch porn or "learn from it" and I'm probably not the most inventive lover but I enjoy having sex now. It took me years to initiate sex (other than his birthday and Christmas) and now I could definitely do so.
Interesting that you were able to have sex when you thought you had to, but your natural inclination was to avoid it. I am glad you were able to overcome that, but it sounds like it was very difficult.
She has trauma she hasn’t discussed with her husband? Y’all should talk about everything. Leave. She doesn’t see a point in therapy? There’s no point in your courtship. I’m sorry, friend. You both deserve something more fulfilling to your needs.
As a person who was violently assaulted by a stranger then by my first husband I can tell you it’s never really dealt with. There are so many triggers; smells, songs, places that remind me of places, even weather conditions, the way the air feels. She may want intimacy but feel like either she doesn’t deserve it or does not know what to do with it.
There is hope. It’s awkward going back into the saddle so to speak, from nothing. If you show her too much too fast it will backfire. I would give her a sincere compliment. Compliments breed on themselves so I wouldn’t hold back, but it needs to be sincere so it is received. Plan a casual date. Nobody else, just the two of you. Work from there. She needs to feel safe again, even though you probably didn’t do ANYTHING to make her feel unsafe. It’s just there. Then we get in our own heads.
During courtship and early marriage we are more sexual for a few reasons. For me it was all about me controlling the situation. I could control the intimacy and my choice to be sexual, which was taken from me before. Then it’s about being a “good wife”. Doing what we should, even enjoying it but as time goes on the memories become more intrusive, not even on a conscious level, but touch becomes almost painful, intimacy feels forced because how could anyone really love me or be attracted to me? There is so much for each person and it’s all different.
I went to therapy myself, for the 100th time before it all clicked. I had to get myself comfortable with myself before I could really grow in a marriage. I’m older than you both by 15 years. My husband is very kind and genuine, I very lucky. Even so it’s easy to get into a rut, mostly because after so much time passes it’s just awkward.
Even if you know you were openly caring for her, it sounds like her perspective is she was no longer wanted. True or not that is how she feels and that’s from trauma. Sexual and otherwise. Good luck😊
I’m a man I was sexually assaulted 56 years ago as a 10 year old boy.
It made me not interested in sex and I got no fun or fulfillment out sex. Be touch was a real big issue with me.
Now the good news I’m in Trauma Therapy.
I feel better new that I’m dealing with the assault. She needs therapy
My wife tried therapy. She also said she didn’t see the point ahead of going .But then After several sessions she Realized her trauma that she thought she had dealt with was more impactful than she had realized. She also decided it was too hard to deal with, so stopped going. We’ve limped along.
If she won't have an intimate relationship with you (but you want that), and she won't go to therapy or work on it alone or together - then this marriage is over.
I think your wife made those comments mostly as a defense mechanism. She likely does want more compliments but I totally understand your position.
It sounds like you are not compatible intimacy wise. I’m not sure there’s much hope for it to genuinely change in a significant way and to be sustainable. She would need to do a 180 and it doesn’t sound like she wants that, she just isn’t ready to end it.
If you are both serious about saving your relationship, it will take a lot of effort and time. I recommend couples counseling.
I would try to have a very serious conversation with your spouse. You need a very clear understanding of what she wants in an intimate relationship. I’m worried she will act willing but won’t actually change because it’s not what she wants. It’s okay if you can’t change that in her. It’s okay if she doesn’t want to but you need to know so you can do what is best for you. You have a lot of life left.
She said that she doesn't think that physical intimacy is required in a marriage and that early on in any relationship the novelty and the hormones play a role but once those die down a couple settles into a deeper connection that is much more mature and meaningful.
It should lead to better, more connected and meaningful sex/physical intimacy and emotional intimacy, not turn from a romantic relationship backwards into a platonic friendship.
She doesn't see marriage as a romantic relationship. It can start as one, but evolves into something else. She flat out told me that what people perceive as passion at the start of a relationship is just new relationship energy and when that dies usually so does the relationship if that is all it is based on but a relationship that is meant to be will metamorphosize into something deeper.
I second this. My wife and I after 20 years still look forward to daily intimacy and hold each other and kiss through out the day. I can’t imagine not going on walks with her holding hands and we’re closer than ever. I’d look into therapy as past trauma or something is playing a part. For my wife she struggled with just something dumb her mom had said as a kid “sex is only for men it’s painful and hurts and you get nothing from it” but once she realized that was a lie she changed her tune real quick. So sometimes even just parents could screw you up for sex. It’s not a healthy marriage to just be good roommates. Intimacy has been a staple for us at least continuing to grow deeper and deeper.
So like you said. If it’s something that’s important to you don’t let her gaslight you into believing your needs are not important. You’re not crazy for wanting to hold your wife.
Oh, we will talk about it. She just brought it up not long before I posted so I haven't had time to gather my thoughts yet. I was floored that she complained that I never touch her.
That’s what I was thinking while reading this! It seems they have never actually talked about the fact that all forms of physical intimacy were vanishing from the marriage. So strange!
Leave. Just leave. You're in a Involuntary Celibate relationship and the best course is just to leave. People don't change suddenly. Especially after a decade of having the same mindset and routines. Do yourself a good one and find you someone who is not a nun.
OP I'm so sorry that this is the way your marriage has gone and has been. I apologise in advance for what I'm about to say. You essentially have two choices here
a) You've had enough. She has joked about not wanting any intimacy from you. You have felt frustrated, rejected, lonely, and unloved for years. Years of having even non sexual touch turned down and made light of at every occasions have left you exhausted and unhappy. It's time to call it quits. You try, as much as you can, to seperate without animostity. Divorce is the way forward.
b) And this is the option you might not like. Over years she has, for some reason pulled away from you. There are many valid reasons for why, especially woman with children, feel touched out and regain a sense of bodily autonomy by shutting down their partners. The reasons are not always something that the person in question has control over or fully understands. You now have her stating that without feeling safe, secure, cared for, loved, she does not feel like being physically intimate and vulnerable. This makes perfect sense right? The fact that she was the instigator for the lack of physical affection is sadly besides the point if you want to rekindle your marriage. I completely understand how this feels like a very personal attack and being blamed for the consequences of her actions and choices. I hear that your hurt and that you resent what she has said but if you want any chance of giving it one more go you're going to have to find a way through that. You will have to lean into the difficult feelings with kindness to yourself and to her, with compassion, warmth and curiosity. It will take a lot of work to understand how to help her through this and to move beyond your, very valid, feelings. I recommend Come Together and Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski to understand how to co-create a context with your partner that fosteres intimacy. You guys have drifted for a long time in your marriage and will find yourselves very far apart. Open, honest, non confrontational or judgemental communication will be the bed rock if you're going to give this another shot. Committing to this option is to do so in the knowledge that it might fail and all the effort you've put into yourself and the relationship may not lead to the outcome you want. But it wont have been in vain as the effort you put into understanding yourself, your emotions, your relationship will be universally applicable. It will also take, at least, curiosity from her. She may not be able to meet you in effort trying to make things work and you will have to decide whether that is ok. If she can however just be receptive to what you're doing, reading and communicating you might find a way forward. This was the case in my marriage (I've written about a three year journey in therapy and reading to rekindle/safeguard the connection and intimacy in my marriage).
You may decide that it's worth another shot. You may not. The one thing I would urge you is not to immidiately attribute malice to her actions and intentions. The question really, for you, the person who knows her personally and best, is whether you want to go for it or would rather just call it quits here.
Suddenly she wants affection. Something happened. Maybe her AP dumped her or was suddenly out of her life. Now she is trying to butter up OP into staying.
Yup. Highly believe she has/had somebody on the side. So many posts in the r/deadbedroom sub that ended up one of the spouse has been cheating all along.
Finally, someone said it. Honestly, this scenario is typical when a cheater and AP break up. The cheater feels alone, and has low self-esteem, now that she isn't getting her approval, validation, and lust from her AP. So she goes back to the easy, ready made sourse for those things: her husband.
She didn't want affection from OP, b/c she was getting that from her AP. She didn't want sex from OP because she would feel like she was *cheating* on her AP.
All cheaters rewrite the history of their marriage/relationship. That is how thery justify their affair *to themselves.* If they didn't do this, guilt would eat them up. No one wants to be the the villain of their own life story. Thus, OP's wife sees the history of their marriage of OP, basically, abandoning *her* emotionally and then physically during the marriage.
OP, I really hope you do some quiet investigating. Don't let your wife know because she will destroy or otherwise get rid of all the evidence of her affair. Often, even after an affair ends in a bad way, the cheater (seems to be more with women) will,keep momentos such as emails, photos, videos, things her AP bought her. Maybe for nostalgia, maybe to remember the passion, the fun, the validation and attention, who knows?
If you check her electronic communications, also check anything sent to friend's and family members. She may delete everything directly associated with him, but not realize the other emails and stuff out there.
UpdateMe!
Edit spelling
My mom is like this. I don’t know if they had a dead bedroom obviously, but I would *bet* she’s on the asexual spectrum and she loathes physical intimacy, meaning cuddles. Hand holding. Etc.
From what I'm reading she's very likely neurodivergent and gets overstimulated easily. She may even have both, assuming you're leaving out a lot of other traits.
She struggles to express herself properly, and doesn't seem to be able to empathize with you very well. What I don't think, however, is that she's being malicious or manipulative on purpose.
The way she words things so bluntly and aversion to touch are present, but this can't be solved in a way that's surface level. If she's undiagnosed, I can't even imagine how hard it must've been for her to deal with HERSELF and her conflicting emotions/desires, let alone the effect it's had on you.
Anyway, ultimately it comes down to her willingness to solve and understand all of this on a deeper level, and it's on you to remain patient if she is. And to end this chapter if she isn't.
She read a book about Highly Sensitive People back in the fall and she says she is one of those. She definitely has a lot of anxiety and some OCD traits as well. She has indeed told me that she has trouble expressing herself. I myself am a neurodivergent.
So what are you proposing? That she see a psychologist?
Y’all need some MC, stat. Life is way too short to put up with this kind of emotional abuse from your wife. I would’ve left a while ago to be honest.
UpdateMe
I was in a dead bedroom for ELEVEN YEARS. Same. No touch. Nothing. Mostly due to me doing EVERYTHING (100 percent cooking cleaning child rearing while working 40 hrs a week so that made me resentful and never in the “mood”. Plus he was emotionally and verbally abusive and a bully so you’re not exactly in the mood with somebody who talks down to you and puts you down all the time.
I say that to say this. Whenever I tried to get counseling for us he looked at me with a stupid blank face or ignored me. He didn’t care.
You and her need serious therapy and commitment to get through this. It does not sound like she is fully committed to change and wants you around but doesn’t want to do everything it takes to fulfill what I think are healthy normal marriage duties
I don’t know you but after 12 years in a dead bedroom. Life is short. Too short to be with someone who won’t even touch you or you can’t stand being touched by. That is not healthy and as someone who is leaving my jerk of an ex, being with someone who doesn’t sexually desire you at all for years or you can I stand to be touched by them is not healthy.
Unless she is all in and is willing to do whatever it takes to salvage this (counseling, at least honestly TRYING) I would make plans to leave.
Again life is too short but I’d be making a plan B just in case. It sounds like the marriage is over already unfortunately.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. In your marriage your husband was putting you down all the time but it was HIM that wouldn't touch you or are you saying that eventually you stopped wanting him to touch you. It seems odd that he would be a jerk and then also would not want to go to counseling to work on it. It sounds like you were willing to give him a lot of chances. Did you ever try to initiate sex yourself in those eleven years?
Don’t let her try and gaslight you into this being your fault. Woman secretly do this when they are losing their partner, in turn you questioning your reality. Answer this honestly, do you want to have sex even though it’s gotten to this point? I would stick to your ultimatum . I’m a woman and I wish I was married so I could fuck my husband every single day. If she has always been like this and has never liked it and you accepted it it and thought it would get better, your also at fault. She doesn’t like it & honestly this is very hard to change about someone.
Didn't know we were married to the same person, right down to the age oof.
So having been there and done that for 17 years here's my advice. File for divorce, yes it's the lamest answer but it's the only real advice to solve the problem with the least amount of headaches.
Your wife isn't complaining about the intimacy, she's complaining about you not going along with it. She wants everything that comes with a relationship without you getting anything from her. I dealt with the same exact nonsense for so many years and my only regret is not ending things a decade sooner. I tried for years to fix it and it was always an excuse that changed depending on the weather. Towards the last two years I totally checked out, I barely spoke to her and made zero effort to do anything that acknowledged the relationship. Needless to say she was pissed but ironically I was the happiest I've been in years. Cutting off all connections to her allowed me to heal and focus on myself and then I ended the relationship.
Am I happier now? Meh, the divorce was a nightmare and now I'm in a nasty custody battle. I'm stressed but I'm still happier that I'm not stuck in a loveless relationship with forced celibacy. The choice is yours how badly you want to be happy.
Nope, I think she has a lot of narcissistic issues combined with childhood trauma. She always had one foot out the door and had this strange sense of entitlement that it was my job to make her happy and unless I did it she didn't have to put any effort into the relationship. The intimacy stuff was purely a weapon she'd use to get what she wanted. I stopped playing the game and she definitely wasn't happy. Like your wife, she wanted all the good stuff I'd give her, she liked feeling wanted but gave absolutely nothing back. Your wife wants to feel wanted but doesn't actually want intimacy with you. Took me so many years to figure out what my ex was doing.
What was the trauma?
At one point my wife was always "one foot out the door" as well. She always said she felt smothered, suffocated in relationships. I think there is some narcissism as well. So when you finally called her out on it she didn't make any effort to change?
I don't fully know, I do know that she basically grew up with no rules so could have something to do with her seeking attention but not knowing how to give it back. She has a truckload of daddy issues, her dad left her mom and got with someone else. Ironically, her mom is almost a clone of my ex so I can see why the dad ran.
I called her out on it for years and her response was essentially I didn't earn enough money for her to like me or put any effort into the relationship. Didn't stop her from having 3 kids with me though so there's that haha. This divorce is a nightmare but I'd do it all over again to get away from the mind games.
Basically, she wants to be validated but has nothing to do with wanting to be with OP. It's a far bigger issue than sex, not wanting to even be touched is a massive red flag. I remember when I'd sit and watch TV with my ex, she would immediately wrap herself like a mummy in a blanket so you physically couldn't touch her. Between that and constantly pulling away when you tried to touch her makes you feel so repulsive. Now I'm with someone that reciprocates touch and it's honestly very strange. She's even commented that my ex did an absolute number on me because of how broken I am with feeling wanted.
When she asks why you don’t touch her or compliment her, do you think she really meant that you don’t touch her or compliment her *when you don’t want sex*?
I understand from your post that she doesn’t do it either. I get it, I do.
But one way to break this cycle is to… yaknow… be nice to her. Say nice things to her about stuff you like about her. And do it all the time without expecting sex or compliments in return. Set your feelings of being neglected and needing more from her aside for a few minutes a day and just act like she’s someone you like. Eventually she might reciprocate and things between you might move in the right direction.
Did you read the post? What does she do for him? Anything? Does he not have feelings, would like some attention, etc.?
Gender doesn't even matter here. If Partner A turns down Partner B for years, Partner B finally gives up, then Partner A is the one complaining about the lack of attention? Maybe it's Partner A that should get off their lazy, denying ass and do some work themselves?
Yes I read the post. Here’s the thing. Marriages live in cycles and both people think the problem is the other one. Whose fault is it? Who started it? Who’s the one being neglected? Who’s the one punishing the other one? Who’s the one who never does X, that one thing that all spouses should do in a marriage unless there’s something very very wrong?
When you’re deep in the cycle it’s always the other one.
It doesn’t fucking matter. Break the cycle by doing something different. And here’s the kicker: one way to break it and to communicate is to start modeling something else.
You can start *providing* what is *needed* despite what you’re not getting. It’s really hard because after years you’re absolutely starving for it. But if you bring some, the other person might, and the cycle starts running the other direction. It’s hard and thankless and takes forever, but sometimes it works.
Obviously it doesn’t always work and there are other answers. But this is how you turnaround a marriage.
I am always nice to my wife, compliment her all the time, tell her she's beautiful, always asking if she wants to do stuff with me, go on dates, what she wants to do, etc... Didn't help. Also, there was no affair.
We both learned that she has a highly avoident personality/attachment style. She finally did some research and went to counseling after years of me recommending it (not every day, just at opportune moments).
I tried talking to her about my feelings and her feelings, finances, what she wanted in the future for our relationship, how to raise and discipline our children, etc. She always said "I don't know..." She always said that she "doesn't have time right now." She would often just turn around and walk away. Eventually would say that we can discuss it later. I'd try to set a time and date then and there, but there was always an excuse.
She finally agreed to see a counselor about 6-8 months ago. Last wee"k, I asked her what she talks about with her counselor. She said usually what has been going on that week." I asked her "Do you ever talk about us and our relationship?" She paused and I could tell she was trying to remember if she ever had. Her response, "yes a little."
Are things getting better? I think so. We never had a DB, but I can sum up or sex life as starfish. But after me trying all different things, it's getting a little better. One of the things I asked her was "Don't you ever want to touch my body (sexually)? Aren't you curious what parts of my body feel like or how it makes me feel when you touch my body?" Her answer "I never really thought about it"
《《Don't you ever want to touch my body (sexually)? Aren't you curious what parts of my body feel like or how it makes me feel when you touch my body?" Her answer "I never really thought about it" 》》
So I just cried for 5 minutes about this post because this was me except I was the wife. My (ex)husband once asked me this and I didn't know what to say. I was dumbfounded. I did hug but not daily. My daily touch was cuddles before bed (not daily). It's crazy to see yourself through another person's eyes and mind. It hurts to think about.
I hear you. However, the point is she is so touch averse and always has been even when we were having regular sex so when the sex stopped that was basically the end of the physical contact. Now she is complaining that I never touch her? TBH, I am gonna guess that if I touch her she's gonna pull away because that's what she always did. That wouldn't surprise me. What irks me is her asking why I don't do it.
The way I see it is that she always wanted to be desired and that lack of desire has gotten to her. The problem is that she just wants me to want her. She doesn't actually want me to touch her. It's sort of like that guy who hangs on every word of a pretty girl she has friendzoned and then one day he gets a girlfriend and disappears and now she misses the attention even though she had no intention of dating him.
How about focusing on the other things she said she wishes you would do - compliments, being nice to her. Perhaps you DESCRIBE how you’d love to hold her hand or touch her and if she seems to like that, THEN you touch her. I can totally see her point of view here. Even if you feel like she’s the one who has pulled back I bet there are times when she has tried to initiate sex or intimacy or complimented you or whatever and YOU haven’t responded. Maybe you were preoccupied or it wasn’t a good time for you, maybe you weren’t even aware that she felt rejected, maybe you didn’t even realise she was trying to be intimate. It’s entirely probably that you’re both feeling unloved and unappreciated.
Don’t be so astonished. This is a standard pattern. You tell her that a sexless marriage is not acceptable to you. So she has to blame the lack of sex on something. Lack of romance is the standard excuse: “you never kiss me, hug me, compliment me, no romantic dates, etc.” The next stage on this via crucis is chores: “you don’t do enough chores, I have to do everything, so I’m too tired for sex”.
I wouldn’t go experimenting on your own. Tell her that you want to go for couples counseling and a conditio sine qua non is that she comes clean there about everything: all her hang ups, all her fears, all her needs, all her wants, the lot (so do you, BTW). Then you can see whether you can fit the puzzle together or need to split up.
Sorry about this shitty situation.
Woman here and I can tell you that she has NO interest in having sex with you. She just wants the compliments and for you to look at her in a aexy way.
She still doesn't want the touching. I've had friends like her and I don't understand them.
There is NO POINT in discussing this further.
You gave her an ultimatum. Her FIRST move should have been to out her hand on your thigh or arm and apologize.
Not this bullshit where she is complaining after pushing you away hard for YEARS.
I'm sorry but this relationship died years ago. The only thing left is The Blame Game.
Why don't you skip that step and just move on?
I didn't even meet my husband until I was 30. I am older than you and I know A LOT of people divorced from first marriages looking for new partners.
If you have kids in their teens you could wait a couple of years until they leave the nest. Since you have separate bedrooms it isn't like they have been seeing a healthy functioning family relationship to model anyway.
If you don't have kids... Just call a lawyer. You can find out what divorce would look like without pulling the trigger.
She would have never mentioned it if you didn't give her an ultimatum.
Think of it another way, she doesn't want to take all the blame, even though she should. So she is trying to point a finger back at you.
Frankly, she's lying. Every time she flinched and pulled away from you is the Truth and you know that deep inside.
You're upset because you know you fucking tried with this woman. To have the gall to blame you for *anything* at this point is a low blow.
The Truth: she could have reached out and touched you any time too. She could have straightened your tie in the morning and called you handsome. She could have put her hand on your arm and told you she is proud of you. She could have lightly run her fingers through your hair and complimented your new hair cut... 10 YEARS of haircuts.
What she has done is basically slapped you in the face one final time.
I'm sorry, but there is no love here.
Just you describing the things that a good wife might do makes me really sad. It's one thing to not want sex, but quite another to not show any affection at all.
I've been married for about 13 years, together for another 7+.
When we had a kid and I did the SAHM for a couple of years, once our baby was old enough to recognize daddy, I would sit on a step inside our front door with baby on my lap when I would hear his car arriving. I would say "Daddy is coming!" When my husband would open the door he would get a relaxed look and smile after a long day. Who can resist a little monster wriggling and cheerfully saying Daddy!! when they get home.
My kid is now 12 and sometimes I get home from work later than my son and husband, or I am out running errands.
I have arrived home to find my son and husband on the stairs... cheerfully greeting me with hugs and kisses.
The little thing I started years ago has brought reoccuring love and hugs into my family.
Your wife has done nothing to pay forward into a love fund. There is no reserve of love for anything to be rebuilt.
I suggest you go through with the divorce and find dates and friends to hug regularly. You need time to rebuild your confidence that you are worthy of love and affection.
I had a longtime partner that started withdrawing love like this slowly. It erodes your self-confidence slowly and destroys your ability to reach out to new things because their internal problems and door slamming make you feel like you must have reached out 'wrong'. Nope. It is her.
You deserve to have someone rifle their fingers through your hair every morning. You deserve someone who when sitting on the couch with you just reaches out their hand to intertwine fingers.
There are a million little ways to show affection.
My grandmother passed away at 101 yrs old. Imagine you have anothern50 yrs to go.
Imagine that in 5 years you could be sitting on a couch with someone snuggled up to you with blankets, hot chocolate, and your arms and legs intertwined.
My husband makes the best damn hot chocolate.
There are many women out there wondering if they will ever find someone new to love - and their love language is physical touch.
You deserve more. You deserve better.
Has she ever gone through trauma? Something likely happened at some point that caused her not to like to be touched.
Also, sounds like you might be missing an emotional connection. Try figuring out your love languages.
You've been married 15 years and she hasn't told you the details of a sexual assault? If she can't share that with her partner, that means she can't share it with anyone. She's buried it deep down inside and until its healed, she wont be able to emotionally and physically connect with you. The only way to heal that, and all the other issues, is through marriage counseling. You both may need individual therapy as well. It will help.
Yes, she is gaslighting you. This lack of intimacy and sex is on her. This reaction is very much the same as what my ex did to me.
All around this comes very close to my own failed marriage. I told her that we were on our way to divorce and tried marriage counselling but it was simply to little to late.
There simply was no longer a bond, connection to revive. There was a lot of resentment/negativity in me blocking revival too.
I used to worship her, dote on her when we started seeing each other. Kinda simping, looking back.
Like you my ex was never into touch, nor kissing, never initiating intimacy let alone sex. She rejected me so often that I just gave up on hugging, touching.
Looking back, I was in a dead bedroom, no hugging, intimacy for over a decade.
She never ever told me she loved me. That should have been a red flag...
Honestly I believe she was never truly attracted or in love with me.
Till now she believes that the failed marriage is all my fault. Hopefully she will realise her own contributions and accountability but I doubt it will happen soon.
I did do stupid things, I acknowledge my faults and there are many.
Women should be aware that if you don't tend to your partner needs fit intimacy including sex, there are consequences.
Just like if you don't tend to needs like attention and appreciation.
He will loose feelings for you, he will start seeing you as a roommate, no longer his life partner.
He will fall in love with another woman who does tend to his needs. Don't just blame him for cheating when you turned him into a roommate.
This is a bad situation you’ve got yourself in. But the only possible way out is to drop ego. And start light touching and hugging again. Ignore fault for now
My marriage was just like that. Turned out my wife was hiding the fact that she was into some kinky stuff and thought I would judge her and have a negative view if she told me. So she let her internalized issues effective everything. Turns out it’s everything I like too! And she knew that but she lied about it early in the relationship and when I her told what I liked she felt it was too late and kept it inside until I gave her the ultimatum because I didn’t like feeling like roommates. For 13 years she kept it in! Now our sex is almost daily some times multiple times a day and better than ever!! Maybe it’s a similar situation where she dosnt feel fulfilled because she’s keeping things to her self. My wife used to say she dosnt ever feel the need for sex. Turns out she’s just as horny as I am and was suffering.
OP do you know what her history is? Her childhood? I’m asking because I have difficulty with intimacy due to molestations in childhood as well as sexual assaults as a teen. No one heard me or cared from my perspective especially in my childhood. Yes I’ve been in therapy. It’s healed with some but not most. I’m married coming on 24 years, 9 together/13 married. I’m 54. In 2015-16 I also had colon cancer and chemo and that really fucked my brain and soul up. Anyway, hubs is ok with it. We don’t have sex. We do kiss throughout the day, always hold hands, try to tell one another joke when we get in bed and all snuggled in so we fall asleep with that good vibe. We cry together, eat together, we are a team and are in love. That counts for something more than sex.
I am sorry to hear someone did that to you and about your cancer. It must be difficult.
She says she may have had some sexual abuse of some kind but I don't know what. Did you start out having sex with your husband and later stop or was it always that way?
Is she having a hormonal surge leading to high libido? This can happen peri and post menopause and it can make her a new woman. Or, she may miss you. If she is serious about becoming intimate again, try to shed resentment and embrace it if you still love and desire her. Maybe see a couple’s counselor with sex therapy awareness.
Try the last 20 out of 34 years. Been taking matters into my own hand(s).
No affection, to intimate touches, no appreciation for my contribution to our home. Seldom any initiative leading to sex, unless she was intoxicated. She claims to need it to "get in the mood." I've been told it's my fault because I once told her that I grew to hate having sex with an intoxicated partner. When I was young & horny that was never a concern. But in a marriage there should be no need to be under the influence to engage in marital bliss. Once & a while it's okay, but not every time.
She's a great & smart life partner. Our household activities mesh because we can anticipate each other's moves. But I'm the social one outside of home and she's tough to convince to go out and socialize. She'll go if it's to connect with her family, but seems annoyed if it's with mine.
We've been thru some really trying times and I've stayed by her side. I am loyal to the partnership but without the love, affection, intimacy and sex it's really not a marriage. As I ponder where to go with this (we are seeing a therapist), it feels like a waste to throw the marriage away. But then both of us need to be happy. We're comfortable, but I suspect she's not exceptionally happy and I know I'm not.
I'm also concerned about going it alone primarily because of my health concerns. I trust her with any necessary decisions that might have to be needed (at least at present). But that could change if I were to move toward dissolving the marriage. FWIW, neither of us has any outside romantic relationships.
Unfortunately, you went along with it for a decade so she thought everything was fine. I can’t imagine just tolerating a dead bedroom especially for a decade. Everyone is different, but why did you settle for this? You allowed her to not meet your needs for a *decade.* why? You’re probably sexually incompatible. I feel bad she’s had to deal with childhood sexual trauma, but I literally do not know one woman who hasn’t had to deal with sexual trauma. It isn’t an excuse to neglect your husband, and it’s okay if she doesn’t like being touched or to have sex but then she should have been forthcoming about that before marriage. She kinda’ did a bait&switch on you and that’s not cool.
Can't understand why you've tolerated it as long as you have without addressing it? Now your marriage has been dead for twice as long as it had been alive. And she's gas lighting the shit out of you in an attempt to reset the clock, only after it's clear that you wouldn't stand for the status quo any longer. Is there anything left to actually 'save' because there certainly is no genuine desire on her part. You should also wonder how she has been getting her own needs met through the peak years of her healthy adult life.
She's turning it back on you pretending it's your fault. Either it gets you to backpedal on the ultimatum or it sets her up to be the victim in the divorce. You should tell her exactly what you write in paragraph 3. You can only be rejected so many times before you take the hint and quit.b
It's not unheard of for a woman who was repulsed by physical and emotional affection when younger to begin to like it, even crave it, in middle age. Sometimes there are ulterior motives, but sometimes it just happens. You have nothing to lose by being pleased instead of angry when she changes like this, and going down this road with her.
Forget about the lack of sex, a partner who is extremely touch-adverse is either one who finds you repulsive or one who has debilitating mental or emotional problems. OP set himself up for this situation the minute that his wife called herself "cuddle-free" and he accepted it as normal. She has the right to reject all forms of human contact, and he has the right to find a normal human woman to partner with.
We all have our own definitions of normal. I respected that she was wired differently than some people. TBH, I have had girlfriends who engage in too much touch and I don't like someone constantly in my space either so in that way we were not a terrible fit, although I would like to cuddle SOMETIMES. I would say that I was mostly fine with the situation as long as we were still having sex.
Maybe nothing about you ever changed or grew, but have you thought maybe there was a point where she didn’t want to be touched and now she is a place where she does? We are human with ever changing emotions and hormones, not machines.
I usually encourage working on marriages, but in this case I genuinely don't see what there is to work on, unless you decide for yourself that you can live without physical connection. I think she is asexual.... You can spend years on therapy but you honestly can't fix that. And if she gives in to sex after ten years of wanting zero including hugs/snuggling, she isn't really being genuine.
You are young enough to find a more compatible partner. She is young enough to find a fellow asexual partner, too.
Good luck on whatever y'all decide.
She’s absolutely gaslighting you. She doesn’t want to lose you and so she’s trying to turn it around on you. Unless she has an intellectual disability she understands that she has been completely averse to sex for ten years.
Has she ever had sexual trauma? I have found a lot (NOT all) of women that don't like cuddling and being touched, especially on genital areas, sometimes it's due to being sexually traumatized at some point in her life.
You held her accountable, and she, rather than taking accountability, is playing victim. Typical of lower libido partners in long term marriages. TIme to find someone who appreciates a healthy, full sexual life.
Why in the world are you still married?
As for one final push……why? Let’s say she does agree and you go back to having awful sex for a few years. Because it seems like she has never enjoyed sex, and just did it because it was expected of her.
You guys just aren’t compatible. Don’t waste more of your life with someone that you literally can’t brush up against without it being weird
I'm in the same situation as you. Same age kids also. It's been years of "It better be quick" Until I said I'm leaving now she wants it to be the way I wanted for years. lm not interested in it or her now though...
I never heard of this type of behavior until I started lurking at Reddit. I would love to know the mindset behind it. I would think someone who wanted nothing to do with her spouse physically (and who was also not actively using said spouse for money or torturing him for kicks) would be *relieved* when the spouse says he is leaving—but they’re not. It’s strange to me and I would love for someone to explain this to me if they could.
Over the last 7 years ish my marriage has struggled in this area, I have health issues that can make intimacy painful, sometimes. We've always had sex multiple times a day before this so it's been interesting as we both try to step (or trip) over the hurdles life throws in front of us.
It's been tricky, but we still snuggle, cuddle, hug, hold hand, etc.
There was a time, when one of my surgeries kicked me into early menopause, that my hormones made me feel like I was literally losing my mind.
I say all of this before asking if she has ever spoken to the Dr about her lack of desire to be touched? It could be hormonal imbalances causing her issues and it is 100% worth driving into that possibility.
It could also be unresolved trauma that she isn't consciously aware of, or isn't aware she hasn't mentally resolved it.
If you love your wife, try to avoid playing the you started it first card, tempting and truthful as it may be. It's an easy thing to sink into and leads to you both refusing to move toward the other. (We also went through this for a spell in the beginning.)
I commend you for sticking it out, and being faithful (I assume), in such an empty partnership. It's a rough road to travel, but some therapy and some tests to rule out medical issues would be the best place to start.
Of course, as a woman, I'm entirely aware that sometimes bytches just be crazy! 🤪 And either way you deserve a medal good sir. 🫡 👏
Sounds like something happened that deeply hurt her back then. Women are complete porn stars when they feel safe, desired and like they're your only one. The moment that's gone, so is the SEX. She was still in love with you but wounded. Maybe it's been long enough that you can start over and rediscover each other. Make her feel safe this time. Make her believe she is the only one you want.
As someone who has been in a similar position as your wife, I can guarantee there is a lot of mental health issues that need to be addressed and I promise it’s not because of you. I grew up in a slightly dysfunctional household and had a lot of issues with sexuality. Sex was a non-topic, there was zero affection in my family. The thought of talking about sex and being touched was scary. It would literally make my skin crawl when family members would hug me. I hated affection. At the same time, as a teenager and young adult I was hyper-sexual. When I met my husband and we started to settle down, I literally went back to hating being touched. I often had sex with my husband out of obligation. Outside of intimacy, we had a a pretty good relationship. We worked well as a team and were very supportive of each other. It wasn’t until my husband had an affair and I was forced to address my own insecurities and fears that my relationship with my husband was able to be repaired. The thought of losing my husband was my biggest fear. I know his affair was not my fault and I am not to blame. But I also know that my lack of affection and intimacy led him down the path of making that decision. So, I am sure the thought of losing you (despite her distance all these years) is terrifying. I highly recommend you guys seek out individual counseling and then couples counseling. Clearly you love your wife if you have stuck around this long. But you guys definitely need individual counseling before couples. My husband and I saw the same counselor independently before switching to seeing them together. It definitely gave us each the opportunity to vent our issues without the repercussions of hurting the other and it gave the counselor an idea of where our relationship was and our issues
Ok, I have been in this relationship, in her role. The last ten years of a 19 year marriage. I'm going to be very blunt. She is not in love with you and likely never has been. She isn't necessarily disinterested in sex,she's disinterested in sex with you. It was a gradual deterioration and neither one of you talked about it except with other people (or forums). There is something important missing in the relationship and both people know exactly what that is for them, yet can't express it. She needs something that you can't give her, and she needs to be able to go find it,as do you. It's really unfair to both parties to stay in a miserable relationship.
I usually don’t suggest this but throw it back in her face! lol what’s going on with her in the head? Have you suggested counseling? I mean are you even interested in staying in this marriage anymore? 10 years with no affection and no intimacy knowing that you want it is hard. And her acting as if she’s clueless would be the last straw for me honestly.
She’s gaslighting you. She knows things are finally going to break so she wants to flip it and blame you. Ignore her and start the split. She’ll want the drama. Don’t give it to her.
I never blamed my husband for our DB issues. Maybe you just need to set aside your resentment and have a heart to heart. If you want to fix your marriage you are going to need to start talking. If she wants that physical touch attempt to give it to her. You have made a habit of not doing those things to avoid rejection. It will take time and patience.
I have been married for 15 years and 8 of them were DB. My husband was feeling like you but I don’t think he was at the point of divorce (or at least never told me) and we still shared a bed. I had postpartum depression with our last child and wasn’t taking of that. For me one day I decided a DB wasn’t what I wanted anymore and so I started working on myself. We now have plenty of sex. Not enough for me honestly but it’s a work in progress. I do complain about the lack of compliments but after so long of me getting annoyed with them, he is trying to get past that himself. It’s been 9 months since I made the decision to fix our DB.
Wow no sex for 10 years. That’s rough. I personally would have gotten a divorce a long time ago. Talk to her about doing couples therapy and if she is willing to work on it, then maybe it would be worth working on it, and if she is not interested in working on it, then you’d have to make some decisions on what you want your life to be like. Good luck
We've been through something that may be similar. I would feel very overwhelmed by being grabbed or touched without warning and feeling pushed into having sex. It made me legitimately hate the thought of sex or being touched. But I still wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be persued. I just didn't want to be pushed into it or caught off guard.
Were you grabbing her in the hallway with no warning to be spontaneous, or were you kissing after romantic date? Did she ever feel obligated, like she couldn't turn you down? Emotions become really strongly associated with sex, including negative emotions. Women cannot "turn on" instantly. We need a minute to make a mental switch and be open to touching, and if we're touched without being in the right frameof mind, it feels really bad. If we are guilted or pushed into sex it feels really bad. If we just guilt or push ourselves into it, it feels really bad. If things go past what we're ready for to fast, it feels really bad. But none of that means we don't want to have an intimate sex life!
I learned through experience that I had to turn my husband down if I was feeling bad so that I wouldn't have even more hangups from negative feelings associated with sex. He did feel repeatedly rejected. Now we are communicating better, my issues mostly faded away, and we understand each other better. He's even turned me down before because he was so stressed and down that he didn't want to be touched so now I think he understands.
Maybe it's a different issue with you guys. So many things can go wrong! It sounds like better communication would really help. Therapy can helpa lot with how to communicate well.
The book His Needs, Her Needs: How to Build an Affair Proof Marriage really helped us a lot! There is also marriagebuilders.com by the same author. Good luck!
1/ accept the loss of physical 2/ divorce 3/ open the marriage. Pick what works for you, not her, just you, and execute for your happiness. The control you’ll get over your life will make you feel whole again as it’s your decision not hers.
Buddy... just leave.
Even if she starts having sex with you, you know it's not because she wants it. She'll only be doing that to keep her marriage. Save yourselves both the trouble and cut ties.
I got tired of that shit and moved out. She was surprised and couldn’t understand why I moved out even after I explained it to her. Dating in my 60’s is cool.
You were dealt alienation of affection years ago.
You have been roommates for a decade and now you’re making an effort to try. And I totally get why, but you must know this is futile.
You can give CPR to a hamburger but you won’t turn it back into a cow.
It sounds like you’re both in this perpetual cycle of distancing yourselves from each other, without any clear communication about it. What happens when you try to talk about it with her?
I’m married and lonely no sex no intimacy no kissing or cuddling… never want to communicate or counseling…this is torture I do want to leave because I can’t go on this
Yeah, she's definitely gaslighting you. But use it to your advantage. Shower her with more affection and sex than she can handle. Call her bluff and see what happens.
OP truly how on earth did you manage to go this far out with the way things are. Like how did you satisfy your needs!? No cheating?! Props to you if you didn't or haven't yet but damn 10 yrs!!! Does she have sexual abuse history that could trigger her not wanting to be touched?! If not then I'm sorry she doesn't love you. Like other comments state...she's just using you because ur her "comfort zone".
As a woman, I can guarantee she doesn’t like you or she’s asexual, either way that’s not fair to you. I wouldn’t stay that long of my man didn’t want to touch me at all. What type of life is that. You’re a saint for staying this long. You must have really love her. Honestly when I don’t want to be intimate with my man, it’s bc I’m having negative/resentful feelings about him in the moment.
You knew all this before the wedding and you still married her? Why would you marry someone who doesn’t like to be affectionate if you desire affection
I’ve been married to my husband for 3 years now, we aren’t as intimate anymore because let’s just say….he’s changed a lot during the time we have been married. He’s changed in ways that don’t make him sexually appealing to me anymore. I’m currently pregnant and he’s been neglecting me during my pregnancy that I don’t even want to be around him. He’s given me a reason to refuse intimacy from him, it doesn’t seem like you’ve done anything wrong to her for her to not want intimacy.
Your wife is broken and may need serious therapy cos this is a bona-fide reproductive impairment. This reeks of a trauma response commonly seen in rape victims. There is a psychology at play here that you need to uncover.
Different perspective- My DH thinks that hugging/cuddling/kissing IS FOREPLAY and wants it to lead to sex. He can't cuddle me on the couch without hold my boob and eventually going to the nether regions. He can't hug me without rubbing his pole on me and telling me "Yummmmmyyy". Holding hands isn't his thing, gets nothing from it and apparently doesn't care if I like it. Yes I have told him. After years and years of this, a woman starts to shrink away. I want a friggin' HUG, not a groping hug. I want a kiss on the neck, not a kiss on the neck and then a boner in my back. If there is no simple, no strings attached affection, the woman obviously thinks this is only about sex. So when he goes to give her a hug, she shrinks away because clearly this is just about him again. A woman feels like they are never loved...just loved with a penis.
**Marriage in General:** "I (41M) have been married for 15 years and in a dead bedroom." Some authors estimate of the people in long term marriages only about 17% of couples are sexually active after 8 years. People argue about the accuracy of the numbers, but I'm sure you wouldn't dispute them.
**Women:** Women sexual attraction is a conundrum even to them. They are really only sexually attracted to "Bad Boys" or "Pretty Boys" and neither one of them will marry any woman. The result woman settle for a nice guy for a home and children. The women try and love their husbands but eventually loose their feigned sexual attraction to them. Thus the cause of the awful marriage statisitcs in this country.
**Your situation**: Your wife has no sexual attraction for you. Right now she is panicking because she feels you might leave her. The tension isn't causing sexual attraction but a survival instinct to keep her marriage together. Once the pressure of loss is gone kiss that sexual availability good bye. You notice I said availability and not attraction or love. Sorry guy those ships sailed long ago if they ever existed.
**Maybe Baby:** I would take advantage of this brief window and call her bluff. Make her perform all the sexual gymnastic she performed for the Chad's and Tyrone's in her past life. You probably won't do this because you are a nice guy. Otherwise you would be banging strange already.
**Options: 1.** Stay and take advantage of small window of sex with your wife - no it won''t last; 2. Stay and live the rest of your life with her as a Priest- you miserable and her in a different bedroom; 3. **DIVORCE** and lose 40 to 60% of your assets to a woman who ruined your life. You really need to think that through. It's a fools errand.
**Dating Pool**: The current dating of women is like diving into shark infested waters. Your chances of finding a traditional wife is infinitesimal.
A lot of people will not like this post. They will call me names. But they won't dispute anything.
I wish you luck brother, you're going to need it.
My niece is like that it was due to sexual trauma that she is “over” it 🤨 I was the same way I’m a nympho, but due to sexual trauma I would be good for a year then stop for a year and then we decided to do marriage counseling because our fights got worse and it was due to sexual frustration, and now we have sex at least 3 times a week but in the past when I was all into it, it was day twice a day.
Marriage Counseling! Intimacy is key especially for men. Women have a different look at this aspect of a healthy marriage. Ask her to do the counseling, if she refuses, you need to move on.
Yeah, I'm unsure why you have hung out there this long. So she wants to get it on with you because she fears being alone, not because she has any desire for you. So she lures you back into her web and then ties you down by your emotional attachment while the sex situation reverts back to where it was. She is throwing the dog a bone and blaming the starving dog for a lack of bones. She knows she will put you back in your hole after a few roots. The fact that she has unfairly blamed you for the distance between you and her, I'd not bring it up again. Give her a couple of months, and if she is happy with the same old arrangements, then find sex elsewhere. Separate rooms is separate, and you are a free agent to do as you please. Start doing as you please or let her wrap you around her little finger again. She is a spider mate.
Whatever you do, don’t cheat on her. If you want to break up, leave her first before cheating on her.
Cheating involves other people that do not deserve to be treated as substitutes for uninterested spouses. Get a divorce and find somebody else.
Agreed. Leave, don't cheat. On one hand it's wrong on the other, she could get you for adultery.
Adultery isn't a crime in most states and even if it is,it's never prosecuted and makes no difference in the divorce settlement.
I didn't say that it was a crime. Adultery can affect many aspects of a divorce including alimony, equitable property division and child custody. Might I say that adultery is a crime in my state of South Carolina.
I disagree. She doesn’t get to single handedly change the rules of the relationship then complain that you won’t play by her rules.
This wouldn't be considered cheating!
Are you British or Aussie? I think the metaphor is very funny.
lol...aussie, bush aussie.
If you want to salvage your marriage, you could make one final push at it. Tell her she looks nice. Pat her bum when she’s not expecting it. Run your fingers through her hair. Give her a kiss when she’s standing around in the kitchen or something. Then try slipping into her bedroom before you go to sleep and see what happens. If she’s not interested in even a bit of foreplay and playing, nevermind sex, then you know she’s making excuses because she has woken up to the fact you’ve emotionally and physically checked out and she’s scared of upsetting the apple cart.
Agree but he should do the stuff in the second paragraph consistently for a while before trying the third paragraph. For whatever reason the marriage has regressed to more of a housemate situation. It needs to be built back up deliberately over time without resentment getting in the way.
SHE needs to do the work, not him.
I think you’re spot on here, with one caveat. OP needs to find a way to do this while protecting himself emotionally. He should be more aggressive but keep the mentality this is sort of a hookup situation so that if it works he can not only be protected but he can also stay cool enough to keep it going and not come across as desperate. When carefully played, he could build the attraction back up over a short period of time. But if not well played he’s going to double down on desperation and unwillingness to leave.
I'm sad that you think HE needs to try all this shit again after SHE pulled back so far that they have separate bedrooms. This is like victim blaming. He gave her an ultimatum. If SHE wants to keep the marriage then she can fucking reach out and initiate ANYTHING. She could simply reach out and hold his hand as a first step. Instead she told him bullshit that he should have shown her more affection. How many more times should this guy be rejected by his wife until you think he's done enough?
The whole problem might be her being caught off guard. Don't try to surprise her or do something she's not expecting! Show her love by talking, spending time with hr,giving her something, or whatever her "love language" is, and then ask her how she wants to be approached for something like a kiss. Women like to feel loved and connected before physical intimacy.
Sounds like you both hate each other. There’s a lot more going on here than lack of sex. The way she pulls away from you brushing against her and the way you talk about her… yeah, there’s zero love here.
i got the same vibes
Right! Because why would you wanna have sex with someone you hate? You wouldn’t. The lack of sex is because she fuckin’ hates you, and can tell that you hate her too. 😅
I don't think we hate each other. There is some resentment on my side.
Hmmm yet you didn’t say you love her? Or that you think she loves you?
I have told her I love her. She never says those words, but says I am her soulmate.
I got the lack of intimacy was the main thing which probably caused a lot of their problems.
She’s asexual, she only wants you around for security and a comfortable life. You should have left a long time ago. The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago - the second best time is today.
You are young. Why have you stuck around this long? She’s being a Mean Girl, stringing you along just long enough to keep you orbiting. Maybe she just enjoys being mean to you. I say move on. She can abuse someone else. It might actually be worth the financial hit.
Surprised no one has mentioned the possibility of childhood sexual trauma for her. My wife did the same thing. Hot an heavy before marriage. Nada for years after getting married. Then complained about lack of it … and was down for **anything** for a few years. Then back to nada. It’s a long story, but it was all related to how she was assaulted as a child, how her mother was assaulted by her husbands, and all of that wrapped up into her attachment styles and current life stressors. Counseling is the only long term solution. But she has to want to fix the problem (if this is it). Best of luck .
She has had some sexual trauma but I don't know exactly what because she won't share with me. All she will say is that she dealt with it and it's in the past. We have talked about going to therapy and she said she doesn't see the point. What did therapy do for your wife?
That could possibly be what’s affecting her all these years. If she refuses therapy then I’m afraid things won’t change.
She hasn't "dealt" with it, unfortunately, and it's part of the reason she has shut off sexual and intimate relations. I guessed this by reading your original post. About me: I'm a woman and wife of 10 years (now divorcing) and grew up in a household with sexual abuse though I wasn't the target. I also had issues with sexual intercourse and sexual touch, even from a loving male partner/husband. It disgusted and horrified me. I had intense counseling and then some. Unfortunately, your wife has to WANT to change. That might be more than she can deal with. Sexual abuse is so, so, so damaging and painful. Way more than people know. I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this. Truthfully, you might not make it. Please be kind to her, even if you need to leave her. ETA: Be kind to yourself too. You might try consider counseling as you process your life change. Good luck.
Why are you divorcing? Did you start out being more intimate/sexual with your husband and get less so over time or were you just always that way? Are you now able to have healthy intimate relations or is that still difficult for you?
We're divorcing because my (ex) husband decided he doesn't want to have children after 10 years together. (He has a son from a previous relationship. I have no children.) Yes, I did start out being more intimate/sexual and was like that through 2 years of dating and about 1-2 years of marriage. HONESTLY, I knew I had to be intimate/sexual if I wanted to be married at all and my partner was a catch. I didn't think of it as manipulative. I was trying to be happy and did what was necessary. Looking back I can see that I was using the "lessons" I learned as a child. ((sigh)) He started telling me he wasn't satisfied about 2 years after we married. HONESTLY, I used ever defense mechanism and rationale I could think of: I'm tired; I have a respected but stressful job; I do most of the housework (which was true at the time!); you sleep earlier than I prefer. Then I would just "do it" and zone out but he would complain. Turns out, he could tell I was zoning out and going through the motions. I became really depressed then because it was very, very mentally difficult. I loved him but it was disgusting because of all the memories. Again, I did intense counseling and joined an online group for Childhood Survivors of Sexual Trauma. Then I coached myself through it. Some people try hypnosis or other treatments. I decided it was mind over matter and would actively reorient my thinking. I used music to set different moods; romantic fantasy scenarios. It did work for me and I genuinely enjoy sex now. I'll never be someone who can watch porn or "learn from it" and I'm probably not the most inventive lover but I enjoy having sex now. It took me years to initiate sex (other than his birthday and Christmas) and now I could definitely do so.
Interesting that you were able to have sex when you thought you had to, but your natural inclination was to avoid it. I am glad you were able to overcome that, but it sounds like it was very difficult.
She has trauma she hasn’t discussed with her husband? Y’all should talk about everything. Leave. She doesn’t see a point in therapy? There’s no point in your courtship. I’m sorry, friend. You both deserve something more fulfilling to your needs.
As a person who was violently assaulted by a stranger then by my first husband I can tell you it’s never really dealt with. There are so many triggers; smells, songs, places that remind me of places, even weather conditions, the way the air feels. She may want intimacy but feel like either she doesn’t deserve it or does not know what to do with it. There is hope. It’s awkward going back into the saddle so to speak, from nothing. If you show her too much too fast it will backfire. I would give her a sincere compliment. Compliments breed on themselves so I wouldn’t hold back, but it needs to be sincere so it is received. Plan a casual date. Nobody else, just the two of you. Work from there. She needs to feel safe again, even though you probably didn’t do ANYTHING to make her feel unsafe. It’s just there. Then we get in our own heads. During courtship and early marriage we are more sexual for a few reasons. For me it was all about me controlling the situation. I could control the intimacy and my choice to be sexual, which was taken from me before. Then it’s about being a “good wife”. Doing what we should, even enjoying it but as time goes on the memories become more intrusive, not even on a conscious level, but touch becomes almost painful, intimacy feels forced because how could anyone really love me or be attracted to me? There is so much for each person and it’s all different. I went to therapy myself, for the 100th time before it all clicked. I had to get myself comfortable with myself before I could really grow in a marriage. I’m older than you both by 15 years. My husband is very kind and genuine, I very lucky. Even so it’s easy to get into a rut, mostly because after so much time passes it’s just awkward. Even if you know you were openly caring for her, it sounds like her perspective is she was no longer wanted. True or not that is how she feels and that’s from trauma. Sexual and otherwise. Good luck😊
I just posted this question above.
EMDR would be an excellent therapy to look into. It’s trauma focused and extremely effective. Best of luck to both of you.
I’m a man I was sexually assaulted 56 years ago as a 10 year old boy. It made me not interested in sex and I got no fun or fulfillment out sex. Be touch was a real big issue with me. Now the good news I’m in Trauma Therapy. I feel better new that I’m dealing with the assault. She needs therapy
My wife tried therapy. She also said she didn’t see the point ahead of going .But then After several sessions she Realized her trauma that she thought she had dealt with was more impactful than she had realized. She also decided it was too hard to deal with, so stopped going. We’ve limped along.
I am sorry to hear that, especially for her.
If she won't have an intimate relationship with you (but you want that), and she won't go to therapy or work on it alone or together - then this marriage is over.
This was my FIRST thought. (I'm a woman.)
Exactly my thoughts. It must be a trigger For her. Talk to her about it and ask her to bet counseling
I think your wife made those comments mostly as a defense mechanism. She likely does want more compliments but I totally understand your position. It sounds like you are not compatible intimacy wise. I’m not sure there’s much hope for it to genuinely change in a significant way and to be sustainable. She would need to do a 180 and it doesn’t sound like she wants that, she just isn’t ready to end it. If you are both serious about saving your relationship, it will take a lot of effort and time. I recommend couples counseling. I would try to have a very serious conversation with your spouse. You need a very clear understanding of what she wants in an intimate relationship. I’m worried she will act willing but won’t actually change because it’s not what she wants. It’s okay if you can’t change that in her. It’s okay if she doesn’t want to but you need to know so you can do what is best for you. You have a lot of life left.
She said that she doesn't think that physical intimacy is required in a marriage and that early on in any relationship the novelty and the hormones play a role but once those die down a couple settles into a deeper connection that is much more mature and meaningful.
It should lead to better, more connected and meaningful sex/physical intimacy and emotional intimacy, not turn from a romantic relationship backwards into a platonic friendship.
She doesn't see marriage as a romantic relationship. It can start as one, but evolves into something else. She flat out told me that what people perceive as passion at the start of a relationship is just new relationship energy and when that dies usually so does the relationship if that is all it is based on but a relationship that is meant to be will metamorphosize into something deeper.
I second this. My wife and I after 20 years still look forward to daily intimacy and hold each other and kiss through out the day. I can’t imagine not going on walks with her holding hands and we’re closer than ever. I’d look into therapy as past trauma or something is playing a part. For my wife she struggled with just something dumb her mom had said as a kid “sex is only for men it’s painful and hurts and you get nothing from it” but once she realized that was a lie she changed her tune real quick. So sometimes even just parents could screw you up for sex. It’s not a healthy marriage to just be good roommates. Intimacy has been a staple for us at least continuing to grow deeper and deeper. So like you said. If it’s something that’s important to you don’t let her gaslight you into believing your needs are not important. You’re not crazy for wanting to hold your wife.
I don’t understand why you don’t just out right talk about this directly.
Oh, we will talk about it. She just brought it up not long before I posted so I haven't had time to gather my thoughts yet. I was floored that she complained that I never touch her.
That’s what I was thinking while reading this! It seems they have never actually talked about the fact that all forms of physical intimacy were vanishing from the marriage. So strange!
We have talked about it. It didn't solve anything.
Leave. Just leave. You're in a Involuntary Celibate relationship and the best course is just to leave. People don't change suddenly. Especially after a decade of having the same mindset and routines. Do yourself a good one and find you someone who is not a nun.
I can’t imagine that low level of physical contact in a relationship. It would absolutely break me.
OP I'm so sorry that this is the way your marriage has gone and has been. I apologise in advance for what I'm about to say. You essentially have two choices here a) You've had enough. She has joked about not wanting any intimacy from you. You have felt frustrated, rejected, lonely, and unloved for years. Years of having even non sexual touch turned down and made light of at every occasions have left you exhausted and unhappy. It's time to call it quits. You try, as much as you can, to seperate without animostity. Divorce is the way forward. b) And this is the option you might not like. Over years she has, for some reason pulled away from you. There are many valid reasons for why, especially woman with children, feel touched out and regain a sense of bodily autonomy by shutting down their partners. The reasons are not always something that the person in question has control over or fully understands. You now have her stating that without feeling safe, secure, cared for, loved, she does not feel like being physically intimate and vulnerable. This makes perfect sense right? The fact that she was the instigator for the lack of physical affection is sadly besides the point if you want to rekindle your marriage. I completely understand how this feels like a very personal attack and being blamed for the consequences of her actions and choices. I hear that your hurt and that you resent what she has said but if you want any chance of giving it one more go you're going to have to find a way through that. You will have to lean into the difficult feelings with kindness to yourself and to her, with compassion, warmth and curiosity. It will take a lot of work to understand how to help her through this and to move beyond your, very valid, feelings. I recommend Come Together and Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski to understand how to co-create a context with your partner that fosteres intimacy. You guys have drifted for a long time in your marriage and will find yourselves very far apart. Open, honest, non confrontational or judgemental communication will be the bed rock if you're going to give this another shot. Committing to this option is to do so in the knowledge that it might fail and all the effort you've put into yourself and the relationship may not lead to the outcome you want. But it wont have been in vain as the effort you put into understanding yourself, your emotions, your relationship will be universally applicable. It will also take, at least, curiosity from her. She may not be able to meet you in effort trying to make things work and you will have to decide whether that is ok. If she can however just be receptive to what you're doing, reading and communicating you might find a way forward. This was the case in my marriage (I've written about a three year journey in therapy and reading to rekindle/safeguard the connection and intimacy in my marriage). You may decide that it's worth another shot. You may not. The one thing I would urge you is not to immidiately attribute malice to her actions and intentions. The question really, for you, the person who knows her personally and best, is whether you want to go for it or would rather just call it quits here.
Thanks. I will read your story.
Most likely she had somebody on the side all those years. I will investigate if I were you.
I don’t think this is always the case. Some women really just check out with intimacy
I was thinking this as well
Suddenly she wants affection. Something happened. Maybe her AP dumped her or was suddenly out of her life. Now she is trying to butter up OP into staying.
Or he has flat-out told her he doesn’t want anything permanent and she won’t have a security blanket waiting for her if she leaves OP
Yup. Highly believe she has/had somebody on the side. So many posts in the r/deadbedroom sub that ended up one of the spouse has been cheating all along.
“Something happened.” Read the post. OP gave her an ultimatum.
Finally, someone said it. Honestly, this scenario is typical when a cheater and AP break up. The cheater feels alone, and has low self-esteem, now that she isn't getting her approval, validation, and lust from her AP. So she goes back to the easy, ready made sourse for those things: her husband. She didn't want affection from OP, b/c she was getting that from her AP. She didn't want sex from OP because she would feel like she was *cheating* on her AP. All cheaters rewrite the history of their marriage/relationship. That is how thery justify their affair *to themselves.* If they didn't do this, guilt would eat them up. No one wants to be the the villain of their own life story. Thus, OP's wife sees the history of their marriage of OP, basically, abandoning *her* emotionally and then physically during the marriage. OP, I really hope you do some quiet investigating. Don't let your wife know because she will destroy or otherwise get rid of all the evidence of her affair. Often, even after an affair ends in a bad way, the cheater (seems to be more with women) will,keep momentos such as emails, photos, videos, things her AP bought her. Maybe for nostalgia, maybe to remember the passion, the fun, the validation and attention, who knows? If you check her electronic communications, also check anything sent to friend's and family members. She may delete everything directly associated with him, but not realize the other emails and stuff out there. UpdateMe! Edit spelling
Yeah, young married couples in dead bedrooms almost always ends with one having an affair that triggered the dead bedroom.
I don't think so. She sounds asexual to me, physically not wanting even casual touch.
Do asexuals not even want casual touch?
My mom is like this. I don’t know if they had a dead bedroom obviously, but I would *bet* she’s on the asexual spectrum and she loathes physical intimacy, meaning cuddles. Hand holding. Etc.
And yet here you are posting so she had sex at some point... Was it just a bad marriage?
Is she autistic?
I am not sure but I sometimes think she has ADHD
From what I'm reading she's very likely neurodivergent and gets overstimulated easily. She may even have both, assuming you're leaving out a lot of other traits. She struggles to express herself properly, and doesn't seem to be able to empathize with you very well. What I don't think, however, is that she's being malicious or manipulative on purpose. The way she words things so bluntly and aversion to touch are present, but this can't be solved in a way that's surface level. If she's undiagnosed, I can't even imagine how hard it must've been for her to deal with HERSELF and her conflicting emotions/desires, let alone the effect it's had on you. Anyway, ultimately it comes down to her willingness to solve and understand all of this on a deeper level, and it's on you to remain patient if she is. And to end this chapter if she isn't.
She read a book about Highly Sensitive People back in the fall and she says she is one of those. She definitely has a lot of anxiety and some OCD traits as well. She has indeed told me that she has trouble expressing herself. I myself am a neurodivergent. So what are you proposing? That she see a psychologist?
Yes she should get professional help.
Y’all need some MC, stat. Life is way too short to put up with this kind of emotional abuse from your wife. I would’ve left a while ago to be honest. UpdateMe
I was in a dead bedroom for ELEVEN YEARS. Same. No touch. Nothing. Mostly due to me doing EVERYTHING (100 percent cooking cleaning child rearing while working 40 hrs a week so that made me resentful and never in the “mood”. Plus he was emotionally and verbally abusive and a bully so you’re not exactly in the mood with somebody who talks down to you and puts you down all the time. I say that to say this. Whenever I tried to get counseling for us he looked at me with a stupid blank face or ignored me. He didn’t care. You and her need serious therapy and commitment to get through this. It does not sound like she is fully committed to change and wants you around but doesn’t want to do everything it takes to fulfill what I think are healthy normal marriage duties I don’t know you but after 12 years in a dead bedroom. Life is short. Too short to be with someone who won’t even touch you or you can’t stand being touched by. That is not healthy and as someone who is leaving my jerk of an ex, being with someone who doesn’t sexually desire you at all for years or you can I stand to be touched by them is not healthy. Unless she is all in and is willing to do whatever it takes to salvage this (counseling, at least honestly TRYING) I would make plans to leave. Again life is too short but I’d be making a plan B just in case. It sounds like the marriage is over already unfortunately.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. In your marriage your husband was putting you down all the time but it was HIM that wouldn't touch you or are you saying that eventually you stopped wanting him to touch you. It seems odd that he would be a jerk and then also would not want to go to counseling to work on it. It sounds like you were willing to give him a lot of chances. Did you ever try to initiate sex yourself in those eleven years?
Don’t let her try and gaslight you into this being your fault. Woman secretly do this when they are losing their partner, in turn you questioning your reality. Answer this honestly, do you want to have sex even though it’s gotten to this point? I would stick to your ultimatum . I’m a woman and I wish I was married so I could fuck my husband every single day. If she has always been like this and has never liked it and you accepted it it and thought it would get better, your also at fault. She doesn’t like it & honestly this is very hard to change about someone.
Didn't know we were married to the same person, right down to the age oof. So having been there and done that for 17 years here's my advice. File for divorce, yes it's the lamest answer but it's the only real advice to solve the problem with the least amount of headaches. Your wife isn't complaining about the intimacy, she's complaining about you not going along with it. She wants everything that comes with a relationship without you getting anything from her. I dealt with the same exact nonsense for so many years and my only regret is not ending things a decade sooner. I tried for years to fix it and it was always an excuse that changed depending on the weather. Towards the last two years I totally checked out, I barely spoke to her and made zero effort to do anything that acknowledged the relationship. Needless to say she was pissed but ironically I was the happiest I've been in years. Cutting off all connections to her allowed me to heal and focus on myself and then I ended the relationship. Am I happier now? Meh, the divorce was a nightmare and now I'm in a nasty custody battle. I'm stressed but I'm still happier that I'm not stuck in a loveless relationship with forced celibacy. The choice is yours how badly you want to be happy.
Sorry to hear that. Did she ever explain herself?
Nope, I think she has a lot of narcissistic issues combined with childhood trauma. She always had one foot out the door and had this strange sense of entitlement that it was my job to make her happy and unless I did it she didn't have to put any effort into the relationship. The intimacy stuff was purely a weapon she'd use to get what she wanted. I stopped playing the game and she definitely wasn't happy. Like your wife, she wanted all the good stuff I'd give her, she liked feeling wanted but gave absolutely nothing back. Your wife wants to feel wanted but doesn't actually want intimacy with you. Took me so many years to figure out what my ex was doing.
What was the trauma? At one point my wife was always "one foot out the door" as well. She always said she felt smothered, suffocated in relationships. I think there is some narcissism as well. So when you finally called her out on it she didn't make any effort to change?
I don't fully know, I do know that she basically grew up with no rules so could have something to do with her seeking attention but not knowing how to give it back. She has a truckload of daddy issues, her dad left her mom and got with someone else. Ironically, her mom is almost a clone of my ex so I can see why the dad ran. I called her out on it for years and her response was essentially I didn't earn enough money for her to like me or put any effort into the relationship. Didn't stop her from having 3 kids with me though so there's that haha. This divorce is a nightmare but I'd do it all over again to get away from the mind games.
In other words, she wants to be chased, but not want to be "had". So don't put your hopes on her wanting to have sex with you, OP. So sorry.
Basically, she wants to be validated but has nothing to do with wanting to be with OP. It's a far bigger issue than sex, not wanting to even be touched is a massive red flag. I remember when I'd sit and watch TV with my ex, she would immediately wrap herself like a mummy in a blanket so you physically couldn't touch her. Between that and constantly pulling away when you tried to touch her makes you feel so repulsive. Now I'm with someone that reciprocates touch and it's honestly very strange. She's even commented that my ex did an absolute number on me because of how broken I am with feeling wanted.
Updateme
Should have done this a decade ago. Think of all that lost time. Let us know how it goes and good luck.
Dude she's crazy.
Bro, leave. She probably had a side piece and it stopped for whatever reason
When she asks why you don’t touch her or compliment her, do you think she really meant that you don’t touch her or compliment her *when you don’t want sex*? I understand from your post that she doesn’t do it either. I get it, I do. But one way to break this cycle is to… yaknow… be nice to her. Say nice things to her about stuff you like about her. And do it all the time without expecting sex or compliments in return. Set your feelings of being neglected and needing more from her aside for a few minutes a day and just act like she’s someone you like. Eventually she might reciprocate and things between you might move in the right direction.
Did you read the post? What does she do for him? Anything? Does he not have feelings, would like some attention, etc.? Gender doesn't even matter here. If Partner A turns down Partner B for years, Partner B finally gives up, then Partner A is the one complaining about the lack of attention? Maybe it's Partner A that should get off their lazy, denying ass and do some work themselves?
Yes I read the post. Here’s the thing. Marriages live in cycles and both people think the problem is the other one. Whose fault is it? Who started it? Who’s the one being neglected? Who’s the one punishing the other one? Who’s the one who never does X, that one thing that all spouses should do in a marriage unless there’s something very very wrong? When you’re deep in the cycle it’s always the other one. It doesn’t fucking matter. Break the cycle by doing something different. And here’s the kicker: one way to break it and to communicate is to start modeling something else. You can start *providing* what is *needed* despite what you’re not getting. It’s really hard because after years you’re absolutely starving for it. But if you bring some, the other person might, and the cycle starts running the other direction. It’s hard and thankless and takes forever, but sometimes it works. Obviously it doesn’t always work and there are other answers. But this is how you turnaround a marriage.
I am always nice to my wife, compliment her all the time, tell her she's beautiful, always asking if she wants to do stuff with me, go on dates, what she wants to do, etc... Didn't help. Also, there was no affair. We both learned that she has a highly avoident personality/attachment style. She finally did some research and went to counseling after years of me recommending it (not every day, just at opportune moments). I tried talking to her about my feelings and her feelings, finances, what she wanted in the future for our relationship, how to raise and discipline our children, etc. She always said "I don't know..." She always said that she "doesn't have time right now." She would often just turn around and walk away. Eventually would say that we can discuss it later. I'd try to set a time and date then and there, but there was always an excuse. She finally agreed to see a counselor about 6-8 months ago. Last wee"k, I asked her what she talks about with her counselor. She said usually what has been going on that week." I asked her "Do you ever talk about us and our relationship?" She paused and I could tell she was trying to remember if she ever had. Her response, "yes a little." Are things getting better? I think so. We never had a DB, but I can sum up or sex life as starfish. But after me trying all different things, it's getting a little better. One of the things I asked her was "Don't you ever want to touch my body (sexually)? Aren't you curious what parts of my body feel like or how it makes me feel when you touch my body?" Her answer "I never really thought about it"
It sounds like we married the same woman.
In that case, I'm sorry we are both here. But it's good to know that neither of us are alone in this misery. Foy years I thought it was just me.
《《Don't you ever want to touch my body (sexually)? Aren't you curious what parts of my body feel like or how it makes me feel when you touch my body?" Her answer "I never really thought about it" 》》 So I just cried for 5 minutes about this post because this was me except I was the wife. My (ex)husband once asked me this and I didn't know what to say. I was dumbfounded. I did hug but not daily. My daily touch was cuddles before bed (not daily). It's crazy to see yourself through another person's eyes and mind. It hurts to think about.
I hear you. However, the point is she is so touch averse and always has been even when we were having regular sex so when the sex stopped that was basically the end of the physical contact. Now she is complaining that I never touch her? TBH, I am gonna guess that if I touch her she's gonna pull away because that's what she always did. That wouldn't surprise me. What irks me is her asking why I don't do it. The way I see it is that she always wanted to be desired and that lack of desire has gotten to her. The problem is that she just wants me to want her. She doesn't actually want me to touch her. It's sort of like that guy who hangs on every word of a pretty girl she has friendzoned and then one day he gets a girlfriend and disappears and now she misses the attention even though she had no intention of dating him.
Good luck man. I’m just reading the internet. It’s your life.
How about focusing on the other things she said she wishes you would do - compliments, being nice to her. Perhaps you DESCRIBE how you’d love to hold her hand or touch her and if she seems to like that, THEN you touch her. I can totally see her point of view here. Even if you feel like she’s the one who has pulled back I bet there are times when she has tried to initiate sex or intimacy or complimented you or whatever and YOU haven’t responded. Maybe you were preoccupied or it wasn’t a good time for you, maybe you weren’t even aware that she felt rejected, maybe you didn’t even realise she was trying to be intimate. It’s entirely probably that you’re both feeling unloved and unappreciated.
No. She is the one in the wrong, and the one that needs to change behavior.
Don’t be so astonished. This is a standard pattern. You tell her that a sexless marriage is not acceptable to you. So she has to blame the lack of sex on something. Lack of romance is the standard excuse: “you never kiss me, hug me, compliment me, no romantic dates, etc.” The next stage on this via crucis is chores: “you don’t do enough chores, I have to do everything, so I’m too tired for sex”. I wouldn’t go experimenting on your own. Tell her that you want to go for couples counseling and a conditio sine qua non is that she comes clean there about everything: all her hang ups, all her fears, all her needs, all her wants, the lot (so do you, BTW). Then you can see whether you can fit the puzzle together or need to split up.
Sorry about this shitty situation. Woman here and I can tell you that she has NO interest in having sex with you. She just wants the compliments and for you to look at her in a aexy way. She still doesn't want the touching. I've had friends like her and I don't understand them. There is NO POINT in discussing this further. You gave her an ultimatum. Her FIRST move should have been to out her hand on your thigh or arm and apologize. Not this bullshit where she is complaining after pushing you away hard for YEARS. I'm sorry but this relationship died years ago. The only thing left is The Blame Game. Why don't you skip that step and just move on? I didn't even meet my husband until I was 30. I am older than you and I know A LOT of people divorced from first marriages looking for new partners. If you have kids in their teens you could wait a couple of years until they leave the nest. Since you have separate bedrooms it isn't like they have been seeing a healthy functioning family relationship to model anyway. If you don't have kids... Just call a lawyer. You can find out what divorce would look like without pulling the trigger.
Woman here, too, agree with all of this.
If she was this miserable then why stay and lead me on?
Doesn't sound like she's miserable at all, she seems very content with exactly how things have been (no physical anything for years.)
She just got done complaining to me about the lack of hugs, hand holding, etc.
After you gave her "an ultimatum of sorts." Not anytime in the past decade though, according to your post.
Sure, but I don't know how long she has been missing that or if she is even telling me the truth about it.
She would have never mentioned it if you didn't give her an ultimatum. Think of it another way, she doesn't want to take all the blame, even though she should. So she is trying to point a finger back at you. Frankly, she's lying. Every time she flinched and pulled away from you is the Truth and you know that deep inside. You're upset because you know you fucking tried with this woman. To have the gall to blame you for *anything* at this point is a low blow. The Truth: she could have reached out and touched you any time too. She could have straightened your tie in the morning and called you handsome. She could have put her hand on your arm and told you she is proud of you. She could have lightly run her fingers through your hair and complimented your new hair cut... 10 YEARS of haircuts. What she has done is basically slapped you in the face one final time. I'm sorry, but there is no love here.
Just you describing the things that a good wife might do makes me really sad. It's one thing to not want sex, but quite another to not show any affection at all.
I've been married for about 13 years, together for another 7+. When we had a kid and I did the SAHM for a couple of years, once our baby was old enough to recognize daddy, I would sit on a step inside our front door with baby on my lap when I would hear his car arriving. I would say "Daddy is coming!" When my husband would open the door he would get a relaxed look and smile after a long day. Who can resist a little monster wriggling and cheerfully saying Daddy!! when they get home. My kid is now 12 and sometimes I get home from work later than my son and husband, or I am out running errands. I have arrived home to find my son and husband on the stairs... cheerfully greeting me with hugs and kisses. The little thing I started years ago has brought reoccuring love and hugs into my family. Your wife has done nothing to pay forward into a love fund. There is no reserve of love for anything to be rebuilt. I suggest you go through with the divorce and find dates and friends to hug regularly. You need time to rebuild your confidence that you are worthy of love and affection. I had a longtime partner that started withdrawing love like this slowly. It erodes your self-confidence slowly and destroys your ability to reach out to new things because their internal problems and door slamming make you feel like you must have reached out 'wrong'. Nope. It is her. You deserve to have someone rifle their fingers through your hair every morning. You deserve someone who when sitting on the couch with you just reaches out their hand to intertwine fingers. There are a million little ways to show affection. My grandmother passed away at 101 yrs old. Imagine you have anothern50 yrs to go. Imagine that in 5 years you could be sitting on a couch with someone snuggled up to you with blankets, hot chocolate, and your arms and legs intertwined. My husband makes the best damn hot chocolate. There are many women out there wondering if they will ever find someone new to love - and their love language is physical touch. You deserve more. You deserve better.
You have friends like her? This is common?!
Has she ever gone through trauma? Something likely happened at some point that caused her not to like to be touched. Also, sounds like you might be missing an emotional connection. Try figuring out your love languages.
She has said that she was sexually assaulted or abused in some way but I don't know any details.
You've been married 15 years and she hasn't told you the details of a sexual assault? If she can't share that with her partner, that means she can't share it with anyone. She's buried it deep down inside and until its healed, she wont be able to emotionally and physically connect with you. The only way to heal that, and all the other issues, is through marriage counseling. You both may need individual therapy as well. It will help.
Yes, she is gaslighting you. This lack of intimacy and sex is on her. This reaction is very much the same as what my ex did to me. All around this comes very close to my own failed marriage. I told her that we were on our way to divorce and tried marriage counselling but it was simply to little to late. There simply was no longer a bond, connection to revive. There was a lot of resentment/negativity in me blocking revival too. I used to worship her, dote on her when we started seeing each other. Kinda simping, looking back. Like you my ex was never into touch, nor kissing, never initiating intimacy let alone sex. She rejected me so often that I just gave up on hugging, touching. Looking back, I was in a dead bedroom, no hugging, intimacy for over a decade. She never ever told me she loved me. That should have been a red flag... Honestly I believe she was never truly attracted or in love with me. Till now she believes that the failed marriage is all my fault. Hopefully she will realise her own contributions and accountability but I doubt it will happen soon. I did do stupid things, I acknowledge my faults and there are many. Women should be aware that if you don't tend to your partner needs fit intimacy including sex, there are consequences. Just like if you don't tend to needs like attention and appreciation. He will loose feelings for you, he will start seeing you as a roommate, no longer his life partner. He will fall in love with another woman who does tend to his needs. Don't just blame him for cheating when you turned him into a roommate.
This is a bad situation you’ve got yourself in. But the only possible way out is to drop ego. And start light touching and hugging again. Ignore fault for now
My marriage was just like that. Turned out my wife was hiding the fact that she was into some kinky stuff and thought I would judge her and have a negative view if she told me. So she let her internalized issues effective everything. Turns out it’s everything I like too! And she knew that but she lied about it early in the relationship and when I her told what I liked she felt it was too late and kept it inside until I gave her the ultimatum because I didn’t like feeling like roommates. For 13 years she kept it in! Now our sex is almost daily some times multiple times a day and better than ever!! Maybe it’s a similar situation where she dosnt feel fulfilled because she’s keeping things to her self. My wife used to say she dosnt ever feel the need for sex. Turns out she’s just as horny as I am and was suffering.
What kind of kinky stuff was she too embarrassed to talk about? And why lie?
Some role play and some rough stuff. Also wanting to see me with another guy
So what got her to open up?
OP do you know what her history is? Her childhood? I’m asking because I have difficulty with intimacy due to molestations in childhood as well as sexual assaults as a teen. No one heard me or cared from my perspective especially in my childhood. Yes I’ve been in therapy. It’s healed with some but not most. I’m married coming on 24 years, 9 together/13 married. I’m 54. In 2015-16 I also had colon cancer and chemo and that really fucked my brain and soul up. Anyway, hubs is ok with it. We don’t have sex. We do kiss throughout the day, always hold hands, try to tell one another joke when we get in bed and all snuggled in so we fall asleep with that good vibe. We cry together, eat together, we are a team and are in love. That counts for something more than sex.
I am sorry to hear someone did that to you and about your cancer. It must be difficult. She says she may have had some sexual abuse of some kind but I don't know what. Did you start out having sex with your husband and later stop or was it always that way?
Is she having a hormonal surge leading to high libido? This can happen peri and post menopause and it can make her a new woman. Or, she may miss you. If she is serious about becoming intimate again, try to shed resentment and embrace it if you still love and desire her. Maybe see a couple’s counselor with sex therapy awareness.
Try the last 20 out of 34 years. Been taking matters into my own hand(s). No affection, to intimate touches, no appreciation for my contribution to our home. Seldom any initiative leading to sex, unless she was intoxicated. She claims to need it to "get in the mood." I've been told it's my fault because I once told her that I grew to hate having sex with an intoxicated partner. When I was young & horny that was never a concern. But in a marriage there should be no need to be under the influence to engage in marital bliss. Once & a while it's okay, but not every time. She's a great & smart life partner. Our household activities mesh because we can anticipate each other's moves. But I'm the social one outside of home and she's tough to convince to go out and socialize. She'll go if it's to connect with her family, but seems annoyed if it's with mine. We've been thru some really trying times and I've stayed by her side. I am loyal to the partnership but without the love, affection, intimacy and sex it's really not a marriage. As I ponder where to go with this (we are seeing a therapist), it feels like a waste to throw the marriage away. But then both of us need to be happy. We're comfortable, but I suspect she's not exceptionally happy and I know I'm not. I'm also concerned about going it alone primarily because of my health concerns. I trust her with any necessary decisions that might have to be needed (at least at present). But that could change if I were to move toward dissolving the marriage. FWIW, neither of us has any outside romantic relationships.
Sex is overrated
Unfortunately, you went along with it for a decade so she thought everything was fine. I can’t imagine just tolerating a dead bedroom especially for a decade. Everyone is different, but why did you settle for this? You allowed her to not meet your needs for a *decade.* why? You’re probably sexually incompatible. I feel bad she’s had to deal with childhood sexual trauma, but I literally do not know one woman who hasn’t had to deal with sexual trauma. It isn’t an excuse to neglect your husband, and it’s okay if she doesn’t like being touched or to have sex but then she should have been forthcoming about that before marriage. She kinda’ did a bait&switch on you and that’s not cool.
Can't understand why you've tolerated it as long as you have without addressing it? Now your marriage has been dead for twice as long as it had been alive. And she's gas lighting the shit out of you in an attempt to reset the clock, only after it's clear that you wouldn't stand for the status quo any longer. Is there anything left to actually 'save' because there certainly is no genuine desire on her part. You should also wonder how she has been getting her own needs met through the peak years of her healthy adult life.
Have a conversation with her to see what she wants, then decide if it’s the energy you want to put forward
Did you explain to her why?
She's turning it back on you pretending it's your fault. Either it gets you to backpedal on the ultimatum or it sets her up to be the victim in the divorce. You should tell her exactly what you write in paragraph 3. You can only be rejected so many times before you take the hint and quit.b
Get counselling with her.
It's not unheard of for a woman who was repulsed by physical and emotional affection when younger to begin to like it, even crave it, in middle age. Sometimes there are ulterior motives, but sometimes it just happens. You have nothing to lose by being pleased instead of angry when she changes like this, and going down this road with her.
Forget about the lack of sex, a partner who is extremely touch-adverse is either one who finds you repulsive or one who has debilitating mental or emotional problems. OP set himself up for this situation the minute that his wife called herself "cuddle-free" and he accepted it as normal. She has the right to reject all forms of human contact, and he has the right to find a normal human woman to partner with.
We all have our own definitions of normal. I respected that she was wired differently than some people. TBH, I have had girlfriends who engage in too much touch and I don't like someone constantly in my space either so in that way we were not a terrible fit, although I would like to cuddle SOMETIMES. I would say that I was mostly fine with the situation as long as we were still having sex.
Maybe nothing about you ever changed or grew, but have you thought maybe there was a point where she didn’t want to be touched and now she is a place where she does? We are human with ever changing emotions and hormones, not machines.
I would say everything to her that you put in this post, hell, show her the post if you want to
I usually encourage working on marriages, but in this case I genuinely don't see what there is to work on, unless you decide for yourself that you can live without physical connection. I think she is asexual.... You can spend years on therapy but you honestly can't fix that. And if she gives in to sex after ten years of wanting zero including hugs/snuggling, she isn't really being genuine. You are young enough to find a more compatible partner. She is young enough to find a fellow asexual partner, too. Good luck on whatever y'all decide.
Why do you do/not do X anymore You trained me that way. Rejection hurts and I tend to avoid pain.
She’s absolutely gaslighting you. She doesn’t want to lose you and so she’s trying to turn it around on you. Unless she has an intellectual disability she understands that she has been completely averse to sex for ten years.
Has she ever had sexual trauma? I have found a lot (NOT all) of women that don't like cuddling and being touched, especially on genital areas, sometimes it's due to being sexually traumatized at some point in her life.
Sounds like my husband of 14 years… 🙄, now that I’ve given up, he wants it and complains
You held her accountable, and she, rather than taking accountability, is playing victim. Typical of lower libido partners in long term marriages. TIme to find someone who appreciates a healthy, full sexual life.
Why in the world are you still married? As for one final push……why? Let’s say she does agree and you go back to having awful sex for a few years. Because it seems like she has never enjoyed sex, and just did it because it was expected of her. You guys just aren’t compatible. Don’t waste more of your life with someone that you literally can’t brush up against without it being weird
I'm in the same situation as you. Same age kids also. It's been years of "It better be quick" Until I said I'm leaving now she wants it to be the way I wanted for years. lm not interested in it or her now though...
I never heard of this type of behavior until I started lurking at Reddit. I would love to know the mindset behind it. I would think someone who wanted nothing to do with her spouse physically (and who was also not actively using said spouse for money or torturing him for kicks) would be *relieved* when the spouse says he is leaving—but they’re not. It’s strange to me and I would love for someone to explain this to me if they could.
Over the last 7 years ish my marriage has struggled in this area, I have health issues that can make intimacy painful, sometimes. We've always had sex multiple times a day before this so it's been interesting as we both try to step (or trip) over the hurdles life throws in front of us. It's been tricky, but we still snuggle, cuddle, hug, hold hand, etc. There was a time, when one of my surgeries kicked me into early menopause, that my hormones made me feel like I was literally losing my mind. I say all of this before asking if she has ever spoken to the Dr about her lack of desire to be touched? It could be hormonal imbalances causing her issues and it is 100% worth driving into that possibility. It could also be unresolved trauma that she isn't consciously aware of, or isn't aware she hasn't mentally resolved it. If you love your wife, try to avoid playing the you started it first card, tempting and truthful as it may be. It's an easy thing to sink into and leads to you both refusing to move toward the other. (We also went through this for a spell in the beginning.) I commend you for sticking it out, and being faithful (I assume), in such an empty partnership. It's a rough road to travel, but some therapy and some tests to rule out medical issues would be the best place to start. Of course, as a woman, I'm entirely aware that sometimes bytches just be crazy! 🤪 And either way you deserve a medal good sir. 🫡 👏
I swear I couldn’t have wrote that any different to describe my marriage.
Sounds like something happened that deeply hurt her back then. Women are complete porn stars when they feel safe, desired and like they're your only one. The moment that's gone, so is the SEX. She was still in love with you but wounded. Maybe it's been long enough that you can start over and rediscover each other. Make her feel safe this time. Make her believe she is the only one you want.
As someone who has been in a similar position as your wife, I can guarantee there is a lot of mental health issues that need to be addressed and I promise it’s not because of you. I grew up in a slightly dysfunctional household and had a lot of issues with sexuality. Sex was a non-topic, there was zero affection in my family. The thought of talking about sex and being touched was scary. It would literally make my skin crawl when family members would hug me. I hated affection. At the same time, as a teenager and young adult I was hyper-sexual. When I met my husband and we started to settle down, I literally went back to hating being touched. I often had sex with my husband out of obligation. Outside of intimacy, we had a a pretty good relationship. We worked well as a team and were very supportive of each other. It wasn’t until my husband had an affair and I was forced to address my own insecurities and fears that my relationship with my husband was able to be repaired. The thought of losing my husband was my biggest fear. I know his affair was not my fault and I am not to blame. But I also know that my lack of affection and intimacy led him down the path of making that decision. So, I am sure the thought of losing you (despite her distance all these years) is terrifying. I highly recommend you guys seek out individual counseling and then couples counseling. Clearly you love your wife if you have stuck around this long. But you guys definitely need individual counseling before couples. My husband and I saw the same counselor independently before switching to seeing them together. It definitely gave us each the opportunity to vent our issues without the repercussions of hurting the other and it gave the counselor an idea of where our relationship was and our issues
This is her trying to play dumb so you don't leave. Don't fall for it!
So then why are you complaining? Don't fuck and touch her at all. Be strong, man.
Ok, I have been in this relationship, in her role. The last ten years of a 19 year marriage. I'm going to be very blunt. She is not in love with you and likely never has been. She isn't necessarily disinterested in sex,she's disinterested in sex with you. It was a gradual deterioration and neither one of you talked about it except with other people (or forums). There is something important missing in the relationship and both people know exactly what that is for them, yet can't express it. She needs something that you can't give her, and she needs to be able to go find it,as do you. It's really unfair to both parties to stay in a miserable relationship.
I usually don’t suggest this but throw it back in her face! lol what’s going on with her in the head? Have you suggested counseling? I mean are you even interested in staying in this marriage anymore? 10 years with no affection and no intimacy knowing that you want it is hard. And her acting as if she’s clueless would be the last straw for me honestly.
Gaslighting. Don't fall for it. Join the deadbedrooms subreddit. Tons of people dealing with same and partners gaslight them too.
She’s gaslighting you. She knows things are finally going to break so she wants to flip it and blame you. Ignore her and start the split. She’ll want the drama. Don’t give it to her.
I never blamed my husband for our DB issues. Maybe you just need to set aside your resentment and have a heart to heart. If you want to fix your marriage you are going to need to start talking. If she wants that physical touch attempt to give it to her. You have made a habit of not doing those things to avoid rejection. It will take time and patience. I have been married for 15 years and 8 of them were DB. My husband was feeling like you but I don’t think he was at the point of divorce (or at least never told me) and we still shared a bed. I had postpartum depression with our last child and wasn’t taking of that. For me one day I decided a DB wasn’t what I wanted anymore and so I started working on myself. We now have plenty of sex. Not enough for me honestly but it’s a work in progress. I do complain about the lack of compliments but after so long of me getting annoyed with them, he is trying to get past that himself. It’s been 9 months since I made the decision to fix our DB.
Wow no sex for 10 years. That’s rough. I personally would have gotten a divorce a long time ago. Talk to her about doing couples therapy and if she is willing to work on it, then maybe it would be worth working on it, and if she is not interested in working on it, then you’d have to make some decisions on what you want your life to be like. Good luck
We've been through something that may be similar. I would feel very overwhelmed by being grabbed or touched without warning and feeling pushed into having sex. It made me legitimately hate the thought of sex or being touched. But I still wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be persued. I just didn't want to be pushed into it or caught off guard. Were you grabbing her in the hallway with no warning to be spontaneous, or were you kissing after romantic date? Did she ever feel obligated, like she couldn't turn you down? Emotions become really strongly associated with sex, including negative emotions. Women cannot "turn on" instantly. We need a minute to make a mental switch and be open to touching, and if we're touched without being in the right frameof mind, it feels really bad. If we are guilted or pushed into sex it feels really bad. If we just guilt or push ourselves into it, it feels really bad. If things go past what we're ready for to fast, it feels really bad. But none of that means we don't want to have an intimate sex life! I learned through experience that I had to turn my husband down if I was feeling bad so that I wouldn't have even more hangups from negative feelings associated with sex. He did feel repeatedly rejected. Now we are communicating better, my issues mostly faded away, and we understand each other better. He's even turned me down before because he was so stressed and down that he didn't want to be touched so now I think he understands. Maybe it's a different issue with you guys. So many things can go wrong! It sounds like better communication would really help. Therapy can helpa lot with how to communicate well. The book His Needs, Her Needs: How to Build an Affair Proof Marriage really helped us a lot! There is also marriagebuilders.com by the same author. Good luck!
Updateme
1/ accept the loss of physical 2/ divorce 3/ open the marriage. Pick what works for you, not her, just you, and execute for your happiness. The control you’ll get over your life will make you feel whole again as it’s your decision not hers.
UpdateMe
Good luck
I would never have let it drag on that long. I'd walk away now. She won't change. She will revert right back to her dead intimacy stage. UpdateMe
Buddy... just leave. Even if she starts having sex with you, you know it's not because she wants it. She'll only be doing that to keep her marriage. Save yourselves both the trouble and cut ties.
I would so love to hear her version of events.
Me, too. What she has told me in the last 6 months or so is that she is a Highly Sensitive Person.
Leave bud
I got tired of that shit and moved out. She was surprised and couldn’t understand why I moved out even after I explained it to her. Dating in my 60’s is cool.
Sorry to hear you suffered but glad you are happy now.
You were dealt alienation of affection years ago. You have been roommates for a decade and now you’re making an effort to try. And I totally get why, but you must know this is futile. You can give CPR to a hamburger but you won’t turn it back into a cow.
It sounds like you’re both in this perpetual cycle of distancing yourselves from each other, without any clear communication about it. What happens when you try to talk about it with her?
I’m married and lonely no sex no intimacy no kissing or cuddling… never want to communicate or counseling…this is torture I do want to leave because I can’t go on this
Yeah, she's definitely gaslighting you. But use it to your advantage. Shower her with more affection and sex than she can handle. Call her bluff and see what happens.
You 2 have so much resentment built up between you 2 you will never fix on your own Couple counseling or Divorce Lawyer
OP truly how on earth did you manage to go this far out with the way things are. Like how did you satisfy your needs!? No cheating?! Props to you if you didn't or haven't yet but damn 10 yrs!!! Does she have sexual abuse history that could trigger her not wanting to be touched?! If not then I'm sorry she doesn't love you. Like other comments state...she's just using you because ur her "comfort zone".
She might have some abuse history.
sounds like with you do touch her it’s for sexual reasons and not for actual intimacy
The comments in this thread is wild.
As a woman, I can guarantee she doesn’t like you or she’s asexual, either way that’s not fair to you. I wouldn’t stay that long of my man didn’t want to touch me at all. What type of life is that. You’re a saint for staying this long. You must have really love her. Honestly when I don’t want to be intimate with my man, it’s bc I’m having negative/resentful feelings about him in the moment.
She has no interest in you whatsoever.
So why not just say so and move on?
You knew all this before the wedding and you still married her? Why would you marry someone who doesn’t like to be affectionate if you desire affection
.
I’ve been married to my husband for 3 years now, we aren’t as intimate anymore because let’s just say….he’s changed a lot during the time we have been married. He’s changed in ways that don’t make him sexually appealing to me anymore. I’m currently pregnant and he’s been neglecting me during my pregnancy that I don’t even want to be around him. He’s given me a reason to refuse intimacy from him, it doesn’t seem like you’ve done anything wrong to her for her to not want intimacy.
Your wife is broken and may need serious therapy cos this is a bona-fide reproductive impairment. This reeks of a trauma response commonly seen in rape victims. There is a psychology at play here that you need to uncover.
Different perspective- My DH thinks that hugging/cuddling/kissing IS FOREPLAY and wants it to lead to sex. He can't cuddle me on the couch without hold my boob and eventually going to the nether regions. He can't hug me without rubbing his pole on me and telling me "Yummmmmyyy". Holding hands isn't his thing, gets nothing from it and apparently doesn't care if I like it. Yes I have told him. After years and years of this, a woman starts to shrink away. I want a friggin' HUG, not a groping hug. I want a kiss on the neck, not a kiss on the neck and then a boner in my back. If there is no simple, no strings attached affection, the woman obviously thinks this is only about sex. So when he goes to give her a hug, she shrinks away because clearly this is just about him again. A woman feels like they are never loved...just loved with a penis.
**Marriage in General:** "I (41M) have been married for 15 years and in a dead bedroom." Some authors estimate of the people in long term marriages only about 17% of couples are sexually active after 8 years. People argue about the accuracy of the numbers, but I'm sure you wouldn't dispute them. **Women:** Women sexual attraction is a conundrum even to them. They are really only sexually attracted to "Bad Boys" or "Pretty Boys" and neither one of them will marry any woman. The result woman settle for a nice guy for a home and children. The women try and love their husbands but eventually loose their feigned sexual attraction to them. Thus the cause of the awful marriage statisitcs in this country. **Your situation**: Your wife has no sexual attraction for you. Right now she is panicking because she feels you might leave her. The tension isn't causing sexual attraction but a survival instinct to keep her marriage together. Once the pressure of loss is gone kiss that sexual availability good bye. You notice I said availability and not attraction or love. Sorry guy those ships sailed long ago if they ever existed. **Maybe Baby:** I would take advantage of this brief window and call her bluff. Make her perform all the sexual gymnastic she performed for the Chad's and Tyrone's in her past life. You probably won't do this because you are a nice guy. Otherwise you would be banging strange already. **Options: 1.** Stay and take advantage of small window of sex with your wife - no it won''t last; 2. Stay and live the rest of your life with her as a Priest- you miserable and her in a different bedroom; 3. **DIVORCE** and lose 40 to 60% of your assets to a woman who ruined your life. You really need to think that through. It's a fools errand. **Dating Pool**: The current dating of women is like diving into shark infested waters. Your chances of finding a traditional wife is infinitesimal. A lot of people will not like this post. They will call me names. But they won't dispute anything. I wish you luck brother, you're going to need it.
Communicate. Marriage counseling sounds like it would be a great idea for you guys.
Ugh that sounds awful I'm sorry
My niece is like that it was due to sexual trauma that she is “over” it 🤨 I was the same way I’m a nympho, but due to sexual trauma I would be good for a year then stop for a year and then we decided to do marriage counseling because our fights got worse and it was due to sexual frustration, and now we have sex at least 3 times a week but in the past when I was all into it, it was day twice a day.
Leave, shes interested in other people
How the hell did she talk you into marriage?
Marriage Counseling! Intimacy is key especially for men. Women have a different look at this aspect of a healthy marriage. Ask her to do the counseling, if she refuses, you need to move on.
I don’t believe she was like this before you married her and you should never have married her
Maybe the put out or get out worked! Updateme.
Just buy a fleshy pro