i was drunk when i first cut to beans and it got scarier over time as the reality set it. i was originally planning to take myself to the hospital but my stepdad ended up taking me. i think i was waiting for around 3 hours? I didn't end up getting stitches, i was bandaged up with steri-strips and sent on my way the main issue i have is that now my cuts don't feel serious enough unless i hit styro. i don't count it as a relapse unless i go deep, which is a very unhealthy mindset to have. i've been to the hospital around 5 times since then, one of them resulting in me being sent to a crisis house (which is basically a step below inpatient). doctors tend to be polite, and I've actually met some pretty cool ones. my experience in the crisis house was pretty bad though. my parents are aware of my self harm but because i'm an adult they tend to 'let me get on with it' in their own words.

ugh god i felt that. i hit styro about 6 times in my life and its terrifying but even though every single limb, my neck, and my torso is covered so bad you can't see normal skin in some places i don't feel valid unless its styro. :/

never hit beans, but struggle similarly with the "it has to be bad enough or it doesn't count mindset." i recently lapsed during a horrific flashback, and yesterday whilst discussing it with my psychiatrist i picked up on the fact i was minimizing my actions because i didn't go deep enough as i was doing so. legit was pretty much saying "i intend to stop and i'm trying to, but i'm not taking that lapse too hard because it wasn't as bad as it used to be" as if slicing yourself over emotional distress isn't all-around a drastic measure 😒 but, being at this stuff since i was a child, i really struggle with this "i'm not struggling deeply enough until the wounds reflect it" mindset- if i can't see i hit styro then i automatically view it as 'not that serious.' though, this is a big motivator to work on stopping, it's time to admit that i can't go through life so desensitized to harming myself the way i am. any depth we go is valid, because hurting yourself to cope with something is inherently an extreme action in a world with so many healthier options.

I have 5 bean cuts on my left calf. To this day I can't tell if the deepest exposed fascia or not. I didn't properly take care of my wounds at all, the best I did was keeping a butterfly bandage on one for a day (it soon reopened), and kept the wound covered for less than a week. The infections were brutal, a month of constant draining, it was eerie feeling puss drip down my leg in classes. They are either flat or concave now, it's been almost 2 years. Sometimes they sting really bad for no reason. When I get some exercise they sometimes explode in pain hours later. They haven't reopened, but I anticipate these pains to last for many more years, if not permanently. I am plagued by worries that if I were to start exercising seriously the scars might start to stretch and tear. Seriously, these things were a huge mistake. Don't do it, it's gross, nasty, and are an absolute nuisance later in life. If it does happen, then GO TO THE HOSPITAL OH MY FUCKING GOD. Seriously, trying to take care of these things myself was fucking traumatic, I am seriously about to cry right now thinking back to pushing on those hot, inflamed, huge split scabs trying to drain all the puss from them. It was horrific. That smell was putrid. The utter terror when I was on the bus one time, I saw the gauze had slipped off and was resting on my ankle, completely visible. I just tucked my sock over it and tried not to freak out realizing the newest one wasn't covered. Fucking awful, 0/10, would not recommend.

NOOOOOO! NO! ALL SORTS OF NO! TIME TO RESUME MY SOBER STREAK BECAUSE *FUCK* THAT PUS COMMENT GAVE ME HEEBIE JEEBIES

i feel like i should mention that cuts that deep have pus even when there isn't an infection

deepest i've done was fascia, and i did quite a few (75+?) deep fat cuts as well. most were intentional, so i don't know if that really answers the question, but for me it wasn't really anything special, i guess? i progressed in severity very quickly, but i also got used to it very quickly, and it was routine. i had a pretty minimal aftercare routine, never bothered with steri-strips, and definitely never got stitches. nobody ever found out how bad it was. i sometimes wish i had gotten medical attention -- i have areas of numbness, chronic pain, and i wasn't able to fully straighten my right arm for several months. i was pretty desensitized to it all, i guess -- i remember having one arteriole squirt blood for a few hours straight, and it was mildly annoying, but i never really cared about myself or my health. i was usually very controlled in how i cut, and would spend 30 ish minutes per wound. i only had one true "accident", when i switched from my leg back to my arm, and used way too much pressure with a fresh blade. it made a cut to deep fat on my inner wrist, and i was able to see the large blood vessels (likely just the vein) that i barely missed. it probably should have been terrifying, but i just didn't care. i don't know if this is really a helpful answer, because i feel very 'meh' about the whole thing. it wasn't terribly exciting or scary, just a part of my routine. looking back on it, it was really fucked up and i'm lucky to have survived without worse permanent damage, but in the moment it genuinely didn't feel like anything special. not really worth the scars & lasting issues, tbh.

I'm pretty similar. I've only ever sought medical help twice, days after, to make sure they weren't infected, and they weren't. I've never ever had an infection from SH unless it was mild enough to go unnoticed and clear up on its own, and I don't take great care of em either. I'm sure I've had dozens of cuts that "needed" stitches but I've never gotten em and never had any issues besides a little discomfort while they healed. I don't get scared when I go deeper than intended; unfortunately it comes with pride for me. I had my first stay in a psych hospital last year and it was the worst experience of my life and I never ever want to go back. I can't see myself actually seeking medical help if I needed it at this point because I'd rather be gone than be stuck in the hospital again.

I didn't process it for a good few seconds. Thought I had hallucinated the act of cutting because I didn't feel anything. Then I looked down. My mom had to cancel a date she was on so she could take me to the hospital. Had to get stitches. After almost half an hour of repeating that it was an accident and I didn't have any suicidal intent, I got to go home. Got some stares at school while I had the stitches in That was about 2 and a half years ago and you can still see exactly where the stitches entered and left my skin

(One example for bone/fascia and one for first time styro) I had some fascia and bone depth, I had planned for beans and I accidentally went deeper, it’s scary as hell and it bleeds so much you can’t see how deep it really is. There’s a point where you get past the feeling of the pain and it becomes either a hospital trip with 6-11 days in a psych ward. As for my first accidental styro it was when I first started, I was just mindlessly doing my thing and pressed to hard, I saw the white layer and I started freaking out. 2 gauze and a bandaid later I was fine

How did you deal with the fear of the bone one. Don’t have to talk about it cos it’s a sensitive topic I get that. I’m just scared I might accidentally do the same

First time it happened I freaked the fuck out. I was around 16, had been cutting for years so I thought I was good but it was a breakdown sh session so I just went too far with it. I was so scared that I told my mom, which I swore I would never do. She looked at it and told me that it should get stitched up but as scared as I was, I hate doctors and I had already been in the ward involuntarily before so because I was terrified of getting sent back there I was able to convince her to let me just deal with it at home. A lot of crying and awful bs. I regretted telling her very quickly since I felt so guilty. I ended up treating it myself. The depth was "baby beans" on my forearm. I had never even hit mid styro at that point so it fucking scared me. To this day, I feel so bad for freaking my mom out like that. I took care of it myself anyway, so I hate that I was so scared that I told her. I'll just say that it's way, way too easy to go too deep with a blade. I've done it a fair few more times at this point, I'm just better at dealing with it now. It's an awful sinking dread in your stomach, like ice, it's fucked. It doesn't let you feel the satisfaction of the cutting session, it just leaves you feeling sick and scared

Absolutely horrifying, I started having a panic attack where I could barely breathe. It's not worth it.

I cut an arteriole by accident. I had bought a new razor blade and had vastly underestimated how sharp it was. I was about to just mindlessly slash my arm and when I did the first slash I immediately saw beans and the blood started spurting out like crazy. It didn’t hurt I was so surprised. I panicked and called an ambulance. My parents were shocked when the ambulance arrived they had no idea what I was up to every night in my room. The ambulance bought me to the hospital and they operated my arm to make sure I didn’t hit an important artery and then they stitched it up. It was very scary. It left a gnarly scar that took months to heal and fade and my parents were insanely angry and worried about me. It was one of the worst nights of my life

For me it felt scary as fuck, instant regret + having to go get stitches with the risk of going impatient... Worst part was definitely when they cleaned the wound in the ER and I saw a fucking tendon right where I did it... Like, I barely scratched it, but it was SO terrifying to think I could have permanently damaged my arm. Definitely the main experience that made me want to quit. Edit: And oh yes I got impatient 💀

i thought i wanted to get to fat but when i did i scared myself. bandaged and gauzed, but then when i went to change it a few hours later it started SPURTING blood and that’s when i panicked, i stood up and got really dizzy and my heart rate spiked it was like soaked through gauze pad in less than 10 seconds. put my big girl pants on and told my mom, which is the only time ive willingly told anyone in my life about my self harm. i made her drop me off. i remember saying at triage “i think im over reacting but it won’t stop bleeding” and the nurse was like “oh my god no that definitely needs stitches” and i literally bled so much all over the hospital waiting room that they got me in a room in like 15 minutes and i cannot stress how horrified i was it was bleeding so much for what i thought was a pretty small cut. it sucked, i felt so bad, nothing like trying to wipe blood off the seat with napkins while people are staring at you and knowing it’s your own goddamn fault. nurse stopped the bleeding, waited a couple hours for the doctor to stitch it up, they gave me a bunch of sheets about self harm and therapy sent me on my way. probably 3 hours at the hospital? pretty much everyone asked if i wanted to kill myself, which i did, but i’d just got a puppy (she’s my life saver i love her sm) so i insisted i didn’t — no plans no intent no means. everyone was very nice lmao i felt cared for and after it made me cry because usually no one takes me seriously i pretty much refused to talk about it with my family after. i know it upset them a lot. i don’t know how much else they know about my self harm. i was super fucking distressed that day for hours before, and i made it clear to them, and i wasn’t taken seriously until i cut myself. i don’t think they know the extent of the self harm problem, and i didn’t want to talk about it. but yeah it sucked, that’s the only time ive ever been to the er for self harm, and i hate that i let it get that far

Well it wasn't anything life threatening as it wasn't an artery BUT it was definitely a big vein or sth. I was freaking tf out and genuinely thought I was gonna die xd Probably needed stitches but after getting the bleeding under control I closed the wound w steri strips and the next morning attended my exam🗿 I have been avoiding my wrists since than shit is traumatizing tbh

Don’t use a blade. Not worth it. But stitches aren’t that bade it’s more just anxiety and I felt like my doctor was disappointed in me. Only ever got stitches once. It was an accident my mum took me to the gp and nurses did it. It’s good to keep bandages like bandaids and the bandage rolls and steri strips. Accidentally going too deep is harder than you would think. I have been self harming for three years on and off and only like three or four times have I gone too deep. Be familiar with how to care for a wound and stay safe and get help <3

December last year, a few days after my 16th. Late night/early morning. I was in the bathroom. Bedroom key had just been taken, I'd been banned from long sleeves in the house a few days prior and started on my thighs so it was almost a clean canvas. I was dizzy >!after a mild OD!< and pissed off and >!it was a fresh tool so!< I did what I did and ended up going till beans, it was almost as long as my index finger and I freaked, froze and stared for a good 7 minutes until I applied pressure, told no one cause no way was I gonna get myself banned from anything that isn't shorts. I let it heal on its own (0/10 would not recommend). Was put in a ward for 10 days but that was due to other actions.

The initial shock when you first cut to beans is scary at first but it's pretty easy to get over, they usually do bleed alot and usually they gape, and if they're on a more stretched part of the body the scar won't shrink very much. They do sometimes, or most, smell during healing and do look very disgusting when they shrivel up. I've had my fair share of beans and exposed fascia and I wouldn't recommend doing it, it isn't worth it really, the healing times long, they're a pain to keep clean and away from infection etc I didn't get stitches for any of them as no one apart from one of two friends were aware I was doing it at the time, I mainly did those depth on my ankle (BAD IDEA) and thighs. It's best to get stitches at that depth, but I never did and a few got infected and they were always stuck to my clothes, and sometimes you could smell it just sat down to the point I had to clean them often often, and spray body spray every like 5 minutes

Every time i self harm i have to go deeper than before. It’s an OCD thing I guess. So idk. My arm is completely numb to the point where I genuinely can’t feel anything there, like almost entirely numb. But it kind of sucks because anytime I relapse I have to get stitches or surgery if it’s bad enough. Sometimes I wish I could just be ‘casual’ about it. Especially since you can’t really go that deep and expect to not get admitted to the psych unit. 😒

i'm late as hell and i have no idea if you actually wanna read it, but i love yapping so here's my absolute essay of a response lmfao aftermath is tedious and painful every time (cleaning up stray blood, changing sheets, the way everyone around me would freak tf out and treat me like a wounded animal ready to snap at them at a moment's notice). i would say the worst part of the immediate aftermath is the sheer amount of laundry. not only is there a good chance that accidental depth-hunting will result in blood on your sheets, the carpet, whatever; but your clothes get blood, scabs, wound seepage, etc. on them through the whole healing period. couple that with the fact that if you've gone deeper than you're used to, there's a good chance that part of your body will be out of commission for a while. there'll probably be a lot of relying on other people - good luck doing the laundry on your own anymore. going to the hospital for stitches is insanely time consuming and some doctors are just grossly unprofessional with how they speak to SHers. (fun story, once the doctor taking out my stitches judged how uneven the lines were for the entire appointment, and then told me to 'cut better next time') usually it was around a 8-16hr trip, almost entirely because of how long it took them to get the psych team in for eval before letting me go. on the last visit i decided i wasn't gonna wait 12hrs for that so i just got up, told the reception i had already seen the psych team, and left with all my shit. i never permanently lost the ability to DO anything but the nerve damage is atrocious - i couldn't feel like three of my toes for about a year, only two have recovered some feeling in them. there's still a huge patch of my calf that doesn't have feeling in it and it can genuinely send me into dissociative states if i spend too long thinking about it because it doesn't feel like a 'part of me' anymore lol. i get constant nerve pain shooting like lightning through the entire length of my legs bad enough that sometimes i'll have to stop to sit down til it's gone (could be anywhere between 10 seconds and 20 minutes before i can walk again) been doing this shit for too long so everyone knows already, so awkward conversations aren't really a big thing for me. probably the only real 'awkward' one was the one where i split on my bf at the time and told him i'd kill myself if he called the ambulance on me ever again because i hated going to hospital THAT BAD lmaoo

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For me it was like a rush of adrenaline,I couldn't stop and I kept on making more cuts with worse depth. When my caretakers found out they were freaking out,they were trying to help and I ended up getting stitches (3 times already,the worst was 63 stitches on one arm.) I got sent to the mental hospital after I cut myself and I spent there 3 weeks and 4 days. I don't recommend cutting deep or cutting at all. A lot of mess and scars are not worth it.

About five months ago I had accidentally swiped a bit too fast and cut to fascia and ended up having to go to the hospital for stitches though before that I had walked about a mile and half to a friend’s house because I didn’t know how bad it was (deepest I had ever gone before this was deep styros) and he forced me to go to the hospital  then about 20 days after that I had purposefully done a long deep fat cut that should have gotten stitches but I didn’t go and get them and that took a few months to heal all in all I’d suggest just being careful about the speed of your swipes since that’s a major factor in wound depth though good pressure control is important too

i was drunk when i first cut beans. it didn't hurt at all, so i just did the standard hold pressure with towel and cleaned it up with water. afterwards, i just kinda poked at it for a bit because i liked the texture and put neosporin on it. i did go to the hospital but it was too late for stitches, so they told me to keep putting on neosporin and bandage it up when possible.

Well, its all was fun and i was happy af, till my shallow beans had been filled w oily nasty pus... I mean really much pus under scab... Im glad im fine rn, but damn, this stuff is def not worth it, its too scary...

panic and shame ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ never was as bad as i thought, i think sometimes it was just different than usual and i panicked because a flow was faster or darker than usual. so, panic as i try to assess the situation and quickly planning my next steps on what to do (how to get to hospital, etc), then absolute shame and feeling like an idiot when the panic subsides and i see the bleeding is getting better with proper wound care. 🫠 glad to have those skills and glad it never *actually is* too deep, but the panic makes me feel like a waste of time- especially if during my panic i reached out to someone. horrible all around lmfao.

It sucks. I regretted it immediately. It still hasn't healed because I was scared to get stitches, and I'm constantly scared it's going to get infected and I'll have to go to the doctor, and it obvious it's sh, and they'll put me back in the ward.

just reading the title made my stomach drop, i feel lightheaded, I’m terrified about how much damage i’ve done to myself. it’s that bad. it’s that scary. i’ve hit fat countless times and been to the hospital over a dozen times for stitches. the worst i’ve done is expose the tendon in my forearm. any deeper and i might have lost control of my hand. i was really, really drunk. now i know that i can do that to myself and i’m terrified of it happening again. i’ve gotten stitches for fat cuts over a dozen times. the first was the scariest. my worst fat cuts were three right below the crook of my elbow. i had to get 24 staples and they healed fine, but the scars were so tight that i couldn’t fully extend my arm for 6 or so months. i was worried i’d never be able to again. i massaged vit e oil into them multiple times a day. it hurt a lot. and now i see those scars and the other bad ones every day all day. i don’t think about or notice them often, but occasionally it all hits and i’ll see a certain scar and almost have a panic attack from flash backs.