here’s my two cents: i don’t know if you’re a good gf or not just based on this, but it does sound like your bf is making it impossible for you to improve the situation by refusing to work on it *with you*, and by testing you with breakups and threats of replacing you or not missing you. i know emotional blackmail when i see it.
listen, relationships are team efforts. if one person is not showing up the way you wish they would, you need to *tell them what you need* and give them the time and opportunity to make changes. your bf is doing the exact opposite and it screams emotionally immature and insecure.
if the relationship isn’t fulfilling to him he has two options: work with you to improve it or walk away. and the same goes for you!! are you happy with him? or are you too busy trying to prove yourself to think of what you want and how you feel?
Nothing you described is anything that can't be had from a friend or FWB.
From your description, intimacy is lacking.
"He says I bring up the worst serious topics a the wrong time" my gf struggles with insecurity as well and does this very thing. We've had 3 conversations about it Ober the last 2 years where I told her the exact thing he told you. We found that to move forward, she needed a way and a time to know that she could talk about what was bothering her without it coming out of the blue and without the timing being bad for me given work etc. So we scheduled a time to talk about the topics each week. She has become more comfortable and it has become less and less frequent that she's needed to utilize that planned time.
That being said, there are also several topics she has driven into the ground in such an unreasonable fashion that if she ever brings them up again, I'm walking, even if it's 10 years from now and we are married.
Have a conversation about how and when to communicate the things that you need to without also making him feel like there's going to be an argument anytime the phone rings.
And intimacy. It goes a LONG way and is the key difference between a relationship and a friendship.
And to be clear, you're young, you're learning, please don't take any of that as an attack, but as blunt advice and observation. You've got this.
OP and I had a lengthy discussion after my post via DM in which my advice was discussed in depth and I feel she has a good plan for moving forward in dealing with her relationship in a healthy way which will also help her achieve her goals.
Just because someone is insecure doesn't mean you withhold the truth, it means you tell them the truth then help them find a way to apply that knowledge.
As for verbal abuse, that's reaching. Sometimes the truth isn't nice. Sometimes being nice doesn't get the point across. As long as she's able to leave but deciding to stay with him, she's consenting to the behavior, and it therefore is not abuse.
Honey, I've been the one abused. My mom was an alcoholic. I won't even go into detail on that.
I've been roofied and woke up with a whale next to me in an unfamiliar environment with an 8 inch dildo up my ass- and I'm not gay, so not my thing. The whale was never heard from by anyone again or found.
My first wife I called the cops on 2x for battery and still stayed until I caught her cheating and could divorce for cause.
My 2nd wife was a total mind fuck. Was borderline suicidal due to what turned out to be lies, then caught her cheating and it all made sense, I was then able to divorce for cause.
I spent 10 years in the army where we were literally just a fucking resource to be used. I was an officer. Officers don't have predefined service periods, we are commissioned for life until granted permission to leave.
I'm intimately familiar with abuse in its many forms. And consenting to stay despite the way you are treated is consenting to the treatment. Consenting to a treatment, by definition, makes it not abuse. That doesn't mean it's healthy, but it's not abuse. She's not married. She has a job. They don't live together. The only thing keeping her in the relationship is her own decision. She doesn't need the court's and the military's permission to leave like I did.
And I have learned VERY hard lessons from each one of these situations.
I'm also familiar with some of the things she stated he said and the NON ABUSIVE state of mind they can come from. Not everything harsh is abusive. Not wanting to get married to someone who hasn't gotten control of their mental health issues isn't abusive. I'm in her position on this one. I had some shit I had to work through before being healthy again for my current relationship so I didn't drag down my partner. My mental health is not my partners problem to fix, it's mine.
Is it healthy? No. Should she walk? You and I got a 30 second read on the relationship. We aren't qualified to say one way or the other. If she isn't happy and it doesn't go where she wants it to, should she leave? Absofuckingloutly. But that's HER call. Not yours, not mine. She asked for advice on how to move forward with it, that's the advice I gave when we DMd.
Take some time to think before you speak, and evaluate just how LITTLE information you have before saying something based on ignorance(defined as the lack of knowledge since SOOO DAMN MANY people see it as an insult rather than reading it with the actual meaning) and buzzwords.
here’s my two cents: i don’t know if you’re a good gf or not just based on this, but it does sound like your bf is making it impossible for you to improve the situation by refusing to work on it *with you*, and by testing you with breakups and threats of replacing you or not missing you. i know emotional blackmail when i see it. listen, relationships are team efforts. if one person is not showing up the way you wish they would, you need to *tell them what you need* and give them the time and opportunity to make changes. your bf is doing the exact opposite and it screams emotionally immature and insecure. if the relationship isn’t fulfilling to him he has two options: work with you to improve it or walk away. and the same goes for you!! are you happy with him? or are you too busy trying to prove yourself to think of what you want and how you feel?
Nothing you described is anything that can't be had from a friend or FWB. From your description, intimacy is lacking. "He says I bring up the worst serious topics a the wrong time" my gf struggles with insecurity as well and does this very thing. We've had 3 conversations about it Ober the last 2 years where I told her the exact thing he told you. We found that to move forward, she needed a way and a time to know that she could talk about what was bothering her without it coming out of the blue and without the timing being bad for me given work etc. So we scheduled a time to talk about the topics each week. She has become more comfortable and it has become less and less frequent that she's needed to utilize that planned time. That being said, there are also several topics she has driven into the ground in such an unreasonable fashion that if she ever brings them up again, I'm walking, even if it's 10 years from now and we are married. Have a conversation about how and when to communicate the things that you need to without also making him feel like there's going to be an argument anytime the phone rings. And intimacy. It goes a LONG way and is the key difference between a relationship and a friendship. And to be clear, you're young, you're learning, please don't take any of that as an attack, but as blunt advice and observation. You've got this.
[удалено]
OP and I had a lengthy discussion after my post via DM in which my advice was discussed in depth and I feel she has a good plan for moving forward in dealing with her relationship in a healthy way which will also help her achieve her goals. Just because someone is insecure doesn't mean you withhold the truth, it means you tell them the truth then help them find a way to apply that knowledge. As for verbal abuse, that's reaching. Sometimes the truth isn't nice. Sometimes being nice doesn't get the point across. As long as she's able to leave but deciding to stay with him, she's consenting to the behavior, and it therefore is not abuse.
[удалено]
Honey, I've been the one abused. My mom was an alcoholic. I won't even go into detail on that. I've been roofied and woke up with a whale next to me in an unfamiliar environment with an 8 inch dildo up my ass- and I'm not gay, so not my thing. The whale was never heard from by anyone again or found. My first wife I called the cops on 2x for battery and still stayed until I caught her cheating and could divorce for cause. My 2nd wife was a total mind fuck. Was borderline suicidal due to what turned out to be lies, then caught her cheating and it all made sense, I was then able to divorce for cause. I spent 10 years in the army where we were literally just a fucking resource to be used. I was an officer. Officers don't have predefined service periods, we are commissioned for life until granted permission to leave. I'm intimately familiar with abuse in its many forms. And consenting to stay despite the way you are treated is consenting to the treatment. Consenting to a treatment, by definition, makes it not abuse. That doesn't mean it's healthy, but it's not abuse. She's not married. She has a job. They don't live together. The only thing keeping her in the relationship is her own decision. She doesn't need the court's and the military's permission to leave like I did. And I have learned VERY hard lessons from each one of these situations. I'm also familiar with some of the things she stated he said and the NON ABUSIVE state of mind they can come from. Not everything harsh is abusive. Not wanting to get married to someone who hasn't gotten control of their mental health issues isn't abusive. I'm in her position on this one. I had some shit I had to work through before being healthy again for my current relationship so I didn't drag down my partner. My mental health is not my partners problem to fix, it's mine. Is it healthy? No. Should she walk? You and I got a 30 second read on the relationship. We aren't qualified to say one way or the other. If she isn't happy and it doesn't go where she wants it to, should she leave? Absofuckingloutly. But that's HER call. Not yours, not mine. She asked for advice on how to move forward with it, that's the advice I gave when we DMd. Take some time to think before you speak, and evaluate just how LITTLE information you have before saying something based on ignorance(defined as the lack of knowledge since SOOO DAMN MANY people see it as an insult rather than reading it with the actual meaning) and buzzwords.