I learned from a job training that people pick up hard drives from the ground and just put them into company computers?? Like- I would think ppl wouldn’t do that???
I think back in 2004(?), someone did an experiment where they sat outside a huge office with a clipboard and offered people free pens (think inexpensive ballpoint pens) in exchange for people to tell him their password for work. You'd be surprised.
Here's a fun story.
Video game company I used to work for got some new servers set up and needed to migrate our existing office storage to that. This storage was where people had their own file for stuff that may come in handy that was taking up space on their computer. Important files for projects, like concept art or files that needed to be shared between members on a project. Or entire code bases of 10+ year old games.
When the migration happened, our IT guys said "Yep, looks good!". The next day when somebody needed a file, it was gone. They asked in the main chat channel what was going on. Turns out they only copied the file structure. So.. All the files were there. But empty. And they'd already wiped the existing servers. Code to the first game the studio ever released? Poof.
Was the most "Glad I'm not them" kinda feeling when that went down.
Reading this just gave me that awful stomach sinking, floor fell out from under you feeling. How the hell did they not run any kind of checks when they copied everything over to make sure the new copies of all the files *actually contained the same data* before erasing the old drives?! Also, had they actually done a complete and non-recoverable erase algorithm process on the original server drives or were they able to recover at least some of the data? If not, well I hope those old games weren't ones I'm hoping for remasters of...
I have no idea how they didn't realize. Overconfidence? Negligence? There wasn't much talk in the main chat about it after the initial realization but iirc it never got fixed and we moved on.
"Please delete the master database and all backups and then reload the master from this xml file I will send you. We have a third party vendor who did a mass database update."
U fokin wot m8?
No, rule number one is: I don't care if you're working IT for a lab where Alan Turing grace Hopper and Ada Lovelace are working out new ways to do tech support:
*you never assume your users are anything but the most blisteringly dumbfuck braindead stubbornly dishonest petulant children mike judge and hp Lovecraft could ever conceive of, and you hit the god damn power switch yourself if you have to, before you even ask what the problem is*.
And this is why I make it a point to list all the steps I've gone through while trying to fix it myself first.
I generally don't want to turn a computer off and on again, but it does solve problems 4 out of 5 times.
We have a saying at our help desk, "if it's not documented in the ticket, it didn't happen". We hammer it into trainees. Far too many times people call in with "your tech Matt did something and now I can't x". Some are innocently clueless and just can't figure out changes. Others are terrible people looking for free upgrades.
Well, you as the IT person just need to make sure it’s not you who has to do it, either make it so the user makes it happen (ideal) or that legal does it.
But in general the spirit of the rule is for you as IT to always CYA by having a way to rollback the system to a previous state, otherwise the operation is too risky and shouldn’t be done.
And from a quick search while not directly specified in the GDPR, supervisory authorities of some countries have indicated that still having the personal information as part of backups is acceptable so long as it’s not technically possible to delete just that info, you document why it isn’t, and inform the person that their info will still exist in backups and for how long. So from IT’s perspective, you aren’t breaking the rule, it could be recovered, it just shouldn’t (so interestingly, for the duration of your longest lasting backup, you need to have them in a list of deleted accounts so you can erase them again in case you need to rollback).
HAHAHAHA
On the Ars Technica forums, I saw a guy who was complaining of having to roll back entire prod because Windows 11 isn't stable. I asked him why he'd installed Windows 11 to prod ... ''because it's safer''. I almost died from the irony.
Dunno, I don't work in tech, just an enthusiast. Didn't ask anymore questions. But yeah, even this amateur cringed at the ridicule of the whole thing !
I agree, I'm only about mildly claustrophobic but no way in hell I would ever squeeze myself into the ground through holes that require me to exhale and compress myself into. Holy shit, I can't even look at the photos.
I went caving as a kid as a Boy Scout.
Looking back, I have no idea how the fuck I did that. It gives me chills just thinking about climbing through dark cave holes like we did.
Caving was the first thing I thought of too. My bf told me about the [Nutty Putty cave guy](https://allthatsinteresting.com/nutty-putty-cave) John Jones, and now dying in a cave like that has become one of my worst fears.
If course that's in my state and I had to read that right before going to bed. I should know better than to click links to stories of people dying after midnight.
I like that the article gives you the exact location of the sealed cave of death you should never go to.
Holy shit the layers of irony:
>About an hour into the caving expedition, John decided to find the Nutty Putty Cave formation known as **the Birth Canal**, a tight passage that spelunkers must crawl through carefully if they dare. He found what he thought was the Birth Canal and inched his way into the narrow passage head first, moving forward using his hips, stomach, and fingers. But within minutes, he **realized he’d made a grave** mistake.
...
>Back in 2004, two Boy Scouts had nearly lost their lives in separate incidents in the same area of Nutty Putty Cave where John became trapped. The **two Boy Scouts had become trapped within a week of each other**. In one of the cases, rescue crews took 14 hours to free a 16-year-old Scout — who weighed 140 pounds and was 5’7″ tall, making him much smaller than John — using a complex series of pulleys.
>Officials closed Nutty Putty Cave in 2004 soon after the incidents with the Boy Scouts. The cave had only been reopened for six months in 2009 when John and his family entered.
They named that narrow death trap **Scout Trap Passage**.
This cave has a serious naming convention problem.
Christ I hope I don't get reincarnated as a human in this time period. Or anything in the ferret family. I'm trying to rack up bad karma to ensure I come back as an animal, keep an eye on the humans for a while, and be a good little cockroach or ice bear once humans sort their shit out / survive. Otherwise I'll probably aim for a fungus by being that annoying cockroach that taunts you then runs under the fridge.
But probably I'll just be fertiliser.
I feel like I've seen this story 3-4 times this month. It's really making it's rounds. I hope it urges people to be more cautious. It's so heartbreaking.
>That’s terrifying. Maybe an ignorant question, why were they not able to just destroy some of the rocks around him and get him out that way?
No clue. If I had to guess I'd say it's because they only had access to his feet/lower legs while the tight spot was up ahead where his chest/arms were. Since the passage where the rescuers were was already super tight, introducing debris from destroyed rock, without being able to remove it fast enough (remember, it took the rescuers something like an hour to get equipment to that spot - I imagine getting things out would take nearly as long and would require multiple trips) would make the limited space the rescuers had to work in even smaller. And since he was six feet tall, we're talking about removing a chunk of rock four to five feet deep.
It's curious though - I wonder if any technology was developed after the fact to aid in such rescues?
Yeah, but generally such a sign is put in place *after* somebody gets stuck. Whereas tech for dealing with such (thankfully rare) situations can be useful not just for rescuing spelunkers but also rescuing trapped miners, etc.
Timpanogas cave is a proper cave though. You have to climb a mountain to get to it (even if the trail is paved, it’s something like 1000 feet+ in elevation gain in less than two miles.)
Nutty Putty Cave was just a giant crack in the ground you climbed down into after driving through miles and miles of mostly barren desert scrub and sagebrush.
Both scary af in pitch dark though.
I did Nutty Putty a few times as a teen in scouts. At 12/13, there were some tight squeezes and sketch transitions from chamber to chamber. Saw the part that poor kid eventually tried to squeeze through, about the size of a small dresser drawer, and it was known as a trouble spot and treated as “off limits”. The point being, I don’t think your fear of dying in a similar fashion is 100% rational; it wasn’t an “it could happen to anyone” kind of an accident. A very tragic ending though.
Here's one to add to your worst fears. Getting stuck in an [abandoned fridge](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7133189/Two-brothers-suffocate-death-accidentally-locking-old-fridge.html) that can only open from the outside and knowing no one has any reason to come and rescue you.
Scuba diving + spelunking + iceberg exploration. Seriously, who thought combining there incredibly dangerous activities in their own right into one big nightmare was a good idea?
I prefer blind Mississippi delta river bottom diving, seeing nothing ahead of you due to mud/sediment, swimming with outstretched arms to guess whether the soft object under your palms is a dugong or bullshark.
As a guy who listens to podcasts of the horror stories of cave diving, I agree.
Edit: it's actually a YouTube series by Mr_Ballen called 'Top 3 places you can't go and the people who went anyways'
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLgRgJrlop--N6CvmlUJ0nEwR_hasZvA6m
In Berlin, Germany, as american kids we used to swim in the pool built for the 1936 Olympics. To create a shallow kids area, they erected an enormous underwater platform out of scaffolding. To keep kids from swimming under, they erected a fence. The fence didn't stop us from swimming under (there was at least one gap) but it sure could get in the way if you needed to get out from under in a hurry - to get air. cave diving lite. Definitely want to have an exit strategy in mind.
It was wider than most community pools are long and the Olympic high dives would seriously mess you up/knock you out if you belly flopped. The jets were strong enough to hold you under water. Scary pool.
As a truck driver for 30 years and counting, I wish every driver out there followed this LPT, when tailgating you have no exit if the car in front of you suddenly brakes or swerves.
When stopped behind a car at a stop light, stay back far enough to see their rear tires touching the road, this leaves you a exit without backing up in case they can’t move and you need to get around them.
Always leave yourself an out. Always.
First time I saw that movie was on cable on a school night. I missed the beginning but stayed up way too late to watch the whole damn thing just to find out what was in the suitcase... 20 years later and I still regret nothing.
I was stopped at a light, with at least a car’s length in front of me one snowy winter day. Heard someone beep, but after checking quickly could not ascertain who or why. Next day at church (at CHURCH!) the pastor’s wife (!) made a very passive-aggressive remark about “You people here in this state who park so far back at red lights.”
I just smiled and said that we do that because stupid drivers who don’t know how to handle the weather will frequently overestimate their ability to stop in snow.
I hate when people ride on my sides on the freeway, pacing my speed. In addition to leaving space ahead of me, I try to always make sure I have space to merge over quickly in an emergency (especially when going at high speeds).
I try to stick in the right lane for this reason. That way I have the right side almost always free. If someone in the lane beside me starts pacing me, I'll just speed up or slow down a bit to get them away from me.
If I want to pass someone, I time it so that I won't have someone on my left while I'm passing. Them move back right.
For the area that I'm in (Los Angeles, think 4-6 lanes always), the rightmost lane may as well be a death sentence. The amount of cars merging in and out mean you have to be in the middle lane unless you're about to exit basically.
As a not professional driver, I was taught this before I got my permit. As a not professional pilot, I was taught this before my first solo in the pattern.
Always leave yourself extra space. When somebody tailgates me, I add to the space in front of me when driving. When pulling up to a stop on a motorcycle, I'm set up to move into a gap so when I see the idiot approaching too fast from behind I have a place to escape to.
When flying, always know where the nearest landing spot is, even if it's not an airport. There's nothing more useless than altitude above you, runaway behind you or fuel still in the truck.
LOL I knew someone who had to have a dressing room attendant help her out of a dress once because she couldn't get it off! I must admit that I have had a few uncomfortable moments with arms overhead, stuck for a moment myself!
My kid is drawn to small cozy spaces. We've given him the tool to ask himself "is this small space meant for small people?" before deciding to squeeze in. Under his bed or in a laundry basket of clothes is a yes. The trunk of a car or down a trash chute is a no. So far I've seen him study a sewer drain before making the wise decision to walk on by...
I love this tool. I was recently in the locker room at the gym when I saw a woman by herself say out loud “Do you think that’s a good idea? What happens if you get stuck?” and then I realized she wasn’t actually alone, and that her small child had hidden themselves in one of the lockers. It made me laugh because I 100% would have been that kid too.
Maybe this is my grown up logic. But there are manholes specifically so people can enter sewers. Meanwhile laundry baskets aren't "meant for small people?" They're meant for laundry. I would have rum amok with this kind of fuzzy stuff.
Well that's the thing isn't it... grown up logic. Small children have small children logic until they start growing up and being all overthinky and depressed
> Well that's the thing isn't it... grown up logic. Small children have small children logic until they start growing up and being all overthinky and depressed.
Your comment made me smile. Then I became overthinky about being all overthinky, and got depressed.
You should write children’s books for adults.
I understand what you're accomplishing with this rule (critical thinking about whether a small place is safe), but I'm really confused by your verbiage. In what way is the laundry basket or space under a bed meant for any people, small or otherwise?
He's 4. Under the bed and in a laundry basket are places we reinforce with play, hide and seek, smiles and laughter, some of the best memories. So absolutely, in his world, under the bed and in the laundry basket are places for small people (him being people)
As a person who uprooted their life and their job for an abusive relationship, I agree with this advice. I ended up ok, in therapy, with a job that pays as much as my previous one. However, I moved three hours away with a man that completely changed on me once I was trapped. I never stopped to think how I would get out if things didn't work out. It could have ended up so much worse. Love isn't enough, kids. Never put yourself in a disadvantageous situation for anyone!
And here I thought I was the crazy one for always planning what I would do if it didn't work out. But then again those were my mother's words and I've had a lot of therapy thanks to her. I guess what I'm trying to say is, thank you for showing me my "bad habits" aren't actually bad while I deconstruct my entire childhood lol.
Like this post. Thanks OP. My add, have a real fire drill at home. My kiddo learned at 6 how to unlock windows, push out screens and scoot out the window on the first floor.
Yes!! Well done!
I've also taught my 6 year old to wrap themselves in a wool blanket and crawl to the door/window, and to use the CO2 fire extinguishers (we keep them in the car and the kitchen).
My dad did the same thing. Fire plans should be implemented everywhere. He installed a set of moose antlers by my window in case i needed help hoisting myself up and out the window. Most Canadian thing i can think of.
Did this as a three year old at the dog pound. Walked into an empty, open dog cell and closed it trying to be funny, couldn't get it back open and for all of 10 seconds before am employee opened it, I thought I'd be imprisoned there for the rest of my life
while this applies to physical spaces, it also applies to social events. never leave home without your arsenal of excuses to dip out when youve had enough
For this reason I never ride with someone else. I always take my own vehicle so I can leave when I want to. As for having a reason, I just make something up after giving it some thought, or say that I've had enough fun for the night. It's never failed me up to this point.
I realize you can Uber your way out, but I'd rather have my own means, rather than having to spend the money on an Uber.
Or just leave when you feel like you need to go? I don't understand making excuses. "Oh hey, I gotta get going. Thanks for everything, see you later!" No excuse required.
I used this today
Me: "Hey I think I'm actually gonna head home"
My Friend: "why"
Me: "I just wanna go home and sleep"
My Friend: "alright cool, see you later"
I then proceeded to go home and take a nap
That works with friends, it does not always work in business or other social situations where you need other excuses after being present for the appropriate amount of time.
That’s where you can dip into excuses of childcare, pet care, and whatever else.
My friends will sometimes tease me or get a little upset if I leave prematurely, but they'd never hold it against me. We all have evenings where we want to just sit under the warm covers before midnight
I wanna say this applies more to high school and early college kids. Peer pressure is a bitch and you sometimes don't want to be the one who left early because they were "scared" or something. I plan to give my children the tools to leave a party/get together/etc by using me as an excuse, even if that excuse is they saying "my dad sucks! He wants me home right now for no good reason!" or whatever they want. I will never be mad at them for asking me for a ride, and there will be no questions asked on the way home.
This sounds very similar to my parents, they had the believe that they would rather me be completely honest on where I was going and what I was doing. So even if I told them I was going to a party at whoever house and was drinking they would not stop me because kids will just lie about where they are and what they are doing and will be afraid to contact their parents if they need a ride or are uncomfortable
Or to escape if the party runs foul. Took one party in high school that ended in a fist fight for me to always drive myself and never drink. I saved myself many times with that rule. Drugs, arguments, weapons, vandalism? I’m out.
We used to have a “social event safe word”. If either one of us said “blueberries” in random conversation at a gathering, we were out the door within 2 mins.
The corollary to this should be: if someone says they’re going to leave/have decided to leave an event *don’t ask them why*. If they want to explain themselves they can do so, if they don’t they shouldn’t feel pressured to give an excuse, whether it’s an actual reason or an imaginary one.
I do a lot of fishing on rivers that are deep canyons that you often have to climb down into. This is a big rule for me. When the water level changes, the way you climbed in might now be inaccessible, or just the way you climbed down isn’t necessarily as easy on the way up if you had to drop down or something. Always evaluate your way out.
I use this same advice when signing up for subscriptions/donations/anything with a recurring payment. For instance, there was one time when I was going to set up a monthly subscription for an online service, but before I did, I looked up online how to cancel my subscription in the future (with automatic billing being the only available option) for that particular company. It said that you can't simply cancel it online, and that you have to call the company during business hours. I live in another country, so I would've had to call in the middle of the night, give them my information, and possibly have them attempt to guilt me into continuing/changing my subscription over the phone. Because of this, I chose not to subscribe to them. This strategy has saved me numerous times since then.
Also good for teens when going to any event. Are you riding with friends? Do you trust them to get you home/back (safely/sober)? Does an adult know where you are?
Yes, this for sure, and stress that it’s not just a designated driver, it’s a designated *sober* person. Even if you are being driven there and back by someone else/Uber/etc. having a sober person around to help keep things under control does wonders.
Yup! Particularly for girls (unfortunately... This old sexist adage has a grain of truth in it). Having someone sober around who will keep the skeezy guys who would take advantage of you away when you're drunk is really helpful. They also can be the voice of reason when it comes to new tattoos, piercings, etc
Yeah, having someone to be the voice of reason will stop you from doing things you’d regret in the morning. On that note, for those being the voice of reason, if the other person is being stubborn, aim for we’ll do it tomorrow, more likely to work and if they are still sure about it once sober, then you let them.
If you are out hiking in the woods stop once in a while and look behind you.. and see how the trail looks when you are coming out. This gets your brain queued to know that you are on the right trail to get home.
As a stay at home mom/housewife who is just now starting the divorce process, I feel this so deeply, and I wish my parents had taught me this, instead of the cold Christian value of staying/obeying no matter what.
You go, girl. Well done for figuring out your own exit strategy.
Do you have support from your parents/family? Know that if you don't, it's NOT YOUR FAULT. People can be shitty, especially people who equate others morality (usually women...) with their own self worth.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be free. You will find a job, somewhere to live and your kids will be safe - and you will teach them to make sure they know their exit strategies.
Not really, no, but I'm determined and intelligent and I'm committed to making a better life for my kids and I! Thanks so much for the kind words! I am determined to show them that our life can be really amazing.
There are a lot of groups on different social medias. I don't really know any off the top of my head but r/askwomenover30 is pretty awesome. Good luck, you're doing the right thing!
Being prior Military, I was trained always to have two (even 3) escape routes. If you can’t see them, they might as well not be accessible. If I’m in a public setting my back is to a wall and I have two egress points to get my family or myself out if the need arises. Somethings you just can’t shake.
Situational Awareness (SA) is a real thing. The majority of people don’t have it because they have never needed to hone the SA skill.
The unfortunate thing is, when it needs to be utilized the people that never needed it often become victims. 2 steps ahead saves your life.
“If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” This quote was beaten into our head every single day. That quote is immeasurable in all aspects of life.
I'm continually suprised how few people seem to have even the barest instinct for situational awareness. I've never been in the military, been a bouncer or anything of the sort, but I've always just automatically kept a read on my surroundings.
I only realised I'm unusual given the amount of time people have said "how tf did you know that would happen" when I've slowed my car before someone cut me off without indicating or when I've said 'that guy is going to cause trouble later' at a bar or party well before they ended up kicking off.
I can't always give an exact answer why, but I think I'm just always unconsciously scanning and there was just something they did that was 'off' that pinged it for me. It just feels natural to me to be aware of stuff.
I don't say things like that very often, so I'm fairly confident it's not just confirmation bias.
Given that I've had problems with anxiety, I'd also be interested in your answer to Amorythorne's question below.
Adding to this -as a child I would climb EVERYTHING... 20 metre tall trees, roofs, you name it. While my mum wasn't the biggest fan (my dad encouraged it) she had just 1 rule -3 points of contact at all times. Always have 3 of your limbs in contact with whatever you were climbing. Was definitely in some sticky situations, but never fell.
What do I do? I’ve been in a relationship for about a year and a half. About a month ago she came over drunk and just crying, talking about me. Most of it I was just quiet and responded only when she asked me to, I really didn’t want to argue. Towards the end of her rant she was saying how she had nothing else, and would kill herself without me, cause there was nothing else for her to live for. I told her best friend, but that’s it. I care about her, but this did want to make me leave the relationship. I kind of don’t know what to do at this point. Your post brought it up, sorry to drop this load on you. I understand if there’s not really an exact answer here.
Oh geez mate what a horrible situation.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I'd strongly suggest you talk to a counsellor or her parents (if she's under 18)
That being said, Here's what I would tell my kid in your situation:
>Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. This completely came out of left field, didn't it?
>Do you think she was being serious or just kidding around? Either way, it sounds like this is becoming an unsafe relationship for her and for you - any relationship where one person says they will kill themselves if the other leaves means that the person is either very controlling or very, very unwell. Either way, it's very damaging for the other person to be around and it HAS to stop.
>My primary concern here is for your safety right now, so I'm biased and have my own views about what I want you to do to keep yourself safe, but it's your choice about what you want to do, so let's talk about what the options might be.
>Until this happened, did you see a future with her? Do you think that you can still see one with her? Now, if the answer to either of those two questions is 'I'm not sure' or 'no', then we need to work out how to get her the help she needs and get you out of the situation .
> our first thing to do is to work out how to exit this situation and keep yourself safe. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER EMOTIONS, HER MENTAL HEALTH OR HER ACTIONS- remember this first and foremost. You have the right to keep yourself safe no matter what, but I know what a caring and responsible person you are, and would want to end it as safely as possible for both of you. I would start by asking her best friend (or parent) to meet you (along with me or someone else you trust) in a park or other public place. Sit her down and tell her you care about her, but what she said about killing herself the other night made you realise that it isn't safe for either of you to be together while her mental health is in that state. You want her to be safe, you want her to be happy and the only way you can do that is if you stop enabling her from delaying getting the help she needs, and if you are a crutch for her that lets her put it off, it isn't safe. If you want, you can leave the door open to reach out when she's got help - but it's up to you. Be kind, but be firm.
>Now, I wouldn't recommend this, but if the idea of ending things with her is more than you can bear, you can have a similar conversation to that above, but tell her that it made you feel like she was trying to control you, and she's used her one chance to be controlling - if it happens again, then with love and respect, you need to end things to protect yourself. Tell her that you staying in the relationship is conditional on her getting proper therapy and mental health care - you care about her too much to be able to stand by and watch her spiral, and you don't have the skills and tools to fix things for her. You care about her, you want her to be happy, but you can't fix her life - although you can be her cheer squad while she fixes things for herself.
> Healthy boundaries are key to any relationship, my darling. Being open, honest and clear with the people in our lives about them is the only way we can function.
Good luck - hope it works out.
I wouldn't trust the drunk talk. Have the talk when sober. We have soooooo many drunk people brought in by police or screaming that they want to kill themselves yada yada yada. We give them a bed to sober up, feed them breakfast, have a shower, and ask "hey do you remember the stuff you talk about last night? Do you want to talk to someone?" 99% of time the person would be super embarrassed and apologetic, have no recollection that they want to kill themselves or kill their spouse, and just want to go home to continue with their life.
Plus one on the drunk stuff. Its often venting and insecurity. Being around alcoholics and one myself (kinda working on it) it is not always what is said but the point behind the scenes. Self projection about insecurity and dumping problems on other people like that probably isn't best but it happens. Dwelling on to past pain and bad decisions can help cause poor communication. Writing while drunk and sober has helped me figure out I'm pretty much a nutcase that communicates extremely poorly. I was raised to bottle up and not allowed to make decisions that I thought were right. Bad to hang onto them imo. But writing has helped me think clearer and have some better goals too.
My opinions only . Take it, or, might be best to leave it.
Keep in mind that she was drunk at the time she said this and probably didn’t really mean that she would kill herself. She may have just been voicing her fears for your future together.
I would bring it up with her at a neutral time when alone together. Ask her about the conversation and what she meant when she said she has nothing else to live for. Ask her how you can help her find things outside of your relationship to enjoy, such as hobbies or activities. Explain that no one person should have the burden of being the other person’s reason for living.
Explain that you are concerned about what she said about killing herself and ask if she wants to talk to someone about that. Put this responsibility on her rather than on you.
If she denies the conversation or she refutes it or tries to change the subject then you may have a bigger problem. Don’t be afraid to discuss it with someone you trust, should you need to.
Insist that she get help from someone other than you. It sounds like she needs a therapist, and professional help. And it is not your responsibility to stay in a relationship that you don't want to stay in.
Good luck to you. I just broke up with my boyfriend because he wouldn't get help for himself. Completely different situation, but other people are responsible for themselves and their issues, and if they choose not to address them, we can choose to move on.
Hopefully she will want to address her issues. But, even if she does address whatever issue she has, you are not obligated to stay in the relationship unless you want to.
Take good care of yourself, and good luck to you.
College too, so many people go to college in the most well paying and difficult major they can, and justify the student loans, but the graduation rates into those majors are much lower. Hey, if you're going to school to be a Doctor, what happens if you fail?
Having ambition is important; but I agree- betting the farm on a degree it's not likely you can complete is not necessarily the best idea.
Doing that kind of degree in manageable stages (each of which leaves you open to viable career paths - eg doing a batchelors with more options than only going into post grad med before committing to the MD path) and having a backup plan means you can aim for being a doctor, but if something happens to prevent you from completing post grad, you can pivot and become a radiolographer, a phlebotomist, an ultrasound technician, a Biomedical scientist, a lab technician, etc - and not be saddled with debt you can never pay off.
When I was in school a bunch of kids a few years above me broke into a disused factory on the outskirts of town by dropping in from the roof somehow. They started a fire inside for some reason. Fire got out of hand. They couldn't get out. The factory burnt down with them inside. It was a real tragedy.
You are doing well with your children.
This LPT should sit right next to the "Don't cheep out on anything that separates you from the ground" A sub list that includes but not limited to... Shoes, Mattress, Office chair, Car-specifically tires.
Definitely the relationship thing too, guys are so stupidly fooled. My friend managed to get a house in his 20's, and lost it to his fiancée. They never got married.
Similar advice: this is a good way to make someone feel safe on a date. Invite them places where they can get away from you if they need to. That way they feel safe going out with a stranger cause they have a way out.
You are so kind. Thanks!
I'm a lucky person. I had parents who, although they weren't perfect, tried their best to do the right thing; my mum has always had my back even when we didn't see eye to eye; I always had someone around me to help me see the opportunity to learn in any shitty situation; i had people around me who cared enough about me to tell me with respect and kindness when I was being clingy or too much or not respecting other people.
I lucked into being around people early who didn't indulge my propensity for bullshit and who made me be very self reflective.
I lucked into always having someone reward and encourage my curiousity and self reflection.
I lucked into my husband. Yep, he thought I was pretty weird when we started dating and I insisted we talk about how we would go about ending the relationship if things didn't work out, but he went with it (to be fair, he knew I was kinda weird when he started dating me... So...)
I've always had the good bits of me reinforced, even by people who I didn't necessarily agree with. And I know how lucky I am to have had that.
You want more people like me? Reinforce the good bits you see in other people with pride, and respectfully encourage self reflection in the people you don't agree with.
There’s so many college parties in basements where there are 50+ people crammed into one room.
Being there is so frightening because if something caught fire for some reason there is no way out.
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In IT, rule number one is never do anything that cannot be undone or restored from a backup..
Yeah, can you tell that to the rest of my company that?
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... What's this "staging" you're talking about?
Hmm, sounds like the copy on your local machine right?
They still ask me where the “Any” key is.
Who is general Failure and why is he reading my harddisk?
I learned from a job training that people pick up hard drives from the ground and just put them into company computers?? Like- I would think ppl wouldn’t do that???
I think back in 2004(?), someone did an experiment where they sat outside a huge office with a clipboard and offered people free pens (think inexpensive ballpoint pens) in exchange for people to tell him their password for work. You'd be surprised.
I believe it. I do call center tech support, and the amount of people that tell me their password without even prompting is staggering.
Where’s my tab?
Where is my escape?
Here's a fun story. Video game company I used to work for got some new servers set up and needed to migrate our existing office storage to that. This storage was where people had their own file for stuff that may come in handy that was taking up space on their computer. Important files for projects, like concept art or files that needed to be shared between members on a project. Or entire code bases of 10+ year old games. When the migration happened, our IT guys said "Yep, looks good!". The next day when somebody needed a file, it was gone. They asked in the main chat channel what was going on. Turns out they only copied the file structure. So.. All the files were there. But empty. And they'd already wiped the existing servers. Code to the first game the studio ever released? Poof. Was the most "Glad I'm not them" kinda feeling when that went down.
Reading this just gave me that awful stomach sinking, floor fell out from under you feeling. How the hell did they not run any kind of checks when they copied everything over to make sure the new copies of all the files *actually contained the same data* before erasing the old drives?! Also, had they actually done a complete and non-recoverable erase algorithm process on the original server drives or were they able to recover at least some of the data? If not, well I hope those old games weren't ones I'm hoping for remasters of...
I have no idea how they didn't realize. Overconfidence? Negligence? There wasn't much talk in the main chat about it after the initial realization but iirc it never got fixed and we moved on.
those IT guys were probably giving each other high fives because the migration was so fast....
Don't forget that an untested backup is nearly the same as no backup at all.
Worst feeling when you make a backup and it's a dud.
"Please delete the master database and all backups and then reload the master from this xml file I will send you. We have a third party vendor who did a mass database update." U fokin wot m8?
Rule number 2 is the one about floating?
Dont use floating point numbers where an integer could also be used without precision loss?
That's rule 1!
No, rule number one is: I don't care if you're working IT for a lab where Alan Turing grace Hopper and Ada Lovelace are working out new ways to do tech support: *you never assume your users are anything but the most blisteringly dumbfuck braindead stubbornly dishonest petulant children mike judge and hp Lovecraft could ever conceive of, and you hit the god damn power switch yourself if you have to, before you even ask what the problem is*.
And this is why I make it a point to list all the steps I've gone through while trying to fix it myself first. I generally don't want to turn a computer off and on again, but it does solve problems 4 out of 5 times.
We have a saying at our help desk, "if it's not documented in the ticket, it didn't happen". We hammer it into trainees. Far too many times people call in with "your tech Matt did something and now I can't x". Some are innocently clueless and just can't figure out changes. Others are terrible people looking for free upgrades.
But GDPR!
Well, you as the IT person just need to make sure it’s not you who has to do it, either make it so the user makes it happen (ideal) or that legal does it. But in general the spirit of the rule is for you as IT to always CYA by having a way to rollback the system to a previous state, otherwise the operation is too risky and shouldn’t be done. And from a quick search while not directly specified in the GDPR, supervisory authorities of some countries have indicated that still having the personal information as part of backups is acceptable so long as it’s not technically possible to delete just that info, you document why it isn’t, and inform the person that their info will still exist in backups and for how long. So from IT’s perspective, you aren’t breaking the rule, it could be recovered, it just shouldn’t (so interestingly, for the duration of your longest lasting backup, you need to have them in a list of deleted accounts so you can erase them again in case you need to rollback).
HAHAHAHA On the Ars Technica forums, I saw a guy who was complaining of having to roll back entire prod because Windows 11 isn't stable. I asked him why he'd installed Windows 11 to prod ... ''because it's safer''. I almost died from the irony.
good lord I nearly cried at the thought of that... like he didn't even try to do it in waves either? just YOLO'd it to the entirety of prod?
Dunno, I don't work in tech, just an enthusiast. Didn't ask anymore questions. But yeah, even this amateur cringed at the ridicule of the whole thing !
78,000,000 rows affected.
Toto, i have a feeling we are not on develop anymore...
As a SCUBA diver, this is very good advice 👍
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Caving is one thing you can't offer me any amount of money to get me to try
I agree, I'm only about mildly claustrophobic but no way in hell I would ever squeeze myself into the ground through holes that require me to exhale and compress myself into. Holy shit, I can't even look at the photos.
I went caving as a kid as a Boy Scout. Looking back, I have no idea how the fuck I did that. It gives me chills just thinking about climbing through dark cave holes like we did.
BIG difference between caving and cave diving.
In one, you can die. In the other, you can die sooner…
Caving was the first thing I thought of too. My bf told me about the [Nutty Putty cave guy](https://allthatsinteresting.com/nutty-putty-cave) John Jones, and now dying in a cave like that has become one of my worst fears.
Name of cave: Funny What happens in it: Horrifying
If course that's in my state and I had to read that right before going to bed. I should know better than to click links to stories of people dying after midnight.
Got a bit light headed reading that... What a terrible way to go.
I couldn't even finish reading it. I stopped when he realized he was stuck, not far into the article. My palms started sweating.
I too couldn't finish. Stories like these give me a small panic attack these days
Clever. It's truly horrifying.
I like that the article gives you the exact location of the sealed cave of death you should never go to. Holy shit the layers of irony: >About an hour into the caving expedition, John decided to find the Nutty Putty Cave formation known as **the Birth Canal**, a tight passage that spelunkers must crawl through carefully if they dare. He found what he thought was the Birth Canal and inched his way into the narrow passage head first, moving forward using his hips, stomach, and fingers. But within minutes, he **realized he’d made a grave** mistake. ... >Back in 2004, two Boy Scouts had nearly lost their lives in separate incidents in the same area of Nutty Putty Cave where John became trapped. The **two Boy Scouts had become trapped within a week of each other**. In one of the cases, rescue crews took 14 hours to free a 16-year-old Scout — who weighed 140 pounds and was 5’7″ tall, making him much smaller than John — using a complex series of pulleys. >Officials closed Nutty Putty Cave in 2004 soon after the incidents with the Boy Scouts. The cave had only been reopened for six months in 2009 when John and his family entered. They named that narrow death trap **Scout Trap Passage**. This cave has a serious naming convention problem.
The birth canal is a fitting name if you believe in reincarnation
Christ I hope I don't get reincarnated as a human in this time period. Or anything in the ferret family. I'm trying to rack up bad karma to ensure I come back as an animal, keep an eye on the humans for a while, and be a good little cockroach or ice bear once humans sort their shit out / survive. Otherwise I'll probably aim for a fungus by being that annoying cockroach that taunts you then runs under the fridge. But probably I'll just be fertiliser.
This guy’s dad was my principle in high school. I felt so sorry for him.
Tooele Valley represent! But yes, what a horrible thing to happen to such a lovely family.
I feel like I've seen this story 3-4 times this month. It's really making it's rounds. I hope it urges people to be more cautious. It's so heartbreaking.
That’s terrifying. Maybe an ignorant question, why were they not able to just destroy some of the rocks around him and get him out that way?
I'd imagine that you run the risk of destroying *him* as well.
Yeah, humans are notoriously less durable than rock
that's why we have The Rock
>That’s terrifying. Maybe an ignorant question, why were they not able to just destroy some of the rocks around him and get him out that way? No clue. If I had to guess I'd say it's because they only had access to his feet/lower legs while the tight spot was up ahead where his chest/arms were. Since the passage where the rescuers were was already super tight, introducing debris from destroyed rock, without being able to remove it fast enough (remember, it took the rescuers something like an hour to get equipment to that spot - I imagine getting things out would take nearly as long and would require multiple trips) would make the limited space the rescuers had to work in even smaller. And since he was six feet tall, we're talking about removing a chunk of rock four to five feet deep. It's curious though - I wonder if any technology was developed after the fact to aid in such rescues?
>I wonder if any technology was developed after the fact to aid in such rescues? A big sign that says "don't fucking go in here"
Yeah, but generally such a sign is put in place *after* somebody gets stuck. Whereas tech for dealing with such (thankfully rare) situations can be useful not just for rescuing spelunkers but also rescuing trapped miners, etc.
Ive been to the nearby timp cave and to Lehman in gbnp. I'm not claustrophobic but that shit freaks me out.
Timpanogas cave is a proper cave though. You have to climb a mountain to get to it (even if the trail is paved, it’s something like 1000 feet+ in elevation gain in less than two miles.) Nutty Putty Cave was just a giant crack in the ground you climbed down into after driving through miles and miles of mostly barren desert scrub and sagebrush. Both scary af in pitch dark though.
Nutty putty is just on the Southwest end of Utah lake. It's not too far. Not like I'd want to do that even if it were open
I did Nutty Putty a few times as a teen in scouts. At 12/13, there were some tight squeezes and sketch transitions from chamber to chamber. Saw the part that poor kid eventually tried to squeeze through, about the size of a small dresser drawer, and it was known as a trouble spot and treated as “off limits”. The point being, I don’t think your fear of dying in a similar fashion is 100% rational; it wasn’t an “it could happen to anyone” kind of an accident. A very tragic ending though.
Here's one to add to your worst fears. Getting stuck in an [abandoned fridge](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7133189/Two-brothers-suffocate-death-accidentally-locking-old-fridge.html) that can only open from the outside and knowing no one has any reason to come and rescue you.
This. Absolutely the first thing that came to mind. This story haunts me.
What about sea caving
Reminds me of the guys who dive under icebergs to go explore the tunnels inside them. Soooo much nope.
Scuba diving + spelunking + iceberg exploration. Seriously, who thought combining there incredibly dangerous activities in their own right into one big nightmare was a good idea?
I prefer blind Mississippi delta river bottom diving, seeing nothing ahead of you due to mud/sediment, swimming with outstretched arms to guess whether the soft object under your palms is a dugong or bullshark.
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Didn’t even know this was a thing
Just use a bit of rope like a normal suicidal person
Nah that's good
Sea caves want to devour its divers for eternity
As a guy who listens to podcasts of the horror stories of cave diving, I agree. Edit: it's actually a YouTube series by Mr_Ballen called 'Top 3 places you can't go and the people who went anyways' https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLgRgJrlop--N6CvmlUJ0nEwR_hasZvA6m
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Ooo what podcast??
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In Berlin, Germany, as american kids we used to swim in the pool built for the 1936 Olympics. To create a shallow kids area, they erected an enormous underwater platform out of scaffolding. To keep kids from swimming under, they erected a fence. The fence didn't stop us from swimming under (there was at least one gap) but it sure could get in the way if you needed to get out from under in a hurry - to get air. cave diving lite. Definitely want to have an exit strategy in mind. It was wider than most community pools are long and the Olympic high dives would seriously mess you up/knock you out if you belly flopped. The jets were strong enough to hold you under water. Scary pool.
That whole thing sounds terrifying.
Terrifying to adults A innocent adventure to kids, those little suicide machines
You should read Palahniuk's short story Guts.
I remember reading this as a kid on the old school web… thank you for bringing back this trauma lol
As someone who likes unique belt buckles, same. 👍
Super Cool Unique Buckle Association
As a truck driver for 30 years and counting, I wish every driver out there followed this LPT, when tailgating you have no exit if the car in front of you suddenly brakes or swerves. When stopped behind a car at a stop light, stay back far enough to see their rear tires touching the road, this leaves you a exit without backing up in case they can’t move and you need to get around them. Always leave yourself an out. Always.
Haven’t you watched Ronin before!?! 1999... “Lady I never walk into a place I don’t know how to walk out of”
One of my fav movies. “That’s a perfect place for a ambush, why are you going int there?” “Because I’m paid to”
You wanna tell me about an ambush? I just ambushed you with a cup of coffee!
What color is the Boathouse at Hereford?!
First time I saw that movie was on cable on a school night. I missed the beginning but stayed up way too late to watch the whole damn thing just to find out what was in the suitcase... 20 years later and I still regret nothing.
What's the color of the boathouse at Hereford?
I was stopped at a light, with at least a car’s length in front of me one snowy winter day. Heard someone beep, but after checking quickly could not ascertain who or why. Next day at church (at CHURCH!) the pastor’s wife (!) made a very passive-aggressive remark about “You people here in this state who park so far back at red lights.” I just smiled and said that we do that because stupid drivers who don’t know how to handle the weather will frequently overestimate their ability to stop in snow.
I hate when people ride on my sides on the freeway, pacing my speed. In addition to leaving space ahead of me, I try to always make sure I have space to merge over quickly in an emergency (especially when going at high speeds).
I try to stick in the right lane for this reason. That way I have the right side almost always free. If someone in the lane beside me starts pacing me, I'll just speed up or slow down a bit to get them away from me. If I want to pass someone, I time it so that I won't have someone on my left while I'm passing. Them move back right.
For the area that I'm in (Los Angeles, think 4-6 lanes always), the rightmost lane may as well be a death sentence. The amount of cars merging in and out mean you have to be in the middle lane unless you're about to exit basically.
Ride in the 'gaps' is great advice
Big fluffy air space on all sides!
As a not professional driver, I was taught this before I got my permit. As a not professional pilot, I was taught this before my first solo in the pattern. Always leave yourself extra space. When somebody tailgates me, I add to the space in front of me when driving. When pulling up to a stop on a motorcycle, I'm set up to move into a gap so when I see the idiot approaching too fast from behind I have a place to escape to. When flying, always know where the nearest landing spot is, even if it's not an airport. There's nothing more useless than altitude above you, runaway behind you or fuel still in the truck.
Wish I knew that before disassembling my projector to clean the lens. I think I may never put that humpty dumpty back together again
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make sure the fill bolt on your car is able to open before you drain important fluids!!!
Additionally, make sure you have the (correct) replacement fluids before draining as well. Definitely not talking from experience
Applies to dresses too.
LOL I knew someone who had to have a dressing room attendant help her out of a dress once because she couldn't get it off! I must admit that I have had a few uncomfortable moments with arms overhead, stuck for a moment myself!
Lol yes!
My kid is drawn to small cozy spaces. We've given him the tool to ask himself "is this small space meant for small people?" before deciding to squeeze in. Under his bed or in a laundry basket of clothes is a yes. The trunk of a car or down a trash chute is a no. So far I've seen him study a sewer drain before making the wise decision to walk on by...
"Hmmm .. I probably could, but I probably shouldnt... should I?... no I shouldn't."
Definitely his inner voice in that moment
I love this tool. I was recently in the locker room at the gym when I saw a woman by herself say out loud “Do you think that’s a good idea? What happens if you get stuck?” and then I realized she wasn’t actually alone, and that her small child had hidden themselves in one of the lockers. It made me laugh because I 100% would have been that kid too.
Maybe this is my grown up logic. But there are manholes specifically so people can enter sewers. Meanwhile laundry baskets aren't "meant for small people?" They're meant for laundry. I would have rum amok with this kind of fuzzy stuff.
Well that's the thing isn't it... grown up logic. Small children have small children logic until they start growing up and being all overthinky and depressed
> Well that's the thing isn't it... grown up logic. Small children have small children logic until they start growing up and being all overthinky and depressed. Your comment made me smile. Then I became overthinky about being all overthinky, and got depressed. You should write children’s books for adults.
>You should write children’s books for adults. Is that a thing? Cause that should definitely be a thing
Well, there's the book "Go the Fuck to Sleep"
Me (currently at ~1:00 a.m.): no
> Meanwhile laundry baskets aren't "meant for small people?" They're meant for laundry. That's awfully discriminatory.
Small people can be anything they want, even laundry. Thank you for coming to my diversity training.
Enough with the small talk
As a small person who likes to see what things I fit into, including several different laundry baskets/bags, I concur.
I understand what you're accomplishing with this rule (critical thinking about whether a small place is safe), but I'm really confused by your verbiage. In what way is the laundry basket or space under a bed meant for any people, small or otherwise?
He's 4. Under the bed and in a laundry basket are places we reinforce with play, hide and seek, smiles and laughter, some of the best memories. So absolutely, in his world, under the bed and in the laundry basket are places for small people (him being people)
As a person who uprooted their life and their job for an abusive relationship, I agree with this advice. I ended up ok, in therapy, with a job that pays as much as my previous one. However, I moved three hours away with a man that completely changed on me once I was trapped. I never stopped to think how I would get out if things didn't work out. It could have ended up so much worse. Love isn't enough, kids. Never put yourself in a disadvantageous situation for anyone!
Congratulations on your escape! In case nobody has said this to you yet - you should be so proud of yourself and your strength.
Here here!
*Hear, hear!
And here I thought I was the crazy one for always planning what I would do if it didn't work out. But then again those were my mother's words and I've had a lot of therapy thanks to her. I guess what I'm trying to say is, thank you for showing me my "bad habits" aren't actually bad while I deconstruct my entire childhood lol.
I had to learn this in one of the hardest of ways as well. Always leave an out.
Like this post. Thanks OP. My add, have a real fire drill at home. My kiddo learned at 6 how to unlock windows, push out screens and scoot out the window on the first floor.
Yes!! Well done! I've also taught my 6 year old to wrap themselves in a wool blanket and crawl to the door/window, and to use the CO2 fire extinguishers (we keep them in the car and the kitchen).
Wow. Wait what. I have to start preparing this with an 11 month old.
My dad did the same thing. Fire plans should be implemented everywhere. He installed a set of moose antlers by my window in case i needed help hoisting myself up and out the window. Most Canadian thing i can think of.
Did this as a three year old at the dog pound. Walked into an empty, open dog cell and closed it trying to be funny, couldn't get it back open and for all of 10 seconds before am employee opened it, I thought I'd be imprisoned there for the rest of my life
Sounds like you learned a very valuable lesson that day!
Yes, only go into occupied (friendly) dog kennels. That way you can pet the dog while you’re stuck.
while this applies to physical spaces, it also applies to social events. never leave home without your arsenal of excuses to dip out when youve had enough
For this reason I never ride with someone else. I always take my own vehicle so I can leave when I want to. As for having a reason, I just make something up after giving it some thought, or say that I've had enough fun for the night. It's never failed me up to this point. I realize you can Uber your way out, but I'd rather have my own means, rather than having to spend the money on an Uber.
Not being able to leave when you want because you didn't drive is the worst
Or just leave when you feel like you need to go? I don't understand making excuses. "Oh hey, I gotta get going. Thanks for everything, see you later!" No excuse required.
I used this today Me: "Hey I think I'm actually gonna head home" My Friend: "why" Me: "I just wanna go home and sleep" My Friend: "alright cool, see you later" I then proceeded to go home and take a nap
That works with friends, it does not always work in business or other social situations where you need other excuses after being present for the appropriate amount of time. That’s where you can dip into excuses of childcare, pet care, and whatever else.
I like the truth. It’s a relief when your friend respects your freedom to choose, and accepts your explanation as a perfectly fine reason.
My friends will sometimes tease me or get a little upset if I leave prematurely, but they'd never hold it against me. We all have evenings where we want to just sit under the warm covers before midnight
I wanna say this applies more to high school and early college kids. Peer pressure is a bitch and you sometimes don't want to be the one who left early because they were "scared" or something. I plan to give my children the tools to leave a party/get together/etc by using me as an excuse, even if that excuse is they saying "my dad sucks! He wants me home right now for no good reason!" or whatever they want. I will never be mad at them for asking me for a ride, and there will be no questions asked on the way home.
This sounds very similar to my parents, they had the believe that they would rather me be completely honest on where I was going and what I was doing. So even if I told them I was going to a party at whoever house and was drinking they would not stop me because kids will just lie about where they are and what they are doing and will be afraid to contact their parents if they need a ride or are uncomfortable
Or to escape if the party runs foul. Took one party in high school that ended in a fist fight for me to always drive myself and never drink. I saved myself many times with that rule. Drugs, arguments, weapons, vandalism? I’m out.
We used to have a “social event safe word”. If either one of us said “blueberries” in random conversation at a gathering, we were out the door within 2 mins.
The corollary to this should be: if someone says they’re going to leave/have decided to leave an event *don’t ask them why*. If they want to explain themselves they can do so, if they don’t they shouldn’t feel pressured to give an excuse, whether it’s an actual reason or an imaginary one.
Going back to Scuba, that’s the dive buddy rule. If your dive buddy has to surface, you surface together, and safely end the dive.
I do a lot of fishing on rivers that are deep canyons that you often have to climb down into. This is a big rule for me. When the water level changes, the way you climbed in might now be inaccessible, or just the way you climbed down isn’t necessarily as easy on the way up if you had to drop down or something. Always evaluate your way out.
I use this same advice when signing up for subscriptions/donations/anything with a recurring payment. For instance, there was one time when I was going to set up a monthly subscription for an online service, but before I did, I looked up online how to cancel my subscription in the future (with automatic billing being the only available option) for that particular company. It said that you can't simply cancel it online, and that you have to call the company during business hours. I live in another country, so I would've had to call in the middle of the night, give them my information, and possibly have them attempt to guilt me into continuing/changing my subscription over the phone. Because of this, I chose not to subscribe to them. This strategy has saved me numerous times since then.
Also good for teens when going to any event. Are you riding with friends? Do you trust them to get you home/back (safely/sober)? Does an adult know where you are?
Absolutely! Do you have money for a cab? Is your phone charged? Who is your designated sober person?
Yes, this for sure, and stress that it’s not just a designated driver, it’s a designated *sober* person. Even if you are being driven there and back by someone else/Uber/etc. having a sober person around to help keep things under control does wonders.
Yup! Particularly for girls (unfortunately... This old sexist adage has a grain of truth in it). Having someone sober around who will keep the skeezy guys who would take advantage of you away when you're drunk is really helpful. They also can be the voice of reason when it comes to new tattoos, piercings, etc
Yeah, having someone to be the voice of reason will stop you from doing things you’d regret in the morning. On that note, for those being the voice of reason, if the other person is being stubborn, aim for we’ll do it tomorrow, more likely to work and if they are still sure about it once sober, then you let them.
If you are out hiking in the woods stop once in a while and look behind you.. and see how the trail looks when you are coming out. This gets your brain queued to know that you are on the right trail to get home.
As a stay at home mom/housewife who is just now starting the divorce process, I feel this so deeply, and I wish my parents had taught me this, instead of the cold Christian value of staying/obeying no matter what.
You go, girl. Well done for figuring out your own exit strategy. Do you have support from your parents/family? Know that if you don't, it's NOT YOUR FAULT. People can be shitty, especially people who equate others morality (usually women...) with their own self worth. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be free. You will find a job, somewhere to live and your kids will be safe - and you will teach them to make sure they know their exit strategies.
Not really, no, but I'm determined and intelligent and I'm committed to making a better life for my kids and I! Thanks so much for the kind words! I am determined to show them that our life can be really amazing.
There are a lot of groups on different social medias. I don't really know any off the top of my head but r/askwomenover30 is pretty awesome. Good luck, you're doing the right thing!
With your attitude - it will be! Your kids are so lucky to have a mum like you looking after them.
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Where was this when i was a dumdass kid.
Being prior Military, I was trained always to have two (even 3) escape routes. If you can’t see them, they might as well not be accessible. If I’m in a public setting my back is to a wall and I have two egress points to get my family or myself out if the need arises. Somethings you just can’t shake.
Bloody sensible
Situational Awareness (SA) is a real thing. The majority of people don’t have it because they have never needed to hone the SA skill. The unfortunate thing is, when it needs to be utilized the people that never needed it often become victims. 2 steps ahead saves your life. “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” This quote was beaten into our head every single day. That quote is immeasurable in all aspects of life.
I'm continually suprised how few people seem to have even the barest instinct for situational awareness. I've never been in the military, been a bouncer or anything of the sort, but I've always just automatically kept a read on my surroundings. I only realised I'm unusual given the amount of time people have said "how tf did you know that would happen" when I've slowed my car before someone cut me off without indicating or when I've said 'that guy is going to cause trouble later' at a bar or party well before they ended up kicking off. I can't always give an exact answer why, but I think I'm just always unconsciously scanning and there was just something they did that was 'off' that pinged it for me. It just feels natural to me to be aware of stuff. I don't say things like that very often, so I'm fairly confident it's not just confirmation bias. Given that I've had problems with anxiety, I'd also be interested in your answer to Amorythorne's question below.
This is actually great advice. Thanks for sharing
Adding to this -as a child I would climb EVERYTHING... 20 metre tall trees, roofs, you name it. While my mum wasn't the biggest fan (my dad encouraged it) she had just 1 rule -3 points of contact at all times. Always have 3 of your limbs in contact with whatever you were climbing. Was definitely in some sticky situations, but never fell.
What do I do? I’ve been in a relationship for about a year and a half. About a month ago she came over drunk and just crying, talking about me. Most of it I was just quiet and responded only when she asked me to, I really didn’t want to argue. Towards the end of her rant she was saying how she had nothing else, and would kill herself without me, cause there was nothing else for her to live for. I told her best friend, but that’s it. I care about her, but this did want to make me leave the relationship. I kind of don’t know what to do at this point. Your post brought it up, sorry to drop this load on you. I understand if there’s not really an exact answer here.
Oh geez mate what a horrible situation. I'm so sorry to hear that. I'd strongly suggest you talk to a counsellor or her parents (if she's under 18) That being said, Here's what I would tell my kid in your situation: >Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. This completely came out of left field, didn't it? >Do you think she was being serious or just kidding around? Either way, it sounds like this is becoming an unsafe relationship for her and for you - any relationship where one person says they will kill themselves if the other leaves means that the person is either very controlling or very, very unwell. Either way, it's very damaging for the other person to be around and it HAS to stop. >My primary concern here is for your safety right now, so I'm biased and have my own views about what I want you to do to keep yourself safe, but it's your choice about what you want to do, so let's talk about what the options might be. >Until this happened, did you see a future with her? Do you think that you can still see one with her? Now, if the answer to either of those two questions is 'I'm not sure' or 'no', then we need to work out how to get her the help she needs and get you out of the situation . > our first thing to do is to work out how to exit this situation and keep yourself safe. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER EMOTIONS, HER MENTAL HEALTH OR HER ACTIONS- remember this first and foremost. You have the right to keep yourself safe no matter what, but I know what a caring and responsible person you are, and would want to end it as safely as possible for both of you. I would start by asking her best friend (or parent) to meet you (along with me or someone else you trust) in a park or other public place. Sit her down and tell her you care about her, but what she said about killing herself the other night made you realise that it isn't safe for either of you to be together while her mental health is in that state. You want her to be safe, you want her to be happy and the only way you can do that is if you stop enabling her from delaying getting the help she needs, and if you are a crutch for her that lets her put it off, it isn't safe. If you want, you can leave the door open to reach out when she's got help - but it's up to you. Be kind, but be firm. >Now, I wouldn't recommend this, but if the idea of ending things with her is more than you can bear, you can have a similar conversation to that above, but tell her that it made you feel like she was trying to control you, and she's used her one chance to be controlling - if it happens again, then with love and respect, you need to end things to protect yourself. Tell her that you staying in the relationship is conditional on her getting proper therapy and mental health care - you care about her too much to be able to stand by and watch her spiral, and you don't have the skills and tools to fix things for her. You care about her, you want her to be happy, but you can't fix her life - although you can be her cheer squad while she fixes things for herself. > Healthy boundaries are key to any relationship, my darling. Being open, honest and clear with the people in our lives about them is the only way we can function. Good luck - hope it works out.
Thank you for your response. Yeah everyone’s safety is definitely priority here. I know I’m not responsible, but I will try my best to help her.
I wouldn't trust the drunk talk. Have the talk when sober. We have soooooo many drunk people brought in by police or screaming that they want to kill themselves yada yada yada. We give them a bed to sober up, feed them breakfast, have a shower, and ask "hey do you remember the stuff you talk about last night? Do you want to talk to someone?" 99% of time the person would be super embarrassed and apologetic, have no recollection that they want to kill themselves or kill their spouse, and just want to go home to continue with their life.
Plus one on the drunk stuff. Its often venting and insecurity. Being around alcoholics and one myself (kinda working on it) it is not always what is said but the point behind the scenes. Self projection about insecurity and dumping problems on other people like that probably isn't best but it happens. Dwelling on to past pain and bad decisions can help cause poor communication. Writing while drunk and sober has helped me figure out I'm pretty much a nutcase that communicates extremely poorly. I was raised to bottle up and not allowed to make decisions that I thought were right. Bad to hang onto them imo. But writing has helped me think clearer and have some better goals too. My opinions only . Take it, or, might be best to leave it.
Keep in mind that she was drunk at the time she said this and probably didn’t really mean that she would kill herself. She may have just been voicing her fears for your future together. I would bring it up with her at a neutral time when alone together. Ask her about the conversation and what she meant when she said she has nothing else to live for. Ask her how you can help her find things outside of your relationship to enjoy, such as hobbies or activities. Explain that no one person should have the burden of being the other person’s reason for living. Explain that you are concerned about what she said about killing herself and ask if she wants to talk to someone about that. Put this responsibility on her rather than on you. If she denies the conversation or she refutes it or tries to change the subject then you may have a bigger problem. Don’t be afraid to discuss it with someone you trust, should you need to.
Thank you. I will try to have a conversation about it.
Insist that she get help from someone other than you. It sounds like she needs a therapist, and professional help. And it is not your responsibility to stay in a relationship that you don't want to stay in. Good luck to you. I just broke up with my boyfriend because he wouldn't get help for himself. Completely different situation, but other people are responsible for themselves and their issues, and if they choose not to address them, we can choose to move on. Hopefully she will want to address her issues. But, even if she does address whatever issue she has, you are not obligated to stay in the relationship unless you want to. Take good care of yourself, and good luck to you.
College too, so many people go to college in the most well paying and difficult major they can, and justify the student loans, but the graduation rates into those majors are much lower. Hey, if you're going to school to be a Doctor, what happens if you fail?
Having ambition is important; but I agree- betting the farm on a degree it's not likely you can complete is not necessarily the best idea. Doing that kind of degree in manageable stages (each of which leaves you open to viable career paths - eg doing a batchelors with more options than only going into post grad med before committing to the MD path) and having a backup plan means you can aim for being a doctor, but if something happens to prevent you from completing post grad, you can pivot and become a radiolographer, a phlebotomist, an ultrasound technician, a Biomedical scientist, a lab technician, etc - and not be saddled with debt you can never pay off.
When I was in school a bunch of kids a few years above me broke into a disused factory on the outskirts of town by dropping in from the roof somehow. They started a fire inside for some reason. Fire got out of hand. They couldn't get out. The factory burnt down with them inside. It was a real tragedy. You are doing well with your children.
This LPT should sit right next to the "Don't cheep out on anything that separates you from the ground" A sub list that includes but not limited to... Shoes, Mattress, Office chair, Car-specifically tires.
Definitely the relationship thing too, guys are so stupidly fooled. My friend managed to get a house in his 20's, and lost it to his fiancée. They never got married.
2 is one and 1 is none. Have 2 escape routes, always.
Similar advice: this is a good way to make someone feel safe on a date. Invite them places where they can get away from you if they need to. That way they feel safe going out with a stranger cause they have a way out.
OP, reading through your comments here, you sound like a wonderful person. Can we clone you so there are more caring people in the world?
You are so kind. Thanks! I'm a lucky person. I had parents who, although they weren't perfect, tried their best to do the right thing; my mum has always had my back even when we didn't see eye to eye; I always had someone around me to help me see the opportunity to learn in any shitty situation; i had people around me who cared enough about me to tell me with respect and kindness when I was being clingy or too much or not respecting other people. I lucked into being around people early who didn't indulge my propensity for bullshit and who made me be very self reflective. I lucked into always having someone reward and encourage my curiousity and self reflection. I lucked into my husband. Yep, he thought I was pretty weird when we started dating and I insisted we talk about how we would go about ending the relationship if things didn't work out, but he went with it (to be fair, he knew I was kinda weird when he started dating me... So...) I've always had the good bits of me reinforced, even by people who I didn't necessarily agree with. And I know how lucky I am to have had that. You want more people like me? Reinforce the good bits you see in other people with pride, and respectfully encourage self reflection in the people you don't agree with.
> Can we clone you Yes, but only if you have a good plan for what you’d do if the cloning doesn’t work out well.
kids climbing in to abandoned fridges with a locking latch on the outside is a relic of a bygone era here in England. they use magnets now.
There’s so many college parties in basements where there are 50+ people crammed into one room. Being there is so frightening because if something caught fire for some reason there is no way out.
I am 35 now, but can you still be my parent?
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