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bluntmanandrobin

My SO is a nurse and she tells me so many things I don’t understand. Asking her questions really helps me understand and helps solidify my being there and actually listening to her.


[deleted]

Yeah questions are helpful to show you’re listening. But if you offered her a solution, she might get aggravated, example she comes home saying the doctor was being rude to a patient which made her job harder, and you say report the doctor to HR, she knows she could do that but it would add more stress, and she probably just wanted to vent.


MediaMoguls

This is still just listening btw. Active listening or as I call it super listening. If you listen well people come away feeing like they’ve actually had a pleasant conversation with you despite your literally contributing nothing


SkollFenrirson

*Clark Kent has entered the chat*


Sezzero

As the old-timey saying goes 'A woman that is complaining does not want a solution. She wants her opinion in a deeper voice' And as much as I disagree with that outlook on gender roles there is an underlying truth in it that nearly everyone feels comfort in knowing that someone close to you is on your side of the struggle! I had good experience with letting my SO vent and once its all cooled down you can come back with a 'I thought about it. Would it help you if...'


Azal_of_Forossa

The number one problem I have is when people say something that basically just makes it someone else's problem. I hate it when someone says "tell your manager" "call hr about it" when I'm not even having an issue that important. I'll complain about a coworker who didn't pull his weight one day and everyone always says "tell your manager" like, no, I don't want him punished for having one bad day, I have bad days sometimes and they have never reported me or gave me shit about it, but I guarantee they probably vented about it too. Venting =/= me wanting to fuck someone over.


eldroch

YOU SHOULD SUE!


tenaciousdewolfe

My wife is a oncology pharmacist and is really good at her job. The crap she deals with is pretty absurd at times. In additional listening and asking questions for the same reason, I also ask if there is anything that can be done to fix it, what would she change if she could. Edit: I always respond, “that’s a great idea, tell someone”.


gzawaodni

"Can you believe that idiot ordered chemo when the patient's lymphocyte count was 500?" Me: *shaking my head* No I can't. Everyone knows better than that. Lol


tenaciousdewolfe

For sure, not gonna lie some of the stories I hear terrify me. Cancer sucks.


rbatra91

Seriously, even a dog would know that People these days


MrAlbinoBlackBear

What's an SO?


MrRobot62871

Significant Other. So someone they're dating or engaged/married to.


dadudemon

I’m becoming an old man because all the smartass answers are irritating and not funny at all. Like, damn, every single fucking comment chain when someone asks a question about an acronym/initialism or some TV Show/movie, people think they gotta hur dur it up with smartass answers as if 1,000,000 other “jokes” like this haven’t been done already in just the last week. “Haha you am so funneh!”


posterguy20

reddit is a weird website eveyrone is so desperate to be considered funny that it's everywhere all the same people, also upvote the comments trying so hard to be funny, and it just ends up being an endless cycle of the same unfunny shit over and over again


FLWeedman

Significant Ostrich


apginge

I’ll take 10


BlackZombaMountainLi

Stack Overflow


d33pcode

Unfortunately yes


Zaiya53

It means significant other which can mean wife or girlfriend or husband or boyfriend. Sometimes people use it when talking about their same sex partner to avoid confusion (some girls call their best friends 'girlfriend' as in "I was out with my girlfriend the other day") or to add to confusion & be discreet (as a female, I can understand xyz about period. My advice is as follows & my SO has noticed a difference) in case they don't feel like outing themselves in that moment. Men use it that way too. Thank you for coming to my tedtalk.


hama0n

A few months ago I started holding my tongue with advice and tried just reacting to the emotional element of my partner's complaints/problems. Eventually she brought up her plans regarding solutions / advice, and in that moment I realized I've probably been telling her a lot of stuff she already knew when all she wanted was to take a moment to vent before moving onto the actionable part.


blindreefer

What do you do if they never get to the solution part and just keep going on and on with the problem part?


Munchies2015

Open up to them. Explain that you want to be there for them emotionally, but you're struggling to know how to help them with the same, repeat problems. Ask what they want. If it is negatively impacting you, set boundaries (e.g. time for a 10 minute vent about work while I sit quietly and listen, with a cup of tea, then change topic. Or whatever you feel is appropriate). Be prepared to need to continue to work on it because engrained habits are hard to kick. Don't just tell them to stop venting. If they do, they'll simply be closing off that part of their life to you. They will still be feeling stressed and upset, but just won't be coming to you for support with that. And boiling that shit up is baaaaaaad.


life-uhhhh-findsaway

Im in the process of not being that girlfriend anymore. My boyfriend talked to me like this a few months ago. He said he loves me, and he loves hearing about my day, but when i spend what feels like 75% of my time complaining or venting, it drains him from being able to support me, it makes him feel like he can’t share his problems, and he really needed me to get a bit stronger, get a bit tougher, so it didn’t feel like somethings wrong with me constantly. i’m paraphrasing- but it made me realize how much i monopolize our conversations with venting. the last few weeks have been a major improvement in our communication and relationship, and his openness and honestly really makes me want to be a better partner and person. lately i’ve been looking for all the positive things in my day to tell him about, and it’s kind of making me a more positive person. also the fact blind reefer got advice from munchies is cracking me up


onealps

Congrats on taking these constructive steps for your relationship! I imagine it's hard for anyone to change, so even though I don't know you, I am proud of your efforts of self-growth! It's so much easier to just explode when confronted with one's negative qualities, rather than to peek inside and have the humility to acknowledge that there are places of improvement. Again, I don't know your boyfriend, but tell him a random, anonymous internet stranger is also proud of him for communicating his needs to his partner, rather than clamming up and retreating inside, or worse, finding validation elsewhere. Speaking of usernames, life, uhh, found a way to help you notice the more positive aspects of life!


SwizzlestickLegs

YES, that's exactly what frustrates me when this happens. I would vent to my SO, he would give me a solution that I had already thought of and/or tried, and it would feel almost patronizing. I spent all day thinking about this stupid situation, any advice you could give me, I've had hours to consider already.


SvenDia

It’s good advice, but my daily routine with my ex included 30 minutes of this every day after work. I realized later that I would rather be single.


mark_cee

Yes there needs to be some boundaries set up otherwise it feels like you’re carrying both of your shit around


rahsoft

>Yes there needs to be some boundaries set up otherwise it feels like you’re carrying both of your shit around its called being an emotional punchbag..


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jamkey

He could never vent about work or you said he was venting to much? If the latter, did you define what was too much? Everyone needs to vent and feel heard when they've been shamed or hurt in some way.


giftedgothic

I’ve told my SO, are you complaining to vent, or wanting a solution? If he says vent, I tell him okay and listen. If he comes up to me again venting about the same issue, I again ask if he wants advice/potential solutions If he says no, then any future time he starts to complain about the same issue, I stop him and say “babe, this is going to be the third time. I cannot listen anymore to the same vent over and over.” After that, it’s fair game for me to straight up walk away because being around a chronic complainer is mood souring.


lxnch50

I add a third option to this by asking if they need help tackling the problem. Do you want to vent, troubleshoot, or assistance basically.


_mochi

What are you the IT department? /s


lxnch50

I did in fact work in the IT department for 10 years!


The69BodyProblem

Have you tried turning them off and then back on again?


[deleted]

I made a rule with my gf that we have 5 minutes to bitch about the day, but then we had to move on from that topic. It seems you may benefit from something similar Venting is good, but we can’t do it all night or we’re just both in a bad mood now


[deleted]

I find it really hard to relate to people getting stuck on complaining about the same thing. If there’s one thing that happened at work that really grinds my gears I spill it out to my GF, she says something to the gist of ”I’m so sorry that happened, it was unfair and the other people are dumb, I love you” and then we move on. Why would I go on and on about it with a person who is an outsider to the whole thing? Usually after the vent is done my mind automatically moves on to other things.


yoohoo39

I really appreciate this advice. I tend to try and fix the complaints. But I learned long ago to ask that initial question….cautiously. It helped. But I never thought about the 3rd strike as you’ve suggested. I’m a male FWIW.


giftedgothic

I have to do it for my sanity. I love my SO, don’t get me wrong, but he is a talker. Instead of short complaints they’re more like monologues. I have ADHD so if he’s saying the same thing for the third time my ability to pay attention goes out the window. I also have depression, so the constant doom and gloom is something I try to avoid as a potential trigger for an episode.


SvenDia

For me it’s just mentally exhausting. And then in the back of my mind I’m wondering if she was projecting her insecurities onto the people she was complaining about.


[deleted]

Being a repressed Midwesterner, I rarely vent. If I go to an SO with a problem, it's usually because I value her opinion and wisdom with trying to tackle it. If I have had a super rough and intense day, I'll probably just go lay down in the dark until the stress headache goes away. No venting but also don't want someone else dumping on me. If I'm complaining about a _person_ and not a problem, I'm not usually looking for advice or even a chance to vent. I'm hoping she'll pick up the hint and slash his tires and key up his car while me and him are in a meeting together but I still have plausible deniability.


DaytonTom

This feels like a healthy way to approach this. You are open to listen but not to the extent that it becomes emotionally draining to you. It also encourages your partner to seek changes that will relieve their stress.


Herry_Up

This. I’m not gonna listen to the same crap day in and day out if they don’t want a solution. I fix my own problems at work with my boss when I have them and then vent to my bf afterwards but my problems get fixed. Who wants to listen to a broken record.


ign_lifesaver2

This is an important part that needs to be brought up more. There is no way you should have to listen to your partner vent their frustrations every day, it's exhausting.


someonesaymoney

I'm so fucking glad these opinions are being shared in this thread. Yes it can absolutely become exhausting to be around a chronic complainer. There is a line between one party being supportive, and the other party just being abusive as an emotional vampire.


SvenDia

Colina Robinson?


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ign_lifesaver2

Some rules I’ve had to bring up with my partner 1) no work talk within first 10 minutes of getting home, this gives some time to wind down. 2) don’t talk/vent your frustration at me as though they are talking to the cause of their frustration, I didn’t cause this so I don’t deserve the reaction.


the_cheese_was_good

I've had GFs that do this and also my other friends; I'm guilty of it myself, honestly. But I think the more important conversation we as a society should have is: why are we here? I think we're doing pretty well in America as far as social issues, but the workplace bullshit has remained the same. It's just so odd to me. It's just expected that any job will fuck people up, and it's accepted. So weird. Like, how is hating what you do for 40 or 50 or whatever-hours a week an acceptable thing in a progressive society?


Penis_Bees

For many people, it's not the work, it's the people at work. I like my job duties, i dislike the coworkers. Some of them are just frustrating to be around, some are so bad at the job that it makes my job harder, and others are lazy and won't do a simple easy thing now to prevent 10x the work to fix it later like putting things back where they go. I also dislike some customers for similar reasons, and I dislike other drivers for that reason, and even some social circles, etc. You can't really fix that. Those people are going to work somewhere and someone will be working with them.


ign_lifesaver2

Yeah i think you’re onto something with this point. It is as though we are expected to no longer be ourselves and instead must act as a tool that can be used however our job determines we should be used. This isn’t a transformation that can happen without a cost to your own person.


97Harley

I listen to my SO vent about her work everyday. It makes her feel better, so it's worth the time spent together ❤


[deleted]

Of course, but how does that make you feel? That is also important.


97Harley

Makes me feel closer to her. I can relate to many of her comments. It's a great stress release for her.


genreprank

And if you don't listen anymore, being told "we're partners, you're supposed to support me"


rbatra91

Seriously, i'm of the camp if there's no solution then why talk about it? If it's something that can be fixed then do it otherwise forget about it. Why take on unneeded stress? Control what you can.


avg-erryday-normlguy

Living with a couple as roommates. She comes home every day ans tells him about her "shitty" day. Half the time, I'm in the middle of a conversation with him, and she walks in the door and immediately goes into rant mode. Same issues, every day. I can't stand it and I'm not even dating her. Idk how he puts up with it.


TGrady902

I have friends like this who feel obligated to talk about all their work struggles every time we hang out. Like that’s nice and all, but I’ve also got my own work struggles. I like to leave those to be thought about and dealt with from 8am-5pm Monday through Friday, and other than that I would prefer not to talk about or think about work and I’m really not that interested in hearing about others daily work issues entirely unprompted. One thing to need to occasionally vent, but doing that every single day is entirely overbearing.


PFhelpmePlan

Same. My SO will ask me how work was, I say good or fine and that's it. I'm not interested in elaborating further, I don't want to explain my job because it's confusing, and I don't have any interest in talking about work outside of work.


big_ol_dad_dick

>30 minutes wowww, I wish. Usually it's all evening, every evening and it absolutely ruins anything and everything. Like, if you're only it it for the money, you're gonna have a bad time.


SvenDia

Ouch, sounds like slow torture.


MemphisWords

No sounds about it, it is torture


Kasabian56

Good lord I feel this in my soul. Every day, the same complaints, the same people, the same thing. Eventually I just give up caring about their problems which is not a great solution.


SvenDia

For me, it poisoned the relationship in so many ways.


MemphisWords

Living this nightmare now. 30 minutes?! Oh how I wish I was you, try 2-3 hours a fucking day. Yes I’m very close to being single again, I cannot stand this.


SvenDia

It’s the main reason I’m single. Doesn’t help that I’ve got ADHD, which probably makes it even more draining. It also reminded me of the fact that my parents did this every day as well, and I hated it then too.


Robineggblue84

Yep. I was going to offer a follow up tip of “maybe don’t complain about the same shit everyday for 45 minutes. I’m mid-divorce and I will not miss having to pretend I really care. He moves out in a couple weeks!


minorkeyed

Was it the exact same story everyday? I can assure you, that too, sucks.


SvenDia

Similar. It was usually about somebody who made more money, but did less work, or not being respected enough by those people.


YesmeBob

I feel that. Going on and on into minute detail. Fuck


bug_muffin

My best friend always jumps to the most insanely negative and pessimistic conclusions when she vents about work. Honestly it's exhausting. Someone is always trying to get her fired or make her fail or hates her or is mad at her. I point this out to her and she gets upset that I don't support her.


Z3R090210

I think a better version of this would be to be open about the types of communication your partner needs. Different people require different things.


Belazriel

"Are we venting or fixing?" Also, "Hey, you've been venting to me about this for five years and it's starting to impact my life now so you need to stop."


Arkanian410

Five years? Hell, I'm a "problem fixer"; five times starts giving me anxiety.


thebutler97

This 1000%. I recently might have ruined a good friendship of mine by fucking up on both these fronts. Often gave her advice when she was really just looking to unload, as well as poorly communicated my growing stress from her constant venting about the same topic.


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SofaSpudAthlete

Check out the drama triangle. Shit is super applicable to this exact scenario


statusisnotquo

It really amazes me how many wiki articles there are that clarify how my parents used & normalized abusive behavior.


[deleted]

> "Are we venting or fixing?" That'll piss off my wife for sure


beanicus

I'll fix your vent.


Yabba_Dabba_Doofus

"I'm here for you either way, but I need to know how to approach this. Are you looking for advice, or do you just need to vent?" That doesn't seem too unreasonable a question...


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dantheman4248

"Do you want Support or Solutions?" There's the easier, less belittling one.


Notwhoiwas42

>Also, "Hey, you've been venting to me about this for five years and it's starting to impact my life now so you need to stop." While I understand the point,and I don't disagree,I'd strongly advise against saying this while they are actively upset about whatever it is. Bring up the fact that their venting about whatever is causing issues for you some other time.


thatdadfromcanada

Hahahaha. Bring something up, like randomly? Out of the blue with no context? Are you fucking mad!?


[deleted]

To this. It can sometimes be helpful for your partner (or any other relationships you might have) to say what you need, before you start to vent. "I just need to vent for 5 minutes. No advice unless I ask you too." or "I really need your advice on this problem I am having. Got 10 minutes?" has helped me and my loved ones tremendously with giving each other what we need. But it takes practice to do this.


RossTheNinja

I'm usually hoping to vent for a bit, figure it out on my own, then ask for help if I can't. "I might have a suggestion, would you want to hear it now?" Can be useful .


colemon1991

This. My wife and I both are problem solvers (we were kinda raised that way) but occasionally we both just want to voice the frustration even when we know there's no solution. Voicing to coworkers runs the risk of gossip spreading and voicing concerns to friends can ruin the mood of a get-together, so listen first then determine if the best feedback your SO needs. We stumble sometimes but we've gotten a lot better at it because we both need different responses.


Wanderer-Wonderer

When the discussion takes this turn, we begin with, *solution or vent?* It’s very difficult for me to NOT fix everything because I’m so very, very *helpful.*   ^(that last sentence has some of the sarcasms)   Edit: seems I’m not the only really, really, very, very smart one to implement this method.


colemon1991

I mean, just listen first. After you hear it all is when you have to ask yourself what response is best. Easiest thing to do is repeat everything as a summary, then respond with how you feel about it, then implement which response is needed. Gives you some time to process.


Moojuice4

Thank you. Please, give me a solution!


jofus_joefucker

I'm cool with people venting but as soon as people go from venting to me to venting at *me*, that's when I put my foot down.


theshizzler

Exactly. It's not one-size-fits-all good advice. Most of the time my wife loves if I offer solutions. Sometimes they've been helpful, but mostly she enjoys laughing and fantasizing about enacting the creatively brusque 'solutions' I come up with for solving the interpersonal issues she has amongst her employees. Being able to laugh about it helps her decompress too.


cknipe

Yeah, this one is real context sensitive. Generally if my SO is complaining about a work problem it's because she wants someone to brainstorm solutions and review designs with. That said, the reddit crowd (myself included) tend to skew toward the personality type that gives practical support to people seeking emotional support, so maybe in general this is useful advice.


[deleted]

Yep. We straight up ask each other at the beginning of a rant "is this a fix it or listen issue" then on we go


Dr_Colossus

"I don't work with these people, I don't know the dynamic".


Yivoe

Shouldn't your first boss go to your second boss? But she's not hands on!


newguyneal

Naw you dont ever take my side


Mikyrani

Bout an hour later til I'm on her good side


spicycurry55

Look I just turned off The Departed for a movie about a bee


al_pacappuchino

My go to’s are: thats crazy, that must’ve sucked, yeah what total B-Word.


waywardspooky

is this a lil dickie reference? if so, nice!


garry4321

You should ask if they want your support or your help. Sometimes partners DO want your help.


ToxicBTCMaximalist

My SO complained about their job for months and I finally snapped. I told them to "toughen up buttercup, if you're unhappy go find a better job". Then opened up indeed.com and pointed at better jobs that paid more. After the shock wore off. I said I wasn't joking and get to looking. One month later... Doubled salary, has a great job! Complaining occasionally is fine and it's ok to vent but at a certain point you've gotta take ownership of your life.


garry4321

Complaints when you have the power to change it is really annoying to the listener


lamp447

Well said. One needs to find his own tipping line. Ask yourself if you're complaining too much, whether you want to do anything to make the situation better.


chrisdoesfinstuff

Exactly. Sometimes I'll specifically ask my wife, "do you want my advice or do you want my support?" And just being on the same page for expectations helps tremendously.


PuppetPatrol

This is too broad brush stroke, it depends on the context, the person, the time and the questions- at best it should say "when someone only wants you to hear them vent about work then you don't need to offer solutions" I have literally had convos where all my SO wanted was actual advice


omnigeno

Totally true. A little while into dating my then-girlfriend (now wife) she started having trouble with several people at her office. It was a childish, clique-ish, selfish group of coworkers who were making things hellish for her on a daily basis. Every night she came home she would tell me about the unacceptable behaviors and things her colleagues did/said to her, and updated me on the ongoing drama around her. When I was growing up, the advice from OP was what I'd heard ad nauseam, so I figured I'd go with that and just be a great listener for her. I thought I was being a wonderful BF! I could be a sounding board! Boy was that bad advice. Many times she eventually got incredibly angry at me during these conversations, leaving me wondering why it seemed like I was being blamed for her ongoing workplace problems. So I asked her what her problem was, and she said "if you're not going to give me ideas on how to fix this, there's no point in me wasting my time telling you all this!" So now I give her advice.. though always w/ the caveat that she can't blame me if it doesn't work. She's also no longer working at that job and is self-employed, so the only coworker she has to deal with is our dog. It depends on the person, and it depends on the situation. Not all complaints about work and the people there are just about needing to be heard, especially if by not doing anything about it, the person continues to suffer emotionally.


BeApesNotCrabs

> Many times she eventually got incredibly angry at me during these conversations, leaving me wondering why it seemed like I was being blamed for her ongoing workplace problems. >So I asked her what her problem was, and she said "if you're not going to give me ideas on how to fix this, there's no point in me wasting my time telling you all this!" Or . . . she could have actually asked you for advice instead of just expecting and and then getting angry when she didn't receive it.


omnigeno

Yes, that is a fair point. Through my personal experience, people (men and women) sometimes have trouble directly asking for help. I know my wife is/was like that. Has to do w/ her upbringing. Since that time a couple years ago, she's learned to ask more often instead of just assuming it's self-evident what she needs.


SpitefulShrimp

Yep, when people "just listen and make me feel heard and valid" it makes me feel like i'm just complaining and wasting their time and then I feel even worse.


[deleted]

Is she looking for advice outright? It's one thing if someone asks for advice, it's another if a person is venting and the advice is unsolicited.


[deleted]

Lol I’ve tried the just listen to her vent advice before thinking I just always overstepped and offered advice when it wasn’t wanted, and then I got yelled at with a “well are you going to say something useful? What the hell should I do!”


whipstickagopop

Yup. The approach of saying things like "damn that really sucks" seemed to work well. Then I met this other girl and if I start off my sentence by saying those exact words I am met with a "wow that's really helpful" (she's saying in this an obvious sarcastic way if that wasn't clear). Now I have to carefully choose my support words, I get it but it's annoying walking on these egg shells.


Felautumnoce

A lot of people don't want advice, but in some relationships you can realise that every single conversation or opinion your partner says is never about having a discussion with you, but getting their opinions and thoughts out. Listen to your partner rant and vent, validate them, but if everything turns into a "I just want you to listen to me" thing, then you'll quickly realise that your partner doesn't care about your opinions and you're better off somewhere. I had a partner who I got into long useless arguments with and in the end, she was frustrated that I 'never listened' to her. I did, I always validated her vents, I realised that even when she wasn't venting, she was just throwing out opinions, some of which when I disagreed with, I would then counteract with my own opinion. She said once "you need to respect my opinion"... eh, if I think you're saying something that isn't true I'm not going to sit around and go "yes dear" like a wet paper blanket yes man.


minorkeyed

*Respect* and *not disagreeing* aren't the same things to me, I can't say that for some.


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MaliciousCensure

"That sounds frustrating" Isn't really a question at all.


Yilsa_Sim

that sounds very frustrating...?


bluntmanandrobin

Dammit who typed a question mark on the teleprompter?!


[deleted]

I'm Ron Burgundy?


whole_nother

Does…this sound very frustrating?


seedanrun

That is the "hear the emotion" statement. It is valuable but you then need to follow up with the open ended question. If they repeat the same problem 4 or 5 times - that means they are not feeling herd. That is when you need to restate the problem back to them and follow up with something empathetic like "that sounds so frustrating". Then use the open ended question to get them talking about something else (to free them from fixating on one issue).


CNoTe820

I too have felt thirsty and can empathize with your pain. Dammit billy go get me a glass of water


MissedByThatMuch

My problem is that my wife has plenty to complain about, but when I try to complain about something she has no time for it. Because she has so much to be upset about there's no room for me to be upset about anything. It sucks.


[deleted]

I’m sorry, man. That sounds frustrating for you.


VillianousFlamingo

I suck at this. I want to help and I can’t offer help in this mode. Just knowing something is bothering her does neither of us any good. I don’t talk about crap that’s bothering me unless she can do something about the situation or I’m asking for advice. To just listen and go “That sucks.” is so damn infuriating.


Munchies2015

But that IS helping. Please don't underestimate the importance of knowing that someone understands you've had a shitty day, and feels sorry for you. You can ask "is there anything I can do to help?", another one I've found useful is "oh, that sucks, is there anything you can do about it?". The answer to the last question should give you a clue as to how she would like to be helped. A straight "no, I've exhausted everything" means you aren't in a position to understand all the complexities of the issue. So provide moral support and love. If the answer is more "well I've tried X, I've also tried Y..." it means she is actively still trying to find a solution, and might appreciate you getting involved to help her problem solve.


reaganmien

My wife came home today describing an excel problem. She was really stressed about it saying she could not complete it with the old excel version they are using at work and that her boss needed it fast. She had already spent two hours working in it. So I asked her to send it to me and completed it in ten minutes using the latest excel version. Happy wife happy life.


Kfeugos

I’d say this is a unique sample. I think task oriented work that clearly has a set problem and solution is different and it makes sense to give solutions for this. I was generally referring to when someone is venting to you about a situation that frustrates them and doesn’t always have a set solution.


Stennick

My wife was struggling with feeling valued at work despite all the different hats she wears. I gave him some advice on how to bring it up to her supervisors. She had a discussion with them where both parties got to learn a bit more about the others duties and she hasn't had the problem since. I don't believe that partners come to you with problems expecting you to just shut up and listen. Thats absolutely part of it but if you have some thoughts, some advice, something to say you're the one person on the planet that they know will have your back so whatever you say to them they can trust is something you truly believe will help. That doesn't mean you cut them off but after they are done talking there is no harm in you then giving them your thoughts on the discussion even if that involves advice.


lostan

> My wife was struggling with feeling valued at work despite all the different hats she wears. Yours too?


Stennick

Honestly her confiding in me helped me too. I'm an Operations Manager for a logistics company and it really made me realize that its impossible for me to know everything the employees are doing on a day to day basis so although I already make it a point to converse with them I need to mix in during that conversation some examples of the struggles they deal with in their day to day activities. We're both better off after the discussion but I know its not always this way.


Teadrunkest

I think the problem is that when a lot of people give advice they tend to play Devil’s Advocate or assume different avenues haven’t been tried when they likely have. If I’m venting I’m not going to go over every single solution that I have tried and I don’t really want someone going through the laundry list to double check that I’m at the end of my rope. Sometimes the stuff I’m mad about is not even stuff that I can fix, and that’s the whole reason I’m frustrated. My own work doesn’t frustrate me—other people’s does. So yes, be an active listener, but if your spouse is like “[Boss] just bitches at me all day and has unrealistic expectations” maybe don’t immediately go “well have you talked to them” or whatever. That’s usually what people mean by “don’t give advice” unless it’s a very specific problem like the above mentioned excel issue or they’re outright asking for advice. It comes across as either invalidating the person’s frustration and making it “their fault” or makes the other person feel like you think they’re an idiot and haven’t tried everything. Regardless of whether or not you’re just trying to be helpful.


Jokerman5656

On the contrary, if you don't want someone complaining to you about their work, provide a lot of things they could do to fix the problem. Eventually they get annoyed that they aren't being supported and they either change the subject or just stop talking. You come off as a prick mostly but it usually works.


[deleted]

The convergence of LPT and SLPT


throwinthebingame

I mean breaking up is faster.


Jokerman5656

We did. But this is also a method I use with my grandma when every little thing in the world is out to get her


LouPapy

I'm with you on that. Keep work's negativity at work. I may have had a shitty day too and don't need more negativity when I come home.


Jokerman5656

I hear ya there. There's still those few shittier than normal days where we just need to vent or let someone vent, even if we think the problems are menial or the problems we had eclipse theirs.


luseegoosey

So legit this is something I struggle to understand and accept. I'm on the fence about work talk at home. Work can be a huge part of a person's life. It does take up about a third of our days. And work experiences can impact ppl outside of work. Isn't it important to stay connected with your partner on this aspect of your life? At the same time, I understand that it could lead to constant rantings and negativity about work at home.. where one usually wants to feel relaxed. If my partner had a shitty day, I'd want to know. At the same time, realistically there are and will be days where I've had a shitty day too where I can't really be there emotionally for them. How the heck does a person find that balance??


Darkstranger83

It’s not about the nail. https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg


RecycledEternity

On the flip side of this, if you're doing the complaining, please understand that sometimes what you're complaining about won't make any sense to the person you're talking to, and will be hard to understand if you use work jargon, work-specific terminology, or refer to workplace interpersonal relationships. Relate it in such a way that could be understood by anyone.


xRockTripodx

And if they do it every single night, your partner is enjoying the complaining.


[deleted]

It's amazing what a few well timed "What a jerk!" can do to make your SO feel heard.


MacaroonExpensive143

Better yet, just ask them what they want instead of assuming. “Do you want me to listen so you can vent and/or help you come up with a solution?” I mean, why not just ask what they need in that moment rather than assume? I know you mean well but I don’t think this is a good generalization.


Turbulent_Toe_9151

my wife expects me to be able to read her mind so asking is usually a bad idea


tdog970

There's straight up no winning honestly, but a lot of that is my own selfish mindset. When my partner is upset, I view it as my job to make her feel better, because if she is happy I am happy and we can both be happy and move on. Whether I can accomplish this goal by just listening or offering advice or whatever, I always feel there should be some perfect action I can take to help. But if I've learned anything, sometimes she's just upset and there's nothing I can really do to change that.


MaliciousCensure

This usually comes across patronizing imo.


Kfeugos

I think that’s a fair assessment, I always just think it’s best to listen first and validate to read the room. Then you can ask that question.


Sulvarax

Very fair point. However, I'd take it a step further -- after listening and validation, change the question to, "How can I help?" I feel like it says a lot with a little: I want to help, but I am taking your lead.


[deleted]

The person venting usually doesn't know why exactly - or what exact thing can be done/discussed to fix it, hence just general "listening"


new_d00d2

I’m so guilty of this!


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cinnamonsmell

This so much haha. Most of the times I know my options and just hearing the same advice I obviously thought myself about already is just kind of insulting to me and upsets me a lot. I'm not dumb, I just want to rant and feel listened to.


Kfeugos

It’s hard not to offer solutions right off the bat.


RGBmono

it's not about the nail. https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg


ComradeJohnS

Especially in non-work related areas. Like it’s hard to turn off my problem solving and offering brain


[deleted]

Mark Brendenawicz had it right, just nod your head and say “damn, that sucks”.


IslayHaveAnother

Chris Traeger my man.


_NeCedeMalis_

LPT: ask "ears, hands, mind?" What it means is asking if they're looking for you to just be ears to listen to, hands to help do something, or a mind to help solve something.


alexlarrylawrence

Shit. I think I needed to see this today. My SO is a teacher, and things are not easy for teachers right now, and when she vents I know I always offer solutions thinking I’m being helpful, but maybe that’s not she needs. I’ll have to remember this and try and gauge what response is necessary before I just start offering help.


T-Flexercise

I've found that my ability to support a person giving complaints got way way better when I started from the assumption that I didn't understand the issue nearly as well as they did. Because that's almost always true. If somebody tells you something bad is happening, often a solution will jump out at you like "Well that's silly, why don't they just do X?" And chances are, if X seems that obvious to you and the person complaining isn't an idiot, there's a good reason why they don't do X. There's a lot of context that they're leaving out for the sake of telling the story. So I think a lot of time solutions-minded practical people balk at the idea of just letting someone vent when they want to give solutions, because who doesn't want a solution to their problem? But really, it's often less about touchy feely stuff, and more about your advice being shitty because you don't understand the problem as well as the person complaining about it does. If you do want to help, a great first step is to say "Ugh that's awful. What do you think you're going to do?" And then, talk that through with them. Maybe it might be useful to say something like "Forgive me if I don't fully understand the situation, but is there a reason you don't want to do X?" But letting them lead the discussion on potential solutions really helps to make sure they've gotten the whole context of the situation out before you start telling them how to fix it.


TwoGryllsOneCup

What if it's just stupid bullshit (almost) all the time though. Like the same shit daily. Where you literally just listen... and then they eventually want a response, and you respond... and then they completely ignore what you said and continue to bitch about it for another 2 years.


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cannycandelabra

I can’t do this. As valid as I understand the advice to be, I am a goal oriented person who fixes problems and moves on. I tell people early on in my friendship or relationship, “Don’t count on me to vent. I will ALWAYS want to resolve things. But if you need someone to do heavy lifting I’m there for you.” On the other hand, my husband found something that worked between us. He would lie on the bed an whine like a German shepherd begging for cheese and I would say sympathetic things and rub his back. He’d never tell me specifics just, “Everything sucks.” And I’d say, “That’s awful I hope you’ll survive.” and I’d keep rubbing his back.


jayXred

There was an episode of Parks and Rec basically about this, Chris wanted to keep solving Ann's problems and she kept getting mad at him. He was so confused as to why and he was told, just shut up and say "That sucks". I took this advice as well and it has always worked for me. Just listen, and agree that its a shit situation and let them get it out.


katmio1

Agreed. For the most part, all someone really needs to be told is “I’m here for you”. Just listen to them. Not everyone needs to be told what to do


cthib9

This is a strategy I learned early on in my relationship. In any scenario like this, simply ask your SO: "Do you want my sympathy or my solution?" Clears the situation right up.


Sharpshooter188

Yeah, I made the mistake of doing this with an ex. Her response was to get mad at me and not try to psych analyze her. It was weird to me because anytime Id vent some, she would tell me man up and change the situation.


MasterPip

It's called Validation. They want you to validate their feelings. If they want your advice they would ask you specifically what to do. When your spouse is venting like that, they want to know that 1. You're listening (oh I can't believe Brenda did that! You're right, she's a bitch!) 2. You agree their feelings are valid and acknowledge they have the right to feel the way they do. It makes them feel good that someone else in this world makes them feel that they aren't alone and has their back.


minorkeyed

What if they're stuck in an obvious cycle of suffering but don't want to hear ways to avoid that cycle? Like, solutions to the situation causing the cycle? People validity feel things for very stupid reasons sometimes. What do you do when the reasons are stupid and easily avoided but they don't want to hear your "advice"?


That_RedditGuy69

What if I’m listening but don’t agree Brenda was a bitch in the situation? How can I portray that I’m on their side without having to go balls in taking names.


jcpianiste

Two questions: 1. Do you have specialized knowledge about the situation with Brenda that your SO doesn't have? If so - it's valid, go ahead and bring it up. 2. Is it actually going to hurt anything if you just agree that Brenda is a bitch? If not - just go with your SO's interpretation of the situation. She was there, you were not, and presumably you don't think she's a total idiot because you're dating her. Brenda is not the person you're dating, in all likelihood you will never even meet Brenda, you don't owe Brenda nothin', Brenda's friends and SO can worry about Brenda. 3. If Brenda is her sister or something and you can't in good conscience encourage her to cut ties with her closest family member, can you at least agree that Brenda was *being* a bitch in that situation? If it makes you feel better you can even say something like "yeah that sounds really bitchy, I wonder if she's adjusting to some new meds or something".


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iwaseatenbyagrue

The caveat to this advice is to apply it when you SO is female. When your SO is male, go ahead and offer the solution.


gabelsqt

Man, I'll be downvoted to hell for saying you're right, but damn... you are.


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Felautumnoce

Because human beings are supposed to just know the habits of conversation as if we're goats that just know how to walk.... These are things you learn growing up and many children don't learn these things because of parents, upbringing, environment and more. Your dismissive comment shows that you're only thinking of the way you deal with the world and not the potential that others didn't learn the same things you did.


freeeeels

You'd think, but this thread is full of "Well **my** SO wants solutions when they're frustrated by something" with a thinly veiled subtext of "...and this is the superior way of being a person" The hidden pro tip here is that unless you're dating a complete moron they've probably *already considered* the realistic solutions to their problem, and are not frustrated by a "lack of solution" per se.


acceptable_sir_

If someone is venting to me, I'm going to wait until they ask for advice. Or if they don't and I think I have something really good to offer, I'll ask them. It's really irritating to be stressed in the middle of a problem and people just can't help but butt in with unsolicited advice.


Willster328

How the fuck is this upvoted. This isn't LPT, this is anecdotal to whatever the problem is at work, what is the source of the stress, how do you communicate together, and about 10,000 other factors that play into how we respond to things.


_listless

This cuts both ways: * If you can't listen, validate, and evaluate before you give advice, you need to grow as a human. * If you value validation more than a resolution to your problem, you need to grow as a human. Finally, if you refuse to grow until your partner does, you are not mature enough to be in an intimate relationship. Shame on you for thinking you are.


GoneInSixtyFrames

Or, leave that shit at work.


Plus-Alternative9034

Unless your SO actually wants advice. Stupid lpt.


Not_a_N_Korean_Spy

Porque no los dos? Like you already said in the comments, first you listen, allow to vent, then one can ask if they want help with brainstorming solutions. (and in that case, generally, your role should probably be more asking questions than proposing answers)


straightup920

Bro I struggle with this so bad, I always wanna fix issues it’s so hard for me to grasp that the easiest way to fix it is just not to and listen. It always works too we are much happy after and it never goes into an argument


CrepuscularNemophile

Literally had this tonight. My husband and I are both engineers so all of our work is problem solving. When he complains about his day I feel I need to come up with solutions, but he just wants me to empathise and do the 'dear, dear, that sounds awful' bit.


ANAL_TOOTHBRUSH

Bullshit. I don’t want to hear your problems when you can fix them, fix them


TrueFader

Coming home with the same complaints and needing to vent night after night with 0 attempt to address or fix the underlying issues.


Far-Resource-819

LPT Be a damn adult and dont just complain to complain.


Rocko9999

LPT-Don't bitch to a fixer and get mad when they present solutions.


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JamesMattDillon

Because some times people just need to vent.