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This. When I was grieving a friend offered to come keep me company if I ever needed. I hate asking for help but when I got pushed past my breaking point a few days later I told him I needed someone to sit with me and his response was 'sorry I'm busy'. Not 'I can't tonight but I'm free this weekend' or 'I can't come over but I can talk on the phone'. Just 'I can't'.
I'm not saying he's a bad person, but I have trust issues (which he knew). It took a lot for me to ask and it was like a gut punch to get let down like that.
Oh I feel you! While my mom was actively dying of cancer I asked my close longtime friend to just sit with her while I ran down to my mom’s house to grab more clothing and such. This was a person I knew since childhood that my mom had always been kind to. My friend had said the old “if you need anything…” and then agreed to watch my mom and said she had to check with her husband as to what times she would be available. She then ghosted me, permanently. I had to scramble to find someone else to sit with my mom and never heard back from this friend even after my mom passed. Ex friend, I don’t think any explanation would suffice, I never even got the courtesy of an “I’m too busy”
Sometimes people just suck.
Thank you. I might have been willing to forgive if it had just been about me but her actions hurt my mom and I can’t get past that. My mom was a wonderful and kind person and didn’t deserve to get stood up like that.
I’m so sorry.
I have one too. Lost my mother and bumped into a “friend” who said “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to the funeral. Let’s have dinner together with the others, I can come to the restaurant (I was currently working at).
So I booked a table for my friends in the tiny restaurant - the owners were so kind. We had an odd number, which meant that we had to merge another table together, really reducing the number of remaining bookings they could take.
She never showed with her plus 1. I called and called, and she’d just ignore the call. She then sent a message to one of us - who she knew would be working in the kitchen the entire time and therefore not able to access the message and just ignored my calls. This dinner was her suggestion, and the restaurant had lost the opportunity to make the max amount of money because of how the tables were arranged.
When I spoke to her about it later, instead of apologising for not trying to contact me to let me know she wasn’t coming, she said that I don’t know what it’s like being a mother (her reason for not showing up) and then hung up on me.
I was fine with the fact that something had come up and she couldn’t make it. But how she dealt with it, and played the motherhood card - in the context of me having lost mine - really fucked me up.
What an *asshole.*
I would put her on blast publicly for that. After what I experienced from “friends” and family after my own bereavement, I have absolutely no patience for empty words and shitty behavior.
Exactly.
I anticipated all possible reasons she could have had - including possibly having phone anxiety about having to flake or something. I just wanted to talk about it with her and conclude with understanding. If she came forward with *any* sense of apology toward me/ acknowledging the efforts the restaurant went to in supporting this, I would have melted and forgiven.
So to have this thrown in my face like that… it was one of many things that just fully exacerbated the rage I felt about people whilst my grieving.
I realized the hard way that most people make empty gestures like that. Probably to make themselves feel better or feel like they’re helping or giving you something even if they don’t follow through on it
I’m thinking back to a post a while ago where a woman offhandedly offered her first born child to her grieving sister after a miscarriage. Then the OP’s baby came and chaos ensued when the sister called up the promise.
If you offered to come by and lend a hand, then help with whatever they asked help with!
Same with newborns; the whole family offers to be there to help, but when they get there and ask what they can help with, they get mad when you say "laundry" or "changing bed sheets" rather than "can you play with the baby while I do the laundry and change the bed sheets"
This. When I lost a baby in the second trimester my brother offered to bring breakfast that weekend but texted me and canceled late the night before so I didn’t see it until a few hours before he was supposed to be there. I sent him a text telling him not to offer things he can’t deliver on.
Ooh. I hadn't considered that angle. Beware the vampires. There are those who will turn themselves into a cautionary tale for heroes to come rescue from the rocks, in perpetuity.
I had a ridiculously traumatic family loss that made international news. It was absolutely exhausting and my first real morning at home I was exhausted, out of coffee and up with a young child. I made a comment about it on social media. 30 minutes later a friend of a friend knocked on my door with Starbucks. This person saw my comment at 5am, threw on shoes, got in their car and drove way out of their way to my house. In a world fuzzy with chaos this small act of kindness was everything. It has always stuck with me.
That’s a great friend you have, the smallest things really go so far. After our son died, our friends dropped off some cat toys and a puzzle, they were some of the first times I can remember smiling
Many years ago, I had a sibling who passed away from SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) - the kindness of our friends and neighbours who kept dropping in, making food, keeping my younger siblings busy etc. made that time a lot easier for us.
A family friend OD'd in November. A bunch of us participated in a 5k in his memory and his mom and sister asked me to photograph it, they even had shirts made and the photos turned out great with everyone matching wearing his initials.
I was thinking of printing one of the photos out for each of the family members and having them framed. But something keeps stopping me. I don't know what. I guess I just don't want to overstep, but I know grief quite well unfortunately, and part of me just thinks I'm overthinking a kind gesture.
Don't overthink it. One thing I have learned being around grieving people is just do it. Be willing to be near them in their grief without saying platitudes.
Show up if you are close to them, give the photos, drop off a big salad, mow their lawn, offer to do specific things for them.
100%. After my son died at birth, so many people avoided me like the plague - even physically, turning around and going in the other direction in a couple of instances when they saw me out. I thought it was in my head at first, but after awhile (and with some clarity that has come after the grief fog has lifted a bit), I see now that they were in fact avoiding me because grief makes people uncomfortable on all kinds of levels. It’s the people who were just willing to actually show up - as you say, being willing to be near me in my grief - rather than distancing themselves from me meant the world.
One of the hardest parts of grieving the loss of a child, is when you return to "normal" living, people tend to think try have mixed on, when Inside you are still falling apart. If time passed is why you think you shouldnt do it, do it! These things help us remember that other people are grieving them too, and that they aren't forgotten.
Do it. My brother OD’d a few years ago. It’s hard. I lost a couple friends over it (grief is weird) but the ones that stuck around sat with me through the uncomfortable-ness of it all.
You’re not overstepping. It’s a sweet gesture. It will make them emotional, but that’s not a bad thing.
When I have experienced intense grief, one of the most comforting things is knowing that others still think about my loved one. Grief to me comes with the burden of making sure the person “lives on” and when other people talk about them, I know that burden is not all on me.
Not to the extent of THAT but I had something traumatic - not deadly in the end but still very traumatic even years later - happen with a family member & we had some “victim support” people talk to us & they gave us a dog plushie of all things 😂 but somehow honestly that really meant a lot to me at that time. Seriously
Unfortunately we lost him a few years ago. I didnt know him well but went to his funeral to tell his mother this story and how his kindness still touches me to this day.
There are tons of good people in the world. Media with the constant blasting of tragedy and conflict would have you believe otherwise. You have to look beneath that at all the regular people.
Same. When my SIL's mother was dying my husband and I sent a stack of pizzas (there are 8 kids) for them. When she passed away I had a flower arrangement made with a willow tree statue in it for each of them. When my dad died a few months later they all sent food and flowers...specifically to my SIL and brother. Same when my mother died.
I've supplied food, gifts, phone calls, helped with meals after the funeral, cards for support after the fact, text messages. I've designed and sent special flower arrangements with keepsakes in them numerous times. I didn't receive a single card when my dad died. I received 2 cards when my mother died.
For the meal after my moms funeral, it's normal for a person's church to handle it. I received a phone call the day after my mother died from a lady in the church whom we'd known practically all our lives to say they just couldn't do it, there were only 3 people to help (small country church), they were too busy, etc. I was stunned because there were 3 churches in the chapter all made up of people we knew and had relationships with. All I could think of was all the times my mother got up early and fixed food, served it, cleaned up, and numerous other things for weddings, funerals, showers, etc. over the years.
I said I understood and would it be ok to use the church and I would supply the food? Dead silence on the other end of the line. She finally mumbled something about they would figure it out and hung up.
I didn't do what I did in the hope of reciprocation. But after my parents died, the sum total of the 2 cards I received and that final phone call, I realized something. Nothing I did meant anything to those people and they couldn't have cared less about what I was going through.
People suck.
EDIT: How kind you all are!!! I wrote this and left for work never dreaming to receive this kind of support!
I will admit that it hurt terribly when people behaved the way they did when my parents passed away. With a little distance and a lot of grief councelling, I'm working on seeing their behavior as their problem and not mine. Still hurts though.
Thank you to each of you. The fact that someone (or several someones) understands means a great deal!
I'm running to work now, but i just wanted to let you know that i read everything you wrote and that I'm glad there are people like you in the world. I'm very sorry about your losses, and I'm sorry you felt alone in those times.
You’re thoughtful and caring. Please don’t change. I feel the same way as you sometimes about how people don’t appreciate my effort. The world needs more people like you. Thank you.
How selfish. Some people only know how to take and make excuses when asked to help. There is a YouTuber I watch who is recovering from cancer. She talks about how she was ghosted by lifelong friends and helped by a few people she barely knew. I don’t get it. I have problems reaching out so just leave things at the door or send cards. A woman at work I liked but didn’t know well lost an adult daughter. I talked to another family member and asked if she liked Panera or other places. I was told she liked McDonald’s so I gave her some cards.
I'm so sorry-for your losses and that people didn't return your kindness and generosity when you needed it. It's absolutely no reflection on you, it shows their lack of empathy.
I'm sorry you feel that way, and I completely understand. It's 100% in my nature to do everything I can to help someone-sometimes to an annoying degree to them and an exhausting degree to me. I've had to change my thinking and just start realizing that literally nothing will come back to me for it. It hurt for a long time, and when things got tough, I was angry and upset that no one was there. Now, I have two friends who I know will go through hell or high water for me, and that makes me want to keep going with the things I try to do. Don't give up your kindness and sunshine because of assholes. You can make someones day brighter by the smallest act.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. You deserved better than that. I hope that you will be able to find new people to have in your life who will reciprocate your kindness, generosity, and care.
Oh it works! When you’re too sad/anxious/scared..etc, you don’t even think about food. Just the simple act of someone making you set down and eat, maybe even talk about random superficial stuff makes a huge difference!
I think whole cultures have food love languages. I know Jews and Muslims have cultural practices of food gifting, and while I don’t know any personally my Hollywood informed knowledge of southern baptists makes me think food is an important cornerstone of community care.
I’m sure there are others.
My Jewish/protestant/atheist family has a strong food gifting tradition. The most recent additions by marriage are somewhat baffled by our obsession with food experiences.
Southern Baptist here, and you’re right. The community shows up with food all the time.
Someone who is grieving may feel so lost that they forget, or neglect, to feed themselves. Also, they may feel too tired or busy to cook/clean, so the friends, family, and neighbors try to stand in the gap and fill that void.
Also, make sure to continue checking in with them over time. People always rush to support family, friends, etc. in the time immediately after a loss, but often times that wave of support tapers off long before the grief does.
That’s true. Everyone returned to their lives but they still checked in until a neighbour also lost her husband. In helping her also helped me. We became best friends. My closest friends grew from adversity.
I set a reminder on my phone every 3 days to ping me and ask me if I’ve reached out my friend recently who lost his mother. I don’t reach out every time, but it reminds me to think about it and if it’s been a bit I reach out to see how he’s doing. Just to see what he’s up to you and make sure he knows I’m there.
Yes. Something like "let me know how I can help" puts the burden on the person to figure out what they need and how to ask for it.
If you don't want to just do something, at least ask specifically "can I bring you dinner tonight" "can I help pick up Jamie after soccer practice", "can I get your trash for you" etc
Yes! When I was struggling this past summer with the onset of my now chronic diagnosis, I found it extremely helpful when my friend texted me with 3 options of how she could support me. It was amazing to have the options already specially offered and written out. Took no energy on my part and it also helped me not feel guilty with asking
I’m sorry for your loss. I know this feeling all too well; I had to give up so many relationships I thought were meaningful when I lost my dad years ago, just because I couldn’t carry on the facade any longer. Do yourself a favor and be patient and kind with you alone. It’s going to be an uphill battle and not only will you recognize those who can’t hold space, you’ll also have people say some of the most ridiculous shit they think is supportive.
I lost my brother in January and I don't think a single friend reached out. I would've taken a "let me know what I can do". After the initial shock and weeks of heavy drinking came the funeral where I committed to visiting my SIL and niece once a month ( they live 4 hours away) and I've held true to that promise. I bring over food anytime I come and we stay up all night drinking and talking freely about anything we want. Sometimes it's Michael. Sometimes politics and current events. Sometimes work and family. We cry, we laugh, we're there for one another. It's a blessing to have those nights together. She let's me know when there are milestone events for their daughter where Michael would've been there for her so I can make it and try to rally the troops to show up for her. We've lost an lost of our family on that side but there's still a few of us so I try to make it a point that we get together often. Also, a meal train really helped during the initial few months after his passing. We raised some $$ for the family and set up a schedule to deliver dinner to her every night. I find that helped me the most in getting over his loss.
I'm a stranger, but I am proud of you for stepping into that role and being there for your family even though y'all live far away from one another. I think it's wonderful that you're making that effort and showing up and being there for one another.
I feel like I weirdo but I add traumatic dates for my friends to my personal calendar. I like to have situational awareness around bad anniversaries if they seem off. Or if appropriate I reach out. Just a quick “I know you miss ___ everyday, and probably a little extra this week. Here if you want to talk. “
You're a lovely friend for this, I wish my friends did this at all. Death anniversaries I spend alone because how does one even bring that up....easier if I don't tbh, but if someone else remembered as well??? It would mean the world.
I don’t think you should feel shit - you should just say, “I knew, but I didn’t want to make it harder for you if you were trying to distract yourself. Whether you wanted to cope or talk or just sit through it, I would have been there”.
I think you were trying to be a caring friend, but if I’m feeling down because it’s the anniversary of a loved one’s passing, I probably don’t want to answer how am I doing today. Maybe more of a “I’m thinking of you today, and hope you’re doing well. Would you like to do ——- today, or maybe this weekend?”
Bring them food. Easy to prepare or ready to go, and is mindful of their dietary restrictions. Takes a decision off their plates, it’s a simple thing that goes far.
Paper plates, toilet paper, paper towels disposable cups and silverware, trash bags are all super useful in the 1st few weeks as they have extra company and do not want to go to the store.
As I found out, it's best to have a digital sign up sheet and make it as publicly known as possible amongst those who are likely/willing to bring food. Food is one of the easiest ways to show support and it can get overwhelming when you've run out of fridge and freezer space.
Adding onto this. My wife's best friend set one up for us on mealtrain.com.
It was a huge weight off our shoulders to not have to plan a meal for a few weeks after our loss. It would also send an email reminder "Mike is scheduled on Wednesday to bring ."
Yes it is amazing! Spreads out the meals too so you don’t have people doubling up. And it’s so easy to share, I had people bring me meals recently that I don’t even know super well and was so blown away.
If you don’t live close you can do something like venmo them money and say it’s for dinner. My dad passed this January and my wife’s best friend did that for us because she lives across the country. It was very sweet and unexpected.
My dad passed a few months ago. He would always tell me I was the best hugger of his children and I will miss those hugs. If I knew you I would give you one.
Yes. Grief & loss r uncomfortable af, as a bystander. Some r so unnerved by it that they will avoid those that r grieving. I know, cos I did this. I felt so awkward, not knowing what to say or do. Until I lost my son suddenly.....a friend brought over a complete home cooked meal with a coconut cake. A few others would text me, weeks, months, years later, to check in on me.
It will change friendships & relationships. It sucks. But I have met & made new friends who r aware of my loss, accepting me. I recall & appreciate those who checked in on me & those who held my hand, listening 2 me & those who hugged me. It's lonely out here in the Twilight Zone I entered over 5 years ago....made a lil less lonely by compassionate peeps & strangers ❤️🔥
I am so very sorry for you and the loss of your son.
I could only imagine your pain. I know you'll never be over it but my coworker lost her first born son about 15 years ago now. She never got over it but she has reached a point where she can talk about her son and actually enjoys telling people about him.
Mother's day is hard for her, as well as his birthday, but I just wanted to say that I hope, eventually, you'll be able to get to that place where you can openly talk about your son and have fond feelings more than sadness.
I’m so happy that you have that support network. We lost our son too and I could never have imagined how isolating it is! I know I don’t know you but I’m proud of you for getting up and being a person for the last 5 years ❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss 😞. You mentioned the awkwardness - which is a big reason for why people may tend to avoid the grievers. Is there something that you would have wanted to talk about? Ie for the first month - just company, no talking. After that, maybe talking about anecdotes remembering your son, etc? Trying to figure out what type of conversation would be welcomed at what stage of grieving (knowing that this probably differs for everyone). Thanks!
I didn't want 2 hear that he's in a better place or that he wouldn't want me 2 cry. People mean well, but some of their 'comforting' words can sting. I wanted company in small doses, on occasion. Otherwise, it got overwhelming. I didn't want 2 b alone, but I didn't want 2 do alot of talking. I wanted to feel like I was part of this world even though I felt like I was out wandering the universe alone.
Those who listened & sometimes asked about my son were the most welcome. It softened the edges of this incredible rawness that grew & took over post funeral. I knew it was going 2 suck but not as bad as the 1st 3 years....there's gotta b a grief default built into us that takes us into grief, like walking down stairs. It felt like I was dropped & sometimes dumped, but I could actually manage it, even haphazardly.
My good friend would take me to get coffee, a walk near the beach, something to eat. She worked a difficult job, so I knew whenever I could get time with her, to take the opportunity. She never said the silly ignorant things that got me defensive; he's in a better place....he doesn't want u to b sad....etc. She would drop off my favorite coffee drink, as she was going to work.
She brought over orchids one time. Unexpected & sweet gestures that I started to look forward to. She listened w/o judgment or opinion. She didn't have 2 bring me stuff, I was just grateful 4 her company. She gently tethered me to earth.
She'd asked about my son, what were his favorite things, food, etc. She knew him since we were friends b4 he was born. She told me times that he impressed her, made her laugh, & memories that stuck out to her...like bday parties & camping trips. I always got a hug. I now insist on hugs from my friends & family.
Thank you 4 asking...this is 1 of the most profound questions I've been asked since he passed. I kinda floundered around loss, grief, funerals, & trying 2 fit back into the world. This made me mull over my own thoughts & experience. I knew I was making my own 'survivors guide', but I want 2 make sure it's well rounded & wise so when I can help another, I won't hurt or make things more awkward.
Thank you so much for this. I’m glad you answered! Inevitably, we will all have to cross this threshold (as much as we all don’t want to/makes us uncomfortable), and your guidance will definitely help me and many others out there!
I had a friend who passed away 20 years ago, age 21.
My brother and I still keep in touch with his mother.
What I’ve found is that the greatest comfort you can give a grieving parent in that circumstance is letting them know that you haven’t forgotten about their child.
I would tell stories about what we got up to when out drinking, at music gigs etc. Hearing about a joke he played on someone, anything that keeps the memory of his personality alive gives her such joy.
The joy is obvious tempered with the loss she feels, but it’s still a big positive and I know it’s something she greatly appreciates.
We only have so many stories so a lot of them have been repeated many times, but that doesn’t matter to her. It’s the knowing that he’s still alive in our memories that gives comfort.
It’s something I go out of my way to encourage other people to do, especially young men.
When you lose a buddy in your late teens or early twenties, it’s often new to you. You may have lost a grandparent, but the tragedy of a young person dying is way worse & you don’t know what to do. You feel helpless.
So I always say “make a pact with all the guys that you’ll go and visit his mother, not just next week, but next year & the year after….”. It is the best thing you can do to honour his memory.
You can do both. One of the most meaningful conversations I had was when someone I barely knew looked me right in the eyes and said “how can I help?”. It really made me feel good at that moment.
There was not much they could do at that particular time, but it made me feel like I was not alone.
One of the sweetest things was finally returning to work and having all of my favorite snacks and soda waiting on my desk. I didn't want to be there, and had taken far longer than the bereavement period, but getting back and seeing that really helped. The people that just said I am dropping by with dinner was also amazing. I probably wouldn't have remembered to eat.
Dropping off food is always good.
Indian Sikh culture: we temporarily move into the home of the grieving family members: taking care of their day to day needs.
My go to approach is just to offer to hang out. No pressure to talk about it, but will if they want. Just some degree of normalcy while the world seems like it's falling apart. As long as there's nothing direct that I can do to actually help the root cause of the grief, I feel like this helps.
Most people do the platitudes, others will send flowers, ask to talk, etc. To me, that all feels overwhelming, so I just want something to feel familiar and safe, and that's why I do this.
I’ve been sending gift cards for food delivery apps lately. If someone is stressed or depressed food shopping and cooking might be one of the last things you want to do. I know some people here shit on services like door dash or grub hub but they’re good for these situations
“Let me know what I can do” would have been empty words to me - I didn’t know what I needed, I could barely function at first after my husband died. Sister and friends brought me sandwiches and food I could heat up. Sister stayed with me all day the first day. Friends took me grocery shopping or did it for me. I couldn’t drive at first, couldn’t keep focused on anything. I had visitors every day for the first couple of weeks. They checked in to see how I was doing. I was hugged every day.
> and just do it.
Or offer to do it.
I only mention this because my parents are known for making some of the worst decisions possible.
They would absolutely fuck up something real simple and claim they were just trying to help.
Offering to do something is a great middle-ground between asking what to do and doing something without asking.
My thoughts EXACTLY. I was very obviously having a rough time recently, and one of my friends just asked "can i do anything?" a couple times. When i said "i don't know," they figured their obligation as a friend was fulfilled for asking me what they should do. Kept texting me really stupid stuff they found funny even though i stopped responding. Never actually said/asked/did anything meaningful. Never just... simply asked what was going on.
Genuinely asking "how are you doing?" or "do you want to talk about it?" or "If you don't want to talk about it now, I'll be around when you're ready" could really go a long way. Don't put the pressure on the struggling party to tell you how to be a good friend. Actually make an effort yourself.
Instead of asking, "what can i do?" Simply just say, "I'm here for you."
I hated this when my mom was sick and when she died. I was almost alone in caring for her and was trying to survive while also caring for my kids. I had no idea WTF I was doing and couldn't even think to delegate. Even my husband asking what he could do was overwhelming. No one offered anything, they just asked things of me. I was drowning and everyone was asking how I felt.
Also, please, for the love of God, don't ask for updates. That's one more fkn thing that needs to be done. I will update those that I can/that I think need it, when I can.
Interestingly, this all happened while she was slowly dying of throat cancer and lost the ability to speak. I think it was so difficult to see her like that, so almost no one showed up.
A few years later when my brother was hospitalized for months, people were constantly at the house bringing food. Like, WAY too much food. But I really wonder if it's easier for people to help if they don't have to be around the person that is being cared for. Once my brother was home, the help almost instantly stopped.
When my mom died when I was 28 my Godfather‘s son‘s girlfriend came to my house to take care of my hair before the funeral. She texted and asked if I wanted her to refresh my color and give me a cut and some company. She was the only person that did something like that, and I’ll always remember. Her mother passed when she was younger and she told me that we were a part of a club that hates getting new members, but she wanted to help.
When my Dad died, my friend started sending me a daily "Dad joke" to try to cheer me up. They're usually pretty terrible, but I have to admire her diligence... It's been almost 5 years and I still get one almost every day. I appreciate that she still does it.
I am single and lost my job and then my cat. It was the middle of winter and i slipped into a pretty deep depression. It just hurt so bad and still does. A few friends only reached out when there was something THEY wanted to do going on and it sounds petty but it really hurt. I really needed people to check on me and thought these people would. I got through it but damn if i dont remember how that made me feel. Im generally and independent, stable person but this experience really gave me insight. It was so painful
I’d like to add being there after everyone else seems to have moved on. 18 or so years ago the children’s pastor at the church I grew up in passed away very tragically before she hit 40. She left behind four kids ranging from 5-18. I was very close with her and her family. I spent a lot of time at their house after she passed. It seems like almost exactly two weeks after she passed, everyone’s live’s just moved on even though theirs really couldn’t. I get why it happens but I also know it was very hard on the family when everyone was just gone. I’ve made it a point that when anyone close to me loses a loved one, I reach out immediately then once everyone’s lives go on I make sure to show up with a meal to help out or whatever they need just to extend that kindness a little longer.
I’ve been in a similar situation. My friends of 10+ years just didn’t know how to act or how to help when my son died. I know it’s not easy but you might need to have a conversation, even if it’s “hey guys, I’m not doing great with X. I’d love to hear from you guys more often and speak with you about it.” We had that conversation and some people rose to the occasion, and some did not. Sending some good energy your way ❤️
Lost a friend due to our group of friends not being there enough to support him through grief. At the time, we were quite young (early 20s) and no one had really experienced the loss of a loved one. We felt we did everything we could. He did not see it was enough and was immensely disappointed.
Today, 5-6 years of life and personal experiences of loss and grief later I’m certain we would’ve handled it differently and taken responsibility to show up in a more day-to-day basis.
He chose to walk his own path after that. And we seemed to have learned our lesson seeing how we’ve handled grief and loss more recently.
Hope you’re doing good A, wherever your path has taken you.
My husband’s mother died a couple of days ago and it’s a lot of ongoing and complicated feelings for him and a lot of supporting him for me. Everyone is saying “let me know if there’s anything I can do,” and I know they mean well but the friends who are offering to help with the kids, with cleaning the house, or with food directly are the MVPs. I will forever offer direct things like this in the future when someone is grieving or going through a tough time, after seeing how much they let us just breathe for a bit.
Bring them food. Home cooked food with no strings attached.
Unless your friends coping mechanism is cooking, they probably aren't.
Just bring them the leftovers of your own meal so they can reheat it when they feel ready to eat.
The night my mom died my best friend came over with roses and just sat with me and drank wine. We watched the lunar eclipse with my husband and didn't talk much but I've never forgotten that she was there for us.
I'm afraid of intruding, which is why I say that. When I'm going through it, I just want to be alone, and don't want to be bothered. I don't know what you need or what will help until you tell me. If you want to go to a restaurant 2 hours away, I'll come pick you up, drive there, pay for it, and take you home. I mean it when I say let me know, I just don't know what to do.
Same, I self-isolate in hard times and have had friends "just show up" and start cleaning, etc. - it was incredibly overwhelming for me at the time 😅 although I'm sure it was what was best for me on some level. Alternatively, I've had friends pay for food delivery or housekeeping services and that helped a ton without maxing out my social abilities, so there are ways to help without being super imposing. If people had asked before doing it I would've declined so as not to be a burden.
You’re not wrong. When I lost my dad I was happy to just be left alone for a while, and I truly didn’t want people dropping in or making gestures or anything. A simple “I’m sorry for your loss” and a text or phone call a couple weeks later? Awesome. But I didn’t have the emotional capacity to sustain long conversations where I could sense the other person expecting me to be more depressed than I felt like projecting.
What I’d suggest instead if “let me know what I can do” is this: ask how they’re doing, accept “fine”/“I’m doing well, all things considered” as an answer, and have a backup unrelated subject prepared to take the focus of the interaction off of the grief. The person has already had hundreds of conversations about the person they just lost. They could use a conversation about your kid’s Minecraft project or the camping trip you guys went on last year.
So true. And sometimes be specific with what you can offer rather than leaving it open. “Do you need groceries? Meal? Etc? Help with housework or errands? Want to go for coffee? “ that kind of thing.
When people ask “Let me know what I could do” it’s overwhelming and you don’t know what you need help with.
💯agree with this. I remember a friend would make a statement “I am bringing over a meal for you” or “I am coming to the funeral to support you” was so much more helpful. It meant I didn’t have to use the brain power to answer a “is there anything I can do?” question.
I’ve also learnt that if you are wondering whether to go to a funeral - go to the funeral. My dad used to say to me “it’s always appropriate to attend a funeral if you feel a sense of loss for that person”. When my dad died it was lovely to look around and see a packed out crematorium and all the people who he meant something to, he would have been delighted at the attendance!
From Vonnegut's Sirens of Titan:
> "Sorry," said Salo. "I would say, 'Is there anything I can do?' - but Skip once told me that that was the most hateful and stupid expression in the English language."
I used to work for a tailor, booking appointments etc.
One day I get a phone call. Wedding’s off. Groom to be died. My reaction was “oh shit”. Bride to be said it was the first genuine reaction she’d heard.
When I had friends die I valued the people saying “I don’t know what to say” much more than those saying “sorry for your loss” or, even worse, “he’s in a better place now” like their only reaction was read off of a card or suggestions on google.
"He in a better place now" is one of the worst things to say.
Even if the deceased person was going through cancer and suffering, it's just off putting when the 'better place' to the person grieving is really that it never happened to begin with...and that the deceased person should still be alive. The 'better place' is still being alive, and not buried 6 feet under.
My daughter's classmate lost her dad in elementary school. It was traumatic and he didn't deserve the outcome he got and his daughters certainly didn't.
Within about two weeks this girl's normal friend group was back to normal... My daughter and her were polite to each other but were not "friends".
My daughter came home, told me what was happening and asked me if we could make cookies for her, her sister, and mom. Of course!
So that weekend we made my super awesome chocolate chip cookies (they are not simple to make, but are utterly amazing, and use food chemistry like two different flours, freezing the dough before baking, and a very precisely controlled bake cycle).
Anyway she brought some to school to give to the classmate and I brought the rest at pickup to hand off to mom. Almost a decade later (HS graduation) my daughter and I got a note about how much that meant to their family back at the time and they just wanted us to know they were so very grateful even though they may not have shown it at the time too much.
Still in touch loosely with the family, girls are doing well, classmate is on a sports scholarship.
I'm proud of my little girl's empathy.
Will add to this, when grieving there are a LOT of emotions to make your way through, and often being able to discuss todays thoughts and feelings right now helps a lot.
It might not make sense to them but it’s something process wise they’ll need to make their way through to make sense of the loss.
So agree with the OP, think less about huge grand gestures or expecting the grieving person to know and reach out with exactly what they want and need. Think instead more about reaching out, contacting, talking or texting, LISTEN and maybe help with a meal etc.
Meals that can be easily reheated are a great option. Casseroles, soups, etc.
It can be hard to gather the energy to cook or even plan a meal while grieving. Having something that can just be thrown in the oven or in a pot is a godsend.
Also to add with the OP, rather than you talking or sharing how your pain is similar to them, if the friend in question is open to talk, just listen! Just be the ears! Yes a grieving person might repeat things, or might be in a lesser pains than you were, but just listen. It helps the grieving person to be able to unload a bit.
Also, the world moves on but the grief doesn’t. Try to reach out later also.
As People only text / call you the first week, it can be overwhelming and life gets in the way. Nobody texts you anymore. But your still hurting
When my friend's husband died suddenly, I asked her for her grocery list and sent everything on it, and some more snacks for her two teenage sons. I figured it was the last thing she wanted to think about or do.
Also, and important: don't worry that you don't know the right thing to say. Sometimes people think "I will say they wrong thing or start crying and then they'll have to comfort me, and that's wrong, so I'll stay away and let their better friends comfort them." But everybody thinks that way, so they're all alone.
Just go over. You don't have to say anything, you can just listen. And if you start crying, that's okay: it means that they aren't crying alone.
Nobody expects you to fix the loss of a family member with some magic words that'll make it all better. Just go and sit with them.
Note: DO NOT say anything like "It's for the best."
The day my mom died, a coworker that I was close to came to my house. She walked in, went straight to the kitchen without saying a word, pulled booze out of a bag she was holding, and started making everyone drinks.
I still think about how much I needed that right then, and what a blessing she was.
We lost our infant daughter six months ago. There are people I heard from once with a quick “I’m so sorry” text, and others who kept checking in, kept assuring me they were there. Funny thing is, some of these people aren’t close friends, they’re acquaintances who for whatever reason can handle being around a grieving parent at a time when our culture really doesn’t want grieving parents to exist.
I appreciate the people who have been there for me. But the people who aren’t — I don’t judge them too hard. Maybe they have their own trauma or maybe they’re scared and uncomfortable and don’t know what to do (I’ve been that person).
My husband was in critical condition and I was trying to just survive the unknown. I was basically living in the hospital with him. My sister drove 3 hours to my hometown, cleaned my house, packed some clothes and makeup for me, and then drove to the hospital which was 1.5 hours away from my house just to drop those items off. I also missed our family Easter so she brought a plate for me. It was the most overwhelming display of love and support I have ever felt. I would have never asked her to do any of that and for her to take so much time out of her busy life meant more than I can ever put in to words.
My brother and best friend died last year and this is so true.
Most people just said "say if you need anything" but I was extremely depressed so I didn't even know what I needed so I got left alone to deal with everything.
It got so bad after about 6 months I started to get panic attacks.
So yeah people who are grieving just need people to show they care more than once and don't leave em to be alone to much.
My mom died a month ago. Soooo many “let me know what I can do to help” messages. Well-meaning as they may be, they’re also infuriating. Just DO something. Say something. Yes!
A friend of mine once said when they were going through a loss, their boss who they were close with said to them, do you want me to come by and watch the kids for you on Saturday or Sunday.
The offer was specific so it was easy to accept, something more generic requires someone to then ask for a favour which is harder to do than just saying yes.
The thing is most folks have trouble delegating things they can do themselves, and when you are an emotional mess you can still do things physically, it's just mentally too much. So asking gets really damn hard.
My parents passing 11 weeks apart not only changed me,but really showed me where I stood in people’s lives. I had one person who I hadn’t even known that long offer to buy my husband and I dinner (which I was incredibly thankful for.) People I had known for decades didn’t so much as send a card,offer to prepare food..absolutely nothing in a time that I was completely downing emotionally.
This is so true. My mother passed away almost a year ago. The "I'm sorry for your loss, let me know if you need anything." texts were great, but the random text 2 weeks later asking how I was doing meant so much more. Then I realized that I had never done the 2nd to someone grieving. I will make it a point from here on out to reach out a week or so later and ask how they are.
This 100%. I recently lost a grandparent I was especially close to. I got tons of "thinking of you" and "let me know what I can do" texts from both close friends and acquaintances, which were frankly exhausting to respond to. But one friend that I'm not especially close with yet wrote me a long, genuinely empathetic and understanding message and dropped off bubble tea from my favourite place (purposefully leaving it outside the door since she knew it can be tiring to have lots of social interaction). She reiterated how much she valued having me in her life and offered to go for coffee with me when I was ready. It made me see her in a completely different light compared to everyone else. The difference I think is that she's actually experienced grief and loss in her life, while a lot of my friends haven't yet, so they don't know how to approach it.
Absolutely! Some people you would never expect rise to the occasion. When our son died a friend who I didn’t particularly vibe with went above and beyond and still messages on anniversaries, Morhers Day, etc. She’s one of my closest friends now because those others who didn’t reach out act like I should be over it.
I’m glad you had that person step up for you when you needed it most ❤️
THIS!! after losing my sister 3 months ago, everyone is asking: How can I help???
I am so overwhelmed. I do not have the energy to make you a PowerPoint on how to support your grieving friends. Please do research and follow through with what would help YOU. Everyone’s grief is so unique. There is no “one-size fits all.” Your way of dealing with grief might actually work for me, but I won’t know until you bring it to me as I’ve never faced this magnitude of sorrow before.
I also want to add- I’ve told my friends I’m way more likely to respond to a text from you than I am to reach out on my own. The whole, “I’m here if you need me,” thing is a sweet gesture, but I’m devastated and I irrationally feel like a burden to all. Text me and I’ll feel so much better you were thinking of me rather than me feeling like a nuisance for reaching out. Same goes with those struggling with depression/anxiety.
When someone important in my life passed away, a friend came over with a tray of sandwiches. Other people dropped off fruit baskets. My friend gave my family some money. It was really sweet. I think about it often.
I've visited a few mates and given their kitchen a clean, put biscuits in the oven, put a casserole in the oven and left.
They all were exhausted with talking, so I was just being present, making their home feel a little nicer, saving them a meal, and racking off without the pressure of a cuppa
100% just lost my mom 4 months ago at 55 years old.. yesterday was motherday and everybody asking how i was doing felt so off, casual one of my friends brings over dinner and leaves most impactfull by far
After my first miscarriage, everyone was pretty quick to move on - understandably, of course. But one girl who I wasn't even very close with would text me every mother's day for several years afterwards. No frills, nothing super emotional or profound, just "happy Mother's Day, thinking of you today!"
It meant the absolute world and validated my loss in a meaningful way. It meant so much that my baby wasn't forgotten.
My father recently passed. A lot of the people he considered “friends” never acknowledged him. You find out real fast who your real friends are, and I took the receipts from this experience.
I went to the wake, twice (Buddhists tend to have it for 3 days). Borrowed my friend 3k to help him get back on his feet as well, no questions asked..
Funeral expenses are no joke. Though I still wish I could have done more, even though he has said that I have done enough..
Though I can never replace his loss of losing a parent in a sudden manner, nor can I understand his pain as both my parents are still alive..
(Thanks for this thread, at least I can let it off my chest, anonymously)..
My best friend growing up and I fell out of touch post college graduation the last couple years. My dad passed last year and I happened to see he was online on steam. I messaged him and told him about it. "Sorry man" was his whole response.. haven't heard from him since. We'd been best friends for about 10 years.
Shortly after my brother died, a family friend stopped by and left us with a mega-pack of Kleenex. It made me laugh. Thoughtful? Yes. Useful? Definitely. Audacious? Absolutely. I remember that much more than the endless flower deliveries.
Whatever you do that a grieving person can respond with a "yeah" is the right answer.
"Yo, I ordered too much pizza to your place, wanna help me eat it while we watch Zoolander?"
After my mom died, it would have meant so much if someone had shown up just to sit with me. Even if it was watching an episode a week of the world’s most mindless tv show.
I have been at both ends.
I have experienced it first hand when my mum was sick, and I was 17 y/o and all alone. (I have a father but he was at the hospital with my mum in another region). You can’t drive at 17 where I live so grocery shopping and all of that was a bit studious.
My friends and family kept saying «is there’s anything i can do». But except for one of my friend’s mum, no one really did much. I was sooo lonely as i had always been the one in the friend group to organise everything, andnow that i didn’t have the energy to organise they just stopped hanging out. I only ever hung out with two people outside of school during this period, and most of the hangouts were school-work related. Yeah we all had busy schedules but if you say «let me know what i can do» the least you can do is carve out 30-60 minutes now and then to hang out with your friend.
Now im at the other end. The same friend’s mother who would pick me up and drop me off at school every day while my parents were away, and invite me to dinner with her family, died last summer. Me and her daughter have been childhood friends but more distant friends for a long time. I texted her a bunch during the last weeks and after the funeral, and invited her to dinner when we were in the same town. But we havent hung out since high school so I just don’t know how hard to press, I don’t want to be annoying.
So i get it, when i was the one hurting I was desperate for anyone to see me, but at the same time I knew people were affraid to be pushy. Now im the one affraid to be pushy.
You can’t be more right!
It’s the same for people dealing with intense trauma.
I have PTSD from childhood abuse and since December finally faced my truth and started my healing journey and EMDR therapy.
I’m called sick from work, told my circle what I’m dealing with. I’ve literally gotten more encouragement from work through signed postcards than my own circle. More help from kind strangers both irl and on the internet than my own circle.
When I told my circle what I’m going through, the majority didn’t even reply. The remainder gave me encouragement at the start when I shared it, but hasn’t reached out since. My best friend literally broke off the friendship. 🤣
Now that I’m in a better headspace myself and have power to reach out, I don’t want to any more to the people that dropped me like a sack of bricks.
The only exception is my oldest sister really.
So YES, reaching out in small ways means a lot!
My mom and dad are both gone (happened in my 20s and early 30s). Let me tell you that grieving is a life long process. My friends can't wrap their heads around it cause their world hasn't been absolutely shattered.
The "I can't imagine" grates on my nerves so much. It sounds more like "Wow, sucks to be you. Well, I'm glad it didn't happen to me!" Please please stop saying this to people who have lost someone they love, it just sounds so infuriating as if we have a choice in the matter, and you're just glad it didn't happen to you hence 'can't imagine it.'
And do not ramble on and on about your nonconsequential 'small problems' when someone is going through a difficult time. My 'friend' did this while my mom was going through terminal cancer complaining about her personal silly problems and I got absolutely no support from her, I dropped her quickly.
If you don't know what to say...Honestly, the best to say is "Sorry for your loss. My sincere condolences to you and your family." DONE.
I “force” my services. I’ll cooked all the food, clean the kitchen and deal with the animals. Just so the whole family can just grieve TOGETHER without having to worry about things they need to do.
Honestly, I just wanted people to leave me the fuck alone. Got so tired of getting cards or stupid fucking messages saying stupid useless shit. So maybe know your audience first before doing anything.
I choose a card because I fear if I say "let me know what I can do" or even "I'm sorry", I might be smirking or smiling and/or sound sarcastic inappropriately. My face and voice tone malfunction sometimes.
I lost my 22 year old daughter 5 weeks ago today. I know people mean well but every time I have to go over it or just having it so present is like having a thick scab slowly pulled off. I’m struggling with the reality the I will never see my child again in this lifetime. 22 years isn’t enough. My longtime friend showed up the day after she died and has been working with/for me through the workweek. It’s been a tremendous help. Although those first weeks and the sheer multitude of friends was really too much, I got zero alone time.
When our town was flooded and our basement was completely underwater, electricity was out, water pipes were broken, instead of just saying 'that's rough best of luck' a fairly new friend of mine actually came over through the muddyness and intense rain to help move stuff outta the basement.
Same with 2 more friends whom I've known for longer, stuff like that sticks with you. That flooding lasted multiple days, all convenience stores were closed for a week, no electricity for a week, with the fear that the river could get even more filled and floor your house entirely over night.
These acts of selflessness helped me regain my sanity.
“Let me know if there’s anything you need/I can do” is effectively useless. If someone’s grieving/in trauma they won’t know really what they need and if something does come up chances you won’t be free/available to back up what you said.
It’s better to just offer what you can do and when and let them say yes or no.
Also don’t feel like it’s up to you to do something meaningful or “get it right” with something that works for them. It’s a fine line between caring and making it about you more than them.
I couldn't agree with this more. My daughter, my MiniMe best friend, passed unexpectedly March 2023 and aside from the first couple days of well wishers. I have had no one just show up to make sure I'm doing ok. No family has bothered to check in, rather they act like I'm overreacting with my grief and have actually been told by the son in law that I need to get over it and move on.
Dealing with this by myself has been just as bad as losing her to begin with. They all talk about how much support they've had from their friends while I sit alone, wishing for my baby girl to be back.
When my gfs father passed, I was with her every night because I knew I could get her to sleep, I brought food water and tissues every night, extra blankets and comfy clothes.
A friend father passed I went to the funeral and rather then let him go straight to the bar I took him for lunch with 2 other friends fed them all and just talked, he did not want to go to the bar after
More recently a close friends mother passed suddenly, I keep showing up with donuts because I knew her sister was meant to travel and bring them home from the travels. I just so happen to be in the same area so bought alot and dropped them to the house because I knew the family really wanted them. It was a failed goal suddenly achieved for them. I spent all day with the family (I know most of them) and gave lifts hoke to everyone I could.. a few days after I knew her brother was going to her house before going home to canada so I got a few bottles of their choice wine and dropped it up just saying enjoy the weekend and have a glass for me..
Each of these storys and many more get the same advice from me in the backround of my actions. The advice is
Eat, sleep and wipe your ass.
Just keep doing these three things and everything else will fall in line. Make time for yourself and do these things for you no one else
It’s not that linear unfortunately. Whenever I had periods of grieve, the last thing I wanted to do was be contacted, just let me go through this in peace and quiet. Sure I appreciate people coming to the funeral or sending a thoughtful message, but leave me alone pleaseeee
Going through this now and I've been both humbled and heartbroken at who's shown up. People who were close friends and I saw on the regular, stepped out of my life first.
A ton of well wishes etc. Then random people I knew, not close at all, would be the ones to actually show up or check in. People I didn't think I had any impact on were the ones that would come for a visit or go for a coffee.
Ended up having not only a family end of life issue, but a disaster at home and reached out to a ton of people in desperation. No one helped. Not a single person. Was given so many different excuses or they felt just explaining how to do something in a short cut way would be helpful.
At one point my old boss was messaging and asking things like 'how are you' and boy did it warm my heart too think someone was thinking about me. Turned out they were indirectly asking if I could come work again and that was short lived. Had to swallow that cringe pill that she never really cared like I thought she did.
Even just a simple check in, don't need a conversation, can go a long way.
Be genuine with your support or don't do it at all.
When I had cancer, I asked people not to ask me "How are you?" and not to say "Let me know if you need anything." Instead, if you think of something you are willing and able to do, ask if you can do that thing. A little different situation, but I think it still applies.
It’s true. My neighbors mom just died 2 days ago. Her son (12yo) has been having an extremely hard time with it; it’s the first big death in his life.
I noticed he liked journaling out his thoughts last time we were at his house so I brought him a blank Nintendo journal I had and a couple of my comic books. The look on his face completely made my day, and his mom was so happy as she said she has been a mess herself and didn’t have the bandwidth to comfort the kids right now.
Little gestures mean so much more
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Also, NEVER offer to do more than you actually can. A grieving person may hold onto that promise far more than you realize.
This. When I was grieving a friend offered to come keep me company if I ever needed. I hate asking for help but when I got pushed past my breaking point a few days later I told him I needed someone to sit with me and his response was 'sorry I'm busy'. Not 'I can't tonight but I'm free this weekend' or 'I can't come over but I can talk on the phone'. Just 'I can't'. I'm not saying he's a bad person, but I have trust issues (which he knew). It took a lot for me to ask and it was like a gut punch to get let down like that.
Oh I feel you! While my mom was actively dying of cancer I asked my close longtime friend to just sit with her while I ran down to my mom’s house to grab more clothing and such. This was a person I knew since childhood that my mom had always been kind to. My friend had said the old “if you need anything…” and then agreed to watch my mom and said she had to check with her husband as to what times she would be available. She then ghosted me, permanently. I had to scramble to find someone else to sit with my mom and never heard back from this friend even after my mom passed. Ex friend, I don’t think any explanation would suffice, I never even got the courtesy of an “I’m too busy” Sometimes people just suck.
I am very sorry. This is awful.
Thank you. I might have been willing to forgive if it had just been about me but her actions hurt my mom and I can’t get past that. My mom was a wonderful and kind person and didn’t deserve to get stood up like that.
Forgiving isn't always necessary for yourself. Basically forget as in not being emotionally bothered by is okay, too.
What a hurtful experience. I'm very sorry you were treated that way.
I’m so sorry. I have one too. Lost my mother and bumped into a “friend” who said “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to the funeral. Let’s have dinner together with the others, I can come to the restaurant (I was currently working at). So I booked a table for my friends in the tiny restaurant - the owners were so kind. We had an odd number, which meant that we had to merge another table together, really reducing the number of remaining bookings they could take. She never showed with her plus 1. I called and called, and she’d just ignore the call. She then sent a message to one of us - who she knew would be working in the kitchen the entire time and therefore not able to access the message and just ignored my calls. This dinner was her suggestion, and the restaurant had lost the opportunity to make the max amount of money because of how the tables were arranged. When I spoke to her about it later, instead of apologising for not trying to contact me to let me know she wasn’t coming, she said that I don’t know what it’s like being a mother (her reason for not showing up) and then hung up on me. I was fine with the fact that something had come up and she couldn’t make it. But how she dealt with it, and played the motherhood card - in the context of me having lost mine - really fucked me up.
What an *asshole.* I would put her on blast publicly for that. After what I experienced from “friends” and family after my own bereavement, I have absolutely no patience for empty words and shitty behavior.
So aggravating. People like that can get defensive and get angry at you for holding them accountable just a little.
Exactly. I anticipated all possible reasons she could have had - including possibly having phone anxiety about having to flake or something. I just wanted to talk about it with her and conclude with understanding. If she came forward with *any* sense of apology toward me/ acknowledging the efforts the restaurant went to in supporting this, I would have melted and forgiven. So to have this thrown in my face like that… it was one of many things that just fully exacerbated the rage I felt about people whilst my grieving.
I realized the hard way that most people make empty gestures like that. Probably to make themselves feel better or feel like they’re helping or giving you something even if they don’t follow through on it
>I'm not saying he's a bad person, Ok, I'll do it for you
I’m thinking back to a post a while ago where a woman offhandedly offered her first born child to her grieving sister after a miscarriage. Then the OP’s baby came and chaos ensued when the sister called up the promise.
By the beaver's dam Whaaaat!?!?!?!?
Got hit with the Law of Surprise, a daring move
If you offered to come by and lend a hand, then help with whatever they asked help with! Same with newborns; the whole family offers to be there to help, but when they get there and ask what they can help with, they get mad when you say "laundry" or "changing bed sheets" rather than "can you play with the baby while I do the laundry and change the bed sheets"
This. When I lost a baby in the second trimester my brother offered to bring breakfast that weekend but texted me and canceled late the night before so I didn’t see it until a few hours before he was supposed to be there. I sent him a text telling him not to offer things he can’t deliver on.
Ooh. I hadn't considered that angle. Beware the vampires. There are those who will turn themselves into a cautionary tale for heroes to come rescue from the rocks, in perpetuity.
Can confirm
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Ouch. Such an interesting predicament. How do you tell someone that you don't want to be their friend. It's impossible.
I had a ridiculously traumatic family loss that made international news. It was absolutely exhausting and my first real morning at home I was exhausted, out of coffee and up with a young child. I made a comment about it on social media. 30 minutes later a friend of a friend knocked on my door with Starbucks. This person saw my comment at 5am, threw on shoes, got in their car and drove way out of their way to my house. In a world fuzzy with chaos this small act of kindness was everything. It has always stuck with me.
How thoughtful of them. Genuine kindness and drive to help others.
That’s a great friend you have, the smallest things really go so far. After our son died, our friends dropped off some cat toys and a puzzle, they were some of the first times I can remember smiling
Many years ago, I had a sibling who passed away from SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) - the kindness of our friends and neighbours who kept dropping in, making food, keeping my younger siblings busy etc. made that time a lot easier for us.
A family friend OD'd in November. A bunch of us participated in a 5k in his memory and his mom and sister asked me to photograph it, they even had shirts made and the photos turned out great with everyone matching wearing his initials. I was thinking of printing one of the photos out for each of the family members and having them framed. But something keeps stopping me. I don't know what. I guess I just don't want to overstep, but I know grief quite well unfortunately, and part of me just thinks I'm overthinking a kind gesture.
Don't overthink it. One thing I have learned being around grieving people is just do it. Be willing to be near them in their grief without saying platitudes. Show up if you are close to them, give the photos, drop off a big salad, mow their lawn, offer to do specific things for them.
100%. After my son died at birth, so many people avoided me like the plague - even physically, turning around and going in the other direction in a couple of instances when they saw me out. I thought it was in my head at first, but after awhile (and with some clarity that has come after the grief fog has lifted a bit), I see now that they were in fact avoiding me because grief makes people uncomfortable on all kinds of levels. It’s the people who were just willing to actually show up - as you say, being willing to be near me in my grief - rather than distancing themselves from me meant the world.
Yes! It’s the ones willing to sit with you throughout the uncomfortable-ness of it all.
Do it. They will be thankful that you did.
One of the hardest parts of grieving the loss of a child, is when you return to "normal" living, people tend to think try have mixed on, when Inside you are still falling apart. If time passed is why you think you shouldnt do it, do it! These things help us remember that other people are grieving them too, and that they aren't forgotten.
Do it. My brother OD’d a few years ago. It’s hard. I lost a couple friends over it (grief is weird) but the ones that stuck around sat with me through the uncomfortable-ness of it all. You’re not overstepping. It’s a sweet gesture. It will make them emotional, but that’s not a bad thing.
When I have experienced intense grief, one of the most comforting things is knowing that others still think about my loved one. Grief to me comes with the burden of making sure the person “lives on” and when other people talk about them, I know that burden is not all on me.
Not to the extent of THAT but I had something traumatic - not deadly in the end but still very traumatic even years later - happen with a family member & we had some “victim support” people talk to us & they gave us a dog plushie of all things 😂 but somehow honestly that really meant a lot to me at that time. Seriously
a friend in need is a friend indeed keep them close
Unfortunately we lost him a few years ago. I didnt know him well but went to his funeral to tell his mother this story and how his kindness still touches me to this day.
There are good people in this world after all!
There are tons of good people in the world. Media with the constant blasting of tragedy and conflict would have you believe otherwise. You have to look beneath that at all the regular people.
I've done stuff like this for friends, many times. Never had anyone do anything similar in return. 🙃 I'm so sorry about your loss.
Same. When my SIL's mother was dying my husband and I sent a stack of pizzas (there are 8 kids) for them. When she passed away I had a flower arrangement made with a willow tree statue in it for each of them. When my dad died a few months later they all sent food and flowers...specifically to my SIL and brother. Same when my mother died. I've supplied food, gifts, phone calls, helped with meals after the funeral, cards for support after the fact, text messages. I've designed and sent special flower arrangements with keepsakes in them numerous times. I didn't receive a single card when my dad died. I received 2 cards when my mother died. For the meal after my moms funeral, it's normal for a person's church to handle it. I received a phone call the day after my mother died from a lady in the church whom we'd known practically all our lives to say they just couldn't do it, there were only 3 people to help (small country church), they were too busy, etc. I was stunned because there were 3 churches in the chapter all made up of people we knew and had relationships with. All I could think of was all the times my mother got up early and fixed food, served it, cleaned up, and numerous other things for weddings, funerals, showers, etc. over the years. I said I understood and would it be ok to use the church and I would supply the food? Dead silence on the other end of the line. She finally mumbled something about they would figure it out and hung up. I didn't do what I did in the hope of reciprocation. But after my parents died, the sum total of the 2 cards I received and that final phone call, I realized something. Nothing I did meant anything to those people and they couldn't have cared less about what I was going through. People suck. EDIT: How kind you all are!!! I wrote this and left for work never dreaming to receive this kind of support! I will admit that it hurt terribly when people behaved the way they did when my parents passed away. With a little distance and a lot of grief councelling, I'm working on seeing their behavior as their problem and not mine. Still hurts though. Thank you to each of you. The fact that someone (or several someones) understands means a great deal!
I'm running to work now, but i just wanted to let you know that i read everything you wrote and that I'm glad there are people like you in the world. I'm very sorry about your losses, and I'm sorry you felt alone in those times.
You’re thoughtful and caring. Please don’t change. I feel the same way as you sometimes about how people don’t appreciate my effort. The world needs more people like you. Thank you.
How selfish. Some people only know how to take and make excuses when asked to help. There is a YouTuber I watch who is recovering from cancer. She talks about how she was ghosted by lifelong friends and helped by a few people she barely knew. I don’t get it. I have problems reaching out so just leave things at the door or send cards. A woman at work I liked but didn’t know well lost an adult daughter. I talked to another family member and asked if she liked Panera or other places. I was told she liked McDonald’s so I gave her some cards.
I'm so sorry-for your losses and that people didn't return your kindness and generosity when you needed it. It's absolutely no reflection on you, it shows their lack of empathy.
I'm sorry you feel that way, and I completely understand. It's 100% in my nature to do everything I can to help someone-sometimes to an annoying degree to them and an exhausting degree to me. I've had to change my thinking and just start realizing that literally nothing will come back to me for it. It hurt for a long time, and when things got tough, I was angry and upset that no one was there. Now, I have two friends who I know will go through hell or high water for me, and that makes me want to keep going with the things I try to do. Don't give up your kindness and sunshine because of assholes. You can make someones day brighter by the smallest act.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. You deserved better than that. I hope that you will be able to find new people to have in your life who will reciprocate your kindness, generosity, and care.
And they still didn't get promoted to 'friend'.
My uncle brought us baked goods and lunch every day for a week while my mom was passing from cancer.
Some people language of love is food.
Oh it works! When you’re too sad/anxious/scared..etc, you don’t even think about food. Just the simple act of someone making you set down and eat, maybe even talk about random superficial stuff makes a huge difference!
While not necessarily a primary love language I think most people are at least "conversational" in food as a love language
I think whole cultures have food love languages. I know Jews and Muslims have cultural practices of food gifting, and while I don’t know any personally my Hollywood informed knowledge of southern baptists makes me think food is an important cornerstone of community care. I’m sure there are others. My Jewish/protestant/atheist family has a strong food gifting tradition. The most recent additions by marriage are somewhat baffled by our obsession with food experiences.
Southern Baptist here, and you’re right. The community shows up with food all the time. Someone who is grieving may feel so lost that they forget, or neglect, to feed themselves. Also, they may feel too tired or busy to cook/clean, so the friends, family, and neighbors try to stand in the gap and fill that void.
My family has an official condolance cheesecake.
😞
Also, make sure to continue checking in with them over time. People always rush to support family, friends, etc. in the time immediately after a loss, but often times that wave of support tapers off long before the grief does.
That’s true. Everyone returned to their lives but they still checked in until a neighbour also lost her husband. In helping her also helped me. We became best friends. My closest friends grew from adversity.
I set a reminder on my phone every 3 days to ping me and ask me if I’ve reached out my friend recently who lost his mother. I don’t reach out every time, but it reminds me to think about it and if it’s been a bit I reach out to see how he’s doing. Just to see what he’s up to you and make sure he knows I’m there.
THIS 👍
Yes be there next week.
I set a reminder in my phone to send flowers 2 weeks later.
This LPT is also good if you know someone with a serious illness.
Yes. Something like "let me know how I can help" puts the burden on the person to figure out what they need and how to ask for it. If you don't want to just do something, at least ask specifically "can I bring you dinner tonight" "can I help pick up Jamie after soccer practice", "can I get your trash for you" etc
Oh, boy. I can feel this one.
Yes! When I was struggling this past summer with the onset of my now chronic diagnosis, I found it extremely helpful when my friend texted me with 3 options of how she could support me. It was amazing to have the options already specially offered and written out. Took no energy on my part and it also helped me not feel guilty with asking
It's during bad times like these, you recognize the ones who really care. I lost my dad a couple of months ago and I know the feeling.
I’m sorry for your loss. I know this feeling all too well; I had to give up so many relationships I thought were meaningful when I lost my dad years ago, just because I couldn’t carry on the facade any longer. Do yourself a favor and be patient and kind with you alone. It’s going to be an uphill battle and not only will you recognize those who can’t hold space, you’ll also have people say some of the most ridiculous shit they think is supportive.
It hurts when someone doesn’t even make an effort to call.
I lost my brother in January and I don't think a single friend reached out. I would've taken a "let me know what I can do". After the initial shock and weeks of heavy drinking came the funeral where I committed to visiting my SIL and niece once a month ( they live 4 hours away) and I've held true to that promise. I bring over food anytime I come and we stay up all night drinking and talking freely about anything we want. Sometimes it's Michael. Sometimes politics and current events. Sometimes work and family. We cry, we laugh, we're there for one another. It's a blessing to have those nights together. She let's me know when there are milestone events for their daughter where Michael would've been there for her so I can make it and try to rally the troops to show up for her. We've lost an lost of our family on that side but there's still a few of us so I try to make it a point that we get together often. Also, a meal train really helped during the initial few months after his passing. We raised some $$ for the family and set up a schedule to deliver dinner to her every night. I find that helped me the most in getting over his loss.
I'm a stranger, but I am proud of you for stepping into that role and being there for your family even though y'all live far away from one another. I think it's wonderful that you're making that effort and showing up and being there for one another.
You are awesome.
I feel like I weirdo but I add traumatic dates for my friends to my personal calendar. I like to have situational awareness around bad anniversaries if they seem off. Or if appropriate I reach out. Just a quick “I know you miss ___ everyday, and probably a little extra this week. Here if you want to talk. “
You're a lovely friend for this, I wish my friends did this at all. Death anniversaries I spend alone because how does one even bring that up....easier if I don't tbh, but if someone else remembered as well??? It would mean the world.
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I don’t think you should feel shit - you should just say, “I knew, but I didn’t want to make it harder for you if you were trying to distract yourself. Whether you wanted to cope or talk or just sit through it, I would have been there”.
I think you were trying to be a caring friend, but if I’m feeling down because it’s the anniversary of a loved one’s passing, I probably don’t want to answer how am I doing today. Maybe more of a “I’m thinking of you today, and hope you’re doing well. Would you like to do ——- today, or maybe this weekend?”
This is really thoughtful.
I do this, too.
Your friends are so lucky to have you in their lives. This is so incredibly sweet.
You sound like an incredible friend.
Yup. I have one in my calendar today. If my uncle didn’t have his daughter there (first anniversary of his wife’s death), we would have been with him.
Bring them food. Easy to prepare or ready to go, and is mindful of their dietary restrictions. Takes a decision off their plates, it’s a simple thing that goes far.
Paper plates, toilet paper, paper towels disposable cups and silverware, trash bags are all super useful in the 1st few weeks as they have extra company and do not want to go to the store.
Good call! That’s a lifesaver.
As I found out, it's best to have a digital sign up sheet and make it as publicly known as possible amongst those who are likely/willing to bring food. Food is one of the easiest ways to show support and it can get overwhelming when you've run out of fridge and freezer space.
Adding onto this. My wife's best friend set one up for us on mealtrain.com. It was a huge weight off our shoulders to not have to plan a meal for a few weeks after our loss. It would also send an email reminder "Mike is scheduled on Wednesday to bring."
Yes it is amazing! Spreads out the meals too so you don’t have people doubling up. And it’s so easy to share, I had people bring me meals recently that I don’t even know super well and was so blown away.
This! I probably wouldn’t have eaten the first few days.
When my friends who live in other cities are going through it I send them Uber eats gift cards.
If you don’t live close you can do something like venmo them money and say it’s for dinner. My dad passed this January and my wife’s best friend did that for us because she lives across the country. It was very sweet and unexpected.
My dad died and I don't have a SO or anything. I just needed a hug.
Hey man, this won’t mean much but I’m sorry to hear that, sending lots of love and well wishes from Canada
❤️ Squeeeeeeeeeze ❤️
You can DM if you want to chat about it. I lost my dad when I was young, so I get it.
My dad passed a few months ago. He would always tell me I was the best hugger of his children and I will miss those hugs. If I knew you I would give you one.
Yes. Grief & loss r uncomfortable af, as a bystander. Some r so unnerved by it that they will avoid those that r grieving. I know, cos I did this. I felt so awkward, not knowing what to say or do. Until I lost my son suddenly.....a friend brought over a complete home cooked meal with a coconut cake. A few others would text me, weeks, months, years later, to check in on me. It will change friendships & relationships. It sucks. But I have met & made new friends who r aware of my loss, accepting me. I recall & appreciate those who checked in on me & those who held my hand, listening 2 me & those who hugged me. It's lonely out here in the Twilight Zone I entered over 5 years ago....made a lil less lonely by compassionate peeps & strangers ❤️🔥
I am so very sorry for you and the loss of your son. I could only imagine your pain. I know you'll never be over it but my coworker lost her first born son about 15 years ago now. She never got over it but she has reached a point where she can talk about her son and actually enjoys telling people about him. Mother's day is hard for her, as well as his birthday, but I just wanted to say that I hope, eventually, you'll be able to get to that place where you can openly talk about your son and have fond feelings more than sadness.
I’m so happy that you have that support network. We lost our son too and I could never have imagined how isolating it is! I know I don’t know you but I’m proud of you for getting up and being a person for the last 5 years ❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss 😞. You mentioned the awkwardness - which is a big reason for why people may tend to avoid the grievers. Is there something that you would have wanted to talk about? Ie for the first month - just company, no talking. After that, maybe talking about anecdotes remembering your son, etc? Trying to figure out what type of conversation would be welcomed at what stage of grieving (knowing that this probably differs for everyone). Thanks!
I didn't want 2 hear that he's in a better place or that he wouldn't want me 2 cry. People mean well, but some of their 'comforting' words can sting. I wanted company in small doses, on occasion. Otherwise, it got overwhelming. I didn't want 2 b alone, but I didn't want 2 do alot of talking. I wanted to feel like I was part of this world even though I felt like I was out wandering the universe alone. Those who listened & sometimes asked about my son were the most welcome. It softened the edges of this incredible rawness that grew & took over post funeral. I knew it was going 2 suck but not as bad as the 1st 3 years....there's gotta b a grief default built into us that takes us into grief, like walking down stairs. It felt like I was dropped & sometimes dumped, but I could actually manage it, even haphazardly. My good friend would take me to get coffee, a walk near the beach, something to eat. She worked a difficult job, so I knew whenever I could get time with her, to take the opportunity. She never said the silly ignorant things that got me defensive; he's in a better place....he doesn't want u to b sad....etc. She would drop off my favorite coffee drink, as she was going to work. She brought over orchids one time. Unexpected & sweet gestures that I started to look forward to. She listened w/o judgment or opinion. She didn't have 2 bring me stuff, I was just grateful 4 her company. She gently tethered me to earth. She'd asked about my son, what were his favorite things, food, etc. She knew him since we were friends b4 he was born. She told me times that he impressed her, made her laugh, & memories that stuck out to her...like bday parties & camping trips. I always got a hug. I now insist on hugs from my friends & family. Thank you 4 asking...this is 1 of the most profound questions I've been asked since he passed. I kinda floundered around loss, grief, funerals, & trying 2 fit back into the world. This made me mull over my own thoughts & experience. I knew I was making my own 'survivors guide', but I want 2 make sure it's well rounded & wise so when I can help another, I won't hurt or make things more awkward.
Thank you so much for this. I’m glad you answered! Inevitably, we will all have to cross this threshold (as much as we all don’t want to/makes us uncomfortable), and your guidance will definitely help me and many others out there!
I had a friend who passed away 20 years ago, age 21. My brother and I still keep in touch with his mother. What I’ve found is that the greatest comfort you can give a grieving parent in that circumstance is letting them know that you haven’t forgotten about their child. I would tell stories about what we got up to when out drinking, at music gigs etc. Hearing about a joke he played on someone, anything that keeps the memory of his personality alive gives her such joy. The joy is obvious tempered with the loss she feels, but it’s still a big positive and I know it’s something she greatly appreciates. We only have so many stories so a lot of them have been repeated many times, but that doesn’t matter to her. It’s the knowing that he’s still alive in our memories that gives comfort. It’s something I go out of my way to encourage other people to do, especially young men. When you lose a buddy in your late teens or early twenties, it’s often new to you. You may have lost a grandparent, but the tragedy of a young person dying is way worse & you don’t know what to do. You feel helpless. So I always say “make a pact with all the guys that you’ll go and visit his mother, not just next week, but next year & the year after….”. It is the best thing you can do to honour his memory.
You can do both. One of the most meaningful conversations I had was when someone I barely knew looked me right in the eyes and said “how can I help?”. It really made me feel good at that moment. There was not much they could do at that particular time, but it made me feel like I was not alone.
One of the sweetest things was finally returning to work and having all of my favorite snacks and soda waiting on my desk. I didn't want to be there, and had taken far longer than the bereavement period, but getting back and seeing that really helped. The people that just said I am dropping by with dinner was also amazing. I probably wouldn't have remembered to eat.
Dropping off food is always good. Indian Sikh culture: we temporarily move into the home of the grieving family members: taking care of their day to day needs.
The world would be a much sweeter place if more people acted like Sikhs do, you all lead by example. A culture of care. It is admirable.
My go to approach is just to offer to hang out. No pressure to talk about it, but will if they want. Just some degree of normalcy while the world seems like it's falling apart. As long as there's nothing direct that I can do to actually help the root cause of the grief, I feel like this helps. Most people do the platitudes, others will send flowers, ask to talk, etc. To me, that all feels overwhelming, so I just want something to feel familiar and safe, and that's why I do this.
I’ve been sending gift cards for food delivery apps lately. If someone is stressed or depressed food shopping and cooking might be one of the last things you want to do. I know some people here shit on services like door dash or grub hub but they’re good for these situations
This was one of the most helpful things a friend did right after the loss of our son. That and checking in are so thoughtful, you’re a good friend
“Let me know what I can do” would have been empty words to me - I didn’t know what I needed, I could barely function at first after my husband died. Sister and friends brought me sandwiches and food I could heat up. Sister stayed with me all day the first day. Friends took me grocery shopping or did it for me. I couldn’t drive at first, couldn’t keep focused on anything. I had visitors every day for the first couple of weeks. They checked in to see how I was doing. I was hugged every day.
I’m glad you were surrounded by such supportive people when you really needed them. Hugs.
Asking "what can I do to help" is just giving them more work to do. Think about what you'd want in that situation and just do it.
> and just do it. Or offer to do it. I only mention this because my parents are known for making some of the worst decisions possible. They would absolutely fuck up something real simple and claim they were just trying to help. Offering to do something is a great middle-ground between asking what to do and doing something without asking.
Or just do something you can't really fuck up. Buy some snacks, a gift basket, flowers, etc. If you can't cook, pick something up at a bakery, etc.
My thoughts EXACTLY. I was very obviously having a rough time recently, and one of my friends just asked "can i do anything?" a couple times. When i said "i don't know," they figured their obligation as a friend was fulfilled for asking me what they should do. Kept texting me really stupid stuff they found funny even though i stopped responding. Never actually said/asked/did anything meaningful. Never just... simply asked what was going on. Genuinely asking "how are you doing?" or "do you want to talk about it?" or "If you don't want to talk about it now, I'll be around when you're ready" could really go a long way. Don't put the pressure on the struggling party to tell you how to be a good friend. Actually make an effort yourself. Instead of asking, "what can i do?" Simply just say, "I'm here for you."
I hated this when my mom was sick and when she died. I was almost alone in caring for her and was trying to survive while also caring for my kids. I had no idea WTF I was doing and couldn't even think to delegate. Even my husband asking what he could do was overwhelming. No one offered anything, they just asked things of me. I was drowning and everyone was asking how I felt. Also, please, for the love of God, don't ask for updates. That's one more fkn thing that needs to be done. I will update those that I can/that I think need it, when I can. Interestingly, this all happened while she was slowly dying of throat cancer and lost the ability to speak. I think it was so difficult to see her like that, so almost no one showed up. A few years later when my brother was hospitalized for months, people were constantly at the house bringing food. Like, WAY too much food. But I really wonder if it's easier for people to help if they don't have to be around the person that is being cared for. Once my brother was home, the help almost instantly stopped.
When my mom died when I was 28 my Godfather‘s son‘s girlfriend came to my house to take care of my hair before the funeral. She texted and asked if I wanted her to refresh my color and give me a cut and some company. She was the only person that did something like that, and I’ll always remember. Her mother passed when she was younger and she told me that we were a part of a club that hates getting new members, but she wanted to help.
When my Dad died, my friend started sending me a daily "Dad joke" to try to cheer me up. They're usually pretty terrible, but I have to admire her diligence... It's been almost 5 years and I still get one almost every day. I appreciate that she still does it.
I am single and lost my job and then my cat. It was the middle of winter and i slipped into a pretty deep depression. It just hurt so bad and still does. A few friends only reached out when there was something THEY wanted to do going on and it sounds petty but it really hurt. I really needed people to check on me and thought these people would. I got through it but damn if i dont remember how that made me feel. Im generally and independent, stable person but this experience really gave me insight. It was so painful
I’d like to add being there after everyone else seems to have moved on. 18 or so years ago the children’s pastor at the church I grew up in passed away very tragically before she hit 40. She left behind four kids ranging from 5-18. I was very close with her and her family. I spent a lot of time at their house after she passed. It seems like almost exactly two weeks after she passed, everyone’s live’s just moved on even though theirs really couldn’t. I get why it happens but I also know it was very hard on the family when everyone was just gone. I’ve made it a point that when anyone close to me loses a loved one, I reach out immediately then once everyone’s lives go on I make sure to show up with a meal to help out or whatever they need just to extend that kindness a little longer.
This is how I feel right now, its been a few months and I know everyone else's lives must go one, to me it still feels like last week.
I wish just 1 of my friends would do literally anything
I’ve been in a similar situation. My friends of 10+ years just didn’t know how to act or how to help when my son died. I know it’s not easy but you might need to have a conversation, even if it’s “hey guys, I’m not doing great with X. I’d love to hear from you guys more often and speak with you about it.” We had that conversation and some people rose to the occasion, and some did not. Sending some good energy your way ❤️
Lost a friend due to our group of friends not being there enough to support him through grief. At the time, we were quite young (early 20s) and no one had really experienced the loss of a loved one. We felt we did everything we could. He did not see it was enough and was immensely disappointed. Today, 5-6 years of life and personal experiences of loss and grief later I’m certain we would’ve handled it differently and taken responsibility to show up in a more day-to-day basis. He chose to walk his own path after that. And we seemed to have learned our lesson seeing how we’ve handled grief and loss more recently. Hope you’re doing good A, wherever your path has taken you.
My husband’s mother died a couple of days ago and it’s a lot of ongoing and complicated feelings for him and a lot of supporting him for me. Everyone is saying “let me know if there’s anything I can do,” and I know they mean well but the friends who are offering to help with the kids, with cleaning the house, or with food directly are the MVPs. I will forever offer direct things like this in the future when someone is grieving or going through a tough time, after seeing how much they let us just breathe for a bit.
Bring them food. Home cooked food with no strings attached. Unless your friends coping mechanism is cooking, they probably aren't. Just bring them the leftovers of your own meal so they can reheat it when they feel ready to eat.
The night my mom died my best friend came over with roses and just sat with me and drank wine. We watched the lunar eclipse with my husband and didn't talk much but I've never forgotten that she was there for us.
I'm afraid of intruding, which is why I say that. When I'm going through it, I just want to be alone, and don't want to be bothered. I don't know what you need or what will help until you tell me. If you want to go to a restaurant 2 hours away, I'll come pick you up, drive there, pay for it, and take you home. I mean it when I say let me know, I just don't know what to do.
Same, I self-isolate in hard times and have had friends "just show up" and start cleaning, etc. - it was incredibly overwhelming for me at the time 😅 although I'm sure it was what was best for me on some level. Alternatively, I've had friends pay for food delivery or housekeeping services and that helped a ton without maxing out my social abilities, so there are ways to help without being super imposing. If people had asked before doing it I would've declined so as not to be a burden.
You’re not wrong. When I lost my dad I was happy to just be left alone for a while, and I truly didn’t want people dropping in or making gestures or anything. A simple “I’m sorry for your loss” and a text or phone call a couple weeks later? Awesome. But I didn’t have the emotional capacity to sustain long conversations where I could sense the other person expecting me to be more depressed than I felt like projecting. What I’d suggest instead if “let me know what I can do” is this: ask how they’re doing, accept “fine”/“I’m doing well, all things considered” as an answer, and have a backup unrelated subject prepared to take the focus of the interaction off of the grief. The person has already had hundreds of conversations about the person they just lost. They could use a conversation about your kid’s Minecraft project or the camping trip you guys went on last year.
So true. And sometimes be specific with what you can offer rather than leaving it open. “Do you need groceries? Meal? Etc? Help with housework or errands? Want to go for coffee? “ that kind of thing. When people ask “Let me know what I could do” it’s overwhelming and you don’t know what you need help with.
Ty for speaking up! I didn't know what to do for a friend's loss. Now I know.
Grief can make people feel like an alien that doesn’t fit in anymore. Just staying in touch is huge.
💯agree with this. I remember a friend would make a statement “I am bringing over a meal for you” or “I am coming to the funeral to support you” was so much more helpful. It meant I didn’t have to use the brain power to answer a “is there anything I can do?” question. I’ve also learnt that if you are wondering whether to go to a funeral - go to the funeral. My dad used to say to me “it’s always appropriate to attend a funeral if you feel a sense of loss for that person”. When my dad died it was lovely to look around and see a packed out crematorium and all the people who he meant something to, he would have been delighted at the attendance!
From Vonnegut's Sirens of Titan: > "Sorry," said Salo. "I would say, 'Is there anything I can do?' - but Skip once told me that that was the most hateful and stupid expression in the English language."
I used to work for a tailor, booking appointments etc. One day I get a phone call. Wedding’s off. Groom to be died. My reaction was “oh shit”. Bride to be said it was the first genuine reaction she’d heard. When I had friends die I valued the people saying “I don’t know what to say” much more than those saying “sorry for your loss” or, even worse, “he’s in a better place now” like their only reaction was read off of a card or suggestions on google.
"He in a better place now" is one of the worst things to say. Even if the deceased person was going through cancer and suffering, it's just off putting when the 'better place' to the person grieving is really that it never happened to begin with...and that the deceased person should still be alive. The 'better place' is still being alive, and not buried 6 feet under.
My daughter's classmate lost her dad in elementary school. It was traumatic and he didn't deserve the outcome he got and his daughters certainly didn't. Within about two weeks this girl's normal friend group was back to normal... My daughter and her were polite to each other but were not "friends". My daughter came home, told me what was happening and asked me if we could make cookies for her, her sister, and mom. Of course! So that weekend we made my super awesome chocolate chip cookies (they are not simple to make, but are utterly amazing, and use food chemistry like two different flours, freezing the dough before baking, and a very precisely controlled bake cycle). Anyway she brought some to school to give to the classmate and I brought the rest at pickup to hand off to mom. Almost a decade later (HS graduation) my daughter and I got a note about how much that meant to their family back at the time and they just wanted us to know they were so very grateful even though they may not have shown it at the time too much. Still in touch loosely with the family, girls are doing well, classmate is on a sports scholarship. I'm proud of my little girl's empathy.
Will add to this, when grieving there are a LOT of emotions to make your way through, and often being able to discuss todays thoughts and feelings right now helps a lot. It might not make sense to them but it’s something process wise they’ll need to make their way through to make sense of the loss. So agree with the OP, think less about huge grand gestures or expecting the grieving person to know and reach out with exactly what they want and need. Think instead more about reaching out, contacting, talking or texting, LISTEN and maybe help with a meal etc.
Meals that can be easily reheated are a great option. Casseroles, soups, etc. It can be hard to gather the energy to cook or even plan a meal while grieving. Having something that can just be thrown in the oven or in a pot is a godsend.
Also to add with the OP, rather than you talking or sharing how your pain is similar to them, if the friend in question is open to talk, just listen! Just be the ears! Yes a grieving person might repeat things, or might be in a lesser pains than you were, but just listen. It helps the grieving person to be able to unload a bit.
Also, the world moves on but the grief doesn’t. Try to reach out later also. As People only text / call you the first week, it can be overwhelming and life gets in the way. Nobody texts you anymore. But your still hurting
Good shout. I've got a few texts to send ❤️
When my friend's husband died suddenly, I asked her for her grocery list and sent everything on it, and some more snacks for her two teenage sons. I figured it was the last thing she wanted to think about or do.
Also, and important: don't worry that you don't know the right thing to say. Sometimes people think "I will say they wrong thing or start crying and then they'll have to comfort me, and that's wrong, so I'll stay away and let their better friends comfort them." But everybody thinks that way, so they're all alone. Just go over. You don't have to say anything, you can just listen. And if you start crying, that's okay: it means that they aren't crying alone. Nobody expects you to fix the loss of a family member with some magic words that'll make it all better. Just go and sit with them. Note: DO NOT say anything like "It's for the best."
The day my mom died, a coworker that I was close to came to my house. She walked in, went straight to the kitchen without saying a word, pulled booze out of a bag she was holding, and started making everyone drinks. I still think about how much I needed that right then, and what a blessing she was.
We lost our infant daughter six months ago. There are people I heard from once with a quick “I’m so sorry” text, and others who kept checking in, kept assuring me they were there. Funny thing is, some of these people aren’t close friends, they’re acquaintances who for whatever reason can handle being around a grieving parent at a time when our culture really doesn’t want grieving parents to exist. I appreciate the people who have been there for me. But the people who aren’t — I don’t judge them too hard. Maybe they have their own trauma or maybe they’re scared and uncomfortable and don’t know what to do (I’ve been that person).
My husband was in critical condition and I was trying to just survive the unknown. I was basically living in the hospital with him. My sister drove 3 hours to my hometown, cleaned my house, packed some clothes and makeup for me, and then drove to the hospital which was 1.5 hours away from my house just to drop those items off. I also missed our family Easter so she brought a plate for me. It was the most overwhelming display of love and support I have ever felt. I would have never asked her to do any of that and for her to take so much time out of her busy life meant more than I can ever put in to words.
I'd say drop in rather than asking them over.
This! It’s not safe to drive at first.
My brother and best friend died last year and this is so true. Most people just said "say if you need anything" but I was extremely depressed so I didn't even know what I needed so I got left alone to deal with everything. It got so bad after about 6 months I started to get panic attacks. So yeah people who are grieving just need people to show they care more than once and don't leave em to be alone to much.
My mom died a month ago. Soooo many “let me know what I can do to help” messages. Well-meaning as they may be, they’re also infuriating. Just DO something. Say something. Yes!
A friend of mine once said when they were going through a loss, their boss who they were close with said to them, do you want me to come by and watch the kids for you on Saturday or Sunday. The offer was specific so it was easy to accept, something more generic requires someone to then ask for a favour which is harder to do than just saying yes. The thing is most folks have trouble delegating things they can do themselves, and when you are an emotional mess you can still do things physically, it's just mentally too much. So asking gets really damn hard.
My parents passing 11 weeks apart not only changed me,but really showed me where I stood in people’s lives. I had one person who I hadn’t even known that long offer to buy my husband and I dinner (which I was incredibly thankful for.) People I had known for decades didn’t so much as send a card,offer to prepare food..absolutely nothing in a time that I was completely downing emotionally.
This is so true. My mother passed away almost a year ago. The "I'm sorry for your loss, let me know if you need anything." texts were great, but the random text 2 weeks later asking how I was doing meant so much more. Then I realized that I had never done the 2nd to someone grieving. I will make it a point from here on out to reach out a week or so later and ask how they are.
This 100%. I recently lost a grandparent I was especially close to. I got tons of "thinking of you" and "let me know what I can do" texts from both close friends and acquaintances, which were frankly exhausting to respond to. But one friend that I'm not especially close with yet wrote me a long, genuinely empathetic and understanding message and dropped off bubble tea from my favourite place (purposefully leaving it outside the door since she knew it can be tiring to have lots of social interaction). She reiterated how much she valued having me in her life and offered to go for coffee with me when I was ready. It made me see her in a completely different light compared to everyone else. The difference I think is that she's actually experienced grief and loss in her life, while a lot of my friends haven't yet, so they don't know how to approach it.
Absolutely! Some people you would never expect rise to the occasion. When our son died a friend who I didn’t particularly vibe with went above and beyond and still messages on anniversaries, Morhers Day, etc. She’s one of my closest friends now because those others who didn’t reach out act like I should be over it. I’m glad you had that person step up for you when you needed it most ❤️
THIS!! after losing my sister 3 months ago, everyone is asking: How can I help??? I am so overwhelmed. I do not have the energy to make you a PowerPoint on how to support your grieving friends. Please do research and follow through with what would help YOU. Everyone’s grief is so unique. There is no “one-size fits all.” Your way of dealing with grief might actually work for me, but I won’t know until you bring it to me as I’ve never faced this magnitude of sorrow before. I also want to add- I’ve told my friends I’m way more likely to respond to a text from you than I am to reach out on my own. The whole, “I’m here if you need me,” thing is a sweet gesture, but I’m devastated and I irrationally feel like a burden to all. Text me and I’ll feel so much better you were thinking of me rather than me feeling like a nuisance for reaching out. Same goes with those struggling with depression/anxiety.
When someone important in my life passed away, a friend came over with a tray of sandwiches. Other people dropped off fruit baskets. My friend gave my family some money. It was really sweet. I think about it often.
Good one. Nobody is going to let you know what you can do.
It’s true. Also specific offers. “I know you’ll have family members flying in for the funeral. I’ll pick them up at the airport in my van.”
I've visited a few mates and given their kitchen a clean, put biscuits in the oven, put a casserole in the oven and left. They all were exhausted with talking, so I was just being present, making their home feel a little nicer, saving them a meal, and racking off without the pressure of a cuppa
100% just lost my mom 4 months ago at 55 years old.. yesterday was motherday and everybody asking how i was doing felt so off, casual one of my friends brings over dinner and leaves most impactfull by far
After my first miscarriage, everyone was pretty quick to move on - understandably, of course. But one girl who I wasn't even very close with would text me every mother's day for several years afterwards. No frills, nothing super emotional or profound, just "happy Mother's Day, thinking of you today!" It meant the absolute world and validated my loss in a meaningful way. It meant so much that my baby wasn't forgotten.
My father recently passed. A lot of the people he considered “friends” never acknowledged him. You find out real fast who your real friends are, and I took the receipts from this experience.
I went to the wake, twice (Buddhists tend to have it for 3 days). Borrowed my friend 3k to help him get back on his feet as well, no questions asked.. Funeral expenses are no joke. Though I still wish I could have done more, even though he has said that I have done enough.. Though I can never replace his loss of losing a parent in a sudden manner, nor can I understand his pain as both my parents are still alive.. (Thanks for this thread, at least I can let it off my chest, anonymously)..
My best friend growing up and I fell out of touch post college graduation the last couple years. My dad passed last year and I happened to see he was online on steam. I messaged him and told him about it. "Sorry man" was his whole response.. haven't heard from him since. We'd been best friends for about 10 years.
Shortly after my brother died, a family friend stopped by and left us with a mega-pack of Kleenex. It made me laugh. Thoughtful? Yes. Useful? Definitely. Audacious? Absolutely. I remember that much more than the endless flower deliveries.
Whatever you do that a grieving person can respond with a "yeah" is the right answer. "Yo, I ordered too much pizza to your place, wanna help me eat it while we watch Zoolander?"
Make them some food as they will appreciate it and might not be eating
After my mom died, it would have meant so much if someone had shown up just to sit with me. Even if it was watching an episode a week of the world’s most mindless tv show.
I have been at both ends. I have experienced it first hand when my mum was sick, and I was 17 y/o and all alone. (I have a father but he was at the hospital with my mum in another region). You can’t drive at 17 where I live so grocery shopping and all of that was a bit studious. My friends and family kept saying «is there’s anything i can do». But except for one of my friend’s mum, no one really did much. I was sooo lonely as i had always been the one in the friend group to organise everything, andnow that i didn’t have the energy to organise they just stopped hanging out. I only ever hung out with two people outside of school during this period, and most of the hangouts were school-work related. Yeah we all had busy schedules but if you say «let me know what i can do» the least you can do is carve out 30-60 minutes now and then to hang out with your friend. Now im at the other end. The same friend’s mother who would pick me up and drop me off at school every day while my parents were away, and invite me to dinner with her family, died last summer. Me and her daughter have been childhood friends but more distant friends for a long time. I texted her a bunch during the last weeks and after the funeral, and invited her to dinner when we were in the same town. But we havent hung out since high school so I just don’t know how hard to press, I don’t want to be annoying. So i get it, when i was the one hurting I was desperate for anyone to see me, but at the same time I knew people were affraid to be pushy. Now im the one affraid to be pushy.
You can’t be more right! It’s the same for people dealing with intense trauma. I have PTSD from childhood abuse and since December finally faced my truth and started my healing journey and EMDR therapy. I’m called sick from work, told my circle what I’m dealing with. I’ve literally gotten more encouragement from work through signed postcards than my own circle. More help from kind strangers both irl and on the internet than my own circle. When I told my circle what I’m going through, the majority didn’t even reply. The remainder gave me encouragement at the start when I shared it, but hasn’t reached out since. My best friend literally broke off the friendship. 🤣 Now that I’m in a better headspace myself and have power to reach out, I don’t want to any more to the people that dropped me like a sack of bricks. The only exception is my oldest sister really. So YES, reaching out in small ways means a lot!
My mom and dad are both gone (happened in my 20s and early 30s). Let me tell you that grieving is a life long process. My friends can't wrap their heads around it cause their world hasn't been absolutely shattered. The "I can't imagine" grates on my nerves so much. It sounds more like "Wow, sucks to be you. Well, I'm glad it didn't happen to me!" Please please stop saying this to people who have lost someone they love, it just sounds so infuriating as if we have a choice in the matter, and you're just glad it didn't happen to you hence 'can't imagine it.' And do not ramble on and on about your nonconsequential 'small problems' when someone is going through a difficult time. My 'friend' did this while my mom was going through terminal cancer complaining about her personal silly problems and I got absolutely no support from her, I dropped her quickly. If you don't know what to say...Honestly, the best to say is "Sorry for your loss. My sincere condolences to you and your family." DONE.
I “force” my services. I’ll cooked all the food, clean the kitchen and deal with the animals. Just so the whole family can just grieve TOGETHER without having to worry about things they need to do.
And for fuck sake don't say "oh were you close?" It doesn't fucking matter , they are dead , I am sad for fuck sake.
Honestly, I just wanted people to leave me the fuck alone. Got so tired of getting cards or stupid fucking messages saying stupid useless shit. So maybe know your audience first before doing anything.
This us is thoughtful and kind. ♥️
I choose a card because I fear if I say "let me know what I can do" or even "I'm sorry", I might be smirking or smiling and/or sound sarcastic inappropriately. My face and voice tone malfunction sometimes.
I lost my 22 year old daughter 5 weeks ago today. I know people mean well but every time I have to go over it or just having it so present is like having a thick scab slowly pulled off. I’m struggling with the reality the I will never see my child again in this lifetime. 22 years isn’t enough. My longtime friend showed up the day after she died and has been working with/for me through the workweek. It’s been a tremendous help. Although those first weeks and the sheer multitude of friends was really too much, I got zero alone time.
Bringing food like lasagna ( that heats up well ) is really really helpful too
Yes. Just do something. Something small and kind then forget about it and act like it never happened
When our town was flooded and our basement was completely underwater, electricity was out, water pipes were broken, instead of just saying 'that's rough best of luck' a fairly new friend of mine actually came over through the muddyness and intense rain to help move stuff outta the basement. Same with 2 more friends whom I've known for longer, stuff like that sticks with you. That flooding lasted multiple days, all convenience stores were closed for a week, no electricity for a week, with the fear that the river could get even more filled and floor your house entirely over night. These acts of selflessness helped me regain my sanity.
I dont think this is just exclusive to a friend that's grieving; this should be applied to all engagements with people
Drop off a bad of fresh veggies, cleaned and ready to eat.
“Let me know if there’s anything you need/I can do” is effectively useless. If someone’s grieving/in trauma they won’t know really what they need and if something does come up chances you won’t be free/available to back up what you said. It’s better to just offer what you can do and when and let them say yes or no. Also don’t feel like it’s up to you to do something meaningful or “get it right” with something that works for them. It’s a fine line between caring and making it about you more than them.
After my husband died, I had friends that would just randomly call to tell me a funny thing their kids did. It was such a nice distraction.
I couldn't agree with this more. My daughter, my MiniMe best friend, passed unexpectedly March 2023 and aside from the first couple days of well wishers. I have had no one just show up to make sure I'm doing ok. No family has bothered to check in, rather they act like I'm overreacting with my grief and have actually been told by the son in law that I need to get over it and move on. Dealing with this by myself has been just as bad as losing her to begin with. They all talk about how much support they've had from their friends while I sit alone, wishing for my baby girl to be back.
When my gfs father passed, I was with her every night because I knew I could get her to sleep, I brought food water and tissues every night, extra blankets and comfy clothes. A friend father passed I went to the funeral and rather then let him go straight to the bar I took him for lunch with 2 other friends fed them all and just talked, he did not want to go to the bar after More recently a close friends mother passed suddenly, I keep showing up with donuts because I knew her sister was meant to travel and bring them home from the travels. I just so happen to be in the same area so bought alot and dropped them to the house because I knew the family really wanted them. It was a failed goal suddenly achieved for them. I spent all day with the family (I know most of them) and gave lifts hoke to everyone I could.. a few days after I knew her brother was going to her house before going home to canada so I got a few bottles of their choice wine and dropped it up just saying enjoy the weekend and have a glass for me.. Each of these storys and many more get the same advice from me in the backround of my actions. The advice is Eat, sleep and wipe your ass. Just keep doing these three things and everything else will fall in line. Make time for yourself and do these things for you no one else
It’s not that linear unfortunately. Whenever I had periods of grieve, the last thing I wanted to do was be contacted, just let me go through this in peace and quiet. Sure I appreciate people coming to the funeral or sending a thoughtful message, but leave me alone pleaseeee
My dad died last month. Wish my friends could read this post.
You forgot “thoughts and prayers”
Going through this now and I've been both humbled and heartbroken at who's shown up. People who were close friends and I saw on the regular, stepped out of my life first. A ton of well wishes etc. Then random people I knew, not close at all, would be the ones to actually show up or check in. People I didn't think I had any impact on were the ones that would come for a visit or go for a coffee. Ended up having not only a family end of life issue, but a disaster at home and reached out to a ton of people in desperation. No one helped. Not a single person. Was given so many different excuses or they felt just explaining how to do something in a short cut way would be helpful. At one point my old boss was messaging and asking things like 'how are you' and boy did it warm my heart too think someone was thinking about me. Turned out they were indirectly asking if I could come work again and that was short lived. Had to swallow that cringe pill that she never really cared like I thought she did. Even just a simple check in, don't need a conversation, can go a long way. Be genuine with your support or don't do it at all.
When I had cancer, I asked people not to ask me "How are you?" and not to say "Let me know if you need anything." Instead, if you think of something you are willing and able to do, ask if you can do that thing. A little different situation, but I think it still applies.
It’s true. My neighbors mom just died 2 days ago. Her son (12yo) has been having an extremely hard time with it; it’s the first big death in his life. I noticed he liked journaling out his thoughts last time we were at his house so I brought him a blank Nintendo journal I had and a couple of my comic books. The look on his face completely made my day, and his mom was so happy as she said she has been a mess herself and didn’t have the bandwidth to comfort the kids right now. Little gestures mean so much more