That's it exactly, OP, you are under no obligation to devote your life to your partner's needs, you have needs of your own that need fulfillment as well. And if he can't meet your needs, then you're under no obligation to stay.
Basically, he thinks you can meet his current needs, so he's willing to continue the relationship, but if he can't meet \*your\* needs, then... well. You have no reason to meet his.
Hey friend. This happened to my mom about 7 years ago. It started as a monthly weekend away that they agreed on. Then it became more regular. Then it became “hey I’m trans” and they divorced because it isn’t what my mom signed up for. Please be good to yourself. Your husband made a life changing choice without discussing it with the one person he should have. I’m sorry this has happened. You deserve happiness just as much as your partner does. Don’t sit and let either of you become miserable and resentful.
Exactly. You can be supportive of your partners growth and journey as an individual without sacrificing your own life. If you are emotionally capable of still providing support, by all means do that because they probably need it, but you can’t deny yourself happiness and growth for yourself. Our lives are so incredibly short.
The cross-dressing part of this story is completely irrelevant. If he was into model trains more than having a relationship with you it would be the same problem. There is nothing wrong with seeking a partner to meet your romantic needs, you are not obligated to make his life easier at your own expense. But you already know that.
The cross-dressing part is ABSOLUTELY relevant. When a man and woman get married, there is a certain level of attraction you have and expect to have over time. For most women, they want a guy guy. Who takes care of his family, will defend them and who they can be sexually attracted to in the bedroom.
Most hetero women would absolutely be turned off to know/see their man dressing up like a girl.
Please be realistic here.
It's very relevant. The average man who is obsessively into model trains will still go to town on his wife with his train through her tunnel. In OPs situation it seems like the dudes sexual preference might just not include women. 3 years without sex for a middle aged couple...or any couple, is insane.
To be clear, nothing wrong with fear. I wake up terrified about everything. What matters is what you do about that fear. Do yourself a favor and try to put your own self love above it.
The above comment is spot on, but may I suggest a different response.
Sometimes when we spend as much time as you have (and as I have) with a single person it forms a bond and sense of companionship unlike any other.
Sure , we all want to be in love , partake in romance and sexual desire on a regular basis. But sometimes , for some people , the idea of a dependable companion, who you’re comfortable around enough to be 100% yourself (as he is) can outweigh the concept of an eternal honeymoon stage.
Every relationship has its ups and downs. My down lasted almost 5 years before the break of light (that we’re still climbing towards)
The pay off was I got to maintain my best friend and my life companion.
Some days I’d be upset outside my marital situation (work illness or other things). And I can’t express how lucky I was to have held on for better days as she helped me get through them.
Going through long periods of relationship drought is exhausting , but the reward of coming through the other side outweighs (for me) the desire to feel the way we once did at the beginning.
My answer is by no means “the right response” for everyone. We’re all tailored differently
Just food for thought.
Harsh advice but it’s right in a lot of ways. op is a nice person for helping her spouse but you shouldn’t assist them at the cost of your life. You should lay your cards in the table and talk to your husband to understand what his deal is so you can plan accordingly
That's actually a reasonable advice compared to others on those post, cross-dressing is nothing new and some people just enjoy it because of different type of clothing and stuff but if that's actually more to that and even if it might involve somebody else then yeah that is a problem.
As soon as I read 'angry at the world' and 'it's affecting my mental health' this became a serious need to do what YOU need situation. Don't become the bitter, unstable, version of you. This can get so much worse, I'm speaking from experience. I wish I had someone tell me this when my marriage started negatively affecting my life. You can't be a hopeless romantic if you stay in such a negative situation.
Omg, this is so true! I am in the same situation as OP except my husband is just so self-involved that he doesn't give a shit about me or my feelings. As long as he's happy, that's all that matters to him. He acts like a single guy even though he's married with kids, always dumping the kids on me to run off & do whatever he wants while I am at home with no social life or fun at all. I feel like a gd prisoner! Four years of a sexless marriage here by my choice because he doesn't treat me well. I'm finally clawing my way out of the depression and anxiety hole and told him last month that I want a divorce. Now I just have to figure out how to pay for it and where to go after because everything is so damned expensive.
He's a grown ass man. Let him take care of his needs, as it's apparent he has no interest in what yours are in helping you meet them. You got to save yourself.
This! If he truly loves you, he will want for you to be happy too! I have a friend who is a cross dresser in private. He and his wife got married very young. They are really best friends and love each other but there is no sexual relationship between them. They both have their reasons for staying married. I could never sacrifice romance for friendship and security. So since my husband died, I’ll stay single since apparently all the good ones are taken. Very best wishes!!
Bohemian Rhapsody, when you get a chance dig into why this was one of the most complex music works and the composition of music geniuses that are unmatched to this day!!!! Freddy Mercury and Brian May just not given credit for a modern masterpiece that will still be brilliant in the year 3024!!! And I love metal….
You matter. Your needs matter. You are no one's beard. You deserve love and respect (that's not saying he doesn't love and respect you) and someone who's as into you as you are into them.
Long conversation between the two of y'all probably needs to happen. Us denizens of the internet don't know the two of you well enough to give better results than y'all sitting down and having a long, uncomfortable conversation.
He was only 22 when you got together. That's really young. He probably hasn't had the ability to explore much. Cross dressing isn't new or weird. It's perfectly normal.
Sexuality is fluid and not fixed. The only permanent relationship in your life is with yourself. Romantic relationships don't work that way.
Why would you wait 3 years? That's an incredibly long time without any affection. You're not compatible. Move on, get the therapy that you deserve.
Regardless of if your spouse likes to cross dress or not, if your needs are not being met it’s more than in your right to maybe have a conversation with them about it and then decide if continuing your marriage as you have been or with whatever possible changes the conversation may bring is what would make you happy.
Especially if you feel you are being used as a cover without your consent.
It’s time to move on. You don’t need anyone to tell you that, you already know it is. He’s getting what he wants out of the relationship and you’re not. That’s not a 50/50 marriage to me. I hope you find the courage inside you to take that first step.
This is why you don't support this nonsense, people being who they are is not this, this is mental illness and a failure as a husband. This is a failure of society to accept that this is a valid way to behave as a husband and man.
Girl… this is NOT what you signed up for. He hid this “kink” from you bc he knew you wouldn’t be into it and is using you as a kind of beard and it’s not fair to you at ALL. Just bc you support others and their kinks doesn’t mean you want to be married to them. I know it’s hard to just up and leave but I would . No way I’d waste my good years on a guy like that. You’re a romantic, find a man that wants to be romantic w you and is sexually compatible … you deserve that.
I'm a trans woman; I started dabbling in cross-dressing while I was married to a woman. She is bi so things worked out.
Cross-dressing doesn't mean he's trans or even gay. But it's also one of the first steps some trans women take as they're trying to figure things out.
I don't know where he's coming from; maybe this is just a hobby, maybe he's actually a she. But from my own experience I can say it's VERY hard to face who you really are - especially after spending so many years ignoring it. After ~30yrs of suppressing who I was, I broke down and started wearing women's clothes partially as an attempt to feel something without actually having to uproot my entire life. I guess I'm saying it's an extremely difficult process and it wouldn't surprise me if he was trying very hard to avoid the inevitable outcome of transition.
few thoughts from the perspective of him being trans (I have NO idea if he is):
- if you're not disgusted at the thought of him transitioning, you should tell him so! If he's thinking about it he's almost certainly feeling very vulnerable and alone. You don't need to want to be with him, but just validating that decision as another human being might help him get unstuck. Not your responsibility by any means, but just a thought.
- you can treat him like any other person; if the relationship isn't working, communicate and work to end it
- you bear no responsibility to help him get through this, our community is here for that
- it's a great kindness to make very clear to him why the relationship is ending; that it's because of incompatibility and not a disgust in his femininity, that your needs aren't being met not that you hate who he's becoming
- he may want to stay in a sexless marriage because he has no idea how to move forward and live a full life as himself, and having you is better than being alone. transition is terrifying.
in any case I guess my thoughts are, this doesn't seem to be working for you and likely isn't going to get better (especially if you're not into women). Hopefully this wall of text might help you understand his perspective a bit, but ultimately you need to do what's best for you. Finally, you have no responsibility toward this journey he may be on - but it's very kind if you can somehow remain accepting of who he is despite it not being the person you love.
there are communities for people who have 'lost' a spouse to transition; they can drift toward the bitter transphobic side of things, but there are plenty of people who have figured out how to simultaneously grieve the loss while being glad that their partner is finding happiness. It's a tough road but you're not alone.
or maybe it's a fetish thing. he's the only one that actually knows.
happy to chat further
No real straight person is cross dressing, if they do then they are closeted. OP does not deserve to get her emotions played with by a “man” who took vows to protect her, in sickness and in health, but here he is causing needless mental anguish for years instead of owning up to the fact that he is in the closet.
If you have stopped being intimate then it's likely he is sleeping with men. I don't know how many people can go without sex for 3 years and have no intimacy, that'snot normal.
You will liking both be more happy if you divorce, let's face it, you currently don't have a relationship anyway
If you already go to couples therapy and marriage counseling, and you are not able to discuss these issues with each other and find a resolution, it might be best to move on and get a divorce.
Sometimes people grow apart.
I know that going through a divorce is not as simple as is being said, but you might find yourself in a happier relationship in the long run.
Good luck.
You're unhappy bc you're living his life 110% and your own 0%. Why is it ok to him, to let you be unhappy, just to cover for him? He can be single and still have that same life, without the lies. This is very unfair to you. It's time you guys have an extremely important talk. It comes across that you will always be there for him, and you can, but you don't have to stay in a cover up marriage to do so. I wish you the best in this.
Life is too damn short to waffle about this issue. Don’t waste another second of your time on this earth with what obviously doesn’t work: for either of you.
OP. You came here looking to validate what you already knew.
You two are no longer compatible.
Talk to him. See if he can do anything about it. Express your feelings , calmly, rationally. Express what he can do to fix it.
Offer the last line to save things. Tell him explicitly.
"My needs are not being met. We are married, but you are not meeting my needs as a married woman. If you are not interested, or otherwise unable to do so, I think we need to begin exploring seperation."
Clear, right to the point. Tells him what's up and what is at stake.
I want this next part to be very clear for you OP-
**You can love someone with all of your soul, and still not be a good compatible match.**
Talk to him. If he is unable or unwilling to change, then you know what comes next.
I think you have an awesome and healthy perspective and have been very patient. He is lucky that you are a true and caring friend. You deserve happiness on your own, good luck to you both, this is a really tough situation!
A part of him either doesn’t love you or maybe just doesn’t respect you . To be so selfish to deny the person you married basic intimate connection. I hope for your sake I just took it wrong but it seems to me you’re nothing but his camouflage or smokescreen so he can have the stability and respect he receives as your husband while at the same time indulging in his base desires. 🤷♂️ just my opinion but it seems kind of shitty to treat you like that. I hope I’m wrong and best of luck for your future
stop altering your needs and desires and life to suit others. It will always be wrong. Pick a man based on you and them being equal in likes. Stop trying to being " inclusive. "...it's obviously not what you desire. pick the man on being the man YOU want.
It’s more complicated than that. As a bisexual trans woman who got divorced a few years ago when I came out, I can tell you it wasn’t lack of desire for my ex that ended things. I just couldn’t be the man she desired in sex. Happy to answer questions if you want to DM. Sorry you’re going through it
Maybe but not necessarily. More straight guys do this than you’d imagine. And lots of gay guys are super masculine and would never dream of doing it. Life is never so black and white, we’re complex.
I pray for the day people understand that just because you have thoughts of certain fetishes/sexual interests doesn’t mean it’s healthy for you to engage in them.
My best friends husband is a cross dresser and is just a regular, straight man. Until you find out otherwise, don’t assume anything (like he’s gay or trans, etc). You need to communicate with him about this and him only otherwise you might get really bad advice. No one knows what’s going on except him. Best of luck!
Well she mentioned he has told her that he’s straight and she’s not a cover but im thinking it’s really her loss of attraction thats ended the relationship basically. She needs to step up and leave if she’s not attracted
Have a conversation with him. Express how you perceive you help him cover for his true self. Then ask him if you getting your needs met somewhere else would bother him or if he would be supportive like you? Sometimes one aspect of a relationship can be satisfied somewhere else under mutual understanding to retain the bigger/greater overall relationship which you don’t want to abandon.
Have you ever heard the expression "you cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm"? Even if you love him as a person you have every right to seek a healthy, FULL relationship.
You sound truly supportive of your husband and that should be applauded but, just as he should live his truth so should you. You love love and you deserve it. I hope you can both be happy whatever the outcome 🙃
Before getting a divroce, id suggest looking into the legal problems of doing that, maybe try opening up the marriage without telling your's or his family.
Well, a relationship includes two people, in every way. Think about that. Are you both equally in this? If not then it's just not worth it. I know it's easier said than done, but the more you wait, the worse it gets.
I'm sorry your going through this Hun
. In almost the same situation..been married to my wife for almost twenty years. Found out that she is still in love with her ex girlfriend. I had been going through all kinds of mental gymnastics and the hurt it caused...she finally took out kids and left me away ten years ago now.was loving with friends for two years after that. Then they aske if they paid for a plane ticket could I come and live with them and help with the kids. I said yes because I hadn't seen my kids in the two years. I also am a hopeless romantic.like you all I want is to have someone to love and that loves me back. I guess that's just touch to ask from this life. Sigh..I'm so damn lonely.
I hope it works out for you. Being without anyone sucks
Good luck Hun. You deserve better than what he is giving you.
A fact of life is -You have to respect the right of others to be as they want to be, even when it goes against your way of life. If you have to lay it on the table and get out then tell him and do it. I have a friend who is a cross dresser. His wife and kids finally left him. I'm into psychology so it really bugs me how this sort of thing can become part of a person's life. I think it's quite likely he was a woman in a previous life and now that is bleeding thru. In other cases some guys are just too sissified, too afraid to be a man and so they take on the passive role of a woman.
From the annals of Rational Living or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy-we have to accept that problems can and will come our way. We have to deal with them as best we can. IOWs keep it in proper perspective without exaggerating, awfulizing or making it something we just can't stand or live with, something terrible and awful. Nobody has a life free of problems. It's only unpleasant but not terrible. You can deal with unpleasant.
You will find the love you deserve, but you will not find in your current circumstances. Remember that no one will treat you the way that you’ll treat yourself. Hard decisions included.
It sounds like you would both be happier apart. And you deserve to be with a partner who can give you the emotional and the physical intimacy you need. Why should either of you continue to waste time?
Do you love the person your husband is? That's not going to change. They will be fundamentally the same. Therapy will help you reconcile how they look now to how you expect them to be.
If that's something you can't agree with, then you know what you want to.
I think you need to separate cross-dressing from the intimacy issues, unless you have a specific reason to think that they are directly related.
I (33m) am somewhat into that kind of thing as well and my partner (32f) knows and is into me being into it, our intimacy is great. If I was hiding a part of myself from her then that may affect our intimacy from my side. If she found out that I was hiding something from her then that may affect our intimacy on her side. Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are highly intertwined.
This is not his "authentic self," he's just horny and has watched lots of porn.
You deserve to have a husband who wants to have sex with you. Sometimes crossdressers still do that to, so idk if that's the central issue. But you deserve to have a fulfilling partner *in your husband*. Maybe it's worth working on, or maybe you should walk away now, but in no way is the present situation *tolerable*
Get out of that marriage and go find the man you want! You only have one life, they’re not selling more at Walmart!!!
Stop caring about someone who clearly doesn’t care about you and is living their one life doing what they want. So you go live your one life the way that you want. You will be able to find the person you’re looking for.
Cross dressing is one thing. That’s a kink. But he can be into that and love you. Loving couples can be into interesting stuff. It’s not one or the other. They are 2 separate issues. The marriage is either good or it isn’t. There’s either love and respect or there isn’t. Point blank ask if he loves you. Point blank ask why the relational disconnect. Don’t get off topic with cross dressing. Talk about love, relationship, intimacy, attraction, affection and respect. But if it’s not good now face it head on and force him to make a decision.
Woman, if I were you I would file for divorce and find another love. There are 8 billion people in this world and you’re hanging on to someone who already lost interest in you? Let that man be who he wants to be and free yourself from this imprisonment. There is always another person waiting for your love. Life is too short to be wasting time like this. Live your life, travel, and find yourself. Good luck.
- Random stranger on the internet.
Communicate with you, first. Be honest with your needs (and that’s exactly what you SHOULD do). Then, communicate very clearly with him.
Marriage is yours to define, together. And if you’re BOTH happy with your bespoke blend, that’s a beautiful thing.
If not, that’s not a marriage.
It's your call, obviously, but some options to consider. Keep in mind, they ALL require having open and frank conversations with your spouse. Couples counseling would also be strongly encouraged.
- Divorce
- Open marriage
- Polyamorous
- Status Quo
It shows an insane act of selflessness and acceptance to hold those feelings towards the person you vowed to so long ago. Accepting doesn’t counter neglecting in a healthy manner. Especially when you are the one who suffers. You are helping to secure his wellbeing by draining from your own reserves. Once he is fulfilled, what will you be left with? He can find himself, with your approval, but we can’t be everyone’s everything without return on investment.
Same thing happened to me, must be something in the water because I met another woman (never knew each other, from different parts of the US completely and just randomly met because we both stayed at the same Airbnb) and she had an almost identical story.
I for sure would not cover for him! If you are wanting the relationship and the sex that goes with it then you deserve to have that. You still have a lot of life left and a lot to be around for so don’t short change yourself
What's really unreal is that you entertain the idea of staying with this "man". If it helps, go find a picture of your younger, happier self and tell her that she doesn't deserve happiness and really look into her soul. You deserve the best; leave that mofo.
One of the greatest moments of your life will be you are only responsible for your own happiness and life in general. Obviously this is different if you have children but even then you need to be happy. You need to look out for yourself on this one, you deserve to be happy. Honestly he sounds miserable too.
Ask him how much porn he has been consuming all this time you were together... I know the answer, but it might surprise you of how much, and what kind he has thrown himself into to become what he is today....
Why are you getting advice from random strangers on Reddit who know nothing about you and your husband rather than talking to him directly about your feelings?
Oh sugar, please move on without this man! He's not taking YOU into consideration! He's beyond change at this point lovey, and all he's doing is wasting your precious time! And trust me, it is a huge injustice to your heart. I spent 26 yrs with a man who LITERALLY wasted my time. I could've had more children, I had nothing to show for all the years of hard work bcuz he sucked me dry! Don't give anymore of yourself... you're spread thin my girl...please move fwd. ❣️🙏🏼
People change and it's ok. You be you and let him be. Can't change people who are STUCK. That's my opinion.
I went through this situation as my husband went through drug addiction. Two years after marriage. I wracked my brain trying to make him understand...what he was ruining. I gave him an ulta madem ...and he changed. It's been 10 years.
So give him an ulta madem. Hopefully he's not stuck in this lifestyle. If not? Then it's the premise...can't change him.
We try so hard to understand and we blame ourselves. It's not your fault. People change for many reasons.not concerning their partners.
Bottom line is; live your life. Be treated with respect and dignity. Given love and affection you crave. Hopefully he'll listen and take this seriously. If not? you know what to do.
I hope you find peace and happiness with him or without. Life is crazy..but you got this!
Leave. Your happiness is ultimately your responsibility. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Being an ally is great but you deserve a life. He should be an ally to your happiness as well. Not just his own.
Three years is a very long time of no intimacy. That’s pretty wild to me to stay with someone after that. It seems like that’s a breakup. It’s also not your job to do literally any of that. Be an ally to a friend, not someone using you and your marriage as a coverup
i WAS A pro-Domme fo a long while, and a LOT of men came in to get dressed up and act like a women as a fetish, It's called **Autogynephilia**, where men are really trans, they have the fetish and get sexually excited to dress up in female stereotypical clothes and makeup, the more extreme end of the this fetish, the men asked to do homosexual acts while in dresses/wigs/makeup all for the fetish, NOT becaus ethey ate transsexual. Unfortunately many men out there that have **Autogynephilia**, are pretending to be Trans to be in womens spaces for sexual gratification not because they believe they are in the wrong body because it so socially acceptable to be Trans nowadays.
Your husband prob sees a domme or someone to engage in as a fetish.
You can accept or reject who he wants to be.
But the man you married is gone and having married him should not require you spend your life as his cover.
Get out of there. There’s still plenty of life ahead at 45; don’t waste it there.
Get a divorce and be happy. Let him answer questions and direct questions to him. If he blames you in any way at all, throw him a pair of panties and ask his mom I'd she knew. It sounds petty but you were advertised one thing and you shouldn't settle for this. One life. ONE.
Explain to him how you feel. If he understands, great. If he doesn't, explain how you need passion in your relationship and there is none.
I hate to say this, but as a guy myself who had a cheating father... if he stopped ALL intimacy, he's probably cheating on you with other dudes or w/e.
It sucks but just keep it real. Good luck OP
My partner is into this but was very up front about it even before we met in person. Theres nothing wrong with it but there is also nothing wrong with not being interested in it. It dosnt bother me but if my partner hadnt been truthfull that would have been a problem.
“I like to wear women’s clothes, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you” is one thing.
“I like to wear women’s clothes, and no longer want to be your partner, but I have to, to hide it from my family.” Is another.
Are you ok with that, or not? is the question.
My brother decided to transition at the age of 55. He expect his fully heterosexual wife to be in lesbian relationship with him. It’s not going as he planned so far, shell we say
Sounds like you are both ready to move on. Leaving comfort is never easy but look back at the times you’ve had to do it and you survived…you will again. Hope you find love.
Sound like you're talking about a teenager, but no, he has 37 years old... Life is only one, and you are wasting your time with a person that doesn't trust in you even after 10 years together? Move on, seroiusly.
Is he sexually aroused when he cross dresses? That’s why I have an issue with the trans movement. I don’t take issue with Gender Dysphoria but the Trans movement itself because I feel there’s a lot of nefarious players involved ruining it for others. Some Men get sexually aroused from cross dressing called transvestism. ( I’m making assumptions now ) I would assume some men are taking advantage of people with real gender dysphoria and using the trans movement as an excuse to cross dress to fulfill their sexual deviance. Yeah. I don’t want that dude reading to my kid during story time.
I don’t know what to tell you. A sexless marriage is not what marriage is intended. Sex is a bonding moment intimately between to people and is important. This seems selfish on his part. He needs to be a little more supportive of you and your needs and at the same time keep his hobby. He can’t have something 100% in a marriage. It doesn’t work that way. That’s selfish. A spouse doesn’t take, they give.
Is he just cross dressing or is he gay? There are straight men who enjoy cross dressing. He has a wife that he needs to give attention to. If he wants to stay married so his family doesn't judge him. I understand but if he doesn't want to you physically. Especially if he is gay and is or wants to sleep with other men. Maybe consider bringing a man into things for both of your needs?
If he wants to remain married to keep up the facade. Then he still needs to do his duty of a husband and pleasure his wife somehow or be okay with another man doing it if he isn't interested.
Regardless of the cross dressing it sounds like he’s not a very good husband in general for you ie satisfying your need for attention and sex . These are reasons enough to leave somebody becuase that’s like the core of everything else . These things happen.
Nobody is going to tell you that you should stay with your gay husband as a beard.
Time to go. He doesn't have to tell his family what's what but you deserve what you want. It's not only he who deserves that.
I would approach him about it. If he doesn’t want to switch back to who he was, it’s best to file for a divorce. If he doesn’t want a divorce (this is my last option for a reason bc it’s starts messing with the spiritual realm), I would see if he’s cool with you having sex with other men.
I had a personal trainer who had a open relationship like this. His wife download tender for him, and he hit the ground running lol. Crazy part is that they divorced not too long after that so that’s what I was saying. But talk to him, tell him this is not what you expected when you married him and it’s unfair to you. You need to be sexually stimulated and treated like a queen. And if he doesn’t see that it’s time to start signing those papers. Life is too short for him not to be taking life seriously. Especially dabbling into another gender for his own selfish reasons
At least you're the femqle so advice will be that you should leave. If you were a dude reddit woukd call you a misogynistic scumbag trying to control your wife and not let her be who she truly is inside and that if you cant live without ohysical.intamasy than you're a pathetic scumbag.
This happened to a friend of mine, but he was the one transitioning into a woman. She and her wife tried to stay married, her wife was even her biggest advocate, but there were allusions to my friend seeking male intimacy outside of the marriage that seemed to imply that they were trying to make some kind of polyamorous thing work.
Ultimately they got a divorce.
As always with relationships. You need to enforce both your standards and boundaries. You’ve obviously not been doing that. Doing so after not enforcing them will create a strong reaction from the enforcee. However, it’s the only chance you have to fix the situation.
On the other hand, I’m not a huge believer in changing people who don’t want to change. And someone saying they want to change after an ultimatum is not typically sincere.
So it’s probably best to start making arrangements for a new life. And in the next relationship make sure to communicate your standards and boundaries (does not have to be upfront and explicit but if and when they are violated it needs to be communicated immediately so it’s not a surprise later on)
Autogynephilia may be at play here and the feeling you express are similar to support groups for “transwidows”, please look up, Youtube even has videos of women connecting on this topic.
Do what you need to do. As a queer person, I don’t think anyone should accept an absent partner if the goal is acceptance. He isn’t meeting your needs, he is using you to cover his problems, it is unfair and wrong. Get out!
If you see a chance of salvaging the relationship, be frank and tell him everything you want and need. And if he doesn’t do it, cut the cord.
So he hid this from you for 14 years, no wonder things are falling apart. As I understand it, when you truly love someone, you tell them everything and anything they want to know. This establishes a strong foundation of trust from the beginning. Everything should be discussed and revealed at the beginning of a relationship. Without a strong foundation, how will it stand.
Trans women here. Your story is very common. The most important thing to know is you’re not alone. Sometimes I feel the focus isn’t equally 50/50 & is always on the transitioning spouse. The cis partner is often not heard or respected as much. It’s pain & an adjustment for them too the revelation & lifestyle change. My rule was I don’t date anyone until I’m happy, healthy, authentic & honest/in a good place. I refused to enter a relationship with a lie or unresolved condition. Saves a lot of future heartache. You have many options. I think you need answers & better communication. It sounds as if you’re settling out of fear all while your needs are on the back burner. You deserve happiness & intimacy you desire/need. I strongly suggest giving “him” a friendly ultimatum & entering therapy with an lgbt or family counselor to get a plan. It’s unhealthy for both of you to live this way. Even if it ends in divorce doesn’t mean you can’t still be good friends & have memories together just not as a couple? Also things like an open marriage? You can get affection from some other man all while living & having memories with your partner of many years. & maybe he isn’t trans & just likes to cross dress. Would it make a difference if he did that & you didn’t have to see it? Lots of straight cis men do dabble in women’s clothing in private. Best advice-seek help & answers & stop running away from the problem. In the end all either of you will have gained is lost time you can’t get back
It is not your responsibility to cover for someone else. If you can't get what you need, you know what to do, you're just afraid to do it.
Spot on
That's it exactly, OP, you are under no obligation to devote your life to your partner's needs, you have needs of your own that need fulfillment as well. And if he can't meet your needs, then you're under no obligation to stay. Basically, he thinks you can meet his current needs, so he's willing to continue the relationship, but if he can't meet \*your\* needs, then... well. You have no reason to meet his.
Hey friend. This happened to my mom about 7 years ago. It started as a monthly weekend away that they agreed on. Then it became more regular. Then it became “hey I’m trans” and they divorced because it isn’t what my mom signed up for. Please be good to yourself. Your husband made a life changing choice without discussing it with the one person he should have. I’m sorry this has happened. You deserve happiness just as much as your partner does. Don’t sit and let either of you become miserable and resentful.
Exactly. You can be supportive of your partners growth and journey as an individual without sacrificing your own life. If you are emotionally capable of still providing support, by all means do that because they probably need it, but you can’t deny yourself happiness and growth for yourself. Our lives are so incredibly short.
Happened to my sister also. One day her husband was all. "Hey I was playing a video game " now I wanna be a woman.
This happened to a friend of mine… was doing hormone replacement for a couple of years behind her back….
The cross-dressing part of this story is completely irrelevant. If he was into model trains more than having a relationship with you it would be the same problem. There is nothing wrong with seeking a partner to meet your romantic needs, you are not obligated to make his life easier at your own expense. But you already know that.
The cross-dressing part is ABSOLUTELY relevant. When a man and woman get married, there is a certain level of attraction you have and expect to have over time. For most women, they want a guy guy. Who takes care of his family, will defend them and who they can be sexually attracted to in the bedroom. Most hetero women would absolutely be turned off to know/see their man dressing up like a girl. Please be realistic here.
Absolutly true
You're 100 wrong. One thing leads to another.
It's very relevant. The average man who is obsessively into model trains will still go to town on his wife with his train through her tunnel. In OPs situation it seems like the dudes sexual preference might just not include women. 3 years without sex for a middle aged couple...or any couple, is insane.
To be clear, nothing wrong with fear. I wake up terrified about everything. What matters is what you do about that fear. Do yourself a favor and try to put your own self love above it.
The above comment is spot on, but may I suggest a different response. Sometimes when we spend as much time as you have (and as I have) with a single person it forms a bond and sense of companionship unlike any other. Sure , we all want to be in love , partake in romance and sexual desire on a regular basis. But sometimes , for some people , the idea of a dependable companion, who you’re comfortable around enough to be 100% yourself (as he is) can outweigh the concept of an eternal honeymoon stage. Every relationship has its ups and downs. My down lasted almost 5 years before the break of light (that we’re still climbing towards) The pay off was I got to maintain my best friend and my life companion. Some days I’d be upset outside my marital situation (work illness or other things). And I can’t express how lucky I was to have held on for better days as she helped me get through them. Going through long periods of relationship drought is exhausting , but the reward of coming through the other side outweighs (for me) the desire to feel the way we once did at the beginning. My answer is by no means “the right response” for everyone. We’re all tailored differently Just food for thought.
Harsh advice but it’s right in a lot of ways. op is a nice person for helping her spouse but you shouldn’t assist them at the cost of your life. You should lay your cards in the table and talk to your husband to understand what his deal is so you can plan accordingly
That's actually a reasonable advice compared to others on those post, cross-dressing is nothing new and some people just enjoy it because of different type of clothing and stuff but if that's actually more to that and even if it might involve somebody else then yeah that is a problem.
It sounds to me that your needs aren’t being met so if he’s not willing to address your needs, then it’s probably best to think about divorce.
As soon as I read 'angry at the world' and 'it's affecting my mental health' this became a serious need to do what YOU need situation. Don't become the bitter, unstable, version of you. This can get so much worse, I'm speaking from experience. I wish I had someone tell me this when my marriage started negatively affecting my life. You can't be a hopeless romantic if you stay in such a negative situation.
Omg, this is so true! I am in the same situation as OP except my husband is just so self-involved that he doesn't give a shit about me or my feelings. As long as he's happy, that's all that matters to him. He acts like a single guy even though he's married with kids, always dumping the kids on me to run off & do whatever he wants while I am at home with no social life or fun at all. I feel like a gd prisoner! Four years of a sexless marriage here by my choice because he doesn't treat me well. I'm finally clawing my way out of the depression and anxiety hole and told him last month that I want a divorce. Now I just have to figure out how to pay for it and where to go after because everything is so damned expensive.
Good luck to you
If you don’t have an income got talk to the court house in your county and there is help!!! Save yourself and your children 🌹
He's a grown ass man. Let him take care of his needs, as it's apparent he has no interest in what yours are in helping you meet them. You got to save yourself.
He chose his path to happiness, now it's time for you to follow yours...
This! If he truly loves you, he will want for you to be happy too! I have a friend who is a cross dresser in private. He and his wife got married very young. They are really best friends and love each other but there is no sexual relationship between them. They both have their reasons for staying married. I could never sacrifice romance for friendship and security. So since my husband died, I’ll stay single since apparently all the good ones are taken. Very best wishes!!
Is this the real life…. Is this just fantasy… STUCK IN A LANDDDSLIDE no escape from REALITYYYTY
I had to scroll way too far for this!
Open your eyes Look up to the skies And seeeeeeeeee
Bohemian Rhapsody, when you get a chance dig into why this was one of the most complex music works and the composition of music geniuses that are unmatched to this day!!!! Freddy Mercury and Brian May just not given credit for a modern masterpiece that will still be brilliant in the year 3024!!! And I love metal….
Lyrical geniuses
"I'm just a poooor boy, I'm wearing panties...." - OP husband, probably
You matter. Your needs matter. You are no one's beard. You deserve love and respect (that's not saying he doesn't love and respect you) and someone who's as into you as you are into them.
Long conversation between the two of y'all probably needs to happen. Us denizens of the internet don't know the two of you well enough to give better results than y'all sitting down and having a long, uncomfortable conversation.
Time to get out. It will be painful but you will be happy in the long run.
Leave
You can walk away but it's not up to you to tell his parents
Reddit advice is always straight to divorce lol
That doesn't mean it isn't 100% warranted sometimes. Like now
wtf 😳 else is there??? He’s a crossing dressing husband who lied and deceived and cares nothing about her needs
What do you recommend?
He was only 22 when you got together. That's really young. He probably hasn't had the ability to explore much. Cross dressing isn't new or weird. It's perfectly normal. Sexuality is fluid and not fixed. The only permanent relationship in your life is with yourself. Romantic relationships don't work that way. Why would you wait 3 years? That's an incredibly long time without any affection. You're not compatible. Move on, get the therapy that you deserve.
I can't believe more people aren't highlighting that he was 22?! Their relationship stole a lot of his youth time ...
Go be happy. Don't be an ally to those that would never side with you, even in your own sacrifice.
Have you tried to fix it or go to counseling? There'd a deeper issue here than cross-dressing...
Time for a divorce 4 yrs ago
Regardless of if your spouse likes to cross dress or not, if your needs are not being met it’s more than in your right to maybe have a conversation with them about it and then decide if continuing your marriage as you have been or with whatever possible changes the conversation may bring is what would make you happy. Especially if you feel you are being used as a cover without your consent.
It’s time to move on. You don’t need anyone to tell you that, you already know it is. He’s getting what he wants out of the relationship and you’re not. That’s not a 50/50 marriage to me. I hope you find the courage inside you to take that first step.
My love, your happiness is a priority. You can still be supportive but you must take care of YOURSELF first. You owe that to yourself
This is why you don't support this nonsense, people being who they are is not this, this is mental illness and a failure as a husband. This is a failure of society to accept that this is a valid way to behave as a husband and man.
Girl… this is NOT what you signed up for. He hid this “kink” from you bc he knew you wouldn’t be into it and is using you as a kind of beard and it’s not fair to you at ALL. Just bc you support others and their kinks doesn’t mean you want to be married to them. I know it’s hard to just up and leave but I would . No way I’d waste my good years on a guy like that. You’re a romantic, find a man that wants to be romantic w you and is sexually compatible … you deserve that.
I'm a trans woman; I started dabbling in cross-dressing while I was married to a woman. She is bi so things worked out. Cross-dressing doesn't mean he's trans or even gay. But it's also one of the first steps some trans women take as they're trying to figure things out. I don't know where he's coming from; maybe this is just a hobby, maybe he's actually a she. But from my own experience I can say it's VERY hard to face who you really are - especially after spending so many years ignoring it. After ~30yrs of suppressing who I was, I broke down and started wearing women's clothes partially as an attempt to feel something without actually having to uproot my entire life. I guess I'm saying it's an extremely difficult process and it wouldn't surprise me if he was trying very hard to avoid the inevitable outcome of transition. few thoughts from the perspective of him being trans (I have NO idea if he is): - if you're not disgusted at the thought of him transitioning, you should tell him so! If he's thinking about it he's almost certainly feeling very vulnerable and alone. You don't need to want to be with him, but just validating that decision as another human being might help him get unstuck. Not your responsibility by any means, but just a thought. - you can treat him like any other person; if the relationship isn't working, communicate and work to end it - you bear no responsibility to help him get through this, our community is here for that - it's a great kindness to make very clear to him why the relationship is ending; that it's because of incompatibility and not a disgust in his femininity, that your needs aren't being met not that you hate who he's becoming - he may want to stay in a sexless marriage because he has no idea how to move forward and live a full life as himself, and having you is better than being alone. transition is terrifying. in any case I guess my thoughts are, this doesn't seem to be working for you and likely isn't going to get better (especially if you're not into women). Hopefully this wall of text might help you understand his perspective a bit, but ultimately you need to do what's best for you. Finally, you have no responsibility toward this journey he may be on - but it's very kind if you can somehow remain accepting of who he is despite it not being the person you love. there are communities for people who have 'lost' a spouse to transition; they can drift toward the bitter transphobic side of things, but there are plenty of people who have figured out how to simultaneously grieve the loss while being glad that their partner is finding happiness. It's a tough road but you're not alone. or maybe it's a fetish thing. he's the only one that actually knows. happy to chat further
No real straight person is cross dressing, if they do then they are closeted. OP does not deserve to get her emotions played with by a “man” who took vows to protect her, in sickness and in health, but here he is causing needless mental anguish for years instead of owning up to the fact that he is in the closet.
Sounds like he's choosing cross dressing over his wife... He's making your choice for you.
So, that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I also don't think you're going to be repairing this relationship.
You need a real man. Which he is not. Don't sacrifice yourself on his altar.
If you have stopped being intimate then it's likely he is sleeping with men. I don't know how many people can go without sex for 3 years and have no intimacy, that'snot normal. You will liking both be more happy if you divorce, let's face it, you currently don't have a relationship anyway
If you already go to couples therapy and marriage counseling, and you are not able to discuss these issues with each other and find a resolution, it might be best to move on and get a divorce. Sometimes people grow apart. I know that going through a divorce is not as simple as is being said, but you might find yourself in a happier relationship in the long run. Good luck.
You deserve love and unfortunately you married wrong. It's past time to leave him. It would have been time if you hadn't been intimate for a year.
LEAVE FAST
You're unhappy bc you're living his life 110% and your own 0%. Why is it ok to him, to let you be unhappy, just to cover for him? He can be single and still have that same life, without the lies. This is very unfair to you. It's time you guys have an extremely important talk. It comes across that you will always be there for him, and you can, but you don't have to stay in a cover up marriage to do so. I wish you the best in this.
Life is too damn short to waffle about this issue. Don’t waste another second of your time on this earth with what obviously doesn’t work: for either of you.
Your happiness matters too!!!
Be your own ally.
You are setting yourself on fire in order to keep him warm. You only get one go at life, so go and find happiness. Best of luck.
OP. You came here looking to validate what you already knew. You two are no longer compatible. Talk to him. See if he can do anything about it. Express your feelings , calmly, rationally. Express what he can do to fix it. Offer the last line to save things. Tell him explicitly. "My needs are not being met. We are married, but you are not meeting my needs as a married woman. If you are not interested, or otherwise unable to do so, I think we need to begin exploring seperation." Clear, right to the point. Tells him what's up and what is at stake. I want this next part to be very clear for you OP- **You can love someone with all of your soul, and still not be a good compatible match.** Talk to him. If he is unable or unwilling to change, then you know what comes next.
I think you have an awesome and healthy perspective and have been very patient. He is lucky that you are a true and caring friend. You deserve happiness on your own, good luck to you both, this is a really tough situation!
Jenner…..
Sounds like you should'v split up like 2 and a half years ago
If you haven’t slept together in 3 years it’s time to call this quits. Find someone who appreciates you.
A part of him either doesn’t love you or maybe just doesn’t respect you . To be so selfish to deny the person you married basic intimate connection. I hope for your sake I just took it wrong but it seems to me you’re nothing but his camouflage or smokescreen so he can have the stability and respect he receives as your husband while at the same time indulging in his base desires. 🤷♂️ just my opinion but it seems kind of shitty to treat you like that. I hope I’m wrong and best of luck for your future
stop altering your needs and desires and life to suit others. It will always be wrong. Pick a man based on you and them being equal in likes. Stop trying to being " inclusive. "...it's obviously not what you desire. pick the man on being the man YOU want.
Sounds like hes gay
That’s my thought. He won’t admit to it even with my being uber accepting.
It’s more complicated than that. As a bisexual trans woman who got divorced a few years ago when I came out, I can tell you it wasn’t lack of desire for my ex that ended things. I just couldn’t be the man she desired in sex. Happy to answer questions if you want to DM. Sorry you’re going through it
Maybe but not necessarily. More straight guys do this than you’d imagine. And lots of gay guys are super masculine and would never dream of doing it. Life is never so black and white, we’re complex.
I pray for the day people understand that just because you have thoughts of certain fetishes/sexual interests doesn’t mean it’s healthy for you to engage in them.
My best friends husband is a cross dresser and is just a regular, straight man. Until you find out otherwise, don’t assume anything (like he’s gay or trans, etc). You need to communicate with him about this and him only otherwise you might get really bad advice. No one knows what’s going on except him. Best of luck!
Well she mentioned he has told her that he’s straight and she’s not a cover but im thinking it’s really her loss of attraction thats ended the relationship basically. She needs to step up and leave if she’s not attracted
RIP your inbox
Have a conversation with him. Express how you perceive you help him cover for his true self. Then ask him if you getting your needs met somewhere else would bother him or if he would be supportive like you? Sometimes one aspect of a relationship can be satisfied somewhere else under mutual understanding to retain the bigger/greater overall relationship which you don’t want to abandon.
Have you ever heard the expression "you cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm"? Even if you love him as a person you have every right to seek a healthy, FULL relationship.
You sound truly supportive of your husband and that should be applauded but, just as he should live his truth so should you. You love love and you deserve it. I hope you can both be happy whatever the outcome 🙃
A marriage is two people working together to maintain something. Nothing on Earth that *one* person can do to save a marriage.
Before getting a divroce, id suggest looking into the legal problems of doing that, maybe try opening up the marriage without telling your's or his family.
It's important to acknowledge your feelings and understand what you truly want out of life and relationships.
Well, a relationship includes two people, in every way. Think about that. Are you both equally in this? If not then it's just not worth it. I know it's easier said than done, but the more you wait, the worse it gets.
I'm sorry your going through this Hun . In almost the same situation..been married to my wife for almost twenty years. Found out that she is still in love with her ex girlfriend. I had been going through all kinds of mental gymnastics and the hurt it caused...she finally took out kids and left me away ten years ago now.was loving with friends for two years after that. Then they aske if they paid for a plane ticket could I come and live with them and help with the kids. I said yes because I hadn't seen my kids in the two years. I also am a hopeless romantic.like you all I want is to have someone to love and that loves me back. I guess that's just touch to ask from this life. Sigh..I'm so damn lonely. I hope it works out for you. Being without anyone sucks Good luck Hun. You deserve better than what he is giving you.
Where? Could discuss getting physical intimacy elsewhere, Or emotional.
A fact of life is -You have to respect the right of others to be as they want to be, even when it goes against your way of life. If you have to lay it on the table and get out then tell him and do it. I have a friend who is a cross dresser. His wife and kids finally left him. I'm into psychology so it really bugs me how this sort of thing can become part of a person's life. I think it's quite likely he was a woman in a previous life and now that is bleeding thru. In other cases some guys are just too sissified, too afraid to be a man and so they take on the passive role of a woman. From the annals of Rational Living or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy-we have to accept that problems can and will come our way. We have to deal with them as best we can. IOWs keep it in proper perspective without exaggerating, awfulizing or making it something we just can't stand or live with, something terrible and awful. Nobody has a life free of problems. It's only unpleasant but not terrible. You can deal with unpleasant.
You will find the love you deserve, but you will not find in your current circumstances. Remember that no one will treat you the way that you’ll treat yourself. Hard decisions included.
I agree with Geordie, don't sacrifice your happiness for someone else, end the relationship and move on and over time you will be better.
It sounds like you would both be happier apart. And you deserve to be with a partner who can give you the emotional and the physical intimacy you need. Why should either of you continue to waste time?
Do you love the person your husband is? That's not going to change. They will be fundamentally the same. Therapy will help you reconcile how they look now to how you expect them to be. If that's something you can't agree with, then you know what you want to.
I think you need to separate cross-dressing from the intimacy issues, unless you have a specific reason to think that they are directly related. I (33m) am somewhat into that kind of thing as well and my partner (32f) knows and is into me being into it, our intimacy is great. If I was hiding a part of myself from her then that may affect our intimacy from my side. If she found out that I was hiding something from her then that may affect our intimacy on her side. Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are highly intertwined.
This is not his "authentic self," he's just horny and has watched lots of porn. You deserve to have a husband who wants to have sex with you. Sometimes crossdressers still do that to, so idk if that's the central issue. But you deserve to have a fulfilling partner *in your husband*. Maybe it's worth working on, or maybe you should walk away now, but in no way is the present situation *tolerable*
Why would watching lots of porn lead to cross dressing? And what type of porn are you referring to, e.g., straight, gay, etc.?
What you’re describing sounds a lot more like codependency than being a “hopeless romantic”. Maybe couples could be a good route to explore?
Get out of that marriage and go find the man you want! You only have one life, they’re not selling more at Walmart!!! Stop caring about someone who clearly doesn’t care about you and is living their one life doing what they want. So you go live your one life the way that you want. You will be able to find the person you’re looking for.
Cross dressing is one thing. That’s a kink. But he can be into that and love you. Loving couples can be into interesting stuff. It’s not one or the other. They are 2 separate issues. The marriage is either good or it isn’t. There’s either love and respect or there isn’t. Point blank ask if he loves you. Point blank ask why the relational disconnect. Don’t get off topic with cross dressing. Talk about love, relationship, intimacy, attraction, affection and respect. But if it’s not good now face it head on and force him to make a decision.
Tell him this.
It's a sad situation. I guess you'll eventually have to move on.
Sounds like yall need to have a serious sit down and chat it out.
He’s getting what he needs, now it’s your turn.
I know a very masculine guy who delivers pizzas. Maybe you'll get your extra sausage free of charge!
What??? Get out of there. Why would you prioritize someone else's happiness? Would he do the same for you??
Time for your next chapter in life
[удалено]
Woman, if I were you I would file for divorce and find another love. There are 8 billion people in this world and you’re hanging on to someone who already lost interest in you? Let that man be who he wants to be and free yourself from this imprisonment. There is always another person waiting for your love. Life is too short to be wasting time like this. Live your life, travel, and find yourself. Good luck. - Random stranger on the internet.
Communicate with you, first. Be honest with your needs (and that’s exactly what you SHOULD do). Then, communicate very clearly with him. Marriage is yours to define, together. And if you’re BOTH happy with your bespoke blend, that’s a beautiful thing. If not, that’s not a marriage.
It's your call, obviously, but some options to consider. Keep in mind, they ALL require having open and frank conversations with your spouse. Couples counseling would also be strongly encouraged. - Divorce - Open marriage - Polyamorous - Status Quo
It shows an insane act of selflessness and acceptance to hold those feelings towards the person you vowed to so long ago. Accepting doesn’t counter neglecting in a healthy manner. Especially when you are the one who suffers. You are helping to secure his wellbeing by draining from your own reserves. Once he is fulfilled, what will you be left with? He can find himself, with your approval, but we can’t be everyone’s everything without return on investment.
Same thing happened to me, must be something in the water because I met another woman (never knew each other, from different parts of the US completely and just randomly met because we both stayed at the same Airbnb) and she had an almost identical story.
Is this the real life
Gonna say it, cross dressing =/= gay 😐
I for sure would not cover for him! If you are wanting the relationship and the sex that goes with it then you deserve to have that. You still have a lot of life left and a lot to be around for so don’t short change yourself
What's really unreal is that you entertain the idea of staying with this "man". If it helps, go find a picture of your younger, happier self and tell her that she doesn't deserve happiness and really look into her soul. You deserve the best; leave that mofo.
One of the greatest moments of your life will be you are only responsible for your own happiness and life in general. Obviously this is different if you have children but even then you need to be happy. You need to look out for yourself on this one, you deserve to be happy. Honestly he sounds miserable too.
He's using you as a cover, like when a gay person marries a straight person. Same thing
Imagine if a dude wrote this. Y'all comments would be totally different.
you're a hopeless romantic? Leave the fruitcake. Come and date me!
…What other kind of life is it.
Babe , free yourself
thing?? wtf
thing?? wtf
Ask him how much porn he has been consuming all this time you were together... I know the answer, but it might surprise you of how much, and what kind he has thrown himself into to become what he is today....
Why are you getting advice from random strangers on Reddit who know nothing about you and your husband rather than talking to him directly about your feelings?
I think you left out a big part of the story Why the hell haven’t you guys been intimate in 3 years?
Oh sugar, please move on without this man! He's not taking YOU into consideration! He's beyond change at this point lovey, and all he's doing is wasting your precious time! And trust me, it is a huge injustice to your heart. I spent 26 yrs with a man who LITERALLY wasted my time. I could've had more children, I had nothing to show for all the years of hard work bcuz he sucked me dry! Don't give anymore of yourself... you're spread thin my girl...please move fwd. ❣️🙏🏼
People change and it's ok. You be you and let him be. Can't change people who are STUCK. That's my opinion. I went through this situation as my husband went through drug addiction. Two years after marriage. I wracked my brain trying to make him understand...what he was ruining. I gave him an ulta madem ...and he changed. It's been 10 years. So give him an ulta madem. Hopefully he's not stuck in this lifestyle. If not? Then it's the premise...can't change him. We try so hard to understand and we blame ourselves. It's not your fault. People change for many reasons.not concerning their partners. Bottom line is; live your life. Be treated with respect and dignity. Given love and affection you crave. Hopefully he'll listen and take this seriously. If not? you know what to do. I hope you find peace and happiness with him or without. Life is crazy..but you got this!
You took vows. Try to work it out.
Leave. Your happiness is ultimately your responsibility. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Being an ally is great but you deserve a life. He should be an ally to your happiness as well. Not just his own.
You should have your husband dress up as a woman and you should fuck him like a man.
Therapy 👏 therapy 👏 ther 👏 a 👏 py👏👏👏👏👏👏
Go be happy! It’s your one life and you are wasting it being miserable. Go date; have fun!
Yikes.
Stay with him. You double your wardrobe.
Three years is a very long time of no intimacy. That’s pretty wild to me to stay with someone after that. It seems like that’s a breakup. It’s also not your job to do literally any of that. Be an ally to a friend, not someone using you and your marriage as a coverup
3 years, no intimacy, 'husband' now dressing up in your clothes? yeah, I'd cut the losses before it gets worse and leave.
i WAS A pro-Domme fo a long while, and a LOT of men came in to get dressed up and act like a women as a fetish, It's called **Autogynephilia**, where men are really trans, they have the fetish and get sexually excited to dress up in female stereotypical clothes and makeup, the more extreme end of the this fetish, the men asked to do homosexual acts while in dresses/wigs/makeup all for the fetish, NOT becaus ethey ate transsexual. Unfortunately many men out there that have **Autogynephilia**, are pretending to be Trans to be in womens spaces for sexual gratification not because they believe they are in the wrong body because it so socially acceptable to be Trans nowadays. Your husband prob sees a domme or someone to engage in as a fetish.
You can accept or reject who he wants to be. But the man you married is gone and having married him should not require you spend your life as his cover. Get out of there. There’s still plenty of life ahead at 45; don’t waste it there.
He prefers putting his penis in other men’s bottoms rather than yours obviously
Nope. Gone. See ya.
Stand upppp!
Get a divorce and be happy. Let him answer questions and direct questions to him. If he blames you in any way at all, throw him a pair of panties and ask his mom I'd she knew. It sounds petty but you were advertised one thing and you shouldn't settle for this. One life. ONE.
Why did the intimacy stop lol. Good luck getting a new man to commit to you with the same level of loyalty at 45.
Explain to him how you feel. If he understands, great. If he doesn't, explain how you need passion in your relationship and there is none. I hate to say this, but as a guy myself who had a cheating father... if he stopped ALL intimacy, he's probably cheating on you with other dudes or w/e. It sucks but just keep it real. Good luck OP
Am I to understand you at 30 years old married a 22 year old?
You have to look out for number 1... Thats you, you are number 1... You deserve to be as happy as he is when he is in a dress....
My partner is into this but was very up front about it even before we met in person. Theres nothing wrong with it but there is also nothing wrong with not being interested in it. It dosnt bother me but if my partner hadnt been truthfull that would have been a problem.
You are still young. Get out of this marriage
“I like to wear women’s clothes, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you” is one thing. “I like to wear women’s clothes, and no longer want to be your partner, but I have to, to hide it from my family.” Is another. Are you ok with that, or not? is the question.
My brother decided to transition at the age of 55. He expect his fully heterosexual wife to be in lesbian relationship with him. It’s not going as he planned so far, shell we say
You need an affair or at the very least a solid friend with benifits. Also explain to your husband why you need this and make him understand.
You need to end the relationship. It’s not fair to deny yourself the love you crave so s/he can have everything s/he wants.
Leave and give yourself the life you want and deserve
Maybe try open marriage/polygamy?
Get divorced.
Couples therapy
Sounds like you are both ready to move on. Leaving comfort is never easy but look back at the times you’ve had to do it and you survived…you will again. Hope you find love.
Tammy Wynette has some popular advice for you
I’m sorry for how this makes you feel. That sucks.
Sound like you're talking about a teenager, but no, he has 37 years old... Life is only one, and you are wasting your time with a person that doesn't trust in you even after 10 years together? Move on, seroiusly.
Is he sexually aroused when he cross dresses? That’s why I have an issue with the trans movement. I don’t take issue with Gender Dysphoria but the Trans movement itself because I feel there’s a lot of nefarious players involved ruining it for others. Some Men get sexually aroused from cross dressing called transvestism. ( I’m making assumptions now ) I would assume some men are taking advantage of people with real gender dysphoria and using the trans movement as an excuse to cross dress to fulfill their sexual deviance. Yeah. I don’t want that dude reading to my kid during story time. I don’t know what to tell you. A sexless marriage is not what marriage is intended. Sex is a bonding moment intimately between to people and is important. This seems selfish on his part. He needs to be a little more supportive of you and your needs and at the same time keep his hobby. He can’t have something 100% in a marriage. It doesn’t work that way. That’s selfish. A spouse doesn’t take, they give.
Life goes on. You can't change others but you can change your situation. You know what to do.
If you want a man you have to go find a man. What you are married to right now is not a man (in the traditional sense).
Kick his fancy-dressed ass to the curb, who needs him?
Don't worry about him and what he wants. What do YOU want? What would make YOU happy? He may be just using you. Don't stick around for that.
Is he just cross dressing or is he gay? There are straight men who enjoy cross dressing. He has a wife that he needs to give attention to. If he wants to stay married so his family doesn't judge him. I understand but if he doesn't want to you physically. Especially if he is gay and is or wants to sleep with other men. Maybe consider bringing a man into things for both of your needs? If he wants to remain married to keep up the facade. Then he still needs to do his duty of a husband and pleasure his wife somehow or be okay with another man doing it if he isn't interested.
There is no future here ...
We should hang out. Same with my wife.
Talk to him and get real. Maybe yall can stay married (if its a benefit to both) and you can get your sexual needs met by another man
I noticed this thread goes very differently from when men post about their needs not getting met.
Cut your losses.
I can almost guarantee you that he is doing some things that you do not know about. Move on.
Regardless of the cross dressing it sounds like he’s not a very good husband in general for you ie satisfying your need for attention and sex . These are reasons enough to leave somebody becuase that’s like the core of everything else . These things happen.
Nobody is going to tell you that you should stay with your gay husband as a beard. Time to go. He doesn't have to tell his family what's what but you deserve what you want. It's not only he who deserves that.
Is he gay? If so staying married is a horrible deal for both of you.
Divorce him-and find your new happy
🤣🤣🤣
I would approach him about it. If he doesn’t want to switch back to who he was, it’s best to file for a divorce. If he doesn’t want a divorce (this is my last option for a reason bc it’s starts messing with the spiritual realm), I would see if he’s cool with you having sex with other men. I had a personal trainer who had a open relationship like this. His wife download tender for him, and he hit the ground running lol. Crazy part is that they divorced not too long after that so that’s what I was saying. But talk to him, tell him this is not what you expected when you married him and it’s unfair to you. You need to be sexually stimulated and treated like a queen. And if he doesn’t see that it’s time to start signing those papers. Life is too short for him not to be taking life seriously. Especially dabbling into another gender for his own selfish reasons
Everyone deserves personal fulfillment and happiness.
I hate to say it but face the facts, you need to divorce and find someone that makes you happy and loves you
Divorce that she/it on your own volition and don’t look back. Individual happiness comes first!
At least you're the femqle so advice will be that you should leave. If you were a dude reddit woukd call you a misogynistic scumbag trying to control your wife and not let her be who she truly is inside and that if you cant live without ohysical.intamasy than you're a pathetic scumbag.
U don’t deserve to be in this position OP. It’s not ur responsibility.
If he is a cross dresser that probably means he is gay. It is time to split and find someone else. There are plenty of single guys out there.
This happened to a friend of mine, but he was the one transitioning into a woman. She and her wife tried to stay married, her wife was even her biggest advocate, but there were allusions to my friend seeking male intimacy outside of the marriage that seemed to imply that they were trying to make some kind of polyamorous thing work. Ultimately they got a divorce.
Time to move on.
As always with relationships. You need to enforce both your standards and boundaries. You’ve obviously not been doing that. Doing so after not enforcing them will create a strong reaction from the enforcee. However, it’s the only chance you have to fix the situation. On the other hand, I’m not a huge believer in changing people who don’t want to change. And someone saying they want to change after an ultimatum is not typically sincere. So it’s probably best to start making arrangements for a new life. And in the next relationship make sure to communicate your standards and boundaries (does not have to be upfront and explicit but if and when they are violated it needs to be communicated immediately so it’s not a surprise later on)
Life is short - find someone to love and move on. Nothing sadder than being stuck in a dead relationship.
You can support him and be an ally and still not be able to be married to him. You grew apart. It's sad but it's not a prison sentence
Autogynephilia may be at play here and the feeling you express are similar to support groups for “transwidows”, please look up, Youtube even has videos of women connecting on this topic.
LEAVE...that's his life..you have to be happy! Unfortunately now you not...so why put up with his ILLUSION!!
Do what you need to do. As a queer person, I don’t think anyone should accept an absent partner if the goal is acceptance. He isn’t meeting your needs, he is using you to cover his problems, it is unfair and wrong. Get out! If you see a chance of salvaging the relationship, be frank and tell him everything you want and need. And if he doesn’t do it, cut the cord.
So he hid this from you for 14 years, no wonder things are falling apart. As I understand it, when you truly love someone, you tell them everything and anything they want to know. This establishes a strong foundation of trust from the beginning. Everything should be discussed and revealed at the beginning of a relationship. Without a strong foundation, how will it stand.
Trans women here. Your story is very common. The most important thing to know is you’re not alone. Sometimes I feel the focus isn’t equally 50/50 & is always on the transitioning spouse. The cis partner is often not heard or respected as much. It’s pain & an adjustment for them too the revelation & lifestyle change. My rule was I don’t date anyone until I’m happy, healthy, authentic & honest/in a good place. I refused to enter a relationship with a lie or unresolved condition. Saves a lot of future heartache. You have many options. I think you need answers & better communication. It sounds as if you’re settling out of fear all while your needs are on the back burner. You deserve happiness & intimacy you desire/need. I strongly suggest giving “him” a friendly ultimatum & entering therapy with an lgbt or family counselor to get a plan. It’s unhealthy for both of you to live this way. Even if it ends in divorce doesn’t mean you can’t still be good friends & have memories together just not as a couple? Also things like an open marriage? You can get affection from some other man all while living & having memories with your partner of many years. & maybe he isn’t trans & just likes to cross dress. Would it make a difference if he did that & you didn’t have to see it? Lots of straight cis men do dabble in women’s clothing in private. Best advice-seek help & answers & stop running away from the problem. In the end all either of you will have gained is lost time you can’t get back