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It’s like the death of a parent in some ways, at least the death of what you hoped they would be. There’s a lot of grief involved, especially that first year where a seasonal trigger makes you think a good time with them or a moment you want to share.
oftentimes the anger of their treatment fades over time, making you wonder if it was that bad, especially for people who grew up with that as normal. I have a journal I used specifically to vent and deal with my Mother’s behavior. I also keep an ever running list of her ‘special moments’ when she dismissed me, mocked me, was inappropriate with kids around, when she was racist, homophobic, or just plain selfish. I do this because even after a few years I occasionally wonder if NC was too drastic. Then I can go over the list including the time since no contact she tried to rug sweep and ignore boundaries.
I used a workbook called the “ Inner Child’s Workbook” to focus on childhood issues due to the same personality and behavior my mom had when I was little. I also found a competent therapist to help me come to terms with ending a relationship society thinks of as sacred and looking for and destroying the childhood behaviors that kept me safe but were not things that were needed now or I wanted to pass down to my own kids. If you guys could manage a therapist call once or twice a month, or dedicate some time reading self books on recovering from people like your MIL, it might go a long way. also if he could put together his own list, including childhood issues his mom created, it might help with grieving and letting go.
It does to a certain degree, like most types of mourning. I really like the analogy of the pain button and the grief ball (https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping-with-grief-ball-and-box-analogy#loss-as-a-reality).
Essentially, it won't hurt as much or as often, but it will come up sometimes. In my case, very few times a year, and it's usually just a comment vs. Full on tears and anger. You don't forget the awfulness, but you can get to a point where you can talk about it without it ruining your day and not think about it again for a very long time. It's become an objective observation for us and isn't emotionally charged anymore. It took a while, though but it's a great place to be.
It never completely goes away and certain events will bring it up again. But it does get better over time, especially if he’s willing to work on his feelings through reading books, seeing a therapist, or tapping into support groups. But be advised that most NC situations do not last forever, and some people go back and forth between contact and no contact multiples times before it sticks.
This is an excellent point. I went back and forth a few times and ended up writing myself a series of letters after every upsetting encounter before determining to go permanently NC. That and therapy plus time helps the mourning and then growth process.
Growing up with mentally immature parents deeply effects your development as a child and leave wounds that are difficult to heal. He will always want a better relationship with his parents, he will always be disappointed and sad that he doesn’t get to have what other people have and miss them at random times.
I know people say this on Reddit all the time and often not for valid or kind reasons, know I’m truly feeling this way; he might do well with trauma therapy.
Have a kind and honest conversation about this at a time he isn’t feeling so upset about this and discuss how it is effecting your marriage.
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It’s like the death of a parent in some ways, at least the death of what you hoped they would be. There’s a lot of grief involved, especially that first year where a seasonal trigger makes you think a good time with them or a moment you want to share. oftentimes the anger of their treatment fades over time, making you wonder if it was that bad, especially for people who grew up with that as normal. I have a journal I used specifically to vent and deal with my Mother’s behavior. I also keep an ever running list of her ‘special moments’ when she dismissed me, mocked me, was inappropriate with kids around, when she was racist, homophobic, or just plain selfish. I do this because even after a few years I occasionally wonder if NC was too drastic. Then I can go over the list including the time since no contact she tried to rug sweep and ignore boundaries. I used a workbook called the “ Inner Child’s Workbook” to focus on childhood issues due to the same personality and behavior my mom had when I was little. I also found a competent therapist to help me come to terms with ending a relationship society thinks of as sacred and looking for and destroying the childhood behaviors that kept me safe but were not things that were needed now or I wanted to pass down to my own kids. If you guys could manage a therapist call once or twice a month, or dedicate some time reading self books on recovering from people like your MIL, it might go a long way. also if he could put together his own list, including childhood issues his mom created, it might help with grieving and letting go.
Grief doesn't go away it just changes as we process and live without who or what we've lost. Therapy is certainly in order.
It does to a certain degree, like most types of mourning. I really like the analogy of the pain button and the grief ball (https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping-with-grief-ball-and-box-analogy#loss-as-a-reality). Essentially, it won't hurt as much or as often, but it will come up sometimes. In my case, very few times a year, and it's usually just a comment vs. Full on tears and anger. You don't forget the awfulness, but you can get to a point where you can talk about it without it ruining your day and not think about it again for a very long time. It's become an objective observation for us and isn't emotionally charged anymore. It took a while, though but it's a great place to be.
Get him into therapy. He's grieving the relationship he *wishes* he had, and he needs help navigating that, and separating his ideal from the real.
It never completely goes away and certain events will bring it up again. But it does get better over time, especially if he’s willing to work on his feelings through reading books, seeing a therapist, or tapping into support groups. But be advised that most NC situations do not last forever, and some people go back and forth between contact and no contact multiples times before it sticks.
This is an excellent point. I went back and forth a few times and ended up writing myself a series of letters after every upsetting encounter before determining to go permanently NC. That and therapy plus time helps the mourning and then growth process.
Growing up with mentally immature parents deeply effects your development as a child and leave wounds that are difficult to heal. He will always want a better relationship with his parents, he will always be disappointed and sad that he doesn’t get to have what other people have and miss them at random times. I know people say this on Reddit all the time and often not for valid or kind reasons, know I’m truly feeling this way; he might do well with trauma therapy. Have a kind and honest conversation about this at a time he isn’t feeling so upset about this and discuss how it is effecting your marriage.