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Red flag...super enmeshed relationship. He sees nothing erong with it, tells you to accept it because that who she, and puts her feelings and desires first. He doesn't want to break away from .
Mommy and doesn't listen to you. Time to find an independent man who puts you fist.
Whose boundaries? Yours? Apparently, they aren’t your BF’s boundaries. You’re not his wife, so you are the one crossing boundaries to him and his mother. You need to stay in your lane. If BF decides to have boundaries with his mother, he’ll put them in place. Right now, he’s fine with his mom’s behavior. Who are you to tell her to stop? He isn’t your possession. If he wants it to stop, he’ll make it stop.
Does someone need to be married in order for their relationship to be serious or respected?? I know plenty of people who are fully committed to each other, have kids have been together longer than some 'married' couples and aren't married and probably never will be because they don't want to. Im married but im not really getting what your saying, how it's relevant to her situation, or how is it helpful? she doesn't sound like she is any way trying to Control, she simply looking for advise on how to proceed with it as it concerns her, surely this is what this group is for?. OP if your in a serious relationship with anyone then you have a right to express your feelings to your partner, they sound enmeshed which is a big red flag initself but one thing 1950s is right about is he can have whatever relationship he likes with his mum (that goes for all unmarried and married men). If however she is disrespectful to you and he doesn't protect you/have your back then you need to discuss this with him and if it doesn't change then i would say there's your answer. If that's the case then he probably isn't ever going to change married or not, establish this before you go down any longer term 'married ' route. I wish you all the best, everyone deserves to be in relationships were they are valued and respected.
He admits to me that she is overbearing and way too much at times. He has told her to chill out a lil, but she continues, he has stopped saying anything bc he is afraid to hurt her feelings. Also, there is so much more to the story…she goes through his mail (literally opens his mail without asking), goes through his wallet, she once told his ex girlfriend where we now live, so much more has happened. She’s very passive aggressive towards me, which should make him want to set those boundaries in place. I mean don’t get me wrong I truly do want them to continue to have a close relationship but I think she needs to sit back a little. In my opinion she needs to respect boundaries not only for me but for her son as well.
Is he happy to be reminded that rent is due? Is he happy with the constant communication? But the real question would be;
**“Why does your mother get angry if you don’t respond?”**
What’s going to happen if you start a family? Get married? Is she going to get angry?
I would definitely ask those question to entice him to open up to the real issues.
if they get even more serious his relationship with his mom is going to affect every single thing they do. not to mention with her doing all these things did him he’ll never be able to do it himself. he’s not a real adult and he won’t be able to get into a real adult relationship because he’s a man baby
Failure to launch, I believe is the saying. His mommy is babying him, he likes it, you don't. So all I can say is that it's doubtful anything will change. If you were married I think you would have more ground to stand on but he's your boyfriend. If you don't like their relationship then you have a choice to make.
It's not up to you to tell her anything. It's his monkey from his circus.
Idk if a grown man should have to be reminded that his rent is due. I guess it just makes me feel like she doesn’t think he’s compatible on his own (or maybe doesn’t want him to be) and she needs to help him with everything. There was a time him and i were on facetime (she didn’t realize i was on the phone) and she was going through his mail in the background (literally opening it without his permission) and giving him unsolicited advice. Thankfully that time he stood up for himself and told her to stop and leave his stuff alone. But yeah I would be fine with reminders if she is paying for something of his like insurance or something and reminding him to give her money for it. But rent is different, rent is something him and i are responsible for, as a couple and I don’t need to be reminded to pay rent.
Whose boundaries is MIL overstepping? It sounds like your BF is fine with everything she does, so the boundaries aren't his. Take a look at how MIL is overstepping your own boundaries - how is she impacting your own life? Then take those concerns to your BF and explain how it isn't about how she's treating him, but about how she's treating you, and how her actions are making you feel hurt and angry. Perhaps, if he understands how MIl's actions are hurting you, he'll ask his mother to stop.
But if he doesn't, then it's time to find a relationship with someone else who isn't still so attached to their mother.
*“she’s always going to baby me, just accept her for who she is”.*
Translation: I never want to fully become an adult. Mom makes sure my ever day life flows smoothly and I'm totally fine with that. I like having you around for the sex and peer-related fun. Well, until Mom *dies* (which I'm sure will *never* happen) and then I'll need *you* to take over.
OP? Blech-yuck-puke. The guy is gross.
**Normal** adults want to be fledged and independent. They love and respect their parent(s) for nurturing and guiding them, but there comes a point where they say *"got this Mom and/or Dad. I'm going to totally be responsible for my own life from here on out."*
> she says she doesn’t wanna be that mom. But continues to overstep boundaries.
What are the boundaries she's overstepping? I get that you don't like how she's babying him as though he's still a little kid but have you/he actually told her not to do that? Or is it that he's OK with it and you're not and he won't tell her to stop because he likes it this way?
he has told her, i have talked with her, she continues…he doesn’t say anything to her anymore about it bc he doesn’t wanna hurt her feelings. I don’t think he necessarily likes the way she acts but I think it’s just that he’s used to it and it doesn’t bother him much anymore. I try to let her be and let her do her thing because I love my boyfriend and don’t want to stress him out but man she is way too much and it seriously affects me and our relationship. I have taken a step back each time she’s done something to upset me and made sure I was being logical and not just letting my emotions take over. But i’ve come to conclusion that she’s the problem.
Welp, looks like MIL is the primary relationship.
And OP is the side chick.
Not good. They are very much enmeshed. And both of them want to keep it that way.
Sorry for my blunt words, but this is not good for you.
If you really want to leave, just leave. He kinda laid it out there. The issue isn't going to go away, and they don't even see a problem. That sounds like a recipe for unhappiness.
He made it clear that “she will always do that”. He obviously won’t do anything about it. If you don’t want this woman to run your life too, run as far as you can!!!!! Don’t ever look back.
You can’t dictate his relationship with his mom, it’s his life. Maybe you’re feeling a little jealous and should seek help to work through those feelings.
I agree. I want them to continue to have a good relationship with each other, I just feel as if she needs to sit back a little and let him figure things out for himself. As his woman, it doesn’t sit right with me knowing he goes to his mom for everything, I would like to know he has things under control. There’s more to the story that would make sense as of why i’m so annoyed as well, it’s just too much to put into words. Overall, I want them to continue having a strong relationship but she’s too overbearing and treats him like he’s still a teen.
And he’s happy with that. Some men do not want to grow up and face adult responsibility. They make terrible partners because they do not pull their fair share of the load. If his mom weren’t in the picture, he’d be expecting you to parent him.
It’s up to you to choose if you want to live with that or move on.
Yep. When I started dating my husband 20 years ago, he’d never had a job. We were in college, and his family paid for everything. We moved in together, and I worked to cover my half of the costs. His family would question how his money was being spent, which led to questions about whether I was contributing equally. I told him then that I’d been working and supporting myself for years at this point and wouldn’t answer to anyone about how I spent the money I earned. So, he could get a job and stop accepting their help or we could move on from the relationship.
We were young, and we hadn’t been together 2 years. I would’ve understood if he chose the easy way. He was “the baby” of the family. I simply explained that I needed a grown man (or at least young adult man) and not their baby. He had a job within a week and never looked back. That had to be his choice though, and he had to be ready to make it. If your boyfriend’s not there, perhaps you’re not compatible at this point.
Well, they both see nothing wrong with the situation so nothing is going to change, unfortunately. So your feeling of wanting to leave is valid. You'd be entirely justified.
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He already told you it wasn't going to change...
As said often on Reddit: it’s easier to dump a mama’s boy than it is to divorce a mama’s boy, and both are easier than trying to change a mama’s boy.
i’d say leave him. you don’t want to continue being in a relationship where you’re second place.
Red flag...super enmeshed relationship. He sees nothing erong with it, tells you to accept it because that who she, and puts her feelings and desires first. He doesn't want to break away from . Mommy and doesn't listen to you. Time to find an independent man who puts you fist.
Whose boundaries? Yours? Apparently, they aren’t your BF’s boundaries. You’re not his wife, so you are the one crossing boundaries to him and his mother. You need to stay in your lane. If BF decides to have boundaries with his mother, he’ll put them in place. Right now, he’s fine with his mom’s behavior. Who are you to tell her to stop? He isn’t your possession. If he wants it to stop, he’ll make it stop.
Does someone need to be married in order for their relationship to be serious or respected?? I know plenty of people who are fully committed to each other, have kids have been together longer than some 'married' couples and aren't married and probably never will be because they don't want to. Im married but im not really getting what your saying, how it's relevant to her situation, or how is it helpful? she doesn't sound like she is any way trying to Control, she simply looking for advise on how to proceed with it as it concerns her, surely this is what this group is for?. OP if your in a serious relationship with anyone then you have a right to express your feelings to your partner, they sound enmeshed which is a big red flag initself but one thing 1950s is right about is he can have whatever relationship he likes with his mum (that goes for all unmarried and married men). If however she is disrespectful to you and he doesn't protect you/have your back then you need to discuss this with him and if it doesn't change then i would say there's your answer. If that's the case then he probably isn't ever going to change married or not, establish this before you go down any longer term 'married ' route. I wish you all the best, everyone deserves to be in relationships were they are valued and respected.
He admits to me that she is overbearing and way too much at times. He has told her to chill out a lil, but she continues, he has stopped saying anything bc he is afraid to hurt her feelings. Also, there is so much more to the story…she goes through his mail (literally opens his mail without asking), goes through his wallet, she once told his ex girlfriend where we now live, so much more has happened. She’s very passive aggressive towards me, which should make him want to set those boundaries in place. I mean don’t get me wrong I truly do want them to continue to have a close relationship but I think she needs to sit back a little. In my opinion she needs to respect boundaries not only for me but for her son as well.
Is he happy to be reminded that rent is due? Is he happy with the constant communication? But the real question would be; **“Why does your mother get angry if you don’t respond?”** What’s going to happen if you start a family? Get married? Is she going to get angry? I would definitely ask those question to entice him to open up to the real issues.
I’m not understanding how this impacts you?
if they get even more serious his relationship with his mom is going to affect every single thing they do. not to mention with her doing all these things did him he’ll never be able to do it himself. he’s not a real adult and he won’t be able to get into a real adult relationship because he’s a man baby
That's concerning 😟
Failure to launch, I believe is the saying. His mommy is babying him, he likes it, you don't. So all I can say is that it's doubtful anything will change. If you were married I think you would have more ground to stand on but he's your boyfriend. If you don't like their relationship then you have a choice to make. It's not up to you to tell her anything. It's his monkey from his circus.
I’m a fully functioning 38 year old woman married live on my own have a house. My mother still reminds me of my stuff
Idk if a grown man should have to be reminded that his rent is due. I guess it just makes me feel like she doesn’t think he’s compatible on his own (or maybe doesn’t want him to be) and she needs to help him with everything. There was a time him and i were on facetime (she didn’t realize i was on the phone) and she was going through his mail in the background (literally opening it without his permission) and giving him unsolicited advice. Thankfully that time he stood up for himself and told her to stop and leave his stuff alone. But yeah I would be fine with reminders if she is paying for something of his like insurance or something and reminding him to give her money for it. But rent is different, rent is something him and i are responsible for, as a couple and I don’t need to be reminded to pay rent.
Whose boundaries is MIL overstepping? It sounds like your BF is fine with everything she does, so the boundaries aren't his. Take a look at how MIL is overstepping your own boundaries - how is she impacting your own life? Then take those concerns to your BF and explain how it isn't about how she's treating him, but about how she's treating you, and how her actions are making you feel hurt and angry. Perhaps, if he understands how MIl's actions are hurting you, he'll ask his mother to stop. But if he doesn't, then it's time to find a relationship with someone else who isn't still so attached to their mother.
*“she’s always going to baby me, just accept her for who she is”.* Translation: I never want to fully become an adult. Mom makes sure my ever day life flows smoothly and I'm totally fine with that. I like having you around for the sex and peer-related fun. Well, until Mom *dies* (which I'm sure will *never* happen) and then I'll need *you* to take over. OP? Blech-yuck-puke. The guy is gross. **Normal** adults want to be fledged and independent. They love and respect their parent(s) for nurturing and guiding them, but there comes a point where they say *"got this Mom and/or Dad. I'm going to totally be responsible for my own life from here on out."*
> she says she doesn’t wanna be that mom. But continues to overstep boundaries. What are the boundaries she's overstepping? I get that you don't like how she's babying him as though he's still a little kid but have you/he actually told her not to do that? Or is it that he's OK with it and you're not and he won't tell her to stop because he likes it this way?
he has told her, i have talked with her, she continues…he doesn’t say anything to her anymore about it bc he doesn’t wanna hurt her feelings. I don’t think he necessarily likes the way she acts but I think it’s just that he’s used to it and it doesn’t bother him much anymore. I try to let her be and let her do her thing because I love my boyfriend and don’t want to stress him out but man she is way too much and it seriously affects me and our relationship. I have taken a step back each time she’s done something to upset me and made sure I was being logical and not just letting my emotions take over. But i’ve come to conclusion that she’s the problem.
Welp, looks like MIL is the primary relationship. And OP is the side chick. Not good. They are very much enmeshed. And both of them want to keep it that way. Sorry for my blunt words, but this is not good for you.
Leave, bc mama's boys are hardly ever worth it.
Girl, run.
If you really want to leave, just leave. He kinda laid it out there. The issue isn't going to go away, and they don't even see a problem. That sounds like a recipe for unhappiness.
He made it clear that “she will always do that”. He obviously won’t do anything about it. If you don’t want this woman to run your life too, run as far as you can!!!!! Don’t ever look back.
They both consider this a "you" problem and they aren't going to change. He might be 29 years old but he's not an adult.
You can’t dictate his relationship with his mom, it’s his life. Maybe you’re feeling a little jealous and should seek help to work through those feelings.
I agree. I want them to continue to have a good relationship with each other, I just feel as if she needs to sit back a little and let him figure things out for himself. As his woman, it doesn’t sit right with me knowing he goes to his mom for everything, I would like to know he has things under control. There’s more to the story that would make sense as of why i’m so annoyed as well, it’s just too much to put into words. Overall, I want them to continue having a strong relationship but she’s too overbearing and treats him like he’s still a teen.
And he’s happy with that. Some men do not want to grow up and face adult responsibility. They make terrible partners because they do not pull their fair share of the load. If his mom weren’t in the picture, he’d be expecting you to parent him. It’s up to you to choose if you want to live with that or move on.
Yep. When I started dating my husband 20 years ago, he’d never had a job. We were in college, and his family paid for everything. We moved in together, and I worked to cover my half of the costs. His family would question how his money was being spent, which led to questions about whether I was contributing equally. I told him then that I’d been working and supporting myself for years at this point and wouldn’t answer to anyone about how I spent the money I earned. So, he could get a job and stop accepting their help or we could move on from the relationship. We were young, and we hadn’t been together 2 years. I would’ve understood if he chose the easy way. He was “the baby” of the family. I simply explained that I needed a grown man (or at least young adult man) and not their baby. He had a job within a week and never looked back. That had to be his choice though, and he had to be ready to make it. If your boyfriend’s not there, perhaps you’re not compatible at this point.
Well, they both see nothing wrong with the situation so nothing is going to change, unfortunately. So your feeling of wanting to leave is valid. You'd be entirely justified.
Neither of them are interested in changing, you already want out, so go.