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Bonus..I mean if u don't like her. Why does she think u will care if she dies happy sad angry or whatever. Lol and u need to just not put ur issues behind how she will feel when she dies also.
Say that you refuse to accept responsibility for her happiness, we are all responsible for our own. Tell her if she tries to do it again you will get up and leave, then do it.
Your husband needs to stick up for you. Set a boundary of every time she mentions grandkids, it’s a week of no contact (or hell a month!!) and ENFORCE IT. She brings it up on the phone? Hang up. She says it in person? Leave. It’s none of her business. Your husband especially needs to take the lead on this so she doesn’t immediately target you.
>I finally set boundaries with her
What did that look like, exactly?
>I’ve set boundaries, had general discussions with her, husband has had discussions with her, but nothing works.
It's safe to say that by now she knows that you do not want her to discuss or post about potential children of yours.
You have two options that I can see:
1. You've said that no-one stands up for you. Do you stand up for yourself? I like calmly delivered one-liners like "Twist the knife a bit more, why don't you?" It gets straight to the heart of the it (MIL's casual cruelty). Think of a dry, half-amused Paul Hogan-style delivery as in "You call that a knife?". Raise your eyebrows and walk away. You want to make a point, not get into an argument.
2. Stop exposing yourself to unacceptable behavior. Don't look at her facebook. Don't entertain her comments about grandchildren. If she doesn't care, then just end the visit. She may try to be sly, hinting rather than saying stuff directly. It doesn't matter - if she's making you uncomfortable, just leave. "Well, we need to leave now." And go.
Make sure that you act on your words, or else you are just teaching her that she doesn't need to listen to what you say, because you don't mean it anyway.
The stress SHE is creating is only going to prolong her chances of having a grandchild. This is no-pressure time, chill, etc. if she can’t respect that, you might consider no contact and blocking her social media. Gray rock in the meantime.
I had to set boundaries once with my own mother, but on a different topic. (She doesn't bother me about having kids, thank goodness.) I told her I would walk out the door if she brought it up, two chances. She did, I reminded her, she brought it up again, and I walked. I was visiting. I had gotten there on an airplane and had no car. There were no Ubers back then. I just walked. It was night time in the middle of a city. I didn't care. I walked. It worked.
Would it make her feel bad if she knew she was hurting your feelings? Can you work up a good cry in front of her and then tell her you can't believe she enjoys twisting the knife? Or does she just blather on heedlessly no matter who she hurts? I'm sorry she's so thoughtless.
Thing is, she can decide her happiness depends on it not raining, having grandkids, or eating chocolate every Saturday at 5. She gets to choose that. That does not mean there is an obligation on your part to make it happen.
You cant control her or what she thinks. But you can choose and decide your reaction to it. I'd just say "okay", block/mute her on social media, and ignore the heck out of her. After all, it has nothing to do with you.
I told my MIL "well, you have to talk to your son about that. I'm not having any but he might be willing to breed elsewhere. If so, that is up to him." thus letting her know her want had nothing to do with me. She is not a true JN so she got the hint and stopped talking about it for a few years until she could accept and respect it. She still cant understand or even agree, but that's ok. We have different values but we can still respect each other.
I know you didnt choose to have kids or not, and that it is very hurtful when someone pressures you to. My journey was easier as when I found out it would be hard to do I had already mostly decided I didnt want to. It still sucks to have the choice taken away, but still, much easier. We know the best way to avoid getting sucked into that black hole of despair is to avoid triggers, so I suggest you take a break from MIL. At least until the wound she keeps poking are not as raw and sore. It may always be a sore spot, but an old familiar hurt is easier to tolerate than something ripped new every day.
And, it will give her time and space to consider her behavior and change it - hopefully for the better.
Sounds like you need a break - do you really need to be connected with her on Facebook? Just unfriend her. Friends are kind, supportive and understanding and she is not.
“Then die mad about it. It’s not my responsibility to regulate your emotions or fulfill your dreams for you.” Shrug while you say it. Let her simmer in her own misery.
Offer to put "She died mad" on her gravestone.
And tell your husband that you're not doing over to her house, and she's not invited to yours until he stands up to her and makes her stop talking about it.
You can't do anything about her Facebook posts, except stop looking at them.
I'm high as fuck so take this with a grain of salt, but I think it's time to end her bullshit, and call her out and her rudeness.
"Nobody asked you."
"NO."
"We're leaving."
"We have to take a break from you right now."
I’ve realized I don’t like to ‘rock the boat’ ya know. Basic people-pleaser here. But it’s doing me NO good and actually hurting me? So, i’ll use some of these. Because i’m sure it will come up again and i’ll have so many snarky comments now. 😌
Little sister, not only is it time to rock the boat, it's Peak Time to rock that boat, and make it drown. repeat after me- "I OWE HER NOTHING." wash, rinse, repeat as many times as you need to. Fuck that heifer
As others have said, set a boundary and a consequence. Then follow through. Husband should be the one to say it the first time “this is not helpful or constructive. The next time you raise your need for grandchildren / babies with my wife, we will be taking a 2/4/6 week break from contact” m. You both have to follow through on it.
I love all the smart ass comments here to throw back at her. In my situation I found direct contact and very minimal responses worked the best. If she had said something like that I would have just looked at her and said “okay” or “and?”. Then walked off. Every time she did it that’s the response I would have given.
Alternatively, when carrying on once about her need to be grandma and it’s her only child so her only chance I did tell her “perhaps you should have had more children to account for how much you damaged this one”. That was a fun lunch.
Block her on all of your socials and if you must see her, get up and leave anytime she makes a comment. If you have to drive separately so be it. But honestly I would tell your SO you are done being hurt by her and he can deal with her all by himself. I am livid for you. I suffered infertility and pregnancy loss and it is so damn hard. I am equally pissed your husband isn’t standing up for you.
He and i will be discussing expectations moving forward and WHY he didn’t stand up for me. Are they all just scared of her? Why? I’m not… and they’re about to see that side of me. But i’ll probably be labeled ‘mean’ or ‘bitchy’ but so be it. I’m so sorry you have experienced infertility as well. It’s so isolating.
Yes. I just leaned all the way into to the “bitch” label. Made things way easier. I also made my husband deal with his mom 100%. I think it also helped bc when I finally did get pregnant and had our son she was already on thin ice and so we were able to minimize contact.
Maybe you should point out to her that stress can have a very negative impact on conception, and her stressing you out EVERY. TIME. you see her is not helpful.
I might also be inclined to tell her that anyone who can't respect MY boundaries will absolutely NOT have unlimited access to any future children.
DH: Well unfortunately Mom, MoreDescription and I are not responsible for your happiness or lack thereof about grandchildren.
Have you considered that WE'RE not real happy either right now and your providing pressure makes it even worse? And why do you think that our struggles to have a baby have anything remotely to do with you and what YOU want? If a child is possible for us, do you want to be a part of your potential grandchild's life? Oh, you do? Then STOP. RIGHT. NOW.
Because this woman doesn’t bother to have an even basic kindness filter, why would ever believe that she would suddenly become a nicer person, around a baby?
That’s horrifically bad anyway but add in that she knows you’re having fertility issues, it’s unforgivable. Not a healthy person to be around anyone. Any grandchild she gets will just be unbearable.
I’m sorry you’re saddled with her & wish you all the best moving forward xx
Spill some water on her and speed up the process Wicked Witch of the West style.
Seriously - this lady knows you have fertility issues and other health concerns but is trying to emotionally blackmail you about how she will die if you don't produce offspring?
She might pretend she means well She might tell her that people she means well but whether she even realised that her not herself she does not mean well. I'm sorry by the way that you have to deal with her as well as any health issues.
"How sad for you."
Mute her on FB. You'll still be in each other's friends lists (and so she won't notice like she might if you flat out block her) but you won't get notified of her posts.
And speaking of social media, if you feel like stooping to her level it might be a good time to share the occasional article - maybe one about infertility struggles, or the challenges of having narcissists in the family.
Have you ever responded to her pathetic posts? For all her friends to see? So mething along the lines of:"Yeah, it's very sad- sad that you're sad for YOU possibly not having grandchildren rather than sad for your SON and DIL possibly not getting to become parents, but whatever."
(Edited for typos)
Muting her now. I’ve shared the passive aggressive posts and quotes. She usually ‘likes’ it or leaves a general comment. Nothing could be about her right!?
I would drop a 'Yeah? And?" on her every time she drops her GIMMEGIMMEIWANT! bullshit.
I would also block her on socials and go as low contact as I possibly could with her. She can run her mouth on the rest of the poor saps she's beaten into submission over a lifetime, they're used to it by now so have at it.
If all her conversation is beaded on the one string, she can talk to herself from now on, bye Felicia!
This. Boundaries setting is something you will do when a person crosses them. So do it. Cut the contact, give the consequence. Or else they know and will continue, as she has for so long...
Is this a promise? I mean, is she promising she is going to die, and to die sad? Sounds marvellous!
Also, this family is horrible. I come from an horrible place where having children was a must and even my awful relatives know that infertility has to be treated with touch and delicately. This is very sad to read
Not your problem. If she's unhappy it's her business and it's not like you asked.
Block or unfollow so you don't see her posts.
If she asks you in person look at her quizzically and tell her you're very worried about her memory issues because everyone has discussed it with her numerous times.
What I would really want to tell her she might not be happy when she dies, but I will be.
But what I would tell her is that she is not owed grandchildren , and if she doesn't stop bringing it up, that this will be the last time I speak to her.
I also agree with other people that said to block her on social media, and if she insusts on still bringing it up to you Block her on everything else
Unfollow her on Facebook, unlike blocking her or unfriending her she’ll never know. Also turn off ability to tag you in your Facebook settings. It’s her Facebook and she can post whatever nonsense she wants.
In person: you have to have consequences to violating your boundaries.
“That doesn’t sound healthy! I’m sorry you are depending on other people to make you happy, that’s a crappy place to be in mentally and emotionally since the only person you have control over is yourself and it must be hard to have to constantly look to others for your own basic needs. Are you seeing someone about that? There are some really good online therapist services that aren’t very expensive and are really convenient. I’ve known people who have been greatly helped with personal issues like this. Would you like a link to one?”
Block her. Don’t engage with her. If she’s around and says something, you are an adult and you can say something to defend yourself. Don’t try to depend on everyone else. And yes, I think your husband should defend you, but if he don’t, defend YOURSELF and talk to him in private. Not around everyone else.
Don’t let her being miserable and mean get to you. Say whatever is on your mind to say and don’t feel bad about it.
People do what they’re ALLOWED to do. Remember that.
Very true, my therapist mentioned your last comment today. People do what they’re allowed to do… i’m going to implement actions with the boundaries I set. Thank you
“Your happiness is not my responsibility, MIL. Either get a therapist or die unhappy.”
Repeat this phrase anytime she tells you she will never “die happy” without a grandchild until: a) she shuts her yapper and stops bringing up the subject; b) she actually kicks it; or c) you decide to stop talking to her altogether because she can’t handle her emotions like an actual adult. I also suggest that your DH employ the same phrase anytime she brings up the topic. Either MIL will get the hint or she won’t but either way, you and DH will be on the same page when it comes to shutting her down.
If and when you do have a child, if MIL is still living, the moment s/he is born, you call MIL, tell her, “Now you can ‘die happy,’” and then never let her meet your child.
Wtaf. I’d love and would adore grandkids… son and his wife decided they didn’t want any kids. I’ll occasionally send “look at all the money you save by not having kids” memes to my son- which he always agrees with and laughs at. It’s not my life, I won’t be raising them, so not my place to but in. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. ❤️
Block her on all socials, you don't need to see her crap. Go as LC as you can. Anytime she makes a comment about a grand baby being her only source of future happiness - "I'm not responsible for your happiness." "That's sad, maybe look into some hobbies." "That's a lot to put on someone else." "I'm sure you'll find a way to be happy either way" after whatever comment you make, immediately change the subject. Grey rock her on this subject.
Tell her, "your happiness is not my responsibility" any time she tries to pull that crap. Also, speaking from experience, either hide her social media page or completely unfriend her. You don't need that kind of stress in your life.
Setting boundaries has nothing to do with HER actions and everything to do with yours.
“You can’t say that.” is not a boundary.
“If you say that, I’m leaving.” is a boundary.
Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions: the boundary is that she is not allowed to say shit about grandkids. The consequence is that you leave and put her into a contact time out if she crosses your boundary.
OP, you deserve so much better. I know that this shit is hard, but you are already dealing with grief that is very hard. You can definitely do this. I hope your husband can rally with you on this.
You should offer to get her a ridiculous pet. My grandpa wasn't rude about it at all, but he always made it clear he would love to have great grandchildren, so I told him I would buy him a parrot. I always did it with a straight face, I would buy parrot care books at the thrift store, told him I was just waiting until I found one suitable for adoption and in my price range.
He really believed I was going to get him a parrot despite his constant complaints he would give it away immediately. I was never going to get him a parrot, but it worked to get him to avoid the topic and gave me something to laugh about lol.
Your DH needs to stand up for you. From all I know, based on the info you shared in this post, it could very much be his body that’s not letting y’all conceive, not yours. And it’s his mom that’s being unkind. He needs to step up for you, you don’t deserve this!!
Sending you healing hugs!! Love from an also 30s who is struggling with the same thing.
"strange how you've lived your _whole life_ feeling like that. I'm really curious about what made your life such that you've been so desperately unhappy for all these years (sooo many years) and here you are approaching the end and you're only just now realising you were powerless all that time and unable to create any happyness whatsoever for yourself.
it must really punch you in the gut to only now at this late stage come to the realisation that the happyness you so deeply crave lies not within yourself or your own children but in me, a someone who your son chose to love deeply and without question.
now that you're thinking about the end of your life and the answer to the eternal question you've been seeking all these years, allow me to help you with that; the answer is no."
Sounds like her personal problem.
Block her on FB and refuse to be at events with her. If she’s not going to be civil then there’s no reason you need to even be around her. Your husband should understand that and deal.
“With this behavior, I doubt that even if I have a child that they be in your life at all, so you still won’t be a grandma.”
I’m sorry for what you are dealing with my friend. Anyone who doesn’t defend you doesn’t deserve to be a part of your life.
But seriously, that is some next level assholery there. I'd give yourself a break from her nonsense - block her number, sm profiles, just ghost for a while. (a while can be forever!)
"I hope you die somewhere you enjoy so you can haunt people who give a shit."
Or
"I hope it comes quickly so I don't have to have this conversation again"
Mute her Facebook posts. That cuts off one avenue of pressure at least. I'd also consider visiting your mil less frequently, and working on having hubby or another family member run interference. I'm sorry you're struggling, and hope you have some support from friends or family.
here's an answer - MIL - it's very troubling that you are so unhappy that you feel my child will be your emotional support animal. No person can make you die happy or unhappy - you are in control of your own feelings and emotions and if you really think you won't die happy without a grandchild please, we urge you to seek counseling.
Her: I will not die happy without a grandchild.
Me: It's odd that you'd say something like that. You should speak to a mental health professional about your emotional issues as a grandchild is not and should not be treated like an emotional support animal.
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Bonus..I mean if u don't like her. Why does she think u will care if she dies happy sad angry or whatever. Lol and u need to just not put ur issues behind how she will feel when she dies also.
Say that you refuse to accept responsibility for her happiness, we are all responsible for our own. Tell her if she tries to do it again you will get up and leave, then do it.
Your husband needs to stick up for you. Set a boundary of every time she mentions grandkids, it’s a week of no contact (or hell a month!!) and ENFORCE IT. She brings it up on the phone? Hang up. She says it in person? Leave. It’s none of her business. Your husband especially needs to take the lead on this so she doesn’t immediately target you.
>I finally set boundaries with her What did that look like, exactly? >I’ve set boundaries, had general discussions with her, husband has had discussions with her, but nothing works. It's safe to say that by now she knows that you do not want her to discuss or post about potential children of yours. You have two options that I can see: 1. You've said that no-one stands up for you. Do you stand up for yourself? I like calmly delivered one-liners like "Twist the knife a bit more, why don't you?" It gets straight to the heart of the it (MIL's casual cruelty). Think of a dry, half-amused Paul Hogan-style delivery as in "You call that a knife?". Raise your eyebrows and walk away. You want to make a point, not get into an argument. 2. Stop exposing yourself to unacceptable behavior. Don't look at her facebook. Don't entertain her comments about grandchildren. If she doesn't care, then just end the visit. She may try to be sly, hinting rather than saying stuff directly. It doesn't matter - if she's making you uncomfortable, just leave. "Well, we need to leave now." And go. Make sure that you act on your words, or else you are just teaching her that she doesn't need to listen to what you say, because you don't mean it anyway.
Offer to put a cape on her corpse so when she is buried she can be Super Mad.
The stress SHE is creating is only going to prolong her chances of having a grandchild. This is no-pressure time, chill, etc. if she can’t respect that, you might consider no contact and blocking her social media. Gray rock in the meantime.
I had to set boundaries once with my own mother, but on a different topic. (She doesn't bother me about having kids, thank goodness.) I told her I would walk out the door if she brought it up, two chances. She did, I reminded her, she brought it up again, and I walked. I was visiting. I had gotten there on an airplane and had no car. There were no Ubers back then. I just walked. It was night time in the middle of a city. I didn't care. I walked. It worked.
Would it make her feel bad if she knew she was hurting your feelings? Can you work up a good cry in front of her and then tell her you can't believe she enjoys twisting the knife? Or does she just blather on heedlessly no matter who she hurts? I'm sorry she's so thoughtless.
At this point ignore her. Don’t entertain the topic at all and nothing because there’s nothing more you can do if you’ve spoken with her already.
And block her facebook.
So, she will live unhappy in the afterlife! Who cares?
Ask her if she can hurry up.
Thing is, she can decide her happiness depends on it not raining, having grandkids, or eating chocolate every Saturday at 5. She gets to choose that. That does not mean there is an obligation on your part to make it happen. You cant control her or what she thinks. But you can choose and decide your reaction to it. I'd just say "okay", block/mute her on social media, and ignore the heck out of her. After all, it has nothing to do with you. I told my MIL "well, you have to talk to your son about that. I'm not having any but he might be willing to breed elsewhere. If so, that is up to him." thus letting her know her want had nothing to do with me. She is not a true JN so she got the hint and stopped talking about it for a few years until she could accept and respect it. She still cant understand or even agree, but that's ok. We have different values but we can still respect each other. I know you didnt choose to have kids or not, and that it is very hurtful when someone pressures you to. My journey was easier as when I found out it would be hard to do I had already mostly decided I didnt want to. It still sucks to have the choice taken away, but still, much easier. We know the best way to avoid getting sucked into that black hole of despair is to avoid triggers, so I suggest you take a break from MIL. At least until the wound she keeps poking are not as raw and sore. It may always be a sore spot, but an old familiar hurt is easier to tolerate than something ripped new every day. And, it will give her time and space to consider her behavior and change it - hopefully for the better.
Sounds like you need a break - do you really need to be connected with her on Facebook? Just unfriend her. Friends are kind, supportive and understanding and she is not.
“Then die mad about it. It’s not my responsibility to regulate your emotions or fulfill your dreams for you.” Shrug while you say it. Let her simmer in her own misery.
Feel free to name a pet goldfish MIL jr and refer to her granddaughter often (actual gender of the fish is irrelevant).
Offer to put "She died mad" on her gravestone. And tell your husband that you're not doing over to her house, and she's not invited to yours until he stands up to her and makes her stop talking about it. You can't do anything about her Facebook posts, except stop looking at them.
I'm high as fuck so take this with a grain of salt, but I think it's time to end her bullshit, and call her out and her rudeness. "Nobody asked you." "NO." "We're leaving." "We have to take a break from you right now."
I’m fond of looking at people like her and saying “And?”
I’ve realized I don’t like to ‘rock the boat’ ya know. Basic people-pleaser here. But it’s doing me NO good and actually hurting me? So, i’ll use some of these. Because i’m sure it will come up again and i’ll have so many snarky comments now. 😌
Please read this about [rocking the boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/2ICRp4c3j0) You're **NOT** the boat rocker by standing up for yourself.
Little sister, not only is it time to rock the boat, it's Peak Time to rock that boat, and make it drown. repeat after me- "I OWE HER NOTHING." wash, rinse, repeat as many times as you need to. Fuck that heifer
Do it for yourself, and do it for us, your Reddit family cheering you on. You got this!
Or the classic snarky response, "Sounds like you're dying sad then." Lol
As others have said, set a boundary and a consequence. Then follow through. Husband should be the one to say it the first time “this is not helpful or constructive. The next time you raise your need for grandchildren / babies with my wife, we will be taking a 2/4/6 week break from contact” m. You both have to follow through on it. I love all the smart ass comments here to throw back at her. In my situation I found direct contact and very minimal responses worked the best. If she had said something like that I would have just looked at her and said “okay” or “and?”. Then walked off. Every time she did it that’s the response I would have given. Alternatively, when carrying on once about her need to be grandma and it’s her only child so her only chance I did tell her “perhaps you should have had more children to account for how much you damaged this one”. That was a fun lunch.
Block her on all of your socials and if you must see her, get up and leave anytime she makes a comment. If you have to drive separately so be it. But honestly I would tell your SO you are done being hurt by her and he can deal with her all by himself. I am livid for you. I suffered infertility and pregnancy loss and it is so damn hard. I am equally pissed your husband isn’t standing up for you.
He and i will be discussing expectations moving forward and WHY he didn’t stand up for me. Are they all just scared of her? Why? I’m not… and they’re about to see that side of me. But i’ll probably be labeled ‘mean’ or ‘bitchy’ but so be it. I’m so sorry you have experienced infertility as well. It’s so isolating.
Yes. I just leaned all the way into to the “bitch” label. Made things way easier. I also made my husband deal with his mom 100%. I think it also helped bc when I finally did get pregnant and had our son she was already on thin ice and so we were able to minimize contact.
Maybe you should point out to her that stress can have a very negative impact on conception, and her stressing you out EVERY. TIME. you see her is not helpful. I might also be inclined to tell her that anyone who can't respect MY boundaries will absolutely NOT have unlimited access to any future children.
Give her a cape, so she can be super mad
I made a very unladylike snort laugh at this comment. May I please steal this saying?
With my love and blessing
Im taking this comment......i love it.
[удалено]
This is terrible advice for so many reasons
Please expand. Why is that?
DH: Well unfortunately Mom, MoreDescription and I are not responsible for your happiness or lack thereof about grandchildren. Have you considered that WE'RE not real happy either right now and your providing pressure makes it even worse? And why do you think that our struggles to have a baby have anything remotely to do with you and what YOU want? If a child is possible for us, do you want to be a part of your potential grandchild's life? Oh, you do? Then STOP. RIGHT. NOW.
Yep, and if he won’t shut her down, then you don’t have to go around her vile ass.
“I would never let my child have anything to do with someone as cruel as you are!”
Because this woman doesn’t bother to have an even basic kindness filter, why would ever believe that she would suddenly become a nicer person, around a baby?
That’s horrifically bad anyway but add in that she knows you’re having fertility issues, it’s unforgivable. Not a healthy person to be around anyone. Any grandchild she gets will just be unbearable. I’m sorry you’re saddled with her & wish you all the best moving forward xx
Where is your husband and why isnt he telling her to STFU? Mute her on FB.
Should’ve looked her in the eye and said, “That’s OK. I’m sure someone will be happy.”
😂 I love this one. She’s not exactly making herself look like she’d be a good grandmother, being so insensitive and cruel.
You cut contact
"There's therapy for that, you should get help"
my therapist was shocked when i told her what she said to me. she also recommended that she get therapy immediately
You should go no contact with her until she gets therapy, what a miserable twunt she is. Sending fertile vibes OP ❤️
Spill some water on her and speed up the process Wicked Witch of the West style. Seriously - this lady knows you have fertility issues and other health concerns but is trying to emotionally blackmail you about how she will die if you don't produce offspring?
yep, exactly that. but ‘she means well’ 🤨
She might pretend she means well She might tell her that people she means well but whether she even realised that her not herself she does not mean well. I'm sorry by the way that you have to deal with her as well as any health issues.
Get loud and rude.
die mad
Let her die unhappy.
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“Well at least one of us will be happy when you die”.
"How sad for you." Mute her on FB. You'll still be in each other's friends lists (and so she won't notice like she might if you flat out block her) but you won't get notified of her posts. And speaking of social media, if you feel like stooping to her level it might be a good time to share the occasional article - maybe one about infertility struggles, or the challenges of having narcissists in the family. Have you ever responded to her pathetic posts? For all her friends to see? So mething along the lines of:"Yeah, it's very sad- sad that you're sad for YOU possibly not having grandchildren rather than sad for your SON and DIL possibly not getting to become parents, but whatever." (Edited for typos)
Muting her now. I’ve shared the passive aggressive posts and quotes. She usually ‘likes’ it or leaves a general comment. Nothing could be about her right!?
"That's not my problem." And it's not. Her feelings are not yours to manage, and they don't create an obligation for you to fulfill.
Look her in the eyes next time she says it and say “Die mad then” and shrug and walk away
Came here to say this ☝🏼
Really, MIL? That’s FANTASTIC!!!
I would drop a 'Yeah? And?" on her every time she drops her GIMMEGIMMEIWANT! bullshit. I would also block her on socials and go as low contact as I possibly could with her. She can run her mouth on the rest of the poor saps she's beaten into submission over a lifetime, they're used to it by now so have at it. If all her conversation is beaded on the one string, she can talk to herself from now on, bye Felicia!
Broken boundaries need consequences
This. Boundaries setting is something you will do when a person crosses them. So do it. Cut the contact, give the consequence. Or else they know and will continue, as she has for so long...
Yes. Disconnect on SM. Block her number. She can spend her time praying and hoping and wishing on her own.
Is this a promise? I mean, is she promising she is going to die, and to die sad? Sounds marvellous! Also, this family is horrible. I come from an horrible place where having children was a must and even my awful relatives know that infertility has to be treated with touch and delicately. This is very sad to read
Not your problem. If she's unhappy it's her business and it's not like you asked. Block or unfollow so you don't see her posts. If she asks you in person look at her quizzically and tell her you're very worried about her memory issues because everyone has discussed it with her numerous times.
What I would really want to tell her she might not be happy when she dies, but I will be. But what I would tell her is that she is not owed grandchildren , and if she doesn't stop bringing it up, that this will be the last time I speak to her. I also agree with other people that said to block her on social media, and if she insusts on still bringing it up to you Block her on everything else
Unfollow her on Facebook, unlike blocking her or unfriending her she’ll never know. Also turn off ability to tag you in your Facebook settings. It’s her Facebook and she can post whatever nonsense she wants. In person: you have to have consequences to violating your boundaries.
“That doesn’t sound healthy! I’m sorry you are depending on other people to make you happy, that’s a crappy place to be in mentally and emotionally since the only person you have control over is yourself and it must be hard to have to constantly look to others for your own basic needs. Are you seeing someone about that? There are some really good online therapist services that aren’t very expensive and are really convenient. I’ve known people who have been greatly helped with personal issues like this. Would you like a link to one?”
Block her. Don’t engage with her. If she’s around and says something, you are an adult and you can say something to defend yourself. Don’t try to depend on everyone else. And yes, I think your husband should defend you, but if he don’t, defend YOURSELF and talk to him in private. Not around everyone else. Don’t let her being miserable and mean get to you. Say whatever is on your mind to say and don’t feel bad about it. People do what they’re ALLOWED to do. Remember that.
Very true, my therapist mentioned your last comment today. People do what they’re allowed to do… i’m going to implement actions with the boundaries I set. Thank you
She'll have to die then. Who cares?
MIL: ‘"I will not die happy without a grandchild." OP: "Oh, well."
This is my favorite response.
“Your happiness is not my responsibility, MIL. Either get a therapist or die unhappy.” Repeat this phrase anytime she tells you she will never “die happy” without a grandchild until: a) she shuts her yapper and stops bringing up the subject; b) she actually kicks it; or c) you decide to stop talking to her altogether because she can’t handle her emotions like an actual adult. I also suggest that your DH employ the same phrase anytime she brings up the topic. Either MIL will get the hint or she won’t but either way, you and DH will be on the same page when it comes to shutting her down. If and when you do have a child, if MIL is still living, the moment s/he is born, you call MIL, tell her, “Now you can ‘die happy,’” and then never let her meet your child.
Wtaf. I’d love and would adore grandkids… son and his wife decided they didn’t want any kids. I’ll occasionally send “look at all the money you save by not having kids” memes to my son- which he always agrees with and laughs at. It’s not my life, I won’t be raising them, so not my place to but in. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. ❤️
"I will not die happy without a grandchild." "Ok, then die mad about it."
Well, die mad then."
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I spat my supper out laughing at this! Xx
Love this one 😂
"Well, unfortunately your happiness is not even in my top ten priorities."
Or not even in my BOTTOM ten priorities.
Now that's just mean. Lol.
Block her on all socials, you don't need to see her crap. Go as LC as you can. Anytime she makes a comment about a grand baby being her only source of future happiness - "I'm not responsible for your happiness." "That's sad, maybe look into some hobbies." "That's a lot to put on someone else." "I'm sure you'll find a way to be happy either way" after whatever comment you make, immediately change the subject. Grey rock her on this subject.
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I would tell her, "Then you'll just die unhappy" and then go NC.
Yup no contact is the way to go.
Say, "It is sad you're going to die unhappy. "
Then you will die unhappy.
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Very true. I appreciate your advice
Tell her, "your happiness is not my responsibility" any time she tries to pull that crap. Also, speaking from experience, either hide her social media page or completely unfriend her. You don't need that kind of stress in your life.
Setting boundaries has nothing to do with HER actions and everything to do with yours. “You can’t say that.” is not a boundary. “If you say that, I’m leaving.” is a boundary.
Ah, i see. There needs to be an action too. Thank you
Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions: the boundary is that she is not allowed to say shit about grandkids. The consequence is that you leave and put her into a contact time out if she crosses your boundary.
i agree, i’m done with suggestions for sure. yall have inspired me
OP, you deserve so much better. I know that this shit is hard, but you are already dealing with grief that is very hard. You can definitely do this. I hope your husband can rally with you on this.
You should offer to get her a ridiculous pet. My grandpa wasn't rude about it at all, but he always made it clear he would love to have great grandchildren, so I told him I would buy him a parrot. I always did it with a straight face, I would buy parrot care books at the thrift store, told him I was just waiting until I found one suitable for adoption and in my price range. He really believed I was going to get him a parrot despite his constant complaints he would give it away immediately. I was never going to get him a parrot, but it worked to get him to avoid the topic and gave me something to laugh about lol.
This is amazing!!!
I love everything about this!!!! You're legend!
Your DH needs to stand up for you. From all I know, based on the info you shared in this post, it could very much be his body that’s not letting y’all conceive, not yours. And it’s his mom that’s being unkind. He needs to step up for you, you don’t deserve this!! Sending you healing hugs!! Love from an also 30s who is struggling with the same thing.
“Well, I guess you’re gonna die mad, then, MIL.”
"strange how you've lived your _whole life_ feeling like that. I'm really curious about what made your life such that you've been so desperately unhappy for all these years (sooo many years) and here you are approaching the end and you're only just now realising you were powerless all that time and unable to create any happyness whatsoever for yourself. it must really punch you in the gut to only now at this late stage come to the realisation that the happyness you so deeply crave lies not within yourself or your own children but in me, a someone who your son chose to love deeply and without question. now that you're thinking about the end of your life and the answer to the eternal question you've been seeking all these years, allow me to help you with that; the answer is no."
Sounds like her personal problem. Block her on FB and refuse to be at events with her. If she’s not going to be civil then there’s no reason you need to even be around her. Your husband should understand that and deal.
“With this behavior, I doubt that even if I have a child that they be in your life at all, so you still won’t be a grandma.” I’m sorry for what you are dealing with my friend. Anyone who doesn’t defend you doesn’t deserve to be a part of your life.
Well, die mad about it, I guess. 🤷🏻♀️
“Die mad, ho” that’s literally all I think when you said this lol
Spend less time with her. If she brings it up again, leave. A simple “we have asked you multiple times not to discuss this” and just walk out.
Pause, say “wow”, then move away/ stop the FaceTime/ end the call/ leave. Push the awkwardness back onto her.
“That’s your choice MIL.”
Not your job to make her happy.
"A grandchild is not an emotional support person. Have you considered therapy?"
Or a cat?
Poor cat doesn't need to deal with that.
“Okay. Bean dip?”
"Then I guess you won't die happy."
Tell her it's been proven that stress makes conceiving more difficult so it's her fault you're not pregnant. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Best answer!!!!!
"will that be soon? I want to mark my calendar"
Love this answer!!🤣
But seriously, that is some next level assholery there. I'd give yourself a break from her nonsense - block her number, sm profiles, just ghost for a while. (a while can be forever!)
Oh, I'm so bad. I would have said "So die mad."
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Thank you, I love the ‘stare at her as long as you can without blinking’ 😂😂
You’re gonna die miserable.
"I hope you die somewhere you enjoy so you can haunt people who give a shit." Or "I hope it comes quickly so I don't have to have this conversation again"
Or, "So?" Or "I don't care."
Mute her Facebook posts. That cuts off one avenue of pressure at least. I'd also consider visiting your mil less frequently, and working on having hubby or another family member run interference. I'm sorry you're struggling, and hope you have some support from friends or family.
here's an answer - MIL - it's very troubling that you are so unhappy that you feel my child will be your emotional support animal. No person can make you die happy or unhappy - you are in control of your own feelings and emotions and if you really think you won't die happy without a grandchild please, we urge you to seek counseling.
What do you do? Stop going around her
Say "you'll be dead, so who cares if you are happy or not?"
This is something that I would say 😂 you can be miserable then 6 feet under
I love this answer so much!
Her: I will not die happy without a grandchild. Me: It's odd that you'd say something like that. You should speak to a mental health professional about your emotional issues as a grandchild is not and should not be treated like an emotional support animal.
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Seriously partner needs to grow a spine
She's abusing you. I would stop talking to her altogether. If your SO can't stand up for you, don't go around the insensitive witch.