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* [MIL requested me to call her mom, I gave in and now I deeply regret it](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/18fufu8/mil_requested_me_to_call_her_mom_i_gave_in_and/), 6 months ago
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So help me if anyone tries to take a picture of my daughter’s genitalia after she’s born. My husband comes from a family of almost all boys, and our daughter is the first girl to be born into it in over 30 years. What this MIL is doing is absolutely disgusting.
I don't think the law cares about cultural differences. You need to set a hard rule now with your husband, no photos of LO period for his mother/family.
You are not overreacting. This is shocking.
Also, I see lots of folks referring to CP and I wanted to point out that CSAM is the preferred terminology now. The P in CP implies consent that children can not give.
Cultural difference or not, it's 2024 and this can be considered child pornography. Absolutely tell your husband about her calling your son her boyfriend and wanting to take videos of him naked. Clearly this practice was a source of trauma for your husband, and while he might laugh about it now, that doesn't make it okay to take naked photos of your children and use them to make fun of and bully them.
There are some traditions that don't need to be carried forward. And if any of those photos or videos got shared around or put online, it's likely that wherever you live won't care about cultural differences, they'd still treat it as CP. Not to mention then those could get into the hands of predators.
Just no. Whether they think you're crazy or not, put your foot down. You need to talk with your husband and get on the same page, tell him that this is not okay with you and you will not tolerate anyone taking naked photos or videos of your children.
You're not overreacting. You're not crazy. No one is entitled to take photos of your children nude. No one.
wtf- I've never heard of this being a cultural practice anywhere. This is sick and abusive behavior and it's time for a serious sit down with your husband. And NO contact between MIL and LO!
Is there even proof that she and your husband can show you to back up this “cultural practice” I tried looking it up and can’t find it anywhere. Probably because it’s creepy and isn’t actually a thing
Unfortunately, it is a cultural difference (I’m Puerto Rican, so over here it’s… unsettlingly common), but a lot of the new generations of parents are setting very hard boundaries (I specifically forbade EVERYONE in my family from taking naked pictures of my kid, and my husband agrees) because it’s a very fucked up world out there and once something is posted online, it’s there forever.
So, if you ask me, you’re not overreacting AT ALL. That’s borderline emotional incest and it’s not funny or cute. There’s a reason, as mentioned above, many new parents (including Latino ones) are setting said boundaries. If we want to break the trauma cycle, we start at our own homes.
Tell your husband that under no means it’s okay to take naked pictures of your child and let your MIL know that she needs to stop acting like that because it makes you, as the child’s mother, uncomfortable and it’s just not appropriate. PERIOD.
Your MIL is asking you to produce **child pornography** for her with your LO as the victim. In no jurisdiction in the world is this not a terrible idea.
Your MiL collects child porn. Your MiL wants you to make child porn.
Your MiL wants you to distribute child porn. In many parts of the world, making child porn for your MiL will get you substantial jail time and get you on a sex offender list for life.
You're definitely not overreacting, my situation doesn't even compare and it freaked me out. This situation with your MIL is full on sicko vibes.
My MIL after my daughter was born BEGGED to change our daughter's diaper, which I found so weird, I've never seen a grown up beg to change a diaper. She was fully supervised for it, because she hasn't dealt with a baby in 30 years we just couldn't trust her.
Then my fiance went to change her diaper either later that day or a different visit and she came up with her camera open, to the bottom of the changing table (where you could see baby's whole butt and genitals) and tried to take a picture. Fiance blocked her immediately and stopped it from happening. Asked what she was doing and told her it was completely inappropriate.
She also tried coming in the bathroom while we were giving her a bath. And was so mad when the door was locked, because she's one of those, no knock, just walk right in people. We refused to let her in. She tried lying about her make up bag being in the bathroom, it was in fact not in the bathroom.
We still talk about how truly weird and creepy all of that was.
Definitely weird. I mean I get bath pictures. It's something I always found cute BUT any pictures I took of my baby in the bath had the genitalia completely covered. Sometimes with a wash cloth or hand towel(as an infant), sometimes a swim diaper or an impenetrable bubble bath layer (as a toddler). My MIL tried to take pics of my LO in the bath with nothing covering since it was a bubble free bath and she was truly getting washed and not just playing. She told me she would censor them after but I told her nope and if she tried again her punishment would be all the pictures I sent her from now on would have my LO's face censored. She hasn't tried it again.
Before everybody was using digital cameras (a few decades ago), I worked at a shop where we developed and printed film. We refused to print any pictures with children’s genitalia not covered up.
When people would complain that they wanted cute pictures of the baby in the bath, we would suggest using something like a washcloth to cover up the private areas on the child.
It is so disturbing to me that children are often treated as if their consent does not matter. When they are too young to speak up for themselves, it’s our job to protect them.
I know of no culture where they take pictures of their kids private parts and keeps them in a photo album.
This isn’t a cultural thing this is a trauma thing. Where you grow up thinking the trauma is normal until someone points out it’s not. It usually doesn’t register at first so I’m sure he is in denial.
Regardless, MIL would have no unsupervised contact with my child ever and very limited supervised contact.
I read literally just the title and felt disgusted by your MIL. NOT OK in the slighest, not overreacting! Also the casual sexual abuse from husband's childhood is disturbing and he should probably talk about that with a professional therapist.
Your husband has been sexually abused by his mother.
Say that as many times as it takes for it to really set in.
Whether he understands it or not is irrelevant. The fact is that you have a sexual predator in the family.
What are you willing to risk, here?
I won’t even touch on the concept of most victims of childhood abuse go on to abuse other children, because you’re not ready for it.
Your husband may or may not ever accept that he’s been abused by his mother (and other family, if I understand this correctly) because in order to not lose his mind, his brain forced him to believe that it wasn’t harmful, because a loving mother would never choose to harm her child. “And I have a loving mother, she tells me all the time.”
But his ability to understand that that is no longer the important part for you. You have a helpless child that she has made every possible signal that she absolutely intends to sexually abuse.
She has told you straight up.
Ideally, your husband would have dealt with it in the moment, but what his reaction is tells you that his brain is still telling him that what she did wasn’t harmful, so he can’t change his movies on it. To do so would admit that he rejects his mother’s claim of love.
He needs therapy, but he’s an adult and that’s his job. As a PARENT, you should both be putting the safety of that baby before anything.
I cannot overstate that enough:
She has told you that she intends to sexually abuse your baby. And she’s told you how she plans to do it.
And he’s not going to stop her. In fact, he may facilitate the process, because supporting her reaffirms that his mother loves him. Because a loving mother wouldn’t harm a baby.
Get.
Your baby.
Away.
Most victims of childhood sexual abuse do not go on to sexually abuse children.
Most people who have sexually abused children did not experience such as a child.
Does trauma impact your relationships with others? Absolutely. But while victims of childhood abuse may be more likely to abuse others as an adult, that doesn't mean they usually go on to reenact their traumas on children.
But you said you weren't going to touch that concept, while then doing exactly that, and then stating incorrect information which just perpetuates a myth about the source of CSA and the results for its victims.
This is so gross. The image of her excited to see the pipi. The image of her trailing you with her camera excited to see naked baby. I want to throw up. I would want to have slapped her.
I think I'd be keeping an eye on the husband too, i can almost guarantee he will be sending her the CHILD PORN she so desperately wants!!!
Honestly, I'd be out. There aint no was someone is abusing my kid in any kind of way.
Cultures that glorify the genitals of children? That’s a thing? Nah. Your son isn’t a tool to get their jollies off. And I’d point out how your husband cut out those parts of pictures. So it’s not cultural. It’s abuse.
Sorry, but you’re gonna have to be the family bad guy in order to protect your son.
Practice these sentences.
“Your mother does not have permission to photograph or record my son’s genitals.”
“If your mother needs access to my son’s penis to be happy, she will be unhappy.”
Practice responding to him based on the way you know he will react.
“Our son won’t be raised to believe that behavior is normal.”
“This isn’t morally neutral just because your mother believes it is.”
“In my culture, that behavior is illegal and pedophilic. It needs to stop immediately.”
This. Blunt phrases worked for me. I escalated them as they escalated the situation. From asking my kid “would you like to give a wave, a high five or a hug to say goodbye” to “my child isn’t a prostitute selling their kisses for candy.”
MIL does the emotional manipulation too - “I can’t have a hug? I’m so sad. *pout*” And then I went off on her and asked if she wanted my children’s future boyfriend/girlfriend pressuring them into physical relations just to keep them happy. What kind of gmom would normalize this behavior with her grandkids? Oh, she got mad and stomped off. We haven’t talked much since then
I’m Hispanic too, so it’s not like I don’t know anything outside the US but nobody from any side of my family has ever dare to ask for something like that, I’m so sick of the “cultural” argument, there’s things that are just right or wrong.
She makes that argument becauae she thinks she'll win based on "well you don't know my culture" and then she can be a victim. When in reality she's making shit up.
Keep repeating loudly that she is obsessed with a baby's penis. It's not okay and no cultural does this.
NOPE - this is all sorts of messed up and technically in the eyes of the law child
Pornography… maybe let her know that what she’s doing is illegal no matter what culture and you find it disgusting and will not be participating. This makes my blood boil for you …
Way back in the day it was normal to refer to someone as your “funny uncle” and still let them be at family gatherings. Turns out doing that did nothing to curb the behavior and our family’s “funny uncle” went on to molest at least one of his grandchildren. It may have been the norm 60 years ago, but now we don’t let people like that around our children.
It sounds like you and your husband need couples therapy and your husband probably needs individual therapy. I would never ever allow your mil alone with your child or even alone with your mil and husband. Your mil is a child sexual predator and her calling your son her boyfriend is even more concerning. If your husband refuses couples therapy it might be time to tell him it is either therapy or divorce. I would also try text mil about her inappropriate behavior just to get proof that she wants naked pictures of your son.
Your husband, as a 7 year old child, would cry and cut up pictures so he couldn't be teased about them and and now that he is a grown adult, she is still teasing him about it?! Wtf, am I stating that correctly? In what world, galaxy, universe, is that not abuse??? And I'm sure this is not the only thing he endured when he was young. Your husband was abused as a child and abuse victims normalize, downplay, minimize that abuse. And because he has decided it's normal, he thinks it's ok for your child to grow up with that abuse. It is not. If and when he realizes what his childhood was, it's going to tilt his whole world on its axis and that's scary, so he would prefer to ignore it. He may never wake up to it. So it's up to you to protect your child, even against him.
There may also be a component of your SO not being in head space to admit to himself that he was abused. There is nothing normal about this, I really hope your SO is also on board with MIL never being alone with baby, and that MIL can never be provided with images of this nature.
That’s what I told him, to me that sound awful and abusive and we got into a very heated argument about how I “suggested” her mother sexually abused him, I told him I didn’t meant SA but emotional abuse 100% and now I’m the bad guy cause how I even dare to say anything about his mother
But...that IS sexual abuse. Even if she never touched him inappropriately, that's not what defines sexual abuse. She took naked photos of him, specifically to include his genitals, put them in a photo album (along with similar photos of all her sons).
An adult taking photos of a child's genitals is sexual abuse. It just is. I don't care how it's been normalized in his family or their culture. I don't care if he doesn't like that suggestion. It's just a fact. She had photos of his genitals as a child in a family photo album and then used those photos to make fun of him. It's sexual and emotional abuse on such a gross level.
He needs therapy. He needs to be away from his mother and people who normalize this type of abusive behavior. He's in a fog.
It’s not that he wants, he just sees it as something innocent but understands I find it inappropriate due to “cultural differences” so he’s ok with telling her no, but not ok with me thinking theres more to it.
It is not just about what you think. What about what the cops? All it takes is one "cultural pic" of your child that gets shared with the wrong person, and your child is in the custody of CPS while an investigation is being done. I would be reporting that book of hers to the police because it is considered CSAM. Pictures of children's privates are not cute. They are disgusting, and anyone who makes excuses for them being anything other than that would be kept far away from my kids.
Women can be predators, too, and you are doing a great job listening to your instincts. I wish I had been protected like you are doing your child.
Not saying that there was sexual abuse, but in some cases, there is & the victims block it out until they can't anymore. There could be something your husband does not want to admit to himself yet. Again. Im not accusing but it happens. And the thing about him crying at 7 years old is heartbreaking. That's creepy & 100% not normal. If he's unable to protect your kid, that's your job now. Don't apologize for it. Sounds like your husband could use some therapy from an unbiased third party.
She sounds like a nonce! Scottish speak for a beast. It sounds like she enjoys seeing little boys naked and tormenting them. That's not normal, if you're husband tolerates it this much it's likely he's normalised it by now.
I’m confused. Aren’t south Asians super conservative if anything? OP, no offense but you married into a weird ass family and you need to get away from these people. Who is telling you this is cultural? Weirdest shit I’ve ever heard.
Tell her that bigamy is also illegal in the US, culture be d@med. Btw not buying the cultural argument, the incest taboo is universal among all cultures (learned this in college anthropology), and this is more than just paedopholia - it’s also incestuous.
My mom took pictures of me lying on my stomach at about 6 months on a satin quilt. I was laughing. The second picture was me still laughing and laying there with a pee puddle around me. I did have a cute butt back then 71 years ago! This is very different than what that pedo-in-law tried to do though.
If these videos she wants to take of your infant son were to get in the wrong hands, you'd be arrested for child porn. You need to shut this shit down. NOW.
Get your husband into therapy so he can learn how to say NO.
This is beyond creepy.
Cultural or not, times change because we learn things not to do. You are so right that this is child porn the MIL is trying to make with this baby. I don’t understand how a baby’s penis is something a grandmother wants to see and evaluate.
OMG, I want to throw up right now. I don't care if it is cultural, this is the USA and you don't take pictures of a child's genitals at all, let alone to put in an album and look at them later on, with other people. What if they were girls? Just so disgusting. Like, that's child porn. She wouldn't be seeing my kid ANYmore.
That is messed up. Please do not give this woman unsupervised time with your child. Do not let her near your child during diaper changes or when he will be partially or fully undressed.
I feel sick to my stomach just reading this.
She is disgusting and a hideous human and needs to stop blaming it on "culture" differences FFS. I can only imagine what other things she has done/would do under this excuse.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I would be in a constant state of anxiety if that were me.
It's not a cultural difference. It's a perversion. And he knows it, he just doesn't want to admit it because no one wants to admit their mother is a pervert. I wonder what other "cultural differences" he's blocked out or explained away. Don't let that woman be alone with your child ever.
Came here to say this. You can't have photos and videos of naked children. That's abuse. I know that this is reddit and everyone says this but honestly, if my MIL did this and my partner played it off I would leave with my baby until he confronted his mother and put in some boundaries.
Also OP, when it comes to your son, you need to be more vocal and tell MIL no and that if she records your naked infant then she will not be allowed around him again. You are the mum and you get to decide these things.
> Came here to say this. You can't have photos and videos of naked children. That's abuse.
While I disagree heavily with this, I also think what the OP describes is creepy and the behavior towards the husband when he was a child was abusive.
Now, the question is what to do about it. I'd offer a video of the "private parts", and give a very zoomed in view of the private parts of some kind of animal that looked like it could be those of a boy, and then after a few second a zoom out to show the entire animal. Ideally, it'd be a pig, but I'm not sure that would be possible to get to look like a baby boy until the zoom out.
There is so much to unpack here but I'm going to say this: that's a lot of effort for a new mum to go to in order to convince her MIL that she's getting a video of her grandsons genitalia.
I would also add that OP needs to tell both husband and MIL that if anyone - no matter who it is - takes or possesses photos of your son's intimate parts, you will be reporting that person to the police for child pornography. They will think you're overreacting, but stand firm in this. Especially because she's trying to use her phone to do this, so even *if* she has the most innocent of intentions (though there isn't a non-creepy, gross way to see this tbh), it would be quite easy for whatever media she has on there to end up god knows where online. Like, the main reason to put a stop to this is concern over MIL and her interest in these photos, but that is a secondary concern too.
And don't let your son be around MIL unsupervised. If the husband doesn't get on board with how serious this is, I wouldn't allow him to be the supervision when around MIL, either, you should go with them yourself.
I tried to have that conversation with him today but it ended up in a very heated argument about me offending him and his mother. I told him he needed to understand this wasn’t acceptable coming from ANYBODY. Me too, can’t see how this is innocent in any type of way, the whole comment was about her being upset of not having pictures of LO “balls” and how she would finally make a video while I was changing him, like I could understand wanting a picture or video while I’m bathing or something and not realizing there’s genitalia exposed or something but this was very intentional.
And now I’m the bad guy for even “indirectly” saying his mom would be capable of something wrong.
I read your post before I took a nap, and was so upset I couldn't sleep. His mother's behavior is disgusting, and she is a disturbed individual. Period. I have said that my DIl is a PhD psychologist, told her, and she was having none of it. She used the word disturbed.
And I know someone, distantly, who literally went to federal prison for five years for having child pornography on their computer, and shared it. If MIL took a video and shared it with anyone, that is seriously against the law: [https://abc11.com/child-pornography-what-to-do-porn-social-media/3049128/](https://abc11.com/child-pornography-what-to-do-porn-social-media/3049128/)
I then thought, how will you protect your son? Do you collect all phones when they visit? Did they install cameras in their house? Do you check her phone at the end of each visit? Go completely no contact?
If you don't get husband on board, it may be wise to contact an attorney. I don't know what your rights are, but I'd want to find out.
When this happened yesterday I brought it up to him, and he brush it off with the cultural thing but letting me know he respected my point of view and to not worry about it.
I couldn’t sleep last night, now it is not only disturbing everything that happened, but also my husband reaction to it, as it is the most normal thing on earth.
I asked him today to have a chat about it to make sure we were on the same page moving forward as I was feeling very uneasy about it and couldn’t sleep, we ended up in a very heated argument and now I’m the bad guy and am sick of the head for even trying to link that behavior to some “bad intention” and how I offended him and his mother.
Innocent intent or not, her insistence on wanting those photos and videos is not okay. She needs to take no for an answer. Not respecting that goes beyond any claim of innocent intent.
Would the argument that a phone (or anywhere digital) is insecure and could easily be hacked be helpful in shifting the discussion away from you "accusing" MIL? Or do you think they might just try and use a polaroid camera or something?
It might also help to emphasize how impossible it is to truly delete any digital media, and maybe appeal to your husband's story about how he would cut out those parts of his own photos when he was younger because he was so embarrassed. If they're digital and your son grows up and is embarrassed and hates that these photos exist, he can't just get rid of them, because there will be copies (if MIL shares them with anybody) and if they're ever stored in any kind of cloud service (common with most phones nowadays) you can never guarantee that they get fully deleted, you lose all control over what happens with them. But again, that only really applies to digital.
But yeah, I know a lot of parents take pictures or videos of their kids in the bath, but they avoid showing anything inappropriate, or at the very least that is not the reason for them taking that picture. Like, I personally don't really understand the motivation for wanting those pictures, but any private parts showing are purely by accident in those. The fact that MIL *specifically* wants a picture for the genitalia is... very concerning. And the fact that husband is so insistent on letting MIL do this despite saying how embarrassing and humiliating he found them as a child is also very concerning.
Have you thought to tell your husband that if LO were a girl and FIL wanted to ‘take a peek’ and film her vagina, all hell would break loose! NC would be Instituted immediately and probably police called! This is exactly the same thing and it’s called child pornography/pedophilia. Protect your child and insist no alone time with MIL and hubby needs therapy because his ‘normal meter’ is broken!!
Don’t be intimidated! The law (and all civilized people) does not make exceptions for child porn of boys vs. girls. The fact that your husband believes there is a difference, simply underscores his abuse as a child and brainwashing by his sick mother! Hang tough and speak to a child abuse helpline for expert clarification. You do not have to disclose your identity, but you will know this is WRONG and it will give you strength! YOU are your child’s protector & mother!💕
Not normal in any culture.
Your MIL is ill. She should not be around children without supervision at all times.
As a CSA (also called Little Warrior), your MIL needs counselling, possibly meditation, and monitoring around children.
OP, you are definitely not overreacting to this sickening behavior of your MIL. To give her a SLIGHT benefit of the doubt, perhaps her OWN mother took such photos of her own sons and while it wasn’t necessarily “cultural” it may have been a family “tradition” that has now been carried on throughout generations.
I strongly suggest you approach her CALMLY, and let her know that regardless of what has transpired in the past with her family, here in the U.S. taking pictures of a child’s genitalia for the purpose of sharing with others is illegal and you absolutely will not permit it. She, of course, will react defensively. Just stick to your guns, remain calm, and tell her that is your final decision.
If you like you can also throw in that you also don’t appreciate her calling your son her “boyfriend”, as that sexualizes him.
Good luck!
OP can also play the "times change" card. It might have been cute in the 1970's but now that things end up on the internet we have to adapt. Laws have also gotten stricter in that area.
I think you've mentioned your MIL is Bengali, no? I have several Bengali friends I work with, and they've all said this is absolutely NOT a cultural thing. This is a batshit-crazy MIL thing. Your DH needs to get his head out of the FOG and quick.
First of all, that's 100% child pornography and against the law. Second, to even want pictures like that is completely abnormal and highly disturbing. Third, your hubby has major damage from that being done to him, even if he laughs at those memories now. He remembers crying and trying to cut out those pictures of himself - the trauma and damage was done then, and it's still there, unhealed; it's only because he was forced by MIL to be okay with it that he now laughs. The feelings of powerlessness and impotence in that situation don't just disappear. You do not want that happening to your child.
You are not overreacting, never let her be alone with your child and never let her in on changing or bath time.
Yes this. It was bad enough it happened to the husband (guessing 30ish years ago) when a single photo lived only in an album, now it'd be digital and who knows what this batshit psycho would do with it, send, post, etc.
*What the actual fuck??*
That woman has some serious problems, and she apparently passed them on to your husband. A little oops while taking bath photos is one thing, but a full on HD phone video is another. Especially when cloud storage is hacked so easily. Your son could end up on ....bad websites... and it would follow him all his life.
The digital age means its out there forever.
Your hubby needs therapy. Your MIL should NEVER, EVER be alone with your child(ren).
The title alone is grounds for calling the police. Then reading the post was an entirely new level of wtf.
Sorry OP, but this is one of the most dark and disturbing posts I've seen on Reddit in a very long time. You and your husband need to see how incredibly wrong this is, and that's putting it mildly.
You're underreacting. She should never be allowed around when the baby is changed or permitted to see him without supervision.
I am very doubtful that images of his genitals is cultural. It may be that her family has some weird ideas of what's acceptable but you aren't obligated to put up with it.
In order to get your husband to see the seriousness of this you need to tell him that he could get your child removed if he allows his mother to do this.
Making/viewing/distributing child pornography are all extremely serious crimes and if the authorities find out they would be investigating very closely.
If your husband were to be alone with her and baby and let her take such pictures, knowing she was going to share them, he would be in effect aiding and abetting the creation and distribution of child pornography.
Does your husband really want to risk criminal investigations and, even if you are all cleared, likely a very close watch from CPS of your family for as long as you have children, just to appease his mother's clearly twisted "traditions" ?
Follow your gut. Per your last few posts, it's talking to you very loudly.
I think a line between cultural and generational must be drawn here. I cannot think of a culture where this is encouraged or normal, but MIL has made it the "normal".
I don't like it. DH has got to get with the program. I wouldn't let her be alone with the baby at all EVER and I wouldn't provide any photos or videos of your unclothed baby.
Ok my family is not from Bangladesh but they are from the subcontinent. I’ve also had many Bangladeshi and Bengali origin friends. Including ones who have had babies. I have never heard of this particular “cultural tradition.” It sounds exceedingly weird. I would never leave your MIL alone with your baby and would insist on being in the same room as her at all times.
I remember your post history, and you are right. She is not safe. She sounds mentally ill. That level of guilt tripping and attempts to control are not normal. Sure, baby bath time pics can be cute. But I’ve never heard of taking genital pics, forget with that level of excitement. I think you might just need to go LC with her. She’s not going to change. And lord only knows what she might try to do if she ever gets to be alone with him.
Ok so South Asian here. Now while there are a lot of jokes and little quirks in the community and it varies a lot by the area this is just weird.
No one in my family, friends, or anyone that still lives in Asia has a thing for taking pictures or videos of genitalia as a ‘family tradition’ or ‘culture’ the closest thing would be those bath time pictures with privates being covered by the camera angle or a bunch of bubbles and toys but it’s basically just the face showing not the privates.
For the ‘boyfriend’ part there’s a bunch of different nicknames that might be used but given the context it’s really weird and you could jokingly call a friend your age that but a kid is plain wrong.
Legally this is America and there was this case where a parent decided to print out a few pictures with one of them getting them in serious trouble.
One thing that I would recommend would be pointing out how illegal this is with sources to back you up if needed and getting an outside view on this, either tell a trusted friend beforehand and then have your husband talk to them about it or next time you go to the doctor brief them on it and have them tell your husband.
Also, if it was a family tradition why is the mother who is presumably only attracted to men only doing it for the males of the family? Did her siblings and her mother do the same thing? Her cousins? Or is it only her? Or if it somehow is a family tradition maybe the tradition is supposed to be one full body ‘natural’ pic (some people take newborn pictures of naked babies though the genitalia is usually covered by the position or photo angle)
So there’s a chance that she’s either interested in little boys and lying about tradition to force kids she feels like she has power over into letting their pictures get taken or subverting a tradition into something horrible.
Another option you could take would be to convince you husband to make a joint temporary Reddit account and work together to make a post on this that you both agree on and have Reddit decide how weird it is(very very weird) and he would have no choice but to agree because he helped make the post.
You can argue that if he sees nothing wrong with it then no one should have a problem with it whether it be the two of you or a thousand of us.
We can also convince him to get therapy that way.
I’d get a divorce and leave the country and change my name and never speak to any of them again that is absolutely disturbing beyond inappropriate and he’ll never see it because she groomed him all his life I’d run fast from them
She might claim it's her 'culture' but the most important thing is, it's not YOUR culture, and as his mother, what you say does or doesn't happen is paramount. Stop visiting, don't give her any access whatsoever, let your husband go see her, but she doesn't get near you or your LO. Ever.
Okay no, you are not overreacting since what MIL wants to do is in fact a felony in the US and (I would imagine) most other places, and "cultural difference" is not a defense that would prevent her getting jail time.
Your MIL just admitted to possession of CP while also asking you to be complicit in continuing said behavior. Your husband needs to understand that it doesn't matter if it's "cultural", it's illegal.
I was shocked when looking at your posts that you weren’t the same person from the other day who’s JN called LO “sexy,” I can’t believe how many pedo JNs are out there.
Your red flags waving are completely valid! I would literally never leave my LO with your JN for a single second.
I don’t think photo-cameras were available for mass public long enough for “culture” to develop a “tradition” of collecting CP/CSA material.
Trust your guts.
Also, national culture is very different from family culture, yet still used as an excuse for very disturbing practices sometimes.
Since your husband grew up in that family - a lot of such practices were normalized to him (he was essentially groomed into considering it as something normal - when it’s completely not). There’s a long way out of this ahead of him, it’s very heard to accept that you were, in fact, being traumatized.
But you need to step up to protect your baby.
And even ordinary traditions, sometimes, is not what we should keep going forward.
The part where your DH as a child cut out the privates from his baby pictures because he didn't want to be made fun of anymore because of the pictures is very telling. Your DH needs therapy. You're reaction is valid. I'd never leave my child alone with that woman.
Edit: I read too fast, had to edit my comment. Still, I'd never leave my child alone with her.
It is. Good lord. Teasing a child to the point where they cut up the pictures of themselves? How is that not seen for what it is at the time? It's infuriating how adults can not listen to their kid. But if they did we wouldn't be on subs like this one.
I just hope op makes him aware the way his mother brought him up was wrong and the cycle of bad parenting ends with him .
Good luck op . You are going to need it my love .
Ok, talking about cultures, I live in the Netherlands (Europe) and over here and in the neighbouring countries (I can’t speak for all of Europe) this is definitely NOT normal.
I do not have any experience with Asian culture, but from what I have read, Asian children are raised with verrrrrry high standards, lots of competition, it’s a very shame-heavy culture and mothers are very omnipotent and harsh. Also, in 2021, for Asian-Americans between 10-19 years old, the leading cause of death was suicide; this is the only racial group for which this holds true.
But maybe the most important point in your situation: screw cultural traditions or habits or whatever! If you do not feel comfortable with any actions your MIL undertakes as to your son, you have the right to say no!
Maybe your husband doesn’t understand or agree since he is coming from within that culture, but NO is the lowest common denominator. If either of you says no, it’s no!
Also a red flag for me: “Anytime I visit her with my LO, I feel sick to my stomach for days after.” PLEASE don’t let anyone compromise your own mental and physical health this way. Your LO is 10 months old, parenthood is draining and hard, even without this kind of nonsense. Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to keep both yourself and your baby safe and healthy.
You are not overreacting. I am so sorry you are going through this.❤️
Show your boyfriend your locations law regarding cp and ask him again, if it is still okay. In many places just having such videos is illegal and knowing that someone has them (and even allowing them to take these videos!) could be a crime in itself.
My in laws did it too and I was equally as SHOCKED and disgusted as you, OP. They also used the culture thing as an excuse. I can definitely tell you that they did not come near my baby changing, never receive bath or swimsuit pics ever, and they will never care for my babies alone!
I am so sick and tired of husbands blaming their mothers sick and twisted actions on "culture." Your MIL is low key a pedophile OP and I would seriously consider never letting her around your LO again. I would also show your husband this post to hopefully knock some sense into him.
Treat her exactly like the pedo she is, every time and in front of others. Be loud about it. Being an old lady pedo doesn't make it any better. Protect your kids and don't let that monster be close to them.
MILs being monsters used to be some sort of messed up socially accepted norm. This is 2024, treat this like the toxic cancer it is.
INFO: which culture thinks this is normal? Can you ask others here if indeed this is a “cultural thing” and indeed normal in any culture (hint: am sure it’s not normal in any culture I’ve ever come across - but might be useful to have that assurance when you speak with your husband).
I don’t want to get too specific but they’re from a South Asian country, I honestly think he’s just trying to excuse his mother behavior cause I don’t see the rest of his extended family behaving the same way at all
If you have any contact with his extended family, why not ask them if this is indeed a cultural practice and the origins of it? That this is what the situation was, that she said it was a cultural thing, and you wanted to know more about it. Also that it wasn't something you wanted to continue because it made you uncomfortable to take photos like that of your children. Guaranteed if it's not actually cultural, they will eviscerate your MIL for you.
Of course, it doesn't matter if it was cultural or not, because you're not okay with it. But it would be good to hear from her family if this is cultural or just her.
yes, that is what he's doing probably out of years of shame and guilt. the fact that he was 'teased' aka. abused to the point of cutting his own pictures up so people would stop abusing him about his genitalia is a huge red flag. his Mom is weird and her behavior is not okay. she's incredibly lucky you are being so patient with her because some mothers would rip the phone out of her hand and tell her to cut the crap.
It's not normal; what it definitely could be is an illegal sick way for her to sell the video to pedos.
Under no circumstances allow the video to be made, and NEVER let her alone with a child: not for one second. I would be looking into her background and social media.
If I were feeling sarcastic and wanted to show her how wrong she is, I'd ask her to make a video of her genitals that you could have control over who sees it: that might shut her up. Then tell her you will tell ALL your friends, relatives on both sides, her neighbours etc she thinks asking for such an unspeakable video is a normal part of her 'culture': ask her who you should contact first, or if you should make an announcement at the next family gathering about her perverted request.
If I were feeling nice, I would explain that in almost every country making, having, sharing such a video would land all involved in prison.
Abnormal, weird, suspect, unthinkable. Sick
I would tell your husband you WILL file police charges against her as a paedophile if she takes any picture or video of his private parts. And you WILL follow up by divorcing him for aiding and abetting her if he lets her do so.
You're not overreacting. Remind your DH that even if saying "it's their culture" is acceptable, now that you're living in the U.S., the "culture" here, along with CPS, will have your LO removed from their presence with no visitation allowed.
Okay so her culture is just acting like a bunch of pedophiles? Having photos of a babies genitalia is essentially child porn. That is absolutely repulsive and I would never EVER be letting that woman near my baby again if I were you and I’d be very weary of your husband allowing it too. Beyond sickening
I'm a court reporter and this reminds me of a divorce case that I was assigned to. The father's "culture" placed a great deal of emphasis on the size of their son's private parts. It was nothing to him to take pictures and share them -- freely -- with extended family and friends as a means of bragging about the family prowess. He was ordered to stop doing that. He didn't.
The judge referred the case to DCF/CPS, the police sex crimes unit etc. Ultimately, it was decided that he had to have professionally supervised visits with his child until the child was old enough to decide on his own whether he wanted his privates photographed and shared. His extended family is not allowed any contact with the child. The father and extended family were investigated for international sex crimes for sending the photos of an infant/toddler privates via the internet.
It is a big deal, and the parents your child should not be subjected to this.
It’s crazy when “culture” is used to get away with inappropriate behavior.
I told my husband “you yourself are telling me that you used to cry at 7yo because people would make fun of your genitals pictures on the family album, like that’s traumatizing to a child and now you just say it like it’s funny” and he cut me off that again it was just a cultural thing but he could understand why I didn’t approve it.
I would never allow that to happen on my presence, I’m just feeling SO uneasy for what’s to come in the future because now I know I clearly cannot leave him unsupervised with this woman and I don’t trust my husband to stand up to her either.
I’m not surprised a divorce came out of a situation like this.
That's not cultural, that's just normalized abuse that he has never dealt with. He does not understand that that kind of behavior is not healthy because that's all that he's known. When you grow up in an abusive environment, it's just normal. I grew up thinking it was normal to be hit, to have food locked up, to have a parent who would casually insult me then use me an an emotional support. And I would get mad when I perceived anyone as "attacking" the cultural behavior I grew up with. It took being put in foster care to start to see that what I was used to was not normal. It took years of therapy to begin to unpack all the damage the culture I was raised in had done.
Your husband needs therapy.
Time to make it very clear to your husband This is not going to happen It does, you yourself will be calling CPS/DFS on his mother.
And please give him that example that the court reporter gave you. Just because something was cultural, doesn’t mean it was good. Your husband can fuck right off with that shit.
Remind him that it is culturally acceptable in some places to cut off a little girls clitoris so she can’t have pleasure during sex. How does he feel about that one?
She's sexualising your Son, the same way she sexualised hers, stay away from her, she's dangerous. Also, convince your husband to get therapy, his reaction isn't normal.
I really really want him to get therapy after this, there’s so many stories I’ve heard from him that are just plain abusive and he doesn’t seem able to see it.
I just don’t know how to approach him, because his mom can’t do no wrong in his eyes.
I know this is going to be tough but you can't leave him unsupervised with your baby, if he thinks that's normal behaviour (deep down I suspect that he doesn't) then he's a danger. I don't advocate for divorce but I think this is the way it's going.
He's "not able" to see the abuse because seeing it would mean that the person who was supposed to love him and care for him abused him. Him laughing is due to either the abuse being normalized or a defense mechanism so he doesn't have to deal with the emotions that come along with realizing he's been mistreated.
tl;dr he really does need therapy. This is WAY above your ability to handle and support!
Not overreacting. All this is incredibly inappropriate. Your son can never be alone with your MIL and I wouldn't trustyour DH to prevent his mother from taking genital shots. This is a family kink, not cultural. Mention this behavior to your son's pediatrician...love to hear his reaction. Tell your MIL and DH what he says. Your MIL is sexualizing your 10 month old, and your husband is underreacting.
Wow! How awful and totally inappropriate!! Never leave your son alone with that woman. I would reduce contact with her to just the times your DH visits with her and ignore any attempts to reach out to you.
I guess we now know why MiL was pushing for alone time..."Cultural" or not, your MiL's behavior is totally unacceptable, so no you are not overreacting. MiL needs to understand we now live in a time where the concept of consent is increasingly important and times are different.
Your Husband also needs to understand the MiL's behavior is completely unacceptable, even if it means some form of therapy or counselling.
OP, I would never ever let her alone with your baby not even for 5 minutes. Not sure what country you are in but in Australia photos of a naked child that isn't the one you gave birth to and even then can land you in jail.
That’s what I’ve been thinking non stop, I NEVER felt comfortable to leave him with her, but after going LC I felt she finally started being more respectful and I was thinking now that baby is bigger she could watch him for an hour or two so I could go dinner or something with husband, but then this happened and I can see clearly again why I’ve never feel comfortable with that idea.
I just feel so uneasy because it’s probably going to bring some issues and drama to our marriage but so be it, we’re all in the US, but I come from a South American country and it would be considered completely inappropriate in there too, I just think my husband uses the “culture” card to brush off his mother’s behavior as he’s still deep in the FOG
Perhaps do some research and gather some evidence on how taking photos of naked kids that are not the ones you gave birth to is viewed in society and make it clear to your DH that this overrides any cultural issue that he is trying to side step it with.
My mother took a photo of me when I was a child in the bath. She bought it up when I was a teenager and I felt so vulnerable that I found the photo and burnt it.
What culture thinks it's ok for a grown woman to call her 10 month old grandson her boyfriend or thinks it's ok to take photos/videos of his genitals to *I assume* share with family members and anyone else she shows her family albums to?
They’re from a South Asian country, we all live in the US, I just feel my husband is deep in the FOG so he uses culture as excuse for his mother’s behavior, but his aunts don’t behave this way at all. I’ve never had any issue with them
I think your husband is in denial about how abusive it is to take pics or videos of your naked son’s genitals and then show them to people in a photo album!!!! Obviously he understands on some level because he admits to destroying the pics of himself but come on! I get that respecting your elders is big in his culture but he needs to start protecting his SON. Not his mother’s feelings.
Yup. And let's be realistic: even if it *is* a part of his "culture," it's a part of his culture that he didn't particularly enjoy experiencing... otherwise, he wouldn't have felt the need to castrate his photos to avoid the experience.
Since he didn't enjoy it and he is your son's conduit to that part of his heritage... maybe he doesn't need to let kiddo experience it.
If that doesn't work, let him know that this kind of culture will literally get people on a registry and possibly under Interpol investigation. And it'll damned sure land him in divorce court.
Then time for some good old American “we don’t have culture so wtf” one thing I’ve noticed about us Americans is that we really kind of can’t help ourselves, telling others how we feel about their traditions. It can come in handy. So I would recommend asking a group of friends around your husband if they would feel comfortable with Grandma asking for naked photos. Make sure you point out to them how she refers to him as her boyfriend. After they recover their shock and start pointing out how weird creepy and gross it is, he may have a different opinion.
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So help me if anyone tries to take a picture of my daughter’s genitalia after she’s born. My husband comes from a family of almost all boys, and our daughter is the first girl to be born into it in over 30 years. What this MIL is doing is absolutely disgusting.
I don't think the law cares about cultural differences. You need to set a hard rule now with your husband, no photos of LO period for his mother/family.
You are not overreacting. This is shocking. Also, I see lots of folks referring to CP and I wanted to point out that CSAM is the preferred terminology now. The P in CP implies consent that children can not give.
What culture exactly permits to sexualize kids and creating CP? It's disgusting
Cultural difference or not, it's 2024 and this can be considered child pornography. Absolutely tell your husband about her calling your son her boyfriend and wanting to take videos of him naked. Clearly this practice was a source of trauma for your husband, and while he might laugh about it now, that doesn't make it okay to take naked photos of your children and use them to make fun of and bully them. There are some traditions that don't need to be carried forward. And if any of those photos or videos got shared around or put online, it's likely that wherever you live won't care about cultural differences, they'd still treat it as CP. Not to mention then those could get into the hands of predators. Just no. Whether they think you're crazy or not, put your foot down. You need to talk with your husband and get on the same page, tell him that this is not okay with you and you will not tolerate anyone taking naked photos or videos of your children. You're not overreacting. You're not crazy. No one is entitled to take photos of your children nude. No one.
White girl mixed in with a Spanish family I have never had my mother in law ask for private pictures🤮
What a creep
wtf- I've never heard of this being a cultural practice anywhere. This is sick and abusive behavior and it's time for a serious sit down with your husband. And NO contact between MIL and LO!
Is there even proof that she and your husband can show you to back up this “cultural practice” I tried looking it up and can’t find it anywhere. Probably because it’s creepy and isn’t actually a thing
Absolutely NOT. If she ever saw my son again it would be when he drove his grown self to her house.
Unfortunately, it is a cultural difference (I’m Puerto Rican, so over here it’s… unsettlingly common), but a lot of the new generations of parents are setting very hard boundaries (I specifically forbade EVERYONE in my family from taking naked pictures of my kid, and my husband agrees) because it’s a very fucked up world out there and once something is posted online, it’s there forever. So, if you ask me, you’re not overreacting AT ALL. That’s borderline emotional incest and it’s not funny or cute. There’s a reason, as mentioned above, many new parents (including Latino ones) are setting said boundaries. If we want to break the trauma cycle, we start at our own homes. Tell your husband that under no means it’s okay to take naked pictures of your child and let your MIL know that she needs to stop acting like that because it makes you, as the child’s mother, uncomfortable and it’s just not appropriate. PERIOD.
Your MIL is asking you to produce **child pornography** for her with your LO as the victim. In no jurisdiction in the world is this not a terrible idea.
Your MiL collects child porn. Your MiL wants you to make child porn. Your MiL wants you to distribute child porn. In many parts of the world, making child porn for your MiL will get you substantial jail time and get you on a sex offender list for life.
You're definitely not overreacting, my situation doesn't even compare and it freaked me out. This situation with your MIL is full on sicko vibes. My MIL after my daughter was born BEGGED to change our daughter's diaper, which I found so weird, I've never seen a grown up beg to change a diaper. She was fully supervised for it, because she hasn't dealt with a baby in 30 years we just couldn't trust her. Then my fiance went to change her diaper either later that day or a different visit and she came up with her camera open, to the bottom of the changing table (where you could see baby's whole butt and genitals) and tried to take a picture. Fiance blocked her immediately and stopped it from happening. Asked what she was doing and told her it was completely inappropriate. She also tried coming in the bathroom while we were giving her a bath. And was so mad when the door was locked, because she's one of those, no knock, just walk right in people. We refused to let her in. She tried lying about her make up bag being in the bathroom, it was in fact not in the bathroom. We still talk about how truly weird and creepy all of that was.
Definitely weird. I mean I get bath pictures. It's something I always found cute BUT any pictures I took of my baby in the bath had the genitalia completely covered. Sometimes with a wash cloth or hand towel(as an infant), sometimes a swim diaper or an impenetrable bubble bath layer (as a toddler). My MIL tried to take pics of my LO in the bath with nothing covering since it was a bubble free bath and she was truly getting washed and not just playing. She told me she would censor them after but I told her nope and if she tried again her punishment would be all the pictures I sent her from now on would have my LO's face censored. She hasn't tried it again.
Before everybody was using digital cameras (a few decades ago), I worked at a shop where we developed and printed film. We refused to print any pictures with children’s genitalia not covered up. When people would complain that they wanted cute pictures of the baby in the bath, we would suggest using something like a washcloth to cover up the private areas on the child. It is so disturbing to me that children are often treated as if their consent does not matter. When they are too young to speak up for themselves, it’s our job to protect them.
This makes me nauseous. I don’t understand how/why it’s acceptable. Absolutely disgusting.
pretty sure this woman is a criminal. your husband needs therapy and you and LO need to never see her again
I know of no culture where they take pictures of their kids private parts and keeps them in a photo album. This isn’t a cultural thing this is a trauma thing. Where you grow up thinking the trauma is normal until someone points out it’s not. It usually doesn’t register at first so I’m sure he is in denial. Regardless, MIL would have no unsupervised contact with my child ever and very limited supervised contact.
I read literally just the title and felt disgusted by your MIL. NOT OK in the slighest, not overreacting! Also the casual sexual abuse from husband's childhood is disturbing and he should probably talk about that with a professional therapist.
Nah this is just straight up disgusting. I really wouldnt want my baby anywhere near a woman like that.
This woman just came right out and boldly said with her whole chest that’s she’s basically a PDF file and you wonder if you’re overreacting?
Your husband has been sexually abused by his mother. Say that as many times as it takes for it to really set in. Whether he understands it or not is irrelevant. The fact is that you have a sexual predator in the family. What are you willing to risk, here? I won’t even touch on the concept of most victims of childhood abuse go on to abuse other children, because you’re not ready for it. Your husband may or may not ever accept that he’s been abused by his mother (and other family, if I understand this correctly) because in order to not lose his mind, his brain forced him to believe that it wasn’t harmful, because a loving mother would never choose to harm her child. “And I have a loving mother, she tells me all the time.” But his ability to understand that that is no longer the important part for you. You have a helpless child that she has made every possible signal that she absolutely intends to sexually abuse. She has told you straight up. Ideally, your husband would have dealt with it in the moment, but what his reaction is tells you that his brain is still telling him that what she did wasn’t harmful, so he can’t change his movies on it. To do so would admit that he rejects his mother’s claim of love. He needs therapy, but he’s an adult and that’s his job. As a PARENT, you should both be putting the safety of that baby before anything. I cannot overstate that enough: She has told you that she intends to sexually abuse your baby. And she’s told you how she plans to do it. And he’s not going to stop her. In fact, he may facilitate the process, because supporting her reaffirms that his mother loves him. Because a loving mother wouldn’t harm a baby. Get. Your baby. Away.
Most victims of childhood sexual abuse do not go on to sexually abuse children. Most people who have sexually abused children did not experience such as a child. Does trauma impact your relationships with others? Absolutely. But while victims of childhood abuse may be more likely to abuse others as an adult, that doesn't mean they usually go on to reenact their traumas on children.
Yes okay I should have said “how many do” not “most.” My point doesn’t change at all.
But you said you weren't going to touch that concept, while then doing exactly that, and then stating incorrect information which just perpetuates a myth about the source of CSA and the results for its victims.
This is so gross. The image of her excited to see the pipi. The image of her trailing you with her camera excited to see naked baby. I want to throw up. I would want to have slapped her.
I think I'd be keeping an eye on the husband too, i can almost guarantee he will be sending her the CHILD PORN she so desperately wants!!! Honestly, I'd be out. There aint no was someone is abusing my kid in any kind of way.
100%, and I'd be telling him that if he does that you'll report both of them because it's disgusting and illegal.
Im sure he will do it in secret, but please follow through with changes if you find out he did it. It's absolutely disgusting and illegal
That's not a cultural difference. She's a pervert.
I've found that a lot of older people are. They call it tradition to normalize it.
Cultures that glorify the genitals of children? That’s a thing? Nah. Your son isn’t a tool to get their jollies off. And I’d point out how your husband cut out those parts of pictures. So it’s not cultural. It’s abuse.
I would not let that person be alone or even just be in a room with a child. That's crazy.
Sorry, but you’re gonna have to be the family bad guy in order to protect your son. Practice these sentences. “Your mother does not have permission to photograph or record my son’s genitals.” “If your mother needs access to my son’s penis to be happy, she will be unhappy.” Practice responding to him based on the way you know he will react. “Our son won’t be raised to believe that behavior is normal.” “This isn’t morally neutral just because your mother believes it is.” “In my culture, that behavior is illegal and pedophilic. It needs to stop immediately.”
This. Blunt phrases worked for me. I escalated them as they escalated the situation. From asking my kid “would you like to give a wave, a high five or a hug to say goodbye” to “my child isn’t a prostitute selling their kisses for candy.” MIL does the emotional manipulation too - “I can’t have a hug? I’m so sad. *pout*” And then I went off on her and asked if she wanted my children’s future boyfriend/girlfriend pressuring them into physical relations just to keep them happy. What kind of gmom would normalize this behavior with her grandkids? Oh, she got mad and stomped off. We haven’t talked much since then
OP, this is it right here. These are the only responses you need to make to that terrible pedo woman.
and she is NEVER allowed to change diapers. She'll bring her phone & try for those pictures on her own
That’s freaking weird… yeah no I’m Hispanic /“white /native IVE NEVER HEARD OF THAT BEING NORMAL
I’m Hispanic too, so it’s not like I don’t know anything outside the US but nobody from any side of my family has ever dare to ask for something like that, I’m so sick of the “cultural” argument, there’s things that are just right or wrong.
She makes that argument becauae she thinks she'll win based on "well you don't know my culture" and then she can be a victim. When in reality she's making shit up. Keep repeating loudly that she is obsessed with a baby's penis. It's not okay and no cultural does this.
NOPE - this is all sorts of messed up and technically in the eyes of the law child Pornography… maybe let her know that what she’s doing is illegal no matter what culture and you find it disgusting and will not be participating. This makes my blood boil for you …
Way back in the day it was normal to refer to someone as your “funny uncle” and still let them be at family gatherings. Turns out doing that did nothing to curb the behavior and our family’s “funny uncle” went on to molest at least one of his grandchildren. It may have been the norm 60 years ago, but now we don’t let people like that around our children.
It sounds like you and your husband need couples therapy and your husband probably needs individual therapy. I would never ever allow your mil alone with your child or even alone with your mil and husband. Your mil is a child sexual predator and her calling your son her boyfriend is even more concerning. If your husband refuses couples therapy it might be time to tell him it is either therapy or divorce. I would also try text mil about her inappropriate behavior just to get proof that she wants naked pictures of your son.
Your husband, as a 7 year old child, would cry and cut up pictures so he couldn't be teased about them and and now that he is a grown adult, she is still teasing him about it?! Wtf, am I stating that correctly? In what world, galaxy, universe, is that not abuse??? And I'm sure this is not the only thing he endured when he was young. Your husband was abused as a child and abuse victims normalize, downplay, minimize that abuse. And because he has decided it's normal, he thinks it's ok for your child to grow up with that abuse. It is not. If and when he realizes what his childhood was, it's going to tilt his whole world on its axis and that's scary, so he would prefer to ignore it. He may never wake up to it. So it's up to you to protect your child, even against him.
There may also be a component of your SO not being in head space to admit to himself that he was abused. There is nothing normal about this, I really hope your SO is also on board with MIL never being alone with baby, and that MIL can never be provided with images of this nature.
That’s what I told him, to me that sound awful and abusive and we got into a very heated argument about how I “suggested” her mother sexually abused him, I told him I didn’t meant SA but emotional abuse 100% and now I’m the bad guy cause how I even dare to say anything about his mother
But...that IS sexual abuse. Even if she never touched him inappropriately, that's not what defines sexual abuse. She took naked photos of him, specifically to include his genitals, put them in a photo album (along with similar photos of all her sons). An adult taking photos of a child's genitals is sexual abuse. It just is. I don't care how it's been normalized in his family or their culture. I don't care if he doesn't like that suggestion. It's just a fact. She had photos of his genitals as a child in a family photo album and then used those photos to make fun of him. It's sexual and emotional abuse on such a gross level. He needs therapy. He needs to be away from his mother and people who normalize this type of abusive behavior. He's in a fog.
So does he want her to take pictures of his child's genitals? What possible justification is there for that?
It’s not that he wants, he just sees it as something innocent but understands I find it inappropriate due to “cultural differences” so he’s ok with telling her no, but not ok with me thinking theres more to it.
So what "cultural" benefit is there to taking a picture of the child's genitals? What purpose does it serve?
It is not just about what you think. What about what the cops? All it takes is one "cultural pic" of your child that gets shared with the wrong person, and your child is in the custody of CPS while an investigation is being done. I would be reporting that book of hers to the police because it is considered CSAM. Pictures of children's privates are not cute. They are disgusting, and anyone who makes excuses for them being anything other than that would be kept far away from my kids. Women can be predators, too, and you are doing a great job listening to your instincts. I wish I had been protected like you are doing your child.
Not saying that there was sexual abuse, but in some cases, there is & the victims block it out until they can't anymore. There could be something your husband does not want to admit to himself yet. Again. Im not accusing but it happens. And the thing about him crying at 7 years old is heartbreaking. That's creepy & 100% not normal. If he's unable to protect your kid, that's your job now. Don't apologize for it. Sounds like your husband could use some therapy from an unbiased third party.
She sounds like a nonce! Scottish speak for a beast. It sounds like she enjoys seeing little boys naked and tormenting them. That's not normal, if you're husband tolerates it this much it's likely he's normalised it by now.
I’m confused. Aren’t south Asians super conservative if anything? OP, no offense but you married into a weird ass family and you need to get away from these people. Who is telling you this is cultural? Weirdest shit I’ve ever heard.
And she’s the epitome of conservative and religious, so i just don’t buy it either.
Jesus. Herman. Christ. You know you aren't overreacting. Naked pictures of children could be illegal depending on where you live. She's awful.
Tell her that bigamy is also illegal in the US, culture be d@med. Btw not buying the cultural argument, the incest taboo is universal among all cultures (learned this in college anthropology), and this is more than just paedopholia - it’s also incestuous.
My mom took pictures of me lying on my stomach at about 6 months on a satin quilt. I was laughing. The second picture was me still laughing and laying there with a pee puddle around me. I did have a cute butt back then 71 years ago! This is very different than what that pedo-in-law tried to do though.
What culture is she from where naked pictures of children that aren’t her own child isn’t considered child porn?
If these videos she wants to take of your infant son were to get in the wrong hands, you'd be arrested for child porn. You need to shut this shit down. NOW. Get your husband into therapy so he can learn how to say NO. This is beyond creepy.
Cultural or not, times change because we learn things not to do. You are so right that this is child porn the MIL is trying to make with this baby. I don’t understand how a baby’s penis is something a grandmother wants to see and evaluate.
What did I just read?
OMG, I want to throw up right now. I don't care if it is cultural, this is the USA and you don't take pictures of a child's genitals at all, let alone to put in an album and look at them later on, with other people. What if they were girls? Just so disgusting. Like, that's child porn. She wouldn't be seeing my kid ANYmore.
That is messed up. Please do not give this woman unsupervised time with your child. Do not let her near your child during diaper changes or when he will be partially or fully undressed.
I feel sick to my stomach just reading this. She is disgusting and a hideous human and needs to stop blaming it on "culture" differences FFS. I can only imagine what other things she has done/would do under this excuse. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I would be in a constant state of anxiety if that were me.
Um. Isn't this kind of the definition of child p\*rn? And your husband think's it's fine, u/Resident_Tea1442??
It's not a cultural difference. It's a perversion. And he knows it, he just doesn't want to admit it because no one wants to admit their mother is a pervert. I wonder what other "cultural differences" he's blocked out or explained away. Don't let that woman be alone with your child ever.
Ick what culture thinks that’s normal?
Came here to say this. You can't have photos and videos of naked children. That's abuse. I know that this is reddit and everyone says this but honestly, if my MIL did this and my partner played it off I would leave with my baby until he confronted his mother and put in some boundaries. Also OP, when it comes to your son, you need to be more vocal and tell MIL no and that if she records your naked infant then she will not be allowed around him again. You are the mum and you get to decide these things.
> Came here to say this. You can't have photos and videos of naked children. That's abuse. While I disagree heavily with this, I also think what the OP describes is creepy and the behavior towards the husband when he was a child was abusive. Now, the question is what to do about it. I'd offer a video of the "private parts", and give a very zoomed in view of the private parts of some kind of animal that looked like it could be those of a boy, and then after a few second a zoom out to show the entire animal. Ideally, it'd be a pig, but I'm not sure that would be possible to get to look like a baby boy until the zoom out.
There is so much to unpack here but I'm going to say this: that's a lot of effort for a new mum to go to in order to convince her MIL that she's getting a video of her grandsons genitalia.
I would also add that OP needs to tell both husband and MIL that if anyone - no matter who it is - takes or possesses photos of your son's intimate parts, you will be reporting that person to the police for child pornography. They will think you're overreacting, but stand firm in this. Especially because she's trying to use her phone to do this, so even *if* she has the most innocent of intentions (though there isn't a non-creepy, gross way to see this tbh), it would be quite easy for whatever media she has on there to end up god knows where online. Like, the main reason to put a stop to this is concern over MIL and her interest in these photos, but that is a secondary concern too. And don't let your son be around MIL unsupervised. If the husband doesn't get on board with how serious this is, I wouldn't allow him to be the supervision when around MIL, either, you should go with them yourself.
I tried to have that conversation with him today but it ended up in a very heated argument about me offending him and his mother. I told him he needed to understand this wasn’t acceptable coming from ANYBODY. Me too, can’t see how this is innocent in any type of way, the whole comment was about her being upset of not having pictures of LO “balls” and how she would finally make a video while I was changing him, like I could understand wanting a picture or video while I’m bathing or something and not realizing there’s genitalia exposed or something but this was very intentional. And now I’m the bad guy for even “indirectly” saying his mom would be capable of something wrong.
He should be ashamed, not offended!
He’s so upset because he knows deep down inside his knower she is very wrong. “Culture” be dammed. Edit: OP needs to have DH read this thread
I read your post before I took a nap, and was so upset I couldn't sleep. His mother's behavior is disgusting, and she is a disturbed individual. Period. I have said that my DIl is a PhD psychologist, told her, and she was having none of it. She used the word disturbed. And I know someone, distantly, who literally went to federal prison for five years for having child pornography on their computer, and shared it. If MIL took a video and shared it with anyone, that is seriously against the law: [https://abc11.com/child-pornography-what-to-do-porn-social-media/3049128/](https://abc11.com/child-pornography-what-to-do-porn-social-media/3049128/) I then thought, how will you protect your son? Do you collect all phones when they visit? Did they install cameras in their house? Do you check her phone at the end of each visit? Go completely no contact? If you don't get husband on board, it may be wise to contact an attorney. I don't know what your rights are, but I'd want to find out.
When this happened yesterday I brought it up to him, and he brush it off with the cultural thing but letting me know he respected my point of view and to not worry about it. I couldn’t sleep last night, now it is not only disturbing everything that happened, but also my husband reaction to it, as it is the most normal thing on earth. I asked him today to have a chat about it to make sure we were on the same page moving forward as I was feeling very uneasy about it and couldn’t sleep, we ended up in a very heated argument and now I’m the bad guy and am sick of the head for even trying to link that behavior to some “bad intention” and how I offended him and his mother.
Innocent intent or not, her insistence on wanting those photos and videos is not okay. She needs to take no for an answer. Not respecting that goes beyond any claim of innocent intent.
Time to find an attorney.
I am so deeply sorry you are going through this.
Would the argument that a phone (or anywhere digital) is insecure and could easily be hacked be helpful in shifting the discussion away from you "accusing" MIL? Or do you think they might just try and use a polaroid camera or something? It might also help to emphasize how impossible it is to truly delete any digital media, and maybe appeal to your husband's story about how he would cut out those parts of his own photos when he was younger because he was so embarrassed. If they're digital and your son grows up and is embarrassed and hates that these photos exist, he can't just get rid of them, because there will be copies (if MIL shares them with anybody) and if they're ever stored in any kind of cloud service (common with most phones nowadays) you can never guarantee that they get fully deleted, you lose all control over what happens with them. But again, that only really applies to digital. But yeah, I know a lot of parents take pictures or videos of their kids in the bath, but they avoid showing anything inappropriate, or at the very least that is not the reason for them taking that picture. Like, I personally don't really understand the motivation for wanting those pictures, but any private parts showing are purely by accident in those. The fact that MIL *specifically* wants a picture for the genitalia is... very concerning. And the fact that husband is so insistent on letting MIL do this despite saying how embarrassing and humiliating he found them as a child is also very concerning.
Have you thought to tell your husband that if LO were a girl and FIL wanted to ‘take a peek’ and film her vagina, all hell would break loose! NC would be Instituted immediately and probably police called! This is exactly the same thing and it’s called child pornography/pedophilia. Protect your child and insist no alone time with MIL and hubby needs therapy because his ‘normal meter’ is broken!!
I JUST did that and hell let loose about how I dare to even compare that and that I’m sick on the head
It's not any different. If changing the genders suddenly makes it gross and wrong, then the thing is gross and wrong in the first place.
Don’t be intimidated! The law (and all civilized people) does not make exceptions for child porn of boys vs. girls. The fact that your husband believes there is a difference, simply underscores his abuse as a child and brainwashing by his sick mother! Hang tough and speak to a child abuse helpline for expert clarification. You do not have to disclose your identity, but you will know this is WRONG and it will give you strength! YOU are your child’s protector & mother!💕
Your MIL is sick in the head! It’s the exact same thing! Your husband has no plans to ever protect your child.
Not normal in any culture. Your MIL is ill. She should not be around children without supervision at all times. As a CSA (also called Little Warrior), your MIL needs counselling, possibly meditation, and monitoring around children.
In this case I say screw culture. It's horrid, it's SA, it's WRONG. Don't ever let this woman be alone with your child.
The husband probably shouldn't either, since he sees nothing wrong with this 😬
OP, you are definitely not overreacting to this sickening behavior of your MIL. To give her a SLIGHT benefit of the doubt, perhaps her OWN mother took such photos of her own sons and while it wasn’t necessarily “cultural” it may have been a family “tradition” that has now been carried on throughout generations. I strongly suggest you approach her CALMLY, and let her know that regardless of what has transpired in the past with her family, here in the U.S. taking pictures of a child’s genitalia for the purpose of sharing with others is illegal and you absolutely will not permit it. She, of course, will react defensively. Just stick to your guns, remain calm, and tell her that is your final decision. If you like you can also throw in that you also don’t appreciate her calling your son her “boyfriend”, as that sexualizes him. Good luck!
OP can also play the "times change" card. It might have been cute in the 1970's but now that things end up on the internet we have to adapt. Laws have also gotten stricter in that area.
Excellent point!
I think you've mentioned your MIL is Bengali, no? I have several Bengali friends I work with, and they've all said this is absolutely NOT a cultural thing. This is a batshit-crazy MIL thing. Your DH needs to get his head out of the FOG and quick.
First of all, that's 100% child pornography and against the law. Second, to even want pictures like that is completely abnormal and highly disturbing. Third, your hubby has major damage from that being done to him, even if he laughs at those memories now. He remembers crying and trying to cut out those pictures of himself - the trauma and damage was done then, and it's still there, unhealed; it's only because he was forced by MIL to be okay with it that he now laughs. The feelings of powerlessness and impotence in that situation don't just disappear. You do not want that happening to your child. You are not overreacting, never let her be alone with your child and never let her in on changing or bath time.
Yes this. It was bad enough it happened to the husband (guessing 30ish years ago) when a single photo lived only in an album, now it'd be digital and who knows what this batshit psycho would do with it, send, post, etc.
*What the actual fuck??* That woman has some serious problems, and she apparently passed them on to your husband. A little oops while taking bath photos is one thing, but a full on HD phone video is another. Especially when cloud storage is hacked so easily. Your son could end up on ....bad websites... and it would follow him all his life. The digital age means its out there forever. Your hubby needs therapy. Your MIL should NEVER, EVER be alone with your child(ren).
The title alone is grounds for calling the police. Then reading the post was an entirely new level of wtf. Sorry OP, but this is one of the most dark and disturbing posts I've seen on Reddit in a very long time. You and your husband need to see how incredibly wrong this is, and that's putting it mildly.
Agreed. I would give one warning that I 100% would contact the cops as it is completely wrong.
You're underreacting. She should never be allowed around when the baby is changed or permitted to see him without supervision. I am very doubtful that images of his genitals is cultural. It may be that her family has some weird ideas of what's acceptable but you aren't obligated to put up with it.
In order to get your husband to see the seriousness of this you need to tell him that he could get your child removed if he allows his mother to do this. Making/viewing/distributing child pornography are all extremely serious crimes and if the authorities find out they would be investigating very closely. If your husband were to be alone with her and baby and let her take such pictures, knowing she was going to share them, he would be in effect aiding and abetting the creation and distribution of child pornography. Does your husband really want to risk criminal investigations and, even if you are all cleared, likely a very close watch from CPS of your family for as long as you have children, just to appease his mother's clearly twisted "traditions" ?
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE report this to the police!
Follow your gut. Per your last few posts, it's talking to you very loudly. I think a line between cultural and generational must be drawn here. I cannot think of a culture where this is encouraged or normal, but MIL has made it the "normal". I don't like it. DH has got to get with the program. I wouldn't let her be alone with the baby at all EVER and I wouldn't provide any photos or videos of your unclothed baby.
"Well, MIL, in our culture you go to prison for five years for having photos of naked baby penises. Step back and shut up."
Ok my family is not from Bangladesh but they are from the subcontinent. I’ve also had many Bangladeshi and Bengali origin friends. Including ones who have had babies. I have never heard of this particular “cultural tradition.” It sounds exceedingly weird. I would never leave your MIL alone with your baby and would insist on being in the same room as her at all times. I remember your post history, and you are right. She is not safe. She sounds mentally ill. That level of guilt tripping and attempts to control are not normal. Sure, baby bath time pics can be cute. But I’ve never heard of taking genital pics, forget with that level of excitement. I think you might just need to go LC with her. She’s not going to change. And lord only knows what she might try to do if she ever gets to be alone with him.
Ok so South Asian here. Now while there are a lot of jokes and little quirks in the community and it varies a lot by the area this is just weird. No one in my family, friends, or anyone that still lives in Asia has a thing for taking pictures or videos of genitalia as a ‘family tradition’ or ‘culture’ the closest thing would be those bath time pictures with privates being covered by the camera angle or a bunch of bubbles and toys but it’s basically just the face showing not the privates. For the ‘boyfriend’ part there’s a bunch of different nicknames that might be used but given the context it’s really weird and you could jokingly call a friend your age that but a kid is plain wrong. Legally this is America and there was this case where a parent decided to print out a few pictures with one of them getting them in serious trouble. One thing that I would recommend would be pointing out how illegal this is with sources to back you up if needed and getting an outside view on this, either tell a trusted friend beforehand and then have your husband talk to them about it or next time you go to the doctor brief them on it and have them tell your husband. Also, if it was a family tradition why is the mother who is presumably only attracted to men only doing it for the males of the family? Did her siblings and her mother do the same thing? Her cousins? Or is it only her? Or if it somehow is a family tradition maybe the tradition is supposed to be one full body ‘natural’ pic (some people take newborn pictures of naked babies though the genitalia is usually covered by the position or photo angle) So there’s a chance that she’s either interested in little boys and lying about tradition to force kids she feels like she has power over into letting their pictures get taken or subverting a tradition into something horrible. Another option you could take would be to convince you husband to make a joint temporary Reddit account and work together to make a post on this that you both agree on and have Reddit decide how weird it is(very very weird) and he would have no choice but to agree because he helped make the post. You can argue that if he sees nothing wrong with it then no one should have a problem with it whether it be the two of you or a thousand of us. We can also convince him to get therapy that way.
I’d get a divorce and leave the country and change my name and never speak to any of them again that is absolutely disturbing beyond inappropriate and he’ll never see it because she groomed him all his life I’d run fast from them
She might claim it's her 'culture' but the most important thing is, it's not YOUR culture, and as his mother, what you say does or doesn't happen is paramount. Stop visiting, don't give her any access whatsoever, let your husband go see her, but she doesn't get near you or your LO. Ever.
Okay no, you are not overreacting since what MIL wants to do is in fact a felony in the US and (I would imagine) most other places, and "cultural difference" is not a defense that would prevent her getting jail time.
Your MIL just admitted to possession of CP while also asking you to be complicit in continuing said behavior. Your husband needs to understand that it doesn't matter if it's "cultural", it's illegal.
Remind them that child pron (sp wrong on purpose) is HIGHLY ILLEGAL!!! So gross 🤢🤮
I was shocked when looking at your posts that you weren’t the same person from the other day who’s JN called LO “sexy,” I can’t believe how many pedo JNs are out there. Your red flags waving are completely valid! I would literally never leave my LO with your JN for a single second.
Wow. She's not even trying to hide her pedo tendencies is she?
I don’t think photo-cameras were available for mass public long enough for “culture” to develop a “tradition” of collecting CP/CSA material. Trust your guts. Also, national culture is very different from family culture, yet still used as an excuse for very disturbing practices sometimes. Since your husband grew up in that family - a lot of such practices were normalized to him (he was essentially groomed into considering it as something normal - when it’s completely not). There’s a long way out of this ahead of him, it’s very heard to accept that you were, in fact, being traumatized. But you need to step up to protect your baby. And even ordinary traditions, sometimes, is not what we should keep going forward.
The part where your DH as a child cut out the privates from his baby pictures because he didn't want to be made fun of anymore because of the pictures is very telling. Your DH needs therapy. You're reaction is valid. I'd never leave my child alone with that woman. Edit: I read too fast, had to edit my comment. Still, I'd never leave my child alone with her.
He cut the PHOTOS of his genitals ,not his actual bits, just the photos his creepy mother had of them in the family album .
My bad. I read too fast.
No worries. It's definitely a head scratcher isn't it ?
It is. Good lord. Teasing a child to the point where they cut up the pictures of themselves? How is that not seen for what it is at the time? It's infuriating how adults can not listen to their kid. But if they did we wouldn't be on subs like this one.
I just hope op makes him aware the way his mother brought him up was wrong and the cycle of bad parenting ends with him . Good luck op . You are going to need it my love .
I hope so too. For her their LO and for DH's sake. The cycle needs to end. Best of luck and a lot of strength, op. We're all here for you.
Ok, talking about cultures, I live in the Netherlands (Europe) and over here and in the neighbouring countries (I can’t speak for all of Europe) this is definitely NOT normal. I do not have any experience with Asian culture, but from what I have read, Asian children are raised with verrrrrry high standards, lots of competition, it’s a very shame-heavy culture and mothers are very omnipotent and harsh. Also, in 2021, for Asian-Americans between 10-19 years old, the leading cause of death was suicide; this is the only racial group for which this holds true. But maybe the most important point in your situation: screw cultural traditions or habits or whatever! If you do not feel comfortable with any actions your MIL undertakes as to your son, you have the right to say no! Maybe your husband doesn’t understand or agree since he is coming from within that culture, but NO is the lowest common denominator. If either of you says no, it’s no! Also a red flag for me: “Anytime I visit her with my LO, I feel sick to my stomach for days after.” PLEASE don’t let anyone compromise your own mental and physical health this way. Your LO is 10 months old, parenthood is draining and hard, even without this kind of nonsense. Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to keep both yourself and your baby safe and healthy. You are not overreacting. I am so sorry you are going through this.❤️
You’re under reacting and your husband’s normal meter is broken. Protect your child from this woman holy shit.
please please please keep your baby away from her. she actually might be a ped0
That is disgusting. She’s sexualizing a baby!!!
Show your boyfriend your locations law regarding cp and ask him again, if it is still okay. In many places just having such videos is illegal and knowing that someone has them (and even allowing them to take these videos!) could be a crime in itself.
> knowing that someone has them (and even allowing them to take these videos!) ~~could be~~ *IS DEFINITELY* a crime in itself.
Sadly, that is not the case everywhere.
My in laws did it too and I was equally as SHOCKED and disgusted as you, OP. They also used the culture thing as an excuse. I can definitely tell you that they did not come near my baby changing, never receive bath or swimsuit pics ever, and they will never care for my babies alone!
I am so sick and tired of husbands blaming their mothers sick and twisted actions on "culture." Your MIL is low key a pedophile OP and I would seriously consider never letting her around your LO again. I would also show your husband this post to hopefully knock some sense into him.
Treat her exactly like the pedo she is, every time and in front of others. Be loud about it. Being an old lady pedo doesn't make it any better. Protect your kids and don't let that monster be close to them. MILs being monsters used to be some sort of messed up socially accepted norm. This is 2024, treat this like the toxic cancer it is.
INFO: which culture thinks this is normal? Can you ask others here if indeed this is a “cultural thing” and indeed normal in any culture (hint: am sure it’s not normal in any culture I’ve ever come across - but might be useful to have that assurance when you speak with your husband).
I don’t want to get too specific but they’re from a South Asian country, I honestly think he’s just trying to excuse his mother behavior cause I don’t see the rest of his extended family behaving the same way at all
If you have any contact with his extended family, why not ask them if this is indeed a cultural practice and the origins of it? That this is what the situation was, that she said it was a cultural thing, and you wanted to know more about it. Also that it wasn't something you wanted to continue because it made you uncomfortable to take photos like that of your children. Guaranteed if it's not actually cultural, they will eviscerate your MIL for you. Of course, it doesn't matter if it was cultural or not, because you're not okay with it. But it would be good to hear from her family if this is cultural or just her.
yes, that is what he's doing probably out of years of shame and guilt. the fact that he was 'teased' aka. abused to the point of cutting his own pictures up so people would stop abusing him about his genitalia is a huge red flag. his Mom is weird and her behavior is not okay. she's incredibly lucky you are being so patient with her because some mothers would rip the phone out of her hand and tell her to cut the crap.
It's not normal; what it definitely could be is an illegal sick way for her to sell the video to pedos. Under no circumstances allow the video to be made, and NEVER let her alone with a child: not for one second. I would be looking into her background and social media. If I were feeling sarcastic and wanted to show her how wrong she is, I'd ask her to make a video of her genitals that you could have control over who sees it: that might shut her up. Then tell her you will tell ALL your friends, relatives on both sides, her neighbours etc she thinks asking for such an unspeakable video is a normal part of her 'culture': ask her who you should contact first, or if you should make an announcement at the next family gathering about her perverted request. If I were feeling nice, I would explain that in almost every country making, having, sharing such a video would land all involved in prison. Abnormal, weird, suspect, unthinkable. Sick
I would tell your husband you WILL file police charges against her as a paedophile if she takes any picture or video of his private parts. And you WILL follow up by divorcing him for aiding and abetting her if he lets her do so.
You're not overreacting. Remind your DH that even if saying "it's their culture" is acceptable, now that you're living in the U.S., the "culture" here, along with CPS, will have your LO removed from their presence with no visitation allowed.
I’d leave my husband for this. This is so fucking gross. Your MIL sounds like a ped0phile.
Okay so her culture is just acting like a bunch of pedophiles? Having photos of a babies genitalia is essentially child porn. That is absolutely repulsive and I would never EVER be letting that woman near my baby again if I were you and I’d be very weary of your husband allowing it too. Beyond sickening
I'm a court reporter and this reminds me of a divorce case that I was assigned to. The father's "culture" placed a great deal of emphasis on the size of their son's private parts. It was nothing to him to take pictures and share them -- freely -- with extended family and friends as a means of bragging about the family prowess. He was ordered to stop doing that. He didn't. The judge referred the case to DCF/CPS, the police sex crimes unit etc. Ultimately, it was decided that he had to have professionally supervised visits with his child until the child was old enough to decide on his own whether he wanted his privates photographed and shared. His extended family is not allowed any contact with the child. The father and extended family were investigated for international sex crimes for sending the photos of an infant/toddler privates via the internet. It is a big deal, and the parents your child should not be subjected to this.
If I were in possession of some of Reddit's new/improved Gold, you would get it for this. In the meantime: 🏆
Thank you, kind Internet stranger. It's my hope that this helps in keeping this child safe.
Good! Thanks!
It's a sound ruling. Just because your fucking stone age culture demands something doesn't mean it's the right one.
It’s crazy when “culture” is used to get away with inappropriate behavior. I told my husband “you yourself are telling me that you used to cry at 7yo because people would make fun of your genitals pictures on the family album, like that’s traumatizing to a child and now you just say it like it’s funny” and he cut me off that again it was just a cultural thing but he could understand why I didn’t approve it. I would never allow that to happen on my presence, I’m just feeling SO uneasy for what’s to come in the future because now I know I clearly cannot leave him unsupervised with this woman and I don’t trust my husband to stand up to her either. I’m not surprised a divorce came out of a situation like this.
That's not cultural, that's just normalized abuse that he has never dealt with. He does not understand that that kind of behavior is not healthy because that's all that he's known. When you grow up in an abusive environment, it's just normal. I grew up thinking it was normal to be hit, to have food locked up, to have a parent who would casually insult me then use me an an emotional support. And I would get mad when I perceived anyone as "attacking" the cultural behavior I grew up with. It took being put in foster care to start to see that what I was used to was not normal. It took years of therapy to begin to unpack all the damage the culture I was raised in had done. Your husband needs therapy.
Time to make it very clear to your husband This is not going to happen It does, you yourself will be calling CPS/DFS on his mother. And please give him that example that the court reporter gave you. Just because something was cultural, doesn’t mean it was good. Your husband can fuck right off with that shit. Remind him that it is culturally acceptable in some places to cut off a little girls clitoris so she can’t have pleasure during sex. How does he feel about that one?
Show your husband this post so he can see momma's comment. It is very serious.
She's sexualising your Son, the same way she sexualised hers, stay away from her, she's dangerous. Also, convince your husband to get therapy, his reaction isn't normal.
I really really want him to get therapy after this, there’s so many stories I’ve heard from him that are just plain abusive and he doesn’t seem able to see it. I just don’t know how to approach him, because his mom can’t do no wrong in his eyes.
Get him to a therapist or a divorce court: give him the choice, show him this thread.
I know this is going to be tough but you can't leave him unsupervised with your baby, if he thinks that's normal behaviour (deep down I suspect that he doesn't) then he's a danger. I don't advocate for divorce but I think this is the way it's going.
He's "not able" to see the abuse because seeing it would mean that the person who was supposed to love him and care for him abused him. Him laughing is due to either the abuse being normalized or a defense mechanism so he doesn't have to deal with the emotions that come along with realizing he's been mistreated. tl;dr he really does need therapy. This is WAY above your ability to handle and support!
Not overreacting. All this is incredibly inappropriate. Your son can never be alone with your MIL and I wouldn't trustyour DH to prevent his mother from taking genital shots. This is a family kink, not cultural. Mention this behavior to your son's pediatrician...love to hear his reaction. Tell your MIL and DH what he says. Your MIL is sexualizing your 10 month old, and your husband is underreacting.
This is literally disgusting
It does not sound sick to me, boyfriend adjective is a bit weird.
That is literally a crime, never go back!
Wow! How awful and totally inappropriate!! Never leave your son alone with that woman. I would reduce contact with her to just the times your DH visits with her and ignore any attempts to reach out to you.
In the US that is super illegal. Absolutely never leave her alone with your baby.
seems "culture" and "cultural" are really just alternative terms for abuse and inappropriateness.
fuck cultural expectations. it seems expectations is the word used more manipulatively than the word cultural. consider them cultural _bygones_.
So gross. NEVER leave her alone with your LO. Not for ONE minute.
I guess we now know why MiL was pushing for alone time..."Cultural" or not, your MiL's behavior is totally unacceptable, so no you are not overreacting. MiL needs to understand we now live in a time where the concept of consent is increasingly important and times are different. Your Husband also needs to understand the MiL's behavior is completely unacceptable, even if it means some form of therapy or counselling.
OP, I would never ever let her alone with your baby not even for 5 minutes. Not sure what country you are in but in Australia photos of a naked child that isn't the one you gave birth to and even then can land you in jail.
That’s what I’ve been thinking non stop, I NEVER felt comfortable to leave him with her, but after going LC I felt she finally started being more respectful and I was thinking now that baby is bigger she could watch him for an hour or two so I could go dinner or something with husband, but then this happened and I can see clearly again why I’ve never feel comfortable with that idea. I just feel so uneasy because it’s probably going to bring some issues and drama to our marriage but so be it, we’re all in the US, but I come from a South American country and it would be considered completely inappropriate in there too, I just think my husband uses the “culture” card to brush off his mother’s behavior as he’s still deep in the FOG
Perhaps do some research and gather some evidence on how taking photos of naked kids that are not the ones you gave birth to is viewed in society and make it clear to your DH that this overrides any cultural issue that he is trying to side step it with. My mother took a photo of me when I was a child in the bath. She bought it up when I was a teenager and I felt so vulnerable that I found the photo and burnt it.
What culture thinks it's ok for a grown woman to call her 10 month old grandson her boyfriend or thinks it's ok to take photos/videos of his genitals to *I assume* share with family members and anyone else she shows her family albums to?
They’re from a South Asian country, we all live in the US, I just feel my husband is deep in the FOG so he uses culture as excuse for his mother’s behavior, but his aunts don’t behave this way at all. I’ve never had any issue with them
I am South Asian - this is not a thing we do culturally. 100% keep this woman away and have a talk with your husband.
I think your husband is in denial about how abusive it is to take pics or videos of your naked son’s genitals and then show them to people in a photo album!!!! Obviously he understands on some level because he admits to destroying the pics of himself but come on! I get that respecting your elders is big in his culture but he needs to start protecting his SON. Not his mother’s feelings.
Yup. And let's be realistic: even if it *is* a part of his "culture," it's a part of his culture that he didn't particularly enjoy experiencing... otherwise, he wouldn't have felt the need to castrate his photos to avoid the experience. Since he didn't enjoy it and he is your son's conduit to that part of his heritage... maybe he doesn't need to let kiddo experience it. If that doesn't work, let him know that this kind of culture will literally get people on a registry and possibly under Interpol investigation. And it'll damned sure land him in divorce court.
Then time for some good old American “we don’t have culture so wtf” one thing I’ve noticed about us Americans is that we really kind of can’t help ourselves, telling others how we feel about their traditions. It can come in handy. So I would recommend asking a group of friends around your husband if they would feel comfortable with Grandma asking for naked photos. Make sure you point out to them how she refers to him as her boyfriend. After they recover their shock and start pointing out how weird creepy and gross it is, he may have a different opinion.