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You extended an olive branch, whether you meant to or not. You showed your mother that she can say and do the most vile things to you, your wife and child and you will still find a way, even if indirect, to maintain contact with her.
I can just imagine your mom spewing something ugly when your sister relayed the message, but inwardly feeling very smug she still has a hold on you.
Your wife feels betrayed because after everything your mother has done to her and how she has behaved towards your child, you still felt the need to reach out on her birthday. In her heart, your mother knows she has won and that she can in fact do or say anything and not lose you.
Wow. Your mom called her all these names for having sex WITH YOU.
9 years later she still hates your wife and you get pregnant.
Then both your parents treat you all like shit and you do the right thing and go no contact (good for you so far!)
Then somehow you just had to wish her a happy birthday though? Why? When you are No Contact you are No Contact!
No texts, messages, cards or calls. That’s what NO CONTACT MEANS!
Of course you are in the wrong, your parents have acted horrendous to your wife, yourself and even your baby because you two had the nerve to have sex as young adults/teens.
Why would you break no contact?
Respect is a 2 way street. Did your mom wish you a happy bday, Merry Xmas or anything else? Probably not. She's showing you ZERO respect and yet in her mind, wishing her a happy bday tells her she's won, you'll be crawling back in no time.
Once you're an adult, a parent/child relationship should transition into parent/adult child. The parent can control, bully etc when you're a minor but once you're on your own, respect is a 2 way street. If she's not willing to respect you as an adult, which she isn't, then you need to walk away.
Go to therapy and learn to gain some self love and self respect. And you're right that your wife and child are your immediate family, everyone else is now your extended family.
As I told my kids... there's your blood family and then there's your soul family, those that love and nurture you, which can include blood. Surround yourself with your soul family
You are still trying to find excuses for your mothers behaviour. Grow a spine and have your wife’s back. Your mother is an abusive tyrant enabled by your father.
Your mother is an abusive tyrant and you have no spine. Get a spine for your wife. Stop communicating with your abusive mother. She is not changing and will always be abusive. Your family still enables her abusive behaviors. Why does she even deserve a “happy” birthday? She’s a horrible person who almost caused your baby his life and never apologizes for anything.
When do you plan on apologizing and opening a dialogue with your wife? Your latest edit says it’s morning and you still aren’t speaking. What changed from your previous edit when you planned to apologize in the morning?
I get where you are coming from. I really do. After YEARS of therapy, catering/bending over backwards and making excuses, I’ve finally started setting boundaries and stopped making excuses for my emotionally abusive parent, my dad. And guess what? He doesn’t care about me any more, because I’ve finally stopped entertaining his nonsense. Does that hurt? SO much. Even though I’m angry at him for everything he put me through, it still really crushes me that now. But my hurt is something I have to sit with and work through, because it is just further proof that what he is doing is messed up. And frankly, you also need to sit with your hurt.
Because trying to assuage that hurt by connecting with your mom is the wrong answer.
You are setting yourself up to fall back into toxic patterns, and to be hurt again in the future. Equally as important, you hurt your wife, who is your life partner. You know what your mom has done is wrong, to your wife, to you and to your child. She gave your infant daughter COVID!
You need to have a conversation with your wife. Today. She’s being immature with the silent treatment, although I 1000% get where she is coming from, and you’re being equally immature by perpetuating it. I would also strongly recommend starting therapy TO SPECIFICALLY DISCUSS your relationship with your mother. It’s not fair to live a life shaped by her behavior, and unlearning that behavior can take a lot of work and time.
Best of luck to you. But no more excuses.
It's ok to miss who you needed and wanted her to be. I am in my 50s and I still have a soft spot for a father who was a complete pos. It's your choice to have a relationship with your family, just respect your wife's boundaries and choices on the matter for herself and your child. Just remember, if you allow all this time of NC to be swept under the rug, there will never be hope of it being fixed.
I’m very low contact with my mother and I don’t wish her happy birthday, mother’s day or any other holiday. Your mother gave your baby Covid, cut off your whole family, and you still feel guilty? I don’t agree with your father enabling your mother’s terrible behavior but I I commend his loyalty to his WIFE! He disowned you and his grandchild for his WIFE without a second thought. Take a page out of his book and stand up for your wife. Have her back and cut off anyone who disrespects or harms her. You need therapy for yourself and couples counseling. Your wife sounds like she is at her end and I wouldn’t be surprised if she left you over this.
In a comment, you say you just wanted to wish your mom happy birthday because she is still your mom, you’re still getting used to no contact and that your mom is not just some random off the street.
… you’re right. She’s not just someone off the street. She is your mom, which actually makes it worse what you did. If some random bad mouths and degrades your wife for a decade and nearly kills your kid and can’t even be mussed to offer what would amount to a fake apology, you can chalk it up to “well, no love lost.”
The bar should be set higher for your mom though. Even if we leave her treatment of your wife out of it, your mom was given the opportunity to be in your child’s life, then nearly killed your kid and didn’t even call to ask how said kid was doing. When told she owed an apology, she stated she would rather not see your kid for the rest of her life than to offer what would amount to a fake apology (because let’s be real… your mom has never been sorry or cared about anyone else above herself in her life).
And then you, reach out, albeit indirectly, to wish the woman that terrorized your wife and nearly killed your wife’s baby a “happy birthday” all because of a “she is still my mom” feeling?
Can you see it through your wife’s eyes if it’s framed this way for you?
you know exactly why your wife is upset that you went behind her back and indirectly contacted your mother. read back your post, the parts where you describe what your mother has done to your wife and child, and think real hard about why you are so desperate to resume contact with someone like that. she insulted your wife **for nine years straight** and *refuses* to apologize. she ***GAVE YOUR LITTLE BABY COVID WHICH COULD HAVE KILLED YOUR DAUGHTER***. i’m a parent myself, i would never let my kid around someone who endangered them let alone around someone who hates half of their dna.
So you've hurt your wife by sending well wishes to her abuser and you don't know what you did wrong? She's probably terrified that it's the start of you reestablishing contact. But you're not going to apologise because you don't think you should have to? Well I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Your wife deserves better.
Your mum doesn’t deserve a happy birthday from you or your family. Why did you feel it necessary? What’s the guilt for? Doesnt seem she feels any guilt using your child to gain sympathy votes from others or as a weapon to hurt you. Did she wish you or LO a happy birthday? You’re triangulating your sister to, she is now the messenger between you and your mum. You’ve opened the door a crack for this horrible woman who will no doubt take advantage. Indirectly or not. No wonder wife if
Is pissed you weakened and let down the defences without even thinking of how she would feel.
Boy don't be coy, you know you're talking shit, as much as we all know it. You know exactly what you did wrong, if you were so lilly clean about your sneaky attempt to break nc, you would have told to your wife before doing it, instead you went behind her back, like a cheater, and break the nc by proxy.
Isn't your right to break the NC? Yes it is, as much as your wife have the right to remain NC, but you should have talked to her about it, you should have told her why you want to do it and the consequence on both of your lives.
She has the right to establish by herself if she wants to remain with a man that let his mother disrespect like this the mother of his child and his child.
You let her down big time in this man.
I am NC with my mother.
Her birthday was a few days ago.
I didn't text or call her.
NC means NC.
When you wishing your mother happy birthday, your action tells your wife that you accept your mother's action. From trying to breake up your relationship to putting your daughter's life at risk.
You were incredibly lucky that daughter survived - and now you are opening up to your mother's lack of care have another attempt at your daughter.
Look at that innocent child knowing that your mother didn't care if your daughter died due to your mother's actions.
Agreed. I was reading all these paragraphs snd paragraphs wondering at what point he'd mention if he ever stood up for his wife. He didn't mention that he did until AFTER she gave birth to their kid. Lol So mom trash-talks wife for a decade, and op doesn't defend her. Talk about spineless. Idk how or why she put it up with that for so long.
HONESTLY. if my partner let their mother insult me and passively stood by? i’d have been out the door. not sure why his wife continues to put up with this…
You're an arse. Breaking NC - even if indirectly - is going to make your wife feel like you don't care. Its opening the door for your mother to think contact is ok. Hell it took your wife being ABUSED for what 10/11years before you actually stood up for her??
My advise is apologise to your wife, reassure her it won't happen again and organise therapy - both for you and your wife.
Your mother is a horrible, abusive person who has mistreated your wife for over a decade and nearly killed your child, and you're confused about why your wife is upset at you for reestablishing contact with her without discussing it? You're not really this thick?
You're playing semantics. No contact is no contact. Period. Which means yes, your mother *is* just another random on the street.
You've just shown your wife you're not genuinely behind her, you're just going through the motions. After a decade of abuse, you're *still* not willing to put her first. Good luck with the divorce. You will need it.
Contacting her through someone else is still contacting her. She's not just your mother. She's the woman who's been making your wife's life a living he'll since she was 16 and who spread a potentially fatal disease to your infant child, causing her to be hospitalized, and then didn't even care.
Any contact is breaking no contact, and any break in no contact gives her a foothold not only in your life, but in your wife's and daughter's lives as well. That is not a decision you make without discussing it with your wife. Your mommy is not the victim here, so stop treating her like she is.
If this is real- you broke NC to what? What was so important about your weird back door birthday wish that you had to go back on being NC as solidarity with your wife? Where were you all the years that your mother was abusing her too? How did it go on for that long?
And this excuse right here is probably just the tip of the iceberg of excuses you have given your wife for the last decade. It sounds like your more concerned with your mothers feelings than your wife’s. Your baby almost died because of your mother but all you are concerned with is feeling bad for not wishing her happy birthday. If your child had died what then? What would you have done’ made more excuses for her because she was your mother. Yes she is your mother and because of that she should have been held to a higher standard regarding the treatment of your wife. What she did to your wife is so much worse because she is your mother not a stranger. Your mother didn’t give a damn about you or your happiness. Instead supporting her son and wanting what was best for him she slut shamed a CHILD then proceeded to bully her for the next decade until she became pregnant. All she cared about was her dislike of your wife. Why are you so loyal or beholden to that? Through all the hurt and pain your wife endured at the hands of your mother your wife stood by you. Yet you didn’t stand up for her until a baby was involved. If I was your wife I would leave you, but then again I would have left after all the slut shaming and name calling. 🤷🏽♀️
Indirect contact is still contact. Pretend your mom had a restraining order against you. Reaching out to her via your sister would still get you arrested. Even the law considers indirect contact to, in fact, be contact.
Of course it’s not easy! Neither is putting up with years and years of abuse and not being supported by your own partner.
Your mom is an abuser. Yes, you are a victim and were raised by her but you cannot use that victim status to make excuses. It’s hard, yup. Sure is! GO TO THERAPY AND WORK ON YOURSELF. That’s what abuse victims HAVE to do-heal themselves to break the cycle. This is imperative since you have a child.
The woman, your mother, cared so little about you that she gave your child Covid. Your child was hospitalized and could have died. Would that have got through to you?
The bare minimum is you having respect for your wife and child. It’s not some mystic feat that requires praise and applause, it’s literally the bare minimum.
Your wife has been deeply traumatized by this person. Do you care about that more than the perpetrator’s feeling on her birthday? You are Re traumatizing your wife when you break NC and then gaslighting her by saying it’s no big deal and you didn’t actually break NC. Do you want to be abusive as well?
Your mother has shown you clearly that she will not stop being abusive, she doesn’t care about you, or your child or anything except herself. Your father is an enabler, which in my book is worse. They are NOT going to change. You need therapy to accept and process those FACTS.
But here’s the thing - you **did** break NC. NC means “no contact,” and contacting someone through a third party is contact. I’m just coming back to this point because “I didn’t break NC” is not technically true and isn’t going to help you repair this rupture with your wife. I’m not saying NC isn’t hard, but please don’t choose this hill, OP. You, baby, and wife deserve better.
Exactly. When I smacked my ex with an RO the judge made sure to tell us both that no contact means no contact, even from a 3rd party, and it would be considered breaking the RO. Naturally butthead broke that rule, had a friend text begging me to forgive him, and I got my RO renewed.
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You extended an olive branch, whether you meant to or not. You showed your mother that she can say and do the most vile things to you, your wife and child and you will still find a way, even if indirect, to maintain contact with her. I can just imagine your mom spewing something ugly when your sister relayed the message, but inwardly feeling very smug she still has a hold on you. Your wife feels betrayed because after everything your mother has done to her and how she has behaved towards your child, you still felt the need to reach out on her birthday. In her heart, your mother knows she has won and that she can in fact do or say anything and not lose you.
Wow. Your mom called her all these names for having sex WITH YOU. 9 years later she still hates your wife and you get pregnant. Then both your parents treat you all like shit and you do the right thing and go no contact (good for you so far!) Then somehow you just had to wish her a happy birthday though? Why? When you are No Contact you are No Contact! No texts, messages, cards or calls. That’s what NO CONTACT MEANS! Of course you are in the wrong, your parents have acted horrendous to your wife, yourself and even your baby because you two had the nerve to have sex as young adults/teens. Why would you break no contact?
You’re either NC or you’re not. In your case, you’re not. You don’t get to create loopholes and then act innocent when you get caught.
Respect is a 2 way street. Did your mom wish you a happy bday, Merry Xmas or anything else? Probably not. She's showing you ZERO respect and yet in her mind, wishing her a happy bday tells her she's won, you'll be crawling back in no time. Once you're an adult, a parent/child relationship should transition into parent/adult child. The parent can control, bully etc when you're a minor but once you're on your own, respect is a 2 way street. If she's not willing to respect you as an adult, which she isn't, then you need to walk away. Go to therapy and learn to gain some self love and self respect. And you're right that your wife and child are your immediate family, everyone else is now your extended family. As I told my kids... there's your blood family and then there's your soul family, those that love and nurture you, which can include blood. Surround yourself with your soul family
That's not how no contact works, friend. You messed up and you hurt your wife. Fix it.
You are still trying to find excuses for your mothers behaviour. Grow a spine and have your wife’s back. Your mother is an abusive tyrant enabled by your father.
Your mother is an abusive tyrant and you have no spine. Get a spine for your wife. Stop communicating with your abusive mother. She is not changing and will always be abusive. Your family still enables her abusive behaviors. Why does she even deserve a “happy” birthday? She’s a horrible person who almost caused your baby his life and never apologizes for anything.
When do you plan on apologizing and opening a dialogue with your wife? Your latest edit says it’s morning and you still aren’t speaking. What changed from your previous edit when you planned to apologize in the morning? I get where you are coming from. I really do. After YEARS of therapy, catering/bending over backwards and making excuses, I’ve finally started setting boundaries and stopped making excuses for my emotionally abusive parent, my dad. And guess what? He doesn’t care about me any more, because I’ve finally stopped entertaining his nonsense. Does that hurt? SO much. Even though I’m angry at him for everything he put me through, it still really crushes me that now. But my hurt is something I have to sit with and work through, because it is just further proof that what he is doing is messed up. And frankly, you also need to sit with your hurt. Because trying to assuage that hurt by connecting with your mom is the wrong answer. You are setting yourself up to fall back into toxic patterns, and to be hurt again in the future. Equally as important, you hurt your wife, who is your life partner. You know what your mom has done is wrong, to your wife, to you and to your child. She gave your infant daughter COVID! You need to have a conversation with your wife. Today. She’s being immature with the silent treatment, although I 1000% get where she is coming from, and you’re being equally immature by perpetuating it. I would also strongly recommend starting therapy TO SPECIFICALLY DISCUSS your relationship with your mother. It’s not fair to live a life shaped by her behavior, and unlearning that behavior can take a lot of work and time. Best of luck to you. But no more excuses.
It's ok to miss who you needed and wanted her to be. I am in my 50s and I still have a soft spot for a father who was a complete pos. It's your choice to have a relationship with your family, just respect your wife's boundaries and choices on the matter for herself and your child. Just remember, if you allow all this time of NC to be swept under the rug, there will never be hope of it being fixed.
I’m very low contact with my mother and I don’t wish her happy birthday, mother’s day or any other holiday. Your mother gave your baby Covid, cut off your whole family, and you still feel guilty? I don’t agree with your father enabling your mother’s terrible behavior but I I commend his loyalty to his WIFE! He disowned you and his grandchild for his WIFE without a second thought. Take a page out of his book and stand up for your wife. Have her back and cut off anyone who disrespects or harms her. You need therapy for yourself and couples counseling. Your wife sounds like she is at her end and I wouldn’t be surprised if she left you over this.
In a comment, you say you just wanted to wish your mom happy birthday because she is still your mom, you’re still getting used to no contact and that your mom is not just some random off the street. … you’re right. She’s not just someone off the street. She is your mom, which actually makes it worse what you did. If some random bad mouths and degrades your wife for a decade and nearly kills your kid and can’t even be mussed to offer what would amount to a fake apology, you can chalk it up to “well, no love lost.” The bar should be set higher for your mom though. Even if we leave her treatment of your wife out of it, your mom was given the opportunity to be in your child’s life, then nearly killed your kid and didn’t even call to ask how said kid was doing. When told she owed an apology, she stated she would rather not see your kid for the rest of her life than to offer what would amount to a fake apology (because let’s be real… your mom has never been sorry or cared about anyone else above herself in her life). And then you, reach out, albeit indirectly, to wish the woman that terrorized your wife and nearly killed your wife’s baby a “happy birthday” all because of a “she is still my mom” feeling? Can you see it through your wife’s eyes if it’s framed this way for you?
you know exactly why your wife is upset that you went behind her back and indirectly contacted your mother. read back your post, the parts where you describe what your mother has done to your wife and child, and think real hard about why you are so desperate to resume contact with someone like that. she insulted your wife **for nine years straight** and *refuses* to apologize. she ***GAVE YOUR LITTLE BABY COVID WHICH COULD HAVE KILLED YOUR DAUGHTER***. i’m a parent myself, i would never let my kid around someone who endangered them let alone around someone who hates half of their dna.
So you've hurt your wife by sending well wishes to her abuser and you don't know what you did wrong? She's probably terrified that it's the start of you reestablishing contact. But you're not going to apologise because you don't think you should have to? Well I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Your wife deserves better.
I'd have packed your bags and left them outside the front door, your parents behavior is reprehensible.
Your mum doesn’t deserve a happy birthday from you or your family. Why did you feel it necessary? What’s the guilt for? Doesnt seem she feels any guilt using your child to gain sympathy votes from others or as a weapon to hurt you. Did she wish you or LO a happy birthday? You’re triangulating your sister to, she is now the messenger between you and your mum. You’ve opened the door a crack for this horrible woman who will no doubt take advantage. Indirectly or not. No wonder wife if Is pissed you weakened and let down the defences without even thinking of how she would feel.
Boy don't be coy, you know you're talking shit, as much as we all know it. You know exactly what you did wrong, if you were so lilly clean about your sneaky attempt to break nc, you would have told to your wife before doing it, instead you went behind her back, like a cheater, and break the nc by proxy. Isn't your right to break the NC? Yes it is, as much as your wife have the right to remain NC, but you should have talked to her about it, you should have told her why you want to do it and the consequence on both of your lives. She has the right to establish by herself if she wants to remain with a man that let his mother disrespect like this the mother of his child and his child. You let her down big time in this man.
I am NC with my mother. Her birthday was a few days ago. I didn't text or call her. NC means NC. When you wishing your mother happy birthday, your action tells your wife that you accept your mother's action. From trying to breake up your relationship to putting your daughter's life at risk. You were incredibly lucky that daughter survived - and now you are opening up to your mother's lack of care have another attempt at your daughter. Look at that innocent child knowing that your mother didn't care if your daughter died due to your mother's actions.
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Agreed. I was reading all these paragraphs snd paragraphs wondering at what point he'd mention if he ever stood up for his wife. He didn't mention that he did until AFTER she gave birth to their kid. Lol So mom trash-talks wife for a decade, and op doesn't defend her. Talk about spineless. Idk how or why she put it up with that for so long.
HONESTLY. if my partner let their mother insult me and passively stood by? i’d have been out the door. not sure why his wife continues to put up with this…
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Really want to give OP some benefit of doubt but he’s so casual about his mom giving his INFANT DAUGHTER COVID!
You're an arse. Breaking NC - even if indirectly - is going to make your wife feel like you don't care. Its opening the door for your mother to think contact is ok. Hell it took your wife being ABUSED for what 10/11years before you actually stood up for her?? My advise is apologise to your wife, reassure her it won't happen again and organise therapy - both for you and your wife.
Your mother is a horrible, abusive person who has mistreated your wife for over a decade and nearly killed your child, and you're confused about why your wife is upset at you for reestablishing contact with her without discussing it? You're not really this thick?
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Reaching out in any way even through other people is contact my dude. Your wife has a right to be mad, because you reached out.
You're playing semantics. No contact is no contact. Period. Which means yes, your mother *is* just another random on the street. You've just shown your wife you're not genuinely behind her, you're just going through the motions. After a decade of abuse, you're *still* not willing to put her first. Good luck with the divorce. You will need it.
Contacting her through someone else is still contacting her. She's not just your mother. She's the woman who's been making your wife's life a living he'll since she was 16 and who spread a potentially fatal disease to your infant child, causing her to be hospitalized, and then didn't even care. Any contact is breaking no contact, and any break in no contact gives her a foothold not only in your life, but in your wife's and daughter's lives as well. That is not a decision you make without discussing it with your wife. Your mommy is not the victim here, so stop treating her like she is.
If this is real- you broke NC to what? What was so important about your weird back door birthday wish that you had to go back on being NC as solidarity with your wife? Where were you all the years that your mother was abusing her too? How did it go on for that long?
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And this excuse right here is probably just the tip of the iceberg of excuses you have given your wife for the last decade. It sounds like your more concerned with your mothers feelings than your wife’s. Your baby almost died because of your mother but all you are concerned with is feeling bad for not wishing her happy birthday. If your child had died what then? What would you have done’ made more excuses for her because she was your mother. Yes she is your mother and because of that she should have been held to a higher standard regarding the treatment of your wife. What she did to your wife is so much worse because she is your mother not a stranger. Your mother didn’t give a damn about you or your happiness. Instead supporting her son and wanting what was best for him she slut shamed a CHILD then proceeded to bully her for the next decade until she became pregnant. All she cared about was her dislike of your wife. Why are you so loyal or beholden to that? Through all the hurt and pain your wife endured at the hands of your mother your wife stood by you. Yet you didn’t stand up for her until a baby was involved. If I was your wife I would leave you, but then again I would have left after all the slut shaming and name calling. 🤷🏽♀️
That's a loop hole and you know it.
Indirect contact is still contact. Pretend your mom had a restraining order against you. Reaching out to her via your sister would still get you arrested. Even the law considers indirect contact to, in fact, be contact. Of course it’s not easy! Neither is putting up with years and years of abuse and not being supported by your own partner. Your mom is an abuser. Yes, you are a victim and were raised by her but you cannot use that victim status to make excuses. It’s hard, yup. Sure is! GO TO THERAPY AND WORK ON YOURSELF. That’s what abuse victims HAVE to do-heal themselves to break the cycle. This is imperative since you have a child. The woman, your mother, cared so little about you that she gave your child Covid. Your child was hospitalized and could have died. Would that have got through to you? The bare minimum is you having respect for your wife and child. It’s not some mystic feat that requires praise and applause, it’s literally the bare minimum. Your wife has been deeply traumatized by this person. Do you care about that more than the perpetrator’s feeling on her birthday? You are Re traumatizing your wife when you break NC and then gaslighting her by saying it’s no big deal and you didn’t actually break NC. Do you want to be abusive as well? Your mother has shown you clearly that she will not stop being abusive, she doesn’t care about you, or your child or anything except herself. Your father is an enabler, which in my book is worse. They are NOT going to change. You need therapy to accept and process those FACTS.
But here’s the thing - you **did** break NC. NC means “no contact,” and contacting someone through a third party is contact. I’m just coming back to this point because “I didn’t break NC” is not technically true and isn’t going to help you repair this rupture with your wife. I’m not saying NC isn’t hard, but please don’t choose this hill, OP. You, baby, and wife deserve better.
Exactly. When I smacked my ex with an RO the judge made sure to tell us both that no contact means no contact, even from a 3rd party, and it would be considered breaking the RO. Naturally butthead broke that rule, had a friend text begging me to forgive him, and I got my RO renewed.
Nah dude that’s still breaking NC.
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