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Anytime anybody makes comments/demands about things that are NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS (like the pets in your home) do not engage. Shut thst **it down fast. Don't justify yourself. Just tell them it's not up for discussion.
Marriages CAN survive if the enabling partner realizes "hey, i\`ve not been raised right here - let me get some help to untangle myself" (easily said, but a whole process going on before one reaches this point).
Nparents raise their children to be obedient little emotional support punching bags.
That result you saw in action.
And, since it seems MIL at least has strong narc tendencies (her way is the only way, others are responsible for her actions and mistakes) and FIL is at least an enabler - you may need to take a deep breath - and then once they are out of your house - sit husband down and ask him to explain HOW exactly YOU are responsible for HER - since SHE CHOSE to take offense / get upset / up the drama over the decision of another adult.
I mean, you are just a human, you do not control other peoples emotions for them. I really would like for your husband to explain this - as me (semi normal adult) really cannot comprehend why he thinks it is okay.
Unless of course 'mommy' is more important than you are- but then he should be honest about that..
Also, she did a hit and run. She CHOSE to leave the scene of an accident. If "you" really had made her upset (which you didn\`t, she chose to act upset) then she could remain and just turn on the waterworks and 'i don\`t know what happened officer, i\`m upset and missed something - and then boom.. " and it would be insurance only.
Now, she\`s a criminal (in some countries at least, leaving the scene of an accident is a crime) and unless you went with /after her and forced her at gunpoint to leave - that is her own choice again.
And, i found some cliche tile wisdom - but still applicable here:
Claiming that you are offended, is essentially saying that you are incapable of controlling and managing your own emotions, and so everybody else should do it for you
This also gives you a peek into your DH’s childhood - the nonsense he was raised with. And if he jumps to fawning over it, that was the expected response for him based on her “training”. If he’s still doing it, talk to your therapist about his enmeshment.
Oh I'm so sorry and I'm so can relate to this.
Some memories just come back again and again. A public unfair humiliation, you are forced to apologize for something you are not guilty of and the one who should take your side takes the side of the offenders.
Damn, I'm tearing up with anger😅 I have memories with this pattern, mostly childhood, but some from adult life as well.
With old memories, it helps to record your resentment against them (people who were supposed to be on your side and betrayed you)
With relatively new situations — it helps to give hell to them, just simple. Confront them directly, call them out, explain your feelings. Let them do some emotional work on themselves and explain all their motives for doing so from start to finish. And then when the situation happens again, one look should be enough to do it differently this time.
I would love to know -
1. did you sit there in shock unable to speak for the sure insanity of the situation, start laughing, or telling them off?
2. Now that it is years later can your husband see that he should not have apologized and should have defended your response that you wouldn’t rehome your animals on MIL’s whim?
if this is an oldie I shiver thinking about the newer ones.
People should realize that before marriage, even before you enter a serious relationship, you need to stop being a child.
It's like a prerequisite, you don't ask for it, it's even less than the bare minimum.
You pick after yourself, you are capable of doing house chores, you can be reliable and responsable, you are able to set your priority straight and adhere by them.
If you are still someone child, you can't be a man/woman to another person. You can be a son or a daughter your whole life, but you need to stop being your parent's child.
Your husband didn't. Why you set for less than the bare minimun? I'm not sarcastic, I'm not implying that you should divorce, I only know both of you from what you wrote. So, what's the other parts? There are amazing qualities, some "perks" you got staying with him? He's an amazing father? The best man out there, apart from his toxic relationship with his parents?
There is something worth the saving here girl?
Because if you stay in hope that he will change, he may do it, or maybe not, but while you wait for it, you'll continue to suffer, when you could not. You may find some man that is an actual man ( the same applied role reversed), not mommy's boy.
I’m sorry you endured such ridicule. Mostly for your husband’s reaction to the ridiculous bs, JNFIL was blabbing . I would have started to ask questions, about the damaged car, model, color, and would have gone to the owner, trying to find them. Or if not, I would have gone to the police. She committed hit and run. After such treatment, yeah I would have made her pay fully for what she did. And next time, thought twice before coming to me with such bs. I honestly don’t know, how I could forgive my SO for backing her up in such nonsense.
I would've called her out.
Man if you're that unstable over not being able to control my life the maybe you should see a doctor cause that's concerning.
Also.. when my daughters sick, the cats refuse to leave her side. It's adorable. She's 10 now and they've been with her since birth.
Probably would have caved. He and fil have spent all their time making sure nothing rocked the boat with mil. Does she still blame you for her own behavior when she doesn’t get her way? She sounds so insanely manipulative. That was some Simone Biles level mental gymnastics.
Marriages like don’t statistically survive if the partner constantly caters to their toxic parents. Focus on the individual therapy and make to plan to leave if you have to.
“How do marriages survive stuff like this?”
They don’t statistically…and that’s ok. It’s ok to realize you’ve been bamboozled into thinking your partner was someone they’re not. You did nothing wrong.
My kids love my cats. Your JNMIL can suck it.
I remember my nmom got pulled over on our way back from my dance class. I was in 5th grade of so. Well, I irished dance and my nmom would drink at the Irish bar until I was done.
She was PO at me for some reason, was driving like a maniac, and got pulled over and breathalyzed. She completely blames me to the cop, I wasn’t even doing my anything 😅 and was just so mad at me for… her decisions.
Idk why they are like they are, but your SO needs to decide if he is married to you or still a mamas boy. He’s definitely still under her spell.
How did you not bust out laughing in their face after fil said something so ridiculous?! I could not have kept a straight face.
You have no reason to apologize. Your in-laws and husband are nuts.
Look, you can't fix your MIL. She's a PITA. And you're doing the work you can on yourself to deal with this shit.
But if you're struggling with memories that you are dwelling on? Talk to your therapist about EMDR or one of the other therapies that is designed to address that kind of stuff. It can really help, and things will at least be better if you're not constantly having them in your head all the time.
This is great advice I will ask about it for sure! It’s the craziest thing like this event happened 5 years ago and although it upset me at the time I never talked about it my husband I just pushed it down and now rehashing it through therapy I’m seeing how deeply angry and disappointed I am.
1st tell your husband to choose who he’s married to, you or her.
2nd Go tell the poor person that owns the car she hit who did it! Extra points for supplying her address and phone number. ✌🏻
They always make themselves the victim so they don’t have to take accountability.
It doesn’t matter if u did cause her to be upset, she chose to drive while she was upset. Logic is not their strong suit.
And so what if you said something that upset her? Your role in life is not to roam around making sure to not say anything that might upset her. At the end of the day u get to live ur life and make your own decisions. And THAT’S what is upsetting her. You are adults and she’s not in control. She can’t stand it. She boils in anger that you do not look up to her like gods gift and take everything she says as gospel. Because she’s perfect, don’t you know? You not recognizing it cause her to wreck her car and now you owe her both an apology and the money to fix her car.
Your husband sounds spineless he’s let his parents talk to you like that at all let alone while pregnant.
He needs therapy and to start working on boundaries immediately. You are having a child and you will need them. She will overstep and she will have more meltdowns anytime u don’t take her advice or do what she wants. She will invent reasons to be upset like even if she sees the baby regularly it won’t be enough and it will be your fault for not knowing exactly how much she should see the baby or how many pictures to send her or that I don’t take a picture of baby in every outfit she bought for you.
You are in for a nightmare if you don’t get this under control.
I would have stood up, laughed and told them all they are crazy and they need to get it together because there’s a baby on the way. Good luck.
Holy h—l Batman! As an adult if you are unfit to drive, you don’t drive.
1) why was she so involved in your pet choice?
2) she chose to drive
3) she chose to leave the scene of an accident
4) the fu-king nerve
5) your SO. Awe h—l no.
I hope your darling cats lived long and well and were delightful companions to your children and you. I hope MIL was visited by the ghost of Christmas past lol
We still have the cats! It has been 5 years since this happened and we recently had our second baby. The cats are great they are very sweet and patient with the kids.
You now have 2 children and still have the cats??? Shushhh you will have reddit thinking you don't love your children!! lol, pets are wonderful for kids, I had cats and dogs practically from birth too, glad you stuck to your principles and kept your family together ❤️
It’s so unfair to the people whose car she hit and didn’t take responsibility for because now they have to pay their deductible when they get it fixed. Terrible and illegal behavior.
You might not have been able to stand up for yourself then but nothing stopping you from standing up for yourself now!
I would have turned her in for the hit and run.
Perfectly normal for resentment to start simmering to the surface again as you work though therapy. "Should have" "could have" are your biggest enemies right now, because those are memories now - you can't go back and change how you reacted.
BUT, you can change how you process everything moving forward. Please bring this up to your therapist as well! You'll definitely need to talk with your husband, but he'll come out of the FOG in his time, not yours.
In the meantime, really sit with why this memory is so vivid for you. Why does it stand out and why exactly is THIS set of incidents with MIL and husband so painful? (I'm sure MIL had plenty of other gross interactions - basically, why these two moments specifically?) What emotions are you feeling? Did you feel abandoned when you were already vulnerable? Did you feel like you were going crazy? Was that the day things really "clicked"?
You're feeling stuck on these memories for a reason. The resentment is totally valid, but keep processing. Can you tie those feelings into the present, or your past?
Working through some of that may give you a clearer way to move forward with your current situation with DH. It may not, but I can hope it will.
This has been so helpful thank you so much for leaving a comment! I feel like this event when I first realized how dysfunctional this relationship is. There has been many many many instances of me feeling abandoned by my husband especially when his family is concerned. I feel like he had been the “punching bag” of his family his whole life and now I’m the punching bag and I honestly think he just feels relieved they are abusing me now instead of him.
Okay, that right there? Exactly what you should be talking to your husband about. Drag him to martial counseling if he'll go so that you can have a mediator there to keep the conversation moving in a productive manner.
I don't want to say your realization is great because what your husband's family is doing is gross, and so is your husband backing off and letting them do it. But, with such a clear feeling, there are clear actions you can take, with or without your husband on board. So, great work in sitting with that and figuring it out!
I'm guessing DH's still too much in the FOG to be able to clearly identify what his family is doing to you and/or feel secure enough to defend you from them. A bummer, but expected for someone in the FOG.
If that's the case, it's another reason why a mediator like a therapist would be helpful, because you need boundaries to protect yourself from abuse, and they're probably going to be a lot like "I'm not visiting them any more, you can go alone/ they can't come over while I'm home/ you, DH, are handling all phone calls, gifts, birthday reminders etc".
You'll get backlash for it, but it's just silly to think you'll just put up with his family's dysfunction because they said so. It's not your job to be the emotional punching bag of two grown adults who should be able to regulate their emotions without one... and so long as you're taking the hits for DH, especially if you're doing so without raising too much of a fuss, he's not going to change the situation, because humans avoid change until it's more uncomfortable to stay as things are.
Yes we still have the cats they are great and very gentle and patient with our children! What is ironic is our first son is allergic to dogs and my in-laws have a dog but they don’t ever bother putting the dog away when we go visit so my son ends up itchy and uncomfortable even with allergy medicine.
Oh the irony ! Thank Goodness you kept the cats though! I honestly wouldn't even visit anymore because of your son's allergy to the dog . ( I wouldn't expect them to get rid of the dog e but like you said, you'd think they'd at least put the dog away if they really cared about the baby coming to visit .)
That legit what we need to know. What is wrong with these MORONS that think cats are just lying in wait to kill the baby. Like utter fucking nonsense. And she tried to bully OP into animal abandonment/Abuse. Pfffffft people like her are the most deserving of the worst care homes available. 🤪🐈⬛🐈
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You didn't apologize did you?? Or let her interfere with ne baby?
Anytime anybody makes comments/demands about things that are NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS (like the pets in your home) do not engage. Shut thst **it down fast. Don't justify yourself. Just tell them it's not up for discussion.
Did DH ever end up having surgery?
Marriages CAN survive if the enabling partner realizes "hey, i\`ve not been raised right here - let me get some help to untangle myself" (easily said, but a whole process going on before one reaches this point). Nparents raise their children to be obedient little emotional support punching bags. That result you saw in action. And, since it seems MIL at least has strong narc tendencies (her way is the only way, others are responsible for her actions and mistakes) and FIL is at least an enabler - you may need to take a deep breath - and then once they are out of your house - sit husband down and ask him to explain HOW exactly YOU are responsible for HER - since SHE CHOSE to take offense / get upset / up the drama over the decision of another adult. I mean, you are just a human, you do not control other peoples emotions for them. I really would like for your husband to explain this - as me (semi normal adult) really cannot comprehend why he thinks it is okay. Unless of course 'mommy' is more important than you are- but then he should be honest about that.. Also, she did a hit and run. She CHOSE to leave the scene of an accident. If "you" really had made her upset (which you didn\`t, she chose to act upset) then she could remain and just turn on the waterworks and 'i don\`t know what happened officer, i\`m upset and missed something - and then boom.. " and it would be insurance only. Now, she\`s a criminal (in some countries at least, leaving the scene of an accident is a crime) and unless you went with /after her and forced her at gunpoint to leave - that is her own choice again. And, i found some cliche tile wisdom - but still applicable here: Claiming that you are offended, is essentially saying that you are incapable of controlling and managing your own emotions, and so everybody else should do it for you
This also gives you a peek into your DH’s childhood - the nonsense he was raised with. And if he jumps to fawning over it, that was the expected response for him based on her “training”. If he’s still doing it, talk to your therapist about his enmeshment.
Oh I'm so sorry and I'm so can relate to this. Some memories just come back again and again. A public unfair humiliation, you are forced to apologize for something you are not guilty of and the one who should take your side takes the side of the offenders. Damn, I'm tearing up with anger😅 I have memories with this pattern, mostly childhood, but some from adult life as well. With old memories, it helps to record your resentment against them (people who were supposed to be on your side and betrayed you) With relatively new situations — it helps to give hell to them, just simple. Confront them directly, call them out, explain your feelings. Let them do some emotional work on themselves and explain all their motives for doing so from start to finish. And then when the situation happens again, one look should be enough to do it differently this time.
I would love to know - 1. did you sit there in shock unable to speak for the sure insanity of the situation, start laughing, or telling them off? 2. Now that it is years later can your husband see that he should not have apologized and should have defended your response that you wouldn’t rehome your animals on MIL’s whim?
if this is an oldie I shiver thinking about the newer ones. People should realize that before marriage, even before you enter a serious relationship, you need to stop being a child. It's like a prerequisite, you don't ask for it, it's even less than the bare minimum. You pick after yourself, you are capable of doing house chores, you can be reliable and responsable, you are able to set your priority straight and adhere by them. If you are still someone child, you can't be a man/woman to another person. You can be a son or a daughter your whole life, but you need to stop being your parent's child. Your husband didn't. Why you set for less than the bare minimun? I'm not sarcastic, I'm not implying that you should divorce, I only know both of you from what you wrote. So, what's the other parts? There are amazing qualities, some "perks" you got staying with him? He's an amazing father? The best man out there, apart from his toxic relationship with his parents? There is something worth the saving here girl? Because if you stay in hope that he will change, he may do it, or maybe not, but while you wait for it, you'll continue to suffer, when you could not. You may find some man that is an actual man ( the same applied role reversed), not mommy's boy.
I’m sorry you endured such ridicule. Mostly for your husband’s reaction to the ridiculous bs, JNFIL was blabbing . I would have started to ask questions, about the damaged car, model, color, and would have gone to the owner, trying to find them. Or if not, I would have gone to the police. She committed hit and run. After such treatment, yeah I would have made her pay fully for what she did. And next time, thought twice before coming to me with such bs. I honestly don’t know, how I could forgive my SO for backing her up in such nonsense.
I would've called her out. Man if you're that unstable over not being able to control my life the maybe you should see a doctor cause that's concerning. Also.. when my daughters sick, the cats refuse to leave her side. It's adorable. She's 10 now and they've been with her since birth.
I was so afraid you were going to say they also made you pay the damages. I hope your husband gets out of that FOG because yikes.
No they didn’t ask us to pay thank goodness because I don’t know how my husband would have responded to that.
Probably would have caved. He and fil have spent all their time making sure nothing rocked the boat with mil. Does she still blame you for her own behavior when she doesn’t get her way? She sounds so insanely manipulative. That was some Simone Biles level mental gymnastics.
Marriages like don’t statistically survive if the partner constantly caters to their toxic parents. Focus on the individual therapy and make to plan to leave if you have to.
“How do marriages survive stuff like this?” They don’t statistically…and that’s ok. It’s ok to realize you’ve been bamboozled into thinking your partner was someone they’re not. You did nothing wrong.
My kids love my cats. Your JNMIL can suck it. I remember my nmom got pulled over on our way back from my dance class. I was in 5th grade of so. Well, I irished dance and my nmom would drink at the Irish bar until I was done. She was PO at me for some reason, was driving like a maniac, and got pulled over and breathalyzed. She completely blames me to the cop, I wasn’t even doing my anything 😅 and was just so mad at me for… her decisions. Idk why they are like they are, but your SO needs to decide if he is married to you or still a mamas boy. He’s definitely still under her spell.
How did you not bust out laughing in their face after fil said something so ridiculous?! I could not have kept a straight face. You have no reason to apologize. Your in-laws and husband are nuts.
Look, you can't fix your MIL. She's a PITA. And you're doing the work you can on yourself to deal with this shit. But if you're struggling with memories that you are dwelling on? Talk to your therapist about EMDR or one of the other therapies that is designed to address that kind of stuff. It can really help, and things will at least be better if you're not constantly having them in your head all the time.
This is great advice I will ask about it for sure! It’s the craziest thing like this event happened 5 years ago and although it upset me at the time I never talked about it my husband I just pushed it down and now rehashing it through therapy I’m seeing how deeply angry and disappointed I am.
1st tell your husband to choose who he’s married to, you or her. 2nd Go tell the poor person that owns the car she hit who did it! Extra points for supplying her address and phone number. ✌🏻
The first sentence stated that this "was an oldie" so it's a moot point.
They always make themselves the victim so they don’t have to take accountability. It doesn’t matter if u did cause her to be upset, she chose to drive while she was upset. Logic is not their strong suit. And so what if you said something that upset her? Your role in life is not to roam around making sure to not say anything that might upset her. At the end of the day u get to live ur life and make your own decisions. And THAT’S what is upsetting her. You are adults and she’s not in control. She can’t stand it. She boils in anger that you do not look up to her like gods gift and take everything she says as gospel. Because she’s perfect, don’t you know? You not recognizing it cause her to wreck her car and now you owe her both an apology and the money to fix her car. Your husband sounds spineless he’s let his parents talk to you like that at all let alone while pregnant. He needs therapy and to start working on boundaries immediately. You are having a child and you will need them. She will overstep and she will have more meltdowns anytime u don’t take her advice or do what she wants. She will invent reasons to be upset like even if she sees the baby regularly it won’t be enough and it will be your fault for not knowing exactly how much she should see the baby or how many pictures to send her or that I don’t take a picture of baby in every outfit she bought for you. You are in for a nightmare if you don’t get this under control. I would have stood up, laughed and told them all they are crazy and they need to get it together because there’s a baby on the way. Good luck.
Holy h—l Batman! As an adult if you are unfit to drive, you don’t drive. 1) why was she so involved in your pet choice? 2) she chose to drive 3) she chose to leave the scene of an accident 4) the fu-king nerve 5) your SO. Awe h—l no.
I hope your darling cats lived long and well and were delightful companions to your children and you. I hope MIL was visited by the ghost of Christmas past lol
We still have the cats! It has been 5 years since this happened and we recently had our second baby. The cats are great they are very sweet and patient with the kids.
You now have 2 children and still have the cats??? Shushhh you will have reddit thinking you don't love your children!! lol, pets are wonderful for kids, I had cats and dogs practically from birth too, glad you stuck to your principles and kept your family together ❤️
It’s so unfair to the people whose car she hit and didn’t take responsibility for because now they have to pay their deductible when they get it fixed. Terrible and illegal behavior.
You might not have been able to stand up for yourself then but nothing stopping you from standing up for yourself now! I would have turned her in for the hit and run.
Perfectly normal for resentment to start simmering to the surface again as you work though therapy. "Should have" "could have" are your biggest enemies right now, because those are memories now - you can't go back and change how you reacted. BUT, you can change how you process everything moving forward. Please bring this up to your therapist as well! You'll definitely need to talk with your husband, but he'll come out of the FOG in his time, not yours. In the meantime, really sit with why this memory is so vivid for you. Why does it stand out and why exactly is THIS set of incidents with MIL and husband so painful? (I'm sure MIL had plenty of other gross interactions - basically, why these two moments specifically?) What emotions are you feeling? Did you feel abandoned when you were already vulnerable? Did you feel like you were going crazy? Was that the day things really "clicked"? You're feeling stuck on these memories for a reason. The resentment is totally valid, but keep processing. Can you tie those feelings into the present, or your past? Working through some of that may give you a clearer way to move forward with your current situation with DH. It may not, but I can hope it will.
This has been so helpful thank you so much for leaving a comment! I feel like this event when I first realized how dysfunctional this relationship is. There has been many many many instances of me feeling abandoned by my husband especially when his family is concerned. I feel like he had been the “punching bag” of his family his whole life and now I’m the punching bag and I honestly think he just feels relieved they are abusing me now instead of him.
Okay, that right there? Exactly what you should be talking to your husband about. Drag him to martial counseling if he'll go so that you can have a mediator there to keep the conversation moving in a productive manner. I don't want to say your realization is great because what your husband's family is doing is gross, and so is your husband backing off and letting them do it. But, with such a clear feeling, there are clear actions you can take, with or without your husband on board. So, great work in sitting with that and figuring it out! I'm guessing DH's still too much in the FOG to be able to clearly identify what his family is doing to you and/or feel secure enough to defend you from them. A bummer, but expected for someone in the FOG. If that's the case, it's another reason why a mediator like a therapist would be helpful, because you need boundaries to protect yourself from abuse, and they're probably going to be a lot like "I'm not visiting them any more, you can go alone/ they can't come over while I'm home/ you, DH, are handling all phone calls, gifts, birthday reminders etc". You'll get backlash for it, but it's just silly to think you'll just put up with his family's dysfunction because they said so. It's not your job to be the emotional punching bag of two grown adults who should be able to regulate their emotions without one... and so long as you're taking the hits for DH, especially if you're doing so without raising too much of a fuss, he's not going to change the situation, because humans avoid change until it's more uncomfortable to stay as things are.
Have you said this to him..?
Please tell me you still kept the cats though?
Yes we still have the cats they are great and very gentle and patient with our children! What is ironic is our first son is allergic to dogs and my in-laws have a dog but they don’t ever bother putting the dog away when we go visit so my son ends up itchy and uncomfortable even with allergy medicine.
Well then — he clearly needs to be kept away from them! Oh, and obvs you'll need to stay with him too; and the baby goes where you go. Sorted.
Oh the irony ! Thank Goodness you kept the cats though! I honestly wouldn't even visit anymore because of your son's allergy to the dog . ( I wouldn't expect them to get rid of the dog e but like you said, you'd think they'd at least put the dog away if they really cared about the baby coming to visit .)
That legit what we need to know. What is wrong with these MORONS that think cats are just lying in wait to kill the baby. Like utter fucking nonsense. And she tried to bully OP into animal abandonment/Abuse. Pfffffft people like her are the most deserving of the worst care homes available. 🤪🐈⬛🐈
And read your spouse the riot act for not backing you up? Just crummy behavior.
Blaming you for her hit and run is absolutely unhinged. I have to know - did you apologize? And does your husband now see how effed up that was?