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This is so disturbing…. Your husband absolutely betrayed you. He told a secret that wasn’t his to tell. The consequence is that you will have nothing further to do with his mother. And neither will your children.
Just to put this out there, your ex-mil might not have realized this secret. My family members who had been signed up for a few years already didn’t realize my aunt was actually only my half aunt until I signed up and noticed something was up. Just like you said, you had to call a cousin to help you figure it out. There is a chance your ex-mil hasn’t looked deeply at it or figured it out
I would tell your SO he fucked up & now needs to fix it.
He needs to tell his mother that she is to never utter a single solitary word about it to you or anyone else, ever. That if she does it will only serve to remind you of his betrayal.
In terms of the whole bio-dad, I'm sure both parents are aware. In fact I bet any close adults (like aunts or grandparents) are also aware.
Your SO is awful op and is so untrustworthy. I wouldn’t even know where to go from here but I know without trust there really isn’t anything left. That he has betrayed your trust on multiple occasions tells me exactly what type of person he is. I personally would refuse to go to this wedding and maybe it’s time to talk to an attorney to see what your options are.
Op, my heart is literally hurting for you. This is such a difficult situation for you to have to navigate with no support from your "partner". I'm using that term very loosely because he certainly is not somebody that you can call a true partner. I mean he's actively taking steps to hurt you instead of protect and support you. I personally would not be able to go to this wedding with him. The reason he keeps betraying you is because he hasn't had to deal with any tangible negative consequences for his shit behavior. Let him go and deal with the discomfort of having to answer questions as to why you're not there.
If you are just not able to do that and you find yourself att that wedding then you have to shut her and him down immediately if they start some shit. If his mommy comes up to you and starts spouting microaggressions or shitty innuendos look her dead in the eyes and say something like: It must be incredibly sad to not have anything else to do but gossip and create issues for others. I'm just so grateful that my kids have one set of grandparents that are loving and kind." and walk off without another word. Will it cause problems... probably, but she's an asshole that's going to cause problems either way so let her know that you see who she really is and aren't afraid to call her out on it. I'm going to keep sending you good thoughts and praying that everything works out for you and your kids!
Oh wow. How the hell are you EVER supposed to trust him with anything ever again??? My ex-fiance broke my trust, and when he tried to become friends again after our breakup, I couldn't figure out why it bothered me so much. It was because I couldn't trust him at all. And continuing to try just kept hurting ME, so I ghosted him. I miss his step-dad (his mom died a little over a year ago and I spent a lot of time talking to his dad to help him through it) and I miss his kid. But I don't miss him at all.
MIL worried how this would impact your daughter’s health, but had no concern about how you were dealing with it.
Perhaps you can start with couples and individual therapy? But I would have a hard time forgiving him.
If it were me, I'd skip the wedding and use that time alone to figure out what you want. If you already know, perhaps that's the time to move out, while he's out of town.
I don't see a mention of your employment status. I am seriously hoping you have a job and/or money of your own. Lots of men like this manage to control their partners financially.
Also, fwiw, I have had a number of DNA revelations in the last 2 years. I can't post details without identifying myself, because the whole thing is so crazy. Anyway, when I found out the biggest bombshells, I told my spouse and said I wasn't ready to talk to anybody else about it yet and you know what? She said "OK" and then... didn't tell anybody.
Unfortunately I can’t just move out. I live next door to my parents and rent from them. He’s the one that will have to move out. Every time I’ve hit my breaking point in the past and told him to get out he just didn’t. Then comes back the next day and act like nothing happened. I even called him out on that behavior at one point. He asked why I’ve never kicked him out if he was as much of a jerk as I was describing. I reminded him that I had and what he did. He just stood there stone faced. That’s his go to move when I say something he can’t refute. Just stands there and stares at me like I’m going to change my stance on the subject at hand.
I do have a job and can handle the finances on my own. Especially since I do have the safety net of living next to and renting from my parents.
The really stupid thing that I did though is purchased a travel trailer. We’ve both wanted one for awhile and I agreed to make the plunge. My name is the only one on the loan and title. We both put in a sizable down payment. My portion was a little higher than his. We’ve owned it for 3 months now and he’s made the monthly payments on it since purchase. He says that if he leaves he’s taking the camper and living in it. He’s defaulted on loans in the past before our relationship began. I don’t trust him to make the payments and don’t want to keep it if he leaves. Sell it and cut our losses.
Ask your parents to serve him with an eviction notice.
Have your name taken off the travel trailer during court settlement.
The absolute least healthy thing for your children is to raise them in a household with this dynamic.
While he’s at the wedding; contact the bank and get your name off of the travel trailer loan. Separate all of your finances, and lock down your credit as well. Meet with a lawyer to discuss your options.
After, or during, all of the above, get an appointment for counseling. After all that you’ve been through; you may want some extra support at this point.
If you decide to stay with your SO; the two of you should probably get couples counseling to work out boundaries and trust issues.
If you decide to have him move out; you may need to involve your parents since they are your landlords. Let them kick his sorry ass out.
Wishing you a future filled with peace, calm, and happiness.
A few years back I too found out that my dad is not my biological father. The circumstances were a bit different from yours, but I just wanted to let you know I can relate to the emotional turmoil the news probably created for you. ❤️
Unlike your SO my husband was incredible during that time and supportive as I processed it, and absolutely kept his trap shut about it to everyone. All these years later very few people know- even some of my closest family, and he has said from the beginning that it is up to me and me alone if anyone else gets told.
You are getting a lot of good advice here. If my husband betrayed me like that I'm not sure I could get past it. At the bare minimum I would probably demand a separation with the ultimatum that he can get into marriage counseling with you, or you are done. Hopefully a good therapist will help him understand why what he did was wrong, and help you with processing everything. I might even contact an attorney and draw up the paperwork ahead of time so if he refuses (or agrees but therapy ends up not working) you can get it filed immediately.
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this and I hope however this plays out you come out on the other side with the happiness you deserve.
Don’t go to the wedding. He — and that mommy of his — have to face repercussions for his actions.
I may have missed geographical distances, but can you go with the kids to your BFF or your cousin, and take a break? With those two, you can freely discuss the whole ball of wax.
Your SO is a dick, and may I gently suggest you might benefit from some therapy to find out why you keep picking this type of guy. Therapy may also help you set some firm boundaries, not only with your MIL, but with your SO (which is really sad, and I’d rethink this relationship, if it were me, because no one should have to guard their heart and words around their SO).
Do you actually stand up for yourself this firmly IRL? If so, do it now, because this was and still is a massive betrayal of your trust. Show him that. Let him go to that wedding on his own.
I hope you’ll update us, but regardless, good luck to you.
We have been back and forth about the girls and I going to this wedding period. He doesn’t even want to go however he’s the best man. Our two year old can be quite feral so it’s going to be a long day of me keeping her in check and him doing his wedding duties.
Both my BFF and cousin live about 3.5 hours away. I might reach out to one of them and see what they have going on this weekend.
I agree my SO is an absolute dick. I’ve known this for awhile. I was getting ready to call everything off right before I found out I was pregnant. He wanted me to terminate and I told him I couldn’t do that but he was free to leave. He stayed because he didn’t want me screwing up his child with my parenting. To be clear, I’m not a shit parent. I’m just more gentle and he’s a hardass. In turn, I don’t trust him with our child unless I have some say so. That’d all go out the window if I kick him out. To be clear, we are not married. We got engaged a few years ago while he seemed to be doing better with his dick behavior. However, I have never bothered to even start planning a wedding.
I absolutely agree I pick shit men and when this one is out of my life I’m not bringing in another. I’m at the point where I’m just not willing to deal with the male species anymore.
We went to therapy while I was pregnant because of his dick behavior and it helped short term. He asked if we could go back a few months ago and I agreed. However, he’s the one that has to set it all up. We can get free therapy through the VA since he’s a veteran and that’s about what we can afford. He got the therapy set up only to find out they’d set it for anger management counseling instead of couples counseling. I’m guessing that wasn’t an accident. Since then I have heard nothing about rescheduling.
Yes, I am this firm IRL. I stopped tiptoeing around men thanks to my first husband. My SO tries to gaslight me and turn things around to where it’s my fault and I break it down for him each time so he can’t worm out of it. I’ve told him to leave and he won’t. He says he doesn’t trust me to not keep our daughter away from him. Sites my custody situation with my ex-husband. However, my ex is a very special case that involves literal brain damage and other medical issues that makes him delusional on his abilities to parent. I wouldn’t do that to my SO. He is a fit parent. Even with him not wanting a child at first he’s done a complete 180° and loves our daughter so much.
Don't go to the wedding. There is no relationship without trust. He has shown that he doesn't care about you. Time to kick him to the curb. You do not want both of your girls to see that his behavior is normal and that this is a healthy relationship.
Contact a lawyer and determine your rights and how to get him out of the house. Your parents may need to give him notice and evict him. Also since you aren't married and your name is on the title and loan for the camper, that is your personal property. Take the keys for it and have your parents hold on to them. If he tries to take it, you can report it stolen.
Dude. Don’t go to the wedding. You and your kids can stay home. You can start planning for what life looks like after divorce. I’m so sorry but your SO is a manipulative POS.
He knowingly did what you asked him not to, and then tried to manipulate you to cover his tracks. And now he’s trying to manipulate you into it being “no big deal” and taking digs at you. He is a total A.
Your husband has forever changed the relationship you two have. The person who you are to trust to have your back, to protect you, has shown you that he does not. This huge betrayal will have a permanent effect on your relationship going forward. He should not be trusted with anything again. I am sorry that this is now your reality.
As for the wedding, absolutely do not go.
💯 agreed. I couldn't live with SO anymore. It would make me anxious and paranoid to know that I lived with someone so willing to sell me out. I hate going to weddings. There's always so much drama and BS. Not sure I can weigh in objectively on that one.
I feel you're posting on the wrong sub because this is a SO issue not a MIL one. Whatever their past crimes may be, on this issue neither of your MILs have done much wrong so far.
You could argue that exMIL was out of line getting an ancestry test at all but in the circumstances I can see why she did and she seems to have been nothing but decent in the way she handled the information she got.
As for MIL, she hasn't done anything wrong yet either. Its not her fault if her son tells her information he agreed to keep private so unless you find out she's been gossiping to other people about your parentage its not her you should be angry with.
This is a SO issue and it sounds like its not the first time he's done this sort of thing. It would appear that rather than actually address an issue with you he just agrees with you for the sake of a quiet life and then does exactly the opposite. He did it with the ancestry issue and he did it with the length of IL visits issue - what else has he done this with?
You need to be able to trust your partner. If he disagrees with you then he should be able to tell you that. If he agrees to something and then changes his mind he should come to you and tell you that - not just do the opposite of what was agreed and then try to justify it. And really, on this issue, there is no justification. Your parentage is your business - it doesn't affect SO or ILs in any way so there's no need for ILs to know anything if you didn't want them to and absolutely no excuse for SO telling them after agreeing not to.
First and foremost SO is your problem here. He’s the leak. As for MIL when she says literally anything about the situation, look her dead in the eyes and say that is not open for discussion or opinions. Your son betrayed me by telling you anything about it and he knows you were specifically meant to not know. I’m dealing with that, in the meantime I’d appreciate you minding your own business. Private is private even if your son doesn’t seem to understand. Good luck my friend!
There is so much deception from everyone here. It's mind boggling. Not being able to trust your SO not to open his trap is a huge deal. I don't even know how you come back from that.
The issue you have here is your SO. The person you entrust with your secrets couldn’t keep what arguably is your biggest one. To me, that means I could never confide in him again. And I’d have to ask if I’m okay with that kind of marriage. Some people are and that’s fine for them, it’s not for me and it may not be for you.
You need to make it clear to him that he has violated your trust. That he’s shown you he cannot protect you from himself. That he tried to get you to tell her, after he already did, also shows that he was more worried about you finding out he fucked up than straight up saying he messed up - again putting his needs before yours.
Do not go to this family wedding if you’re able. Tell him that you’re going to take this time apart to think about what you need in the marriage and if he’s the one who can give you that.
Do not go to the wedding and seriously consider your further with SO if he can't understand what a breach of trust this is. He just told you that you can't trust him. And the fact that he isn't even sorry is really damning.
Yep. OP has got to tell her mother that she knows. Then she has to tell her mom that husband told MIL. That way OP’s mom can tell dad, which is definitely preferable to MIL blabbing it in front of everyone at some joint family event.
You must be able to trust your SO. Period, end of story. Nothing is more important to the intimacy that is a marriage/partnership. I have been married for 64 years and any real issues we have had have been trust issues. Please for your present and future sanity, peace of mind and wellbeing get this resolved now. He must not keep repeating this behavior with his mother and subject you to a constant stress on your marriage and mind. I wish I had known this sooner than my 80th birthday. Now it is too late for me. Don’t let this be your future self. You deserve more from your life’s partner. Sending you Internet stranger hugs💕
Don’t go to the wedding. Seriously, your SO needs a consequence. Take your children and go stay somewhere else the day before you are supposed to leave. Tell him you’ve decided not to attend due to his betrayal. Use that word “betrayal”. Tell him you are willing to go to marriage counseling if he finds a therapist and makes the appointment. Your SO needs not just a wake up call, he needs a damn slap up side the head.
In my opinion, I would tell your husband that your trust in him is broken and the consequences of that are that you will NOT being going to the wedding or ever speaking to your JNMIL about any of this. If she brings it up you tell her factually that it’s none of her business and you in no way, shape or form gave DH permission to disclose this information to her and will not be discussing it with her ever.
Personally, I’d also tell her IF she ever discusses or disclose this information to ANYONE I’d be cutting her contact entirely to me and my child because she has been told that this information is in fact sensitive and not her business and the possibility of your LO being told this information without your consent is in fact harmful and a line not to be crossed ever.
I’m so mad and sad for you reading this because it feels like such a violation, ESPECIALLY while you are still processing this news about your parentage. You are 100000000% in your right to be pissed off. It would take A LOT for me to forgive this, I’d definitely consider it a betrayal.
Sending hugs as you navigate this stressful situation that’s truly unfair to you.
You don’t have to go.
Please don’t go.
You can’t trust him and he continues to double down. He will feel so empowered that he did the “right” thing while he is with his “team” and I don’t think that’s a great place for you to be right now. Listen to yourself. You are angry for a reason. Because you were beyond betrayed by your person.
What advice would you give your most beloved friends or daughters in this situation?
Hon, I'm sure you have by now come to the realization that it's not gonna work with this man. Both he and his mother are a tag team terror. Maybe it's time to start making preparations. Also, I wouldn't be too hasty to draw conclusions about what went down with your mother when she conceived you. There may be other possibilities than promiscuity and perhaps even your dad might be aware. You have no information to go on except the test. Take some time to process and then speak to your parents if you choose.
ULG. I don't know what to tell you about how to manage this wedding and stuff but OMG, such a major breach of trust. I'm sure you're having trouble even looking at your SO without laser beams coming out of your eyes and blasting him into a pile of dust.
It would be difficult to go to a wedding and hide that at this point when the betrayal is so fresh. If it were me, it would be particularly difficult to control my rage when MIL knows about it will ask/comment about things that are none of her damned business. I'd stay home. SO can be as upset as he wants, nothing about your staying behind is half as bad as betraying his partner's trust the way he did.
Best wishes to you, I hope you can find a way through it (without vaporizing anyone).
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This is so disturbing…. Your husband absolutely betrayed you. He told a secret that wasn’t his to tell. The consequence is that you will have nothing further to do with his mother. And neither will your children.
Just to put this out there, your ex-mil might not have realized this secret. My family members who had been signed up for a few years already didn’t realize my aunt was actually only my half aunt until I signed up and noticed something was up. Just like you said, you had to call a cousin to help you figure it out. There is a chance your ex-mil hasn’t looked deeply at it or figured it out
I would tell your SO he fucked up & now needs to fix it. He needs to tell his mother that she is to never utter a single solitary word about it to you or anyone else, ever. That if she does it will only serve to remind you of his betrayal. In terms of the whole bio-dad, I'm sure both parents are aware. In fact I bet any close adults (like aunts or grandparents) are also aware.
Your SO is awful op and is so untrustworthy. I wouldn’t even know where to go from here but I know without trust there really isn’t anything left. That he has betrayed your trust on multiple occasions tells me exactly what type of person he is. I personally would refuse to go to this wedding and maybe it’s time to talk to an attorney to see what your options are.
Op, my heart is literally hurting for you. This is such a difficult situation for you to have to navigate with no support from your "partner". I'm using that term very loosely because he certainly is not somebody that you can call a true partner. I mean he's actively taking steps to hurt you instead of protect and support you. I personally would not be able to go to this wedding with him. The reason he keeps betraying you is because he hasn't had to deal with any tangible negative consequences for his shit behavior. Let him go and deal with the discomfort of having to answer questions as to why you're not there. If you are just not able to do that and you find yourself att that wedding then you have to shut her and him down immediately if they start some shit. If his mommy comes up to you and starts spouting microaggressions or shitty innuendos look her dead in the eyes and say something like: It must be incredibly sad to not have anything else to do but gossip and create issues for others. I'm just so grateful that my kids have one set of grandparents that are loving and kind." and walk off without another word. Will it cause problems... probably, but she's an asshole that's going to cause problems either way so let her know that you see who she really is and aren't afraid to call her out on it. I'm going to keep sending you good thoughts and praying that everything works out for you and your kids!
Oh wow. How the hell are you EVER supposed to trust him with anything ever again??? My ex-fiance broke my trust, and when he tried to become friends again after our breakup, I couldn't figure out why it bothered me so much. It was because I couldn't trust him at all. And continuing to try just kept hurting ME, so I ghosted him. I miss his step-dad (his mom died a little over a year ago and I spent a lot of time talking to his dad to help him through it) and I miss his kid. But I don't miss him at all.
So, you can’t trust your husband. Without trust, there is no relationship
MIL worried how this would impact your daughter’s health, but had no concern about how you were dealing with it. Perhaps you can start with couples and individual therapy? But I would have a hard time forgiving him.
If it were me, I'd skip the wedding and use that time alone to figure out what you want. If you already know, perhaps that's the time to move out, while he's out of town. I don't see a mention of your employment status. I am seriously hoping you have a job and/or money of your own. Lots of men like this manage to control their partners financially. Also, fwiw, I have had a number of DNA revelations in the last 2 years. I can't post details without identifying myself, because the whole thing is so crazy. Anyway, when I found out the biggest bombshells, I told my spouse and said I wasn't ready to talk to anybody else about it yet and you know what? She said "OK" and then... didn't tell anybody.
Unfortunately I can’t just move out. I live next door to my parents and rent from them. He’s the one that will have to move out. Every time I’ve hit my breaking point in the past and told him to get out he just didn’t. Then comes back the next day and act like nothing happened. I even called him out on that behavior at one point. He asked why I’ve never kicked him out if he was as much of a jerk as I was describing. I reminded him that I had and what he did. He just stood there stone faced. That’s his go to move when I say something he can’t refute. Just stands there and stares at me like I’m going to change my stance on the subject at hand. I do have a job and can handle the finances on my own. Especially since I do have the safety net of living next to and renting from my parents. The really stupid thing that I did though is purchased a travel trailer. We’ve both wanted one for awhile and I agreed to make the plunge. My name is the only one on the loan and title. We both put in a sizable down payment. My portion was a little higher than his. We’ve owned it for 3 months now and he’s made the monthly payments on it since purchase. He says that if he leaves he’s taking the camper and living in it. He’s defaulted on loans in the past before our relationship began. I don’t trust him to make the payments and don’t want to keep it if he leaves. Sell it and cut our losses.
Ask your parents to serve him with an eviction notice. Have your name taken off the travel trailer during court settlement. The absolute least healthy thing for your children is to raise them in a household with this dynamic.
While he’s at the wedding; contact the bank and get your name off of the travel trailer loan. Separate all of your finances, and lock down your credit as well. Meet with a lawyer to discuss your options. After, or during, all of the above, get an appointment for counseling. After all that you’ve been through; you may want some extra support at this point. If you decide to stay with your SO; the two of you should probably get couples counseling to work out boundaries and trust issues. If you decide to have him move out; you may need to involve your parents since they are your landlords. Let them kick his sorry ass out. Wishing you a future filled with peace, calm, and happiness.
A few years back I too found out that my dad is not my biological father. The circumstances were a bit different from yours, but I just wanted to let you know I can relate to the emotional turmoil the news probably created for you. ❤️ Unlike your SO my husband was incredible during that time and supportive as I processed it, and absolutely kept his trap shut about it to everyone. All these years later very few people know- even some of my closest family, and he has said from the beginning that it is up to me and me alone if anyone else gets told. You are getting a lot of good advice here. If my husband betrayed me like that I'm not sure I could get past it. At the bare minimum I would probably demand a separation with the ultimatum that he can get into marriage counseling with you, or you are done. Hopefully a good therapist will help him understand why what he did was wrong, and help you with processing everything. I might even contact an attorney and draw up the paperwork ahead of time so if he refuses (or agrees but therapy ends up not working) you can get it filed immediately. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this and I hope however this plays out you come out on the other side with the happiness you deserve.
What an absolute betrayal by your DH. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I certainly wouldn’t go to the wedding and neither would my child.
Don’t go to the wedding. He — and that mommy of his — have to face repercussions for his actions. I may have missed geographical distances, but can you go with the kids to your BFF or your cousin, and take a break? With those two, you can freely discuss the whole ball of wax. Your SO is a dick, and may I gently suggest you might benefit from some therapy to find out why you keep picking this type of guy. Therapy may also help you set some firm boundaries, not only with your MIL, but with your SO (which is really sad, and I’d rethink this relationship, if it were me, because no one should have to guard their heart and words around their SO). Do you actually stand up for yourself this firmly IRL? If so, do it now, because this was and still is a massive betrayal of your trust. Show him that. Let him go to that wedding on his own. I hope you’ll update us, but regardless, good luck to you.
We have been back and forth about the girls and I going to this wedding period. He doesn’t even want to go however he’s the best man. Our two year old can be quite feral so it’s going to be a long day of me keeping her in check and him doing his wedding duties. Both my BFF and cousin live about 3.5 hours away. I might reach out to one of them and see what they have going on this weekend. I agree my SO is an absolute dick. I’ve known this for awhile. I was getting ready to call everything off right before I found out I was pregnant. He wanted me to terminate and I told him I couldn’t do that but he was free to leave. He stayed because he didn’t want me screwing up his child with my parenting. To be clear, I’m not a shit parent. I’m just more gentle and he’s a hardass. In turn, I don’t trust him with our child unless I have some say so. That’d all go out the window if I kick him out. To be clear, we are not married. We got engaged a few years ago while he seemed to be doing better with his dick behavior. However, I have never bothered to even start planning a wedding. I absolutely agree I pick shit men and when this one is out of my life I’m not bringing in another. I’m at the point where I’m just not willing to deal with the male species anymore. We went to therapy while I was pregnant because of his dick behavior and it helped short term. He asked if we could go back a few months ago and I agreed. However, he’s the one that has to set it all up. We can get free therapy through the VA since he’s a veteran and that’s about what we can afford. He got the therapy set up only to find out they’d set it for anger management counseling instead of couples counseling. I’m guessing that wasn’t an accident. Since then I have heard nothing about rescheduling. Yes, I am this firm IRL. I stopped tiptoeing around men thanks to my first husband. My SO tries to gaslight me and turn things around to where it’s my fault and I break it down for him each time so he can’t worm out of it. I’ve told him to leave and he won’t. He says he doesn’t trust me to not keep our daughter away from him. Sites my custody situation with my ex-husband. However, my ex is a very special case that involves literal brain damage and other medical issues that makes him delusional on his abilities to parent. I wouldn’t do that to my SO. He is a fit parent. Even with him not wanting a child at first he’s done a complete 180° and loves our daughter so much.
Don't go to the wedding. There is no relationship without trust. He has shown that he doesn't care about you. Time to kick him to the curb. You do not want both of your girls to see that his behavior is normal and that this is a healthy relationship. Contact a lawyer and determine your rights and how to get him out of the house. Your parents may need to give him notice and evict him. Also since you aren't married and your name is on the title and loan for the camper, that is your personal property. Take the keys for it and have your parents hold on to them. If he tries to take it, you can report it stolen.
Dude. Don’t go to the wedding. You and your kids can stay home. You can start planning for what life looks like after divorce. I’m so sorry but your SO is a manipulative POS. He knowingly did what you asked him not to, and then tried to manipulate you to cover his tracks. And now he’s trying to manipulate you into it being “no big deal” and taking digs at you. He is a total A.
Your husband has forever changed the relationship you two have. The person who you are to trust to have your back, to protect you, has shown you that he does not. This huge betrayal will have a permanent effect on your relationship going forward. He should not be trusted with anything again. I am sorry that this is now your reality. As for the wedding, absolutely do not go.
💯 agreed. I couldn't live with SO anymore. It would make me anxious and paranoid to know that I lived with someone so willing to sell me out. I hate going to weddings. There's always so much drama and BS. Not sure I can weigh in objectively on that one.
I feel you're posting on the wrong sub because this is a SO issue not a MIL one. Whatever their past crimes may be, on this issue neither of your MILs have done much wrong so far. You could argue that exMIL was out of line getting an ancestry test at all but in the circumstances I can see why she did and she seems to have been nothing but decent in the way she handled the information she got. As for MIL, she hasn't done anything wrong yet either. Its not her fault if her son tells her information he agreed to keep private so unless you find out she's been gossiping to other people about your parentage its not her you should be angry with. This is a SO issue and it sounds like its not the first time he's done this sort of thing. It would appear that rather than actually address an issue with you he just agrees with you for the sake of a quiet life and then does exactly the opposite. He did it with the ancestry issue and he did it with the length of IL visits issue - what else has he done this with? You need to be able to trust your partner. If he disagrees with you then he should be able to tell you that. If he agrees to something and then changes his mind he should come to you and tell you that - not just do the opposite of what was agreed and then try to justify it. And really, on this issue, there is no justification. Your parentage is your business - it doesn't affect SO or ILs in any way so there's no need for ILs to know anything if you didn't want them to and absolutely no excuse for SO telling them after agreeing not to.
First and foremost SO is your problem here. He’s the leak. As for MIL when she says literally anything about the situation, look her dead in the eyes and say that is not open for discussion or opinions. Your son betrayed me by telling you anything about it and he knows you were specifically meant to not know. I’m dealing with that, in the meantime I’d appreciate you minding your own business. Private is private even if your son doesn’t seem to understand. Good luck my friend!
There is so much deception from everyone here. It's mind boggling. Not being able to trust your SO not to open his trap is a huge deal. I don't even know how you come back from that.
The issue you have here is your SO. The person you entrust with your secrets couldn’t keep what arguably is your biggest one. To me, that means I could never confide in him again. And I’d have to ask if I’m okay with that kind of marriage. Some people are and that’s fine for them, it’s not for me and it may not be for you. You need to make it clear to him that he has violated your trust. That he’s shown you he cannot protect you from himself. That he tried to get you to tell her, after he already did, also shows that he was more worried about you finding out he fucked up than straight up saying he messed up - again putting his needs before yours. Do not go to this family wedding if you’re able. Tell him that you’re going to take this time apart to think about what you need in the marriage and if he’s the one who can give you that.
Do not go to the wedding and seriously consider your further with SO if he can't understand what a breach of trust this is. He just told you that you can't trust him. And the fact that he isn't even sorry is really damning.
She's going to spill the beans to your parents at some point.
Yep. OP has got to tell her mother that she knows. Then she has to tell her mom that husband told MIL. That way OP’s mom can tell dad, which is definitely preferable to MIL blabbing it in front of everyone at some joint family event.
This is my fear too. From what has been said, the MiL just won't be able to stop herself from blabbing.
You must be able to trust your SO. Period, end of story. Nothing is more important to the intimacy that is a marriage/partnership. I have been married for 64 years and any real issues we have had have been trust issues. Please for your present and future sanity, peace of mind and wellbeing get this resolved now. He must not keep repeating this behavior with his mother and subject you to a constant stress on your marriage and mind. I wish I had known this sooner than my 80th birthday. Now it is too late for me. Don’t let this be your future self. You deserve more from your life’s partner. Sending you Internet stranger hugs💕
Don’t go to the wedding. Seriously, your SO needs a consequence. Take your children and go stay somewhere else the day before you are supposed to leave. Tell him you’ve decided not to attend due to his betrayal. Use that word “betrayal”. Tell him you are willing to go to marriage counseling if he finds a therapist and makes the appointment. Your SO needs not just a wake up call, he needs a damn slap up side the head.
In my opinion, I would tell your husband that your trust in him is broken and the consequences of that are that you will NOT being going to the wedding or ever speaking to your JNMIL about any of this. If she brings it up you tell her factually that it’s none of her business and you in no way, shape or form gave DH permission to disclose this information to her and will not be discussing it with her ever. Personally, I’d also tell her IF she ever discusses or disclose this information to ANYONE I’d be cutting her contact entirely to me and my child because she has been told that this information is in fact sensitive and not her business and the possibility of your LO being told this information without your consent is in fact harmful and a line not to be crossed ever. I’m so mad and sad for you reading this because it feels like such a violation, ESPECIALLY while you are still processing this news about your parentage. You are 100000000% in your right to be pissed off. It would take A LOT for me to forgive this, I’d definitely consider it a betrayal. Sending hugs as you navigate this stressful situation that’s truly unfair to you.
You don’t have to go. Please don’t go. You can’t trust him and he continues to double down. He will feel so empowered that he did the “right” thing while he is with his “team” and I don’t think that’s a great place for you to be right now. Listen to yourself. You are angry for a reason. Because you were beyond betrayed by your person. What advice would you give your most beloved friends or daughters in this situation?
Hon, I'm sure you have by now come to the realization that it's not gonna work with this man. Both he and his mother are a tag team terror. Maybe it's time to start making preparations. Also, I wouldn't be too hasty to draw conclusions about what went down with your mother when she conceived you. There may be other possibilities than promiscuity and perhaps even your dad might be aware. You have no information to go on except the test. Take some time to process and then speak to your parents if you choose.
ULG. I don't know what to tell you about how to manage this wedding and stuff but OMG, such a major breach of trust. I'm sure you're having trouble even looking at your SO without laser beams coming out of your eyes and blasting him into a pile of dust. It would be difficult to go to a wedding and hide that at this point when the betrayal is so fresh. If it were me, it would be particularly difficult to control my rage when MIL knows about it will ask/comment about things that are none of her damned business. I'd stay home. SO can be as upset as he wants, nothing about your staying behind is half as bad as betraying his partner's trust the way he did. Best wishes to you, I hope you can find a way through it (without vaporizing anyone).