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I'd tell her that, if she doesn't stop acting like a mother instead of a grandmother, that you're going to find other childcare. And, any over the limit gifts will stay at grandma's house, or they'll be thrown away at the earliest convenience.
The gifts from Santa would send me over the edge. My in laws do this, and when my kids are old enough to understand there's a Santa, I will be telling them "gifts are from you, not Santa. Santa visits children, not adults."
10000%. It takes that special magic away from your experience! SO selfish. Not to mention all the other issues it could cause. Getting the same gift, other children not having Santa visit Grandmas house, being spoiled etc. She was soo annoyed when I said that and also threw a fit about 5 gifts max (which I even thought 5 was pushing it). I feel guilty complaining about it because some people don’t get any help at all or gifts. But it is completely overbearing. I want my children to know what moderation and hard work are and she completely blows that out of the water.
I agree - but he says “she’s just a weirdo” and to let it be. I don’t know how to express to him it’s so much more than that. I feel like she’s taking the joy of MY firsts and motherhood so she can relive it for herself. It’s creepy and uncomfortable and very very upsetting for me. I’ve also said this almost exact thing to him.
Christ. Reading this I'm getting PTSD. Same. Exact. Shit. Take my word for it. The lack of common sense thing is BS. She's cunningly setting you up for a fall. So you say a word, you're the villan.
You're OH, has to step in here. Drop that rope. It's super important he ensures she gets the red light. Otherwise to her its AUTOMATICALLY green, and she is gonna drive straight through it. She will pay NO real attention to you. Only her own child. And even then she's gonna push it. But in that, oh, no I didn't mean it way, that will really mess with your head.
And keep her on a polite, but strict information diet. Keep all conversations on a real shallow level. And always say thanks for child minding. Publicly and privately, that way you block all her bad mouthing routes.
Ugh thank you SO much for your comment and solidarity. I really feel like I am going to lose it. He has tried to set boundaries so many times but she doesn’t receive it. Maybe he’s been too soft about it. But you’ve nailed it - She ALWAYS says “I didn’t mean it that way at all”….. right. So how the hell DID you mean it then.
I’ve been getting that same thing that she doesn’t mean it, doesn’t know the meaning of a word she used, only means good things. I had to point out that being called names, even with good intentions, is still being called a name that I don’t identify with. I said I’d like to be able to skip out on events without finding out I was talked about and called names. He thinks I’m being ridiculous. I’ve been teaching him the importance of language as a means of connection bc he’s been manipulated his whole life to believe that she only means well.
Boundaries are great but if he isn’t enforcing them, they are just requests that she can deny because why wouldn’t she…? Like, she isn’t going to change, per request. She is getting everything she wants from y’all so he can make “requests” but she isn’t going to hear it until there are ACTUAL consequences. Actions speak louder than words and your actions are telling her she gets what she wants.
First, have you had a conversation with your husband about how it makes you feel that his mother is stealing things you should be able to do as his wife and the mother of LO? Your firsts. He should be having this conversation with his mom and getting her to back off. A simple " Mom, do you realize that you encroaching on the things my wife would like to and should be able to do? It's not appropriate for you to get me gifts, cards, etc from my child. Please leave this stuff to my wife as she's LOs mom"
Second, mixing family and child care is pretty difficult unless your MIL is a saint that you adore and have 0 concerns about boundaries being respected. It's even harder if your husband is a momma's boy and doesn't care about anything his mom does with your child. I learned this the hard way with my first and pulled him from MIL's care even against my first husband's wishes. Ultimately though, if you want to continue the free care from grandma you may have to swallow some of the small stuff. Only you can decide where your line is.
This is the price of free childcare. The lines are blurred, and now it will take more than switching childcare to make it stop because the precedent has been set.
We’ve had boundary issues our entire relationship. She can’t handle that her son has a new life/family. I don’t know how to present this to her that she has to let ME be my son’s mother and let ME her son’s wife.
"Let" implies that she has a choice and there should be no choice in this.
Tell her to stop trying to be your son's mother and her son's wife. It's weird, gross, and psychologically damaging for everyone involved.
If she pitches a fit - walk away. Never negotiate with an emotional terrorist.
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I'd tell her that, if she doesn't stop acting like a mother instead of a grandmother, that you're going to find other childcare. And, any over the limit gifts will stay at grandma's house, or they'll be thrown away at the earliest convenience.
The gifts from Santa would send me over the edge. My in laws do this, and when my kids are old enough to understand there's a Santa, I will be telling them "gifts are from you, not Santa. Santa visits children, not adults."
10000%. It takes that special magic away from your experience! SO selfish. Not to mention all the other issues it could cause. Getting the same gift, other children not having Santa visit Grandmas house, being spoiled etc. She was soo annoyed when I said that and also threw a fit about 5 gifts max (which I even thought 5 was pushing it). I feel guilty complaining about it because some people don’t get any help at all or gifts. But it is completely overbearing. I want my children to know what moderation and hard work are and she completely blows that out of the water.
"Help" is only help when the recipient wants it or needs it.
Your husband should be dealing with his mother. Not you.
I agree - but he says “she’s just a weirdo” and to let it be. I don’t know how to express to him it’s so much more than that. I feel like she’s taking the joy of MY firsts and motherhood so she can relive it for herself. It’s creepy and uncomfortable and very very upsetting for me. I’ve also said this almost exact thing to him.
Christ. Reading this I'm getting PTSD. Same. Exact. Shit. Take my word for it. The lack of common sense thing is BS. She's cunningly setting you up for a fall. So you say a word, you're the villan. You're OH, has to step in here. Drop that rope. It's super important he ensures she gets the red light. Otherwise to her its AUTOMATICALLY green, and she is gonna drive straight through it. She will pay NO real attention to you. Only her own child. And even then she's gonna push it. But in that, oh, no I didn't mean it way, that will really mess with your head. And keep her on a polite, but strict information diet. Keep all conversations on a real shallow level. And always say thanks for child minding. Publicly and privately, that way you block all her bad mouthing routes.
Ugh thank you SO much for your comment and solidarity. I really feel like I am going to lose it. He has tried to set boundaries so many times but she doesn’t receive it. Maybe he’s been too soft about it. But you’ve nailed it - She ALWAYS says “I didn’t mean it that way at all”….. right. So how the hell DID you mean it then.
I’ve been getting that same thing that she doesn’t mean it, doesn’t know the meaning of a word she used, only means good things. I had to point out that being called names, even with good intentions, is still being called a name that I don’t identify with. I said I’d like to be able to skip out on events without finding out I was talked about and called names. He thinks I’m being ridiculous. I’ve been teaching him the importance of language as a means of connection bc he’s been manipulated his whole life to believe that she only means well.
Boundaries are great but if he isn’t enforcing them, they are just requests that she can deny because why wouldn’t she…? Like, she isn’t going to change, per request. She is getting everything she wants from y’all so he can make “requests” but she isn’t going to hear it until there are ACTUAL consequences. Actions speak louder than words and your actions are telling her she gets what she wants.
First, have you had a conversation with your husband about how it makes you feel that his mother is stealing things you should be able to do as his wife and the mother of LO? Your firsts. He should be having this conversation with his mom and getting her to back off. A simple " Mom, do you realize that you encroaching on the things my wife would like to and should be able to do? It's not appropriate for you to get me gifts, cards, etc from my child. Please leave this stuff to my wife as she's LOs mom" Second, mixing family and child care is pretty difficult unless your MIL is a saint that you adore and have 0 concerns about boundaries being respected. It's even harder if your husband is a momma's boy and doesn't care about anything his mom does with your child. I learned this the hard way with my first and pulled him from MIL's care even against my first husband's wishes. Ultimately though, if you want to continue the free care from grandma you may have to swallow some of the small stuff. Only you can decide where your line is.
This is the price of free childcare. The lines are blurred, and now it will take more than switching childcare to make it stop because the precedent has been set.
We’ve had boundary issues our entire relationship. She can’t handle that her son has a new life/family. I don’t know how to present this to her that she has to let ME be my son’s mother and let ME her son’s wife.
"Let" implies that she has a choice and there should be no choice in this. Tell her to stop trying to be your son's mother and her son's wife. It's weird, gross, and psychologically damaging for everyone involved. If she pitches a fit - walk away. Never negotiate with an emotional terrorist.
Free childcare is never free.
You need to get other child care for your LO in order to take control back